1
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:09,509
["The Evening Primrose (Ye Lai Xiang)"
by Li Xianglan plays]

2
00:00:28,945 --> 00:00:32,490
[woman singing in Chinese]

3
00:00:32,574 --> 00:00:33,742
[audience applauds and cheers]

4
00:00:35,785 --> 00:00:39,330
[female host] <i>Ladies and gentlemen,</i>
<i>Ronny Chieng!</i>

5
00:00:39,831 --> 00:00:43,585
[audience cheers and applauds]

6
00:00:53,386 --> 00:00:54,596
[Ronny] Thank you!

7
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,806
-Thank you!
-[cheering and applause continue]

8
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,224
Thank you!

9
00:00:58,558 --> 00:01:00,268
Thank you. Okay!

10
00:01:00,351 --> 00:01:01,561
Thank you.

11
00:01:01,644 --> 00:01:03,188
We gotta get going!

12
00:01:03,938 --> 00:01:06,149
We gotta get going, guys! Thank you!

13
00:01:06,232 --> 00:01:07,901
Thank you. That's very kind.

14
00:01:07,984 --> 00:01:09,444
Thank you. Thank you.

15
00:01:09,527 --> 00:01:12,113
Netflix says we're losing viewers
by the second. Let's get started.

16
00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:13,656
All right? Thank you.

17
00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:16,076
They're clicking X as we speak.
Thanks for coming.

18
00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:19,120
Uh... It's nice to be here in America.

19
00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:21,289
[audience laughs]

20
00:01:22,248 --> 00:01:24,876
What's going on in America in 2019? Uh...

21
00:01:25,543 --> 00:01:27,587
Measles is coming back, right?

22
00:01:28,838 --> 00:01:30,423
Bringing back measles.

23
00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:31,674
Why not?

24
00:01:32,467 --> 00:01:34,469
Why not at this point?
How much worse can it get?

25
00:01:34,552 --> 00:01:35,678
Let's bring back measles.

26
00:01:36,679 --> 00:01:40,683
Every year,
America becomes more and more hipster.

27
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:41,726
[audience laughs]

28
00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:45,688
It's time to bring back
organic, small-batch diseases.

29
00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:47,565
[audience laughs]

30
00:01:49,317 --> 00:01:52,195
Because of all these stupid
anti-vaccination idiots.

31
00:01:53,154 --> 00:01:56,241
Reading some bullshit on the internet,
getting brainwashed,

32
00:01:56,616 --> 00:01:57,909
not vaccinating their children.

33
00:01:58,576 --> 00:02:01,538
Yo, the internet is making people
so fucking stupid.

34
00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:03,206
-[audience laughs]
-[woman] Whoo!

35
00:02:03,331 --> 00:02:06,417
Like, who knew all of human knowledge
can make people dumber?

36
00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:08,670
[audience laughs]

37
00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:12,549
Like, in 50 years,
we're gonna look at the internet

38
00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:14,592
the same way we look at smoking right now.

39
00:02:15,009 --> 00:02:16,136
[audience laughs]

40
00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:18,930
It's going to be like, "Man,
I can't believe 50 years ago,

41
00:02:19,013 --> 00:02:21,891
we just let pregnant people
use the internet."

42
00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:24,435
[audience laughs and applauds]

43
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:27,397
"What were we thinking?

44
00:02:28,898 --> 00:02:31,151
Pregnant people were just using
the internet.

45
00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:33,403
We'd use the internet in front of babies.

46
00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:35,780
We'd let babies use the internet."

47
00:02:36,030 --> 00:02:37,448
[audience laughs]

48
00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:40,702
Yeah, in 50 years, we're gonna have
special areas outside buildings

49
00:02:40,785 --> 00:02:42,412
where you can use the internet.

50
00:02:44,038 --> 00:02:47,500
Internet designated zones
50 feet from every entrance.

51
00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:51,004
Don't bring the internet indoors.

52
00:02:51,254 --> 00:02:53,506
The secondhand stupidity's a real killer.

53
00:02:53,631 --> 00:02:58,595
-[audience laughs, cheers, and applauds]
-Yeah. [chuckles]

54
00:02:58,678 --> 00:03:00,680
[cheering and applause continue]

55
00:03:02,223 --> 00:03:03,057
Yeah!

56
00:03:03,558 --> 00:03:05,143
Yeah, we're stupid. Yeah!

57
00:03:05,226 --> 00:03:06,769
[audience laughs]

58
00:03:07,145 --> 00:03:10,648
[laughs] Uh, yeah, I've been living
in America for a while now.

59
00:03:10,732 --> 00:03:13,359
It's been great. Uh... [inhales sharply]
There's so much stuff here.

60
00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:16,821
There's so much stuff in America.
There's so much abundance.

61
00:03:17,363 --> 00:03:19,657
It's hard to see
if you've been born and raised here,

62
00:03:19,741 --> 00:03:21,284
but when you come from somewhere else,

63
00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:24,621
it's so obvious the abundance
in this country.

64
00:03:24,704 --> 00:03:25,580
Out of control.

65
00:03:26,122 --> 00:03:27,415
So much stuff.

66
00:03:27,498 --> 00:03:29,083
Every day, new stuff.

67
00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:31,586
It's like Christmas every day.

68
00:03:31,753 --> 00:03:36,216
Hyperloops, electric cars, SpaceX,
robot vacuums,

69
00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:38,676
iPhone 8s and 10s at the same time.

70
00:03:38,843 --> 00:03:40,845
[audience laughs]

71
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:42,847
Can't even wait in America.

72
00:03:43,556 --> 00:03:46,476
We get the iPhone 8, and we're like,
"You know what? Fuck 8 and fuck 9.

73
00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:47,602
Ten. Let's go."

74
00:03:47,685 --> 00:03:49,187
[audience laughs]

75
00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:51,314
Just skipping iPhone models.

76
00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:54,442
So much stuff.
There's so much food in America.

77
00:03:54,525 --> 00:03:55,860
There's so much food, every...

78
00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:57,612
-[grunts]
-[audience laughs]

79
00:03:57,695 --> 00:04:00,031
Food. There's so much content.

80
00:04:00,114 --> 00:04:03,409
So much content. Oh, my gosh.
So much content on demand.

81
00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:04,744
So many screens.

82
00:04:04,827 --> 00:04:08,248
The most screens per capita in the world.

83
00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:11,167
Every night in America
is like a competition

84
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:14,504
to see how many screens we can get
between our face and the wall.

85
00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:16,214
[audience laughs]

86
00:04:16,547 --> 00:04:18,091
It's like, iPhone, iPad,

87
00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:19,509
laptop,

88
00:04:19,801 --> 00:04:21,219
TV... [exhales]

89
00:04:21,636 --> 00:04:22,804
...and an Apple Watch.

90
00:04:22,887 --> 00:04:24,931
Okay. Just maybe...

91
00:04:25,014 --> 00:04:26,557
[audience laughs]

92
00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:31,020
As many screens in a row
as I can get in front of my face.

93
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:34,482
I need a screen below my eyes
and a screen above my eyes.

94
00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:39,070
So when I look down and I look up,
I don't miss any of the action

95
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:43,032
in this <i>Game of Thrones</i> episode
that cost $30 million,

96
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:45,868
but for some reason, we couldn't
figure out how to adjust the contrast,

97
00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:47,578
and so everything is dark as fuck!

98
00:04:47,704 --> 00:04:49,706
[audience laughs and cheers]

99
00:04:53,918 --> 00:04:54,961
So much stuff.

100
00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:56,379
So much...

101
00:04:57,255 --> 00:04:58,589
So much packaging.

102
00:04:58,673 --> 00:05:01,301
Oh, my God! The packaging in America.

103
00:05:01,384 --> 00:05:03,094
Everything here is triple-bagged.

104
00:05:03,553 --> 00:05:05,847
Right? You order anything to eat
at any restaurant,

105
00:05:05,930 --> 00:05:07,432
they give you 50 napkins.

106
00:05:08,224 --> 00:05:09,767
You throw away 80.

107
00:05:09,934 --> 00:05:11,102
[audience laughs]

108
00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:14,522
Yeah, in America you throw away
more napkins than you took.

109
00:05:15,732 --> 00:05:17,692
Just breaking the laws of reality...

110
00:05:19,193 --> 00:05:20,611
with the abundance.

111
00:05:20,695 --> 00:05:24,324
Every restaurant you go to in America,
you just make it rain napkins every day.

112
00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:26,451
[audience laughs]

113
00:05:29,037 --> 00:05:30,705
A glass of water, five napkins.

114
00:05:30,872 --> 00:05:32,248
[audience laughs]

115
00:05:34,250 --> 00:05:36,419
Amazon Prime every day.

116
00:05:37,545 --> 00:05:39,464
Send that shit to my house every day.

117
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:41,758
Never leave your house.

118
00:05:42,425 --> 00:05:44,802
In America, never leave your house.

119
00:05:44,927 --> 00:05:46,054
[audience laughs]

120
00:05:46,429 --> 00:05:49,140
Land of the free
and land of never leaving your house.

121
00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:52,894
No item too trivial...

122
00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:56,814
no quantity too small...

123
00:05:58,941 --> 00:06:00,693
to be hand delivered

124
00:06:01,527 --> 00:06:03,654
into your home like an emperor.

125
00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:04,655
Anything.

126
00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:07,533
Anything in the world that comes to mind,

127
00:06:07,617 --> 00:06:11,704
any fleeting thought you have while drunk,
anything. Just...

128
00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:13,790
[grunts]

129
00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:15,083
"I want one pen."

130
00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:17,502
-[audience laughs]
-[grunting]

131
00:06:17,919 --> 00:06:20,963
"I want one. I don't want a box.
I want just one pen.

132
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:23,299
I want it in a box with some plastic.

133
00:06:23,758 --> 00:06:25,259
Throw some napkins in there...

134
00:06:27,345 --> 00:06:29,847
in another box, in a bigger box."

135
00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:36,979
Fifty million boxes flying across America
at all times.

136
00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:40,566
The airspace above America
is just Amazon Prime.

137
00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:44,487
Packaging just knocking into each other,

138
00:06:45,029 --> 00:06:47,281
like satellite debris, right?

139
00:06:47,365 --> 00:06:48,741
More, more Prime.

140
00:06:48,866 --> 00:06:50,326
Can't get enough Prime here.

141
00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:54,080
We need it, Prime.
We need Prime harder, faster, stronger.

142
00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:56,833
Faster Prime. Prime Now!

143
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:58,543
[audience laughs]

144
00:06:58,751 --> 00:07:01,379
Prime Now. Two-hour delivery.

145
00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:02,964
[audience laughs]

146
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:06,968
Prime Now. Give it to me now!

147
00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:11,472
When I press buy,
put the item in my hand...

148
00:07:11,597 --> 00:07:12,515
[audience laughs]

149
00:07:13,599 --> 00:07:15,059
[audience applauds]

150
00:07:15,726 --> 00:07:16,561
...now.

151
00:07:17,854 --> 00:07:19,772
In America, there should be no lag.

152
00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:21,566
Zero lag...

153
00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:24,152
between when I press the button

154
00:07:24,235 --> 00:07:28,322
and when the item is gently placed
into my hand. [breathes heavily]

155
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:31,325
So I can use it now.

156
00:07:32,493 --> 00:07:34,662
Oh, same-day delivery?

157
00:07:34,745 --> 00:07:37,081
[moans in agony]

158
00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:39,625
Un-American.

159
00:07:41,377 --> 00:07:46,382
Same-day? [retching]

160
00:07:47,008 --> 00:07:47,884
Now.

161
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:50,094
Prime Now.

162
00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:54,140
Break into my house...

163
00:07:54,265 --> 00:07:56,225
[audience laughs]

164
00:07:58,019 --> 00:08:00,980
...and put the food I ordered
in my mouth...

165
00:08:02,607 --> 00:08:04,275
and help me chew it!

166
00:08:05,651 --> 00:08:09,572
And then push it down
my esophagus with a stick. [pants]

167
00:08:09,655 --> 00:08:14,160
And then pull the feces out of my anus
for me now.

168
00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:19,290
It's like, where do we go from here...

169
00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:21,459
as a civilization?

170
00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:24,462
Like, how much more convenience
can we get?

171
00:08:24,545 --> 00:08:26,589
How much less energy can we use...

172
00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:29,884
to get what we want?

173
00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:33,304
Let's get Prime Before.

174
00:08:33,804 --> 00:08:35,806
[audience laughs]

175
00:08:36,265 --> 00:08:38,768
Send it to me before I want it!

176
00:08:38,893 --> 00:08:39,769
[audience laughs]

177
00:08:41,229 --> 00:08:43,397
It's 2019, I have to make a decision?

178
00:08:44,106 --> 00:08:45,775
Before you mail me what I buy?

179
00:08:46,150 --> 00:08:49,028
Use artificial intelligence...

180
00:08:49,445 --> 00:08:51,781
to substitute my own intelligence...

181
00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:54,617
so I can live my life.

182
00:08:55,743 --> 00:08:58,204
Send me everything I want
before I want it...

183
00:08:58,955 --> 00:09:01,040
in as many boxes as possible.

184
00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:04,293
So much packaging.

185
00:09:09,465 --> 00:09:12,635
But... yeah, very happy to be here.

186
00:09:12,718 --> 00:09:14,303
-Why do people come here?
-[audience applauds]

187
00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:15,930
No. Wait. Wait. Hang on. [laughs]

188
00:09:16,055 --> 00:09:17,598
Why do people come here? Why--

189
00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:20,059
Why do first-generation immigrants
come here?

190
00:09:20,142 --> 00:09:22,144
Because this is the best, right?

191
00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:23,437
This is the best.

192
00:09:24,021 --> 00:09:25,273
This is the NBA.

193
00:09:25,356 --> 00:09:26,232
[audience laughs]

194
00:09:26,315 --> 00:09:27,942
America is the NBA.

195
00:09:28,025 --> 00:09:30,778
Do guys know that?
You guys live in the NBA.

196
00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:33,739
In Asia, we think of America as the NBA.

197
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:37,493
It's where you go to be the best
at whatever you're doing.

198
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:41,414
You come here to do it with other people,
who are the best at what they're doing.

199
00:09:41,497 --> 00:09:45,042
Like, the Chinese name for America
is <i>mei guo.</i>

200
00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:49,505
That directly translates into English
as "beautiful country."

201
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:53,175
That's the Chinese name for America,
Beautiful Country.

202
00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:55,761
That's what we say
when we say America in sentences.

203
00:09:55,845 --> 00:09:57,013
We say Beautiful Country.

204
00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:59,599
"Have you been to Beautiful Country?

205
00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:02,143
They have unlimited napkins
in Beautiful Country."

206
00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:03,436
[audience laughs]

207
00:10:03,644 --> 00:10:05,771
"They don't give a fuck.
They don't even use it.

208
00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:07,815
They just take it
and then just throw it away.

209
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:10,484
It's a Beautiful Country."

210
00:10:10,568 --> 00:10:14,113
China in Chinese is <i>zhong guo.</i>
That means "middle country."

211
00:10:14,196 --> 00:10:15,197
It means nothing!

212
00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:16,824
[audience laughs]

213
00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:20,077
We named this place better
than we named our own shit!

214
00:10:20,244 --> 00:10:21,203
[audience laughs]

215
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:25,333
It's the Beautiful Country.
Let's go to the Beautiful Country.

216
00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:29,128
Let's leave the Middle Country.
Let's go to the Beautiful Country.

217
00:10:29,211 --> 00:10:33,257
Risk it all to start from scratch
in the Beautiful Country.

218
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:35,760
And then you finally come here,

219
00:10:35,843 --> 00:10:39,305
and everybody hates everything.

220
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,474
[audience laughs]

221
00:10:42,391 --> 00:10:44,352
[in American accent] "Verizon sucks."

222
00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:45,936
[audience laughs]

223
00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:48,773
[in American accent] "AT&T sucks.

224
00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:52,360
The TSA sucks.

225
00:10:53,110 --> 00:10:55,905
Fuck the TSA,
trying to keep everyone alive.

226
00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:56,947
Fuck that."

227
00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:58,991
[audience laughs and applauds]

228
00:10:59,742 --> 00:11:01,911
[in American accent]
"The New York subway sucks.

229
00:11:02,536 --> 00:11:04,872
Los Angeles traffic sucks.

230
00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:07,333
Statues suck.

231
00:11:07,625 --> 00:11:09,293
Standing sucks.

232
00:11:09,418 --> 00:11:10,836
Kneeling sucks."

233
00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:12,296
[audience laughs and cheers]

234
00:11:12,546 --> 00:11:14,048
[in American accent] "Congress sucks.

235
00:11:15,466 --> 00:11:16,967
Republicans suck.

236
00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:18,678
Democrats suck.

237
00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:20,763
Independents suck.

238
00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:22,390
Elon Musk sucks.

239
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:24,141
Netflix..."

240
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:26,394
Hm.

241
00:11:26,477 --> 00:11:30,106
[audience laughs and cheers]

242
00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:35,486
[in American accent]
"All right, Netflix is all right."

243
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:38,864
We got one right. Netflix is all right.

244
00:11:40,741 --> 00:11:43,911
-But Netflix on the iPad sucks!"
-[audience laughs]

245
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:48,708
[in American accent]
"It's an un-intuitive interface.

246
00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:53,963
You can't download offline viewing
for every show unless it's original,

247
00:11:54,046 --> 00:11:58,759
and I can't watch it on the plane
when I fly through the air like a god."

248
00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:00,428
[retching]

249
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,388
"Prime Now!" [retching]

250
00:12:02,471 --> 00:12:04,598
[audience laughs and cheers]

251
00:12:05,224 --> 00:12:07,309
All these first world allergies. [laughs]

252
00:12:08,811 --> 00:12:11,313
Everyone fighting to come in here.
Everyone in here bitching.

253
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:12,648
Doesn't make any sense.

254
00:12:13,149 --> 00:12:15,234
It's been great traveling around
all over America.

255
00:12:15,317 --> 00:12:16,318
I have the best job ever.

256
00:12:16,402 --> 00:12:19,447
I get paid to travel
around all of America.

257
00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:21,115
Try to make people laugh,

258
00:12:21,198 --> 00:12:22,658
meet real human beings.

259
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,034
Not just Russian bots.

260
00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:26,036
-Right? It's the best.
-[audience laughs]

261
00:12:26,203 --> 00:12:28,581
It's a real privilege
to get to see all of...

262
00:12:29,206 --> 00:12:31,000
this huge country.

263
00:12:31,083 --> 00:12:33,294
And I think outside of America,

264
00:12:33,377 --> 00:12:35,755
we think of America as like a monolith.

265
00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:38,883
Right? Like America, Americans,
like one entity.

266
00:12:38,966 --> 00:12:41,844
But you live here long enough,
you realize it's such a big country.

267
00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:45,347
Every state is like its own nation
unto itself.

268
00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:47,266
Their own cuisine,
their own way of talking,

269
00:12:47,349 --> 00:12:49,143
their own values, their own flags.

270
00:12:49,226 --> 00:12:50,811
That's why there's so much division here.

271
00:12:50,895 --> 00:12:52,980
It's all these different countries
trying to federate.

272
00:12:53,063 --> 00:12:55,191
It becomes so obvious
once you start living here.

273
00:12:55,274 --> 00:12:58,110
You can tell the difference
between the different types of Americans,

274
00:12:58,194 --> 00:12:59,195
the different energies.

275
00:12:59,278 --> 00:13:00,738
Right? From East Coast to West Coast.

276
00:13:00,821 --> 00:13:02,323
It's so obvious. You can call it out.

277
00:13:02,406 --> 00:13:05,117
Like, East Coast Americans, super intense.

278
00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:09,163
Right? West Coast,
everyone calms the fuck down a bit.

279
00:13:09,246 --> 00:13:11,290
-[audience cheering and laughing]
-Yeah.

280
00:13:11,373 --> 00:13:13,292
-Yeah.
-[cheering continues]

281
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:17,880
Yeah, it's like the East Coast of America,
everyone's still fighting the British.

282
00:13:18,005 --> 00:13:19,465
[audience laughs]

283
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:21,342
It's like they never got over it.

284
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,261
Every day in New York, without fail,
it's just like...

285
00:13:24,678 --> 00:13:27,264
[pants] "Fuck. I'm walking here! Fuck!"

286
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:28,724
[audience laughs]

287
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,726
It's like genetic PTSD, right?

288
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:32,728
From <i>Assassin's Creed.</i>

289
00:13:33,938 --> 00:13:36,273
And then you move west,
and people calm the fuck down a bit.

290
00:13:36,357 --> 00:13:39,109
And it's reflected in state mottoes
of every state.

291
00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:41,487
The attitudes of the people
from that state

292
00:13:41,570 --> 00:13:43,113
reflected in the state motto.

293
00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:46,408
East Coast state mottoes, super intense.

294
00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:49,453
Because that shit was forged
in the heat of battle.

295
00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:54,458
So the Revolution is forever imprinted
into the makeup of those people, right?

296
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:56,585
Like the state motto
of an East Coast state...

297
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,254
Like the state motto of New Hampshire

298
00:13:58,963 --> 00:14:01,924
is "Live Free or Die."

299
00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:04,093
[audience laughs]

300
00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:08,973
That's a very intense state motto.

301
00:14:09,265 --> 00:14:10,933
[audience laughs]

302
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:13,686
All right, if you're from New Hampshire,
and you're living there,

303
00:14:13,769 --> 00:14:16,313
at some point,
you have to start questioning...

304
00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:19,525
"Hey, how far do we take this?
All right? Because...

305
00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:23,404
Because I'm feeling a little imprisoned
by this post office line right now,

306
00:14:23,487 --> 00:14:24,363
and I don't know, man.

307
00:14:24,446 --> 00:14:26,699
[yelling] Maybe I should live up
to our state motto here!"

308
00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:27,741
[audience laughs]

309
00:14:29,577 --> 00:14:33,747
Or like the state motto
of Pennsylvania or Massachusetts.

310
00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:36,709
It's like another East Coast state,
it's like something in Latin.

311
00:14:36,792 --> 00:14:39,378
Like, "Liberty, but only by the sword,
or I'll chop your head off."

312
00:14:39,461 --> 00:14:42,214
It's like <i>Game of Thrones </i>book titles.

313
00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:44,341
It's a dead language.
I'm paraphrasing, right?

314
00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:47,595
Then you move west,
and people calm the fuck down a bit.

315
00:14:47,678 --> 00:14:50,472
Like, you move southwest to Tennessee,

316
00:14:51,223 --> 00:14:53,475
and the state motto of Tennessee...

317
00:14:54,184 --> 00:14:57,563
is "Agriculture and Commerce."

318
00:14:57,688 --> 00:14:59,690
[audience laughs]

319
00:15:02,526 --> 00:15:04,445
Compared to "Live Free or Die"...

320
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:06,155
[audience laughs]

321
00:15:06,530 --> 00:15:09,533
"Agriculture and Commerce"
isn't even a call to action.

322
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,744
[audience laughs]

323
00:15:12,036 --> 00:15:15,247
Like, it's not even,
"Let's <i>do</i> agriculture and commerce."

324
00:15:15,539 --> 00:15:17,082
[audience laughs]

325
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,501
There's no verb in that motto.

326
00:15:20,669 --> 00:15:23,088
Do you understand?
It means there's no action word.

327
00:15:23,547 --> 00:15:26,175
So the sentence has no direction.
It's just concepts.

328
00:15:28,218 --> 00:15:29,637
It's like everyone got to Tennessee,

329
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:32,514
and they were like,
"Oh, my God! The sun here is awesome!

330
00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:36,977
Yeah, agriculture and... [clears throat]
...commerce. Yeah, figure it out.

331
00:15:37,603 --> 00:15:38,604
But not today."

332
00:15:40,022 --> 00:15:42,399
Then you move further west,
southwest to Texas.

333
00:15:42,816 --> 00:15:45,152
Right? And the state motto of Texas is...

334
00:15:45,694 --> 00:15:47,905
Anybody here know the state motto
of Texas, by any chance?

335
00:15:47,988 --> 00:15:49,740
I won't make fun of you
if you get it wrong.

336
00:15:50,157 --> 00:15:52,451
"Lone Star State"?
Good guess. That's wrong.

337
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:53,786
[audience laughs]

338
00:15:54,119 --> 00:15:55,746
-Anyone else?
-[woman] "Don't tread on me!"

339
00:15:55,829 --> 00:15:57,873
"Don't tread on me"?
Great guess. That's wrong.

340
00:15:57,998 --> 00:15:59,333
[audience laughs]

341
00:16:00,042 --> 00:16:02,378
"Remember the Alamo"?
Bad guess. That's wrong.

342
00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:03,796
[audience laughs]

343
00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:08,217
You're going to let this fucking foreigner
teach you about your country? All right.

344
00:16:08,717 --> 00:16:10,302
Your President's not going to like that.

345
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:12,096
But that's the energy, right?

346
00:16:12,179 --> 00:16:15,432
What? "Grab your guns."
"Don't fuck with Texas."

347
00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:16,767
"Don't mess with Texas."

348
00:16:16,850 --> 00:16:19,144
"Everything's bigger in Texas."
"Build the wall."

349
00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:20,104
"Fuck your mom."

350
00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:22,398
[audience laughs]

351
00:16:23,023 --> 00:16:25,734
No, the state motto of Texas

352
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:27,194
is "Friendship."

353
00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:32,241
[audience laughs and applauds]

354
00:16:34,952 --> 00:16:37,371
Yo, the state motto of Texas,

355
00:16:37,454 --> 00:16:38,872
it's the opposite...

356
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:42,584
of every commonly held
connotation of the state.

357
00:16:43,460 --> 00:16:45,671
That's a major failing
on the PR department...

358
00:16:47,047 --> 00:16:49,925
of the state of Texas,
to get your messaging that wrong.

359
00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:52,720
Everyone thinks it's "Go fuck yourself."
It's "Friendship."

360
00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:54,221
[audience laughs]

361
00:16:54,638 --> 00:16:56,807
That's 180 degrees off-message.

362
00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:00,853
That's how chilled out they were.

363
00:17:00,936 --> 00:17:03,605
When they got to Texas,
they were like, "Friendship!"

364
00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:05,149
And then you get to California,

365
00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:08,068
and the state motto of California
is "Eureka!"

366
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:09,194
"We made it!

367
00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:11,363
We're as far from the British
as we can get.

368
00:17:11,447 --> 00:17:13,073
Fuck those assholes.

369
00:17:13,157 --> 00:17:16,326
Legalize weed, make movies,
do whatever the fuck you want!

370
00:17:17,786 --> 00:17:19,538
Manifest destiny!"

371
00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:24,293
[audience laughs and cheers]

372
00:17:24,376 --> 00:17:27,796
Yeah, it's been great meeting
the different types of Americans as well.

373
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:32,009
Um, think of every... the different races,
different ethnicities, different cities,

374
00:17:32,092 --> 00:17:33,177
all different people.

375
00:17:33,260 --> 00:17:34,803
Of all the Americans I've met,

376
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:39,975
I think African-Americans have got to be
the coolest race of them all, right?

377
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,518
[audience cheers]

378
00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:43,812
They're the coolest.
Everything they do is just cooler.

379
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:46,356
Everything they touch is just smoother,
right?

380
00:17:47,483 --> 00:17:51,445
Sports, science, music, presidencies.
Right? Everything they do.

381
00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:54,490
-[audience cheers and applauds]
-Yo.

382
00:17:54,573 --> 00:17:56,575
[cheers and applause continue]

383
00:17:57,117 --> 00:17:58,368
They got the swag.

384
00:17:58,952 --> 00:18:00,662
Black people have the swag.

385
00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:03,248
You cannot deny the swag.

386
00:18:04,124 --> 00:18:05,292
Black people have the swag.

387
00:18:05,375 --> 00:18:07,628
Even white supremacists are like,
"Yeah, they have swag."

388
00:18:07,795 --> 00:18:09,171
[audience laughs]

389
00:18:09,546 --> 00:18:11,507
It's like undeniable coolness.

390
00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:16,470
Like, black people are so cool,
they can own their own racial slur.

391
00:18:17,221 --> 00:18:18,555
Okay? That's how cool they are.

392
00:18:18,639 --> 00:18:23,143
No other minority in America
is cool enough to own their own slur.

393
00:18:24,144 --> 00:18:26,647
All right, you never see Chinese people
walking around just going,

394
00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:29,024
"Hey, yo. Hey, yo, my chinks."

395
00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:30,567
[audience laughs]

396
00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:33,487
"Yo, where my chinks at?

397
00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:36,990
Yo, holler at me, chinks."

398
00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:38,325
[audience cheers]

399
00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:39,576
"My chinks.

400
00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:43,747
Hey, stay yellow my fellows. What."

401
00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:45,374
[audience laughs]

402
00:18:47,584 --> 00:18:48,669
Sounds awful.

403
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:52,381
It's like nails on a chalkboard.

404
00:18:52,464 --> 00:18:55,217
[squeakily]
"My chinks! My chinks! My chinks!"

405
00:18:58,762 --> 00:18:59,763
I think...

406
00:19:00,430 --> 00:19:03,475
America is very politically divided
right now, right? A lot of things here.

407
00:19:04,643 --> 00:19:07,604
No matter what topic you bring up,
you reduce it down to politics a lot,

408
00:19:07,688 --> 00:19:09,606
which eventually gets
reduced down to race.

409
00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:11,775
I think we can all do
with taking a step back from race

410
00:19:11,859 --> 00:19:14,069
every once in a while
and just talk as human beings.

411
00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:15,154
And let me just tell you,

412
00:19:15,237 --> 00:19:17,156
I think we need
more Asian people in this country.

413
00:19:17,239 --> 00:19:18,740
-[audience cheers]
-There's not enough.

414
00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:20,951
There's not enough.

415
00:19:22,744 --> 00:19:23,704
There's not enough.

416
00:19:23,787 --> 00:19:26,039
Right now,
we're like 5.6% of the population.

417
00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:27,708
Okay? We need to get the number right up.

418
00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:32,212
Need more Asian people in this country.

419
00:19:32,296 --> 00:19:33,338
I'll tell you why.

420
00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:36,633
Because we are
the only objective referees...

421
00:19:36,967 --> 00:19:38,802
[audience laughs]

422
00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:41,180
...in the ongoing race war...

423
00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:44,433
between white and black people.

424
00:19:45,642 --> 00:19:47,436
Okay? Because you don't care about us...

425
00:19:48,353 --> 00:19:49,938
and we don't care about either of you.

426
00:19:50,063 --> 00:19:55,027
[audience laughs and applauds]

427
00:19:55,569 --> 00:19:56,695
So you can trust us.

428
00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:01,074
When we tell you things,
there's no bias, right? There's no agenda.

429
00:20:01,158 --> 00:20:03,327
We just give it to you straight
because we don't care.

430
00:20:03,410 --> 00:20:04,453
[audience laughs]

431
00:20:04,536 --> 00:20:07,414
Like, lately, there's been
a lot of skirmishes in America.

432
00:20:07,497 --> 00:20:10,334
Right? White people calling the police
on black people

433
00:20:10,417 --> 00:20:13,503
for very innocuous activity,
like barbecuing in the park.

434
00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:15,214
[audience laughs]

435
00:20:16,298 --> 00:20:17,966
Or like entering their own homes.

436
00:20:18,175 --> 00:20:20,177
[audience laughs]

437
00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:24,264
So, yo, next time you feel aggrieved,
don't call the police.

438
00:20:24,973 --> 00:20:25,891
Call the Asians.

439
00:20:25,974 --> 00:20:27,351
[audience laughs]

440
00:20:27,434 --> 00:20:30,604
We will come in and arbitrate
any situation for you...

441
00:20:31,521 --> 00:20:33,398
impartially and without bias.

442
00:20:34,524 --> 00:20:35,817
Because we don't care.

443
00:20:36,818 --> 00:20:39,571
Like, if you called us into Starbucks
that day, we'd be like...

444
00:20:40,572 --> 00:20:43,408
"Yo, these two black guys?
They're just sitting down drinking coffee.

445
00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:45,535
Why don't you drink your latte
and shut the fuck up?"

446
00:20:45,702 --> 00:20:47,246
[audience laughs and cheers]

447
00:20:47,496 --> 00:20:48,497
Yeah.

448
00:20:48,664 --> 00:20:50,666
[laughter and cheering continues]

449
00:20:51,041 --> 00:20:52,960
And you can trust us
because we don't care.

450
00:20:54,044 --> 00:20:56,004
Because our skin is not in the game.

451
00:20:56,296 --> 00:20:58,298
[audience laughs]

452
00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:02,177
Literally, NFL, NBA, our skin is in none
of those games, all right?

453
00:21:02,302 --> 00:21:03,637
[audience laughs]

454
00:21:04,304 --> 00:21:05,931
So we don't give a fuck...

455
00:21:06,723 --> 00:21:08,475
who's kneeling at what, okay?

456
00:21:08,558 --> 00:21:12,062
I don't care about your fantasy football
draft analysis.

457
00:21:12,354 --> 00:21:14,523
We just want shit to work.

458
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:18,652
Asian people in America
just want shit to work.

459
00:21:18,735 --> 00:21:22,656
We're not distracted by the spectacle
of show business.

460
00:21:22,739 --> 00:21:25,492
We just want things to work
so we give it to you straight.

461
00:21:25,575 --> 00:21:27,160
You can trust us...

462
00:21:27,744 --> 00:21:28,912
to tell you the truth.

463
00:21:29,371 --> 00:21:32,207
-Okay? Okay, yeah.
-[audience cheers and applauds]

464
00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:34,835
Ugly truths, but truths nonetheless.

465
00:21:35,544 --> 00:21:36,795
Like, yo, white people...

466
00:21:37,337 --> 00:21:38,380
Yo...

467
00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:40,924
"Bohemian Rhapsody" sucks.

468
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:43,343
[audience laughs]

469
00:21:43,427 --> 00:21:46,596
Right? It's a fucking un-danceable song.

470
00:21:48,724 --> 00:21:52,477
For the love of God, stop gathering
in circles and chanting it at parties.

471
00:21:52,686 --> 00:21:53,979
[audience laughs]

472
00:21:54,313 --> 00:21:57,566
Okay? If you must,
keep it to your shower, okay?

473
00:21:57,649 --> 00:21:59,359
No hatred. There's no hatred here.

474
00:22:00,527 --> 00:22:02,988
It's just information, okay?
Just putting it out there.

475
00:22:04,823 --> 00:22:06,241
Take it or leave it. I...

476
00:22:07,409 --> 00:22:09,953
We give it both ways, okay?
We give it both ways.

477
00:22:10,245 --> 00:22:11,663
Yo, black people...

478
00:22:11,747 --> 00:22:13,665
Yo, a little noisy in the movie theater.

479
00:22:13,749 --> 00:22:16,960
Okay, again, no hatred.
There's no hatred here.

480
00:22:17,502 --> 00:22:20,047
It's just solutions. That's all we offer.

481
00:22:21,465 --> 00:22:23,133
Both your people, solutions.

482
00:22:24,009 --> 00:22:25,510
Nothing more, nothing less.

483
00:22:27,137 --> 00:22:29,598
We need an Asian President, man,
I'm telling you. Yeah.

484
00:22:29,806 --> 00:22:32,392
-[audience cheers]
-Yeah.

485
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:36,563
Man or woman. Man or woman.

486
00:22:36,646 --> 00:22:38,690
Get that Asian President
in the White House.

487
00:22:38,774 --> 00:22:40,525
We will fix this shit in a week.

488
00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:42,652
[audience laughs]

489
00:22:42,736 --> 00:22:46,281
I promise you, give us a solid eight days,
you will see results,

490
00:22:47,074 --> 00:22:49,659
because we don't care.
We just want things to work.

491
00:22:49,826 --> 00:22:53,663
Imagine harnessing the power
of Asian people in government.

492
00:22:53,747 --> 00:22:55,874
[imitates explosion] Oh, my God.

493
00:22:55,957 --> 00:22:57,417
[audience laughs]

494
00:22:57,542 --> 00:23:00,754
All the Asians in government just going
down the list of broken things,

495
00:23:00,837 --> 00:23:03,840
fixing it one-by-one with no agenda.

496
00:23:03,924 --> 00:23:06,301
Just pure logic, right?

497
00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:09,304
-[audience laughs, cheers, and applauds]
-Just...

498
00:23:11,765 --> 00:23:14,267
Just going down the list,
"Live long and prosper."

499
00:23:14,726 --> 00:23:16,853
"That's fine, that works,
that's pretty good,

500
00:23:16,937 --> 00:23:18,438
separation of powers is awesome,

501
00:23:18,522 --> 00:23:20,357
that works most of the time,
that's okay,

502
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:22,150
that's okay, that's fucked, that's fucked,

503
00:23:22,234 --> 00:23:25,278
Environmental Protection Agency's fucked,
Medicare's fucked...

504
00:23:25,362 --> 00:23:26,822
Do your fucking job!"

505
00:23:26,905 --> 00:23:29,116
Just slapping people in the face.

506
00:23:31,451 --> 00:23:34,830
Right? Every nine months in this country,
there's, like, a congressional gridlock.

507
00:23:34,913 --> 00:23:37,165
Right? Everyone always threatening
a government shutdown.

508
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:38,208
Government shutdown?

509
00:23:38,291 --> 00:23:40,961
Yo, there's no government shutdown
with Asian people in charge.

510
00:23:41,044 --> 00:23:42,379
[audience laughs]

511
00:23:42,462 --> 00:23:44,423
We don't shut down for anything.

512
00:23:44,506 --> 00:23:48,260
[audience laughs and applauds]

513
00:23:48,343 --> 00:23:51,179
Yo, we don't shut down for Christmas,
do you understand?

514
00:23:51,304 --> 00:23:53,306
[audience cheers]

515
00:23:54,141 --> 00:23:55,851
We work through public holidays.

516
00:23:56,351 --> 00:23:59,855
Any city in America, when it's 3:00 a.m.,
and you're hungry, where do you go?

517
00:23:59,938 --> 00:24:02,524
-You go to Chinatown. That's where you go.
-[audience laughs]

518
00:24:02,649 --> 00:24:05,193
Because things are affordable, delicious,
and open.

519
00:24:06,403 --> 00:24:08,447
Does that sound like a country
you want to live in?

520
00:24:08,947 --> 00:24:10,782
We don't shut down for anything.

521
00:24:11,450 --> 00:24:14,494
Thanksgiving means nothing to me.

522
00:24:14,578 --> 00:24:17,956
[audience cheers and applauds]

523
00:24:19,916 --> 00:24:22,294
Do you have any idea how meaningless

524
00:24:22,836 --> 00:24:25,172
the concept of Thanksgiving is to me?

525
00:24:26,381 --> 00:24:27,966
Fuck turkey. It's dry.

526
00:24:28,258 --> 00:24:33,847
[audience laughs and cheers]

527
00:24:35,891 --> 00:24:38,685
Yeah, I'd rather fix healthcare
than eat turkey. How about that?

528
00:24:39,561 --> 00:24:40,979
Is that someone you want to charge?

529
00:24:41,062 --> 00:24:43,648
Please, vote for the Asians
when you get a chance.

530
00:24:43,732 --> 00:24:45,859
We'll work while you're eating.

531
00:24:46,109 --> 00:24:48,111
[audience laughs]

532
00:24:49,946 --> 00:24:52,824
And we got the votes, Asian people.
We got the votes, man.

533
00:24:52,908 --> 00:24:55,869
I'm telling you, everyone, they want us.
We just need to corral it.

534
00:24:56,161 --> 00:24:57,120
Everybody loves us.

535
00:24:57,204 --> 00:25:00,957
Jewish people will vote for us,
because, like I just said,

536
00:25:01,041 --> 00:25:03,960
we're the only ones
that cook for them during Christmas, okay?

537
00:25:04,711 --> 00:25:06,421
They're already loving the flavors.

538
00:25:07,797 --> 00:25:10,050
Italians and Greek people will vote
for us,

539
00:25:10,133 --> 00:25:12,802
because we have a shared culture
of family-based food activities.

540
00:25:12,886 --> 00:25:14,262
Also, we beat our children.

541
00:25:14,429 --> 00:25:16,431
[audience laughs]

542
00:25:18,975 --> 00:25:20,227
We know what it takes...

543
00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:23,146
to make good people.

544
00:25:26,816 --> 00:25:29,528
Black people...
Black people will vote for us,

545
00:25:29,611 --> 00:25:32,072
because we're not white, right? [laughs]

546
00:25:32,155 --> 00:25:35,492
[audience laughs and applauds]

547
00:25:37,536 --> 00:25:41,414
I'm not saying it's automatic, okay?
I'm just saying, all things equal...

548
00:25:42,249 --> 00:25:44,626
they're gonna go with the not white,
but it's the tiebreaker.

549
00:25:44,709 --> 00:25:46,127
That's what I'm trying to say, okay?

550
00:25:46,211 --> 00:25:48,797
Don't take it for granted.
You still gotta work for the black vote,

551
00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:51,174
but if you get the overtime,
you have the advantage. Right?

552
00:25:51,258 --> 00:25:52,342
[audience laughs]

553
00:25:52,425 --> 00:25:54,052
Uh, and that's... [chuckles]

554
00:25:54,219 --> 00:25:57,180
And Latinos and Indian people
will vote for us.

555
00:25:57,264 --> 00:25:58,807
-[woman whoops]
-Yeah, because we...

556
00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:01,226
Pfft. I don't know.
We have rice in our cuisine.

557
00:26:01,309 --> 00:26:03,645
-Okay, I don't know.
-[audience laughs]

558
00:26:03,728 --> 00:26:05,105
I don't have all the answers.

559
00:26:06,606 --> 00:26:08,149
I'm just saying there's something there.

560
00:26:10,318 --> 00:26:12,362
Also, we beat our children.
Really, really...

561
00:26:13,822 --> 00:26:16,950
Really, the beating of the children
is that thing that unites...

562
00:26:17,367 --> 00:26:20,996
most of the races into the fist
that beats the children.

563
00:26:22,455 --> 00:26:24,583
And think of how inspirational
that would be

564
00:26:24,666 --> 00:26:26,126
if we have the first Asian President.

565
00:26:26,209 --> 00:26:28,378
What an inspirational message
that would send

566
00:26:28,461 --> 00:26:30,255
to Asian children everywhere in America.

567
00:26:30,338 --> 00:26:33,425
If we have the first Asian President,
you could go up to Asian children,

568
00:26:33,508 --> 00:26:35,760
anywhere in America, you can finally say,

569
00:26:35,844 --> 00:26:36,886
"Hey, listen, buddy.

570
00:26:37,470 --> 00:26:39,014
You don't have to be...

571
00:26:40,098 --> 00:26:42,309
just a neurosurgeon." [sobs]

572
00:26:42,392 --> 00:26:46,354
[audience laughs and applauds]

573
00:26:46,438 --> 00:26:47,397
[sobs]

574
00:26:48,565 --> 00:26:51,234
[crying] "The sky is... Sky's the limit!

575
00:26:52,569 --> 00:26:54,571
There is no bamboo ceiling!

576
00:26:55,155 --> 00:26:58,700
If you shut up and work even harder...
You fucking piece of shit."

577
00:26:58,867 --> 00:27:00,410
[audience laughs]

578
00:27:01,036 --> 00:27:02,579
You gotta get behind that message.

579
00:27:03,121 --> 00:27:04,623
It's such a weird stereotype

580
00:27:05,248 --> 00:27:07,292
to have associated with your ethnicity.

581
00:27:07,751 --> 00:27:12,005
Right? That stereotype of Asian parents
wanting their kids to be doctors.

582
00:27:12,422 --> 00:27:15,717
Right? It's such a weird thing to have
on your race.

583
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:17,677
Like, what is that?
Is that good? Is that bad?

584
00:27:17,761 --> 00:27:20,555
I thought it was a good thing.
Apparently, it's worthy of mockery.

585
00:27:20,639 --> 00:27:21,848
Right?

586
00:27:21,973 --> 00:27:23,767
Asian parents wanting
their kids to be doctors.

587
00:27:23,850 --> 00:27:25,435
It's weird because it's true.

588
00:27:25,518 --> 00:27:27,646
Right? I know because my parents
were the same way.

589
00:27:27,729 --> 00:27:30,148
They just wanted us to be doctors.
It was like this obsession.

590
00:27:30,231 --> 00:27:31,608
They just wanted us to be doctors.

591
00:27:31,691 --> 00:27:34,027
And it's insidious as well,

592
00:27:34,110 --> 00:27:37,530
because when Asian parents
want their kids to be doctors,

593
00:27:38,156 --> 00:27:41,701
helping people is, like,
on the bottom of the list of reasons.

594
00:27:41,785 --> 00:27:46,206
[audience laughs applauds]

595
00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:52,962
Oh, if it even makes the list...
of reasons to go into medicine.

596
00:27:53,046 --> 00:27:55,882
Helping people is, like,
the unfortunate by-product...

597
00:27:55,965 --> 00:27:57,634
[audience laughs]

598
00:27:58,468 --> 00:28:00,428
of becoming a healthcare professional.

599
00:28:01,054 --> 00:28:03,348
Like, when they first see that
they can't even believe it.

600
00:28:03,431 --> 00:28:05,600
They're like, "What the fuck?
You gotta help people?

601
00:28:06,351 --> 00:28:08,311
Well, whatever, get it out of the way.

602
00:28:09,437 --> 00:28:13,358
But don't let it get in the way
of what this is really about.

603
00:28:13,441 --> 00:28:15,777
It's about the money
and the prestige, right?"

604
00:28:16,945 --> 00:28:18,863
It's the money and the prestige.

605
00:28:18,947 --> 00:28:21,408
Because if you're
a first-generation immigrant,

606
00:28:21,491 --> 00:28:24,619
your children becoming doctors
is the quickest way

607
00:28:24,703 --> 00:28:27,372
you can turn it around in one generation.

608
00:28:27,455 --> 00:28:30,792
Instant credibility,
instant respectability, instant money.

609
00:28:30,875 --> 00:28:33,336
Right? You flip the clan narrative around.
Boom!

610
00:28:33,461 --> 00:28:35,880
Started from the bottom, now we here.
We're doctors! [laughs]

611
00:28:36,005 --> 00:28:37,632
[audience laughs]

612
00:28:38,007 --> 00:28:42,303
And it's also weird because Asian parents
are also the last group of people

613
00:28:42,387 --> 00:28:44,097
you can ever convince to see a doctor.

614
00:28:44,431 --> 00:28:49,686
[audience laughs, cheers, and applauds]

615
00:28:49,769 --> 00:28:52,772
Yo, these fucking people
will never see a doctor.

616
00:28:53,898 --> 00:28:55,859
They spend their whole lives
obsessing over it.

617
00:28:55,942 --> 00:28:58,069
Nothing can make my mom see a doctor.
There's nothing...

618
00:28:58,153 --> 00:29:01,072
My mom can have an arrow
going right through her. [pants]

619
00:29:01,156 --> 00:29:03,450
And she's trying to pull it out
like Rambo, right?

620
00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:06,119
And you're like, "Yo, Mom,
let's go see a doctor."

621
00:29:06,202 --> 00:29:08,288
And my mom will be like, "No.

622
00:29:08,371 --> 00:29:10,123
They just want to take people's money."

623
00:29:10,248 --> 00:29:15,044
[audience laughs and applauds]

624
00:29:15,754 --> 00:29:19,048
Then you're like, "Then why do you want
your kids to be doctors so badly?"

625
00:29:19,507 --> 00:29:23,052
[strained] "Because I want my kids
to take other people's money, obviously!"

626
00:29:24,095 --> 00:29:26,389
[pants]
"The fact that you don't understand that

627
00:29:26,473 --> 00:29:29,142
is the reason
why you never became a doctor."

628
00:29:29,225 --> 00:29:30,977
-[groans]
-[audience laughs]

629
00:29:34,856 --> 00:29:36,900
Because Chinese people love money.

630
00:29:38,359 --> 00:29:39,527
We love that shit.

631
00:29:40,195 --> 00:29:43,072
Chinese people fucking love money.

632
00:29:43,406 --> 00:29:45,283
Okay? You think rappers love money?

633
00:29:45,366 --> 00:29:46,534
Yo, we love money...

634
00:29:46,701 --> 00:29:48,328
[audience laughs]

635
00:29:48,578 --> 00:29:49,704
...more than anyone.

636
00:29:49,788 --> 00:29:52,832
Chinese people love everything about it.
We love making it, love spending it,

637
00:29:52,916 --> 00:29:55,794
we love giving it, we love receiving it,
we love throwing it up in the air.

638
00:29:55,877 --> 00:29:59,130
Yo, Chinese people love money so much,

639
00:29:59,756 --> 00:30:01,424
we have a god of money.

640
00:30:01,591 --> 00:30:03,259
[audience laughs]

641
00:30:03,551 --> 00:30:07,138
Of all the gods in Chinese Taoism,
there's one god, he's the god of money.

642
00:30:07,222 --> 00:30:09,098
<i>Caishenye,</i> we pray to him...

643
00:30:10,725 --> 00:30:11,768
for more money!

644
00:30:13,436 --> 00:30:15,355
Every day, we go, "Hey, god of money..."

645
00:30:16,940 --> 00:30:18,942
[audience laughs]

646
00:30:19,108 --> 00:30:20,109
"...give us more money."

647
00:30:21,277 --> 00:30:22,654
And he gives us more money.

648
00:30:24,155 --> 00:30:26,574
Very fickle god.
Doesn't care about inflation, right?

649
00:30:27,450 --> 00:30:30,495
No understanding of basic principles
of macroeconomics, just...

650
00:30:30,620 --> 00:30:34,207
Just throwing out gold ingots
if you ask for it at the right time.

651
00:30:34,290 --> 00:30:37,669
"Here's some money. Burn some incense.
Here's some money, man."

652
00:30:39,128 --> 00:30:40,588
Even during Chinese New Year,

653
00:30:41,381 --> 00:30:44,634
the biggest holiday for Chinese people,
Chinese New Year,

654
00:30:44,717 --> 00:30:47,595
when we see each other
during Chinese New Year,

655
00:30:47,679 --> 00:30:51,516
the way we greet each other
is we say, <i>"gong xi fa cai,"</i>

656
00:30:51,599 --> 00:30:53,768
or <i>"gong hei fat choy"</i> in Cantonese.

657
00:30:53,852 --> 00:30:57,939
I'm sure you've heard that,
at least peripherally, <i>"Gong xi fa cai."</i>

658
00:30:58,022 --> 00:31:00,733
<i>Gong xi fa cai </i>means, "Hope you get rich!"

659
00:31:00,900 --> 00:31:02,902
[audience laughs]

660
00:31:04,487 --> 00:31:07,532
[audience cheers and applauds]

661
00:31:08,032 --> 00:31:09,993
That's not "Happy New Year."

662
00:31:10,201 --> 00:31:12,203
[audience laughs]

663
00:31:15,164 --> 00:31:19,168
Do you understand, the go-to phrase
during Chinese New Year

664
00:31:19,252 --> 00:31:21,087
isn't, "Hey, happy New Year."

665
00:31:21,170 --> 00:31:23,006
It's, "Yo, hope you get rich."

666
00:31:23,131 --> 00:31:24,340
[audience laughs]

667
00:31:24,424 --> 00:31:27,343
"Hope you get rich. Hope you get richer
than all these other motherfuckers.

668
00:31:27,427 --> 00:31:29,137
Hope you get so fucking rich, man.

669
00:31:29,220 --> 00:31:31,598
Hope you get rich and also hope...
You better hope I get rich.

670
00:31:31,681 --> 00:31:34,851
We can hope each other...
Both get rich together."

671
00:31:35,018 --> 00:31:37,020
[audience laughs]

672
00:31:39,564 --> 00:31:40,481
[chuckles]

673
00:31:41,858 --> 00:31:44,819
Yeah, there's no context
for Asian storytelling...

674
00:31:46,321 --> 00:31:48,656
in America.
Like, I talk about a god of money here,

675
00:31:48,740 --> 00:31:51,326
everyone looks at me like
I'm a Scientologist. Right? He's real.

676
00:31:51,409 --> 00:31:53,578
-[audience laughs]
-He's real, man. Burn your incense.

677
00:31:54,203 --> 00:31:56,289
-Make some money.
-[audience laughs]

678
00:31:58,041 --> 00:32:02,253
Yeah, I moved to America
in September 2015,

679
00:32:02,337 --> 00:32:06,174
and I thought I got here
just in time for that last bit

680
00:32:06,507 --> 00:32:07,926
of Obama's America.

681
00:32:08,343 --> 00:32:12,472
Like, I thought I snuck in here for that
last lap of Obama's presidency

682
00:32:12,555 --> 00:32:14,974
and, like, this new golden age in America,

683
00:32:15,058 --> 00:32:20,021
and instead I got here
just in time for Donald Trump's America.

684
00:32:20,104 --> 00:32:22,065
That's like buying tickets to Beyoncé,

685
00:32:22,148 --> 00:32:24,734
and instead it's Donald Trump.

686
00:32:24,859 --> 00:32:26,361
[audience laughs]

687
00:32:33,618 --> 00:32:35,370
And you're expecting,
"All the single ladies,

688
00:32:35,453 --> 00:32:37,080
all the single ladies,
all the single ladies."

689
00:32:37,163 --> 00:32:41,042
But instead, it's the same hand
grabbing people by the pussy.

690
00:32:41,209 --> 00:32:43,211
[audience laughs]

691
00:32:43,670 --> 00:32:46,422
Single or married, it doesn't matter.
Coming for... [grunts]

692
00:32:46,506 --> 00:32:48,424
[audience laughs]

693
00:32:49,550 --> 00:32:52,387
Yeah, I moved...
Moved straight to New York City.

694
00:32:52,971 --> 00:32:54,263
Another dream come true for me,

695
00:32:54,347 --> 00:32:56,349
moving to New York City
as a stand-up comedian.

696
00:32:56,432 --> 00:32:58,685
New York City is like the Mecca.
It's like...

697
00:32:58,768 --> 00:33:01,521
You know, you can do, like,
ten shows a night, easy.

698
00:33:01,604 --> 00:33:03,481
All my comedy heroes
came from New York City.

699
00:33:03,564 --> 00:33:05,400
There's a real creative energy there.

700
00:33:06,025 --> 00:33:08,444
I've been lucky to live
in a few cities in my life.

701
00:33:08,528 --> 00:33:10,071
I used to live in Johor Bahru, Malaysia,

702
00:33:10,154 --> 00:33:12,907
I used to live in Singapore.
I used to live in Melbourne, Australia.

703
00:33:12,991 --> 00:33:15,618
New York City is the only city
I've lived in

704
00:33:15,702 --> 00:33:18,454
where people fight subway trains...

705
00:33:19,122 --> 00:33:20,164
and win.

706
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:24,127
[audience laughs and applauds]

707
00:33:24,836 --> 00:33:29,382
Like, any other city on the planet,
when the train doors start to close...

708
00:33:29,465 --> 00:33:30,466
Bee, beep, beep, beep.

709
00:33:30,591 --> 00:33:32,593
...that means that train is departed.

710
00:33:34,137 --> 00:33:37,432
Okay? You're supposed to shut up
and wait patiently for the next train.

711
00:33:39,851 --> 00:33:40,852
Oh, not in New York.

712
00:33:41,811 --> 00:33:45,148
In New York, if you can slip
a piece of paper in between those doors,

713
00:33:45,732 --> 00:33:47,525
one millimeter of space,
that's all you need.

714
00:33:47,608 --> 00:33:48,985
You got a fighting chance.

715
00:33:50,028 --> 00:33:51,237
People take it for granted now,

716
00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:53,448
strolling up to closing train doors
in New York,

717
00:33:53,531 --> 00:33:55,074
just uppercutting them in the...

718
00:33:55,199 --> 00:33:56,826
[audience laughs]

719
00:33:57,118 --> 00:34:00,329
...in that black rubber part,
like that's the personal open button

720
00:34:01,539 --> 00:34:02,832
for every commuter on the train.

721
00:34:02,915 --> 00:34:05,835
Just bam! "This train ain't leaving
till I get on board.

722
00:34:06,044 --> 00:34:07,587
Where's my ticket? Right here, buddy."

723
00:34:09,630 --> 00:34:11,549
Like, my first week in New York,

724
00:34:12,050 --> 00:34:15,136
uh, I was on this crowded subway train,

725
00:34:15,219 --> 00:34:17,555
and it was packed
all the way to the doors, right?

726
00:34:17,638 --> 00:34:19,724
I'm on the train,
packed all the way to the doors,

727
00:34:19,807 --> 00:34:21,976
and the doors start closing
in front of me.

728
00:34:22,393 --> 00:34:24,020
And as the doors start closing,

729
00:34:24,103 --> 00:34:26,522
this guy, like, walks up
to the closing train doors,

730
00:34:26,606 --> 00:34:28,608
-and just jams his fingers...
-[audience laughs]

731
00:34:29,525 --> 00:34:33,529
...just right into the door.
No regard for his limbs or appendages.

732
00:34:34,447 --> 00:34:39,202
Like, his need to get on this train
exceeded his need to grip things.

733
00:34:39,368 --> 00:34:40,953
[audience laughs]

734
00:34:43,748 --> 00:34:46,167
He did a cost-benefit analysis
in his head.

735
00:34:48,127 --> 00:34:50,379
And he was like,
"You know what? This is overrated.

736
00:34:50,755 --> 00:34:53,007
Right? Who needs this motion?

737
00:34:53,091 --> 00:34:55,426
Who needs this point
of articulation, right?

738
00:34:55,510 --> 00:34:57,595
Let's get on this train.
My life will be perfect."

739
00:34:57,678 --> 00:35:00,139
So, he just creates enough of a gap
to start fighting,

740
00:35:00,223 --> 00:35:02,850
and he fights this train
for eight seconds.

741
00:35:02,934 --> 00:35:05,019
He just fights it to a stalemate.

742
00:35:05,770 --> 00:35:07,271
Okay? It's a judges' decision.

743
00:35:07,855 --> 00:35:11,025
He can't move the train,
the train can't move, no one can move.

744
00:35:12,151 --> 00:35:14,153
And after eight seconds,
he gets, like, tired.

745
00:35:14,237 --> 00:35:15,488
He starts gassing out.

746
00:35:15,738 --> 00:35:16,656
[pants]

747
00:35:16,823 --> 00:35:19,200
So he uses his head to jam up the doors.

748
00:35:19,367 --> 00:35:21,327
[audience laughs]

749
00:35:22,662 --> 00:35:23,871
Like a doorstop.

750
00:35:24,831 --> 00:35:27,125
As he readjusts his grip, right,

751
00:35:27,208 --> 00:35:29,460
he starts to chalk up his hands
for round two.

752
00:35:30,253 --> 00:35:34,006
And I'm standing there,
just facing the top of his oily scalp...

753
00:35:34,132 --> 00:35:36,134
[audience laughs]

754
00:35:37,718 --> 00:35:40,096
Just thinking,
"Yo, man, just let it go, all right?

755
00:35:41,556 --> 00:35:44,433
I'm new in town.
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to help you,

756
00:35:45,685 --> 00:35:47,436
or if we're both going to get arrested,
okay?

757
00:35:47,520 --> 00:35:49,981
I don't know the social etiquette
in this situation."

758
00:35:50,106 --> 00:35:51,357
[audience laughs]

759
00:35:52,441 --> 00:35:54,610
"All I know is there's a train
in three minutes."

760
00:35:54,819 --> 00:35:56,445
[audience laughs]

761
00:35:58,239 --> 00:36:00,533
"This is the ACE line in Manhattan,
all right?

762
00:36:00,616 --> 00:36:04,162
If you let this go, we will all get
to where we need to go to quicker."

763
00:36:05,746 --> 00:36:07,707
But he's like,
"No, this is the one, man!

764
00:36:09,041 --> 00:36:12,837
This is the last train ever!"

765
00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:14,380
And he fought the train...

766
00:36:15,298 --> 00:36:16,674
for, like, four more seconds...

767
00:36:18,134 --> 00:36:19,093
and he won!

768
00:36:20,553 --> 00:36:22,013
He won. The train tapped out.

769
00:36:23,139 --> 00:36:26,601
Right, it was like, "All right,
gotta respect your ground game.

770
00:36:27,602 --> 00:36:29,187
Full mount to omoplata is out of control.

771
00:36:29,270 --> 00:36:30,938
Anyone else wanna
run in at the last minute?

772
00:36:31,022 --> 00:36:33,065
It's not like we have a schedule to keep
or anything."

773
00:36:33,941 --> 00:36:36,277
And that's the problem
with America right there.

774
00:36:37,153 --> 00:36:38,446
Too many civil liberties.

775
00:36:39,113 --> 00:36:40,573
[audience laughs]

776
00:36:41,616 --> 00:36:43,034
There's too much freedom here.

777
00:36:43,951 --> 00:36:46,245
You guys took your Bill of Rights
and just ran with it.

778
00:36:47,288 --> 00:36:48,956
That shit would never fly in Malaysia.

779
00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:51,459
Where I'm from, in Malaysia,
you stick your hand in the door,

780
00:36:51,542 --> 00:36:53,586
the doors close,
you get dragged for like a mile.

781
00:36:53,669 --> 00:36:54,545
[audience laughs]

782
00:36:54,712 --> 00:36:56,047
Right? Right?

783
00:36:56,130 --> 00:36:58,549
You get brought to your knees
by the system.

784
00:36:59,342 --> 00:37:02,470
As the train runs over you,
it starts going after your family, right?

785
00:37:02,553 --> 00:37:06,057
You start... You start, like,
bleeding out on the tracks.

786
00:37:06,140 --> 00:37:08,684
The doors open.
We all walk over your dead corpse.

787
00:37:08,768 --> 00:37:09,977
[audience laughs]

788
00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:13,439
"Yeah, that's what you get,
you dumb fuck."

789
00:37:13,522 --> 00:37:15,524
[audience laughs]

790
00:37:15,816 --> 00:37:16,859
Not in America.

791
00:37:17,777 --> 00:37:19,237
In America, one man...

792
00:37:19,737 --> 00:37:21,781
can stop the entire train line.

793
00:37:23,324 --> 00:37:24,909
Because everyone can make a difference.

794
00:37:25,201 --> 00:37:31,290
[audience laughs, cheers, and applauds]

795
00:37:40,299 --> 00:37:41,217
Yeah.

796
00:37:41,300 --> 00:37:42,385
[laughs]

797
00:37:43,344 --> 00:37:45,429
Yeah, it's been great living in America.

798
00:37:47,139 --> 00:37:51,894
Yeah, New York City, it's a great city,
but by any objective measure, it's like...

799
00:37:52,728 --> 00:37:54,939
it's just barbaric, right? [laughs]

800
00:37:55,064 --> 00:37:56,565
If you compare it to other cities...

801
00:37:56,649 --> 00:37:58,859
Like, if you go to Japan,
any city in Japan--

802
00:37:58,943 --> 00:38:00,736
Anyone here been to Japan, by any chance?

803
00:38:00,820 --> 00:38:02,321
-[audience cheers]
-Yeah, Japan...

804
00:38:02,405 --> 00:38:05,074
Japan's, like, awesome, right?
It's, like, the future.

805
00:38:05,157 --> 00:38:07,410
If you go to Japan,
everyone's so polite and friendly.

806
00:38:07,493 --> 00:38:11,789
Very courteous, very conscientious
society in general, right?

807
00:38:11,872 --> 00:38:16,294
Practical application
of advanced technology in Japan.

808
00:38:16,377 --> 00:38:19,797
They have toilets in Japan
that can wash your asshole.

809
00:38:19,922 --> 00:38:21,257
[audience laughs]

810
00:38:21,549 --> 00:38:24,510
Did you know that?
I bring news from the Orient!

811
00:38:24,677 --> 00:38:26,679
[audience laughs]

812
00:38:27,305 --> 00:38:33,477
In Japan, they have toilets
that can wash your asshole clean.

813
00:38:33,561 --> 00:38:34,854
[audience laughs]

814
00:38:34,937 --> 00:38:36,981
And they've had this now for decades.

815
00:38:37,815 --> 00:38:40,818
This isn't "Best of 2015"
on BuzzFeed, okay?

816
00:38:41,444 --> 00:38:43,863
This was mastered and implemented
in the '70s.

817
00:38:43,946 --> 00:38:45,197
Everyone has one.

818
00:38:45,281 --> 00:38:47,241
It's by default they have it, right?

819
00:38:47,325 --> 00:38:50,786
Restaurants, homes, hotels,
everyone has one, and it works.

820
00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:52,288
I was skeptical, too.

821
00:38:52,872 --> 00:38:54,915
[audience laughs]

822
00:38:56,250 --> 00:38:57,543
First time I saw one, I was like,

823
00:38:57,626 --> 00:38:59,920
"There's no way this thing works.
It's a fucking gimmick."

824
00:39:00,546 --> 00:39:01,797
Oh, how wrong I was.

825
00:39:01,881 --> 00:39:03,883
[audience laughs]

826
00:39:06,344 --> 00:39:07,887
Hot jet stream of water...

827
00:39:09,055 --> 00:39:10,806
on target every time.

828
00:39:10,931 --> 00:39:12,933
[audience laughs]

829
00:39:14,310 --> 00:39:16,479
How is it on target every time?

830
00:39:17,521 --> 00:39:19,065
It never has an off day.

831
00:39:19,231 --> 00:39:22,151
It's like Steph Curry
from the free throw line, just automatic.

832
00:39:22,234 --> 00:39:23,611
[audience laughs]

833
00:39:24,153 --> 00:39:27,615
On target every time. How? How? How?

834
00:39:28,032 --> 00:39:31,535
It's like every toilet in Japan has
a camera and a guy aiming it in the back.

835
00:39:31,660 --> 00:39:33,621
[audience laughs]

836
00:39:37,792 --> 00:39:40,294
He's the same guy who carries
your luggage up to your hotel room.

837
00:39:40,419 --> 00:39:45,633
[audience laughs]

838
00:39:49,553 --> 00:39:50,513
And...

839
00:39:51,722 --> 00:39:53,516
And people in the West
don't really know this,

840
00:39:53,599 --> 00:39:56,185
but Chinese people
and Japanese people have, like, beef

841
00:39:56,268 --> 00:39:57,561
stretching from World War II,

842
00:39:57,645 --> 00:39:58,604
because in World War II,

843
00:39:58,687 --> 00:40:00,815
Japan did tons of war atrocities
to Chinese people.

844
00:40:00,898 --> 00:40:03,150
Rape, torture, human experimentation,
the whole nine yards.

845
00:40:03,234 --> 00:40:05,903
China, all the way down Southeast Asia.
Thailand, Malaysia, Singapore,

846
00:40:05,986 --> 00:40:07,321
Philippines, Vietnam, Indonesia.

847
00:40:07,405 --> 00:40:09,365
And people in the West
don't really know this,

848
00:40:09,448 --> 00:40:12,034
because there's no <i>Schindler's List</i>
for Chinese people, okay?

849
00:40:12,118 --> 00:40:13,160
[audience laughs]

850
00:40:13,369 --> 00:40:15,746
No one made a dope black and white movie
about it in the West,

851
00:40:15,830 --> 00:40:16,956
so it's not common knowledge.

852
00:40:17,039 --> 00:40:19,250
If you didn't know it,
I'm not calling you out.

853
00:40:19,333 --> 00:40:22,044
If you didn't know that, why would you?
That's not your story.

854
00:40:22,128 --> 00:40:24,046
It happened on the other side
of the planet, okay?

855
00:40:24,130 --> 00:40:26,006
Why would you know that?
I'm not calling you out.

856
00:40:26,090 --> 00:40:28,300
If you didn't know,
I'm just letting you know it happened.

857
00:40:28,384 --> 00:40:30,344
Okay, if you grew up in Singapore,
like I did,

858
00:40:30,428 --> 00:40:32,555
-they never let you forget it.
-[audience laughs]

859
00:40:32,680 --> 00:40:34,682
In Singapore, it's,
"Never forget. They did that.

860
00:40:34,765 --> 00:40:36,684
Never forget. They did that shit."

861
00:40:36,767 --> 00:40:41,647
Every year, a new documentary drama series
detailing the atrocities that happened

862
00:40:41,730 --> 00:40:43,941
during the Japanese occupation
of Southeast Asia.

863
00:40:44,024 --> 00:40:45,651
"Never forget. They did that!"

864
00:40:45,901 --> 00:40:47,736
And if you grew up
in Singapore and Malaysia

865
00:40:47,820 --> 00:40:49,363
with that swirling around your head,

866
00:40:49,447 --> 00:40:51,532
and you go visit Japan for the first time,

867
00:40:52,324 --> 00:40:55,369
right, with a lifetime of that stuff
still in your head,

868
00:40:56,078 --> 00:40:59,165
and you're in Japan,
and everyone's super polite and friendly,

869
00:40:59,248 --> 00:41:01,125
and there's, like, <i>Sailor Moon,</i> right?

870
00:41:01,250 --> 00:41:02,918
[audience laughs]

871
00:41:03,169 --> 00:41:05,004
And there's toilets that wash your ass.

872
00:41:06,380 --> 00:41:08,257
You can't help but wonder...

873
00:41:09,049 --> 00:41:12,845
how did these guys go from rape, torture,
and human experimentation

874
00:41:12,928 --> 00:41:13,804
to <i>Pokémon...</i>

875
00:41:14,013 --> 00:41:16,015
[audience laughs]

876
00:41:16,807 --> 00:41:18,809
-...in one generation? [scoffs]
-[audience laughs]

877
00:41:21,020 --> 00:41:22,104
So I'm just saying...

878
00:41:23,481 --> 00:41:25,232
if we give ISIS a couple decades...

879
00:41:25,357 --> 00:41:27,359
[audience laughs]

880
00:41:27,818 --> 00:41:30,279
...maybe they'll cure cancer, okay?
You don't know.

881
00:41:31,655 --> 00:41:33,449
You don't know what the future holds.

882
00:41:33,866 --> 00:41:35,534
Might be judging them
on a very harsh period

883
00:41:35,618 --> 00:41:36,660
of their history right now.

884
00:41:36,911 --> 00:41:38,496
[man cackling]

885
00:41:39,163 --> 00:41:41,332
Okay, mixed reaction to that.
That's fair enough.

886
00:41:41,415 --> 00:41:43,375
[audience laughs]

887
00:41:44,835 --> 00:41:46,879
But you know what?
It's a comedy show, not a TED Talk.

888
00:41:46,962 --> 00:41:48,589
Okay? Calm the fuck down!

889
00:41:48,714 --> 00:41:51,884
Everyone's asshole clenched up so tight,
a Japanese toilet couldn't wash it.

890
00:41:51,967 --> 00:41:53,552
[audience laughs]

891
00:41:57,515 --> 00:41:59,308
Yeah, like I said,
I used to live in Australia.

892
00:41:59,391 --> 00:42:02,186
I started doing comedy in Australia. Um...

893
00:42:02,686 --> 00:42:05,356
Australia was always really good to me.
Uh...

894
00:42:05,439 --> 00:42:06,690
My wife is Australian,

895
00:42:07,274 --> 00:42:08,567
and I love my wife a lot.

896
00:42:09,026 --> 00:42:11,862
I love my wife so much,
I married her three times.

897
00:42:12,655 --> 00:42:16,450
That's right. I married the same woman
three separate times.

898
00:42:16,534 --> 00:42:19,954
Why? Because when you have Asian parents,
you have to get married...

899
00:42:20,829 --> 00:42:23,165
in every fucking country
you have relatives in.

900
00:42:23,290 --> 00:42:25,292
[audience laughs]

901
00:42:25,543 --> 00:42:27,753
Because Asian parents have to brag, okay?

902
00:42:27,836 --> 00:42:29,255
And I know every parent has to brag.

903
00:42:29,338 --> 00:42:31,340
I'm not trying to take anything
away from anyone.

904
00:42:31,423 --> 00:42:33,467
I'm just saying Asian parents
also have to brag,

905
00:42:33,551 --> 00:42:35,636
and, like, weddings is how they do it.

906
00:42:35,719 --> 00:42:38,305
Like, Asian weddings for baby boomers,

907
00:42:38,889 --> 00:42:41,934
Asian baby boomers,
it was the original Instagram, okay?

908
00:42:42,101 --> 00:42:45,187
-[audience laughs]
-It is how they catch up with everybody.

909
00:42:45,271 --> 00:42:47,731
It's how they get the likes.
It's how they get the dopamine hit.

910
00:42:47,815 --> 00:42:48,941
It's how they leave comments.

911
00:42:49,024 --> 00:42:51,068
"Why so skinny? Why so fat?
Why aren't you married?

912
00:42:51,151 --> 00:42:53,487
Why don't you have a baby?
What's wrong with your balls?"

913
00:42:53,571 --> 00:42:54,613
[audience laughs]

914
00:42:54,989 --> 00:42:58,075
They say shit to your face that reviewers
on the internet wouldn't say.

915
00:42:58,576 --> 00:43:00,536
[audience laughs]

916
00:43:01,870 --> 00:43:03,330
So we had to get married three times.

917
00:43:03,414 --> 00:43:05,624
So the first wedding
we had in Melbourne, Australia,

918
00:43:05,708 --> 00:43:07,793
because my wife
is from Melbourne, Australia.

919
00:43:07,876 --> 00:43:09,795
Then we got married
in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia,

920
00:43:09,878 --> 00:43:11,839
even though I'm not from Kuala Lumpur,

921
00:43:11,922 --> 00:43:13,799
but who gives a fuck
what the groom wants, right?

922
00:43:13,882 --> 00:43:14,967
[audience laughs]

923
00:43:15,134 --> 00:43:18,470
Let's just find the nearest landmark
in Malaysia everyone can pronounce

924
00:43:18,554 --> 00:43:20,097
with the most direct flights.

925
00:43:20,306 --> 00:43:21,640
[audience laughs]

926
00:43:22,057 --> 00:43:24,727
And then we got married in New York
for green card purposes.

927
00:43:24,810 --> 00:43:26,604
-Okay, so...
-[audience laughs]

928
00:43:27,938 --> 00:43:29,815
Three very romantic weddings,

929
00:43:30,649 --> 00:43:32,276
for the right reasons.

930
00:43:32,359 --> 00:43:34,445
Chain migration, and...

931
00:43:34,528 --> 00:43:35,738
[audience laughs and applauds]

932
00:43:36,030 --> 00:43:37,615
-Let me tell you something.
-[man] Whoo!

933
00:43:37,740 --> 00:43:40,034
Let me speak from the heart here
for just one minute.

934
00:43:40,117 --> 00:43:42,369
If you take nothing else away
from the show here tonight,

935
00:43:42,453 --> 00:43:43,787
please just hear me now.

936
00:43:43,871 --> 00:43:46,165
Okay, I'm speaking
from personal experience here.

937
00:43:46,415 --> 00:43:49,501
There are fewer joys
you will experience in life...

938
00:43:50,336 --> 00:43:53,005
than organizing three weddings
at the same time.

939
00:43:53,088 --> 00:43:54,298
[audience laughs]

940
00:43:55,174 --> 00:43:57,926
Oh, my God!
It's so much fun and so easy to do.

941
00:43:58,052 --> 00:43:59,553
[audience laughs]

942
00:44:00,179 --> 00:44:02,181
I highly recommend it.

943
00:44:03,599 --> 00:44:07,227
In fact, it's so much fun,
after you organize three weddings...

944
00:44:07,311 --> 00:44:09,897
[laughs cynically] ...you should just
kill yourself immediately!

945
00:44:11,065 --> 00:44:14,443
Because it turns out you'll never
experience as much joy as you do...

946
00:44:15,110 --> 00:44:17,613
than when you're trying to organize
three wedding simultaneously.

947
00:44:17,696 --> 00:44:20,532
In fact, the only way
you can experience more joy,

948
00:44:20,616 --> 00:44:22,201
is if you organize those three weddings

949
00:44:22,284 --> 00:44:24,870
as far away from your physical location
as possible.

950
00:44:25,996 --> 00:44:26,955
Because you'll find

951
00:44:27,039 --> 00:44:29,625
that the enjoyment-versus-distance graph
increases exponentially

952
00:44:29,708 --> 00:44:32,836
the further away the weddings are
from your physical body.

953
00:44:33,754 --> 00:44:35,005
So fun and cheap.

954
00:44:35,297 --> 00:44:37,424
[audience laughs]

955
00:44:39,134 --> 00:44:40,969
So the first wedding
in Melbourne, Australia,

956
00:44:41,053 --> 00:44:43,347
I'm sending out the wedding invites,
right, and I'm going...

957
00:44:44,139 --> 00:44:46,225
going all the way with these things,
not holding back.

958
00:44:46,308 --> 00:44:49,812
Everything, gold embossed lettering
with the lace and the holograms.

959
00:44:49,895 --> 00:44:51,021
It's, like, $20 an invite.

960
00:44:51,105 --> 00:44:54,358
At this point, it's cheaper
to write the invitation on money, okay?

961
00:44:54,483 --> 00:44:55,943
[audience laughs]

962
00:44:56,151 --> 00:44:59,154
"We should write the invitation on money
and serve cash at the reception.

963
00:44:59,238 --> 00:45:01,365
-We'll save some money."
-[audience laughs]

964
00:45:02,741 --> 00:45:04,118
So, I'm sending these things out,

965
00:45:04,201 --> 00:45:06,620
and on the back of the invite,
my wife is like,

966
00:45:06,704 --> 00:45:09,957
"You have to put your email address
on the back of the invite

967
00:45:10,040 --> 00:45:13,877
so my friends can email in
their dietary requirements."

968
00:45:15,254 --> 00:45:17,965
-White people dietary requirements.
-[audience laughs]

969
00:45:18,549 --> 00:45:19,758
Holy fuck!

970
00:45:21,051 --> 00:45:22,761
Yo, there's no dietary requirements.

971
00:45:22,845 --> 00:45:26,348
Okay? Chinese weddings in Malaysia,
there's no dietary requirements.

972
00:45:26,682 --> 00:45:29,518
Chinese weddings in Malaysia,
everyone shows up, we eat,

973
00:45:29,601 --> 00:45:31,145
some people die, and then we go home.

974
00:45:31,228 --> 00:45:33,689
[audience laughs]

975
00:45:33,772 --> 00:45:35,691
[audience cheers and applauds]

976
00:45:36,859 --> 00:45:38,777
Makes the race stronger!

977
00:45:38,944 --> 00:45:40,738
[audience laughs]

978
00:45:41,947 --> 00:45:44,867
We're not customizing meals
for weak genes!

979
00:45:47,411 --> 00:45:50,122
Thousands of years of Chinese weddings,
people show up and die,

980
00:45:50,205 --> 00:45:52,291
-no one complains.
-[audience laughs]

981
00:45:52,541 --> 00:45:57,379
No one's every written a bad Yelp review
because they died at a Chinese wedding.

982
00:45:57,463 --> 00:45:58,797
[sobbing] "What a tragedy."

983
00:45:58,881 --> 00:46:01,425
We collectively accept that
as a possibility.

984
00:46:02,509 --> 00:46:04,094
Okay, because life is risky.

985
00:46:05,304 --> 00:46:08,557
I was expecting the usual,
reasonable dietary requirements.

986
00:46:08,640 --> 00:46:13,061
Right? Gluten allergy, vegan,
shellfish allergy, peanut allergy.

987
00:46:13,145 --> 00:46:14,480
Keeping it reasonable.

988
00:46:15,147 --> 00:46:17,399
Oh, my God! The shit we got back.

989
00:46:17,483 --> 00:46:18,525
[audience laughs]

990
00:46:18,901 --> 00:46:20,944
Spreadsheets...

991
00:46:21,737 --> 00:46:23,655
of genetic failures.

992
00:46:23,822 --> 00:46:27,618
[audience laughs and applauds]

993
00:46:28,827 --> 00:46:30,996
One after the other,

994
00:46:31,079 --> 00:46:33,248
each more pathetic than the last.

995
00:46:34,291 --> 00:46:38,295
[breathlessly] "Excuse me, Ronny!
Excuse me! I can't eat figs!"

996
00:46:38,378 --> 00:46:39,713
[pants]

997
00:46:39,838 --> 00:46:42,549
"Excuse me, Ronny. I can't eat red pepper.

998
00:46:42,841 --> 00:46:47,304
Green pepper is fine,
but red pepper makes my mouth red.

999
00:46:47,387 --> 00:46:50,098
Excuse me, Ronny.
I can't eat fried garlic.

1000
00:46:50,390 --> 00:46:52,309
Does this have fried garlic?

1001
00:46:52,392 --> 00:46:56,230
I have to pick the fried garlic
out of the bok choy.

1002
00:46:56,688 --> 00:46:59,316
Excuse me, Ronny. I can't eat lettuce.

1003
00:47:00,275 --> 00:47:04,863
This <i>san choy bau</i> is wrapped in lettuce.
I can't eat it!"

1004
00:47:05,155 --> 00:47:06,865
From the same person.

1005
00:47:07,074 --> 00:47:09,076
[audience laughs]

1006
00:47:11,662 --> 00:47:15,249
Yo, dietary requirements
is a serious issue.

1007
00:47:15,332 --> 00:47:17,543
Okay? It's a medical condition.

1008
00:47:17,626 --> 00:47:19,670
It means if you eat this, you could die.

1009
00:47:19,753 --> 00:47:22,631
It's not license to tell me
what textures you don't enjoy.

1010
00:47:22,756 --> 00:47:23,882
[audience laughs]

1011
00:47:24,091 --> 00:47:26,426
These motherfuckers
trying to influence the menu!

1012
00:47:29,054 --> 00:47:30,514
[audience laughs]

1013
00:47:31,765 --> 00:47:34,351
Anyway, I had a great time at my wedding.
It was awesome.

1014
00:47:34,476 --> 00:47:35,519
[audience laughs]

1015
00:47:35,602 --> 00:47:37,145
Uh, I love my wife a lot.

1016
00:47:39,189 --> 00:47:42,067
My wife says
that I have tone issues, so...

1017
00:47:42,192 --> 00:47:43,193
[audience groans]

1018
00:47:43,443 --> 00:47:45,696
Everything I say sounds sarcastic
or angry.

1019
00:47:45,863 --> 00:47:46,989
[audience laughs]

1020
00:47:47,072 --> 00:47:48,240
[angrily] Apparently.

1021
00:47:50,075 --> 00:47:51,702
[audience laughs]

1022
00:47:52,035 --> 00:47:54,246
But listen to the words,
not the tone, please.

1023
00:47:55,581 --> 00:47:57,457
[angrily] I had a great wedding.
I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

1024
00:47:57,541 --> 00:47:58,542
It was awesome.

1025
00:47:58,667 --> 00:47:59,835
[audience laughs]

1026
00:47:59,918 --> 00:48:01,378
[sarcastically] Three was not enough.

1027
00:48:02,754 --> 00:48:04,882
Your friends are amazing.

1028
00:48:05,007 --> 00:48:06,884
[audience laughs]

1029
00:48:09,845 --> 00:48:10,888
I love my wife a lot,

1030
00:48:10,971 --> 00:48:13,098
but marriage has definitely
made me a worse person.

1031
00:48:14,349 --> 00:48:17,019
Before I got married, I used to care
because I was trying to get laid.

1032
00:48:17,102 --> 00:48:18,562
Now I don't care anymore, okay?

1033
00:48:18,645 --> 00:48:21,940
All I care about is my wife's opinion
about me and her well-being.

1034
00:48:22,024 --> 00:48:22,983
That's all I care about.

1035
00:48:23,066 --> 00:48:24,985
I don't give a fuck
about any of this other...

1036
00:48:25,527 --> 00:48:26,904
Idiots on the internet...

1037
00:48:26,987 --> 00:48:29,489
Even her friends come
and talk to my wife, "Hey, Ronny!"

1038
00:48:29,573 --> 00:48:31,533
I'm like, "Fuck this shit."
I just gotta walk away.

1039
00:48:31,617 --> 00:48:32,451
[audience laughs]

1040
00:48:32,534 --> 00:48:34,620
Like, when my wife's friends
come and talk to me,

1041
00:48:34,703 --> 00:48:36,413
I can't even muster the bare minimum

1042
00:48:37,122 --> 00:48:39,875
that society requires of me
to interact with this person.

1043
00:48:39,958 --> 00:48:42,961
It's like, "Hey, Ronny, how are you?"
I'm like, "Fuck this." I gotta walk away.

1044
00:48:43,045 --> 00:48:44,087
[audience laughs]

1045
00:48:44,338 --> 00:48:47,799
Because when my wife's friends
find out I do stand-up comedy,

1046
00:48:47,883 --> 00:48:51,094
what follows is the worst conversation...

1047
00:48:52,095 --> 00:48:54,139
in the history of humanity.

1048
00:48:54,222 --> 00:48:57,517
And it happens over and over
and over again.

1049
00:48:57,601 --> 00:48:59,811
Same thing every single time.
It's like, "Oh, hey, Ronny.

1050
00:48:59,895 --> 00:49:02,397
Hey, wow. You do stand-up comedy?
Oh, wow.

1051
00:49:03,065 --> 00:49:04,858
Hey, Ron, when's your next show?"

1052
00:49:05,859 --> 00:49:09,655
"Well, I do five to six shows a night,
every single night in New York City.

1053
00:49:09,738 --> 00:49:12,032
So I guess my next show
will be tonight or tomorrow

1054
00:49:12,115 --> 00:49:15,035
depending on what time of day
we're having this conversation."

1055
00:49:15,118 --> 00:49:17,871
"Oh, wow! That's really cool.
When's your next big show?"

1056
00:49:19,414 --> 00:49:21,625
"I don't really differentiate
between big or small shows.

1057
00:49:21,708 --> 00:49:26,213
I try to bring everything I have
to every show I do, so I guess my next...

1058
00:49:26,338 --> 00:49:28,882
big show will be my next show,
which will be today or tomorrow,

1059
00:49:28,966 --> 00:49:32,094
as per our previous
excruciating interaction."

1060
00:49:34,054 --> 00:49:35,347
"Oh, wow, that's really cool.

1061
00:49:35,430 --> 00:49:37,849
Well, can you let me know
next time you're doing a show?"

1062
00:49:38,016 --> 00:49:39,393
[audience laughs]

1063
00:49:41,812 --> 00:49:43,522
"Well..." [sighs]
"...like I just said..."

1064
00:49:43,605 --> 00:49:45,273
[audience laughs]

1065
00:49:46,274 --> 00:49:48,902
"I do five to six shows a night, minimum,

1066
00:49:48,986 --> 00:49:52,114
every single night in New York City.

1067
00:49:52,197 --> 00:49:54,574
There's no possible way
I could let you know...

1068
00:49:56,326 --> 00:49:57,786
the next time you're doing a show.

1069
00:49:57,869 --> 00:50:00,831
That kind of notification wouldn't be
feasible for you or for me to receive,

1070
00:50:00,914 --> 00:50:02,791
so I guess the answer is no.
No, I cannot...

1071
00:50:04,126 --> 00:50:05,085
let you know."

1072
00:50:05,919 --> 00:50:08,005
"Okay, well,
are you gigging next Saturday?

1073
00:50:08,088 --> 00:50:10,674
Because I'm free next Saturday in the city
so if you're around,

1074
00:50:10,757 --> 00:50:13,218
maybe I can come around
and watch you perform..."

1075
00:50:13,301 --> 00:50:14,219
[yelling] "Listen, man!

1076
00:50:14,302 --> 00:50:17,472
I'm not going to roll out a red carpet
for you every time I go to work!

1077
00:50:17,556 --> 00:50:19,016
Okay? You come, or you don't!

1078
00:50:19,099 --> 00:50:21,309
It's on Twitter. It's on my website.
Figure it out!

1079
00:50:21,393 --> 00:50:22,978
Everyone else figured it out!"

1080
00:50:23,061 --> 00:50:24,479
[audience laughs]

1081
00:50:25,105 --> 00:50:26,189
[audience applauds]

1082
00:50:26,481 --> 00:50:27,399
So...

1083
00:50:27,858 --> 00:50:29,860
[audience whistling and cheering]

1084
00:50:32,821 --> 00:50:35,782
So to avoid that timeline from happening,
right?

1085
00:50:36,575 --> 00:50:38,201
That's like the worst possible reality.

1086
00:50:38,285 --> 00:50:40,287
And I'm like a conversation Precog
at this point.

1087
00:50:40,370 --> 00:50:43,623
I can detect conversation crimes
before they happen, okay?

1088
00:50:44,458 --> 00:50:48,170
Just in my vat of milk, just watching
that wooden ball road down the counter,

1089
00:50:48,253 --> 00:50:50,756
like Tom Cruise,
I'll jump in and cut off that reality

1090
00:50:50,839 --> 00:50:54,885
before it blossoms
into full-blown asshole reality.

1091
00:50:55,093 --> 00:50:58,096
I cut it off at the bud, so when
my wife's friends come and talk to me,

1092
00:50:58,180 --> 00:51:00,057
and they go,
"Hey, Ronny, you do stand-up comedy?

1093
00:51:00,140 --> 00:51:01,808
Oh, wow, when's your next show?"

1094
00:51:01,892 --> 00:51:03,143
[audience laughs]

1095
00:51:03,852 --> 00:51:05,062
I just say...

1096
00:51:05,812 --> 00:51:08,565
-[exhales deeply] "No, it's okay."
-[audience laughs]

1097
00:51:08,732 --> 00:51:10,859
Then my wife here says, "'No, it's okay,'

1098
00:51:11,401 --> 00:51:13,236
is not an answer to the question..."

1099
00:51:13,320 --> 00:51:15,280
[audience laughs]

1100
00:51:19,326 --> 00:51:21,745
"...when my friends ask you
when your next show is."

1101
00:51:23,038 --> 00:51:25,916
"Okay, sorry.
Could you give me one second?

1102
00:51:25,999 --> 00:51:28,335
What do you want me to say?
What the fuck you want me to say?

1103
00:51:28,418 --> 00:51:30,253
Because every time
we have this conversation,

1104
00:51:30,337 --> 00:51:32,464
it goes nowhere good.
So what do you want me to say?"

1105
00:51:32,547 --> 00:51:33,715
"Just say you don't do comedy.

1106
00:51:33,799 --> 00:51:35,509
It's easier if you say
you don't do comedy."

1107
00:51:35,592 --> 00:51:37,427
"All right, fine.
Next time your friends ask me,

1108
00:51:37,511 --> 00:51:38,804
I'll say I don't do comedy.

1109
00:51:38,887 --> 00:51:40,931
I don't do shit. I'm a useless husband.

1110
00:51:41,014 --> 00:51:43,433
All I do is sit on my fat ass all day
reviewing things."

1111
00:51:43,725 --> 00:51:45,352
[audience laughs]

1112
00:51:48,688 --> 00:51:51,608
[sighs heavily] So, yeah, tone issues
 is something I've been working on...

1113
00:51:51,900 --> 00:51:53,235
[audience laughs]

1114
00:51:53,860 --> 00:51:56,613
[sighs] ...for the last five to six years,
really.

1115
00:51:56,696 --> 00:51:59,074
It's been an ongoing battle.

1116
00:52:00,575 --> 00:52:03,161
It's been an ongoing battle
between my wife and my tone.

1117
00:52:03,453 --> 00:52:04,830
[audience laughs]

1118
00:52:04,913 --> 00:52:07,582
Myself as a neutral third-party,
of course.

1119
00:52:07,916 --> 00:52:10,919
[inhales] And I got to say,
I see good people on both sides, okay?

1120
00:52:11,002 --> 00:52:12,629
-So I don't know.
-[audience laughs]

1121
00:52:15,549 --> 00:52:20,137
Yeah, I got married at 9:00 a.m.
on a Sunday in Melbourne, Australia.

1122
00:52:20,220 --> 00:52:21,221
That was my...

1123
00:52:22,639 --> 00:52:24,808
That was the tea ceremony
in Melbourne, Australia.

1124
00:52:24,891 --> 00:52:27,978
That's the most traditional Chinese part
of the wedding. We do it in the morning.

1125
00:52:28,061 --> 00:52:30,730
Families come. We serve tea to everybody.
Other stuff happens.

1126
00:52:30,814 --> 00:52:33,984
It never ends, stuff keeps happening,
but that's when it starts, okay?

1127
00:52:34,067 --> 00:52:36,736
Then after that, we have a dinner,
and all that fucking bullshit.

1128
00:52:36,820 --> 00:52:39,531
But it starts at 9:00 a.m.
That's the tea ceremony.

1129
00:52:39,614 --> 00:52:41,825
So I booked my flight
to leave New York City...

1130
00:52:42,701 --> 00:52:45,120
at 10:00 p.m. on a Friday.

1131
00:52:45,203 --> 00:52:47,455
And with the time zone difference
and length of the flight,

1132
00:52:47,539 --> 00:52:50,417
I'd reach Melbourne just in time,
9:00 a.m., to attend my own wedding.

1133
00:52:51,418 --> 00:52:52,627
Um...

1134
00:52:52,919 --> 00:52:54,379
And I was cutting it close.

1135
00:52:54,462 --> 00:52:57,132
Not because I wanted to,
but because I had to work

1136
00:52:57,215 --> 00:52:59,342
to pay off three fucking weddings, okay?

1137
00:52:59,426 --> 00:53:00,260
[audience laughs]

1138
00:53:00,343 --> 00:53:01,928
I can't just take leave whenever I want.

1139
00:53:02,012 --> 00:53:03,346
I have to work to the limit,

1140
00:53:03,430 --> 00:53:05,307
jump on a plane,
and attend my own wedding, okay?

1141
00:53:05,390 --> 00:53:07,017
Because, guess what? This shit ain't free.

1142
00:53:07,100 --> 00:53:10,562
And my wife hates it when I say that,
so I say it every single time, okay?

1143
00:53:10,645 --> 00:53:11,730
[audience laughs]

1144
00:53:11,855 --> 00:53:14,107
I gotta work to the limit, make money,
jump on a plane,

1145
00:53:14,191 --> 00:53:15,692
and then get to my wedding.

1146
00:53:15,775 --> 00:53:18,528
So, at 3:00 p.m. on the Friday
of the flight,

1147
00:53:18,612 --> 00:53:21,865
my wife calls me, and she's, like--
In <i>The Daily Show</i> office,

1148
00:53:21,948 --> 00:53:23,366
she calls me, and she's like...

1149
00:53:24,117 --> 00:53:25,827
"Why aren't you on your way
to the airport?"

1150
00:53:26,745 --> 00:53:28,580
At this point, my wife is in Australia,

1151
00:53:28,663 --> 00:53:30,165
and my wife calls me at 3:00 p.m.

1152
00:53:30,248 --> 00:53:32,250
in the Midtown Manhattan
<i>Daily Show</i> office,

1153
00:53:32,334 --> 00:53:34,628
and she says, "Why aren't you
on your way to the airport?"

1154
00:53:34,711 --> 00:53:40,508
And I say, "Why would I go to the airport
at 3:00 p.m. for a 10:00 p.m. flight?"

1155
00:53:40,717 --> 00:53:42,302
[audience laughs]

1156
00:53:42,510 --> 00:53:44,429
And my wife immediately starts crying.

1157
00:53:45,013 --> 00:53:46,806
[breathes deeply]

1158
00:53:47,015 --> 00:53:49,893
She says,
"Because it's not a 10:00 p.m. flight.

1159
00:53:49,976 --> 00:53:51,978
It's a 6:00 p.m. flight,
you fucking idiot."

1160
00:53:52,103 --> 00:53:54,606
-[Ronny clicks tongue]
-[audience laughs]

1161
00:53:54,689 --> 00:53:57,025
So, apparently,
I made a small mistake there. Um...

1162
00:53:57,108 --> 00:53:58,235
[audience laughs]

1163
00:53:58,443 --> 00:54:02,906
I thought it was a 10:00 p.m. flight
leaving JFK in New York City.

1164
00:54:03,323 --> 00:54:06,243
It was actually a 6:00 p.m. flight
leaving JFK.

1165
00:54:06,326 --> 00:54:07,285
At 3:00 p.m.,

1166
00:54:07,369 --> 00:54:09,871
I was still in <i>The Daily Show</i>
Midtown Manhattan office,

1167
00:54:09,955 --> 00:54:13,583
and to make this flight,
I would have to go home, pack...

1168
00:54:13,667 --> 00:54:15,418
[audience laughs]

1169
00:54:19,005 --> 00:54:22,342
...fight through Friday Manhattan
rush hour traffic

1170
00:54:22,425 --> 00:54:26,471
to get to JFK in time
for an international flight in three hours

1171
00:54:26,554 --> 00:54:27,764
to attend my own wedding.

1172
00:54:28,598 --> 00:54:31,935
Herculean task, I know, but guess what?
I believe in myself.

1173
00:54:32,018 --> 00:54:33,561
-So...
-[audience laughs]

1174
00:54:33,645 --> 00:54:35,272
...my wife immediately starts crying.

1175
00:54:35,355 --> 00:54:37,315
She's like... [sobs]
"How can you let this happen?"

1176
00:54:37,399 --> 00:54:39,901
I hang up the phone.
I throw it against the wall.

1177
00:54:40,151 --> 00:54:42,237
Because now is not the time
for negative energy!

1178
00:54:42,404 --> 00:54:44,406
[audience laughs and applauds]

1179
00:54:44,864 --> 00:54:45,740
Okay?

1180
00:54:45,865 --> 00:54:46,992
[audience cheers]

1181
00:54:47,242 --> 00:54:48,159
That's right.

1182
00:54:48,618 --> 00:54:50,912
We are in problem-solving mode.

1183
00:54:51,496 --> 00:54:53,164
Okay? There's plenty of time
at a later date

1184
00:54:53,248 --> 00:54:55,250
to assign blame
to all parties responsible...

1185
00:54:55,333 --> 00:54:57,419
-[audience laughs]
-...for this fucking fiasco.

1186
00:54:57,502 --> 00:55:00,755
But for the moment, can we just focus
on positive energy and solutions only?

1187
00:55:00,839 --> 00:55:01,673
Thank you.

1188
00:55:01,756 --> 00:55:04,301
So I hang up the phone,
throw it against the wall, and I run home.

1189
00:55:04,384 --> 00:55:06,136
Fifteen minutes, I sprint home.

1190
00:55:06,219 --> 00:55:09,889
And I get home in 15 minutes,
and I pack in five minutes.

1191
00:55:09,973 --> 00:55:12,392
I know I packed in five minutes
because as soon as I got home,

1192
00:55:12,475 --> 00:55:13,852
I said, "Alexa, time five minutes."

1193
00:55:13,935 --> 00:55:15,270
-And then...
-[audience laughs]

1194
00:55:15,353 --> 00:55:18,231
Alexa was like, "Would you also like me
to buy you a watch and a clock?"

1195
00:55:18,315 --> 00:55:20,025
I was like,
"Buy whatever the fuck you want.

1196
00:55:20,108 --> 00:55:21,568
I don't have time for this now."

1197
00:55:21,651 --> 00:55:24,029
"Okay, well, I'm going to buy
all that stuff right now!"

1198
00:55:24,112 --> 00:55:25,780
Then some guy came
to my house immediately.

1199
00:55:25,864 --> 00:55:27,490
I was like,
"Get the fuck out of my house!"

1200
00:55:28,408 --> 00:55:31,619
I took my luggage and I put my tux
in there, one t-shirt, and one sock,

1201
00:55:31,703 --> 00:55:33,455
'cause there was gonna be
a crazy after-party,

1202
00:55:33,538 --> 00:55:36,249
and then I zipped up my luggage,
and I ran downstairs.

1203
00:55:36,333 --> 00:55:39,336
I hit the New York City street level
with my luggage.

1204
00:55:39,419 --> 00:55:40,420
Crucial decision to make:

1205
00:55:40,503 --> 00:55:43,048
Do you take the taxi,
or do you take the subway? Okay?

1206
00:55:43,131 --> 00:55:46,468
And Google Maps says that the taxi will be
an hour and a half through traffic.

1207
00:55:46,551 --> 00:55:49,179
Google Maps says that the subway
will be 59 minutes.

1208
00:55:49,262 --> 00:55:51,306
So I go, "Okay, fuck it.
I'm going to take the subway.

1209
00:55:51,389 --> 00:55:53,141
Because I can't live with taking a taxi,

1210
00:55:53,224 --> 00:55:55,226
and getting stuck in traffic,
and missing this flight.

1211
00:55:55,310 --> 00:55:57,354
I'll take the subway.
At least I'm always in motion.

1212
00:55:57,437 --> 00:56:00,148
And if I miss the flight,
I'll just find a new wife, all right?

1213
00:56:00,231 --> 00:56:01,733
-So...
-[audience laughs]

1214
00:56:02,942 --> 00:56:04,027
So I take my luggage.

1215
00:56:04,110 --> 00:56:06,613
I run down the New York City
subway stairs, holding my luggage.

1216
00:56:06,696 --> 00:56:08,573
I'm running down
the New York City subway stairs.

1217
00:56:08,656 --> 00:56:12,994
I hit the New York City subway platform,
and there's a train right there.

1218
00:56:13,953 --> 00:56:17,082
And its doors start closing
in front of me.

1219
00:56:17,165 --> 00:56:21,086
[audience laughs and applauds]

1220
00:56:22,504 --> 00:56:24,798
And I go... [yelling]
"I know what to do in this situation!"

1221
00:56:24,881 --> 00:56:26,883
[grunts]

1222
00:56:27,550 --> 00:56:30,470
And I'm trying to put my head in the door,
and I can't...

1223
00:56:30,553 --> 00:56:32,847
I can't get to the door in time.
I can't even reach it.

1224
00:56:32,931 --> 00:56:35,892
Even my hand,
I can't even reach it. It's too far away.

1225
00:56:35,975 --> 00:56:38,228
I'm trying to make the trade
with the train gods.

1226
00:56:38,311 --> 00:56:40,814
I'm like, "Take my hand, train gods,
for safe passage.

1227
00:56:40,897 --> 00:56:43,483
It's worth it. Take it."
And I can't reach the door.

1228
00:56:44,609 --> 00:56:46,528
And the doors are closing,

1229
00:56:46,611 --> 00:56:48,488
and this black guy is standing
right at the door.

1230
00:56:49,239 --> 00:56:50,740
And he sees me doing this.

1231
00:56:52,450 --> 00:56:53,868
And we make eye contact.

1232
00:56:54,953 --> 00:56:57,205
And then he just puts his foot
right on the door.

1233
00:56:57,288 --> 00:56:59,290
-[audience cheers]
-Yeah.

1234
00:57:03,753 --> 00:57:07,006
And the door is, like, slamming
against him the whole time,

1235
00:57:07,632 --> 00:57:09,926
but he doesn't give a fuck
because he's black, right?

1236
00:57:10,009 --> 00:57:11,636
-[audience laughs]
-Slamming against him...

1237
00:57:11,719 --> 00:57:13,388
And he looks at me and he's like,

1238
00:57:14,431 --> 00:57:16,015
"Get the fuck in the..."

1239
00:57:16,099 --> 00:57:17,934
I was like,
"Shit! He's holding it open for me."

1240
00:57:18,017 --> 00:57:19,894
So I grab my luggage.
I jump in the subway.

1241
00:57:20,895 --> 00:57:23,606
I'm like... [breathlessly] "Oh my God.
Thank you. Thank you so much.

1242
00:57:23,690 --> 00:57:25,900
Oh, my God! You don't understand
what  you just did, man.

1243
00:57:25,984 --> 00:57:26,860
You just saved my...

1244
00:57:26,943 --> 00:57:28,862
You just saved my wedding.
You just saved my marriage.

1245
00:57:28,945 --> 00:57:30,238
You definitely saved my life."

1246
00:57:30,905 --> 00:57:33,783
And this guy, he's black
so he's, like, too cool for school.

1247
00:57:33,867 --> 00:57:35,910
And he's like,
"Nah, don't worry about it."

1248
00:57:36,286 --> 00:57:38,204
[audience laughs]

1249
00:57:40,832 --> 00:57:42,584
And I'm like, "No, you don't understand."

1250
00:57:42,667 --> 00:57:45,670
I'm, like, trying to make him understand,
like, what just happened.

1251
00:57:45,753 --> 00:57:48,047
Like, look at this text message.

1252
00:57:48,631 --> 00:57:50,842
And he starts getting weirded out by me,
he's like...

1253
00:57:51,301 --> 00:57:53,678
"Fuck this." And he, like,
leaves to the next carriage.

1254
00:57:54,929 --> 00:57:57,515
And I realize I'm being
the creepy person on the train right now.

1255
00:57:58,433 --> 00:58:00,101
Because I'm sweating, holding my luggage,

1256
00:58:00,185 --> 00:58:02,479
I'm not wearing pants,
I'm going, "Thank you!

1257
00:58:02,562 --> 00:58:04,063
[yelling] Thank you so much! Thank you!

1258
00:58:04,147 --> 00:58:06,900
Thank you, everybody!
Can someone spare some change, please?

1259
00:58:07,192 --> 00:58:09,486
Can you please spare some change?
Anything helps."

1260
00:58:11,446 --> 00:58:14,491
And so instead of trying
to thank him in the moment,

1261
00:58:14,574 --> 00:58:16,242
which is way too creepy a move,

1262
00:58:17,035 --> 00:58:20,205
I just take a photo of his face
when he isn't looking, all right?

1263
00:58:20,330 --> 00:58:21,748
[audience laughs]

1264
00:58:23,333 --> 00:58:25,752
So at a later date, when I have enough
Instagram followers,

1265
00:58:25,835 --> 00:58:28,546
I can post this photo and be like,
"Does anybody know this guy?

1266
00:58:28,630 --> 00:58:30,965
'Cause he fucking saved my wedding!"

1267
00:58:31,049 --> 00:58:33,301
Also, sometimes I look at his face
when I'm feeling sad.

1268
00:58:33,468 --> 00:58:38,890
[audience laughs]

1269
00:58:45,939 --> 00:58:48,274
It was a dream run.
Dream run to the airport.

1270
00:58:48,566 --> 00:58:51,653
Fifty-nine minute dream run,
then plus the AirTrain, all that bullshit.

1271
00:58:51,736 --> 00:58:54,781
And the saving grace
was that it was an international flight,

1272
00:58:54,864 --> 00:58:56,115
but the first leg is domestic.

1273
00:58:56,199 --> 00:58:58,451
So it's New York to LA,
LA back to Melbourne, Australia.

1274
00:58:58,535 --> 00:59:00,245
And if it's a domestic flight,

1275
00:59:00,328 --> 00:59:02,247
if you get there an hour beforehand,
you're good.

1276
00:59:02,330 --> 00:59:05,959
So I get there at, like, 4:55 p.m.
6:00 p.m. flight.

1277
00:59:06,042 --> 00:59:07,877
You get there before 5:00 p.m.
you're good.

1278
00:59:07,961 --> 00:59:10,213
I get there are 4:55 p.m.
I take my luggage.

1279
00:59:10,296 --> 00:59:12,632
I check that shit in.
I'm like, "Did I make it?"

1280
00:59:12,715 --> 00:59:15,635
They're like, "You made it. You're fine."
I'm like, "Oh, my God! Thank you!

1281
00:59:15,718 --> 00:59:17,637
[laughs] I can't believe I made it."

1282
00:59:17,720 --> 00:59:20,265
I'm in the lounge
sipping champagne by 5:15 p.m.

1283
00:59:20,348 --> 00:59:21,599
[audience laughs]

1284
00:59:22,433 --> 00:59:23,643
I'm like, "I'm a genius."

1285
00:59:23,726 --> 00:59:27,146
My wife calls me. She's still crying.
She's like, "How can you let this happen?"

1286
00:59:27,230 --> 00:59:29,107
I'm like, "Hey, baby, no, don't worry.
I made it.

1287
00:59:29,190 --> 00:59:31,901
I checked in. I'm waiting to board.
Everything's gonna be okay."

1288
00:59:31,985 --> 00:59:35,572
"But it doesn't change the fact
that you forgot the time

1289
00:59:35,655 --> 00:59:37,949
and you risked everything--"

1290
00:59:38,032 --> 00:59:40,034
And I hang up the phone.
I throw it against the wall.

1291
00:59:40,118 --> 00:59:40,994
[audience laughs]

1292
00:59:41,077 --> 00:59:43,663
Because now is not the time
for commiseration, okay?

1293
00:59:44,455 --> 00:59:47,333
We just went through some serious
challenges in our relationship.

1294
00:59:47,417 --> 00:59:49,502
There's plenty of time at a later date
to assign blame

1295
00:59:49,586 --> 00:59:52,714
to all parties responsible
for this fucking fiasco.

1296
00:59:52,797 --> 00:59:54,799
But for the moment,
can we just focus on the present

1297
00:59:54,882 --> 00:59:57,135
and celebrate successes as they come?
Thank you.

1298
00:59:57,302 --> 00:59:58,219
[audience laughs]

1299
00:59:58,428 --> 01:00:00,597
So I hang up the phone.
I throw it against the wall.

1300
01:00:01,306 --> 01:00:03,766
And at 5:15 p.m., I'm sipping champagne...

1301
01:00:05,184 --> 01:00:06,269
[sips] [sighs]

1302
01:00:06,352 --> 01:00:07,854
And at 5:30 p.m.,

1303
01:00:08,229 --> 01:00:09,981
there's a four-hour flight delay.

1304
01:00:10,148 --> 01:00:12,358
[audience laughs]

1305
01:00:14,319 --> 01:00:16,279
So by the time I get to LA,

1306
01:00:16,362 --> 01:00:18,364
I missed the connection
back to Melbourne, Australia,

1307
01:00:18,448 --> 01:00:19,824
and so I missed the tea ceremony.

1308
01:00:19,907 --> 01:00:23,536
I missed the most traditional
Chinese part of the wedding.

1309
01:00:23,953 --> 01:00:25,913
All the families were there.
They were very upset.

1310
01:00:25,997 --> 01:00:29,000
My in-laws were upset, my own family
was upset, my wife was definitely upset.

1311
01:00:29,334 --> 01:00:31,669
Our marriage started off
on a very rocky term.

1312
01:00:31,753 --> 01:00:34,088
I'm still making up for it
to all parties involved,

1313
01:00:34,172 --> 01:00:35,632
my in-laws and my own parents.

1314
01:00:36,466 --> 01:00:38,301
But that's not the point. The point is...

1315
01:00:38,426 --> 01:00:39,677
[audience laughs]

1316
01:00:40,428 --> 01:00:44,015
-that the black guy stood in the subway...
-[audience laughs]

1317
01:00:44,349 --> 01:00:45,975
...he put his foot on the door...

1318
01:00:46,059 --> 01:00:48,144
-[audience applauds]
-...and he held the door open...

1319
01:00:48,561 --> 01:00:51,105
like a real American exercising his right

1320
01:00:51,189 --> 01:00:54,275
to fuck up the entire train line
for one person,

1321
01:00:54,359 --> 01:00:55,777
but he did for someone else!

1322
01:00:55,860 --> 01:00:56,944
He did it for someone else!

1323
01:00:57,070 --> 01:00:58,821
Which is what
this beautiful country is about.

1324
01:00:58,905 --> 01:01:00,573
It's using the freedoms we have

1325
01:01:00,657 --> 01:01:02,992
to help other people
who don't have that many freedoms...

1326
01:01:03,076 --> 01:01:04,410
[audience cheers and applauds]

1327
01:01:04,494 --> 01:01:05,912
...who don't have what we have here.

1328
01:01:05,995 --> 01:01:07,872
You guys have been awesome.
Thanks for listening.

1329
01:01:07,955 --> 01:01:09,457
I'll see you guys later. Thank you.

1330
01:01:09,582 --> 01:01:11,668
[audience cheers and applauds]

1331
01:01:14,671 --> 01:01:15,713
Thank you!

1332
01:01:15,797 --> 01:01:18,007
[cheering and applause continue]

1333
01:01:27,517 --> 01:01:30,812
["The Evening Primrose (Ye Lai Xiang)"
by Li Xianglan plays]

1334
01:01:50,498 --> 01:01:54,335
[woman singing in Chinese]