-Psst. Hi. Hey. Everything's fucked!
Yeah, you better wake up.
We're alone, we're hungry, and we have to shit!
Okay, ready? Three, two…
-Food! Poop! Now!
We need the titties!
-Give us the grande hot titty juice!
You're okay, bud.
Hey, Becca, it's me! I'm showing up, I'm ready to do love!
-Food me! Poop me! Do titties better! -The baby got its Need Demon?
-Assigned yesterday, welcome to the team. -Oh, no, I'm actually Becca's bug.
Oh, you're with Titties!
Well, then why won't she put them in our mouth the way we want?
Wow. You-- You are intense.
Yeah, I'm a fuckin' Need Demon!
-Well, hey. Hey, Mama. How's things, girl?
Really good.
Two days ago, I took an eight-pound shit, and now it screams at me every hour!
Okay, unflinching look at motherhood. Ladies and gentlemen, Ali Wong--
No, I'm in no mood to go meta right now, okay?
I'm exhausted. And you ditched me at the hospital!
Oh, let's forget about the old Emmy and the mistakes that dumb hussy made.
I'm the new Emmy! I show up!
With a gift. Look. And it did use to have a head.
-Now our tummy hurts!
-Okay, maybe it needs to, um, Becca?
Can we sleep now?
Oh. Are you Becca's Need Demon? I-- I'm Emmy, I-- I-- I'm her new Lovebug.
-Wow, big pipes on that one.
Give sleep. Give food. Give death.
-She can sleep when the kid is in college.
-Shh. Please shut up. Please shut up.
Uh, you-- you're doing so good. Motherly love!
-Woot-woot! -You definitely shut up.
Hey! I'm doing my best, okay?
Oh, don't be a fucking crybaby, I already have one of those.
I'm not a crybaby.
-Ugh!
-Ah, nice! Our shit came out. -What the fuck?
I'mma take ten. Text me if you need me.
Whoa. Why're you lookin' at it like that?
-How am I supposed to look at it? -With love?
I mean, wook at that wittle nose.
Wook at it. Ooh!
Those chubby wittle thighs…
-What the fuck are you doing?
Trying to glow!
-Oh, my God, you can't even glow? -Well…
No wonder I don't love this thing.
You don't love the baby?
Well, maybe I would if I didn't have a JV-ass Lovebug who can't do her job!
Well, how am I supposed to do my job if you don't love the baby?
-Come on, come on, come on… Yes!
Ka-ching!
What the hell are you doing here?
A mother who doesn't love her own baby and a Lovebug who can't glow?
I've won the Shame Lottery!
Fuck me dot org.
Alright, smile. Ooh! You look exhausted, love.
These can feel like troubling times for we Shame Wizards who serve women.
"Body positivity." "Self-love."
"Pay equity."
We wonder, is female shame a thing of the past?
I leave you with a story.
Flying in today, I shared an exit row with a mother and daughter.
I watched Mum assure the flight attendant that her little girl's arms
were "husky enough" to open the cabin door.
She then proceeded to order herself a hot water with Splenda.
Mm.
In that moment, I felt certain of one thing,
as long as there are women, there will be shame!
-Thank you so much. Thank you.
The "Your Body, Your Fault" chapter was so devastating.
Thank you. Thank you so much!
-I'm geeking out, sorry! -Oh, no, thank you, darling!
I hope you didn't have to wait on line too long.
Wow, I can't believe I'm meeting the Shame Wizard who did Joe Paterno!
-Just a rumor. -Hello, Mummy!
Hello, Lionel. I'd forgotten you worked here.
Yes, and I think all my emails might be going to your spam?
-Hi! -There she is!
How was Becca's last night? A new mom with a brand-new squishy baby?
You must be glowing like cray all day!
Yeah, I-- I'm actually not glowing that, that much.
Or, like, at all.
-And when I try to, I kind of fart? -Oh, no!
Not all new parents bond with the baby right away.
-Really? -Sometimes you get a slow-glow.
And that's totally normal!
-Have you had that happen? -Me? Oh, hell no.
-I glow fast and I glow hard. -But again, no shame in it!
That's right. As long as your slow-glow doesn't turn into a no-glow.
Oh, yeah, a no-glow, there is definitely shame in that.
Look. My glow is not the problem here.
It's Becca's own fault she can't love right.
That woman is a pill.
Whoa! Emmy. You can't be talking about your clients that way.
You should hear the way she talks to me.
Not to be mean, but she's rancid to her core,
and I really do hope she dies of a brand-new cancer.
-Emmy! -I wasn't-- I said "not to be mean"!
Okay. Did you learn nothing from our training day?
Our clients are our babies.
And if we don't love our babies, they won't love themselves.
And if they don't love themselves, they'll never love their babies.
I'm sorry, do you mind if I grab a breath mint
since you're both shitting down my throat at the same time?
-Oh, honey, we were just trying to help. -I know, I know.
You just…
You don't have to be such "Beccas" about it.
Ugh, Maury. I'm sorry to keep doing this. I forgot my goddamn password again.
Ugh! It's "jizz" with six z's and a pound sign.
What are your boys doing here? Shouldn't they be at school?
There was a crabs outbreak at their cumdergarten.
One dirty dick, and they gotta shut down the whole damn place.
-Aww. Daddy's sorry for raising his voice.
Daddy loves you.
Oh, man. You gonna be able to handle that chode-load at work?
I-- I-- I'll manage somehow.
Okay. Let's see, I've got a kid who's found his dad's Fleshlight,
a glory hole grand opening…
Well, I would offer to dicksit, but…
Oh, yeah, no-- no way.
You could-- You could never handle all these dicks.
-What's that supposed to mean? -Nothing!
It's just a lot of responsibility,
and you're, you know, kind of a-- a hot fuck-up.
How dare you, you sexy shithead?
Look, I'm just saying, you're not really a kid person.
Well, I'd be a great dicksitter, so it's your loss.
Alright, okay, so you think you can do it?
Of course I do!
-Great! -It is great.
Then you'll need the rundown.
First, they eat Cool Ranch Doritos only, comprende?
-Mm-hm. -Chew 'em up, then…
Baby-bird the paste into their mouth holes.
-Hey, Connie! -I'm listening! "Cool Ranch."
Also, you have to jerk them off every two hours.
Yeah. I get it.
And make sure they get a nap before 3:00, or they'll turn into real assholes.
Maury, I got it! This ain't my first dick rodeo.
-Yee-haw! Texas forev-- Ow! Shit!
Not bad for a first time out.
Well, that doesn't reassure me, but I’m grateful for the flashback.
Oh, Mummy, you should have seen the shame on the young mother's face.
There she was with her darling newborn, right?
And I flew right in and I said… I, uh, mm…
-Mummy? -Mm? Oh, I'm listening, darling.
Important email to my publicist.
Well, uh, um… I said your catchphrase, "Flawed women are failed women."
Er… Look, I'll show you the photo.
Mummy? Mummy, do you see it, Mummy?
It's "Rita" in the workplace, please.
Mm. She cried, I'm sure?
Uh… Well, no. She was about to, but then they cut to the main titles--
Sorry I'm late, peaches.
Kitty! At last!
Uh… Oh. Are there other chairs?
-Oh, just take Lionel's. -What?
You-- You don't mind floating, do you, dear?
Oh. Well. Yes, Mummy.
It's been too long! How's the depression game?
Busy as always.
I partnered with Amazon last month.
-How exciting!
Yes, I've got thousands of warehouse workers
in a state of deep existential ennui.
Wow! You know, Lionel almost got a woman to cry yesterday.
Well, I am almost impressed.
Mummy, don't forget about your publicist!
The email? Mummy gets lots of important emails.
Just not from me, eh. They go to her spam.
Lionel, please.
So, what's new with you, sweetness?
Nothing really. Notre Shame just invited me to give the commencement speech again.
Oh! I went to Notre Shame!
Hey, remember how proud you'd have been if you'd come to my graduation?
Lionel, just-- just be a dear
and-- and fetch Kitty a saucer of milk, would you?
Yes, Mummy.
-Oh, take your time, Lionel.
Come on, I know you're hungry.
We're fucking starving!
Why aren't you squeezing the booby into a sandwich?
Didn't you listen to that bitch at the hospital?
What if the baby starves? Oh God, you'll be a baby murderer!
They'll talk about me on Inside Edition.
And then send you to jail,
where there's nothing to watch but Inside Edition!
Why do you think breastfeeding is impossible for you
when it comes so naturally to other, better women?
Could you guys please leave me alone and just let me--
Cry? You gonna cry? You gonna cry 'cause of what I said, are you?
Oh, I don't want to cry, I want to fucking scream!
I'm sorry about these mood swings, Becca-boo!
I'm just a little dickstracted.
-Zachary! No! No humpies!
Those dicks look pretty rowdy. Maybe they need to be jerked off?
Maybe you need to be jerked off!
I do! But I haven't found ethical porn that I like!
Hi! How's my favorite client who I love and adore, of course?
-How does it fucking look? -Okay. Actively meaner today, got it.
The baby won't eat, I haven't slept in days, and my nipples are so sore!
-"Sore"? -We're fucking totaled!
-Why are you so bad at this? -We can't take it anymore!
-Ew! Your gross nips talk?
We also sing.
Oh. Oh boy.
Oh, lovely.
Oh, that's it! You really nailed it, everyone. Well done.
This is all your fucking fault!
I am doing my best, okay, lady?
Oh, shit. I suck.
-Why can't I just bond with this baby? -And why aren't you nicer to me?
And why won't these dicks eat their chips?
-Oh, dear, have I made everyone cry?
What, oh, what will my mummy say?
"Good job, Lionel! You're better than Kitty."
"And I'm finally giving you my home address!"
-Yes, yes, that's what she'll say.
Man, I really needed this after the morning I've had.
Yeah. Just glad I could help.
Like, not to throw the word around, but Becca is toxic.
Becca is a bitch. But she's not here right now. I am.
-So let's just, you know, let's focus. -You're right!
-It's just, I wish I could ask Sonya… -Shh-shh.
…for advice, but, I mean, look at her!
Baby. It-- It-- Listen, it just sounds like you need a little time to reflect,
which is totally fine because I just put some bath salts up my ass
and they are really starting to kick in and--
Oh, okay.
So I'm gonna go outside
and I'm just going to get in a fistfight with a telephone pole and…
Celery, yes!
-Hey, you're Becca's Need Demon, right?
You okay, bud? Do you maybe want like a appetizer or--
Food! Yes! Give! Give.
Ha-ha. I'm cool though, I'm cool.
But food now please?
Some mozz sticks before I kill myself right here in front of you. Haha!
Oh, wow. Excuse me, uh, waiter?
I mean, who does this baby think it is with all its demands?
Fuck, these are good!
Becca's really only slept four hours since Friday?
-Yeah. -Brutal.
Need napkin, give napkin!
-Oh, uh, here, sure.
I don't want to exist!
Yikes on bikes.
Sorry. I'm just not myself.
I'm a very cool demon normally!
Sure, yeah! I've eaten a napkin!
Oh, man. You should've seen me do my thing before the baby.
-Me and Becca were a fuckin' team.
Anything we wanted, we got.
-We just took it.
Whenever, wherever… We just… We ruled, man!
You know what it's like to fly?
-Wait, wait, wait. Becca?
That cranky, dry bitch used to party?
Oh, hell yeah! Those were the days!
But now look at me.
-A worthless little wisp.
Shit!
-Shit, sorry. -I deserve this.
No, you don't! Hey, hey, you are still cool.
-Yeah? -Dude, totally.
You're just going through some really hard shit right now.
Yeah! And same with Becca.
-Well, no. I mean, Becca's just kind of a… -Lawyer?
-No. -Woman?
-No. -Female lawyer?
No, she's kind of a, you know, a c-word?
-A-- A cunt-face? -Yes, that's right.
Nah. She's just overwhelmed. She's a new mom. It's hard, man.
Yeah, I-- I guess it is hard to be a new mom.
Oh, shit. Am I the cunt-face?
Uh… Hey, you gonna eat that receipt?
Oh, honey, I'm sorry, I am, yeah.
Sorry, Gav, say again?
I said, "Oh, she can't hear me."
And before that I said, "Don't ignore me, I'll dox your fucking family!"
And before that, I said, "Smells yummy."
Well, thanks, it's for Maury's children that happen to be genitals.
Oh, right, you're the nanny today. Where are the little cuties?
In my office, being terrorists!
Oh, Gavin, I don't know what to do.
I'm gettin' arthritos from all these Doritos.
-Relax. They won't starve in a day! -Phew!
As long as you're jerking 'em off every two hours, you'll be fine.
Oh, I've been definitely jerkin' them off every two hours, for sure.
For sure, for sure.
Good. 'Cause you know what happens if you don't.
Absolutely. Absolutely I know that.
Okay, I'm gonna go run away now for an unrelated reason.
Alright, time for Gavin to warm up his tuna soup.
-Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
-Ahh!
So, fuckin' and multiplyin'? That's what happens?
-That's a lotta dicks. -Yeah.
Better get 'em to nap before 3:00 or they'll turn into real assholes.
Really? Are you mommy-shaming me, Pete?
No, of course not, you're not their mother.
-Hey. Is there something on my back? -No! You good!
I'm telling you, it's on HBO and it's hilarious.
And you say it's called Chernobyl? I'll write it down in my phone.
They kill a bunch of dogs in the fourth episode…
It's a hoot.
There you are, Mummy. Oh, I've been searching high and low.
-Well, you found me. What fortune. -Indeed.
Yes, I brought you a special present, look! Shame tears!
They're fresh from that tortured husk of a new mother I told you about!
I'll pass. Kitty cracked a jar of her depression tears,
and, frankly, I'm still a bit goosed.
Ugh, depression tears?
But, Mummy, I harvested these shame tears myself!
It was hard, it was very hard, but I did it for you!
-Please don't laugh at me. Please, Mummy.
No. I'm sorry, darling, you just made such a face.
"It was so hard, Mommy."
It's pronounced… No, listen, shut up. It's pronounced "Mummy"!
Oh, Lionel, come back.
We'll miss you too much.
-Come on, guys, settle down.
-It's nap time for Christ's sake. Fuck!
-There's so many of you!
Here! Look what I got.
I got some SpongeDick SquareBalls to doze off to.
Aw, that's not a pussy, silly!
-They're sweet. -Gonna turn into some real assholes soon.
Now why do people keep saying that about these cute little--
-Oh, fuck.
What are they-- Stop! Stop that! Don't do that. Not you, dear Zachary!
Buy us cigarettes and take us to the horse track!
Fuck you! Don't fuckin' touch me, Mark.
Blow it out ya face, Shawn.
Timbah!
You say somethin' about my sistah Heathah?
You say something about my pahtnah, Theodore?
Could you not do that on my desk? Goddamn assholes!
"Real assholes." Okay, yeah, that makes sense in rectumspect.
Listen, whatever Father Brian did to you, Tommy, you keep it to yourself.
Oh, God, I have failed these youths.
Oh! Shit, sorry! I didn't know you were… What are you doing?
Can't wipe yet. Too raw.
-Ooph! I did not know that was part of it.
Oh, I… You know, I, uh, heard you used to be kind of awesome.
You mean before I had to cold-press my tits and squirt-gun my--
-God damn it. Why'd I look down? -Why'd you look down?
I think it's gonna die. My pussy.
No, no, it won't! It'll heal, and you'll, um, get head from Barry again!
Oh, big whoop.
And, someday, you'll even party like before.
And you'll eat spicy chicken sandwiches.
But it won't be the same. Nothing will ever be the same.
She's right. Parenthood makes everything awful.
-Fuck you. -It really does.
She's always leaking from somewhere.
What if the rest of your life is just open-ended suffering?
A fitting destiny for an unfit parent.
-Alright, everybody.
Ooh, a reprise!
-No, no! Hey! No!
That song is not helpful. Everybody out!
Hey! Don't get the assholes wet.
They've done enough gremlin-y bullshit today.
Wicked good fuckin' movie.
Out! Go! This woman is busted, and she needs some peace and quiet!
You can't shut me out! You're not my mummy!
You, too, Lionel. Go!
That's better.
Thanks. Are you being nice to me out of pity?
A little. But I-- I also think I respect you now?
Oh. Well, that's new.
Yeah. Yeah-- Yeah, your life is so shitty right now. Like this?
This is actually you doing your best, just like I've been doing my best.
And if we're being honest, my best hasn't been great.
That's, uh, really brave of you to admit. Hey, I wish you well, okay?
-Oh, I… -Are you not res--
-Not resigning, no. -No?
Yeah, I was gonna land a heartfelt speech
and then I guess… …hope to grow into my role?
Okay, cool. Yeah, love that.
Great. 'Cause I think we can do this.
I just… I don't think we can.
It's going so bad. And I'm such a mess.
You are. You are, but see,
that's what I learned from your Need Demon.
That old, good Becca and new, messy, dead-pussy Becca
are actually the same person who's not a total bitch-menace!
-Okay… -Hang on, not done!
-And I think that all of those Beccas
are gonna be a great mom.
-Wait, are you…
Oh! A little bit, yeah.
My booty's glowing.
-The baby's not even here. -I guess this one's for you.
Oh, that's nice. And warm.
Thank you.
Hey, can you shut the fuck up?
I'm finally about to get some sleep.
Right, right, sorry.
I'm a good wizard. I work hard.
I've done everything you've ever shamed me into.
So tell me one thing, Mummy. What does Kitty have that I don't?
If you must know, a tight little butthole
and a rough tongue.
Kitty!
I-- I-- I thought I'd found Mummy quite alone.
Well, sugar, you found Mummy quite getting fucked.
-What? -Oh, dear. I thought he knew.
How could I have possibly known?
Oh, honey, we haven't been exactly subtle.
Really?
-Oh. Oh! I did miss that, didn't I? Yeah.
Mm…
I didn't catch it, no.
Ah! Yes, well, nearly but not quite.
Alright. I think I've got the general-- Hang on! Christmas morning?
Are you telling me this has gone on since December?
Well, not exactly, no.
-All those years… Shameless. -What are you mumbling, Lionel? Speak up.
You're shameless!
Bite your tongue.
We're talking about your tongue, Mummy!
You're the one bopping around all lickily-tickly with Kitty!
And what son could ever compete with that big pussy's tiny b-hole?
Wait a minute. It sounds like he wants to fuck you.
I'll never make you happy the way she does, will I, Mummy?
Sweet Jesus. He does!
We're Shame Wizards, darling. Of course he does.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, not anymore I don't!
And I'll tell you why, I'll tell you why!
Because you're a bad, bad mummy!
-Eh? I glowed for Becca,
then I glowed for the baby.
My ass loves those guys now!
Aw, it suits you cute!
I feel like it's basically as bright as Rochelle's, don't you think?
Look at us! We're glow-twins!
Whoa! Okay. Yeah, glow twins.
-Hey, hey! Let us out! -Open the bag, sweetheart!
-I gotta take a wicked fuckin' piss here! -Hold it in, AJ!
Yeah, and I told him Fleshlights are for fucking, and not for eating out,
but the kid wouldn't listen.
-No shitting in the bag. -Here are your dicks back, Maury.
Same quantity and condition as before. Bye for a long time.
-Wait, wait. Connie, Connie, Connie.
This is a bag of like 500 assholes, isn't it?
That's… Yeah, that's correct.
Connie!
Well, I'm sorry! I just…
I accidentally didn't do any of the things you told me to.
I knew you weren't ready. Being a parent is hard, isn't it?
No, man, it's stupid! Are you mad? Probably mad, huh?
Oh, it's fine. Usually I just send the batches of assholes to Boston.
They seem to thrive there.
-You suck! -Fuck the Yankees to death!
Here's your beer, babe.
Oh shit, Shauna, we're on the kiss cam! Pucker up!
Oh, hello… Rita.
I've come to sign your copy, if you like. Before I leave.
Well, if you want to. Makes no difference to me.
You know, at my last tour stop, Terry Gross asked me
what the greatest shame of my life had been.
Oh.
What did you say?
I said, "my son, Lionel."
-You did? -Of course.
Listen, about Kitty. Oh, she's a fun girl. Big heart. Eensy little butthole.
Yes, yes, alright, I get it.
But at the end of the day, she's just someone I fuck.
I don't think I've shamed her even once in all these years.
-Oh! -You, on the other hand,
I'll be torturing you for the rest of time.
That's because you love me?
-No, dear. It's because I'm your mummy.
"Thank you for reading. M."
God, what I wouldn't give for one night with her.