1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,120 The Witchfinder General will need a new right-hand man! 2 00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:05,720 Borrow a couple of horses, off we go, 3 00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:07,880 we should be in Chelmsford marginally after dark. 4 00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:10,240 Argh! Rely on oneself, pull up the drawbridge. 5 00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:11,360 What was their name? 6 00:00:11,360 --> 00:00:13,560 Something like Dorothy. So, Dorothy, yeah? 7 00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:15,760 If you want to, you could help me find my master. 8 00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:16,880 We'd be happy to. 9 00:00:16,880 --> 00:00:18,920 Some people warned me not to come through here. 10 00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:21,640 I have children! Please! They're maniacs. All of them. 11 00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:22,880 I'm no good to you dead, am I? 12 00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:25,240 You stay here, you'll be cinders in an hour. 13 00:00:25,240 --> 00:00:27,520 Going somewhere, Mr Bannister? Do you know this woman? 14 00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:29,000 This is... His wife. Ha... 15 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:40,960 Oh, congratulations! 16 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:42,480 Thank you, pal. Thank you. 17 00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:44,440 Well, let's see it, then! 18 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:46,480 See? See what? The ring! 19 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,160 Oh, you mean the wedding ring? 20 00:00:48,160 --> 00:00:50,680 Yes, just trying to think what we did with it. Um... 21 00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:53,000 We don't actually have... Oh, here we go. There it is, look. 22 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:54,440 Yeah, it's a family heirloom. 23 00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:56,480 His grandmother gave it to us after she died. 24 00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:59,480 Well, not after she died. She couldn't! She was dead. 25 00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:01,560 But she did say that she was going to give it to us, 26 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:03,280 then she died. Sadly. 27 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:05,240 Then we got it off her just with a bit of soap. 28 00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:06,480 And some hot water, yeah. 29 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:09,080 It's beautiful. Sure is, yeah. 30 00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:11,280 It looks a bit like yours, Catherine. 31 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,280 It does, but mine's a bit more... 32 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:14,720 Oh! 33 00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:17,720 Oh, I must have left it in the... 34 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:20,120 You really should wear your wedding ring, Catherine. 35 00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:22,600 Marriage is a sacrament. Yes, sorry. 36 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:24,800 We've got to get off. We had, we had. 37 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:26,960 In the middle of the feast?! Chelmsford awaits! 38 00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:29,080 I thought you wanted to borrow a horse and cart? 39 00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:31,880 Nah, you're all right, we'll walk. Come on. 40 00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:33,720 Come on. Chelmsford? 41 00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:38,840 You need to go right through Dedham Vale, not back that way. 42 00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:42,600 But don't worry, there may be many villagers in the Vale, 43 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:45,560 but they're all God-fearing people like us. 44 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:47,880 You can be sure of a warm welcome. 45 00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:52,240 Thank you. Thank you. 46 00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:54,360 Just...go through... 47 00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:57,560 All right? 48 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:02,520 There's no need to be rude! 49 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:04,520 I'm just asking you which way he went. 50 00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:07,360 Yeah, and I'm telling you... It's none of our beeswax. 51 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:10,400 Exactly. One beekeeper doesn't sell out another. 52 00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:13,200 Master Gideon's not a beekeeper! 53 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:14,640 He can't stand the little... 54 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:17,400 Alice, could you fetch my coin purse from the cart? 55 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:19,440 I might purchase some honey. 56 00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:21,400 BEES BUZZ 57 00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:26,320 These yellow and black ones, what are they called? 58 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:28,400 Bees. 59 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:30,720 You must be fond of them. I am fond of them, yeah. 60 00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:32,720 And they of you? I like to think so, yeah. 61 00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:34,280 They wouldn't hurt you at all? 62 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:36,080 No. The bee's a very placid animal. 63 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:38,080 Much like Cumberlidge. Unless provoked. 64 00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:40,280 Also like Cumberlidge. Which hand do you write with? 65 00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:42,400 Which hand...? Do you write with? 66 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,440 I'm sorry? Don't be. Just answer the question. 67 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:46,160 Would you like me to repeat the question? 68 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:48,280 I can repeat the question. Which hand do you write with? 69 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:50,720 Which hand do you favour? What's your dexterous hand? 70 00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:52,000 Are you right or left-handed? 71 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:54,360 Well, I'm right-handed, but... 72 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:56,640 Oh, no! Please, no, no! No, please! 73 00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,920 HE SCREAMS, BEES BUZZ 74 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,400 Walk and smile, smile and walk. 75 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:07,000 We're just two normal newlyweds walking along normally. 76 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:08,600 Well, start acting like it, then. 77 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:11,000 Just because you like the idea of our being married... 78 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:12,600 SHE SCOFFS 79 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:12,600 I don't like it. 80 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:15,280 Oh, I think we all know the kind of warped fantasies women 81 00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:18,120 like you forge in the fleshy kiln of their loins. 82 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:19,400 Oh, God, there's one. 83 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,600 Maybe it's easier if we just say that I am a travelling merchant 84 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:23,920 and you're my bag carrier. 85 00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:26,280 I'm not your bag carrier. I'll say you're my bag carrier. 86 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:27,880 Well, I'll say you're MY bag carrier. 87 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:29,280 Why would I be your bag carrier? 88 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:30,720 Why would I be YOUR bag carrier? 89 00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:32,560 And what merchant? What are you selling? 90 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,320 I trade mainly in spices. Where are they? 91 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,160 Well, they're not on me. I have an emporium. 92 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:38,320 What are they? The spices? Salt. 93 00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:40,240 Salt's not a spice. What is it, then, a drink? 94 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:42,960 Spices grow, salt does not grow. All right, privet, you grow privet. 95 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:44,600 Privet is not a spice. That's a hedge. 96 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:46,280 A hedge can be a spice. No, it can't. 97 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:49,400 Hedges can be spices. A hedge... Do you want to survive? Yes, I do. 98 00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:52,160 Then we need to get our story together - and fast. 99 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:55,320 Now, what are we? Are we married, or are we merchants? 100 00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:57,240 I don't see why we have to come up with a story. 101 00:03:57,240 --> 00:03:58,400 They're not going to think 102 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,640 I'm a witch just cos I'm with a man and I'm not married. 103 00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:02,520 These people are demented. 104 00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:04,880 There are eight miles and God knows how many villages 105 00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:06,200 until we're out of Dedham Vale. 106 00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:08,880 We need to paint a picture for them, or they will paint their own. 107 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:11,000 And if they start to wonder, we don't know where... 108 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:12,440 Hello there! ..that will end. 109 00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:14,240 Hello. Hello. Oh, God, they're coming. 110 00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:16,480 We need to know enough about each other to suggest 111 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:19,760 that we are a couple rather than two strangers who've only just met. 112 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:22,080 Are you listening? I wasn't, but I am now. 113 00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:23,520 My name is Gideon Bannister. 114 00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:25,360 I was born in Framlingham to George and Mary. 115 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:27,720 I have no siblings, never wanted any. I was schooled at Milesford 116 00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:30,040 then at Corpus Christi College, Cambridge. That's a lot of Cs. 117 00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:32,080 I enjoy birdsong, scripture and good tailoring. 118 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:34,440 I am kind. We wed at St Stephen's Chapel, Wickham Market. 119 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,800 We hope to have two children, both of them boys. Now you. 120 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:38,000 My name is Thomasine Gooch. 121 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:39,800 Bannister, Bannister... Thomasine Bannister. 122 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:41,880 My mum and dad are William and Eliza - not that way round - 123 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:44,160 I have a brother, but he died, and a fiance that ran off. 124 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:46,520 I used to have a dog, but he fell in a hole, so we just heard him 125 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:49,080 barking for days and we'd throw food down, but when we went back 126 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,560 one day, we couldn't hear any barking, so we think he either 127 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:52,720 died or he climbed out. 128 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:55,320 I think that he climbed out, but my mum said the dogs don't climb 129 00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:57,600 because they have their knees on backwards like cows. 130 00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,520 Why are you telling me this? Who needs to know this? 131 00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:00,680 Hello! Good day to you. 132 00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:03,720 I'm sorry to shout you over, but I just had to say hello 133 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:05,320 to the newlyweds. 134 00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:07,160 Oh-ho-ho, word travels fast! 135 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:09,960 All part of the Dedham Vale welcome. And on that note... 136 00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:13,440 So, how was it, the big day? It was lovely. Lovely. Erm... 137 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,600 His parents, George and Mary... George and Mary. 138 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,360 And her mother, Eliza, was looking... 139 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:18,960 ..down from heaven. ..quite radiant. 140 00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,360 She's in heaven? 141 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,680 And so how was she looking radiant? 142 00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:26,320 She was... I'll tell you what it was... 143 00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:31,320 I'm thinking of the organist, who was looking radiant 144 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:33,560 and was maybe a woman in her mid-60s... Mm-hm. Uh-huh. 145 00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:35,000 ..and she was there. 146 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,880 Her mother, meanwhile, was, yeah, not there 147 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:43,120 for the perfectly reasonable excuse of her...death. 148 00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:46,520 So you didn't know that your wife's mother was dead? 149 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:49,200 Give us a chance! We only just got married. Yesterday! 150 00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:51,080 Then, it's time for celebration! 151 00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:52,880 No, no. No, it's not. 152 00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:59,840 For luck, ivy, that they may grow intertwined as it does. 153 00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:01,080 Well, that's lovely. Now... 154 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,120 And the spilt seed of a ram... 155 00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:04,960 Pardon me, the spilt seed...? 156 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:08,920 Semen. Semen. ..that they may grow fertile. 157 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:10,320 Very kind of you. 158 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:12,120 And of the ram. And of the ram. 159 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:13,640 Oh, believe me, he likes it. 160 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:20,200 You have a way with people, don't you, Mr Hebble. 161 00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:21,960 I can't thank you enough for your help. 162 00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:24,160 You've made an old woman feel very special. 163 00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:26,360 When you see her, tell her she's welcome. 164 00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:27,680 I'm the old woman! 165 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:29,240 SHE LAUGHS 166 00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:31,600 Oh, I see what you did there. You are most kind. 167 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:34,920 I've often prayed for a sign or for a helping hand from the Lord 168 00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:38,920 and that's why he sent you, an angel from above. 169 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:41,120 Because he does do that, does the Lord. 170 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:44,960 Look at how he sent a great flood so Noah could show off his new boat. 171 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:48,080 Look at how when Moses was stranded by the Red Sea, 172 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:51,720 the Lord made a pass so he could walk right through it. 173 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:54,480 And if a path isn't a sign, I don't know what is. 174 00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:57,520 Nor do I, Alice. 175 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:00,000 Nor do I. 176 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:06,120 Nooses. You make these yourself, do you? 177 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:07,840 She's making it in front of you. 178 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:11,200 Always good to have a hobby. 179 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,720 HUSHED: We need to get out of here. Why don't you just...? 180 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:16,160 Look at your two, couple of lovebirds! 181 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,840 Aha. Well, a couple of lovebirds who must fly, I'm afraid. 182 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:21,280 Not often you see a married couple show so much affection. 183 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:23,800 How do you mean? Well, there's barely a cross word between you. 184 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:26,040 It's almost hard to believe. Hard to believe? Why? 185 00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:27,840 Not like many married couples I know. 186 00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:32,280 Oh, believe me, we sometimes make our feelings clear, don't we? 187 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:33,800 So, for example, I will say, 188 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:35,840 "Why do you always speak with your mouth full?" 189 00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:38,040 And I might say, "Why do you have to look down on people? 190 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:39,280 "Why can't you just be kind?" 191 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,920 I might say, "Kindness has to be earned. You can be quite ill mannered." 192 00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:45,200 I might say, "You might have manners, but it's what's behind the manners." 193 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:47,000 I might say, "Oh, eh, I must hear this. 194 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,400 "What's behind my manners?" 195 00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:51,080 "You're mean, you're inconsiderate, you're dishonest, you're vain." 196 00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:53,440 And I say, "Have you quite finished?" "You don't listen. 197 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:55,320 "You tut, you snore, you roll your eyes..." 198 00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:57,320 I'll say, "Now have you finished?" "You've no honour, 199 00:07:57,320 --> 00:07:59,600 "even though it seems to be the only thing that you care about. 200 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:02,920 "You're short-tempered, you're a hypocrite and you're not nice." 201 00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:07,240 Now have you finished? 202 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:10,920 Yeah, I've finished now. Yeah. 203 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:22,800 What do you think, Alice? Could this be your master's? 204 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:25,520 Well, Master Gideon says it doesn't do for Puritans 205 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:27,600 to indulge in the pleasures of the ear. 206 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:29,400 But we all like music, don't we? 207 00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:33,160 I...might sing occasionally. 208 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:37,280 You sing beautifully, like a tropical songbird, a parrot, say, 209 00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:39,840 and Cumberlidge knows I love a song as well. 210 00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:43,240 Do you? A jaunty jig song, a moving ballad - I love a song. 211 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:47,440 So if there's no harm in your master enjoying music, 212 00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:49,680 could this be his whistle? 213 00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:51,400 WHISPERS: I think it is. 214 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:54,080 Then he came through here. We'll catch him in no time. 215 00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:56,080 Catch? Catch, catch up. 216 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:57,840 Ah. 217 00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:59,240 Is it as blessed as they say? 218 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:01,120 The wedding? The night of the wedding. 219 00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:03,160 Oh, the night of the wedding, we travelled here. 220 00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:05,560 Then how did you consummate? 221 00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:09,800 We haven't had a chance to do that yet, but it's on our list. 222 00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:18,240 Sorry, I thought...people said you were married. 223 00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:21,000 We are married. We just haven't had a... 224 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:24,280 The sacrament isn't complete. You are his wife? 225 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:28,560 Mr Bannister? 226 00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:33,280 Yes, he came through, ooh, what? A few hours ago now? 227 00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:35,040 Excellent. I am pleased. 228 00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:38,160 Him and his wife. His wife?! He's not got a wife! 229 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,520 Oh, yes. He has now. 230 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:42,040 Just married, apparently. 231 00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:44,680 Master Gideon? It was his wife, wasn't it? 232 00:09:44,680 --> 00:09:46,920 Oh, yes, yes. They had a ring and everything. 233 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,040 Happy day! 234 00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:50,440 Would you mind pointing us in the direction they headed? 235 00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:52,320 We'd love to coat them with our best wishes. 236 00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:53,720 Certainly. This way. 237 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:55,160 CUCKING STOOL CREAKS 238 00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:56,760 I think you left a witch on that. 239 00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:02,440 I don't think it's true, them being wed. 240 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:05,400 Well, true, not true, whichever... 241 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:06,960 I mean, it's probably just a ruse, 242 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:09,040 you know, to stop these lot from snatching her. 243 00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:11,520 It's no concern of mine if he was married, he's just my employer. 244 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:13,080 Yeah, I know, it's just... 245 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:16,000 ..some help have a special bond with their master. 246 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,800 I don't have a special bond with my master. 247 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:19,440 YOU might have a special bond with... 248 00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:21,520 I don't have a special bond with my master, no. 249 00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:22,960 I mean, you see some help, they're 250 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,440 all over their masters like spilt soup. Like nappy rash. 251 00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:27,880 Pathetic, desperate. 252 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:30,840 I mean, I don't even know my master's birthday. I don't. 253 00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:32,880 I don't. June-uary?! 254 00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:32,880 SHE LAUGHS 255 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:34,880 Yeah. Or how he likes his bath. 256 00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:38,120 When my master had ticks, I laughed. I would. 257 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:39,960 I'd laugh. I mean, I'm laughing right now. 258 00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:42,600 I removed them all, but I was laughing. 259 00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:48,560 Why did you tell them that? 260 00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:51,160 WHISPERS: Well, I didn't know they had the room ready, did I? 261 00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:52,800 HUSHED: This is unbelievable. 262 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,000 I was supposed to be in Chelmsford a day ago. 263 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:56,360 Calm down! 264 00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:58,400 Dining with Matthew Hopkins himself! 265 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:01,120 I'd have said something like, "I don't know about finding witches. 266 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,200 "You've certainly found yourself a good chef here." 267 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,320 And he would've laughed and said, "Yeah, good one." 268 00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:07,960 You're making such a fuss about nothing. 269 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:11,040 They think we are having congress in here. 270 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:14,240 We're bloody stuck, madam, in these four thin walls 271 00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,080 with half the village listening in. 272 00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:18,800 Why don't you just say, "We've changed our mind, actually"? 273 00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:20,240 Do you want to take that chance? 274 00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:23,840 There are trees out there with bodies dangling from them. 275 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:28,640 We ought to begin. 276 00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:40,040 HE MAKES SMOOCHING NOISES 277 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,600 HE SUCKS LOUDLY 278 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:44,640 What's that?! 279 00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:47,280 Kissing. 280 00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:54,880 HE MOANS LOUDLY 281 00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:58,720 HE MOANS LOUDLY 282 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:03,320 Have you ever been with a woman? 283 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:06,360 Have I ever been with a woman? she asks. 284 00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:07,880 HE MOANS LOUDLY 285 00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:11,200 Have you ever been...? I am a Puritan and I am unmarried. 286 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,360 No, I haven't ever been with a bloody woman. 287 00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:16,680 HE MOANS LOUDLY 288 00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:19,520 And you need to be making appreciative noises 289 00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:21,080 in between the grunts. 290 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:25,160 HE GRUNTS, SHE SQUEALS 291 00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:27,520 What is that? You sound like a violin! 292 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,720 You sound like someone trying to shit a violin! 293 00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:32,920 SHE LAUGHS 294 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:38,760 BOTH MOAN LOUDLY 295 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:40,680 FAINT CLIMAX 296 00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:43,400 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 297 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,640 Ha, maybe we should do that in every village. 298 00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,400 Take a room and grunt at each other? 299 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,080 Express our fondness publicly. 300 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:55,240 Then I thought you could tickle me. Yes. 301 00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:58,160 And then you can nuzzle into me and I'll make a cute noise. 302 00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:00,200 Cute noise? Nyang-nyang-nyang... 303 00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:02,880 We're flying here. I feel like Icarus. 304 00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:05,080 Anyone would think you're enjoying yourself. 305 00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:09,160 I am very, very fond of this lady. 306 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,120 Follow the river, get past these trees, 307 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:14,320 get through the last few villages and we're out of Dedham Vale. 308 00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:16,760 The important thing is not to get cocky. 309 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:18,840 So we tend to do the hanging in the morning 310 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:21,000 and then in the afternoon we have a market, 311 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,040 you know, make a day of it for the family. 312 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:24,360 Ooh, sounds lovely. 313 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:26,440 So you two married, then? 314 00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,560 Married? No. 315 00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:31,640 Thomasina is a witch, and we're hoping no-one notices. 316 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,200 HE LAUGHS 317 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:37,400 I say that to my missus all the time. 318 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:40,120 Just that I wouldn't have put you two together, that's all. Hmm. 319 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,040 I wouldn't have put you together with that hat, 320 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:43,680 but, you know, you have. 321 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:46,520 So when did you get together? Feels like only yesterday. 322 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:48,880 We've had our trials and tribulations, 323 00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:52,200 let's put it that way. Mainly trials, though, to be honest. 324 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:55,160 But when a whole town wants you to stand beside a woman 325 00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:57,760 and tie the knot, what can you do? 326 00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:00,120 Almost took my breath away. 327 00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:03,600 Well, knots will do that, but I didn't leave her hanging. 328 00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:06,720 And so here we are. Sorry? Oh, don't be, John. Don't be. 329 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:09,440 Oh, I love you, Gideon Bannister. 330 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,760 Do you know what, Thomasine Bannister? Mmm? 331 00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:14,120 When I'm not with you, I think of your face 332 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:15,760 and it makes my heart swell. 333 00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:18,440 Gideon? 334 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,440 Dorothy! What are you doing here? 335 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:24,560 Me? I'm... I'm heading to Chelmsford. 336 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:26,880 Why are you here? What the hell are you even doing here? 337 00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:29,120 I live here, with my husband, Rex. 338 00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:30,760 That's so, so great. 339 00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:35,080 Are you going to introduce us? 340 00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:36,760 Yes. Yes, I am. 341 00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:39,920 Thomasine, this is Dorothy, my former betrothed. 342 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:44,880 Dorothy, this is Thomasine, my... Wife. ..wife. 343 00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:47,520 Oh, you found someone! 344 00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:50,560 Chose someone. Yeah. Oh, you must stay for lunch. 345 00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:52,600 I'll have the carriage come round. SHE SHOUTS 346 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,440 Lovely! Actually, no, we can't do that. Nonsense. 347 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:58,200 Driver! We wouldn't want to impose. You wouldn't be imposing. 348 00:14:58,200 --> 00:14:59,520 We would. So we won't. 349 00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:02,480 But I want to find out a little bit more about Thomasine. 350 00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:04,320 Where are you from? Who is your father? 351 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:05,640 I've said we can't go. 352 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:07,520 Miriam is preparing a saddle of lamb! 353 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:09,280 Ooh! It's not going to happen, Dorothy. 354 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:13,400 Perhaps another time, then. Maybe. Mmm. Mm-hmm. 355 00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:15,240 Thomasine. Dorothy. 356 00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:24,320 My goodness. 357 00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:26,400 Your apples are as rosy red as your cheeks. 358 00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,520 I always think rosy cheeks are a sign of a keen mind. 359 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:30,880 Or mead for breakfast! 360 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,400 A mind keen enough to remember if you'd seen someone. 361 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,000 Now I'm looking for... 362 00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:36,280 Alice? 363 00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:38,240 SINGING 364 00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:42,280 # If your true love came passing by 365 00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:44,720 # You'd fill him with drink if he was dry 366 00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:47,400 # At the well below the valley-o 367 00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:49,200 # Green grows the lily-o 368 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:52,840 # Right among the bushes-o 369 00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:55,800 # That's the end of my song... # 370 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:01,880 I don't know what that was. 371 00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:03,000 I like songs. 372 00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:07,840 And, you know, you said before you like songs, so I thought, 373 00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:10,280 the master likes songs, I like songs, so... 374 00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:12,680 That was a lie to win Old Myers' confidence. 375 00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:16,280 Yeah, I know. Mine was a lie, too. 376 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:19,120 So you don't like music? Hate music. 377 00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:21,840 Right. So that performance... 378 00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:25,320 Another lie. 379 00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:26,960 A longer lie. 380 00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:29,080 Huh. 381 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:38,800 Master Gideon! 382 00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:40,280 What are you doing here? 383 00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:42,200 Helping you. Stay there, Gooch. 384 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:45,200 You're not helping me. You were helping by staying put. 385 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:47,680 Yes, but they've all got it in their heads 386 00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:49,840 that it's you that killed Mr Stern. 387 00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:51,440 So I thought, I have to come and warn you 388 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:53,680 in case word reached the Witchfinder General 389 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,520 before you'd had a chance to explain. 390 00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:58,360 And that was all your idea, was it? Well, I was talking to Mr Hebble... 391 00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,600 Hebble? Oh, my God. You and Hebble. 392 00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:01,920 Hebble and Myers! 393 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:03,960 Sounds like a firm of not very good undertakers. 394 00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,720 Well, you didn't take long, did you? 395 00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:07,440 What did he offer you? 396 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:10,280 Higher wage? Plush new saddle? 397 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:13,880 Those thimbles you keep going on about? I am not working for him. 398 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:17,200 He has come with me because... Hebble is with you? 399 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:20,560 Yes! He wants to help you. He doesn't want to help me. 400 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:21,840 He wants to take my witch. 401 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:24,560 He wants to take my job with the Witchfinder General! 402 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:26,840 Bugger me. Bugger, bugger, bugger. 403 00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:28,880 Gooch! Come on, Gooch! 404 00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:30,360 Hebble's here. 405 00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:31,760 What's happening? 406 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:33,440 Goodness, Gideon! 407 00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:35,240 Hebble knows what you're going through. 408 00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:37,600 When he was young, his father was killed as a poacher! 409 00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:39,960 He understands! No, no, no, no, no. Hebble's father 410 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:41,480 is an actuary in Kidderminster. 411 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:43,960 I doubt he knows how to poach an egg. What's happening? 412 00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:45,920 His father is dead. His father isn't dead. 413 00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:48,680 I've met his bloody father. You've met his father! What's going on? 414 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:52,000 You met him at the Carols, Myers! Wake up! What's happening? 415 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,640 He's spun you a yarn to earn your trust. 416 00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:57,000 I think I've made a mistake. A mistake? What's going on? 417 00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:59,440 No, a mistake is when you miss an L out of the word clock 418 00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:01,760 when you're writing to your mother. What's happening? 419 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:04,640 A mistake is when you try to milk a bull. This isn't a mistake, Myers. 420 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:06,720 This is a foul-up. What's going on? 421 00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,280 Does he know where I'm going? 422 00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:10,320 I think I might have... You're unbelievable. 423 00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:12,480 What's happening? I'll tell you what's going on, 424 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:14,440 and I'll tell you what's happening. Right? 425 00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:16,600 Myers here is going to take Hebble somewhere else. 426 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:19,720 You and I are going to hide. Now. Now, now, Myers! Now. Come on. 427 00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:21,800 What are you doing? Hiding now. No... 428 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,400 What are you...? Stand up. 429 00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:25,520 We need to find a large barrel, or a haystack. 430 00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:27,640 I'm not getting in a barrel. Then a haystack it is. 431 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,160 I'm not getting in a haystack. 432 00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:31,360 Your ex offered for us to go to her house. 433 00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:32,520 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 434 00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:34,960 Believe me, we're not doing that. That's ruled out. 435 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:37,920 Did you say SADDLE of lamb? 436 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:46,600 I've always wanted a house with a corridor. 437 00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:49,040 Love corridors. 438 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:53,240 Now, what I was saying about getting married to Thomasine. Yes? 439 00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:56,960 Well, have you got to know the locals at all? 440 00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,680 Well, not as much as we'd like. 441 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:03,280 They are a very god-fearing people, in quite a mad way. 442 00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:07,960 I've heard they execute suspected witches without going to trial. 443 00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:11,520 Well, one can't be too careful when it comes to witches, can one? 444 00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:14,360 So you knew about that, did you? Oh, absolutely. 445 00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:16,640 It's one of the reasons we moved here. 446 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,960 Oh, I'm sorry. What were you saying about Thomasine? 447 00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:20,200 Oh, nothing, I don't think. 448 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,280 This is my husband, Rex. 449 00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:23,600 As in... 450 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:26,920 ..Oedipus Rex? 451 00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:28,600 I'm a friend of your mother's. 452 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:31,280 Your wife's. Hello. You must be Gideon. 453 00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:32,760 And I must be going. 454 00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:35,960 Going? Going where? Word is there's a witch in the Vale, 455 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,240 along with a corrupted witchfinder. 456 00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:42,040 Get lost! Mmm. I'm off to find some men to help hunt them down. 457 00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:44,320 Care to join, Gideon? Does it have to be you? 458 00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:46,760 We've got guests, for goodness' sake. Good point. 459 00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:49,960 Oh, do stay, Rex. I shall find something for Thomasine to wear, 460 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:52,640 and you can entertain Gideon. Entertain? What? 461 00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:58,000 You know how many windows we have here? 462 00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,600 Oh, er, forty... 463 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:02,040 112. 464 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:04,000 112 windows. 465 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:06,600 Well, 1-1-2. 466 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:08,680 You like swords? 467 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:12,320 A classic cut-and-thrust two-edged sword by Kenneth's of Hounslow. 468 00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:14,360 Observe the half-basket hilt. 469 00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:15,880 And the blade... 470 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:17,760 ..32 inches. 32. 471 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:20,800 32 inches. Two edges. 112 windows. 472 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,040 Some numbers. 473 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:24,400 A pair of French rapiers. 474 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:27,880 Lighter, for the weak-wristed swordsman. Hmm? Hmm. 475 00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:31,200 Do you know why the foil came to prominence? No, sir. 476 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:33,200 Goes through chainmail. 477 00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:37,240 Oh. And like that, rendered chainmail obsolete. 478 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:40,280 I was wondering why chainmail have been rendered obsolete. 479 00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:41,640 Well, there you are. 480 00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:45,880 Ah! Now, this bespoke mortuary sword was given to me 481 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,840 by Oliver Cromwell himself. 482 00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:50,440 You met Oliver Cromwell? Yes. At Naseby? 483 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:53,600 No, Dorothy and I met him socially. 484 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:55,760 What did he say? Was he nice? 485 00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:58,360 Do you mind if I don't tell you, actually? 486 00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:01,880 I just feel it would be indiscreet to divulge what was said 487 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:04,720 in a private conversation. Totally. Absolutely fine. 488 00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:07,320 I just feel discretion is important. 489 00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:09,760 No, I was just... That's just something I feel. Mmm. 490 00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:12,240 I'm not asking you to say exactly what he said, 491 00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:15,120 just looking for a general impression. Hmm. 492 00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:17,760 Or does that fall under the same proto...? Yes, I think it does. 493 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:22,080 Dick. 494 00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:30,640 Oh! Smell that food. 495 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:33,480 Now, remember, how you behave reflects upon me. 496 00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:34,720 I think I'll be all right. 497 00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:38,400 A guy in my village used to host big feasts when he found dead livestock, 498 00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:40,440 so I have used forks. 499 00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,640 "I have used forks." 500 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:46,480 No-one matching that description? 501 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,320 Alice! There you are. 502 00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:53,320 Oh, I just needed the privy, love. No matter. 503 00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:55,560 Don't know why I keep needing to go. It's fine. 504 00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:57,720 I think it might be the cart thumping against it. 505 00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:00,560 You know, like when you squeeze a pig's bladder full... 506 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:01,880 It's fine. 507 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,640 So what did he say? Who? 508 00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:08,480 Master Gideon! Seemed in quite a hurry. 509 00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:11,880 Was that not him I saw riding away? 510 00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:27,680 Cumberlidge! The cart. 511 00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:30,120 Do you want one? No, thank you. 512 00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:35,120 Let us begin. 513 00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:41,280 Dear Lord, we give thanks for the food we are about... 514 00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:43,840 CRUNCHING 515 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:45,920 Oh, sorry. 516 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:49,880 So sorry. 517 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:55,320 Dear Lord, we give thanks for the food we are about to enjoy. 518 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:58,920 Amen. Amen. Just to explain the grace mix-up... 519 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:01,960 No! No, I'd like to. I'd like to. No, really. I'd like to. 520 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:05,400 We said grace immediately before we encountered you, 521 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:09,720 and I think Thomasine thought that carried over, not unreasonably. 522 00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:12,880 I think most people agree that Grace applies for around about... 523 00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:15,160 Thank you. ..45 minutes, there or thereabouts, 524 00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:16,560 before you have to re-utter. 525 00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:19,480 So I think she was eating within that window. My God! 526 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:21,720 Do my eyes deceive me? Father! 527 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:23,600 Gideon Bannister! 528 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:25,640 We've not had the pleasure since... 529 00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:31,480 Oh, yes, when we decided that you and Dorothy should... 530 00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:33,400 Yes. Yeah. Sorry about that. 531 00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:35,440 No idea you'd... 532 00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:37,320 Well, it didn't feel good. 533 00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:41,680 Well, anyway... Genuinely never seen a grown man cry like that. 534 00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:45,600 Sobering, sobering. 535 00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:47,400 But how are things? 536 00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:50,440 I rather imagined that you'd end up at home 537 00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:52,600 helping your father with his... 538 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:57,000 Was it butterflies? Bees. Bees. That's it. 539 00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:58,680 Is that where you ended up? 540 00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:01,880 Yeah. 541 00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:03,480 Oh, good for you. 542 00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:04,920 Follow your passion. 543 00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:09,040 Too many men these days, they just want a bit of stature or renown. 544 00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:11,400 You know that Rex fought at Naseby? 545 00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:14,120 Yes, he mentioned that, and I enjoyed listening to that. 546 00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:16,520 Not too late to join up. Join up? 547 00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:19,040 Do you remember when he ran away from that squirrel? 548 00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:20,440 LAUGHTER 549 00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:23,840 I was going in that direction anyway, but yes. 550 00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:26,960 Oh, forgive me. Father, Thomasine. 551 00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:29,920 Thomasine and Gideon have just got married. 552 00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:34,080 Very pleased. Oh! And it's Thomasine...? 553 00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:36,440 BURPS 554 00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:36,440 Sorry. Gooch. 555 00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:38,960 Trying to think if I know the Gooch family. 556 00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:40,400 Do you have family, Thomasine? 557 00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:43,080 Well, never mind about her family. Let's talk about your family. 558 00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:44,480 How are your family? 559 00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:47,760 Well, Uncle Francis is Uncle Francis. Of course, yes. 560 00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:52,040 Still burying his money lest the Crown should steal it. 561 00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:54,480 He's a bit of an eccentric. 562 00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:56,800 Well, I'm all for eccentrics. 563 00:24:56,800 --> 00:25:01,120 I have an uncle, Jeremy, who won't have clocks in the house. 564 00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:05,040 Oh! I've got an uncle that fell in love with a scarecrow. 565 00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:06,600 LAUGHTER 566 00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:06,600 The only thing is, 567 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:09,480 he couldn't accept that the scarecrow didn't love him back. Oh! 568 00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:13,080 And he spent all day with it, stroking it, talking to it. 569 00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:15,440 We just thought it was Brian being Brian, 570 00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:17,720 until he started getting intimate with it. 571 00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:20,280 And we said, "Brian, you can't be doing this, 572 00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:23,080 "not in an open field with kids watching." 573 00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:26,480 And he'd be crying, going, "Oh, but the heart wants the heart wants." 574 00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:29,120 And we said, "Well, Brian, does that still apply 575 00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:31,200 "when it's, you know, furniture?" 576 00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:34,560 And he just got worse and worse 577 00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:36,440 and he ended up hanging himself. 578 00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:38,280 Very lonely man. 579 00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:40,200 Might give the chutney a go. 580 00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:42,360 And where's your family estate? 581 00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:44,680 Banham, but I wouldn't call it an estate. Oh, I would. 582 00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:47,040 I absolutely would. It's an estate. It has grounds. 583 00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:50,400 Well, it's got a bit of grass out the back for the dog to go. 584 00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:53,760 Got to say, this beetroot tops the lot. 585 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:55,040 It's fine. It's fine. 586 00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:57,680 Never let it be said we do not enjoy a joke at table. 587 00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:00,560 I enjoy... 588 00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:02,200 Do you know calembour? 589 00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:04,120 It's a kind of French pun, 590 00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:06,360 and yes, I have several up my sleeve. 591 00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:09,400 Oh! I will often have the table roaring, won't I? 592 00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:11,760 Oh, roaring. 593 00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:13,720 I've got a joke! Well, the calem... 594 00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:15,320 A man walks into an alehouse... 595 00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:18,040 Yes. ..so drunk that he's sick all over himself. 596 00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:20,440 He goes, "Oh, me wife's going to be so cross with me! 597 00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:23,280 "I've gone out and got drunk again." And the landlord turns to him 598 00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:26,960 and says, "Here, take that shilling, yeah, put it in your top pocket, 599 00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:29,480 "say another bloke was sick on your shirt 600 00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:31,720 "and he gave you a shilling to get a new shirt." 601 00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:34,000 "Oh, yeah, I'll do that. I'll do that." 602 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:37,560 So he goes home and his wife sees him and she is... 603 00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:39,040 She's livid. 604 00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:42,280 She goes, "Look at the state of you! You went out and got drunk again." 605 00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:44,480 He went, "No, no, no, it wasn't me. It wasn't me. 606 00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:46,000 "It was another bloke. 607 00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:48,800 "And what happened is he gave me a shilling for a new shirt." 608 00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:51,560 She goes, "Why's there two shillings, then? And he says, 609 00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:53,760 "Because he shat in my pants as well." 610 00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:55,360 LAUGHS 611 00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:56,720 Forgive me. 612 00:26:56,720 --> 00:26:58,800 How could one man defecate 613 00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:01,800 in trousers still being worn by another man? 614 00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:05,360 I suspect the absurdity is rather the point, yes? 615 00:27:05,360 --> 00:27:07,880 Oh, I see. 616 00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:09,600 And was this a friend of yours? 617 00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:12,800 I hope you don't mind my asking, but, er... 618 00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:14,680 ..is she a, er... 619 00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:18,600 ..peasant? A peasant? Oh, God, no. Yeah, I am. 620 00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:21,640 Oh, well, how splendid. 621 00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:24,680 Do you know, I don't think we've ever had one at table before. 622 00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:27,400 What didn't you say, Gideon? We could have provided a spoon. 623 00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:29,040 She has used forks. No! 624 00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:31,440 Good for you, Gideon, because it can work. 625 00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:35,160 You know, Lord Bodman married a milkmaid, and he had three children. 626 00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:36,880 Mmm, good breeders, the poor. 627 00:27:36,880 --> 00:27:40,320 Do you people tend to live long or...? 628 00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:42,280 Does she know numbers? 629 00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:44,760 Ask her yourself. Do you know numbers? 630 00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:48,400 Well, yeah. I mean, I do know stuff. I just can't read, 631 00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:50,440 but I want to learn. Sorry? 632 00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:52,320 I want to learn how to read. 633 00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:58,720 Yes! 634 00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:01,040 You had me taken in for a second there! 635 00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:03,600 Me too! Oh, I didn't want to say! 636 00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:05,880 That's bloody convincing, actually. 637 00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:07,760 It's the absurdity again, isn't it, Rex? 638 00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:10,040 You can imagine them, you know, in the field, 639 00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:13,200 there they are, trying to read a potato. 640 00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:14,920 Very good! 641 00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:17,360 I think we have to go now. 642 00:28:17,360 --> 00:28:19,760 Dorothy, Mr Harvey, it's been a pleasure. 643 00:28:19,760 --> 00:28:23,760 Hear, hear. And seriously, congratulations on the peasant. 644 00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:28,760 Little gift to say thank you. 645 00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:29,880 Some honey. 646 00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:32,520 This is honey? 647 00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:39,880 White honey, yeah. White honey? 648 00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:41,840 Never heard of it. Where did you get it from? 649 00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:43,320 Oh, we got it from... 650 00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:44,920 Ramscock. Ramscock. 651 00:28:44,920 --> 00:28:48,200 It's a local delicacy, only for the discerning palate. 652 00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:52,160 Well, we shall be on our way. 653 00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:56,080 Mmm! 654 00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:57,560 Interesting. 655 00:28:57,560 --> 00:28:59,280 Well, it's interesting, isn't it? 656 00:29:00,920 --> 00:29:02,800 I've had that before.