1
00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:18,960
We did it, guys!
24 hours of workout to help kids.

2
00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:22,480
I am feeling so awesome.
I could do another 24.

3
00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:25,960
24 more hours of positive, positive,
positive energy.

4
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:28,320
Pudgely the Bear,
are you ready to keep going?

5
00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:29,960
Awesome! High steps!

6
00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:33,000
Burpees, fast feet,
positive, positive, positive!

7
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:34,960
GUNSHOT

8
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:40,960
Dom, this is bloody serious,
gravitas maximus.

9
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:43,480
You've jolly well
burnt your crumpets this time.

10
00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:45,960
Oh, really? Let me guess.

11
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:48,960
You have qualms about my proposal
to compost asylum seekers

12
00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:50,960
and spread them over
the fruit trees of Kent?

13
00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:54,640
No, that's in the next manifesto.
It's far worse.

14
00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:57,480
You let Carrie find out
our nickname for her.

15
00:00:57,480 --> 00:00:58,960
You mean Baroness Batshit

16
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:00,960
knows we've been calling her
Princess Nut Nut?

17
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:04,640
Yes, Countess Cabbage Brain
found out

18
00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:06,960
and she's made it very clear
that she wants you gone.

19
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:10,960
Oh, she's exploited
your feeble-minded weakness

20
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:11,960
and that's my job.

21
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:13,960
Sorry, Dom, I'm a man of principle

22
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:17,960
and that principle is bonking
who I want when I want.

23
00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:21,960
Yet, thanks to you,
I've been blueballed till Christmas,

24
00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:22,960
so push off!

25
00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:30,960
Fine. I was going to leave
by Christmas anyway...

26
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,960
according to the blog I just wrote.

27
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,960
I'll just take my things
and leave by the front door

28
00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:37,960
in case I've tipped off
any photographers.

29
00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:41,960
BABY GURGLES
What's that noise?

30
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:44,320
It's just my snack for the road.

31
00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:47,960
That's my baby!
Are you planning to eat it?

32
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,320
Oh, so now that's wrong
all of a sudden!

33
00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:53,960
Of course it's wrong,
you bug-headed bigglewimp!

34
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:55,960
Fine, you "liberal".

35
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:59,800
Instead I shall feast on all
the brilliant and disruptive ideas

36
00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:01,960
I stuck inside your empty head.

37
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,960
SLURPING

38
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:14,960
Oh!
HE MUTTERS

39
00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:22,960
Wherever you go,
I will be right there

40
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:24,320
breathing down your neck.

41
00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:26,960
Do you hear me, you piece of shit?

42
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:30,480
Hey, listen. Ha!

43
00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:33,960
I just want you to know that
I will also be there for you always

44
00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:37,480
on an emotional level, ha!
Big time! Wow!

45
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,960
I don't want a new partner.
I don't need a new partner.

46
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:43,960
I work alone.

47
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:47,960
Look, this guy is unorthodox,
but they say he gets results.

48
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,480
Guten morgen. I am making everyone

49
00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:53,960
what we in Germany call
"the hello cake"

50
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:55,640
for my new colleagues! Ha-ha!

51
00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:58,480
And for you,
my misunderstood friend,

52
00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:02,960
a nice big piece
once I take off these handcuffs.

53
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:04,960
Wow, look at his footwork!

54
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:06,960
What speed! Fantastic!

55
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:11,960
GUNSHOTS

56
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:14,960
Shots fired, in pursuit.
14th and Main.

57
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,960
'Kin' hell, mate,
put your foot down.

58
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:19,960
I am thinking we are setting
a great example

59
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:22,960
by keeping to the speed limit,
you know? Positive reinforcement.

60
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,960
Amazing! Ha-ha!

61
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,960
But the Albanian's getting away
with two tonnes of cocaine.

62
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,640
They kidnapped Paris Hilton.

63
00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:32,960
Ah, for sure, but maybe we just
have to accept this and move on.

64
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:35,960
Wow! Fantastic! Ha-ha!

65
00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:41,960
INCOHERENT MUTTERING

66
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,960
So, what's our final strategy
for Brexit?

67
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:44,960
Pudding.

68
00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:46,640
And COVID?

69
00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:48,160
Titties.

70
00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:50,960
This is great!
The old Boris is back!

71
00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,640
Are you sure you want to watch
the new season of The Crown

72
00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:01,960
with "she who must not be named"?

73
00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:06,640
I just hope that this year,
the actors actually look like us.

74
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:12,960
Oh, Camilla,
it's always been you.

75
00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:14,640
SHE COUGHS

76
00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:15,960
Jolly close.

77
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:18,640
Yes, indeed.

78
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:29,960
Not bad, and I should know.
Once, when I was stuck in a balloon,

79
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:31,960
I ate nothing but toes
for three days.

80
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:33,960
Hello!
Oprah?!

81
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,960
You're on Mars too?

82
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:37,960
Don't tell me you boys
are eating each other?

83
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:40,960
Just some chums gassing around.

84
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:44,960
Well, maybe you'd like some
fresh vegetables to go with dinner.

85
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:47,160
What is this? A poo-cumber?

86
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:49,960
No, silly, they're fresh
from my garden.

87
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,960
BIRDS TWEET

88
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:53,960
How the hell did you get to Mars?

89
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,800
My driver brought me.
I've got summer homes everywhere.

90
00:04:56,800 --> 00:05:00,160
Anyway, eat up, it's only a third
of the Earth's gravity here

91
00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:01,960
so calories don't count.

92
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:05,960
Do you know what this means?
We can go home!

93
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:09,960
Lord Oprah!
Can you please make me whole first?

94
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:12,960
I can't put your arm back,
but I can do better

95
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:15,160
with festive harvest corn.

96
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,960
Craft day!

97
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:27,160
For the first time in decades,

98
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,960
Scotland has qualified for
a major football tournament.

99
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:31,960
It's fan-dabby-dozey.

100
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,480
Aye, First Minister.

101
00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:35,960
How do we handle the game
against England?

102
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:37,160
Well, one thing's for sure,

103
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:39,960
I won't be like Boris
and use it as an excuse

104
00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:41,960
for flag-waving nationalism.

105
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:43,960
Only 2-0 down at half-time.

106
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:45,960
I declare a referendum!

107
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,960
I knew devolution was a bad idea.

108
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:49,960
Glasgow kiss!

109
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:55,960
Ed Sheeran, Billie Eilish, Grimes.

110
00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:58,160
Three of the world's
wildest pop stars

111
00:05:58,160 --> 00:06:00,800
travelling together on one tour bus.

112
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:03,160
Our cameras were there
to capture the carnage

113
00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:05,960
on Access All Areas.

114
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:09,960
Day one and the tension
is already rising.

115
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:12,320
You drank my almond milk.

116
00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:13,960
I didn't know it was yours.

117
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:17,960
Mine has a tarantula on it.
Sorry.

118
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:20,000
Why don't we just buy
two almond milks?

119
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,960
That's a good idea.

120
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,960
Day three and it's mayhem.

121
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,960
Ed, is it true you threw a TV
out of the window?

122
00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:31,960
Actually, it wasn't a TV,
it was a TV guide

123
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:34,960
and I didn't throw it,
I put it in the recycling bin.

124
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:37,960
You've got a recycling bin
on a tour bus?

125
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,960
We've got four. Blue for paper,
green for plastics...

126
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:42,960
OK, fine, cut.

127
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:47,960
Day four and things
are about to get spicy.

128
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:48,960
Oi-oi!

129
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,960
Oh, here we go.

130
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:54,960
Whoa, is Ed with a groupie?

131
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:56,960
No, that's his accounting tutor.

132
00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:58,960
He's taking his exams
at the end of May.

133
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:00,960
Accounting?

134
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,960
It's good to have something
to fall back on.

135
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,640
I got the idea from Lady Gaga.

136
00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:06,960
She's training to be
a dental hygienist.

137
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:07,960
Fuck's sake!

138
00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:14,960
And what would a tour bus be without
a little chemical assistance?

139
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:16,960
What is it? Ecstasy? Ket?

140
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,960
Vitamin D.
Really good for the immune system.

141
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:23,160
So pure.
Whole Foods do really good shit.

142
00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:26,000
I'm so focused, I might do a sudoku.

143
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:29,960
Are any of you ever gonna do
anything fucking interesting?

144
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:31,320
Modern pop stars -

145
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:34,160
focused, middle class and tedious.

146
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:36,960
I passed my accountant exam.
Oh, that's awesome.

147
00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:39,480
Way to go. Congrats.

148
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:46,960
Mr Hancock,
you're the first minister

149
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,960
to appear on Good Morning Britain
in over 200 days.

150
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,960
Well, thank you for the chance to...

151
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:54,960
There's one question
the nation needs answering,

152
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:57,960
just how important am I?

153
00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:00,960
I'm sorry?
It's a simple question.

154
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:04,480
If one is bloody important
and ten is more important than God,

155
00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:05,960
how important am I?

156
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:07,960
I don't have those numbers.

157
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:09,960
Is it nine? Is it higher than nine?

158
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:11,960
9.5?

159
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:15,000
A bit more important than oxygen?
Are you serious?

160
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:17,000
No-one's ever called me that.

161
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:18,960
OK, let me ask you something else.

162
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:21,960
Just how big do you think
my willy is?

163
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,960
The Zoom link is breaking up.

164
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,960
You're not on Zoom! How big?

165
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:27,000
I'm gonna restart the connection!

166
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:28,960
Mum!

167
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:31,960
Next, I'll be interviewing
a true legend of broadcasting,

168
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,960
me!

169
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,960
I bloody love you!
Snowflake!

170
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,960
I'm David Attenborough.
HE CHUCKLES

171
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:43,960
Lately, I've had a few
social media fails

172
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:46,960
and I'm afraid I've used some
rather uncouth language

173
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:47,960
for which I apologise.

174
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:51,960
From now on, I promise to laugh
at these little failures

175
00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:53,960
like a grown man should.

176
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:56,800
No-one can see you unless
you flip the camera!

177
00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:58,960
Oh! Silly me.

178
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:00,960
I've cocked it up again.

179
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:04,960
There, look, you can finally see me

180
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:07,960
as I smash this stupid
fucking piece of...

181
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:09,960
GLASS SHATTERS

182
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,640
Ah! Cristiano!

183
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:14,960
I thought I saw you rampaging

184
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:16,960
through my caviar
and cheesy Wotsits.

185
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,960
Yes, I love the fruits of the sea,

186
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:24,480
caviar, sushi, lobster, and OK,
the occasional whale.

187
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,960
Oh! Expensive tastes.

188
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:29,960
Better watch yourself or you'll
end up a fat, broke footballer

189
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,960
running a pub in Ipswich!

190
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,960
THEY LAUGH

191
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:37,960
I needed three kegs
of Stella yesterday!

192
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:40,960
No, Carling is not the same!
It's mouse piss!

193
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:43,640
Cris, the cat's been
at the fish pies again.

194
00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:46,960
I told you before,
it's your cat, you pay for mess.

195
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:48,960
Right, I quit.

196
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:50,960
No, no, I'm sorry.

197
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:52,960
Don't. There's no other barmaid
for 30 miles!

198
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:56,960
No, there isn't. Which is why
I'm going out for a smoke.

199
00:09:56,960 --> 00:10:00,960
CURSES IN PORTUGUESE

200
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:01,960
CROWD CHEERS

201
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:03,960
Messi does it again.

202
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:06,960
Still playing at almost 50!

203
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:09,000
He wouldn't know a bacon Frazzle
from a Mini Cheddar!

204
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,960
But enough about your dick!

205
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:13,960
THEY LAUGH

206
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:15,960
Oh, what a nightmare.

207
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:17,960
No more Elton John caviar for me.

208
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,960
Cris, get me the bleach!

209
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,960
No-o-o-o-o-o!

210
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:24,960
Scott Morrison and Jacinda Ardern,

211
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:27,480
I am delighted you have joined
China's trade bloc.

212
00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,960
Here's to a prosperous future
with no questions asked.

213
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:34,960
We're just happy to sell clean,
healthy Australian coal.

214
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:37,800
Practically perfect people
don't judge.

215
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,960
We just sing. Cue chimneys.

216
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,960
# Jinping and me
Jinping and me

217
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:44,960
# We'll do the deal

218
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:48,960
# Who cares how the people
in Hong Kong might feel

219
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,640
# Jinping and me
Jinping and me

220
00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:51,960
# What won't he buy?

221
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:55,960
# So sorry to the Uyghurs
We turned a blind eye. #

222
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,960
Ow, Jacinda!

223
00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:00,960
Don't complain,
we need their laptops.

224
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:07,960
Admit the next candidate
for membership.

225
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,960
Good boy. Show me your hidey-hole.

226
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,320
Oh, crocodile fuck!

227
00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:16,960
Oh, it's everything I imagined,
cloaks, a glowing skull,

228
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:19,960
a modest buffet in a coffin!

229
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:20,960
Not for you.

230
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,320
Oh, please let me be a member.

231
00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:25,960
Look, I even made my own
pyramid hat.

232
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:28,960
And one for my dog as well.
Isn't that fun?

233
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:30,960
Your dog's already
in the Illuminati.

234
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:32,960
Who do you think made you
Prime Minister?

235
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,960
I've been running Britain
for centuries.

236
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:37,960
Well, dog centuries.

237
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:40,960
I reject this candidate on the basis
that I'm the fat Englishman here.

238
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:44,960
Then onto new business.
Sex rituals! Haw-haw!

239
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:46,960
Look, our dues are down,
we're way behind on pyramid rent,

240
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:49,640
we have got to take somebody.

241
00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:52,960
So, you're in, Boris.
Just don't tell anybody.

242
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:56,960
I would never reveal
this organisation's existence.

243
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,320
We mean just don't tell anybody
you're in it.

244
00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:01,960
DOOR CREAKS
Is this a bad time?

245
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:04,960
We have got to put a lock
on that door.

246
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:11,000
Worried you won't be seeing any more
of me and my great family?

247
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,000
Don't be!

248
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:17,480
I'm launching the Trump TV network
with great, great shows like this.

249
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:20,960
Late night talk show hosted by that
dynamo of energy and excitement,

250
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,960
Jared Kushner!

251
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,960
MUSIC AND APPLAUSE

252
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:30,960
Tonight's guest, Brad Pitt.

253
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:34,960
Hey, Jared.
So...

254
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:36,960
Er...

255
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:38,960
Um...

256
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,320
What am I supposed to do here?

257
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:42,960
Hello.

258
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:45,640
Yoo-hoo!

259
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:47,960
Jared, you draw emotional honesty
out of me.

260
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:50,960
It's like therapy.
HE SOBS

261
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,960
HE BLOWS HIS NOSE

262
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:54,960
So, watch Trump TV!

263
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:58,960
The first ten subscribers get
a gold toilet with my face on it.

264
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:05,960
Catholicism. Heard of her?

265
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:09,960
Pomp, pageantry, attitude,

266
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:12,480
and men wearing fabulous dresses!

267
00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:15,320
We call them papal vestments.

268
00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:18,960
Franny here is thinking it's time
to retire and pass on his tiara.

269
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,960
But how's he going to choose
a new Pope?

270
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:25,960
I want to engage younger people,
make them feel part of the fun.

271
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:27,960
That's why he called me.

272
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:29,960
If you want to choose
the next Vatican king,

273
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:32,960
honey, you need a queen!

274
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:36,960
# RuPaul's Pope Race
Start your engines

275
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:40,960
# RuPaul's Pope Race
May the best Catholic win! #

276
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:43,960
First up, Angelo Scola,

277
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:46,480
working a classic cardinal look.

278
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,960
I am giving you scarlet red,
scarlet fever,

279
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,960
Scarlett Johansson.

280
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:54,960
I am serving a statement necklace.

281
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:58,960
That statement is,
I feel papal as hell!

282
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:02,960
This queen's looking to
excommunicate the competition.

283
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,960
He's from Milano, right?
I love their cookies.

284
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:07,960
Scola is a great scholar

285
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,960
and a keen promoter
of inter-religious dialogue.

286
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:14,480
Next up, Brazilian cardinal,
Odilo Scherer.

287
00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:16,960
CHEERING

288
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:18,640
Scherer? I don't even know her.

289
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:21,000
I am dusting the wrong way
in this black duster.

290
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:24,960
Christian Dior said black
is essential to any wardrobe.

291
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:26,480
I'm pretty sure he was Christian.

292
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:29,960
It's like Reese Witherspoon,
classic, clean and no surprises.

293
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:31,960
The Church has always been good
at cover-ups.

294
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,960
CHEERING

295
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:37,480
He just turned water into frose.

296
00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:40,960
I thought this would be more
of a liturgical competition.

297
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:44,960
Next up, His Eminence,
Timothy Dolan

298
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:49,480
giving us body-ody-ody
in old school Vatican opulence.

299
00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:52,960
I am serving fish during Lent
with this look.

300
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,960
You know life begins
at conception...

301
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:56,960
of this outfit, bi-atch!

302
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,960
Look at that egg on his head.

303
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:00,960
Someone's getting laid.

304
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:05,960
It's a small cock, but I like
what he's doing with it.

305
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:08,960
Ow.
Ooh, mea so culpa.

306
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:10,960
I don't know what made that happen.

307
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:13,960
Oh, Lord, humiliate my competition

308
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,800
until I sit on that sweet
Pope throne.

309
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:19,320
Hey, you can't pray in here,
that's cheating.

310
00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:22,160
Babes, have you cheated on me?

311
00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:23,960
Are you shagging someone else?

312
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:24,960
No!

313
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:27,960
Well, get on with it,
I need to write a new album! Ha!

314
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:33,960
Friends, I've called you here today

315
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,960
because of a problem that affects

316
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:38,960
all of us
simple Wyoming ranch owners,

317
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:40,960
Gwyneth, Brad, Oprah,

318
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:42,960
Billie, Elton and David,

319
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:45,960
we came here because
we believe in freedom.

320
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:47,960
THEY AGREE
Testify!

321
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:51,960
On my ranch, I can do an honest
day's work for an honest day's wage.

322
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:54,960
What is that? Like, $2 million?

323
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:58,640
And I don't have to impress people
with my wild costumes,

324
00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:01,960
just down-to-earth Western wear.
Ha-ha!

325
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,960
The great, steaming cracks
in the Wyoming landscape

326
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:06,960
are nature's vagina.

327
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:09,960
Does she ever say a sentence that
doesn't have the word vagina in it?

328
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:12,960
Here, no one cares
if you strip-mine crystals

329
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:14,800
for your healing yoni eggs.

330
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:16,960
Yoni's just another word for vagina!

331
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:18,960
She done did it again!

332
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:22,960
As for me, I want to build
a giant meditation crater

333
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:26,960
that will broadcast my inner
thoughts to the outer planets.

334
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:28,960
But some Washington man
says I can't.

335
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,960
Unless I sign a damn form.

336
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:32,640
THEY BOO

337
00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:34,160
Fuck regulatory overreach!

338
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,960
Out here, a man has a right

339
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:41,960
to his crater full of Tibetan
singing bowls and scent misters.

340
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,960
That's the smell of freedom.

341
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:45,320
Will you join my fight?

342
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:49,960
Yes! We celebrities stand with you
and your mind-expanding smell hole!

343
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:51,960
THEY CHEER

344
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,960
And I, David Furnish, stand nearby.

345
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:55,320
Grab your weapons!

346
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:58,640
Smash day!

347
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:00,960
Yeezy!

348
00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:07,960
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

349
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,800
Ladies, the judges have weighed in.

350
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:14,800
Angelo, I'm sorry, dear,
sashay away.

351
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:20,960
Now, before I make
my final decision,

352
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:26,960
it's time for you
to lip-sync for your eternal life!

353
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:29,960
GREGORIAN CHANT PLAYS

354
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,960
There must be some way out
of this contest.

355
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:41,960
Too late, Pope Francis,
I've made my decision.

356
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:45,960
And the winner of
RuPaul's Pope Race is...

357
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:49,960
..me!

358
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:51,960
Because who else could it be?

359
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:54,320
Please tell me you at least
own a Bible.

360
00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:56,960
Don't worry, Franny,
I can't take the job.

361
00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:59,960
I'm still doing Drag Race.
And, quite frankly,

362
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:01,960
I think it's gonna be around
a lot longer than Catholicism.

363
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:04,960
So, bye-ee!

364
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,960
Well, I learned something.

365
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:11,960
In nomine patris et spiritus
sancti... girlfriend!

366
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:15,960
This is my seventh World
Championship win here in Turkey.

367
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:17,960
I dedicate it to the kids who say,

368
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:21,800
"I want to grow up
just like Lewis Hamilton

369
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:24,960
"and work for justice
by getting paid huge sums

370
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:27,960
"to race in a country
with a dodgy human rights record."

371
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:30,000
And to all the haters, hear this,

372
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:33,960
as long as there is inequality,
I will speak out.

373
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,960
Generally from my tax-sheltered
yacht in Monaco.

374
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:38,960
CHEERING

375
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:41,160
I get free champagne!

376
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,960
'Once, there were three bears
living in the forest.'

377
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:53,800
Hey, someone broke our furniture.

378
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:54,960
And ate our porridge.

379
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:57,640
There she is.

380
00:18:57,640 --> 00:19:00,960
Hey, private property is just a tool
of the patriarchy.

381
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:01,960
I'm squatting here.

382
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:03,960
Call the police, Papa.

383
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:07,960
They're here to protect everyone,
including brown bears.

384
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:11,960
Good luck. We de-funded the police.
They'll just send a social worker.

385
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:13,800
Not in this forest.

386
00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:15,960
Get moving, you slob.

387
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:17,960
Support the police
in your neighbourhood.

388
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:20,160
Help them help us.

389
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,960
'Paid for by the Police Union.'

390
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:28,960
Today is the day I square off
against that Federal EPA man.

391
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,000
High noon, he said.

392
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:32,960
What time is it?

393
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:36,000
According to this watch you gave us,
it's two sneakers past ye.

394
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,960
Kanye West.

395
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,960
Are you ready to sign this here
regulatory document?

396
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:46,960
Hold on, this is real, Kanye.

397
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,960
You're actually going up against
the Federal Government.

398
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:53,960
We thought this was one of your
performance art pieces. Vagina.

399
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:57,480
There she goes again, dagnabbit!

400
00:19:57,480 --> 00:19:59,960
Wait, where's my posse?

401
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:01,960
And why do I hear Oprah's jet?

402
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:04,640
Your friends are gone, Kanye.

403
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:05,960
It's just you and me.

404
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,960
You're gonna have to beat me
Old West style.

405
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:13,320
Or should I say,
Old Kanye West style?

406
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:15,960
CHIMING

407
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:21,960
BEAT PLAYS, SCRATCHING

408
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,960
Oh, God, not a rap battle.

409
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:28,640
# Meditation crater 14 miles wide

410
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:31,800
# Meditate on this
Or I'll tan your hide

411
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:34,960
# No Federal Agent
Should have all that power

412
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:37,960
# To stop a hole
That smells like a flower

413
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:40,960
# Section 1B paragraph 3

414
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:43,960
# Don't harm any animals
Above the knee

415
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,960
# Do me a favour
Sign the waiver

416
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:50,640
# You can even e-sign
It's a paper saver

417
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,320
# Can't stop me with rules
What are they worth?

418
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:56,960
# I'm blasting my crater
Into Mother Earth. #

419
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:58,960
Singing bowls!

420
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:00,960
CHIMING

421
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:02,960
RUMBLING

422
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:05,960
Who's that? Who that?

423
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:09,960
It's me, Mother Earth!

424
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:11,960
# Quit your shit
I'm that bitch Gaia

425
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:15,960
# I got the rhymes
You know they be straight fire

426
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:18,160
# Billionaires
And governmental regulations

427
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:21,960
# Are no match for
My seismic vibrations

428
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,960
# You both tryna own me
You tryna control me

429
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:27,960
# Sign your stupid form
And blast a hole in me

430
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:30,960
# But I gave you this land
And I can take it back

431
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:33,960
# I'll suck you into my crevice
My crack!

432
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:35,960
COW MOOS

433
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:41,960
# So you see I got the power
You been schooled by Gaia

434
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:44,960
# And if you wanna date me
You can find me on Raya! #

435
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,960
RUMBLING

436
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:49,960
Was that real life?

437
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,960
Or just a hallucination
from the CBD oil in the misters?

438
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:54,640
There's a difference?

439
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:56,960
What matters is
I have been humbled.

440
00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:59,480
There are greater powers
in the universe than me.

441
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:02,960
I will sign your form.
Great.

442
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:07,960
So it was all solved by a message
from Mother Earth vagina.

443
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:09,960
Dang it, she got me saying it!

444
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:14,960
Hive control,
commence departure sequence.

445
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:20,480
'The train now leaving from platform
5 is the 14:57 service to Durham.'

446
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:35,640
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