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Welcome to Human Resources.
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As a new employee at the most prestigious
organization in human relations,
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you are about to embark
on an amazing adventure.
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Life down on Earth
can be very complicated,
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and that's why people need us.
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You'll be assigned
your human clients by the tube.
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I got Michael Bloomberg? Okay.
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You'll have the opportunity
to work with creatures
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in many departments.
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Your team members will be
Hormone Monsters…
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This is so hot.
And she hasn't even used her tools yet.
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…Shame Wizards…
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Oh, your wife is texting you about
picking up your daughter from school.
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Did you want me to respond?
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…Lovebugs…
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Oh, my God. The love of your life
is proposing to you at the Eiffel Tower.
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…Depression Kitties…
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Honey, Leonardo DiCaprio called.
He wants his blood diamond back.
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…Logic Rocks…
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Hey, Jeremy,
there's no reason to stand up yet.
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I promise you, you will get off the plane.
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And many more.
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You are all essential workers
who help make humans human,
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seven days a week, 52 weeks a year,
1,000 years a millennium.
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This is Human Resources.
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-Any questions?
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Sorry, just want to clarify.
The show's going to be like Big Mouth?
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Well, Big Mouth meets The Office
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is how we sold it.
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Oh, I'd watch that.
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Hey, Mr. Dick Pinwheel. If not you, who?
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Hey, Joe, I tell you my wife
is all into energy work now?
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-Oh, brother.
-Yeah, exactly.
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She says my "heart chakra" is all
clogged up, whatever the fuck that means.
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It's like, come on,
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"Can't you just let me watch
penis hockey in peace for Christ's sake?"
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-That was a game last night.
-Good morning, gentlemen.
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Hey, Maury, you heard about that new
VR sex app the humans are into?
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Whatever happened to yanking your old dick
to an oil painting of a stacked milkmaid?
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Those were the days, my friends.
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I'm telling you,
in 20 years, nobody's gonna fuck.
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Oh, please. You guys said the same thing
when women discovered vibrators.
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Yeah, well, I don't know.
It put an end to fucking in my house.
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Hey, Maury. What kind of cake
do you want for your birthday?
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What's that? Oh no, it's not my birthday.
46
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It's on the office calendar.
Don't be weird.
47
00:03:07,208 --> 00:03:09,583
Ugh! Why do we always
have to have treats for birthdays
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like we're all
a bunch of fucking children?
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Sorry for trying to do something nice.
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What a bitch I am, getting you cake.
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Oh, I fucking hate this job.
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Becca, I'm afraid we're going to
have to put you on bed rest
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for the last month of your pregnancy.
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The fuck you are!
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-Excuse me?
-Uh, sweetie--
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I start arguing a case on Monday,
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and I'll queef this baby out
in the jury box before I'd miss it.
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-She'll do it, Doc.
-I need another option.
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Well, there are no other options.
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We need to make sure
your water doesn't break early.
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-Oh no! What if the baby doesn't survive?
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Or what if it does,
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and it's born with a pointy head,
and it can only wear Santa hats?
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What a terrible life!
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Excuse me. Excuse me. Yes, floor is mine.
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Tito's crazy Santa hat fixation aside,
this is a big fucking deal.
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I know. That's what I'm saying.
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Speaking from the point of view
of ambition,
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how's Becca supposed to make partner
while she's stuck on bed rest?
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00:04:00,208 --> 00:04:02,375
And logically, this makes no sense.
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Hypertension doesn't
even run in her family.
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Who cares about that shit?
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They're never gonna fuck again
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once that baby turns her pussy
into Bolognese.
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-Connie, gonna need you to chill out.
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Emmy, yo.
You're getting all this, right?
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Uh… Yep. Got it. Gettin' it.
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"Pussy Bolognese." We got it.
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Don't worry, Connie, they will have sex.
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It'll just be less frequent
and not as good.
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And the sex with Barry already wasn't
very good or frequent, was it?
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"I'm Barry. I always announce
when I'm about to cum."
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"I'm cumming, I'm Barry."
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I love her Barry even more
than the real Barry. Barry's not cool.
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Hey, knock it off. Becca loves Barry.
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And she's gonna love this baby too
because I'm doing my goddamn job
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and I need
the rest of you to get on board.
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-Okay.
-Indeed.
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That means no more kickboxing
and no work. Petra, nod if you hear me.
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Okay, fine, fine. But her delicate womb
can still review briefs, okay?
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00:05:03,416 --> 00:05:05,875
She's allowed to move
her fucking eyeballs, right?
92
00:05:07,125 --> 00:05:10,208
Emmy…
I'm going to be real with you.
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Your notes are crap,
you spend all your time doing imitations--
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-Impressions.
-Taking surveys…
95
00:05:16,041 --> 00:05:19,250
But everyone loves
my "Would you rather" board.
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It makes them want to come to work.
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Work should make
people want to come to work.
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Yeah, but it doesn't.
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Let me ask you something, do you even
want to be a professional Lovebug?
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I guess? But, honestly,
as long as I can still afford
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my nightly pizza-burrito with my friends,
it's all Gucci, Stanley Tucci.
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Hey, Emmy, shut the fuck up.
What we do here is important.
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It's not some bullshit job
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that exists just to pay
for whatever a pizza-burrito is.
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Sonya, pizza-burritos are so good.
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Oh my God. I don't care. Bro!
Becca's about to have a fucking baby.
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Whoa. Sonya, are you okay?
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I'm fine. I've just got a lot on my plate,
and you, my assistant,
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have zero interest
in taking anything off of it.
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Okay, I'm sorry about your plate.
111
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Damn! What's her problem?
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I don't know.
I already forgot what she said.
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So, how was your date last night
with that Addiction Angel?
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Come on, come on, spill the nectar, honey.
I am parched.
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Did he take you to a romantic restaurant?
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Ooh, did he get vulnerable
with you over candlelight?
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Well, not exactly.
118
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We just sort of got straight to the, uh,
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boning portion of the evening.
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Girl, again?
121
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It's totally fine.
122
00:06:30,083 --> 00:06:32,333
And it's also--
It's actually what I wanted…
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…and it's fine.
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Mm-mm. No. You're a terrible liar.
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Honey, you need someone
who will fill your belly with fancy food
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before they fill your shelly
with unprotected sex things.
127
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Oh my God,
how'd you know it was unprotected?
128
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Girl, please. I know who I'm talking to.
129
00:06:47,958 --> 00:06:49,916
What the fuck do you want?
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00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:52,833
-What's security doing in Sonya's office?
-I have no idea.
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-Um, was this in Sonya's calendar?
-How am I supposed to know?
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You're her assistant.
That's like literally your job.
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Fuck you. You can't fire me.
I got Barack and Michelle together.
134
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She goes to the Obama well
a little too often.
135
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-Okay, let's go.
-Get your scaly hands off me.
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-I am a senior Lovebug.
137
00:07:13,708 --> 00:07:15,500
-Not anymore.
-Fuck you, Eric.
138
00:07:15,583 --> 00:07:16,458
Oh my God.
139
00:07:16,541 --> 00:07:18,500
And what are you all looking at?
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00:07:18,583 --> 00:07:22,875
You've never seen someone
get dragged out by security before?
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You bastards.
You fire her, you fire all of us!
142
00:07:27,583 --> 00:07:28,625
I'm tot-- I'm kidding.
143
00:07:28,708 --> 00:07:32,458
I'm kidding. I love my job
and my nice things. Please don't fire me.
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00:07:40,583 --> 00:07:42,458
Hey, dick phlegm,
I hear it's your birthday.
145
00:07:42,541 --> 00:07:44,583
How old is that fat fucking face of yours?
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-I'm, uh, 40 million.
-"Forty million"?
147
00:07:47,375 --> 00:07:50,333
And you're still working with kids?
That's entry-level shit.
148
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I like the kids. They're enthusiastic.
149
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Yeah, they're "enthusiastic."
That's cute. I'm happy for your sad life.
150
00:07:56,750 --> 00:08:01,333
Meanwhile, you hear I just got promoted
to head of testosterone for the NFL?
151
00:08:01,416 --> 00:08:03,041
-You got the gig?
-Fuck yeah!
152
00:08:03,125 --> 00:08:06,875
Moved on from teens
right into ripped meathead dumb fucks.
153
00:08:06,958 --> 00:08:09,000
-Mwah! I love those psychos.
154
00:08:09,083 --> 00:08:12,041
Anyway, I'm headed to Vegas this weekend
to watch a couple of teams
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00:08:12,125 --> 00:08:13,791
bash each other's brains into oatmeal,
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00:08:13,875 --> 00:08:16,250
then get fucked out
at the Bunny Ranch sideways.
157
00:08:16,333 --> 00:08:18,916
-Happy birthday, you babysitter bitch.
158
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:21,000
Did you guys know that Gavin was promoted?
159
00:08:21,083 --> 00:08:22,750
Who cares? We all get the same dental.
160
00:08:22,833 --> 00:08:26,791
Sure, but Gavin's really doing something
with his life. You know what I mean?
161
00:08:26,875 --> 00:08:30,666
Nope. I mean, I'm perfectly satisfied
getting children to touch their privates.
162
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You don't ever question
what your greater purpose is?
163
00:08:34,041 --> 00:08:36,333
-Why would we do that?
164
00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:40,458
I wish I was a simple shit-for-brains
like you fucking zeros.
165
00:08:40,541 --> 00:08:43,750
Unfortunately, my inner depths
know no bounds.
166
00:08:43,833 --> 00:08:46,333
-All right, have a good one, chief.
-Have fun looking inward.
167
00:08:46,416 --> 00:08:48,791
Some monsters are never happy.
Maybe he's not getting it up.
168
00:08:48,875 --> 00:08:49,916
-Whoa. Whoa!
169
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:53,625
-What the hell?
-Uh, hey, Todd? The elevator's stuck.
170
00:08:53,708 --> 00:08:55,125
Yeah. That's been happening.
171
00:08:55,208 --> 00:08:57,708
Oh, okay, well,
can you come fix it, genius?
172
00:08:57,791 --> 00:08:58,750
Can you say "please"?
173
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Okay, sure, yeah.
174
00:08:59,875 --> 00:09:03,541
No, pretty please, Mr. Janitor
who cleans doodie out of the toilet,
175
00:09:03,625 --> 00:09:05,208
will you come and do your goddamn job?
176
00:09:05,291 --> 00:09:07,958
I'm not a janitor,
I'm an operations manager.
177
00:09:08,041 --> 00:09:09,708
Did he just hang up on us?
178
00:09:09,791 --> 00:09:12,500
If we get stuck here,
I eat you, you understand?
179
00:09:12,583 --> 00:09:15,458
I can't imagine I'd taste good.
'Cause what I'm putting in is not good.
180
00:09:15,541 --> 00:09:17,750
-What are you eating?
-I'm doing a lot of prawns.
181
00:09:17,833 --> 00:09:19,125
I'm doing all prawns.
182
00:09:19,208 --> 00:09:22,666
Come on, baby girl, you really have
no idea why Sonya got fired?
183
00:09:22,750 --> 00:09:26,791
Okay, I get it. I don't take notes,
I don't pay attention,
184
00:09:26,875 --> 00:09:30,708
-I lied about my military service.
-Walter, Walter, do you know anything?
185
00:09:30,791 --> 00:09:33,708
I mean, you two are always
up each other's asses. Like, way up.
186
00:09:33,791 --> 00:09:36,708
I mean, there's a lot of options.
There's the drinking--
187
00:09:36,791 --> 00:09:39,625
I heard she fucked the Grinch
at the Christmas party.
188
00:09:39,708 --> 00:09:43,041
Go, Sonya. I heard the Grinch
is hung like a stocking.
189
00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:44,833
Well, now she's fucked us. Thank you.
190
00:09:44,916 --> 00:09:46,916
Okay? And what the hell's
gonna happen with Becca?
191
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:51,291
She's already gonna have a pointy-headed
weirdo baby and now she's got no Lovebug?
192
00:09:51,375 --> 00:09:52,250
Ahh!
193
00:09:52,833 --> 00:09:54,083
Hey, guys, it's the tube.
194
00:09:54,583 --> 00:09:56,750
Oh! It's for Emmy.
195
00:09:56,833 --> 00:09:59,125
Ooh! I never get these.
196
00:09:59,208 --> 00:10:00,583
Okay, let's see here.
197
00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:06,000
"Due to Becca Li's imminent birth
and her familiarity with the case,
198
00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:09,375
Emmy Fairfax will step in
as Becca's Lovebug
199
00:10:09,458 --> 00:10:11,250
until a replacement is found"?
200
00:10:11,333 --> 00:10:13,791
-I'm sorry, her?
-Oh, fuck.
201
00:10:13,875 --> 00:10:15,708
Emmy can't even keep a calendar.
202
00:10:15,791 --> 00:10:18,875
What's she gonna do
when she gets placenta all over her?
203
00:10:18,958 --> 00:10:21,333
Placenta? I'm sorry,
I don't… I don't know what that is.
204
00:10:21,416 --> 00:10:25,333
Just one question. How can you advise
a woman on starting a family
205
00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:30,416
when you can't even make it home
on a weeknight sober with both shoes?
206
00:10:30,500 --> 00:10:33,291
Oh, God, I'm always losing shoes.
207
00:10:33,375 --> 00:10:35,291
You are so screwed.
208
00:10:35,375 --> 00:10:39,500
The only thing you know about Becca's case
is an anti-Semitic Barry impression.
209
00:10:39,583 --> 00:10:41,666
It's not anti-Semitic, is it?
210
00:10:41,750 --> 00:10:43,333
Well, it's not pro-Semitic.
211
00:10:43,416 --> 00:10:48,458
-Hey there, Mister Logic Man.
-Stop. What do you want?
212
00:10:48,541 --> 00:10:52,958
I-- I think there's been a mistake,
and maybe it would be betta…
213
00:10:53,041 --> 00:10:58,041
…if Becca was reassigned to a more
experienced, uh, Lovebug.
214
00:10:58,125 --> 00:10:59,291
Yeah, it absolutely would be.
215
00:10:59,375 --> 00:11:01,666
-Okay, wow, that's mean.
216
00:11:01,750 --> 00:11:04,041
But, uh, yeah,
is there a way to make that happen?
217
00:11:04,125 --> 00:11:06,541
No, there's nothing you can do.
The tube gives the assignments.
218
00:11:06,625 --> 00:11:07,916
-You're stuck with it.
-That's it?
219
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,916
Uh, with all due respect,
I don't believe in you, like, at all,
220
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:12,500
and I'd like for you to leave.
221
00:11:12,583 --> 00:11:15,250
Guys. Break room for birthday cake.
222
00:11:15,333 --> 00:11:17,291
Shh! He's coming.
223
00:11:17,375 --> 00:11:21,125
Come on, Maury. The meeting
I told you about, which is very real,
224
00:11:21,208 --> 00:11:23,125
is happening here in the break room.
225
00:11:23,208 --> 00:11:27,000
I don't know why we'd be having a meeting
in the break room, but I do believe you.
226
00:11:30,166 --> 00:11:32,958
No! Shut the fuck up.
I don't want a birthday cake.
227
00:11:33,041 --> 00:11:37,291
But, Maury, it's a cookie cake.
Not a regular cake, it's cookie cake.
228
00:11:37,375 --> 00:11:41,375
I'll explain. It's basically cookies
just mushied into a cake shape.
229
00:11:41,458 --> 00:11:45,500
Tyler, if you say the words cookie
or cake one more time,
230
00:11:45,583 --> 00:11:49,541
I'll mushy you into a dead shape. Ugh!
231
00:11:49,625 --> 00:11:51,000
Shit, Maury, what the hell?
232
00:11:51,083 --> 00:11:56,208
You think that's gonna stop me
from eating cookie cake?
233
00:11:56,291 --> 00:11:58,083
Ooh! Half a bagel.
234
00:12:00,583 --> 00:12:02,083
-Holy shit.
235
00:12:02,166 --> 00:12:04,333
-What the hell floor is this?
-Who cares?
236
00:12:04,416 --> 00:12:07,333
-Let's go through the bigger hole.
-That's what he said.
237
00:12:07,416 --> 00:12:10,458
Okay. Okay, yeah,
like the-- like the holes we use in sex.
238
00:12:10,541 --> 00:12:12,666
-Like the holes we use in sex.
-Okay. Yeah.
239
00:12:12,750 --> 00:12:16,000
-You're quick, man. You're quick.
240
00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:18,833
-Whoa.
-Wow. What is this place?
241
00:12:18,916 --> 00:12:21,958
Welcome to
the Department of Magical Thinking.
242
00:12:22,041 --> 00:12:25,208
Okay, "Karmic Destiny, Religion…"
243
00:12:25,291 --> 00:12:29,791
Sharon would love this place.
She believes all that human mumbo-jumbo.
244
00:12:29,875 --> 00:12:31,958
Yeah, humans are idiots.
245
00:12:35,666 --> 00:12:40,375
Excuse me, love. I'm just gonna go
and take a long, hot piss.
246
00:12:40,458 --> 00:12:45,000
Okay, well, I hope you get it all out.
247
00:12:45,583 --> 00:12:49,416
Could I get a bowl of vodka with,
like, eight limes in it?
248
00:12:49,500 --> 00:12:52,083
-Emmy?
-Sonya? Whoa.
249
00:12:52,166 --> 00:12:57,708
Wait, remember when you got fired
and they gave me your pregnant client?
250
00:12:57,791 --> 00:13:00,583
-What were they thinking?
-Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.
251
00:13:00,666 --> 00:13:02,875
They gave you Becca?
252
00:13:02,958 --> 00:13:05,250
Ooh! That was a hot Cheeto.
253
00:13:05,333 --> 00:13:07,250
-Wow. You're very drunk.
254
00:13:07,333 --> 00:13:13,958
Mm-hmm. Yeah, and that's because
I'm excited for this opportuni-tay
255
00:13:14,041 --> 00:13:16,833
and not deeply afraid I will fail
256
00:13:16,916 --> 00:13:20,291
and totally ruin
this woman's life forever. Whoo!
257
00:13:20,375 --> 00:13:23,958
Jesus, stop whoo-ing.
Becca needs you. Get yourself together.
258
00:13:24,041 --> 00:13:26,166
Okay, don't say she "needs" me.
259
00:13:26,250 --> 00:13:29,666
You're freaking me out.
Also, she has Barry.
260
00:13:29,750 --> 00:13:33,208
"I'm Barry. I love Becca so much and--"
261
00:13:33,291 --> 00:13:36,583
-Stop it. She loves Barry.
262
00:13:36,666 --> 00:13:37,791
-Huh.
-What is it?
263
00:13:37,875 --> 00:13:40,916
Well, the Addiction Angel I'm with
wants me to meet him in the bathroom
264
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,083
so he can do coke off my booty.
265
00:13:43,166 --> 00:13:44,500
-Emmy!
-What?
266
00:13:44,583 --> 00:13:48,208
I'm not doing the coke,
I'm just being the furniture.
267
00:13:48,291 --> 00:13:51,208
That I can do.
I'm capable of being a table.
268
00:13:51,291 --> 00:13:53,708
-Emmy, if you go to that bathroom…
269
00:13:53,791 --> 00:13:55,250
…instead of going to Becca,
270
00:13:55,333 --> 00:13:57,458
I will rip your antennae from your skull.
271
00:13:57,541 --> 00:13:59,250
I can't do it, Sonya.
272
00:13:59,333 --> 00:14:01,291
-I mean look at who I'm with.
273
00:14:01,375 --> 00:14:05,750
I don't know anything about love.
How am I supposed to help someone else?
274
00:14:05,833 --> 00:14:10,250
Look at me. I get that it's scary,
but sometimes, you gotta suck it up,
275
00:14:10,333 --> 00:14:12,833
do scary shit, and see what happens.
276
00:14:12,916 --> 00:14:16,333
-But what if--
-Dude, you'll never be ready.
277
00:14:16,416 --> 00:14:18,833
All you can do is fucking try.
278
00:14:18,916 --> 00:14:24,416
Okay. I-- I'll "fucking try."
I'll go meet Becca or whatever.
279
00:14:24,500 --> 00:14:26,708
Jesus Christ,
you haven't even met her yet?
280
00:14:26,791 --> 00:14:29,416
Go! Get the hell out of here.
281
00:14:29,500 --> 00:14:32,875
-Well, thanks, Sonya, and if Dante asks--
-Trust me, he won't.
282
00:14:32,958 --> 00:14:34,958
I know. I-- I do know that.
283
00:14:36,166 --> 00:14:38,333
Hey, we're still getting paid
for today, right?
284
00:14:38,416 --> 00:14:39,750
Yeah. We clocked in, man.
285
00:14:39,833 --> 00:14:41,375
-What the hell?
286
00:14:41,875 --> 00:14:43,541
"Bizarre Bazaar."
287
00:14:43,625 --> 00:14:46,541
-More like "weird area," right?
288
00:14:46,625 --> 00:14:49,666
Me? I like regular stuff sold indoors.
289
00:14:49,750 --> 00:14:53,083
Come. Pick the crystal
that will transform your life.
290
00:14:53,166 --> 00:14:54,375
Nope. No, thank you.
291
00:14:54,458 --> 00:14:55,833
Hear your fortune.
292
00:14:55,916 --> 00:14:57,333
See the future.
293
00:14:57,416 --> 00:15:01,083
Ask me what time it is right now.
I know the answer.
294
00:15:01,166 --> 00:15:02,375
Well, hello there.
295
00:15:02,458 --> 00:15:04,666
Hello, big boy. You want a reading?
296
00:15:04,750 --> 00:15:08,333
You hear that, Gil? She's gonna do
a "reading."
297
00:15:08,416 --> 00:15:09,500
Yeah, no, I want one.
298
00:15:10,625 --> 00:15:13,500
And what, pray tell, are you, sister?
299
00:15:13,583 --> 00:15:18,916
Okay. Heads up, it'll take me a long time
to get going, but then it'll be over fast.
300
00:15:20,875 --> 00:15:23,875
How in the gorgeous hell
do I have to pee again?
301
00:15:23,958 --> 00:15:26,625
This thing better be fun
when it comes out.
302
00:15:26,708 --> 00:15:30,333
Hi. Sorry, forgot to go before I left.
303
00:15:30,416 --> 00:15:33,666
-Who the hell are you?
-I'm Emmy, your new Lovebug. Yay!
304
00:15:33,750 --> 00:15:34,833
Celebrate me.
305
00:15:34,916 --> 00:15:36,958
I don't want a new Lovebug.
What happened to Sonya?
306
00:15:37,041 --> 00:15:39,208
-Yeah, she got hardcore fired.
-What?
307
00:15:39,291 --> 00:15:41,916
But no one knows why.
308
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:43,708
I think I know.
309
00:15:43,791 --> 00:15:47,333
It's on account of she fucked the Grinch.
310
00:15:47,416 --> 00:15:48,666
Are you drunk?
311
00:15:48,750 --> 00:15:52,583
Are you pregnant? I'm just kiddin'.
I know you are.
312
00:15:52,666 --> 00:15:55,875
Wow, my first case is a preggo.
Holy shit.
313
00:15:55,958 --> 00:15:57,083
Are you fucking kidding me?
314
00:15:57,166 --> 00:15:59,750
-You've never done this before?
-No. Never.
315
00:15:59,833 --> 00:16:02,833
Have you googled "placenta,"
by the way? Yuck.
316
00:16:02,916 --> 00:16:05,041
Oh, Sonya's abandoned you.
317
00:16:05,125 --> 00:16:07,958
And this new bug
does not seem up to the task.
318
00:16:08,041 --> 00:16:10,041
Why is she only wearing one shoe?
319
00:16:10,125 --> 00:16:13,708
Oh, no. And my sock
is a McDonald's hash brown bag.
320
00:16:13,791 --> 00:16:16,500
Becca, you must be freaking out.
321
00:16:16,583 --> 00:16:19,750
-My new Lovebug is a drunken idiot.
-Hey now, come on.
322
00:16:19,833 --> 00:16:21,583
And you think you can
take care of an infant?
323
00:16:21,666 --> 00:16:23,541
You're right. I can't be a mom.
324
00:16:23,625 --> 00:16:25,958
I have weed pens in my underwear drawer.
325
00:16:26,041 --> 00:16:27,833
Oh, what kind of weed? Sleepy or uppy?
326
00:16:27,916 --> 00:16:30,875
-And what if the baby comes early?
-Is there enough love for everybody?
327
00:16:30,958 --> 00:16:33,791
-What about Barry?
-God, I know. He's so needy.
328
00:16:33,875 --> 00:16:36,958
-"I'm Barry. I love you."
329
00:16:37,041 --> 00:16:39,250
You're gonna get to know my impressions.
They're awesome.
330
00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:42,000
How about the dog?
He'll definitely bite the baby's face off!
331
00:16:42,083 --> 00:16:44,833
Your ugly baby is gonna smoke your weed.
332
00:16:44,916 --> 00:16:47,041
-Will you shut up?
333
00:16:47,125 --> 00:16:48,541
Oh, shit.
334
00:16:48,625 --> 00:16:50,875
-Eww. What is that?
-Did you just…
335
00:16:50,958 --> 00:16:54,458
Piss on the floor?
Come on, dude, I'm only wearing one shoe.
336
00:16:54,541 --> 00:16:56,333
I-- I think my water broke.
337
00:16:56,416 --> 00:16:58,916
-Oh, crap. What the hell does that mean?
-Becca!
338
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,541
-You're going into labor!
339
00:17:01,625 --> 00:17:04,875
Robbie, it's highly unlikely
there's a monster under your bed
340
00:17:04,958 --> 00:17:06,291
because monsters are big.
341
00:17:06,375 --> 00:17:08,791
Now, if I were you,
I'd be worried about your closet.
342
00:17:09,833 --> 00:17:12,875
Uh, gotta go. Death is inevitable
so just try not to worry about it.
343
00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:18,291
Just eat a few more Adderall
and finish the goddamn presentation.
344
00:17:18,375 --> 00:17:19,208
-Ugh!
345
00:17:19,291 --> 00:17:21,125
Do you want to land
this refried beans account,
346
00:17:21,208 --> 00:17:24,291
or get stuck in regular beans forever
like your loser fuckin' dad?
347
00:17:24,375 --> 00:17:27,541
Oh, yeah, good call mentioning
what a knockout her sister is
348
00:17:27,625 --> 00:17:29,083
-in your wedding toast.
349
00:17:29,166 --> 00:17:30,333
-Look, listen.
350
00:17:30,416 --> 00:17:35,083
I'll be back later
when your penis doesn't get hard.
351
00:17:35,166 --> 00:17:37,208
Maury. How long you been in here?
352
00:17:37,291 --> 00:17:38,500
Leave me alone.
353
00:17:38,583 --> 00:17:41,750
What's going on with you?
It's your birthday, baby.
354
00:17:41,833 --> 00:17:44,291
It's time for jubilation and butt stuff.
355
00:17:44,375 --> 00:17:48,291
I'm 40 million years old, Connie,
and what do I have to show for it?
356
00:17:48,375 --> 00:17:51,708
I made a kid cum on his dead grandpa?
Fuckin' amateur hour.
357
00:17:51,791 --> 00:17:54,250
But you got two shows on Netflix.
358
00:17:54,333 --> 00:17:57,458
So what? Everyone's got a show on Netflix.
359
00:17:57,541 --> 00:17:58,500
I don't have kids,
360
00:17:58,583 --> 00:18:01,416
I-- I don't have a steady partner.
Uh, no offense.
361
00:18:01,500 --> 00:18:04,625
Nope, none taken.
I do not want a steady partner.
362
00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:06,583
Yeah, yeah. Steady partner, that's stupid.
363
00:18:06,666 --> 00:18:10,375
Hey, would a birthday blowjob
make you feel better, Maury?
364
00:18:10,458 --> 00:18:12,791
-I mean, it wouldn't make me feel worse.
365
00:18:12,875 --> 00:18:17,833
Oh shit. That blowie's gonna have to wait.
Becca's in labor. I gotta bounce.
366
00:18:17,916 --> 00:18:22,125
I guess I'll just suck my own dick then
like the loser I clearly am.
367
00:18:22,208 --> 00:18:24,375
That's right, the only mouth
that'll suck your dick
368
00:18:24,458 --> 00:18:27,333
is the one attached
to your fat, fucking face.
369
00:18:27,416 --> 00:18:29,208
Happy birthday, shithead.
370
00:18:30,833 --> 00:18:34,916
-Ooh! Stinky.
-A little. May I read your aura?
371
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,541
Yeah, okay, whatever you want, baby.
372
00:18:37,625 --> 00:18:41,916
Blue represents the mind.
Yours is unburdened.
373
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,250
Okay, I'm not gonna
read into that too much.
374
00:18:44,333 --> 00:18:47,166
-And green is the heart. Oh, wow.
375
00:18:47,250 --> 00:18:49,125
I'm detecting a real blockage in you.
376
00:18:49,208 --> 00:18:51,833
Hey, what's your problem? I thought
we were gonna fuck. What is this?
377
00:18:51,916 --> 00:18:55,125
I'm sensing you may be
closing yourself off
378
00:18:55,208 --> 00:18:57,041
emotionally, physically…
379
00:18:57,125 --> 00:18:58,833
With your wife, perhaps?
380
00:18:58,916 --> 00:19:00,791
Hey! Just because I'm a Hormone Monster
381
00:19:00,875 --> 00:19:03,875
doesn't mean I'm in the mood
to have sex every week, Sharon!
382
00:19:03,958 --> 00:19:06,666
-That's right, open up.
383
00:19:06,750 --> 00:19:08,541
It's because my mom died a year ago
384
00:19:08,625 --> 00:19:10,750
and I'm still mourning her, Sharon.
385
00:19:10,833 --> 00:19:14,916
And I know you couldn't stand her,
but she was still my goddamn mommy.
386
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,333
Of course, that makes sense.
387
00:19:17,416 --> 00:19:22,708
Wow, I feel so… so light.
What did you just do to me?
388
00:19:22,791 --> 00:19:24,708
I unblocked your heart chakra.
389
00:19:24,791 --> 00:19:26,625
Wait a second.
You're one of those chakras?
390
00:19:26,708 --> 00:19:28,083
Like Sharon talks about?
391
00:19:28,166 --> 00:19:31,250
This is a con! This is a chakra con!
392
00:19:31,333 --> 00:19:33,500
-Don't! Stop! Hey, get the hell off me!
393
00:19:33,583 --> 00:19:35,083
Get off me! Ahh!
394
00:19:36,708 --> 00:19:38,125
What the fuck happened in there?
395
00:19:38,208 --> 00:19:41,375
Yeah, the Queen of Cups
told me I'm gonna die on July 9.
396
00:19:41,458 --> 00:19:42,416
Eh, it is what it is.
397
00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:45,208
Well, I met a chakra,
and, Joe, I don't know how to put this,
398
00:19:45,291 --> 00:19:48,583
but I might have accidentally
learned something about myself.
399
00:19:48,666 --> 00:19:50,916
-Ugh. You're kidding.
-Yeah, no, I-- I'm not kidding.
400
00:19:51,500 --> 00:19:55,250
-So, I guess you believe in chakras now?
-Yeah, but don't tell Sharon, okay?
401
00:19:55,333 --> 00:19:58,666
And don't you go telling Nancy
about me dying on July 9.
402
00:19:58,750 --> 00:20:00,208
I want it to be a surprise.
403
00:20:01,458 --> 00:20:05,833
Becca, baby, what can I do?
Do you want a fan? Uh, some Corn Nuts?
404
00:20:05,916 --> 00:20:09,666
-I want this parasite ripped out of me.
-Let's start with a fan.
405
00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:13,916
"Parasite"? Look out, world,
great mother coming through.
406
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,000
-Becca, you're so strong.
407
00:20:16,083 --> 00:20:18,750
You strong woman. How are you doing?
408
00:20:18,833 --> 00:20:24,000
It feels like my butthole's gonna rip
in half. Fan my face, not my pussy.
409
00:20:24,083 --> 00:20:26,458
Oh, sorry about that. Hey, Emmy?
410
00:20:26,541 --> 00:20:29,750
Uh, we could use
some love vibes up here, please.
411
00:20:29,833 --> 00:20:32,916
Oh, I-- I'm-- I'm okay back here.
I'm getting the gist.
412
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:36,583
Um, uh, uh, Becca?
Uh, don't forget to change positions.
413
00:20:36,666 --> 00:20:40,208
Pete, will you put away
your goddamn WebMD printouts?
414
00:20:40,291 --> 00:20:41,333
I'm trying to help!
415
00:20:41,416 --> 00:20:43,166
Can't believe you got the epidural.
416
00:20:43,250 --> 00:20:45,000
That's why it's taking twice as long.
417
00:20:45,083 --> 00:20:46,791
Look, that's not necessarily true.
418
00:20:46,875 --> 00:20:49,041
Now you won't be able
to feel anything when you push.
419
00:20:49,125 --> 00:20:50,166
That's how people rip.
420
00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:53,250
What if you tear front to back?
You'll just have one big hole!
421
00:20:53,333 --> 00:20:56,458
What? How's she gonna have sex
with a vagina-butthole combo?
422
00:20:56,541 --> 00:20:58,375
-Don't poop.
423
00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:02,916
-Barry will leave you if you poop.
-If only a dump could get rid of that guy.
424
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:06,083
Becca, take deep breaths
and ignore all these morons.
425
00:21:06,166 --> 00:21:07,458
It'll all be over soon.
426
00:21:07,541 --> 00:21:10,375
I have never loved you more
than I do right now, Becs.
427
00:21:10,458 --> 00:21:13,958
Who cares, Barry?
Have this baby for me or shut the fuck up.
428
00:21:14,041 --> 00:21:16,375
-I know that's not about me.
-It is about you!
429
00:21:16,458 --> 00:21:20,500
Emmy! Get in there. Everyone else
is doing their job, you need to do yours.
430
00:21:20,583 --> 00:21:23,291
Yeah, but I don't know how to do my job.
431
00:21:23,375 --> 00:21:27,208
The last time I tried, Becca's water broke
and it got all over my shoeless foot.
432
00:21:27,291 --> 00:21:30,375
Well, just calm her down.
Tell her the room is filled with love
433
00:21:30,458 --> 00:21:32,916
or whatever feel-good bullshit
you bugs come up with.
434
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,916
The baby's heart rate
has dropped dramatically.
435
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:36,625
-What? What do you mean?
436
00:21:36,708 --> 00:21:38,416
-Okay. Prep her.
-Talk to me, not each other.
437
00:21:38,500 --> 00:21:41,333
Becca, listen to me, okay?
It's time to start pushing.
438
00:21:41,416 --> 00:21:43,625
Now? No. I-- I'm only eight centimeters.
439
00:21:43,708 --> 00:21:44,958
Rip!
440
00:21:45,041 --> 00:21:47,500
Oh, shit. I see its head.
441
00:21:47,583 --> 00:21:49,958
-Is it possible your baby's a coconut?
-Emmy!
442
00:21:50,041 --> 00:21:51,333
Oh, God. I looked!
443
00:21:52,791 --> 00:21:55,625
Ow, God damn it.
444
00:21:55,708 --> 00:21:58,541
I'm-- I'm sorry.
And I am actually sober now.
445
00:21:58,625 --> 00:22:00,458
Ugh. Pathetic.
446
00:22:01,041 --> 00:22:02,750
-Surprise!
447
00:22:02,833 --> 00:22:04,250
Happy birthday, Maury.
448
00:22:04,333 --> 00:22:06,458
You guys.
449
00:22:06,541 --> 00:22:08,916
-Oh, oh.
450
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:11,125
Oh, and there's a slide show.
451
00:22:11,625 --> 00:22:15,250
Oh, yeah.
That's when we discovered jerking off…
452
00:22:15,333 --> 00:22:18,166
And fire. That was a pretty big day.
453
00:22:18,250 --> 00:22:23,041
Oh! The Kama Sutra.
Now that was a graphic novel.
454
00:22:23,125 --> 00:22:24,916
You guys get it.
455
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:28,583
Oh, Joe Walsh. Boy, we had fun
in Cleveland that night.
456
00:22:28,666 --> 00:22:29,583
Cute.
457
00:22:30,083 --> 00:22:31,541
Oh, Andrew what's-his-name?
458
00:22:32,458 --> 00:22:34,833
How did you get all these photos?
459
00:22:35,333 --> 00:22:36,791
Thank you, boys.
460
00:22:37,291 --> 00:22:40,041
What do you say
we all have a big group whack
461
00:22:40,125 --> 00:22:44,166
in honor of my 40 millionth birthday?
462
00:22:44,250 --> 00:22:46,250
-Hey, hey, slow down, boys.
463
00:22:46,333 --> 00:22:48,041
The birthday boy cums first.
464
00:22:48,125 --> 00:22:50,166
-Okay, Becca, you're doing great,
465
00:22:50,250 --> 00:22:51,666
but we need to keep pushing.
466
00:22:51,750 --> 00:22:54,291
-"We"? Go fuck yourself!
467
00:22:54,375 --> 00:22:57,541
-Gonna have to push harder than that.
-I can't do it anymore.
468
00:22:57,625 --> 00:23:00,333
There is a logical reason
love needs to be here, Emmy.
469
00:23:00,416 --> 00:23:02,458
This woman is doing something very hard.
470
00:23:02,541 --> 00:23:04,583
And without love,
it's gonna be impossible.
471
00:23:04,666 --> 00:23:07,416
Okay, okay, fine.
472
00:23:07,500 --> 00:23:11,208
Come on, Becca.
This is it. You're gonna be a mom.
473
00:23:11,291 --> 00:23:13,125
No, I can't do this!
474
00:23:13,208 --> 00:23:17,250
I don't want to give up long baths
and laying in bed with my iPad.
475
00:23:17,333 --> 00:23:20,291
-Well, okay.
-I'm not ready to be a mom.
476
00:23:20,375 --> 00:23:23,083
-Maybe you'll never be ready.
-How the fuck is that helpful?
477
00:23:23,166 --> 00:23:25,083
-Well, some things are like that.
478
00:23:25,166 --> 00:23:27,000
It's gonna be scary and hard,
479
00:23:27,083 --> 00:23:29,333
and-- and sometimes
you're gonna lose a shoe.
480
00:23:29,416 --> 00:23:32,250
But you know what,
you put on your hash brown sock
481
00:23:32,333 --> 00:23:34,208
and, damn it, you do it anyway
482
00:23:34,291 --> 00:23:37,333
because you're you,
and you can fucking handle it.
483
00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:39,083
Say more things!
484
00:23:39,166 --> 00:23:40,583
You-- You do kickboxing,
485
00:23:40,666 --> 00:23:42,791
and you seem to be awesome at your job,
486
00:23:42,875 --> 00:23:44,541
whatever the fuck that is.
487
00:23:44,625 --> 00:23:46,000
I'm a litigator!
488
00:23:46,083 --> 00:23:48,125
-See? That sounds really hard.
489
00:23:48,208 --> 00:23:52,541
And-- And you're married to Barry,
which I certainly couldn't do that.
490
00:23:52,625 --> 00:23:55,500
-That seems bad.
-He's gonna be a good dad.
491
00:23:55,583 --> 00:23:58,041
The point is,
you'll never feel ready, Becca,
492
00:23:58,125 --> 00:24:02,541
and, it turns out,
all you can do is fucking try!
493
00:24:02,625 --> 00:24:03,875
Now, come on!
494
00:24:10,458 --> 00:24:12,666
-You did it, Mama!
-Took you long enough.
495
00:24:12,750 --> 00:24:14,666
-We're a family.
-Did I poop?
496
00:24:14,750 --> 00:24:15,958
Oh. Uh…
497
00:24:16,041 --> 00:24:18,375
Nope. No, that's…
Well, I'll tell you what.
498
00:24:18,458 --> 00:24:22,666
I don't know what that is,
but more stuff is still comin' out.
499
00:24:22,750 --> 00:24:24,708
Oof! You're gonna wanna
put some ice on that thing.
500
00:24:25,916 --> 00:24:29,000
-Its head isn't pointy!
-Yeah, it's more egg-shaped.
501
00:24:29,083 --> 00:24:30,666
It's great you barely got any medicine.
502
00:24:30,750 --> 00:24:32,958
You could probably tell people
you did this without drugs.
503
00:24:33,041 --> 00:24:34,750
Emmy, go. Your turn, go.
504
00:24:37,166 --> 00:24:39,125
Ew. That thing looks weird.
505
00:24:39,208 --> 00:24:41,416
-Yeah, it does.
-Ugh.
506
00:24:41,500 --> 00:24:43,250
Damn, it's like somebody put
507
00:24:43,333 --> 00:24:45,916
Mr. Potato Head parts
on, like, a little baseball.
508
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,541
-Emmy!
-What? It's true.
509
00:24:48,625 --> 00:24:50,458
Call that thing cute, you're a liar.