1 00:00:10,833 --> 00:00:13,166 Hello. Human Resources. How may I direct your call? 2 00:00:13,250 --> 00:00:17,333 Oh, I totally get it. My son just left for college too. 3 00:00:17,416 --> 00:00:21,083 Oh, let me connect you to the Identity Crisis Center. Please hold. 4 00:00:21,166 --> 00:00:22,291 Grace, I'm going on my break. 5 00:00:22,375 --> 00:00:25,375 I don't get it. Why doesn't Phil just feed himself? 6 00:00:25,458 --> 00:00:26,958 -Oh, hi! -Right there! 7 00:00:27,041 --> 00:00:29,333 Sex in the kitchen again. Yay, fun. 8 00:00:29,416 --> 00:00:33,083 The fuckin' show is called Somebody Feed Phil, baby.Oh, shit! 9 00:00:33,166 --> 00:00:35,375 -Oh, whoops. Sorry. Sorry. 10 00:00:35,458 --> 00:00:36,458 Every bite with this guy, 11 00:00:36,541 --> 00:00:38,791 it's like he's been on Earth for two whole fucking minutes. 12 00:00:38,875 --> 00:00:40,750 He looks like a toddler getting a colonoscopy. 13 00:00:40,833 --> 00:00:43,250 -Face or tits, honey? Quick! Face or tits? 14 00:00:43,333 --> 00:00:44,958 Neither. It'll cake in my fur. 15 00:00:45,041 --> 00:00:47,791 Or you could not ejaculate in the kitchen at all. 16 00:00:47,875 --> 00:00:50,666 -Let's just both blam on the floor. -Here I come! 17 00:00:50,750 --> 00:00:52,875 Okay, I'm just gonna grab my Chinese chicken salad. 18 00:00:52,958 --> 00:00:54,833 All right, fine, I'll watch the bloody show. 19 00:00:54,916 --> 00:00:57,291 Ah, don't bother. I can already tell you won't like it. 20 00:00:57,375 --> 00:01:00,875 You know, Phil Rosenthal created Everybody Loves Raymo-- 21 00:01:00,958 --> 00:01:02,041 Oh, God! 22 00:01:02,125 --> 00:01:04,458 I slipped in the cum! 23 00:01:04,541 --> 00:01:05,916 Oh! Oh! 24 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:07,875 I think I broke six of my-- 25 00:01:07,958 --> 00:01:09,791 Seven of my legs! 26 00:01:11,916 --> 00:01:13,875 And my salad is ruined! 27 00:01:49,916 --> 00:01:52,625 How is Jose supposed to answer the goddamn phones now? 28 00:01:52,708 --> 00:01:54,250 Oh, I can still manage. 29 00:01:54,333 --> 00:01:56,666 Don't be a fuckin' hero, Jose, let it go to voicemail. 30 00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:58,458 Whoa, whoa. What's going on here? 31 00:01:58,541 --> 00:02:02,333 Mona and Gavin were fornicating in the kitchen again 32 00:02:02,416 --> 00:02:04,333 and left a puddle of ejaculate. 33 00:02:04,416 --> 00:02:07,125 Excuse me, it was a pile of ejaculate. 34 00:02:07,208 --> 00:02:09,666 It looked like an anthill made of mayonnaise. 35 00:02:09,750 --> 00:02:12,208 Well, Jose almost died on that anthill. 36 00:02:12,291 --> 00:02:15,125 He can't die. He's a super spider. 37 00:02:15,208 --> 00:02:18,208 -He's in Sony, he's in Marvel… 38 00:02:18,291 --> 00:02:21,708 I think you're thinking of Spider-Man? I'm just a spider, man. 39 00:02:21,791 --> 00:02:23,708 -Jose. Hi. -Hi. 40 00:02:23,791 --> 00:02:26,083 Oh, shut the fuck up, Jose. Don't be nice to these animals. 41 00:02:26,166 --> 00:02:28,083 "Animals"? We're not animals. 42 00:02:28,166 --> 00:02:33,125 We are monsters. Insatiable, hairy jizz monsters with no boundaries! 43 00:02:33,208 --> 00:02:35,416 Ooh! I wish I could cut off my own cock 44 00:02:35,500 --> 00:02:38,083 so you could strap it on and fuck me with it right now! 45 00:02:38,166 --> 00:02:41,333 Hey, Mona, Gavino, maybe take it down a notch? 46 00:02:41,416 --> 00:02:44,041 I think our coworkers are just looking for a little apology. 47 00:02:44,125 --> 00:02:45,666 Okay, fine! 48 00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:47,416 I'm so sorry 49 00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:50,958 Mona and me left a lot of cum on the floor in the office kitchen. 50 00:02:51,041 --> 00:02:55,000 -And a teensy bit of urine. -I'm very sorry about my cum. 51 00:02:55,083 --> 00:02:56,958 Okay? Everybody happy? 52 00:02:57,041 --> 00:03:01,125 The Archdiocese of Baltimore apologizes better than that. 53 00:03:01,208 --> 00:03:04,541 And it's not just Mona and Gavin who should be apologizing, thank you. 54 00:03:04,625 --> 00:03:06,708 It's all of you. Todd, roll the fuckin' tape. 55 00:03:06,791 --> 00:03:10,625 -You fuck on our mail carts. -Hey, it's your favorite aunt, Grace. 56 00:03:10,708 --> 00:03:13,166 Toot, toot! Hot bones coming through! 57 00:03:13,250 --> 00:03:16,541 You fellate each other in our vents and on our desks! 58 00:03:16,625 --> 00:03:18,833 Hey, Gil, you using a different dick shampoo? 59 00:03:18,916 --> 00:03:21,541 -Even the fucking snack machine! 60 00:03:21,625 --> 00:03:26,125 My favorite snack is Beats by Dre headphones at the airport! 61 00:03:26,208 --> 00:03:29,833 Working with you is ruining our fucking lives. 62 00:03:29,916 --> 00:03:31,833 Uh, one second. Was that last one my house? 63 00:03:31,916 --> 00:03:35,750 Yes, Jose. We sometimes fuck at your place and watch Starz. 64 00:03:35,833 --> 00:03:37,458 Starz with a "Z," baby! 65 00:03:37,541 --> 00:03:40,166 Ugh! That's it. I am calling Corporate. 66 00:03:40,250 --> 00:03:41,666 -What? Oh, man! -Corporate? 67 00:03:41,750 --> 00:03:44,541 Those prissy twats wouldn't know a hard dick 68 00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:46,375 if you chased them down the stairwell with it. 69 00:03:46,458 --> 00:03:49,166 Ooh, you guys are in trouble! 70 00:03:49,250 --> 00:03:52,958 -You too! You're jerking off right now. -No, I'm not! 71 00:03:53,041 --> 00:03:55,000 -Oh, yes you are. -No, I'm not. 72 00:03:55,083 --> 00:03:57,541 -Yes, you are. -No, I'm not! 73 00:03:59,166 --> 00:04:00,000 No, I'm not. 74 00:04:00,083 --> 00:04:05,916 Hey, Walter! Okay, I'm taking a survey. Would you rather fart fire or pee ice? 75 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:09,208 I'll pee ice. Duh! 76 00:04:09,291 --> 00:04:11,458 Wait, why are you here and not with Becca? 77 00:04:11,541 --> 00:04:13,750 Oh, she doesn't need me bothering her right now. 78 00:04:13,833 --> 00:04:14,708 She just had a baby. 79 00:04:14,791 --> 00:04:19,583 -So, you're avoiding her. -Pssh! No, I'm giving her space. 80 00:04:19,666 --> 00:04:25,125 Love is about many things, bug, but "space" is not one of them. 81 00:04:25,208 --> 00:04:30,750 Love is smothering like a rogue nurse who's taken mercy into her own hands. 82 00:04:30,833 --> 00:04:33,291 Wow. I guess I have a lot to learn about love? 83 00:04:33,375 --> 00:04:34,208 Yeah, no shit. 84 00:04:34,291 --> 00:04:36,666 I have an incredible idea. 85 00:04:36,750 --> 00:04:38,291 You should learn about love 86 00:04:38,375 --> 00:04:40,666 from the bug who knows the most about love, 87 00:04:40,750 --> 00:04:42,541 and that bug happens to be 88 00:04:42,625 --> 00:04:44,958 -grabbing you by the collar right now. 89 00:04:45,041 --> 00:04:49,541 -Are you gonna kill me? -Ooh! Better, honey. I'm gonna teach you! 90 00:04:49,625 --> 00:04:52,666 It's a Lovebug ride-along, bitch. 91 00:04:52,750 --> 00:04:55,500 -Let's go! Whoo! -Whoa! 92 00:04:56,791 --> 00:04:59,375 -My spider dick! 93 00:04:59,458 --> 00:05:01,583 Rochelle, do you want to tell me what this is? 94 00:05:01,666 --> 00:05:05,500 An application for the Phoenix Suns credit card our client Doug wants to get? 95 00:05:05,583 --> 00:05:08,708 -Well, yes, that's objectively what it is. -And subjectively? 96 00:05:08,791 --> 00:05:11,083 A bad decision. This is a joke credit card 97 00:05:11,166 --> 00:05:13,375 and the punchline is a lifetime of crushing debt. 98 00:05:13,458 --> 00:05:15,541 Ugh, you are such a Logic Rock! 99 00:05:15,625 --> 00:05:17,541 The Connecticut Costco Credit Union 100 00:05:17,625 --> 00:05:20,208 has a perfectly reasonable card and it's not purple. 101 00:05:20,291 --> 00:05:24,500 But Doug loves the Phoenix Suns. He's their number one Hartford fan. 102 00:05:24,583 --> 00:05:27,250 And if he spends over 30,000 in the first three months, 103 00:05:27,333 --> 00:05:31,125 he earns a full leather varsity Suns jacket. It's so purple. 104 00:05:31,208 --> 00:05:35,250 No! Doug needs to be saving money for Donna's engagement ring. 105 00:05:35,333 --> 00:05:37,958 That can be the first thing he buys with his new Suns credit card. 106 00:05:38,041 --> 00:05:39,458 Look, I know you've achieved 107 00:05:39,541 --> 00:05:41,208 a lot of success in a short amount of time. 108 00:05:41,291 --> 00:05:43,791 -And you're classically good-looking… -Mmhmm. I was born this way. 109 00:05:43,875 --> 00:05:45,166 -…and people like you. -Boy, stop. 110 00:05:45,250 --> 00:05:47,375 But you're mistaking that for being right, 111 00:05:47,458 --> 00:05:49,750 which you're not, you're very, very wrong. 112 00:05:49,833 --> 00:05:53,208 This card isn't just irresponsible, it's dumb and purple. 113 00:05:53,291 --> 00:05:55,791 Hm. You know what? You're totally right. 114 00:05:55,875 --> 00:06:00,125 The Costco card makes much more sense. How did I not see that before? 115 00:06:00,208 --> 00:06:01,375 -So stupid. Ah! -Oh, uh… 116 00:06:01,458 --> 00:06:04,083 Well, don't be too hard on yourself. The print is very tiny. 117 00:06:04,166 --> 00:06:06,750 See? That's why we work so well together. 118 00:06:06,833 --> 00:06:09,291 I have an idea, and you tell me why it's dumb. 119 00:06:09,375 --> 00:06:11,083 I'll go clear this up with Doug. Thank you. 120 00:06:11,166 --> 00:06:13,500 Oh, well, de nada. In fact, thank you. 121 00:06:13,583 --> 00:06:14,666 Oh, no, thank you. 122 00:06:14,750 --> 00:06:18,041 Okay, I'm just gonna close the loop and just say, "You're welcome." 123 00:06:18,125 --> 00:06:21,458 This is horseshit. We don't need sensitivity training. 124 00:06:21,541 --> 00:06:25,250 Yeah. I'm very sensitive. I can't even watch a Hallmark commercial 125 00:06:25,333 --> 00:06:27,333 without frosting my coffee table. 126 00:06:27,416 --> 00:06:29,750 I say, the minute this bozo from Corporate comes in, 127 00:06:29,833 --> 00:06:32,125 we cut off my dick and throw it at his head. 128 00:06:32,208 --> 00:06:33,333 -Yeah! -That's right. 129 00:06:33,416 --> 00:06:35,791 You really want someone to cut off your dick, huh, chief? 130 00:06:35,875 --> 00:06:37,541 Yeah, maybe. What are you gonna do about it? 131 00:06:37,625 --> 00:06:39,416 Cut off my dick? Here. Here's a bread knife. 132 00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:41,791 -Okay, monster friends. 133 00:06:41,875 --> 00:06:46,250 Let's put away the knives and keep our genitals on  our bodies, yeah? 134 00:06:46,333 --> 00:06:47,166 Sound good? 135 00:06:47,250 --> 00:06:49,583 Oh, you must be the killjoy from Corporate. 136 00:06:49,666 --> 00:06:53,208 I could hear your tight butthole squeaking down the hallway. 137 00:06:54,333 --> 00:06:58,958 Yes, I'm from Corporate and I do have a tight butthole, but I also have a name. 138 00:06:59,041 --> 00:07:02,916 It's Empathy Mulholland. And, folks, I get it. 139 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:04,375 You don't want me here. 140 00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:07,375 Yeah, we wanna kill you and make doody on your corpse! 141 00:07:07,458 --> 00:07:11,625 Tyler! But yes, as always, the fucking idiot speaks for all of us. 142 00:07:11,708 --> 00:07:16,375 But, hey, monsters, we have a problem. Your coworkers are upset. 143 00:07:16,458 --> 00:07:19,750 Our coworkers can suck Gavin's severed dick. 144 00:07:19,833 --> 00:07:23,708 -Yeah! -I hear you. You're Hormone Monsters. 145 00:07:23,791 --> 00:07:26,166 You want to fornicate wherever and whenever you want. 146 00:07:26,250 --> 00:07:28,000 -Yeah! -She gets it! 147 00:07:28,083 --> 00:07:30,625 I can tell you're very passionate about intercourse, 148 00:07:30,708 --> 00:07:31,875 and that's beautiful, 149 00:07:31,958 --> 00:07:36,041 but you just can't do it in the office ever again starting right now. 150 00:07:36,125 --> 00:07:37,000 What? 151 00:07:38,083 --> 00:07:41,000 I'm so mad, I wanna fuck in my place of business! 152 00:07:41,083 --> 00:07:42,083 Let's get out of here. 153 00:07:42,166 --> 00:07:45,416 We can go "intercourse" at Jose's house and watch Starz. 154 00:07:45,500 --> 00:07:46,791 With a "Z"! 155 00:07:46,875 --> 00:07:49,791 Ooh! That sounds like a really nice afternoon. 156 00:07:49,875 --> 00:07:53,583 But, unfortunately, if I don't sign-off on your training, 157 00:07:53,666 --> 00:07:55,750 you're all gonna get fired. Yucky. 158 00:07:55,833 --> 00:07:57,083 -What the fuck? 159 00:07:57,166 --> 00:08:00,750 I can't go back to work on the flip-flop factory floor. 160 00:08:00,833 --> 00:08:02,208 It's too hard to say! 161 00:08:02,291 --> 00:08:06,208 And I can't move back in with my parents! They don't let me party, man! 162 00:08:06,291 --> 00:08:09,041 -Mona? -Fine. I'll stay. 163 00:08:09,125 --> 00:08:11,708 But I'm going to be incredibly unpleasant. 164 00:08:11,791 --> 00:08:13,125 Just like my parents 165 00:08:13,208 --> 00:08:17,500 when they found me smoking that icky-sticky with all my cool friends. 166 00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:20,916 Whoo-hoo! 167 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,708 Good morning, Long Island! 168 00:08:23,791 --> 00:08:24,916 Love is in the air. 169 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:28,250 Can you smell it, Emmy? Can you smell the love? 170 00:08:28,333 --> 00:08:31,541 That depends. Does love smell like garbage? 171 00:08:31,625 --> 00:08:33,541 No, that's just Long Island, honey. 172 00:08:33,625 --> 00:08:39,875 Now, my first client, his love is so big, it could fill all of Lake Ronkonkoma. 173 00:08:39,958 --> 00:08:44,375 All the way from Lakeshore Road to Little Vincent's Pizzeria. 174 00:08:44,458 --> 00:08:47,583 And if you don't know Long Island, that's really far away. 175 00:08:47,666 --> 00:08:51,000 So, you're just at 100% all the time, huh? 176 00:08:51,083 --> 00:08:52,750 Love lesson number one: 177 00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:56,458 if you're not giving it 100 then what's the fucking point? 178 00:08:56,541 --> 00:08:59,500 Now, walk with me. Hold my hand. Squeeze it, crush it! 179 00:08:59,583 --> 00:09:01,625 -I don't wanna! -Harder, I wanna hear the bones. 180 00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:02,541 -Oh! 181 00:09:02,625 --> 00:09:05,375 -Good morning, Brent. Mwah! -Mwah! Mwah! 182 00:09:05,458 --> 00:09:07,500 Good morning, Walter. You're just in time. 183 00:09:07,583 --> 00:09:11,000 Somebody's grumpy-pants because they haven't had their bweakfast. 184 00:09:11,083 --> 00:09:12,291 The shrimp's almost ready! 185 00:09:12,375 --> 00:09:17,666 Oh, okay. The husband is cute and he's cooking prawns at dawn, Emmy likey. 186 00:09:17,750 --> 00:09:19,041 Gerald's fine. 187 00:09:19,125 --> 00:09:25,458 We only stay with him because we could never share custody of Mr. Tails! 188 00:09:25,541 --> 00:09:28,125 -Ooh, yes, hunty, yass! 189 00:09:28,208 --> 00:09:32,000 Cat -egory is thick girls with attitude! 190 00:09:32,083 --> 00:09:35,166 -Strut, strut! -You're here because Brent loves a cat? 191 00:09:35,250 --> 00:09:36,416 -Of course! -Yass! 192 00:09:36,500 --> 00:09:41,791 Mr. Tails is the most magnificent creature that's ever graced this disgusting city. 193 00:09:41,875 --> 00:09:44,250 -Who's our favorite baby kitty cat? -Ooh! 194 00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:47,458 Who's keeping me in this dead marriage? You are! 195 00:09:47,541 --> 00:09:51,541 Uh, am I missing something? I mean, that's just a stupid cat, right? 196 00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:53,500 Love lesson number two! 197 00:09:53,583 --> 00:09:56,083 The world is made up of many types of love 198 00:09:56,166 --> 00:10:00,666 and they're all perfect and they're all equally important. 199 00:10:00,750 --> 00:10:02,083 Whoo! 200 00:10:02,166 --> 00:10:04,166 Jesus, Walter, is that cocaine? 201 00:10:04,250 --> 00:10:07,541 It's catnip, baby. Kitty coke. The meow pow. 202 00:10:07,625 --> 00:10:08,916 -Meow-meow! -Ow! 203 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:12,666 -You scratched me, you fucking psycho! 204 00:10:12,750 --> 00:10:15,750 Love lessons number three through a million: 205 00:10:15,833 --> 00:10:19,666 -Love is a fucking psycho. 206 00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:53,375 Okay, are you sure that catnip wasn't actually cocaine? 207 00:11:53,458 --> 00:11:55,291 No, I'm not! 208 00:11:56,791 --> 00:11:57,916 Doh! 209 00:11:58,000 --> 00:11:58,833 Damn it! 210 00:11:58,916 --> 00:11:59,958 Um, Rochelle? 211 00:12:00,041 --> 00:12:01,291 Mr. Pete-Pete-Pete. 212 00:12:01,375 --> 00:12:03,416 Hey. I feel like I was a little rough earlier 213 00:12:03,500 --> 00:12:05,375 when I was explaining how dumb your idea was. 214 00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:09,500 Look. I get it. You're a Logic Rock. You're just doing what you think is right. 215 00:12:09,583 --> 00:12:10,708 Oh. Exactly. 216 00:12:10,791 --> 00:12:13,708 And I was just doing what I think Doug would love. 217 00:12:13,791 --> 00:12:16,125 Totally. Uh, wait. What did you do? 218 00:12:16,208 --> 00:12:18,166 You'll see. 219 00:12:18,250 --> 00:12:21,416 What did you do? That car is a lease! 220 00:12:21,500 --> 00:12:25,208 Isn't it boss? Now my whole car looks like the jacket. 221 00:12:25,291 --> 00:12:26,708 Oh! Do you love it, Doug? 222 00:12:26,791 --> 00:12:30,041 Uh, was Charles Barkley the most dominant power forward 223 00:12:30,125 --> 00:12:33,000 in NBA history despite being only six foot four? 224 00:12:33,083 --> 00:12:34,041 He sure was. 225 00:12:34,125 --> 00:12:36,708 You Lovebugs make the most ridiculous decisions. 226 00:12:36,791 --> 00:12:40,791 -It's impossible to collaborate with you. -Come on. You love it, you dumbass rock. 227 00:12:40,875 --> 00:12:42,125 I certainly love it. 228 00:12:42,208 --> 00:12:45,833 And I assume you put this all on your Phoenix Suns purple credit card? 229 00:12:45,916 --> 00:12:47,958 That's right. Finally catching up to us, Pete. 230 00:12:48,041 --> 00:12:52,083 Look! It's got a basketball on it and the basketball is on fire. 231 00:12:52,166 --> 00:12:54,458 My God. It's a sun, Doug! 232 00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:56,208 Consideration. Yeah? 233 00:12:56,291 --> 00:13:01,583 Let's explore that word through my favorite activity, corporate role play. 234 00:13:01,666 --> 00:13:04,666 How about my dick plays the role of a salami 235 00:13:04,750 --> 00:13:08,375 and you have to slice it off to make a nice charcuterie? 236 00:13:08,458 --> 00:13:09,458 Um… 237 00:13:09,541 --> 00:13:11,791 Connie, why don't you join me up front? 238 00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:14,000 Okay, I love acting. 239 00:13:14,083 --> 00:13:16,500 Now, Connie, what is something you hate? 240 00:13:16,583 --> 00:13:18,375 Oh, gosh, so many things. 241 00:13:18,458 --> 00:13:22,041 The Apple TV remote, Adolf Hitler from Nazi Germany. 242 00:13:22,125 --> 00:13:25,250 Oh! And the sound of toenails getting clipped. 243 00:13:25,333 --> 00:13:26,708 Okay. Great. 244 00:13:26,791 --> 00:13:30,958 Now let's pretend that you're at your desk and I've come by to be a Chatty Kathy. 245 00:13:31,041 --> 00:13:32,958 All right… 246 00:13:33,041 --> 00:13:33,958 You may begin. 247 00:13:34,041 --> 00:13:35,250 Oh, hey, Connie. 248 00:13:35,333 --> 00:13:38,416 Sorry I was late for work. Mama's sick again. 249 00:13:38,500 --> 00:13:41,875 I wonder when I'll ever have my own life, 250 00:13:41,958 --> 00:13:45,041 -free of Mama, from all that wailing. 251 00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:47,416 Oh, my God, do you mind? 252 00:13:47,500 --> 00:13:51,208 And scene. Now, Connie, how did that make you feel? 253 00:13:51,291 --> 00:13:54,375 Bad! Like I gotta poop at a house party. 254 00:13:54,458 --> 00:13:57,791 So, would you say that I was considerate in that interaction? 255 00:13:57,875 --> 00:14:00,291 No! And you knew I didn't like that. 256 00:14:00,375 --> 00:14:02,458 Exactly. But I did it anyway. 257 00:14:02,541 --> 00:14:06,791 That's what we've been doing fucking in front of our co-workers. 258 00:14:06,875 --> 00:14:10,375 -We've been bad little birdies. -This is all such bullshit! 259 00:14:10,458 --> 00:14:14,208 Gavin, where's this resistance coming from? 260 00:14:14,291 --> 00:14:16,000 I don't know. My dick? 261 00:14:16,083 --> 00:14:19,041 -But you can always lop it off! 262 00:14:19,125 --> 00:14:20,166 -Gavin? -Yes? 263 00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:22,750 -Please pull out your pecker. -Yeah? Why? 264 00:14:22,833 --> 00:14:26,166 You said I could lop it off and I would like to lop it off, please. 265 00:14:26,250 --> 00:14:28,500 Right from where the shaft meets the balls. 266 00:14:28,583 --> 00:14:30,375 Oh God! Please don't take my dick. 267 00:14:30,458 --> 00:14:32,375 Why, Gavin? Why shouldn't I take your dick? 268 00:14:32,458 --> 00:14:36,666 Because I want it! I just… I-- I don't-- I don't think I deserve it! 269 00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:38,250 And why don't you deserve it? 270 00:14:38,333 --> 00:14:44,166 Because it's such a good penis. And I'm such a bad monster. 271 00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:47,083 Wow, that is a breakthrough. 272 00:14:47,166 --> 00:14:50,083 Mmm. Mama earned her glass of rat's blood tonight. 273 00:14:50,166 --> 00:14:51,500 Ooh, ooh! Now do me. 274 00:14:51,583 --> 00:14:54,166 Yeah, I wanna know why I hold onto so many winter coats. 275 00:14:54,250 --> 00:14:56,791 -I wanna know why I'm afraid of dolls. 276 00:14:56,875 --> 00:15:00,375 I want to know why I work with such a bunch of pathetic pussies. 277 00:15:00,458 --> 00:15:02,083 Okay, I bet she could tell ya. 278 00:15:02,166 --> 00:15:04,250 You're gonna love Yara. 279 00:15:04,333 --> 00:15:09,250 All my clients are my favorite, but Yara truly is my number one. 280 00:15:09,333 --> 00:15:11,416 -I'm her ride or die. 281 00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:14,916 Oh, man. You should have warned me your client was an old person. 282 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:18,791 I know we're not supposed to say it, but the elderly have a stew smell. 283 00:15:18,875 --> 00:15:22,083 Well, if we're not supposed to say it, then, honey, don't say it. 284 00:15:22,166 --> 00:15:23,958 Knock-knock. Guess who? 285 00:15:24,041 --> 00:15:27,958 -Safi! -That's right, baby. It's Safi time. 286 00:15:28,041 --> 00:15:30,625 Wait, Walter, what's happening? Who's Safi? 287 00:15:30,708 --> 00:15:33,083 Ooh, get ready for some shit, bug! 288 00:15:33,166 --> 00:15:36,708 -Are you Safi? Oh, God. Am I Safi? 289 00:15:37,291 --> 00:15:40,500 Ah! Beirut, 1972. 290 00:15:40,583 --> 00:15:43,750 -Wait, what? How did we get here? -Well, it's Yara's dementia. 291 00:15:43,833 --> 00:15:46,000 Oh, no, Yara has dementia? 292 00:15:46,083 --> 00:15:50,791 Uh-uh. Yara gets dementia because Yara has Alzheimer's. 293 00:15:50,875 --> 00:15:54,000 It's one of those diseases some humans get as they get older. 294 00:15:54,083 --> 00:15:56,875 It causes these fabulous time distortions. 295 00:15:56,958 --> 00:15:59,250 -Whoa. -Yara, my darling, 296 00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:01,916 we have a date with destiny. 297 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:04,750 You look so handsome in your suit, Walter. 298 00:16:04,833 --> 00:16:07,208 You know, I always dress up for… 299 00:16:07,291 --> 00:16:09,791 -Safi! 300 00:16:09,875 --> 00:16:13,500 Ooh-ooh! I'm gonna order a Lebanese cocktail. 301 00:16:13,583 --> 00:16:14,500 -Shh! -What? 302 00:16:14,583 --> 00:16:17,083 It's five o'clock in someone's mental decline. 303 00:16:17,166 --> 00:16:21,041 Hush! Destiny enters stage right. 304 00:16:21,125 --> 00:16:22,041 Safi! 305 00:16:23,666 --> 00:16:26,416 Oh, Safi is the waiter. 306 00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:29,666 She came here every day after university to see him. 307 00:16:29,750 --> 00:16:33,291 He serves her favorite rosewater tea without asking 308 00:16:33,375 --> 00:16:36,291 and an almond cookie he never charges her for. 309 00:16:36,375 --> 00:16:39,000 Actually, he stole a lot of stuff under the table, 310 00:16:39,083 --> 00:16:43,916 but alas, because of her family, they could never be seen together. 311 00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:45,875 Okay, forbidden love. 312 00:16:45,958 --> 00:16:48,750 Now, you're speaking my Danielle Steel language. 313 00:16:48,833 --> 00:16:50,416 Those books are porn. 314 00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:53,208 And isn't Yara just a star? 315 00:16:53,291 --> 00:16:56,375 I mean, following her heart, tradition be damned. 316 00:16:56,458 --> 00:16:58,375 Oh! Look, it's happening. 317 00:16:58,458 --> 00:17:00,166 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What does it say? 318 00:17:00,791 --> 00:17:03,583 "Tonight. The beach. Meet me." 319 00:17:03,666 --> 00:17:06,666 Oh! Such concise language. 320 00:17:06,750 --> 00:17:10,208 Man, I have a huge boner in my heart for these two. 321 00:17:10,291 --> 00:17:14,166 To quote Danielle Steel, "My member is throbbing." 322 00:17:14,250 --> 00:17:17,458 "Full vehicle wrap, neon purple underglow kit"? 323 00:17:17,541 --> 00:17:19,750 -"Custom Suns airbags"? 324 00:17:19,833 --> 00:17:22,166 Yeah, makes me want to crash my car. 325 00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:24,750 Uh, how could you possibly afford all this, Doug? 326 00:17:24,833 --> 00:17:26,041 You're a TaskRabbit. 327 00:17:26,125 --> 00:17:28,916 -Actually, my rating dropped too low. -Oh, God. 328 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:30,708 There was some mounting evidence 329 00:17:30,791 --> 00:17:33,333 -of some TV mounting accidents, so… -Sure. 330 00:17:33,416 --> 00:17:36,083 …now I'm just a rabbit 'cause I still love to fuck! 331 00:17:36,166 --> 00:17:37,666 -You sure do. -Go easy on him, Pete. 332 00:17:37,750 --> 00:17:38,916 He just lost his job. 333 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,375 Freelance labor matched to temporary local demand 334 00:17:41,458 --> 00:17:44,125 through an exploitative app is technically not a job, Rochelle. 335 00:17:44,208 --> 00:17:47,375 -Sounds like a job to me. Money is money. -It's a gig. A gig! 336 00:17:47,458 --> 00:17:50,291 Jeez, Pete, you sound a lot like Donna. 337 00:17:50,375 --> 00:17:51,833 And what about Donna, Doug? 338 00:17:51,916 --> 00:17:54,875 You're supposed to be saving money to buy Donna an engagement ring. 339 00:17:54,958 --> 00:17:57,916 -Oh! Damn. I didn't think about that. -No, you didn't. 340 00:17:58,000 --> 00:17:59,791 I was caught in the rapture of love. 341 00:17:59,875 --> 00:18:04,375 -What in the absolute fuck did you do now? -And here it comes. 342 00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:06,958 -I-- I can explain. -It's so fucking purple! 343 00:18:07,041 --> 00:18:09,041 Well, it's also orange and yellow. 344 00:18:09,125 --> 00:18:12,000 I can't fuckin' believe you, Doug. You did it again. 345 00:18:12,083 --> 00:18:14,500 Oh, God. Did what again, babe? 346 00:18:14,583 --> 00:18:16,583 Made me fall in love with you. 347 00:18:16,666 --> 00:18:19,125 -I love it! And I love you! 348 00:18:19,208 --> 00:18:21,625 Oh, babe, I love you! 349 00:18:24,250 --> 00:18:26,208 Okay. This doesn't make any sense. 350 00:18:26,291 --> 00:18:27,375 That's love, baby. 351 00:18:27,458 --> 00:18:28,541 You know what? 352 00:18:28,625 --> 00:18:32,208 I was gonna wait to do this at the Suns versus Nets game next week, 353 00:18:32,291 --> 00:18:34,791 but I'm so goddamn wet right now. 354 00:18:34,875 --> 00:18:38,416 Douglas Frederick, will you marry me? 355 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,958 Yes! Yes! Several times, yes! 356 00:18:43,041 --> 00:18:47,875 Now let's get all Steve Nashty in that throbbing chariot of yours. Go, Suns! 357 00:18:47,958 --> 00:18:49,041 Go, Suns! 358 00:18:49,125 --> 00:18:50,666 -Go, Suns! 359 00:18:50,750 --> 00:18:52,000 Go, Suns. 360 00:18:52,083 --> 00:18:55,291 Yara's here. She's ready, but will Safi show? 361 00:18:55,375 --> 00:18:57,791 Has Safi been killed by the secret police? 362 00:18:57,875 --> 00:18:59,916 JK, JK, he hasn't. 363 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:04,250 We've done this hundreds of times, but it's still my favorite. I'm addicted! 364 00:19:04,333 --> 00:19:06,041 And it never bothers you? 365 00:19:06,125 --> 00:19:06,958 Which part? 366 00:19:07,041 --> 00:19:11,083 The part where she's tragically trapped in an endless loop of lost memories? 367 00:19:11,166 --> 00:19:13,625 Emmy, let Yara and I have this. 368 00:19:13,708 --> 00:19:15,000 Oh! There he is. 369 00:19:15,083 --> 00:19:17,375 Oh! What a God damn Phoenician hunk. 370 00:19:17,458 --> 00:19:18,958 -Damn! 371 00:19:19,041 --> 00:19:20,708 I didn't think you'd come. 372 00:19:20,791 --> 00:19:23,541 Of course, I love you. I'd walk 500 kilometers for you. 373 00:19:23,625 --> 00:19:27,125 And I would walk 500 more just to be your-- 374 00:19:27,208 --> 00:19:28,666 Just shut up and kiss me! 375 00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:29,583 Mmm… 376 00:19:29,666 --> 00:19:32,083 Look at them. Such passion. 377 00:19:32,166 --> 00:19:35,916 Such a sunset. I want to stay here forever. 378 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,916 Ma! It's me, your son, Amir. 379 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,458 Do you know where they put the good blankets I got you? 380 00:19:41,541 --> 00:19:43,375 -Amir? 381 00:19:43,458 --> 00:19:46,208 You know, the ones with the Yorkshire Terriers you love? 382 00:19:46,291 --> 00:19:47,750 -Safi? -Not Safi. 383 00:19:47,833 --> 00:19:48,958 -Why no Safi? -Amir. 384 00:19:49,041 --> 00:19:52,250 Excuse me, do you know where our good blankets are? It's freezing in here. 385 00:19:52,333 --> 00:19:54,250 -I can see my mother's nipples. -Safi! 386 00:19:54,333 --> 00:19:56,625 What's happening? Why's that man talking about your nipples? 387 00:19:56,708 --> 00:19:57,541 Where are we? 388 00:19:57,625 --> 00:20:02,833 We're back in the U.S. of A-holes. He does this all the time. 389 00:20:02,916 --> 00:20:03,875 Walter, you're sweating. 390 00:20:03,958 --> 00:20:06,333 Stressing her out. Sticking her in here to die. 391 00:20:06,416 --> 00:20:09,458 Why can't she just be back in Lebanon with Safi? 392 00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:12,041 -This is so fucking unfair. 393 00:20:12,125 --> 00:20:15,208 Walter? Be careful. You're turning into a Hateworm. 394 00:20:15,291 --> 00:20:18,291 Love lesson number one million and one! 395 00:20:18,375 --> 00:20:24,083 The line between love and hate is thin as hell! 396 00:20:24,166 --> 00:20:26,041 You'd think if you cum enough, 397 00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:27,875 it'll finally drain the fat 398 00:20:27,958 --> 00:20:30,625 out of your fat fucking face, 399 00:20:30,708 --> 00:20:33,083 but that's just your mother talking. 400 00:20:34,458 --> 00:20:35,958 Didn't that feel good? 401 00:20:36,041 --> 00:20:38,125 Yeah. I feel fucking skinny. 402 00:20:38,208 --> 00:20:42,291 Oh! Pfft! Come on, Maurice. Don't you see what she's trying to do? 403 00:20:42,375 --> 00:20:45,083 What, help me divorce my self-esteem from my load size? 404 00:20:45,166 --> 00:20:48,750 No! She's trying to tame you. She's trying to tame all of us! 405 00:20:48,833 --> 00:20:52,083 I can imagine how frightening that must be for you, Mona. 406 00:20:52,166 --> 00:20:54,333 I can imagine popping out your eyeballs 407 00:20:54,416 --> 00:20:57,291 and dangling them from my crotch like a pair of testicles. 408 00:20:57,375 --> 00:20:58,500 Thank you for that. 409 00:20:58,583 --> 00:21:00,958 Come on, we are Hormone Monsters, don't you forget it. 410 00:21:01,041 --> 00:21:04,416 We're the fucking rock stars who get rock stars fucked. 411 00:21:04,500 --> 00:21:06,208 -It's true. -Does Steve Winwood count? 412 00:21:06,291 --> 00:21:07,583 'Cause I work with Steve Winwood. 413 00:21:07,666 --> 00:21:11,041 And rock stars write songs about fucking that make other people fuck! 414 00:21:11,125 --> 00:21:12,500 -Alright! -Steve Winwood fucks. 415 00:21:12,583 --> 00:21:13,500 More than you'd think. 416 00:21:13,583 --> 00:21:15,416 You tame us, you tame them. 417 00:21:15,500 --> 00:21:18,125 And if humans stop fucking, no more humans! 418 00:21:18,208 --> 00:21:21,291 -Yes! -No more humans, no more Human Resources. 419 00:21:21,375 --> 00:21:24,625 Yeah! And then you're all stuck working with that alien race 420 00:21:24,708 --> 00:21:27,000 that hasn't evolved past sucking its own dick. 421 00:21:27,083 --> 00:21:29,250 You wanna talk abut sex in the workplace? 422 00:21:29,333 --> 00:21:32,333 -Well, honey, sex is my workplace. 423 00:21:32,416 --> 00:21:35,583 Yeah! Preach, Mona, preach! 424 00:21:35,666 --> 00:21:37,333 -What do we want? -Sex! 425 00:21:37,416 --> 00:21:39,000 And when do we want it? 426 00:21:39,083 --> 00:21:40,791 All the time! 427 00:21:40,875 --> 00:21:44,458 -Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! -Chex Mix! Chex Mix! Chex Mix! 428 00:21:44,541 --> 00:21:46,708 Hey, Rick. We're chanting, "sex," bud. 429 00:21:46,791 --> 00:21:48,958 -Your move, Empathy. -Sex, sex! 430 00:21:49,041 --> 00:21:52,083 Stop! Okay. What if, as a compromise, 431 00:21:52,166 --> 00:21:56,208 I get Corporate to give you guys your own designated fuck room? 432 00:21:56,291 --> 00:21:58,833 Oh, with a drain in the middle so we can hose down our drippings? 433 00:21:58,916 --> 00:22:00,916 Well, that sounds more like a murder room. 434 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:03,500 Yeah! To murder our private parts in. 435 00:22:03,583 --> 00:22:05,000 Well, Mona, what do you say? 436 00:22:08,666 --> 00:22:11,083 They're falling in love. 437 00:22:11,166 --> 00:22:14,041 Throw in a flat-screen telly and a subscription to Starz. 438 00:22:14,125 --> 00:22:14,958 With a "Z." 439 00:22:15,041 --> 00:22:17,250 -And I suppose we have a deal. -Done. 440 00:22:18,250 --> 00:22:20,416 -Hey, listen, could we get a dildo cubby? -Yes! 441 00:22:20,500 --> 00:22:21,625 I'm just thinking ahead. 442 00:22:21,708 --> 00:22:24,250 -Where are we? I'm so confused! 443 00:22:24,333 --> 00:22:26,000 Mama, please. 444 00:22:26,083 --> 00:22:29,666 How dare you put your mother in this zoo for old people? 445 00:22:29,750 --> 00:22:32,541 -Relax. Take a deep breath. -Leave me alone! 446 00:22:32,625 --> 00:22:35,833 Do you know what an insult that is to your mama? 447 00:22:35,916 --> 00:22:37,833 -She did everything for you! 448 00:22:37,916 --> 00:22:39,625 -Walter! 449 00:22:39,708 --> 00:22:43,125 -I fucking hate her being old. -Ahh! 450 00:22:43,208 --> 00:22:45,750 He just wants his mother to have the good blankets. 451 00:22:45,833 --> 00:22:48,458 At least he visits her. He's doing his best! 452 00:22:48,541 --> 00:22:51,750 -Oh, Mama, I almost forgot. -Oh, my God! What was that? 453 00:22:52,750 --> 00:22:56,125 -Is this rose tea from the café? 454 00:22:56,208 --> 00:22:59,875 Yeah, I told you. I ordered it from YourLebaneseMothersTeas.com. 455 00:22:59,958 --> 00:23:01,041 -Aww. -And it's not cheap. 456 00:23:01,125 --> 00:23:04,291 -Here, Walter, smell. Smell the tea. 457 00:23:04,375 --> 00:23:06,250 Oh. Oh! 458 00:23:06,333 --> 00:23:08,958 That smells like… Safi. 459 00:23:10,791 --> 00:23:12,833 Finally. I bought these nice blankets 460 00:23:12,916 --> 00:23:14,791 for my mother and you keep them in the closet? 461 00:23:14,875 --> 00:23:16,500 -What are we paying you for? 462 00:23:16,583 --> 00:23:18,583 This is my son Amir. 463 00:23:18,666 --> 00:23:23,125 He visits me every day and he takes the best care of me. 464 00:23:23,208 --> 00:23:26,208 Please, Mama. Not in front of the doggies. 465 00:23:26,291 --> 00:23:29,583 I always forget this part. It's nice. 466 00:23:29,666 --> 00:23:31,916 "Always"? This happens every time? 467 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,083 Oh, no. Sometimes I really lose my shit. 468 00:23:34,166 --> 00:23:37,125 And he keeps visiting even though you freak out on him? 469 00:23:37,208 --> 00:23:39,958 And she doesn't know who he is half the time? 470 00:23:40,041 --> 00:23:41,500 Well, he loves her. 471 00:23:41,583 --> 00:23:44,708 Huh. I guess love means showing up? 472 00:23:44,791 --> 00:23:49,416 Well, look at you! All the way up to lesson number one million and two. 473 00:23:49,500 --> 00:23:53,833 Hm… And so then, maybe, I should be showing up for Becca. 474 00:23:53,916 --> 00:23:57,916 Hey, now, you're not as grossly incompetent as you claim to be. 475 00:23:58,000 --> 00:23:59,208 Well, I never said that. 476 00:23:59,291 --> 00:24:01,583 Oh! Then who said that? Somebody said that. 477 00:24:01,666 --> 00:24:03,833 Did I say that? I probably did. 478 00:24:06,125 --> 00:24:09,416 Hey, Petey-Petey, you rock-hard sweetie. You still mad at me? 479 00:24:09,500 --> 00:24:14,583 Hey, Rochelle-Rochelle. You are a Lovebug. We work together. 480 00:24:14,666 --> 00:24:15,541 I guess that's a no? 481 00:24:15,625 --> 00:24:20,250 Well, it seems Doug's terrible purple car worked out even better than you thought. 482 00:24:20,333 --> 00:24:21,500 What's up, everybody? 483 00:24:21,583 --> 00:24:25,500 I'm in Hartford, Connecticut, today, and this fool's driving me around. 484 00:24:25,583 --> 00:24:27,000 Look what he did to his car. 485 00:24:27,083 --> 00:24:31,083 Hey, Sir Charles, the basketball is also a sun! 486 00:24:31,166 --> 00:24:34,166 Oh, man, this guy is an idiot. 487 00:24:34,250 --> 00:24:35,250 I love it. 488 00:24:35,333 --> 00:24:37,541 -Doug got a job? Gig. He got a gig. 489 00:24:37,625 --> 00:24:39,875 -Yeah, with his hero! -Well, it's a start. 490 00:24:39,958 --> 00:24:42,250 Well, I got you something. A little peace offering. 491 00:24:42,333 --> 00:24:43,208 Oh. 492 00:24:43,291 --> 00:24:46,500 You, uh, know I'm a rock, right? I don't get cold. 493 00:24:46,583 --> 00:24:49,125 Of course you don't. But hey, you look kinda cute. 494 00:24:49,208 --> 00:24:50,041 -I do? -Mm-hm. 495 00:24:50,125 --> 00:24:51,791 -Oh, thank you. -Of course. 496 00:24:51,875 --> 00:24:53,583 -We, uh, have a thing now. -Yeah. 497 00:24:53,666 --> 00:24:55,750 A sense of camaraderie captured in a meaningful object. 498 00:24:55,833 --> 00:24:57,875 Okay, if that's what you want to call it. 499 00:24:57,958 --> 00:24:59,541 I like it despite its impracticality. 500 00:24:59,625 --> 00:25:01,500 Okay, cool. I'm done. Have a good night. 501 00:25:01,583 --> 00:25:03,375 -Good night, Rochelle. 502 00:25:03,458 --> 00:25:05,875 We hormone monsters want you to know… 503 00:25:05,958 --> 00:25:06,875 We hear you. 504 00:25:06,958 --> 00:25:08,125 We see you. 505 00:25:08,208 --> 00:25:10,458 We respect you, man, and women. 506 00:25:10,541 --> 00:25:13,041 And we're sorry we were naughty. 507 00:25:13,125 --> 00:25:14,791 But we've learned something. 508 00:25:14,875 --> 00:25:17,208 We deserve our good dicks. 509 00:25:17,291 --> 00:25:19,791 And we're gonna try to be more, you know, considerate. 510 00:25:19,875 --> 00:25:21,875 Yeah. And more professional. 511 00:25:21,958 --> 00:25:25,625 All while still being the rocking fuck stars that we are. 512 00:25:25,708 --> 00:25:28,208 Teamwork is cream-work! 513 00:25:28,291 --> 00:25:30,250 There's a drain in the middle. 514 00:25:30,333 --> 00:25:31,708 -Oh, yeah! 515 00:25:31,791 --> 00:25:32,875 Oh, God! 516 00:25:34,625 --> 00:25:36,500 Jose, answer the damn phones! 517 00:25:36,583 --> 00:25:39,958 Oh, for crying out loud, Petra! I'm on my lunch break.