1
00:00:10,833 --> 00:00:13,166
Hello. Human Resources.
How may I direct your call?
2
00:00:13,250 --> 00:00:17,333
Oh, I totally get it.
My son just left for college too.
3
00:00:17,416 --> 00:00:21,083
Oh, let me connect you to
the Identity Crisis Center. Please hold.
4
00:00:21,166 --> 00:00:22,291
Grace, I'm going on my break.
5
00:00:22,375 --> 00:00:25,375
I don't get it.
Why doesn't Phil just feed himself?
6
00:00:25,458 --> 00:00:26,958
-Oh, hi!
-Right there!
7
00:00:27,041 --> 00:00:29,333
Sex in the kitchen again.
Yay, fun.
8
00:00:29,416 --> 00:00:33,083
The fuckin' show is called
Somebody Feed Phil, baby.Oh, shit!
9
00:00:33,166 --> 00:00:35,375
-Oh, whoops. Sorry. Sorry.
10
00:00:35,458 --> 00:00:36,458
Every bite with this guy,
11
00:00:36,541 --> 00:00:38,791
it's like he's been on Earth
for two whole fucking minutes.
12
00:00:38,875 --> 00:00:40,750
He looks like a toddler getting
a colonoscopy.
13
00:00:40,833 --> 00:00:43,250
-Face or tits, honey? Quick! Face or tits?
14
00:00:43,333 --> 00:00:44,958
Neither. It'll cake in my fur.
15
00:00:45,041 --> 00:00:47,791
Or you could not ejaculate
in the kitchen at all.
16
00:00:47,875 --> 00:00:50,666
-Let's just both blam on the floor.
-Here I come!
17
00:00:50,750 --> 00:00:52,875
Okay, I'm just gonna grab
my Chinese chicken salad.
18
00:00:52,958 --> 00:00:54,833
All right, fine,
I'll watch the bloody show.
19
00:00:54,916 --> 00:00:57,291
Ah, don't bother.
I can already tell you won't like it.
20
00:00:57,375 --> 00:01:00,875
You know, Phil Rosenthal created
Everybody Loves Raymo--
21
00:01:00,958 --> 00:01:02,041
Oh, God!
22
00:01:02,125 --> 00:01:04,458
I slipped in the cum!
23
00:01:04,541 --> 00:01:05,916
Oh! Oh!
24
00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:07,875
I think I broke six of my--
25
00:01:07,958 --> 00:01:09,791
Seven of my legs!
26
00:01:11,916 --> 00:01:13,875
And my salad is ruined!
27
00:01:49,916 --> 00:01:52,625
How is Jose supposed to answer
the goddamn phones now?
28
00:01:52,708 --> 00:01:54,250
Oh, I can still manage.
29
00:01:54,333 --> 00:01:56,666
Don't be a fuckin' hero, Jose,
let it go to voicemail.
30
00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:58,458
Whoa, whoa. What's going on here?
31
00:01:58,541 --> 00:02:02,333
Mona and Gavin were fornicating
in the kitchen again
32
00:02:02,416 --> 00:02:04,333
and left a puddle of ejaculate.
33
00:02:04,416 --> 00:02:07,125
Excuse me, it was a pile of ejaculate.
34
00:02:07,208 --> 00:02:09,666
It looked like an anthill
made of mayonnaise.
35
00:02:09,750 --> 00:02:12,208
Well, Jose almost died on that anthill.
36
00:02:12,291 --> 00:02:15,125
He can't die.
He's a super spider.
37
00:02:15,208 --> 00:02:18,208
-He's in Sony, he's in Marvel…
38
00:02:18,291 --> 00:02:21,708
I think you're thinking
of Spider-Man? I'm just a spider, man.
39
00:02:21,791 --> 00:02:23,708
-Jose. Hi.
-Hi.
40
00:02:23,791 --> 00:02:26,083
Oh, shut the fuck up, Jose.
Don't be nice to these animals.
41
00:02:26,166 --> 00:02:28,083
"Animals"? We're not animals.
42
00:02:28,166 --> 00:02:33,125
We are monsters. Insatiable,
hairy jizz monsters with no boundaries!
43
00:02:33,208 --> 00:02:35,416
Ooh! I wish I could cut off my own cock
44
00:02:35,500 --> 00:02:38,083
so you could strap it on
and fuck me with it right now!
45
00:02:38,166 --> 00:02:41,333
Hey, Mona, Gavino,
maybe take it down a notch?
46
00:02:41,416 --> 00:02:44,041
I think our coworkers
are just looking for a little apology.
47
00:02:44,125 --> 00:02:45,666
Okay, fine!
48
00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:47,416
I'm so sorry
49
00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:50,958
Mona and me left a lot of cum
on the floor in the office kitchen.
50
00:02:51,041 --> 00:02:55,000
-And a teensy bit of urine.
-I'm very sorry about my cum.
51
00:02:55,083 --> 00:02:56,958
Okay? Everybody happy?
52
00:02:57,041 --> 00:03:01,125
The Archdiocese of Baltimore
apologizes better than that.
53
00:03:01,208 --> 00:03:04,541
And it's not just Mona and Gavin
who should be apologizing, thank you.
54
00:03:04,625 --> 00:03:06,708
It's all of you.
Todd, roll the fuckin' tape.
55
00:03:06,791 --> 00:03:10,625
-You fuck on our mail carts.
-Hey, it's your favorite aunt, Grace.
56
00:03:10,708 --> 00:03:13,166
Toot, toot! Hot bones coming through!
57
00:03:13,250 --> 00:03:16,541
You fellate each other
in our vents and on our desks!
58
00:03:16,625 --> 00:03:18,833
Hey, Gil, you using
a different dick shampoo?
59
00:03:18,916 --> 00:03:21,541
-Even the fucking snack machine!
60
00:03:21,625 --> 00:03:26,125
My favorite snack
is Beats by Dre headphones at the airport!
61
00:03:26,208 --> 00:03:29,833
Working with you
is ruining our fucking lives.
62
00:03:29,916 --> 00:03:31,833
Uh, one second.
Was that last one my house?
63
00:03:31,916 --> 00:03:35,750
Yes, Jose. We sometimes fuck
at your place and watch Starz.
64
00:03:35,833 --> 00:03:37,458
Starz with a "Z," baby!
65
00:03:37,541 --> 00:03:40,166
Ugh! That's it. I am calling Corporate.
66
00:03:40,250 --> 00:03:41,666
-What? Oh, man!
-Corporate?
67
00:03:41,750 --> 00:03:44,541
Those prissy twats
wouldn't know a hard dick
68
00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:46,375
if you chased them
down the stairwell with it.
69
00:03:46,458 --> 00:03:49,166
Ooh, you guys are in trouble!
70
00:03:49,250 --> 00:03:52,958
-You too! You're jerking off right now.
-No, I'm not!
71
00:03:53,041 --> 00:03:55,000
-Oh, yes you are.
-No, I'm not.
72
00:03:55,083 --> 00:03:57,541
-Yes, you are.
-No, I'm not!
73
00:03:59,166 --> 00:04:00,000
No, I'm not.
74
00:04:00,083 --> 00:04:05,916
Hey, Walter! Okay, I'm taking a survey.
Would you rather fart fire or pee ice?
75
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:09,208
I'll pee ice. Duh!
76
00:04:09,291 --> 00:04:11,458
Wait, why are you here and not with Becca?
77
00:04:11,541 --> 00:04:13,750
Oh, she doesn't need
me bothering her right now.
78
00:04:13,833 --> 00:04:14,708
She just had a baby.
79
00:04:14,791 --> 00:04:19,583
-So, you're avoiding her.
-Pssh! No, I'm giving her space.
80
00:04:19,666 --> 00:04:25,125
Love is about many things, bug,
but "space" is not one of them.
81
00:04:25,208 --> 00:04:30,750
Love is smothering like a rogue nurse
who's taken mercy into her own hands.
82
00:04:30,833 --> 00:04:33,291
Wow. I guess I have
a lot to learn about love?
83
00:04:33,375 --> 00:04:34,208
Yeah, no shit.
84
00:04:34,291 --> 00:04:36,666
I have an incredible idea.
85
00:04:36,750 --> 00:04:38,291
You should learn about love
86
00:04:38,375 --> 00:04:40,666
from the bug
who knows the most about love,
87
00:04:40,750 --> 00:04:42,541
and that bug happens to be
88
00:04:42,625 --> 00:04:44,958
-grabbing you by the collar right now.
89
00:04:45,041 --> 00:04:49,541
-Are you gonna kill me?
-Ooh! Better, honey. I'm gonna teach you!
90
00:04:49,625 --> 00:04:52,666
It's a Lovebug
ride-along, bitch.
91
00:04:52,750 --> 00:04:55,500
-Let's go! Whoo!
-Whoa!
92
00:04:56,791 --> 00:04:59,375
-My spider dick!
93
00:04:59,458 --> 00:05:01,583
Rochelle, do you want to
tell me what this is?
94
00:05:01,666 --> 00:05:05,500
An application for the Phoenix Suns
credit card our client Doug wants to get?
95
00:05:05,583 --> 00:05:08,708
-Well, yes, that's objectively what it is.
-And subjectively?
96
00:05:08,791 --> 00:05:11,083
A bad decision. This is a joke credit card
97
00:05:11,166 --> 00:05:13,375
and the punchline
is a lifetime of crushing debt.
98
00:05:13,458 --> 00:05:15,541
Ugh, you are such a Logic Rock!
99
00:05:15,625 --> 00:05:17,541
The Connecticut Costco Credit Union
100
00:05:17,625 --> 00:05:20,208
has a perfectly reasonable card
and it's not purple.
101
00:05:20,291 --> 00:05:24,500
But Doug loves the Phoenix Suns.
He's their number one Hartford fan.
102
00:05:24,583 --> 00:05:27,250
And if he spends over 30,000
in the first three months,
103
00:05:27,333 --> 00:05:31,125
he earns a full leather
varsity Suns jacket. It's so purple.
104
00:05:31,208 --> 00:05:35,250
No! Doug needs to be saving money
for Donna's engagement ring.
105
00:05:35,333 --> 00:05:37,958
That can be the first thing he buys
with his new Suns credit card.
106
00:05:38,041 --> 00:05:39,458
Look, I know you've achieved
107
00:05:39,541 --> 00:05:41,208
a lot of success
in a short amount of time.
108
00:05:41,291 --> 00:05:43,791
-And you're classically good-looking…
-Mmhmm. I was born this way.
109
00:05:43,875 --> 00:05:45,166
-…and people like you.
-Boy, stop.
110
00:05:45,250 --> 00:05:47,375
But you're mistaking that for being right,
111
00:05:47,458 --> 00:05:49,750
which you're not, you're very, very wrong.
112
00:05:49,833 --> 00:05:53,208
This card isn't just irresponsible,
it's dumb and purple.
113
00:05:53,291 --> 00:05:55,791
Hm. You know what? You're totally right.
114
00:05:55,875 --> 00:06:00,125
The Costco card makes much more sense.
How did I not see that before?
115
00:06:00,208 --> 00:06:01,375
-So stupid. Ah!
-Oh, uh…
116
00:06:01,458 --> 00:06:04,083
Well, don't be too hard on yourself.
The print is very tiny.
117
00:06:04,166 --> 00:06:06,750
See? That's why we work so well together.
118
00:06:06,833 --> 00:06:09,291
I have an idea,
and you tell me why it's dumb.
119
00:06:09,375 --> 00:06:11,083
I'll go clear this up with Doug.
Thank you.
120
00:06:11,166 --> 00:06:13,500
Oh, well, de nada. In fact, thank you.
121
00:06:13,583 --> 00:06:14,666
Oh, no, thank you.
122
00:06:14,750 --> 00:06:18,041
Okay, I'm just gonna close the loop
and just say, "You're welcome."
123
00:06:18,125 --> 00:06:21,458
This is horseshit.
We don't need sensitivity training.
124
00:06:21,541 --> 00:06:25,250
Yeah. I'm very sensitive.
I can't even watch a Hallmark commercial
125
00:06:25,333 --> 00:06:27,333
without frosting my coffee table.
126
00:06:27,416 --> 00:06:29,750
I say, the minute
this bozo from Corporate comes in,
127
00:06:29,833 --> 00:06:32,125
we cut off my dick
and throw it at his head.
128
00:06:32,208 --> 00:06:33,333
-Yeah!
-That's right.
129
00:06:33,416 --> 00:06:35,791
You really want
someone to cut off your dick, huh, chief?
130
00:06:35,875 --> 00:06:37,541
Yeah, maybe.
What are you gonna do about it?
131
00:06:37,625 --> 00:06:39,416
Cut off my dick?
Here. Here's a bread knife.
132
00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:41,791
-Okay, monster friends.
133
00:06:41,875 --> 00:06:46,250
Let's put away the knives
and keep our genitals on our bodies, yeah?
134
00:06:46,333 --> 00:06:47,166
Sound good?
135
00:06:47,250 --> 00:06:49,583
Oh, you must be
the killjoy from Corporate.
136
00:06:49,666 --> 00:06:53,208
I could hear your tight butthole
squeaking down the hallway.
137
00:06:54,333 --> 00:06:58,958
Yes, I'm from Corporate and I do have
a tight butthole, but I also have a name.
138
00:06:59,041 --> 00:07:02,916
It's Empathy Mulholland.
And, folks, I get it.
139
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:04,375
You don't want me here.
140
00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:07,375
Yeah, we wanna kill you
and make doody on your corpse!
141
00:07:07,458 --> 00:07:11,625
Tyler! But yes, as always,
the fucking idiot speaks for all of us.
142
00:07:11,708 --> 00:07:16,375
But, hey, monsters, we have a problem.
Your coworkers are upset.
143
00:07:16,458 --> 00:07:19,750
Our coworkers
can suck Gavin's severed dick.
144
00:07:19,833 --> 00:07:23,708
-Yeah!
-I hear you. You're Hormone Monsters.
145
00:07:23,791 --> 00:07:26,166
You want to fornicate
wherever and whenever you want.
146
00:07:26,250 --> 00:07:28,000
-Yeah!
-She gets it!
147
00:07:28,083 --> 00:07:30,625
I can tell you're very passionate
about intercourse,
148
00:07:30,708 --> 00:07:31,875
and that's beautiful,
149
00:07:31,958 --> 00:07:36,041
but you just can't do it in the office
ever again starting right now.
150
00:07:36,125 --> 00:07:37,000
What?
151
00:07:38,083 --> 00:07:41,000
I'm so mad, I wanna fuck
in my place of business!
152
00:07:41,083 --> 00:07:42,083
Let's get out of here.
153
00:07:42,166 --> 00:07:45,416
We can go "intercourse"
at Jose's house and watch Starz.
154
00:07:45,500 --> 00:07:46,791
With a "Z"!
155
00:07:46,875 --> 00:07:49,791
Ooh! That sounds like
a really nice afternoon.
156
00:07:49,875 --> 00:07:53,583
But, unfortunately,
if I don't sign-off on your training,
157
00:07:53,666 --> 00:07:55,750
you're all gonna get fired. Yucky.
158
00:07:55,833 --> 00:07:57,083
-What the fuck?
159
00:07:57,166 --> 00:08:00,750
I can't go back to work
on the flip-flop factory floor.
160
00:08:00,833 --> 00:08:02,208
It's too hard to say!
161
00:08:02,291 --> 00:08:06,208
And I can't move back in with my parents!
They don't let me party, man!
162
00:08:06,291 --> 00:08:09,041
-Mona?
-Fine. I'll stay.
163
00:08:09,125 --> 00:08:11,708
But I'm going to be incredibly unpleasant.
164
00:08:11,791 --> 00:08:13,125
Just like my parents
165
00:08:13,208 --> 00:08:17,500
when they found me smoking
that icky-sticky with all my cool friends.
166
00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:20,916
Whoo-hoo!
167
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,708
Good morning, Long Island!
168
00:08:23,791 --> 00:08:24,916
Love is in the air.
169
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:28,250
Can you smell it, Emmy?
Can you smell the love?
170
00:08:28,333 --> 00:08:31,541
That depends.
Does love smell like garbage?
171
00:08:31,625 --> 00:08:33,541
No, that's just Long Island, honey.
172
00:08:33,625 --> 00:08:39,875
Now, my first client, his love is so big,
it could fill all of Lake Ronkonkoma.
173
00:08:39,958 --> 00:08:44,375
All the way from Lakeshore Road
to Little Vincent's Pizzeria.
174
00:08:44,458 --> 00:08:47,583
And if you don't know Long Island,
that's really far away.
175
00:08:47,666 --> 00:08:51,000
So, you're just at 100% all the time, huh?
176
00:08:51,083 --> 00:08:52,750
Love lesson number one:
177
00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:56,458
if you're not giving it 100
then what's the fucking point?
178
00:08:56,541 --> 00:08:59,500
Now, walk with me. Hold my hand.
Squeeze it, crush it!
179
00:08:59,583 --> 00:09:01,625
-I don't wanna!
-Harder, I wanna hear the bones.
180
00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:02,541
-Oh!
181
00:09:02,625 --> 00:09:05,375
-Good morning, Brent. Mwah!
-Mwah! Mwah!
182
00:09:05,458 --> 00:09:07,500
Good morning, Walter. You're just in time.
183
00:09:07,583 --> 00:09:11,000
Somebody's grumpy-pants because
they haven't had their bweakfast.
184
00:09:11,083 --> 00:09:12,291
The shrimp's almost ready!
185
00:09:12,375 --> 00:09:17,666
Oh, okay. The husband is cute and
he's cooking prawns at dawn, Emmy likey.
186
00:09:17,750 --> 00:09:19,041
Gerald's fine.
187
00:09:19,125 --> 00:09:25,458
We only stay with him because
we could never share custody of Mr. Tails!
188
00:09:25,541 --> 00:09:28,125
-Ooh, yes, hunty, yass!
189
00:09:28,208 --> 00:09:32,000
Cat -egory is thick girls with attitude!
190
00:09:32,083 --> 00:09:35,166
-Strut, strut!
-You're here because Brent loves a cat?
191
00:09:35,250 --> 00:09:36,416
-Of course!
-Yass!
192
00:09:36,500 --> 00:09:41,791
Mr. Tails is the most magnificent creature
that's ever graced this disgusting city.
193
00:09:41,875 --> 00:09:44,250
-Who's our favorite baby kitty cat?
-Ooh!
194
00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:47,458
Who's keeping me in this dead marriage?
You are!
195
00:09:47,541 --> 00:09:51,541
Uh, am I missing something?
I mean, that's just a stupid cat, right?
196
00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:53,500
Love lesson number two!
197
00:09:53,583 --> 00:09:56,083
The world is made up of many types of love
198
00:09:56,166 --> 00:10:00,666
and they're all perfect
and they're all equally important.
199
00:10:00,750 --> 00:10:02,083
Whoo!
200
00:10:02,166 --> 00:10:04,166
Jesus, Walter, is that cocaine?
201
00:10:04,250 --> 00:10:07,541
It's catnip, baby.
Kitty coke. The meow pow.
202
00:10:07,625 --> 00:10:08,916
-Meow-meow!
-Ow!
203
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:12,666
-You scratched me, you fucking psycho!
204
00:10:12,750 --> 00:10:15,750
Love lessons
number three through a million:
205
00:10:15,833 --> 00:10:19,666
-Love is a fucking psycho.
206
00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:53,375
Okay, are you sure that catnip
wasn't actually cocaine?
207
00:11:53,458 --> 00:11:55,291
No, I'm not!
208
00:11:56,791 --> 00:11:57,916
Doh!
209
00:11:58,000 --> 00:11:58,833
Damn it!
210
00:11:58,916 --> 00:11:59,958
Um, Rochelle?
211
00:12:00,041 --> 00:12:01,291
Mr. Pete-Pete-Pete.
212
00:12:01,375 --> 00:12:03,416
Hey. I feel like
I was a little rough earlier
213
00:12:03,500 --> 00:12:05,375
when I was explaining
how dumb your idea was.
214
00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:09,500
Look. I get it. You're a Logic Rock.
You're just doing what you think is right.
215
00:12:09,583 --> 00:12:10,708
Oh. Exactly.
216
00:12:10,791 --> 00:12:13,708
And I was just doing
what I think Doug would love.
217
00:12:13,791 --> 00:12:16,125
Totally. Uh, wait. What did you do?
218
00:12:16,208 --> 00:12:18,166
You'll see.
219
00:12:18,250 --> 00:12:21,416
What did you do? That car is a lease!
220
00:12:21,500 --> 00:12:25,208
Isn't it boss?
Now my whole car looks like the jacket.
221
00:12:25,291 --> 00:12:26,708
Oh! Do you love it, Doug?
222
00:12:26,791 --> 00:12:30,041
Uh, was Charles Barkley
the most dominant power forward
223
00:12:30,125 --> 00:12:33,000
in NBA history
despite being only six foot four?
224
00:12:33,083 --> 00:12:34,041
He sure was.
225
00:12:34,125 --> 00:12:36,708
You Lovebugs make
the most ridiculous decisions.
226
00:12:36,791 --> 00:12:40,791
-It's impossible to collaborate with you.
-Come on. You love it, you dumbass rock.
227
00:12:40,875 --> 00:12:42,125
I certainly love it.
228
00:12:42,208 --> 00:12:45,833
And I assume you put this all
on your Phoenix Suns purple credit card?
229
00:12:45,916 --> 00:12:47,958
That's right.
Finally catching up to us, Pete.
230
00:12:48,041 --> 00:12:52,083
Look! It's got a basketball on it
and the basketball is on fire.
231
00:12:52,166 --> 00:12:54,458
My God. It's a sun, Doug!
232
00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:56,208
Consideration. Yeah?
233
00:12:56,291 --> 00:13:01,583
Let's explore that word through
my favorite activity, corporate role play.
234
00:13:01,666 --> 00:13:04,666
How about my dick
plays the role of a salami
235
00:13:04,750 --> 00:13:08,375
and you have to slice it off
to make a nice charcuterie?
236
00:13:08,458 --> 00:13:09,458
Um…
237
00:13:09,541 --> 00:13:11,791
Connie, why don't you join me up front?
238
00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:14,000
Okay, I love acting.
239
00:13:14,083 --> 00:13:16,500
Now, Connie, what is something you hate?
240
00:13:16,583 --> 00:13:18,375
Oh, gosh, so many things.
241
00:13:18,458 --> 00:13:22,041
The Apple TV remote,
Adolf Hitler from Nazi Germany.
242
00:13:22,125 --> 00:13:25,250
Oh! And the sound of toenails
getting clipped.
243
00:13:25,333 --> 00:13:26,708
Okay. Great.
244
00:13:26,791 --> 00:13:30,958
Now let's pretend that you're at your desk
and I've come by to be a Chatty Kathy.
245
00:13:31,041 --> 00:13:32,958
All right…
246
00:13:33,041 --> 00:13:33,958
You may begin.
247
00:13:34,041 --> 00:13:35,250
Oh, hey, Connie.
248
00:13:35,333 --> 00:13:38,416
Sorry I was late for work.
Mama's sick again.
249
00:13:38,500 --> 00:13:41,875
I wonder when I'll ever have my own life,
250
00:13:41,958 --> 00:13:45,041
-free of Mama, from all that wailing.
251
00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:47,416
Oh, my God, do you mind?
252
00:13:47,500 --> 00:13:51,208
And scene.
Now, Connie, how did that make you feel?
253
00:13:51,291 --> 00:13:54,375
Bad! Like I gotta poop at a house party.
254
00:13:54,458 --> 00:13:57,791
So, would you say that
I was considerate in that interaction?
255
00:13:57,875 --> 00:14:00,291
No! And you knew I didn't like that.
256
00:14:00,375 --> 00:14:02,458
Exactly. But I did it anyway.
257
00:14:02,541 --> 00:14:06,791
That's what we've been doing
fucking in front of our co-workers.
258
00:14:06,875 --> 00:14:10,375
-We've been bad little birdies.
-This is all such bullshit!
259
00:14:10,458 --> 00:14:14,208
Gavin, where's this resistance
coming from?
260
00:14:14,291 --> 00:14:16,000
I don't know. My dick?
261
00:14:16,083 --> 00:14:19,041
-But you can always lop it off!
262
00:14:19,125 --> 00:14:20,166
-Gavin?
-Yes?
263
00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:22,750
-Please pull out your pecker.
-Yeah? Why?
264
00:14:22,833 --> 00:14:26,166
You said I could lop it off
and I would like to lop it off, please.
265
00:14:26,250 --> 00:14:28,500
Right from where the shaft
meets the balls.
266
00:14:28,583 --> 00:14:30,375
Oh God! Please don't take my dick.
267
00:14:30,458 --> 00:14:32,375
Why, Gavin?
Why shouldn't I take your dick?
268
00:14:32,458 --> 00:14:36,666
Because I want it! I just…
I-- I don't-- I don't think I deserve it!
269
00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:38,250
And why don't you deserve it?
270
00:14:38,333 --> 00:14:44,166
Because it's such a good penis.
And I'm such a bad monster.
271
00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:47,083
Wow, that is a breakthrough.
272
00:14:47,166 --> 00:14:50,083
Mmm. Mama earned her
glass of rat's blood tonight.
273
00:14:50,166 --> 00:14:51,500
Ooh, ooh! Now do me.
274
00:14:51,583 --> 00:14:54,166
Yeah, I wanna know
why I hold onto so many winter coats.
275
00:14:54,250 --> 00:14:56,791
-I wanna know why I'm afraid of dolls.
276
00:14:56,875 --> 00:15:00,375
I want to know why I work
with such a bunch of pathetic pussies.
277
00:15:00,458 --> 00:15:02,083
Okay, I bet she could tell ya.
278
00:15:02,166 --> 00:15:04,250
You're gonna love Yara.
279
00:15:04,333 --> 00:15:09,250
All my clients are my favorite,
but Yara truly is my number one.
280
00:15:09,333 --> 00:15:11,416
-I'm her ride or die.
281
00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:14,916
Oh, man. You should have warned me
your client was an old person.
282
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:18,791
I know we're not supposed to say it,
but the elderly have a stew smell.
283
00:15:18,875 --> 00:15:22,083
Well, if we're not supposed to say it,
then, honey, don't say it.
284
00:15:22,166 --> 00:15:23,958
Knock-knock. Guess who?
285
00:15:24,041 --> 00:15:27,958
-Safi!
-That's right, baby. It's Safi time.
286
00:15:28,041 --> 00:15:30,625
Wait, Walter, what's happening?
Who's Safi?
287
00:15:30,708 --> 00:15:33,083
Ooh, get ready for some shit, bug!
288
00:15:33,166 --> 00:15:36,708
-Are you Safi? Oh, God. Am I Safi?
289
00:15:37,291 --> 00:15:40,500
Ah! Beirut, 1972.
290
00:15:40,583 --> 00:15:43,750
-Wait, what? How did we get here?
-Well, it's Yara's dementia.
291
00:15:43,833 --> 00:15:46,000
Oh, no, Yara has dementia?
292
00:15:46,083 --> 00:15:50,791
Uh-uh. Yara gets dementia
because Yara has Alzheimer's.
293
00:15:50,875 --> 00:15:54,000
It's one of those diseases
some humans get as they get older.
294
00:15:54,083 --> 00:15:56,875
It causes these fabulous time distortions.
295
00:15:56,958 --> 00:15:59,250
-Whoa.
-Yara, my darling,
296
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:01,916
we have a date with destiny.
297
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:04,750
You look so handsome
in your suit, Walter.
298
00:16:04,833 --> 00:16:07,208
You know, I always dress up for…
299
00:16:07,291 --> 00:16:09,791
-Safi!
300
00:16:09,875 --> 00:16:13,500
Ooh-ooh! I'm gonna order
a Lebanese cocktail.
301
00:16:13,583 --> 00:16:14,500
-Shh!
-What?
302
00:16:14,583 --> 00:16:17,083
It's five o'clock
in someone's mental decline.
303
00:16:17,166 --> 00:16:21,041
Hush! Destiny enters stage right.
304
00:16:21,125 --> 00:16:22,041
Safi!
305
00:16:23,666 --> 00:16:26,416
Oh, Safi is the waiter.
306
00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:29,666
She came here every day
after university to see him.
307
00:16:29,750 --> 00:16:33,291
He serves her favorite rosewater tea
without asking
308
00:16:33,375 --> 00:16:36,291
and an almond cookie
he never charges her for.
309
00:16:36,375 --> 00:16:39,000
Actually, he stole
a lot of stuff under the table,
310
00:16:39,083 --> 00:16:43,916
but alas, because of her family,
they could never be seen together.
311
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:45,875
Okay, forbidden love.
312
00:16:45,958 --> 00:16:48,750
Now, you're speaking
my Danielle Steel language.
313
00:16:48,833 --> 00:16:50,416
Those books are porn.
314
00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:53,208
And isn't Yara just a star?
315
00:16:53,291 --> 00:16:56,375
I mean, following her heart,
tradition be damned.
316
00:16:56,458 --> 00:16:58,375
Oh! Look, it's happening.
317
00:16:58,458 --> 00:17:00,166
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What does it say?
318
00:17:00,791 --> 00:17:03,583
"Tonight. The beach. Meet me."
319
00:17:03,666 --> 00:17:06,666
Oh! Such concise language.
320
00:17:06,750 --> 00:17:10,208
Man, I have a huge boner
in my heart for these two.
321
00:17:10,291 --> 00:17:14,166
To quote Danielle Steel,
"My member is throbbing."
322
00:17:14,250 --> 00:17:17,458
"Full vehicle wrap,
neon purple underglow kit"?
323
00:17:17,541 --> 00:17:19,750
-"Custom Suns airbags"?
324
00:17:19,833 --> 00:17:22,166
Yeah, makes me want to crash my car.
325
00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:24,750
Uh, how could you
possibly afford all this, Doug?
326
00:17:24,833 --> 00:17:26,041
You're a TaskRabbit.
327
00:17:26,125 --> 00:17:28,916
-Actually, my rating dropped too low.
-Oh, God.
328
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:30,708
There was some mounting evidence
329
00:17:30,791 --> 00:17:33,333
-of some TV mounting accidents, so…
-Sure.
330
00:17:33,416 --> 00:17:36,083
…now I'm just a rabbit
'cause I still love to fuck!
331
00:17:36,166 --> 00:17:37,666
-You sure do.
-Go easy on him, Pete.
332
00:17:37,750 --> 00:17:38,916
He just lost his job.
333
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,375
Freelance labor matched
to temporary local demand
334
00:17:41,458 --> 00:17:44,125
through an exploitative app
is technically not a job, Rochelle.
335
00:17:44,208 --> 00:17:47,375
-Sounds like a job to me. Money is money.
-It's a gig. A gig!
336
00:17:47,458 --> 00:17:50,291
Jeez, Pete, you sound a lot like Donna.
337
00:17:50,375 --> 00:17:51,833
And what about Donna, Doug?
338
00:17:51,916 --> 00:17:54,875
You're supposed to be saving money
to buy Donna an engagement ring.
339
00:17:54,958 --> 00:17:57,916
-Oh! Damn. I didn't think about that.
-No, you didn't.
340
00:17:58,000 --> 00:17:59,791
I was caught in the rapture of love.
341
00:17:59,875 --> 00:18:04,375
-What in the absolute fuck did you do now?
-And here it comes.
342
00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:06,958
-I-- I can explain.
-It's so fucking purple!
343
00:18:07,041 --> 00:18:09,041
Well, it's also orange and yellow.
344
00:18:09,125 --> 00:18:12,000
I can't fuckin' believe you, Doug.
You did it again.
345
00:18:12,083 --> 00:18:14,500
Oh, God. Did what again, babe?
346
00:18:14,583 --> 00:18:16,583
Made me fall in love with you.
347
00:18:16,666 --> 00:18:19,125
-I love it! And I love you!
348
00:18:19,208 --> 00:18:21,625
Oh, babe, I love you!
349
00:18:24,250 --> 00:18:26,208
Okay. This doesn't make any sense.
350
00:18:26,291 --> 00:18:27,375
That's love, baby.
351
00:18:27,458 --> 00:18:28,541
You know what?
352
00:18:28,625 --> 00:18:32,208
I was gonna wait to do this
at the Suns versus Nets game next week,
353
00:18:32,291 --> 00:18:34,791
but I'm so goddamn wet right now.
354
00:18:34,875 --> 00:18:38,416
Douglas Frederick,
will you marry me?
355
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,958
Yes! Yes! Several times, yes!
356
00:18:43,041 --> 00:18:47,875
Now let's get all Steve Nashty in that
throbbing chariot of yours. Go, Suns!
357
00:18:47,958 --> 00:18:49,041
Go, Suns!
358
00:18:49,125 --> 00:18:50,666
-Go, Suns!
359
00:18:50,750 --> 00:18:52,000
Go, Suns.
360
00:18:52,083 --> 00:18:55,291
Yara's here.
She's ready, but will Safi show?
361
00:18:55,375 --> 00:18:57,791
Has Safi been killed by the secret police?
362
00:18:57,875 --> 00:18:59,916
JK, JK, he hasn't.
363
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:04,250
We've done this hundreds of times,
but it's still my favorite. I'm addicted!
364
00:19:04,333 --> 00:19:06,041
And it never bothers you?
365
00:19:06,125 --> 00:19:06,958
Which part?
366
00:19:07,041 --> 00:19:11,083
The part where she's tragically trapped
in an endless loop of lost memories?
367
00:19:11,166 --> 00:19:13,625
Emmy, let Yara and I have this.
368
00:19:13,708 --> 00:19:15,000
Oh! There he is.
369
00:19:15,083 --> 00:19:17,375
Oh! What a God damn Phoenician hunk.
370
00:19:17,458 --> 00:19:18,958
-Damn!
371
00:19:19,041 --> 00:19:20,708
I didn't think you'd come.
372
00:19:20,791 --> 00:19:23,541
Of course, I love you.
I'd walk 500 kilometers for you.
373
00:19:23,625 --> 00:19:27,125
And I would walk 500 more
just to be your--
374
00:19:27,208 --> 00:19:28,666
Just shut up and kiss me!
375
00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:29,583
Mmm…
376
00:19:29,666 --> 00:19:32,083
Look at them.
Such passion.
377
00:19:32,166 --> 00:19:35,916
Such a sunset.
I want to stay here forever.
378
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,916
Ma! It's me, your son, Amir.
379
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,458
Do you know where they put
the good blankets I got you?
380
00:19:41,541 --> 00:19:43,375
-Amir?
381
00:19:43,458 --> 00:19:46,208
You know, the ones
with the Yorkshire Terriers you love?
382
00:19:46,291 --> 00:19:47,750
-Safi?
-Not Safi.
383
00:19:47,833 --> 00:19:48,958
-Why no Safi?
-Amir.
384
00:19:49,041 --> 00:19:52,250
Excuse me, do you know where our
good blankets are? It's freezing in here.
385
00:19:52,333 --> 00:19:54,250
-I can see my mother's nipples.
-Safi!
386
00:19:54,333 --> 00:19:56,625
What's happening?
Why's that man talking about your nipples?
387
00:19:56,708 --> 00:19:57,541
Where are we?
388
00:19:57,625 --> 00:20:02,833
We're back in the U.S. of A-holes.
He does this all the time.
389
00:20:02,916 --> 00:20:03,875
Walter, you're sweating.
390
00:20:03,958 --> 00:20:06,333
Stressing her out.
Sticking her in here to die.
391
00:20:06,416 --> 00:20:09,458
Why can't she just be back in Lebanon
with Safi?
392
00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:12,041
-This is so fucking unfair.
393
00:20:12,125 --> 00:20:15,208
Walter? Be careful.
You're turning into a Hateworm.
394
00:20:15,291 --> 00:20:18,291
Love lesson number one million and one!
395
00:20:18,375 --> 00:20:24,083
The line between love and hate
is thin as hell!
396
00:20:24,166 --> 00:20:26,041
You'd think if you cum enough,
397
00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:27,875
it'll finally drain the fat
398
00:20:27,958 --> 00:20:30,625
out of your fat fucking face,
399
00:20:30,708 --> 00:20:33,083
but that's just your mother talking.
400
00:20:34,458 --> 00:20:35,958
Didn't that feel good?
401
00:20:36,041 --> 00:20:38,125
Yeah. I feel fucking skinny.
402
00:20:38,208 --> 00:20:42,291
Oh! Pfft! Come on, Maurice.
Don't you see what she's trying to do?
403
00:20:42,375 --> 00:20:45,083
What, help me divorce my self-esteem
from my load size?
404
00:20:45,166 --> 00:20:48,750
No! She's trying to tame you.
She's trying to tame all of us!
405
00:20:48,833 --> 00:20:52,083
I can imagine how frightening
that must be for you, Mona.
406
00:20:52,166 --> 00:20:54,333
I can imagine popping out your eyeballs
407
00:20:54,416 --> 00:20:57,291
and dangling them from my crotch
like a pair of testicles.
408
00:20:57,375 --> 00:20:58,500
Thank you for that.
409
00:20:58,583 --> 00:21:00,958
Come on, we are Hormone Monsters,
don't you forget it.
410
00:21:01,041 --> 00:21:04,416
We're the fucking rock stars
who get rock stars fucked.
411
00:21:04,500 --> 00:21:06,208
-It's true.
-Does Steve Winwood count?
412
00:21:06,291 --> 00:21:07,583
'Cause I work with Steve Winwood.
413
00:21:07,666 --> 00:21:11,041
And rock stars write songs about fucking
that make other people fuck!
414
00:21:11,125 --> 00:21:12,500
-Alright!
-Steve Winwood fucks.
415
00:21:12,583 --> 00:21:13,500
More than you'd think.
416
00:21:13,583 --> 00:21:15,416
You tame us, you tame them.
417
00:21:15,500 --> 00:21:18,125
And if humans stop fucking,
no more humans!
418
00:21:18,208 --> 00:21:21,291
-Yes!
-No more humans, no more Human Resources.
419
00:21:21,375 --> 00:21:24,625
Yeah! And then you're all stuck
working with that alien race
420
00:21:24,708 --> 00:21:27,000
that hasn't evolved past
sucking its own dick.
421
00:21:27,083 --> 00:21:29,250
You wanna talk abut sex in the workplace?
422
00:21:29,333 --> 00:21:32,333
-Well, honey, sex is my workplace.
423
00:21:32,416 --> 00:21:35,583
Yeah! Preach, Mona, preach!
424
00:21:35,666 --> 00:21:37,333
-What do we want?
-Sex!
425
00:21:37,416 --> 00:21:39,000
And when do we want it?
426
00:21:39,083 --> 00:21:40,791
All the time!
427
00:21:40,875 --> 00:21:44,458
-Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!
-Chex Mix! Chex Mix! Chex Mix!
428
00:21:44,541 --> 00:21:46,708
Hey, Rick. We're chanting, "sex," bud.
429
00:21:46,791 --> 00:21:48,958
-Your move, Empathy.
-Sex, sex!
430
00:21:49,041 --> 00:21:52,083
Stop! Okay. What if, as a compromise,
431
00:21:52,166 --> 00:21:56,208
I get Corporate to give you guys
your own designated fuck room?
432
00:21:56,291 --> 00:21:58,833
Oh, with a drain in the middle
so we can hose down our drippings?
433
00:21:58,916 --> 00:22:00,916
Well, that sounds more like a murder room.
434
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:03,500
Yeah! To murder our private parts in.
435
00:22:03,583 --> 00:22:05,000
Well, Mona, what do you say?
436
00:22:08,666 --> 00:22:11,083
They're falling in love.
437
00:22:11,166 --> 00:22:14,041
Throw in a flat-screen telly
and a subscription to Starz.
438
00:22:14,125 --> 00:22:14,958
With a "Z."
439
00:22:15,041 --> 00:22:17,250
-And I suppose we have a deal.
-Done.
440
00:22:18,250 --> 00:22:20,416
-Hey, listen, could we get a dildo cubby?
-Yes!
441
00:22:20,500 --> 00:22:21,625
I'm just thinking ahead.
442
00:22:21,708 --> 00:22:24,250
-Where are we? I'm so confused!
443
00:22:24,333 --> 00:22:26,000
Mama, please.
444
00:22:26,083 --> 00:22:29,666
How dare you put your mother
in this zoo for old people?
445
00:22:29,750 --> 00:22:32,541
-Relax. Take a deep breath.
-Leave me alone!
446
00:22:32,625 --> 00:22:35,833
Do you know
what an insult that is to your mama?
447
00:22:35,916 --> 00:22:37,833
-She did everything for you!
448
00:22:37,916 --> 00:22:39,625
-Walter!
449
00:22:39,708 --> 00:22:43,125
-I fucking hate her being old.
-Ahh!
450
00:22:43,208 --> 00:22:45,750
He just wants his mother
to have the good blankets.
451
00:22:45,833 --> 00:22:48,458
At least he visits her.
He's doing his best!
452
00:22:48,541 --> 00:22:51,750
-Oh, Mama, I almost forgot.
-Oh, my God! What was that?
453
00:22:52,750 --> 00:22:56,125
-Is this rose tea from the café?
454
00:22:56,208 --> 00:22:59,875
Yeah, I told you. I ordered it from
YourLebaneseMothersTeas.com.
455
00:22:59,958 --> 00:23:01,041
-Aww.
-And it's not cheap.
456
00:23:01,125 --> 00:23:04,291
-Here, Walter, smell. Smell the tea.
457
00:23:04,375 --> 00:23:06,250
Oh. Oh!
458
00:23:06,333 --> 00:23:08,958
That smells like… Safi.
459
00:23:10,791 --> 00:23:12,833
Finally. I bought these nice blankets
460
00:23:12,916 --> 00:23:14,791
for my mother
and you keep them in the closet?
461
00:23:14,875 --> 00:23:16,500
-What are we paying you for?
462
00:23:16,583 --> 00:23:18,583
This is my son Amir.
463
00:23:18,666 --> 00:23:23,125
He visits me every day
and he takes the best care of me.
464
00:23:23,208 --> 00:23:26,208
Please, Mama. Not in front of the doggies.
465
00:23:26,291 --> 00:23:29,583
I always forget this part.
It's nice.
466
00:23:29,666 --> 00:23:31,916
"Always"? This happens every time?
467
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,083
Oh, no. Sometimes I really lose my shit.
468
00:23:34,166 --> 00:23:37,125
And he keeps visiting
even though you freak out on him?
469
00:23:37,208 --> 00:23:39,958
And she doesn't know
who he is half the time?
470
00:23:40,041 --> 00:23:41,500
Well, he loves her.
471
00:23:41,583 --> 00:23:44,708
Huh. I guess love means showing up?
472
00:23:44,791 --> 00:23:49,416
Well, look at you! All the way up
to lesson number one million and two.
473
00:23:49,500 --> 00:23:53,833
Hm… And so then, maybe,
I should be showing up for Becca.
474
00:23:53,916 --> 00:23:57,916
Hey, now, you're not as
grossly incompetent as you claim to be.
475
00:23:58,000 --> 00:23:59,208
Well, I never said that.
476
00:23:59,291 --> 00:24:01,583
Oh! Then who said that?
Somebody said that.
477
00:24:01,666 --> 00:24:03,833
Did I say that? I probably did.
478
00:24:06,125 --> 00:24:09,416
Hey, Petey-Petey, you rock-hard sweetie.
You still mad at me?
479
00:24:09,500 --> 00:24:14,583
Hey, Rochelle-Rochelle. You are a Lovebug.
We work together.
480
00:24:14,666 --> 00:24:15,541
I guess that's a no?
481
00:24:15,625 --> 00:24:20,250
Well, it seems Doug's terrible purple car
worked out even better than you thought.
482
00:24:20,333 --> 00:24:21,500
What's up, everybody?
483
00:24:21,583 --> 00:24:25,500
I'm in Hartford, Connecticut, today,
and this fool's driving me around.
484
00:24:25,583 --> 00:24:27,000
Look what he did to his car.
485
00:24:27,083 --> 00:24:31,083
Hey, Sir Charles,
the basketball is also a sun!
486
00:24:31,166 --> 00:24:34,166
Oh, man, this guy is an idiot.
487
00:24:34,250 --> 00:24:35,250
I love it.
488
00:24:35,333 --> 00:24:37,541
-Doug got a job?
Gig. He got a gig.
489
00:24:37,625 --> 00:24:39,875
-Yeah, with his hero!
-Well, it's a start.
490
00:24:39,958 --> 00:24:42,250
Well, I got you something.
A little peace offering.
491
00:24:42,333 --> 00:24:43,208
Oh.
492
00:24:43,291 --> 00:24:46,500
You, uh, know I'm a rock, right?
I don't get cold.
493
00:24:46,583 --> 00:24:49,125
Of course you don't.
But hey, you look kinda cute.
494
00:24:49,208 --> 00:24:50,041
-I do?
-Mm-hm.
495
00:24:50,125 --> 00:24:51,791
-Oh, thank you.
-Of course.
496
00:24:51,875 --> 00:24:53,583
-We, uh, have a thing now.
-Yeah.
497
00:24:53,666 --> 00:24:55,750
A sense of camaraderie captured
in a meaningful object.
498
00:24:55,833 --> 00:24:57,875
Okay, if that's what you want to call it.
499
00:24:57,958 --> 00:24:59,541
I like it despite its impracticality.
500
00:24:59,625 --> 00:25:01,500
Okay, cool. I'm done. Have a good night.
501
00:25:01,583 --> 00:25:03,375
-Good night, Rochelle.
502
00:25:03,458 --> 00:25:05,875
We hormone monsters
want you to know…
503
00:25:05,958 --> 00:25:06,875
We hear you.
504
00:25:06,958 --> 00:25:08,125
We see you.
505
00:25:08,208 --> 00:25:10,458
We respect you, man, and women.
506
00:25:10,541 --> 00:25:13,041
And we're sorry we were naughty.
507
00:25:13,125 --> 00:25:14,791
But we've learned something.
508
00:25:14,875 --> 00:25:17,208
We deserve our good dicks.
509
00:25:17,291 --> 00:25:19,791
And we're gonna try
to be more, you know, considerate.
510
00:25:19,875 --> 00:25:21,875
Yeah. And more professional.
511
00:25:21,958 --> 00:25:25,625
All while still being
the rocking fuck stars that we are.
512
00:25:25,708 --> 00:25:28,208
Teamwork is cream-work!
513
00:25:28,291 --> 00:25:30,250
There's a drain in the middle.
514
00:25:30,333 --> 00:25:31,708
-Oh, yeah!
515
00:25:31,791 --> 00:25:32,875
Oh, God!
516
00:25:34,625 --> 00:25:36,500
Jose, answer the damn phones!
517
00:25:36,583 --> 00:25:39,958
Oh, for crying out loud, Petra!
I'm on my lunch break.