Someone's going to have to tell the Witchfinder General
he's going to need a new right-hand man.
I need to take the suspect to the Court of Assizes.
And you won't even let me go? Why on earth would I agree to that?
Because you can't get to Chelmsford in time.
We'll be there on time. In fact, we'll be there later today.
Captain, we weren't expecting you so soon. Captain?
That's John Stearne. Was.
That's John Was.
Why do your eyes keep flicking over there?
We need to go over the bridge
and thought I might... look at the bridge.
Careful! She could cast a hex on any one of you.
Blow the bridge!
Aah!
This is not catastrophic, this is...manageable.
If you could eat anything you wanted right now,
what would you eat, do you think?
Plenty of villages beyond these trees -
get to one of them, borrow a couple of horses, off we go.
We should be in Chelmsford marginally after dark.
Like, if I was a witch and I could cast a food spell
and you could eat anything you wanted to,
what would you eat right now, do you think?
Just need to get through this forest -
which isn't really a forest, if I'm honest. It's more of a wood.
Well, it's a thicket, isn't it?
It's copse. I'd have a bag pudding.
What are you talking about?
I was just talking about, if you could eat anything right now,
what would you eat, do you think? Just to sort of pass the time.
Yes, you can pass the time by examining the woodland.
Or your conscience. Nothing wrong with my conscience.
Just have to borrow a couple of horses
once we get to the Vale of Dedham. Dedham Vale?
Are you joking? I'm not going through Dedham Vale!
You ARE going through Dedham Vale.
You're a prisoner, and you'll do as you're told.
No-one goes through Dedham Vale. My dad told me all about it.
They've lost their minds.
A man lost his daughters in there,
who went in there to sell cakes, and they never came back.
Well, we don't know that they came to any harm. Where'd they go, then?
Well, maybe they met some brothers and settled down.
There were six of them.
Maybe they met six brothers. I don't think so.
We're talking about Suffolk. They have big families.
HORSE WHINNIES
OK. Let's go. Come on, let's go!
Excuse me, swan. Sorry.
Madam! Stop!
Stop.
Where are you going?
South. South! Now, are you going near Chelmsford?
We're going to Chelmsford.
Ooh! This is ideal.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is that to me or the horse? I'll need my costs covered.
Your costs? But you're going there anyway, aren't you?
So there ARE no costs - and besides, we have no money.
Then, just give us a bit of your honey.
Well... What?
This is stealing.
Dad always said, don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
This is not a gift horse.
This is just a horse who has left its mouth unattended.
Smoke, look.
Right...
Let's do the job properly.
OK. OK.
Someone's coming!
MAN: Oi! What the fuck are you doing?
Have you been in the hive? No.
If you've touched my bees,
I'll shove them up your arse one by one, like rosary beads.
You definitely haven't touched them?
No. We were...
..just looking at them.
Quite unusual.
Bollocks. Unusual!
What's unusual about them?
Well, your skeps are made from willow.
Skeps? Yeah.
What do you know about skeps?
Well, usually you would reinforce the base with hazel,
but you've opted to use willow,
presumably to stop them warping in the wet weather.
I have, yeah.
But it's not reinforcing the base, is it?
It's called sp... Splitting.
Sorry, our smoke scared your bees.
Scared them? No, the smoke doesn't scare them.
No, it quells them.
If you'd scared them, you'd know it.
Oh, yes, you would!
THEY CHUCKLE
Do you tend to these every day, or...? I do, yeah.
You know, I mean, I know we're not supposed to work on the Sabbath,
but... Try telling the bees that.
HE LAUGHS
This is nice, isn't it?
Just two men having a nice chat about bees.
You have the softest elderly hands I've ever held.
It's just a knob of butter in the morning.
You butter your hands? Yeah.
You butter your hands.
That's right.
Well, it works beautifully.
Now, are you going to tell me what's upset you?
They're saying that it was Master Gideon that killed Mr Stearne.
Then, you must go and warn him. Godspeed and good luck.
Cumberlidge.
We ride for Cromer in an hour,
so the horses will need a belly full of hay
and a going-over with the dandy brush.
You could do with a couple of strokes yourself.
I don't have a horse.
You don't have a horse?
Then, yours is a thorny task indeed.
I will say, do find him.
I remember my father was wrongly accused of poaching.
I tried to reach him before the gamekeepers did.
Did you find him? Oh, yes. Oh, thank goodness.
Dead. Moments too late.
What I wouldn't give to right that wrong.
Still.
If... If you want to, you could help me find my master.
Oh... Oh, we'd be happy to.
I could do for Bannister what I could never do for my father.
You just tell me where he's gone.
Ch...
Ch...?
Oh, you promised not to.
Oh, Alice, bless you.
Promises are so important, aren't they?
I will not violate my covenant
or alter the word that went forth from my lips.
Psalms. Psalms.
So, what if I say where he's gone?
Then, you won't have been the one to tell me.
Your promise will be intact, and we can save that life of his.
You just tell me if I'm right.
Chorley. Chelmsford.
Cheltenham. Chesham.
Chadderton. Chiddingly.
Chard. Chelsea.
Charlbury. Chatham. Chatteris.
Cheshunt. Chester.
Chesterfield. Chester-le-Street. Chagford. Chaddesley Corbett.
Charlwood. Cheadle. Cheddar.
Chinnor. Chichester. Chippenham.
Chipping Campden. Chipping Norton.
Chipping Ongar. Chipping Sodbury. None of those?
The second one.
Such lovely hands.
Come along, Alice.
Nice of him to give us that honey.
For people that keep bumblebees as slaves,
I think the beekeepers are actually quite nice.
You met many beekeepers?
No. Beekeepers are odd.
I thought your dad was a beekeeper.
Bee people are all the same!
"Ooh, that's a very nice honey.
"Ooh, try this honey. Smell the honey!
"Ooh, that's lovely honey, that is."
Tedious, tedious.
Their relentless veneration of bees.
I dunno, whatever makes you happy, I say.
Name a famous beekeeper.
Um...
I'm waiting.
There aren't any.
You can't get rich or decorated by keeping bees.
You could be rich in other ways, besides money.
Yes, well, I want to be rich in other ways AND money.
You're a witchfinder. I am.
My lad's a bit of a witchfinder, aren't you, lad?
A bit of a witchfinder?
You'll have to watch yourself.
I shall have to remember that!
He's found two now.
Local girls, like.
Knows all the questions.
Then again, it's just a bit of common sense, innit?
Well, no - you have to be able to read for a start.
I can read.
Oh, I bet you read nicely.
SHE GASPS You could teach ME to read one day!
"An observation of the study of the nature of the foulness of witches.
"For Dorothy."
Oh, no, it's a summons from the court in Chelmsford.
It doesn't say Chelmsford on here. Or court.
Well, I've read Malleus Maleficarum in Latin.
Mm! I wonder whether your boy has done that.
Might have. What about Daemonologie?
Um... Um...
Yes or no?
Yes, then. And Stercus Equi? Yeah.
Even though it doesn't exist, and it means horse shit in Latin?!
Oh!
THUD
No! No, stop the cart!
Stop the cart!
Gooch! Oi! Gooch!
One more step!
One more step, and I will put a hex on you - I mean it!
Argh!
Oh!
Argh!
Right, you! Aah! You!
Argh!
I was never summoned to Chelmsford.
There's no letter. So what?
In Chelmsford, you get to be tried
away from the lunatics in your hometown,
and I get to offer my services
as the right-hand man to the Witchfinder General.
This is what this is all about?
A job?
You are so obsessed with people thinking you're important!
I care what people think.
That's all.
And maybe if you would do that once in a while,
rather than just articulating anything
that comes into your head... Oh!
..then maybe you wouldn't be in this pickle in the first place.
Don't you dare. People are frightened.
Yeah. They think the devil walks amongst them!
They want certainty.
Now, anyone with half a brain would notice that,
and would try and fit in,
would try and be like other people - but not you.
You spend all your time down the tavern, you rile your neighbours.
You ask constant, constant questions.
I don't just accept what the men in the fancy hats tell me!
Yeah, well, LET ME TELL...!
Let me tell you something.
It's the people in the nice hats that make all the big decisions.
Now, someone like...
What? You don't think I'm a witch.
I haven't said that, who said that?
Why didn't you stay back? When?
When I threatened to put a hex on you before, you didn't even flinch.
I did. I remember feeling intense fear
before asking the Lord to give me courage.
You dived on me straight away.
I pray very quickly. For the sake of your career,
you would convict an innocent woman.
I'm not convicting anyone.
That is for the court to decide. I am merely a...
..conduit would be the wrong word, but... Just a horrible man.
Yes, and you're my prisoner.
So, we're going.
Give me the map.
Give me the map. Mm-mm.
Give me the map. No.
I'm not going through Dedham Vale, it's got the word "dead" in it.
Yes, it's also got the word "ham" in it.
Yeah. Well, good luck getting that down.
You'd have more chance swallowing your bloody mouth, honestly.
Can't wait to see you get THAT down.
You're not getting that down.
Are you getting that down?
Don't get that down!
Stop getting it down!
Is it down?
That's unbelievable.
Let's head for the trees.
Bugger me!
Footprints. People have been this way.
Yeah. Us, an hour ago.
Right, we're camping.
And you can extinguish that look, thank you very much.
We're still going to Chelmsford tomorrow.
I was always told it's dangerous to stay out at night
in case of highwaymen.
Can you see any highways?
Highwaymen don't just rob on highways.
Yes, but highwaymen mainly rob on highways,
just like dung beetles don't just eat dung.
If they find an old leaf that tastes shitty enough,
they'll eat that too -
but they're called dung beetles
because they MAINLY eat dung.
SIGHS: Right...
Have you done much camping?
QUIETLY: The rabbit is a wily foe...
..but if I stay completely still...
..I will hear him coming...
..long before he reaches the exit...
..giving me that crucial...
..split-second advantage...
..needed...
RUSTLING
THUD
That's fine.
Let him go, let him go.
Do you think? Mm-hm.
Always let the first one go.
Mark of respect between hunter... RUSTLING
THUD
..and hunted.
Again, fine.
Let him go, let him go?
We had not yet commenced the hunt proper.
We shall do so now.
RUSTLING, THUD
RUSTLING
Funny how if you just bend down and pick one up, they just let you.
Possibly cotignac. Cotignac?
You were asking earlier what I would eat if I could have anything I like.
Bread with cotignac.
It's a quince paste made with lemon and sugar.
I love jam. It's not a jam!
It's an exquisite local delicacy in Provence.
In France.
Unusual for something to be exquisite AND local.
Um, no. Normally if something is exquisite, it doesn't stay local.
We all end up eating it -
and if it's still local,
it's probably not going to be that exquisite.
Is that where you had cotignac - France?
No, it's not.
I had it at a dinner with the Archbishop of Norfolk
and several other leading figures of East Anglia.
I sampled the cotignac,
and I was possibly too boisterous in my praise.
Ended up lodging a pheasant's wishbone in the old throat.
Had to be helped away.
I wasn't asked back.
HE PLAYS MELODY
That's sad.
It IS sad. Yes.
I've come to refer to it as the wishbone moment.
Not just because I choked on one,
but also because when one pictures a wishbone,
there is a long, thin single bone...
..if you like, my life up until that moment...
..and then the bone bisects into two prongs.
Now, one of these is the less-than-successful path
my life took after that moment, involving small rooms in taverns
and people who like bag pudding.
The other prong?
That's the life I should have had.
Renown, acclaim...
So, yes, it is sad. I meant the tune.
Oh, right. Well...
I will be playing an altogether more jaunty number tomorrow
after meeting the Witchfinder General.
HE PLAYS MELODY
Do you know Are You Sleeping, Brother John?
Mm-hm. Because we could do that in the round.
There's two of us.
Didn't he ban music?
That Puritan you like.
Oliver Cromwell.
# If you be a man of noble fame
# Then tell me-o the father's name
# At the well below the valley-o
# Green grow the lily-o
# Right among the bushes-o... #
Ahem.
# Two of them... # Outstanding, Alice.
I could listen to you sing all day... Well, thank you!
..and in a way I feel I have. Your master is a lucky man indeed.
He doesn't much care for my singing.
Well, he should try listening to Cumberlidge for entertainment.
I'd get better conversation if I put the bridle on him
and had the horse sit up here!
# There's two of them by... # That being said,
I do wonder if we shouldn't put the singing to one side.
We'd hate to be in the throes of musical ecstasy
and miss a clue as to which way he journeyed.
Well, I can tell you which way he's gone.
You can...you can see from the horse droppings.
These could be anyone's horse droppings.
Well, THOSE could be anyone's,
but these on the left, they're Master Gideon's.
You can tell, cos they're a bit purply,
and he feeds his horse beetroot. Why does he feed them beetroot?
So they do purple shits.
Quite the sleuth. Like a bloodhound tracking a fox.
Or a pig snuffling for truffles.
Ooh! It's a bit like truffling for snuffles, isn't it?
Yeah. We must hurry. Cumberlidge, off.
Give the horse a fighting chance. You can trot alongside.
Haven't been camping in ages.
I suppose women aren't allowed to any more.
Yes, they are. Of course they are.
Meet in the woods - must be a coven.
Pick flowers - she's making a potion.
Swim in a river - why does she float?
I used to love swimming.
My dad always says... I think that's enough talking now, don't you?
Nothing wrong with talking.
My dad says it's the only thing that separates us from animals.
Not true. Clothes.
My dad also says... Your dad also says, your dad also says!
Your dad does a lot of saying, doesn't he?
But not a great deal of being there
when his daughter is accused of witchery.
Well, he went away.
When I was younger, there was a bad harvest.
He went to get work. So now he's migratory, is he?
Flying off to sunnier climes,
flapping his big old wings, soaring off to Lowestoft?
HE SQUAWKS
Well, he didn't want us relying on the parish.
Comments as you go by, wiping spit off the door.
So he went away.
Last time I checked, families were supposed to stay together.
We will be in one place.
He's found work now.
Oh! Says so in his letters. Which you can't read.
Mum's friend can read, and Mum would tell me -
till the pox took her last winter.
Do you think that he'd be writing me letters if he deserted me?
I don't know. No.
You know, it's not healthy to set so much store in other people.
Rely on oneself.
Pull up the drawbridge.
What if you love someone? Don't.
I don't.
You don't know what it means. I do know this -
everybody has attachments.
Parents they've lost, or a dog that ran away
or a fiancee who backed out with four weeks to go before the wedding.
You can't dwell on the Christmases you spent together,
the long walks, stroking her face with the back of your hand.
"Oh, you've got smooth knuckles.
"I'm going to call you Smuckles."
You can't wallow in it.
You're from the wrong stock, draw a line, move on.
Bye-bye.
What was her name?
Long time ago. I don't know. Something like Dorothy.
So, Dorothy, then. Yeah, it was Dorothy. Yeah.
You not having your bunny?
I'm all right. I had that map.
Let's tie you up.
BIRDSONG
DISTANT CHATTER
Come on, Gooch. Up. Gooch! Gooch!
Up! I can hear people. Oh...
There must be a village.
Come on, Gooch, let's go.
Come on. Through here.
HE SNIFFS
You smell that?
That'll be sausages.
That's Dedham Vale?
Well, what did you expect?
Jackals roaming the street? Dead babies on spikes?
Lucifer manning the cider stall? HE CHUCKLES
Well, I don't know, I just got so many stories
about how everybody just went completely berserk.
Where do the stories come from? Your father. And half the tavern.
Like June Roscoe and Old Dim Dyke.
Here we go. Randy Tom. Henry with the eye.
Henry with the hair.
Bobby Four-tits and half the lads at the tannery.
Honestly, I hate to disagree with Randy, Tom,
or any of the Four-tits family, but look for yourself.
I might just go and ask.
No, you won't just do anything.
You're going to stay out the way. Come on.
I will go over there.
I will have a lovely breakfast
and then I will use my standing to secure the loan of a cart and horse
to get us to Chelmsford today, ready for the trial tomorrow.
Any sausages for me?
I shouldn't have thought so.
Good morning!
Are your parents about?
I love children.
Hello?
Hello!
Do we know if this horse is taken?
Do we know if horsey likes apples?
Hello?
Daylight robbery. Ah! No.
The price of a good horse today. Oh.
Mind you, that one's just a pony and it gets terrible sore throats.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Oh, it's fine.
It's just a little HOARSE.
Oh!
THEY LAUGH
Wonderful!
Really strong.
The pony doesn't think so - but then they are NEIGH sayers.
That's another one!
That's two horse jokes.
Helena Jennings.
Gideon Bannister. Gideon, eh? Oh, a fine Biblical name. Yes.
Commanded by God to defeat the Midianites.
Well, if I see one!
HE LAUGHS
No, but ARE you a man of God? I try to be.
I'm actually transporting... James! He's one of our lot.
Minister Jennings, cleric of our little parish.
So, there are people here, then. Yes. Yes.
Well, you've met my wife. The comedian.
Hah! Giving you the horse jokes, was she?
Yes, both of them. Oh, I know!
Puritans ought not to entertain frivolity... Mm-hm.
..but we're not really the finger-wagging types in Dedham Vale.
Well, this is splendid.
A new friend, and a man of good stock.
I saw you looking at the horse. Are you in need of one?
Yes, that's my MANE concern.
Little horse joke for you.
But of course! Absolutely.
A good puritan like you - more than welcome.
But first you must stay and enjoy the feast.
Ooh, a feast!
Now, then! I don't mind a feast.
Do you know what?
Some people warned me not to come through here.
LAUGHS: Dedham Vale?! Dedham Vale!
There's no safer place in England!
Of course not!
TWIG SNAPS
Oh, this place is fantastic.
We should get the feast started. Oh, wonderful.
What are we having? Having? Sausages, by any chance?
Oh, no, it's more of a feast of renewal than a feast-feast.
Please! I have children! Please!
Wh...? We generally hang them,
but the occasional bonfire serves as a warning to others.
Susan was arrested this morning.
It was said that she muttered a malediction to Lorna Pierce.
Only arrested this morning? And already tried?
Oh, we don't much worry about trials. Best not to dilly-dally.
When the locals identify a witch, that's good enough for us.
When the people of Sodom and Gomorrah committed abominations,
God didn't initiate court proceedings.
He rained burning sulphur upon them.
Which is why, when we get a witch, we like to pop her on the fire.
The devil's daughter must be put to slaughter. What a lovely rhyme.
Yes! Peter makes them up for us.
He's our resident Shakespeare.
I can see that. Now...
..would you care to be today's starter of the flame, Mr Bannister?
SHE SCREAMS
Flame?
Oh, there they are!
I was meant to bury those witches a week ago.
You know when you just can't remember
what you've done with something?
So, what are you doing here?
I thought I'd just sort of guard them. Guard them?
Er, because, witches,
you don't know if the power's kind of still in them... Oh!
..even after they're dead.
I don't want any kids sort of playing, skipping around,
and there's still, like, still some sort of evil seeping out.
I'm Richard, by the way. I am Thomasine.
Lovely to meet you.
Oh! You always curtsy?
Only to people that I fancy.
Could you do me a favour and pass me that shovel? Um... No.
Pick it up so I can look at your bum.
Phew! Wasn't expecting...
I wasn't expecting that!
I think I'll... I'm going to get it, actually.
Cor.
See you later.
SHE EXHALES
Come along, everybody, gather.
It's customary to say a few words,
be it a prayer or a favourite passage.
A prayer, verse or a phrase, then we can set her ablaze!
LAUGHTER
Thanks.
Bit of phlegm in my throat.
Um...
In these moments, I'm reminded of a passage from the Old Testament.
"An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth,"
and I think what the Lord is driving at there
is he's inviting us to extrapolate that out,
away from just eyes and teeth
and towards all parts of us.
So, for example, a thigh for a thigh or a lung for a lung,
or a... Well, anyone...?
Lip. Lip would do it, yep. Lip for a lip.
Yeah. A womb? Womb for a womb.
Yes, one for the ladies.
But does God...? A chin.
Chin is excellent.
That's world-class. Yes, chin for a chin works a treat.
But does God literally want us to do harm to another
just because we have had harm done unto us?
ALL: Yes.
Going for yes? Yes.
Unanimously? Yes.
OK.
So, then... Er... Yeah.
Will this go on much longer?
Er, no, no, no. I'll just do my bit, then I'll get her lit.
One for you, Peter.
HE CHUCKLES
In these situations, I always like to thank the Lord
with a rendition of Are You Sleeping, Brother John?
What, the children's rhyme?
Yes. Well, how does Brother John pertain to Christ?
John was the...
..fourth wise man. Often overlooked.
I think only three of them, in the end,
got the nod to visit the Christ Child.
John was sleeping, hence the song.
Um...
So, let's give that a whirl, shall we?
So, let's sing a round of Are You Sleeping, Brother John?
And let's start over here. So...
# Are you sleeping...? #
# Are you sleeping, Brother John? # Just this quarter, for now.
And then at the back.
# Are you sleeping...? # Ready? # Are you sleeping, Brother John? #
And then... # Are you sleeping...? Are you sleeping? #
THEY SING ROUNDS And nice and loud, belt it out.
Chap in the felt hat. # Are you sleeping...? #
And then, eyes closed.
Eyes...
Close your eyes.
SCRUNCHED closed as if you're actually sleeping.
Peter knows what I'm talking about.
Eyes closed, little fella.
Even if I go quiet, keep your eyes closed.
Keep singing.
# Morning bells are ringing... # That's it.
# Morning bells are ringing
# Ding-dang-dong, ding-dang-dong Brother John, Brother John
# Are you sleeping, are you sleeping Morning bells are ringing
# Brother John, Brother John? Ding-dang-dong, ding-dang-dong
# Morning bells are ringing Morning bells are dinging... #
Let's go. There's dead women everywhere!
We should have stayed on the cart.
There's a lynch mob. They're maniacs. All of them.
I did tell you this before we came.
No, you jumped to a conclusion.
I arrived at a conclusion.
It just happens to be it was the same conclusion.
# Morning bells are ringing Morning bells are dinging
# Ding-dang-dong
# Morning bells are ringing Morning bells are dinging
# Ding-dang-dong... #
We need to move before anyone sees you.
You just don't want to lose your chance
to impress the Witchfinder General!
I'm no good to you dead, am I?
You stay here, you'll be cinders in an hour.
Do you want that?
Or do you want to take your chances in Chelmsford? Chelmsford.
Going somewhere, Mr Bannister? Do you know this woman?
Well, not... Well, this is... His wife. Ah.
# They went into her father's hall
# Lay the bent to the bonnie broom
# To play the harp before them all
# Fa-la-la-la la-la-la la la la
# But as they laid it on a stone
# Lay the bent to the bonnie broom
# The harp began to play alone... #