[upbeat music]
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome to "Nice One,"
the game of competitive kindness
where we ask comedians to look at the bright side
of bad situations and say something nice about them.
It's a battle of sweetness,
and I'm your host and organ donor,
Ron Funches.
Today, we have Cameron Esposito,
Solomon Georgio, and Brent Morin.
[cheers and applause]
So I'm gonna give you guys a topic
and you just have to say something nice about it.
And when my friends...
Hi, guys. [audience cheers]
When they hear something they like, they'll give you some points.
Our first topic is perverts.
[laughter]
Brent? [laughter]
- Well... [laughs]
Without perverts, "My Little Pony" would be just for kids.
[laughter]
- Cam?
- Perverts are how I know I'm relevant.
The only thing worse than having a wikiFeet page
is not having a wikiFeet page.
I have one. RON: Solomon?
- If it wasn't for perverts,
I would've never known I was an attractive child.
[laughter] - It's true.
- They gave me the confidence I have today.
[laughter]
- I'ma just move right along.
Okay, our next topic:
incel.
Cam? - Incels are just men who are correct.
I won't fuck them.
[laughter]
BRENT: Aww, that's good.
- Brent?
- Let's just be grateful for what they are.
You know, if they didn't focus all their time
on their un-fuckability in online rants,
then we'd have a lot more people trying to learn the bass, so...
- Solomon?
- Look, if they start getting laid,
Mountain Dew would collapse,
PlayStation would go bankrupt,
and all those sex dolls would have to get jobs as mannequins, so...
- A sex doll is just a lazy mannequin?
[beeping]
It's time to kick it up a notch.
Up next, you'll see a bunch of categories.
You just have to pick one--
say something nice about it.
Solomon?
- I'm gonna go with Under Pressure, Ron.
- Sure. [ding]
Fracking.
Now, personally, I thought fracking was when two puppets fuck.
[laughter]
But from what the Internet tells me,
it's actually really bad for the environment.
Solomon, I don't want "fracking" to be a bad word.
Say something nice about it.
- Fracking is a really fun word, and we need more fun words--
like "facetious."
It's like "feces" and "delicious" put together.
- Cam?
- I'm looking at Dumping Grounds.
- Ooh,
the Starbucks bathroom,
where hipsters go to shit and homeless go to die.
[laughter]
- You can't just smile and say that.
- Yes, I can. That's what makes it work.
BRENT: You know what? You're right.
It does work.
- Cameron, tell me what you love about these rectangles of death.
- Ron, I really appreciate Starbucks bathrooms.
I appreciate that they're always in use, you know?
The only thing less available is every person I've ever dated.
[laughter]
- Brent?
- Dude, Where's My Car? - Absolutely.
[ding] Blacking out.
- Well, I'll tell you, blacking out is the best way to only remember the good times.
[beeping] RON: Nicely done, players.
Let's check in on our scores. [cheers and applause]
Ooh, a close race. - Oh, wow!
- What? - Unfortunately,
in the tightest race we've ever had, Brent,
we have to say goodbye to you. - Hey.
- Get the fuck out!
[laughter, applause]
Oh, all right, Cameron, Solomon,
it's time to find out which one of you is the nicest of all.
It's time for the nice-off...
in the Friend Zone!
[cheers and applause]
Yeah.
Welcome to the Friend Zone. [heavy blast]
You're gonna come at each other with your hardest, your strongest,
your fiercest compliments.
Solomon, start us off.
- I love Cameron. We have so much in common.
We're both gay, we're both comedians,
and we both have names that don't match with what we look like.
[laughter]
- Solomon, you transcend gender.
The only person that pulls off
masculinity and femininity
better than you is me, and that is a high compliment.
- That's very true. I wanna fuck you both.
- Cameron, your full birth name
is Cameron Anne Young Anastasia Esposito.
It figures they gave you enough names for three awesome people.
- Solomon, you first came to the US as a refugee,
and it's because of you that I understand what the president means when he says,
"Refugees are gonna come here and take all of our jobs,"
because you're better than us.
[laughter] [bell dings]
- All right, that is it.
That is it. Let's hear it for our comedians.
[laughs]
Ooh, damn.
We have the results.
Now, it was a brutal battle of kindness,
but the nicest person in the world is...
[air horn blares] Cameron Esposito!
[cheers and applause]
Yeah!
Thanks for coming by.
We'll see you next time on "Nice One."
[cheers and applause]