1
00:00:01,231 --> 00:00:04,651
[ Cellphone rings, vibrates ]
2
00:00:04,651 --> 00:00:06,027
Hello?
3
00:00:06,027 --> 00:00:07,904
Sharon: Rise and shine,
Clementine.
4
00:00:07,904 --> 00:00:10,156
It's the beginning of
your birthday week!
5
00:00:10,156 --> 00:00:12,325
Yeah, I know.
Who cares?
6
00:00:12,325 --> 00:00:13,826
It's just another week.
7
00:00:13,826 --> 00:00:16,120
This is the first year
since 9th grade
8
00:00:16,120 --> 00:00:18,748
that you and I haven't spent
my birthday together.
9
00:00:18,748 --> 00:00:20,750
That means
no birthday breakfast,
10
00:00:20,750 --> 00:00:22,585
no birthday
second breakfast,
11
00:00:22,585 --> 00:00:24,295
no birthday
"Humpty Dance."
12
00:00:24,295 --> 00:00:25,838
Think again.
[ Laughs ]
13
00:00:25,838 --> 00:00:27,674
Oh, my God!
Aah!
14
00:00:27,674 --> 00:00:29,842
Sharon,
what are you doing here?
15
00:00:29,842 --> 00:00:31,552
Did you come here
all by yourself?
16
00:00:31,552 --> 00:00:34,347
Well, I was partly involved.
Happy to do it.
17
00:00:34,347 --> 00:00:35,682
You know, someone had to
get her from the airport.
18
00:00:35,682 --> 00:00:37,141
Morning rush hour
on a Thursday,
19
00:00:37,141 --> 00:00:38,309
which a lot of people
don't realize
20
00:00:38,309 --> 00:00:40,645
is actually busier
than a Monday.
21
00:00:40,645 --> 00:00:42,438
I can't believe
you're in on this.
22
00:00:42,438 --> 00:00:44,524
Well, your kids wanted to help,
but they were busy, so...
23
00:00:44,524 --> 00:00:45,942
Oh, well.
24
00:00:45,942 --> 00:00:50,029
‐Sharon!
‐My babies! Oh! Mwah!
25
00:00:50,029 --> 00:00:51,531
What happened to
being busy?
26
00:00:51,531 --> 00:00:52,907
Oh, actually,
we lied about that.
27
00:00:52,907 --> 00:00:54,659
We just don't do airport runs.
[ Chuckles ]
28
00:00:54,659 --> 00:00:56,577
I mean, come on, Danny.
I don't have a man or a job.
29
00:00:56,577 --> 00:00:58,037
What was I doing?
[ Door closes ]
30
00:00:58,037 --> 00:01:00,832
This is the best gift
ever!
Aww.
31
00:01:00,832 --> 00:01:04,294
Danny, I don't know if you know
this about my Jean yet,
32
00:01:04,294 --> 00:01:06,796
but she loves
her birthday.
33
00:01:06,796 --> 00:01:09,716
Yeah. But you don't have to
get me anything.
34
00:01:09,716 --> 00:01:11,676
We're still in
the pre‐dating phase.
35
00:01:11,676 --> 00:01:13,177
Unless you want to
lower my rent.
36
00:01:13,177 --> 00:01:14,637
You actually haven't paid rent
this month.
37
00:01:14,637 --> 00:01:16,306
I'm going to
get that to you.
38
00:01:16,306 --> 00:01:17,515
Okay.
39
00:01:17,515 --> 00:01:20,435
Come on.
Let me show you the place.
Okay.
40
00:01:20,435 --> 00:01:22,186
By the way,
don't fall for that
41
00:01:22,186 --> 00:01:23,354
"You don't have to
get me anything."
42
00:01:23,354 --> 00:01:24,397
She says that
to everyone.
43
00:01:24,397 --> 00:01:25,523
You totally have to
get her something.
44
00:01:25,523 --> 00:01:27,150
Totally have to
get her something.
45
00:01:27,150 --> 00:01:29,694
Okay. Maybe I'll get her a card
and write inside,
46
00:01:29,694 --> 00:01:31,404
"Remember when your kids
tricked me into
47
00:01:31,404 --> 00:01:33,281
picking up your best friend
from the airport
48
00:01:33,281 --> 00:01:34,949
during rush hour
on a Thursday,
49
00:01:34,949 --> 00:01:36,618
which is actually busier
than a Monday?"
50
00:01:36,618 --> 00:01:39,787
You know I had to go inside?
It cost me $32 to park.
51
00:01:39,787 --> 00:01:41,414
I mean, that feels like
a gift to me.
52
00:01:41,414 --> 00:01:43,541
And they say romance
is dead in Australia.
53
00:01:43,541 --> 00:01:45,043
They do?
They will.
54
00:01:45,043 --> 00:01:50,715
♪♪
55
00:01:50,715 --> 00:01:51,716
♪♪
56
00:02:02,602 --> 00:02:05,355
I'm just so happy
to be together in person.
57
00:02:05,355 --> 00:02:06,981
I've missed
your lower half.
58
00:02:06,981 --> 00:02:09,150
Huh. Well,
you're not missing much.
59
00:02:09,150 --> 00:02:11,944
It's usually covered
in salsa and cat hair.
60
00:02:11,944 --> 00:02:13,988
I don't live
a very glamorous life.
61
00:02:13,988 --> 00:02:16,699
Then let's do
something glamorous.
62
00:02:16,699 --> 00:02:18,660
There's this spa
I've been meaning to try.
63
00:02:18,660 --> 00:02:20,286
I've had
a buy‐one‐get‐one,
64
00:02:20,286 --> 00:02:21,996
but I haven't had anyone
to get one.
65
00:02:21,996 --> 00:02:24,332
They've got
this special wrap
66
00:02:24,332 --> 00:02:26,209
that pulls all the toxins
out of you.
67
00:02:26,209 --> 00:02:29,295
Oh, I brought a double
cheeseburger on the airplane
68
00:02:29,295 --> 00:02:31,005
and washed it down with
four cans of wine
69
00:02:31,005 --> 00:02:32,590
to calm my flying nerves.
70
00:02:32,590 --> 00:02:35,802
Girl, I could use something
to pull the toxins out.
71
00:02:37,887 --> 00:02:40,139
Okay, everybody, listen up,
because this is important.
72
00:02:40,139 --> 00:02:41,641
It is my first time
hosting the family
73
00:02:41,641 --> 00:02:43,101
as an official fiancée
of Freddie's.
74
00:02:43,101 --> 00:02:45,395
A bad dinner party
can end an engagement,
75
00:02:45,395 --> 00:02:47,313
and I'm not letting that
happen again.
76
00:02:47,313 --> 00:02:48,981
Again?
77
00:02:48,981 --> 00:02:52,235
I mean, who knows how many
birthdays Jean has left?
78
00:02:52,235 --> 00:02:53,653
What?
79
00:02:53,653 --> 00:02:56,489
So, we will have
a selection of appetizers,
80
00:02:56,489 --> 00:02:57,657
and for the main course,
81
00:02:57,657 --> 00:02:59,659
I'll be cooking my Abuela's
Mojo Chicken.
82
00:02:59,659 --> 00:03:02,036
We always have it for special
occasions in my family.
83
00:03:02,036 --> 00:03:03,996
Mm. Sounds like
a lot of effort.
84
00:03:03,996 --> 00:03:05,915
Speaking of
not making an effort,
85
00:03:05,915 --> 00:03:08,501
let's talk about your outfit
for the evening, Jackie.
86
00:03:08,501 --> 00:03:09,961
Me?
87
00:03:09,961 --> 00:03:13,214
Oh, do you want me to pretend
like I'm talking to everyone?
88
00:03:13,214 --> 00:03:15,007
It's nothing personal,
Jackie.
89
00:03:15,007 --> 00:03:16,718
We just haven't developed
outfit trust,
90
00:03:16,718 --> 00:03:19,220
and this evening
has to be perfect.
91
00:03:19,220 --> 00:03:21,180
Don't worry about it being
perfect, Cel,
92
00:03:21,180 --> 00:03:23,182
'cause once my mom sees
the gift that I got her,
93
00:03:23,182 --> 00:03:24,851
heads will roll.
94
00:03:24,851 --> 00:03:27,979
I don't think that expression
means what you think it means.
95
00:03:27,979 --> 00:03:30,398
Okay, so what are we getting Mom
this year?
96
00:03:30,398 --> 00:03:31,774
We are getting her
nothing,
97
00:03:31,774 --> 00:03:33,484
'cause we are getting her
98
00:03:33,484 --> 00:03:36,446
a 75‐inch
quantum color flat screen TV
99
00:03:36,446 --> 00:03:38,906
with 8 million pixels
and a built‐in soundbar.
100
00:03:38,906 --> 00:03:42,201
Cool. So I'll just go in
on that with you.
101
00:03:42,201 --> 00:03:45,204
No, you won't.
It's from us.
102
00:03:45,204 --> 00:03:47,832
Fine. Whatever.
I don't need you.
103
00:03:47,832 --> 00:03:50,042
Lane and I will get her
something together.
104
00:03:50,042 --> 00:03:52,295
Well, I already have my gift
for Mother Raines.
105
00:03:52,295 --> 00:03:54,547
It's an original ballad
I'm composing for her.
106
00:03:54,547 --> 00:03:56,132
You can sing backup
if you want.
107
00:03:56,132 --> 00:03:57,675
I'll figure
something out.
108
00:03:57,675 --> 00:04:00,511
Come on!
The gift of song is priceless!
109
00:04:00,511 --> 00:04:02,638
And by "priceless,"
I mean free.
110
00:04:02,638 --> 00:04:04,390
Just get up and try it.
111
00:04:04,390 --> 00:04:06,392
Okay. You ready?
112
00:04:06,392 --> 00:04:09,854
[ High‐pitched ]
♪ Meet me here ♪
113
00:04:09,854 --> 00:04:13,483
[ Flatly ]
♪ I'm heeeeeeere ♪
114
00:04:13,483 --> 00:04:19,530
♪ I don't know where you are,
but you're not here ♪
115
00:04:19,530 --> 00:04:24,202
♪ Maybe you could meet me
over here ♪
116
00:04:24,202 --> 00:04:28,247
♪ Maybe not singing
is the gift ♪
117
00:04:28,247 --> 00:04:30,541
♪ I hate you all ♪
118
00:04:30,541 --> 00:04:33,377
♪♪
119
00:04:33,377 --> 00:04:34,754
Oh, Jean.
120
00:04:34,754 --> 00:04:37,173
That locker room
is great.
121
00:04:37,173 --> 00:04:39,926
It's got all kinds of free combs
and lotions and stuff.
122
00:04:39,926 --> 00:04:42,512
Look,
I loaded up my purse.
123
00:04:42,512 --> 00:04:43,679
Oh, hey.
124
00:04:43,679 --> 00:04:45,848
You're out of combs
and lotions and stuff.
125
00:04:47,809 --> 00:04:49,435
Alright, well, relax.
126
00:04:49,435 --> 00:04:50,645
Enjoy the amenities.
127
00:04:50,645 --> 00:04:52,104
I'll be back shortly
to escort you
128
00:04:52,104 --> 00:04:54,565
to the healing lounge for
your signature treatments.
129
00:04:54,565 --> 00:04:56,400
Oh, hey.
Um, excuse me, Melissa.
130
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,569
Are there any famous people
here today?
131
00:04:58,569 --> 00:05:01,197
I saw a naked lady,
looks like Drew Barrymore.
132
00:05:01,197 --> 00:05:03,825
It's not her.
I asked.
133
00:05:03,825 --> 00:05:04,992
Namaste.
134
00:05:06,494 --> 00:05:07,995
What's with her?
135
00:05:07,995 --> 00:05:09,705
We don't really
do that here.
136
00:05:09,705 --> 00:05:12,208
We like to treat celebrities
like regular people.
137
00:05:12,208 --> 00:05:14,210
Oh, "we" do?
138
00:05:14,210 --> 00:05:15,545
Okay, fancy.
139
00:05:15,545 --> 00:05:17,171
Oh, stop.
140
00:05:17,171 --> 00:05:19,799
But if you want to talk about
fancy, try this water.
141
00:05:19,799 --> 00:05:21,509
[ Gasps ]
142
00:05:23,177 --> 00:05:24,262
Oh, God.
143
00:05:24,262 --> 00:05:25,596
[ Gasps ]
144
00:05:25,596 --> 00:05:26,889
Ugh.
145
00:05:26,889 --> 00:05:29,350
I think they forgot to wash
the soap out of this.
146
00:05:29,350 --> 00:05:32,019
No, Sharon, it's infused.
147
00:05:32,019 --> 00:05:33,396
With nasty?
148
00:05:33,396 --> 00:05:34,564
[ Sighs ] Come on.
149
00:05:34,564 --> 00:05:37,400
We wanted to try something
glamorous for my birthday.
150
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:39,485
Can you get into
the spirit?
[ Sighs ]
151
00:05:39,485 --> 00:05:40,486
[ Ringtone plays
"The Humpty Dance" ]
152
00:05:40,486 --> 00:05:41,904
Ooh.
153
00:05:41,904 --> 00:05:45,783
♪ Come on, unh,
and do the Humpty Hump ♪
154
00:05:45,783 --> 00:05:47,368
♪ Sexy baby ♪
155
00:05:47,368 --> 00:05:48,452
♪ Do the Humpty Hump ♪
156
00:05:48,452 --> 00:05:50,705
Oh. I changed it
for your birthday.
157
00:05:50,705 --> 00:05:52,582
Sharon,
this is the Quiet Room.
158
00:05:52,582 --> 00:05:55,251
Oh, it's Ted Jr.
He's cat‐sitting for me.
159
00:05:55,251 --> 00:05:57,461
Tuna Fey has been backed up
all week.
160
00:05:57,461 --> 00:05:59,922
Hey, Ted Jr.
161
00:05:59,922 --> 00:06:01,716
Did she go in
the litter box yet?
162
00:06:01,716 --> 00:06:03,509
What do you mean,
you think it was a poop?
163
00:06:03,509 --> 00:06:05,469
[ Sighs ]
You got to break it up.
164
00:06:05,469 --> 00:06:06,929
With your hand, Ted!
165
00:06:06,929 --> 00:06:08,222
Oh, my God.
166
00:06:09,849 --> 00:06:12,184
Oh, hey. Is ‐‐ Is Jackie here?
I need her advice.
167
00:06:12,184 --> 00:06:14,061
What do you need help with?
Losing a man or losing a job?
168
00:06:14,061 --> 00:06:15,187
Wow.
169
00:06:15,187 --> 00:06:16,606
Sorry. She's not here.
I can get real.
170
00:06:16,606 --> 00:06:18,441
It's exhausting
being the supportive friend
171
00:06:18,441 --> 00:06:20,318
to such a train wreck.
Yeah, okay.
172
00:06:20,318 --> 00:06:22,236
Well, maybe you can help me,
uh, with Jean's gift.
173
00:06:22,236 --> 00:06:23,946
Just let me know
if you think it's okay.
174
00:06:23,946 --> 00:06:25,698
Uh, so, listen,
in my practice,
175
00:06:25,698 --> 00:06:27,658
I see a lot of, uh,
rocky relationships, okay?
176
00:06:27,658 --> 00:06:29,327
And the number‐one complaint
that women have
177
00:06:29,327 --> 00:06:30,536
is that men don't listen.
178
00:06:30,536 --> 00:06:32,747
So I wanted to
give Jean a gift
179
00:06:32,747 --> 00:06:34,665
that shows her
I'm listening.
180
00:06:37,126 --> 00:06:39,420
Have you lost your mind?
181
00:06:39,420 --> 00:06:41,422
But the gals at
the brassiere shop ‐‐
182
00:06:41,422 --> 00:06:43,299
Stop. I can't.
183
00:06:43,299 --> 00:06:44,425
Give me that.
I can't even look at it.
184
00:06:44,425 --> 00:06:46,177
I can't even look at you!
185
00:06:46,177 --> 00:06:50,014
Danny, husbands who have been
with their wives for 50 years
186
00:06:50,014 --> 00:06:54,644
don't get them
full‐coverage beige bras.
187
00:06:54,644 --> 00:06:57,355
But did I mention the gals
at the brassiere shop said
188
00:06:57,355 --> 00:07:00,941
it's so sturdy, it's the last
bra you'll ever need.
189
00:07:03,110 --> 00:07:04,528
Okay, I'll try again.
190
00:07:04,528 --> 00:07:06,447
♪♪
191
00:07:06,447 --> 00:07:09,325
[ Sighs ]
192
00:07:09,325 --> 00:07:10,576
Aren't you hot?
193
00:07:12,328 --> 00:07:13,579
I'm hot.
194
00:07:15,623 --> 00:07:17,375
But I think
the detox is working,
195
00:07:17,375 --> 00:07:20,461
'cause I can smell the hamburger
coming out of my pores.
196
00:07:21,420 --> 00:07:23,464
[ Sniffs ]
197
00:07:23,464 --> 00:07:25,508
And chicken nuggets.
198
00:07:25,508 --> 00:07:27,551
Which is weird, 'cause
I didn't have any nuggets.
199
00:07:27,551 --> 00:07:29,261
[ Sighs ]
200
00:07:29,261 --> 00:07:31,972
Sharon, you have to
stop talking.
201
00:07:31,972 --> 00:07:34,141
We can all smell it.
202
00:07:34,141 --> 00:07:36,977
♪♪
203
00:07:36,977 --> 00:07:38,187
[ Ringtone plays
"The Humpty Dance" ]
204
00:07:38,187 --> 00:07:40,106
Sharon,
turn off your phone!
205
00:07:40,106 --> 00:07:41,315
♪ Come on, unh... ♪
206
00:07:41,315 --> 00:07:43,484
Maybe your phone wouldn't be
so hard to find
207
00:07:43,484 --> 00:07:47,113
if you didn't steal so many
combs and lotions and stuff.
208
00:07:47,113 --> 00:07:50,032
Sorry!
She's from Iowa!
209
00:07:50,032 --> 00:07:51,367
[ Ringtone stops ]
Excuse me?
210
00:07:51,367 --> 00:07:52,868
You don't have to
apologize for me.
211
00:07:52,868 --> 00:07:54,245
Well, I think I do.
212
00:07:54,245 --> 00:07:55,871
I'm sorry, Sharon,
but you're acting like
213
00:07:55,871 --> 00:07:57,415
you've never been out
in public before.
214
00:07:57,415 --> 00:08:00,376
Be careful.
I'm not that tightly wrapped.
215
00:08:00,376 --> 00:08:01,711
What's going on with you?
216
00:08:01,711 --> 00:08:04,171
Me?
What's going on with you?
217
00:08:04,171 --> 00:08:05,673
You used to be fun.
218
00:08:05,673 --> 00:08:07,675
Now you go to snooty spas
and care more
219
00:08:07,675 --> 00:08:10,052
about what other people think
than your friend.
220
00:08:10,052 --> 00:08:11,470
I think L. A.
has changed you.
221
00:08:11,470 --> 00:08:13,055
So what?
222
00:08:13,055 --> 00:08:14,515
I'm trying new things.
223
00:08:14,515 --> 00:08:16,350
There's nothing wrong with
being a little more ‐‐
224
00:08:16,350 --> 00:08:17,935
What?
Sophisticated.
225
00:08:17,935 --> 00:08:20,062
Are you calling me
a hick?
226
00:08:20,062 --> 00:08:22,314
I'm too sophisticated
to call people names,
227
00:08:22,314 --> 00:08:24,400
but I'm not the one
sweating nuggets.
228
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,652
No, you're the one
paying people good money
229
00:08:26,652 --> 00:08:28,779
to wrap you
like a dirt burrito.
230
00:08:28,779 --> 00:08:31,157
Oh!
This place is stupid.
231
00:08:31,157 --> 00:08:34,034
I get it, Sharon.
You hate it here.
232
00:08:34,034 --> 00:08:36,328
I get it.
You love it here.
233
00:08:36,328 --> 00:08:38,038
Why did you even come?
234
00:08:38,038 --> 00:08:39,790
I was wondering
the same thing.
235
00:08:39,790 --> 00:08:41,500
Well,
go home if you want to.
236
00:08:41,500 --> 00:08:44,003
I would, but I don't want to
do that to the kids.
237
00:08:44,003 --> 00:08:46,380
They've worked really hard
on your party,
238
00:08:46,380 --> 00:08:48,340
and Celia's already
approved my outfit.
239
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:51,052
Okay.
240
00:08:51,052 --> 00:08:53,179
Well, I can certainly fake nice
for one evening.
241
00:08:53,179 --> 00:08:54,180
One evening?
242
00:08:54,180 --> 00:08:56,807
You've been faking nice
for 65 years.
243
00:08:56,807 --> 00:08:58,267
That's it!
244
00:08:58,267 --> 00:09:00,102
I'll see you in the car!
245
00:09:00,102 --> 00:09:01,479
Oh.
246
00:09:04,231 --> 00:09:06,567
[ Grunting ]
247
00:09:10,946 --> 00:09:12,281
Oh, I hate L. A.!
248
00:09:12,281 --> 00:09:13,365
[ Grunts ]
249
00:09:19,955 --> 00:09:21,957
[ Grunting ]
250
00:09:21,957 --> 00:09:23,793
Hey, Cel?
251
00:09:23,793 --> 00:09:25,002
Can you help me in here?
252
00:09:25,002 --> 00:09:26,128
This present is so big.
253
00:09:26,128 --> 00:09:27,838
It's like trying
to wrap a whale.
254
00:09:27,838 --> 00:09:29,507
A very expensive whale
255
00:09:29,507 --> 00:09:31,967
that'll make my mom love me
more than my sister.
256
00:09:31,967 --> 00:09:33,677
Freddie, we are four hours
from go time,
257
00:09:33,677 --> 00:09:34,845
and I know that's not
what you're wearing,
258
00:09:34,845 --> 00:09:36,514
because your clothes
are laid out on the bed.
259
00:09:36,514 --> 00:09:39,016
I'm gonna have to wear a belt,
aren't I?
260
00:09:39,016 --> 00:09:41,727
I ‐‐ [ Scoffs ]
I'm sorry.
261
00:09:41,727 --> 00:09:44,980
Do you have any idea how hard
I've been working on this party?
262
00:09:44,980 --> 00:09:47,274
¿Y tu te estás quejando?
263
00:09:47,274 --> 00:09:48,567
Después que yo me mato
en la cocina,
264
00:09:48,567 --> 00:09:49,610
recogiendo tu reguero
en esta casa.
265
00:09:49,610 --> 00:09:51,695
Hey, guys.
266
00:09:51,695 --> 00:09:53,197
Oh, did you want to
finish yelling at him?
267
00:09:53,197 --> 00:09:54,323
I can totally wait.
268
00:09:54,323 --> 00:09:56,575
Ni te levantas
un dedo pa ayudarme.
269
00:09:56,575 --> 00:09:58,536
Niño malcriado.
270
00:09:58,536 --> 00:09:59,662
Hey, Jackie.
271
00:09:59,662 --> 00:10:01,497
Hey.
272
00:10:01,497 --> 00:10:05,501
Okay, guys, check out
what I made for Mom.
273
00:10:05,501 --> 00:10:07,086
[ Exhales sharply ]
274
00:10:07,086 --> 00:10:08,754
It is a garden stone,
275
00:10:08,754 --> 00:10:11,340
like the one Freddie and I had
at the house back in Waterloo
276
00:10:11,340 --> 00:10:13,509
with impressions of our feet
when we were little.
277
00:10:13,509 --> 00:10:16,679
Holy cow.
What size are your feet?
278
00:10:17,888 --> 00:10:20,015
9 1/2 and a 10.
279
00:10:21,350 --> 00:10:24,019
Wow,
that's a lot of cement.
280
00:10:24,019 --> 00:10:26,230
What's going on
with that one toe?
281
00:10:26,230 --> 00:10:28,065
Oh, I inherited Mom's
Morton Toe.
282
00:10:28,065 --> 00:10:29,108
It's our bond.
283
00:10:30,317 --> 00:10:32,319
It's not for you.
284
00:10:34,655 --> 00:10:39,535
So anyways, now that we both
have these great gifts,
285
00:10:39,535 --> 00:10:42,371
I was thinking maybe you could
put my name on the TV,
286
00:10:42,371 --> 00:10:43,873
I'll put your name
on the garden stone,
287
00:10:43,873 --> 00:10:45,791
and we can give Mom
both of them together.
288
00:10:45,791 --> 00:10:47,668
Win‐win.
No, no.
289
00:10:47,668 --> 00:10:48,961
Come on, Freddie!
290
00:10:48,961 --> 00:10:50,629
Ah, I'm sorry, sister.
Nope.
291
00:10:50,629 --> 00:10:52,882
This TV is from Celia and I.
Done and done.
292
00:10:52,882 --> 00:10:56,177
You're just gonna have to stand
on your own two massive feet.
293
00:10:56,177 --> 00:10:59,054
Oh, like how you stood on
your own two feet
294
00:10:59,054 --> 00:11:01,348
when you were still
breastfeeding?
295
00:11:01,348 --> 00:11:02,850
The pediatrician said
296
00:11:02,850 --> 00:11:04,351
children wean themselves
when they're ready.
297
00:11:04,351 --> 00:11:06,145
Well, let me know
when you are.
298
00:11:06,145 --> 00:11:08,856
Bye, Celia.
299
00:11:12,193 --> 00:11:13,402
[ Door closes ]
300
00:11:13,402 --> 00:11:14,778
Why don't you just
put her name on the TV
301
00:11:14,778 --> 00:11:16,155
and say it's from
all of us?
302
00:11:16,155 --> 00:11:19,158
Because every gift that Jackie
has ever gotten my mom
303
00:11:19,158 --> 00:11:20,701
has been
the best gift ever.
304
00:11:20,701 --> 00:11:22,328
Last year, it was
a smart picture frame
305
00:11:22,328 --> 00:11:23,537
loaded with
our baby pictures
306
00:11:23,537 --> 00:11:25,581
that played on a loop to
the complete Bee Gees anthology,
307
00:11:25,581 --> 00:11:27,291
and Mom still brings it up
out of nowhere.
308
00:11:27,291 --> 00:11:28,626
[ Sighs ]
309
00:11:28,626 --> 00:11:31,712
This year, it's my turn
to win the Birthday War.
310
00:11:31,712 --> 00:11:33,005
War? Really?
311
00:11:33,005 --> 00:11:34,673
This is a war to you?
Oh, yeah.
312
00:11:34,673 --> 00:11:36,717
Everything with Jackie
is a competition.
313
00:11:36,717 --> 00:11:38,802
I just decided
to win it this year.
314
00:11:38,802 --> 00:11:42,014
♪♪
315
00:11:42,014 --> 00:11:43,057
I have no gift.
316
00:11:43,057 --> 00:11:44,183
Okay, no knock?
317
00:11:44,183 --> 00:11:45,684
We do not have
that kind of relationship.
318
00:11:45,684 --> 00:11:47,436
I have been
all over the city.
319
00:11:47,436 --> 00:11:49,021
I‐I don't know
what to get her.
320
00:11:49,021 --> 00:11:51,982
Honestly, I cannot think of
anything better than the bra.
321
00:11:51,982 --> 00:11:53,943
What if I got her something
with the bra?
322
00:11:53,943 --> 00:11:55,319
Like panties.
323
00:11:55,319 --> 00:11:57,029
Did you just say "panties"
in my apartment?
324
00:11:57,029 --> 00:11:59,531
Danny, I'm trying to
write a song.
325
00:11:59,531 --> 00:12:01,200
I don't know Jean at all.
326
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:03,160
I mean, the most detailed thing
I know about her
327
00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:04,787
is her water usage,
328
00:12:04,787 --> 00:12:06,247
which is surprisingly high,
by the way.
329
00:12:06,247 --> 00:12:07,915
Actually,
is there something in that?
330
00:12:07,915 --> 00:12:09,959
Should I get her
a flow regulator?
331
00:12:09,959 --> 00:12:15,256
Yeah, just get her panties
and a flow regulator.
332
00:12:15,256 --> 00:12:16,882
Usually when
I buy someone a gift,
333
00:12:16,882 --> 00:12:19,009
I know what I am to that person,
you know?
334
00:12:19,009 --> 00:12:20,803
But we're in this
in‐between stage.
335
00:12:20,803 --> 00:12:23,097
We never got to do that phase at
the beginning of a relationship
336
00:12:23,097 --> 00:12:24,640
where you stay up all night
talking,
337
00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:26,267
learning about
what makes good gifts.
338
00:12:26,267 --> 00:12:28,394
Then get her something
to show her
339
00:12:28,394 --> 00:12:30,813
how excited you are
to get to know her.
Mm‐hmm.
340
00:12:30,813 --> 00:12:32,898
And you should be excited.
She's a dream.
341
00:12:32,898 --> 00:12:36,068
Dream, dream ‐‐
dream Jean.
342
00:12:36,068 --> 00:12:38,570
♪ Dream Jean ♪
343
00:12:38,570 --> 00:12:40,614
♪ Too good for
a flow regulator ♪
344
00:12:40,614 --> 00:12:42,408
Okay, it's coming to me.
It's coming to me.
345
00:12:42,408 --> 00:12:44,785
I need to create,
and you need to get out.
346
00:12:44,785 --> 00:12:48,414
♪♪
347
00:12:48,414 --> 00:12:49,665
Why do I smell burgers?
348
00:12:49,665 --> 00:12:51,125
Did you guys eat
before you came?
349
00:12:51,125 --> 00:12:52,918
I don't want to
talk about it.
350
00:12:52,918 --> 00:12:54,336
And nobody wants to
hear about it.
351
00:12:55,587 --> 00:12:57,506
Wait.
Do I sense tension?
352
00:12:57,506 --> 00:12:59,675
There is no room at the table
for tension.
353
00:12:59,675 --> 00:13:01,760
Tension at a dinner party
can end a marriage,
354
00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:03,512
and I'm not letting that
happen again.
355
00:13:03,512 --> 00:13:04,555
Again?
356
00:13:04,555 --> 00:13:05,848
Wait, I did not approve
that scarf.
357
00:13:05,848 --> 00:13:06,849
Take it off.
Oh.
358
00:13:06,849 --> 00:13:08,767
Happy birthday!
359
00:13:08,767 --> 00:13:10,561
Oh.
360
00:13:10,561 --> 00:13:12,896
Everything looks beautiful,
Celia.
361
00:13:12,896 --> 00:13:13,897
I know.
362
00:13:13,897 --> 00:13:15,482
[ Doorbell rings ]
363
00:13:15,482 --> 00:13:16,525
Freddie, get that.
364
00:13:16,525 --> 00:13:17,860
Okay.
365
00:13:19,778 --> 00:13:22,197
Okay. I give up.
My garden stone was scary.
366
00:13:22,197 --> 00:13:23,907
I'm giving her a card.
You win.
367
00:13:23,907 --> 00:13:26,285
Oh, it's not a contest.
368
00:13:26,285 --> 00:13:27,786
Happy birthday,
Mom!
Oh.
369
00:13:27,786 --> 00:13:29,121
Happy birthday,
Mom.
370
00:13:29,121 --> 00:13:30,789
Oh!
371
00:13:30,789 --> 00:13:32,124
I have to go
check on the chicken.
372
00:13:32,124 --> 00:13:34,501
Why doesn't somebody get
a party game started?
373
00:13:34,501 --> 00:13:36,628
Ooh, I love party games.
I'll go first.
374
00:13:36,628 --> 00:13:38,505
Kiss‐Marry‐Kill.
375
00:13:38,505 --> 00:13:40,049
I kill Jean.
376
00:13:40,049 --> 00:13:42,176
You have to wait till
I give you your options fist.
377
00:13:42,176 --> 00:13:44,678
Nothing you say is going to
change my mind.
378
00:13:44,678 --> 00:13:47,139
♪♪
379
00:13:47,139 --> 00:13:49,683
Okay, so if I'm marrying
"Clueless" Paul Rudd,
380
00:13:49,683 --> 00:13:51,643
I guess I've got to kill
"Ant‐Man" Paul Rudd,
381
00:13:51,643 --> 00:13:52,686
which is not
gonna be easy,
382
00:13:52,686 --> 00:13:55,439
but I'll be free to kiss
real Paul Rudd.
383
00:13:55,439 --> 00:13:57,483
No! Oh, I forgot
"This is 40" Paul Rudd.
384
00:13:57,483 --> 00:13:59,109
Can I go again?
No.
385
00:13:59,109 --> 00:14:00,861
We get it.
You like Paul Rudd.
386
00:14:00,861 --> 00:14:02,488
Yeah.
387
00:14:02,488 --> 00:14:04,531
So, tell me about
high school Jean.
388
00:14:04,531 --> 00:14:05,699
How was she?
Was she popular?
389
00:14:05,699 --> 00:14:07,201
I'll bet she was popular.
390
00:14:07,201 --> 00:14:09,495
No, she was a big, ol' nerd.
[ Laughs ]
391
00:14:09,495 --> 00:14:11,121
But I let her
hang out with me.
392
00:14:11,121 --> 00:14:12,539
But the turning point
came for her
393
00:14:12,539 --> 00:14:15,667
when I managed her 9th grade
student council campaign
394
00:14:15,667 --> 00:14:16,919
for vice president,
395
00:14:16,919 --> 00:14:18,587
and I came up with
the winning slogan ‐‐
396
00:14:18,587 --> 00:14:21,423
"Jean Will Get
the Job Done."
Mm.
397
00:14:21,423 --> 00:14:24,009
And then some kid wrote "hand"
in front of "job."
398
00:14:24,009 --> 00:14:25,469
[ Laughter ]
399
00:14:25,469 --> 00:14:26,845
Not some kid.
400
00:14:26,845 --> 00:14:28,097
That was you?
401
00:14:28,097 --> 00:14:30,224
Yep.
You won in a landslide.
402
00:14:30,224 --> 00:14:31,850
I made you.
403
00:14:31,850 --> 00:14:33,227
The boys
from the Chess Club
404
00:14:33,227 --> 00:14:35,354
followed me around
like it was a conga line.
405
00:14:36,730 --> 00:14:38,315
I kill Sharon.
406
00:14:38,315 --> 00:14:40,109
Excuse me, everybody.
407
00:14:40,109 --> 00:14:41,485
Sorry for the delay.
408
00:14:41,485 --> 00:14:43,237
My Abuela told me
that God would tell her
409
00:14:43,237 --> 00:14:44,488
when the chicken was ready,
410
00:14:44,488 --> 00:14:46,824
and God seems to be
taking her sweet time,
411
00:14:46,824 --> 00:14:49,451
so why don't we just start with
gifts while we wait?
412
00:14:49,451 --> 00:14:51,912
Okay, I'll go first.
I'll get this out of the way.
413
00:14:51,912 --> 00:14:54,748
So, now, it wasn't easy
to come up with something
414
00:14:54,748 --> 00:14:58,335
that struck a balance between
friendship and intimacy.
415
00:14:58,335 --> 00:15:01,213
[ Groans ]
416
00:15:01,213 --> 00:15:02,548
Wow.
417
00:15:02,548 --> 00:15:05,801
It's a flowerpot
filled with dirt.
418
00:15:05,801 --> 00:15:07,803
I love it.
419
00:15:07,803 --> 00:15:09,263
What did you do?
420
00:15:09,263 --> 00:15:11,348
You also have
a bra coming.
421
00:15:11,348 --> 00:15:12,391
Oh, great.
422
00:15:12,391 --> 00:15:14,143
Because, boy,
could I use a bra.
423
00:15:14,143 --> 00:15:15,519
Uh, no, no.
424
00:15:15,519 --> 00:15:17,271
There's actually a bulb
planted in there,
425
00:15:17,271 --> 00:15:18,522
and it's gonna bloom
in about two months,
426
00:15:18,522 --> 00:15:20,274
and I thought because were gonna
take our relationship
427
00:15:20,274 --> 00:15:22,651
to the next level
in about that same time,
428
00:15:22,651 --> 00:15:25,654
our relationship and the flower
will bloom
429
00:15:25,654 --> 00:15:27,156
at the same time.
At the same time!
430
00:15:27,156 --> 00:15:28,824
Aww! It's perfect!
431
00:15:28,824 --> 00:15:31,326
Danny, you did it.
[ Laughs ]
432
00:15:31,326 --> 00:15:32,369
I love it.
Ohh.
433
00:15:32,369 --> 00:15:35,289
She loves it!
434
00:15:35,289 --> 00:15:36,540
Yeah,
she says she loves it,
435
00:15:36,540 --> 00:15:37,958
but wait until
it takes a call
436
00:15:37,958 --> 00:15:40,836
about a constipated cat
in the Quiet Room.
437
00:15:40,836 --> 00:15:42,337
I thought I killed you.
438
00:15:42,337 --> 00:15:44,506
Okay.
Here's a little nibble.
439
00:15:44,506 --> 00:15:47,009
Just to tide you over.
Okay.
440
00:15:49,303 --> 00:15:51,430
Okay, who's next?
How about Jackie goes?
441
00:15:51,430 --> 00:15:52,973
Okay.
442
00:15:52,973 --> 00:15:55,517
Mom, um,
I didn't get you a gift,
443
00:15:55,517 --> 00:15:57,436
but I wrote you a card.
444
00:15:57,436 --> 00:15:59,479
This is gonna be
so bad.
445
00:15:59,479 --> 00:16:03,483
"Mom, as you know,
it's been a tough year for me,
446
00:16:03,483 --> 00:16:06,153
so I didn't have a lot to spend
on your birthday gift.
447
00:16:06,153 --> 00:16:07,696
Two relationships have ended,
448
00:16:07,696 --> 00:16:09,740
I quit my job,
so I have no money."
449
00:16:09,740 --> 00:16:10,991
At least
she's not singing it.
450
00:16:10,991 --> 00:16:14,203
Okay, it's a small room.
I can hear you.
451
00:16:14,203 --> 00:16:16,121
"You moved halfway across
the country to make sure
452
00:16:16,121 --> 00:16:19,124
Freddie and I were safe
and healthy and happy,
453
00:16:19,124 --> 00:16:21,543
and at first, I wasn't sure
how I felt about that.
454
00:16:21,543 --> 00:16:24,504
But in this time when I could
have felt really alone,
455
00:16:24,504 --> 00:16:27,549
I haven't,
because you've been with me.
456
00:16:27,549 --> 00:16:29,092
I may not be able
to get you a gift,
457
00:16:29,092 --> 00:16:31,553
but our time together
has been a gift to me.
458
00:16:31,553 --> 00:16:33,013
Please don't ever leave.
459
00:16:33,013 --> 00:16:35,307
Happy birthday.
I love you."
460
00:16:36,516 --> 00:16:38,518
That worked?
I got to get my gift!
461
00:16:38,518 --> 00:16:40,771
It's just beautiful,
sweetie.
462
00:16:40,771 --> 00:16:42,481
The perfect gift.
463
00:16:42,481 --> 00:16:45,317
[ Sobbing ]
464
00:16:45,317 --> 00:16:47,653
Jean: Are you crying?
465
00:16:47,653 --> 00:16:50,989
Excuse me.
[ Crying ]
466
00:16:50,989 --> 00:16:52,199
Hey, Mom.
467
00:16:52,199 --> 00:16:54,368
Look.
I got you a 75‐inch TV.
468
00:16:54,368 --> 00:16:55,869
It's got
8 million pixels.
469
00:16:55,869 --> 00:16:57,788
Oh, a TV.
Thanks, honey.
470
00:16:57,788 --> 00:16:59,039
Yeah.
I'll be right back.
471
00:16:59,039 --> 00:17:00,999
Mom, no!
It's got 8 million pixels!
472
00:17:00,999 --> 00:17:03,293
Mom!
473
00:17:03,293 --> 00:17:04,336
[ Sighs ]
474
00:17:06,546 --> 00:17:07,923
Any chance that card
came from both of us?
475
00:17:07,923 --> 00:17:10,717
Oh, no.
476
00:17:10,717 --> 00:17:12,302
[ Sniffling ]
477
00:17:12,302 --> 00:17:14,304
Are you okay?
478
00:17:14,304 --> 00:17:17,015
I'm fine.
Get back to your party.
479
00:17:17,015 --> 00:17:19,226
Oh, come on.
You never cry.
480
00:17:19,226 --> 00:17:20,602
Like, never.
481
00:17:20,602 --> 00:17:23,230
I mean, it's weird to go
to funerals with you.
482
00:17:23,230 --> 00:17:24,481
What's happening?
483
00:17:24,481 --> 00:17:27,192
Nothing's happening.
I'm fine.
484
00:17:27,192 --> 00:17:29,653
You haven't been fine
since you got here.
485
00:17:29,653 --> 00:17:32,489
It's like you've been trying
to ruin things.
486
00:17:32,489 --> 00:17:34,491
Why?
487
00:17:34,491 --> 00:17:36,702
Because I'm mad at you.
488
00:17:36,702 --> 00:17:38,453
Why are you mad at me?
489
00:17:40,038 --> 00:17:43,333
Because you're never
coming back.
490
00:17:43,333 --> 00:17:44,835
I've been
holding out hope
491
00:17:44,835 --> 00:17:47,546
that your kids were going to
get sick of you,
492
00:17:47,546 --> 00:17:51,174
because you can be
a lot.
493
00:17:51,174 --> 00:17:56,638
But when Jackie read
that stupid, beautiful card,
494
00:17:56,638 --> 00:17:58,223
I realized
I've really lost you.
495
00:17:58,223 --> 00:17:59,516
Oh.
496
00:17:59,516 --> 00:18:01,143
Don't be dumb, Sharon.
497
00:18:01,143 --> 00:18:03,270
You haven't lost me.
498
00:18:03,270 --> 00:18:07,858
Jean, your kids want you here
all the time.
499
00:18:07,858 --> 00:18:09,985
Forever.
500
00:18:09,985 --> 00:18:13,071
You're building
a life here.
501
00:18:13,071 --> 00:18:16,450
You got a pre‐boyfriend
and a pre‐daughter‐in‐law.
502
00:18:16,450 --> 00:18:18,827
And we have 40 years
of Humpty dances
503
00:18:18,827 --> 00:18:21,788
and double dates
and can't‐get‐dates
504
00:18:21,788 --> 00:18:24,124
and you pretending
to be my wife
505
00:18:24,124 --> 00:18:26,918
so you could be in the delivery
room when I had Jackie.
506
00:18:28,629 --> 00:18:30,672
But what if
we drift apart?
507
00:18:30,672 --> 00:18:33,008
That can't happen.
508
00:18:33,008 --> 00:18:36,011
You were by my side
when I met, married,
509
00:18:36,011 --> 00:18:38,347
then buried my husband.
510
00:18:38,347 --> 00:18:40,349
It was
a hell of a night.
511
00:18:40,349 --> 00:18:42,934
[ Both chuckle ]
512
00:18:42,934 --> 00:18:44,269
I'm sorry, I had to.
513
00:18:44,269 --> 00:18:47,314
Otherwise I was gonna
start crying again.
514
00:18:47,314 --> 00:18:49,358
You're my best friend.
515
00:18:49,358 --> 00:18:51,026
I'm nothing without you.
516
00:18:51,026 --> 00:18:53,695
You made me.
517
00:18:53,695 --> 00:18:55,822
I did. [ Laughs ]
518
00:18:58,116 --> 00:18:59,826
Mother Raines?
Yeah.
519
00:18:59,826 --> 00:19:01,495
Are you ready for
my birthday present?
520
00:19:01,495 --> 00:19:02,663
Mm. [ Sniffles ]
521
00:19:05,874 --> 00:19:07,334
I'm glad you're here.
522
00:19:07,334 --> 00:19:09,336
Me too.
523
00:19:09,336 --> 00:19:11,254
♪♪
524
00:19:11,254 --> 00:19:13,298
Mother Raines,
for your birthday,
525
00:19:13,298 --> 00:19:15,008
I wanted to do
something special.
526
00:19:15,008 --> 00:19:18,345
I wrote you a song to try to
capture how much you mean to me.
527
00:19:18,345 --> 00:19:21,807
It's a song about family,
love, friendship,
528
00:19:21,807 --> 00:19:23,058
peace on Earth
for a little bit,
529
00:19:23,058 --> 00:19:25,018
but then
I took that part out.
530
00:19:25,018 --> 00:19:27,729
It's off my new album,
"Life in the Lane Lane."
531
00:19:27,729 --> 00:19:29,731
[ Instrumental R&B music plays ]
532
00:19:29,731 --> 00:19:34,736
♪ You know what they say
about love in groups ♪
533
00:19:34,736 --> 00:19:40,283
♪ It's the family you have
and the one you choose ♪
534
00:19:40,283 --> 00:19:44,788
♪ Got a daughter and a son,
but I'm yours, too ♪
535
00:19:44,788 --> 00:19:48,583
♪ Oh, so many people
behind you ♪
536
00:19:48,583 --> 00:19:51,795
♪ That you've been
giving your time to ♪
537
00:19:51,795 --> 00:19:55,006
♪ Let me do something
for you ♪
538
00:19:55,006 --> 00:19:57,008
♪ For once ♪
539
00:19:57,008 --> 00:20:00,470
♪ Let me do something
for you ♪
540
00:20:00,470 --> 00:20:01,930
♪ Yeah ♪
541
00:20:01,930 --> 00:20:06,143
♪ Not just words,
there's so much you deserve ♪
542
00:20:06,143 --> 00:20:07,853
♪ Just sit there ♪
543
00:20:07,853 --> 00:20:10,605
♪ Let me do something
for you ♪
544
00:20:10,605 --> 00:20:13,316
♪ It's your day ♪
545
00:20:13,316 --> 00:20:14,484
[ Music ends ]
546
00:20:14,484 --> 00:20:17,237
Yes!
547
00:20:17,237 --> 00:20:21,241
That's the best birthday present
I've ever gotten.
548
00:20:21,241 --> 00:20:23,118
[ Chuckles ]
I know.
549
00:20:24,995 --> 00:20:27,164
The bastard smoked us.
550
00:20:27,164 --> 00:20:29,708
At least I didn't spend
any money.
551
00:20:29,708 --> 00:20:33,003
The side dishes
are served.
552
00:20:33,003 --> 00:20:36,047
♪♪
553
00:20:38,759 --> 00:20:41,011
Customer service.
554
00:20:41,011 --> 00:20:43,180
Customer service.
555
00:20:43,180 --> 00:20:45,348
Representative.
556
00:20:45,348 --> 00:20:47,350
Representative!
557
00:20:47,350 --> 00:20:49,895
Help! Help!
558
00:20:49,895 --> 00:20:50,979
What are you doing?
559
00:20:50,979 --> 00:20:53,106
[ Scoffs ]
Changing my flight.
560
00:20:53,106 --> 00:20:55,150
You're not the only one
with a birthday, you know.
561
00:20:55,150 --> 00:20:56,985
I thought I'd stick around
till mine.
562
00:20:56,985 --> 00:20:59,571
Let you take me to
"The Price is Right."
563
00:20:59,571 --> 00:21:01,114
But your birthday's
not for a month.
564
00:21:01,114 --> 00:21:03,658
Oh, okay,
if you don't want me...
565
00:21:03,658 --> 00:21:06,077
Really?
A whole month?
566
00:21:06,077 --> 00:21:07,537
I want you!
567
00:21:07,537 --> 00:21:09,790
Ohh!
568
00:21:09,790 --> 00:21:11,750
Okay,
only one month,
569
00:21:11,750 --> 00:21:13,502
then I got to get back
to Tuna Fey.
570
00:21:13,502 --> 00:21:16,004
But I think my birthday month
starts now.
571
00:21:16,004 --> 00:21:17,923
[ "The Humpty Dance" plays ]
572
00:21:17,923 --> 00:21:19,257
♪ My name is Humpty ♪
573
00:21:19,257 --> 00:21:21,009
♪ Pronounced with a "umpty" ♪
574
00:21:21,009 --> 00:21:23,386
♪ Yo, ladies, oh, how I like
to funk thee... ♪