- ♪ Two straight men ♪
♪ But one will win ♪
♪ The... ♪
♪ "Gayme Show!" ♪
- Rita Ora, everyone.
- Yes, Rita Ora,
which of course is queer for, "Okay, gorgeous."
- Okay!
I'm your host, Dave Mizzoni.
- And here's the thing, I'm also your host, Matt Rogers,
and this is "Gayme Show!"
where we take two straight contestants and put them head-to-head
to see which one of them will be named honorarily...
BOTH: Gay as fuck! - Gay as fuck!
- And will reign forevermore as queen of the straights.
- ♪ Oh, yeah, yeah! ♪
- Now, before we meet our straights, let's get to know their lifelines,
or as we call them, life partners.
- First up, it's our wise queer,
please welcome Bowen Yang.
[cheers and applause]
- And now the woman who gets it, it's Ilana Glazer!
[cheers and applause]
And with that, we're ready to meet the straights.
- Release them! - Go.
DAVE: Jon Gabrus appears in a mural in his hometown pizzeria Mama Gina's.
That's true.
MATT: Moshe Kasher has attended Burning Man 20 times.
[ethereal shimmering, electronic pulsing]
- ♪ Celebrity Essences! ♪
- Contestants will now be given three different clues,
which, when combined, will form the essence of a particular celebrity.
Your clues are...
a horny golden retriever.
- Hey, let him finish.
- Clap pushups.
- It's like masculinity but louder.
- And a really hard handshake that's like, "We get it."
- You're hurting me.
- Contestants, please deliberate, and write down your answers.
[low chatter]
MATT: Talk amongst yourselves.
DAVE: Contestants, please, lock in your answers.
[bell dings] Jon, who is this?
- Our final answer was Chris Hemsworth.
DAVE: Mm-hmm. - But we were on the--
obviously, I didn't want to get black all over my hands...
MATT: I understand. - But Channing Tatum was our first guess.
- I'm gonna take away 11 points 'cause that thing has an eraser on it.
- Ah. DAVE: Let's go over to Moshe and Ilana.
- Well, Ilana definitely got us in the right zone.
You zeroed us in on what area of person, right?
- Which is white male.
MOSHE: Right. - Yes.
- We were just talking about how golden retrievers are the Aryan race of dogs.
MOSHE: Yeah. DAVE: Yeah.
- So we went with Gerard Butler/Jeremy Renner
because we don't know the difference between those two actors.
- These are some pretty strong guesses here, Matt.
- They're not bad, but they're also not right, Dave.
- Matt, who is this?
Matthew McConaughey.
MATT: Ah. - [laughs]
- I said Matthew McConaughey, and she told me don't do it!
MATT: Wait! - See--
- Because I don't think Matthew McConaughey's aggro.
- You don't feel that Matthew McConaughey is aggro?
- No, he's like an extreme lover spirit. MATT: I see.
- He's not aggro like he wants to dominate you,
but you guys are right.
I want to apologize.
- Unfortunately, on behalf of Matthew McConaughey,
we were all wrong, all wrong, all wrong.
[laughter]
VONZELL: ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- Our straights will now conduct an archeological dig
to unearth queer artifacts buried by the sands of time,
all while dressed in Laura Dern's salmon button-down from "Jurassic Park."
[laughter]
- They must then select the single item
they think is the most valuable for appraisal.
- Now, it is time for our straights to uncover...
- ♪ What Lies Beneath ♪
BOTH: Boys?
Dig.
MATT: Ooh, Avril Lavigne's tie.
DAVE: I think it's from "The L Word."
MATT: [gasps] Lesbian culture. DAVE: Very valuable.
MATT: From Stonewall.
DAVE: We probably shouldn't have this. MATT: No, it should be in a museum.
DAVE: You know, she used this to vote for Trump.
MATT: Because she sucks. DAVE: Because she sucks.
MATT: Oh, have you read this? DAVE: No.
[bell dings] - ♪ Get your hands out that dirt! ♪
- Bowen, what is this artifact that you've selected?
- These are two pieces of beef jerky that are actually remnants
of Lady Gaga's meat dress at the 2010 VMAs.
- Jon Gabrus, what is the cultural significance of Lady Gaga's meat dress?
- Well, here's the thing, it's beautiful, it's stunning,
it's a statement piece, and low-carb.
- Oh! DAVE: There we go.
- Low-carb, a huge thing for the gay community.
I'm gonna give you about 15 points.
- Okay. - Thank you.
DAVE: Moshe and Ilana, what is the item
that you have selected as your most valuable?
- So this is the world's first vodka soda.
[laughter]
- Yeah, this was originally consumed by King Tut...
- Yeah. - Who is the world's first twink.
MATT: First twink, yes.
- This was the second drink that Jesus Christ at the Last Supper--
he not only made wine for the masses,
but he made one vodka soda for--
Mary Magdalene was not a woman,
it was Mary, you know what I mean, it was...
- Oh, yeah. - Yes!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yes.
Yes, this is Matthew.
This is one of my favorite verses.
[bell dings] Three thousand points.
- Wow, 3,000! - Yeah, 3,000 points.
- So many points. MATT: Thousands of points.
VONZELL: ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
- Our straights will now reenter the space with the gravitas of a queer icon
in our grande finale.
Boys, it is now time for you...
BOTH: To Make! An! Entrance!
[upbeat jazzy music]
- Madame, oh!
DAVE: Marilyn! Marilyn!
MATT: Opulent!
[cheers and applause]
Absolutely slay, Gaga!
MATT: Ah.
MATT: An angel appears!
DAVE: Oh!
MATT: Oh, my God, Elsa, eat your absolute...
BOTH: Heart out!
[record scratches] DAVE: Oh, shit, drop the beat!
BOTH: Bust it open, Elsa!
[cheers and applause]
- In an unexpected twist,
your lifelines will now become your judges.
- Jon was really combining many classic queer narratives in his presentation.
Rodeo Drive, "Pretty Woman." "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes."
I think the true grace note in that was him getting on the floor
and doing one single hump and getting right back up again.
MATT: Yeah. - It's all I need.
- I would agree. - Agreed.
Ilana, are you glowing over Moshe's presentation?
- I mean, I felt at first like I was getting, like, demure snow bunny.
DAVE: Yes, it appeared that way at first. - And then, okay, the pop of glitter--
I was like, this is, it was seasonal.
You know what I mean, it was atmospheric.
- What was it that made you want to incorporate twerking
into what was sort of an Elsa homage?
- Well, the... the runway, that was the forest.
MATT: Yeah.
- But over here? MATT: Mm-hmm?
- That was the streets.
MATT: Right, ah. DAVE: Yes.
- ♪ The Crowning! ♪
- And now the winner of "Gayme Show!"
named honorarily gay as fuck, the queen of the straights, is...
BOTH: Moshe Kasher!
VONZELL: ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ - Elsa!
- ♪ Queen of the straights! ♪
- See you next time, and... BOTH: Rita Ora!