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00:00:08,416 --> 00:00:10,916
-[instrumental music swells]
-[indistinct chatter]

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[woman] Welcome to Human Resources.

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As a new employee at the most prestigious
organization in human relations,

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you are about to embark
on an amazing adventure.

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Life down on Earth
can be very complicated,

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and that's why people need us.

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You'll be assigned
your human clients by the tube.

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I got Michael Bloomberg? Okay.

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[woman] You'll have the opportunity
to work with creatures

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in many departments.

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Your team members will be
Hormone Monsters…

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[chuckles] This is so hot.
And she hasn't even used her tools yet.

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[woman] …Shame Wizards…

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Oh, your wife is texting you about
picking up your daughter from school.

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Did you want me to respond?

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[woman] …Lovebugs…

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Oh, my God. The love of your life
is proposing to you at the Eiffel Tower.

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[woman] …Depression Kitties…

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Honey, Leonardo DiCaprio called.
He wants his blood diamond back.

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[woman] …Logic Rocks…

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Hey, Jeremy,
there's no reason to stand up yet.

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I promise you, you will get off the plane.

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[woman] And many more.

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You are all essential workers
who help make humans human,

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seven days a week, 52 weeks a year,
1,000 years a millennium.

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This is Human Resources.

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-[static buzz]
-Any questions?

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Sorry, just want to clarify.
The show's going to be like Big Mouth?

29
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Well, Big Mouth meets The Office

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is how we sold it.

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Oh, I'd watch that.

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Hey, Mr. Dick Pinwheel. If not you, who?

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["Make Me Feel" by Janelle Monáe plays]

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♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪

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♪ That's just the way you make me feel
That's just the way you make me feel ♪

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♪ So good, so good, so fuckin' real
So good, so good, so fuckin' real ♪

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♪ That's just the way you make me feel
That's just the way you make me feel ♪

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♪ It's like I'm powerful
With a little bit of tender ♪

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♪ An emotional, sexual bender ♪

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♪ Mess me up, yeah
But no one does it better ♪

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♪ There's nothin' better ♪

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♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪

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[birds chirping]

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[melodic music plays]

45
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Hey, Joe, I tell you my wife
is all into energy work now?

46
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-Oh, brother.
-Yeah, exactly.

47
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She says my "heart chakra" is all
clogged up, whatever the fuck that means.

48
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It's like, come on,

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"Can't you just let me watch
penis hockey in peace for Christ's sake?"

50
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-That was a game last night.
-Good morning, gentlemen.

51
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Hey, Maury, you heard about that new
VR sex app the humans are into?

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Whatever happened to yanking your old dick
to an oil painting of a stacked milkmaid?

53
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Those were the days, my friends.

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I'm telling you,
in 20 years, nobody's gonna fuck.

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Oh, please. You guys said the same thing
when women discovered vibrators.

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Yeah, well, I don't know. [laughs]
It put an end to fucking in my house.

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[mellow music plays]

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Hey, Maury. What kind of cake
do you want for your birthday?

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What's that? Oh no, it's not my birthday.

60
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It's on the office calendar.
Don't be weird.

61
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Ugh! Why do we always
have to have treats for birthdays

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like we're all
a bunch of fucking children?

63
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Sorry for trying to do something nice.

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What a bitch I am, getting you cake.

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Oh, I fucking hate this job.

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Becca, I'm afraid we're going to
have to put you on bed rest

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for the last month of your pregnancy.

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The fuck you are!

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-Excuse me?
-Uh, sweetie--

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I start arguing a case on Monday,

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and I'll queef this baby out
in the jury box before I'd miss it.

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-She'll do it, Doc.
-[growls] I need another option.

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Well, there are no other options.

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We need to make sure
your water doesn't break early.

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-Oh no! What if the baby doesn't survive?
-[tense music plays]

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Or what if it does,

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and it's born with a pointy head,
and it can only wear Santa hats?

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[buzzing] What a terrible life!

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Excuse me. Excuse me. Yes, floor is mine.

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Tito's crazy Santa hat fixation aside,
this is a big fucking deal.

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I know. That's what I'm saying.

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Speaking from the point of view
of ambition,

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how's Becca supposed to make partner
while she's stuck on bed rest?

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And logically, this makes no sense.

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Hypertension doesn't
even run in her family.

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Who cares about that shit?

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They're never gonna fuck again

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once that baby turns her pussy
into Bolognese.

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-Connie, gonna need you to chill out.
-[chuckles]

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[snapping] Emmy, yo.
You're getting all this, right?

91
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Uh… Yep. Got it. Gettin' it.

92
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"Pussy Bolognese." We got it.

93
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Don't worry, Connie, they will have sex.

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It'll just be less frequent
and not as good.

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And the sex with Barry already wasn't
very good or frequent, was it? [laughs]

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[mocking] "I'm Barry. I always announce
when I'm about to cum."

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"I'm cumming, I'm Barry."

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[laughing]

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I love her Barry even more
than the real Barry. Barry's not cool.

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Hey, knock it off. Becca loves Barry.

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And she's gonna love this baby too
because I'm doing my goddamn job

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and I need
the rest of you to get on board.

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-Okay.
-Indeed.

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That means no more kickboxing
and no work. Petra, nod if you hear me.

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Okay, fine, fine. But her delicate womb
can still review briefs, okay?

106
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She's allowed to move
her fucking eyeballs, right?

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[melodic music plays]

108
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Emmy… [clears throat]
I'm going to be real with you.

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Your notes are crap,
you spend all your time doing imitations--

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-Impressions.
-Taking surveys…

111
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But everyone loves
my "Would you rather" board.

112
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It makes them want to come to work.

113
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Work should make
people want to come to work.

114
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Yeah, but it doesn't.

115
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Let me ask you something, do you even
want to be a professional Lovebug?

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I guess? But, honestly,
as long as I can still afford

117
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my nightly pizza-burrito with my friends,
it's all Gucci, Stanley Tucci.

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Hey, Emmy, shut the fuck up.
What we do here is important.

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It's not some bullshit job

120
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that exists just to pay
for whatever a pizza-burrito is.

121
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Sonya, pizza-burritos are so good.

122
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Oh my God. I don't care. Bro!
Becca's about to have a fucking baby.

123
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Whoa. Sonya, are you okay?

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I'm fine. I've just got a lot on my plate,
and you, my assistant,

125
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have zero interest
in taking anything off of it.

126
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Okay, I'm sorry about your plate.

127
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Damn! What's her problem?

128
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I don't know.
I already forgot what she said.

129
00:06:09,916 --> 00:06:12,916
So, how was your date last night
with that Addiction Angel?

130
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Come on, come on, spill the nectar, honey.
I am parched.

131
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Did he take you to a romantic restaurant?

132
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Ooh, did he get vulnerable
with you over candlelight?

133
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Well, not exactly.

134
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We just sort of got straight to the, uh,

135
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boning portion of the evening.

136
00:06:27,666 --> 00:06:28,708
Girl, again?

137
00:06:28,791 --> 00:06:30,000
It's totally fine.

138
00:06:30,083 --> 00:06:32,333
And it's also--
It's actually what I wanted…

139
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[hesitates] …and it's fine.

140
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Mm-mm. No. You're a terrible liar.

141
00:06:35,666 --> 00:06:39,500
Honey, you need someone
who will fill your belly with fancy food

142
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before they fill your shelly
with unprotected sex things.

143
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Oh my God,
how'd you know it was unprotected?

144
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Girl, please. I know who I'm talking to.

145
00:06:47,958 --> 00:06:49,916
What the fuck do you want?

146
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-What's security doing in Sonya's office?
-I have no idea.

147
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-Um, was this in Sonya's calendar?
-[laughs] How am I supposed to know?

148
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You're her assistant.
That's like literally your job.

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[Sonya] Fuck you. You can't fire me.
I got Barack and Michelle together.

150
00:07:03,958 --> 00:07:06,875
She goes to the Obama well
a little too often.

151
00:07:06,958 --> 00:07:08,208
[thudding, clattering]

152
00:07:08,291 --> 00:07:11,083
-Okay, let's go.
-Get your scaly hands off me.

153
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-I am a senior Lovebug.
-[ominous music plays]

154
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-[Eric] Not anymore.
-Fuck you, Eric.

155
00:07:15,583 --> 00:07:16,458
Oh my God.

156
00:07:16,541 --> 00:07:18,500
And what are you all looking at?

157
00:07:18,583 --> 00:07:22,875
You've never seen someone
get dragged out by security before?

158
00:07:22,958 --> 00:07:27,500
You bastards.
You fire her, you fire all of us!

159
00:07:27,583 --> 00:07:28,625
I'm tot-- I'm kidding.

160
00:07:28,708 --> 00:07:32,458
[laughs] I'm kidding. I love my job
and my nice things. Please don't fire me.

161
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[lively instrumental music plays]

162
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[bell dings]

163
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Hey, dick phlegm,
I hear it's your birthday.

164
00:07:42,541 --> 00:07:44,583
How old is that fat fucking face of yours?

165
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-I'm, uh, 40 million.
-"Forty million"?

166
00:07:47,375 --> 00:07:50,333
And you're still working with kids?
That's entry-level shit.

167
00:07:50,416 --> 00:07:52,458
I like the kids. They're enthusiastic.

168
00:07:52,541 --> 00:07:56,666
[laughs] Yeah, they're "enthusiastic."
That's cute. I'm happy for your sad life.

169
00:07:56,750 --> 00:08:01,333
Meanwhile, you hear I just got promoted
to head of testosterone for the NFL?

170
00:08:01,416 --> 00:08:03,041
-You got the gig?
-Fuck yeah!

171
00:08:03,125 --> 00:08:06,875
Moved on from teens
right into ripped meathead dumb fucks.

172
00:08:06,958 --> 00:08:09,000
-Mwah! I love those psychos.
-[bell dings]

173
00:08:09,083 --> 00:08:12,041
Anyway, I'm headed to Vegas this weekend
to watch a couple of teams

174
00:08:12,125 --> 00:08:13,791
bash each other's brains into oatmeal,

175
00:08:13,875 --> 00:08:16,250
then get fucked out
at the Bunny Ranch sideways.

176
00:08:16,333 --> 00:08:18,916
-Happy birthday, you babysitter bitch.
-[bell dings]

177
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Did you guys know that Gavin was promoted?

178
00:08:21,083 --> 00:08:22,750
Who cares? We all get the same dental.

179
00:08:22,833 --> 00:08:26,791
Sure, but Gavin's really doing something
with his life. You know what I mean?

180
00:08:26,875 --> 00:08:30,666
Nope. I mean, I'm perfectly satisfied
getting children to touch their privates.

181
00:08:30,750 --> 00:08:33,958
You don't ever question
what your greater purpose is?

182
00:08:34,041 --> 00:08:36,333
-[snorts] Why would we do that?
-[sighs]

183
00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:40,458
I wish I was a simple shit-for-brains
like you fucking zeros.

184
00:08:40,541 --> 00:08:43,750
Unfortunately, my inner depths
know no bounds.

185
00:08:43,833 --> 00:08:46,333
-All right, have a good one, chief.
-Have fun looking inward.

186
00:08:46,416 --> 00:08:48,791
Some monsters are never happy.
Maybe he's not getting it up.

187
00:08:48,875 --> 00:08:49,916
-[loud thud]
-Whoa. Whoa!

188
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:53,625
-What the hell?
-Uh, hey, Todd? The elevator's stuck.

189
00:08:53,708 --> 00:08:55,125
Yeah. That's been happening.

190
00:08:55,208 --> 00:08:57,708
Oh, okay, well,
can you come fix it, genius?

191
00:08:57,791 --> 00:08:58,750
Can you say "please"?

192
00:08:58,833 --> 00:08:59,791
Okay, sure, yeah.

193
00:08:59,875 --> 00:09:03,541
No, pretty please, Mr. Janitor
who cleans doodie out of the toilet,

194
00:09:03,625 --> 00:09:05,208
will you come and do your goddamn job?

195
00:09:05,291 --> 00:09:07,958
I'm not a janitor,
I'm an operations manager.

196
00:09:08,041 --> 00:09:09,708
Did he just hang up on us?

197
00:09:09,791 --> 00:09:12,500
If we get stuck here,
I eat you, you understand?

198
00:09:12,583 --> 00:09:15,458
I can't imagine I'd taste good.
'Cause what I'm putting in is not good.

199
00:09:15,541 --> 00:09:17,750
-What are you eating?
-I'm doing a lot of prawns.

200
00:09:17,833 --> 00:09:19,125
I'm doing all prawns.

201
00:09:19,208 --> 00:09:22,666
Come on, baby girl, you really have
no idea why Sonya got fired?

202
00:09:22,750 --> 00:09:26,791
Okay, I get it. I don't take notes,
I don't pay attention,

203
00:09:26,875 --> 00:09:30,708
-I lied about my military service.
-Walter, Walter, do you know anything?

204
00:09:30,791 --> 00:09:33,708
I mean, you two are always
up each other's asses. Like, way up.

205
00:09:33,791 --> 00:09:36,708
I mean, there's a lot of options.
There's the drinking--

206
00:09:36,791 --> 00:09:39,625
I heard she fucked the Grinch
at the Christmas party.

207
00:09:39,708 --> 00:09:43,041
Go, Sonya. I heard the Grinch
is hung like a stocking.

208
00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:44,833
Well, now she's fucked us. Thank you.

209
00:09:44,916 --> 00:09:46,916
Okay? And what the hell's
gonna happen with Becca?

210
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:51,291
She's already gonna have a pointy-headed
weirdo baby and now she's got no Lovebug?

211
00:09:51,375 --> 00:09:52,250
[buzzes] Ahh!

212
00:09:52,833 --> 00:09:54,083
Hey, guys, it's the tube.

213
00:09:54,583 --> 00:09:56,750
Oh! It's for Emmy.

214
00:09:56,833 --> 00:09:59,125
Ooh! I never get these. [laughs]

215
00:09:59,208 --> 00:10:00,583
Okay, let's see here.

216
00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:06,000
"Due to Becca Li's imminent birth
and her familiarity with the case,

217
00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:09,375
Emmy Fairfax will step in
as Becca's Lovebug

218
00:10:09,458 --> 00:10:11,250
until a replacement is found"?

219
00:10:11,333 --> 00:10:13,791
-I'm sorry, her?
-Oh, fuck.

220
00:10:13,875 --> 00:10:15,708
Emmy can't even keep a calendar.

221
00:10:15,791 --> 00:10:18,875
What's she gonna do
when she gets placenta all over her?

222
00:10:18,958 --> 00:10:21,333
Placenta? I'm sorry,
I don't… I don't know what that is.

223
00:10:21,416 --> 00:10:25,333
Just one question. How can you advise
a woman on starting a family

224
00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:30,416
when you can't even make it home
on a weeknight sober with both shoes?

225
00:10:30,500 --> 00:10:33,291
Oh, God, I'm always losing shoes.

226
00:10:33,375 --> 00:10:35,291
[buzzes] You are so screwed.

227
00:10:35,375 --> 00:10:39,500
The only thing you know about Becca's case
is an anti-Semitic Barry impression.

228
00:10:39,583 --> 00:10:41,666
It's not anti-Semitic, is it?

229
00:10:41,750 --> 00:10:43,333
Well, it's not pro-Semitic.

230
00:10:43,416 --> 00:10:48,458
-Hey there, Mister Logic Man.
-[sighs] Stop. What do you want?

231
00:10:48,541 --> 00:10:52,958
I-- I think there's been a mistake,
and maybe it would be betta… [laughs]

232
00:10:53,041 --> 00:10:58,041
…if Becca was reassigned to a more
experienced, uh, Lovebug. [giggles]

233
00:10:58,125 --> 00:10:59,291
Yeah, it absolutely would be.

234
00:10:59,375 --> 00:11:01,666
-Okay, wow, that's mean.
-[phones ring]

235
00:11:01,750 --> 00:11:04,041
But, uh, yeah,
is there a way to make that happen?

236
00:11:04,125 --> 00:11:06,541
No, there's nothing you can do.
The tube gives the assignments.

237
00:11:06,625 --> 00:11:07,916
-You're stuck with it.
-That's it?

238
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,916
Uh, with all due respect,
I don't believe in you, like, at all,

239
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:12,500
and I'd like for you to leave.

240
00:11:12,583 --> 00:11:15,250
Guys. Break room for birthday cake.
[giggles]

241
00:11:15,333 --> 00:11:17,291
Shh! He's coming.

242
00:11:17,375 --> 00:11:21,125
Come on, Maury. The meeting
I told you about, which is very real,

243
00:11:21,208 --> 00:11:23,125
is happening here in the break room.

244
00:11:23,208 --> 00:11:27,000
I don't know why we'd be having a meeting
in the break room, but I do believe you.

245
00:11:27,083 --> 00:11:30,083
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

246
00:11:30,166 --> 00:11:32,958
No! Shut the fuck up.
I don't want a birthday cake.

247
00:11:33,041 --> 00:11:37,291
But, Maury, it's a cookie cake.
Not a regular cake, it's cookie cake.

248
00:11:37,375 --> 00:11:41,375
I'll explain. It's basically cookies
just mushied into a cake shape.

249
00:11:41,458 --> 00:11:45,500
Tyler, if you say the words cookie
or cake one more time,

250
00:11:45,583 --> 00:11:49,541
I'll mushy you into a dead shape. Ugh!

251
00:11:49,625 --> 00:11:51,000
Shit, Maury, what the hell?

252
00:11:51,083 --> 00:11:56,208
You think that's gonna stop me
from eating cookie cake? [grunting]

253
00:11:56,291 --> 00:11:58,083
Ooh! Half a bagel. [laughs]

254
00:11:58,166 --> 00:11:59,583
[yelps, grunts]

255
00:11:59,666 --> 00:12:00,500
[both grunting]

256
00:12:00,583 --> 00:12:02,083
-Holy shit.
-[eerie music plays]

257
00:12:02,166 --> 00:12:04,333
-What the hell floor is this?
-Who cares?

258
00:12:04,416 --> 00:12:07,333
-Let's go through the bigger hole.
-[laughs] That's what he said.

259
00:12:07,416 --> 00:12:10,458
Okay. Okay, yeah,
like the-- like the holes we use in sex.

260
00:12:10,541 --> 00:12:12,666
-Like the holes we use in sex.
-Okay. Yeah.

261
00:12:12,750 --> 00:12:16,000
-You're quick, man. You're quick.
-[both grunting]

262
00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:18,833
-Whoa.
-Wow. What is this place?

263
00:12:18,916 --> 00:12:21,958
[female voice] Welcome to
the Department of Magical Thinking.

264
00:12:22,041 --> 00:12:25,208
Okay, "Karmic Destiny, Religion…"

265
00:12:25,291 --> 00:12:29,791
Sharon would love this place.
She believes all that human mumbo-jumbo.

266
00:12:29,875 --> 00:12:31,958
[laughs] Yeah, humans are idiots.

267
00:12:32,041 --> 00:12:32,958
[crickets chirp]

268
00:12:33,041 --> 00:12:35,583
[Addiction Angel moaning]

269
00:12:35,666 --> 00:12:40,375
[sighs] Excuse me, love. I'm just gonna go
and take a long, hot piss.

270
00:12:40,458 --> 00:12:45,000
Okay, well, I hope you get it all out.
[giggles]

271
00:12:45,583 --> 00:12:49,416
[woozy] Could I get a bowl of vodka with,
like, eight limes in it?

272
00:12:49,500 --> 00:12:52,083
-Emmy?
-Sonya? Whoa.

273
00:12:52,166 --> 00:12:57,708
Wait, remember when you got fired
and they gave me your pregnant client?

274
00:12:57,791 --> 00:13:00,583
-What were they thinking?
-Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

275
00:13:00,666 --> 00:13:02,875
They gave you Becca?

276
00:13:02,958 --> 00:13:05,250
[belches] Ooh! That was a hot Cheeto.

277
00:13:05,333 --> 00:13:07,250
-[laughs]
-Wow. You're very drunk.

278
00:13:07,333 --> 00:13:13,958
Mm-hmm. Yeah, and that's because
I'm excited for this opportuni-tay

279
00:13:14,041 --> 00:13:16,833
and not deeply afraid I will fail

280
00:13:16,916 --> 00:13:20,291
and totally ruin
this woman's life forever. Whoo!

281
00:13:20,375 --> 00:13:23,958
Jesus, stop whoo-ing.
Becca needs you. Get yourself together.

282
00:13:24,041 --> 00:13:26,166
Okay, don't say she "needs" me.

283
00:13:26,250 --> 00:13:29,666
You're freaking me out.
Also, she has Barry. [chuckles]

284
00:13:29,750 --> 00:13:33,208
"I'm Barry. I love Becca so much and--"

285
00:13:33,291 --> 00:13:36,583
-Stop it. She loves Barry.
-[phone buzzing, chiming]

286
00:13:36,666 --> 00:13:37,791
-Huh.
-What is it?

287
00:13:37,875 --> 00:13:40,916
Well, the Addiction Angel I'm with
wants me to meet him in the bathroom

288
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,083
so he can do coke off my booty.

289
00:13:43,166 --> 00:13:44,500
-Emmy!
-[chuckles] What?

290
00:13:44,583 --> 00:13:48,208
I'm not doing the coke,
I'm just being the furniture.

291
00:13:48,291 --> 00:13:51,208
That I can do.
I'm capable of being a table.

292
00:13:51,291 --> 00:13:53,708
-Emmy, if you go to that bathroom…
-[sighs]

293
00:13:53,791 --> 00:13:55,250
…instead of going to Becca,

294
00:13:55,333 --> 00:13:57,458
I will rip your antennae from your skull.

295
00:13:57,541 --> 00:13:59,250
I can't do it, Sonya.

296
00:13:59,333 --> 00:14:01,291
-[somber music plays]
-I mean look at who I'm with.

297
00:14:01,375 --> 00:14:05,750
I don't know anything about love.
How am I supposed to help someone else?

298
00:14:05,833 --> 00:14:10,250
Look at me. I get that it's scary,
but sometimes, you gotta suck it up,

299
00:14:10,333 --> 00:14:12,833
do scary shit, and see what happens.

300
00:14:12,916 --> 00:14:16,333
-But what if--
-Dude, you'll never be ready.

301
00:14:16,416 --> 00:14:18,833
All you can do is fucking try.

302
00:14:18,916 --> 00:14:24,416
Okay. I-- I'll "fucking try."
I'll go meet Becca or whatever.

303
00:14:24,500 --> 00:14:26,708
Jesus Christ,
you haven't even met her yet?

304
00:14:26,791 --> 00:14:29,416
Go! Get the hell out of here.

305
00:14:29,500 --> 00:14:32,875
-Well, thanks, Sonya, and if Dante asks--
-Trust me, he won't.

306
00:14:32,958 --> 00:14:34,958
I know. I-- I do know that.

307
00:14:36,166 --> 00:14:38,333
Hey, we're still getting paid
for today, right?

308
00:14:38,416 --> 00:14:39,750
Yeah. We clocked in, man.

309
00:14:39,833 --> 00:14:41,375
-What the hell?
-[grunts]

310
00:14:41,875 --> 00:14:43,541
"Bizarre Bazaar."

311
00:14:43,625 --> 00:14:46,541
-More like "weird area," right? [laughs]
-[dreamy music plays]

312
00:14:46,625 --> 00:14:49,666
Me? I like regular stuff sold indoors.

313
00:14:49,750 --> 00:14:53,083
Come. Pick the crystal
that will transform your life.

314
00:14:53,166 --> 00:14:54,375
Nope. No, thank you.

315
00:14:54,458 --> 00:14:55,833
Hear your fortune.

316
00:14:55,916 --> 00:14:57,333
See the future.

317
00:14:57,416 --> 00:15:01,083
Ask me what time it is right now.
I know the answer.

318
00:15:01,166 --> 00:15:02,375
Well, hello there.

319
00:15:02,458 --> 00:15:04,666
Hello, big boy. You want a reading?

320
00:15:04,750 --> 00:15:08,333
You hear that, Gil? She's gonna do
a "reading." [chuckles]

321
00:15:08,416 --> 00:15:09,500
Yeah, no, I want one.

322
00:15:09,583 --> 00:15:10,541
[Gil whistles]

323
00:15:10,625 --> 00:15:13,500
And what, pray tell, are you, sister?

324
00:15:13,583 --> 00:15:18,916
Okay. Heads up, it'll take me a long time
to get going, but then it'll be over fast.

325
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:20,791
-[crickets chirp]
-[snoring]

326
00:15:20,875 --> 00:15:23,875
How in the gorgeous hell
do I have to pee again?

327
00:15:23,958 --> 00:15:26,625
This thing better be fun
when it comes out. [screams]

328
00:15:26,708 --> 00:15:30,333
Hi. Sorry, forgot to go before I left.
[chuckles]

329
00:15:30,416 --> 00:15:33,666
-Who the hell are you?
-I'm Emmy, your new Lovebug. Yay!

330
00:15:33,750 --> 00:15:34,833
Celebrate me.

331
00:15:34,916 --> 00:15:36,958
I don't want a new Lovebug.
What happened to Sonya?

332
00:15:37,041 --> 00:15:39,208
-Yeah, she got hardcore fired. [laughs]
-What?

333
00:15:39,291 --> 00:15:41,916
But no one knows why.

334
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:43,708
I think I know.

335
00:15:43,791 --> 00:15:47,333
It's on account of she fucked the Grinch.
[belches]

336
00:15:47,416 --> 00:15:48,666
Are you drunk?

337
00:15:48,750 --> 00:15:52,583
Are you pregnant? I'm just kiddin'.
I know you are. [chuckles]

338
00:15:52,666 --> 00:15:55,875
Wow, my first case is a preggo.
[laughs] Holy shit.

339
00:15:55,958 --> 00:15:57,083
Are you fucking kidding me?

340
00:15:57,166 --> 00:15:59,750
-You've never done this before?
-No. Never.

341
00:15:59,833 --> 00:16:02,833
Have you googled "placenta,"
by the way? Yuck.

342
00:16:02,916 --> 00:16:05,041
Oh, Sonya's abandoned you.

343
00:16:05,125 --> 00:16:07,958
And this new bug
does not seem up to the task.

344
00:16:08,041 --> 00:16:10,041
Why is she only wearing one shoe?

345
00:16:10,125 --> 00:16:13,708
Oh, no. And my sock
is a McDonald's hash brown bag.

346
00:16:13,791 --> 00:16:16,500
Becca, you must be freaking out.

347
00:16:16,583 --> 00:16:19,750
-My new Lovebug is a drunken idiot.
-Hey now, come on.

348
00:16:19,833 --> 00:16:21,583
And you think you can
take care of an infant?

349
00:16:21,666 --> 00:16:23,541
You're right. I can't be a mom.

350
00:16:23,625 --> 00:16:25,958
I have weed pens in my underwear drawer.

351
00:16:26,041 --> 00:16:27,833
Oh, what kind of weed? Sleepy or uppy?

352
00:16:27,916 --> 00:16:30,875
-And what if the baby comes early?
-Is there enough love for everybody?

353
00:16:30,958 --> 00:16:33,791
-What about Barry?
-God, I know. He's so needy.

354
00:16:33,875 --> 00:16:36,958
-"I'm Barry. I love you."
-[Becca groans]

355
00:16:37,041 --> 00:16:39,250
You're gonna get to know my impressions.
They're awesome.

356
00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:42,000
How about the dog?
He'll definitely bite the baby's face off!

357
00:16:42,083 --> 00:16:44,833
Your ugly baby is gonna smoke your weed.

358
00:16:44,916 --> 00:16:47,041
-Will you shut up? [gasps]
-[splash]

359
00:16:47,125 --> 00:16:48,541
Oh, shit.

360
00:16:48,625 --> 00:16:50,875
-Eww. What is that?
-Did you just…

361
00:16:50,958 --> 00:16:54,458
Piss on the floor?
Come on, dude, I'm only wearing one shoe.

362
00:16:54,541 --> 00:16:56,333
I-- I think my water broke.

363
00:16:56,416 --> 00:16:58,916
-Oh, crap. What the hell does that mean?
-Becca!

364
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,541
-You're going into labor! [echoes]
-[dramatic sting]

365
00:17:01,625 --> 00:17:04,875
Robbie, it's highly unlikely
there's a monster under your bed

366
00:17:04,958 --> 00:17:06,291
because monsters are big.

367
00:17:06,375 --> 00:17:08,791
Now, if I were you,
I'd be worried about your closet.

368
00:17:08,875 --> 00:17:09,750
[pager beeps]

369
00:17:09,833 --> 00:17:12,875
Uh, gotta go. Death is inevitable
so just try not to worry about it.

370
00:17:12,958 --> 00:17:14,416
[tense music plays]

371
00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:18,291
Just eat a few more Adderall
and finish the goddamn presentation.

372
00:17:18,375 --> 00:17:19,208
-[pager beeps]
-Ugh!

373
00:17:19,291 --> 00:17:21,125
Do you want to land
this refried beans account,

374
00:17:21,208 --> 00:17:24,291
or get stuck in regular beans forever
like your loser fuckin' dad?

375
00:17:24,375 --> 00:17:27,541
Oh, yeah, good call mentioning
what a knockout her sister is

376
00:17:27,625 --> 00:17:29,083
-in your wedding toast.
-[sobbing]

377
00:17:29,166 --> 00:17:30,333
-[pager beeps]
-Look, listen.

378
00:17:30,416 --> 00:17:35,083
I'll be back later
when your penis doesn't get hard.

379
00:17:35,166 --> 00:17:37,208
Maury. How long you been in here?

380
00:17:37,291 --> 00:17:38,500
Leave me alone.

381
00:17:38,583 --> 00:17:41,750
What's going on with you?
It's your birthday, baby.

382
00:17:41,833 --> 00:17:44,291
It's time for jubilation and butt stuff.

383
00:17:44,375 --> 00:17:48,291
I'm 40 million years old, Connie,
and what do I have to show for it?

384
00:17:48,375 --> 00:17:51,708
I made a kid cum on his dead grandpa?
Fuckin' amateur hour.

385
00:17:51,791 --> 00:17:54,250
But you got two shows on Netflix.

386
00:17:54,333 --> 00:17:57,458
So what? Everyone's got a show on Netflix.

387
00:17:57,541 --> 00:17:58,500
I don't have kids,

388
00:17:58,583 --> 00:18:01,416
I-- I don't have a steady partner.
Uh, no offense.

389
00:18:01,500 --> 00:18:04,625
Nope, none taken.
I do not want a steady partner.

390
00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:06,583
Yeah, yeah. Steady partner, that's stupid.

391
00:18:06,666 --> 00:18:10,375
Hey, would a birthday blowjob
make you feel better, Maury?

392
00:18:10,458 --> 00:18:12,791
-I mean, it wouldn't make me feel worse.
-[pager beeps]

393
00:18:12,875 --> 00:18:17,833
Oh shit. That blowie's gonna have to wait.
Becca's in labor. I gotta bounce.

394
00:18:17,916 --> 00:18:22,125
I guess I'll just suck my own dick then
like the loser I clearly am.

395
00:18:22,208 --> 00:18:24,375
That's right, the only mouth
that'll suck your dick

396
00:18:24,458 --> 00:18:27,333
is the one attached
to your fat, fucking face.

397
00:18:27,416 --> 00:18:29,208
Happy birthday, shithead.

398
00:18:29,291 --> 00:18:30,750
[relaxing music plays]

399
00:18:30,833 --> 00:18:34,916
-Ooh! Stinky.
-A little. May I read your aura?

400
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,541
Yeah, okay, whatever you want, baby.

401
00:18:37,625 --> 00:18:41,916
Blue represents the mind.
Yours is unburdened.

402
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,250
Okay, I'm not gonna
read into that too much.

403
00:18:44,333 --> 00:18:47,166
-[heart beating]
-And green is the heart. Oh, wow.

404
00:18:47,250 --> 00:18:49,125
I'm detecting a real blockage in you.

405
00:18:49,208 --> 00:18:51,833
Hey, what's your problem? I thought
we were gonna fuck. What is this?

406
00:18:51,916 --> 00:18:55,125
I'm sensing you may be
closing yourself off

407
00:18:55,208 --> 00:18:57,041
emotionally, physically…

408
00:18:57,125 --> 00:18:58,833
With your wife, perhaps?

409
00:18:58,916 --> 00:19:00,791
Hey! Just because I'm a Hormone Monster

410
00:19:00,875 --> 00:19:03,875
doesn't mean I'm in the mood
to have sex every week, Sharon!

411
00:19:03,958 --> 00:19:06,666
-That's right, open up.
-[sobs]

412
00:19:06,750 --> 00:19:08,541
It's because my mom died a year ago

413
00:19:08,625 --> 00:19:10,750
and I'm still mourning her, Sharon.
[sniffles]

414
00:19:10,833 --> 00:19:14,916
And I know you couldn't stand her,
but she was still my goddamn mommy.

415
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,333
Of course, that makes sense.

416
00:19:17,416 --> 00:19:22,708
Wow, I feel so… so light.
What did you just do to me?

417
00:19:22,791 --> 00:19:24,708
I unblocked your heart chakra.

418
00:19:24,791 --> 00:19:26,625
Wait a second.
You're one of those chakras?

419
00:19:26,708 --> 00:19:28,083
Like Sharon talks about?

420
00:19:28,166 --> 00:19:31,250
This is a con! This is a chakra con!

421
00:19:31,333 --> 00:19:33,500
-[whooshing]
-Don't! Stop! Hey, get the hell off me!

422
00:19:33,583 --> 00:19:35,083
Get off me! Ahh!

423
00:19:35,166 --> 00:19:36,625
[grunts, gasps]

424
00:19:36,708 --> 00:19:38,125
What the fuck happened in there?

425
00:19:38,208 --> 00:19:41,375
Yeah, the Queen of Cups
told me I'm gonna die on July 9.

426
00:19:41,458 --> 00:19:42,416
Eh, it is what it is.

427
00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:45,208
Well, I met a chakra,
and, Joe, I don't know how to put this,

428
00:19:45,291 --> 00:19:48,583
but I might have accidentally
learned something about myself.

429
00:19:48,666 --> 00:19:50,916
-Ugh. You're kidding.
-Yeah, no, I-- I'm not kidding.

430
00:19:51,500 --> 00:19:55,250
-So, I guess you believe in chakras now?
-Yeah, but don't tell Sharon, okay?

431
00:19:55,333 --> 00:19:58,666
And don't you go telling Nancy
about me dying on July 9.

432
00:19:58,750 --> 00:20:00,208
I want it to be a surprise.

433
00:20:00,291 --> 00:20:01,375
[groans]

434
00:20:01,458 --> 00:20:05,833
Becca, baby, what can I do?
Do you want a fan? Uh, some Corn Nuts?

435
00:20:05,916 --> 00:20:09,666
-I want this parasite ripped out of me.
-Let's start with a fan.

436
00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:13,916
"Parasite"? Look out, world,
great mother coming through.

437
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,000
-[groans]
-Becca, you're so strong.

438
00:20:16,083 --> 00:20:18,750
You strong woman. How are you doing?

439
00:20:18,833 --> 00:20:24,000
It feels like my butthole's gonna rip
in half. Fan my face, not my pussy.

440
00:20:24,083 --> 00:20:26,458
Oh, sorry about that. Hey, Emmy?

441
00:20:26,541 --> 00:20:29,750
Uh, we could use
some love vibes up here, please.

442
00:20:29,833 --> 00:20:32,916
Oh, I-- I'm-- I'm okay back here.
I'm getting the gist.

443
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:36,583
Um, uh, uh, Becca?
Uh, don't forget to change positions.

444
00:20:36,666 --> 00:20:40,208
Pete, will you put away
your goddamn WebMD printouts?

445
00:20:40,291 --> 00:20:41,333
I'm trying to help!

446
00:20:41,416 --> 00:20:43,166
Can't believe you got the epidural.

447
00:20:43,250 --> 00:20:45,000
That's why it's taking twice as long.

448
00:20:45,083 --> 00:20:46,791
Look, that's not necessarily true.

449
00:20:46,875 --> 00:20:49,041
Now you won't be able
to feel anything when you push.

450
00:20:49,125 --> 00:20:50,166
That's how people rip.

451
00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:53,250
What if you tear front to back?
You'll just have one big hole!

452
00:20:53,333 --> 00:20:56,458
What? How's she gonna have sex
with a vagina-butthole combo?

453
00:20:56,541 --> 00:20:58,375
-Don't poop.
-[tense music plays]

454
00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:02,916
-Barry will leave you if you poop.
-If only a dump could get rid of that guy.

455
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:06,083
Becca, take deep breaths
and ignore all these morons.

456
00:21:06,166 --> 00:21:07,458
It'll all be over soon.

457
00:21:07,541 --> 00:21:10,375
I have never loved you more
than I do right now, Becs.

458
00:21:10,458 --> 00:21:13,958
Who cares, Barry?
Have this baby for me or shut the fuck up.

459
00:21:14,041 --> 00:21:16,375
-I know that's not about me.
-[both] It is about you!

460
00:21:16,458 --> 00:21:20,500
Emmy! Get in there. Everyone else
is doing their job, you need to do yours.

461
00:21:20,583 --> 00:21:23,291
Yeah, but I don't know how to do my job.

462
00:21:23,375 --> 00:21:27,208
The last time I tried, Becca's water broke
and it got all over my shoeless foot.

463
00:21:27,291 --> 00:21:30,375
Well, just calm her down.
Tell her the room is filled with love

464
00:21:30,458 --> 00:21:32,916
or whatever feel-good bullshit
you bugs come up with.

465
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,916
The baby's heart rate
has dropped dramatically.

466
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:36,625
-[monitor beeping]
-What? What do you mean?

467
00:21:36,708 --> 00:21:38,416
-Okay. Prep her.
-Talk to me, not each other.

468
00:21:38,500 --> 00:21:41,333
Becca, listen to me, okay?
It's time to start pushing.

469
00:21:41,416 --> 00:21:43,625
Now? No. I-- I'm only eight centimeters.

470
00:21:43,708 --> 00:21:44,958
[dramatically] Rip!

471
00:21:45,041 --> 00:21:47,500
Oh, shit. I see its head.

472
00:21:47,583 --> 00:21:49,958
-Is it possible your baby's a coconut?
-Emmy!

473
00:21:50,041 --> 00:21:51,333
Oh, God. I looked!

474
00:21:51,416 --> 00:21:52,708
[retches]

475
00:21:52,791 --> 00:21:55,625
[grunts] Ow, God damn it.

476
00:21:55,708 --> 00:21:58,541
I'm-- I'm sorry.
And I am actually sober now.

477
00:21:58,625 --> 00:22:00,458
Ugh. Pathetic.

478
00:22:01,041 --> 00:22:02,750
-[gasps]
-[all] Surprise!

479
00:22:02,833 --> 00:22:04,250
Happy birthday, Maury.

480
00:22:04,333 --> 00:22:06,458
You guys.

481
00:22:06,541 --> 00:22:08,916
-Oh, oh. [sniffling]
-[sentimental music plays]

482
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:11,125
Oh, and there's a slide show.

483
00:22:11,625 --> 00:22:15,250
Oh, yeah.
That's when we discovered jerking off…

484
00:22:15,333 --> 00:22:18,166
And fire. That was a pretty big day.

485
00:22:18,250 --> 00:22:23,041
Oh! The Kama Sutra.
Now that was a graphic novel.

486
00:22:23,125 --> 00:22:24,916
[chuckles] You guys get it.

487
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:28,583
Oh, Joe Walsh. Boy, we had fun
in Cleveland that night.

488
00:22:28,666 --> 00:22:29,583
Cute.

489
00:22:30,083 --> 00:22:31,541
Oh, Andrew what's-his-name?

490
00:22:32,458 --> 00:22:34,833
How did you get all these photos?

491
00:22:35,333 --> 00:22:36,791
[sniffling] Thank you, boys.

492
00:22:37,291 --> 00:22:40,041
What do you say
we all have a big group whack

493
00:22:40,125 --> 00:22:44,166
in honor of my 40 millionth birthday?

494
00:22:44,250 --> 00:22:46,250
-[penises chitter]
-Hey, hey, slow down, boys.

495
00:22:46,333 --> 00:22:48,041
The birthday boy cums first.

496
00:22:48,125 --> 00:22:50,166
-[groaning]
-Okay, Becca, you're doing great,

497
00:22:50,250 --> 00:22:51,666
but we need to keep pushing.

498
00:22:51,750 --> 00:22:54,291
-"We"? Go fuck yourself! [groans]
-[tense music plays]

499
00:22:54,375 --> 00:22:57,541
-Gonna have to push harder than that.
-I can't do it anymore.

500
00:22:57,625 --> 00:23:00,333
There is a logical reason
love needs to be here, Emmy.

501
00:23:00,416 --> 00:23:02,458
This woman is doing something very hard.

502
00:23:02,541 --> 00:23:04,583
And without love,
it's gonna be impossible.

503
00:23:04,666 --> 00:23:07,416
Okay, okay, fine. [breathes deeply]

504
00:23:07,500 --> 00:23:11,208
Come on, Becca.
This is it. You're gonna be a mom.

505
00:23:11,291 --> 00:23:13,125
No, I can't do this!

506
00:23:13,208 --> 00:23:17,250
I don't want to give up long baths
and laying in bed with my iPad.

507
00:23:17,333 --> 00:23:20,291
-Well, okay.
-[wails] I'm not ready to be a mom.

508
00:23:20,375 --> 00:23:23,083
-Maybe you'll never be ready.
-How the fuck is that helpful?

509
00:23:23,166 --> 00:23:25,083
-Well, some things are like that.
-[groans]

510
00:23:25,166 --> 00:23:27,000
It's gonna be scary and hard,

511
00:23:27,083 --> 00:23:29,333
and-- and sometimes
you're gonna lose a shoe.

512
00:23:29,416 --> 00:23:32,250
But you know what,
you put on your hash brown sock

513
00:23:32,333 --> 00:23:34,208
and, damn it, you do it anyway

514
00:23:34,291 --> 00:23:37,333
because you're you,
and you can fucking handle it.

515
00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:39,083
[grunts] Say more things!

516
00:23:39,166 --> 00:23:40,583
You-- You do kickboxing,

517
00:23:40,666 --> 00:23:42,791
and you seem to be awesome at your job,

518
00:23:42,875 --> 00:23:44,541
whatever the fuck that is.

519
00:23:44,625 --> 00:23:46,000
I'm a litigator!

520
00:23:46,083 --> 00:23:48,125
-See? That sounds really hard.
-[music swells]

521
00:23:48,208 --> 00:23:52,541
And-- And you're married to Barry,
which I certainly couldn't do that.

522
00:23:52,625 --> 00:23:55,500
-That seems bad.
-He's gonna be a good dad.

523
00:23:55,583 --> 00:23:58,041
The point is,
you'll never feel ready, Becca,

524
00:23:58,125 --> 00:24:02,541
and, it turns out,
all you can do is fucking try!

525
00:24:02,625 --> 00:24:03,875
Now, come on!

526
00:24:03,958 --> 00:24:07,875
[Becca screams]

527
00:24:07,958 --> 00:24:09,291
[music crescendos]

528
00:24:09,375 --> 00:24:10,375
[baby cries]

529
00:24:10,458 --> 00:24:12,666
-You did it, Mama!
-Took you long enough.

530
00:24:12,750 --> 00:24:14,666
-We're a family.
-Did I poop?

531
00:24:14,750 --> 00:24:15,958
Oh. Uh…

532
00:24:16,041 --> 00:24:18,375
Nope. No, that's…
Well, I'll tell you what.

533
00:24:18,458 --> 00:24:22,666
I don't know what that is,
but more stuff is still comin' out.

534
00:24:22,750 --> 00:24:24,708
Oof! You're gonna wanna
put some ice on that thing.

535
00:24:24,791 --> 00:24:25,833
[baby whimpers]

536
00:24:25,916 --> 00:24:29,000
-[buzzes] Its head isn't pointy!
-Yeah, it's more egg-shaped.

537
00:24:29,083 --> 00:24:30,666
It's great you barely got any medicine.

538
00:24:30,750 --> 00:24:32,958
You could probably tell people
you did this without drugs.

539
00:24:33,041 --> 00:24:34,750
Emmy, go. Your turn, go.

540
00:24:34,833 --> 00:24:37,083
-[breathes deeply]
-[sentimental music plays]

541
00:24:37,166 --> 00:24:39,125
Ew. That thing looks weird.

542
00:24:39,208 --> 00:24:41,416
-Yeah, it does.
-Ugh.

543
00:24:41,500 --> 00:24:43,250
Damn, it's like somebody put

544
00:24:43,333 --> 00:24:45,916
Mr. Potato Head parts
on, like, a little baseball.

545
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,541
-Emmy!
-What? It's true.

546
00:24:48,625 --> 00:24:50,458
Call that thing cute, you're a liar.

547
00:24:50,541 --> 00:24:51,666
["The Monster" plays]

548
00:24:51,750 --> 00:24:54,625
♪ I'm friends with the monster
That's under my bed ♪

549
00:24:54,708 --> 00:24:59,083
♪ Get along with the voices
Inside of my head ♪

550
00:24:59,166 --> 00:25:03,458
♪ You're trying to save me
Stop holdin' your breath ♪

551
00:25:03,541 --> 00:25:07,625
♪ And you think I'm crazy
Yeah, you think I'm crazy ♪

552
00:25:07,708 --> 00:25:09,875
♪ Well, that's not fair ♪

553
00:25:09,958 --> 00:25:16,333
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

554
00:25:16,416 --> 00:25:18,208
♪ Well, that's not fair ♪

555
00:25:18,750 --> 00:25:25,250
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

556
00:25:25,333 --> 00:25:27,333
♪ Well, that's not fair ♪

557
00:25:27,416 --> 00:25:34,166
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪