[ Music plays ]
Okay, I'm gonna say that you like water sports,
because that'll make you 10% more attractive.
This is dumb. I don't need to be on a dating app.
This is a great place to meet people.
I helped a very nice woman to her car the other night.
Oh, no, we know. The banana hoarderer.
It's "hoarder." Okay, we get it.
You went to med school, alright?
Well, yes, that is the woman I'm talking about,
and...fine.
Say I like water sports. I just Googled "water sports."
I think it means something different on the apps.
Ugh. Okay, we're gonna do the profile picture now.
Yeah. Thanks.
Now? Yeah. Let's lead with the boobs.
What? I can't believe you're doing this.
What's happening? Ugh.
Read 'em and weep. Let's go.
Huh. Ooh.
Now, what is that?
Is that a nursing bra?
It's my work bra!
It's got support in the front for lifting.
Oh, okay. So if you don't want someone
with a moving truck, you're gonna wanna ditch that.
Here, I've got something that'll make them pop.
It's Tuesday "sex night" with Dan, and, you know.
This is the only time it's gonna come off, so...
Oh.
I'll be right here, just waiting.
Here you go. No, no, no, no, no.
That doesn't go with those pants.
I don't wear underwear in these, so...
♪♪
♪ Hey! ♪
♪♪
Sarah: Guys, there's no one worth dating on these apps.
It's like online shopping,
but there's nothing in my size or style.
Well, at least you're bi.
I mean, imagine if you had to choose from only the men.
Wait a minute. Does that say "Good Vibes Only"?
Oh, God. That's not very inclusive.
Oh, okay. Here.
Here's someone who doesn't completely make me sick.
Oh, yeah.
You two would have very attractive sex.
Right? Amy: Hang on.
Does that say Merrick Skateway?
Look at her background.
[ Gasps ] It is.
She's wearing the uniform. She works there.
We have to go check her out.
And we can skate! Amy, we can take our kids.
It would be so fun.
I was gonna bring them to that booger-infested playground
at the mall, but no, I guess this is a step up.
Guys, I don't even want to be dating,
much less have you as my wingmen with your children.
Mm. But you are never gonna find happiness
if you don't put yourself out there.
It's all about manifesting joy.
Or so says O Magazine.
Oh, crap on a stick.
It's a mother from Luke's school.
Hide me, please.
♪♪
Oh, excuse me. Did she just avoid me?
The nerve!
Hi! I thought that was you!
It's me.
[ Both laugh awkwardly ]
I just want to say I'm sorry
Luke wasn't invited to Dylan's party.
I didn't -- I didn't know that he had a p--
there was a party. Yeah.
It's just that we're encouraging Dylan to be more authentic,
and he doesn't feel like he and Luke have a lot in common,
so it would be inauthentic to pretend they're friends.
Dylan likes animals, but not all the time.
Yeah, right. No, of course.
Um, we're -- we're all grown-ups here, so...
[ Both laugh ]
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No big deal.
Oh, one thing, um...
I want you to know that I avoided you first.
Okay, Dylan's Mom?
♪♪
Luke isn't getting invited to birthday parties now.
I mean, what is that?
When we were kids, we were taught to be nice.
Everyone was invited, even the losers.
And we got a lifelong friendship out of it.
Yes! Who -- Wait. Who are you talking about?
Hey, hey, hey. You got a foot in the door.
[ Gasps ] Let's all just be grateful.
♪♪
[ Chuckles ]
Can I have one of the new Popsicles?
Depends.
Who's the best mom in the whole world?
You are! [ Laughs ]
[ Cellphone ringing ] Grocery shopping
is so much more fun when you come with --
[ Screams ]
Hi.
Hey, Jodie.
Uh, I read that Oprah article you told me about.
It is awesome.
Isn't Oprah the best? [ Grunts ]
Mommy! I want a Popsicle!
Yeah, totally.
Um, hey, so, I am working on manifesting my joy,
and there's something that I wanted to ask you about,
but, um...
kind of worried that it might be inappropriate.
You can talk to me about anything.
Mommy, I want Popsicles!
I want Pop--
Go get it! Sorry, that wasn't to you.
[ Sighs ]
Oh, man, the gym would kill me if they knew
I was asking a client this.
Can you give me advice on starting my own fitness company?
Oh.
But it's gonna be more than a company, you know?
It's gonna be a-a fitness empire --
classes, supplements, sleeveless T-shirts, you know?
That all sounds great, but why do you think I can help?
Well, I mean, you used to work at a bank.
You understand money and business.
Plus, I've seen you use the Reminders app on your phone,
and that is awesome.
Yeah, I'm pretty awesome.
Have you ever considered taking some business courses
at Nassau Community College?
I knew you would have the answer.
You always have the answer. You are such a real grown-up.
Oh, shoot. I gotta go.
Um, I got a client, but I will talk to you later, okay?
Thank you so much.
Really, it was nothing.
Alright, bye.
Oy.
[ Door unlocks ]
Don't tell your brother you licked those.
They're tonight's dessert.
Mommy's home.
Hi, Mommy. Hi, Mommy.
Ooh, look, Julia. That's your mommy, remember?
Okay, I think she knows who I am, Gloria.
You're home early. Yeah, a guy fell off the scaffolding at the site.
He'll be fine, but we're pretending he won't, so half day.
[ Chuckles ] Hey, Luke, guess what.
You and I are gonna go to the roller rink right now.
But I want to work on this 700-piece puzzle
of an African Bear.
Mm-hmm, okay, okay. So here's the thing.
We're gonna have a little chat right now, okay?
Alright, I'm gonna shoot you straight.
It's time to broaden our horizons.
I mean, the animal stuff, it's very cool, but it's a lot,
and I think it alienates the other kids.
And plus, you can't go drinking in college
with African Bears, right?
Of course you can't.
African Bears have been extinct for thousands of years.
Yeah, Mommy.
Okay, I need you to try to be cool, okay?
I am begging you.
I know you love spending time with me,
but it would mean a lot to your mom
if you went roller skating.
We'll do the puzzle tomorrow.
Okay, Gloria.
Doing a great job, buddy.
I don't know what the problem is.
He's a perfect little angel.
He's not getting invited to birthday parties, Gloria.
It's their loss.
Okay, we have to fire Gloria.
She's way too supportive of Luke.
We need someone more shame-y.
I think you got that covered.
What are you doing? I'm trying to fix him, okay?
This is all your fault.
He gets the whole animal obsession thing from you.
I'm not obsessed.
I just like them and know everything about them.
Plus, I got invited to plenty of birthday parties.
It's because you've been handsome since birth.
Yes, but also 'cause I was so good at magic.
You keep that to yourself. Okay.
Look, I was Luke's age when I met Coleen.
He's not even gonna have a dead friend to mourn.
Don't worry, I'm sure something tragic
will happen to someone he loves.
Oh, God. I hope so. I don't --
Okay, I'm not taking Julia,
so since you're home, thank you.
Why can't we ask Gloria to stay?
Because I'm home. Obviously.
That's... Luke!
Jodie: [ Gasps ] You guys!
After all these years,
it still smells like pound cake in here.
Aw, Jodie.
That's old skate sweat and carpet fungus.
That is what that is.
Guys, do you remember Couples Skate?
It was so hard to skate
and make out at the same time, but we did it.
It was!
We managed to do it. Yeah, I didn't.
That was my cue to hit the concession stand.
I used to use the licorice rope as a microphone and lip-sync
to all of the slow songs, and then I'd eat it.
[ Gasps ] Oh, my God. It's still here.
It's still here! I was so popular.
Luke really does get it from Henry.
I mean, I can't believe Evan and Nora
didn't want to come with, but their loss.
I mean, can't you just force them to do things
until they're big enough to overpower you?
Oh, no. They're very strong
from all the karate they end up quitting.
Oh. I mean, did anyone really like skating?
I feel like it was just the place to be.
Only the losers, like, liked skating. True.
Mom, skating looks awesome!
Aww, of course you think so, buddy.
Guys, guys, guys. There's Seema.
Okay, go rent skates, check her out first,
see if she'll murder me in my sleep
or if she's hot enough to make it worth it, okay?
Come on, Mom! Let's get skates now!
Yes, yes. Go get skates.
And, Luke, when you're there,
find out if the lady behind the counter
has a lower back tattoo.
Okay! Okay.
Yeah, that is a deal-breaker. Great kid.
He's -- He's okay.
♪♪
Whoa.
This must be what baby penguins feel like
as they find their footing for the first time.
Or how a little boy feels when he first learns to skate,
is a more normal way to say it.
Hey, Luke. You get my intel?
Nope. Nope?
How was Seema? Was she terrible?
She was terrible. I knew she'd be terrible.
Let's go. No, she was nice.
Super friendly.
That's worse than terrible. It's boring.
God, you're ridiculous. Just go talk to her.
It's a first date at a roller rink.
There's no place for this relationship to go but up.
True. How do I look?
Good. Oh, wait. You've got a...
Actually...
Oh, my God. O-Okay. Ahh! Huh. [ Sighs ]
Hopefully I dry off before I get there.
Thank you. So pretty.
Hey, ready to hit the rink with me?
Nope, definitely not.
These skates were just for optics.
Cool. I can manifest my own joy.
It's gonna be the old routine --
skate, Pac-Man, slushy, repeat.
Jodie, um, you know that if you didn't let me
cheat off you when we were younger,
we probably wouldn't be friends, right?
[ Chuckles ] You're funny.
Oh. Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
I'll save it for when they play ABBA.
♪♪
Bye, Mom!
♪♪
You must love that -- putting smiles on their little faces.
Uh, truthfully, not really a big fan of kids.
[ Gasps ] Oh, I can't stand them.
Dirty little germ buckets, am I right?
Do you have a pair of unused skates?
Uh, men's size 4 haven't been touched.
Even the guys with that size will lie and ask for a 10.
Right.
Um, full disclosure, I-I'm actually not here to skate.
Um, I saw your profile on my dating app,
and I dragged my friends down here to check you out first.
Is -- Is that weird? Pretty weird.
Too weird?
I get it. Everyone's fake on the apps.
So I take it your friends approved of me, then?
They were pretty useless, um, but, you know,
I took a leap of faith, and so far you don't disappoint.
Um, but it is still early. I haven't seen you chew.
[ Laughs ]
Then, uh, I guess we should hang out.
I have two bottles of strawberry wine
I confiscated from some teenagers.
Wanna get hammered and, uh, hit the rink?
Break out the men's size 4.
♪♪
Rink DJ: What up, skaters?
It's time to limbo!
Limbo!
Whoo!
How low can she go?
Nice one!
♪♪
Come on, our next lucky limbo skater!
This does not bring me joy.
Well, did you preheat the oven, Dan?
Yes, well, that's why the pizza's cold in the middle.
♪♪
Oh, I'm having major flashbacks of you during Couples Skate.
At least back then I still had hope things would get better.
Could still cling to my dreams
of a husband and kids and a house.
You got all that.
It's not how I imagined.
I wanted the fairytale version.
I wanted my life to feel like "Pretty in Pink."
Oh, my God. No, you didn't.
First of all, that dress was a disaster.
[ Gasps ] Redheads should not wear pink.
Who said she could wear that?
I'm saying it. She made that dress.
Yeah. It looked like a potato sack.
Okay, clearly, you don't get it.
I can't manifest joy.
Nothing ever changes.
I want to skate with Matt. That'll never happen.
That's just another dumb fantasy.
If they don't sell licorice rope,
I am burning this place down.
Ooh. [ Chuckles ]
Exciting.
Oh.
♪ Ooo ♪
♪ I just wanna get away ♪
Luke: Mom, look!
I'm so fast, I'm like a peregrine falcon.
Oh, that's great, Luke.
Maybe just reel it in a little bit, buddy.
♪ Ooo ♪
♪ We could find a better place ♪
[ Laughter ]
♪ Ooo ♪
♪ We could find a better place ♪
♪♪
Okay. Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, girls.
Hey. Where do you get off?
I bet you don't even know what a peregrine falcon is.
You want to know why? 'Cause you're basic.
[ Scoffs ] Whatever.
♪ We could find a better place ♪
♪ Better, better, better ♪ Flap away, Luke.
Flap your little heart out, buddy.
Flap your little heart out. Go.
Yeah.
[ Dance beat plays ]
Okay, alright. This seems like --
Oof. Oh, God.
This is really wedged in there. Right?
I think it might just be a part of you now.
Um, your profile said you worked out,
so give it a go.
Okay. Okay.
[ Grunts ]
Oh!
[ Both laugh ]
Oh, my gosh. Ahh.
[ Sighs ]
You know, you should really get this checked out.
It looks like an asymmetrical melanocytic nevus.
It's got some concerning discoloration to it, as well.
Geez, you sound like a doctor.
Oh, I was. I mean, before I was a bagger.
I didn't kill anyone. It -- It was a choice.
Wow.
Wow, wow.
It's been 12 whole minutes
and you had to stick it in there
that you're a doctor.
Oh, I'm -- N-No.
It's just because I saw something, you know,
possibly pre-cancerous on your face.
No, it was important for you
that I know you're not just a bagger.
And clearly, you just had to rub it in my face.
I think you might have an inferiority complex.
Oh, so you're a psychologist now, too?
Oh, no. I was a real doctor.
Wow. [ Scoffs ]
I think we're done here. I'm gonna get your shoes.
Okay.
Because I'm just a shoe person.
Mm, not a very good one. These aren't mine.
Wow.
Yeah, right there.
Hey, everybody. We got the reverse-skate coming up.
Uhhhh...Hi.
You can't talk to my kid like that!
Oh, God. I talk to all kids like that.
Plus, it was your kid who insulted my weird son,
so if anyone deserves an apology, it's me.
Oh, God. I don't like where this is going!
Brace yourselves, party people!
Okay, go over here. It's time to...rewind!
Re-- What? Oh, my God.
Ahh!
Okay, I'm sorry!
♪♪
[ Humming ]
♪♪
And we're going to get kicked out, just like always.
Amy: Okay, okay, look. I'm sorry.
Your daughter's really great!
This is all my husband's fault.
He is the one that you want!
Amy, grab on!
Oh, my God, you saved me!
You feel so thin.
Oh! Matt has me doing burpees.
Clearly the gym sparks joy.
Oh, my -- Excuse me.
[ Gasps ] We started a conga line!
No! Get off! Get off! I'm not into this.
Aw, you're no fun.
Oh, my God, you really are a good skater.
I know. You know what, though?
I was never really good at stopping, so, uh...
Wait, what do you mean? Yeah.
Save yourself. Oh, my God!
Ugh!
This day just keeps getting better.
Oh, God. Are you okay, Mommy?
Yeah, no. I meant to do all that.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, keep skating, or my mom will attack you
like a red-tailed hawk eats a rabbit!
Yeah! Raarrr!
Oh. That's not what they sound like.
Okay, you need to work with me
a little bit here, okay, buddy?
♪ Yeah, let's celebrate ♪
You sure you gave me your shoes?
Well, I didn't come in socks.
Wow.
Hey. Hey, guys. Let's go.
Forget about your shoes. You're never gonna find them.
Oh.
They can't leave with their skates.
Well, thanks to you, they also can't leave with their shoes.
Good luck with your face.
♪ It's time to laugh, to love ♪
♪ To let it all go ♪ I hate you guys for making me date.
I feel like that's on Diana for blowing up your marriage.
Meh. Mating for life is overrated.
No, I think I need to lock something down
while I'm still hot.
Luke. Luke!
Ca-caw! Ca-caw!
Time to fly the coop, baby bird.
Own it. Own it, baby bird. You got this.
♪ Yeah, let's do this ♪
♪ We're gonna have a party, gonna celebrate ♪ Aww.
[ Knock on door ]
[ Lila crying ]
Oh.
Whenever I had a crappy day,
I would come here and Coleen would take my mind off it.
Well, she's not here. So out of habit, I-I came by.
Great. Lila's in her crib. You guys can cry together.
I'm gonna go to bed.
You're not wearing any shoes.
She's teething. Good luck.
Well, if I'm gonna keep getting in fights
at the roller rink, I have to start training.
Hey, do you think I can do Krav Maga on skates?
Is that a thing? You know what?
I'm proud of you for embracing our son,
in your own bizarre way.
Well, I mean, it's just who I am now.
I'm a red-tailed hawk, so...
Is that right? Mm.
Oh.
Well, come here, you winged beast. [ Chuckles ]
[ Knock on door ] Oh, and that's a kid.
Okay. [ Door opens ]
Pick a card, any card.
Aww. You know you're the reason
bad things happen, right?
Are you gonna let him do the trick?
Mm-hmm. Pick a card, Mommy.
There we go.
[ Siren wails in distance ]
♪♪
[ Car alarm chirps ]
♪♪
Hey!
I'll give you a lift.
Oh, sorry.
Ignore that.
Thanks. This parking lot always gives me the creeps.
Ah, you got the guns to protect yourself.
I got a spot by the back door.
It's right up next to the dumpster, though,
but you can just crawl out on my side.
♪ We fight and delight in the tears that we cry ♪
♪ Until dawn ♪
♪ Oh, whoa ♪
♪ Hold me now ♪
[ Engine turns off ] [ Sighs ]
Hey, so, I have some, uh, kind of major news.
I signed up for some of those business courses.
Oh, fantastic. Yeah.
That's great news. Yeah.
I'm really glad that I came to you about that.
I mean, you're the smartest person I know.
[ Laughs ] The smartest?
Yeah. Rea-- You think?
Yeah. Yeah, really. Really?
I, uh -- I think that you're the total package.
Thank you.
That brings me joy.
Um, and there's something else
that I-I've been wanting to tell you.
Um...
and if I don't just say it now, I'm -- I'm --
♪ Go far away ♪
I'm very attracted to you.
♪ There's nowhere that I'd rather be ♪
I think you're cute, too.
Really?
Because I-I've been wanting to kiss you for awhile now.
♪ Whoa, warm my heart ♪
Oh, God. That was inappropriate.
I'm so sorr-- And you can't even get out.
I-I've trapped you! I'm a sexual predator!
You're not! It's okay 'cause I'm very into it. I'm so sorry.
And it would only be a kiss.
Yeah?
Well...
No. No. You're married.
I mean, yes, we are technically married,
but we're not... doing great.
I'm sorry to hear that.
♪ ...me and we're laughing, we're loving it all ♪
Well, it's more than just kissing.
I'd really like to do more.
♪♪
And that was more inappropriate, and I'm so sorry.
I-I keep -- I don't know why I just keep just talking.
Can I lose eight more pounds first?
♪ ...tears that we cry until dawn ♪
Before we do more?
♪ Oh, hold me now ♪
♪ Whoa, warm my heart ♪
Can we make it six pounds?
♪ Stay with me ♪
Definitely. Let's go do burpees.
Okay.
♪ Let loving start, let loving start ♪
I got it. Okay. I'll help you.
♪ Whoa-oa-oa ♪