Football is so much better now that fans are back in stadiums.
Yeah, it reminds you what football is really about, man.
Oi, Foden, fuck off back to the hair salon, you peroxide prick!
Dye your hair with this!
It's my piss!
ALL LAUGH DERISIVELY
Their passion is so inspiring.
Ey! Oi! You're wasting food!
Can't wait to play away from home.
CHICKEN SQUAWKS
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! #
Righty-o, chaps! New parliamentary term starts today.
Let's get cracking.
There. Bubble done. Now, next on the agenda.
We need to reform social care for the elderly.
"Care"? What does that mean? Is it a place?
Do you mean "Care-os"?
I think it's near Mykonos. Not that I've just been there.
Look, the elderly have worked hard, they deserve dignity,
and, most important, they vote Tory.
So, let's give the grannies, oh, 12 billion quid?
How are we gonna pay for that?
Well, how did we pay for all the COVID stuff?
Don't really know. Was it clapping?
This time, I'm putting my foot down.
We're going to pay for this with a tax rise!
But let's call it something else.
National Insurance?
I was thinking something more like "Kindness, by Rishi".
Sounds like a perfume. It's that too.
Oh! Liquid kindness!
RETCHES I'm meltin'!
Hold on, Rishi. Who exactly is gonna pay this tax?
Everybody. It's only £200 per taxpayer.
Just a bottle of Chateau Lafitte.
What?!
Look, we can't tax us, it's stupid to tax old people,
and we can't go near billionaires.
They're job creators... for us, after we get out of here.
Fair enough. Hmm, hmm.
What about taxin'... the young?
The sweet, delicious young.
Perfect! They don't vote for us.
And if they don't like it, what are they gonna do? Cancel us?
Throw our statues in the river?
That's true! Hear, hear!
MIMICS TECHNO BEAT Stop right there!
Unh!
Gove! Don't tell me you're still clubbing.
Unh, unh, unh! I speak for the young.
They have hopes, dreams, phat beats, huge bumps of ket.
Mm-mm-mm-mm.
They're honest, decent...
they accepted me when I was lonely, bereft of love...
Oh, man, I'm coming down!
You all right, Govey? Perfectly fine, Prime Minister.
Fuck the young. They're lazy and their music's crap.
Excellent! Then onto item number three on the agenda.
More bubbles!
ALL CHEER
Bubbles! Yay!
Mr President, I must speak out for my sisters!
A barbaric, archaic regime just rolled in
and took away decades of women's rights.
You can't move for armed militants
reciting holy passages and shooting guns in the air!
There are women trying to get on planes to get out of there
before it's too late!
I told you, Afghanistan is not my problem any more.
Who said Afghanistan?
I'm talking about the Texan Abortion Bill.
Oh. Got it. But that's not my problem either.
Kamala!
Which camera am I looking at?
Oh. Sure, cool.
SQUEAKS
I had no idea I would catch on like this.
He had a knack of working everyone into a fever.
Take as long as you like, babycakes. Num-num-num-num-num-num-num!
Corony was tremendous. He came to all of my rallies.
Corony! RETCHES
I took a leap, and it paid off.
I was a young microbe back then,
playing to small crowds in wet markets.
Oh, sure, those wet markets were a breeding ground for talent,
but it was all swine-flu this, and bird-flu that.
No-one had done bat to human!
Suddenly, I was on the move! I was catching!
I was on tour.
First Italy, then I hit the cruise ship circuit.
The oldies loved me.
I was everywhere. Me, a little microbe from Wuhan!
To be a good lawyer, you've just gotta follow a few simple rules.
Never let them see you sweat.
Keep your hands out of your pants. Don't butt-dial your phone.
Know the difference between a five-star hotel
and a gardening centre.
Assume the camera's always rolling and every mic is hot.
What the fuck? Are we still rolling?
Oh, shit.
I'm Rudy Giuliani and this is my masterclass.
FARTS
I was a hit in Europe and Asia,
but I was nervous about breaking into America.
But, boy, the Yanks couldn't get enough of me.
I got a personal tour in Trump's motorcade...
You're a great virus. A lot of people are saying that, by the way.
..and a meet-and-greet with his staff.
RETCHES
I'm the biggest guy in town,
but that dude knocked me for six.
MUFFLED VOICE: Hey!
He was really into me too. Why don't I get an interview?
Why can I never do this shit alone? Argh!
The thing about being a global pandemic,
there are a lot of haters.
He wasn't authentic like me. He was manufactured!
Made in a lab. SNORTS
I was down with the pigs.
I ain't gonna lie, there were a lot of drugs around.
Cheers, fellas! To my very good health!
Whoa, did you spike that bleach, Corony?
I was partying pretty hard. Maybe too hard.
Then... the drugs started to catch up with me.
I thought it was the end.
I had to reinvent myself.
Then it hit me... variants!
I started to travel again.
Brazil...
South Africa...
Kent.
You ain't seen the back of me yet.
I've still got a couple of surprises up my sleeve.
COUGHS, RETCHES
See you on my never-ending farewell tour!
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: 'The dolphin, high-strung ballerina of the deep.
'One of nature's most beautiful sights...'
200 years of David Attenborough,
and guess what animal has never been on once.
Naked mole rats.
Why don't you ever film us, you velvet-voiced BLEEP?!
Oh, no, it's always,
"Graceful lions, majestic whales."
You know what's majestic?
The wrinkles on this scrotum with teeth.
NOISY KISSING
We know why people watch nature shows.
To see animals have sex.
We love to do it on camera!
Oh, yeah, come on, honey!
Yeah, yeah, oh, oh! SHE SQUEAKS
Film this, you whispering eco- BLEEP!
HE GRUNTS, SHE SQUEAKS
Welcome, all.
I declare this meeting of the Santa Barbara Neighbourhood Council
officially... # ..o-pen! #
Oh!
That's going to cost you, Ellen! I only have 500 pairs like these.
Why are you even here?
You don't own a house in Santa Barbara any more.
I'm still angry about the tree you planted in front of my view.
I flew all the way from Majorca to have it torn down.
I flew a jetpack a thousand miles to get here today
and my ass is still smoking.
I don't regret any of it.
Today, we have a petition
from the newest residents of Santa Barbara...
Meghan and Harry.
Wow, look at all this Hollywood royalty!
It's so funny. I'm Hollywood royalty and I'm real royalty.
I'm a double royal!
And I'm the cheese on that double McRoyale!
LAUGHS
Oh, great, they're not gonna be exhausting at all (!)
Harry, Meghan, you've applied to bypass neighbourhood rules.
Mm-hm. Our house has a chicken coop.
We ask permission to double its size and add four more chickens.
That is a hell of a lot of eggs, man.
What are you doing with all those eggs?
Yoni eggs are wonderful.
There's a new record.
It only took her three minutes to get us thinking about her vagina.
We want to show people how easy it is
to live an Earth-friendly, locally-sourced lifestyle.
In a $30 million mansion.
And we're not gonna impress people with four damn chickens.
Hey, princess, the rest of us actually achieved something
to earn a house in Santa Barbara.
What entitles you to a bigger chicken coop?
We've got a Netflix deal.
Yeah. We use those for toilet paper.
Everyone on this council is a celebrity of stature.
Damn straight!
Ah!
CHUCKLES
COD-RUSSIAN MUSIC
Mr President, we have found a way to hack into the US power grid.
Millions of businesses will be plunged into darkness
and all air traffic will be grounded.
Will anyone be poisoned?
Well... no.
But this is 21st century,
a world governed by sophisticated computer technology.
The damage will be immense.
I like it when people get poisoned.
I like it when their faces turn blue.
Think of the leverage it will give us.
Very well, I sanction it.
To celebrate, vodka!
Thank you, Mr President!
Ey!
CHOKES PUTIN: Russia.
Combining evil old traditions with terrible new ones.
THUD
Wait, your face didn't turn blue.
A thousand apologies. Gah!
THUD
I don't see how we can approve Harry and Meghan's request.
Harry has to look after the chickens,
Meghan has to look after Harry.
Is this a situation that benefits from more chickens?
Speaking as a chicken, I don't think so.
Request denied, Teethface.
You're so mean!
No, I'm not, I'm lovable.
Look, I'm dancing.
Lovable, so lovable.
Wait, I have read a buttload
of local property waiver requests in my time,
but this screams something deeper.
Harry, Meghan, share.
Yes, share. I'm nice, like Oprah!
We don't care about the damn waiver approval.
My dad rejected me, my family kicked me out.
We just want any kind of approval.
From the people that matter most...
other celebrities.
SOBBING
HE SOBS
SHE SNIFFS
ELTON JOHN WEEPS
Acceptance by us, the only thing that really matters.
HE SOBS
My brave ginger lad, and his plucky bride.
Chicken waiver approved!
SHE WEEPS
It's so emotional!
SHE BLOWS NOSE
POPPING, HE YELPS
My egg! WHOOSHING
I caught the vagina plug!
It's the greatest day of my life.
Attaboy!
MUSIC PLAYS
Hi, I'm Bjorn.
I'm Agnetha!
I'm Anni-Frid!
I'm frightened.
Are we in space?
No, Benny, we're ABBA!
We're back with a new album and a new concert tour.
Why? Because we want to do something fun
while we still have some of our youthful energy!
Er... I think I need changing.
Can you imagine being at a real live ABBA concert?
We won't actually be there, of course.
We'll be at home, counting our # Money, money, money. #
Instead, you can watch our computer-generated avatars,
or as we like to call them - Abbatars!
LAUGHTER
AGNETHA COUGHS AND SPUTTERS
Why is that funny? I'm scared.
We'll be performing a whole album of new songs,
along with the old ones
you actually want to hear!
AGNETHA WHEEZES
These suits capture our motions,
so it's just like watching us dance.
CRACKING
HE STRAINS
That hurt. S.O.S.
So don't miss ABBA live!
Bjorn, I found my finger.
Oh! Ah, that's good.
Well done, Benny.
With properly funded social care for our elder citizens,
this tragedy could have been avoided.
Please support a 1.25% increase in National Insurance.
Sometimes you accidentally dig your way into a hole,
but with dignity, decorum, and a dash of panache
you can dig your way out.
Because we're all flawed and people want to forgive.
HE SCREAMS
Argh!
I'm Prince Andrew,
and this is my master...
Argh!
CHEERING
I'm so happy to be back in the Manchester.
I love this town. The culture, the food.
And you're not just coming here to make a load of money
at the end of your career?
Ridiculous.
I am dedicated to the winning. Excuse me.
My first match is coming up, and I have much preparation to do.
So, Ronaldo, half an hour to kick-off.
What happened to you?
RONALDO BELCHES What?! I'm proper mad for it.
I go to the chipp-eh. It was sound.
I told you, I love the Manchester. Let's play.
You've spent the last 48 hours just eating chips?!
Have I, bollocks.
I also eating meat pie and bread rolls.
Jumbo sausage with batter scratchings, garnish.
All drowned in gravy, thick and rich as goat's blood.
I'm made up.
HE BELCHES
Anyway, I'm match fit and ready to give my all.
Come out of there, you big bastard!
So, Ronaldo there, fighting with the gravy for his chips.
Evenly-matched at the moment, but all to play for.
And it's out! A remarkable pump from Ronaldo.
All over the plate!
What a meal he's made of that.
Come on, Grogu, you're not a baby any more.
You can text your friends after you finish your frog eggs.
I don't eat frog eggs.
Vegan, told you I am, duh!
Now, Grogu... Hate that stupid name, I do.
Call me Trey, you will!
Denise, I think you're really special.
And Grogu, I mean Trey, will come around, give him time.
Marry whatever skank you like. My real dad, you're not!
I can't do this.
Uh... Dad?
I'm stuck.
You had sex with my helmet?!
HE GROANS
This is definitely not The Way.
THE MANDALORIAN GRUNTS, GROGU STRAINS
LIGHTSABER WHOOSHES
I didn't even know you had junk.
All right, I think I got an answer for climate change.
But first, I gotta pee.
At my age, that could take a while, so I'm invoking the 25th Amendment.
That means while I'm tinkling, you're acting President.
No worry, take your time.
PIANO BALLAD PLAYS
# President
# Every time that Joe goes pee
# I realise I'm one heartbeat away
# President
# Don't want him to die
# But if he did Well, I guess that I would be OK
# Maybe he could fall And hit his head
# Or choke on a piece of bread
# Or have a total attack Of the heart... #
Am I a bad person to fantasise
about succeeding over the dead body of a decent man?
CHARLES CLEARS THROAT There are worse things to wish for.
# I'd be King
Of course I would be heartbroken If my dear old mum suddenly died
# But I'd be King, for example
# If she slipped On Yorkshire pudding
# Or committed suicide
BOTH: # Wishful thinking's Not a felony
# Just think of all the things That we could do
# Sign an Executive Order or three
# Flush the corgis down the loo
# Of course we don't want them To expire
# But since they won't retire
# How about a total attack Of the heart...? #
Do I hear a duet that needs a third?
No, James Corden! Attention-hungry pig.
# Late Show host If Stephen Colbert dies,
# His job on The Late Show Will have to go to me... #
TV doesn't work that way!
# Late Show host I would turn the show
# Into a musical hour Of Carpool Karaoke
JAMES AND KAMALA: # We are all good folks
# Even though we hope Even though we hope
ALL: # For a total attack Of the heart. #
TOILET FLUSHES
That's the flush of reality.
JAMES WHIMPERS
Oh, ouch!
JAMES GROANS
CRACKING, JAMES YELPS
Ah, come on, I'm back!
Let's just rip up that transfer of power and you're back to number two.
Whoa! Ooh! SHE GASPS
THUD
Whoo!
Little slip-a-magoo fixed the crick in my neck.
SHE SIGHS
ULTRASOUND ECHO WOBBLES
Take a look at the screen and you should be able to see baby.
Oh, hello!
Oh, gosh, only me. Hello!
What are you doing inside a uterus?
I'm Olivia Colman, I'm in everything.
That's true, actually. SHE EXHALES
Absolutely everywhere.
Hello!
THEY CHUCKLE
Oh-ho...
Hi, guys! Amazing!
Lockdown is over!
Joe Wicks!
I loved your YouTube workouts! Cheers!
How about an actual in-person workout?
Oh. I'd love to,
but the pubs are back open, so, you know...
But what about all the changes we were gonna make?
Positive workouts, positive fitness, positive mental health!
Yeah, but as I say, the pubs are back open.
CHANTING: Down in one! Down in one! Down in one!
SHE BELCHES
High knees.
Burpees.
Positive.
Hi, guys. Marcus Rashford!
Oh, I loved what you did during lockdown with the free school meals.
Cheers. Actually, I'm looking for volunteers for my community kitchen?
I don't suppose any of you would?
Oh, we'd love to, Marcus, but the pubs are back open.
But remember how we were saying we'd look out for our neighbours
and make the world a better place?
Yeah, but the pubs are back open, so... Yah.
Community.
Foodbanks.
Literacy.
# Roll out the barrel!
# Let's have a barrel of fun! # Yoo-hoo!
I can't find any volunteers for my community kitchen.
And I can't get anyone to come down my gym class.
Well, that's because the pubs are back open! Whey!
What are we gonna do about it?
Dunno. Have a pint?
No! We've gotta stay positive!
Come on, guys! Star jumps!
Let's get those pulse rates up!
High knees! Burpees, burpees, burpees!
Positive, positive, positive!
GUNSHOT
I did it for the good of Great Britain and the Commonwealth.
Yeah, well, the pubs are open.
All right, legends, it's shots o'clock.
CHEERING
# My old man said follow the van
# And don't dilly-dally On the way. #
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
# Oh-Oh-Oh Oh-Oh... #
How would you like to be Education Secretary?
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
# Oh-ah Oh-ah Oh-ah
# Oh-ah! #
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