1
00:00:01,160 --> 00:00:04,120
Football is so much better
now that fans are back in stadiums.

2
00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:06,960
Yeah, it reminds you what football
is really about, man.

3
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:11,400
Oi, Foden, fuck off back to
the hair salon, you peroxide prick!

4
00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:13,200
Dye your hair with this!

5
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:16,440
It's my piss!

6
00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:17,880
ALL LAUGH DERISIVELY

7
00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:19,880
Their passion is so inspiring.

8
00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:23,880
Ey! Oi!
You're wasting food!

9
00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:25,520
Can't wait to play away from home.

10
00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:26,840
CHICKEN SQUAWKS

11
00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:30,120
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

12
00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:33,480
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

13
00:00:33,480 --> 00:00:36,160
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

14
00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:39,000
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

15
00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:42,640
# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! #

16
00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:51,640
Righty-o, chaps!
New parliamentary term starts today.

17
00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:53,000
Let's get cracking.

18
00:00:56,440 --> 00:00:59,920
There. Bubble done.
Now, next on the agenda.

19
00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:02,480
We need to reform social care
for the elderly.

20
00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:05,840
"Care"?
What does that mean? Is it a place?

21
00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:07,920
Do you mean "Care-os"?

22
00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:10,920
I think it's near Mykonos.
Not that I've just been there.

23
00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:14,080
Look, the elderly have worked hard,
they deserve dignity,

24
00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:16,360
and, most important,
they vote Tory.

25
00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:19,120
So, let's give the grannies,
oh, 12 billion quid?

26
00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:20,320
How are we gonna pay for that?

27
00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:22,120
Well, how did we pay
for all the COVID stuff?

28
00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:24,600
Don't really know.
Was it clapping?

29
00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:26,880
This time, I'm putting my foot down.

30
00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:29,680
We're going to pay for this
with a tax rise!

31
00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:32,000
But let's call it something else.

32
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:34,480
National Insurance?

33
00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:38,640
I was thinking something
more like "Kindness, by Rishi".

34
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,880
Sounds like a perfume.
It's that too.

35
00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:46,720
Oh! Liquid kindness!

36
00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:50,640
RETCHES
I'm meltin'!

37
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:53,400
Hold on, Rishi.
Who exactly is gonna pay this tax?

38
00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:56,320
Everybody.
It's only £200 per taxpayer.

39
00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:58,120
Just a bottle of Chateau Lafitte.

40
00:01:58,120 --> 00:01:59,680
What?!

41
00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:03,680
Look, we can't tax us,
it's stupid to tax old people,

42
00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:05,120
and we can't go near billionaires.

43
00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:08,040
They're job creators...
for us, after we get out of here.

44
00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:09,560
Fair enough.
Hmm, hmm.

45
00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:12,920
What about taxin'... the young?

46
00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:15,520
The sweet, delicious young.

47
00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:17,280
Perfect! They don't vote for us.

48
00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:20,120
And if they don't like it,
what are they gonna do? Cancel us?

49
00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:21,800
Throw our statues in the river?

50
00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:24,000
That's true!
Hear, hear!

51
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:26,880
MIMICS TECHNO BEAT
Stop right there!

52
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:28,280
Unh!

53
00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:30,320
Gove!
Don't tell me you're still clubbing.

54
00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:32,360
Unh, unh, unh!
I speak for the young.

55
00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:36,000
They have hopes, dreams,
phat beats, huge bumps of ket.

56
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:37,400
Mm-mm-mm-mm.

57
00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:39,280
They're honest, decent...

58
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:42,560
they accepted me
when I was lonely, bereft of love...

59
00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:45,080
Oh, man, I'm coming down!

60
00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:47,360
You all right, Govey?
Perfectly fine, Prime Minister.

61
00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:49,480
Fuck the young.
They're lazy and their music's crap.

62
00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:52,160
Excellent! Then onto item
number three on the agenda.

63
00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:53,400
More bubbles!

64
00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:55,000
ALL CHEER

65
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,120
Bubbles! Yay!

66
00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:05,920
Mr President,
I must speak out for my sisters!

67
00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:09,280
A barbaric, archaic regime
just rolled in

68
00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:11,880
and took away decades
of women's rights.

69
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:14,240
You can't move for armed militants

70
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:18,280
reciting holy passages
and shooting guns in the air!

71
00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:21,920
There are women trying to get on
planes to get out of there

72
00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:23,320
before it's too late!

73
00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:28,080
I told you, Afghanistan
is not my problem any more.

74
00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:29,880
Who said Afghanistan?

75
00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:32,520
I'm talking about
the Texan Abortion Bill.

76
00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:36,560
Oh. Got it.
But that's not my problem either.

77
00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:38,320
Kamala!

78
00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:44,120
Which camera am I looking at?

79
00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:46,240
Oh. Sure, cool.

80
00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:48,960
SQUEAKS

81
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:52,240
I had no idea
I would catch on like this.

82
00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,880
He had a knack of working everyone
into a fever.

83
00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:00,400
Take as long as you like, babycakes.
Num-num-num-num-num-num-num!

84
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:03,960
Corony was tremendous.
He came to all of my rallies.

85
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,320
Corony!
RETCHES

86
00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:08,720
I took a leap, and it paid off.

87
00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:14,320
I was a young microbe back then,

88
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:17,600
playing to small crowds
in wet markets.

89
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:20,800
Oh, sure, those wet markets
were a breeding ground for talent,

90
00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:23,840
but it was all swine-flu this,
and bird-flu that.

91
00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:27,400
No-one had done bat to human!

92
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:30,200
Suddenly, I was on the move!
I was catching!

93
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,040
I was on tour.

94
00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:35,600
First Italy,
then I hit the cruise ship circuit.

95
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:37,840
The oldies loved me.

96
00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:43,320
I was everywhere.
Me, a little microbe from Wuhan!

97
00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:51,920
To be a good lawyer, you've just
gotta follow a few simple rules.

98
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:55,880
Never let them see you sweat.

99
00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:59,840
Keep your hands out of your pants.
Don't butt-dial your phone.

100
00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:02,160
Know the difference
between a five-star hotel

101
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:03,680
and a gardening centre.

102
00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:07,600
Assume the camera's always rolling
and every mic is hot.

103
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:14,120
What the fuck? Are we still rolling?

104
00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:15,560
Oh, shit.

105
00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:19,040
I'm Rudy Giuliani
and this is my masterclass.

106
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:21,640
FARTS

107
00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:28,280
I was a hit in Europe and Asia,

108
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:31,440
but I was nervous
about breaking into America.

109
00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:35,280
But, boy, the Yanks couldn't get
enough of me.

110
00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:39,240
I got a personal tour
in Trump's motorcade...

111
00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,240
You're a great virus. A lot of
people are saying that, by the way.

112
00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:44,600
..and a meet-and-greet
with his staff.

113
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:46,240
RETCHES

114
00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:47,720
I'm the biggest guy in town,

115
00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:50,200
but that dude knocked me for six.

116
00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:51,560
MUFFLED VOICE: Hey!

117
00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:55,280
He was really into me too.
Why don't I get an interview?

118
00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:58,320
Why can I never do this shit alone?
Argh!

119
00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:01,680
The thing about being
a global pandemic,

120
00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:04,320
there are a lot of haters.

121
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:09,280
He wasn't authentic like me.
He was manufactured!

122
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:11,560
Made in a lab.
SNORTS

123
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:13,680
I was down with the pigs.

124
00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:16,760
I ain't gonna lie,
there were a lot of drugs around.

125
00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:20,080
Cheers, fellas!
To my very good health!

126
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:26,080
Whoa, did you spike that bleach,
Corony?

127
00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:30,680
I was partying pretty hard.
Maybe too hard.

128
00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:34,480
Then... the drugs started
to catch up with me.

129
00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:37,720
I thought it was the end.

130
00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,720
I had to reinvent myself.

131
00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:43,160
Then it hit me... variants!

132
00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:44,840
I started to travel again.

133
00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:46,120
Brazil...

134
00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:47,480
South Africa...

135
00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:48,800
Kent.

136
00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:51,800
You ain't seen the back of me yet.

137
00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:55,440
I've still got a couple of surprises
up my sleeve.

138
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:58,120
COUGHS, RETCHES

139
00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:01,560
See you on my never-ending
farewell tour!

140
00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:12,280
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: 'The dolphin,
high-strung ballerina of the deep.

141
00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:15,480
'One of nature's most beautiful
sights...'

142
00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:18,320
200 years of David Attenborough,

143
00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:21,200
and guess what animal
has never been on once.

144
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:22,760
Naked mole rats.

145
00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:26,800
Why don't you ever film us,
you velvet-voiced BLEEP?!

146
00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:28,720
Oh, no, it's always,

147
00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:32,080
"Graceful lions, majestic whales."

148
00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:33,520
You know what's majestic?

149
00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:36,880
The wrinkles
on this scrotum with teeth.

150
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,120
NOISY KISSING

151
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:41,880
We know why people watch
nature shows.

152
00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:43,680
To see animals have sex.

153
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:45,880
We love to do it on camera!

154
00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:47,800
Oh, yeah, come on, honey!

155
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:52,040
Yeah, yeah, oh, oh!
SHE SQUEAKS

156
00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:55,400
Film this,
you whispering eco- BLEEP!

157
00:07:55,400 --> 00:08:01,240
HE GRUNTS,
SHE SQUEAKS

158
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:17,360
Welcome, all.

159
00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:20,080
I declare this meeting of the
Santa Barbara Neighbourhood Council

160
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:22,160
officially...
# ..o-pen! #

161
00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:23,560
Oh!

162
00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:27,680
That's going to cost you, Ellen!
I only have 500 pairs like these.

163
00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:29,200
Why are you even here?

164
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,400
You don't own a house
in Santa Barbara any more.

165
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:34,000
I'm still angry about the tree
you planted in front of my view.

166
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:36,960
I flew all the way from Majorca
to have it torn down.

167
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,400
I flew a jetpack a thousand miles
to get here today

168
00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:41,520
and my ass is still smoking.

169
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:43,760
I don't regret any of it.

170
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:45,200
Today, we have a petition

171
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:47,400
from the newest residents
of Santa Barbara...

172
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,000
Meghan and Harry.

173
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:51,880
Wow, look at all this
Hollywood royalty!

174
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:55,440
It's so funny. I'm Hollywood royalty
and I'm real royalty.

175
00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:56,920
I'm a double royal!

176
00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:59,880
And I'm the cheese
on that double McRoyale!

177
00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:02,440
LAUGHS

178
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:05,560
Oh, great, they're not gonna be
exhausting at all (!)

179
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:08,840
Harry, Meghan, you've applied
to bypass neighbourhood rules.

180
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:11,040
Mm-hm. Our house has a chicken coop.

181
00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:14,640
We ask permission to double its size
and add four more chickens.

182
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:16,760
That is a hell of a lot of eggs,
man.

183
00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:19,240
What are you doing
with all those eggs?

184
00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:21,480
Yoni eggs are wonderful.

185
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:22,840
There's a new record.

186
00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:25,680
It only took her three minutes
to get us thinking about her vagina.

187
00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:28,200
We want to show people
how easy it is

188
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,640
to live an Earth-friendly,
locally-sourced lifestyle.

189
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,000
In a $30 million mansion.

190
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:35,360
And we're not gonna impress people
with four damn chickens.

191
00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:38,040
Hey, princess, the rest of us
actually achieved something

192
00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:39,800
to earn a house in Santa Barbara.

193
00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:42,360
What entitles you
to a bigger chicken coop?

194
00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:44,000
We've got a Netflix deal.

195
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,520
Yeah. We use those for toilet paper.

196
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:49,920
Everyone on this council
is a celebrity of stature.

197
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:51,720
Damn straight!

198
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:56,520
Ah!

199
00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:00,080
CHUCKLES

200
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:04,840
COD-RUSSIAN MUSIC

201
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:10,040
Mr President, we have found a way
to hack into the US power grid.

202
00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:13,360
Millions of businesses
will be plunged into darkness

203
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:16,000
and all air traffic
will be grounded.

204
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,680
Will anyone be poisoned?

205
00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:21,040
Well... no.

206
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:23,720
But this is 21st century,

207
00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:28,120
a world governed by sophisticated
computer technology.

208
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:30,480
The damage will be immense.

209
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:33,760
I like it when people get poisoned.

210
00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:36,440
I like it when their faces
turn blue.

211
00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:39,040
Think of the leverage
it will give us.

212
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:41,480
Very well, I sanction it.

213
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,960
To celebrate, vodka!

214
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,960
Thank you, Mr President!

215
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:47,760
Ey!

216
00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:49,880
CHOKES
PUTIN: Russia.

217
00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:54,760
Combining evil old traditions
with terrible new ones.

218
00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:55,800
THUD

219
00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:59,200
Wait, your face didn't turn blue.

220
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,800
A thousand apologies. Gah!

221
00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:03,160
THUD

222
00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:08,200
I don't see how we can approve
Harry and Meghan's request.

223
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,120
Harry has to look after
the chickens,

224
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:11,800
Meghan has to look after Harry.

225
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:15,040
Is this a situation that benefits
from more chickens?

226
00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:17,840
Speaking as a chicken,
I don't think so.

227
00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:20,400
Request denied, Teethface.

228
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:21,560
You're so mean!

229
00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:23,120
No, I'm not, I'm lovable.

230
00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:24,480
Look, I'm dancing.

231
00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:26,400
Lovable, so lovable.

232
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:28,520
Wait, I have read a buttload

233
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,920
of local property waiver requests
in my time,

234
00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:32,840
but this screams something deeper.

235
00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:35,320
Harry, Meghan, share.

236
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:38,520
Yes, share. I'm nice, like Oprah!

237
00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:40,800
We don't care about the damn
waiver approval.

238
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:44,000
My dad rejected me,
my family kicked me out.

239
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,640
We just want any kind of approval.

240
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:49,080
From the people that matter most...

241
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:50,520
other celebrities.

242
00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:52,480
SOBBING

243
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:53,720
HE SOBS

244
00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:55,680
SHE SNIFFS

245
00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:57,760
ELTON JOHN WEEPS

246
00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:03,200
Acceptance by us,
the only thing that really matters.

247
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:04,400
HE SOBS

248
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:07,480
My brave ginger lad,
and his plucky bride.

249
00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:10,080
Chicken waiver approved!

250
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:11,480
SHE WEEPS

251
00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:14,320
It's so emotional!

252
00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:15,640
SHE BLOWS NOSE

253
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,320
POPPING,
HE YELPS

254
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,000
My egg!
WHOOSHING

255
00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:21,960
I caught the vagina plug!

256
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:23,720
It's the greatest day of my life.

257
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:25,320
Attaboy!

258
00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:27,560
MUSIC PLAYS

259
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:31,400
Hi, I'm Bjorn.

260
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:32,760
I'm Agnetha!

261
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:34,240
I'm Anni-Frid!

262
00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:35,920
I'm frightened.

263
00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:37,560
Are we in space?

264
00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:39,600
No, Benny, we're ABBA!

265
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:42,760
We're back with a new album
and a new concert tour.

266
00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:45,240
Why?
Because we want to do something fun

267
00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:48,480
while we still have
some of our youthful energy!

268
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:51,680
Er... I think I need changing.

269
00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:55,040
Can you imagine
being at a real live ABBA concert?

270
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:57,320
We won't actually be there,
of course.

271
00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:01,280
We'll be at home, counting our
# Money, money, money. #

272
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:05,320
Instead, you can watch our
computer-generated avatars,

273
00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:09,080
or as we like
to call them - Abbatars!

274
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,880
LAUGHTER

275
00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:13,160
AGNETHA COUGHS AND SPUTTERS

276
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:16,480
Why is that funny?
I'm scared.

277
00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:19,160
We'll be performing
a whole album of new songs,

278
00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:21,000
along with the old ones

279
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,200
you actually want to hear!

280
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:25,200
AGNETHA WHEEZES

281
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,560
These suits capture our motions,

282
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:30,160
so it's just like watching us dance.

283
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:31,360
CRACKING

284
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:32,520
HE STRAINS

285
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,760
That hurt.
S.O.S.

286
00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:38,480
So don't miss ABBA live!

287
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:41,360
Bjorn, I found my finger.

288
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:43,800
Oh! Ah, that's good.

289
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:45,720
Well done, Benny.

290
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:49,280
With properly funded
social care for our elder citizens,

291
00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:51,280
this tragedy
could have been avoided.

292
00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:56,000
Please support a 1.25% increase
in National Insurance.

293
00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:06,680
Sometimes you accidentally
dig your way into a hole,

294
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:11,040
but with dignity, decorum,
and a dash of panache

295
00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:14,080
you can dig your way out.

296
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:20,880
Because we're all flawed
and people want to forgive.

297
00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:22,280
HE SCREAMS

298
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:23,440
Argh!

299
00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:27,400
I'm Prince Andrew,

300
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,560
and this is my master...

301
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:30,800
Argh!

302
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:35,560
CHEERING

303
00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:37,760
I'm so happy
to be back in the Manchester.

304
00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:40,960
I love this town.
The culture, the food.

305
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,240
And you're not just coming here
to make a load of money

306
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:44,800
at the end of your career?

307
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,240
Ridiculous.

308
00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:48,960
I am dedicated to the winning.
Excuse me.

309
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:52,640
My first match is coming up,
and I have much preparation to do.

310
00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:57,560
So, Ronaldo, half an hour
to kick-off.

311
00:14:57,560 --> 00:14:59,200
What happened to you?

312
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:02,240
RONALDO BELCHES
What?! I'm proper mad for it.

313
00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:04,960
I go to the chipp-eh.
It was sound.

314
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:07,960
I told you, I love the Manchester.
Let's play.

315
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:10,880
You've spent the last 48 hours
just eating chips?!

316
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:12,760
Have I, bollocks.

317
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:15,640
I also eating meat pie
and bread rolls.

318
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:18,880
Jumbo sausage
with batter scratchings, garnish.

319
00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:23,360
All drowned in gravy,
thick and rich as goat's blood.

320
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:25,280
I'm made up.

321
00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:26,320
HE BELCHES

322
00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:30,080
Anyway, I'm match fit
and ready to give my all.

323
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:33,360
Come out of there, you big bastard!

324
00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:36,320
So, Ronaldo there, fighting
with the gravy for his chips.

325
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:38,800
Evenly-matched at the moment,
but all to play for.

326
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,560
And it's out!
A remarkable pump from Ronaldo.

327
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:43,040
All over the plate!

328
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:45,080
What a meal he's made of that.

329
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:56,240
Come on, Grogu,
you're not a baby any more.

330
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:05,640
You can text your friends
after you finish your frog eggs.

331
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:07,160
I don't eat frog eggs.

332
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,440
Vegan, told you I am, duh!

333
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:16,440
Now, Grogu...
Hate that stupid name, I do.

334
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:18,480
Call me Trey, you will!

335
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:24,760
Denise, I think
you're really special.

336
00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:28,600
And Grogu, I mean Trey,
will come around, give him time.

337
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:32,080
Marry whatever skank you like.
My real dad, you're not!

338
00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:33,320
I can't do this.

339
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,440
Uh... Dad?

340
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:42,920
I'm stuck.

341
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:44,720
You had sex with my helmet?!

342
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:46,000
HE GROANS

343
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:49,040
This is definitely not The Way.

344
00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:51,000
THE MANDALORIAN GRUNTS,
GROGU STRAINS

345
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:53,680
LIGHTSABER WHOOSHES

346
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,960
I didn't even know you had junk.

347
00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:12,800
All right, I think
I got an answer for climate change.

348
00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:15,040
But first, I gotta pee.

349
00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:19,800
At my age, that could take a while,
so I'm invoking the 25th Amendment.

350
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:23,000
That means while I'm tinkling,
you're acting President.

351
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,840
No worry, take your time.

352
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:29,960
PIANO BALLAD PLAYS

353
00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:35,160
# President

354
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,360
# Every time that Joe goes pee

355
00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:40,120
# I realise I'm one heartbeat away

356
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:42,080
# President

357
00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:44,080
# Don't want him to die

358
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:47,240
# But if he did
Well, I guess that I would be OK

359
00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:50,440
# Maybe he could fall
And hit his head

360
00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:54,720
# Or choke on a piece of bread

361
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:59,680
# Or have a total attack
Of the heart... #

362
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:03,040
Am I a bad person to fantasise

363
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,920
about succeeding over
the dead body of a decent man?

364
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:10,200
CHARLES CLEARS THROAT
There are worse things to wish for.

365
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:13,560
# I'd be King

366
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:18,840
Of course I would be heartbroken
If my dear old mum suddenly died

367
00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:21,560
# But I'd be King, for example

368
00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:23,520
# If she slipped
On Yorkshire pudding

369
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:25,320
# Or committed suicide

370
00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:28,640
BOTH: # Wishful thinking's
Not a felony

371
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:32,440
# Just think of all the things
That we could do

372
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:35,680
# Sign an Executive Order or three

373
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:39,080
# Flush the corgis down the loo

374
00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:42,840
# Of course we don't want them
To expire

375
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:45,920
# But since they won't retire

376
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:51,920
# How about a total attack
Of the heart...? #

377
00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:55,440
Do I hear a duet
that needs a third?

378
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:57,320
No, James Corden!
Attention-hungry pig.

379
00:18:57,320 --> 00:19:00,440
# Late Show host
If Stephen Colbert dies,

380
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:03,840
# His job on The Late Show
Will have to go to me... #

381
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:05,360
TV doesn't work that way!

382
00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:08,520
# Late Show host
I would turn the show

383
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:12,240
# Into a musical hour
Of Carpool Karaoke

384
00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:14,800
JAMES AND KAMALA:
# We are all good folks

385
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,560
# We are all good folks

386
00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:20,440
# Even though we hope
Even though we hope

387
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:23,720
ALL: # For a total attack
Of the heart. #

388
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:25,520
TOILET FLUSHES

389
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:27,080
That's the flush of reality.

390
00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:29,480
JAMES WHIMPERS

391
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:30,920
Oh, ouch!

392
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:32,360
JAMES GROANS

393
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:33,840
CRACKING,
JAMES YELPS

394
00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:38,480
Ah, come on, I'm back!

395
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:42,280
Let's just rip up that transfer of
power and you're back to number two.

396
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:44,040
Whoa! Ooh!
SHE GASPS

397
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,360
THUD

398
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:46,560
Whoo!

399
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,240
Little slip-a-magoo
fixed the crick in my neck.

400
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:50,520
SHE SIGHS

401
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:58,200
ULTRASOUND ECHO WOBBLES

402
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:01,320
Take a look at the screen
and you should be able to see baby.

403
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,280
Oh, hello!

404
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:06,240
Oh, gosh, only me.
Hello!

405
00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:08,440
What are you doing inside a uterus?

406
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:11,160
I'm Olivia Colman,
I'm in everything.

407
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:13,360
That's true, actually.
SHE EXHALES

408
00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:15,160
Absolutely everywhere.

409
00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:16,200
Hello!

410
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:17,600
THEY CHUCKLE

411
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:19,000
Oh-ho...

412
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:21,720
Hi, guys! Amazing!

413
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:22,880
Lockdown is over!

414
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:24,160
Joe Wicks!

415
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:27,440
I loved your YouTube workouts!
Cheers!

416
00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:30,440
How about an actual
in-person workout?

417
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:31,840
Oh. I'd love to,

418
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:34,720
but the pubs are back open,
so, you know...

419
00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:36,840
But what about all the changes
we were gonna make?

420
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:40,280
Positive workouts, positive
fitness, positive mental health!

421
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:43,880
Yeah, but as I say,
the pubs are back open.

422
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:48,480
CHANTING: Down in one!
Down in one! Down in one!

423
00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:49,600
SHE BELCHES

424
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:51,240
High knees.

425
00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:52,440
Burpees.

426
00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:53,960
Positive.

427
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:58,520
Hi, guys.
Marcus Rashford!

428
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:02,080
Oh, I loved what you did during
lockdown with the free school meals.

429
00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:05,600
Cheers. Actually, I'm looking for
volunteers for my community kitchen?

430
00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:07,080
I don't suppose any of you would?

431
00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:09,960
Oh, we'd love to, Marcus,
but the pubs are back open.

432
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:12,640
But remember how we were saying
we'd look out for our neighbours

433
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:14,120
and make the world a better place?

434
00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:17,840
Yeah, but the pubs are back open,
so... Yah.

435
00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:19,200
Community.

436
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:20,600
Foodbanks.

437
00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:21,840
Literacy.

438
00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:24,240
# Roll out the barrel!

439
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:28,360
# Let's have a barrel of fun! #
Yoo-hoo!

440
00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:31,360
I can't find any volunteers
for my community kitchen.

441
00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:33,960
And I can't get anyone
to come down my gym class.

442
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,320
Well, that's because
the pubs are back open! Whey!

443
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:37,720
What are we gonna do about it?

444
00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:39,480
Dunno. Have a pint?

445
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:41,400
No! We've gotta stay positive!

446
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:43,680
Come on, guys!
Star jumps!

447
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:45,240
Let's get those pulse rates up!

448
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:47,960
High knees!
Burpees, burpees, burpees!

449
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:50,320
Positive, positive, positive!

450
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:52,480
GUNSHOT

451
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:55,640
I did it for the good of
Great Britain and the Commonwealth.

452
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,520
Yeah, well, the pubs are open.

453
00:21:57,520 --> 00:21:59,640
All right, legends,
it's shots o'clock.

454
00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:02,440
CHEERING

455
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:05,920
# My old man said follow the van

456
00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:08,560
# And don't dilly-dally
On the way. #

457
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:12,640
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

458
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:16,080
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

459
00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:19,240
# Oh-Oh-Oh Oh-Oh... #

460
00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:21,320
How would you like to be
Education Secretary?

461
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:23,960
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

462
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:27,240
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

463
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:30,200
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

464
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:32,520
# Oh-ah Oh-ah Oh-ah

465
00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:34,360
# Oh-ah! #

466
00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:36,400
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