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=The CollectorZ=
2020

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Good day, I'm Prince Andrew.

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The producers of Spitting Image
have very kindly

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offered me a chance to speak
directly to you, the public.

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"Come down," they said.

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"Sit right there in that chair,"
they said,

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"and hold you head just like this."
So, I...

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Urgh!

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Melania, wake up.

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I need help with this tweet.

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Urgh, for the last time!

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There's only two Fs in covfefe.

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Now, put that away and go to sleep.

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I can't. I have to retweet
five fake stories,

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deny one real one,

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and call Meghan Markle an idiot.

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Can't someone else do it?
But who?

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Who could really capture my style
and swagger?

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Got it!

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Oh, no...

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..not that asshole.

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Good boy.

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I say this,
it spells better than you.

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Doesn't that asshole ever sleep?

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My family or yours?

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Dom, I've been looking at the speech
that you've written.

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Rather harsh, you know,
a bit of a sledgehammer.

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I'm not sure about starting,

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"Attention, you the underclass."

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Yes, we should cut the niceties
and get straight to,

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"Sacrifice yourself
for the good of the hive."

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And by "hive", you mean...?

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I mean, future of the hive...
I mean, country.

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Are you dissatisfied with me?
Perhaps you would like to fire me.

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I don't think
that will be necessary.

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I thought not.

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So, this is what you call a baby?

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Ah, yes. It looks delicious.

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May I eat it?

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Ha-ha, jolly good.

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'Fraid not,
Carrie would be furious.

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Then I shall not do that.

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Instead, I shall eat
some of your Earth snacks.

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Ah, good-oh.

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Now, you write,
"Composting the drones

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"will ensure the survival
of the elite."

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Is there a problem?

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Well, it's more of a Cameron/Osborne
type of policy.

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It is not Liberal or Conservative,
it is basic hive maintenance.

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Yeah, I just want it
a bit more sunlit uplands,

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Pimm's in deckchairs,

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and a bit less vaporising strikers
with death rays.

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I didn't come all the way
from Epsilon 5,

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I mean Durham, to write a speech
with no death rays.

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Perhaps you would like to fire me?

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Oh, I don't think
that will be necessary.

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I thought not.

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I have consumed my snack.

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Are you sure I can't eat the baby?

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Yes,
I'm sure you can't eat the baby.

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If I did, would you fire me?

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Er, you know,
I don't think that's necessary.

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And now the weather forecast
with Greta Thunberg.

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That was the weather
with Greta Thunberg.

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Welcome to Case Western
Health Center,

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the finest venue in America
for this debate,

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since it's a geriatric clinic.

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Here are the candidates,
President Donald Trump.

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Boo, you're a loser.

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OK, the debate rules
specifically said,

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you wouldn't throw shoes at me.

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Meh!

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And former Vice President Joe Biden.

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SNORING Huh? Malarkey!

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First question, Mr President,
about your taxes.

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There's been a lot of fake news
about that.

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So fake I had to invent a new word,

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phoney-looby-dooby-ding-dang.

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So it's not true
you only paid $750 in taxes?

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I want to apologise to America
for that.

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I'm a smart businessman.

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I should have paid nothing.

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My accountant didn't tell me
you could deduct gravy funnels.

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Rebuttal, Mr Biden?

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Folks, I want to level with you.

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Camera's over here.
Thanks.

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I mean, let's get the country going
in the right direction.

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Next on the agenda,
two minutes of interruptions.

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Here's the deal...
Not smart at all...

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Nothing done...
Shut up, man...

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Phoney-looby-dooby-ding-dang.

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That actually went as planned.

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For the next question,

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we will fact check your answers
in real time.

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Vice President Biden, where do
you stand on Medicare for all?

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Hey, folks, I've always stood
exactly where I am right now,

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which, I believe,
is my Aunt Ellie's front parlour.

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Fact checker?
Partially true.

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It does look like
Aunt Ellie's parlour.

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My turn! I've been the best
President ever on healthcare.

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Better than that loser Washington.

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He had zero ventilators
at Pearl Harbor.

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I did an excellent job
on this answer.

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I'm strong, too.
I can lift a couch.

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Buy Trump steaks.

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Fact checker?

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That's the kind of violence you can
expect in Joe Biden's Americ-antifa.

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Oh, guys.

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I am not taking the bait
from this clown.

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Not kindly Uncle Joe
from Scranton, Pennsylvania.

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Oh, you mean Skankton, Crapsylvania?

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I'll beat you like a drum.

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Liar boy!

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That's the end of this debate.
Buy steaks!

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It actually was more dignified
than expected.

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Fill her up, mate.

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I'm Lewis Hamilton,
Formula 1 driver,

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crusader against injustice,
and VAT dodger.

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It's time to call out

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the big oil and gas polluters
messing up our planet,

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apart from my sponsors
Petronas Oil and Gas,

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who do a bloody good job
and will not be beaten on price.

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Fill her up again, please, mate.

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What up, Dom Heads?

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It's the Raabocop,

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Foreign Secretary
and martial arts madman!

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Ha! Ha! Hi-yah!

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Today, I'm going to show you
some of my personal,

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ultimate fighting master moves.

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It's not karate, it's...

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Move one - someone's coming in hard
with a tough question.

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What do you do?

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Use that anywhere.

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On radio, Newsnight,
talking to black people.

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Put your foot in your mouth.

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Move two -
the country's going to shit,

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you're supposed to do something,
you have no idea what.

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Try this...

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Hi-yah!

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Don't see no problems in here!

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Move three -
you've got things under control,

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the press is leaving you alone,
but you need press, man.

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How do you get it?

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Oh, Raab-arama!

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I do this every day.

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Zoom right to page one.

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That's got to hurt.

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Hurts so good.

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Ka-Raab-te!

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Don't forget to ring the bell
and subscribe.

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Our company has to take a stand.

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Consumers need to feel like
we care about social justice.

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We need to show our product line
opposes systemic racism.

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It's 2020, people.

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Unlike 2019, it's time for us

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to acknowledge the suffering
of black people in America.

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But also merchandising.

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I got the answer right here.

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Black baby Yoda.

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Hey!
Matter black lives too.

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My gosh, we're woke.

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So you're back, you disgusting worm.

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Just remember, no photographs,

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no touching, no mentioning Ben
& Jerry's ice cream. No, mistress.

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So, what repulsive kink
do you want today?

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Well, I'd like...

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Oh, it's so nasty.

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I'd like
unpopular Conservative opinions

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only you can get away with.

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Ask, you shall receive, Tory boy.

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Mm.
We must limit all immigration.

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Except for Israelis.

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Ooh, you can say it
because you're Asian.

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If single mothers
can't afford babies,

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they should have abortions.

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If they want abortions,
they shouldn't have had sex.

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Yes.

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You can say it
because you're a woman.

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Although it would be nice
if it made sense.

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People should only qualify
for universal credit

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if they don't need universal credit.

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Why do young people love rocket?

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It's just smelly leaves.

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Black Panther is a terrible movie.

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Yes, we think it, you say it.

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Oh, I'm close.
Are you pleasuring yourself, filth?

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No, I'm close to figuring out
how to chop up he NHS

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and sell it in little pieces,

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and therefore also close to orgasm.

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Sell poppers in corner shops.

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Trans women are ducks.

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Eggs are delicious on pizza.
That's not Conservative.

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Enact mandatory morris dancing.

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That's too Conservative.
Stop, stop!

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Had enough, slime? Yes.

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Right, now you do me.

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Year on year, fiscal returns
have outpaced projections

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by an annual adjusted rate of 4%.

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God, I love dull men!

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God, I could use a drink.

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I can't believe
they figured out our scheme

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to reclassify the parliamentary pub
as a canteen

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so that it could stay open past ten.

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Don't worry, sir,
I reclassified the chapel as Ibiza.

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Foam party!

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God, I love a loophole.

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I'm David Attenborough.

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Although I'm 94 years old,

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I've learned how to use Instagram.

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Because our planet is in great...

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You look at the phone, David.

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Oh, fucking Instagram!

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All right, I've finished my clippy.

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Where it says signature,
do I put the royal seal?

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That's not necessary, Mr...

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..Of Wales.

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00:10:00,660 --> 00:10:02,636
I see here that your previous career
was in realty.

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00:10:02,660 --> 00:10:04,676
Royalty. But it wasn't a career.

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My wife's got a Netflix empire.
Who doesn't?

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00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:10,636
But I want a real job,
honest work,

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roll up my sleeves,
put jammy on my own scones.

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Please read the sign.

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Oh, that's a lot to read.

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Do you have it on audiobook?

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00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:20,636
Tell me about
your marketable skills.

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00:10:20,660 --> 00:10:22,996
I can fly an Apache
tank-killing helicopter.

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And have you killed many tanks?

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None that I was supposed to.

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Hm. Anything else?

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I'm good at collecting cheques
from the government.

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Do you have that here?
Oh, that's called unemployment.

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To get it, you have to have
an actual job first.

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Right, right.

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Oh, I could cut ribbons
to open hospitals.

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I've got my own scissors.

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Don't worry, they're safety.

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Oh, it's OK.

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The same thing happened
at the children's hospital.

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Ho-ho, the kids loved it!

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Mr and Vice President,

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welcome to the CDC labs.

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Sir, it's a sterile space.
You don't need to wear a mask.

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It's not a mask, it's a feed bag.

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00:11:05,660 --> 00:11:08,836
Now, listen, I'm tired of waiting
for you scientists

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to do something about this virus.

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00:11:11,660 --> 00:11:14,636
It's hanging around
like Eric's aftershave,

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00:11:14,660 --> 00:11:15,996
Sir, the vaccine is already in

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phase three safety
and efficacy line trials.

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Uh-huh.

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Mansplain that to me, VP.

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Sticking people with needles,
seeing what happens.

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Not good enough.
I need things to happen now!

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Give me something to work with,
lady.

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You're smart.
I mean, look at you.

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00:11:32,020 --> 00:11:35,996
Out on the street you're a five,
but in here with these nerds?

256
00:11:36,020 --> 00:11:38,316
Num-num-num-num-num-num!

257
00:11:38,340 --> 00:11:39,636
As a woman in science,

258
00:11:39,660 --> 00:11:42,636
that's still the most respectful
thing anyone's ever said to me.

259
00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:46,476
So, where is this virus?
In this little beer nut tray?

260
00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:49,156
Petri dish.
It's growing in a nutrient bath.

261
00:11:49,180 --> 00:11:50,636
Living in its own food, eh?

262
00:11:50,660 --> 00:11:53,636
Let's get Jared working on that
for me.

263
00:11:53,660 --> 00:11:56,636
You scientists gotta treat
this virus like a businessman.

264
00:11:56,660 --> 00:12:00,636
Make a deal, bang his wife,
declare bankruptcy, skip town.

265
00:12:00,660 --> 00:12:02,636
Er, what are you proposing?

266
00:12:02,660 --> 00:12:05,636
Get me across the table
with this virus dude.

267
00:12:05,660 --> 00:12:07,636
I'll negotiate us a great deal,

268
00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:08,836
people are saying the best deal.

269
00:12:08,860 --> 00:12:12,316
Huh. Well, this is kind of
out of the blue, but, er...

270
00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:13,660
..we do have a shrink ray.

271
00:12:15,660 --> 00:12:17,636
Less yappin', more zappin'.

272
00:12:26,660 --> 00:12:29,636
Coroney, you got New York style.

273
00:12:29,660 --> 00:12:31,636
I think you and I can make a deal.

274
00:12:31,660 --> 00:12:34,676
There's an art to it, according to
the guy who wrote my book.

275
00:12:34,700 --> 00:12:38,636
Why should I make a deal?
Things are going great for me.

276
00:12:38,660 --> 00:12:40,156
I can make things easier.

277
00:12:40,180 --> 00:12:43,636
You leave the rest of us alone
and you can have all the old people.

278
00:12:43,660 --> 00:12:46,636
We're talking men over 90,
women over 27.

279
00:12:46,660 --> 00:12:47,637
Throw in fat people.

280
00:12:47,661 --> 00:12:49,636
Fat women? And men.

281
00:12:49,660 --> 00:12:51,636
No deal.

282
00:12:51,660 --> 00:12:54,636
I'm already letting you have
all the poor and ethnic types.

283
00:12:54,660 --> 00:12:56,636
We never asked for them.

284
00:12:56,660 --> 00:12:58,636
Well, they're yours.
No take backs.

285
00:12:58,660 --> 00:13:00,636
Mr Trump, you are wasting my time.

286
00:13:00,660 --> 00:13:02,636
This negotiation is over.

287
00:13:02,660 --> 00:13:04,636
I'm not leaving without a win.

288
00:13:04,660 --> 00:13:07,156
What is that?
A squirt gun.

289
00:13:07,180 --> 00:13:08,636
Filled with
the longest word I know -

290
00:13:08,660 --> 00:13:11,860
Hydro-cloxy-woxy-loxy-quoxy-
chlorocline.

291
00:13:15,660 --> 00:13:18,636
Mm, good stuff.
Can I get some more?

292
00:13:18,660 --> 00:13:21,636
You know, Coroney?
You're everything I like.

293
00:13:21,660 --> 00:13:25,636
You're tough, you're sneaky,
you're a threat to humanity.

294
00:13:25,660 --> 00:13:27,636
I want you in my organisation.

295
00:13:27,660 --> 00:13:30,636
Interesting.
What did you have in mind?

296
00:13:30,660 --> 00:13:32,636
I'll explain it on the way up.

297
00:13:32,660 --> 00:13:35,636
Hey, Lady Lab Coat, big me.

298
00:13:40,660 --> 00:13:42,636
Oh, my God, sir!
You brought it back with you!

299
00:13:42,660 --> 00:13:44,636
Pence...

300
00:13:44,660 --> 00:13:45,660
..you're fired.

301
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:50,156
I knew the hydroxy
would kill something annoying.

302
00:13:52,500 --> 00:13:55,636
Say hello
to your new Vice President.

303
00:13:55,660 --> 00:13:58,636
I'm gonna bring a lot of new ideas

304
00:13:58,660 --> 00:14:02,156
now that I'm in charge of
the Anti-Virus Task Force.

305
00:14:02,180 --> 00:14:04,156
It's great to have a guy like this

306
00:14:04,180 --> 00:14:06,636
just a heartbeat away
from the presidency.

307
00:14:11,660 --> 00:14:14,636
Hey, it's the husband
formerly known as Prince.

308
00:14:14,660 --> 00:14:15,637
Any luck getting a job?

309
00:14:15,661 --> 00:14:20,636
They had me driving for Uber Eats,
but there were too many damn rules!

310
00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:24,636
"Don't touch the food, don't taste
the food, drive on the road."

311
00:14:24,660 --> 00:14:27,636
I'm sorry, Rowdy Reddy.

312
00:14:27,660 --> 00:14:30,636
But then, I was driving
down the sidewalk in Hollywood

313
00:14:30,660 --> 00:14:32,476
and I saw something amazing!

314
00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:34,156
People dress up in costumes,

315
00:14:34,180 --> 00:14:37,636
like Spider-Man or Jack Sparrow,
and pose with tourists,

316
00:14:37,660 --> 00:14:38,637
a dollar a photo!

317
00:14:38,661 --> 00:14:40,636
That's perfect!

318
00:14:40,660 --> 00:14:43,636
You love people, you're good
at getting your photo taken.

319
00:14:43,660 --> 00:14:45,636
And I've already got a costume!

320
00:14:45,660 --> 00:14:49,636
All right,
who's ready for a photo with Hitler?

321
00:14:49,660 --> 00:14:50,637
Anybody?

322
00:14:50,661 --> 00:14:52,636
How about Hitler and Pikachu?

323
00:14:52,660 --> 00:14:55,636
Who wouldn't want a picture
with Hitler and Pikachu?

324
00:14:55,660 --> 00:14:56,637
Pikachu!

325
00:14:56,661 --> 00:14:58,660
Agh!

326
00:14:59,660 --> 00:15:01,676
Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

327
00:15:01,700 --> 00:15:03,676
SNIFFS Mm-mm.

328
00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:06,636
Real brainteaser, that.
It's all edge!

329
00:15:06,660 --> 00:15:09,636
Now, what's this I hear about
a problem with the college students?

330
00:15:09,660 --> 00:15:11,636
Because of the rise
in campus infection rates,

331
00:15:11,660 --> 00:15:13,636
we had to impose
some mild restrictions.

332
00:15:13,660 --> 00:15:16,636
Love it. What have we done?
We've locked them up.

333
00:15:16,660 --> 00:15:17,637
I see no problem.

334
00:15:17,661 --> 00:15:21,636
The larvae flourish when confined
to their hexagonal pods.

335
00:15:21,660 --> 00:15:24,996
D-d-doesn't that make
the universities rather...

336
00:15:25,020 --> 00:15:27,636
..prisony? Shut up, Hancock.

337
00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:29,660
Sorry, fair point.
I'll stand behind the plant.

338
00:15:30,660 --> 00:15:33,636
This quadruples the prison
population at a stroke.

339
00:15:33,660 --> 00:15:34,676
Hashtag vote winner!

340
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:37,636
The students are complaining
that they're stuck in their rooms,

341
00:15:37,660 --> 00:15:39,636
they have to attend lectures online

342
00:15:39,660 --> 00:15:41,636
and they can't go home
for the holidays.

343
00:15:41,660 --> 00:15:42,637
Let me get this straight.

344
00:15:42,661 --> 00:15:44,636
These kids lie around all day
in their jim-jams,

345
00:15:44,660 --> 00:15:47,636
spaffing on the internet,
non-stop rummage in the scrummage,

346
00:15:47,660 --> 00:15:49,636
and there's absolutely no way

347
00:15:49,660 --> 00:15:51,636
they'll see their family
at Christmas?

348
00:15:51,660 --> 00:15:53,636
Yes, Prime Minister.
Hey, what's that?

349
00:15:58,660 --> 00:16:00,316
So, fellow students,

350
00:16:00,340 --> 00:16:03,636
who fancies two pints of vodka
and a game of human Jenga?

351
00:16:03,660 --> 00:16:04,637
Who are you again?

352
00:16:04,661 --> 00:16:07,676
I'm the new boy, Johnson B,
The Bozemeister.

353
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:11,636
Reading Classics,
like I give a damn, right?

354
00:16:11,660 --> 00:16:12,637
Erm, boundaries?

355
00:16:12,661 --> 00:16:14,636
As in let's cross them, eh?

356
00:16:14,660 --> 00:16:18,660
Well, break out the green,
I brought the parliamentary bong.

357
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:22,636
Smoking marijuana
is cultural appropriation.

358
00:16:22,660 --> 00:16:24,636
Crikey, statue topplers, eh?

359
00:16:24,660 --> 00:16:26,636
What do you do for kicks
around here?

360
00:16:26,660 --> 00:16:27,637
I'm teaching myself coding.

361
00:16:27,661 --> 00:16:30,636
I'm curating a web page
for vegan profiteroles.

362
00:16:30,660 --> 00:16:32,636
Sounds rather serious.

363
00:16:32,660 --> 00:16:33,637
University is serious.

364
00:16:33,661 --> 00:16:35,636
We're here to study,
not to waste time.

365
00:16:35,660 --> 00:16:37,636
Not at £9,000 a year.

366
00:16:37,660 --> 00:16:40,316
How much?! 9,000.

367
00:16:40,340 --> 00:16:41,660
What's that?

368
00:16:44,660 --> 00:16:46,020
What a bunch of idiots.

369
00:16:48,660 --> 00:16:51,636
Well, the costume thing went OK,
but not great.

370
00:16:51,660 --> 00:16:53,636
Somebody gave me $20.

371
00:16:53,660 --> 00:16:55,636
For a single picture?

372
00:16:55,660 --> 00:16:57,316
Yeah, to stay out of
a single picture.

373
00:16:57,340 --> 00:17:00,636
I don't know, Megs.
I've tried every career there is -

374
00:17:00,660 --> 00:17:02,636
Prince, Hitler...

375
00:17:02,660 --> 00:17:04,636
Maybe I'm just not qualified
for anything.

376
00:17:04,660 --> 00:17:06,156
That's not true!

377
00:17:06,180 --> 00:17:09,636
You're a great husband,
a good-hearted man,

378
00:17:09,660 --> 00:17:12,636
you've got big, muscular teeth.

379
00:17:12,660 --> 00:17:13,637
Thanks, Meg.

380
00:17:13,661 --> 00:17:16,636
And I guess now
I'm qualified for this!

381
00:17:16,660 --> 00:17:17,660
Unemployment!

382
00:17:20,180 --> 00:17:22,660
Now I'm a regular Yankee geezer!

383
00:17:24,660 --> 00:17:26,636
Hi. It's me again.

384
00:17:26,660 --> 00:17:28,636
Lewis Hamilton, Formula 1 star,

385
00:17:28,660 --> 00:17:31,836
enviro-campaigner
and offshore tax haven lover.

386
00:17:31,860 --> 00:17:36,316
Human rights abuses
have got to stop now. End of.

387
00:17:36,340 --> 00:17:39,636
Apart from in China, Russia and
Bahrain - I do have to race there.

388
00:17:39,660 --> 00:17:42,316
But apart from them, sort it out!

389
00:17:42,340 --> 00:17:44,860
I used to date a Pussycat Doll!

390
00:17:48,660 --> 00:17:52,836
Kier, loving your whole radical
shake-up of the Labour Party.

391
00:17:52,860 --> 00:17:54,636
Love. In'. It.

392
00:17:54,660 --> 00:17:56,636
Thanks very much, Sir Elton.

393
00:17:56,660 --> 00:17:58,636
Please, just Elton.

394
00:17:58,660 --> 00:18:00,636
Anyway, bit of advice -

395
00:18:00,660 --> 00:18:02,636
I think you could
zhoosh this up a bit.

396
00:18:02,660 --> 00:18:05,636
I don't know. I don't want to
distract from my message.

397
00:18:05,660 --> 00:18:07,636
The look IS the message.

398
00:18:07,660 --> 00:18:09,636
You're going up against Boris

399
00:18:09,660 --> 00:18:11,996
Fluffs-His-Hair-For-The-Camera
Johnson.

400
00:18:12,020 --> 00:18:14,636
'Ere, let's try something.

401
00:18:14,660 --> 00:18:16,636
You see, that's better already,
love.

402
00:18:16,660 --> 00:18:19,636
Now, pretend
I'm the House of Commons.

403
00:18:19,660 --> 00:18:20,637
All right...

404
00:18:20,661 --> 00:18:22,636
Under proposed changes
to Universal Credit...

405
00:18:22,660 --> 00:18:23,836
No!

406
00:18:23,860 --> 00:18:25,636
Stop. Stop!

407
00:18:25,660 --> 00:18:27,636
There's still something missing.

408
00:18:27,660 --> 00:18:28,660
Hang on.

409
00:18:29,660 --> 00:18:31,636
I think we've cracked it.

410
00:18:31,660 --> 00:18:33,636
You do know we're the Labour Party?

411
00:18:33,660 --> 00:18:35,636
Shut it! Now, give it some zazz.

412
00:18:35,660 --> 00:18:38,676
Year on year, GDP has fallen 12%.

413
00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:41,636
No. I'm sorry,
it's still not quite working.

414
00:18:41,660 --> 00:18:43,636
There's only one option.
But, Elton...

415
00:18:43,660 --> 00:18:45,660
SIR Elton!

416
00:18:46,660 --> 00:18:48,636
We call for another urgent review...

417
00:18:48,660 --> 00:18:50,636
Buhh! I tell you
what the problem with you is,

418
00:18:50,660 --> 00:18:52,660
I'm not on drugs.

419
00:18:59,660 --> 00:19:01,636
Seven of you?

420
00:19:01,660 --> 00:19:03,636
Gathered together?
No, no, no.

421
00:19:03,660 --> 00:19:05,676
This is dangerous and i-illegal.

422
00:19:07,860 --> 00:19:11,660
You know how to make
an o-o-outdoor gathering safe.

423
00:19:15,660 --> 00:19:17,660
Hunt grouse, stay healthy.

424
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:22,636
Happy Sunday, everybody.

425
00:19:22,660 --> 00:19:24,636
We're only a few weeks away
from the election,

426
00:19:24,660 --> 00:19:27,636
arguably the most important day
in our country's history

427
00:19:27,660 --> 00:19:30,636
since the premiere of
Jumanji 2: Welcome To The Jungle!

428
00:19:30,660 --> 00:19:32,636
Now, I've never endorsed
a presidential candidate,

429
00:19:32,660 --> 00:19:35,636
although I have endorsed
pretty much everything else,

430
00:19:35,660 --> 00:19:38,636
including The Rock's
delicious Tequila!

431
00:19:38,660 --> 00:19:41,636
Great before, during
or after your workout.

432
00:19:41,660 --> 00:19:45,636
You guys know me.
If I go, I go big.

433
00:19:45,660 --> 00:19:47,636
That's why I'm taking the bold step

434
00:19:47,660 --> 00:19:51,636
of bravely endorsing the odds-on
favourite presidential candidate -

435
00:19:51,660 --> 00:19:52,637
Joe Biden.

436
00:19:52,661 --> 00:19:55,636
Aren't you forgetting
something, you giant goose?

437
00:19:55,660 --> 00:19:57,996
It's my little pocket pal,
Kevin Hart!

438
00:19:58,020 --> 00:20:00,636
Don't forget to plug our new movie!

439
00:20:00,660 --> 00:20:02,636
That's not what this is about,
Kevin.

440
00:20:02,660 --> 00:20:05,476
This Time It's Contractual.

441
00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:06,996
Oh, and Kamala Harris.

442
00:20:07,020 --> 00:20:09,660
Can I have a Kevin snack?

443
00:20:11,660 --> 00:20:13,660
Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom!

444
00:20:16,660 --> 00:20:19,636
What a fantastic day in New Zealand.

445
00:20:19,660 --> 00:20:20,637
Meat pies, ginger crunch

446
00:20:20,661 --> 00:20:22,836
and a positive balance of trade
with China.

447
00:20:22,860 --> 00:20:25,636
I know, but sometimes I think...

448
00:20:25,660 --> 00:20:27,660
..couldn't things here
be MORE fantastic?

449
00:20:29,660 --> 00:20:31,636
Where there's a wish, there's a way!

450
00:20:31,660 --> 00:20:34,156
Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern!

451
00:20:34,180 --> 00:20:36,636
Kia ora, children.
What healthful weather we're having.

452
00:20:36,660 --> 00:20:38,836
Not a spit-spot of virus to be seen.

453
00:20:38,860 --> 00:20:42,636
Why, Jacinda Ardern,
are you boasting?

454
00:20:42,660 --> 00:20:44,636
Practically perfect people
never boast,

455
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:46,500
they just get re-elected forever.

456
00:20:47,500 --> 00:20:49,676
~  In a world of strongmen
A nice lady came along

457
00:20:49,700 --> 00:20:53,636
~  I'm kind and smart and young and
Kind and good and kind and young

458
00:20:53,660 --> 00:20:56,636
~  When I became New Zealand's boss
I knew just what to do

459
00:20:56,660 --> 00:21:00,156
~  Initiate a nanny state
And turn our grey skies blue!

460
00:21:00,180 --> 00:21:03,476
~  Super-Kiwi-socialistic-
Extra-nice Jacinda

461
00:21:03,500 --> 00:21:05,636
~  Never mean and always green
And such a lovely grin-na

462
00:21:05,660 --> 00:21:09,636
~  If a virus comes around
She'll stop it going in ya

463
00:21:09,660 --> 00:21:12,636
~  Super-Kiwi-socialistic-
Extra-nice Jacinda!

464
00:21:12,660 --> 00:21:15,636
~  Yum dumble dumble, dumble meat pie
Yum munchie munch, yum ginger crunch

465
00:21:15,660 --> 00:21:18,636
~  I banned all assault weapons
And enforced a living wage

466
00:21:18,660 --> 00:21:22,316
~  I gave birth to a child
At an advanced maternal age

467
00:21:22,340 --> 00:21:24,636
~  I put us into lockdown
Faster than the Yanks and Brits

468
00:21:24,660 --> 00:21:28,636
~  And now NZ is virus-free
We've kicked it in the tits! Oh!

469
00:21:28,660 --> 00:21:31,636
~  Super-quick Jacinda
Taking action straight away

470
00:21:31,660 --> 00:21:34,636
~  That virus had no chance against
Our badass Kiwi bae

471
00:21:34,660 --> 00:21:36,636
~  With her gentle touch
And iron fist

472
00:21:36,660 --> 00:21:37,637
~  Cleared COVID off the scene

473
00:21:37,661 --> 00:21:41,636
~  Super-Kiwi-socialistic-
Extra-nice Jacinda! ~ 

474
00:21:41,660 --> 00:21:43,636
COUGHS Young man,

475
00:21:43,660 --> 00:21:46,636
do you have the impertinence
to be ill in New Zealand?

476
00:21:46,660 --> 00:21:49,316
I was just clearing my throat.
I'm probably fine.

477
00:21:49,340 --> 00:21:51,636
Do you know how hard it is
to quarantine two small islands

478
00:21:51,660 --> 00:21:54,636
with low population
and a wealth of natural resources

479
00:21:54,660 --> 00:21:56,636
that renders us
completely self-sufficient?!

480
00:21:56,660 --> 00:21:58,636
Not... that... hard?

481
00:21:58,660 --> 00:22:01,660
That's quite enough of that. I can
see there's only one thing to do.

482
00:22:05,340 --> 00:22:08,636
I am delighted to announce
no new cases of coronavirus!

483
00:22:08,660 --> 00:22:12,660
~  Super-Kiwi-socialistic-
Extra-nice Jacinda! ~ 

484
00:22:14,660 --> 00:22:19,636
The ignorant and lazy adults that
have robbed me off my future,

485
00:22:19,660 --> 00:22:21,636
by which I mean network executives,

486
00:22:21,660 --> 00:22:23,636
have told me to bring
a lighter touch

487
00:22:23,660 --> 00:22:26,636
and also to cover
afternoon drive time.

488
00:22:26,660 --> 00:22:29,636
So, today, a mix of sun and clouds.

489
00:22:29,660 --> 00:22:32,636
Chance of sprinkles,
don't forget your brellie.

490
00:22:32,660 --> 00:22:34,636
All clear by your evening commute.

491
00:22:34,660 --> 00:22:37,636
Tomorrow
and for the rest of eternity -

492
00:22:37,660 --> 00:22:39,636
HOT!