Hey, what's up? It's Guapdad.
I don't know how I ended up here,
but I'm pretty sure I'm about to throw up.
Before I do that, you wouldn't believe
what happened last week on Blindspotting.
-Talkin' 'bout. -Uh-blah-dow.
I was married in Bali.
Yo, who the fuck are you texting?
Earl?
Man, fuck that nigga.
Shit, he only text me, what, twice since he got out?
Hey, Daddy.
- Cuddie's in too deep. - Yeah.
I need to break them up. I need to break them up.
You're just a little sad.
Like, you have a sad face.
I wonder what's wrong.
It's fine. Every...everything is fine.
Thank you!
Okay, shit, y'all, we are here!
- Ooh. - Yeah.
- Hey. - Ooh.
Whew, hey.
Dang, y'all, I haven't been to the boardwalk
in hella long.
Yo, we gotta hit that Giant Dipper.
I don't think I've been here since I was, like, six.
Yo, Ash, you hear something?
It sounded like our long lost friend Earl,
but apparently, that dude's been out of jail
for hella long and just been ghosting us.
Okay.
Nelle, let's just ease into this.
- You know what I'm saying? - No.
I mean, Ashley invited me. Trish said it was cool.
Oh, and did y'all know that he allegedly has a girlfriend
we ain't never met?
June got tickets to see Kehlani, so she went to see Kehlani.
Oh. Oh, okay. I see.
So if your new girlfriend isn't available...
-Ah, ew, ew, ew, ew. -Nelle!
-Chill. That shit's not cute. -Chill.
Not cute.
- Hey. - Don't.
-How come Jacque didn't come? -Oh.
Um, you know, she introducing Cuddie
to her family at their Halloween party,
and then we will never see him again.
Oh, why do you say it like that?
I may have told Jacque's cousins
Nump and P-Lo to give Cuddie
some disastrous costume advice.
Okay!
Who is ready for Fright Night? Am I right?
Trish, what are you doing?
Um, oh, I'm about to use
my patent Trish and Jacque move.
Okay, what move is that?
Duh, pretend to be blind
so you get a disabled pass and cut the front of the line.
No!
-Trish! -No, no, no, no, no, no.
-Now you done gone too far. -Boo.
-No, Trish. -Fuck y'all.
Trish, you can't walk like that!
Fuck y'all.
The ancestors is watching, Trish!
We should have to walk like that.
- We all have to... - God.
Wait, guys, help.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I don't want no part in this.
Look at my Tagalog queen. Damn!
-And what are you? -Oh, me?
Blah-dow! Pirate.
- I'm here for that booty. - Oh, fuck.
Okay, no, no, no.
Maybe we should just go somewhere else.
You-you don't want to go in there dressed like that.
Uh...come on, babe.
Is this about meeting your parents?
No.
-Or is this a Filipino thing? -No.
'Cause, honestly, I'm hella nervous
about meeting your pops,
so I- I did a lot of research,
and I talked to your cousin Nump...
Ugh, no!
...and there's nowhere where I ever read
there being any beef between pirates
and the Filipino community.
I mean, of course, unless you count Hook.
Like, that's straight funk.
Uh-huh.
Because Rufio.
He Filipino.
Did you know that?
I did.
I do.
And you're not a pirate. You make a cute musketeer.
I'm a pirate.
Mm-mmm, no, you're a musketeer tonight, okay?
Let's just get these buttoned up, okay?
-Okay, fine. Let's go inside. -Okay.
But don't take your coat off,
no matter what.
Okay.
Oh.
-I got you. -Cool. Thanks, babe.
Thank you. Hey, Mom.
-Hi. -Hey, Jacque. Mwah.
-This is Cuddie. -Hi. Nice to meet you.
Tall. Nice to meet you too.
-Dad's in the back. -Okay, thanks.
-Ooh, you did that one, huh? -I did.
See, that feel like a nice precursor
to your trappy mermaid saga.
It is.
Oh, is that your dad?
Bangarang, bangarang, bangarang!
Stop!
For real?
-Jacque, is your daddy... -No, no, don't say it!
-Rufio... -No!
Okay, y'all.
Blow!
With this, I can take up to three guests
to the front of every line.
Oh, my God. Y'all, this is so wrong, okay?
Why we didn't just get fast passes?
-'Cause they $300 each. -Ugh, ugh.
Okay, why y'all making such a big deal out of this?
It is a life hack, okay?
Look, y'all don't ever use
the big handicap stall in the bathroom?
-Really? -No.
Really? Okay.
Well, this is the same thing, okay?
The same exact thing. Who does it hurt?
For starters,
it's offensive to disabled people.
Girl, it's Halloween.
Everybody is being offensive today.
Ooh, look, look, look, see?
She is cosplaying being a sex worker,
and you don't see me throwing a fucking fit!
Oh, my gosh, Trish, could you please just lose
the fucking stick, okay?
They have to cut to the front of the line
because they're really disabled, okay?
Uh, Nelle, say "differently abled."
Uh, okay, wait, wait, hold up, hold up, hold up, okay.
Aren't you pretending to be Catholic right now?
-Hmm? -What?
You a Buddhist, nigga.
I'm paying homage to Deloris Van Cartier.
And I'm paying homage to fucking blind people.
-No. -Uh...
Nigga, you are not blind.
And you are not Deloris.
Be cool.
How could you not tell me your daddy is Rufio?
How has it not come up
that you're this obsessed with Hook?
It was one of my favourite movies growing up.
Look, I am not emotionally equipped
for this moment right now.
It's okay. Come on.
Hey, Dad, look who's here.
It's my boyfriend, who you promised to be nice to.
Mr. Basco, it's a pleasure to meet you.
Ooh.
You are tall, man. Real tall.
Well, you know, I know everything about you
from watching your... from watching Jacque
just talk about you so much, about what a great swords...
-Dad- dad and father you are. -Be cool.
My daughter...
says you're a banker.
I mean, what's that like?
Uh, you know, it's real cool.
You know, I- I work in a bank bank.
I count money, collect debt, sail the high seas of finance,
but-but not like a pirate.
- Oh, God. - Huh?
Hey, who just said pirate?
- Oh, my God. - Oh, nah, nah, nah.
I said, "Not a pirate."
Ooh.
Shit. It's a long way down.
Who the fuck are you texting?
-It's none of your business. -What you saying?
What you sending? You sending some pictures?
Can you mind your own business? Back up, Smash.
'Cause if we fall, I'ma kick your ass.
-Stop. -Ow.
I was gonna wait to tell you this,
but, um... I'm talking to Mustafa again.
Mustafa Mustafa? Like, Bali Mustafa?
-Mm-hmm. -Ooh, child. Oh, no.
So is-is June your new girlfriend?
I don't know, girlfriend is, like, a tough thing
-for me to define, you know? -Mm, yeah.
Pshh.
- I heard that. - Don't do that.
- Nelle.
You said that he didn't double down for you.
Okay, well, you and Miles are not
the only tragic love story, Ash, okay?
'Cause I been married to a motherfucker too,
and you don't know what it was like.
Are you dating somebody?
It's tragic, Earl.
My heart is telling me I'm in love with Jacque.
- The fuck? - Mm.
And she's with Cuddie.
Okay, well, fine. Fine.
I am so happy for you, Nelle.
Everybody, I'm so happy for my friend Nelle...look.
Okay, now you being a fucking jerk.
-Look, I'm smiling. -Okay.
My best fucking friend is moving back to Bali!
Wow, I didn't even say that I was going back to...
you know what, fine.
Bet, Ash. You got it. Never mind.
Wait, I lightweight thought you already were with Jacque.
And niggas thought you was with Janelle.
Oh, no, she mad at me
because I didn't keep in contact when I got sent back.
Hmm.
Which, like, I get it, but sometimes...
...going there just complicates shit out here.
And no disrespect to y'all.
It's just, some shit,
y'all just can't understand about that.
Mm.
But that doesn't mean
I don't care about her, you know?
Nice monologue, brother. You gonna tell her that?
I'm just saying, it seems unhealthy.
Tss.
Well, I don't think that healthy
is your area of expertise lately.
You gonna tell Jacque you in love with her?
I mean, I don't need to tell that girl nothing,
because once her and Cuddie are done,
the wifedom is back.
Ooh, that reminds me.
I need to text P-Lo.
Oh...
Pirate!
-What? -Ah, hell nah!
You been a pirate this whole time?
We been gigging with you.
Is nothing sacred?
I know how this looks!
Can we please not do this?
You a pirate, pare! We kill pirates!
Oh, every fucking time!
Whenever I bring a boy home, my dad challenges him
to a sword fight,
and when you lose,
it means you're a pirate forever.
All I ever wanted to be was a Lost Boy.
But can he fight? Can he fly?
Can he...
Babe, don't worry. I was born for this.
I got hands.
I am fly.
I can't crow...
but I can "Yee!"
Yee!
Ooh!
Ha!
"Cheese Palace's Cheese Chalice.
Complete the Goblet of Cheese Challenge."
What the fuck is a goblet of cheese?
Fuck around and find out.
Yo, this is delicious.
There's gotta be, like, ten different high-end cheeses
in this fondue.
That sound disgusting.
Yo, we should get on the giant teacups.
A'ight, let me get my blind stick ready.
No, Ash, back me up here.
Well, I'm all about gaming the system.
If you can make life a little bit easier,
do that shit.
Period, my nigga.
Who does it hurt?
Well, can you just at least get rid of the cane?
Fine, Nelle, yes, I'll get rid of the cane
and just feel around, but, you know,
this is me and Jacque's tradition,
and I don't see nothing wrong with it.
- Damn, that's a good goblet. - Mm-hmm.
Okay, y'all are really hyping it. Let me try it.
I'ma try it. Let's see.
'Cause it look disgusting.
Don't knock it till you... you know?
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Oh.
Oh, that shit good.
Right. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, that's good, Earl. Mm-hmm.
Hey, see, y'all?
That line was a 45-minute wait,
and we walked right in, okay?
You're welcome.
I don't know, y'all.
Like, I- I'm hella scared of haunted houses, okay?
I've been to prison. This for sure not scary.
Which door are we taking, y'all?
Mm...
this one?
Okay, well, you know,
as long as we all stay together, you know?
Uh-huh. Yeah, girl. we right there.
Safety in numbers now.
Mmm.
Let's hit the other one.
We gonna let them work that one out.
Ashley? Trish?
Shit. I think they got 'em.
See? Fuck, Earl!
This is...we are not supposed to get separated, okay?
And this is what we get for posing as fucking disabled.
Differently abled.
- Boo! - Oh, God!
- Ah! - Ah!
Whoa!
Why didn't you just go to Jacque's tonight, huh?
We could've came here another night.
Ugh, because her family has this Halloween party
every year, and she wanted to take Cuddie alone.
Oh, okay, so you just invited us
to make her jealous,
because y'all used to come here all the time?
That's cool. That's fine.
Ashley, yes.
And also, fuck Cuddie, because I am the one
who usually goes to those fucking family gatherings, yo.
Groundhog's Day. Veteran's Day.
We used to be getting hype for Cinco de Mayo,
'cause you know they basically some Mexicans.
Why don't you just tell her how you feel, okay?
Stop scheming, nigga, and just be honest.
Boo!
Boo.
What was that?
Oh.
How you ladies doing? Y'all like hip-hop?
- Oh, shit! - Oh! No!
Blasphemy, nigga! In the name of mixtape!
That shit sucks. Go, go, go, go!
So you and June, huh?
I mean, yeah, we were together at high school,
and then we reconnected, and yeah.
It's been really good.
I mean, we just didn't know
what the hell had happened to you,
and you cut us off like we didn't matter to you, so...
All right, it's...
I just retreat to what I can control.
I'm sorry, though.
I'm not trying to hurt y'all or nothing.
I guess I'm sorry too. I...
Like, I didn't know, you know? So...
I just...
Fuck it. Like, I missed you.
No, like, you're important to me.
You're important to me too.
Can we, like...
Like, hug it out? Yeah, sure.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm really glad you're okay.
Well, I'm getting there.
Oh.
Yo, who is Mustafa?
It's my ex-husband.
What?
I never mentioned that?
-Oh! -Oh, God damn.
I hate fucking clowns.
Eh, no, you don't, 'cause you fucking with my brother.
You funny.
-You! -Damn, nigga!
Hey, yo, chill, chill.
Look, look, look, look, look.
My name Guapdad.
This my new mixtape, Scamboy Color.
Yeah. Look, you been dodging it.
Go ahead, take that, and it's all slaps.
I promise you I'm finna be
one of the biggest niggas of all time.
Like, hella big, at the Grammys,
15-foot-long do-rag dragging on these motherfuckers,
letting these bitches know I'm that nigga.
Uh, but why?
Are you making eye contact with me?
Girl, you're pretending to be a blind nun?
Ah, nigga, you got me.
Okay, I'm just trying to get to the front of the line.
Who does it hurt?
You, 'cause you don't even need to be blind to do that.
Why?
Neither of y'all got ADD?
Okay, okay, Janelle, here you go, bitch.
I've just been informed of some interesting news.
The boardwalk's website says, "Our disability program
"grants guests with qualified impairments
special access to our parks."
What are the impairments?
"ADHD, bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety,
and PTSD are all accommodated."
Bitch, we only need one person with disabilities,
and we have three.
Yes, yes, because I do... I do have ADHD.
Earl has PTSD.
You can't say that. I can say that.
You can't say that, though.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Brother, you're triggered.
And Ashley... Ashley's depressed.
-I am not depressed. -I'm not triggered.
And I'm not depressed.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Can we please, please cut in front
of some of these lines?
Or do you have any more objections, Janelle?
I was just speaking up for real disabled people.
- No. - No.
- No. No, no, no, no, no. - Oh, ooh.
So now mental health isn't real?
-I never said that. -Damn, Nelle.
I ain't know you was gonna be a bigot for Halloween.
Whoa! Okay, y'all really reaching now, okay?
'Cause that's not what I meant. What- what I mean...
what I was trying to say...
Aw, fuck. You know what? I'm not...
I'm not really thinking straight
'cause, you know, something for real is wrong
with my stomach.
Earl, what the fuck is in this goblet of cheese?
Oh, in the cheese chalice? Cheese, nigga.
I gots to go.
She trippin'.
This is literally the best drink food
I have ever had.
Move, bitch, get out the way! Shit!
Don't fucking judge me. Shit, I gotta go!
Hey! Hey, yo!
Hey! Hey, come on!
Shit, I got the bubble guts!
Shit!
Fuck you, fucking piece of sh...
- Who does it hurt? - That's so wrong.
- Ahh! - Catch!
Aha!
- Oh! - Ooh!
Bangarang, bangarang, bangarang!
-Do you yield, pirate? -Kill the pirate!
Kill the pirate!
I'm not a pirate! I'm just a banker!
Kill the banker!
Do you yield?
I...I...
Damn it, Dad, stop it!
I don't care about this stupid test, okay?
I get to choose who I'm with.
Babe, are you okay?
Babe, what hurts the most
is, you the best damn thing that ever happened to me.
And now... we'll never be together.
Look. Look!
My daughter is a brilliant artist
and a successful businesswoman.
I just want to make sure whoever she's with is worthy.
And you clearly mean a lot to Jacque.
You know, she's never actually fought
for any other guy.
Plus you're a banker, and, uh, if you two
eventually have children, you'll raise the average height
of this family by at least two feet.
I'd say that's upward mobility in two ways.
You mean...
You're a Lost Boy, baby.
I'm a Lost Boy! I'm a fucking Lost Boy!
Attention, the park will be
closing in ten minutes.
Trish, hold up!
Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Ha.
We're doing the last ride,
and uh, there's people ahead of you.
Oh, oh, oh, yo, it's cool
'cause we are differently disabled.
Oh.
I have ADHD, he got PTSD, she is...
- I'm a hypocrite. - Mm-hmm.
And she's depressed.
Okay, yeah, I-I see it.
Get on.
Oh, I'll take your-your bags.
Oh, all right, hang on.
Appreciate it.
Oh, you're gonna have to rack your goblet, sir.
Oh. Okay. Oh, yeah. Right.
Rack it, Earl. Rack it. Let's go. Giant Dipper.
Fuck it. I'll just chug it.
Hey, bitch.
Hey.
Look where I am at.
Bitch, I am at the Giant Dipper.
Back on my Trish and Jacque blind trick.
Throwback!
The old days.
Wait, we probably shouldn't do that anymore.
-It's kinda mean. -Huh.
Oh, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. You right.
Hey, check this out, girl.
We really missed you this year.
Hey!
They knighted me a Lost Boy!
Cool, dude.
-All right, bye, girl. -Bye.
Gotta go. Love you.
Cuddied again.
I did it. I'm the King of Cheese.
Everyone, the King of Cheese!
Huzzah, huzzah!
The King of Cheese Chalice Cheese Challenge conquers all.
Huzzah, huzzah! Huzzah, huzzah!
Thank you. You may arise, all of you.
- Time for my ride. - Yes, come on, Earl.
- Shit. - Thank you, my liege.
Your highness. Sit down.
-Ah, noble steed. -Here we go.
All right, y'all! Here we go!
-Whoo! -Oh, my God.
My heart is going crazy. Oh, shit!
Ooh!
Hey, y'all, hey, I fucking love y'all.
I love y'all so much. Thank you for inviting me.
I love...
I forgot how much I love roller coasters.
I love roller coasters! Oh, my God.
-It's gonna be great. -Yes, it's gonna be awesome.
-It's gonna be great. -Here we go, shit!
Hey, I'm the King of Ch...
-I'm the King of Cheese! -Oh, shit!
Let's go!
Oh, man!
This shit hella fun!
-Oh, my goodness. -Oh, my God.
Whew. Shit.
Oh, I'm glad I went to the bathroom
before we got on this shit, Earl.
Whew.
Father forgive me, for I have had fun.
You really think I'm depressed?
Girlfriend is trippin'.
Yeah.