[cheers and applause]
[upbeat music]
- Welcome to "Nice One,"
the game of competitive kindness
where we ask comedians
to look at the bright side of bad situations
and say nice things about them.
It's a battle of sweetness.
I'm your host and live-action Care Bear,
Ron Funches.
RON: Today we have Finesse Mitchell,
Aida Rodriguez,
Pete Holmes!
[cheers and applause]
I'm gonna give the comedians a topic,
and they just have to say something nice about it.
And every time my friends...
[cheering] hear something they like,
you'll get some points.
Let's get started.
Here's our first topic...
Aida, what do you love about that?
- It strengthened my relationship with the Lord.
[laughter]
- Finesse.
- Not having health insurance
has not necessarily made me stop drinking and driving,
but I definitely won't drink and drive while texting.
' Cause that's dangerous.
- One step at a time.
- Deductibles are a motherfucker, bro.
[laughter]
- Pete.
- The good thing about not having health insurance.
I'm 40. I don't wanna go to the doctor.
He's got thick fingers.
[laughter]
If you don't get it, you have a treat comin' your way.
- Our next topic is...
Pete, what do you love about that vape juice?
- Well, if you have like a pocket vape,
you'll win a lotta cool scar competitions after it blows your dick off?
They explode--I don't know if you remember that.
- Finesse, what do you like about vaping?
- What I like most about vaping
is that it actually saves money on soap and toothpaste
because if you vape as soon as you wake up,
you forget to do all that other shit.
- Aida.
- Finally, a way to get throat cancer without drawing attention to myself.
[beeping] RON: That is the end of round one.
It is time to kick it up a notch!
Up next, the comedians will see a bunch of categories
and they just have to pick one, say something nice.
RON: Finesse? - Knee replacement.
- Okay!
Colin Kaepernick. - Why is he on there?
- Colin Kaepernick is the most controversial man in football,
but all those murderers, wife-beaters, and dog fighters
are right on his tail!
Finesse, say something nice about our brother Colin.
- He is an inspiration for all black men out there
with white boy names.
RON: Pete, your category.
- Small problems.
[ding]
- Is that you?
[laughter]
RON: Terrible twos,
the time that you learn that parenthood and sobriety don't mix.
Pete, can you make me feel good about those adorable little assholes?
- Yeah, by the time this kid's student loans are due, uh,
I'll be dead.
- Aida, you're up, pick a category. - Cavity search.
- Ooh! Goin' to the dentist.
What do you love about the dental office?
- It's the only guy that drugs me in a mask that's not a felon.
- Well, that's the end of the round.
RON: Give a round of applause! [cheers and applause]
Well, let's see what my friends thought.
Let's check our scores.
- Get outta here! RON: Oh...what?!
Finesse, you jumped out to the lead
with 1,035 niceness points.
RON: Aida, I love you. I love you the most.
I would rather make both of them leave.
RON: Thank you so much for playing. - Thank you for having me.
- Please leave.
[laughter]
It's time to find out which one of you is the nicest of all
in our head-to-head contest of sweetness.
It's time for the nice-off in the Friend Zone!
Welcome to the Friend Zone.
[boom] You're gonna come at each other
with your hardest, your strongest,
your fiercest...compliments.
RON: Finesse. - Yes!
RON: You go first.
- Pete, even if you were not 6'6",
I would still look up to you.
- That's very sweet.
- Finesse is in exceptional shape, which makes sense
because he's constantly lifting my spirits.
RON: Oh...
shit, that was emotionally open!
- Sir, you are so striking on camera,
you make me wanna say,
[as Morgan Freeman] "First time I saw Andy walk into Shawshank..."
[applause]
- Finesse, you have this glow about you.
I keep a head shot of yours hanging from my rear view mirror
because it makes my car smell fantastic.
[bell dings]
- That's it! That is a haymaker!
It's over!
[cheers and applause]
PETE: We did it. We did it.
- All right, let's hear it for our comedians.
Give 'em a round of applause!
[cheers and applause]
RON: That was a brutal battle of kindness,
but the nicest person in the world is...
[suspenseful music]
Peter! - Aah!
- Thank you all for comin' by.
We'll see you next time on "Nice One."
- Nice one!