1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:06,632 --> 00:00:08,342 I want to fuck you so bad. 2 00:00:08,426 --> 00:00:12,138 Me too. You make me so hard. 3 00:00:12,221 --> 00:00:14,307 'Scuse me! 'Scuse me. 4 00:00:14,390 --> 00:00:15,725 Can you stop? 5 00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:18,686 We're dropping our daughter off at school. 6 00:00:20,313 --> 00:00:22,356 - I can see your erection. - Mom! 7 00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:25,610 ♪ Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex ♪ 8 00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:27,737 ♪ Sex sex sex sex sex ♪ 9 00:00:29,030 --> 00:00:30,031 Essex College? 10 00:00:30,114 --> 00:00:31,699 Did you have to pick a school 11 00:00:31,783 --> 00:00:34,160 that was 3,000 miles away from me? 12 00:00:34,243 --> 00:00:36,120 It's almost like I did that on purpose. 13 00:00:36,204 --> 00:00:38,831 I mean, Vermont? Why's it even a state? 14 00:00:38,915 --> 00:00:41,417 Bunch of potheads making maple syrup. 15 00:00:41,501 --> 00:00:43,920 I--I don't know, I'm just happy that you made the time 16 00:00:44,003 --> 00:00:45,379 to drop me off at school. 17 00:00:45,463 --> 00:00:47,882 Oh, okay, go on, honey. 18 00:00:47,965 --> 00:00:50,635 It's just nice to spend time with you. 19 00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:52,512 Goddamm it. 20 00:00:52,595 --> 00:00:57,141 Look, Jackie, I am dropping my daughter off at college today. 21 00:00:57,225 --> 00:00:59,352 That is the only thing that matters. 22 00:01:00,937 --> 00:01:04,190 Oh, CNN? Okay, yes, put them through. 23 00:01:04,273 --> 00:01:06,400 Sorry. 24 00:01:06,484 --> 00:01:09,445 Jake Tapper. How you doin', sweetheart? 25 00:01:09,529 --> 00:01:12,448 What am I commenting on today? 26 00:01:14,617 --> 00:01:16,035 Look, Beta, I brought a surprise for you 27 00:01:16,118 --> 00:01:19,914 to remind you of home. It's Mr. Busby! 28 00:01:19,997 --> 00:01:22,041 - Mom, are you serious? - What? 29 00:01:22,124 --> 00:01:23,751 You love Mr. Busby. 30 00:01:23,835 --> 00:01:26,170 Mom, I'm not bringing my teddy bear to college with me. 31 00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:28,548 I'm 18 years old, I'm in the middle of my reinvention. 32 00:01:28,631 --> 00:01:30,550 Not with the reinvention again. 33 00:01:30,633 --> 00:01:32,343 Dad, remember when Ben Affleck 34 00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,554 got that giant back tattoo of a phoenix rising up 35 00:01:34,637 --> 00:01:35,888 from the ashes? 36 00:01:35,972 --> 00:01:37,473 Is he in "Manchester by the Sea"? 37 00:01:37,557 --> 00:01:40,393 - Oh, very sad film. - That's the other Affleck. 38 00:01:40,476 --> 00:01:42,562 Look, that phoenix made total sense to me. 39 00:01:42,645 --> 00:01:43,646 Ben needed a change. 40 00:01:43,729 --> 00:01:45,439 He needed to transform his life 41 00:01:45,523 --> 00:01:47,358 with a permanent physical metamorphosis. 42 00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:48,901 And so did I. 43 00:01:48,985 --> 00:01:51,612 Four months ago, I was an Indian loser with cystic acne, 44 00:01:51,696 --> 00:01:53,447 sweaty armpits, and glasses. 45 00:01:53,531 --> 00:01:56,075 But with Lasik procedure, an Accutane prescription, 46 00:01:56,158 --> 00:01:58,953 and medical-grade Botox injected into my armpits, 47 00:01:59,036 --> 00:02:00,246 I'm normal. 48 00:02:00,329 --> 00:02:02,415 So should I throw Mr. Busby away? 49 00:02:02,498 --> 00:02:04,083 No, Mom, don't be stupid. 50 00:02:04,166 --> 00:02:06,419 Just take him home and put him on a shelf in my bedroom. 51 00:02:10,882 --> 00:02:12,341 - Hey, there, kiddo. - Hey, Dad. 52 00:02:12,425 --> 00:02:15,052 Before we go inside, I just want to say... 53 00:02:15,136 --> 00:02:16,554 Um, Dad. 54 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:17,847 Don't cry, please. 55 00:02:17,930 --> 00:02:19,265 You're the first Finkle to go to college. 56 00:02:19,348 --> 00:02:20,975 Dad, I need you not to cry right now. 57 00:02:21,058 --> 00:02:22,560 And I'm so proud of you. You're such a special girl. 58 00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:23,936 - Honey, honey-- - I haven't told you enough. 59 00:02:24,020 --> 00:02:25,187 Why don't you go inside 60 00:02:25,271 --> 00:02:26,397 and just get yourself together. 61 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:28,774 Go sit in the car. 62 00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:38,951 Honey, you got to promise me you're gonna be careful 63 00:02:39,035 --> 00:02:42,705 because you're gonna meet all kinds of, um, new people. 64 00:02:42,788 --> 00:02:44,790 Are you saying that because they're Middle Eastern? 65 00:02:44,874 --> 00:02:46,042 That's so offensive. 66 00:02:46,125 --> 00:02:47,543 I came here because it's diverse. 67 00:02:47,627 --> 00:02:49,128 We're from the whitest town in the world. 68 00:02:49,211 --> 00:02:51,631 - Dad won't even eat tacos. - Someone say tacos? 69 00:02:51,714 --> 00:02:54,634 I can't handle that today, my stomach is already a mess. 70 00:02:54,717 --> 00:02:56,969 No, honey, no ethnic food. I promise. 71 00:02:57,053 --> 00:03:00,723 No, I meant rich people. They can be a bad influence. 72 00:03:00,806 --> 00:03:02,475 Do you remember that Caleb Vicars boy? 73 00:03:02,558 --> 00:03:04,518 He was two grades above you, he got into Penn, 74 00:03:04,602 --> 00:03:06,979 met some rich friends, he got addicted to cocaine, 75 00:03:07,063 --> 00:03:09,065 and got arrested... 76 00:03:10,149 --> 00:03:11,567 For selling his body. 77 00:03:11,651 --> 00:03:13,361 - Mom! - I don't want that future 78 00:03:13,444 --> 00:03:15,488 - for you. - Yeah, Mom, I don't want to 79 00:03:15,571 --> 00:03:17,698 become a prostitute either. 80 00:03:20,952 --> 00:03:23,412 Something about New England, isn't there? 81 00:03:23,496 --> 00:03:25,790 Maybe it's the trees, or the rivers, the air-- 82 00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,208 I just feel so alive here. 83 00:03:27,291 --> 00:03:28,960 Dad, you're obsessed with New England. 84 00:03:29,043 --> 00:03:31,087 I mean, it's like you want to have sex with New England. 85 00:03:31,170 --> 00:03:33,172 Ha. That's not possible. 86 00:03:34,090 --> 00:03:36,008 God, Esme and Francesca haven't texted me back yet. 87 00:03:36,092 --> 00:03:39,178 They probably have a ton of new inside jokes by now. 88 00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:41,389 You know, honey, are you sure it's the best idea 89 00:03:41,472 --> 00:03:44,225 to be roommates in college with your friends from high school? 90 00:03:44,308 --> 00:03:45,726 Shouldn't you branch out? 91 00:03:45,810 --> 00:03:48,104 Dad, Esme and Francesca are my soulmates. 92 00:03:48,187 --> 00:03:50,856 Okay, they are literally the best people I have ever known. 93 00:03:50,940 --> 00:03:52,483 Okay, but what about that time 94 00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:54,986 that Francesca totally abandoned you in Cape Cod? 95 00:03:55,069 --> 00:03:56,696 She was having a really tough time, okay? 96 00:03:56,779 --> 00:03:58,531 Her dad just got audited. 97 00:03:58,614 --> 00:03:59,949 Honey, I think what I'm trying to say is 98 00:04:00,032 --> 00:04:01,367 I don't think Esme and Francesca 99 00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:03,786 are the best influences on you, you know? 100 00:04:03,869 --> 00:04:05,371 They're kinda...assholes? 101 00:04:05,454 --> 00:04:08,874 Dad, can you please not call my friends assholes? 102 00:04:08,958 --> 00:04:10,626 All right? And it doesn't even make a difference, okay? 103 00:04:10,710 --> 00:04:12,837 We're already living together. 104 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,463 Well, if that's what makes you happy. 105 00:04:14,547 --> 00:04:17,216 I mean, I guess what's really important is that 106 00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:19,884 my baby girl is going to my alma mater! 107 00:04:19,969 --> 00:04:22,054 I'm telling you, after the next four years, 108 00:04:22,138 --> 00:04:25,307 you're probably gonna want to have sex with New England too. 109 00:04:27,143 --> 00:04:29,520 Dale, I hope you're using your legs to push that. 110 00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:31,480 I can't tell what I'm using, Carol. 111 00:04:31,564 --> 00:04:33,482 ♪ For you ♪ 112 00:04:33,566 --> 00:04:35,109 ♪ Can't wait to push your button ♪ 113 00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:44,410 Earth to Kimberly. 114 00:04:44,493 --> 00:04:46,329 Your father's sciatica's gonna act up at any minute now, here. 115 00:04:46,412 --> 00:04:47,747 - Help him out. - I got it, Carol. 116 00:04:47,830 --> 00:04:49,582 You know what? I'll do it, I'll do it. 117 00:04:49,665 --> 00:04:51,333 Mom, could you change your jeans 118 00:04:51,417 --> 00:04:53,002 before anyone gets here? 119 00:04:53,085 --> 00:04:55,713 - Hey! - Hey, you must be Kimberly! 120 00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:58,299 Oh, my Gosh! I'm so excited! 121 00:04:58,382 --> 00:04:59,592 We're your roommates. 122 00:04:59,675 --> 00:05:02,428 I'm Bela, that's Whitney, that's Leighton. 123 00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:04,346 Just kidding, they're my Indian parents. 124 00:05:04,430 --> 00:05:06,307 - Oh! - It's nice to meet you. 125 00:05:06,390 --> 00:05:09,060 Oh it's nice to meet you too. These are my parents. 126 00:05:09,143 --> 00:05:10,269 Carol and Dale. 127 00:05:10,353 --> 00:05:12,229 - Hello. - Great to meet you. 128 00:05:13,522 --> 00:05:14,940 We're Irish. 129 00:05:15,024 --> 00:05:17,526 Yeah, there's an Indian restaurant in our town. 130 00:05:17,610 --> 00:05:19,612 Never been. 131 00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:22,406 I love your Seth Meyers poster. 132 00:05:22,490 --> 00:05:25,659 - You can really see his face. - Thanks. 133 00:05:25,743 --> 00:05:27,369 Yeah, he's sort of my dream guy. 134 00:05:27,453 --> 00:05:29,997 Double-threat writer and performer on "SNL," 135 00:05:30,081 --> 00:05:31,373 just like I want to be. 136 00:05:31,457 --> 00:05:33,793 It's like, I want to have sex with him. 137 00:05:33,876 --> 00:05:36,212 But I also want to be him. 138 00:05:37,421 --> 00:05:38,631 Hey, did you Google the other girls? 139 00:05:38,714 --> 00:05:40,132 I obviously did. 140 00:05:40,216 --> 00:05:41,967 Can you believe we're living with Whitney Chase? 141 00:05:42,051 --> 00:05:43,969 I know, it is so cool that we're living 142 00:05:44,053 --> 00:05:45,304 with a senator's daughter. 143 00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:46,972 I bought a copy of the Constitution 144 00:05:47,056 --> 00:05:48,516 for her mom to sign. 145 00:05:48,599 --> 00:05:49,892 Wouldn't it be nuts if, like, two years from now, 146 00:05:49,975 --> 00:05:51,268 we were all still rooming together, 147 00:05:51,352 --> 00:05:52,812 but she was, like, president or something? 148 00:05:52,895 --> 00:05:55,064 Oh, she's popular, sure, I just don't think 149 00:05:55,147 --> 00:05:57,066 she's respected enough to be president. 150 00:05:57,149 --> 00:05:58,609 Interesting. Ha ha. 151 00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:01,320 I'd like to give a quick rebuttal to that. 152 00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:04,198 Senator Evette Chase from the great state of Washington. 153 00:06:04,281 --> 00:06:06,408 It is so lovely to meet all of you. 154 00:06:06,492 --> 00:06:09,537 - Hey, I'm Whitney. - Oh, of course. 155 00:06:09,620 --> 00:06:12,498 There you are, my daughter. 156 00:06:12,581 --> 00:06:15,418 Oh, it's very exciting to meet you, Your Honor. 157 00:06:15,501 --> 00:06:16,961 You don't have to bow. 158 00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,796 Can I take a photo with you to put on the wall 159 00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:21,340 - of one of my restaurants? - Maybe later. 160 00:06:21,423 --> 00:06:22,842 Earl, can you close the door? 161 00:06:22,925 --> 00:06:25,845 I have a few things I want to say in private. 162 00:06:28,514 --> 00:06:32,017 North Con Hall-- buncha great memories here. 163 00:06:32,101 --> 00:06:33,769 One time, I drank so many White Russians, 164 00:06:33,853 --> 00:06:35,855 I threw up out of that window right there. 165 00:06:35,938 --> 00:06:39,191 - Ew, Dad. - You're gonna love it here. 166 00:06:39,275 --> 00:06:41,152 Yeah. 167 00:06:41,235 --> 00:06:43,487 I already do. 168 00:06:43,571 --> 00:06:46,699 It goes without saying, I am a very public figure. 169 00:06:46,782 --> 00:06:48,826 Oh, we get it, we know all about your divorce. 170 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:51,245 Your ex sounded like a real deadbeat. 171 00:06:51,328 --> 00:06:53,539 - Thank you, he was. - That's my dad. 172 00:06:53,622 --> 00:06:55,249 Here's what I don't need. 173 00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:57,293 I don't need to get woken up in the middle of the night 174 00:06:57,376 --> 00:06:59,920 by some frantic phone call telling me Whitney 175 00:07:00,004 --> 00:07:02,214 is getting high on opioids with the roommates 176 00:07:02,298 --> 00:07:04,633 and streaking across the quad with their junk hanging out. 177 00:07:04,717 --> 00:07:06,427 - Mom! - Our Kimmy has never 178 00:07:06,510 --> 00:07:08,220 touched drugs or alcohol. 179 00:07:08,304 --> 00:07:10,389 She doesn't go out much. 180 00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:12,057 I believe it. 181 00:07:12,141 --> 00:07:14,059 And you don't have to worry about me, Senator Chase. 182 00:07:14,143 --> 00:07:16,562 I'm a committed student eager to study the sciences. 183 00:07:16,645 --> 00:07:21,233 Okay, that felt forced. Look, I care about you girls. 184 00:07:21,317 --> 00:07:24,403 Just don't embarrass me, because then you're dead to me. 185 00:07:24,486 --> 00:07:27,031 Oh, and if you could not tweet for the next four years, 186 00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:28,407 that'd be great. 187 00:07:30,868 --> 00:07:33,954 Oh, my gosh, you must be Leighton! 188 00:07:34,038 --> 00:07:35,915 We're so happy to meet you. 189 00:07:35,998 --> 00:07:37,958 I'm sorry, who the fuck are you? 190 00:07:38,042 --> 00:07:39,543 - Leighton! - What? 191 00:07:39,627 --> 00:07:43,297 - Where are Francesca and Esme? - Who are they? 192 00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:45,841 Uh, my best friends and my roommates? 193 00:07:45,925 --> 00:07:48,469 Dude, I think we're your roommates. 194 00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:54,767 No. No, no, no, no. 195 00:07:57,019 --> 00:07:59,313 Very nice to meet you all. 196 00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:01,106 Have a great time in college. 197 00:08:08,530 --> 00:08:09,823 - Hey, Leight! - Hi! 198 00:08:09,907 --> 00:08:12,743 What the fuck is going on? 199 00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:15,079 This is our roommate, Siddhartha. 200 00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:18,040 We just showed up, 201 00:08:18,123 --> 00:08:19,667 and they assigned us with that random girl. 202 00:08:19,750 --> 00:08:21,085 Trust me, we were just as upset as you are. 203 00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:22,670 Okay, but how did this happen? 204 00:08:22,753 --> 00:08:24,088 I mean, we filled out the rooming questionnaire 205 00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:26,340 - the exact same way. - I know! 206 00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:29,134 Is it possible that maybe you messed up your answers? 207 00:08:29,218 --> 00:08:32,137 I mean, writing wasn't your strong suit at Spence. 208 00:08:32,221 --> 00:08:34,640 Excuse me! She's a great writer, okay? 209 00:08:34,722 --> 00:08:38,143 She wrote her Nana's eulogy-- not a dry eye in the house. 210 00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:39,352 Dad! 211 00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:42,188 See? Assholes. Not you. 212 00:08:42,273 --> 00:08:44,191 Look, I don't know how this got so fucked up, 213 00:08:44,275 --> 00:08:46,652 but I am gonna fix this somehow, all right? 214 00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:48,320 Please! 215 00:08:52,992 --> 00:08:54,952 - Love you, baby. - Be good, Beta. 216 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:57,246 Don't follow me on social. 217 00:08:57,329 --> 00:08:59,665 - I love you. - I love you too. 218 00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:03,085 All right, girls, take care of each other. 219 00:09:03,168 --> 00:09:05,462 And remember, no single-use plastics. 220 00:09:06,130 --> 00:09:07,673 Hey, are you good? 221 00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:10,259 Your dad was shaking pretty hard when he said goodbye. 222 00:09:10,342 --> 00:09:11,677 Oh, he's fine. 223 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,429 I'm sure he's finished crying by now anyway. 224 00:09:13,512 --> 00:09:16,557 Love you, peanut! 225 00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:24,398 Welcome. Take a comfy seat. 226 00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:26,734 Does this mean you are our roommate? 227 00:09:26,817 --> 00:09:27,818 Oh, no, no. 228 00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:29,069 But there's been a clerical error 229 00:09:29,153 --> 00:09:30,404 that I need to address tomorrow, 230 00:09:30,487 --> 00:09:31,989 so I'll need to stay for one night. 231 00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:33,240 Well, we already picked rooms, 232 00:09:33,324 --> 00:09:35,034 so you're with Bela. 233 00:09:35,117 --> 00:09:37,202 Even though it's one night, we should probably sidebar 234 00:09:37,286 --> 00:09:39,455 about a system in case either of us brings a dude home. 235 00:09:39,538 --> 00:09:42,541 Okay, everyone, my name is Frude Rasmunssen, 236 00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:46,211 and I will be your Freshman Advisor and Friend, 237 00:09:46,295 --> 00:09:49,548 aka, your FAF. Welcome to Essex! 238 00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:55,554 We'll start with some icebreakers. 239 00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:58,932 Let's go around and share a time when we felt scared. 240 00:09:59,016 --> 00:10:00,559 I'll start. 241 00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:03,479 Avalanche during a family reunion. 242 00:10:03,562 --> 00:10:06,565 I lost several relatives and was, myself, entombed 243 00:10:06,648 --> 00:10:08,650 for many days. 244 00:10:08,734 --> 00:10:10,194 Next? 245 00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:11,904 I'm scared of my stalker. 246 00:10:11,987 --> 00:10:13,906 I'm kind of a big deal on TikTok. 247 00:10:13,989 --> 00:10:15,908 Malia Obama follows me. 248 00:10:15,991 --> 00:10:18,869 Holy shit, she has 200,000 followers. 249 00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,663 Oh, my God, you do song parodies? 250 00:10:20,746 --> 00:10:22,247 - Ooh! - Whoa! 251 00:10:22,331 --> 00:10:24,833 ♪ Don't go chasing extra smalls ♪ 252 00:10:24,917 --> 00:10:27,961 That was for a body positivity campaign for Kind Bars, 253 00:10:28,045 --> 00:10:30,214 - which are delicious. - So cool! 254 00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:31,882 Who else? 255 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:35,094 Um, I am a little nervous about my work-study interview 256 00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:36,929 - tomorrow. - Wait, you have a job? 257 00:10:37,012 --> 00:10:38,680 Well, I applied for one. 258 00:10:38,764 --> 00:10:40,391 Yes, great, Kimberly. 259 00:10:40,474 --> 00:10:44,395 And don't worry, many students at Essex have student jobs. 260 00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:46,730 Who else has one? 261 00:10:46,814 --> 00:10:48,816 Anyone? 262 00:10:48,899 --> 00:10:51,819 I guess perhaps it is just you here. 263 00:10:51,902 --> 00:10:53,237 Cool. 264 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,114 Look, Frude, I'm sure you're good at this, 265 00:10:55,197 --> 00:10:57,991 - but sharing our fears isn't-- - I'm scared because I'm gay. 266 00:10:58,075 --> 00:10:59,660 I was in the closet all through high school, 267 00:10:59,743 --> 00:11:01,161 and I don't want to do that again, 268 00:11:01,245 --> 00:11:02,663 so I promised myself I would tell everyone 269 00:11:02,746 --> 00:11:06,250 the minute I got here. Guys, I'm gay. 270 00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:08,377 - Oh. - Okay. 271 00:11:09,670 --> 00:11:12,756 Oh, I'm gay too. I've been out since I was 12. 272 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:16,135 It wasn't easy in Oklahoma, but I had to be me. 273 00:11:16,218 --> 00:11:19,179 - Aw! - He's so handsome. 274 00:11:20,556 --> 00:11:21,974 This is great. 275 00:11:22,057 --> 00:11:25,018 We are learning so much about our new gay friends! 276 00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:29,940 So, why did you all pick Essex? 277 00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,483 Oh, I'm here for the "Catullan." 278 00:11:31,567 --> 00:11:33,694 The college comedy magazine. 279 00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:35,487 It's a big deal in the comedy world. 280 00:11:35,571 --> 00:11:38,198 A ton of writers on "SNL" got their start on the "Catullan." 281 00:11:38,282 --> 00:11:39,825 Cool! I came 'cause it's prestigious. 282 00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:42,744 I'm gonna graduate summa, and then I'm gonna go 283 00:11:42,828 --> 00:11:44,121 to a tier one law school, 284 00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,165 and then Max and I are gonna move to DC 285 00:11:46,248 --> 00:11:47,499 where we're gonna become a power couple 286 00:11:47,583 --> 00:11:49,084 like Kamala and Doug. 287 00:11:49,168 --> 00:11:50,377 Are any of you in relationships? 288 00:11:50,461 --> 00:11:52,838 Oh,no, thank you. 289 00:11:52,921 --> 00:11:55,090 I didn't come to college to be tethered to some dude 290 00:11:55,174 --> 00:11:56,633 I dated in high school. 291 00:11:56,717 --> 00:11:58,218 Also, I never really dated anyone in high school, 292 00:11:58,302 --> 00:12:00,721 but I'm here, I'm super sex-positive-- 293 00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:02,306 in theory more than in experience. 294 00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:04,057 And I am ready to smash some Ds. 295 00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:07,603 Max and I are waiting. Not for any weird reason. 296 00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:10,355 - He's just not ready. - He's not ready? 297 00:12:10,439 --> 00:12:12,316 - Oh, God. - What? What's wrong with that? 298 00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:14,693 Oh, boys are born ready, so something's up. 299 00:12:14,776 --> 00:12:16,862 Yeah, is he, like, waiting but also, like, 300 00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:19,072 really up to date on "Drag Race"? 301 00:12:19,156 --> 00:12:20,532 Oh, no, it's nothing like that. 302 00:12:20,616 --> 00:12:21,992 It's gonna be worth the wait. 303 00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:23,994 People tell him he looks like Shawn Mendes. 304 00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:25,370 Ooh! 305 00:12:25,454 --> 00:12:26,622 Hey, have you all seen that video 306 00:12:26,705 --> 00:12:28,373 of Shawn Mendes taking a shower? 307 00:12:28,457 --> 00:12:30,209 It is very good. 308 00:12:36,632 --> 00:12:39,218 - Step, step, step! - Get it, get it! 309 00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:44,223 ♪ The love in my got got got got got ♪ 310 00:12:44,306 --> 00:12:46,934 ♪ The love in my got got got got got ♪ 311 00:12:47,017 --> 00:12:48,560 ♪ The love in my ♪ 312 00:12:52,231 --> 00:12:54,066 She's good. 313 00:12:54,149 --> 00:12:55,692 All right, ladies, hustle! 314 00:12:55,776 --> 00:12:57,361 Now's when you should be impressing me! 315 00:13:08,872 --> 00:13:11,792 I see you smiling, feeling all proud of yourself. 316 00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:13,961 Me? No, I wasn't. 317 00:13:14,044 --> 00:13:15,712 You should smile. You're fast, rookie. 318 00:13:15,796 --> 00:13:17,631 Just don't get too cocky. 319 00:13:18,549 --> 00:13:20,342 Oh, I really like your sticker. 320 00:13:20,425 --> 00:13:22,010 Oh, thanks. 321 00:13:22,094 --> 00:13:23,929 I don't know what it means, but I saw it at a gas station 322 00:13:24,012 --> 00:13:26,390 and was like, "That would be cool in my locker." 323 00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:29,434 Oh, well, I think it's meant for people who identify as-- 324 00:13:29,518 --> 00:13:31,645 I'm just playing. I'm super gay. 325 00:13:31,728 --> 00:13:36,149 Like, I'm the LeBron James of being attracted to women. 326 00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:38,360 - I'm Willow. - Whitney. 327 00:13:39,069 --> 00:13:41,947 If I had a silver spoon like that, I'd run really fast too. 328 00:13:42,030 --> 00:13:43,490 She thinks she's hot shit. 329 00:13:43,574 --> 00:13:45,742 The only reason she gets playing time as a freshman 330 00:13:45,826 --> 00:13:47,369 - is because of who her mom is. - Oh, my God, Jena, 331 00:13:47,452 --> 00:13:49,037 - you're so bad. - I know that I'm a better 332 00:13:49,121 --> 00:13:50,581 forward than she is... 333 00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:53,292 - You good? - Yeah, yeah, I'm good. 334 00:13:53,375 --> 00:13:55,127 Cool. 335 00:13:56,420 --> 00:13:58,130 - Coach? - Yeah. 336 00:13:59,590 --> 00:14:01,133 Hey, can I talk to you about something? 337 00:14:01,216 --> 00:14:03,218 Course. What's up? 338 00:14:03,302 --> 00:14:05,804 It's kind of serious. 339 00:14:05,887 --> 00:14:07,306 I just-- I'm finding it really difficult 340 00:14:07,389 --> 00:14:08,765 to concentrate during practice 341 00:14:08,849 --> 00:14:11,643 because I want to fuck you so bad. 342 00:14:11,727 --> 00:14:14,813 - Whit, what the hell? - I'm so sorry, I had to. 343 00:14:14,896 --> 00:14:16,106 There are people still here. 344 00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:17,899 Everyone's gone except like one janitor. 345 00:14:17,983 --> 00:14:19,401 Hold on, is it Joe or Alejandro? 346 00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:20,986 'Cause Alejandro notices everything. 347 00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:25,657 Chill, no one saw. And no one will see this. 348 00:14:29,328 --> 00:14:31,413 - We still on for tonight? - Yeah. 349 00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:33,874 - Now get out of here. - Okay. 350 00:14:35,292 --> 00:14:36,501 - Oh, my God, really? - Yep. 351 00:14:36,585 --> 00:14:37,794 - I got the job? - Yep. 352 00:14:37,878 --> 00:14:39,171 Oh, cool! 353 00:14:39,254 --> 00:14:41,298 So, all employees of Essex Sips need 354 00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:42,883 to submit their timesheets online 355 00:14:42,966 --> 00:14:45,093 through the, uh, financial aid work-study portal. 356 00:14:45,177 --> 00:14:47,804 - Okay. - Portal, guh. 357 00:14:47,888 --> 00:14:49,348 What are we on, "Star Trek"? 358 00:14:49,431 --> 00:14:51,516 It's funny, right? 359 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:54,061 - You like funny things? - Um, yeah. 360 00:14:54,144 --> 00:14:56,188 I know, we both can say what we think is funny 361 00:14:56,271 --> 00:14:57,773 - on the count of three. - Oh, uh, no-- 362 00:14:57,856 --> 00:15:00,359 Yeah! We'll do it together. One, two, three. 363 00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:01,943 - Uh, memes. - Avenue Q. 364 00:15:02,027 --> 00:15:03,862 - Oh, memes, that's good too. - Yeah. 365 00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:05,989 Wow, I think we're gonna get along. 366 00:15:06,073 --> 00:15:08,784 - You have a good personality. - Oh, thank you. 367 00:15:08,867 --> 00:15:10,452 Can I tell you something, between us? 368 00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:12,412 I have some issues with the other work-study kids 369 00:15:12,496 --> 00:15:13,789 that I manage. 370 00:15:13,872 --> 00:15:15,415 They just have got a lot of attitude. 371 00:15:15,499 --> 00:15:17,793 Oh, well, I really need this job to pay for school, 372 00:15:17,876 --> 00:15:20,253 so the only kind of attitude I have is "can do." 373 00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:23,340 That's great, very clever. 374 00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:25,008 Okay, everybody, huddle up. 375 00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:28,387 Before we open, I'd like you to meet our new trainee. 376 00:15:28,470 --> 00:15:30,889 This is Kimberly, and she loves memes. 377 00:15:32,808 --> 00:15:35,519 In addition to other hobbies and interests, you know? 378 00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:38,605 Which I can't think of right now, but I have them. 379 00:15:38,689 --> 00:15:40,190 - Canaan. - Lila. 380 00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:42,776 Cool. I'm really excited to be working 381 00:15:42,859 --> 00:15:44,111 at Sips with you guys. 382 00:15:44,194 --> 00:15:46,446 I--I'm sure we'll have a "latte" fun. 383 00:15:48,907 --> 00:15:51,493 I just want to say, you are a wonderful little lady. 384 00:15:51,576 --> 00:15:53,370 - Okay. - Oh, is that the menu? 385 00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:54,746 It is. 386 00:15:54,830 --> 00:15:56,331 You know what could be so cute is if we did 387 00:15:56,415 --> 00:15:57,958 little chalk drawings that changed every day. 388 00:15:58,041 --> 00:16:00,377 Like, today, we could do leaves. 389 00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:01,962 Because it's September. 390 00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:04,256 I love it, yes. 391 00:16:04,339 --> 00:16:06,091 Lila, you're always doodling. 392 00:16:06,174 --> 00:16:07,592 I want you to come in a few minutes early 393 00:16:07,676 --> 00:16:08,927 and decorate the board. 394 00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:10,595 Why me? She suggested it. 395 00:16:10,679 --> 00:16:12,139 Well, you're artsy, you know, so just have fun with it 396 00:16:12,222 --> 00:16:13,932 and draw some goddamn leaves. 397 00:16:17,269 --> 00:16:20,397 So what did you say your last name was again? 398 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:24,776 Murray, as in Murray library. The library next door. 399 00:16:24,860 --> 00:16:27,738 I slipped and fell there last winter. 400 00:16:27,821 --> 00:16:30,532 - Broke my tailbone. - I'm very sorry to hear that. 401 00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:32,284 But can we please focus on my problem? 402 00:16:32,367 --> 00:16:34,953 It's extremely distressing to be separated 403 00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:36,455 from one's best friends. 404 00:16:36,538 --> 00:16:38,707 Okay, looks like you submitted 405 00:16:38,790 --> 00:16:40,250 a personal habits survey 406 00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:43,462 with Esme Schaffer and Francesca Bromley 407 00:16:43,545 --> 00:16:46,465 and got a 99% match-up with both of them. 408 00:16:46,548 --> 00:16:49,468 Exactly, but then there was some glitch in the system, 409 00:16:49,551 --> 00:16:51,970 or something, and they got assigned with some random girl 410 00:16:52,053 --> 00:16:54,306 with weird clothes, bless her heart. 411 00:16:54,389 --> 00:16:57,017 Well, in addition to the survey, they also wrote 412 00:16:57,100 --> 00:16:59,811 specific directions in who they wanted in a roommate. 413 00:16:59,895 --> 00:17:03,940 Specific how, let me see. 414 00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:07,026 "Do not room us with Leighton Murray"? 415 00:17:07,110 --> 00:17:09,612 Why? Why the hell would they write that? 416 00:17:09,696 --> 00:17:13,742 I know. You seem like such a joy. 417 00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:16,911 Welcome to the "Catullan" Perspective Writer's meeting. 418 00:17:16,995 --> 00:17:19,497 We're the co-editors. I'm Ryan, this is Eric. 419 00:17:19,581 --> 00:17:21,123 We want to start by saying thank you. 420 00:17:21,208 --> 00:17:23,001 It's really great to see such a big turnout. 421 00:17:23,083 --> 00:17:25,670 That being said, know this going in. 422 00:17:25,754 --> 00:17:28,173 "The Catullan" is the most selective extra-curricular 423 00:17:28,256 --> 00:17:30,175 - on campus. - What about a cappella? 424 00:17:30,258 --> 00:17:31,760 Hey, fuck a cappella! 425 00:17:31,843 --> 00:17:33,804 Look, sure, what Eric's saying is technically correct. 426 00:17:33,887 --> 00:17:35,388 But I think we're getting ahead of things here. 427 00:17:35,472 --> 00:17:37,599 Writing for a comedy magazine is fun, 428 00:17:37,682 --> 00:17:39,851 and we look forward to reading your writing samples. 429 00:17:39,935 --> 00:17:43,522 3 pieces, 600 words, no puns, I'm serious. 430 00:17:43,605 --> 00:17:45,690 But rather than me telling you why you should submit, 431 00:17:45,774 --> 00:17:50,278 let's see what some of our recent alums have to say. 432 00:17:50,362 --> 00:17:53,281 I'm Oliver Roni, I wrote for "The Catullan" last year, 433 00:17:53,365 --> 00:17:55,075 and now I'm a writer's assistant 434 00:17:55,158 --> 00:17:59,120 on a new animated show about a suburban white family. 435 00:17:59,204 --> 00:18:00,747 Holy shit! 436 00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:04,376 - $20. - $20 if I make this? 437 00:18:04,459 --> 00:18:06,002 Straight to you, cash now. 438 00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:07,587 - Okay, ready? - Go ahead. 439 00:18:07,671 --> 00:18:09,214 - Did you see that? - Oh, okay. 440 00:18:09,297 --> 00:18:11,216 I'll give it to you, I'll give it to you. 441 00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:16,638 - Hey, Canaan. - Hey. 442 00:18:17,514 --> 00:18:20,809 - Do you like Jay-Z? - Yeah, I--I guess. 443 00:18:20,892 --> 00:18:23,937 Yeah, I mean, I think his music is so dope. 444 00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:25,814 And some would say he's more than a musician. 445 00:18:25,897 --> 00:18:28,942 - He's like a prophet too. - Okay. 446 00:18:29,025 --> 00:18:30,402 Look, I just have to say, 447 00:18:30,485 --> 00:18:32,028 I come from a small town in Arizona, 448 00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:34,364 and it's really exciting for me to have a Black friend. 449 00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:37,409 - Oh. - Or, is it African American? 450 00:18:37,492 --> 00:18:39,744 I don't know, 'cause there are two schools of thought on that. 451 00:18:39,828 --> 00:18:42,038 - What--what do you think? - Black is--is fine. 452 00:18:42,122 --> 00:18:43,081 - Okay. - Yes. 453 00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:45,584 So, Black. Cool. 454 00:18:45,667 --> 00:18:48,628 And what--what's it like being Black at Essex? 455 00:18:48,712 --> 00:18:52,215 Um, you know... 456 00:18:52,299 --> 00:18:53,967 it's hard. Yeah. 457 00:18:54,050 --> 00:18:56,428 You know, not a lot of people here get me. 458 00:18:56,511 --> 00:18:57,679 And how could they? 459 00:18:57,762 --> 00:18:59,472 I mean, we've led such different lives. 460 00:18:59,556 --> 00:19:02,601 You know, I've never touched cashmere before. 461 00:19:02,684 --> 00:19:06,730 I don't really tell a lot of people this, but... 462 00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,231 my mom is addicted to crack. 463 00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:09,900 You know, that's my story. 464 00:19:09,983 --> 00:19:13,278 And now I have to work three on-campus jobs 465 00:19:13,361 --> 00:19:17,365 just so I can send money back to her and my baby sister. 466 00:19:17,449 --> 00:19:21,077 And I just have to hope she doesn't spend it on crack. 467 00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:24,039 Oh, my God, that is just so much 468 00:19:24,122 --> 00:19:27,292 - for you to be dealing with. - Yeah, yeah, but... 469 00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:29,044 you know what? 470 00:19:29,127 --> 00:19:32,464 It is nothing compared to what Lila has been through. 471 00:19:32,547 --> 00:19:39,220 I mean, that poor girl has it so much worse than me. 472 00:19:39,304 --> 00:19:41,806 What's Lila's story? 473 00:19:41,890 --> 00:19:44,309 Goddamn it. 474 00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:46,811 What the actual fuck, okay? 475 00:19:46,895 --> 00:19:48,813 Do you guys have any idea how humiliating it is 476 00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:51,399 to be friend-dumped in front of a clerical worker? 477 00:19:51,483 --> 00:19:53,235 Believe me, Leight, we didn't want it to be this way. 478 00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:55,153 Well, we did want it to be this way, 479 00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:57,280 but it hurts to see you so upset. 480 00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:59,658 I don't understand. I thought we were friends. 481 00:20:01,326 --> 00:20:03,662 Uh, what's with this fucking pause? 482 00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:05,038 Were we not friends? 483 00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:07,040 I mean, we hung out, obviously, 484 00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:10,502 but the truth is, we never really felt like we knew you. 485 00:20:10,585 --> 00:20:12,879 Yeah, you were always so secretive or something. 486 00:20:12,963 --> 00:20:14,923 It was like being friends with a stranger. 487 00:20:15,006 --> 00:20:16,257 What are you guys talking about? 488 00:20:16,341 --> 00:20:18,134 I literally tell you everything. 489 00:20:18,218 --> 00:20:19,469 I don't think that's true. 490 00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:22,597 It's like there's this wall with you. 491 00:20:22,681 --> 00:20:24,557 No, there's... 492 00:20:26,935 --> 00:20:29,688 God, okay, whatever! Whatever, I don't care. 493 00:20:29,771 --> 00:20:31,690 I'm--I'm sorry that I'm not like an over-sharer 494 00:20:31,773 --> 00:20:34,359 like every other girl in our fucking generation. 495 00:20:34,442 --> 00:20:36,528 I just think that you could open up more. 496 00:20:36,611 --> 00:20:40,532 Okay, okay, is this open enough for you? 497 00:20:40,615 --> 00:20:42,867 Fuck you both, you really hurt my feelings, 498 00:20:42,951 --> 00:20:45,203 and I hope an air conditioner falls on you. 499 00:20:54,045 --> 00:20:56,297 Hey, you haven't been out in a bit, 500 00:20:56,381 --> 00:20:58,550 so I brought you some food from work. 501 00:20:58,633 --> 00:21:00,885 - What is it? - A burrito. 502 00:21:02,721 --> 00:21:06,099 Ugh, no, I don't want beef. Just throw it in the trash. 503 00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:09,644 Look, I know you wanted 504 00:21:09,728 --> 00:21:11,312 to room with your friends from home. 505 00:21:11,396 --> 00:21:15,108 They're not my friends, they're mouth breathing cunts. 506 00:21:15,191 --> 00:21:16,776 Right, okay. 507 00:21:16,860 --> 00:21:19,112 Well, I think if you give us a chance, 508 00:21:19,195 --> 00:21:20,613 you'll really like living with us. 509 00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:22,532 We're playing Uno in the other room right now-- 510 00:21:22,615 --> 00:21:25,535 Okay, Kimberly, Kimberly, I'm from New York City, okay? 511 00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:28,079 And I know from your world, that probably sounds 512 00:21:28,163 --> 00:21:29,539 like a really fun evening. 513 00:21:29,622 --> 00:21:32,751 But, for me, that's worse than getting a Pap smear. 514 00:21:32,834 --> 00:21:35,378 So can you shut the door when you leave? 515 00:21:42,761 --> 00:21:44,512 You guys can borrow any of my clothes you like-- 516 00:21:44,596 --> 00:21:46,890 bras, underwear, nothing's off limits. 517 00:21:46,973 --> 00:21:48,475 I'd like to borrow yours too, if that's cool. 518 00:21:48,558 --> 00:21:50,977 - Uh, I'll think about it. - Yeah. 519 00:21:51,061 --> 00:21:54,105 Sure. No pressure-- I'll follow up about it tomorrow. 520 00:21:54,939 --> 00:21:56,608 Hey, is this Leighton Murray's room? 521 00:22:02,363 --> 00:22:05,784 - Hello? - Yes, uh, she lives here. 522 00:22:05,867 --> 00:22:09,120 Damn, she's a lucky lady. You guys make a sexy couple. 523 00:22:09,204 --> 00:22:10,955 Ha ha. She's my sister, actually. 524 00:22:11,039 --> 00:22:13,792 - Yikes. - Your Leighton's brother? 525 00:22:13,875 --> 00:22:15,668 Then you're practically family! 526 00:22:15,752 --> 00:22:18,046 - Come to Mama. - Oh. 527 00:22:18,129 --> 00:22:21,341 Wow. It's like hugging a statue. 528 00:22:21,424 --> 00:22:24,010 Hi, uh, I'm Whitney. 529 00:22:24,094 --> 00:22:26,137 - Sorry about her. - Oh, Whitney Chase. 530 00:22:26,221 --> 00:22:27,639 Your mom's a senator, right? 531 00:22:27,722 --> 00:22:29,808 That's really dope. 532 00:22:29,891 --> 00:22:33,645 I'm Kimberly. My parents aren't famous. 533 00:22:33,728 --> 00:22:35,688 My dad's a manager at Walgreen's. 534 00:22:36,648 --> 00:22:39,067 Cool. Nice to meet you, Kimberly. 535 00:22:41,694 --> 00:22:43,488 Nico, what are you doing here? 536 00:22:43,571 --> 00:22:47,951 Ha. Whoa, Leighton, you look like shit. 537 00:22:49,744 --> 00:22:51,871 Leight, this isn't that bad. 538 00:22:51,955 --> 00:22:53,581 I mean, for what it's worth, 539 00:22:53,665 --> 00:22:55,333 I thought all your friends in high school really sucked. 540 00:22:55,416 --> 00:22:57,627 Thanks, you always know how to cheer me up. 541 00:22:57,710 --> 00:22:59,671 Look, this could be a blessing in disguise. 542 00:22:59,754 --> 00:23:01,131 I mean, I don't talk to anyone 543 00:23:01,214 --> 00:23:02,340 from high school anymore. 544 00:23:02,423 --> 00:23:04,509 Yeah, 'cause you don't need to. 545 00:23:04,592 --> 00:23:06,845 Okay, everyone wants to be friends with you. 546 00:23:06,928 --> 00:23:09,889 I'm just some judgmental dickhead with hormonal acne. 547 00:23:09,973 --> 00:23:13,560 Hey, hey, stop. I think your face looks fine. 548 00:23:13,643 --> 00:23:15,520 That is because I use a great concealer. 549 00:23:15,603 --> 00:23:21,276 Look, Leight, you are the strongest person I know. 550 00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:24,571 Okay, I'm your older brother, and I'm even scared of you. 551 00:23:24,654 --> 00:23:28,408 But you-- you're going to crush Essex. 552 00:23:29,409 --> 00:23:32,453 - You really think so? - I do. 553 00:23:34,622 --> 00:23:36,416 You're a good person 554 00:23:36,499 --> 00:23:39,669 underneath all your bad qualities. 555 00:23:39,752 --> 00:23:42,005 Hmm, thank you. 556 00:23:44,632 --> 00:23:47,343 Hey, so, Cory keeps asking about you. 557 00:23:47,427 --> 00:23:49,888 He's excited you're finally on campus. 558 00:23:49,971 --> 00:23:53,892 - Oh, cool. - So what should I tell him? 559 00:23:53,975 --> 00:23:55,435 You should tell him that I don't want 560 00:23:55,518 --> 00:23:57,729 to discuss my dating life with my older brother. 561 00:23:57,812 --> 00:23:59,981 - Ah, okay, fair enough. - Mm-hmm. 562 00:24:00,064 --> 00:24:02,275 All right. I'm gonna go. 563 00:24:02,358 --> 00:24:04,527 But I think you can handle being civil to those girls 564 00:24:04,611 --> 00:24:07,488 for the next eight months. They seem perfectly nice to me. 565 00:24:07,572 --> 00:24:09,741 That's 'cause they want to have sex with you. 566 00:24:09,824 --> 00:24:12,535 - I know they do. - Hey. 567 00:24:12,619 --> 00:24:14,287 You're disgusting. 568 00:24:16,831 --> 00:24:18,166 I just... 569 00:24:18,249 --> 00:24:21,211 I've been such a bitch to them, you know? Like... 570 00:24:21,294 --> 00:24:23,630 Well, do something nice then. 571 00:24:23,713 --> 00:24:25,965 Show them you're gonna be a good roommate. 572 00:24:28,134 --> 00:24:30,720 I'll see you around. 573 00:24:39,229 --> 00:24:41,022 Were you just changing in the closet? 574 00:24:41,105 --> 00:24:42,649 What? No. 575 00:24:42,732 --> 00:24:44,484 I mean, I went from one outfit to another. 576 00:24:44,567 --> 00:24:46,694 So, I mean, I guess you could call that changing. 577 00:24:46,778 --> 00:24:49,197 Are you, like, religious, or something? 578 00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:50,615 No. 579 00:24:50,698 --> 00:24:52,033 I've just never lived with anyone before, 580 00:24:52,116 --> 00:24:55,286 so I don't really know what to do. 581 00:24:55,370 --> 00:24:58,206 Hey, so I saw you checking out Leighton's brother tonight. 582 00:24:58,289 --> 00:25:00,625 Oh, definitely not. No, I have Max. 583 00:25:00,708 --> 00:25:02,961 My boyfriend from home who I'm, like, in love with. 584 00:25:03,044 --> 00:25:04,796 So if you're saying that because you like Nico, 585 00:25:04,879 --> 00:25:06,965 you should definitely go for it. 586 00:25:07,048 --> 00:25:08,383 Nah, that's all right. 587 00:25:08,466 --> 00:25:10,760 I like men, not boys. 588 00:25:20,061 --> 00:25:23,314 - Hey, Lila. - Hey. 589 00:25:23,398 --> 00:25:27,151 I just want to say I'm so inspired by you. 590 00:25:27,235 --> 00:25:29,153 This morning when my alarm clock went off, 591 00:25:29,237 --> 00:25:30,571 I thought to myself, kill me! 592 00:25:30,655 --> 00:25:32,907 But then I was like, shut up, Kimberly. 593 00:25:32,991 --> 00:25:35,326 If Lila can go through what she's going through 594 00:25:35,410 --> 00:25:38,246 and come to work, you can get out of bed. 595 00:25:38,329 --> 00:25:40,206 What exactly am I going through? 596 00:25:40,290 --> 00:25:43,668 I mean, you know, it can't be easy with a baby. 597 00:25:44,752 --> 00:25:47,422 And the baby's dad being incarcerated. 598 00:25:47,505 --> 00:25:49,215 'Cause prison isn't just for the prisoner. 599 00:25:49,299 --> 00:25:51,926 In a way, it's prison for the whole family. 600 00:25:52,010 --> 00:25:55,138 The fuck are you talking about? 601 00:25:55,221 --> 00:25:57,056 I don't have a kid or a baby daddy, 602 00:25:57,140 --> 00:25:58,766 and definitely not one that's in jail. 603 00:25:58,850 --> 00:26:03,438 Oh, but Canaan said-- 604 00:26:03,521 --> 00:26:05,273 Yeah, well, he was messing with you. 605 00:26:05,356 --> 00:26:06,858 And he knew you'd believe it too 606 00:26:06,941 --> 00:26:09,694 because you're some hick from Shit Town, Arizoni. 607 00:26:09,777 --> 00:26:12,196 Wow, Canaan, you're such an asshole. 608 00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:15,158 Okay, to be fair, it was pretty funny. 609 00:26:15,241 --> 00:26:16,701 So it was all bullshit? 610 00:26:16,784 --> 00:26:18,995 I bet your mom's not even addicted to crack. 611 00:26:19,078 --> 00:26:21,205 No, she's a paralegal in Maryland. 612 00:26:21,289 --> 00:26:23,875 Are you mad that my mom's not a crackhead? 613 00:26:23,958 --> 00:26:26,377 Yeah-- I mean, no, I-- 614 00:26:26,461 --> 00:26:28,504 I mean, I'm just trying to meet people 615 00:26:28,588 --> 00:26:29,714 at a school where I don't know anyone. 616 00:26:29,797 --> 00:26:31,049 You don't have to be a jerk. 617 00:26:31,132 --> 00:26:33,760 Okay, relax, relax. 618 00:26:33,843 --> 00:26:35,053 He doesn't mean it. 619 00:26:35,136 --> 00:26:37,764 He's going through a lot at home. 620 00:26:37,847 --> 00:26:40,558 His brother just ruined a promising football career 621 00:26:40,641 --> 00:26:45,146 - by joining a gang. - Oh, well, I didn't know-- 622 00:26:45,229 --> 00:26:46,564 His name is Rashad, 623 00:26:46,647 --> 00:26:49,525 but now he makes us call him Thug Blood. 624 00:26:49,609 --> 00:26:51,194 Oh, my God, come on. Shut up. 625 00:26:51,277 --> 00:26:53,946 What is wrong with you two? 626 00:27:02,163 --> 00:27:03,289 Willow! 627 00:27:03,373 --> 00:27:05,083 ♪ And I twist twist twist ♪ 628 00:27:08,294 --> 00:27:09,712 Right here, right here! 629 00:27:12,090 --> 00:27:13,383 What the fuck? 630 00:27:13,466 --> 00:27:15,093 Let's go! 631 00:27:15,176 --> 00:27:17,011 ♪ Rockin' to that beat and breakin' on the knees ♪ 632 00:27:17,095 --> 00:27:18,638 ♪ Trippin' in the...♪ 633 00:27:18,721 --> 00:27:20,306 All right, this is yours, Whitney, this is yours. 634 00:27:20,390 --> 00:27:21,724 - Ah! - Oh. 635 00:27:21,808 --> 00:27:24,435 Aah! What the fuck is your problem? 636 00:27:24,519 --> 00:27:25,853 Don't touch me, you entitled bitch. 637 00:27:25,937 --> 00:27:27,230 Hey, enough, enough, enough, enough! 638 00:27:27,313 --> 00:27:28,856 All right, you're done for the day, go. 639 00:27:28,940 --> 00:27:31,192 Just me? Are you serious? She shoved me first. 640 00:27:31,275 --> 00:27:33,027 - Everyone saw it. - Let's go. 641 00:27:33,111 --> 00:27:34,237 All right, back to practice everyone. 642 00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:35,822 Come on, what are you looking at? 643 00:27:38,366 --> 00:27:40,910 - What was that? - A Kit Kat? 644 00:27:40,993 --> 00:27:42,620 Fuck your Kit Kat. I'm talking about Jena. 645 00:27:42,703 --> 00:27:44,122 She already hates me. 646 00:27:44,205 --> 00:27:45,456 The last thing I need is looking like 647 00:27:45,540 --> 00:27:46,958 I'm getting special treatment. 648 00:27:47,041 --> 00:27:49,127 Let me fight my own battles, I can handle myself. 649 00:27:49,210 --> 00:27:51,629 Yeah, if by handle yourself, you mean get your ass kicked. 650 00:27:51,712 --> 00:27:53,798 Jena was throwing you around the field like a ragdoll. 651 00:27:53,881 --> 00:27:56,384 What was I gonna do? Let her rip your head off? 652 00:27:56,467 --> 00:27:57,844 Look, this is my problem, not yours. 653 00:27:57,927 --> 00:28:00,138 Really, you're only making things worse. 654 00:28:00,221 --> 00:28:02,265 Whitney. 655 00:28:06,227 --> 00:28:08,271 Hey! Hey! 656 00:28:09,355 --> 00:28:11,607 Eric, right? I'm Bela Malhotra. 657 00:28:11,691 --> 00:28:13,151 I'm a freshman. 658 00:28:13,234 --> 00:28:16,404 I was at "The Catullan" Orientation the other day. 659 00:28:16,487 --> 00:28:19,323 Sorry, there's literally hundreds of people there. 660 00:28:19,407 --> 00:28:21,242 I'm still reeling from the emails. 661 00:28:21,325 --> 00:28:23,161 So, I--I know you said that we should drop off 662 00:28:23,244 --> 00:28:24,537 our submission packets, 663 00:28:24,620 --> 00:28:25,913 but I was wondering if I could film mine 664 00:28:25,997 --> 00:28:27,081 so you could hear it in my voice? 665 00:28:27,165 --> 00:28:28,291 Uh-- 666 00:28:28,374 --> 00:28:29,750 Or I could read it to you right now. 667 00:28:29,834 --> 00:28:31,919 Oh, no, I really wouldn't like that. 668 00:28:32,003 --> 00:28:33,754 Look, it's great that you're excited, 669 00:28:33,838 --> 00:28:36,340 but don't be too bummed if you don't make the staff this year. 670 00:28:36,424 --> 00:28:38,301 What? Why would you say that? 671 00:28:38,384 --> 00:28:40,011 It's just, with all the freshman 672 00:28:40,094 --> 00:28:41,846 and all the upperclassmen that are reapplying, 673 00:28:41,929 --> 00:28:44,098 uh, I don't know if there are gonna be 674 00:28:44,182 --> 00:28:47,268 - that many female spots. - Female spot--? 675 00:28:47,351 --> 00:28:49,187 You haven't even read all the submissions yet. 676 00:28:49,270 --> 00:28:51,022 It's just a really competitive year, you know. 677 00:28:51,105 --> 00:28:52,690 A bunch of siblings of staff members are submitting, 678 00:28:52,773 --> 00:28:54,650 and we already have two women on staff, so... 679 00:28:54,734 --> 00:28:57,528 - Of, like, 15 people. - Look, I hate it too. 680 00:28:57,612 --> 00:28:58,738 I would give anything 681 00:28:58,821 --> 00:29:00,281 for Elizabeth Warren to be president, 682 00:29:00,364 --> 00:29:02,283 but...keep your chin up. 683 00:29:02,366 --> 00:29:03,826 You know, if you love comedy, 684 00:29:03,910 --> 00:29:06,162 there's like five other improv troupes on campus. 685 00:29:07,705 --> 00:29:10,875 Oh, and that one group, the Pot Stickers, is all Asian. 686 00:29:10,958 --> 00:29:12,668 So... 687 00:29:16,631 --> 00:29:20,051 So, these are for you all. 688 00:29:21,969 --> 00:29:23,930 Come on, open them. 689 00:29:24,013 --> 00:29:27,975 - Oh, my God, an iPad? - An iPad? 690 00:29:28,059 --> 00:29:29,435 Holy Shit. 691 00:29:29,519 --> 00:29:31,646 So it looks like I will be staying, 692 00:29:31,729 --> 00:29:33,564 and this was my little way of 693 00:29:33,648 --> 00:29:35,900 apologizing for being such a bitch. 694 00:29:35,983 --> 00:29:39,237 I should have never called you tacky, 695 00:29:39,320 --> 00:29:41,739 Podunk, new-money jock. 696 00:29:41,822 --> 00:29:45,576 - You never said that. - I didn't? Oh. 697 00:29:45,660 --> 00:29:47,286 Anyway, I really feel like we could have 698 00:29:47,370 --> 00:29:49,330 a positive living experience together. 699 00:29:49,413 --> 00:29:52,708 So what do you think? 700 00:29:52,792 --> 00:29:53,876 - Yeah. - Okay. 701 00:29:53,960 --> 00:29:55,378 Okay. 702 00:29:59,215 --> 00:30:00,424 Hi, I um... 703 00:30:00,508 --> 00:30:01,926 Oh, sorry. We don't want to sign 704 00:30:02,009 --> 00:30:03,094 your environment petition, or whatever. 705 00:30:03,177 --> 00:30:05,763 - Oh, um-- - Max! 706 00:30:05,846 --> 00:30:07,306 Hey! 707 00:30:07,390 --> 00:30:10,434 Oh, my God, this is Max, my boyfriend. 708 00:30:10,518 --> 00:30:12,478 The one that looks like Shawn Mendes? 709 00:30:12,562 --> 00:30:15,064 Shawn Mendes, people tell me I look like that all the time. 710 00:30:15,147 --> 00:30:16,691 What-- what are you doing here? 711 00:30:16,774 --> 00:30:18,109 Well, I wanted to surprise you, 712 00:30:18,192 --> 00:30:19,777 so I took the train up from Princeton, 713 00:30:19,860 --> 00:30:21,529 and thought I could stay with you through the weekend? 714 00:30:21,612 --> 00:30:25,366 Of course, yes! I'm so happy to see you. 715 00:30:25,449 --> 00:30:26,909 You got some like, food? 716 00:30:26,993 --> 00:30:30,204 I'm starving, and I left my credit card at Princeton. 717 00:30:33,749 --> 00:30:35,751 Hey, does anyone have plans tonight? 718 00:30:35,835 --> 00:30:36,961 I might. 719 00:30:37,044 --> 00:30:39,338 Do any of you know what 720 00:30:39,422 --> 00:30:42,425 a Drop It Like F. Scott party is? 721 00:30:42,508 --> 00:30:45,136 - F. Scott Fitzgerald. - Huh? 722 00:30:45,219 --> 00:30:47,013 You basically have to look like a '20s slut. 723 00:30:47,096 --> 00:30:49,307 Oh, sweet. "The Catullan" is throwing one 724 00:30:49,390 --> 00:30:50,558 for all the people submitting, 725 00:30:50,641 --> 00:30:51,934 but I don't know if I should go. 726 00:30:52,018 --> 00:30:53,561 I ran into the editor this morning, 727 00:30:53,644 --> 00:30:55,313 and he basically told me there's no reason to submit 728 00:30:55,396 --> 00:30:57,898 because there won't be any female spots this year. 729 00:30:57,982 --> 00:31:00,318 Oh, they have a quota for gender? 730 00:31:00,401 --> 00:31:01,527 That's insane. 731 00:31:01,611 --> 00:31:03,154 And you should definitely report him 732 00:31:03,237 --> 00:31:06,073 to University Affairs. Or, quite frankly, the ACLU. 733 00:31:06,157 --> 00:31:08,451 What? 734 00:31:08,534 --> 00:31:11,120 I'm sorry, but that's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. 735 00:31:11,203 --> 00:31:12,663 Well, you want them to pick you, right? 736 00:31:12,747 --> 00:31:13,873 Yeah. 737 00:31:13,956 --> 00:31:15,708 Okay, well, make them like you. 738 00:31:15,791 --> 00:31:18,127 Okay, like, don't be some histrionic feminist, 739 00:31:18,210 --> 00:31:21,589 just show them you're chill and you're fun to have around. 740 00:31:21,672 --> 00:31:24,759 I think Leighton's right. 741 00:31:26,385 --> 00:31:27,928 Girls! 742 00:31:28,012 --> 00:31:29,930 Desserts are out. 743 00:31:34,769 --> 00:31:39,023 ♪ I can see through you I see ♪ 744 00:31:39,106 --> 00:31:44,195 ♪ You can see through, I see you ♪ 745 00:31:44,278 --> 00:31:48,991 ♪ Seeing through you, I see see ♪ 746 00:31:52,286 --> 00:31:56,123 ♪ I wanna feel like this all the time ♪ 747 00:31:56,207 --> 00:31:59,919 ♪ Beat you with a little better line ♪ 748 00:32:00,002 --> 00:32:02,421 ♪ Yeah, oh got you messin' with me...♪ 749 00:32:02,505 --> 00:32:03,839 Ryan! 750 00:32:03,923 --> 00:32:06,634 Hey, Ryan, I just want to say, I love your work. 751 00:32:06,717 --> 00:32:09,637 You love my work? Let me guess. 752 00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:11,222 - Freshman. - Yeah. 753 00:32:11,305 --> 00:32:13,849 All right, take it easy. 754 00:32:13,933 --> 00:32:16,394 Uh, uh, uh, uh? R--Ryan? 755 00:32:16,477 --> 00:32:19,271 I--I just want to say... 756 00:32:19,355 --> 00:32:23,025 as a woman of color, and, uh, as a woman in comedy-- 757 00:32:23,109 --> 00:32:24,568 Hey, let me stop you right there. 758 00:32:24,652 --> 00:32:26,779 I'm super high right now, so whatever this is, 759 00:32:26,862 --> 00:32:28,406 it's being wasted on me. 760 00:32:28,489 --> 00:32:30,491 Hey, I--I just want to be part of "The Catullan." 761 00:32:30,574 --> 00:32:32,868 That's awesome. But it's not up to me. 762 00:32:32,952 --> 00:32:34,453 We all vote. 763 00:32:34,537 --> 00:32:36,914 So if I were you, I'd try to get those guys on your side. 764 00:32:46,841 --> 00:32:50,428 - You did what? - I gave six hand jobs! 765 00:32:50,511 --> 00:32:51,846 Not at the same time, or anything, 766 00:32:51,929 --> 00:32:53,597 I'm not like a porn star. 767 00:32:53,681 --> 00:32:55,975 I talked to each of them, told them I was a writer, 768 00:32:56,058 --> 00:32:58,769 that I loved their work, and if they voted for me, 769 00:32:58,853 --> 00:33:00,730 I could be into doing some hand stuff. 770 00:33:00,813 --> 00:33:01,856 I told them I'm a girl who's chill, 771 00:33:01,939 --> 00:33:03,607 just like you told me to. 772 00:33:03,691 --> 00:33:06,777 I--I definitely didn't tell you to jerk a bunch of dicks. 773 00:33:06,861 --> 00:33:08,946 Okay, first off, why the shade? 774 00:33:09,029 --> 00:33:11,449 I got two things out of this. This is a win-win for me. 775 00:33:11,532 --> 00:33:13,534 I helped my chances of getting on "The Catullan," 776 00:33:13,617 --> 00:33:15,286 and I got to give a bunch of hand jobs. 777 00:33:15,369 --> 00:33:16,912 No one likes giving hand jobs! 778 00:33:16,996 --> 00:33:19,623 Maybe I do. Maybe I love it. 779 00:33:19,707 --> 00:33:21,792 I've had, like, zero sexual experiences 780 00:33:21,876 --> 00:33:23,627 for most of my sad-ass life, 781 00:33:23,711 --> 00:33:26,046 so if suddenly I'm hot enough to have a bunch of dicks 782 00:33:26,130 --> 00:33:28,424 thrown my way, sorry, but, I'ma crank them. 783 00:33:28,507 --> 00:33:30,217 - Ugh. - What's going on? 784 00:33:30,301 --> 00:33:32,428 Bela traded sex for an opportunity. 785 00:33:32,511 --> 00:33:34,054 Just like men have been doing for centuries, 786 00:33:34,138 --> 00:33:35,973 - I flipped the script. - I'm not sure you did. 787 00:33:36,056 --> 00:33:39,685 I'm sex positive, y'all! Deal with it. 788 00:33:39,769 --> 00:33:43,689 As a feminist, I think female sex positivity is great. 789 00:33:50,863 --> 00:33:53,657 - You're so beautiful. - Thank you. 790 00:33:53,741 --> 00:33:57,286 - I like your skin tone. - Uh, my skin tone? 791 00:33:57,369 --> 00:33:58,996 What? What did I say? 792 00:33:59,079 --> 00:34:00,831 You sound like you have a Black girl fetish. 793 00:34:00,915 --> 00:34:03,626 - No! - You said no really fast. 794 00:34:03,709 --> 00:34:06,629 I mean, I do tend to find Black women more attractive 795 00:34:06,712 --> 00:34:09,548 than other kinds of women, but that's okay, right? 796 00:34:09,632 --> 00:34:11,467 Yeah, that's okay, 797 00:34:11,550 --> 00:34:14,010 until you're like, "Ooh, I love your chocolatey skin." 798 00:34:14,094 --> 00:34:17,181 I did not say chocolatey. I know not to say that. 799 00:34:17,264 --> 00:34:21,769 - I really like you. - Okay, good. 800 00:34:21,852 --> 00:34:23,354 I like you too. 801 00:34:23,436 --> 00:34:24,939 If anything, I have a soccer fetish. 802 00:34:25,021 --> 00:34:27,399 Oh, shit. 803 00:34:30,110 --> 00:34:32,488 We should go. 804 00:34:32,570 --> 00:34:35,199 Well, Leighton is basically Melania, 805 00:34:35,282 --> 00:34:38,202 but the rest of them seem pretty nice. 806 00:34:38,285 --> 00:34:41,704 Oh, I'm so glad to see you. 807 00:34:41,789 --> 00:34:44,999 The adjustment's been way harder than I expected. 808 00:34:45,084 --> 00:34:46,876 I didn't know how rich everyone would be. 809 00:34:46,961 --> 00:34:48,546 Oh, it's the same at Princeton. 810 00:34:48,628 --> 00:34:51,548 My roommate's family brought help on moving day. 811 00:34:51,632 --> 00:34:54,425 Oh, my-- 812 00:34:54,510 --> 00:34:57,638 But I guess you and I can be poor together. 813 00:35:00,933 --> 00:35:04,019 - I love you. - I love you too. 814 00:35:19,702 --> 00:35:21,412 Everybody's asleep. 815 00:35:21,495 --> 00:35:23,455 - Oh yeah? - Yeah. 816 00:35:26,709 --> 00:35:28,919 ♪ Two hearts and three lost words ♪ 817 00:35:29,003 --> 00:35:31,839 ♪ Fall through the universe ♪ 818 00:35:31,922 --> 00:35:34,633 Should we... 819 00:35:34,717 --> 00:35:39,221 - I mean, only if you're ready. - I'm so ready. 820 00:35:41,307 --> 00:35:42,808 ♪ You are ♪ 821 00:35:42,892 --> 00:35:48,063 ♪ With me from the end to the start ♪ 822 00:35:48,147 --> 00:35:50,941 ♪ When gravity pulls on us ♪ 823 00:35:51,025 --> 00:35:53,611 ♪ You are ♪ 824 00:35:53,694 --> 00:35:58,198 ♪ With me from the end to the start ♪ 825 00:35:58,282 --> 00:36:00,784 Is that--oh. 826 00:36:04,163 --> 00:36:05,748 Wow. 827 00:36:08,208 --> 00:36:11,086 ♪ When gravity pulls on us ♪ 828 00:36:14,381 --> 00:36:16,508 Holy shit. 829 00:36:17,217 --> 00:36:18,719 So, I have to work until 10:00, 830 00:36:18,802 --> 00:36:21,305 but we can meet up for a late breakfast after, 831 00:36:21,388 --> 00:36:22,806 if you want. 832 00:36:22,890 --> 00:36:25,267 Or we could go to the campus store 833 00:36:25,351 --> 00:36:29,396 and get you one of those "Proud Essex Boyfriend" T-shirts. 834 00:36:30,147 --> 00:36:32,358 What's up? What's wrong? 835 00:36:32,441 --> 00:36:37,321 So, I was thinking, maybe we should both be free. 836 00:36:37,404 --> 00:36:39,949 I totally agree. Uh, free from what. 837 00:36:40,032 --> 00:36:42,910 Free from each other. 838 00:36:42,993 --> 00:36:46,622 Uh, like free from each other... 839 00:36:46,705 --> 00:36:49,583 Like, are--are you-- are you breaking up with me? 840 00:36:49,667 --> 00:36:51,961 I think of it more as me 841 00:36:52,044 --> 00:36:55,214 initiating a conversation of our mutual independence. 842 00:36:55,297 --> 00:36:57,424 Are you fucking kidding me? 843 00:36:57,508 --> 00:37:00,052 You took my virginity, and now you're dumping me? 844 00:37:00,135 --> 00:37:01,845 Whoa, whoa, whoa, we took each other's virginity. 845 00:37:01,929 --> 00:37:04,181 Mine was just as fragile as yours. 846 00:37:04,264 --> 00:37:05,683 Dude, that is fucked up. 847 00:37:05,766 --> 00:37:07,810 Uh, can we have some privacy, please? 848 00:37:07,893 --> 00:37:09,103 Uh, no. 849 00:37:09,186 --> 00:37:10,521 You had the common room all last night 850 00:37:10,604 --> 00:37:12,147 with your grunty, novice boinking 851 00:37:12,231 --> 00:37:14,024 while we were trapped in our rooms. 852 00:37:14,108 --> 00:37:16,860 And we had to listen to your crappy sex playlist on repeat. 853 00:37:16,944 --> 00:37:18,529 You made me hate Ed Sheeran. 854 00:37:18,612 --> 00:37:21,657 Is that why you came here? To have sex and then dump me? 855 00:37:21,740 --> 00:37:24,451 Look, I really care about you, Kimberly. 856 00:37:24,535 --> 00:37:25,703 No, don't say anything. 857 00:37:25,786 --> 00:37:28,539 I never, ever want to see you again. 858 00:37:33,544 --> 00:37:36,422 Um...I am so sorry about that, 859 00:37:36,505 --> 00:37:39,842 and I'm gonna go, but I did forget my toothbrush. 860 00:37:39,925 --> 00:37:41,719 Put a shirt on! 861 00:37:41,802 --> 00:37:43,095 Get the fuck out of here, dude! 862 00:37:46,015 --> 00:37:49,226 Hi, Bela. Hi, Bela, hi, Bela. 863 00:37:49,309 --> 00:37:50,769 Hi, Bela. Hi, Bela. 864 00:37:50,853 --> 00:37:53,022 I wanna-- no matter what happens, 865 00:37:53,105 --> 00:37:54,440 I want you to know that-- 866 00:37:54,523 --> 00:37:56,066 No matter what, I want you to know 867 00:37:56,150 --> 00:37:57,651 that I am so proud of you. 868 00:37:57,735 --> 00:37:59,486 This is gonna be-- Hi, Bela, it's you, Bela. 869 00:37:59,570 --> 00:38:01,321 No matter what happens. Hi, Bela. 870 00:38:01,405 --> 00:38:03,407 Testing, testing? 871 00:38:03,490 --> 00:38:07,953 Hi, Bela, it's you, Bela. 872 00:38:08,037 --> 00:38:11,498 Today you find out if you make "The Catullan" or not. 873 00:38:11,582 --> 00:38:14,626 But I want you to know that no matter what happens today, 874 00:38:14,710 --> 00:38:17,838 I'm proud of you. You're a boss bitch. 875 00:38:17,921 --> 00:38:19,423 And just remember, 876 00:38:19,506 --> 00:38:22,259 Molly Shannon didn't get "SNL" on her first try. 877 00:38:22,342 --> 00:38:24,094 Neither did Rachel Dratch. 878 00:38:24,178 --> 00:38:27,890 But eventually they all did and went on to become icons. 879 00:38:27,973 --> 00:38:30,100 And you know what? You fucking will-- 880 00:38:30,184 --> 00:38:32,311 Aah! 881 00:38:32,394 --> 00:38:34,021 Yes! 882 00:38:36,106 --> 00:38:38,317 Dude, can you move? Your reflection's in my selfie. 883 00:38:44,865 --> 00:38:47,951 - Dalton! - Hey. 884 00:38:48,035 --> 00:38:51,580 Hey! Dude, are you serious? 885 00:38:51,663 --> 00:38:55,959 Are Tapitio Doritos really part of a healthy on-season diet? 886 00:38:56,043 --> 00:38:58,378 Shouldn't you be leading by example? 887 00:38:58,462 --> 00:39:01,131 - Yeah, no, I know, I just-- - Babe. 888 00:39:01,215 --> 00:39:03,801 Babe, is this one of your players? 889 00:39:03,884 --> 00:39:06,053 Hi, I'm Michelle. I'm Dalton's wife. 890 00:39:06,136 --> 00:39:08,972 It's so nice to meet you. 891 00:39:09,056 --> 00:39:12,976 - This is Whitney. - Oh, my God, of course. 892 00:39:13,060 --> 00:39:14,686 I'm sorry, not to be a stalker, or anything, 893 00:39:14,770 --> 00:39:16,522 but I'm a big fan of your mom. 894 00:39:16,605 --> 00:39:18,065 The way she gives it to the NRA-- 895 00:39:18,148 --> 00:39:22,069 - I just love her. - Thanks, she's great. 896 00:39:22,152 --> 00:39:25,280 Yeah, I gotta go. 897 00:39:25,364 --> 00:39:28,075 But it's really nice to put a face 898 00:39:28,158 --> 00:39:31,078 with the name I've heard so many times. 899 00:39:31,161 --> 00:39:32,579 Bye. 900 00:39:57,896 --> 00:39:59,606 Hey! 901 00:39:59,690 --> 00:40:03,110 Did you just throw your trash on the floor in front of him? 902 00:40:03,193 --> 00:40:04,695 He was already sweeping there. 903 00:40:04,778 --> 00:40:06,572 Oh, so you just bounce your little 904 00:40:06,655 --> 00:40:08,866 breakfast wrap wrapper on the ground 905 00:40:08,949 --> 00:40:10,617 instead of carrying it to the trash 906 00:40:10,701 --> 00:40:12,536 like a normal fucking person? 907 00:40:12,619 --> 00:40:14,037 What the fuck is wrong with you? 908 00:40:14,121 --> 00:40:15,497 He's not your Goddamn servant. 909 00:40:15,581 --> 00:40:17,708 - It's not a big deal. - Look, I get it. 910 00:40:17,791 --> 00:40:19,543 You're some asshole from that town 911 00:40:19,626 --> 00:40:21,170 where they shot "Big Little Lies" 912 00:40:21,253 --> 00:40:23,422 or some shit, and you wear 100 fucking dollar jeans. 913 00:40:23,505 --> 00:40:25,799 That's not a lot of money for jeans. 914 00:40:25,883 --> 00:40:27,092 Shut the fuck up. 915 00:40:27,176 --> 00:40:28,552 Not everyone on this campus has money. 916 00:40:28,635 --> 00:40:30,304 Some of us have to work these jobs 917 00:40:30,387 --> 00:40:32,389 because, even if we didn't know it until we got here, 918 00:40:32,472 --> 00:40:33,849 we're kind of poor. 919 00:40:33,932 --> 00:40:35,851 So, yeah, maybe I don't have the newest iPhone, 920 00:40:35,934 --> 00:40:37,936 and maybe I don't know what couscous is, 921 00:40:38,020 --> 00:40:40,230 but I'm still a fucking person, and so is he, 922 00:40:40,314 --> 00:40:42,816 so treat us like we fucking matter, okay? 923 00:40:42,900 --> 00:40:45,235 Okay, fine. 924 00:40:45,319 --> 00:40:46,737 I'm sorry. 925 00:40:48,780 --> 00:40:51,825 And no pants should cost more than $40. 926 00:40:51,909 --> 00:40:53,785 I agree with you, bitch. 927 00:40:57,039 --> 00:40:59,750 Oh, my God. This donut is insane. 928 00:40:59,833 --> 00:41:01,168 Do you want a bite? 929 00:41:01,251 --> 00:41:03,253 Uh, no thanks. I don't eat for enjoyment. 930 00:41:03,337 --> 00:41:06,256 - Leighton, sup? - Hi. 931 00:41:06,340 --> 00:41:07,591 You remember Cory, right? 932 00:41:07,674 --> 00:41:09,259 From the party at Montauk last summer? 933 00:41:09,343 --> 00:41:12,095 Uh, we were on the same team for flag football. 934 00:41:12,179 --> 00:41:13,430 Montauk? Flag football? 935 00:41:13,514 --> 00:41:16,099 That's the whitest shit I've ever heard. 936 00:41:16,183 --> 00:41:18,810 - I mean that as a compliment. - Oh. 937 00:41:18,894 --> 00:41:21,104 Hey, if you need a tour around campus, 938 00:41:21,188 --> 00:41:23,565 or something, let me know. 939 00:41:23,649 --> 00:41:25,275 Okay, thanks. 940 00:41:25,359 --> 00:41:27,527 - Does that offer include me? - No, it definitely does not. 941 00:41:27,611 --> 00:41:29,321 Hey, um, I know we just met, 942 00:41:29,404 --> 00:41:30,822 but would you be willing to lift your shirt up 943 00:41:30,906 --> 00:41:33,283 and show me your torso? 944 00:41:33,367 --> 00:41:35,619 I don't think anyone's ever asked me that before. 945 00:41:36,870 --> 00:41:38,872 Excuse me. 946 00:41:38,956 --> 00:41:41,792 Ho-ho! That's great. You're very nice. 947 00:41:41,875 --> 00:41:44,127 Hey, if you and your roommates are free tonight, 948 00:41:44,211 --> 00:41:46,129 we're throwing a party at Theta Pi Delta. 949 00:41:46,213 --> 00:41:49,841 - You should stop by. - Yeah, stop by. 950 00:41:52,427 --> 00:41:56,265 Oh, my God, Leighton, you're gonna fuck a ten! 951 00:41:56,348 --> 00:41:57,683 Wow! 952 00:42:02,229 --> 00:42:03,689 Out of these beds, motherfuckers, 953 00:42:03,772 --> 00:42:05,607 because our suite just got invited 954 00:42:05,691 --> 00:42:07,818 to an upperclassmen party. 955 00:42:07,901 --> 00:42:10,737 I don't know about that. Uh, today was really shitty. 956 00:42:10,821 --> 00:42:12,155 I'm just gonna stay in 957 00:42:12,239 --> 00:42:13,949 and finish this sad Brazilian documentary 958 00:42:14,032 --> 00:42:15,492 about a snake who ate a boy. 959 00:42:15,575 --> 00:42:17,995 Yeah, I'm staying in too. 960 00:42:18,078 --> 00:42:19,621 No, no, no, no, no. Turn them off. 961 00:42:19,705 --> 00:42:21,248 We're going out. 962 00:42:21,331 --> 00:42:24,042 How, exactly, did we get invited to this party anyway? 963 00:42:24,126 --> 00:42:26,461 Oh, Leighton's smoke show brother, Nico. 964 00:42:26,545 --> 00:42:29,506 And his somehow even hotter friend Cory, 965 00:42:29,590 --> 00:42:30,924 who wants to rail Leighton. 966 00:42:31,008 --> 00:42:33,593 Yeah, I really, really don't want to go. 967 00:42:33,677 --> 00:42:36,305 Kimberly. 968 00:42:36,388 --> 00:42:37,556 Sweetie. 969 00:42:37,639 --> 00:42:39,433 Your boyfriend Max fucking sucked. 970 00:42:39,516 --> 00:42:41,018 He ate all our Nutri-Grain bars, 971 00:42:41,101 --> 00:42:42,894 and I'm pretty sure he used my loofa. 972 00:42:42,978 --> 00:42:46,148 I know he was your first love, and your first, you know, 973 00:42:46,231 --> 00:42:47,733 dick, 974 00:42:47,816 --> 00:42:49,067 but he was a dud. 975 00:42:49,151 --> 00:42:51,069 Also, he shed on the sofa like a cat. 976 00:42:51,153 --> 00:42:53,530 - The dude was a yeti. - Ugh. 977 00:42:53,613 --> 00:42:56,533 Look, we don't have power over 978 00:42:56,616 --> 00:42:58,243 when guys treat us like shit. 979 00:42:58,327 --> 00:43:00,871 But what we can control is how much we let it affect us. 980 00:43:00,954 --> 00:43:03,040 I think Hillary Clinton said that. 981 00:43:03,123 --> 00:43:08,128 So, I say the four of us go out, get tanked, 982 00:43:08,211 --> 00:43:09,838 and, who knows, maybe we'll end up meeting 983 00:43:09,921 --> 00:43:11,798 a guy who doesn't treat us like garbage. 984 00:43:11,882 --> 00:43:13,467 Or not. It doesn't matter. 985 00:43:13,550 --> 00:43:15,552 At least we'll be having fun. 986 00:43:15,635 --> 00:43:17,679 What do you think? 987 00:43:17,763 --> 00:43:20,891 Come on, come on, come on, come on! 988 00:43:20,974 --> 00:43:23,226 Yes! Yes! 989 00:43:23,310 --> 00:43:26,104 Yeah, she does! 990 00:43:26,188 --> 00:43:28,482 We're gonna go out! 991 00:43:35,697 --> 00:43:39,576 ♪ Tonight, tonight I'm solo dancing in my room ♪ 992 00:43:39,659 --> 00:43:43,622 ♪ Tonight, tonight, got time for me, no time for you ♪ 993 00:43:43,705 --> 00:43:47,417 ♪ Tonight I'm trying to stay in on my own again ♪ 994 00:43:56,885 --> 00:43:58,387 It's freezing. 995 00:43:58,470 --> 00:44:00,138 I wish you had let me wear my anorak like I had wanted. 996 00:44:00,222 --> 00:44:02,099 No one in the history of the world has gotten laid 997 00:44:02,182 --> 00:44:03,934 wearing an anorak. 998 00:44:05,394 --> 00:44:07,479 Nico! 999 00:44:07,562 --> 00:44:11,066 - Yo, let those girls through. - Yeah, ha-ha! 1000 00:44:11,149 --> 00:44:15,112 Oh, goddamn it, you know, I left my phone in the room. 1001 00:44:15,195 --> 00:44:16,655 I'm gonna go back and get it. 1002 00:44:16,738 --> 00:44:18,448 No, no, no, no, no, it's fine, just use mine. 1003 00:44:18,532 --> 00:44:19,616 No, it's okay, I'll be right back. 1004 00:44:19,699 --> 00:44:20,867 Do you want us to wait for you? 1005 00:44:20,951 --> 00:44:22,869 No, it is fine. Go in, go in. 1006 00:44:22,953 --> 00:44:25,205 Let's go, my tits are freezing off. 1007 00:44:35,590 --> 00:44:39,511 Wow. 1008 00:44:39,594 --> 00:44:43,432 - I can't believe we got in here. - I fucking love college. 1009 00:44:43,515 --> 00:44:45,892 ♪ There's nothing left to hide and I ♪ 1010 00:44:45,976 --> 00:44:47,519 ♪ Don't wanna think about you ♪ 1011 00:44:47,602 --> 00:44:51,731 ♪ I got you in my head, on my mind ♪ 1012 00:44:53,400 --> 00:44:54,818 Oh, shit. 1013 00:44:54,901 --> 00:44:57,612 Those two girls from "The Catullan" are over there. 1014 00:44:57,696 --> 00:44:59,030 Oh, go say hi. 1015 00:44:59,114 --> 00:45:00,824 Not yet, I'm gonna play cool for a little bit. 1016 00:45:00,907 --> 00:45:02,409 Gotta keep it chill. 1017 00:45:02,492 --> 00:45:04,578 - Dude, can you stop looking? - I'm not looking at them. 1018 00:45:04,661 --> 00:45:06,580 Just keep your head facing forward. 1019 00:45:06,663 --> 00:45:08,540 Okay, fine! 1020 00:45:10,083 --> 00:45:12,169 Next. 1021 00:45:12,252 --> 00:45:14,463 Oh, no, I'm sorry. These are open containers. 1022 00:45:14,546 --> 00:45:16,256 So? 1023 00:45:16,339 --> 00:45:17,424 So someone could have put something in it. 1024 00:45:17,507 --> 00:45:18,800 Do you have a bottle or a can? 1025 00:45:18,884 --> 00:45:20,343 Oh, sure. 1026 00:45:20,427 --> 00:45:22,220 This frat party has a wide variety of drink options. 1027 00:45:22,304 --> 00:45:24,139 Do you want to see a wine list? 1028 00:45:24,222 --> 00:45:27,184 I--I think you're being sarcastic, but I'm not sure. 1029 00:45:27,267 --> 00:45:28,727 These are great. Thank you so much. 1030 00:45:28,810 --> 00:45:30,479 We're gonna go. Thanks. 1031 00:45:34,191 --> 00:45:36,026 Chug, chug, 1032 00:45:36,109 --> 00:45:43,533 Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug! 1033 00:45:43,617 --> 00:45:44,951 Whoa! 1034 00:45:47,078 --> 00:45:48,872 Oh, my God, are you okay? 1035 00:45:48,955 --> 00:45:50,415 - Yeah, uh... - Let me get you some napkins. 1036 00:45:50,499 --> 00:45:52,042 No, no, I just want to leave. 1037 00:45:52,125 --> 00:45:53,376 I shouldn't have even come here. 1038 00:45:53,460 --> 00:45:54,711 Do you want us to come with you? 1039 00:45:54,794 --> 00:45:58,381 No, I really want to be alone. 1040 00:46:01,760 --> 00:46:03,220 Hey. 1041 00:46:03,303 --> 00:46:04,804 I know you, right? 1042 00:46:04,888 --> 00:46:06,556 Yeah, I live with your sister. 1043 00:46:06,640 --> 00:46:09,684 No, not that. I saw you on move-in day. 1044 00:46:09,768 --> 00:46:11,144 You were checking me out. 1045 00:46:11,228 --> 00:46:13,104 Me? I was not checking you out. 1046 00:46:13,939 --> 00:46:16,233 I mean, I might have been looking at you, 1047 00:46:16,316 --> 00:46:18,068 and, yes, my eyes might have lingered on your body, 1048 00:46:18,151 --> 00:46:20,779 but that's like a totally normal human reaction 1049 00:46:20,862 --> 00:46:22,155 to a shirtless man running. 1050 00:46:22,239 --> 00:46:23,657 I definitely was not checking you out. 1051 00:46:23,740 --> 00:46:26,451 Whoa, whoa, I'm just messing with you, relax. 1052 00:46:26,535 --> 00:46:28,954 - Are you leaving? - I am. 1053 00:46:29,037 --> 00:46:30,997 Wow, is our party that bad 1054 00:46:31,081 --> 00:46:32,582 that even freshmen are leaving this early? 1055 00:46:32,666 --> 00:46:35,293 No, I'm just having a really shitty day. 1056 00:46:35,377 --> 00:46:37,420 Well, what's going on? 1057 00:46:37,504 --> 00:46:40,382 I wanted to wear my anorak, and no one would let me. 1058 00:46:40,465 --> 00:46:41,925 And now I'm covered in pumpkin ale, 1059 00:46:42,008 --> 00:46:43,718 and my stupid fucking boyfriend dumped me, 1060 00:46:43,802 --> 00:46:47,055 And I'm pretty sure he stole my deodorant before leaving. 1061 00:46:47,138 --> 00:46:51,184 - Jesus Christ. - I know. 1062 00:46:51,268 --> 00:46:52,894 - Have a nice night. - Hey, wait. 1063 00:46:52,978 --> 00:46:54,563 I can help with this. 1064 00:46:54,646 --> 00:46:56,481 Why don't I grab you something dry to wear, 1065 00:46:56,565 --> 00:47:00,068 and you can stay, and Theta can save a little face. 1066 00:47:02,028 --> 00:47:04,823 Yeah. Yeah, okay, I can do that. 1067 00:47:04,906 --> 00:47:05,991 Deal. 1068 00:47:07,284 --> 00:47:08,994 Wow, I'm really smelling the beer on you now. 1069 00:47:09,077 --> 00:47:10,912 I think a bunch of it got into my bra. 1070 00:47:10,996 --> 00:47:13,248 Let me grab you that shirt. 1071 00:47:15,333 --> 00:47:19,129 ♪ Going insane, all the alcohol is to blame ♪ 1072 00:47:19,212 --> 00:47:21,548 ♪ Came down from...♪ 1073 00:47:21,631 --> 00:47:24,009 Hey, it's me, Bela. 1074 00:47:24,092 --> 00:47:25,969 Made the first cut of "The Catullan." 1075 00:47:26,052 --> 00:47:28,471 I'm really excited to work with you guys. 1076 00:47:28,555 --> 00:47:31,016 Us girls in comedy gotta stick together, right? 1077 00:47:31,099 --> 00:47:33,727 Blow me, freshman slut. 1078 00:47:35,562 --> 00:47:37,314 Maybe you should have checked first 1079 00:47:37,397 --> 00:47:41,026 to see if any of those guys you jerked off had girlfriends. 1080 00:47:44,487 --> 00:47:45,947 You know, my friends and I used 1081 00:47:46,031 --> 00:47:47,449 to steal shit from Walgreen's all the time. 1082 00:47:47,532 --> 00:47:49,367 My dad would not be happy about that. 1083 00:47:49,451 --> 00:47:50,994 - Hey. - Hey. 1084 00:47:51,077 --> 00:47:54,080 - Sorry, can we go? - Oh, sure, is everything okay? 1085 00:47:54,164 --> 00:47:57,375 Yeah, totally, party's lame, just want to go. 1086 00:47:57,459 --> 00:48:00,086 - Sorry. - Oh, it's all good. 1087 00:48:00,170 --> 00:48:01,630 Another time. 1088 00:48:01,713 --> 00:48:03,381 Should we grab Whitney and Leighton? 1089 00:48:03,465 --> 00:48:05,008 Whitney said she wants to stay, 1090 00:48:05,091 --> 00:48:07,719 and Leighton didn't come back. She totally blew us off. 1091 00:48:07,802 --> 00:48:09,721 Mm. Let's go. 1092 00:48:09,804 --> 00:48:11,056 Thank you. 1093 00:48:12,307 --> 00:48:14,351 - Hey, I'm Whitney. - Canaan. 1094 00:48:14,434 --> 00:48:16,353 - Canaan? - Yes, Canaan. 1095 00:48:16,436 --> 00:48:17,729 Is your mom religious 1096 00:48:17,812 --> 00:48:19,689 or just super into towns of Connecticut? 1097 00:48:19,773 --> 00:48:22,150 Can't it be both? 1098 00:48:22,233 --> 00:48:23,360 What dorm you in? 1099 00:48:23,443 --> 00:48:25,612 - No. - Excuse me? 1100 00:48:25,695 --> 00:48:27,530 Neither of us care what dorm I'm in. 1101 00:48:27,614 --> 00:48:30,700 - I want to see your room. - What? 1102 00:48:30,784 --> 00:48:34,704 Show me what your room looks like. 1103 00:48:34,788 --> 00:48:37,791 Oh! Oh, you trying to fuck. 1104 00:48:37,874 --> 00:48:40,710 Oh, yeah, yeah, let's show you the room. 1105 00:48:40,794 --> 00:48:43,797 - Damn, I must look good tonight. - You're all right. 1106 00:49:12,492 --> 00:49:15,453 - Another. - Sure. 1107 00:49:26,339 --> 00:49:30,719 ♪ My, my, hey, hey ♪ 1108 00:49:35,014 --> 00:49:39,561 ♪ Rock and roll is here to stay ♪ 1109 00:49:57,954 --> 00:50:01,958 - You're so hot. - No talking. 1110 00:50:02,041 --> 00:50:03,960 Get on the bed. 1111 00:50:19,225 --> 00:50:23,605 ♪ King is gone, but he's not forgotten ♪ 1112 00:50:27,776 --> 00:50:32,363 ♪ This is the story of Johnny Rotten ♪ 1113 00:50:36,534 --> 00:50:40,413 ♪ It's better to burn out ♪ 1114 00:50:40,497 --> 00:50:45,001 ♪ Than it is to rust ♪ 1115 00:50:45,084 --> 00:50:49,964 ♪ The king is gone, but he's not forgotten ♪ 1116 00:51:02,977 --> 00:51:06,898 ♪ Hey, hey, my, my ♪ 1117 00:51:11,653 --> 00:51:15,740 ♪ Rock and roll can never die ♪ 1118 00:51:20,119 --> 00:51:24,499 ♪ There's more to the picture ♪