Sorry, I'm late. My eyeliner took me three tries.
Bela, you're literally glowing.
Does this mean what I think it does?
You and Arvind finally had sex?
Sadly, no.
The orgasmic glow you are noticing is from a foot-peeling mask,
- that I accidentally used on my face. - Oh.
Took off the top layer of my skin.
Am I wrong in assuming this is the longest stretch you've gone
without having sex?
Sure is, but... Whatever, I have accepted the reality for what it is.
I'll have sex when I'm supposed to have sex.
I'll survive. I think.
Hello, friends!
I brought you all some cupcakes with my face on it.
But please, be careful, 'cause the photo is not edible.
Somebody got real sick.
Okay, but, um, why?
This is all a part of my grassroots campaign
to get on "Essex Fifty Most List."
What's "'Essex's' Fifty Most List?"
The campus magazine does this big issue every year,
where they rank the 50 hottest students on campus,
and then, they write about them.
It is major social cred, so I'm already campaigning.
So, remember, that's Jayla, with a "Y." Not to be confused with "ugly Jayla."
Essex has a student organization that ranks people by their looks,
and I'm just finding out about this now?
Everyone is so thirsty for that dumb list, this time of year.
Half of my teammates got blowouts before last week's game.
They're all a week ahead of me?
It's so backwards and archaic.
The world needs to get better
at acknowledging that some things are subjective.
Not everything needs to be ranked.
Aren't you obsessed with the US news and World College Rankings?
Not anymore, since they totally fucked us.
Big deal, Columbia has a nursing program.
Our student-to-faculty ratio crushes theirs.
Okay, well, I am so getting on this list.
Do you guys know a good place where you can get a vampire facial?
I don't know what that means.
Ooh, I just got a text from Arvind saying he hopes I'm free tomorrow. Here we go.
Okay. This might be it.
And, he wants me to volunteer with him at an old folks home.
It's official, I'm definitely never having sex again.
Whitney, can I borrow your Theragun later?
With that segue? No.
Vote for Jayla, put the A in slay.
Slay.
I need a tagline.
That's crazy.
Dude, I can't believe you were just at soccer practice.
That fall the other day was so gnarly.
I thought you were dead for a second.
It wasn't that bad.
Did the team doc give you anything? Pills? Shot?
No. They just told me to ice and rest.
Whitney.
Hey, Professor Milton.
Willow. This is my professor who's running the fish lab.
The one I've been doing the research with.
So you're the reason Whitney smells weird on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
I certainly am. And that stink
is the price you have to pay to find a cure for fin rot.
Now, has Whitney explained fin rot to you?
No, but you don't have to either. I'm good.
Whitney, unfortunately, I've got some bad news.
The university decided not to fund us.
Seriously?
What the heck? I thought our prospectus was good.
This is just how it goes in research.
No matter what good we can do, we're at the mercy of the dollar.
Right. Thank you for telling me.
Hey, don't let it get you down.
Just keep doing what you're doing, do your work,
and eventually something will bite.
And, let's hope that bite doesn't come from the Amazonian Candiru fish.
- Because... She... - Because, she keeps...
- Do you know the fish? - I'll explain it to her.
That was really good.
- Thank you. - Thank you. I needed that.
- Yeah. Nice to meet you. - Yeah.
Wow. What's with the spreadsheet?
You know you don't have to do your taxes until you're 25, right?
Oh, that's not true.
It's not? Oh, fuck.
This is an intricate grid of all the in-person and digital connections I have
with students who work on Essex's 50 Most list.
It shows people who I've gotten to
and people who I still need to, you know, hunt down.
Wow, you're really locked in since learning about the list.
I have to!
So many girls are angling for this,
and as a new transfer student I have to work harder.
I will not be snubbed an award by some rando who didn't know I existed.
This is how I won little Miss North Dakota,
and I've never even set foot in Dakota.
I don't I know if this matters to you or not,
but whether or not you make that list, we think you're beautiful.
Aw, that's so sweet.
Would you be willing to tweet that from a few 100 fake accounts?
Okay. I'm off.
I'm officially ahead on all of my homework and reading,
so I have a free day to myself.
Wow, what are you gonna do?
I'm gonna do the official Essex campus tour.
Isn't that for high school students who don't go here yet?
It is. But I couldn't afford to fly here when I applied.
But it's for the best
because I have so many questions about the benches.
Okay. Well, have fun.
Ooh, when you walk by the Essex View office,
will you talk really loudly about how cute Kacey Lynne Baker is?
Sure.
Yay! Thank you.
Go fish!
Aren't we playing Checkers?
Yeah. We play whatever they think we're playing.
Estelle, you win again.
Ha! Suck it, Morris.
Thanks for inviting me.
I did think having a date in the old folks home would be weird,
- and it is. - Yep.
But I'm loving the unlimited pudding policy.
Of course. I find helping the elderly so rewarding.
And only half of them are racist, which is pretty good for people over 80.
That is good.
This is the girl Arvind's been dating behind our back.
She's very pretty.
But can she make Ukrainian stuffed peppers?
You know, Arvind,
women don't hit their sexual prime until their 60s.
Okay. Sorry about them. They're a little protective of me.
No, it's okay. I love a little friendly competition.
But back off, ladies, he's mine.
What did you say about my back?
Nothing. Your back is great.
No, it isn't.
Hey, I finally have a night off from FAF duties tomorrow.
Wait. So do I.
We haven't had a night off together in so long.
We have to go out.
Out? Like, to a party? Yeah, that could be fun.
Admittedly, ever since I became a FAF, I don't really party.
Wait, so you haven't been to a party all year?
Calendar year or school year?
I don't know why I asked that. Either way, the answer is no.
Okay, then it's settled. Tomorrow I'm taking you out.
Get ready to see Bela Malhotra tear up the campus.
Okay, let's do it.
Let's get turned.
- It's "turnt." - Turnt, right.
I think it's so sweet, you both came to this country and found love.
Wow, she's not even the racist one.
Bingo!
So, what do you think of Essex so far?
If I were you, I'd apply early.
It's actually my safety school. I'm hoping to get into Columbia.
Columbia?
Okay, well, have fun at the Ivy with the lowest student satisfaction rate,
according to multiple Reddit posts.
Hello, prospective students and prospective parents...
And Kimberly?
Brian, you're our tour guide?
Yeah.
Kimberly is a fellow student from one of my classes.
- Who I guess is taking the tour. - Mmm-hmm.
- Weird. - No, that's not weird.
I guess you could say I'm not just a student at Essex,
I'm also a student of Essex.
Whoa, that is going into a brochure if I have any pull.
So do you have any special requests?
Okay, I would never wanna backseat tour guide,
but I do have some questions about the lattice work in the Divinity Solarium.
And also I heard that the original desk that John Essex used
was converted into a bookcase. I would love to see that.
I'd like to see the Sbarro in the student center.
Yeah, okay. Though unfortunately, we lost our licensing deal,
and it is now called a "Sbumo".
Okay, potential Foxes, let's get this tour started.
First up our library, which was originally Vermont's first high security prison.
I fucking knew it!
Keep these details coming, Brian, I am living!
Goodbye, Doug.
I will always remember the time I accidentally touched you
and got pink eye the next day.
Step away from the tank.
We got the funding!
No way. Really? That's unbelievable.
It is a miracle. Although, as a scientist, I do not believe in those.
Now we can finally get that self-cleaning filtration system,
and nobody has to be on algae duty.
Exactly. Although I do find scraping the tank to be calming.
Wait, so, who is this mysterious donor?
Some telecom billionaire's venture firm, called Beaconvest Capital.
Really? Oh, God.
What? Did they do something bad? Is this like dirty opioid money?
Actually, don't tell me. I really need this.
No.
It's just that's my boyfriend's dad's company.
It is? Finally a student with connections.
Hey, if you'd be willing to introduce us,
I have a few proposals I wanted to run by them.
I have this idea for a restaurant that is awesome.
All right, boys! Tonight we celebrate, double flakes for everyone!
Whoop! Sorry, Shelly. Shouldn't have said "boys."
I think if you went into that situation and...
- Excuse me. - Heads up! The frats are doing hell week,
so everybody be on the lookout for pranks.
And by pranks, I do mean people pooping in the laundry dryers.
That can't be real.
What the hell is wrong with people?
Taylor, you changed your hair. Now I know why the shower is pink.
It's great you're here, actually,
because we were just discussing the letter you slipped under our door.
My letter? What letter?
The one suggesting that we all attend the queer rodeo fundraising party tonight
regardless of our sexualities, because, "Ally ship starts with action."
Yes.
Right! I wrote this.
'Course you did.
It's signed, "from Bela." And you misspelled the word "environment."
- Classic Bela. - Classic.
Hey, Taylor, can I talk to you outside for a second?
What the hell is going on?
I figured out how to get with Chloe.
Chloe, your roommate? Who you told me, is straight?
She says she's straight.
My gaydar for her is going off
like you at a men's warehouse clearing sale.
People like my neckties!
I think if I can get Chloe to a big queer party,
she might feel comfortable enough coming out to me.
So, you lie to me to sound like I'm forcing them to attend,
and that I can't spell a simple three-syllable-word?
Four, babe.
En-vi-ro... Damn it!
Fine. I won't blow up your plan.
- Thank you. - But just know,
that I will be attending this party as well.
Not because of anything that happened here,
but because a queer rodeo sounds really fun.
Please, don't go to it.
It's too late. It's already happening.
See you there, Taylor!
Mmm! his panini is literally rocking my world.
You want a bite?
Who invented the panini?
The exact origin of the panini is unknown.
Well, ain't that some shit!
- What? - Oh, my God!
That guy's dropping off the magazines with the 50 Most list.
Oh, my God, I'm coming.
- Excuse me. - Look out! Tall and tiny, comin' through.
No. Come on.
A 10% off coupon for Sips? When did I approve that?
Who are these people?
Uggo! Legacy!
Nepo!
Damn, you judge fast.
Forty seven, forty eight, forty nine...
There's only one page left.
Oh, fuck.
Well, maybe it's you.
Calvin?
Isn't that the guy who cheated on you?
Damn, he's got a thicker neck than I remember.
What? I can hate the guy and not hate his hot neck.
Wow, Brian, you are such a good tour guide.
I don't care what those stupid high school kids say.
Wait. What did they say?
Oh, nothing. They loved it.
And they loved the length of your khaki pants.
Well, you were a lot more fun than my normal audience.
But there's one spot I never get to include in the tour...
and I knew I had to show you.
Oh, my God, What is it? The anticipation is killing me.
Most people don't find this interesting,
but this line of stones was the original property line of Essex College.
Oh, my God. So, are you saying that if it were 1680,
I wouldn't even be standing on Essex property right now?
That's right.
You would be standing on contested Dutch territory.
Brian, I am losing my shit right now!
It's insane that they make you take this out of the tour.
- Everyone deserves to know this. - Right?
Some of us like that it's more of a secret.
Professor Friedman, what are you doing here?
Well, I was having a quiet lunch alone with my thoughts.
Wait. You two aren't on some weird little date, are you?
- Not at all. No. - No. Of course not.
I don't like when my students date.
The last two that did became rival judges and a man was executed.
He did bomb a building. But that trial was messy.
Oh, no need to worry. We're just friends.
Yeah, less than friends. Just acquaintances, even.
- Respectfully. - Respectfully.
I should go. But I'll see you guys in the symposium.
Oh!
Just...
Now I can go.
Hey, can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah. What's up, Whitney?
Not you, Terry.
Okay, I'll step to the side, but I'll be listening.
What's up?
Did you get your dad to fund my lab?
I did. When you told me about your lab losing funding, I reached out to him.
He loves funding science and innovation.
He was an angel investor in the Snuggie, and that's what got us our Paris home.
Wow. Okay, I know you were trying to be nice,
but $200,000 is a lot of money.
You gave your girlfriend $200,000?
What? I said I'd be listening.
What? Did I do something wrong? You seem mad at me.
I just wish you would have told me first.
Look, I don't want to feel like I owe you anything.
The whole thing just makes me feel weird.
You think you feel weird? I just found out he gave you $200,000,
yet he still owes me ten bucks for wings. Make it make sense.
Terry, my Venmo notifications are turned off.
Consider yourself notified.
Oh, my... Look, if I wanna do something nice for you, that's on me.
Money is money. You don't owe me anything.
So, it shouldn't matter where it came from.
Yeah, well, it matters to me.
Same! Same!
Cheers!
Dang!
Guys, I need this party tonight.
I'm so annoyed at Isaiah, which is why I'm excited to drink
until I forget about why I'm annoyed at him.
Yeah! Who needs men
when you've got good music, great vibes, and the best gals?
And me, Arvind!
Who wants another shot?
It's so fun that you're here, Arvind. We never have guests at our pregame.
That's because we're giving him the full party experience,
keg stands, sweaty dancing
and not realizing how drunk you are until you sit down to pee!
Can I get a yee-haw?
Yee-haw!
Yippie-ki-yay-who fucking cares?
Girl. Are you good?
No, I'm hideous.
I'm not one of the top 50 hottest people on this campus, and Calvin is?
Which basically means I'm human dumpster water.
And worse, I lost my breakup.
Kacey, please stop. You're beautiful.
And Calvin being on that list should confirm how dumb it is.
Yeah, he looks like a thumb and his mouth is a knuckle.
Yeah, his lips are the same color as his face.
And worst of all, he's ugly on the inside.
No, no. Continue making fun of his outside looks.
I'll say it. He's got date-rape vibes.
- Oh, my God! - What?
- Too far! - What? He does.
I hate that this man broke your heart and you should know,
your scars are what make you most beautiful.
- Too much, Arvind. - Sorry, I'm still learning how to pregame.
Kacey, come to the party with us, it'll make you feel better.
I'm going. I may be ugly, but that doesn't mean I don't exist.
So again, you are not...
And if I don't go out, then they win. And I refuse to let them win.
Wait for me. I'm gonna go put my extensions in.
You don't need to extend anything.
Everything about you is the perfect length.
Do not let her put Taylor Swift on.
She will get lost in the song and never come out. Go!
Am I off?
This is impossible. When do we clap?
Wait, how are you doing this so well?
It's easy. Ready?
It's tap, tap, shuffle, and hop.
I get the hop part, but not the other stuff.
In my town,
you have to take a line-dancing class to graduate high school.
Why don't they just play one of those songs
where the lyrics are instructions?
Okay, now cowboy up.
Yeah, but what does that mean? Oh!
I give up. Let's get out of the stomp zone.
- Absolutely. - Please!
You guys looked like shit out there.
I'm not judging. I'm also very bad.
I'm Lewis by the way. Nice to meet you.
Hey, cool party.
Oh, you think just because I'm gay, it's my party?
Just kidding! It is, I planned the whole thing. She's cute, right?
Yeah, what's the bucket for?
Oh, we're collecting donations for our friend's top surgery.
Boob-voyage, baby.
Hell yeah, I'll donate to that.
It's an honor to be a part of someone's gender journey.
- Howdy, my hotties! - Howdy!
Let me put some in the pot.
Oh, I know you have more money than that.
Let me know if you need any help searching those pockets.
Canaan, this is Lewis.
He's the one that got fired from Sips before you got hired.
Lila and I were a disaster together.
I've missed you, you little slut.
Lila, where's your Instacart hottie?
Sadly, Gabe and I have drifted apart.
But someday, on a dark and lonely night
when I realize I need some household products,
perhaps we shall reunite.
Until then, who is down to hoedown?
I am.
Yas, my long-backed angel!
Let's get that flat ass on the dance floor, shall we?
She did not say "long-backed."
Come on.
Damn, Lila, those are some impressive dance moves.
These aren't dance moves. They're select body movements
meant to catch the eye of the hot ass cowboy over there.
And it...
worked. Bye, bitches.
This is so much more fun than Catan Night with the boys.
Bela, thank you so much for bringing me.
Aw, look at us! No first years to take care of.
Is a student triggered by an incident with a roommate?
Bela doesn't care. She's off tonight.
Yeah. Is a student homesick? Arvind doesn't care.
He does care. He loves people and he really wants them to be happy.
But he's off tonight!
I'm gonna get us another drink. M'lady.
Seems like Arvind's having fun.
Yeah. I feel like I'm getting to know a whole new side of him.
Look at him swirl in that ice.
And he's totally been all over me.
I think tonight might be the night we finally have sex.
I doubt it, babe. That boy is drunk.
I think I overestimated his tolerance.
Whoo!
I gotta sober him up. Does anybody have any rice?
Or pieces of bread, like you might feed to a duck?
Chloe! You made it.
Of course. Anything for a good cause.
And isn't it so great we can be in a place where we can truly be ourselves?
In the dining hall?
- Yeah. - Sure.
I love your outfit, by the way.
Thank you. It's my take on Western wear.
Based on one 10-second Google search.
It's hot. I'm going to get a drink.
Okay.
You're gay for straight.
Excuse me?
You're gaming on a straight girl.
I've meticulously catalogued all the gay women on this campus
and that girl is not in my binder. Who is she?
- My roommate. - Oh.
And what makes you so sure she's straight?
Her nails. Girl's got a stiletto manicure.
These are the hands of a hard-working lesbian.
Okay. But when we're alone,
she's always playing with my hair and touching my leg and she...
And that means nothing.
A straight girl will flirt with you one minute
and make out with your brother at his laser tag birthday party the next.
Worst day of my life.
I'm pretty sure that won't happen to me.
And I know I'm right about Chloe.
You're gonna regret not listening to your queer elders.
You're two years older than me.
I have to come clean about something.
I don't know what cold foam means,
so whenever someone orders it, I just give them whipped cream.
Kimberly, no Sips talk, respect my work-life balance.
Okay. Brian!
Oh, Kimberly, hi.
Lila, this is Brian, the guy from my symposium
who I spent the whole day with.
Oh, yes. The Essex tour.
What a cool and normal way for people our age to spend an afternoon.
Oh, I meant to tell you. The book on gerrymandering
that Professor Friedman mentioned is back in circulation tomorrow.
Yeah, I got the notification too.
Oh! Okay. I guess it's gonna be a race to the library and we'll see who wins.
Well, this was weird to watch. Like two prime numbers having a meet cute.
See you later, Kimberly and Himberly.
Himberly?
Wait, is she making fun of us
because we have a lot in common, or something?
- That's silly. - That's silly.
You're really holding your own on the dance floor.
Yeah. Thanks to a mother-son dance
I didn't want to do at my parents' vow renewal, I can do this.
You dipped and kissed your mom?
What? No. Not the kiss part.
Okay, good.
- God, you look so damn beautiful tonight. - Aw.
Not beautiful enough to be on that list.
Hey, will you let that go?
When I tell you you're beautiful, I want you to believe it.
I don't want you to put yourself down. That list doesn't matter.
You wouldn't understand.
You're a boy who probably got praised for being tall and athletic and smart.
But you know what made my parents smile?
When people at the grocery store would stop to tell them how pretty I was.
Because girls don't get the same treatment as boys.
The world tells us very loud and very clear, that our looks do matter.
And, yeah, maybe I don't want that to be the case
because the amount of effort that I have to put into it
is absolutely exhausting.
Okay. I'm sorry.
- Can we just go? - Yeah.
Boys, Girls, Gays, and Theys. Listen up!
Thank you all so much for coming out tonight
to support queer students at Essex and the issues that are important to them!
Thanks to your donations, we've been able to gather enough money
to help our president, Sam, get top surgery!
All right, enough talking.
But how 'bout a little live music?
All I want Is somebody who wants me
Come on and take me home
If you want me Than show me you love me
Yes!
Come on and take me home
Tell me you love me Just tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Come on and take me home
Tell me you love me Just tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
This is good. What do you call this?
It's ice water. Finish it.
This is sick. I love this stuff.
I'm so inspired by all the queer bravery on display today.
Hey, love is love, and I love you all!
Maybe we should go outside and get you some fresh air.
Oh, no. It's a party. I'm an ally.
As a matter of fact, I think I should make a speech for everyone.
- No. - I should give a little speech.
Arvind, I don't think that's a good idea.
Let them be the judge of that.
You saved me from my fall.
I didn't. At all.
Hey, Bela. I was thinking
we should go back to your place and sex.
I do want that.
But I think we should wait until you're a little more present.
I'm all present. Unwrap me, Santa.
- Okay. - Okay.
- We're getting up? Okay. - Yes, we are.
Okay. Maybe instead of sex, we get you some Gatorade and nachos?
- Okay. That sounds good too. - It does sound good, doesn't it?
Tell me you love me Just tell me you love me
Tell me you love me
Looking at your phone at a party because you're stressed
or you're just trying to act cool?
No, it's not that. Isaiah and I got into a fight before this.
What happened?
He got his rich dad to fund my research project.
And I know I should be happy because it lets me keep going
and I've put so much work into this,
but I just hate feeling like I owe him.
I get you. I've felt that same thing.
Sometimes I'm at these scholarship dinners,
and I feel like I'm supposed to be smiling and groveling
and laughing at their weird jokes about tax evasion.
But I didn't make them donate anything.
What they do with their money is on them, not me.
That's sort of exactly what Isaiah said.
But it makes more sense coming from you.
Most things do.
My homie just pulled up. But congratulations on your funding.
- Thank you. - You take that money and you...
build a rocket, I don't know. I don't understand what you do.
Wow. Okay.
Just all your love
Go ahead you can give it to me Hung up on your touch
I want you, girl
Go ahead you can give it to me
All I want is somebody who wants me Come on and take me home
If you want me then show me...
I'm sorry.
- Oh... No. - Are you all right?
No. It's...
I'm so sorry if I gave you the wrong impression.
I hope this doesn't make things awkward between us as roommates.
Totally.
Of course.
Take me home
Would you excuse me?
Ooh, you okay?
I just need a moment.
Happy Pride, losers!
Gay! Hell week!
Fucking arseholes!
Hey!
Hey, fuck you!
Suck my gay dick.
Did you just throw a muffin?
I did. It was all I had.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, thanks.
Why do you look so familiar?
We met at speed dating. Yeah.
You gave me your number, and then never texted me back.
Right.
And you've totally forgiven me. That's so big of you.
Well, it helps to be hot.
Yeah, that's true. I've never forgiven an ugly person.
Could I walk you home?
I would like that, actually.
And sorry for not texting you back.
I got distracted by something that was not worth my time.
Well, let's hope that I am.
Let's actually get going though,
because I worry with the egg on you, that the raccoons are going to find us.
Well, you'll protect me, no?
Cooper, I don't have any makeup on!
I told you, no unannounced visits or pre-bed FaceTimes.
You look cute. All right? I like your crazy morning hair.
Oh. What are you doing here?
I just came by to tell you
that a student got removed from Essex's 50 Most List
over some questionable tweets that were deeply misogynistic.
Tweets that somebody stayed up all night finding
and sending to their friend that works on the magazine.
You didn't.
I did. I did.
And I got to recommend a replacement.
Kacey Lynne Baker, in my mind you always were,
but you are now officially one of Essex's 50 Hottest Students.
Yeah, and they want a picture, like now, so...
Oh, no! I'm not camera ready!
I'm joking, okay? Go get ready.
Oh, wait! Thank you!
Oh, yeah.
Yes, I'm back!
You doing all right?
Yeah.
I regret nothing.
Thanks for an amazing night.
- Find a pic you like? - Yep.