1
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:23,166
-Psst. Hi. Hey. Everything's fucked!
2
00:00:23,250 --> 00:00:25,125
Yeah, you better wake up.
3
00:00:25,208 --> 00:00:28,708
We're alone, we're hungry,
and we have to shit!
4
00:00:28,791 --> 00:00:31,458
Okay, ready? Three, two…
5
00:00:31,541 --> 00:00:34,166
-Food! Poop! Now!
6
00:00:34,250 --> 00:00:35,708
We need the titties!
7
00:00:35,791 --> 00:00:38,750
-Give us the grande hot titty juice!
8
00:00:38,833 --> 00:00:40,000
You're okay, bud.
9
00:00:40,083 --> 00:00:44,208
Hey, Becca, it's me!
I'm showing up, I'm ready to do love!
10
00:00:44,291 --> 00:00:49,375
-Food me! Poop me! Do titties better!
-The baby got its Need Demon?
11
00:00:49,458 --> 00:00:53,708
-Assigned yesterday, welcome to the team.
-Oh, no, I'm actually Becca's bug.
12
00:00:53,791 --> 00:00:55,958
Oh, you're with Titties!
13
00:00:56,041 --> 00:00:59,916
Well, then why won't she put them
in our mouth the way we want?
14
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:02,333
Wow. You-- You are intense.
15
00:01:02,416 --> 00:01:05,625
Yeah, I'm a fuckin' Need Demon!
16
00:01:05,708 --> 00:01:09,750
-Well, hey. Hey, Mama. How's things, girl?
17
00:01:09,833 --> 00:01:10,666
Really good.
18
00:01:10,750 --> 00:01:14,791
Two days ago, I took an eight-pound shit,
and now it screams at me every hour!
19
00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:19,041
Okay, unflinching look at motherhood.
Ladies and gentlemen, Ali Wong--
20
00:01:19,125 --> 00:01:21,375
No, I'm in no mood
to go meta right now, okay?
21
00:01:21,458 --> 00:01:24,166
I'm exhausted.
And you ditched me at the hospital!
22
00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:29,708
Oh, let's forget about the old Emmy
and the mistakes that dumb hussy made.
23
00:01:29,791 --> 00:01:32,541
I'm the new Emmy! I show up!
24
00:01:32,625 --> 00:01:35,291
With a gift. Look.
And it did use to have a head.
25
00:01:35,375 --> 00:01:37,208
-Now our tummy hurts!
26
00:01:37,291 --> 00:01:40,583
-Okay, maybe it needs to, um, Becca?
27
00:01:40,666 --> 00:01:42,000
Can we sleep now?
28
00:01:42,083 --> 00:01:47,333
Oh. Are you Becca's Need Demon?
I-- I'm Emmy, I-- I-- I'm her new Lovebug.
29
00:01:47,416 --> 00:01:49,500
-Wow, big pipes on that one.
30
00:01:49,583 --> 00:01:53,291
Give sleep. Give food. Give death.
31
00:01:53,375 --> 00:01:57,625
-She can sleep when the kid is in college.
32
00:01:57,708 --> 00:01:59,916
-Shh. Please shut up. Please shut up.
33
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:03,625
Uh, you-- you're doing so good.
Motherly love!
34
00:02:03,708 --> 00:02:06,041
-Woot-woot!
-You definitely shut up.
35
00:02:06,125 --> 00:02:08,291
Hey! I'm doing my best, okay?
36
00:02:08,375 --> 00:02:11,166
Oh, don't be a fucking crybaby,
I already have one of those.
37
00:02:11,250 --> 00:02:12,833
I'm not a crybaby.
38
00:02:12,916 --> 00:02:13,750
-Ugh!
39
00:02:13,833 --> 00:02:15,958
-Ah, nice! Our shit came out.
-What the fuck?
40
00:02:16,041 --> 00:02:17,791
I'mma take ten. Text me if you need me.
41
00:02:17,875 --> 00:02:19,833
Whoa. Why're you lookin' at it like that?
42
00:02:19,916 --> 00:02:22,083
-How am I supposed to look at it?
-With love?
43
00:02:22,166 --> 00:02:24,416
I mean, wook at that wittle nose.
44
00:02:24,500 --> 00:02:25,791
Wook at it. Ooh!
45
00:02:25,875 --> 00:02:28,000
Those chubby wittle thighs…
46
00:02:28,083 --> 00:02:29,875
-What the fuck are you doing?
47
00:02:29,958 --> 00:02:30,791
Trying to glow!
48
00:02:30,875 --> 00:02:33,291
-Oh, my God, you can't even glow?
-Well…
49
00:02:33,375 --> 00:02:36,250
No wonder I don't love this thing.
50
00:02:36,333 --> 00:02:39,208
You don't love the baby?
51
00:02:39,291 --> 00:02:44,166
Well, maybe I would if I didn't have a
JV-ass Lovebug who can't do her job!
52
00:02:44,250 --> 00:02:48,291
Well, how am I supposed to do my job
if you don't love the baby?
53
00:02:48,375 --> 00:02:50,958
-Come on, come on, come on… Yes!
54
00:02:51,041 --> 00:02:52,375
Ka-ching!
55
00:02:52,458 --> 00:02:53,875
What the hell are you doing here?
56
00:02:53,958 --> 00:02:58,458
A mother who doesn't love her own baby
and a Lovebug who can't glow?
57
00:02:58,541 --> 00:03:00,583
I've won the Shame Lottery!
58
00:03:00,666 --> 00:03:02,000
Fuck me dot org.
59
00:03:02,083 --> 00:03:05,500
Alright, smile. Ooh!
You look exhausted, love.
60
00:03:42,500 --> 00:03:47,250
These can feel like troubling times
for we Shame Wizards who serve women.
61
00:03:47,333 --> 00:03:50,250
"Body positivity." "Self-love."
62
00:03:50,333 --> 00:03:51,791
"Pay equity."
63
00:03:51,875 --> 00:03:55,208
We wonder,
is female shame a thing of the past?
64
00:03:55,291 --> 00:03:57,541
I leave you with a story.
65
00:03:57,625 --> 00:04:01,416
Flying in today, I shared an exit row
with a mother and daughter.
66
00:04:01,500 --> 00:04:05,208
I watched Mum assure the flight attendant
that her little girl's arms
67
00:04:05,291 --> 00:04:08,750
were "husky enough"
to open the cabin door.
68
00:04:08,833 --> 00:04:12,750
She then proceeded to order herself
a hot water with Splenda.
69
00:04:12,833 --> 00:04:13,666
Mm.
70
00:04:13,750 --> 00:04:17,000
In that moment,
I felt certain of one thing,
71
00:04:17,083 --> 00:04:21,708
as long as there are women,
there will be shame!
72
00:04:21,791 --> 00:04:24,500
-Thank you so much. Thank you.
73
00:04:25,041 --> 00:04:27,208
The "Your Body, Your Fault" chapter
was so devastating.
74
00:04:27,291 --> 00:04:28,833
Thank you. Thank you so much!
75
00:04:28,916 --> 00:04:31,833
-I'm geeking out, sorry!
-Oh, no, thank you, darling!
76
00:04:31,916 --> 00:04:33,833
I hope you didn't have to wait
on line too long.
77
00:04:33,916 --> 00:04:38,250
Wow, I can't believe I'm meeting
the Shame Wizard who did Joe Paterno!
78
00:04:38,333 --> 00:04:41,083
-Just a rumor.
-Hello, Mummy!
79
00:04:41,166 --> 00:04:44,125
Hello, Lionel.
I'd forgotten you worked here.
80
00:04:44,208 --> 00:04:49,083
Yes, and I think all my emails
might be going to your spam?
81
00:04:50,500 --> 00:04:52,666
-Hi!
-There she is!
82
00:04:52,750 --> 00:04:57,750
How was Becca's last night?
A new mom with a brand-new squishy baby?
83
00:04:57,833 --> 00:05:00,750
You must be glowing like cray all day!
84
00:05:00,833 --> 00:05:04,833
Yeah, I-- I'm actually
not glowing that, that much.
85
00:05:04,916 --> 00:05:06,166
Or, like, at all.
86
00:05:06,250 --> 00:05:08,916
-And when I try to, I kind of fart?
-Oh, no!
87
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,333
Not all new parents
bond with the baby right away.
88
00:05:11,416 --> 00:05:12,958
-Really?
-Sometimes you get a slow-glow.
89
00:05:13,041 --> 00:05:14,250
And that's totally normal!
90
00:05:14,333 --> 00:05:16,541
-Have you had that happen?
-Me? Oh, hell no.
91
00:05:16,625 --> 00:05:19,916
-I glow fast and I glow hard.
-But again, no shame in it!
92
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:23,375
That's right. As long as your slow-glow
doesn't turn into a no-glow.
93
00:05:23,458 --> 00:05:27,083
Oh, yeah, a no-glow,
there is definitely shame in that.
94
00:05:27,166 --> 00:05:29,291
Look. My glow is not the problem here.
95
00:05:29,375 --> 00:05:31,666
It's Becca's own fault
she can't love right.
96
00:05:31,750 --> 00:05:33,000
That woman is a pill.
97
00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:35,875
Whoa! Emmy. You can't be talking
about your clients that way.
98
00:05:35,958 --> 00:05:38,083
You should hear the way she talks to me.
99
00:05:38,166 --> 00:05:40,541
Not to be mean,
but she's rancid to her core,
100
00:05:40,625 --> 00:05:43,125
and I really do hope
she dies of a brand-new cancer.
101
00:05:43,208 --> 00:05:45,291
-Emmy!
-I wasn't-- I said "not to be mean"!
102
00:05:45,375 --> 00:05:48,208
Okay. Did you learn nothing
from our training day?
103
00:05:48,291 --> 00:05:50,458
Our clients are our babies.
104
00:05:50,541 --> 00:05:53,041
And if we don't love our babies,
they won't love themselves.
105
00:05:53,125 --> 00:05:56,000
And if they don't love themselves,
they'll never love their babies.
106
00:05:56,083 --> 00:05:58,791
I'm sorry, do you mind
if I grab a breath mint
107
00:05:58,875 --> 00:06:02,416
since you're both shitting down my throat
at the same time?
108
00:06:02,500 --> 00:06:06,083
-Oh, honey, we were just trying to help.
-I know, I know.
109
00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:07,250
You just…
110
00:06:07,333 --> 00:06:09,833
You don't have to be
such "Beccas" about it.
111
00:06:09,916 --> 00:06:14,791
Ugh, Maury. I'm sorry to keep doing this.
I forgot my goddamn password again.
112
00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:18,416
Ugh! It's "jizz" with six z's
and a pound sign.
113
00:06:18,500 --> 00:06:21,500
What are your boys doing here?
Shouldn't they be at school?
114
00:06:21,583 --> 00:06:24,041
There was a crabs outbreak
at their cumdergarten.
115
00:06:24,125 --> 00:06:27,208
One dirty dick, and they gotta
shut down the whole damn place.
116
00:06:27,291 --> 00:06:30,041
-Aww. Daddy's sorry for raising his voice.
117
00:06:30,125 --> 00:06:31,375
Daddy loves you.
118
00:06:31,458 --> 00:06:34,625
Oh, man. You gonna be able to handle
that chode-load at work?
119
00:06:34,708 --> 00:06:36,333
I-- I-- I'll manage somehow.
120
00:06:36,416 --> 00:06:39,791
Okay. Let's see, I've got a kid
who's found his dad's Fleshlight,
121
00:06:39,875 --> 00:06:41,458
a glory hole grand opening…
122
00:06:41,541 --> 00:06:43,333
Well, I would offer to dicksit, but…
123
00:06:43,416 --> 00:06:44,708
Oh, yeah, no-- no way.
124
00:06:44,791 --> 00:06:47,000
You could-- You could
never handle all these dicks.
125
00:06:47,083 --> 00:06:48,791
-What's that supposed to mean?
-Nothing!
126
00:06:48,875 --> 00:06:50,791
It's just a lot of responsibility,
127
00:06:50,875 --> 00:06:54,291
and you're, you know,
kind of a-- a hot fuck-up.
128
00:06:54,375 --> 00:06:56,500
How dare you, you sexy shithead?
129
00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:59,958
Look, I'm just saying,
you're not really a kid person.
130
00:07:00,041 --> 00:07:03,125
Well, I'd be a great dicksitter,
so it's your loss.
131
00:07:03,208 --> 00:07:06,083
Alright, okay, so you think you can do it?
132
00:07:06,166 --> 00:07:07,208
Of course I do!
133
00:07:07,291 --> 00:07:08,625
-Great!
-It is great.
134
00:07:08,708 --> 00:07:10,000
Then you'll need the rundown.
135
00:07:10,083 --> 00:07:13,208
First, they eat Cool Ranch Doritos only,
comprende?
136
00:07:13,291 --> 00:07:15,666
-Mm-hm.
-Chew 'em up, then…
137
00:07:15,750 --> 00:07:18,125
Baby-bird the paste
into their mouth holes.
138
00:07:18,208 --> 00:07:20,708
-Hey, Connie!
-I'm listening! "Cool Ranch."
139
00:07:20,791 --> 00:07:23,625
Also, you have to jerk them off
every two hours.
140
00:07:23,708 --> 00:07:24,541
Yeah. I get it.
141
00:07:24,625 --> 00:07:28,041
And make sure they get a nap before 3:00,
or they'll turn into real assholes.
142
00:07:28,125 --> 00:07:31,333
Maury, I got it!
This ain't my first dick rodeo.
143
00:07:31,916 --> 00:07:34,875
-Yee-haw! Texas forev-- Ow! Shit!
144
00:07:34,958 --> 00:07:36,708
Not bad for a first time out.
145
00:07:36,791 --> 00:07:40,000
Well, that doesn't reassure me,
but I’m grateful for the flashback.
146
00:07:48,875 --> 00:07:52,291
Oh, Mummy, you should have seen
the shame on the young mother's face.
147
00:07:52,375 --> 00:07:56,250
There she was
with her darling newborn, right?
148
00:07:56,333 --> 00:08:00,500
And I flew right in and I said… I, uh, mm…
149
00:08:00,583 --> 00:08:04,000
-Mummy?
-Mm? Oh, I'm listening, darling.
150
00:08:04,083 --> 00:08:06,083
Important email to my publicist.
151
00:08:06,166 --> 00:08:11,416
Well, uh, um… I said your catchphrase,
"Flawed women are failed women."
152
00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:13,458
Er… Look, I'll show you the photo.
153
00:08:13,541 --> 00:08:16,041
Mummy? Mummy, do you see it, Mummy?
154
00:08:16,125 --> 00:08:19,125
It's "Rita" in the workplace, please.
155
00:08:19,208 --> 00:08:21,250
Mm. She cried, I'm sure?
156
00:08:21,333 --> 00:08:25,041
Uh… Well, no. She was about to,
but then they cut to the main titles--
157
00:08:25,125 --> 00:08:27,166
Sorry I'm late, peaches.
158
00:08:27,250 --> 00:08:29,625
Kitty! At last!
159
00:08:29,708 --> 00:08:32,000
Uh… Oh. Are there other chairs?
160
00:08:32,083 --> 00:08:33,750
-Oh, just take Lionel's.
-What?
161
00:08:33,833 --> 00:08:35,583
You-- You don't mind floating,
do you, dear?
162
00:08:35,666 --> 00:08:37,375
Oh. Well. Yes, Mummy.
163
00:08:37,458 --> 00:08:40,500
It's been too long!
How's the depression game?
164
00:08:40,583 --> 00:08:42,250
Busy as always.
165
00:08:42,333 --> 00:08:45,125
I partnered with Amazon last month.
166
00:08:45,208 --> 00:08:46,666
-How exciting!
167
00:08:46,750 --> 00:08:50,000
Yes, I've got thousands
of warehouse workers
168
00:08:50,083 --> 00:08:53,833
in a state of deep existential ennui.
169
00:08:53,916 --> 00:08:58,166
Wow! You know, Lionel almost
got a woman to cry yesterday.
170
00:08:58,250 --> 00:09:01,708
Well, I am almost impressed.
171
00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:06,250
Mummy, don't forget
about your publicist!
172
00:09:06,333 --> 00:09:09,708
The email? Mummy gets
lots of important emails.
173
00:09:09,791 --> 00:09:12,625
Just not from me, eh. They go to her spam.
174
00:09:12,708 --> 00:09:14,250
Lionel, please.
175
00:09:14,333 --> 00:09:17,083
So, what's new with you, sweetness?
176
00:09:17,166 --> 00:09:21,541
Nothing really. Notre Shame just invited
me to give the commencement speech again.
177
00:09:21,625 --> 00:09:23,250
Oh! I went to Notre Shame!
178
00:09:23,333 --> 00:09:26,833
Hey, remember how proud you'd have been
if you'd come to my graduation?
179
00:09:26,916 --> 00:09:28,291
Lionel, just-- just be a dear
180
00:09:28,375 --> 00:09:30,583
and-- and fetch Kitty
a saucer of milk, would you?
181
00:09:30,666 --> 00:09:31,500
Yes, Mummy.
182
00:09:31,583 --> 00:09:33,958
-Oh, take your time, Lionel.
183
00:09:36,958 --> 00:09:39,000
Come on, I know you're hungry.
184
00:09:39,083 --> 00:09:40,791
We're fucking starving!
185
00:09:40,875 --> 00:09:43,583
Why aren't you squeezing
the booby into a sandwich?
186
00:09:43,666 --> 00:09:46,000
Didn't you listen to that bitch
at the hospital?
187
00:09:46,083 --> 00:09:48,833
What if the baby starves?
Oh God, you'll be a baby murderer!
188
00:09:48,916 --> 00:09:50,916
They'll talk about me on Inside Edition.
189
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:52,333
And then send you to jail,
190
00:09:52,416 --> 00:09:54,916
where there's nothing
to watch but Inside Edition!
191
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:58,375
Why do you think
breastfeeding is impossible for you
192
00:09:58,458 --> 00:10:01,708
when it comes so naturally
to other, better women?
193
00:10:01,791 --> 00:10:05,291
Could you guys please leave me alone
and just let me--
194
00:10:05,375 --> 00:10:08,458
Cry? You gonna cry? You gonna cry
'cause of what I said, are you?
195
00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:12,208
Oh, I don't want to cry,
I want to fucking scream!
196
00:10:12,291 --> 00:10:15,000
I'm sorry about these mood swings,
Becca-boo!
197
00:10:15,083 --> 00:10:17,083
I'm just a little dickstracted.
198
00:10:17,166 --> 00:10:20,333
-Zachary! No! No humpies!
199
00:10:20,416 --> 00:10:23,000
Those dicks look pretty rowdy.
Maybe they need to be jerked off?
200
00:10:23,083 --> 00:10:24,666
Maybe you need to be jerked off!
201
00:10:24,750 --> 00:10:28,416
I do! But I haven't found
ethical porn that I like!
202
00:10:30,916 --> 00:10:36,041
Hi! How's my favorite client
who I love and adore, of course?
203
00:10:36,125 --> 00:10:39,666
-How does it fucking look?
-Okay. Actively meaner today, got it.
204
00:10:39,750 --> 00:10:44,125
The baby won't eat, I haven't slept
in days, and my nipples are so sore!
205
00:10:44,208 --> 00:10:46,583
-"Sore"?
-We're fucking totaled!
206
00:10:46,666 --> 00:10:49,875
-Why are you so bad at this?
-We can't take it anymore!
207
00:10:49,958 --> 00:10:52,666
-Ew! Your gross nips talk?
208
00:10:52,750 --> 00:10:53,750
We also sing.
209
00:10:53,833 --> 00:10:55,416
Oh. Oh boy.
210
00:11:05,958 --> 00:11:07,208
Oh, lovely.
211
00:12:41,166 --> 00:12:44,666
Oh, that's it! You really nailed it,
everyone. Well done.
212
00:12:46,291 --> 00:12:48,416
This is all your fucking fault!
213
00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:51,375
I am doing my best, okay, lady?
214
00:12:53,041 --> 00:12:54,750
Oh, shit. I suck.
215
00:12:54,833 --> 00:13:00,000
-Why can't I just bond with this baby?
-And why aren't you nicer to me?
216
00:13:00,083 --> 00:13:03,541
And why won't these dicks eat their chips?
217
00:13:03,625 --> 00:13:08,916
-Oh, dear, have I made everyone cry?
218
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:12,041
What, oh, what will my mummy say?
219
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:14,666
"Good job, Lionel!
You're better than Kitty."
220
00:13:14,750 --> 00:13:17,458
"And I'm finally
giving you my home address!"
221
00:13:17,541 --> 00:13:20,125
-Yes, yes, that's what she'll say.
222
00:13:22,750 --> 00:13:26,083
Man, I really needed this
after the morning I've had.
223
00:13:26,166 --> 00:13:27,791
Yeah. Just glad I could help.
224
00:13:27,875 --> 00:13:31,791
Like, not to throw the word around,
but Becca is toxic.
225
00:13:31,875 --> 00:13:35,291
Becca is a bitch.
But she's not here right now. I am.
226
00:13:35,375 --> 00:13:38,500
-So let's just, you know, let's focus.
-You're right!
227
00:13:41,166 --> 00:13:43,458
-It's just, I wish I could ask Sonya…
-Shh-shh.
228
00:13:43,541 --> 00:13:45,208
…for advice, but, I mean, look at her!
229
00:13:45,291 --> 00:13:48,666
Baby. It-- It-- Listen, it just sounds
like you need a little time to reflect,
230
00:13:48,750 --> 00:13:51,750
which is totally fine because
I just put some bath salts up my ass
231
00:13:51,833 --> 00:13:54,333
and they are really starting
to kick in and--
232
00:13:54,416 --> 00:13:55,250
Oh, okay.
233
00:13:55,333 --> 00:13:56,250
So I'm gonna go outside
234
00:13:56,333 --> 00:13:59,291
and I'm just going to get in a fistfight
with a telephone pole and…
235
00:13:59,375 --> 00:14:01,166
Celery, yes!
236
00:14:01,250 --> 00:14:04,250
-Hey, you're Becca's Need Demon, right?
237
00:14:04,333 --> 00:14:08,166
You okay, bud?
Do you maybe want like a appetizer or--
238
00:14:08,250 --> 00:14:12,125
Food! Yes! Give! Give.
239
00:14:12,208 --> 00:14:14,500
Ha-ha. I'm cool though, I'm cool.
240
00:14:14,583 --> 00:14:16,250
But food now please?
241
00:14:16,333 --> 00:14:20,125
Some mozz sticks before I kill myself
right here in front of you. Haha!
242
00:14:20,208 --> 00:14:22,541
Oh, wow. Excuse me, uh, waiter?
243
00:14:25,416 --> 00:14:29,166
I mean, who does this baby
think it is with all its demands?
244
00:14:29,250 --> 00:14:31,083
Fuck, these are good!
245
00:14:31,166 --> 00:14:34,416
Becca's really only slept four hours
since Friday?
246
00:14:34,500 --> 00:14:35,833
-Yeah.
-Brutal.
247
00:14:35,916 --> 00:14:37,875
Need napkin, give napkin!
248
00:14:37,958 --> 00:14:40,416
-Oh, uh, here, sure.
249
00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:43,000
I don't want to exist!
250
00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:44,125
Yikes on bikes.
251
00:14:44,208 --> 00:14:47,250
Sorry. I'm just not myself.
252
00:14:47,333 --> 00:14:49,791
I'm a very cool demon normally!
253
00:14:49,875 --> 00:14:52,583
Sure, yeah! I've eaten a napkin!
254
00:14:52,666 --> 00:14:56,208
Oh, man. You should've seen me
do my thing before the baby.
255
00:14:56,291 --> 00:14:58,791
-Me and Becca were a fuckin' team.
256
00:14:58,875 --> 00:15:00,541
Anything we wanted, we got.
257
00:15:00,625 --> 00:15:02,083
-We just took it.
258
00:15:02,166 --> 00:15:05,875
Whenever, wherever…
We just… We ruled, man!
259
00:15:05,958 --> 00:15:07,833
You know what it's like to fly?
260
00:15:07,916 --> 00:15:09,708
-Wait, wait, wait. Becca?
261
00:15:09,791 --> 00:15:12,208
That cranky, dry bitch used to party?
262
00:15:12,291 --> 00:15:14,916
Oh, hell yeah! Those were the days!
263
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,625
But now look at me.
264
00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:19,375
-A worthless little wisp.
265
00:15:19,458 --> 00:15:20,333
Shit!
266
00:15:20,416 --> 00:15:22,875
-Shit, sorry.
-I deserve this.
267
00:15:22,958 --> 00:15:25,583
No, you don't!
Hey, hey, you are still cool.
268
00:15:25,666 --> 00:15:27,333
-Yeah?
-Dude, totally.
269
00:15:27,416 --> 00:15:30,375
You're just going through
some really hard shit right now.
270
00:15:30,458 --> 00:15:32,083
Yeah! And same with Becca.
271
00:15:32,166 --> 00:15:35,125
-Well, no. I mean, Becca's just kind of a…
-Lawyer?
272
00:15:35,208 --> 00:15:36,166
-No.
-Woman?
273
00:15:36,250 --> 00:15:37,208
-No.
-Female lawyer?
274
00:15:37,291 --> 00:15:40,875
No, she's kind of a, you know, a c-word?
275
00:15:40,958 --> 00:15:43,250
-A-- A cunt-face?
-Yes, that's right.
276
00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:47,750
Nah. She's just overwhelmed.
She's a new mom. It's hard, man.
277
00:15:47,833 --> 00:15:51,000
Yeah, I-- I guess
it is hard to be a new mom.
278
00:15:51,083 --> 00:15:54,375
Oh, shit. Am I the cunt-face?
279
00:15:55,041 --> 00:15:57,541
Uh… Hey, you gonna eat that receipt?
280
00:15:57,625 --> 00:15:59,833
Oh, honey, I'm sorry, I am, yeah.
281
00:16:05,250 --> 00:16:06,750
Sorry, Gav, say again?
282
00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:09,375
I said, "Oh, she can't hear me."
283
00:16:09,458 --> 00:16:13,708
And before that I said, "Don't ignore me,
I'll dox your fucking family!"
284
00:16:13,791 --> 00:16:16,166
And before that, I said, "Smells yummy."
285
00:16:16,250 --> 00:16:19,791
Well, thanks, it's for Maury's children
that happen to be genitals.
286
00:16:19,875 --> 00:16:22,541
Oh, right, you're the nanny today.
Where are the little cuties?
287
00:16:22,625 --> 00:16:24,875
In my office, being terrorists!
288
00:16:24,958 --> 00:16:27,875
Oh, Gavin, I don't know what to do.
289
00:16:27,958 --> 00:16:30,916
I'm gettin' arthritos
from all these Doritos.
290
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,541
-Relax. They won't starve in a day!
-Phew!
291
00:16:33,625 --> 00:16:36,250
As long as you're jerking 'em off
every two hours, you'll be fine.
292
00:16:36,333 --> 00:16:40,833
Oh, I've been definitely jerkin' them off
every two hours, for sure.
293
00:16:40,916 --> 00:16:41,916
For sure, for sure.
294
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,250
Good. 'Cause you know
what happens if you don't.
295
00:16:44,333 --> 00:16:47,375
Absolutely. Absolutely I know that.
296
00:16:47,458 --> 00:16:51,083
Okay, I'm gonna go run away now
for an unrelated reason.
297
00:16:51,166 --> 00:16:54,583
Alright, time for Gavin
to warm up his tuna soup.
298
00:16:54,666 --> 00:16:56,750
-Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
299
00:16:56,833 --> 00:16:58,208
-Ahh!
300
00:16:58,291 --> 00:17:01,166
So, fuckin' and multiplyin'?
That's what happens?
301
00:17:01,250 --> 00:17:03,416
-That's a lotta dicks.
-Yeah.
302
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:06,166
Better get 'em to nap before 3:00
or they'll turn into real assholes.
303
00:17:06,250 --> 00:17:08,833
Really? Are you mommy-shaming me, Pete?
304
00:17:08,916 --> 00:17:11,791
No, of course not,
you're not their mother.
305
00:17:11,875 --> 00:17:14,500
-Hey. Is there something on my back?
-No! You good!
306
00:17:14,583 --> 00:17:19,166
I'm telling you,
it's on HBO and it's hilarious.
307
00:17:19,250 --> 00:17:22,208
And you say it's called Chernobyl?
I'll write it down in my phone.
308
00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:25,791
They kill a bunch of dogs
in the fourth episode…
309
00:17:25,875 --> 00:17:27,208
It's a hoot.
310
00:17:27,291 --> 00:17:30,500
There you are, Mummy.
Oh, I've been searching high and low.
311
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:33,625
-Well, you found me. What fortune.
-Indeed.
312
00:17:33,708 --> 00:17:37,041
Yes, I brought you a special present,
look! Shame tears!
313
00:17:37,125 --> 00:17:41,375
They're fresh from that tortured husk
of a new mother I told you about!
314
00:17:41,458 --> 00:17:44,333
I'll pass. Kitty cracked a jar
of her depression tears,
315
00:17:44,416 --> 00:17:46,583
and, frankly, I'm still a bit goosed.
316
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:49,166
Ugh, depression tears?
317
00:17:49,250 --> 00:17:52,666
But, Mummy, I harvested
these shame tears myself!
318
00:17:52,750 --> 00:17:55,750
It was hard, it was very hard,
but I did it for you!
319
00:17:55,833 --> 00:17:58,458
-Please don't laugh at me. Please, Mummy.
320
00:17:58,541 --> 00:18:01,541
No. I'm sorry, darling,
you just made such a face.
321
00:18:01,625 --> 00:18:03,291
"It was so hard, Mommy."
322
00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:09,041
It's pronounced… No, listen, shut up.
It's pronounced "Mummy"!
323
00:18:09,125 --> 00:18:11,416
Oh, Lionel, come back.
324
00:18:11,500 --> 00:18:13,375
We'll miss you too much.
325
00:18:15,541 --> 00:18:17,708
-Come on, guys, settle down.
326
00:18:17,791 --> 00:18:20,083
-It's nap time for Christ's sake. Fuck!
327
00:18:20,166 --> 00:18:22,125
-There's so many of you!
328
00:18:22,208 --> 00:18:23,333
Here! Look what I got.
329
00:18:23,416 --> 00:18:26,541
I got some
SpongeDick SquareBalls to doze off to.
330
00:18:26,625 --> 00:18:28,750
Aw, that's not a pussy, silly!
331
00:18:28,833 --> 00:18:31,750
-They're sweet.
-Gonna turn into some real assholes soon.
332
00:18:31,833 --> 00:18:35,916
Now why do people keep saying that
about these cute little--
333
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,083
-Oh, fuck.
334
00:18:38,375 --> 00:18:42,583
What are they-- Stop! Stop that!
Don't do that. Not you, dear Zachary!
335
00:18:43,958 --> 00:18:46,500
Buy us cigarettes
and take us to the horse track!
336
00:18:46,583 --> 00:18:48,500
Fuck you! Don't fuckin' touch me, Mark.
337
00:18:48,583 --> 00:18:49,916
Blow it out ya face, Shawn.
338
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,166
Timbah!
339
00:18:51,250 --> 00:18:52,875
You say somethin' about my sistah Heathah?
340
00:18:52,958 --> 00:18:54,666
You say something
about my pahtnah, Theodore?
341
00:18:54,750 --> 00:18:56,833
Could you not do that on my desk?
Goddamn assholes!
342
00:18:56,916 --> 00:19:00,708
"Real assholes." Okay, yeah,
that makes sense in rectumspect.
343
00:19:00,791 --> 00:19:04,375
Listen, whatever Father Brian did to you,
Tommy, you keep it to yourself.
344
00:19:04,458 --> 00:19:07,708
Oh, God, I have failed these youths.
345
00:19:09,958 --> 00:19:14,041
Oh! Shit, sorry! I didn't know you were…
What are you doing?
346
00:19:14,125 --> 00:19:16,333
Can't wipe yet. Too raw.
347
00:19:16,416 --> 00:19:20,166
-Ooph! I did not know that was part of it.
348
00:19:20,250 --> 00:19:25,583
Oh, I… You know, I, uh, heard
you used to be kind of awesome.
349
00:19:25,666 --> 00:19:29,333
You mean before I had to cold-press
my tits and squirt-gun my--
350
00:19:29,416 --> 00:19:32,041
-God damn it. Why'd I look down?
-Why'd you look down?
351
00:19:32,125 --> 00:19:34,833
I think it's gonna die. My pussy.
352
00:19:34,916 --> 00:19:41,083
No, no, it won't! It'll heal,
and you'll, um, get head from Barry again!
353
00:19:41,166 --> 00:19:42,333
Oh, big whoop.
354
00:19:42,416 --> 00:19:45,083
And, someday,
you'll even party like before.
355
00:19:45,166 --> 00:19:48,250
And you'll eat spicy chicken sandwiches.
356
00:19:48,333 --> 00:19:52,750
But it won't be the same.
Nothing will ever be the same.
357
00:19:52,833 --> 00:19:55,666
She's right.
Parenthood makes everything awful.
358
00:19:55,750 --> 00:19:57,250
-Fuck you.
-It really does.
359
00:19:57,333 --> 00:19:59,916
She's always leaking from somewhere.
360
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:03,333
What if the rest of your life
is just open-ended suffering?
361
00:20:03,416 --> 00:20:07,083
A fitting destiny for an unfit parent.
362
00:20:07,166 --> 00:20:09,875
-Alright, everybody.
363
00:20:09,958 --> 00:20:11,833
Ooh, a reprise!
364
00:20:11,916 --> 00:20:13,458
-No, no! Hey! No!
365
00:20:13,541 --> 00:20:16,291
That song is not helpful. Everybody out!
366
00:20:16,375 --> 00:20:18,041
Hey! Don't get the assholes wet.
367
00:20:18,125 --> 00:20:19,958
They've done enough
gremlin-y bullshit today.
368
00:20:20,041 --> 00:20:21,541
Wicked good fuckin' movie.
369
00:20:21,625 --> 00:20:26,333
Out! Go! This woman is busted,
and she needs some peace and quiet!
370
00:20:26,416 --> 00:20:28,916
You can't shut me out!
You're not my mummy!
371
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,291
You, too, Lionel. Go!
372
00:20:30,375 --> 00:20:31,916
That's better.
373
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,750
Thanks. Are you being nice
to me out of pity?
374
00:20:34,833 --> 00:20:38,333
A little. But I-- I also think
I respect you now?
375
00:20:38,416 --> 00:20:39,583
Oh. Well, that's new.
376
00:20:39,666 --> 00:20:45,041
Yeah. Yeah-- Yeah, your life is
so shitty right now. Like this?
377
00:20:45,125 --> 00:20:50,250
This is actually you doing your best,
just like I've been doing my best.
378
00:20:50,333 --> 00:20:54,041
And if we're being honest,
my best hasn't been great.
379
00:20:54,125 --> 00:20:59,791
That's, uh, really brave of you to admit.
Hey, I wish you well, okay?
380
00:20:59,875 --> 00:21:01,958
-Oh, I…
-Are you not res--
381
00:21:02,041 --> 00:21:03,541
-Not resigning, no.
-No?
382
00:21:03,625 --> 00:21:06,083
Yeah, I was gonna land a heartfelt speech
383
00:21:06,166 --> 00:21:09,916
and then I guess…
…hope to grow into my role?
384
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:12,375
Okay, cool. Yeah, love that.
385
00:21:12,458 --> 00:21:14,791
Great. 'Cause I think we can do this.
386
00:21:14,875 --> 00:21:18,333
I just… I don't think we can.
387
00:21:18,416 --> 00:21:21,333
It's going so bad. And I'm such a mess.
388
00:21:21,416 --> 00:21:23,416
You are. You are, but see,
389
00:21:23,500 --> 00:21:25,916
that's what I learned
from your Need Demon.
390
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:29,750
That old, good Becca
and new, messy, dead-pussy Becca
391
00:21:29,833 --> 00:21:34,916
are actually the same person
who's not a total bitch-menace!
392
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:36,916
-Okay…
-Hang on, not done!
393
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,500
-And I think that all of those Beccas
394
00:21:39,583 --> 00:21:41,458
are gonna be a great mom.
395
00:21:41,541 --> 00:21:43,083
-Wait, are you…
396
00:21:43,166 --> 00:21:45,250
Oh! A little bit, yeah.
397
00:21:45,333 --> 00:21:46,916
My booty's glowing.
398
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:50,833
-The baby's not even here.
-I guess this one's for you.
399
00:21:50,916 --> 00:21:54,125
Oh, that's nice. And warm.
400
00:21:55,250 --> 00:21:57,625
Thank you.
401
00:22:01,958 --> 00:22:04,333
Hey, can you shut the fuck up?
402
00:22:04,416 --> 00:22:06,291
I'm finally about to get some sleep.
403
00:22:06,375 --> 00:22:07,458
Right, right, sorry.
404
00:22:08,208 --> 00:22:10,541
I'm a good wizard. I work hard.
405
00:22:10,625 --> 00:22:13,125
I've done everything
you've ever shamed me into.
406
00:22:13,208 --> 00:22:16,875
So tell me one thing, Mummy.
What does Kitty have that I don't?
407
00:22:16,958 --> 00:22:19,708
If you must know,
a tight little butthole
408
00:22:19,791 --> 00:22:20,875
and a rough tongue.
409
00:22:21,875 --> 00:22:22,708
Kitty!
410
00:22:22,791 --> 00:22:26,083
I-- I-- I thought I'd found
Mummy quite alone.
411
00:22:26,166 --> 00:22:29,541
Well, sugar, you found Mummy
quite getting fucked.
412
00:22:29,625 --> 00:22:32,000
-What?
-Oh, dear. I thought he knew.
413
00:22:32,083 --> 00:22:34,000
How could I have possibly known?
414
00:22:34,083 --> 00:22:37,583
Oh, honey, we haven't been exactly subtle.
415
00:22:37,666 --> 00:22:38,666
Really?
416
00:22:38,750 --> 00:22:42,125
-Oh. Oh! I did miss that, didn't I? Yeah.
417
00:22:42,708 --> 00:22:43,916
Mm…
418
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,208
I didn't catch it, no.
419
00:22:46,041 --> 00:22:48,333
Ah! Yes, well, nearly but not quite.
420
00:22:48,416 --> 00:22:52,583
Alright. I think I've got the general--
Hang on! Christmas morning?
421
00:22:52,666 --> 00:22:55,666
Are you telling me this has gone on
since December?
422
00:22:55,750 --> 00:22:58,375
Well, not exactly, no.
423
00:23:04,208 --> 00:23:09,750
-All those years… Shameless.
-What are you mumbling, Lionel? Speak up.
424
00:23:09,833 --> 00:23:12,041
You're shameless!
425
00:23:12,125 --> 00:23:13,333
Bite your tongue.
426
00:23:13,416 --> 00:23:15,583
We're talking about your tongue, Mummy!
427
00:23:15,666 --> 00:23:20,000
You're the one bopping around
all lickily-tickly with Kitty!
428
00:23:20,083 --> 00:23:24,166
And what son could ever compete
with that big pussy's tiny b-hole?
429
00:23:24,250 --> 00:23:27,416
Wait a minute.
It sounds like he wants to fuck you.
430
00:23:27,500 --> 00:23:29,958
I'll never make you happy
the way she does, will I, Mummy?
431
00:23:30,041 --> 00:23:32,083
Sweet Jesus. He does!
432
00:23:32,166 --> 00:23:34,791
We're Shame Wizards, darling.
Of course he does.
433
00:23:34,875 --> 00:23:38,416
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
not anymore I don't!
434
00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:40,916
And I'll tell you why, I'll tell you why!
435
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,625
Because you're a bad, bad mummy!
436
00:23:44,791 --> 00:23:47,500
-Eh? I glowed for Becca,
437
00:23:47,583 --> 00:23:49,458
then I glowed for the baby.
438
00:23:49,541 --> 00:23:51,500
My ass loves those guys now!
439
00:23:51,583 --> 00:23:52,958
Aw, it suits you cute!
440
00:23:53,041 --> 00:23:56,041
I feel like it's basically as bright
as Rochelle's, don't you think?
441
00:23:56,125 --> 00:23:57,833
Look at us! We're glow-twins!
442
00:23:58,958 --> 00:24:02,708
Whoa! Okay. Yeah, glow twins.
443
00:24:02,791 --> 00:24:04,833
-Hey, hey! Let us out!
-Open the bag, sweetheart!
444
00:24:04,916 --> 00:24:07,333
-I gotta take a wicked fuckin' piss here!
-Hold it in, AJ!
445
00:24:07,416 --> 00:24:10,916
Yeah, and I told him Fleshlights
are for fucking, and not for eating out,
446
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:12,708
but the kid wouldn't listen.
447
00:24:12,791 --> 00:24:15,666
-No shitting in the bag.
-Here are your dicks back, Maury.
448
00:24:15,750 --> 00:24:19,333
Same quantity and condition as before.
Bye for a long time.
449
00:24:19,416 --> 00:24:21,833
-Wait, wait. Connie, Connie, Connie.
450
00:24:21,916 --> 00:24:24,541
This is a bag of like 500 assholes,
isn't it?
451
00:24:24,625 --> 00:24:26,333
That's… Yeah, that's correct.
452
00:24:26,416 --> 00:24:27,458
Connie!
453
00:24:27,541 --> 00:24:29,875
Well, I'm sorry! I just…
454
00:24:29,958 --> 00:24:33,375
I accidentally didn't do
any of the things you told me to.
455
00:24:33,458 --> 00:24:36,583
I knew you weren't ready.
Being a parent is hard, isn't it?
456
00:24:36,666 --> 00:24:40,833
No, man, it's stupid! Are you mad?
Probably mad, huh?
457
00:24:40,916 --> 00:24:45,208
Oh, it's fine. Usually I just send
the batches of assholes to Boston.
458
00:24:45,291 --> 00:24:46,541
They seem to thrive there.
459
00:24:47,583 --> 00:24:49,666
-You suck!
-Fuck the Yankees to death!
460
00:24:49,750 --> 00:24:50,791
Here's your beer, babe.
461
00:24:50,875 --> 00:24:53,333
Oh shit, Shauna, we're on the kiss cam!
Pucker up!
462
00:24:57,125 --> 00:24:59,375
Oh, hello… Rita.
463
00:24:59,458 --> 00:25:03,041
I've come to sign your copy, if you like.
Before I leave.
464
00:25:03,583 --> 00:25:06,791
Well, if you want to.
Makes no difference to me.
465
00:25:06,875 --> 00:25:09,958
You know, at my last tour stop,
Terry Gross asked me
466
00:25:10,041 --> 00:25:12,333
what the greatest shame
of my life had been.
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00:25:12,416 --> 00:25:13,333
Oh.
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00:25:13,416 --> 00:25:15,291
What did you say?
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00:25:15,375 --> 00:25:17,500
I said, "my son, Lionel."
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00:25:17,583 --> 00:25:19,333
-You did?
-Of course.
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00:25:19,416 --> 00:25:24,791
Listen, about Kitty. Oh, she's a fun girl.
Big heart. Eensy little butthole.
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00:25:24,875 --> 00:25:26,416
Yes, yes, alright, I get it.
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00:25:26,500 --> 00:25:29,166
But at the end of the day,
she's just someone I fuck.
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00:25:29,250 --> 00:25:32,000
I don't think I've shamed her even once
in all these years.
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00:25:32,083 --> 00:25:33,958
-Oh!
-You, on the other hand,
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00:25:34,041 --> 00:25:36,833
I'll be torturing you
for the rest of time.
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00:25:36,916 --> 00:25:39,916
That's because you love me?
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00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:44,458
-No, dear. It's because I'm your mummy.
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"Thank you for reading. M."
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00:25:49,833 --> 00:25:53,500
God, what I wouldn't give
for one night with her.