1 00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:23,166 -Psst. Hi. Hey. Everything's fucked! 2 00:00:23,250 --> 00:00:25,125 Yeah, you better wake up. 3 00:00:25,208 --> 00:00:28,708 We're alone, we're hungry, and we have to shit! 4 00:00:28,791 --> 00:00:31,458 Okay, ready? Three, two… 5 00:00:31,541 --> 00:00:34,166 -Food! Poop! Now! 6 00:00:34,250 --> 00:00:35,708 We need the titties! 7 00:00:35,791 --> 00:00:38,750 -Give us the grande hot titty juice! 8 00:00:38,833 --> 00:00:40,000 You're okay, bud. 9 00:00:40,083 --> 00:00:44,208 Hey, Becca, it's me! I'm showing up, I'm ready to do love! 10 00:00:44,291 --> 00:00:49,375 -Food me! Poop me! Do titties better! -The baby got its Need Demon? 11 00:00:49,458 --> 00:00:53,708 -Assigned yesterday, welcome to the team. -Oh, no, I'm actually Becca's bug. 12 00:00:53,791 --> 00:00:55,958 Oh, you're with Titties! 13 00:00:56,041 --> 00:00:59,916 Well, then why won't she put them in our mouth the way we want? 14 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:02,333 Wow. You-- You are intense. 15 00:01:02,416 --> 00:01:05,625 Yeah, I'm a fuckin' Need Demon! 16 00:01:05,708 --> 00:01:09,750 -Well, hey. Hey, Mama. How's things, girl? 17 00:01:09,833 --> 00:01:10,666 Really good. 18 00:01:10,750 --> 00:01:14,791 Two days ago, I took an eight-pound shit, and now it screams at me every hour! 19 00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:19,041 Okay, unflinching look at motherhood. Ladies and gentlemen, Ali Wong-- 20 00:01:19,125 --> 00:01:21,375 No, I'm in no mood to go meta right now, okay? 21 00:01:21,458 --> 00:01:24,166 I'm exhausted. And you ditched me at the hospital! 22 00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:29,708 Oh, let's forget about the old Emmy and the mistakes that dumb hussy made. 23 00:01:29,791 --> 00:01:32,541 I'm the new Emmy! I show up! 24 00:01:32,625 --> 00:01:35,291 With a gift. Look. And it did use to have a head. 25 00:01:35,375 --> 00:01:37,208 -Now our tummy hurts! 26 00:01:37,291 --> 00:01:40,583 -Okay, maybe it needs to, um, Becca? 27 00:01:40,666 --> 00:01:42,000 Can we sleep now? 28 00:01:42,083 --> 00:01:47,333 Oh. Are you Becca's Need Demon? I-- I'm Emmy, I-- I-- I'm her new Lovebug. 29 00:01:47,416 --> 00:01:49,500 -Wow, big pipes on that one. 30 00:01:49,583 --> 00:01:53,291 Give sleep. Give food. Give death. 31 00:01:53,375 --> 00:01:57,625 -She can sleep when the kid is in college. 32 00:01:57,708 --> 00:01:59,916 -Shh. Please shut up. Please shut up. 33 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:03,625 Uh, you-- you're doing so good. Motherly love! 34 00:02:03,708 --> 00:02:06,041 -Woot-woot! -You definitely shut up. 35 00:02:06,125 --> 00:02:08,291 Hey! I'm doing my best, okay? 36 00:02:08,375 --> 00:02:11,166 Oh, don't be a fucking crybaby, I already have one of those. 37 00:02:11,250 --> 00:02:12,833 I'm not a crybaby. 38 00:02:12,916 --> 00:02:13,750 -Ugh! 39 00:02:13,833 --> 00:02:15,958 -Ah, nice! Our shit came out. -What the fuck? 40 00:02:16,041 --> 00:02:17,791 I'mma take ten. Text me if you need me. 41 00:02:17,875 --> 00:02:19,833 Whoa. Why're you lookin' at it like that? 42 00:02:19,916 --> 00:02:22,083 -How am I supposed to look at it? -With love? 43 00:02:22,166 --> 00:02:24,416 I mean, wook at that wittle nose. 44 00:02:24,500 --> 00:02:25,791 Wook at it. Ooh! 45 00:02:25,875 --> 00:02:28,000 Those chubby wittle thighs… 46 00:02:28,083 --> 00:02:29,875 -What the fuck are you doing? 47 00:02:29,958 --> 00:02:30,791 Trying to glow! 48 00:02:30,875 --> 00:02:33,291 -Oh, my God, you can't even glow? -Well… 49 00:02:33,375 --> 00:02:36,250 No wonder I don't love this thing. 50 00:02:36,333 --> 00:02:39,208 You don't love the baby? 51 00:02:39,291 --> 00:02:44,166 Well, maybe I would if I didn't have a JV-ass Lovebug who can't do her job! 52 00:02:44,250 --> 00:02:48,291 Well, how am I supposed to do my job if you don't love the baby? 53 00:02:48,375 --> 00:02:50,958 -Come on, come on, come on… Yes! 54 00:02:51,041 --> 00:02:52,375 Ka-ching! 55 00:02:52,458 --> 00:02:53,875 What the hell are you doing here? 56 00:02:53,958 --> 00:02:58,458 A mother who doesn't love her own baby and a Lovebug who can't glow? 57 00:02:58,541 --> 00:03:00,583 I've won the Shame Lottery! 58 00:03:00,666 --> 00:03:02,000 Fuck me dot org. 59 00:03:02,083 --> 00:03:05,500 Alright, smile. Ooh! You look exhausted, love. 60 00:03:42,500 --> 00:03:47,250 These can feel like troubling times for we Shame Wizards who serve women. 61 00:03:47,333 --> 00:03:50,250 "Body positivity." "Self-love." 62 00:03:50,333 --> 00:03:51,791 "Pay equity." 63 00:03:51,875 --> 00:03:55,208 We wonder, is female shame a thing of the past? 64 00:03:55,291 --> 00:03:57,541 I leave you with a story. 65 00:03:57,625 --> 00:04:01,416 Flying in today, I shared an exit row with a mother and daughter. 66 00:04:01,500 --> 00:04:05,208 I watched Mum assure the flight attendant that her little girl's arms 67 00:04:05,291 --> 00:04:08,750 were "husky enough" to open the cabin door. 68 00:04:08,833 --> 00:04:12,750 She then proceeded to order herself a hot water with Splenda. 69 00:04:12,833 --> 00:04:13,666 Mm. 70 00:04:13,750 --> 00:04:17,000 In that moment, I felt certain of one thing, 71 00:04:17,083 --> 00:04:21,708 as long as there are women, there will be shame! 72 00:04:21,791 --> 00:04:24,500 -Thank you so much. Thank you. 73 00:04:25,041 --> 00:04:27,208 The "Your Body, Your Fault" chapter was so devastating. 74 00:04:27,291 --> 00:04:28,833 Thank you. Thank you so much! 75 00:04:28,916 --> 00:04:31,833 -I'm geeking out, sorry! -Oh, no, thank you, darling! 76 00:04:31,916 --> 00:04:33,833 I hope you didn't have to wait on line too long. 77 00:04:33,916 --> 00:04:38,250 Wow, I can't believe I'm meeting the Shame Wizard who did Joe Paterno! 78 00:04:38,333 --> 00:04:41,083 -Just a rumor. -Hello, Mummy! 79 00:04:41,166 --> 00:04:44,125 Hello, Lionel. I'd forgotten you worked here. 80 00:04:44,208 --> 00:04:49,083 Yes, and I think all my emails might be going to your spam? 81 00:04:50,500 --> 00:04:52,666 -Hi! -There she is! 82 00:04:52,750 --> 00:04:57,750 How was Becca's last night? A new mom with a brand-new squishy baby? 83 00:04:57,833 --> 00:05:00,750 You must be glowing like cray all day! 84 00:05:00,833 --> 00:05:04,833 Yeah, I-- I'm actually not glowing that, that much. 85 00:05:04,916 --> 00:05:06,166 Or, like, at all. 86 00:05:06,250 --> 00:05:08,916 -And when I try to, I kind of fart? -Oh, no! 87 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,333 Not all new parents bond with the baby right away. 88 00:05:11,416 --> 00:05:12,958 -Really? -Sometimes you get a slow-glow. 89 00:05:13,041 --> 00:05:14,250 And that's totally normal! 90 00:05:14,333 --> 00:05:16,541 -Have you had that happen? -Me? Oh, hell no. 91 00:05:16,625 --> 00:05:19,916 -I glow fast and I glow hard. -But again, no shame in it! 92 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:23,375 That's right. As long as your slow-glow doesn't turn into a no-glow. 93 00:05:23,458 --> 00:05:27,083 Oh, yeah, a no-glow, there is definitely shame in that. 94 00:05:27,166 --> 00:05:29,291 Look. My glow is not the problem here. 95 00:05:29,375 --> 00:05:31,666 It's Becca's own fault she can't love right. 96 00:05:31,750 --> 00:05:33,000 That woman is a pill. 97 00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:35,875 Whoa! Emmy. You can't be talking about your clients that way. 98 00:05:35,958 --> 00:05:38,083 You should hear the way she talks to me. 99 00:05:38,166 --> 00:05:40,541 Not to be mean, but she's rancid to her core, 100 00:05:40,625 --> 00:05:43,125 and I really do hope she dies of a brand-new cancer. 101 00:05:43,208 --> 00:05:45,291 -Emmy! -I wasn't-- I said "not to be mean"! 102 00:05:45,375 --> 00:05:48,208 Okay. Did you learn nothing from our training day? 103 00:05:48,291 --> 00:05:50,458 Our clients are our babies. 104 00:05:50,541 --> 00:05:53,041 And if we don't love our babies, they won't love themselves. 105 00:05:53,125 --> 00:05:56,000 And if they don't love themselves, they'll never love their babies. 106 00:05:56,083 --> 00:05:58,791 I'm sorry, do you mind if I grab a breath mint 107 00:05:58,875 --> 00:06:02,416 since you're both shitting down my throat at the same time? 108 00:06:02,500 --> 00:06:06,083 -Oh, honey, we were just trying to help. -I know, I know. 109 00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:07,250 You just… 110 00:06:07,333 --> 00:06:09,833 You don't have to be such "Beccas" about it. 111 00:06:09,916 --> 00:06:14,791 Ugh, Maury. I'm sorry to keep doing this. I forgot my  goddamn password again. 112 00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:18,416 Ugh! It's "jizz" with six z's and a pound sign. 113 00:06:18,500 --> 00:06:21,500 What are your boys doing here? Shouldn't they be at school? 114 00:06:21,583 --> 00:06:24,041 There was a crabs outbreak at their cumdergarten. 115 00:06:24,125 --> 00:06:27,208 One dirty dick, and they gotta shut down the whole damn place. 116 00:06:27,291 --> 00:06:30,041 -Aww. Daddy's sorry for raising his voice. 117 00:06:30,125 --> 00:06:31,375 Daddy loves you. 118 00:06:31,458 --> 00:06:34,625 Oh, man. You gonna be able to handle that chode-load at work? 119 00:06:34,708 --> 00:06:36,333 I-- I-- I'll manage somehow. 120 00:06:36,416 --> 00:06:39,791 Okay. Let's see, I've got a kid who's found his dad's Fleshlight, 121 00:06:39,875 --> 00:06:41,458 a glory hole grand opening… 122 00:06:41,541 --> 00:06:43,333 Well, I would offer to dicksit, but… 123 00:06:43,416 --> 00:06:44,708 Oh, yeah, no-- no way. 124 00:06:44,791 --> 00:06:47,000 You could-- You could never handle all these dicks. 125 00:06:47,083 --> 00:06:48,791 -What's that supposed to mean? -Nothing! 126 00:06:48,875 --> 00:06:50,791 It's just a lot of responsibility, 127 00:06:50,875 --> 00:06:54,291 and you're, you know, kind of a-- a hot fuck-up. 128 00:06:54,375 --> 00:06:56,500 How dare you, you sexy shithead? 129 00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:59,958 Look, I'm just saying, you're not really a kid person. 130 00:07:00,041 --> 00:07:03,125 Well, I'd be a great dicksitter, so it's your loss. 131 00:07:03,208 --> 00:07:06,083 Alright, okay, so you think you can do it? 132 00:07:06,166 --> 00:07:07,208 Of course I do! 133 00:07:07,291 --> 00:07:08,625 -Great! -It is great. 134 00:07:08,708 --> 00:07:10,000 Then you'll need the rundown. 135 00:07:10,083 --> 00:07:13,208 First, they eat Cool Ranch Doritos only, comprende? 136 00:07:13,291 --> 00:07:15,666 -Mm-hm. -Chew 'em up, then… 137 00:07:15,750 --> 00:07:18,125 Baby-bird the paste into their mouth holes. 138 00:07:18,208 --> 00:07:20,708 -Hey, Connie! -I'm listening! "Cool Ranch." 139 00:07:20,791 --> 00:07:23,625 Also, you have to jerk them off every two hours. 140 00:07:23,708 --> 00:07:24,541 Yeah. I get it. 141 00:07:24,625 --> 00:07:28,041 And make sure they get a nap before 3:00, or they'll turn into real assholes. 142 00:07:28,125 --> 00:07:31,333 Maury, I got it! This ain't my first dick rodeo. 143 00:07:31,916 --> 00:07:34,875 -Yee-haw! Texas forev-- Ow! Shit! 144 00:07:34,958 --> 00:07:36,708 Not bad for a first time out. 145 00:07:36,791 --> 00:07:40,000 Well, that doesn't reassure me, but I’m grateful for the flashback. 146 00:07:48,875 --> 00:07:52,291 Oh, Mummy, you should have seen the shame on the young mother's face. 147 00:07:52,375 --> 00:07:56,250 There she was with her darling newborn, right? 148 00:07:56,333 --> 00:08:00,500 And I flew right in and I said… I, uh, mm… 149 00:08:00,583 --> 00:08:04,000 -Mummy? -Mm? Oh, I'm listening, darling. 150 00:08:04,083 --> 00:08:06,083 Important email to my publicist. 151 00:08:06,166 --> 00:08:11,416 Well, uh, um… I said your catchphrase, "Flawed women are failed women." 152 00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:13,458 Er… Look, I'll show you the photo. 153 00:08:13,541 --> 00:08:16,041 Mummy? Mummy, do you see it, Mummy? 154 00:08:16,125 --> 00:08:19,125 It's "Rita" in the workplace, please. 155 00:08:19,208 --> 00:08:21,250 Mm. She cried, I'm sure? 156 00:08:21,333 --> 00:08:25,041 Uh… Well, no. She was about to, but then they cut to the main titles-- 157 00:08:25,125 --> 00:08:27,166 Sorry I'm late, peaches. 158 00:08:27,250 --> 00:08:29,625 Kitty! At last! 159 00:08:29,708 --> 00:08:32,000 Uh… Oh. Are there other chairs? 160 00:08:32,083 --> 00:08:33,750 -Oh, just take Lionel's. -What? 161 00:08:33,833 --> 00:08:35,583 You-- You don't mind floating, do you, dear? 162 00:08:35,666 --> 00:08:37,375 Oh. Well. Yes, Mummy. 163 00:08:37,458 --> 00:08:40,500 It's been too long! How's the depression game? 164 00:08:40,583 --> 00:08:42,250 Busy as always. 165 00:08:42,333 --> 00:08:45,125 I partnered with Amazon last month. 166 00:08:45,208 --> 00:08:46,666 -How exciting! 167 00:08:46,750 --> 00:08:50,000 Yes, I've got thousands of warehouse workers 168 00:08:50,083 --> 00:08:53,833 in a state of deep existential ennui. 169 00:08:53,916 --> 00:08:58,166 Wow! You know, Lionel almost got a woman to cry yesterday. 170 00:08:58,250 --> 00:09:01,708 Well, I am almost impressed. 171 00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:06,250 Mummy, don't forget about your publicist! 172 00:09:06,333 --> 00:09:09,708 The email? Mummy gets lots of important emails. 173 00:09:09,791 --> 00:09:12,625 Just not from me, eh. They go to her spam. 174 00:09:12,708 --> 00:09:14,250 Lionel, please. 175 00:09:14,333 --> 00:09:17,083 So, what's new with you, sweetness? 176 00:09:17,166 --> 00:09:21,541 Nothing really. Notre Shame just invited me to give the commencement speech again. 177 00:09:21,625 --> 00:09:23,250 Oh! I went to Notre Shame! 178 00:09:23,333 --> 00:09:26,833 Hey, remember how proud you'd have been if you'd come to my graduation? 179 00:09:26,916 --> 00:09:28,291 Lionel, just-- just be a dear 180 00:09:28,375 --> 00:09:30,583 and-- and fetch Kitty a saucer of milk, would you? 181 00:09:30,666 --> 00:09:31,500 Yes, Mummy. 182 00:09:31,583 --> 00:09:33,958 -Oh, take your time, Lionel. 183 00:09:36,958 --> 00:09:39,000 Come on, I know you're hungry. 184 00:09:39,083 --> 00:09:40,791 We're fucking starving! 185 00:09:40,875 --> 00:09:43,583 Why aren't you squeezing the booby into a sandwich? 186 00:09:43,666 --> 00:09:46,000 Didn't you listen to that bitch at the hospital? 187 00:09:46,083 --> 00:09:48,833 What if the baby starves? Oh God, you'll be a baby murderer! 188 00:09:48,916 --> 00:09:50,916 They'll talk about me on Inside Edition. 189 00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:52,333 And then send you to jail, 190 00:09:52,416 --> 00:09:54,916 where there's nothing to watch but Inside Edition! 191 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:58,375 Why do you think breastfeeding is impossible for you 192 00:09:58,458 --> 00:10:01,708 when it comes so naturally to other, better women? 193 00:10:01,791 --> 00:10:05,291 Could you guys please leave me alone and just let me-- 194 00:10:05,375 --> 00:10:08,458 Cry? You gonna cry? You gonna cry 'cause of what I said, are you? 195 00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:12,208 Oh, I don't want to cry, I want to fucking scream! 196 00:10:12,291 --> 00:10:15,000 I'm sorry about these mood swings, Becca-boo! 197 00:10:15,083 --> 00:10:17,083 I'm just a little dickstracted. 198 00:10:17,166 --> 00:10:20,333 -Zachary! No! No humpies! 199 00:10:20,416 --> 00:10:23,000 Those dicks look pretty rowdy. Maybe they need to be jerked off? 200 00:10:23,083 --> 00:10:24,666 Maybe you need to be jerked off! 201 00:10:24,750 --> 00:10:28,416 I do! But I haven't found ethical porn that I like! 202 00:10:30,916 --> 00:10:36,041 Hi! How's my favorite client who I love and adore, of course? 203 00:10:36,125 --> 00:10:39,666 -How does it fucking look? -Okay. Actively meaner today, got it. 204 00:10:39,750 --> 00:10:44,125 The baby won't eat, I haven't slept in days, and my nipples are so sore! 205 00:10:44,208 --> 00:10:46,583 -"Sore"? -We're fucking totaled! 206 00:10:46,666 --> 00:10:49,875 -Why are you so bad at this? -We can't take it anymore! 207 00:10:49,958 --> 00:10:52,666 -Ew! Your gross nips talk? 208 00:10:52,750 --> 00:10:53,750 We also sing. 209 00:10:53,833 --> 00:10:55,416 Oh. Oh boy. 210 00:11:05,958 --> 00:11:07,208 Oh, lovely. 211 00:12:41,166 --> 00:12:44,666 Oh, that's it! You really nailed it, everyone. Well done. 212 00:12:46,291 --> 00:12:48,416 This is all your fucking fault! 213 00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:51,375 I am doing my best, okay, lady? 214 00:12:53,041 --> 00:12:54,750 Oh, shit. I suck. 215 00:12:54,833 --> 00:13:00,000 -Why can't I just bond with this baby? -And why aren't you nicer to me? 216 00:13:00,083 --> 00:13:03,541 And why won't these dicks eat their chips? 217 00:13:03,625 --> 00:13:08,916 -Oh, dear, have I made everyone cry? 218 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:12,041 What, oh, what will my mummy say? 219 00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:14,666 "Good job, Lionel! You're better than Kitty." 220 00:13:14,750 --> 00:13:17,458 "And I'm finally giving you my home address!" 221 00:13:17,541 --> 00:13:20,125 -Yes, yes, that's what she'll say. 222 00:13:22,750 --> 00:13:26,083 Man, I really needed this after the morning I've had. 223 00:13:26,166 --> 00:13:27,791 Yeah. Just glad I could help. 224 00:13:27,875 --> 00:13:31,791 Like, not to throw the word around, but Becca is toxic. 225 00:13:31,875 --> 00:13:35,291 Becca is a bitch. But she's not here right now. I am. 226 00:13:35,375 --> 00:13:38,500 -So let's just, you know, let's focus. -You're right! 227 00:13:41,166 --> 00:13:43,458 -It's just, I wish I could ask Sonya… -Shh-shh. 228 00:13:43,541 --> 00:13:45,208 …for advice, but, I mean, look at her! 229 00:13:45,291 --> 00:13:48,666 Baby. It-- It-- Listen, it just sounds like you need a little time to reflect, 230 00:13:48,750 --> 00:13:51,750 which is totally fine because I just put some bath salts up my ass 231 00:13:51,833 --> 00:13:54,333 and they are really starting to kick in and-- 232 00:13:54,416 --> 00:13:55,250 Oh, okay. 233 00:13:55,333 --> 00:13:56,250 So I'm gonna go outside 234 00:13:56,333 --> 00:13:59,291 and I'm just going to get in a fistfight with a telephone pole and… 235 00:13:59,375 --> 00:14:01,166 Celery, yes! 236 00:14:01,250 --> 00:14:04,250 -Hey, you're Becca's Need Demon, right? 237 00:14:04,333 --> 00:14:08,166 You okay, bud? Do you maybe want like a appetizer or-- 238 00:14:08,250 --> 00:14:12,125 Food! Yes! Give! Give. 239 00:14:12,208 --> 00:14:14,500 Ha-ha. I'm cool though, I'm cool. 240 00:14:14,583 --> 00:14:16,250 But food now please? 241 00:14:16,333 --> 00:14:20,125 Some mozz sticks before I kill myself right here in front of you. Haha! 242 00:14:20,208 --> 00:14:22,541 Oh, wow. Excuse me, uh, waiter? 243 00:14:25,416 --> 00:14:29,166 I mean, who does this baby think it is with all its demands? 244 00:14:29,250 --> 00:14:31,083 Fuck, these are good! 245 00:14:31,166 --> 00:14:34,416 Becca's really only slept four hours since Friday? 246 00:14:34,500 --> 00:14:35,833 -Yeah. -Brutal. 247 00:14:35,916 --> 00:14:37,875 Need napkin, give napkin! 248 00:14:37,958 --> 00:14:40,416 -Oh, uh, here, sure. 249 00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:43,000 I don't want to exist! 250 00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:44,125 Yikes on bikes. 251 00:14:44,208 --> 00:14:47,250 Sorry. I'm just not myself. 252 00:14:47,333 --> 00:14:49,791 I'm a very cool demon normally! 253 00:14:49,875 --> 00:14:52,583 Sure, yeah! I've eaten a napkin! 254 00:14:52,666 --> 00:14:56,208 Oh, man. You should've seen me do my thing before the baby. 255 00:14:56,291 --> 00:14:58,791 -Me and Becca were a fuckin' team. 256 00:14:58,875 --> 00:15:00,541 Anything we wanted, we got. 257 00:15:00,625 --> 00:15:02,083 -We just took it. 258 00:15:02,166 --> 00:15:05,875 Whenever, wherever… We just… We ruled, man! 259 00:15:05,958 --> 00:15:07,833 You know what it's like to fly? 260 00:15:07,916 --> 00:15:09,708 -Wait, wait, wait. Becca? 261 00:15:09,791 --> 00:15:12,208 That cranky, dry bitch used to party? 262 00:15:12,291 --> 00:15:14,916 Oh, hell yeah! Those were the days! 263 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,625 But now look at me. 264 00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:19,375 -A worthless little wisp. 265 00:15:19,458 --> 00:15:20,333 Shit! 266 00:15:20,416 --> 00:15:22,875 -Shit, sorry. -I deserve this. 267 00:15:22,958 --> 00:15:25,583 No, you don't! Hey, hey, you are still cool. 268 00:15:25,666 --> 00:15:27,333 -Yeah? -Dude, totally. 269 00:15:27,416 --> 00:15:30,375 You're just going through some really hard shit right now. 270 00:15:30,458 --> 00:15:32,083 Yeah! And same with Becca. 271 00:15:32,166 --> 00:15:35,125 -Well, no. I mean, Becca's just kind of a… -Lawyer? 272 00:15:35,208 --> 00:15:36,166 -No. -Woman? 273 00:15:36,250 --> 00:15:37,208 -No. -Female lawyer? 274 00:15:37,291 --> 00:15:40,875 No, she's kind of a, you know, a c-word? 275 00:15:40,958 --> 00:15:43,250 -A-- A cunt-face? -Yes, that's right. 276 00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:47,750 Nah. She's just overwhelmed. She's a new mom. It's hard, man. 277 00:15:47,833 --> 00:15:51,000 Yeah, I-- I guess it is hard to be a new mom. 278 00:15:51,083 --> 00:15:54,375 Oh, shit. Am I the cunt-face? 279 00:15:55,041 --> 00:15:57,541 Uh… Hey, you gonna eat that receipt? 280 00:15:57,625 --> 00:15:59,833 Oh, honey, I'm sorry, I am, yeah. 281 00:16:05,250 --> 00:16:06,750 Sorry, Gav, say again? 282 00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:09,375 I said, "Oh, she can't hear me." 283 00:16:09,458 --> 00:16:13,708 And before that I said, "Don't ignore me, I'll dox your fucking family!" 284 00:16:13,791 --> 00:16:16,166 And before that, I said, "Smells yummy." 285 00:16:16,250 --> 00:16:19,791 Well, thanks, it's for Maury's children that happen to be genitals. 286 00:16:19,875 --> 00:16:22,541 Oh, right, you're the nanny today. Where are the little cuties? 287 00:16:22,625 --> 00:16:24,875 In my office, being terrorists! 288 00:16:24,958 --> 00:16:27,875 Oh, Gavin, I don't know what to do. 289 00:16:27,958 --> 00:16:30,916 I'm gettin' arthritos from all these Doritos. 290 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,541 -Relax. They won't starve in a day! -Phew! 291 00:16:33,625 --> 00:16:36,250 As long as you're jerking 'em off every two hours, you'll be fine. 292 00:16:36,333 --> 00:16:40,833 Oh, I've been definitely jerkin' them off every two hours, for sure. 293 00:16:40,916 --> 00:16:41,916 For sure, for sure. 294 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,250 Good. 'Cause you know what happens if you don't. 295 00:16:44,333 --> 00:16:47,375 Absolutely. Absolutely I know that. 296 00:16:47,458 --> 00:16:51,083 Okay, I'm gonna go run away now for an unrelated reason. 297 00:16:51,166 --> 00:16:54,583 Alright, time for Gavin to warm up his tuna soup. 298 00:16:54,666 --> 00:16:56,750 -Oh, shit! Oh, shit! 299 00:16:56,833 --> 00:16:58,208 -Ahh! 300 00:16:58,291 --> 00:17:01,166 So, fuckin' and multiplyin'? That's what happens? 301 00:17:01,250 --> 00:17:03,416 -That's a lotta dicks. -Yeah. 302 00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:06,166 Better get 'em to nap before 3:00 or they'll turn into real assholes. 303 00:17:06,250 --> 00:17:08,833 Really? Are you mommy-shaming me, Pete? 304 00:17:08,916 --> 00:17:11,791 No, of course not, you're not their mother. 305 00:17:11,875 --> 00:17:14,500 -Hey. Is there something on my back? -No! You good! 306 00:17:14,583 --> 00:17:19,166 I'm telling you, it's on HBO and it's hilarious. 307 00:17:19,250 --> 00:17:22,208 And you say it's called Chernobyl? I'll write it down in my phone. 308 00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:25,791 They kill a bunch of dogs in the fourth episode… 309 00:17:25,875 --> 00:17:27,208 It's a hoot. 310 00:17:27,291 --> 00:17:30,500 There you are, Mummy. Oh, I've been searching high and low. 311 00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:33,625 -Well, you found me. What fortune. -Indeed. 312 00:17:33,708 --> 00:17:37,041 Yes, I brought you a special present, look! Shame tears! 313 00:17:37,125 --> 00:17:41,375 They're fresh from that tortured husk of a new mother I told you about! 314 00:17:41,458 --> 00:17:44,333 I'll pass. Kitty cracked a jar of her depression tears, 315 00:17:44,416 --> 00:17:46,583 and, frankly, I'm still a bit goosed. 316 00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:49,166 Ugh, depression tears? 317 00:17:49,250 --> 00:17:52,666 But, Mummy, I harvested these shame tears myself! 318 00:17:52,750 --> 00:17:55,750 It was hard, it was very hard, but I did it for you! 319 00:17:55,833 --> 00:17:58,458 -Please don't laugh at me. Please, Mummy. 320 00:17:58,541 --> 00:18:01,541 No. I'm sorry, darling, you just made such a face. 321 00:18:01,625 --> 00:18:03,291 "It was so hard, Mommy." 322 00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:09,041 It's pronounced… No, listen, shut up. It's pronounced "Mummy"! 323 00:18:09,125 --> 00:18:11,416 Oh, Lionel, come back. 324 00:18:11,500 --> 00:18:13,375 We'll miss you too much. 325 00:18:15,541 --> 00:18:17,708 -Come on, guys, settle down. 326 00:18:17,791 --> 00:18:20,083 -It's nap time for Christ's sake. Fuck! 327 00:18:20,166 --> 00:18:22,125 -There's so many of you! 328 00:18:22,208 --> 00:18:23,333 Here! Look what I got. 329 00:18:23,416 --> 00:18:26,541 I got some SpongeDick SquareBalls to doze off to. 330 00:18:26,625 --> 00:18:28,750 Aw, that's not a pussy, silly! 331 00:18:28,833 --> 00:18:31,750 -They're sweet. -Gonna turn into some real assholes soon. 332 00:18:31,833 --> 00:18:35,916 Now why do people keep saying that about these cute little-- 333 00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,083 -Oh, fuck. 334 00:18:38,375 --> 00:18:42,583 What are they-- Stop! Stop that! Don't do that. Not you, dear Zachary! 335 00:18:43,958 --> 00:18:46,500 Buy us cigarettes and take us to the horse track! 336 00:18:46,583 --> 00:18:48,500 Fuck you! Don't fuckin' touch me, Mark. 337 00:18:48,583 --> 00:18:49,916 Blow it out ya face, Shawn. 338 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,166 Timbah! 339 00:18:51,250 --> 00:18:52,875 You say somethin' about my sistah Heathah? 340 00:18:52,958 --> 00:18:54,666 You say something about my pahtnah, Theodore? 341 00:18:54,750 --> 00:18:56,833 Could you not do that on my desk? Goddamn assholes! 342 00:18:56,916 --> 00:19:00,708 "Real assholes." Okay, yeah, that makes sense in rectumspect. 343 00:19:00,791 --> 00:19:04,375 Listen, whatever Father Brian did to you, Tommy, you keep it to yourself. 344 00:19:04,458 --> 00:19:07,708 Oh, God, I have failed these youths. 345 00:19:09,958 --> 00:19:14,041 Oh! Shit, sorry! I didn't know you were… What are you doing? 346 00:19:14,125 --> 00:19:16,333 Can't wipe yet. Too raw. 347 00:19:16,416 --> 00:19:20,166 -Ooph! I did not know that was part of it. 348 00:19:20,250 --> 00:19:25,583 Oh, I… You know, I, uh, heard you used to be kind of awesome. 349 00:19:25,666 --> 00:19:29,333 You mean before I had to cold-press my tits and squirt-gun my-- 350 00:19:29,416 --> 00:19:32,041 -God damn it. Why'd I look down? -Why'd you look down? 351 00:19:32,125 --> 00:19:34,833 I think it's gonna die. My pussy. 352 00:19:34,916 --> 00:19:41,083 No, no, it won't! It'll heal, and you'll, um, get head from Barry again! 353 00:19:41,166 --> 00:19:42,333 Oh, big whoop. 354 00:19:42,416 --> 00:19:45,083 And, someday, you'll even party like before. 355 00:19:45,166 --> 00:19:48,250 And you'll eat spicy chicken sandwiches. 356 00:19:48,333 --> 00:19:52,750 But it won't be the same. Nothing will ever be the same. 357 00:19:52,833 --> 00:19:55,666 She's right. Parenthood makes everything awful. 358 00:19:55,750 --> 00:19:57,250 -Fuck you. -It really does. 359 00:19:57,333 --> 00:19:59,916 She's always leaking from somewhere. 360 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:03,333 What if the rest of your life is just open-ended suffering? 361 00:20:03,416 --> 00:20:07,083 A fitting destiny for an unfit parent. 362 00:20:07,166 --> 00:20:09,875 -Alright, everybody. 363 00:20:09,958 --> 00:20:11,833 Ooh, a reprise! 364 00:20:11,916 --> 00:20:13,458 -No, no! Hey! No! 365 00:20:13,541 --> 00:20:16,291 That song is not helpful. Everybody out! 366 00:20:16,375 --> 00:20:18,041 Hey! Don't get the assholes wet. 367 00:20:18,125 --> 00:20:19,958 They've done enough gremlin-y bullshit today. 368 00:20:20,041 --> 00:20:21,541 Wicked good fuckin' movie. 369 00:20:21,625 --> 00:20:26,333 Out! Go! This woman is busted, and she needs some peace and quiet! 370 00:20:26,416 --> 00:20:28,916 You can't shut me out! You're not my mummy! 371 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,291 You, too, Lionel. Go! 372 00:20:30,375 --> 00:20:31,916 That's better. 373 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,750 Thanks. Are you being nice to me out of pity? 374 00:20:34,833 --> 00:20:38,333 A little. But I-- I also think I respect you now? 375 00:20:38,416 --> 00:20:39,583 Oh. Well, that's new. 376 00:20:39,666 --> 00:20:45,041 Yeah. Yeah-- Yeah, your life is so shitty right now. Like this? 377 00:20:45,125 --> 00:20:50,250 This is actually you doing your best, just like I've been doing my best. 378 00:20:50,333 --> 00:20:54,041 And if we're being honest, my best hasn't been great. 379 00:20:54,125 --> 00:20:59,791 That's, uh, really brave of you to admit. Hey, I wish you well, okay? 380 00:20:59,875 --> 00:21:01,958 -Oh, I… -Are you not res-- 381 00:21:02,041 --> 00:21:03,541 -Not resigning, no. -No? 382 00:21:03,625 --> 00:21:06,083 Yeah, I was gonna land a heartfelt speech 383 00:21:06,166 --> 00:21:09,916 and then I guess… …hope to grow into my role? 384 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:12,375 Okay, cool. Yeah, love that. 385 00:21:12,458 --> 00:21:14,791 Great. 'Cause I think we can do this. 386 00:21:14,875 --> 00:21:18,333 I just… I don't think we can. 387 00:21:18,416 --> 00:21:21,333 It's going so bad. And I'm such a mess. 388 00:21:21,416 --> 00:21:23,416 You are. You are, but see, 389 00:21:23,500 --> 00:21:25,916 that's what I learned from your Need Demon. 390 00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:29,750 That old, good Becca and new, messy, dead-pussy Becca 391 00:21:29,833 --> 00:21:34,916 are actually the same person who's not a total bitch-menace! 392 00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:36,916 -Okay… -Hang on, not done! 393 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,500 -And I think that all of those Beccas 394 00:21:39,583 --> 00:21:41,458 are gonna be a great mom. 395 00:21:41,541 --> 00:21:43,083 -Wait, are you… 396 00:21:43,166 --> 00:21:45,250 Oh! A little bit, yeah. 397 00:21:45,333 --> 00:21:46,916 My booty's glowing. 398 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:50,833 -The baby's not even here. -I guess this one's for you. 399 00:21:50,916 --> 00:21:54,125 Oh, that's nice. And warm. 400 00:21:55,250 --> 00:21:57,625 Thank you. 401 00:22:01,958 --> 00:22:04,333 Hey, can you shut the fuck up? 402 00:22:04,416 --> 00:22:06,291 I'm finally about to get some sleep. 403 00:22:06,375 --> 00:22:07,458 Right, right, sorry. 404 00:22:08,208 --> 00:22:10,541 I'm a good wizard. I work hard. 405 00:22:10,625 --> 00:22:13,125 I've done everything you've ever shamed me into. 406 00:22:13,208 --> 00:22:16,875 So tell me one thing, Mummy. What does Kitty have that I don't? 407 00:22:16,958 --> 00:22:19,708 If you must know, a tight little butthole 408 00:22:19,791 --> 00:22:20,875 and a rough tongue. 409 00:22:21,875 --> 00:22:22,708 Kitty! 410 00:22:22,791 --> 00:22:26,083 I-- I-- I thought I'd found Mummy quite alone. 411 00:22:26,166 --> 00:22:29,541 Well, sugar, you found Mummy quite getting fucked. 412 00:22:29,625 --> 00:22:32,000 -What? -Oh, dear. I thought he knew. 413 00:22:32,083 --> 00:22:34,000 How could I have possibly known? 414 00:22:34,083 --> 00:22:37,583 Oh, honey, we haven't been exactly subtle. 415 00:22:37,666 --> 00:22:38,666 Really? 416 00:22:38,750 --> 00:22:42,125 -Oh. Oh! I did miss that, didn't I? Yeah. 417 00:22:42,708 --> 00:22:43,916 Mm… 418 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,208 I didn't catch it, no. 419 00:22:46,041 --> 00:22:48,333 Ah! Yes, well, nearly but not quite. 420 00:22:48,416 --> 00:22:52,583 Alright. I think I've got the general-- Hang on! Christmas morning? 421 00:22:52,666 --> 00:22:55,666 Are you telling me this has gone on since December? 422 00:22:55,750 --> 00:22:58,375 Well, not exactly, no. 423 00:23:04,208 --> 00:23:09,750 -All those years… Shameless. -What are you mumbling, Lionel? Speak up. 424 00:23:09,833 --> 00:23:12,041 You're shameless! 425 00:23:12,125 --> 00:23:13,333 Bite your tongue. 426 00:23:13,416 --> 00:23:15,583 We're talking about your tongue, Mummy! 427 00:23:15,666 --> 00:23:20,000 You're the one bopping around all lickily-tickly with Kitty! 428 00:23:20,083 --> 00:23:24,166 And what son could ever compete with that big pussy's tiny b-hole? 429 00:23:24,250 --> 00:23:27,416 Wait a minute. It sounds like he wants to fuck you. 430 00:23:27,500 --> 00:23:29,958 I'll never make you happy the way she does, will I, Mummy? 431 00:23:30,041 --> 00:23:32,083 Sweet Jesus. He does! 432 00:23:32,166 --> 00:23:34,791 We're Shame Wizards, darling. Of course he does. 433 00:23:34,875 --> 00:23:38,416 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, not anymore I don't! 434 00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:40,916 And I'll tell you why, I'll tell you why! 435 00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,625 Because you're a bad, bad mummy! 436 00:23:44,791 --> 00:23:47,500 -Eh? I glowed for Becca, 437 00:23:47,583 --> 00:23:49,458 then I glowed for the baby. 438 00:23:49,541 --> 00:23:51,500 My ass loves those guys now! 439 00:23:51,583 --> 00:23:52,958 Aw, it suits you cute! 440 00:23:53,041 --> 00:23:56,041 I feel like it's basically as bright as Rochelle's, don't you think? 441 00:23:56,125 --> 00:23:57,833 Look at us! We're glow-twins! 442 00:23:58,958 --> 00:24:02,708 Whoa! Okay. Yeah, glow twins. 443 00:24:02,791 --> 00:24:04,833 -Hey, hey! Let us out! -Open the bag, sweetheart! 444 00:24:04,916 --> 00:24:07,333 -I gotta take a wicked fuckin' piss here! -Hold it in, AJ! 445 00:24:07,416 --> 00:24:10,916 Yeah, and I told him Fleshlights are for fucking, and not for eating out, 446 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:12,708 but the kid wouldn't listen. 447 00:24:12,791 --> 00:24:15,666 -No shitting in the bag. -Here are your dicks back, Maury. 448 00:24:15,750 --> 00:24:19,333 Same quantity and condition as before. Bye for a long time. 449 00:24:19,416 --> 00:24:21,833 -Wait, wait. Connie, Connie, Connie. 450 00:24:21,916 --> 00:24:24,541 This is a bag of like 500 assholes, isn't it? 451 00:24:24,625 --> 00:24:26,333 That's… Yeah, that's correct. 452 00:24:26,416 --> 00:24:27,458 Connie! 453 00:24:27,541 --> 00:24:29,875 Well, I'm sorry! I just… 454 00:24:29,958 --> 00:24:33,375 I accidentally didn't do any of the things you told me to. 455 00:24:33,458 --> 00:24:36,583 I knew you weren't ready. Being a parent is hard, isn't it? 456 00:24:36,666 --> 00:24:40,833 No, man, it's stupid! Are you mad? Probably mad, huh? 457 00:24:40,916 --> 00:24:45,208 Oh, it's fine. Usually I just send the batches of assholes to Boston. 458 00:24:45,291 --> 00:24:46,541 They seem to thrive there. 459 00:24:47,583 --> 00:24:49,666 -You suck! -Fuck the Yankees to death! 460 00:24:49,750 --> 00:24:50,791 Here's your beer, babe. 461 00:24:50,875 --> 00:24:53,333 Oh shit, Shauna, we're on the kiss cam! Pucker up! 462 00:24:57,125 --> 00:24:59,375 Oh, hello… Rita. 463 00:24:59,458 --> 00:25:03,041 I've come to sign your copy, if you like. Before I leave. 464 00:25:03,583 --> 00:25:06,791 Well, if you want to. Makes no difference to me. 465 00:25:06,875 --> 00:25:09,958 You know, at my last tour stop, Terry Gross asked me 466 00:25:10,041 --> 00:25:12,333 what the greatest shame of my life had been. 467 00:25:12,416 --> 00:25:13,333 Oh. 468 00:25:13,416 --> 00:25:15,291 What did you say? 469 00:25:15,375 --> 00:25:17,500 I said, "my son, Lionel." 470 00:25:17,583 --> 00:25:19,333 -You did? -Of course. 471 00:25:19,416 --> 00:25:24,791 Listen, about Kitty. Oh, she's a fun girl. Big heart. Eensy little butthole. 472 00:25:24,875 --> 00:25:26,416 Yes, yes, alright, I get it. 473 00:25:26,500 --> 00:25:29,166 But at the end of the day, she's just someone I fuck. 474 00:25:29,250 --> 00:25:32,000 I don't think I've shamed her even once in all these years. 475 00:25:32,083 --> 00:25:33,958 -Oh! -You, on the other hand, 476 00:25:34,041 --> 00:25:36,833 I'll be torturing you for the rest of time. 477 00:25:36,916 --> 00:25:39,916 That's because you love me? 478 00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:44,458 -No, dear. It's because I'm your mummy. 479 00:25:45,833 --> 00:25:48,625 "Thank you for reading. M." 480 00:25:49,833 --> 00:25:53,500 God, what I wouldn't give for one night with her.