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‎NETFLIX 影集

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‎一切都完蛋了

3
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‎對，你最好快醒來

4
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‎我們又餓又孤單，還很想拉屎

5
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‎準備好了嗎？三、二…

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‎食物！便便！馬上！

7
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‎我們需要奶奶！

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‎給我們大杯熱乳汁！

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‎沒事了，寶寶

10
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‎貝卡，是我

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‎我來了，準備要來表現愛意

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‎給我吃的！給我大便！奶子弄好點！

13
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‎寶寶有需求魔？

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‎昨天出現的，歡迎加入

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‎不是，我其實是貝卡的蟲

16
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‎原來，妳是奶子的同夥

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‎她幹嘛不照我們想要的
‎把奶子放進我們嘴裡？

18
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‎天啊，你還真激動

19
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‎廢話，我他媽可是需求魔

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‎美女，一切還順利嗎？

21
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‎順得很

22
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‎我兩天前拉了一坨4公斤的屎

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‎結果他現在隨時衝著我大哭大鬧

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‎很好，完全不怕當媽

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‎各位女士、先生，掌聲歡迎…

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‎別鬧，我現在沒心情說笑

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‎我累壞了

28
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‎妳把我丟在醫院不管

29
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‎我們忘記以前的艾咪
‎還有那個蠢妞犯的錯吧

30
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‎我是新艾咪，我這不就來了嗎

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‎還有帶伴手禮，妳看

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‎它本來是有頭的

33
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‎我們的肚肚痛！

34
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‎他可能是需要…

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‎那個…貝卡？

36
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‎我們能睡覺了嗎？

37
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‎妳是貝卡的需求魔？

38
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‎我是艾咪，我是她的新愛蟲

39
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‎天啊，真是震耳欲聾

40
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‎給我睡覺，給我吃的，給我死吧

41
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‎等小孩上大學，她就能睡了

42
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‎拜託別吵…

43
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‎妳表現得很好，母愛萬歲

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‎妳現在就給我閉嘴

45
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‎幹嘛這樣？我盡力了，好嗎？

46
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‎別當愛哭鬼，我這邊已經有一隻了

47
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‎我才不是愛哭鬼

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‎爽，屎拉出來了

49
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‎我要休息個十分鐘，有事再叫我

50
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‎-妳為什麼那樣看著他？
‎-不然我要怎樣看他？

51
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‎用關愛的目光？

52
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‎妳看，他的小鼻子好可愛

53
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‎妳看看

54
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‎那雙圓滾滾的大腿…

55
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‎妳在幹嘛？

56
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‎擠出光芒

57
00:02:30,875 --> 00:02:33,291
‎-拜託喔，妳連發光都辦不到？
‎-這個嘛…

58
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‎難怪我不愛這東西

59
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‎妳不愛寶寶？

60
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‎要是我的菜鳥愛蟲懂得盡責
‎我說不定就會愛了

61
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‎妳不愛寶寶，我是要怎麼盡責？

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‎我刮…

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‎萬歲，中獎了

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‎你跑來這裡幹嘛？

65
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‎不愛自己寶寶的母親
‎加上不會發光的愛蟲？

66
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‎我中了愧感樂透大獎！

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‎我他媽的

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‎笑一個

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‎妳看起來累壞了，美女

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‎（戀母情結）

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‎現在對服務女性的愧感巫師來說
‎可能是個問題重重的時代

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‎“身體自信”、“自愛”

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‎“同工同酬”

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‎難道女性愧感已經是過去事了嗎？

75
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‎我說個故事給各位聽

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‎我今天搭飛機來時
‎和一對母女坐逃生口座位

77
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‎我看到那個媽媽向空服員保證

78
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‎她女兒的手臂夠“粗壯”

79
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‎能打開座艙門

80
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‎然後她為自己點了一杯熱水加蔗糖素

81
00:04:13,750 --> 00:04:16,875
‎我在那一刻確定了一件事

82
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‎只要還有女人

83
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‎愧感就會存在

84
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‎非常感謝，謝謝

85
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‎“自己的身體，就怪自己”章節
‎實在太辛辣了，謝謝妳

86
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‎-我的迷妹行徑爆發了，抱歉
‎-沒事，謝謝妳，親愛的

87
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‎希望妳沒有排太久的隊

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‎天啊，我竟然見到了
‎負責喬帕特諾的愧感巫師

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‎那只是謠傳而已

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‎媽咪，妳好

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‎你好，萊諾

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‎我忘了你在這裡工作

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‎對

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‎我的信可能都寄到妳的垃圾信箱了？

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‎-嗨
‎-大人物駕到

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‎貝卡昨晚好嗎？

97
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‎有她這個懷抱軟綿綿寶寶的新手媽媽

98
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‎妳一定整天都光芒四射

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‎我的光芒其實沒那麼耀眼

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‎或該說完全沒光芒

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‎我試圖發光時，只放了個屁

102
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‎-糟糕
‎-不是每對父母都會立刻建立親情

103
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‎-真的嗎？
‎-有時候會比較慢發光

104
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‎那是很正常的

105
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‎-妳遇過那種事嗎？
‎-當然沒有

106
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‎我發光得又快又亮

107
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‎但話說回來，妳也不用覺得丟臉

108
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‎沒錯，只要妳不會徹底發不出光

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‎沒錯，發不出光絕對就丟臉了

110
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‎問題不在於我無法發光

111
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‎貝卡不懂愛人是她自己的錯

112
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‎她根本是瘋婆娘

113
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‎艾咪，妳不能這樣說自己的客戶

114
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‎妳該聽聽她對我說的話

115
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‎我不是壞心眼，但她真的有病

116
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‎我真心希望她能死於新型癌症

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‎-艾咪
‎-我就說我不是壞心眼了

118
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‎我們的見習日什麼都沒讓妳學到嗎？

119
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‎客戶就是我們的寶寶

120
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‎如果我們不愛寶寶
‎他們也不會愛自己

121
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‎他們如果不愛自己
‎也永遠不會愛他們的寶寶

122
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‎不好意思，我可以先吃顆薄荷糖嗎？

123
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‎因為你們同時對我灌輸一堆狗屁

124
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‎親愛的，我們只是想幫忙

125
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‎我知道

126
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‎你們只是…

127
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‎你們也沒必要那麼“貝卡”吧

128
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‎（黃金比例0.7版：女性高潮？）

129
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‎小莫，很抱歉我又忘記該死的密碼了

130
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‎是射精啦，要寫成“身寸米青”

131
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‎你的小朋友怎麼在這裡？

132
00:06:20,250 --> 00:06:21,500
‎他們不是該去上學嗎？

133
00:06:21,583 --> 00:06:24,125
‎他們的幼屌園爆發陰蝨大傳染

134
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‎只不過有根髒老二
‎他們就把整個地方關閉了

135
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‎很抱歉爹地太大聲了，爹地愛你們

136
00:06:31,458 --> 00:06:34,625
‎你有辦法在上班時應付那些小老粗？

137
00:06:34,708 --> 00:06:36,333
‎我會再想辦法

138
00:06:36,416 --> 00:06:39,541
‎我看看，有個小孩找到爸爸的飛機杯

139
00:06:39,625 --> 00:06:41,458
‎有個尋歡洞盛大開張

140
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‎我是很想幫忙照顧，不過…

141
00:06:43,416 --> 00:06:46,916
‎那可不行，妳絕對無法應付這些老二

142
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:48,125
‎你是什麼意思？

143
00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:50,791
‎沒什麼，只是這份責任重大

144
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‎而妳則是個繡花枕頭

145
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‎你這個性感智障竟敢講這種話

146
00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:59,875
‎我的意思是，妳並不適合照顧小孩

147
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‎我一定是超棒的老二保姆

148
00:07:01,958 --> 00:07:03,083
‎不找我是你的損失

149
00:07:03,166 --> 00:07:06,083
‎好吧，妳真的有辦法嗎？

150
00:07:06,166 --> 00:07:07,208
‎那當然

151
00:07:07,291 --> 00:07:08,625
‎-很好
‎-確實很好

152
00:07:08,708 --> 00:07:10,000
‎那妳會需要流程表

153
00:07:10,083 --> 00:07:12,625
‎首先，他們只吃美式鄉村多力多滋

154
00:07:12,708 --> 00:07:13,750
‎瞭解嗎？

155
00:07:13,833 --> 00:07:14,916
‎先嚼一嚼，然後…

156
00:07:15,750 --> 00:07:18,125
‎像餵幼鳥一樣餵進他們的洞

157
00:07:18,208 --> 00:07:20,708
‎-康妮，注意
‎-我在聽啊，“美式鄉村”

158
00:07:20,791 --> 00:07:23,625
‎另外，每兩個小時都得幫他們打手槍

159
00:07:23,708 --> 00:07:24,541
‎瞭解

160
00:07:24,625 --> 00:07:26,250
‎一定要讓他們在3點前睡午覺

161
00:07:26,333 --> 00:07:27,958
‎不然他們會變臭屁眼

162
00:07:28,041 --> 00:07:29,333
‎小莫，我知道啦

163
00:07:29,416 --> 00:07:31,333
‎這又不是我第一次駕馭老二

164
00:07:31,916 --> 00:07:34,875
‎咿哈！德州萬…靠

165
00:07:34,958 --> 00:07:36,708
‎就第一次來說還不錯

166
00:07:36,791 --> 00:07:40,000
‎那並不能令人多安心
‎但還是感謝妳的回顧鏡頭

167
00:07:41,416 --> 00:07:42,833
‎（《更年期》音樂劇）

168
00:07:48,958 --> 00:07:52,291
‎媽咪，可惜妳沒看到
‎那個年輕母親臉上的愧感

169
00:07:52,875 --> 00:07:56,166
‎她抱著寶貝的新生兒

170
00:07:56,250 --> 00:07:58,750
‎我一頭竄了過去，然後說…

171
00:08:01,333 --> 00:08:02,208
‎媽咪？

172
00:08:02,708 --> 00:08:03,875
‎我在聽啊，親愛的

173
00:08:03,958 --> 00:08:06,083
‎我有重要的信要寫給公關

174
00:08:06,166 --> 00:08:08,708
‎我說了妳的口號

175
00:08:08,791 --> 00:08:11,375
‎“有缺陷的女人就是失敗的女人”

176
00:08:11,875 --> 00:08:13,125
‎我給妳看照片

177
00:08:13,625 --> 00:08:16,041
‎媽咪？妳有看到嗎？

178
00:08:16,125 --> 00:08:19,208
‎在工作場合請叫我麗塔

179
00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:21,250
‎她一定哭了吧？

180
00:08:21,333 --> 00:08:23,208
‎還沒，她正要哭

181
00:08:23,291 --> 00:08:25,041
‎不過畫面就被切到劇名…

182
00:08:25,125 --> 00:08:27,166
‎抱歉我遲到了，寶貝

183
00:08:27,250 --> 00:08:29,625
‎凱蒂貓，妳終於來了

184
00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:32,000
‎還有別張椅子嗎？

185
00:08:32,082 --> 00:08:33,375
‎妳就坐萊諾的位子吧

186
00:08:33,457 --> 00:08:35,916
‎-什麼？
‎-你不介意在旁邊飄著吧，寶貝？

187
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:37,375
‎沒關係，媽咪

188
00:08:37,457 --> 00:08:40,500
‎好久不見，工作還順利嗎？

189
00:08:40,582 --> 00:08:42,207
‎一直忙得不可開交

190
00:08:42,291 --> 00:08:45,041
‎我上個月和亞馬遜公司合夥了

191
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:46,666
‎太令人興奮了

192
00:08:46,750 --> 00:08:50,000
‎我有數千個倉庫員工

193
00:08:50,083 --> 00:08:53,333
‎每個都極度厭世

194
00:08:53,916 --> 00:08:54,875
‎真厲害

195
00:08:54,958 --> 00:08:58,166
‎萊諾昨天差點成功讓一個女人哭了

196
00:08:58,250 --> 00:09:01,875
‎我差那麼一點就感到佩服了

197
00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:06,041
‎媽咪，別忘了妳的公關

198
00:09:06,125 --> 00:09:07,166
‎寫信？

199
00:09:07,250 --> 00:09:09,583
‎媽咪收到很多重要信件

200
00:09:09,666 --> 00:09:11,250
‎只是不是我寄的

201
00:09:11,333 --> 00:09:12,625
‎我寄的會跑到垃圾信箱

202
00:09:12,708 --> 00:09:14,250
‎萊諾，拜託別說了

203
00:09:14,333 --> 00:09:17,083
‎寶貝，那妳最近怎麼樣？

204
00:09:17,166 --> 00:09:18,208
‎沒什麼特別的

205
00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:21,791
‎聖愧感大學又邀請我去畢業典禮演講

206
00:09:21,875 --> 00:09:23,125
‎我就是聖愧感大學校友

207
00:09:23,208 --> 00:09:26,833
‎記得妳要是有參加我的畢典
‎妳會有多驕傲嗎？

208
00:09:26,916 --> 00:09:30,583
‎你幫個忙去幫凱蒂貓拿一碟牛奶吧

209
00:09:30,666 --> 00:09:31,500
‎是，媽咪

210
00:09:31,583 --> 00:09:33,958
‎慢慢來就好，萊諾

211
00:09:36,958 --> 00:09:39,000
‎快吃，我知道你餓了

212
00:09:39,083 --> 00:09:40,791
‎我們快他媽的餓死了

213
00:09:40,875 --> 00:09:43,458
‎妳怎麼沒把奶子擠成三明治？

214
00:09:43,541 --> 00:09:46,000
‎妳沒聽醫院那個賤人的話嗎？

215
00:09:46,083 --> 00:09:48,833
‎要是寶寶餓死怎麼辦？
‎天啊，妳會變寶寶殺手

216
00:09:48,916 --> 00:09:50,916
‎我會變成《驚爆內幕》的討論話題

217
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:52,166
‎然後妳就會被送去坐牢

218
00:09:52,250 --> 00:09:54,916
‎那裡除了《驚爆內幕》沒別的能看

219
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:58,375
‎妳覺得哺乳對妳為什麼是難上加難

220
00:09:58,458 --> 00:10:01,708
‎但對其他好女人卻是自然而然？

221
00:10:01,791 --> 00:10:05,416
‎你們可以別煩我嗎？讓我一個人…

222
00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:08,458
‎哭嗎？妳聽了我的話想哭，對吧？

223
00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:12,208
‎我才不想哭，我是想大叫

224
00:10:12,291 --> 00:10:14,833
‎很遺憾妳的情緒波動那麼大，貝卡

225
00:10:14,916 --> 00:10:17,208
‎我有點分身乏術

226
00:10:17,291 --> 00:10:19,333
‎柴克！不准啪啪！

227
00:10:20,416 --> 00:10:23,000
‎那些老二好粗暴
‎他們會不會是需要打手槍？

228
00:10:23,083 --> 00:10:24,541
‎妳才可能需要打手槍咧

229
00:10:24,625 --> 00:10:25,583
‎那還用說！

230
00:10:25,666 --> 00:10:29,000
‎可是都沒有我喜歡的道德色情片

231
00:10:31,416 --> 00:10:36,041
‎嗨，我最疼愛的客戶還好嗎？

232
00:10:36,125 --> 00:10:37,166
‎妳他媽看不出來嗎？

233
00:10:37,250 --> 00:10:39,666
‎她今天嘴下不留人，瞭解

234
00:10:39,750 --> 00:10:42,083
‎寶寶不吃奶，我好幾天沒睡覺

235
00:10:42,166 --> 00:10:44,125
‎而且我的乳頭一碰就痛

236
00:10:44,208 --> 00:10:46,583
‎-一碰就痛？
‎-我們徹底毀了

237
00:10:46,666 --> 00:10:48,500
‎妳為什麼那麼不會當媽？

238
00:10:48,583 --> 00:10:49,875
‎我們再也受不了了

239
00:10:50,708 --> 00:10:52,666
‎妳的噁心乳頭會講話？

240
00:10:52,750 --> 00:10:53,750
‎我們還會唱歌

241
00:10:53,833 --> 00:10:55,416
‎不會吧

242
00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:58,583
‎我一直以為我的一生會是

243
00:10:58,666 --> 00:11:02,041
‎永遠生氣勃勃、自由又有趣

244
00:11:02,125 --> 00:11:05,750
‎無須為明天擔心

245
00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:07,208
‎真好聽

246
00:11:08,375 --> 00:11:11,458
‎但現在我們被吸到麻痺

247
00:11:11,541 --> 00:11:14,750
‎被貪心的牙齦磨到破皮

248
00:11:14,833 --> 00:11:18,708
‎殘缺不齊，只剩滿懷悲傷的心

249
00:11:20,833 --> 00:11:24,208
‎快獻上甜蜜母乳汁液

250
00:11:24,291 --> 00:11:27,208
‎給我私人時間，我需要休息

251
00:11:27,291 --> 00:11:31,791
‎妳的乳腺可能被怪病堵住無法分泌

252
00:11:31,875 --> 00:11:33,708
‎來一杯小酒也行

253
00:11:33,791 --> 00:11:37,125
‎面對事實的時候已經來臨

254
00:11:38,458 --> 00:11:40,125
‎妳糟糕透頂

255
00:11:40,208 --> 00:11:43,166
‎-妳缺乏力量、堅毅
‎-妳蠢到不行

256
00:11:43,250 --> 00:11:45,166
‎應該要繼續避孕

257
00:11:45,250 --> 00:11:48,250
‎妳是沒有母愛的爛母親

258
00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:49,666
‎殘酷又冷冰冰

259
00:11:49,750 --> 00:11:51,291
‎乳頭是個屁

260
00:11:51,375 --> 00:11:52,916
‎妳應該要放棄

261
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:54,916
‎妳知道妳只會碰壁

262
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,166
‎嘗試又何必

263
00:11:56,250 --> 00:11:58,458
‎也許現在放棄還可行

264
00:11:58,541 --> 00:12:02,333
‎裝模作樣扮父母只是鬧劇

265
00:12:02,416 --> 00:12:04,208
‎妳不值一提

266
00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:06,625
‎妳糟糕透頂

267
00:12:06,708 --> 00:12:09,416
‎瓊媽媽，或是虐童媽咪

268
00:12:09,500 --> 00:12:12,708
‎-寇特妮洛芙，甚至是克莉絲詹納
‎-假貨

269
00:12:12,791 --> 00:12:15,958
‎-史上無數的爛媽咪
‎-廢物

270
00:12:16,041 --> 00:12:18,833
‎親愛的，妳榮登第一

271
00:12:18,916 --> 00:12:20,041
‎妳是騙子

272
00:12:20,125 --> 00:12:22,125
‎我需要擁抱

273
00:12:22,208 --> 00:12:23,250
‎妳是假貨

274
00:12:23,333 --> 00:12:25,000
‎我需要喘息

275
00:12:25,083 --> 00:12:29,958
‎這個錯誤18年內都會纏著妳

276
00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:33,416
‎妳是廢物，妳根本不行

277
00:12:33,500 --> 00:12:38,500
‎妳是笑話，妳糟糕透頂

278
00:12:41,500 --> 00:12:44,666
‎完美，各位表現得非常好

279
00:12:46,166 --> 00:12:48,416
‎全部都是妳的錯

280
00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:51,583
‎我已經盡力了，好嗎？

281
00:12:52,958 --> 00:12:54,750
‎靠，我爛透了

282
00:12:54,833 --> 00:12:57,833
‎我為什麼無法和寶寶建立感情？

283
00:12:57,916 --> 00:13:00,000
‎妳為什麼不能對我好一點？

284
00:13:00,083 --> 00:13:03,541
‎這些老二為什麼不吃餅乾？

285
00:13:03,625 --> 00:13:07,791
‎唉唷，我讓大家都哭了嗎？

286
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:12,041
‎不知道媽咪會怎麼說

287
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:14,541
‎“做得好，萊諾，你比凱蒂貓棒

288
00:13:14,625 --> 00:13:17,250
‎我終於要把我家地址告訴你了”

289
00:13:17,333 --> 00:13:19,708
‎沒錯，她就是會那麼說

290
00:13:22,750 --> 00:13:26,083
‎經歷早上的折磨，我真的很需要這個

291
00:13:26,166 --> 00:13:27,791
‎很高興我能幫得上忙

292
00:13:27,875 --> 00:13:32,125
‎雖然我不想說太多次
‎但貝卡真的有毛病

293
00:13:32,208 --> 00:13:33,416
‎貝卡是賤人

294
00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:35,166
‎不過現在她不在這，我在

295
00:13:35,250 --> 00:13:38,500
‎-所以我們就專心點
‎-你說得對

296
00:13:41,083 --> 00:13:45,208
‎真希望能問桑雅意見，不過你看她

297
00:13:45,291 --> 00:13:48,666
‎妳聽起來像是需要時間思考

298
00:13:48,750 --> 00:13:51,750
‎我完全沒意見
‎因為我剛塞了一點浴鹽進屁股

299
00:13:51,833 --> 00:13:54,333
‎效力開始發作了

300
00:13:54,416 --> 00:13:55,250
‎好喔

301
00:13:55,333 --> 00:13:58,541
‎所以我要去外面跟電線桿打架了

302
00:13:59,916 --> 00:14:01,166
‎有芹菜，太棒了

303
00:14:01,250 --> 00:14:04,250
‎喂，妳是貝卡的需求魔吧？

304
00:14:04,333 --> 00:14:08,166
‎妳還好吧？妳要不要開胃菜或…

305
00:14:08,250 --> 00:14:11,500
‎食物！很好！給我！

306
00:14:12,791 --> 00:14:14,500
‎我其實很淡定啦

307
00:14:14,583 --> 00:14:16,166
‎不過拜託給我食物

308
00:14:16,250 --> 00:14:19,416
‎快給我一些炸起司條
‎以免我在妳面前自殺

309
00:14:20,125 --> 00:14:22,541
‎天啊，服務生，麻煩一下

310
00:14:25,333 --> 00:14:29,208
‎這個寶寶有那麼多需求是怎樣？

311
00:14:30,166 --> 00:14:31,000
‎真他媽好吃

312
00:14:31,083 --> 00:14:34,625
‎貝卡從週五起就真的只睡四小時？

313
00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:35,708
‎-對
‎-真慘

314
00:14:35,791 --> 00:14:37,875
‎需要餐巾紙，給我餐巾紙

315
00:14:37,958 --> 00:14:39,708
‎請用，不客氣

316
00:14:40,583 --> 00:14:42,875
‎我想要消失

317
00:14:42,958 --> 00:14:44,250
‎太慘了吧

318
00:14:44,916 --> 00:14:49,791
‎我現在狀況不佳，我平常是很酷的

319
00:14:49,875 --> 00:14:52,375
‎那當然，我也吃過餐巾紙

320
00:14:52,458 --> 00:14:56,208
‎可惜妳沒看過
‎我在那個寶寶出生前的表現

321
00:14:56,291 --> 00:14:58,791
‎我和貝卡合作無間

322
00:14:58,875 --> 00:15:00,291
‎我們想要什麼就有什麼

323
00:15:00,791 --> 00:15:01,958
‎主動出擊

324
00:15:02,041 --> 00:15:05,750
‎隨時隨地，我們就是那麼屌

325
00:15:05,833 --> 00:15:07,833
‎妳知道飛翔的感覺嗎？

326
00:15:07,916 --> 00:15:09,083
‎等等…

327
00:15:09,166 --> 00:15:12,208
‎貝卡？那個暴躁賤人以前會狂歡？

328
00:15:12,291 --> 00:15:14,875
‎那當然，那些往日真美好

329
00:15:14,958 --> 00:15:17,166
‎不過看我現在這樣子

330
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:19,375
‎只是一縷廢物輕煙

331
00:15:19,916 --> 00:15:22,875
‎-靠，對不起
‎-這是我應得的

332
00:15:22,958 --> 00:15:24,083
‎才不是

333
00:15:24,166 --> 00:15:26,208
‎-妳現在還是很酷
‎-真的嗎？

334
00:15:26,291 --> 00:15:30,375
‎那當然，妳只是正在面臨難關

335
00:15:30,458 --> 00:15:32,083
‎對啊，貝卡也一樣

336
00:15:32,166 --> 00:15:35,125
‎-不好說，貝卡實在是…
‎-律師？

337
00:15:35,208 --> 00:15:36,166
‎-不是
‎-女人？

338
00:15:36,250 --> 00:15:37,208
‎-不是
‎-女律師？

339
00:15:37,291 --> 00:15:38,666
‎不是，她實在是個…

340
00:15:38,750 --> 00:15:40,875
‎就是那個婊開頭的詞

341
00:15:40,958 --> 00:15:42,250
‎婊子？

342
00:15:42,333 --> 00:15:43,250
‎對，就是這個

343
00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:45,625
‎不是，她只是招架不過來

344
00:15:45,708 --> 00:15:47,750
‎她是新手媽媽，那很辛苦

345
00:15:47,833 --> 00:15:50,958
‎當新手媽媽大概不是很容易

346
00:15:51,041 --> 00:15:52,208
‎慘了

347
00:15:52,291 --> 00:15:54,416
‎我才是婊子嗎？

348
00:15:56,208 --> 00:15:57,541
‎妳要吃那張收據嗎？

349
00:15:57,625 --> 00:15:59,875
‎親愛的，不好意思，我確實要吃

350
00:16:05,250 --> 00:16:06,750
‎抱歉，嘉文，再說一次

351
00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:09,291
‎我說：“她聽不到我說話”

352
00:16:09,375 --> 00:16:13,583
‎前一句是：“別無視我
‎不然我就上網爆料妳全家的事”

353
00:16:13,666 --> 00:16:16,000
‎再前面一句是：“真香”

354
00:16:16,083 --> 00:16:19,708
‎這是小莫的生殖器孩子要吃的

355
00:16:19,791 --> 00:16:21,333
‎妳今天在當保姆啊

356
00:16:21,416 --> 00:16:22,541
‎那些小可愛在哪？

357
00:16:22,625 --> 00:16:24,666
‎在我的辦公室裡搞破壞

358
00:16:24,750 --> 00:16:27,625
‎嘉文，我不知道該怎麼辦才好

359
00:16:27,708 --> 00:16:30,916
‎我弄這些多力多滋弄到手腕長骨刺

360
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,541
‎別緊張，他們餓個一天也不會死

361
00:16:33,625 --> 00:16:36,083
‎只要妳每兩小時都有幫他們打手槍

362
00:16:36,166 --> 00:16:41,916
‎我當然每兩個小時都有幫他們打手槍

363
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:47,291
‎-很好，妳也知道沒做到的後果是…
‎-我當然知道

364
00:16:47,375 --> 00:16:51,083
‎我要因為不相關的原因趕緊離開了

365
00:16:51,166 --> 00:16:54,583
‎很好，換嘉文加熱鮪魚湯了

366
00:16:54,666 --> 00:16:56,166
‎慘了…

367
00:16:58,291 --> 00:17:01,666
‎所以後果是會互幹增生？

368
00:17:01,750 --> 00:17:03,416
‎-還真多根老二
‎-是啊

369
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:06,165
‎最好在3點錢讓他們午睡
‎不然他們會變臭屁眼

370
00:17:06,250 --> 00:17:08,833
‎沒搞錯吧
‎彼特，你在羞辱我當媽的能力嗎？

371
00:17:08,915 --> 00:17:11,708
‎當然不是，妳又不是他們的媽

372
00:17:11,790 --> 00:17:13,208
‎我的背上有東西嗎？

373
00:17:13,290 --> 00:17:14,500
‎沒有，沒東西

374
00:17:14,583 --> 00:17:19,165
‎我告訴妳，HBO上有播，超級搞笑

375
00:17:19,250 --> 00:17:20,958
‎妳說劇名叫《核爆家園》？

376
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,125
‎我打在手機上

377
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:27,208
‎他們在第四集殺了一堆狗，很有趣

378
00:17:27,290 --> 00:17:28,540
‎終於找到妳了，媽咪

379
00:17:28,625 --> 00:17:30,500
‎我到處在找妳

380
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:33,625
‎-被你找到了，我真好命
‎-就是說啊

381
00:17:33,708 --> 00:17:35,125
‎我帶了特別禮物要給妳

382
00:17:35,208 --> 00:17:37,041
‎妳看，是愧感淚

383
00:17:37,125 --> 00:17:41,291
‎是從我之前提到的新手媽媽
‎她受苦受難的身軀新鮮現採的

384
00:17:41,375 --> 00:17:45,291
‎不用了，凱蒂貓開了一瓶憂鬱淚

385
00:17:45,375 --> 00:17:46,583
‎我到現在還在醉

386
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:49,000
‎噁心，憂鬱淚？

387
00:17:49,083 --> 00:17:52,666
‎媽咪，但這些愧感淚是我親手採集的

388
00:17:52,750 --> 00:17:56,041
‎真的很困難，但我為妳做到了

389
00:17:56,125 --> 00:17:58,458
‎拜託妳別笑我，媽咪

390
00:17:58,541 --> 00:18:01,541
‎寶貝抱歉，你的表情太好笑了

391
00:18:01,625 --> 00:18:03,291
‎“真的很困難，媽米”

392
00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:05,541
‎發音是…

393
00:18:05,625 --> 00:18:06,833
‎給我聽好，閉嘴

394
00:18:06,916 --> 00:18:09,041
‎發音是“媽咪”

395
00:18:09,125 --> 00:18:11,666
‎萊諾，回來啦

396
00:18:11,750 --> 00:18:13,625
‎我們會太想念你

397
00:18:15,541 --> 00:18:17,750
‎你們別鬧了

398
00:18:17,833 --> 00:18:19,625
‎現在是午休時間了，拜託

399
00:18:19,708 --> 00:18:21,166
‎你們也太多根了吧

400
00:18:22,166 --> 00:18:23,333
‎來，看看我有什麼

401
00:18:23,416 --> 00:18:26,541
‎我有《海綿老二》可以助眠喔

402
00:18:26,625 --> 00:18:28,875
‎那不是鮑魚喔，小傻瓜

403
00:18:28,958 --> 00:18:29,791
‎他們好可愛

404
00:18:29,875 --> 00:18:31,750
‎很快就會變臭屁眼了

405
00:18:31,833 --> 00:18:35,916
‎你們為什麼一直說這些可愛的小…

406
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,083
‎慘了

407
00:18:38,375 --> 00:18:40,083
‎他們在…快停下來

408
00:18:40,166 --> 00:18:42,625
‎別這樣，寶貝柴克，不要啊

409
00:18:43,833 --> 00:18:46,500
‎買菸給我們，帶我們去賽馬場

410
00:18:46,583 --> 00:18:49,916
‎-去你的，你他媽別碰我
‎-我去你媽的

411
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,166
‎要倒囉！

412
00:18:51,250 --> 00:18:52,458
‎你說我姊怎麼樣？

413
00:18:52,541 --> 00:18:54,416
‎你說我的伴侶怎麼樣？

414
00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:56,833
‎別在我的桌子上鬧，臭屁眼

415
00:18:56,916 --> 00:18:58,458
‎“臭屁眼”

416
00:18:58,541 --> 00:19:00,708
‎現在回想起來確實說得通了

417
00:19:00,791 --> 00:19:03,083
‎不管布萊恩神父對你做了什麼

418
00:19:03,166 --> 00:19:04,375
‎都不要說出去

419
00:19:04,458 --> 00:19:07,708
‎天啊，我辜負了這些小朋友

420
00:19:10,625 --> 00:19:14,041
‎哇靠，抱歉，我不知道妳在…
‎妳在做什麼？

421
00:19:14,125 --> 00:19:16,333
‎還沒辦法用擦的，太紅腫

422
00:19:16,958 --> 00:19:19,958
‎我不知道會有這種狀況

423
00:19:21,250 --> 00:19:25,458
‎我聽說妳以前蠻帥的

424
00:19:25,541 --> 00:19:28,833
‎妳是說我還不用冰敷乳頭
‎也不用沖洗我的…

425
00:19:29,958 --> 00:19:32,041
‎-我幹嘛往下看？
‎-妳幹嘛往下看？

426
00:19:32,625 --> 00:19:34,833
‎我的鮑魚可能要死了

427
00:19:34,916 --> 00:19:37,625
‎絕對不會死，它會好起來

428
00:19:37,708 --> 00:19:41,083
‎以後貝瑞還會幫妳口交

429
00:19:41,166 --> 00:19:42,333
‎還真令人開心喔

430
00:19:42,416 --> 00:19:44,958
‎有朝一日，妳甚至會像以前那樣狂歡

431
00:19:45,041 --> 00:19:48,250
‎還會吃辣雞三明治

432
00:19:48,333 --> 00:19:49,875
‎但到時候就不一樣了

433
00:19:49,958 --> 00:19:52,666
‎一切都不會再像從前了

434
00:19:52,750 --> 00:19:55,666
‎她說得對，為人父母讓一切變得很糟

435
00:19:55,750 --> 00:19:57,250
‎-去妳的
‎-是真的

436
00:19:57,333 --> 00:19:59,916
‎她身上隨時有地方在漏液

437
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:03,250
‎萬一妳的餘生只剩無盡苦難怎麼辦？

438
00:20:03,333 --> 00:20:06,916
‎最適合不適任家長的命運

439
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:09,708
‎大家準備好

440
00:20:09,791 --> 00:20:11,333
‎又要唱了

441
00:20:11,416 --> 00:20:13,416
‎不要，不准唱

442
00:20:13,500 --> 00:20:16,291
‎那首歌毫無幫助，全部都給我出去

443
00:20:16,375 --> 00:20:18,000
‎別弄濕這些屁眼

444
00:20:18,083 --> 00:20:19,958
‎他們今天已經像小精靈邪惡變身過了

445
00:20:20,041 --> 00:20:21,541
‎那部電影超屌

446
00:20:21,625 --> 00:20:22,916
‎滾出去

447
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:26,333
‎這個女人累壞了，她需要寧靜

448
00:20:26,416 --> 00:20:28,916
‎妳不能趕我出去，妳又不是我媽咪

449
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,291
‎萊諾，你也一樣，出去

450
00:20:30,958 --> 00:20:31,916
‎好多了

451
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,750
‎謝啦，妳是因為可憐我才對我好嗎？

452
00:20:34,833 --> 00:20:35,666
‎有一點

453
00:20:35,750 --> 00:20:38,333
‎不過我現在好像也開始尊敬妳了

454
00:20:38,416 --> 00:20:39,583
‎這倒是頭一遭

455
00:20:39,666 --> 00:20:43,625
‎對，妳的人生現在爛透了

456
00:20:43,708 --> 00:20:44,791
‎看看妳這樣子

457
00:20:44,875 --> 00:20:47,333
‎這其實已經是妳盡力的模樣

458
00:20:47,416 --> 00:20:50,250
‎就像我也一直在盡全力

459
00:20:50,333 --> 00:20:54,041
‎講實在話，我的全力實在不太有力

460
00:20:54,125 --> 00:20:58,000
‎妳能承認真的很勇敢

461
00:20:58,083 --> 00:20:59,791
‎我希望妳能一帆風順

462
00:20:59,875 --> 00:21:01,958
‎-我不是…
‎-妳不是要辭…

463
00:21:02,041 --> 00:21:03,541
‎-不是要辭職
‎-不是嗎？

464
00:21:03,625 --> 00:21:06,083
‎對，我是想說一番暖心大論

465
00:21:06,166 --> 00:21:09,916
‎然後希望能慢慢撐起我的角色

466
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:12,375
‎好吧，不錯，我喜歡

467
00:21:12,458 --> 00:21:14,791
‎很好，因為我覺得我們辦得到

468
00:21:14,875 --> 00:21:16,000
‎我只是…

469
00:21:16,083 --> 00:21:17,666
‎我不認為我們可以

470
00:21:18,166 --> 00:21:21,250
‎狀況真的好糟，我還一團亂

471
00:21:21,333 --> 00:21:25,916
‎是沒錯，可是妳的需求魔讓我知道

472
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:29,750
‎以前的好貝卡
‎跟現在的死鮑魚貝卡

473
00:21:29,833 --> 00:21:32,041
‎其實是同一個人

474
00:21:32,125 --> 00:21:34,916
‎而且並不是個大賤人

475
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:36,916
‎-好喔
‎-等一下，我還沒說完

476
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:41,458
‎我認為那些貝卡會成為好媽媽

477
00:21:41,541 --> 00:21:43,083
‎等等，妳在…

478
00:21:43,166 --> 00:21:46,833
‎有一點喔，我的屁股在發光

479
00:21:46,916 --> 00:21:48,041
‎而且寶寶還不在這裡

480
00:21:48,125 --> 00:21:50,833
‎我想這次是為妳發光的喔

481
00:21:51,708 --> 00:21:54,208
‎真好，又很溫暖

482
00:21:56,458 --> 00:21:57,625
‎謝謝妳

483
00:21:57,708 --> 00:22:00,041
‎妳不是糟糕透頂

484
00:22:00,125 --> 00:22:01,875
‎妳沒那麼差勁

485
00:22:01,958 --> 00:22:04,208
‎可以請妳閉上鳥嘴嗎？

486
00:22:04,291 --> 00:22:06,291
‎我好不容易可以睡覺了

487
00:22:06,375 --> 00:22:07,458
‎對喔，抱歉

488
00:22:08,208 --> 00:22:10,541
‎我是好巫師，我很努力工作

489
00:22:10,625 --> 00:22:13,083
‎我做了妳用愧感逼我做的一切

490
00:22:13,166 --> 00:22:15,416
‎所以妳告訴我一件事，媽咪

491
00:22:15,500 --> 00:22:16,875
‎我是哪裡不如凱蒂貓？

492
00:22:17,500 --> 00:22:21,083
‎既然你堅持，我只好說了
‎她贏在緊實小屁眼跟粗糙舌頭

493
00:22:21,875 --> 00:22:22,708
‎凱蒂貓！

494
00:22:22,791 --> 00:22:26,083
‎我以為媽咪是自己在這裡沒事幹

495
00:22:26,166 --> 00:22:29,416
‎寶貝，媽咪是在這裡被人幹

496
00:22:29,500 --> 00:22:32,000
‎-什麼？
‎-唉唷，我還以為他知道

497
00:22:32,083 --> 00:22:34,000
‎我怎麼可能會知道？

498
00:22:34,083 --> 00:22:37,583
‎寶貝，我們也沒有多加隱藏

499
00:22:37,666 --> 00:22:38,666
‎真的假的？

500
00:22:40,583 --> 00:22:42,125
‎我確實沒注意到那裡

501
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,208
‎那也沒看到

502
00:22:46,083 --> 00:22:48,333
‎對了，差一點，但還是沒注意到

503
00:22:48,416 --> 00:22:50,125
‎好吧，我應該已經大致…

504
00:22:50,208 --> 00:22:52,583
‎慢著，聖誕節早上？

505
00:22:52,666 --> 00:22:55,666
‎妳是說這從12月就開始了嗎？

506
00:22:55,750 --> 00:22:56,708
‎這個嘛

507
00:22:56,791 --> 00:22:58,750
‎並不是

508
00:23:04,208 --> 00:23:06,958
‎那麼多年來…

509
00:23:07,041 --> 00:23:09,750
‎-不知羞愧
‎-萊諾，你在咕噥什麼？大聲點

510
00:23:09,833 --> 00:23:12,041
‎妳不知羞愧

511
00:23:12,125 --> 00:23:13,333
‎給我閉嘴

512
00:23:13,416 --> 00:23:15,583
‎我們說的是妳的嘴巴，媽咪

513
00:23:15,666 --> 00:23:19,833
‎是妳整天在對凱蒂貓上舔下咬

514
00:23:19,916 --> 00:23:24,166
‎哪種兒子能比得上
‎有著小屁眼的奶油貓？

515
00:23:24,250 --> 00:23:25,125
‎等一下

516
00:23:25,208 --> 00:23:27,416
‎這番話聽起來像是他想幹妳

517
00:23:27,500 --> 00:23:29,958
‎我永遠無法像她那樣滿足妳

518
00:23:30,041 --> 00:23:32,000
‎拜託喔，越講越像了

519
00:23:32,083 --> 00:23:34,791
‎我們是愧感巫師，他當然想幹我

520
00:23:34,875 --> 00:23:36,458
‎不…

521
00:23:36,541 --> 00:23:38,291
‎我現在已經不想了

522
00:23:38,375 --> 00:23:40,791
‎我來告訴妳為什麼

523
00:23:40,875 --> 00:23:43,625
‎因為妳是個爛媽咪

524
00:23:46,125 --> 00:23:49,458
‎我為貝卡發光，然後又為寶寶發光

525
00:23:49,541 --> 00:23:51,500
‎我的屁股現在喜歡他們了

526
00:23:51,583 --> 00:23:52,958
‎這樣好適合妳

527
00:23:53,041 --> 00:23:56,208
‎我好像跟蘿榭兒差不多亮吧

528
00:23:56,291 --> 00:23:57,833
‎我們是閃亮雙姊妹耶

529
00:23:59,875 --> 00:24:01,250
‎好啦

530
00:24:01,333 --> 00:24:02,708
‎閃亮雙姊妹萬歲

531
00:24:02,791 --> 00:24:04,625
‎-放我們出去
‎-把袋子打開

532
00:24:04,708 --> 00:24:07,333
‎-我要撒一大泡尿
‎-你給我憋住

533
00:24:07,416 --> 00:24:09,791
‎我跟他說飛機杯是用來幹的

534
00:24:09,875 --> 00:24:12,708
‎不是用來口交，但是他不聽

535
00:24:12,791 --> 00:24:14,125
‎不要在袋子裡拉屎

536
00:24:14,208 --> 00:24:15,666
‎你的老二還你，小莫

537
00:24:15,750 --> 00:24:18,000
‎數量和品質都跟原本一樣

538
00:24:18,083 --> 00:24:19,333
‎很久以後再見囉

539
00:24:19,416 --> 00:24:21,791
‎先別走，康妮…

540
00:24:21,875 --> 00:24:24,541
‎袋子裡裝著五百個臭屁眼，對吧？

541
00:24:24,625 --> 00:24:26,333
‎你…你說得沒錯

542
00:24:26,416 --> 00:24:27,458
‎康妮

543
00:24:27,541 --> 00:24:29,625
‎對不起啦，我只是…

544
00:24:29,708 --> 00:24:33,375
‎我不小心沒做到你要我做的每一件事

545
00:24:33,458 --> 00:24:34,875
‎我就知道妳還沒準備好

546
00:24:34,958 --> 00:24:36,583
‎為人父母是很困難的

547
00:24:36,666 --> 00:24:38,708
‎才不是，是很白癡

548
00:24:38,791 --> 00:24:40,833
‎你在生氣嗎？大概在生氣吧？

549
00:24:40,916 --> 00:24:42,041
‎沒關係啦

550
00:24:42,125 --> 00:24:45,208
‎我通常都直接把整袋屁眼送去波士頓

551
00:24:45,291 --> 00:24:46,625
‎他們在那邊好像很活躍

552
00:24:47,583 --> 00:24:49,666
‎-你爛透了
‎-去他媽的洋基隊

553
00:24:49,750 --> 00:24:51,375
‎-寶貝，你的啤酒來了
‎-不會吧

554
00:24:51,458 --> 00:24:53,333
‎我們上接吻鏡頭了，嘴巴噘起來

555
00:24:57,125 --> 00:24:59,333
‎妳好，麗塔

556
00:24:59,416 --> 00:25:03,333
‎我想在離開前幫你簽書

557
00:25:03,416 --> 00:25:06,791
‎妳想簽就簽吧，我無所謂

558
00:25:06,875 --> 00:25:08,416
‎在我巡迴的上一站

559
00:25:08,500 --> 00:25:12,333
‎泰莉葛羅斯問我
‎我人生最大的愧感是什麼

560
00:25:14,291 --> 00:25:15,291
‎妳怎麼說？

561
00:25:15,375 --> 00:25:17,500
‎我說是我兒子萊諾

562
00:25:17,583 --> 00:25:19,125
‎-真的嗎？
‎-當然是真的

563
00:25:19,208 --> 00:25:22,208
‎聽我說，凱蒂貓很風趣

564
00:25:22,291 --> 00:25:24,791
‎心眼好、屁眼小

565
00:25:24,875 --> 00:25:29,000
‎-夠了，我懂了
‎-不過她終究只是我的炮友

566
00:25:29,083 --> 00:25:32,000
‎我這麼多年來
‎連一次都沒有要她羞愧過

567
00:25:32,083 --> 00:25:33,833
‎你則正好相反

568
00:25:33,916 --> 00:25:36,833
‎我會終身折磨你

569
00:25:36,916 --> 00:25:39,916
‎那是因為妳愛我？

570
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:41,083
‎不是，兒子

571
00:25:41,166 --> 00:25:43,708
‎那是因為我是你的媽咪

572
00:25:45,875 --> 00:25:48,583
‎“感謝閱讀，媽”

573
00:25:49,833 --> 00:25:53,500
‎天啊，我願用一切
‎換取跟她共度春宵的機會

574
00:26:35,083 --> 00:26:36,000
‎字幕翻譯：韓仁耀