WWW.MY-SUBS.CO ﻿1
That is the sexiest fucking thing I've ever heard.
- You had a one-night stand? - I know.
I've never done anything like that before.
You know those girls that are, like, confident?
- Yeah, I hate them. - Me too.
I just pretended to be one of them.
Okay, I walked right up to him and decided to be that bitch!
I don't know.
I still think sex is better
when it's with someone you love,
and it's an expression of your commitment.
- Ow, damn it! - That is so boring, Kimberly.
I'm with you, Whitney. Sex is better with strangers.
- End of story. - That is not what I said.
- What? - First of all, good morning.
And second of all, where were you last night?
Oh, my God, she had a one-night stand too!
Fuck, I'm so lame.
You ditched us last night,
and you ignored 20 texts from Kimberly.
And I'm on a limited data plan.
- They still have those? - Uh, yeah. They do.
And so, now if someone texts me, what do I do?
I have to respond with an email
or just hope that I run into them.
Okay, look, I know that we are all roommates,
but that does not mean that I have to tell you
where I'm going and what I'm doing.
Okay, we literally met, like, three days ago.
I don't even remember your last names.
Well, my last name, it's Finkle-- Kimberly Finkle.
And last night, Kimberly Finkle was worried
that Leighton Murray got human-trafficked.
- Okay, Kim. - What? It happens.
- They snatch girls. - Okay.
Okay. You're right. I get it.
I understand that as a pretty, blonde woman, I am a target.
How did this become a compliment to you?
From now on, I will tell you when I am not coming home
but no more details beyond that, okay?
No, I will not agree to that.
I came to college to hear about my roommates' sexploits,
so sit down and tell us who was inside you!
- Ugh! - Bela.
No!
Why am I the only fun one around here?
I'm so excited that classes are finally starting.
Oh, God, you were, like, valedictorian or some shit.
- Weren't you? - I was.
And the salutatorian's GPA wasn't even close.
- What classes are you taking? - I literally don't even know.
I just signed up for anything that started with "intro."
Oh, I'm over there. I'll catch you later, okay?
- Bye! - Bye!
♪ Live without me ♪
♪ You can live without a loss ♪
♪ Secretly you're burning through my veins ♪
♪ Like an overdose, overdose ♪
♪ You're telling me that I can ease the pain ♪
♪ With your overdose, overdose ♪
Oh, hi! Leighton's brother, Nico!
Hey.
- Morning. - Morning. Happy FDOC.
- Huh? - First day of classes.
Oh, right.
So how was the rest of your night?
- It got kind of nuts. - Nice!
Yeah, I drank way too much and woke up somewhere
I definitely shouldn't have been.
- You know how it goes. - Yeah, for sure.
I'm always doing that. I never wake up in my own bed.
Oh, shit,
are you taking French Revolution and Romanticism?
- I am! Are you? - No, I did last year.
- Oh. - That class is legit, though.
You must really like French.
I do. It's kind of my best subject.
In high school, I won a certificate that was signed
by the lieutenant governor of Arizona, no big deal.
All right.
- Well, I'd better go. - Okay.
Hey, Happy FDOC.
You remembered!
♪ Never took your side ♪
♪ Never curse your name ♪
♪ I keep my lips shut tight ♪
♪ Until you go ♪
♪ We've come as far ♪
♪ As we're ever gonna get ♪
- Hello? - ♪ Go, foxes, go ♪
♪ Fight on for Essex ♪
♪ Shout it out loud ♪
Okay, I'm hanging up.
My daughter, she goes to Essex!
- Okay, bye. - No, no, no.
Don't hang up. Don't hang up.
How are ya? Are you loving it, or what?
Yeah. I don't know. It's fine.
What do you mean "fine"?
Honey, it's the first week of college.
It's, like, probably the best seven days of your whole life!
What are you talking about?
Did you make up with Esme and Francesca yet?
What? No, no, I don't even think about them anymore.
They can live their lives, and I can live mine.
Well, that's great, honey. I'm glad.
What else? Have you--have you met any cute boys, or what?
Yeah, a few. I'm actually already pregnant,
and I have no idea who the father is.
Honey, no, no, no.
What did we say about that joke?
It is a joke, right?
Look, I got to go, but I love you, okay?
Okay. I love you too.
But seriously, you were joking, right?
Seriously, please don't get pregnant!
♪ I'm in misery, but you can't seem ♪
♪ As old as your omens ♪
- Yeah! Aw. - I love it so much.
♪ We share never keep your prayer hands ♪
♪ From falling ♪
Esme, Esme's roommate.
Leighton, wait. How have you been?
Francesca and I were worried about you.
I have been amazing.
Actually, my new roommates are phenomenal.
We all get along so well.
Um, would you like to sit with us?
Oh, that's so sweet, but actually,
a bunch of new friends I made are saving me a seat.
Hi! Hey.
Yeah, they're so cute, but thank you.
Well, I am happy you're doing well.
Same. Same to you.
I'll see you both at graduation?
If you make it!
Welcome to Math 350.
We're going to start today off with a quick assessment test.
Yay.
All right. Nice pass. Switch it.
Jena to Whitney. Come on. Get clear.
Nice!
Hey!
That's you, Jena! That's you!
- Go, go, go, go, go! - Over here!
Here, here!
Oh! Motherfucker!
Sorry. My bad.
What the hell kind of a shot was that?
I was open.
You have a fucking wife?!
Okay, I swear. I was going to tell you.
When, Dalton? When? When we were fucking
on your sofa, or when we were fucking in your car?
It's complicated. Michelle and I have been
- having problems, and so-- - Oh, you have?
Oh, my God. Is one of you cheating?
I'm trying to be honest with you right now!
Oh, you want honesty? Okay, you're a fucking creep.
I'm a fucking catch. Never speak to me again.
Whitney, please stop.
Michelle and I haven't slept together in months.
We're barely married anymore, okay?
I think what you and I have is real.
Please don't throw it away because I haven't found
the right time to end things with her.
Do whatever you want. You and I are done.
- Will you just not-- - And this better not
- affect my playing time! - Okay, okay.
Fuck.
Bonjour.
- Bonjour. - Bonjour.
Kimberly.
I think this class is too advanced for you.
I suggest that you drop it.
What? But French is my best subject.
I--I know I didn't do great today,
but I can catch up. I'm--I'm sure of it.
Well, ultimately the decision is yours,
but I promise I am suggesting this
because it is best for you.
You are not ready.
♪ We give meaning to frivolous things ♪
♪ And call them necessary have-to-haves ♪
♪ Like pricey purses and the latest Benzes ♪
♪ And the newest gadgets ♪
Welcome to the to the Catullan.
You eight should be proud of yourselves
for making it through the first cut.
- You're officially funny. - Or at least marginally
funnier than the unfunny people who we've already cut.
Hi, Bela Malhotra. I've been working on this piece
where Billie Eilish raps a warranty page
of a printer manual. It goes like this.
Well, I--I'm sorry.
Were our unspoken rules not clear enough here?
New members aren't allowed to pitch yet.
For the next six weeks,
you'll be interning as our support staff.
If I want Bark Thins and a mocha,
you will get me Bark Thins and a mocha.
And don't be cute and try to write
a funny name on my cup. You will be cut.
Uh, I'm confused. Are we not writers?
Not yet. Those of you who are still around in October
will submit your final pieces for consideration.
But, for now, let's celebrate your small,
recent accomplishment and the long, unrelenting road ahead
with a little bit of snacks and chitchat.
Hey, uh, Evangeline, can I talk to you for a moment?
Sure. I'll catch up with you guys later.
- Yeah. - Don't worry about it.
Hey. I know you and I got off on the wrong foot, and I--
I don't want things to be weird between us.
I sent you an email, apologizing.
- Did you get it? - I did.
I thought I wrote you back.
Oh, maybe it got stuck in my outbox.
It happens.
Ah, yep. It did.
Okay.
Here. Just sent it!
Did you get it?
- I--I did. - Great.
Hey, so what did you guys think
of your first day of classes?
Like, was it easier than you expected,
or harder, or, like, way harder?
- Easier. - Easy.
Easier, not harder?
- both: Easier. - Yeah, yeah, I know.
I thought this place was supposed to be hard,
but my public school education definitely prepared me for it,
definitely.
Like, I'm gonna go do my homework,
and I'll probably be done in, like, four seconds.
But, you know, you've just got to laugh, right?
Like, it's just--it's funny.
- Was that weird? - Hmm?
Oh, I wasn't really listening.
Uh, Miss Murray, can I talk to you
about yesterday's assessment test?
Before you say anything, you should know
that my father did pay for this building.
Okay. Uh, noted.
What I was going to say is that you got
the highest score in the class.
Wait, really?
- I did the best? - Yeah.
Wow. I mean, I would have thought everyone did well.
It was so stupid and easy.
Mm, okay. Well, that's kind of insulting.
Regardless, you need to be in a much higher-level class.
Also, I want to increase the number of women
in my seminar.
To one. So would you consider moving up?
Sure. On one condition.
Based on yesterday's placement test,
one extraordinary student has been selected
to join my advanced section,
and that student is Leighton Murray.
She is a charming and dynamic young woman
who seems like a wonderful friend who you'd hate to lose.
Now we know that
she is objectively the smartest person here.
Congrats, Leighton.
Hashtag, on to bigger and better things.
♪ Never met a pill I didn't know how to take ♪
♪ But that was getting old, I had to give it a break ♪
♪ I never met an emotion I didn't know how to fake ♪
♪ But now I'm getting older, and I want to be straight ♪
Hey, Jena. I love those toe shoes.
Hey, Willow.
Damn, that look she gave you was true hatred.
I would have cried.
- What are you up to tonight? - Nothing.
I'm doing nothing in my apartment, by myself.
Willow, why are you being weird?
I am not being weird.
You're totally being weird. What's going on?
I'm going to Jena's house with the rest of the team.
Are you serious? She invited everyone but me?
No, no. She did not!
She also didn't invite Brittany.
- Who's Brittany? - She's studying abroad.
Ah, don't worry!
I'll go tonight and talk up how chill you are.
I'll fix this!
- Okay. - Okay.
Thank you.
Oh, I don't know, man.
I just thought college would be
a lot more fun and crazy than it's been so far.
- Yeah. - I've been here six days.
I've made multiple enemies,
and I've had zero three-way kisses.
What are you talking about? I mean, two weeks ago,
I was in Ohio, and tonight I'm going to a naked party.
Not many of those in Akron.
- I'm sorry, what? - Oh, Akron is a city in Ohio.
Bitch, you know that's not the detail that I want!
Oh, my God, Travis. It's looking so good!
- Yeah. - What is going on in here?
- It smells awful. - Ugh!
Yeah, Travis is contouring my body.
He's using makeup to subtly enhance my banging bod.
- It's impressive, right? - Yeah.
Nobody has that many abs.
Yeah, those lines are way too dark.
All right? You look like xylophone.
Uh, check yourself. These are
professional-grade tools that I bought gently used on eBay.
Yeah, but why are you doing this?
Because I'm going to a naked party!
- Huh? - To a what?
- So you're going to an orgy? - No, no, no. It's not an orgy!
It's a normal party, except with naked people.
And I'm not going to it. We're going to it.
Travis, could you move to my back
while I address my roommates?
I have come up with undeniable reasons
why each of you should join me and party nude.
- Leighton, you're first. - You are not
going to convince me to go! I'm going to head out.
- Where are you going? - Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I forget to mention where I was going?
Right, I didn't, because it's none of your business.
Bye.
Savage.
- Whitney Chase. - Yeah, I can't make it.
Why is everyone opposed to this party?
Because it sounds weird, Bela!
Fine. Kimberly, it's just us two.
- Mm-hmm. - Men have objectified
women's bodies for tens, if not hundreds of years.
Bela, I'm sorry. I can't make time for this.
Why can't you make time for this?
- I just can't. - Wha--what--
Why is there a tan ass-print on our couch?
What you should be asking is, why aren't there four?
What?
Ugh.
God, you're so much hotter than your profile.
It's like a reverse catfish.
Thanks.
I'm--I'm so sorry.
Does this car seat come out?
It's really digging into my boob.
Oh, it's, like, a whole thing
- to remove it, you know-- - It's fine.
Let's just--
Hey, do you go to Essex?
How--how did you know that?
Uh, your keychain?
What's wrong?
- Are you not out? - No, I'm--
I'm sorry. How is that any of your business?
I didn't mean anything by it. I'm just surprised.
In fact, kids your age came out when they're,
like, six years old. Isn't it cool to be gay now?
Oh, my God.
- Did I upset you? - Uh, no.
No, it's just you have no idea what you are talking about.
- When did you come out? - In high school.
So for someone like you, I'm sure coming out
probably made you more interesting,
but, for me, I was popular,
so I actually have something to lose.
It's hard to find the courage to come out, but it's worth it.
Maybe for you.
I don't want being gay to be my identity.
I like my identity. I don't want to be
the gay Kappa girl or the lesbian cousin.
I don't-- I don't want to be other, okay?
- I just want to be me. - Mm.
- By hiding who you are? - No, I'm--
I came here to hook up, not to be lectured
by some suburban mom in a bad cardigan.
Uh, excuse you. I'm just trying to help.
- Hello, Kimberly. - I bought this tea at a store.
- I don't have a hot plate. - It's okay.
I was just doing my Friday night sweep,
looking for opioids.
I didn't expect anyone to be here.
Oh, I'm taking advantage of the quiet to study.
On a Friday night? You should be out with friends.
Uh, it's okay. I'll go out another night.
Kimberly, the first week of school
is when people find their friends.
My first weekend, I skipped the Swedish mid-September party.
That was when they found the inside joke
they would be utilizing for the next four years,
and I still don't know who Radish Face is.
I fear it may be me.
Well, I can't be the only one staying in today.
Believe you are. Well, if you get lonely
or have dark thoughts,
come over and we can play a board game.
It is my job to be available for... people like you.
Wait for me! I'm coming!
I deserve to have some fun.
- Whoo! Yes, let's go! - Yes!
Yo, we're gonna see each other's tits tonight.
Yes! Remember?
What's up, bitches?
What are you doing here?
I realized I'm not just gonna sit at home
because one girl doesn't want me here for no reason.
There is a reason: she doesn't like you.
Well, she is definitely gonna like me after I give her this.
A basket of lavender soaps and hand creams?
She's the co-captain of the team, not your great-aunt.
This is nice! It has bath crystals in it.
- Mm-mm. - Whatever, okay?
I'm gonna go find Jena, make her my best friend,
- and replace you. - I'm your best friend?
You've known me for, like, four weeks.
Tragic.
I said I was sorry. I don't make the schedule!
It's like I don't even have a girlfriend.
- I'm done. - Stop. Don't do this, Jason!
What the fuck? Why are you in my room?!
I brought you some soaps.
So how does this work?
Do we just take our clothes off and go inside?
I guess.
This just got so real, so quick.
I don't think I can do this.
Fuck it. I'm going in!
Oh, my God, Jocelyn.
You have, like, perfect Keira Knightley boobs.
Well, I'll see you inside?
Whew.
Well...
- Same time? - Same time.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Let's go! - Let's go!
- No, he went down the way! - He went down the whole way.
- Holy-- - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Guys, stop. Hey, Leighton.
- Oh, hey. - What's up?
- Are you, like, alone? - Yeah.
- But it's a Friday night. - Yeah, I know it's Friday.
Maybe I'm going somewhere really fun.
- Are you? - No.
Look, Leight, just because those girls
don't want to live with you doesn't make you a loser.
Yo, what they did was not cool.
- You told them? - Well, yeah. Of course I did.
I mean, that was really fucked up.
Yeah, for what it's worth, we all felt so bad for you.
Okay. Ah. Well, this was horrible,
and I am, uh, I'm going to go drink
until I forget this conversation ever happened.
Leighton, Leighton.
You're gonna make friends soon. I know it.
Everything you're saying is making it worse. Thank you.
Damn, she must be really hurting.
Want to go throw knives at trees?
- Yep. - Let's fucking go.
- Let's go! - Yahoo!
♪ The day you took my voice ♪
♪ The power of my melodies ♪
♪ I knew that this was the day ♪
♪ And then you took my voice ♪
Okay, I don't think you realize it,
but you're aggressively cupping your breasts in shame.
Yes. You're right. I am doing that.
I'm fixing it now. Here we go.
Ah!
I'm proud of you.
- Ready to mingle? - Yeah.
Which group of butts looks more approachable:
the right or the left?
The right butts look kinder,
but I don't know what I'm basing that on.
Yeah, no, I agree. Right butts, for sure.
- Uh-huh. - Let's go.
Hey, Emma is on the lit mag?
Hello, everybody!
So embarrassing that we all wore the same outfit, right?
Is this your first naked party?
No. Why would you say that?
Because you looked down at everyone's junk multiple times.
Naked parties are about being comfortable in your skin,
not objectifying and catching a peek.
Oh, no doubt. No doubt. I know that.
I just looked down again, didn't I?
- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.
So we're not even supposed to look?
What is this, a naked party under Taliban rule?
Why are you two hanging out alone like a bunch of creeps?
People think you're cops.
Maybe we should just go.
I thought this would be the amazing, unforgettable party
I've been waiting for, but that's obviously not the case.
No, we are gonna stay,
and we are gonna make the most of it together.
Jocelyn, you seem so comfortable.
How can we be more like you?
I pregamed a lot, so I'm crazy drunk.
Okay.
Here we go. Oh.
♪ That's the way we get down, down ♪
♪ Turn it up, turn it up ♪
♪ That's the way we get down, down ♪
♪ Turn it up, turn it up ♪
Okay. Well, there's a gift receipt in the basket.
You have 14 days.
Are you okay?
My fucking boyfriend just broke up with me.
Okay.
He can't handle our soccer schedule.
He says I'm never around, like my life should revolve
around hanging out in his frat basement
while he and his friends flick each other in the nuts.
Sounds like a real winner.
You don't fucking know him. His dog just died.
I should not have said that.
It's okay. He does suck.
It's just, not like guys are lining up for me, so--
Jena, what? You're so pretty.
- Oh, fuck you. - You are!
You're tall, you're ripped,
and you're, like, so good at soccer.
That's why it kills me that you don't like me.
So, look, if this guy doesn't get that, fuck him.
Move on. There's plenty of guys out there.
Thanks.
So are we good now?
'Cause I'd love it if you stopped kicking the shit
out of me on the field.
Yeah, we're good.
But you're wrong about one thing:
There aren't many guys our age
who can handle being with girls like us,
so good luck finding one.
I mean, come on. It's a naked party!
Everybody looks at everybody.
You just can't look like you're looking.
Like, right now, I just glanced at your boobs three times.
No, you did not! You were looking at my eyes.
I micro-glanced. The left one is bigger.
Holy hell, she's right. Your left one is bigger.
Hey, do any of you know where a girl named Sarah is?
- No. - Sorry.
I don't.
- Did you see that? - Wow!
Micro-glance!
I'm gonna get a drink.
What the hell?!
- Ugh, of course it's you. - You know what? No.
- You spilled my drink. - And I'm sorry about that,
but I already know where this is going.
You're gonna say something mean to me
and make me feel bad about myself.
I'm a good person!
Did I jerk your boyfriend's dick? I did!
But if I knew he had a girlfriend,
I wouldn't have done it.
Please stop being mean to me.
I'm sorry!
Come over here.
I know I've been... less than kind.
It's because I fought super hard for you in the first cut.
Staff was split about your submission,
and people preferred this guy,
but I thought your stuff was funny, so I pushed for you,
which then made me look like an idiot
when everyone found out that the girl I supported
had a jack-fest with my boyf the night before.
You liked my submission?
- It was pretty solid. - Pretty solid?
You're a first-year. Take it easy.
So, wait, can we just, please, be good now?
I don't want you to hate me.
Yeah, we can be good.
- I think I need to hug you. - Oh!
Oh, jeez, my abs rubbed off on you.
Mm, my boob contour got on you too.
Ah! We both contoured?!
I love us!
- Hey. - Hey.
This will be quick.
Oh, shit. You're wasted.
Nico, at the naked party, I had an epiphany.
You are going to French tutor me...
in French, please.
You're asking me to tutor you at 1:00 in the morning?
Mm-hmm.
Sure, I'll tutor you.
Oh, excellent, and I appreciate.
Good night.
- That's it? - That'll be all, Tutor.
Thank you!
What?
Hello, John. Your hat looks stupid,
and the school you founded sucks.
But I'm sorry you died in the snow.
Hello?
- Hey, it's Chloe. - Who?
You had my nipples in your mouth in a minivan today?
What do you want?
Look, did you not sufficiently lecture me in your car?
I'm just calling to check in on you.
I could tell you're in a really bad place
and just wanted to say that,
it gets better.
Oh, my God. Are you fucking serious?
You're "It Gets Better-ing" me?
Yeah, no, I am fine.
You drive a Ford Windstar. You get better, hmm?
My--my life is great.
Why is everyone fucking pitying me?
Have you seen me?
I'm smart, stylish and as it turns out,
I'm really fucking good at math.
I'm thriving!
- But you're living a lie. - Yeah, I know!
You don't think I fucking know that?!
I'm thriving!
Stop right there!
- Don't move! - Fuck!
Hey, I said stop!
Go around, go around! Stop running!
♪ I could stand out here and tell myself I wasn't ready ♪
♪ I'll get a million-dollar deal ♪
♪ They both are really heavy ♪
♪ Making plans that slip right through my hands ♪
♪ Just like confetti ♪
♪ We could get together, make a baby if you're ready ♪
♪ Pretend I'm nothing special ♪
♪ Yeah, they both are really heavy ♪
♪ Making plans that slip right through my hands ♪
♪ Just like confetti ♪
♪ Ooh, baby ♪
♪ Are you a girl? ♪
♪ Are you a boy? ♪
♪ I'm not your girl ♪
♪ I'm not your boy ♪
♪ Freak, I could stand out here ♪
♪ And tell myself I wasn't ready ♪
♪ I'll get a million-dollar deal ♪
♪ They both are really heavy ♪
♪ Can you love somebody with a mind full of confetti? ♪
♪ Daddy, we could get together ♪
♪ Make a baby if you're ready ♪
♪ Pretend I'm nothing special ♪
♪ Yeah, they both are really heavy ♪
♪ Making plans that slip right through my hands ♪