Dad, can I give this away?
It shrank, and it's really small.
Oh, it'll still fit.
Come on, give me that.
[sighs]
It looks like a child being born.
Push, push.
[grunts]
Grunt if you have to.
You're doing so good.
[exhales sharply]
It's a dad.
- * It's true ♪
♪ The marriage that we once had now is through ♪
♪ And now we're doing all that we can do ♪
♪ To keep us all together as a crew ♪
♪ Just do as we say, not as we do ♪
♪ We really thought that we were done ♪
♪ But we've just begun ♪
This too dressy?
Not if you're a scarecrow.
I don't even want to go to this thing.
Well, I can't leave you here, so you're going.
We're having lunch with my oldest, dearest friends,
and I don't want them calling child services.
So this is about you, not me?
Yup, for two hours, I want you to look like
you're being raised by civilized people
and pose no threat to public health.
Didn't you always say
we should be honest about who we are?
Within the family, yes.
But to outsiders, it's a lifetime of deception.
Grandpa and I are going thrifting.
Ah, thrifting, a romp through the closets of the dead.
One woman's trash is another woman's treasure.
Thank God, or no one would ever get married.
Oh, look, it's Arthur Fonzarelli.
Where did your shirt go?
Grandpa said I could sell it.
Apparently, it's vintage.
Everything you own is vintage.
You are vintage.
I put it in a ziplock so you can't smell the Aqua Velva.
Won't work. You're gonna have to spray it.
- With what? - Youth.
You'll smell like me soon enough.
Perhaps the scariest thing you've ever said.
And since when do you thrift?
Since my granddaughter asked me to.
I'd do anything she wants.
She says museum, we go to a museum.
She says swimming, I'd be standing there in a Speedo.
Please never say swimming.
Better?
Take anything off him you think you can sell.
[upbeat music]
Don't you feel better dressed nicely like a grown-up?
I feel like I got a court date.
Beer for me and for my lawyer.
OK, we will look at the harmless
nonalcoholic beverage menu.
Jimmy, would you like a Faux-jito,
a Short Island Iced Tea,
or a Polite Hug on the Beach?
He'll have a rumless Coke.
Look, I know you're not happy, but today is important.
Every couple of months ever since college,
my buddies and I have met here for lunch.
Are you wondering why?
Nope.
Because it means a lot to me to be the kind of guy
who never forgets his friends.
I like to be that kind of guy, too,
but I had to go to lunch with my father.
Now, drink your mocktail.
Seems like a good time to introduce you
to the culture of alcohol.
Barkeep, keep 'em coming.
There he is! [laughs]
Hey.
Hey! How are you, buddy?
all: Hey!
Oh, everybody, everybody, this is my son, Jimmy.
Jimmy, this is Petey D, Petey G, Mikey, Tommy,
Russo, Kevin, and Schwanz.
Holy cow!
Look at you, Jimmy.
I ain't seen you since your sonogram.
You remember?
Yes, sir.
All right, everybody, grab a beer.
[all shouting]
I've got something to say before we sit down.
And, Jimmy, I want you to listen to every word
'cause this is about your dad.
Last time we had lunch here, I asked Jim
to write me a letter of recommendation
for my daughter, Denise, who is applying
to Our Lady of Sorrows, where your sister,
Grace, goes to school.
Half the city's trying to get in there, but they won't fit.
[laughter]
And no Boston school wants a transplanted New Yorker.
I mean, maybe you can't hear my accent no more,
but that's where I'm from.
Anyways, the school's decisions come out tomorrow morning.
But I ain't worried, Jimmy.
I believe you.
'Cause I know how it's gonna go.
Thanks to your dad, my old buddy Jim,
I've never been sure about a thing in my life
that'd be taken care of.
What a guy your dad is.
I love him.
I mean, we all love him, right?
- Yeah! - Thank you.
To Jim. all: To Jim.
This is some stack of cash.
I had no idea.
It's the sustainable economy, Grandpa.
Do they like clip-on ties or Hush Puppies
or Members Only jackets?
I could make a fortune.
- How about this one? - Too much.
This one is half off.
That's half off when it's on.
No. Ew.
No. No.
Hey, go b-- go back two dresses.
This one?
I don't think it's my size.
Or yours.
Do me a favor. I forgot my glasses.
Look at the label.
Tell me what it says.
"I belong to Rose Oliver."
How did you know that there was handwriting on this?
Keep shopping, honey. I got to go sit down.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
Don't be too hard on yourself, Governor.
Pronouns are a minefield these days.
Please stop calling me "Governor."
I'm just a former governor.
But you get the honorific Governor
for the rest of your life.
I don't want it.
Just twists the knife.
Reminds me of days gone by when I could remake
the commonwealth with a stroke of my pen
and everyone took my calls.
I'm sure they still do.
More and more, they go through to voicemail.
I know what that means.
We need to fix your snafu.
How do you fix it?
You tell the truth.
People love the truth.
They respect the truth.
They respond to the truth.
["Batman Theme" ringtone plays]
Oh, my gosh, Former Governor. I'm so sorry.
It's my former husband.
Much less of an honorific.
He has our kids this week,
and he's putting up the Bat-Signal,
which is only used for emergencies.
Just be happy someone wants to talk to you.
Do you have another room?
Governors have other rooms, not former governors.
Go ahead.
Is everything OK?
- No. - Is one of the kids hurt?
- No. - Are you hurt?
This will go faster if you just let me tell you.
OK.
I need help, desperate, desperate help.
Go slow. Use your words.
I am using my words.
You are repeating words.
I repeated the word "desperate" to express
the gravity of my situation.
I forgot to write a letter of recommendation
for Petey D's daughter, who applied to Our Lady of Sorrows.
She is his only child, and I blew it.
You sure did.
What a disappointment.
You put up the Bat-Signal for this?
The decisions come out in the morning.
I am in a pitch meeting with Former Governor Devon Monohan.
I don't think you're supposed to call him that.
The Bat-Signal is for car accidents, fires,
staph infections, head lice.
Jules, I'm about to fail miserably
at being a good friend.
And if I am not the wonderful old friend that I think I am,
maybe I'm not the incredible father that I think I am
or the terrific former husband that I think I am.
Maybe I'm just a burden, a cipher, a zero.
Are you in public right now?
I'm public-adjacent.
But you, Julia, are not a zero, thank God.
You are whatever the opposite of zero is.
It's infinity.
That school loves you.
Heck, if you'd have been around
when the Blessed Mother was alive,
she wouldn't have had sorrows.
She would have been laughing constantly.
Our daughter's school would be named
Our Lady of the Ever-Deepening Guffaw.
All right, enough.
You have given endlessly of your time,
volunteered in the lunchroom,
been a chaperone on the field trips.
So you got to call the head of school,
sing this girl's praises,
and get her in now, right away, please.
I don't even know Petey D's daughter.
I've only met Petey D once, and that was enough,
with the Yankees and that accent.
Well, put all that aside, Julia, please.
Channel your better angels.
My better angels have already been channeled,
or I would have hung up on you.
Well, then channel your also pretty good angels,
whatever angels are left.
OK, I am going to text you the girl's info.
I still have it from the email that I opened
but foolishly forgot to flag as important.
Bad Jim, very bad.
Do you have it?
I do.
I have it, and I have had it with this call.
I will call the school. Thank you. Good day.
Forgive me, Former Governor.
It'll be just one more second.
I have very little to do.
Julia Kearney calling for Kate Mackey.
Wonderful.
Hi, Julia.
Hi, Kate.
Thank you for taking my call.
I appreciate what that means.
[whispering] This'll be you soon.
[normally] I'd like to speak with you
about a wonderful candidate
for admission to Our Lady of Sorrows.
Her name is... Denise DiNunzio.
She's an A student and a... soccer player,
a midfielder, actually.
And what a midfielder.
[chuckles]
Don't go into midfield, Kate, or you'll be sorry.
Midfield is Denise's field.
Yeah, you know, Julia, we seriously considered Denise,
but the note from her interviewer was...
"Not enough shame."
Well, she was probably nervous.
And what kid wouldn't be, interviewing for a place
at the school of her dreams?
Oh, that's true.
So you personally vouch for the child?
She's salt of the earth, cream of the crop,
top shelf, top drawer.
In short, A-plus.
Well, they are transplanted New Yorkers.
We try to avoid them.
As you should.
But, Julia, if you can gush like that over her,
then I'll park all that to one side.
Denise DiNunzio, welcome to Our Lady of Sorrows.
[laughs] Thank you so much, Kate.
And go, Martyrs.
Forgive me, it'll be just one more
brief, brief moment, Former Governor.
[indistinct chatter]
["Batman Theme" ringtone plays]
- Oh, oh, oh, oh. - Who is it?
Yes, Commissioner?
She's in.
Ha!
Hey, Petey, tell Denise
she's gonna be donning the Holy Ghost gray.
- Oh! - Oh, my God!
I could cry.
I could cry, Jim. I'm crying.
Look at these tears. - Mm.
I ain't cried since Jeter retired.
Lunch is on me.
[all cheer]
OK, Former Governor, where were we?
You were extolling the virtues of the truth,
and then you made me witness to a pageant of lies.
To be fair, they weren't lies per se,
and as such, I would never lie about Patrice D'Amelio.
Denise DiNunzio.
Or her.
Clearly, you were asked if you knew the girl.
At that moment, you stood at an ethical crossroads:
to the right, the high road; to the left, the low.
You took the low.
You sprinted to the low.
The school wouldn't have taken her
if I admitted that I didn't know her.
That's why they call it the high road,
'cause you got to climb up to it.
Otherwise, they'd just call it the road.
I thought you'd be impressed with my savvy.
[chuckles] - I care about integrity.
If I didn't, I'd still be governor.
I'll be in touch.
No, you won't.
I've lost your business.
I'll never hear from you again.
Truth.
Mallomar?
How about a time machine?
You're turning down a Mallomar?
This is serious.
Please tell me what's going on, Grandpa.
Who is Rose Oliver?
No.
You still have your innocence.
I don't want to ruin that.
Grandpa, I'm on the internet six hours a day.
I don't believe in anything anymore.
Rose was at Brandeis when I was at BC.
We met at a mixer, fell in love across the punch bowl.
I know it's hard to imagine, but I was young once.
It's not hard.
I just take Jimmy's face and pull on it.
[laughs]
We'd meet in Boston on weekends.
We'd walk around.
She admired this dress in a window,
so I saved up the money and got it for her birthday.
Wrote what I wrote on the label.
"I belong to Rose Oliver."
Because I did.
We wanted to get married, but our parents wouldn't allow it.
Rose was Jewish. I was Catholic.
- Who cares? - Well, people used to.
So said goodbye to Rose.
I was so sad, I enlisted in the army.
By the way, I hope you never get your heart broken.
'Cause if you do, I'll kill whoever does it!
I'll snap him like a twig!
There'll be pieces of him in three states!
But if you do get your heart broken,
wait a couple of months before you make any big decisions.
Copy you.
What a putz.
I mean, heartbreak is bad enough,
but at least no one's shooting at you.
I got back in '75.
Rose was married.
My dad saved the announcement in the "Globe."
Wrote at the top, "See?"
I didn't talk to him for two years.
And then what happened?
I killed him.
No, no, no.
Nothing.
She lived her life, I guess, and I lived mine.
I put one foot in front of the other.
Met your grandmother.
We had 44 wonderful years, until she passed.
But I always told myself that no matter where Rose was,
she'd still have that dress.
What can I tell you?
Boys are stupid.
Not all of them.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
You cost me a high-value client.
Think of all the good you did for Denise.
I don't even know Denise.
Can I ask a question?
- Go ahead. - Yeah?
Why are you here?
Because Mom's got to figure out how to make this right.
Dad's no help, and I'm hammered.
Jimmy, I think you've had enough.
I can stop anytime I want to.
Then why don't you stop?
Because I don't want to.
Fine. Just drink quietly.
But never alone.
Trey, we are here because you speak
the former governor's language.
You think the way he thinks
because you're both at the top of society's pyramid.
So you can afford luxuries like honesty and integrity.
Some people have actual integrity.
Ha!
And the former governor may be one of them.
Ugh. What do we do, then, Moral Man?
I love you, Julia, but you are not above a fib
here and there.
And there.
And over there.
And I like you, Jim,
even though you took some getting used to.
- So did you. - So did you.
[scoffs] OK, Trey, this is all blood under the bridge.
Yes, get to the fix, please.
- I will make a phone call. - OK.
And if that call's successful,
you will fall on your sword.
And you will fall on your sword.
Then you will fall on her sword,
and you will fall on his sword.
And possibly, when all of this sword-falling is done,
the former governor will understand who the Kearneys are
and what I will be dealing with every day
for the rest of my natural life.
Try being their kid.
It's lunacy.
How does this guy not have another room?
[door clicks open]
You have five minutes.
God, I have missed saying stuff like that.
Thank you for seeing us, sir.
When the owner of the Boston Celtics calls,
you don't let it go through the voicemail.
[both chuckle]
We are here to tell the pure, unalloyed truth.
Each of us has prepared remarks.
Those were mine.
I'm listening.
By the way, "sir" is good.
"Sir"--"sir" works.
Jim?
Sir Monohan,
Julia and I are divorced but codependent.
We make unreasonable demands of each other all the time.
In this case, I was the unreasonable demander,
and Julia was the unfortunate demandee.
Julia?
But rather than hang up on him like a functional human,
some instinct kicked in, some impossible-to-kill reflex
to help this man if I could.
I was in lie-or-die mode, Sir Monohan.
Jimmy?
I have a pretend drinking problem.
One thing I don't miss about being governor
is all the favors you're asked.
Most times, you have to say no
because you never know what damage you might do.
It means a lot to me that you all came here
and spoke truth to what used to be power.
Makes me feel good,
like there's hope, like there's a future, like...
maybe I should get another room.
And, Trey. - Yes?
How did you get mixed up with these people?
[door clicks open]
I'm back, Grandpa.
How was thrifting?
Successful, I hope.
What'd you get?
A time machine.
Rosie Oliver?
Bobby Kearney.
Yeah.
How you doin'?
Better than I thought.
Day just took a good turn.
So I'm in my apartment, minding my own business,
and then the doorbell rings.
Gracie.
When I told the store owner the story,
she gave me Rose's address.
Sit, sit, sit.
My grandkids are big thrifters,
and apparently, when Alvin died--
Alvin was my husband.
Oh, I know.
Yeah, well, those jackals,
they went through the closet that we shared.
So you didn't sell that dress on purpose?
[chuckling] Oh, no, Robert.
If I were broke and on the street
and I sold everything that I ever had,
I would still be wearing that dress.
I knew it!
Well, maybe whoever gets it will look at the label
and see it's something special.
Well, Grandpa...
Oh.
Oh, my goodness.
I'll pay you back.
No worries. I sold most of your clothing.
Happy birthday, Rose.
Oh. Thank you.
It's beautiful.
You're a good writer.
Well, I was inspired.
Would either of you care for a Mallomar?
Yes, please. That would be nice.
Yeah, get lost.
Sit, sit, sit. - Wow.
[chuckles]
So... your husband's dead.
As a doornail.
[upbeat music]
I wanted to come over, have the girls meet,
say thank you like a human being.
Well, then cheers to Clarice.
Denise, who I'm sure will be a wonderful member
of the Ladies of Our Lady.
- Denise. - Denise.
Denise, Denise, Denise.
She's gonna fit right in.
I loved the public school I was in.
I didn't ask to switch,
and certainly not to some ivory tower with no males,
where I'll be robbed of the chance to study men,
to understand their deviousness,
to steep myself in their treachery
so one day, I can drive the patriarchy to its knees...
and the matriarchy, all the "archies."
I cannot wait to take a wrecking ball
to Our Lady of Sorrows.
And as I dance on its grave, I will remind the mourners
that it was founded to beat back heresy
and seek the salvation of souls.
I am a part of the rabble,
and the rabble I will rouse.
This may have been why Denise DiNunzio's interviewer
expressed some concern.
The fox was in the chicken coop now.
That'll teach you.
Things have never been the same at Our Lady of Sorrows.
In fact, they're thinking of changing the name
to Jesus Christ, Why Did We Let That Kid In?
I took the hit.
On campus, my reputation is in tatters.
One day, they'll let me volunteer
in the lunchroom again.
One day, they'll let me chaperone.
But not today.