And the squeak, squeak, squeak of Dan's flossing
with his pinky in the air... Ugh.
...makes me want him to hit an artery
and just float away on a pool of his own blood... Mm-hmm.
...the floss dangling from his teeth.
Mm. When Diana would drink water,
which was the only thing that she actually liked in life...
[ Chuckles ] Oh. ...she would drink and then she would smack her lips --
[ Smacks lips ] No.
And then go, "Oh, wow, that's refreshing,"
as if it's news that water's refreshing.
I wanted to rip her lips off her face.
Yes.
I mean, I do miss it, but...
I'll tell you what -- what really makes me quite violent
is when Henry plays the guitar,
he makes -- I don't even know what.
It's like the most earnest face.
It's like -- It's like...mmm.
I don't even know what it is. Oh, don't do that. Don't do that.
But what I want to do is I want to punch him in that face
and then I want to punch him again
and then I want to just flick him
as, like, the final insult.
Hey, guys. Hey, boo.
I am gonna go make some of my famous gazpacho.
Ooh.
Yeah.
I don't know how you stay married to him. I wanna rip my ears off my head.
Why?
Oh.
Well, not everyone likes a cold soup.
I get it. It's not for everyone.
♪♪
♪ Hey! ♪
♪♪
[ Mumbling ]
[ Groans ]
Ben: Of course, I know Sasha's upset with me,
but it's the right decision.
It's really a bummer that I ruined my shot with Sasha,
but I do believe deep down that Priscilla and I could...
♪♪
[ Farts ]
[ Mumbles ]
[ Gags ]
[ Rapid footsteps approaching ]
Mom, Evan's trying to cut my hair!
'Cause it looks like crap!
It does not look like crap.
But seriously, Nora, run a brush through it.
You guys, you have to go make the bus.
I can't take you to school today.
I'm late for an appointment.
Mom, can I have cash?
Backpacks on. Now, go! What for?
Drugs. Crack, specifically.
I really hope that's not true, Andrea.
Is $5 enough? Thank you.
Mm!
Wait, no, that's mine!
[ Sighs ]
Come on, guys. We gotta get the bus.
♪♪
Jodie. Whoa!
Dan, what are you doing home?
I tried to go to work, but I don't feel well.
I think I'm gonna throw up.
Oh. Is there a trash can you prefer I use?
Is -- Is the toilet not an option?
No, I mean to put beside the bed.
Or I could just lie with my head
pressed against the cold floor.
You know what? I think it's dealer's choice.
Just please don't use a wicker trash can from the kids' room.
I'm so sorry. I've got to go.
Jodie!
Do you think you could stay? I'm dizzy.
And what if I pass out and hit my head?
I wouldn't want you or the kids to find me like that.
♪♪
I don't want you to die like that, either.
♪♪
It's coming. Yeah.
Oh, w-would you get my computer, please?
Mm.
♪♪
[ Ringing ]
[ Cellphone ringing ]
Hey, you. Jodie: Hey, you.
Hi. Uh-oh.
I know that "hi." What's wrong?
I'm so sorry to do this last minute,
but I'm not gonna be able to make it to our session today.
My kid is sick.
Take it off my series, though.
No, no, no. Don't even worry about it, no.
I know you got a lot on your plate.
Half greens, quarter protein, and a quarter carbs --
complex, not simple. Not simple.
[ Chuckles ]
Dan: I'm gonna blow again!
Need another trash can!
I'll be there in just a minute!
[ Whispering ] But I'm running in place.
I'll lose the last pound from home.
How about those jumping jack twists
that I'm trademarking for my program?
They will blast the calories.
Here we go. And jack and twist!
Jack! Twist! Jack! Twist!
Too late!
Ugh. I'll call you back.
High knees!
Keep those knees high, and I'm gonna send you
a home workout video that I recorded.
Little glitch -- it plays upside down,
but otherwise, it's cool.
♪♪
Oh, uh...
No, I-I'm Luke's mother. I'm not trespassing.
No, I know, Mrs. Lakier.
Security recognizes you now.
Quick thing. Man...
Hey.
Uh, today at recess, the kids were playing
in their cars on the playground, and Macy cut Luke off,
drove in front of him, bumped into him,
and he called her a "bleeping bleep bleep."
Well, I mean, is she a bleeping bleep bleep?
Let's just say she's not a good driver
and too old to pronounce the word animal "aminal,"
but regardless,
we try and encourage our students to be kind
and fill each others' buckets with positivity.
Shoot. Did Luke need a bucket for school?
No, it's a metaphorical bucket.
Okay, well, that's way cheaper.
Yeah. So when this sort of thing happens,
we usually find that it's because
the child is parroting something they hear at home.
Okay, so you mean like a babysitter?
Oh, no, no, no, no. We love Gloria here.
Please say hi.
This is a more recent change.
Puberty. Nope, that's a ways off.
Well, I developed very early, okay?
I mean, it was great at first.
It was kind of fun and exciting,
and then changing in gym class got a little...you know.
I'm sure it was.
So, uh, not to assign blame... Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
...but it's probably a parent Luke's parroting.
Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
[Bleep]
[Bleep] [Bleep]
[ Tires squealing, car horns honking ]
[Bleep] [Bleep]
Okay, I'm gonna go,
'cause these kids aren't gonna wipe themselves.
Okay, hey, I will -- I'll talk to Luke's dad
about being a better role model.
He's a real loose cannon, okay?
Wait, why did I come here?
Oh, God. Luke.
[ Laughs ] You get it.
♪♪
[ Door closes ]
Hey, Bri.
I got you some groceries at Fields.
Hi. Hey.
These are all about to expire,
so if I were you, I'd get on it. Oh, wow.
Thank you. You are spoiling us.
Where's Lila?
Napping, I hope.
That cheap baby monitor I got
only picks up the neighbor's Ring cam.
I think the wife's having an affair.
The pest guy stays there way too long.
What a mess.
You know, I've been meaning to clean out
this closet for awhile.
God, Coleen was such a slob.
Oh, my God.
This is the scarf! What scarf?
Uh, the scarf.
I don't know what you're talking about.
The one! The one with the chickens on it!
She said that you tried to tie her up with this.
Okay, it's roosters, and, no, I did not.
Unless she said it was great.
[ Laughs ]
I don't think that "great" was the word.
I think it was...
"awkward, embarrassing," oh, and "sad."
But it was a good story.
That she wasn't supposed to tell anyone.
She didn't. Just me, Jodie, and Amy.
Oh. For the record, I did a great job.
The problem was her wrists.
For such a thin woman, she had very thick wrists.
It's why she always wore men's watches.
You know, Brian, not everybody's great at bondage.
Okay, Coleen was a very unreliable narrator.
I will show you exactly how good I did.
Oh. Come on. Get in there.
Be my guest.
The first thing I can tell you you did wrong
without seeing anything
is that you used a scarf with chickens on it.
Again, roosters,
and it was the only scarf that she'd let us ruin.
It was a gift from my mom,
which probably added a creepy layer to things.
Mm-hmm. Might be why it didn't work out.
And done.
See, I don't think it was her fat wrists,
may they rest in peace.
I think it was you.
Why don't you have a seat... Okay.
...and I will show you how it's actually done.
You remember my ex, Diana.
Mm-hmm. She was a freak.
Couldn't tie her legs together. You know what I mean?
So, uh -- Oh.
What else did Coleen tell you about me?
Um, that you cry at rom-coms,
uh, you love the Dave Matthews Band,
and that you sit when you pee.
Every man does when no one's around.
You have a blankie named Bolly.
You barricade the doors at night in case of an intruder.
Because zombies.
Yeah.
Amy: Alright, heads up, Luke.
Glass incoming.
Watch where you're going, you...nice man.
You very nice man.
Mommy, you're not gonna take that, are you?
I am. I am gonna bend over and I am gonna take it,
because that's what we do when people upset us.
Mother...
of two is what I am.
Okay.
This is so hard.
There you go. Lunge. Lunge.
That's right. 90-degree angle!
You guys are doing great. Sweet, okay.
For this next one, you can use any household item
if you don't have any weights at home.
I like to use a large bottle of shampoo.
We're just gonna do some tricep extensions.
Oh, you're walking.
And there's color in your face.
Yeah, I think the last of it is out.
The tea you made really helped.
Aww. Thank you.
I think it was food poisoning.
I might have eaten some bad Shrimp Louie yesterday.
Not Petruzzo's.
Petruzzo's. Oh, my God!
That is so gross! Dan!
They gave me back my coat and there was a mouse
eating a tissue in the pocket!
I have never seen you scream like that.
Your face was just an open mouth.
[ Laughs ]
Yeah, just like that. No!
[ Both laugh ]
I promise, next anniversary,
I will choose a restaurant
where the rodents stay safely on the floor.
[ Both laugh ]
[ Snorts ]
Oh, the laughter, it's j-jostling the, uh...
[ Gurgling ] ...warm shrimp.
[ Laughing ] Good luck up there.
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
[ Cellphone chimes ]
[ Chuckles ]
♪♪
She originally started dating you
because of the free frozen yogurt.
But then she fell madly in love with me?
Deeply, deeply, madly.
You were all she talked about.
And I'm done.
Mm. Try to get out of that one.
Yeah, okay.
Oh.
Wow.
You're really good at this.
You should get into kidnapping.
So, tell me something she said about me.
I mean, she was just really proud of you.
You had such an important job, saving people.
Touching all those gross body parts, all those fluids.
That's it?
Well, she thought you looked great in scrubs.
[ Chuckles ]
She thought you were a superhero, you know?
Sarah Man. [ Laughs ]
She was really proud of you being a doctor.
Okay, well, I'm gonna go bag groceries now.
Are you mad? I'm picking up a tone.
You just told me Coleen was proud of me because I was a doctor,
and now I'm not a doctor anymore,
so my feelings are hurt.
Oh.
I'm -- I'm sorry.
Was there anything else she was proud of?
I'm -- I'm sure there were a lot of things, I just...
can't think of them right now with you look at me like that.
See you later, Bri.
Oh, hey. I think you forgot something.
Sarah!
Sarah.
Sarah?
[ Door opens, closes ] Okay.
Hey, how was your day?
Oh, it was, um -- My -- My day was wonderful.
Everyone was very nice and -- Oh, good.
Glad you have your guitar out.
Yeah, just grippin' and riffin'.
Doing that thang.
So hey, hey, hey.
So, Mr. Higgins tells me today
that our kids repeat everything that we say,
and Luke has just been dropping bleep-bombs
all around the playground.
Yeah. Wonder where he got that from.
Yeah, well, I told him I'd have a chat with you.
Right, you traced the problem back to me.
Thank you. Okay, let's stop
pointing fingers at each other, okay?
Higgins is the real problem here.
He's a real piece of... sheet cake.
So sheet cake, Luke, is a wonderful, um, dessert
enjoyed by educators in all countries.
♪ You're my sheet cake, baby ♪
♪ You got so many layers ♪
♪ You're my sheet cake, baby ♪
♪ You got so many layers ♪
Alright, I gotta write my feelings down.
Luke, I'm borrowing your notebook.
We could go up on it. You could.
♪ You're my sheet cake, baby, you got so many layers ♪ "Mr. Higgins is a real --"
And he's that, and he's that, and he's -- ♪ You're my sheet cake, baby, you ain't got any haters ♪
Yeah, that writes itself.
♪ Sheet cake, baby, you got so many layers ♪
♪ You're my sheet cake, baby, you ain't got any haters ♪
Oh, God. ♪ You're my sheet cake ♪
♪ Sheet cake ♪
So, you know, it's great. It's so good.
Um, you know what I was thinking?
Your playing is so delightful that maybe we save it up
as a surprise and do a recital --
you do a recital at the end of the month.
I mean, that's -- Yeah, that's so nice.
Yeah. Yeah. I might not be ar--
I think, I'm looking through my calendar right now,
and I don't think I'm around at the end of the month.
I'm probably -- ♪ My baby's not around at the end of the month ♪
♪ My baby's not around ♪
[ Cash registers beeping ]
Thank you for shopping at Fields.
You have a great day.
Hey, I've been trying to call you.
You're not picking up.
Well, because we're in a fight, Brian.
Why are we in a fight?
I'm mad at you because I'm mad at myself
for quitting the thing that Coleen was most proud of.
And it's just easier to be mad at you.
I get it. Coleen used to get mad at me
when she was mad at herself, too.
Yeah, I know that.
I remembered something she was proud of you for.
It's too late. Just -- What?
She was really proud when you ran that six-minute mile
for a high-school fitness test.
I mean, she said it was the fastest time that anyone did.
I didn't do that.
I cheated.
I've never cheated on anything in my life.
I paid a girl to shave a minute off my time.
I was trying to impress our gym teacher.
Darn her beautiful breasts!
Now I'm mad at myself again, okay?
So just go.
You know, I forgot, I was gonna get some milk,
but I'll just pick some up at the gas station.
[ Sighs ]
♪♪
Guys, can you meet me at the high-school track in an hour?
I want to run the mile in under six minutes,
but I don't want to do it alone,
since the girl who's been missing for five years
was last seen there.
♪♪
[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ Relaxing music plays ]
♪♪
Oh, dear Lord. Oh, Mr. Higgins.
You're early. Should we come back?
This feels like a "come back" moment.
No, no, no, no. Please, come in. Have a seat.
We really need to talk about Luke.
[ Clears throat ] Um, with our -- with our tops off or...?
Don't make me send you to the principal's office.
Why? She doing hot yoga?
[ Laughs ]
I'm just gonna get to the point.
Uh, Luke brought in a poem to read for show and tell.
Aww. How about Luke. Hey. That's great.
"Higgins is a bleeping prude..." Oh.
"...whose bleep is clenched so tight,
he can make bleeping diamonds."
Non-rhyming poem.
Luke stole my notebook.
That is the bigger issue here.
So you also have problems with your W's.
I do. I-I-I really struggle with that.
Look, Mr. Higgins, I'm sure you can see the -- the humor in all of this.
Mm-hmm. I hope you can, too. There is more.
No. "Henry is playing the guitar
and making that bleeping face,
and I want to rip it off and shove it up his bleep."
Okay, you know what?
I think we can say "ass," alright?
It's an animal, and it was heavily featured
in the Christmas story, if I recall.
She didn't write "ass." I gathered that.
♪♪
Wow, you really don't like my guitar face.
Oh, please do not be so sensitive.
Your texting face isn't so great, either.
Henry, that is hurtful. I'm a lady.
Yeah, well. You talk like a sailor.
You got to filter yourself.
Oh, w-- I have to filter myself?
Are you kidding me? You don't filter yourself.
Yeah, I do. I filter myself all the time.
Morning, noon, especially right now.
Okay, well, some of us aren't fake.
This is who I am.
Why should I change for the kids?
I was here first. Very mature.
You're very mature.
Look, no one's saying you can't be you,
just button it up around the kids.
[ Groans ]
I'm gonna go. I have a guitar recital
to practice for. Oh, lucky us.
I love you. I love you, too.
I have faith in you. No, don't have faith.
Nobody needs faith.
[ Sighs ]
♪♪
[ Athletes shouting ]
I'm binging. Don't judge me.
Did you know you can't curse in front of your kids?
Well, yes.
I mean, have you never read one --
I'm sorry. I was gonna say "parenting book."
I mean, if I knew that I had to be
a good influence for these things,
I don't -- I wouldn't have signed up for this.
If I had known that Dan was gonna get food poisoning
and remind me of the nice Dan I married,
I might not have kissed Matt.
You kissed Matt? Mm-hmm.
[ Gasps ] Are you guys gonna do it?
I was maybe going to if I lost eight pounds,
which I am dangerously close to.
Oh, you're training for an affair. Got it.
Shush! Shh!
Oh, a little. I guess people can change.
I never would have pegged you for somebody
who would put themselves first.
Well, I never pegged you as someone
who would put her kids first.
You're doin' it, girl! Great hustle!
Look at you!
Yeah, you know what? I think my kids would be
better off without me.
I can't control myself.
Oh, my God.
You think my kids would be better off without me?
I never said that.
Yeah, but you never said the wouldn't.
Well, you used to not care what I thought.
Well, I still don't care what you think,
but I mean, you could blow a little smoke up my ass.
Oh, shoot, am I a bad person if I have an affair?
Am I gonna have to say "shoot" now
when I slam my finger in a drawer?
You've got this!
Really good hustle!
You know what? I'm gonna get my act together
and I'm gonna be a good role model for my kids,
because you think I can't.
You're gonna be a mother just to spite me?
Well, I need incentive.
Okay.
I'm gonna cheat on Dan just 'cause you don't think I would.
To spite me? Yeah.
No.
Because it was the greatest kiss ever,
and he's really stinkin' hot.
Stinkin'?
No, I can't say "stinkin'."
I can't. I can't do that.
Oh, God. I need an outlet for this anger.
Wha-- What was my time?!
Um, uh, what -- what were you trying to beat?
Six minutes!
Oh! Oh, well!
Well, it's 5:51! Yeah!
Yes!
Coleen, I did it!
I'm not a doctor anymore, but I did the other thing!
[ Panting ]
Well, let's go congratulate this nutbag.
Don't say "nutbag." It's not PC. What?
Don't ever say it around your kids.
[ Groans ]
♪ Drivin' down the highway ♪
♪ Drivin' so fast ♪
♪ The radio's on in my Pontiac ♪
I don't see a face.
I don't know what she's talking about.
Yeah?
I just see a sexy guy doing sexy stuff.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Mind if I get in this a little bit?
Let me hit it.
♪ Driving down the highway ♪
♪ Driving so fast ♪
♪ Radio's on in my Pontiac ♪
Whoo! All I see is a rock god.
Thanks. Run this baby back?
Let's back this up. Let's double team this dream.
Mm.
♪ Driving down the highway ♪
♪ Driving so fast ♪
♪ Radio's on in my Pontiac ♪
[ Lila crying ]
Oh, man.
Yeah, I think Lila's awake.
Uh, she's gonna want to hear this.
Two, three, four.
♪ Driving down the highway ♪
♪ Driving so fast ♪
♪ Third-row seating in my Pontiac-ac ♪
♪♪
You dumb [bleep]
Use your [bleep] blinker if you're gonna make a turn.
If you're turning to the right, use the right blinker,
you [bleep] [bleep]
What's wrong with her?
She's a role model.
I feel better.
[ Sprinklers turn on ]
[ Screaming ]
♪♪