The Witchfinder General will need a new right-hand man!
Borrow a couple of horses, off we go,
we should be in Chelmsford marginally after dark.
Argh! Rely on oneself, pull up the drawbridge.
What was their name?
Something like Dorothy. So, Dorothy, yeah?
If you want to, you could help me find my master.
We'd be happy to.
Some people warned me not to come through here.
I have children! Please! They're maniacs. All of them.
I'm no good to you dead, am I?
You stay here, you'll be cinders in an hour.
Going somewhere, Mr Bannister? Do you know this woman?
This is... His wife. Ha...
Oh, congratulations!
Thank you, pal. Thank you.
Well, let's see it, then!
See? See what? The ring!
Oh, you mean the wedding ring?
Yes, just trying to think what we did with it. Um...
We don't actually have... Oh, here we go. There it is, look.
Yeah, it's a family heirloom.
His grandmother gave it to us after she died.
Well, not after she died. She couldn't! She was dead.
But she did say that she was going to give it to us,
then she died. Sadly.
Then we got it off her just with a bit of soap.
And some hot water, yeah.
It's beautiful. Sure is, yeah.
It looks a bit like yours, Catherine.
It does, but mine's a bit more...
Oh!
Oh, I must have left it in the...
You really should wear your wedding ring, Catherine.
Marriage is a sacrament. Yes, sorry.
We've got to get off. We had, we had.
In the middle of the feast?! Chelmsford awaits!
I thought you wanted to borrow a horse and cart?
Nah, you're all right, we'll walk. Come on.
Come on. Chelmsford?
You need to go right through Dedham Vale, not back that way.
But don't worry, there may be many villagers in the Vale,
but they're all God-fearing people like us.
You can be sure of a warm welcome.
Thank you. Thank you.
Just...go through...
All right?
There's no need to be rude!
I'm just asking you which way he went.
Yeah, and I'm telling you... It's none of our beeswax.
Exactly. One beekeeper doesn't sell out another.
Master Gideon's not a beekeeper!
He can't stand the little...
Alice, could you fetch my coin purse from the cart?
I might purchase some honey.
BEES BUZZ
These yellow and black ones, what are they called?
Bees.
You must be fond of them. I am fond of them, yeah.
And they of you? I like to think so, yeah.
They wouldn't hurt you at all?
No. The bee's a very placid animal.
Much like Cumberlidge. Unless provoked.
Also like Cumberlidge. Which hand do you write with?
Which hand...? Do you write with?
I'm sorry? Don't be. Just answer the question.
Would you like me to repeat the question?
I can repeat the question. Which hand do you write with?
Which hand do you favour? What's your dexterous hand?
Are you right or left-handed?
Well, I'm right-handed, but...
Oh, no! Please, no, no! No, please!
HE SCREAMS, BEES BUZZ
Walk and smile, smile and walk.
We're just two normal newlyweds walking along normally.
Well, start acting like it, then.
Just because you like the idea of our being married...
SHE SCOFFS
I don't like it.
Oh, I think we all know the kind of warped fantasies women
like you forge in the fleshy kiln of their loins.
Oh, God, there's one.
Maybe it's easier if we just say that I am a travelling merchant
and you're my bag carrier.
I'm not your bag carrier. I'll say you're my bag carrier.
Well, I'll say you're MY bag carrier.
Why would I be your bag carrier?
Why would I be YOUR bag carrier?
And what merchant? What are you selling?
I trade mainly in spices. Where are they?
Well, they're not on me. I have an emporium.
What are they? The spices? Salt.
Salt's not a spice. What is it, then, a drink?
Spices grow, salt does not grow. All right, privet, you grow privet.
Privet is not a spice. That's a hedge.
A hedge can be a spice. No, it can't.
Hedges can be spices. A hedge... Do you want to survive? Yes, I do.
Then we need to get our story together - and fast.
Now, what are we? Are we married, or are we merchants?
I don't see why we have to come up with a story.
They're not going to think
I'm a witch just cos I'm with a man and I'm not married.
These people are demented.
There are eight miles and God knows how many villages
until we're out of Dedham Vale.
We need to paint a picture for them, or they will paint their own.
And if they start to wonder, we don't know where...
Hello there! ..that will end.
Hello. Hello. Oh, God, they're coming.
We need to know enough about each other to suggest
that we are a couple rather than two strangers who've only just met.
Are you listening? I wasn't, but I am now.
My name is Gideon Bannister.
I was born in Framlingham to George and Mary.
I have no siblings, never wanted any. I was schooled at Milesford
then at Corpus Christi College, Cambridge. That's a lot of Cs.
I enjoy birdsong, scripture and good tailoring.
I am kind. We wed at St Stephen's Chapel, Wickham Market.
We hope to have two children, both of them boys. Now you.
My name is Thomasine Gooch.
Bannister, Bannister... Thomasine Bannister.
My mum and dad are William and Eliza - not that way round -
I have a brother, but he died, and a fiance that ran off.
I used to have a dog, but he fell in a hole, so we just heard him
barking for days and we'd throw food down, but when we went back
one day, we couldn't hear any barking, so we think he either
died or he climbed out.
I think that he climbed out, but my mum said the dogs don't climb
because they have their knees on backwards like cows.
Why are you telling me this? Who needs to know this?
Hello! Good day to you.
I'm sorry to shout you over, but I just had to say hello
to the newlyweds.
Oh-ho-ho, word travels fast!
All part of the Dedham Vale welcome. And on that note...
So, how was it, the big day? It was lovely. Lovely. Erm...
His parents, George and Mary... George and Mary.
And her mother, Eliza, was looking...
..down from heaven. ..quite radiant.
She's in heaven?
And so how was she looking radiant?
She was... I'll tell you what it was...
I'm thinking of the organist, who was looking radiant
and was maybe a woman in her mid-60s... Mm-hm. Uh-huh.
..and she was there.
Her mother, meanwhile, was, yeah, not there
for the perfectly reasonable excuse of her...death.
So you didn't know that your wife's mother was dead?
Give us a chance! We only just got married. Yesterday!
Then, it's time for celebration!
No, no. No, it's not.
For luck, ivy, that they may grow intertwined as it does.
Well, that's lovely. Now...
And the spilt seed of a ram...
Pardon me, the spilt seed...?
Semen. Semen. ..that they may grow fertile.
Very kind of you.
And of the ram. And of the ram.
Oh, believe me, he likes it.
You have a way with people, don't you, Mr Hebble.
I can't thank you enough for your help.
You've made an old woman feel very special.
When you see her, tell her she's welcome.
I'm the old woman!
SHE LAUGHS
Oh, I see what you did there. You are most kind.
I've often prayed for a sign or for a helping hand from the Lord
and that's why he sent you, an angel from above.
Because he does do that, does the Lord.
Look at how he sent a great flood so Noah could show off his new boat.
Look at how when Moses was stranded by the Red Sea,
the Lord made a pass so he could walk right through it.
And if a path isn't a sign, I don't know what is.
Nor do I, Alice.
Nor do I.
Nooses. You make these yourself, do you?
She's making it in front of you.
Always good to have a hobby.
HUSHED: We need to get out of here. Why don't you just...?
Look at your two, couple of lovebirds!
Aha. Well, a couple of lovebirds who must fly, I'm afraid.
Not often you see a married couple show so much affection.
How do you mean? Well, there's barely a cross word between you.
It's almost hard to believe. Hard to believe? Why?
Not like many married couples I know.
Oh, believe me, we sometimes make our feelings clear, don't we?
So, for example, I will say,
"Why do you always speak with your mouth full?"
And I might say, "Why do you have to look down on people?
"Why can't you just be kind?"
I might say, "Kindness has to be earned. You can be quite ill mannered."
I might say, "You might have manners, but it's what's behind the manners."
I might say, "Oh, eh, I must hear this.
"What's behind my manners?"
"You're mean, you're inconsiderate, you're dishonest, you're vain."
And I say, "Have you quite finished?" "You don't listen.
"You tut, you snore, you roll your eyes..."
I'll say, "Now have you finished?" "You've no honour,
"even though it seems to be the only thing that you care about.
"You're short-tempered, you're a hypocrite and you're not nice."
Now have you finished?
Yeah, I've finished now. Yeah.
What do you think, Alice? Could this be your master's?
Well, Master Gideon says it doesn't do for Puritans
to indulge in the pleasures of the ear.
But we all like music, don't we?
I...might sing occasionally.
You sing beautifully, like a tropical songbird, a parrot, say,
and Cumberlidge knows I love a song as well.
Do you? A jaunty jig song, a moving ballad - I love a song.
So if there's no harm in your master enjoying music,
could this be his whistle?
WHISPERS: I think it is.
Then he came through here. We'll catch him in no time.
Catch? Catch, catch up.
Ah.
Is it as blessed as they say?
The wedding? The night of the wedding.
Oh, the night of the wedding, we travelled here.
Then how did you consummate?
We haven't had a chance to do that yet, but it's on our list.
Sorry, I thought...people said you were married.
We are married. We just haven't had a...
The sacrament isn't complete. You are his wife?
Mr Bannister?
Yes, he came through, ooh, what? A few hours ago now?
Excellent. I am pleased.
Him and his wife. His wife?! He's not got a wife!
Oh, yes. He has now.
Just married, apparently.
Master Gideon? It was his wife, wasn't it?
Oh, yes, yes. They had a ring and everything.
Happy day!
Would you mind pointing us in the direction they headed?
We'd love to coat them with our best wishes.
Certainly. This way.
CUCKING STOOL CREAKS
I think you left a witch on that.
I don't think it's true, them being wed.
Well, true, not true, whichever...
I mean, it's probably just a ruse,
you know, to stop these lot from snatching her.
It's no concern of mine if he was married, he's just my employer.
Yeah, I know, it's just...
..some help have a special bond with their master.
I don't have a special bond with my master.
YOU might have a special bond with...
I don't have a special bond with my master, no.
I mean, you see some help, they're
all over their masters like spilt soup. Like nappy rash.
Pathetic, desperate.
I mean, I don't even know my master's birthday. I don't.
I don't. June-uary?!
SHE LAUGHS
Yeah. Or how he likes his bath.
When my master had ticks, I laughed. I would.
I'd laugh. I mean, I'm laughing right now.
I removed them all, but I was laughing.
Why did you tell them that?
WHISPERS: Well, I didn't know they had the room ready, did I?
HUSHED: This is unbelievable.
I was supposed to be in Chelmsford a day ago.
Calm down!
Dining with Matthew Hopkins himself!
I'd have said something like, "I don't know about finding witches.
"You've certainly found yourself a good chef here."
And he would've laughed and said, "Yeah, good one."
You're making such a fuss about nothing.
They think we are having congress in here.
We're bloody stuck, madam, in these four thin walls
with half the village listening in.
Why don't you just say, "We've changed our mind, actually"?
Do you want to take that chance?
There are trees out there with bodies dangling from them.
We ought to begin.
HE MAKES SMOOCHING NOISES
HE SUCKS LOUDLY
What's that?!
Kissing.
HE MOANS LOUDLY
Have you ever been with a woman?
Have I ever been with a woman? she asks.
HE MOANS LOUDLY
Have you ever been...? I am a Puritan and I am unmarried.
No, I haven't ever been with a bloody woman.
HE MOANS LOUDLY
And you need to be making appreciative noises
in between the grunts.
HE GRUNTS, SHE SQUEALS
What is that? You sound like a violin!
You sound like someone trying to shit a violin!
SHE LAUGHS
BOTH MOAN LOUDLY
FAINT CLIMAX
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ha, maybe we should do that in every village.
Take a room and grunt at each other?
Express our fondness publicly.
Then I thought you could tickle me. Yes.
And then you can nuzzle into me and I'll make a cute noise.
Cute noise? Nyang-nyang-nyang...
We're flying here. I feel like Icarus.
Anyone would think you're enjoying yourself.
I am very, very fond of this lady.
Follow the river, get past these trees,
get through the last few villages and we're out of Dedham Vale.
The important thing is not to get cocky.
So we tend to do the hanging in the morning
and then in the afternoon we have a market,
you know, make a day of it for the family.
Ooh, sounds lovely.
So you two married, then?
Married? No.
Thomasina is a witch, and we're hoping no-one notices.
HE LAUGHS
I say that to my missus all the time.
Just that I wouldn't have put you two together, that's all. Hmm.
I wouldn't have put you together with that hat,
but, you know, you have.
So when did you get together? Feels like only yesterday.
We've had our trials and tribulations,
let's put it that way. Mainly trials, though, to be honest.
But when a whole town wants you to stand beside a woman
and tie the knot, what can you do?
Almost took my breath away.
Well, knots will do that, but I didn't leave her hanging.
And so here we are. Sorry? Oh, don't be, John. Don't be.
Oh, I love you, Gideon Bannister.
Do you know what, Thomasine Bannister? Mmm?
When I'm not with you, I think of your face
and it makes my heart swell.
Gideon?
Dorothy! What are you doing here?
Me? I'm... I'm heading to Chelmsford.
Why are you here? What the hell are you even doing here?
I live here, with my husband, Rex.
That's so, so great.
Are you going to introduce us?
Yes. Yes, I am.
Thomasine, this is Dorothy, my former betrothed.
Dorothy, this is Thomasine, my... Wife. ..wife.
Oh, you found someone!
Chose someone. Yeah. Oh, you must stay for lunch.
I'll have the carriage come round. SHE SHOUTS
Lovely! Actually, no, we can't do that. Nonsense.
Driver! We wouldn't want to impose. You wouldn't be imposing.
We would. So we won't.
But I want to find out a little bit more about Thomasine.
Where are you from? Who is your father?
I've said we can't go.
Miriam is preparing a saddle of lamb!
Ooh! It's not going to happen, Dorothy.
Perhaps another time, then. Maybe. Mmm. Mm-hmm.
Thomasine. Dorothy.
My goodness.
Your apples are as rosy red as your cheeks.
I always think rosy cheeks are a sign of a keen mind.
Or mead for breakfast!
A mind keen enough to remember if you'd seen someone.
Now I'm looking for...
Alice?
SINGING
# If your true love came passing by
# You'd fill him with drink if he was dry
# At the well below the valley-o
# Green grows the lily-o
# Right among the bushes-o
# That's the end of my song... #
I don't know what that was.
I like songs.
And, you know, you said before you like songs, so I thought,
the master likes songs, I like songs, so...
That was a lie to win Old Myers' confidence.
Yeah, I know. Mine was a lie, too.
So you don't like music? Hate music.
Right. So that performance...
Another lie.
A longer lie.
Huh.
Master Gideon!
What are you doing here?
Helping you. Stay there, Gooch.
You're not helping me. You were helping by staying put.
Yes, but they've all got it in their heads
that it's you that killed Mr Stern.
So I thought, I have to come and warn you
in case word reached the Witchfinder General
before you'd had a chance to explain.
And that was all your idea, was it? Well, I was talking to Mr Hebble...
Hebble? Oh, my God. You and Hebble.
Hebble and Myers!
Sounds like a firm of not very good undertakers.
Well, you didn't take long, did you?
What did he offer you?
Higher wage? Plush new saddle?
Those thimbles you keep going on about? I am not working for him.
He has come with me because... Hebble is with you?
Yes! He wants to help you. He doesn't want to help me.
He wants to take my witch.
He wants to take my job with the Witchfinder General!
Bugger me. Bugger, bugger, bugger.
Gooch! Come on, Gooch!
Hebble's here.
What's happening?
Goodness, Gideon!
Hebble knows what you're going through.
When he was young, his father was killed as a poacher!
He understands! No, no, no, no, no. Hebble's father
is an actuary in Kidderminster.
I doubt he knows how to poach an egg. What's happening?
His father is dead. His father isn't dead.
I've met his bloody father. You've met his father! What's going on?
You met him at the Carols, Myers! Wake up! What's happening?
He's spun you a yarn to earn your trust.
I think I've made a mistake. A mistake? What's going on?
No, a mistake is when you miss an L out of the word clock
when you're writing to your mother. What's happening?
A mistake is when you try to milk a bull. This isn't a mistake, Myers.
This is a foul-up. What's going on?
Does he know where I'm going?
I think I might have... You're unbelievable.
What's happening? I'll tell you what's going on,
and I'll tell you what's happening. Right?
Myers here is going to take Hebble somewhere else.
You and I are going to hide. Now. Now, now, Myers! Now. Come on.
What are you doing? Hiding now. No...
What are you...? Stand up.
We need to find a large barrel, or a haystack.
I'm not getting in a barrel. Then a haystack it is.
I'm not getting in a haystack.
Your ex offered for us to go to her house.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Believe me, we're not doing that. That's ruled out.
Did you say SADDLE of lamb?
I've always wanted a house with a corridor.
Love corridors.
Now, what I was saying about getting married to Thomasine. Yes?
Well, have you got to know the locals at all?
Well, not as much as we'd like.
They are a very god-fearing people, in quite a mad way.
I've heard they execute suspected witches without going to trial.
Well, one can't be too careful when it comes to witches, can one?
So you knew about that, did you? Oh, absolutely.
It's one of the reasons we moved here.
Oh, I'm sorry. What were you saying about Thomasine?
Oh, nothing, I don't think.
This is my husband, Rex.
As in...
..Oedipus Rex?
I'm a friend of your mother's.
Your wife's. Hello. You must be Gideon.
And I must be going.
Going? Going where? Word is there's a witch in the Vale,
along with a corrupted witchfinder.
Get lost! Mmm. I'm off to find some men to help hunt them down.
Care to join, Gideon? Does it have to be you?
We've got guests, for goodness' sake. Good point.
Oh, do stay, Rex. I shall find something for Thomasine to wear,
and you can entertain Gideon. Entertain? What?
You know how many windows we have here?
Oh, er, forty...
112.
112 windows.
Well, 1-1-2.
You like swords?
A classic cut-and-thrust two-edged sword by Kenneth's of Hounslow.
Observe the half-basket hilt.
And the blade...
..32 inches. 32.
32 inches. Two edges. 112 windows.
Some numbers.
A pair of French rapiers.
Lighter, for the weak-wristed swordsman. Hmm? Hmm.
Do you know why the foil came to prominence? No, sir.
Goes through chainmail.
Oh. And like that, rendered chainmail obsolete.
I was wondering why chainmail have been rendered obsolete.
Well, there you are.
Ah! Now, this bespoke mortuary sword was given to me
by Oliver Cromwell himself.
You met Oliver Cromwell? Yes. At Naseby?
No, Dorothy and I met him socially.
What did he say? Was he nice?
Do you mind if I don't tell you, actually?
I just feel it would be indiscreet to divulge what was said
in a private conversation. Totally. Absolutely fine.
I just feel discretion is important.
No, I was just... That's just something I feel. Mmm.
I'm not asking you to say exactly what he said,
just looking for a general impression. Hmm.
Or does that fall under the same proto...? Yes, I think it does.
Dick.
Oh! Smell that food.
Now, remember, how you behave reflects upon me.
I think I'll be all right.
A guy in my village used to host big feasts when he found dead livestock,
so I have used forks.
"I have used forks."
No-one matching that description?
Alice! There you are.
Oh, I just needed the privy, love. No matter.
Don't know why I keep needing to go. It's fine.
I think it might be the cart thumping against it.
You know, like when you squeeze a pig's bladder full...
It's fine.
So what did he say? Who?
Master Gideon! Seemed in quite a hurry.
Was that not him I saw riding away?
Cumberlidge! The cart.
Do you want one? No, thank you.
Let us begin.
Dear Lord, we give thanks for the food we are about...
CRUNCHING
Oh, sorry.
So sorry.
Dear Lord, we give thanks for the food we are about to enjoy.
Amen. Amen. Just to explain the grace mix-up...
No! No, I'd like to. I'd like to. No, really. I'd like to.
We said grace immediately before we encountered you,
and I think Thomasine thought that carried over, not unreasonably.
I think most people agree that Grace applies for around about...
Thank you. ..45 minutes, there or thereabouts,
before you have to re-utter.
So I think she was eating within that window. My God!
Do my eyes deceive me? Father!
Gideon Bannister!
We've not had the pleasure since...
Oh, yes, when we decided that you and Dorothy should...
Yes. Yeah. Sorry about that.
No idea you'd...
Well, it didn't feel good.
Well, anyway... Genuinely never seen a grown man cry like that.
Sobering, sobering.
But how are things?
I rather imagined that you'd end up at home
helping your father with his...
Was it butterflies? Bees. Bees. That's it.
Is that where you ended up?
Yeah.
Oh, good for you.
Follow your passion.
Too many men these days, they just want a bit of stature or renown.
You know that Rex fought at Naseby?
Yes, he mentioned that, and I enjoyed listening to that.
Not too late to join up. Join up?
Do you remember when he ran away from that squirrel?
LAUGHTER
I was going in that direction anyway, but yes.
Oh, forgive me. Father, Thomasine.
Thomasine and Gideon have just got married.
Very pleased. Oh! And it's Thomasine...?
BURPS
Sorry. Gooch.
Trying to think if I know the Gooch family.
Do you have family, Thomasine?
Well, never mind about her family. Let's talk about your family.
How are your family?
Well, Uncle Francis is Uncle Francis. Of course, yes.
Still burying his money lest the Crown should steal it.
He's a bit of an eccentric.
Well, I'm all for eccentrics.
I have an uncle, Jeremy, who won't have clocks in the house.
Oh! I've got an uncle that fell in love with a scarecrow.
LAUGHTER
The only thing is,
he couldn't accept that the scarecrow didn't love him back. Oh!
And he spent all day with it, stroking it, talking to it.
We just thought it was Brian being Brian,
until he started getting intimate with it.
And we said, "Brian, you can't be doing this,
"not in an open field with kids watching."
And he'd be crying, going, "Oh, but the heart wants the heart wants."
And we said, "Well, Brian, does that still apply
"when it's, you know, furniture?"
And he just got worse and worse
and he ended up hanging himself.
Very lonely man.
Might give the chutney a go.
And where's your family estate?
Banham, but I wouldn't call it an estate. Oh, I would.
I absolutely would. It's an estate. It has grounds.
Well, it's got a bit of grass out the back for the dog to go.
Got to say, this beetroot tops the lot.
It's fine. It's fine.
Never let it be said we do not enjoy a joke at table.
I enjoy...
Do you know calembour?
It's a kind of French pun,
and yes, I have several up my sleeve.
Oh! I will often have the table roaring, won't I?
Oh, roaring.
I've got a joke! Well, the calem...
A man walks into an alehouse...
Yes. ..so drunk that he's sick all over himself.
He goes, "Oh, me wife's going to be so cross with me!
"I've gone out and got drunk again." And the landlord turns to him
and says, "Here, take that shilling, yeah, put it in your top pocket,
"say another bloke was sick on your shirt
"and he gave you a shilling to get a new shirt."
"Oh, yeah, I'll do that. I'll do that."
So he goes home and his wife sees him and she is...
She's livid.
She goes, "Look at the state of you! You went out and got drunk again."
He went, "No, no, no, it wasn't me. It wasn't me.
"It was another bloke.
"And what happened is he gave me a shilling for a new shirt."
She goes, "Why's there two shillings, then? And he says,
"Because he shat in my pants as well."
LAUGHS
Forgive me.
How could one man defecate
in trousers still being worn by another man?
I suspect the absurdity is rather the point, yes?
Oh, I see.
And was this a friend of yours?
I hope you don't mind my asking, but, er...
..is she a, er...
..peasant? A peasant? Oh, God, no. Yeah, I am.
Oh, well, how splendid.
Do you know, I don't think we've ever had one at table before.
What didn't you say, Gideon? We could have provided a spoon.
She has used forks. No!
Good for you, Gideon, because it can work.
You know, Lord Bodman married a milkmaid, and he had three children.
Mmm, good breeders, the poor.
Do you people tend to live long or...?
Does she know numbers?
Ask her yourself. Do you know numbers?
Well, yeah. I mean, I do know stuff. I just can't read,
but I want to learn. Sorry?
I want to learn how to read.
Yes!
You had me taken in for a second there!
Me too! Oh, I didn't want to say!
That's bloody convincing, actually.
It's the absurdity again, isn't it, Rex?
You can imagine them, you know, in the field,
there they are, trying to read a potato.
Very good!
I think we have to go now.
Dorothy, Mr Harvey, it's been a pleasure.
Hear, hear. And seriously, congratulations on the peasant.
Little gift to say thank you.
Some honey.
This is honey?
White honey, yeah. White honey?
Never heard of it. Where did you get it from?
Oh, we got it from...
Ramscock. Ramscock.
It's a local delicacy, only for the discerning palate.
Well, we shall be on our way.
Mmm!
Interesting.
Well, it's interesting, isn't it?
I've had that before.