[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- You fucking cheated?
- But you're, like, a nerd.
- I don't know, guys. Is she?
She's cheating on tests,
trying to bang a dude on a teacher's desk.
I think she's, like, a bad girl.
- Well, now I have a meeting with President Lacey
and the Honor Board to plead my case
so that they don't expel me.
- Damn, girl, your life's a fucking mess right now.
- Bela-- - No, she's right. It is.
- Well, it is all going to work itself out.
Okay, and if it doesn't, then...
- Then what?
- I don't know, okay? I thought you guys would
jump in with something encouraging.
- Leighton! - Oh, my God! Ugh.
- Okay, let's focus on the positives, right?
Midterms are over and tonight we're going to rage
our brains out at the Anything But Clothes party.
- Yes, yes. - [laughs]
- I, for one, will be making a tasteful but extremely
revealing minidress made out of caution tape.
And caution, I will be showing some ass meat.
- Can you please not say "ass meat" while we are eating?
- Leighton, you're so repressed.
Table poll, is the phrase "ass meat"
repulsive or charming?
- I don't like it. - It's not great.
- Thank you. - Okay.
Well, here comes Nico. I'll ask him.
- Damn, he looks kind of mad.
- Leighton, I need to talk to you.
- I'm kind of busy right now. Can it wait?
- No, it can't. Let's go.
- Excuse me.
[clears throat]
- I mean, we're going to go eavesdrop, right?
- Yeah.
- ♪ Feel the sun on my face ♪
♪ We're gonna halt on what day now ♪
♪ Walk down, always have to go away ♪
- You had no right to say anything to Maya.
- You were cheating on two of my friends.
I am not the one who was in the wrong here.
- I just don't understand why you would do this to me.
- Oh, please, no one did anything to you.
You did this to yourself. I just put a stop to it.
- I just hate thinking that they're fighting about me.
- No, I don't think this is all about you.
- Because you fucked Kimberly, that's why!
- I mean, a good amount is about you, sure.
- What would you know about this anyway?
You've literally never dated
anyone seriously in your entire life.
Oh, you were all about Cory and then you go on
one date with him, and you ghost him.
- Uh, because he was boring.
Have you seen his Instagram? It's all sunsets.
- [scoffs]
- Do you think they stopped? I can't hear anything anymore.
It's so quiet.
- [grunts] - We just got here.
- I'm so sorry my hand grazed whatever it grazed.
Hey. - Did you guys hear all that?
- No. - Huh? No.
No, the doors are very thick.
- They're lying. I heard it from the bathroom.
♪ ♪
- Eric? - Up here.
- You sure you want to be here for this?
- Yeah, I am.
- Uh, what's going on?
- We know what you did to Bela.
- And to Carla.
- Okay, well, I don't know what you're talking about.
I didn't do anything.
- Yes, you did.
You assaulted both of us and you know it.
- Look, you can deny it all you want,
but we believe them, and we made our decision.
We're kicking you out.
- Wait, can we slow down for a second?
You're really going to take her word over mine?
The girl who gave eight hand jobs?
- Um, it was six hand jobs.
- And who cares how many fucking hand jobs she gave?
It doesn't make her any less credible, you shit.
- Dude, you know I wouldn't do this.
- So two different women are just saying this
to take you down for no reason?
It doesn't make any sense and we're not gonna ignore that.
It's done. - You can't just kick me out.
I'm a coeditor. - Oh, really?
- [gasps]
- Looks like you're not anymore.
[woman vocalizing gently]
- [softly] Yes!
♪ ♪
- ♪ You set yourself apart ♪
- Oh, now I see why you invited me over.
- Mm-hmm. I'm using you for your body.
- Mm.
- What are you gonna do about it?
- I'ma go willingly. That's what I'm gonna do.
- I'm taking my shirt off.
- Oh, sorry.
It's just weird doing this in Kimberly's room.
Is that her big-ass bra behind you?
- Just ignore it. - Mm-hmm.
- And look at my bra.
- Yes, it is a very, very good bra.
- Mm-hmm.
Should I take it off? - Uh-huh.
- Okay. Oh, my God, dude.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just weird.
It's weird having sex in your coworker's room.
Her stuffed panda is staring at me.
- That's Penny.
- Don't tell me Penny's name.
[knock on door]
- Whitney.
Whitney, are you in there?
- Oh, my God. - What?
- My mom is here. - What?
- My mom is at the fucking door.
- Oh.
- Here, put your fucking shirt on.
- Okay, you don't got to throw it.
- Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
- Oh, my...
- Mom, what are you doing here?
I thought you were on your book tour?
- I am, but I thought I'd make an extra stop
over here to ask you about this.
- Okay, I just finished installing
your antivirus software. Uh, all done.
- You put your shirt on backwards.
- Mom, this is Canaan.
Uh, he--okay.
- I'm going to see you later. - Yeah, go.
[computer line rings] - Kimmy-bean.
Perfect timing. Look who's at the store.
It's your third grade teacher, Mrs. Jarvis.
- Hi, Mrs. Jarvis.
- I can't see her.
- Aisle four. She's got a real deep cough.
Very, very wet.
- Dad, I need to talk to you.
- Oh, is everything okay?
- I kind of did something bad.
- Kimberly, whatever it is, you can tell me.
There's nothing you could say
that would make me disappointed in you.
- I cheated on a test and I got caught.
And now I might get expelled.
- Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.
- Dad, I'm so sorry. I know I messed up.
I--just please don't be mad at me.
- Of course I'm mad.
What the hell, Kimmy? This isn't like you.
- I know. - What were you thinking?
- I wasn't, that's the problem. I'm so stupid.
I don't know how to tell mom. - Oh, God, don't do that.
We can just keep this between us.
She will lose her shit.
Kimmy, it's okay to not be perfect for once.
Lord knows I'm not perfect.
Remember when I left grandpa's ashes
on the roof of the car and drove away?
- [chuckles]
I love you, Dad.
- I love you, too.
But you got to find a way to fix this.
- ♪ Not as easy ♪
- We'll see.
- ♪ Mind over matter ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Aloof joys and nostalgia ♪
- Mom, why are you just showing up like this?
You could've called.
- And you could've called me to tell me your team
was involved in a full-blown sex scandal.
Little suspicious I had to hear about it
from Carl instead of you.
- Carl, what the hell?
Okay, yeah, well, Mom, you're wasting your time.
Everything's fine. - Everything is not fine.
One of the coaches was molesting a girl.
- Oh, my God. No one was being molested.
I'm just saying. They were both adults.
And it's over. He's fired. He's gone.
- Whitney,
I cannot believe I'm going to ask you this,
but since you don't tell me anything about your life,
is it you?
- No. - Well, then, who was it?
I need to make sure she's okay.
♪ ♪
- You told her what?
♪ ♪
- ♪ We're all running ♪
♪ As fast as we can ♪
♪ To the finish line but what do we get ♪
♪ When it's over? ♪
♪ Does winning even matter in the end ♪
♪ If it's over? ♪
♪ I'm done chasing tomorrow down ♪
♪ I'm just... ♪
- Jeff, for the last time,
pieces about your cousin are not funny.
Nobody knows who Emma is.
- She's, like, crazy into horses.
There might be something there.
- There's nothing there.
- Bela, your piece about Frankenstein being Jewish
and going on birthright is pretty solid. Good work.
Everyone else, please make sure
you send in two more ideas by tomorrow.
And, also, be sure to CC our new coeditor, Evangeline.
- Uh, hello, you forgot to mention
the first female coeditor in "Catullan" history.
- Yes. - Come on, guys.
Yes, girl! - Whoo.
- Hey, I just want to say,
I think the way things went down
with Ryan was kind of fucked up.
And to be honest, some other people do, too.
- If you want to defend a predator,
maybe you should leave, too. - Whoa, whoa.
I don't think we need to kick anymore people out.
- It was Ryan's word against someone else's.
- Ryan's word didn't make any fucking sense.
You have no idea what you're talking about.
- Says the girl who benefitted from his exit.
- Are you fucking kidding me? - All right, everyone.
If we could calm down and get back to the meeting--
- Actually, I'm gonna go. - You should stay.
He should go. - No, I want to go.
I came to Essex because of "The Catullan,"
but I think it might suck.
In two months, I've been called a slut,
I've been hate crimed by an alum,
had some dude's dick jammed into my back.
If this is what being on "The Catullan" is like,
I'm sorry, I'm good without it.
- ♪ Baby, give me all you got ♪
♪ Hm ♪
♪ I never make you fall to your knees ♪
♪ And you'll fall again ♪
♪ I don't really know where I'm going ♪
- I've decided what I'm going
to tell the disciplinary committee.
I'm going to present them with a compelling,
thoughtful, at times humorous statement on who I am
and how I plan to learn from this experience.
- Bitch, I'm asleep.
You can't go in there empty-handed.
If you want them to go easy on you,
you have to bring them something.
- Like treats? - Like evidence, honey.
You stole that test from Theta, right?
- Mm-hmm. - Well, don't you think
that the Honor Board would like to know about the large scale
cheating ring that's infecting their beloved university?
- You think I should tattle? - Hell, yeah.
It's them or you.
- So Willow's going to pretend to be straight?
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah, that's not gonna work.
- Hey, do any of you want my outfit
for the Anything But Clothes party?
I'm not going. - What?
- Wait, you're not going to the party with us?
You made Whitney go to the Caribbean Night party
when she had mono. - I had fluid in my lungs.
- Bela, you have to go. We're all going.
- I can't. My soul is crushed.
My comedy dreams are over.
I guess now I'll just have to become a lame scientist
who cures IBS or some shit. - You're fucking going!
- Dude, it's just a party.
- It's not.
I'm going to steal the tests from Theta's closet
and turn them over to the disciplinary committee.
- Holy shit. - What?
White collar criminals do this stuff all the time.
- Having grown up on the Upper East Side,
I can confirm that is absolutely true.
- Look, I'm just freaking out,
and I really want you guys to be there.
- Well, all right, I'm in. I can't miss this shit.
Let's go steal some test-- - Shh.
- So which one of you guys
wants to wrap this around my ass?
- Nobody does. Stop.
- She would love to do it. - You know what? Stop.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- The next thing I knew, we were kissing in his truck.
And not just kissing-- hand stuff, too.
- [mouthing] - Oh.
You don't have to reveal anymore than you want to.
- No, I think it's important that we all hear this.
He took my flower. - Wow.
Okay, this is getting really personal.
- She's right.
I don't want to overstep boundaries,
but if you need anything, you let me know.
- All I need is to heal,
but I'm on my way.
- Senator Chase, hi.
Could I please get a photo with you?
- Of course. Carl.
- [whispers] That's your mom?
- Take a photo of us. Use that good angle.
- He took your flower? - I know.
I'm deeply good at this. Should I do drama?
- You are shockingly great at this,
and I appreciate you doing it.
- Oh, I'm just getting started.
When your mama come back, I'ma make myself cry.
- [laughs]
- ♪ Oh ♪ - Cheers.
- Cheers, bitches.
- Mm. - Oh, Bela, what was that?
- It was carrot cake Schnapps. It was on clearance.
- Yeah, 'cause it tastes like shit.
- I kind of liked it. - Right?
- I can't get the taste out of my mouth.
- ♪ Lucid dreams, lucid dreams 'bout you ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ It's all that I can do ♪
♪ Lucid dreams, lucid dreams 'bout you ♪
♪ 'Bout you, lucid dreams ♪
♪ Lucid dreams 'bout you ♪
♪ You are my weakness ♪
♪ Lucid dreams 'bout you ♪
[all cheering]
- Let's do this.
♪ ♪
- ♪ Another classic ♪
♪ I'm feeling fucking fantastic ♪
♪ Normally want to stay humble ♪
♪ But y'all know for real I be macking ♪
♪ I'm dealing with ♪
- Hell, yes, we're going to see some side dick tonight.
- I hope my mom doesn't show up.
- So she really bought that Willow is hooking up with him?
- I almost believed it.
- Hello, bitches.
- [screams] - What?
Lila, that outfit is awesome.
- Thanks. It's 320 condoms from the student center
and I plan on using all of them tonight.
Starting with you. Hello, sir.
[laughter]
- ♪ All I know is that you heard about me ♪
♪ Ah, shoot, I'm the baddest, baddest ♪
♪ That you ever had in the room ♪
- Want to get two shots each? Pretend they're for friends?
- [laughs] Yes.
- Four. - Excuse me.
Uh, hi. - What?
- Uh, sorry if this feels creepy.
Um, but I've been watching you all night.
- I've been here for, like, six minutes.
- And those have been the best six minutes of my life.
- Look, you're really charming
and all of this is very impressive.
I'm just not interested tonight.
- Fair enough.
♪ ♪
- Girl, if you say no to that,
what the hell do you say yes to?
- [laughs]
- Whew, he had, like, an eight pack.
- Okay, all right. - You know me.
The abs. - Thank you.
- Should we talk about
your humiliating introduction to my mom?
- No, no, let's actually never talk about that again.
Actually, ever.
- Yeah, she is way too much. Sorry.
- Doesn't seem like too much to me.
She left her book tour to make sure you were okay.
She obviously cares about you a lot.
♪ ♪
Not to dampen the mood or anything.
- I--I know. We're at a party.
[laughter]
- Hey, Bela, can we talk to you?
- Uh, yeah. Is everything okay?
How was the rest of "The Catullan" meeting?
- It sort of ended right after you left.
- So was everyone mad at me?
- Actually, after you quit, Jo and I started talking
and we quit too. - Are you for real?
- Yep, you were right. That place is awful.
- I give it two weeks before
Jeff has a nervous breakdown and moves home to Connecticut.
- And how the fuck did it take till now
for them to have a female editor?
- Yeah, so that's what we wanted to talk to you about.
We wanted to start a new comedy thing with you.
- Ladies only. - What do you think?
♪ ♪
- Yes. Hell, yeah.
[laughter] Yes, yes.
- ♪ Say it tonight, light all this ♪
- I kind of want to do it
but I also don't want to get in trouble.
- Okay, if you want to do it, you got to do it now.
He's not looking. He's distracted.
- Okay, let's go. - Come on.
♪ ♪
Hey, hey, hey.
Okay, hurry up. It's a party.
There's, like, a million people around.
- I've never done this before. I'm not Tom Cruise.
Here they are. - Okay.
Take it, let's go.
Holy shit, is that why you wore that bag?
- Your girl knows how to scheme.
- Okay.
- [gasps] - Shit.
- No, damn it, fuck. - No, no, no.
[gasps] - What the fuck?
- [gasps]
- What are you doing?
- What does it look like?
- I'm going to leave you both to it.
- Are you doing this 'cause you're mad at me?
- I got caught cheating with one of these.
- For real?
- Oh, shit. - Yeah, it's not great.
So I was gonna hand these in and try and save myself.
- You should.
- Seriously?
- I mean, if it helps you not get expelled,
then it's worth it.
- Thanks.
I could also use some duct tape.
- ♪ Light up the way ♪
- So he just let you take the test?
- Yeah. - That's so cool.
- Yeah, that is surprisingly cool of him.
- Oh, my God, that's Eric.
He really stood up for me today.
Wait a minute.
Eric! Eric!
- Bela? What are you wearing?
- Oh, it's caution tape.
- Yeah, I can see that.
- So how's it going? - Bad.
I had to irrevocably end my relationship
with my best friend, and I have to move out
of my apartment because it's his.
And we lost all our good writers.
So not the best day.
- Right, that makes sense.
Where are you gonna live? - I don't know.
I could ask my dads for rent money.
- Dads? - Yeah, I have two dads.
- Oh, that's fun.
- You think it's fun that I have two dads?
- I do. - [chuckles]
Yeah, I guess it's kind of fun.
- Well, I should go. My friends are waiting for me.
But, um, maybe I'll see you around?
- Yeah. - All right.
- ♪ You know that damn right ♪
- Damn, I'm freezing my ass off!
♪ ♪
♪ So I look you up ♪
♪ Open them ♪
♪ Take a minute, flow ♪
♪ 'Cause I'll come 'round ♪
- Hey. - [chuckles] Hey.
- I'm sorry to show up unannounced.
Uh, can I come in?
- I don't think that's a good idea.
- Why?
Someone else here? - No.
I just don't think it's a good idea.
- Okay.
- ♪ If I told you that it hurt my... ♪
- Well, uh, I just...
I came to say that I, uh...
That I really miss you.
And this is where it would be great
if you could say that you also miss me too.
- I do miss you, but, um,
I also want to move on.
And like I said, I don't want to go backwards.
I can't, so...
you need to move on too.
- ♪ So long ♪
♪ So long ♪
♪ You're strong, so tough ♪
♪ But so wrong ♪
♪ And just to prove you right ♪
♪ You want it, honey bear ♪
♪ To come over tonight ♪
♪ So I look you up ♪
♪ ♪
- I prepared a statement.
It's--it's kind of long. - It's okay.
Kimberly, let's just start with some questions.
- Oh.
- Is it true that you cheated on Professor Bennett's midterm?
- Yes. - And was Professor Bennett
clear about what materials were
and were not allowed during the test?
- Yes.
- So did you know that what you were doing was wrong?
- Yes.
Boy, I don't like how these questions are making me look.
- Well, what you're describing
is a clear violation of Essex honor code.
We take that very seriously.
- I know. I messed up.
But this isn't me.
I've never been in trouble in my life before.
But I'm just kind of struggling here.
The classes are amazing, but they're hard.
At least I think so.
And I want to do well, but I also work
five days a week just so that I can afford to go here.
And I don't mean to make excuses
or complain about being poor, but you have no idea
how hard it was for my family to send me here.
My mom had to sell her piano, and that really sucked.
And that's fine, it's fine, I'm fine.
It's who we are.
But I guess that's why I feel so much pressure to do well.
I know what I did is wrong and I won't do it again,
but my spot at Essex means everything to me.
I can't lose it.
I should've ended with the "I won't do this again" thing.
I won't do this again.
- Okay, thank you for your statement.
- Is there anything else you'd like to share?
- Actually, yes.
♪ ♪
- Baby, I want to apologize.
I saw that article and I assumed the worst of you.
- It's okay, Mom.
- No, it's not okay.
I get scrutinized so much in my line of work.
If I show half an inch of cleavage,
I am a headline on "Bride Bark."
And it makes me so much stricter on you,
which is unfair.
You shouldn't have to pay the price for my career.
You are a good kid-- - I did it.
It was me.
I was the girl.
- Which girl?
- The one who had the affair with the coach.
Willow was just pretending for me.
She's gay. - What?
- I know. She was very convincing.
- You know that's not what I was talking about.
You had an...
You had an affair with your soccer coach?
How could you have kept this from me
and lied to me about it?
- I knew it was wrong, but I was in love with him.
- I am so upset.
- I know you're angry with me.
I'm sorry.
I never meant to-- - I'm not angry with you.
I'm angry with myself.
- Mom, I didn't want to disappoint you.
- How could I have let this happen?
I'm your mother. I'm supposed to protect you.
Instead, I made you feel like you had to keep this a secret.
- I just...
I mean, I thought I could handle it by myself.
- Baby, you don't only have to tell me the good things.
I'm also here when things are bad.
Especially when things are bad.
- ♪ If you go ♪ - [sighs]
- ♪ Go later on ♪
♪ I could lie ♪
- Listen, I don't have to leave for a while.
Would you like to come back to my hotel and talk some more?
- Yeah, that sounds good. - Okay.
♪ ♪
So you trying to tell me your friend Willow is gay?
- I know. She's an amazing actress.
- How did the disciplinary hearing go?
Did you cry?
- I cried a little, and then a lot on my way home.
- [sighs] Kimberly.
You gave them the tests though, right?
- Yeah.
- I think that it's gonna be fine.
If seasons 1 through 22 of "SVU" have taught me anything,
is that Chris Maloney can get it
and that turning over evidence always works.
- I hope so. - Me too.
All right, I'm gonna go meet up with Evangeline and Jo.
- Okay, where are the others?
- Uh, Whitney's out and
I think Leighton's still in bed?
- Leighton's still in bed? It's almost noon.
- Yeah.
- Leighton. - Go away please.
- Are you crying?
- No, I'm fine.
- What's going on? What's wrong?
- I was seeing someone and I fucked it up.
I fucked it up because I am fucked up.
- I didn't even know you were seeing someone.
But you're not fucked up.
You're like,
the most together person I know.
You're so pretty and you're so smart.
And if this guy's too stupid to see that,
then it's his loss.
Okay?
Don't cry. He's not worth it.
- It wasn't a guy. It was a girl.
I'm gay.
- Oh, Leighton.
Does anyone else know?
- No.
- Wow, I'm surprised you're telling me.
- Yeah, well, me too.
- I'm really proud of you.
- [sobbing] I don't want to be like this.
Kimberly, it's terrifying.
I don't want my whole life to change.
- I get it. Coming out seems really scary.
- [crying]
- But I think...
the only way you can be happy is if you're yourself.
♪ ♪
- ♪ I will be there ♪
♪ Don't you be scared, I will be there ♪
♪ Don't you be scared ♪
- You are a really good person.
- So are you.
You're not just telling me this
because there's a chance I might get expelled soon, right?
- No, at least not on any level that I realize.
- Okay. [laughs]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Be all right, be all right ♪
♪ Be all right, be all right ♪
- Remember that thick-necked hottie
that hit on Leighton last night?
Well, I am three years deep into his Insta
and I just found this.
- Oh, my God. - Right?
Leighton, you got to ride this dude like a log flume.
- I think Leighton can do better.
- Do better?
Look at his V muscles. - Oh, shit.
The email from the Honor Board came in.
[groans]
- What does it say?
- I'm not expelled.
- Yes! - Oh, my God.
That's great. - Scared me.
- Hey, what is wrong? Why aren't you happy?
- They revoked my scholarship.
So I have to find an extra $23,000 a semester.
[Doja Cat's "Boss Bitch"]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Yeah, ain't trying to be cool like you ♪
♪ Wobblin' around in your high-heeled shoes ♪
♪ I'm clumsy, made friends with the floor ♪
♪ Two for one, you know a bitch buy four ♪
♪ And two left feet you know I always drop ♪
♪ First thing the girl did was a bop ♪
♪ I'm the whole damn cake and the cherry on top ♪
♪ Shook up the bottle made a good girl pop ♪
♪ You ain't even here to party ♪
♪ Ken in the club trying to pay for Barbie ♪
♪ I don't want to go, go, go with the flow ♪
♪ Bend till I touch my toes ♪
♪ I don't wanna row, row, row the boat ♪
♪ Fist full of rocks and I hope I float ♪
♪ Wake up yourself 'cause you know they don't ♪
♪ I chew, chew, chew 'cause they hope I choke ♪
♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a boss ♪
♪ I'm a bitch and a boss and I shine like gloss ♪
♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a boss ♪
♪ I'm a bitch and a boss and I shine like gloss ♪
♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a boss ♪
♪ I'm a bitch and a boss and I shine like gloss ♪
♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a boss ♪
♪ I'm a bitch and a boss and I shine like ♪
♪ Said bitch, I'm the after, you been the before ♪
♪ I been the stallion, you been the sea horse ♪
♪ Don't need a report, don't need a press run ♪
♪ All of my bad pics been all my best ones ♪
♪ I wear the hat and I wear the pants ♪
♪ I am advanced so I get advanced ♪
♪ And I do my dance and cancel the plans ♪
♪ Don't be mad 'cause you had a chance ♪
♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a boss ♪
♪ I'm a bitch and a boss and I shine like gloss ♪
♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a boss ♪
♪ I'm a bitch and a boss and I shine like gloss ♪
♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a boss ♪
♪ I'm a bitch and a boss and I shine like gloss ♪
♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a boss ♪
♪ I'm a bitch and a boss and I shine like gloss ♪
♪ ♪
- Go to bed.