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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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{\an8}[audience cheering and applauding]
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[Bert] When I was 22, I got involved
with the Russian mafia.
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Here's how it happened.
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[audience cheering]
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I went to school at Florida State.
I was not a very good student.
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This is how bad I was.
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I signed up for a Russian class one time,
thinking it was Spanish.
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And it took me three classes
before I realized,
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-"I don't think this is Spanish."
- [audience laughs]
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So I took Russian 1, 2, 3, and 4,
never learned a fucking word.
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MOSCOW
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The end of Russian 4,
same teacher pulls me aside.
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She's like,
"Yo, we're taking a trip to Russia.
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If you go, you'll get a minor."
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I was like,
"Strasvutsia, bitches, I'm back!"
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[audience laughs]
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We went to Russia.
The Russian mob ran everything.
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{\an8}And they told us that our first night.
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{\an8}I'm in the back of the class like,
"This trip just got fucking awesome."
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VOLGOVITCH CASINO
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Then, like, in exchange for our money,
they gave us two young gangsters.
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The word for that
in Russian is "banditti."
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[continues on TV]
So I ended up befriending the banditti.
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[ominous music playing]
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Then, one night, the whole class is taking
an overnight train trip to Moscow.
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We roll to the bar car
like a big dick in a locker room.
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Just, not that I've ever been that guy,
but I've seen it.
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So the banditti says to me,
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"Don't worry. When it gets dark,
we have good time."
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I'm like,
"What are we doing when it gets dark?"
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Reaches into his pocket,
pulls a ring of keys out.
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He goes,
"We're robbing the whole fucking train."
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Now...
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I'm a good per-- I'm an okay person.
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[audience laughs]
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My point is, we fucking robbed them.
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[music intensifies]
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We robbed the whole train,
and then we drank hard as shit.
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Pull in to Moscow at 6 a.m.,
hammered, piss drunk. Train stops.
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[in Russian] It is him.
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My whole class, they're in their pajamas.
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They're upset.
They've been robbed. I get it.
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[in Russian]
I want what you stole, Machine!
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- [gunshots]
-I'm the Machine!
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They look at me and look at each other and
they're like, "Fuck it! He's the Machine!"
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[dramatic music playing]
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{\an8}["Torn" playing]
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♪ I thought I saw a man brought to life ♪
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{\an8}♪ He was warm
He came around like he was dignified ♪
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{\an8}♪ He showed me what it was to cry ♪
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{\an8}♪ Well, you couldn't be
That one I adored ♪
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{\an8}♪ You don't seem to know
Seem to care what your heart is for ♪
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♪ But I don't know you anymore ♪
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{\an8}♪ There's nothing where you used to lie
Our conversation has run dry ♪
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{\an8}♪ That's what's going on
Nothing's fine, I'm torn ♪
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♪ I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel ♪
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{\an8}♪ I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor ♪
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{\an8}♪ Illusion never changed
Into something real ♪
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{\an8}♪ I'm wide awake and I can see
The perfect sky is torn ♪
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{\an8}♪ You're a little late, I'm already torn ♪
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♪ I'm already torn ♪
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♪ I'm already torn ♪
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{\an8}♪ I'm already torn ♪
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[song fades]
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[man] Okay.
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{\an8}So, Bert, how we doing today?
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{\an8}I feel fantastic.
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I'm eating clean. I'm working out.
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Blood pressure's down.
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No more partying. [chuckles]
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I haven't called anyone in this room
the C-word in almost three months, huh?
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He's never called Tat a C-word.
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- Oh, she's never acted like a C-word.
- Thanks, Dad.
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- So Mom and I act like C-words?
- [Bert laughs]
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You'd be shocked.
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- Wait. Just leave it there.
- Mom! Mom?
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- Okay. Okay.
- [Sasha] Mom.
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- Mom.
- I'm still waiting.
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- All right!
- That's not fair.
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Bert, why are we here?
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Well, I wanted you guys to see
the progress that I've made.
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To see how far I've come.
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Personal growth isn't something
that you need to point out.
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Progress is something that your family
should be noticing on their own.
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Bro, that's why they're here,
to notice it.
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Hey, if you're not on my team,
shut the fuck up, okay?
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Okay, no.
Has Bert ever talked about his father?
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- No.
- [Bert] This has absolutely
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- nothing to do with my father.
- Huh.
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I had an incident with my daughter.
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An incident.
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That was caused by my lifestyle
and my behavior.
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And I am taking actions to course-correct.
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[LeeAnn] And you should know
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that he sounds just like his father
when he talks like that.
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- [Bert] Hold on.
- Yes.
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- My father doesn't understand me.
- Same.
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Not same. Not same.
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My father's always correcting me.
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- Same, same.
- Not same, same!
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Your relationship with me
is totally different
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than my relationship with Papa.
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Okay, girls, please, can you wait outside?
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Perfect. Come on, Tat.
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Deuces.
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[door opens]
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- Ho, ho.
- [LeeAnne scoffs]
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[door closes]
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- So you can see what's going on here?
- [Bert] Yeah.
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- You just saw that, right?
- Yes.
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You-- Oh...
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Wait. You're talking about me?
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Oh, yes.
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Oh, fuck off.
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Fuck off? Fuck you! Fuck off!
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Oh, I didn't say it like, "Fuck off!"
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- I said, "Fuck off."
- You do not tell me "fuck off."
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It's my therapy.
I can say whatever I want, right?
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- Actually, you can't.
- No, like, you signed an oath!
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Hey! I am going to allow the two of you
to talk about his issues with his father.
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Deuces, Bert.
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[door opens]
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[door slams]
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You know the C-word's "cunt," right?
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[Bert] Okay. Here we go.
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Okay. One last push.
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- You can get it all in. Get it all in.
- [LeeAnn groans]
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We got it. It's gonna-- Getting it in!
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15 minutes! 15...
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Hey, babe! Look who's up!
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[treadmill whirring]
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Babe, 96 workouts in a row,
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and I still feel like
I'm sweating out toxins.
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- Still smells like your skin is pissing.
- Two more.
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One more. Nice. Ho, ho!
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- Hey.
- [clatters]
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Do you think people are gonna
think I'm on HGH? Feel that.
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- Uh...
- Feel my tit.
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No, like full-handed.
Full-handed. Grab it.
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There you go. Nice.
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[laughs] I'm making smoothies.
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[yells] Who wants smoothies?
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[whirring]
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[Sasha] Mom, can you please tell him
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not to do anything embarrassing
at my party today?
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Whoa! So that's how
we're gonna start our morning?
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I haven't done anything
publicly embarrassing
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in almost three months.
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Okay.
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But don't go overboard this time.
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I just want it to be with my friends.
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What friends?
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Don-- Eas-- Le--
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- So not cool.
- Don't.
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Are those nut sacks?
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No.
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It's a pimple for Dr. Pimple Popper.
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Oh, you don't think that's a little gross?
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Uh, it's totally gross.
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That's why Sasha and I love it.
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If you think about it,
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it's kind of like a metaphor
for her exploding into womanhood.
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What is wrong with this shirt?
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Supposed to be like this?
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Hey, babe.
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If I stand like this,
does it look tucked in?
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Don't wear that shirt.
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All right.
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What are these, my dad's shirts?
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[sighs]
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Can you please help me pick out a shirt?
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Okay.
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I think that this therapy
is making everything worse.
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I think you need to get back on-stage.
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[laughs] That's definitely not happening.
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- Why?
- Sit down.
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Have you ever seen The Nutty Professor?
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- Uh, no, I have not.
- Okay.
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Eddie Murphy turns into this one guy,
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which is great at first.
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But then his family starts hating him
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and he starts hating himself.
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Uh--
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Look.
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I'm the Machine on-stage.
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I'm also the Machine off-stage.
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I got high and I got drunk,
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and I almost got our daughter arrested.
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I saw the look in her face.
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I was helpless
and I couldn't do anything,
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and I wanted to kill myself.
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I will never let that happen
to our family again.
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[pensive music playing]
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00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:19,893
Well, fuck,
now I wanna watch The Nutty Professor.
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00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,187
It's a pretty good movie.
I wish you had watched it.
198
00:09:22,187 --> 00:09:24,398
It's exactly
what I'm going through right now.
199
00:09:24,398 --> 00:09:28,151
Maybe for now, for today,
we keep it simple.
200
00:09:30,529 --> 00:09:32,239
- I can do simple.
- Yeah?
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00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:36,034
[rock music playing over speakers]
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[Bert] There she is.
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There's my birthday girl.
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Hey, Sash, what do you think of the party?
205
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It's kind of big.
206
00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:48,422
Kind of big and awesome, right?
207
00:09:48,422 --> 00:09:51,008
Hey, Bert,
does the DJ have any glitchcore?
208
00:09:51,008 --> 00:09:52,134
Hey, Madison...
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00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:56,680
I'll go check.
210
00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:58,640
- Hey. Hey.
- What's up?
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00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,600
I thought you said you invited,
like, ten people.
212
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,227
Oh, no. I invited a ton.
213
00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:03,854
Well, you can't risk no-shows, babe.
214
00:10:03,854 --> 00:10:05,897
And partying with six people
is fucking depressing.
215
00:10:05,897 --> 00:10:07,816
I even invited parents that hate me.
216
00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:10,068
- What's up, Madison's mom?
- Oh. Hm.
217
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:12,612
That guy's a bitch. He is such a...
218
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,197
She's going through a divorce. Be nice.
219
00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:15,324
- Seriously?
- Mm-hm.
220
00:10:15,324 --> 00:10:17,075
Hey, hey. This is a sweet 16.
221
00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:19,328
- It's a big deal.
- Yeah, for Sash.
222
00:10:19,328 --> 00:10:21,621
I think Skeletor over there
must be the DJ.
223
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,123
Can you tell him where to set up?
224
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:24,583
Yeah. Hey, Trainspotting.
225
00:10:24,583 --> 00:10:27,210
You have any glitchcore?
Wait, is that my boom box?
226
00:10:27,836 --> 00:10:28,670
Yeah.
227
00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:31,923
- Is that my auxiliary cord?
- Yeah.
228
00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:33,717
Oh, do you want my phone?
229
00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:35,677
Nah.
230
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:40,932
Fucking disgusting.
231
00:10:40,932 --> 00:10:42,559
Hey, don't do that around the kids.
232
00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:45,771
Actually, you know what? Stay away
from the kids. We got music! I think.
233
00:10:45,771 --> 00:10:47,939
Gentlemen, what are you doing up here?
Girls are in the pool.
234
00:10:47,939 --> 00:10:49,107
They're talking about you. Jump in.
235
00:10:49,107 --> 00:10:50,859
Take your shirts off.
Don't piss in my pool.
236
00:10:50,859 --> 00:10:53,445
- Yo, Machine.
- Not today, brother. Not today.
237
00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:56,531
Ladies. Steer clear of the DJ.
Food's to the right, all right?
238
00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:57,908
Hey, Kreischer, no booze?
239
00:10:57,908 --> 00:10:59,826
Hey, Madison's mom, no husband?
240
00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:01,870
[laughs] Fucking bitch.
241
00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:03,997
Oh, ho-ho-ho!
242
00:11:04,539 --> 00:11:06,958
Killing it, B-Man. Killing it.
243
00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:10,837
[man clicking tongue
and making popping sounds]
244
00:11:10,837 --> 00:11:12,130
Hey there.
245
00:11:12,714 --> 00:11:15,717
[tense music playing]
246
00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:18,095
Dad?
247
00:11:18,095 --> 00:11:19,346
In the flesh.
248
00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:24,768
[chuckles]
249
00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:27,771
I see you haven't given up
trying to learn how to barbecue.
250
00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:29,022
Good for you, son.
251
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,566
Wait, what are you doing here?
252
00:11:32,317 --> 00:11:35,487
Well, I'm not gonna miss
my grandkid's sweet 16.
253
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:36,947
It's a big day.
254
00:11:38,657 --> 00:11:40,700
Right. Right.
255
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:43,161
Well...
256
00:11:47,332 --> 00:11:51,128
[clicking tongue and
making popping sounds]
257
00:11:56,007 --> 00:11:57,509
Not gonna flip 'em yet, huh?
258
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,140
Might be... Eh, it's okay, it's okay.
259
00:12:03,140 --> 00:12:04,516
Really?
260
00:12:04,516 --> 00:12:07,144
Well, I just don't want you
to mess 'em up.
261
00:12:07,811 --> 00:12:09,771
You know,
then people will be disappointed.
262
00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:11,148
You'll feel bad.
263
00:12:11,148 --> 00:12:13,692
It'll be all that,
"Huh, remember Bert's barbecue?
264
00:12:13,692 --> 00:12:15,902
- Those burgers, yikes."
- Goddamn it.
265
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:17,320
Oh, see?
266
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,780
Did you add egg to the mix?
267
00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:21,783
- Okay, Dad.
- It binds. It moisturizes.
268
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:23,326
Makes a much better burger.
269
00:12:23,326 --> 00:12:25,662
- Oh.
- My dad showed up.
270
00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:26,955
- From Florida?
- Yeah.
271
00:12:26,955 --> 00:12:29,875
And it took about two seconds before
he started making me mental with the:
272
00:12:29,875 --> 00:12:30,792
[clicking tongue]
273
00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:33,795
- Look at him!
- Hey, Boo Bear! Hi!
274
00:12:34,296 --> 00:12:35,589
He's a monster.
275
00:12:35,589 --> 00:12:37,007
- Oh!
- Oh.
276
00:12:37,007 --> 00:12:39,092
Okay, yeah. Breathe it out there, champ.
277
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,844
- [Tatiana] Hey, hey, Dad?
- Yes!
278
00:12:40,844 --> 00:12:43,054
Yeah, no. The dog's pooping in the pool.
279
00:12:43,054 --> 00:12:44,431
- What?
- [girl] Gross!
280
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:45,557
Wait, how?
281
00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:48,727
You paid money
to see my son take off his shirt
282
00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:51,271
and tell his made-up story
about robbing a train in Russia?
283
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,482
Dad, for the millionth time,
it's a true story.
284
00:12:53,482 --> 00:12:54,858
It's my job, okay?
285
00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:56,443
[man] And you should get back on-stage.
286
00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:58,737
'Cause I've seen you only,
like, five times.
287
00:12:58,737 --> 00:13:01,156
You paid to see him five times?
288
00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:04,451
I'm just shocked
that people would actually do that.
289
00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:05,452
[Bert] Dad.
290
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,287
[Albert] You don't buy carpet five times.
291
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:11,333
- Bye, Papa.
- Oh, sweetheart.
292
00:13:11,333 --> 00:13:12,667
[Sasha] I'm sorry, I'm gonna go.
293
00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:14,169
[Albert] Oh, don't worry about that.
294
00:13:14,169 --> 00:13:18,798
And you remember, you can call me anytime
whenever you want to talk about...
295
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,008
Well, you know.
296
00:13:20,884 --> 00:13:23,303
- All right. Bye.
- [Bert] Whoa, whoa, whoa!
297
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,180
Wait, where are you going? Hold on.
298
00:13:25,180 --> 00:13:27,015
- Bye, Bert.
- Mr. Kreischer. Hey, stop!
299
00:13:27,015 --> 00:13:28,266
- What?
- Where are you going?
300
00:13:28,266 --> 00:13:30,435
Mads asked me to go to Big Bear
for, like, three days.
301
00:13:30,435 --> 00:13:33,230
You are not going anywhere.
Hey, you're 16 years old.
302
00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:36,316
You're not going to Big Bear 'cause I know
you're gonna drink beer and smoke pot.
303
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,610
I'll be fine because I'm not you. Okay?
304
00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:40,779
Okay, stop. That's fair. That's fair.
305
00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:43,240
I deserve that. I deserve that. Okay?
306
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:46,409
Hey. Look at me. Look at me. Don't go.
307
00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:47,953
We wrap up this party, me and you,
308
00:13:47,953 --> 00:13:50,080
hang out tonight,
we'll watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
309
00:13:50,789 --> 00:13:53,041
I don't even watch that show anymore, Dad.
310
00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:55,126
And I don't even know
half of these people here.
311
00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:56,461
What, are you kidding me?
312
00:13:56,962 --> 00:13:59,047
You know-- What about this guy?
You know this guy.
313
00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:00,298
- Ray Ray.
- You know Ray Ray.
314
00:14:00,298 --> 00:14:02,384
Dad, I said I wanted a small party,
315
00:14:02,384 --> 00:14:04,844
and you promised
that you wouldn't embarrass me.
316
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,180
I'm just trying to be a good dad.
317
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,265
See?
318
00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:09,975
It's about you.
319
00:14:09,975 --> 00:14:12,936
- It's always about you!
- What are you talking about?
320
00:14:12,936 --> 00:14:15,689
How did I make it about...?
How did you flip that?
321
00:14:15,689 --> 00:14:17,148
Don't do that! Don't leave!
322
00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:18,900
Don't you flip me off!
323
00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:20,443
Don't you get in that car!
324
00:14:20,443 --> 00:14:22,112
Don't get-- See?
325
00:14:22,112 --> 00:14:24,906
This is the C-word behavior
I was talking about in therapy!
326
00:14:24,906 --> 00:14:27,284
I'm not saying it!
I'm just pointing it out!
327
00:14:31,705 --> 00:14:33,248
[sobs]
328
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,501
It's your fat fucking fault! Asshole!
329
00:14:37,335 --> 00:14:38,587
Goddamn it.
330
00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:47,929
Son?
331
00:14:48,722 --> 00:14:49,723
Not now, Dad.
332
00:14:50,599 --> 00:14:51,474
Uh...
333
00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:53,059
We should...
334
00:14:54,311 --> 00:14:55,312
You know...
335
00:14:56,313 --> 00:14:58,857
if you're searching for a new path,
336
00:14:59,691 --> 00:15:02,736
there's always room for you
at Kreischer Karpets.
337
00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:06,448
I'm good, Dad, okay? I'm good. I promise.
338
00:15:06,448 --> 00:15:07,657
Just give me a minute.
339
00:15:08,617 --> 00:15:09,618
Well...
340
00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:14,080
I just wasn't sure, you know,
how you're making money
341
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:18,168
if you're not doing
the whole comedy thing anymore.
342
00:15:19,002 --> 00:15:21,296
Hey, I'm a grown man.
343
00:15:21,296 --> 00:15:22,464
I'll figure it out, okay?
344
00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:24,424
Yeah, all right, all right, you know.
345
00:15:25,175 --> 00:15:26,301
Just trying to help.
346
00:15:26,301 --> 00:15:28,053
Hold on right there.
347
00:15:28,053 --> 00:15:30,764
No, you're not.
You're never trying to help, Dad.
348
00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:31,973
That's the point.
349
00:15:31,973 --> 00:15:35,060
When I got in trouble, what did you say
to me? "Oh, don't be an idiot."
350
00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:38,229
My advice to you was
don't do stupid things in public,
351
00:15:38,229 --> 00:15:40,273
- especially with the children.
- Oh, same thing!
352
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:41,691
Which is good advice.
353
00:15:41,691 --> 00:15:43,610
And you and Sasha wouldn't be
where you were
354
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,445
if you'd only listened to me.
355
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:46,863
- [door opens]
- Oh, my God.
356
00:15:46,863 --> 00:15:50,116
Ma'am, the party's outside. Okay?
357
00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:51,785
Are you the Machine?
358
00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:53,411
Oh, shit.
359
00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:57,082
Yeah, I am.
And I can do a picture in a second.
360
00:15:57,082 --> 00:16:00,210
I'm kind of having
a private moment with my father, okay?
361
00:16:01,878 --> 00:16:04,339
I'm here for the pocket watch
362
00:16:04,339 --> 00:16:08,176
stolen on a train in Russia 23 years ago
363
00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:09,886
by you.
364
00:16:11,179 --> 00:16:12,013
Okay.
365
00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:14,516
I'm having a shitshow day.
366
00:16:14,516 --> 00:16:17,811
So if this is some sort of TikTok prank,
I'm about to lose my fucking shit.
367
00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:18,728
[laughs]
368
00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:21,940
It's definitely a prank.
Clearly, that's a fake gun.
369
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,609
- [Bert yelps]
- [whimpers] Or not!
370
00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:26,653
- She's got a fucking gun, Dad!
- Yeah, I'm clear on that now.
371
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,196
- Sit down!
- Yes, ma'am.
372
00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:32,367
- [ominous music playing]
- My name is Irina Ivanona Volgina.
373
00:16:32,367 --> 00:16:35,578
And I suggest you start remembering.
374
00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:38,289
It was 20 years ago.
I barely remember that trip.
375
00:16:38,289 --> 00:16:40,709
I don't have a watch,
and it's definitely not here.
376
00:16:40,709 --> 00:16:43,420
Then you're coming with me
back to Russia to find it.
377
00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:44,921
Russia? [yells]
378
00:16:44,921 --> 00:16:47,006
- [grunts]
- Look at your daughter.
379
00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:50,760
So innocent.
380
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:52,220
So pure.
381
00:16:52,804 --> 00:16:54,889
So vulnerable.
382
00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:57,600
Do you see that man?
383
00:16:58,351 --> 00:16:59,686
[Bert] DJ Chemo?
384
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:01,646
He will follow her on her trip.
385
00:17:02,313 --> 00:17:04,065
If you do not find my watch,
386
00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:05,525
he kills her.
387
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:11,448
If you try to run, he kills her.
388
00:17:13,158 --> 00:17:16,244
You say a word about this to anyone...
389
00:17:18,288 --> 00:17:19,289
he kills her.
390
00:17:19,289 --> 00:17:20,874
Okay. Okay.
391
00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:23,835
I'll do whatever you want.
Just let my daughter go.
392
00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:27,464
Listen, I'll do whatever you want.
393
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:30,925
Just don't hurt my daughter.
And let my father go, all right?
394
00:17:30,925 --> 00:17:33,344
He wasn't supposed to be here.
He wasn't even invited.
395
00:17:35,013 --> 00:17:38,099
- I'm going with you.
- Dad, you're not going with me.
396
00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:41,102
I wouldn't be able to live with myself
if you failed to protect Sasha.
397
00:17:41,102 --> 00:17:43,897
- Dad, stop! You're not going!
- He goes!
398
00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:47,275
If you need persuading in Russia,
399
00:17:47,275 --> 00:17:48,860
he might be useful.
400
00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:51,905
For torture.
401
00:17:52,614 --> 00:17:53,740
The car is waiting.
402
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:55,283
We leave now.
403
00:17:58,536 --> 00:18:00,205
Dad, put your fucking hands down.
404
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,208
Excuse me. Hey, Albert?
405
00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:06,044
Hold, hold, hold, wait up.
406
00:18:06,044 --> 00:18:09,255
Oh, my God. I haven't even seen you yet.
I'm so sorry I haven't said hi.
407
00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:10,673
- Hello.
- Hello, dear.
408
00:18:10,673 --> 00:18:12,759
- There are so many people here.
- [Albert] Mm-hm.
409
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,636
Hi. Oh, who is this?
410
00:18:14,636 --> 00:18:17,972
Uh... this is our, uh,
Uber driver, uh, Sylvia.
411
00:18:17,972 --> 00:18:19,224
Sylvia.
412
00:18:19,224 --> 00:18:22,727
Hi. Your Uber driver?
413
00:18:22,727 --> 00:18:23,728
Where are you going?
414
00:18:23,728 --> 00:18:25,021
- Uh...
- Um...
415
00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:27,899
[LeeAnn] Oh, my God.
416
00:18:28,483 --> 00:18:29,692
Yeah. I see what's going on.
417
00:18:29,692 --> 00:18:31,694
You two are gonna follow Sasha
to Big Bear.
418
00:18:31,694 --> 00:18:33,780
- Yes, we are.
- Exactly. Big Bear, yes.
419
00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:35,448
Cool. Great. Well, you know what?
420
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:37,408
I'll just stay home,
take care of everything,
421
00:18:37,408 --> 00:18:41,955
and the two of you can just fuck off
on your creepy, little, puritanical--
422
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,875
[ominous music continues]
423
00:18:48,169 --> 00:18:50,338
I love you. I'm sorry. Kiss Tats for me.
424
00:18:50,338 --> 00:18:51,422
Dad, let's go.
425
00:18:52,423 --> 00:18:53,424
Where...?
426
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,760
Good work, Kreischers.
427
00:18:57,095 --> 00:19:00,431
[Irina] This is my bodyguard, Sponge.
428
00:19:00,431 --> 00:19:02,600
Sponge, like you absorb liquids?
429
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:05,478
Absorb bullets. [laughs]
430
00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:15,530
[music turns dramatic]
431
00:19:26,416 --> 00:19:28,418
[in Russian] Two? You said one.
432
00:19:29,419 --> 00:19:31,421
Still think I made the story up?
433
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:34,340
[in Russian] You cannot bring both.
434
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:35,758
Too many questions!
435
00:19:35,758 --> 00:19:36,676
[groans]
436
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:38,261
[in Russian] Oh, fuck!
437
00:19:38,887 --> 00:19:41,764
Never tell me what I can do. Ever!
438
00:19:41,764 --> 00:19:42,765
[man whimpers]
439
00:19:45,393 --> 00:19:46,436
Move it.
440
00:19:56,404 --> 00:20:00,450
[in English]
They said Machine had ice in veins.
441
00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:02,785
Could walk through the walls.
442
00:20:02,785 --> 00:20:05,663
Drink more than any man.
443
00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:08,958
I grew up hearing this myth.
444
00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:11,544
You.
445
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:17,592
You're fat.
446
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,553
And you have tits.
447
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,472
Very disturbing.
448
00:20:22,472 --> 00:20:25,475
That's body-shaming. And honestly,
I expect more empathy out of a woman.
449
00:20:25,475 --> 00:20:26,976
Such a disappointment.
450
00:20:26,976 --> 00:20:30,688
Like opening peanuts
and joke snake pop out.
451
00:20:30,688 --> 00:20:32,315
Enjoy your flight, Machine.
452
00:20:32,315 --> 00:20:34,317
It will probably be your last.
453
00:20:36,152 --> 00:20:39,155
["Welcome to Russia" playing]
454
00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:53,336
[yells]
455
00:21:03,513 --> 00:21:04,806
[yells]
456
00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:09,519
- [laughing]
- [cheering]
457
00:21:12,063 --> 00:21:15,108
All right. When we land,
I'm gonna create a diversion.
458
00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:17,402
What I want you to do
is go to the embassy.
459
00:21:17,402 --> 00:21:18,319
Dad.
460
00:21:18,319 --> 00:21:21,280
Now, these people really know
what they're doing around the grill.
461
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,282
How can you eat at a time like this?
462
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:27,203
Son, I'm a small-business owner
from a "stand your ground" state.
463
00:21:27,203 --> 00:21:28,705
This is like a Tuesday for me.
464
00:21:28,705 --> 00:21:31,457
[Sponge] Machina, the myth.
465
00:21:31,457 --> 00:21:34,127
Your turn, huh? [laughs]
466
00:21:34,127 --> 00:21:36,921
No, no. I wish I could.
I just got a crown replaced.
467
00:21:36,921 --> 00:21:38,881
- Oh, Machina.
- [Russians grumbling indistinctly]
468
00:21:38,881 --> 00:21:41,300
But I have an uneven jaw,
and it took them forever to...
469
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:42,969
- Hey, Bert.
- What?
470
00:21:42,969 --> 00:21:45,972
You want to know
why people respect Kreischer Karpets?
471
00:21:45,972 --> 00:21:48,182
Well, it's definitely
not 'cause you spelled "carpets" with a K.
472
00:21:48,182 --> 00:21:49,684
No, that's just good marketing.
473
00:21:49,684 --> 00:21:54,063
It's because we install anywhere.
474
00:21:54,063 --> 00:21:56,524
- We never show fear.
- [dramatic music playing]
475
00:21:56,524 --> 00:21:58,026
We face it.
476
00:21:58,026 --> 00:22:02,697
So, Bert, don't show fear.
477
00:22:03,865 --> 00:22:04,866
Wow.
478
00:22:06,951 --> 00:22:08,870
You really shoehorned that message in.
479
00:22:09,537 --> 00:22:12,123
All right, Sponge, I guess I got next.
480
00:22:12,123 --> 00:22:14,375
- [Sponge laughs]
- [Russians] Oh!
481
00:22:14,375 --> 00:22:15,835
Machina,
482
00:22:16,461 --> 00:22:19,505
all I have heard about you,
and you have titty, huh?
483
00:22:21,007 --> 00:22:22,759
You're such a large man.
484
00:22:22,759 --> 00:22:24,052
[laughs]
485
00:22:24,052 --> 00:22:25,720
[Bert laughs] You're so fucking big.
486
00:22:26,846 --> 00:22:28,389
Let's hope this works.
487
00:22:29,557 --> 00:22:34,896
I'm gonna show you
what we in the States call "dad strength."
488
00:22:35,772 --> 00:22:37,440
- [Sponge yells]
- [Russians gasp]
489
00:22:37,982 --> 00:22:39,317
[laughs]
490
00:22:40,610 --> 00:22:42,945
[laughing hysterically]
491
00:22:42,945 --> 00:22:44,030
Funny!
492
00:22:44,030 --> 00:22:45,239
Now...
493
00:22:46,324 --> 00:22:47,825
my turn, huh?
494
00:22:47,825 --> 00:22:49,494
[tense music playing]
495
00:23:05,384 --> 00:23:08,638
[Albert] Well, you showed fear.
496
00:23:12,558 --> 00:23:16,604
Son, I think this trip to Russia
could give you some... direction.
497
00:23:17,105 --> 00:23:19,774
Look, I had this with me in Rome.
498
00:23:19,774 --> 00:23:21,609
Saved me more than a few times.
499
00:23:22,193 --> 00:23:23,444
You take care of it...
500
00:23:24,695 --> 00:23:26,155
it will take care of you.
501
00:23:28,866 --> 00:23:30,910
- Your pocketknife?
- Mm-hm.
502
00:23:30,910 --> 00:23:32,203
Ah, thanks, Dad.
503
00:23:33,287 --> 00:23:36,624
We hope our sons grow up to be
the men we wish we could be, Bert.
504
00:23:37,708 --> 00:23:40,044
Maybe this trip
can start you on that path.
505
00:23:40,044 --> 00:23:41,295
And also...
506
00:23:42,922 --> 00:23:45,383
if you lose that knife in Russia,
507
00:23:46,134 --> 00:23:48,594
I will disown you.
508
00:23:48,594 --> 00:23:50,596
Ah, funny story.
509
00:23:52,765 --> 00:23:56,060
I did lose your knife in Russia.
510
00:23:56,060 --> 00:23:57,562
Dad, I'm sorry.
511
00:23:58,646 --> 00:24:00,148
I knew you'd let me down.
512
00:24:00,148 --> 00:24:01,691
[thunder crashes]
513
00:24:01,691 --> 00:24:02,608
You did?
514
00:24:02,608 --> 00:24:03,734
[laughs]
515
00:24:03,734 --> 00:24:06,112
[unsettling music playing]
516
00:24:06,112 --> 00:24:07,780
Got your manhood!
517
00:24:07,780 --> 00:24:09,365
Oh, you took my testicles!
518
00:24:09,365 --> 00:24:10,533
[gasps]
519
00:24:10,533 --> 00:24:12,326
[groans]
520
00:24:12,326 --> 00:24:15,121
[woman speaking in Russian over PA]
521
00:24:15,121 --> 00:24:16,664
- Hey there.
- While you were out,
522
00:24:16,664 --> 00:24:19,083
- your father and I got to know each other.
- Wait.
523
00:24:19,083 --> 00:24:21,919
Also, we watched
Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid.
524
00:24:21,919 --> 00:24:23,254
The ending? Wow.
525
00:24:23,254 --> 00:24:25,256
Dad, that's our movie.
526
00:24:25,256 --> 00:24:27,925
Bert, we have to find this watch.
527
00:24:27,925 --> 00:24:29,552
You stole it. What'd you do with it?
528
00:24:29,552 --> 00:24:32,597
Jesus Christ. It's the top five drunkest
I've ever been in my life.
529
00:24:32,597 --> 00:24:34,765
I'm usually drunk when I tell the story.
530
00:24:34,765 --> 00:24:38,019
- [dramatic music playing]
- Okay. Okay. Hold on, hold on.
531
00:24:38,019 --> 00:24:41,480
Give me a sec. Let me think. Let me think.
God. I'm not good with guns at my head.
532
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:42,565
[whimpers]
533
00:24:44,650 --> 00:24:46,527
Fedor. What about Fedor?
534
00:24:46,527 --> 00:24:49,530
He was the gangster on the train.
Everything we stole, we gave to him.
535
00:24:49,530 --> 00:24:51,824
Yeah, I talked to Fedor.
536
00:24:51,824 --> 00:24:53,576
He doesn't remember the watch.
537
00:24:53,576 --> 00:24:55,036
So I killed him.
538
00:24:56,162 --> 00:24:57,371
Jesus Christ.
539
00:24:59,165 --> 00:25:00,249
Igor.
540
00:25:02,460 --> 00:25:03,461
Which Igor?
541
00:25:03,461 --> 00:25:05,129
I know like 50 Igors.
542
00:25:05,129 --> 00:25:08,799
Uh, Igor was the mobster
that took care of our class.
543
00:25:08,799 --> 00:25:10,509
He lived with us in the dorms.
544
00:25:10,509 --> 00:25:12,303
Maybe he still lives in the dorms.
545
00:25:12,303 --> 00:25:14,722
Fuck school. Let's party.
546
00:25:16,015 --> 00:25:16,849
[Irina] Hm.
547
00:25:18,309 --> 00:25:20,102
Then this is where we go.
548
00:25:24,857 --> 00:25:28,945
Can't believe you watched
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Fuck.
549
00:25:28,945 --> 00:25:29,862
[jet engines roar]
550
00:25:29,862 --> 00:25:31,656
ST. PETERSBERG
551
00:25:45,044 --> 00:25:47,255
Follow my lead.
If we get a chance, we run.
552
00:25:47,255 --> 00:25:48,631
[in Russian] Is there a problem?
553
00:25:48,631 --> 00:25:53,511
[in Russian] Your documents indicate
11 passengers, but I count 12.
554
00:25:54,512 --> 00:25:55,554
[in Russian] I told you so.
555
00:25:55,554 --> 00:25:58,182
[dramatic music playing]
556
00:25:58,182 --> 00:26:00,851
Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad.
557
00:26:00,851 --> 00:26:02,353
Oh, my God. Oh!
558
00:26:03,437 --> 00:26:05,398
He's going down. He's going down.
559
00:26:06,607 --> 00:26:07,608
[in Russian] I count 11.
560
00:26:07,608 --> 00:26:08,693
[Bert] Jeez Louise!
561
00:26:08,693 --> 00:26:11,028
[dramatic music playing]
562
00:26:17,326 --> 00:26:18,411
[Bert] Wait.
563
00:26:19,161 --> 00:26:20,955
That's me. I'm the Machine.
564
00:26:20,955 --> 00:26:22,790
{\an8}Why am I on a billboard?
565
00:26:22,790 --> 00:26:25,042
{\an8}[Sponge] Da. You famous.
566
00:26:25,042 --> 00:26:27,920
[chuckles]
I'm hot folklore in the Soviet Union.
567
00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:30,548
[in English] The Soviet Union is dead,
you ignorant fuck!
568
00:26:31,465 --> 00:26:34,051
We're Russia. We're strong.
569
00:26:34,051 --> 00:26:35,052
[Sponge] We're here.
570
00:26:37,471 --> 00:26:39,473
They turned it into condos.
571
00:26:41,434 --> 00:26:42,727
Oh, hello there.
572
00:26:43,144 --> 00:26:43,978
Ha!
573
00:26:44,395 --> 00:26:47,023
[Bert] Hey, Dad, this isn't Orlando.
Quit trying to work a threesome.
574
00:26:47,023 --> 00:26:48,691
Put it back in your pants.
575
00:26:48,691 --> 00:26:50,776
Well, that was rude.
576
00:26:50,776 --> 00:26:52,111
Move.
577
00:26:52,111 --> 00:26:53,904
Hey, here's where we took classes.
578
00:26:55,031 --> 00:26:56,282
This is where I met Igor.
579
00:26:56,282 --> 00:26:59,035
["Santeria" playing]
580
00:26:59,035 --> 00:27:01,662
Wow. Twenty-three years ago.
581
00:27:02,163 --> 00:27:04,206
I should've taken more pictures
of my dick.
582
00:27:04,206 --> 00:27:09,628
♪ I don't practice Santeria
I ain't got no crystal ball ♪
583
00:27:09,628 --> 00:27:15,343
♪ Well, I had a million dollars
But I'd, I'd spend it all ♪
584
00:27:15,343 --> 00:27:20,556
♪ If I could find that jaina
And that sancho that she's found ♪
585
00:27:20,556 --> 00:27:23,726
♪ Well, I'd pop a cap in sancho
And I'd slap her down... ♪
586
00:27:23,726 --> 00:27:25,144
THE DORMS
587
00:27:25,144 --> 00:27:26,937
[woman] Okay, class, listen up.
588
00:27:27,646 --> 00:27:30,483
Do not expect an easy course load.
589
00:27:30,483 --> 00:27:31,901
It isn't a vacation.
590
00:27:31,901 --> 00:27:36,072
Your goal is to culturally bond
with the indigenous citizens.
591
00:27:36,739 --> 00:27:40,659
This is Igor. He is a banditti.
You will be taking courses...
592
00:27:40,659 --> 00:27:43,496
I actually don't speak much Russian.
What is "banditti"?
593
00:27:43,496 --> 00:27:46,916
Oh, um, "banditti"
is the Russian word for mobster.
594
00:27:47,500 --> 00:27:50,378
This is a class trip.
How come we've never met?
595
00:27:50,378 --> 00:27:53,130
Oh, I don't go to class much. I'm Bert.
596
00:27:53,130 --> 00:27:54,882
[Ashley] Oh, Ashley.
597
00:27:54,882 --> 00:27:57,051
[woman] But Russia is a dangerous place.
598
00:27:57,051 --> 00:27:58,719
Igor is our fixer.
599
00:27:58,719 --> 00:28:01,472
He is only here for your protection.
600
00:28:02,306 --> 00:28:03,599
He is very dangerous.
601
00:28:03,599 --> 00:28:04,517
Oh!
602
00:28:04,517 --> 00:28:06,102
- [students gasp]
- [Bert chuckles]
603
00:28:07,770 --> 00:28:10,815
[woman] You are not to talk to
or hang out with him.
604
00:28:10,815 --> 00:28:13,025
All I want to do is hang out with him.
605
00:28:13,025 --> 00:28:16,237
[Albert] I never know what to believe
about what you say happened back then.
606
00:28:16,237 --> 00:28:19,156
You do have a very active imagination.
607
00:28:19,156 --> 00:28:20,825
[chuckles] I imagine.
608
00:28:20,825 --> 00:28:23,953
- That's my issue.
- Well, one of them.
609
00:28:23,953 --> 00:28:27,081
[Irina] My father and I
have a similar relationship.
610
00:28:27,081 --> 00:28:29,667
[Bert] What the fuck is this thing?
Is it an iPad?
611
00:28:30,376 --> 00:28:31,794
I got this, son.
612
00:28:31,794 --> 00:28:33,963
I am an Eagle Scout.
613
00:28:35,214 --> 00:28:36,632
[Irina] What is an Eagle Scout?
614
00:28:36,632 --> 00:28:38,342
It's like if James Bond was a Mormon.
615
00:28:38,342 --> 00:28:40,594
An Eagle Scout can get in anywhere.
616
00:28:40,594 --> 00:28:42,847
You'd know that
if you'd become an Eagle Scout.
617
00:28:42,847 --> 00:28:45,057
But no... [yells]
618
00:28:45,599 --> 00:28:46,600
[door chimes]
619
00:28:48,519 --> 00:28:50,354
My fist is Eagle Scout.
620
00:28:52,189 --> 00:28:53,524
I'll wait in the car.
621
00:28:55,025 --> 00:28:56,944
[Irina] He has impulse-control issue.
622
00:28:56,944 --> 00:28:57,862
Very sad.
623
00:28:57,862 --> 00:28:59,447
[Bert] Yeah. Steroids will do that to you.
624
00:28:59,447 --> 00:29:02,491
{\an8}- [suspenseful music playing]
- They really dressed this place up.
625
00:29:03,492 --> 00:29:05,786
Still have the world's smallest elevator.
626
00:29:09,123 --> 00:29:10,040
[telephone beeps]
627
00:29:11,208 --> 00:29:13,752
[in Russian] Tell Vanya they are here.
628
00:29:13,752 --> 00:29:14,837
[elevator chimes]
629
00:29:16,130 --> 00:29:17,715
Holy shit.
630
00:29:18,382 --> 00:29:21,302
There was a woman that sat right there.
631
00:29:21,302 --> 00:29:23,971
She absolutely loved me.
632
00:29:23,971 --> 00:29:26,599
Igor's room was all the way down
to the right.
633
00:29:27,433 --> 00:29:29,518
I took a shit on a pizza box right there.
634
00:29:29,518 --> 00:29:31,437
Jesus, son.
635
00:29:31,437 --> 00:29:33,439
Eh, it got mixed reviews.
636
00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:37,359
Honestly,
if I hadn't sprained that finger,
637
00:29:37,359 --> 00:29:39,153
probably would've made it to the league.
638
00:29:39,153 --> 00:29:41,322
But, you know,
I wasn't about to lose a thumb war
639
00:29:41,322 --> 00:29:43,157
to a 12-year-old, you know?
640
00:29:43,657 --> 00:29:45,034
Here you go, dabushka.
641
00:29:45,034 --> 00:29:47,036
Gifts from your American friend.
642
00:29:47,036 --> 00:29:48,621
- [speaks in Russian]
- Ah.
643
00:29:48,621 --> 00:29:51,415
Gifts are a very important aspect
of Russian life, Ash.
644
00:29:51,415 --> 00:29:53,501
- Bet you didn't know that.
- [Ashley] Mm.
645
00:29:53,501 --> 00:29:55,503
Bet you didn't know your fly was down.
646
00:29:57,004 --> 00:29:57,838
[clears throat]
647
00:29:57,838 --> 00:29:59,965
[Irina] Why are you telling us this?
648
00:29:59,965 --> 00:30:01,050
[Bert] Sorry.
649
00:30:01,050 --> 00:30:02,760
Lot of memories being back here.
650
00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:06,514
[rock music playing over speakers]
651
00:30:06,514 --> 00:30:09,683
Whoa, you live right across
from Igor and the banditti?
652
00:30:09,683 --> 00:30:12,061
Do you ever hear, like,
screams coming from their room?
653
00:30:12,061 --> 00:30:13,187
No, not really.
654
00:30:14,271 --> 00:30:15,272
[Bert] Look at them.
655
00:30:15,814 --> 00:30:17,566
They're magnificent.
656
00:30:17,566 --> 00:30:20,110
How do I talk to them?
How do I say my name?
657
00:30:20,110 --> 00:30:22,196
[lively music playing on video game]
658
00:30:23,364 --> 00:30:24,740
I planned the perfect sentence.
659
00:30:24,740 --> 00:30:26,408
[knocking on door]
660
00:30:26,992 --> 00:30:30,287
But the second I was face-to-face
with a real Russian gangster,
661
00:30:30,287 --> 00:30:31,497
I panicked.
662
00:30:32,248 --> 00:30:33,499
Ya machina.
663
00:30:39,630 --> 00:30:41,131
Ya machina.
664
00:30:41,757 --> 00:30:43,759
[Bert] "Muchina" means badass.
665
00:30:43,759 --> 00:30:45,719
"Machina" means machine.
666
00:30:45,719 --> 00:30:47,429
I said I was the Machine.
667
00:30:47,429 --> 00:30:48,973
[Irina] You're an idiot.
668
00:30:50,182 --> 00:30:51,684
Ya machina.
669
00:30:53,143 --> 00:30:55,145
- [Bert] Luckily...
- [laughing]
670
00:30:55,145 --> 00:30:56,522
they thought it was hilarious.
671
00:30:56,522 --> 00:30:58,148
On machina!
672
00:30:58,148 --> 00:30:59,567
[rock music playing over speakers]
673
00:30:59,567 --> 00:31:02,486
They introduced me to their world,
and I introduced them to mine.
674
00:31:02,486 --> 00:31:05,114
Vodka, lemon, two teaspoons of sugar.
675
00:31:05,114 --> 00:31:07,658
- These are called lemon drops.
- They're called lemon drops.
676
00:31:07,658 --> 00:31:11,996
Okay, they're from Florida,
and they're fucking delicious!
677
00:31:11,996 --> 00:31:14,999
The Machine is powered by lemons!
678
00:31:14,999 --> 00:31:18,210
[Bert]
And the legend of the Machine was born.
679
00:31:18,210 --> 00:31:20,296
[speaking in Russian and cheering]
680
00:31:22,506 --> 00:31:23,882
All right, all right, all right.
681
00:31:23,882 --> 00:31:27,261
This next one's a little thing
I like to call Beavis and Butt-Head.
682
00:31:29,096 --> 00:31:30,472
His head is a butt!
683
00:31:30,472 --> 00:31:33,142
[Bert] They had no frame of reference
for American culture.
684
00:31:33,142 --> 00:31:35,936
[in British accent] Do I make you horny?
685
00:31:35,936 --> 00:31:38,188
[Albert] Austin Powers? Really?
686
00:31:38,188 --> 00:31:39,315
[Bert] Shut up, Dad.
687
00:31:40,190 --> 00:31:42,943
So I stole from the best,
and they thought it was me.
688
00:31:44,445 --> 00:31:47,781
To them, I was just some crazy genius
who could out-drink 'em all.
689
00:31:47,781 --> 00:31:50,367
- I'm the Machine!
- [cheering]
690
00:31:50,367 --> 00:31:53,454
[hip hop music playing over speakers]
691
00:31:56,248 --> 00:31:58,292
I call this the "Macarena."
692
00:32:00,836 --> 00:32:02,129
Word spread fast.
693
00:32:02,129 --> 00:32:05,132
And the legend of the Machine
just kept growing.
694
00:32:05,132 --> 00:32:08,218
["Unbelievable" playing]
695
00:32:09,470 --> 00:32:12,056
[Irina]
Everyone in Russia heard the stories.
696
00:32:12,056 --> 00:32:14,141
You were folklore.
697
00:32:14,141 --> 00:32:15,976
[Bert laughs]
-I was good for Igor's business.
698
00:32:15,976 --> 00:32:17,436
People paid him to party with me.
699
00:32:17,436 --> 00:32:18,896
Wait! The stash hole!
700
00:32:19,563 --> 00:32:22,232
Igor's room has a stash hole in it,
in the wall.
701
00:32:22,232 --> 00:32:24,818
And what does he keep in this hole?
702
00:32:24,818 --> 00:32:26,153
Beanie Babies.
703
00:32:26,654 --> 00:32:28,739
Come on. Drugs, money and porn.
You're in the mob.
704
00:32:28,739 --> 00:32:31,533
But maybe there's something in there
that can tell us how to find him.
705
00:32:31,533 --> 00:32:32,951
It's this one right here.
706
00:32:32,951 --> 00:32:36,121
I hope so, for your daughter's sake.
707
00:32:40,417 --> 00:32:41,293
Oi!
708
00:32:41,293 --> 00:32:45,631
- That's feminism. You asked for it.
- Fuck you! Pussy woman-boy!
709
00:32:45,631 --> 00:32:47,841
Well, I see wokeness
hasn't made its way to Russia.
710
00:32:50,386 --> 00:32:53,389
[Russian folk music blaring
over car speakers]
711
00:32:53,389 --> 00:32:56,475
[ominous music playing]
712
00:32:59,978 --> 00:33:01,021
[knocks on roof]
713
00:33:03,691 --> 00:33:06,235
- The hole?
- Yeah, right.
714
00:33:06,902 --> 00:33:07,903
All right.
715
00:33:08,570 --> 00:33:10,864
That wall used to go all the way down.
716
00:33:11,490 --> 00:33:12,866
If I'm not mistaken...
717
00:33:12,866 --> 00:33:14,952
[tapping on wall]
718
00:33:16,453 --> 00:33:17,454
Ah!
719
00:33:17,454 --> 00:33:18,414
Bingo.
720
00:33:18,414 --> 00:33:21,500
[pensive music playing]
721
00:33:23,669 --> 00:33:25,462
[Irina] No watch.
722
00:33:25,462 --> 00:33:27,214
This is something way better.
723
00:33:27,214 --> 00:33:28,882
One of Ash's pot brownies, Dad.
724
00:33:28,882 --> 00:33:31,135
These things were gold back in the day.
725
00:33:31,135 --> 00:33:34,847
Why would anyone keep
20-year-old marijuana brownies?
726
00:33:34,847 --> 00:33:38,225
Ashley's pot brownies
are the best thing I've ever tasted.
727
00:33:38,225 --> 00:33:40,561
They're mad strong, though,
so only eat a little.
728
00:33:42,396 --> 00:33:45,357
- Don't fuck.
- [laughing]
729
00:33:45,357 --> 00:33:47,234
You're fucking with me, man.
730
00:33:47,860 --> 00:33:49,445
Go fuck yourself.
731
00:33:51,405 --> 00:33:53,157
Hey, how'd you become a banditti?
732
00:33:54,450 --> 00:33:55,451
One day,
733
00:33:56,952 --> 00:33:58,203
man told me,
734
00:33:58,203 --> 00:34:01,540
"Igor, help me with this thing."
735
00:34:03,500 --> 00:34:04,626
Thing was mafia.
736
00:34:04,626 --> 00:34:06,879
'Cause if I get hungry, I get hangry,
and everybody knows
737
00:34:06,879 --> 00:34:09,423
marijuana goes bad after time.
It's like the reverse of pickles.
738
00:34:09,423 --> 00:34:12,259
So no Igor, no watch.
739
00:34:12,259 --> 00:34:15,220
Just old money and pickle weed.
740
00:34:15,846 --> 00:34:17,931
This is not good for you, Bert.
741
00:34:17,931 --> 00:34:20,517
- [woman] Fuck you.
- [tense music playing]
742
00:34:20,517 --> 00:34:21,810
[Irina] Vanya.
743
00:34:21,810 --> 00:34:23,562
It's not good for you either.
744
00:34:23,562 --> 00:34:25,314
VANYA
745
00:34:25,314 --> 00:34:27,274
[in Russian] What are you doing here?
746
00:34:29,860 --> 00:34:31,528
[Vanya] He is Machina?
747
00:34:31,528 --> 00:34:32,654
The man's man?
748
00:34:32,654 --> 00:34:34,198
Nah.
749
00:34:34,198 --> 00:34:37,117
He has, uh... breasts.
750
00:34:43,874 --> 00:34:46,168
Your friend, Igor,
751
00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:49,546
he took over the trains to Moscow.
752
00:34:50,130 --> 00:34:52,508
And now I know where to find the watch.
753
00:34:52,508 --> 00:34:54,384
[in English]
How do you know Igor runs trains?
754
00:34:54,384 --> 00:34:55,594
Because...
755
00:34:56,553 --> 00:34:57,971
I am respected.
756
00:34:57,971 --> 00:34:58,889
[scoffs]
757
00:35:01,016 --> 00:35:03,602
I make it my job to know these things.
758
00:35:03,602 --> 00:35:04,686
You?
759
00:35:07,272 --> 00:35:08,816
You are foolish woman.
760
00:35:09,525 --> 00:35:11,360
Playing pretend.
761
00:35:18,492 --> 00:35:19,827
I do not play.
762
00:35:24,873 --> 00:35:26,375
- [dog yelps]
- Oh!
763
00:35:26,375 --> 00:35:27,751
- [screams]
- [thuds]
764
00:35:27,751 --> 00:35:29,753
Holy cow!
765
00:35:30,379 --> 00:35:31,588
[woman sobbing]
766
00:35:33,382 --> 00:35:35,050
You're an insolent child, Vanya.
767
00:35:35,050 --> 00:35:38,387
Now you come with me on train
or you go out window.
768
00:35:39,471 --> 00:35:42,099
- All right, let's go, Dad. Come on.
- Yeah, let's go. Let's go.
769
00:35:43,308 --> 00:35:44,309
See you around.
770
00:35:47,604 --> 00:35:48,939
Put your hands down.
771
00:35:48,939 --> 00:35:51,733
[tense music continues]
772
00:35:51,733 --> 00:35:53,694
Well, this is wonderful.
773
00:35:53,694 --> 00:35:55,696
We're about to be killed by gangsters.
774
00:35:55,696 --> 00:35:57,823
And you're pocketing ancient pot brownies.
775
00:35:57,823 --> 00:36:00,826
You say shit like that and you wonder
why we haven't visited in three years.
776
00:36:00,826 --> 00:36:02,035
- So now it's my fault?
- Yeah.
777
00:36:02,035 --> 00:36:03,912
I don't want to be around that shit,
and neither do my kids.
778
00:36:03,912 --> 00:36:05,956
Your kids are great.
Don't bring them into this.
779
00:36:05,956 --> 00:36:08,834
[Bert] Oh, I know they're great, Dad.
They're my kids.
780
00:36:08,834 --> 00:36:12,254
[Albert] You know, your problem is
you live this life where you get rewarded
781
00:36:12,254 --> 00:36:15,299
for indulging in your worst tendencies.
782
00:36:15,299 --> 00:36:18,385
[intense music playing]
783
00:36:21,889 --> 00:36:23,473
[yells]
784
00:36:26,143 --> 00:36:27,686
[vertebrae snap]
785
00:36:27,686 --> 00:36:29,271
Let's hope that was an adjustment.
786
00:36:30,689 --> 00:36:32,065
Meet you downstairs.
787
00:36:35,736 --> 00:36:38,739
[intense music continues]
788
00:36:54,046 --> 00:36:56,256
Well, we should be safe in here.
789
00:36:56,256 --> 00:36:57,215
[bullets thudding]
790
00:37:15,484 --> 00:37:16,360
I got you, son!
791
00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:17,819
No, I got you! I'm covering you!
792
00:37:17,819 --> 00:37:19,571
- Everything's under control!
- No!
793
00:37:44,805 --> 00:37:46,348
[Bert] Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
794
00:37:46,348 --> 00:37:47,557
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
795
00:38:03,156 --> 00:38:05,325
- Lift!
- No! No, no! Close, close!
796
00:38:05,325 --> 00:38:07,744
- [Albert] Close the door!
- Shoot back, idiots!
797
00:38:13,500 --> 00:38:16,628
[Vanya] I will present the boss
with your head, Machina!
798
00:38:16,628 --> 00:38:17,713
Dad.
799
00:38:17,713 --> 00:38:19,881
I can't use that.
800
00:38:19,881 --> 00:38:22,467
After I read Mandela's biography,
801
00:38:22,467 --> 00:38:25,929
I made a vow of nonviolence.
802
00:38:25,929 --> 00:38:27,472
[Vanya] You are dead!
803
00:38:27,472 --> 00:38:28,682
Dead!
804
00:38:28,682 --> 00:38:30,892
Fine. I'm just gonna shoot him in the leg.
805
00:38:35,856 --> 00:38:36,732
[elevator chimes]
806
00:38:36,732 --> 00:38:39,818
[dramatic music playing]
807
00:38:46,158 --> 00:38:47,159
[music stops]
808
00:38:55,167 --> 00:38:58,128
[wailing sirens approaching]
809
00:38:58,128 --> 00:38:59,463
Let's go, dickheads!
810
00:38:59,463 --> 00:39:02,549
[tense music playing]
811
00:39:04,384 --> 00:39:05,510
[barking and growling]
812
00:39:06,219 --> 00:39:07,763
Goddamn it. Let go.
813
00:39:07,763 --> 00:39:09,931
No! I'm glad you're alive! Let go of me!
814
00:39:09,931 --> 00:39:12,142
- [Albert] Get in the car, son.
- I'm trying, Dad!
815
00:39:12,142 --> 00:39:15,228
[dramatic music playing]
816
00:39:26,531 --> 00:39:27,699
Sponge!
817
00:39:28,366 --> 00:39:30,118
[in Russian]
What happened to the fucking car?
818
00:39:30,702 --> 00:39:32,037
[Bert] So bad. This is not going away.
819
00:39:32,037 --> 00:39:33,371
We need to get on that train!
820
00:39:34,164 --> 00:39:35,582
I'm gonna meet the devil.
821
00:39:35,582 --> 00:39:37,250
I'm going to fucking hell.
822
00:39:37,250 --> 00:39:38,752
- Oh, shit.
- [Albert] I'm at my lake house.
823
00:39:38,752 --> 00:39:40,587
- Goddamn it.
- [Albert] The fish are jumping.
824
00:39:40,587 --> 00:39:44,424
- I'm having mac and cheese for dinner.
- Are you doing breathing exercises?
825
00:39:44,424 --> 00:39:46,551
You can't do breathing exercises
for murder, Dad.
826
00:39:46,551 --> 00:39:47,928
I killed a man.
827
00:39:47,928 --> 00:39:50,806
Well, technically, you killed several men.
828
00:39:50,806 --> 00:39:52,432
Oh, God! You're not helping!
829
00:39:52,432 --> 00:39:53,892
- [Irina in English] Hey.
- What?
830
00:39:54,976 --> 00:39:56,103
It happens.
831
00:39:56,103 --> 00:39:58,105
I'm not gonna start smoking cigarettes.
832
00:39:58,105 --> 00:40:01,024
No, it doesn't happen.
A speeding ticket, that happens.
833
00:40:01,024 --> 00:40:03,735
Shitting your pants at Best Buy,
that happens.
834
00:40:04,528 --> 00:40:06,446
My brother Vanya was an asshole.
835
00:40:06,446 --> 00:40:08,198
Oh!
836
00:40:08,198 --> 00:40:10,200
Brother? Like your real brother?
837
00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:12,244
Like your mom and dad
are the same mom and dad?
838
00:40:12,244 --> 00:40:13,411
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
839
00:40:13,411 --> 00:40:15,580
- I didn't know he was your brother.
- Don't be.
840
00:40:15,580 --> 00:40:17,666
There is a power struggle in the mob.
841
00:40:17,666 --> 00:40:20,377
As oldest,
I will inherit my father's empire,
842
00:40:20,377 --> 00:40:22,420
but Vanya wants control.
843
00:40:22,420 --> 00:40:23,964
Wanted control.
844
00:40:24,840 --> 00:40:27,092
- He's dead.
- Oh, my God.
845
00:40:27,092 --> 00:40:28,802
I'm still getting used to it.
846
00:40:28,802 --> 00:40:32,597
What the fuck is happening?
Get me the fuck out of here.
847
00:40:32,597 --> 00:40:35,016
Many others also want control.
848
00:40:35,016 --> 00:40:36,977
They say I cannot run mob
because I'm woman.
849
00:40:36,977 --> 00:40:38,103
This isn't happening.
850
00:40:38,103 --> 00:40:39,020
Boss.
851
00:40:39,688 --> 00:40:41,690
[Irina and Sponge speaking in Russian]
852
00:40:41,690 --> 00:40:42,774
Dad.
853
00:40:44,401 --> 00:40:46,736
Give me some life advice,
some words of wisdom.
854
00:40:48,446 --> 00:40:50,073
Everybody's got to die sometime.
855
00:40:50,740 --> 00:40:51,741
That's it?
856
00:40:52,367 --> 00:40:53,618
That's your advice?
857
00:40:53,618 --> 00:40:55,912
Well, what do you want me to say?
858
00:40:55,912 --> 00:40:58,498
That vulnerability is scary
and it's hard to open up?
859
00:40:58,498 --> 00:41:00,834
Yeah, Dad. That would've been great.
860
00:41:00,834 --> 00:41:02,085
[laughs] Son.
861
00:41:02,085 --> 00:41:04,546
It was your mother
that was the coddler, not me.
862
00:41:04,546 --> 00:41:05,714
[tires screech]
863
00:41:09,718 --> 00:41:11,011
[speaks in Russian]
864
00:41:11,011 --> 00:41:13,138
[Bert] Jesus. We got it, Sasquatch.
865
00:41:13,889 --> 00:41:16,349
[suspenseful music playing]
866
00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:26,568
Igor. Igor.
867
00:41:27,986 --> 00:41:29,154
I'm coming. I'm coming.
868
00:41:34,034 --> 00:41:34,868
Hey.
869
00:41:38,747 --> 00:41:41,291
My brother would have shot me
if he had a chance.
870
00:41:43,460 --> 00:41:46,254
Thank you for making his death very fast.
871
00:41:47,964 --> 00:41:50,091
Well, then, can I real quick
call my daughter,
872
00:41:50,091 --> 00:41:51,968
just to make sure she's okay?
873
00:41:51,968 --> 00:41:53,011
Don't push it.
874
00:41:55,555 --> 00:41:58,558
[music turns dramatic]
875
00:42:08,526 --> 00:42:11,613
Now, this is the kind
of Russian architecture I wanted to see.
876
00:42:11,613 --> 00:42:13,573
We're not on a sightseeing tour, Dad.
877
00:42:13,573 --> 00:42:14,908
[ominous music playing]
878
00:42:14,908 --> 00:42:17,118
Hey, Irina,
I think this is gonna be great.
879
00:42:17,118 --> 00:42:19,996
We'll find Igor, we'll get your watch,
and then you can let us go, right?
880
00:42:20,705 --> 00:42:21,998
Holy cow.
881
00:42:21,998 --> 00:42:24,125
This place hasn't changed a bit.
882
00:42:26,336 --> 00:42:28,004
Oh. Right there.
883
00:42:28,004 --> 00:42:30,340
That's where Igor introduced me
to the train banditti.
884
00:42:31,049 --> 00:42:33,593
I cannot go on your student trip
to Moscow.
885
00:42:33,593 --> 00:42:34,552
- What?
- Yeah.
886
00:42:34,552 --> 00:42:36,763
Different mafia runs train.
887
00:42:36,763 --> 00:42:38,473
Igor, what am I supposed to do here?
888
00:42:39,516 --> 00:42:40,934
What you always do.
889
00:42:41,476 --> 00:42:42,936
[in Russian] This is Machine!
890
00:42:43,728 --> 00:42:47,023
If you give Machine vodka,
you have great time.
891
00:42:48,233 --> 00:42:50,360
[in English]
Come on, show them your character.
892
00:42:50,360 --> 00:42:52,279
British horny man. Come on.
893
00:42:53,863 --> 00:42:56,533
[in British accent]
Do I make you horny, baby?
894
00:42:56,533 --> 00:42:58,952
[all laughing]
895
00:42:58,952 --> 00:43:01,913
- Do I make you randy? Yeah.
- It's classic.
896
00:43:01,913 --> 00:43:04,666
[Irina] You really like Austin Powers.
897
00:43:04,666 --> 00:43:07,335
Yeah. It was really big in the late '90s.
Give me a break, okay?
898
00:43:07,335 --> 00:43:08,712
I get it.
899
00:43:09,754 --> 00:43:11,381
I get why they liked you.
900
00:43:11,381 --> 00:43:12,507
Wow, thanks, Dad.
901
00:43:12,507 --> 00:43:15,927
Your toxic masculinity was lighthearted
and progressive to them.
902
00:43:15,927 --> 00:43:18,513
Yeah, well, your compliment sounds
a little bit like a slam.
903
00:43:18,513 --> 00:43:21,725
- Quiet, fucked-up father-son.
- [Sponge] Boss.
904
00:43:21,725 --> 00:43:23,935
[tense music playing]
905
00:43:23,935 --> 00:43:25,729
This is the Moscow line.
906
00:43:26,646 --> 00:43:29,899
If Igor runs trains,
this is where he will be.
907
00:43:30,650 --> 00:43:32,360
Be careful.
908
00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:34,237
Train mob is very dangerous.
909
00:43:34,237 --> 00:43:36,072
Don't worry. Igor's my boy.
910
00:43:36,072 --> 00:43:37,657
If he's here, we're all set.
911
00:43:37,657 --> 00:43:40,160
Yes, but he knows you.
912
00:43:40,160 --> 00:43:41,536
They don't.
913
00:43:41,536 --> 00:43:44,581
[Bert] They look like they're cosplaying
American History X.
914
00:43:44,581 --> 00:43:46,458
Let's go down further.
915
00:43:46,458 --> 00:43:47,834
Less eyes.
916
00:43:47,834 --> 00:43:50,920
[ominous music playing]
917
00:44:02,349 --> 00:44:03,350
Hello.
918
00:44:03,850 --> 00:44:06,102
[in Russian] You cannot park there.
919
00:44:11,024 --> 00:44:12,734
[in Russian] Bring me to Igor.
920
00:44:12,734 --> 00:44:14,361
Yes, sir.
921
00:44:14,944 --> 00:44:17,238
[train horn blows]
922
00:44:17,238 --> 00:44:19,574
[Bert] Doesn't that sound
mean the train's departing?
923
00:44:19,574 --> 00:44:21,826
- Get on!
- Wait, what's the plan? What are we doing?
924
00:44:21,826 --> 00:44:24,245
We stay on train till we find Igor.
925
00:44:24,245 --> 00:44:27,248
Get the plane, meet me in Moscow
with the rest of the men.
926
00:44:28,541 --> 00:44:31,378
I cannot believe
I'm doing this Moscow trip over again.
927
00:44:31,378 --> 00:44:32,837
- [Irina] Move.
- [Bert] Wow.
928
00:44:32,837 --> 00:44:35,632
This train smells exactly
like it did in '98.
929
00:44:36,800 --> 00:44:38,802
THE TRAIN
930
00:44:38,802 --> 00:44:41,930
[Young Bert groans]
It smells like cabbage and grandmas.
931
00:44:41,930 --> 00:44:45,600
So long, Saint Petersburg! Hello, Moscow!
932
00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:46,726
Oh, sorry.
933
00:44:46,726 --> 00:44:48,812
[chattering in Russian]
934
00:44:49,979 --> 00:44:52,649
Why does everyone here look like
they want to punch me in the face?
935
00:44:52,649 --> 00:44:54,526
It's improper to smile in Russia, Bert.
936
00:44:54,526 --> 00:44:56,069
You save it for the people you love.
937
00:44:56,903 --> 00:44:57,904
Do you?
938
00:44:58,571 --> 00:45:00,532
- Really?
- What even is that?
939
00:45:00,532 --> 00:45:03,618
So you want to stay up all night
in the bar car or...?
940
00:45:03,618 --> 00:45:07,163
I don't know how you can drink so much
and never gain any weight.
941
00:45:07,163 --> 00:45:09,124
I just have really great genes.
942
00:45:11,918 --> 00:45:14,421
Do you maybe want to hang
in my cabin instead?
943
00:45:15,380 --> 00:45:16,464
[Bert] I did.
944
00:45:16,464 --> 00:45:18,341
I definitely did.
945
00:45:18,341 --> 00:45:20,468
["The Sign" playing]
946
00:45:20,468 --> 00:45:21,970
Fucking idiot. Fuck.
947
00:45:22,762 --> 00:45:24,973
Thanks, Dad, for the dull fucking knife.
948
00:45:25,849 --> 00:45:30,645
{\an8}♪ How could a person like me care for you?
Why do I bother...? ♪
949
00:45:30,645 --> 00:45:32,522
Ash. Hey.
950
00:45:36,568 --> 00:45:41,406
♪ No
I saw the sign... ♪
951
00:45:41,406 --> 00:45:42,323
Yeah.
952
00:45:42,991 --> 00:45:44,367
Fucking ow.
953
00:45:44,367 --> 00:45:46,786
♪ Without understanding... ♪
954
00:45:46,786 --> 00:45:47,704
Oh, jeez.
955
00:45:49,289 --> 00:45:50,331
Way too much.
956
00:45:50,331 --> 00:45:52,208
♪ I saw the sign ♪
957
00:45:52,208 --> 00:45:53,293
Yeah.
958
00:45:53,293 --> 00:45:59,090
♪ I saw the sign ♪
959
00:46:00,049 --> 00:46:03,261
♪ And it opened up my eyes
I saw the sign ♪
960
00:46:03,261 --> 00:46:05,096
- Hey.
- Hey, what are you doing?
961
00:46:05,096 --> 00:46:06,890
Uh, not much.
962
00:46:06,890 --> 00:46:08,850
I don't know. It's pretty crazy in there.
963
00:46:09,559 --> 00:46:11,603
So you still want to hang out?
It's cool if not.
964
00:46:11,603 --> 00:46:13,897
You know, I'm a big fan
of romantic buildup.
965
00:46:13,897 --> 00:46:14,814
[Ashley] Oh, yeah?
966
00:46:14,814 --> 00:46:17,650
[Bert] Yeah. Like, I don't even think Ross
and Rachel should be together yet.
967
00:46:17,650 --> 00:46:18,610
[Ashley] No way. Me neither.
968
00:46:18,610 --> 00:46:20,695
- [Bert] Right? Save it for the millennium.
- [Ashley] Yeah.
969
00:46:20,695 --> 00:46:22,447
- I kind of think we should...
- [Fedor] You.
970
00:46:22,447 --> 00:46:24,991
[suspenseful music playing]
971
00:46:24,991 --> 00:46:26,075
Hey.
972
00:46:27,911 --> 00:46:30,038
You are one they call Machine?
973
00:46:31,915 --> 00:46:33,625
Yeah, uh, that's me.
974
00:46:34,292 --> 00:46:35,251
[Fedor] Hm.
975
00:46:38,129 --> 00:46:40,215
[Bert]
Fedor was the boss of the train banditti.
976
00:46:40,215 --> 00:46:42,050
He smelled like nicotine patches
977
00:46:42,050 --> 00:46:44,844
and looked at me
the way Ted Bundy looked at coeds.
978
00:46:44,844 --> 00:46:46,804
It was horrible.
979
00:46:46,804 --> 00:46:50,141
Machine does not ride
with the peasants. Come, come.
980
00:46:52,852 --> 00:46:56,523
Uh, Ashley, I'm gonna go hang out
with these scary dudes for a little bit,
981
00:46:56,523 --> 00:46:58,900
and then I'll be right back, okay?
I'll check back in.
982
00:46:58,900 --> 00:47:01,069
FYI, I'm a good bed sharer.
983
00:47:01,069 --> 00:47:03,279
Okay? Fun to cuddle with,
no night farts...
984
00:47:03,279 --> 00:47:06,783
[Albert] You left that girl,
so you could hang out with a criminal?
985
00:47:06,783 --> 00:47:09,452
[Irina] He's right. She was a sure thing.
986
00:47:09,452 --> 00:47:12,830
[Bert] Yeah, well, I've never been good
with sure things.
987
00:47:12,830 --> 00:47:14,874
But Fedor took me to the bar car.
988
00:47:14,874 --> 00:47:18,670
This place had booze, drugs,
and here's the real gangster part.
989
00:47:18,670 --> 00:47:21,005
[in Russian] This is the Machine.
990
00:47:21,589 --> 00:47:23,091
[cheering]
991
00:47:23,091 --> 00:47:24,384
[Bert] They knew who I was.
992
00:47:25,301 --> 00:47:27,053
[in English] They like you, huh?
993
00:47:27,971 --> 00:47:30,598
[Bert]
I guarantee this is where we'll find Igor.
994
00:47:32,517 --> 00:47:33,351
Wow.
995
00:47:33,351 --> 00:47:35,395
I guess nobody parties
in the bar car anymore.
996
00:47:35,395 --> 00:47:37,230
[Irina] Hm. Especially Igor.
997
00:47:39,816 --> 00:47:42,235
You know, 23-year-old me loved this place.
998
00:47:42,235 --> 00:47:44,112
Now it looks like a truck-stop bathroom.
999
00:47:44,779 --> 00:47:48,408
I think your therapist would call that
"growth people notice."
1000
00:47:50,243 --> 00:47:51,244
Wait.
1001
00:47:52,370 --> 00:47:53,997
Did LeeAnn tell you I was in therapy?
1002
00:47:54,914 --> 00:47:55,832
[exhales]
1003
00:47:56,332 --> 00:47:57,333
Well...
1004
00:47:58,251 --> 00:48:00,587
when she called to invite me to the party,
1005
00:48:00,587 --> 00:48:02,755
she opened up about
what you're going through.
1006
00:48:02,755 --> 00:48:06,009
After Sasha's arrest,
we were both worried you'd...
1007
00:48:06,509 --> 00:48:08,052
well, you know, mess up again.
1008
00:48:08,052 --> 00:48:09,887
Motherfucker!
1009
00:48:09,887 --> 00:48:11,264
Does no one trust me?
1010
00:48:11,264 --> 00:48:13,766
Or am I the guy
that's only gonna mess up again?
1011
00:48:13,766 --> 00:48:15,602
- You're making a scene.
- A scene?
1012
00:48:15,602 --> 00:48:18,563
I pay my bills by making a scene!
1013
00:48:18,563 --> 00:48:21,024
I rip my shirt off and yell,
"I'm the Machine!"
1014
00:48:21,024 --> 00:48:22,108
[man] Hey!
1015
00:48:22,108 --> 00:48:25,612
- [ominous music playing]
- Who says, "I am Machine"?
1016
00:48:27,238 --> 00:48:28,239
You?
1017
00:48:29,157 --> 00:48:31,618
They say Machine can walk through walls.
1018
00:48:32,493 --> 00:48:34,329
Only a ghost can do that.
1019
00:48:35,330 --> 00:48:36,331
You...
1020
00:48:37,123 --> 00:48:38,124
you are not Machine.
1021
00:48:41,210 --> 00:48:43,713
You want to see the fucking Machine?
They want to see the Machine.
1022
00:48:43,713 --> 00:48:46,049
- You're getting the fucking Machine.
- Hey, where you going?
1023
00:48:46,049 --> 00:48:48,259
First up,
I don't normally do this for free.
1024
00:48:48,259 --> 00:48:50,053
Secondly, you're dressed like dickheads.
1025
00:48:50,053 --> 00:48:52,055
Matching Nazi dickheads.
1026
00:48:52,055 --> 00:48:54,349
And third, you say it three times
and he shows up.
1027
00:48:54,349 --> 00:48:55,642
It's a lot like Candyman.
1028
00:48:56,225 --> 00:48:57,769
{\an8}You've already said it twice.
1029
00:48:59,270 --> 00:49:00,271
That's me.
1030
00:49:01,064 --> 00:49:04,400
That's me on this bottle of vodka
that says "The Machine."
1031
00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:05,568
[Albert] What are you doing?
1032
00:49:05,568 --> 00:49:07,111
- Dad, sit down!
- Ah!
1033
00:49:08,696 --> 00:49:10,698
[man in Russian]
I think we need to call the boss.
1034
00:49:11,491 --> 00:49:12,909
[phone beeps, then line dialing]
1035
00:49:12,909 --> 00:49:14,702
- Igor.
- Igor?
1036
00:49:14,702 --> 00:49:16,954
[man continues in Russian]
This guy says he's the Machine.
1037
00:49:17,622 --> 00:49:19,374
Igor, it's your boy Bert.
1038
00:49:19,374 --> 00:49:21,918
You better have my watch, bitch.
Finish it up.
1039
00:49:22,627 --> 00:49:25,463
He looks like the cartoon
on the vodka bottle.
1040
00:49:25,838 --> 00:49:29,217
Only fatter. Yeah, with big titties.
1041
00:49:30,134 --> 00:49:34,013
Someone is with him.
Volgovitch's daughter.
1042
00:49:35,515 --> 00:49:37,600
Go to VIP car.
1043
00:49:42,355 --> 00:49:45,817
[in English] Igor want to see you.
He will come to the bar car soon.
1044
00:49:50,071 --> 00:49:53,991
But before that,
it would be an honor to party with you...
1045
00:49:54,826 --> 00:49:55,827
Machine.
1046
00:50:00,415 --> 00:50:01,708
[Bert] Strasvutsia, bitches.
1047
00:50:02,417 --> 00:50:03,251
Let's do it.
1048
00:50:03,251 --> 00:50:05,002
[laughs]
1049
00:50:07,255 --> 00:50:09,924
[Igor] You do drink like Russian.
1050
00:50:11,134 --> 00:50:12,885
[speaks in Russian]
1051
00:50:12,885 --> 00:50:15,972
- Alcohol is the universal language.
- [Igor in English] Yes.
1052
00:50:15,972 --> 00:50:18,141
We're all drunk on the inside.
1053
00:50:20,727 --> 00:50:24,397
So when do we meet the real Machine, huh?
1054
00:50:25,565 --> 00:50:26,858
All right, listen up.
1055
00:50:27,525 --> 00:50:29,360
♪ I did it all for the nookie ♪
1056
00:50:29,360 --> 00:50:30,278
♪ Come on ♪
1057
00:50:30,278 --> 00:50:31,404
- ♪ The nookie ♪
- ♪ Come on ♪
1058
00:50:31,404 --> 00:50:32,822
♪ So you can take that cookie ♪
1059
00:50:32,822 --> 00:50:35,992
♪ And stick it up your asshole
Stick it up your asshole ♪
1060
00:50:35,992 --> 00:50:37,368
♪ Stick it up your asshole... ♪
1061
00:50:37,368 --> 00:50:40,121
Hey! Hey, excuse me!
1062
00:50:40,121 --> 00:50:42,039
Yo, teach. Hey, check it out.
1063
00:50:42,039 --> 00:50:44,876
I'm culturally bonding
with the indigenous citizens.
1064
00:50:44,876 --> 00:50:48,880
Get your ass back to your cabin now!
1065
00:50:49,797 --> 00:50:51,424
♪ I did it all for the nookie ♪
1066
00:50:51,424 --> 00:50:53,259
- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ The nookie ♪
1067
00:50:53,259 --> 00:50:55,178
- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ So you can take that cookie... ♪
1068
00:50:55,178 --> 00:50:57,180
[yelling mockingly]
1069
00:50:57,180 --> 00:50:59,390
Fuck that bitch!
1070
00:50:59,390 --> 00:51:00,892
This is...
1071
00:51:00,892 --> 00:51:03,269
[all] Russia!
1072
00:51:03,269 --> 00:51:06,355
[Bert] Dad, you said I had to go
to Russia to find myself.
1073
00:51:06,355 --> 00:51:07,482
Well, I did.
1074
00:51:07,482 --> 00:51:10,902
- I'm king of the world!
- [Russians cheering]
1075
00:51:11,527 --> 00:51:13,029
[Bert] That's how I felt.
1076
00:51:13,029 --> 00:51:14,614
I was king of the world.
1077
00:51:15,281 --> 00:51:16,157
[Irina] Titanic?
1078
00:51:16,157 --> 00:51:17,325
[Bert] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1079
00:51:17,325 --> 00:51:19,702
I was stealing wholesale
from A-list movies,
1080
00:51:19,702 --> 00:51:20,912
but it worked.
1081
00:51:20,912 --> 00:51:22,538
Let me tell you something.
1082
00:51:22,538 --> 00:51:26,459
Entertaining criminals
and sex workers was amazing.
1083
00:51:26,459 --> 00:51:28,336
Maybe that's why I do so well
in Florida, huh?
1084
00:51:28,336 --> 00:51:29,629
[laughing]
1085
00:51:29,629 --> 00:51:30,963
They don't even get it.
1086
00:51:33,132 --> 00:51:35,009
Tell us more stories, Machine.
1087
00:51:35,009 --> 00:51:37,053
The bar car was a blast.
1088
00:51:37,053 --> 00:51:39,388
But it's also where shit got real.
1089
00:51:39,388 --> 00:51:41,182
Uh, what do you want, Fedor?
1090
00:51:41,182 --> 00:51:42,642
[speaks in Russian]
1091
00:51:42,642 --> 00:51:44,977
Bread. Okay, cool. Wait.
1092
00:51:45,853 --> 00:51:47,647
- I knew you said "bread."
- [in English] Yes.
1093
00:51:47,647 --> 00:51:49,524
I'm picking up the language.
Give me another one, come on.
1094
00:51:49,524 --> 00:51:50,733
[speaks in Russian]
1095
00:51:50,733 --> 00:51:51,859
Cheese.
1096
00:51:51,859 --> 00:51:53,611
I'm basically fluent.
1097
00:51:54,904 --> 00:51:56,614
[speaks in Russian]
1098
00:51:57,198 --> 00:51:58,825
Uh... money. Got it.
1099
00:51:58,825 --> 00:52:00,243
Cool. Um...
1100
00:52:01,369 --> 00:52:03,454
Oh, no, are we robbing this guy?
1101
00:52:04,372 --> 00:52:05,540
Yeah, I don't...
1102
00:52:05,540 --> 00:52:07,500
I don't really want to rob anyone.
1103
00:52:07,500 --> 00:52:09,335
[Igor in English] Yes, you do.
1104
00:52:09,335 --> 00:52:11,254
[tense music playing]
1105
00:52:11,254 --> 00:52:13,381
Do it. Pussy.
1106
00:52:15,049 --> 00:52:18,886
First him, then train.
1107
00:52:18,886 --> 00:52:20,680
So that's what we did.
1108
00:52:20,680 --> 00:52:22,056
- We robbed the train.
- [man] Yeah.
1109
00:52:22,849 --> 00:52:25,852
["The Fear" playing]
1110
00:52:27,395 --> 00:52:29,272
[Bert] I was terrified.
1111
00:52:30,439 --> 00:52:32,108
They were practically giddy.
1112
00:52:34,902 --> 00:52:38,948
♪ This is our
"Music from A Bachelor's Den"... ♪
1113
00:52:40,533 --> 00:52:41,617
[Igor] Let's go.
1114
00:52:42,869 --> 00:52:44,537
[Bert] Fedor kept feeding me booze.
1115
00:52:44,537 --> 00:52:48,249
Now you drink vodka.
1116
00:52:48,249 --> 00:52:49,709
[speaks in Russian]
1117
00:52:49,709 --> 00:52:51,335
[in English] Let's go. Drink.
1118
00:52:52,545 --> 00:52:53,546
That's it.
1119
00:52:56,173 --> 00:52:58,718
[Bert] I was completely out of control.
1120
00:52:58,718 --> 00:53:01,470
I mean, the rush of it.
Turned into a thrill.
1121
00:53:01,470 --> 00:53:02,597
This is my room.
1122
00:53:03,347 --> 00:53:06,934
I was robbing the train
with the Russian mafia.
1123
00:53:06,934 --> 00:53:08,561
And I wasn't dying.
1124
00:53:08,561 --> 00:53:11,439
[Young Bert]
That's all my-- That's all my stuff.
1125
00:53:11,439 --> 00:53:13,774
Wait, wait, wait.
You're actually taking my stuff?
1126
00:53:14,567 --> 00:53:17,987
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's my dad's, uh, knife.
1127
00:53:17,987 --> 00:53:19,488
You can't take that.
1128
00:53:19,488 --> 00:53:20,948
No, no, no.
1129
00:53:20,948 --> 00:53:23,910
You can take the other stuff.
But the knife?
1130
00:53:24,452 --> 00:53:26,037
- That's my dad's.
- [Igor] Really?
1131
00:53:26,037 --> 00:53:27,455
No go.
1132
00:53:27,455 --> 00:53:29,582
I can't take, huh?
1133
00:53:30,583 --> 00:53:31,959
I'm sorry, Dad.
1134
00:53:33,085 --> 00:53:34,253
I let him steal it.
1135
00:53:34,253 --> 00:53:35,671
[Young Bert] It's all yours.
1136
00:53:35,671 --> 00:53:37,798
[laughing]
1137
00:53:40,551 --> 00:53:42,261
Machine.
1138
00:53:42,970 --> 00:53:43,804
Wow.
1139
00:53:44,430 --> 00:53:46,098
I would've cut out his heart
1140
00:53:46,098 --> 00:53:49,060
and make him watch it stop beating
with his last breath.
1141
00:53:50,603 --> 00:53:52,605
I guess we're just built different.
1142
00:53:52,605 --> 00:53:53,689
The watch.
1143
00:53:55,274 --> 00:53:56,901
[Bert] Once I got really drunk...
1144
00:53:58,903 --> 00:54:00,279
I robbed my class.
1145
00:54:01,405 --> 00:54:02,865
I robbed my whole class.
1146
00:54:03,699 --> 00:54:05,368
[Ashley] What the hell? Get out.
1147
00:54:07,703 --> 00:54:10,456
Fuck that bitch. This is Russia.
1148
00:54:15,252 --> 00:54:16,379
Ash.
1149
00:54:16,379 --> 00:54:17,505
I'm...
1150
00:54:17,505 --> 00:54:20,883
Whoa! Woman hit man?
1151
00:54:20,883 --> 00:54:23,094
That is new. [laughs]
1152
00:54:23,094 --> 00:54:26,973
I felt like a complete
and total piece of shit.
1153
00:54:27,890 --> 00:54:31,268
Give it. Fast, fast. Give me ring.
1154
00:54:31,978 --> 00:54:34,730
Let's go. [speaks in Russian]
1155
00:54:36,857 --> 00:54:39,193
- Okay?
- That's it.
1156
00:54:39,193 --> 00:54:40,569
- Good boy.
- Okay.
1157
00:54:40,569 --> 00:54:43,656
[poignant music playing]
1158
00:54:45,491 --> 00:54:46,826
I'll get it back.
1159
00:54:47,326 --> 00:54:48,494
I promise.
1160
00:54:50,162 --> 00:54:51,205
I'm sorry, Ash.
1161
00:54:51,747 --> 00:54:52,665
Yeah, fuck you.
1162
00:54:55,376 --> 00:54:57,253
Machine is the man.
1163
00:54:57,253 --> 00:55:01,340
Hey. Machine.
Igor need us in front of train.
1164
00:55:01,340 --> 00:55:03,342
You wait here. We come back with him.
1165
00:55:03,342 --> 00:55:04,510
Machine!
1166
00:55:05,344 --> 00:55:08,639
[in Russian] Enough of this pussy shit!
1167
00:55:09,432 --> 00:55:11,767
Do you talk about that part with...?
1168
00:55:12,810 --> 00:55:14,812
With Ashley when you do your show?
1169
00:55:14,812 --> 00:55:16,230
Obviously not, Dad.
1170
00:55:19,483 --> 00:55:21,318
But I think about it sometimes.
1171
00:55:21,902 --> 00:55:24,905
I think I liked that story better
when I thought it was a lie.
1172
00:55:30,578 --> 00:55:34,123
And then what? Story of you being
stupid idiot asshole is sad,
1173
00:55:34,123 --> 00:55:37,543
but you need to remember my watch.
1174
00:55:37,543 --> 00:55:39,587
[pensive music playing]
1175
00:55:39,587 --> 00:55:42,673
[Igor laughing and speaking in Russian]
1176
00:55:45,551 --> 00:55:47,053
Oh! [laughs]
1177
00:55:49,847 --> 00:55:51,057
I remember.
1178
00:55:51,557 --> 00:55:53,809
There was one last private cabin.
1179
00:55:53,809 --> 00:55:56,896
{\an8}[ominous music playing]
1180
00:55:58,147 --> 00:56:02,485
{\an8}[in Russian] Please don't.
It's a family heirloom.
1181
00:56:02,485 --> 00:56:04,695
[in Russian] Fuck your heirloom.
1182
00:56:05,446 --> 00:56:06,447
[in English] Do it.
1183
00:56:08,991 --> 00:56:09,992
Sorry.
1184
00:56:19,585 --> 00:56:22,588
[pensive classical music playing]
1185
00:56:38,854 --> 00:56:40,564
That was the watch.
1186
00:56:43,651 --> 00:56:45,444
My father was no criminal.
1187
00:56:47,238 --> 00:56:48,697
He was a salesman.
1188
00:56:50,241 --> 00:56:53,828
And then you stole
the only thing he ever cared about.
1189
00:56:54,703 --> 00:56:57,248
He called police,
but no one would help him.
1190
00:56:57,957 --> 00:57:00,376
It made him say, "Fuck honest living!
1191
00:57:00,376 --> 00:57:03,295
If you want respect, you have to take it."
1192
00:57:04,380 --> 00:57:07,967
And from there, he built our family.
1193
00:57:12,138 --> 00:57:13,305
Oh, my God.
1194
00:57:14,598 --> 00:57:16,559
I'm your origin story.
1195
00:57:17,226 --> 00:57:19,019
Most people see themselves as Batman...
1196
00:57:20,563 --> 00:57:22,648
not the guy who killed Batman's parents.
1197
00:57:22,648 --> 00:57:25,276
What did you do
with the watch after that?
1198
00:57:25,276 --> 00:57:27,403
We went back to the bar car.
1199
00:57:27,403 --> 00:57:29,822
Fedor went through all the stuff
that we stole.
1200
00:57:29,822 --> 00:57:32,908
[dramatic music playing]
1201
00:57:36,287 --> 00:57:38,205
- Ugh...
- [watch playing pensive classical music]
1202
00:57:38,205 --> 00:57:40,833
I hate this song.
1203
00:57:43,377 --> 00:57:45,462
Listen, in Russia,
1204
00:57:46,380 --> 00:57:50,467
we always give gifts to a new friend.
1205
00:57:51,093 --> 00:57:52,344
Take, Machine.
1206
00:57:54,263 --> 00:57:55,931
He gave you the watch?
1207
00:57:57,099 --> 00:58:00,019
- Where is it, Bert? I need to know.
- [Bert] I don't know.
1208
00:58:00,019 --> 00:58:01,061
[man] Machine.
1209
00:58:02,396 --> 00:58:04,023
Igor is here.
1210
00:58:06,025 --> 00:58:10,237
Igor, I present to you the Machine.
1211
00:58:10,779 --> 00:58:13,032
[tense music playing]
1212
00:58:14,491 --> 00:58:15,492
[Igor speaks in Russian]
1213
00:58:15,492 --> 00:58:18,204
Your friend has aged even worse than you.
1214
00:58:19,413 --> 00:58:21,540
[in English] My men say:
1215
00:58:22,166 --> 00:58:26,629
"Come to meet famous Machine
from a vodka bottle."
1216
00:58:26,629 --> 00:58:28,380
I say, "Why not?
1217
00:58:28,380 --> 00:58:29,924
You can take selfie."
1218
00:58:31,258 --> 00:58:33,052
But you're not famous.
1219
00:58:35,554 --> 00:58:37,264
You have tits.
1220
00:58:38,307 --> 00:58:39,850
Yeah, we've established that.
1221
00:58:39,850 --> 00:58:42,311
I don't know this guy. This isn't Igor.
1222
00:58:42,311 --> 00:58:43,604
Who are you?
1223
00:58:43,604 --> 00:58:46,440
I knew old Igor. My name is also Igor.
1224
00:58:47,233 --> 00:58:49,985
I took train from him, make him disappear.
1225
00:58:51,237 --> 00:58:52,404
My train now.
1226
00:58:53,030 --> 00:58:54,615
Wait, Igor's dead?
1227
00:58:55,157 --> 00:58:55,991
Yeah.
1228
00:58:56,492 --> 00:58:58,827
- And you're gonna die also.
- [Irina] Enough.
1229
00:59:00,329 --> 00:59:02,873
I'm Irina Ivanona Volgina.
1230
00:59:03,582 --> 00:59:05,376
You know who my father is.
1231
00:59:06,001 --> 00:59:08,921
These two dipshits belong to me.
1232
00:59:08,921 --> 00:59:12,800
Now go, if you want to live
to see your children again.
1233
00:59:14,551 --> 00:59:15,678
Stupid bitch.
1234
00:59:16,512 --> 00:59:18,264
You think I didn't ask for permission?
1235
00:59:18,931 --> 00:59:20,140
Permission?
1236
00:59:25,771 --> 00:59:26,814
[Albert growls]
1237
00:59:27,982 --> 00:59:29,400
All right!
1238
00:59:30,401 --> 00:59:31,735
Listen up.
1239
00:59:32,361 --> 00:59:34,321
- Never show fear, right?
- Yeah.
1240
00:59:34,321 --> 00:59:35,239
Now, look.
1241
00:59:35,781 --> 00:59:37,491
[Bert]
Wait, that's the knife you gave me.
1242
00:59:37,491 --> 00:59:39,952
No. I gave you one just like it.
1243
00:59:39,952 --> 00:59:41,912
I knew you couldn't be trusted
with the original.
1244
00:59:41,912 --> 00:59:43,789
- I'm not an idiot.
- Oh, my God.
1245
00:59:43,789 --> 00:59:45,833
You heard me pining about that knife.
1246
00:59:45,833 --> 00:59:48,794
You knew I felt guilty for losing it
for like 25 years!
1247
00:59:48,794 --> 00:59:49,962
That's enough.
1248
00:59:50,546 --> 00:59:52,172
[Bert] Dad, stab this bald fucker.
1249
00:59:52,172 --> 00:59:53,549
I'm sorry, son.
1250
00:59:54,133 --> 00:59:55,467
- But...
- [Bert] I can't breathe.
1251
00:59:55,467 --> 00:59:59,847
...I swore I would never use
a weapon for violence.
1252
01:00:09,732 --> 01:00:10,566
[in Russian] Hello.
1253
01:00:10,566 --> 01:00:13,652
[dramatic music playing]
1254
01:00:13,652 --> 01:00:14,820
[Bert] Whoa!
1255
01:00:15,654 --> 01:00:16,780
Oh, my God.
1256
01:00:17,573 --> 01:00:18,949
She cut his throat, Dad.
1257
01:00:18,949 --> 01:00:20,951
Oh, no, don't touch it. It's bad.
1258
01:00:20,951 --> 01:00:22,536
Oh, why is he touching it?
1259
01:00:22,536 --> 01:00:24,705
Oh, no. Why are you smiling?
1260
01:00:25,622 --> 01:00:27,041
Stop. Stop right there. Stop.
1261
01:00:27,041 --> 01:00:29,460
What am I supposed to do, Dad?
What am I supposed to do?
1262
01:00:29,460 --> 01:00:30,544
Hit him, son.
1263
01:00:34,048 --> 01:00:35,132
[screams]
1264
01:00:35,132 --> 01:00:36,842
Oh, my God, Dad, I'm inside him!
1265
01:00:36,842 --> 01:00:39,636
- Oh, my God! [screaming]
- [Igor grunting]
1266
01:00:40,721 --> 01:00:43,349
Let go of my arm! I'll try to get it out!
1267
01:00:43,349 --> 01:00:45,059
He's so warm!
1268
01:00:45,059 --> 01:00:47,603
No, no, no, no, no! God!
1269
01:00:52,274 --> 01:00:54,401
God! Help me let go!
1270
01:00:54,401 --> 01:00:56,236
God! You're, like, fisting his neck.
1271
01:00:56,236 --> 01:00:57,446
Help me!
1272
01:00:57,446 --> 01:00:59,281
Son of a bitch! God!
1273
01:00:59,281 --> 01:01:01,909
It's like a pickle jar.
Just let go of the pickle.
1274
01:01:01,909 --> 01:01:04,745
Damn it, Dad.
It's nothing like a pickle jar!
1275
01:01:04,745 --> 01:01:05,829
Oh, shit!
1276
01:01:05,829 --> 01:01:07,539
- Incoming!
- [crossing alarm ringing]
1277
01:01:07,539 --> 01:01:10,084
Pull, pull, pull, pull,
pull, pull, pull, pull!
1278
01:01:13,003 --> 01:01:15,714
[both screaming]
1279
01:01:15,714 --> 01:01:16,799
Oh, my God!
1280
01:01:16,799 --> 01:01:18,634
Get it off! Get it off me!
1281
01:01:18,634 --> 01:01:20,010
Get it off me!
1282
01:01:20,010 --> 01:01:21,887
No, not that way! The other way!
1283
01:01:21,887 --> 01:01:23,180
[yells]
1284
01:01:25,641 --> 01:01:29,061
Hey, were you saying "pull" or "pole"?
1285
01:01:29,061 --> 01:01:31,563
Does it really fucking matter, Dad?!
1286
01:01:32,231 --> 01:01:34,233
Why did he say
he had permission to kill us?
1287
01:01:36,026 --> 01:01:38,278
I know where we can find out.
1288
01:01:38,278 --> 01:01:40,364
[laughing and chattering]
1289
01:01:42,116 --> 01:01:44,868
Uh, hello.
Can I have your attention, please?
1290
01:01:45,452 --> 01:01:49,039
We're here looking
for whoever sent that large, bald man
1291
01:01:49,039 --> 01:01:51,041
to kill me and my son.
1292
01:01:51,041 --> 01:01:52,334
[Bert] Dad. Hey, Dad.
1293
01:01:53,001 --> 01:01:53,836
Dad.
1294
01:01:53,836 --> 01:01:55,796
Maybe ease up on the Russian mafia, okay?
1295
01:01:55,796 --> 01:01:58,507
[dramatic music playing]
1296
01:02:04,972 --> 01:02:07,182
- [Irina] Alexei.
- Hm. It is so nice to see you, sister.
1297
01:02:07,182 --> 01:02:08,100
ALEXEI
1298
01:02:08,100 --> 01:02:10,561
- You have another brother?
- [Irina] Mm.
1299
01:02:10,561 --> 01:02:13,230
[Alexei] Da. Three of us. Now two.
1300
01:02:13,230 --> 01:02:14,898
But thank you for killing him.
1301
01:02:15,899 --> 01:02:17,734
He was pain in ass.
1302
01:02:19,027 --> 01:02:20,487
And very stupid.
1303
01:02:21,905 --> 01:02:23,907
You have the meanest family of all time.
1304
01:02:23,907 --> 01:02:26,577
Kind of you to say, Machine.
1305
01:02:27,286 --> 01:02:30,497
I can't agree with your methods
or your business model,
1306
01:02:30,497 --> 01:02:32,833
but it warms my heart to see a son
1307
01:02:32,833 --> 01:02:35,461
willing to take on his father's legacy.
1308
01:02:35,461 --> 01:02:38,464
Albert, Machine's father.
1309
01:02:38,464 --> 01:02:39,548
[laughs]
1310
01:02:40,632 --> 01:02:41,884
Oh, sister.
1311
01:02:41,884 --> 01:02:44,761
I intend to bring our father
the watch Machine stole.
1312
01:02:44,761 --> 01:02:46,096
It is over.
1313
01:02:47,181 --> 01:02:48,348
Give me Machine.
1314
01:02:48,348 --> 01:02:50,309
Machine leads me to watch.
1315
01:02:50,309 --> 01:02:51,768
I win.
1316
01:02:51,768 --> 01:02:53,812
All right. You win.
1317
01:02:53,812 --> 01:02:55,189
You get the watch.
1318
01:02:57,024 --> 01:02:58,233
It is here?
1319
01:02:58,233 --> 01:03:00,068
Oh, yeah. It is here.
1320
01:03:01,278 --> 01:03:02,154
In this room.
1321
01:03:03,989 --> 01:03:06,867
We don't have it. We came to collect it.
1322
01:03:10,037 --> 01:03:10,913
From him.
1323
01:03:11,455 --> 01:03:12,581
Keyser Söze.
1324
01:03:13,832 --> 01:03:15,417
Keyser Söze?
1325
01:03:15,417 --> 01:03:18,128
Yeah, he has it. Go ahead, give it to him.
1326
01:03:18,128 --> 01:03:20,047
[man speaks in Russian]
Who the fuck is Keyser Soze?
1327
01:03:20,047 --> 01:03:22,216
- [speaks in Russian]
- [Bert] Yep, it's his now.
1328
01:03:22,216 --> 01:03:24,843
- I'm out of the equation.
- [suspenseful music playing]
1329
01:03:24,843 --> 01:03:27,930
- [speaks in Russian]
- [Alexei speaks in Russian]
1330
01:03:32,518 --> 01:03:34,186
[dramatic music playing]
1331
01:03:34,186 --> 01:03:35,521
Where are we going?
1332
01:03:35,521 --> 01:03:36,939
You're gonna get us all killed!
1333
01:03:36,939 --> 01:03:38,273
Shut up and run.
1334
01:03:40,275 --> 01:03:41,318
There we go.
1335
01:03:52,454 --> 01:03:53,455
[Irina] Fuck!
1336
01:03:54,206 --> 01:03:56,208
[tense music playing]
1337
01:03:56,208 --> 01:03:59,670
Tsk, tsk, tsk. You make me chase you.
1338
01:04:02,589 --> 01:04:03,799
Not nice.
1339
01:04:06,051 --> 01:04:08,011
You think you're so cool.
1340
01:04:08,804 --> 01:04:12,057
Sister, do you really think
you'd take over family?
1341
01:04:14,309 --> 01:04:15,310
Why?
1342
01:04:16,770 --> 01:04:18,605
I'm strong. I'm smart.
1343
01:04:18,605 --> 01:04:20,566
Please. You are a woman.
1344
01:04:22,734 --> 01:04:24,319
The world is changing.
1345
01:04:25,153 --> 01:04:26,655
Even for our family.
1346
01:04:26,655 --> 01:04:30,492
Father and I,
we laugh about your delusions.
1347
01:04:33,704 --> 01:04:36,999
You and Father always underestimate me.
1348
01:04:38,709 --> 01:04:39,793
But you know what?
1349
01:04:41,461 --> 01:04:43,714
I deserve to be treated as an equal.
1350
01:04:44,673 --> 01:04:45,674
Agreed.
1351
01:04:52,556 --> 01:04:53,557
Huh.
1352
01:04:54,766 --> 01:04:56,685
[dramatic music playing]
1353
01:05:04,943 --> 01:05:06,361
- [Alexei] Hey.
- Jesus.
1354
01:05:06,361 --> 01:05:08,238
I like this feminism thing.
1355
01:05:09,406 --> 01:05:12,743
And if you don't want me
to kill your father next,
1356
01:05:13,285 --> 01:05:15,120
you will take me to the watch.
1357
01:05:15,120 --> 01:05:18,165
[Bert] All right. Stop, stop, stop, stop.
I'm gonna do whatever you want.
1358
01:05:18,165 --> 01:05:20,375
Don't hurt my father, okay?
Give me a second.
1359
01:05:20,375 --> 01:05:22,419
Dad. Dad, Dad, Dad.
Listen to me. Listen to me.
1360
01:05:22,419 --> 01:05:23,837
We're gonna be fine.
We're gonna be a team.
1361
01:05:23,837 --> 01:05:25,380
Dad, listen to me right now, okay?
1362
01:05:25,380 --> 01:05:27,966
Butch Cassidy and Sundance.
End of the movie, Dad.
1363
01:05:27,966 --> 01:05:30,510
- Waterfall. We're gonna waterfall.
- Enough.
1364
01:05:32,971 --> 01:05:35,057
This is for your own good.
1365
01:05:35,932 --> 01:05:38,602
[pensive classical music playing]
1366
01:05:41,980 --> 01:05:46,068
[screams] Dad!
1367
01:05:56,953 --> 01:06:00,040
My son is a moron.
You were wasting your time.
1368
01:06:00,040 --> 01:06:01,667
I'll help find your watch.
1369
01:06:02,292 --> 01:06:06,338
But only if you promise
to keep my granddaughter safe.
1370
01:06:06,338 --> 01:06:09,424
[ominous music playing]
1371
01:06:09,424 --> 01:06:10,509
[laughs]
1372
01:06:12,636 --> 01:06:15,472
You are a very good father.
1373
01:06:27,401 --> 01:06:28,735
[Sasha] A cop pulled us over.
1374
01:06:28,735 --> 01:06:30,362
Dad, there's a cop.
1375
01:06:30,362 --> 01:06:33,365
Officer, no,
I don't have a driver's license.
1376
01:06:33,365 --> 01:06:35,450
My dad's in the backseat.
1377
01:06:35,450 --> 01:06:38,120
Dad, stop. Shit, Dad.
1378
01:06:38,120 --> 01:06:39,287
Dad, wake up.
1379
01:06:41,331 --> 01:06:42,207
[groans]
1380
01:06:43,333 --> 01:06:46,128
[groaning] Oh, God.
1381
01:06:51,049 --> 01:06:52,384
Oh, shit.
1382
01:06:53,802 --> 01:06:55,846
[groaning] Ow!
1383
01:06:55,846 --> 01:06:58,014
Son of a bitch.
1384
01:07:07,357 --> 01:07:09,943
Hello?
1385
01:07:09,943 --> 01:07:11,194
Fucking Dad.
1386
01:07:12,446 --> 01:07:13,447
I'm tired.
1387
01:07:14,656 --> 01:07:17,325
I'm sore. I'm hungry.
1388
01:07:18,201 --> 01:07:19,202
I'm hungry.
1389
01:07:25,959 --> 01:07:27,210
Thank you, Ash.
1390
01:07:33,592 --> 01:07:36,511
[crow cawing]
1391
01:07:36,511 --> 01:07:39,598
[pensive music swirling]
1392
01:07:47,689 --> 01:07:49,900
[rock music playing over headphones]
1393
01:07:51,860 --> 01:07:52,944
Wait.
1394
01:07:53,779 --> 01:07:54,613
Hey.
1395
01:07:54,613 --> 01:07:55,947
Is my daughter okay?
1396
01:07:56,573 --> 01:07:57,407
No.
1397
01:07:58,074 --> 01:07:59,034
[whimpers]
1398
01:07:59,951 --> 01:08:02,245
[Albert] My son is a moron.
1399
01:08:04,289 --> 01:08:05,916
[Young Bert] Hey, what's up, sleepyhead?
1400
01:08:06,458 --> 01:08:08,877
- What's this thing?
- It's a mace.
1401
01:08:09,628 --> 01:08:10,921
The fuck are you doing here?
1402
01:08:10,921 --> 01:08:13,173
Oh, I'm not here. You're just really high.
1403
01:08:16,176 --> 01:08:17,636
I am really high.
1404
01:08:22,265 --> 01:08:24,726
God, I came to Russia to become a man.
1405
01:08:24,726 --> 01:08:26,812
All I became was an asshole criminal.
1406
01:08:26,812 --> 01:08:29,898
Yeah. You're gonna hang on to that
for a while.
1407
01:08:29,898 --> 01:08:32,108
A lot of it,
all the shit that happened on the train.
1408
01:08:32,734 --> 01:08:35,779
But, hey, that shirtless idiot thing?
1409
01:08:36,238 --> 01:08:38,240
[chuckles] It pays off bigtime.
1410
01:08:38,240 --> 01:08:39,407
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
1411
01:08:39,407 --> 01:08:41,117
- Yeah?
- Oh, dude.
1412
01:08:41,117 --> 01:08:44,246
This trip to Russia sets you on a path.
1413
01:08:44,830 --> 01:08:46,957
You, my friend,
are great at making people laugh.
1414
01:08:46,957 --> 01:08:48,083
Thanks, man.
1415
01:08:48,083 --> 01:08:49,167
Yeah.
1416
01:08:49,668 --> 01:08:51,586
- I am gonna be okay.
- Yeah.
1417
01:08:52,254 --> 01:08:54,005
And then your wife's
gonna put you in therapy.
1418
01:08:54,005 --> 01:08:55,090
Whoa.
1419
01:08:55,090 --> 01:08:56,883
- We're married?
- Oh, yeah.
1420
01:08:56,883 --> 01:08:58,260
Is she hot?
1421
01:08:58,260 --> 01:08:59,970
- I mean, yeah.
- Wait, what do you mean?
1422
01:08:59,970 --> 01:09:03,223
I mean, I think she's hot.
I think she's hot. I mean, she's 50.
1423
01:09:05,642 --> 01:09:07,686
You married a 50-year-old?
1424
01:09:08,270 --> 01:09:10,897
Dude, what the fuck?
I thought you said we were gonna be okay.
1425
01:09:10,897 --> 01:09:12,399
No, I forgot how dumb I am.
1426
01:09:12,399 --> 01:09:13,817
We married her when she was 30.
1427
01:09:13,817 --> 01:09:16,611
She was-- She still is a smoke show.
She's hot as shit, okay?
1428
01:09:16,611 --> 01:09:18,572
- Okay.
- Don't make me defend our wife.
1429
01:09:18,572 --> 01:09:19,489
[groans]
1430
01:09:19,489 --> 01:09:20,574
She's a great mom.
1431
01:09:20,574 --> 01:09:21,700
Whoa.
1432
01:09:21,700 --> 01:09:22,617
We got kids?
1433
01:09:22,617 --> 01:09:23,702
- Yeah.
- Boys?
1434
01:09:23,702 --> 01:09:25,370
- Mm...
- Ah, I knew we'd have boys.
1435
01:09:25,370 --> 01:09:26,788
I always wanted to have boys.
1436
01:09:26,788 --> 01:09:28,206
Look at us.
1437
01:09:28,206 --> 01:09:31,877
Both of us just figuring ourselves out.
1438
01:09:32,752 --> 01:09:33,628
Ah.
1439
01:09:33,628 --> 01:09:35,171
Well, I am.
1440
01:09:35,797 --> 01:09:37,340
You're still pretty lost.
1441
01:09:37,340 --> 01:09:40,051
I mean, you're literally lost in a forest.
1442
01:09:40,051 --> 01:09:41,469
High on a pot brownie.
1443
01:09:41,469 --> 01:09:44,014
'Cause your dad kicked you off a train.
1444
01:09:44,014 --> 01:09:45,348
Because he hates you.
1445
01:09:45,348 --> 01:09:48,560
Because you can't save your own daughter,
who hates you.
1446
01:09:48,560 --> 01:09:51,646
Now your wife's gonna hate you.
Your whole family pretty much hates you.
1447
01:09:51,646 --> 01:09:52,981
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
1448
01:09:52,981 --> 01:09:55,400
I know this. I know this.
Why are you doing this to me?
1449
01:09:55,400 --> 01:09:58,069
'Cause I'm trying to save you.
You're about to get shot.
1450
01:09:59,613 --> 01:10:00,447
How so?
1451
01:10:00,447 --> 01:10:03,950
You're about to get shot.
1452
01:10:03,950 --> 01:10:06,036
Meaning what?
1453
01:10:06,036 --> 01:10:07,787
You're under fire.
1454
01:10:07,787 --> 01:10:10,206
- [bullets impacting]
- [screaming]
1455
01:10:11,374 --> 01:10:13,793
[dramatic music playing]
1456
01:10:21,384 --> 01:10:22,844
Fuck! God!
1457
01:10:23,678 --> 01:10:24,846
Oh, my God!
1458
01:10:26,264 --> 01:10:27,265
Fuck.
1459
01:10:29,643 --> 01:10:32,646
[suspenseful music playing]
1460
01:10:46,618 --> 01:10:47,702
Bert?
1461
01:10:48,536 --> 01:10:49,537
Igor?
1462
01:10:53,708 --> 01:10:55,752
- Bert.
- Igor!
1463
01:10:56,670 --> 01:10:58,588
- Machina!
- Igor!
1464
01:10:58,588 --> 01:11:01,508
You look like a big bear. I mean, what?
1465
01:11:01,508 --> 01:11:02,968
- Oh!
- [laughing]
1466
01:11:02,968 --> 01:11:05,804
- God.
- My friend, you are here.
1467
01:11:05,804 --> 01:11:09,432
I can't believe you're alive.
Oh, shit. It's good to see you.
1468
01:11:09,432 --> 01:11:10,725
[Igor laughing]
1469
01:11:13,812 --> 01:11:15,188
Do you have any snacks?
1470
01:11:15,188 --> 01:11:18,274
[Russian folk music playing on radio]
1471
01:11:18,733 --> 01:11:20,819
This is my home.
1472
01:11:20,819 --> 01:11:21,987
For years now.
1473
01:11:21,987 --> 01:11:24,948
- Nice. It's kind of like West Virginia.
- Yeah. West Vagina.
1474
01:11:24,948 --> 01:11:27,993
Igor! Deuces.
1475
01:11:27,993 --> 01:11:29,619
[Bert] That's uncircumcised.
1476
01:11:29,619 --> 01:11:32,163
[Bert and Igor laughing]
1477
01:11:32,163 --> 01:11:33,832
- You almost hit that guy, Igor.
- Yeah.
1478
01:11:33,832 --> 01:11:34,749
[honks horn]
1479
01:11:35,417 --> 01:11:36,751
It's a tradition here.
1480
01:11:37,377 --> 01:11:38,670
Ah, look at this.
1481
01:11:39,295 --> 01:11:40,338
This is it.
1482
01:11:40,338 --> 01:11:41,256
IGOR'S VILLAGE
1483
01:11:41,256 --> 01:11:42,590
- [Bert] This is your house?
- [Igor] Yeah.
1484
01:11:42,590 --> 01:11:44,676
[children laughing]
1485
01:11:48,138 --> 01:11:49,681
Holy shit.
1486
01:11:49,681 --> 01:11:52,767
Oh! Wait, are these all your kids?
1487
01:11:52,767 --> 01:11:55,520
Yeah, this is most of my kids.
1488
01:11:55,520 --> 01:11:58,815
- Oh, my God.
- [speaking in Russian]
1489
01:11:59,524 --> 01:12:01,234
Jesus, you know you can pull out, right?
1490
01:12:01,234 --> 01:12:04,320
[in English] Yes, but my dick
is little bit longer, so I'm like:
1491
01:12:04,320 --> 01:12:06,573
- Oh, like a magician.
- Magician!
1492
01:12:06,573 --> 01:12:08,408
- With the scarves!
- Yeah.
1493
01:12:08,408 --> 01:12:09,868
- Hey.
- I missed you.
1494
01:12:10,785 --> 01:12:12,787
[speaks in Russian]
1495
01:12:14,706 --> 01:12:15,665
...Machina!
1496
01:12:15,665 --> 01:12:17,625
Hey! Yeah!
1497
01:12:17,625 --> 01:12:19,210
- Oh, Machina!
- Yeah!
1498
01:12:19,210 --> 01:12:21,296
[speaking in Russian]
1499
01:12:25,675 --> 01:12:26,509
Huh?
1500
01:12:28,094 --> 01:12:28,928
Igor.
1501
01:12:28,928 --> 01:12:30,472
Igor, Igor.
1502
01:12:30,472 --> 01:12:32,557
[Igor speaking in Russian]
1503
01:12:33,767 --> 01:12:36,895
[in English]
My wife, she's a big fan of you, Machine.
1504
01:12:36,895 --> 01:12:38,438
- Oh!
- Many in village are.
1505
01:12:38,438 --> 01:12:40,190
They listen to your podcast.
1506
01:12:40,190 --> 01:12:42,108
Why no new episodes?
1507
01:12:42,108 --> 01:12:44,027
[in Russian]
Igor, have you killed the bear?
1508
01:12:44,027 --> 01:12:49,532
[in Russian] Not yet, but this is better!
I find friend, Machine. Real one!
1509
01:12:50,617 --> 01:12:53,787
[in Russian]
Blessed day for our village!
1510
01:12:53,787 --> 01:12:59,042
First you find Machine,
Then I find whore!
1511
01:12:59,042 --> 01:13:00,919
- [in English] She find whore.
- What?
1512
01:13:00,919 --> 01:13:03,004
[woman speaking in Russian]
1513
01:13:04,005 --> 01:13:07,008
- [villagers chattering]
- [suspenseful music playing]
1514
01:13:10,261 --> 01:13:13,139
- Holy shit! Irina! You're alive!
- [groans]
1515
01:13:13,139 --> 01:13:15,308
How the fuck are you still alive?
1516
01:13:15,308 --> 01:13:17,727
Goddamn it. Oh, my God!
1517
01:13:18,269 --> 01:13:20,355
[in English]
Would you like to buy her for the fucking?
1518
01:13:20,355 --> 01:13:21,856
I don't know.
1519
01:13:21,856 --> 01:13:23,942
What do you think? How much?
1520
01:13:23,942 --> 01:13:25,693
More than you have.
1521
01:13:26,402 --> 01:13:27,695
I don't know, maybe--
1522
01:13:27,695 --> 01:13:29,906
Oh, my God! What happened to your leg?
1523
01:13:29,906 --> 01:13:31,199
Oh, that looks bad.
1524
01:13:31,199 --> 01:13:33,076
Here, tell me if you feel this.
1525
01:13:33,076 --> 01:13:34,494
- [screams]
- Oh!
1526
01:13:34,494 --> 01:13:36,704
Igor! Help! I know this whore!
1527
01:13:36,704 --> 01:13:38,081
Let's get her in your house!
1528
01:13:38,081 --> 01:13:40,750
- Here.
- Igor, do you have any hydrogen peroxide?
1529
01:13:40,750 --> 01:13:44,129
Uh... no,
but we have many kind of animal spit.
1530
01:13:44,129 --> 01:13:45,797
- Okay, well, here you go.
- Fuck! [screams]
1531
01:13:45,797 --> 01:13:47,799
Okay, you're fine. No, no, no. We're good.
1532
01:13:47,799 --> 01:13:50,176
- Fuck!
- Just get me something to dress it with.
1533
01:13:50,176 --> 01:13:53,429
- I gotta get this boot off.
- [Irina cries, then groans]
1534
01:13:53,429 --> 01:13:56,057
- Okay. Okay, here we go.
- Okay. Wait, wait, be careful.
1535
01:13:57,892 --> 01:13:59,435
- [Bert] All right.
- [Irina groans]
1536
01:14:00,061 --> 01:14:02,605
Oh, it's pretty bad. Okay.
- [groaning]
1537
01:14:02,605 --> 01:14:03,690
[retches]
1538
01:14:03,690 --> 01:14:05,984
- Oh, is it bad?
- It's not that bad.
1539
01:14:05,984 --> 01:14:08,027
- Is it that bad? Oh, fuck!
- It's not that bad.
1540
01:14:08,027 --> 01:14:10,155
I just can't look at it. [vomits]
1541
01:14:10,155 --> 01:14:11,447
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
1542
01:14:11,447 --> 01:14:13,199
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Fuck!
1543
01:14:13,199 --> 01:14:14,742
It's fine. It's fine.
1544
01:14:15,368 --> 01:14:17,245
Did you just put it in your pocket?
1545
01:14:17,245 --> 01:14:18,663
I didn't know where to put it.
1546
01:14:18,663 --> 01:14:21,416
Oh, I'm gonna be sick now. Oh, fuck!
1547
01:14:21,416 --> 01:14:23,877
Don't you throw up.
If you throw up, I'm gonna throw up.
1548
01:14:23,877 --> 01:14:26,254
Don't throw up. Don't throw up.
Please don't throw up.
1549
01:14:26,254 --> 01:14:29,757
- I won't throw up. You don't throw up.
- I won't throw up, if you don't throw up.
1550
01:14:29,757 --> 01:14:31,467
- I'll trust you. Okay.
- Deal.
1551
01:14:31,467 --> 01:14:33,469
Oh, God. Okay.
1552
01:14:34,888 --> 01:14:37,473
- Just do something about it!
- I don't think I can do this.
1553
01:14:38,183 --> 01:14:39,517
Give me a pep talk.
1554
01:14:39,517 --> 01:14:42,270
- Just pull it out. You can do it.
- Okay.
1555
01:14:42,270 --> 01:14:44,689
- I can do it?
- You can do it. Just pull it out. Okay?
1556
01:14:44,689 --> 01:14:46,482
- One, two...
- Three, two...
1557
01:14:46,482 --> 01:14:47,442
No, wait. No, wait.
1558
01:14:47,442 --> 01:14:50,111
- Three! Two! One!
- Three! Two! One!
1559
01:14:50,111 --> 01:14:52,614
[both yelling]
1560
01:14:55,825 --> 01:14:57,410
I did it! I did it!
1561
01:14:58,244 --> 01:14:59,787
You're not gonna...
1562
01:15:06,002 --> 01:15:08,004
[Bert, Igor, Irina, Sonia laughing]
1563
01:15:08,004 --> 01:15:10,256
So anyway, I shoot the dude,
1564
01:15:10,256 --> 01:15:12,842
he shoots another dude,
dude shoots another dude.
1565
01:15:12,842 --> 01:15:16,012
Three dudes, one--
Four-- Three-- Three bullets.
1566
01:15:16,012 --> 01:15:18,598
It was top ten all-time kills for me.
Hell, yeah!
1567
01:15:18,598 --> 01:15:20,516
Yeah. Oh, is this...?
1568
01:15:20,516 --> 01:15:23,436
- Are we high-fiving a murder?
- Yeah.
1569
01:15:23,436 --> 01:15:25,730
Hey, where is your father now?
1570
01:15:25,730 --> 01:15:27,899
Who the fuck knows?
1571
01:15:27,899 --> 01:15:30,777
Let me tell you something.
If he is alive, I'm fucking killing him.
1572
01:15:30,777 --> 01:15:32,362
[Igor laughs]
1573
01:15:32,362 --> 01:15:34,405
Hey, Igor, what brought you here?
1574
01:15:34,405 --> 01:15:36,407
Hey, thanks to you, Bert.
1575
01:15:36,407 --> 01:15:38,076
- Me?
- Yeah.
1576
01:15:38,076 --> 01:15:39,160
What?
1577
01:15:39,160 --> 01:15:42,622
When I saw how you find joy
in every moment,
1578
01:15:42,622 --> 01:15:46,167
it make me think, "Mafia is dangerous."
1579
01:15:47,418 --> 01:15:48,795
Not easy life.
1580
01:15:48,795 --> 01:15:53,383
And one day,
as I strangle man for not paying me for...
1581
01:15:54,676 --> 01:15:55,885
ah, whatever,
1582
01:15:55,885 --> 01:15:58,596
- I remembered something you say.
- What?
1583
01:15:58,596 --> 01:16:02,558
You told me most important thing in life,
1584
01:16:02,558 --> 01:16:04,602
it is to find your smile.
1585
01:16:05,436 --> 01:16:06,562
- Oh!
- Eh?
1586
01:16:07,272 --> 01:16:09,190
- Ho, ho, ho. Igor.
- Huh?
1587
01:16:09,190 --> 01:16:11,484
I stole that from City Slickers.
1588
01:16:12,026 --> 01:16:14,904
Billy Crystal? 1980s? Cowboys? Nothing?
1589
01:16:14,904 --> 01:16:17,282
His whole deal is stealing shit.
1590
01:16:17,282 --> 01:16:19,617
Back then, Irina. Okay?
1591
01:16:19,617 --> 01:16:22,578
Hey, I just left. It was my choice.
1592
01:16:22,578 --> 01:16:23,997
My smile.
1593
01:16:23,997 --> 01:16:26,374
Mafia was not my smile.
1594
01:16:26,374 --> 01:16:29,168
This was. Children, family, Sonia.
1595
01:16:29,669 --> 01:16:33,214
In mafia, I would have died.
1596
01:16:33,214 --> 01:16:35,925
But I have this, thanks to you, Bert.
1597
01:16:35,925 --> 01:16:37,677
You saved my life.
1598
01:16:41,514 --> 01:16:42,807
Good for you, Igor.
1599
01:16:43,641 --> 01:16:45,518
Hey, at least
I didn't ruin his life, right?
1600
01:16:50,481 --> 01:16:51,482
[Irina whispers] Bert?
1601
01:16:51,482 --> 01:16:53,568
[children laughing]
1602
01:16:57,030 --> 01:16:58,072
Bert?
1603
01:17:02,035 --> 01:17:04,370
Hey. Are you asleep?
1604
01:17:05,121 --> 01:17:06,122
Yeah.
1605
01:17:06,664 --> 01:17:09,542
What is this thing you did
that made your daughter hate you?
1606
01:17:15,006 --> 01:17:16,007
All right.
1607
01:17:18,384 --> 01:17:22,096
So me and my big, fat friend Tom,
we're doing a podcast,
1608
01:17:22,680 --> 01:17:25,391
and we get accidentally very fucked up.
1609
01:17:26,768 --> 01:17:28,978
- That's not so bad.
- Wait for it.
1610
01:17:28,978 --> 01:17:31,689
So Sasha's 15, right?
She's got her learner's permit.
1611
01:17:32,315 --> 01:17:34,609
I'm like, "Hey, come out to me.
1612
01:17:35,360 --> 01:17:38,154
Get my car, drive me home."
Right? Bam, bam.
1613
01:17:39,697 --> 01:17:42,575
You asked your teenage daughter
to drive you home drunk?
1614
01:17:42,575 --> 01:17:44,660
It gets worse, okay?
1615
01:17:44,660 --> 01:17:46,120
She rolls a stop sign.
1616
01:17:46,746 --> 01:17:48,081
Cop pulls her over.
1617
01:17:50,541 --> 01:17:54,545
Turns out, having a parent in the car
doesn't count if the parent's trashed.
1618
01:17:56,881 --> 01:18:00,718
She can't get her license for two years.
I got a misdemeanor. It was awful.
1619
01:18:00,718 --> 01:18:03,262
Well, if that's everything,
that's not so bad.
1620
01:18:03,971 --> 01:18:07,308
I wish that was the worst thing
my father ever did to me.
1621
01:18:07,308 --> 01:18:09,352
It almost sounds nice.
1622
01:18:11,562 --> 01:18:14,399
Four minutes before I passed out,
I started a livestream.
1623
01:18:15,233 --> 01:18:17,402
And I livestreamed the entire event.
1624
01:18:18,194 --> 01:18:19,821
It immediately went viral.
1625
01:18:20,988 --> 01:18:22,949
Next weekend was Father's Day.
1626
01:18:22,949 --> 01:18:24,826
[poignant music playing]
1627
01:18:24,826 --> 01:18:26,327
She was so mad.
1628
01:18:28,413 --> 01:18:30,581
Oh, God,
she didn't talk to me for a month.
1629
01:18:32,792 --> 01:18:34,168
It was a wake-up call.
1630
01:18:36,838 --> 01:18:38,840
[sniffles, then sobs]
1631
01:18:41,426 --> 01:18:45,888
I've been this party guy for so long,
I don't even know who I am anymore.
1632
01:18:47,849 --> 01:18:50,560
[music turns hopeful]
1633
01:18:50,560 --> 01:18:56,065
Then maybe you're not supposed
to be only Bert.
1634
01:18:58,776 --> 01:19:00,445
Look what you did for Igor.
1635
01:19:01,696 --> 01:19:04,949
Your stupid drunk talk, it saved his life.
1636
01:19:06,784 --> 01:19:08,161
I don't follow.
1637
01:19:11,122 --> 01:19:14,333
We do not grow
by destroying part of ourselves.
1638
01:19:14,834 --> 01:19:17,587
We grow
by finding a balance between parts.
1639
01:19:18,838 --> 01:19:20,756
Balance like Steve Urkel.
1640
01:19:23,426 --> 01:19:24,510
Did you just say "Urkel"?
1641
01:19:24,510 --> 01:19:28,139
It's a reference to one of
my favorite American television shows.
1642
01:19:28,139 --> 01:19:29,557
Family Matters.
1643
01:19:29,557 --> 01:19:30,933
You know it?
1644
01:19:30,933 --> 01:19:34,061
Yeah. Wait. But wait.
What the fuck's Urkel got to do with this?
1645
01:19:34,061 --> 01:19:35,396
Oh!
1646
01:19:35,396 --> 01:19:38,733
In season five,
Steve Urkel takes this potion
1647
01:19:38,733 --> 01:19:43,070
that transforms him into Stefan Urquelle,
like, this cool version of him.
1648
01:19:43,070 --> 01:19:45,364
Everyone starts hating him,
but what does he do?
1649
01:19:45,364 --> 01:19:47,533
He doesn't surrender.
1650
01:19:47,533 --> 01:19:49,035
He improves his formula,
1651
01:19:49,035 --> 01:19:52,455
and in the end,
he gets best of both worlds.
1652
01:19:53,122 --> 01:19:55,583
You are the Machine and Bert.
1653
01:19:56,209 --> 01:19:57,877
You have both sides.
1654
01:19:57,877 --> 01:20:00,880
But now you need to balance.
1655
01:20:04,717 --> 01:20:05,551
I get it.
1656
01:20:06,594 --> 01:20:08,179
Goddamn it.
1657
01:20:08,971 --> 01:20:11,057
Can't believe I slept on Family Matters.
1658
01:20:11,057 --> 01:20:13,976
Oh, you should definitely watch it.
It's very good.
1659
01:20:16,103 --> 01:20:17,730
"Did I do that?"
1660
01:20:17,730 --> 01:20:19,607
[gasps] He watched it.
1661
01:20:21,526 --> 01:20:24,654
When communists came,
politburo burned down the church
1662
01:20:24,654 --> 01:20:26,781
and build this factory.
1663
01:20:26,781 --> 01:20:29,909
When the communists leave, factory closed.
1664
01:20:29,909 --> 01:20:33,079
When I came to the village,
I helped them build this.
1665
01:20:33,079 --> 01:20:35,331
- [Bert] You built this?
- [Igor] No, no. Inside.
1666
01:20:41,462 --> 01:20:44,173
I took you here
because building this place,
1667
01:20:44,173 --> 01:20:46,217
feeling closer to God,
1668
01:20:46,217 --> 01:20:48,719
taught me how to forgive myself.
1669
01:20:48,719 --> 01:20:53,015
You know, for all the bad things
that I did, murders,
1670
01:20:53,599 --> 01:20:55,059
all those years ago.
1671
01:20:55,935 --> 01:20:59,605
Why do you think I hooked you up
with the train banditti?
1672
01:20:59,605 --> 01:21:01,524
I don't know.
To show them a good time?
1673
01:21:01,524 --> 01:21:03,442
Da. And?
1674
01:21:04,652 --> 01:21:06,737
To keep your class safe.
1675
01:21:07,655 --> 01:21:09,657
Train banditti are very dangerous.
1676
01:21:09,657 --> 01:21:11,826
They do terrible things to the passengers.
1677
01:21:11,826 --> 01:21:15,538
I introduced them to Machine
to distract them,
1678
01:21:15,538 --> 01:21:18,291
by doing what he always does.
1679
01:21:18,916 --> 01:21:21,377
Yeah. I robbed a lot of people, Igor.
1680
01:21:21,377 --> 01:21:22,628
So?
1681
01:21:23,170 --> 01:21:25,464
Was anyone hurt, killed?
1682
01:21:25,464 --> 01:21:27,883
You spit in a girl's face.
You were an asshole.
1683
01:21:27,883 --> 01:21:30,970
- But your class, they were safe
- [auspicious music playing]
1684
01:21:30,970 --> 01:21:34,098
because you did exactly
what you're supposed to do,
1685
01:21:34,098 --> 01:21:37,184
by showing them good time,
making them laugh.
1686
01:21:37,184 --> 01:21:39,520
You protected those people.
1687
01:21:39,520 --> 01:21:42,815
That is what a man does.
1688
01:21:44,025 --> 01:21:45,192
Goddamn it.
1689
01:21:45,192 --> 01:21:47,445
[Irina] Seems you're a good man, Bert.
1690
01:21:49,405 --> 01:21:51,490
- Thanks, Irina.
- [pensive classical music playing]
1691
01:21:51,490 --> 01:21:53,075
[Igor] It's time to feed kids.
1692
01:21:53,075 --> 01:21:56,454
Holy shit! That's the watch! Oh!
1693
01:21:56,454 --> 01:21:57,747
My father's watch.
1694
01:22:00,333 --> 01:22:02,376
[dramatic music playing]
1695
01:22:02,376 --> 01:22:03,919
[speaks in Russian]
1696
01:22:03,919 --> 01:22:05,671
How do you have that?
1697
01:22:05,671 --> 01:22:08,341
You gave it to me when you left Russia.
1698
01:22:08,341 --> 01:22:10,760
You said it was thank you
for being a true friend.
1699
01:22:10,760 --> 01:22:12,803
You were very, very drunk.
1700
01:22:14,138 --> 01:22:15,640
I was embarrassed taking it,
1701
01:22:15,640 --> 01:22:17,975
but the words were nice,
so I just took it.
1702
01:22:17,975 --> 01:22:19,810
Sweet, drunk words.
1703
01:22:19,810 --> 01:22:20,895
God, yes.
1704
01:22:21,520 --> 01:22:22,855
Let's go, Bert.
1705
01:22:22,855 --> 01:22:24,690
I have an empire to claim.
1706
01:22:25,608 --> 01:22:27,526
I would pay
to listen to her talk during sex.
1707
01:22:27,526 --> 01:22:29,111
I would pay to have sex with her.
1708
01:22:29,111 --> 01:22:30,905
[Bert] Sorry about your bathroom.
1709
01:22:30,905 --> 01:22:32,948
Thank you for taming the whore.
1710
01:22:32,948 --> 01:22:34,617
No, thank you.
1711
01:22:34,617 --> 01:22:36,285
I'll cherish these.
1712
01:22:36,285 --> 01:22:38,287
The fuck am I supposed to do
with a chicken?
1713
01:22:38,287 --> 01:22:41,457
Hey, Bert. I need to come clean.
1714
01:22:41,457 --> 01:22:43,959
After train, I talked to Fedor, and...
1715
01:22:44,710 --> 01:22:47,004
he gave me what you stole from class.
1716
01:22:47,004 --> 01:22:51,133
Then everyone go back to U.S.A.,
so I kept it to remember.
1717
01:22:51,133 --> 01:22:53,928
- [Bert] Hold on. No way.
- [Igor] Yeah.
1718
01:22:54,637 --> 01:22:55,680
Dude.
1719
01:22:55,680 --> 01:22:57,473
Hey, take it.
1720
01:22:57,473 --> 01:22:59,975
And go to Moscow and save your father.
1721
01:23:00,476 --> 01:23:03,729
If he's still alive.
He may have been tortured to death.
1722
01:23:05,523 --> 01:23:06,691
I think she's autistic.
1723
01:23:06,691 --> 01:23:07,650
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1724
01:23:07,650 --> 01:23:11,070
Hey, man. Thank you for everything, man.
1725
01:23:11,070 --> 01:23:12,154
- No, no, no.
- No?
1726
01:23:12,154 --> 01:23:13,781
You've been a good-luck charm to me.
1727
01:23:13,781 --> 01:23:15,574
- My life changed the day I met you.
- Hey.
1728
01:23:15,574 --> 01:23:17,034
- Bert, thank you.
- No, thank you.
1729
01:23:17,034 --> 01:23:18,285
- No, thank you.
- No, thank you.
1730
01:23:18,285 --> 01:23:19,537
[both yell]
1731
01:23:19,537 --> 01:23:22,707
- God. I'll miss you, brother.
- ["Hey Man Nice Shot" playing]
1732
01:23:22,707 --> 01:23:25,835
[Irina] I'm gonna miss
these disgusting poor people.
1733
01:23:27,294 --> 01:23:30,047
So you just think it and say it?
You don't stop it at all, right?
1734
01:23:30,965 --> 01:23:32,383
Yes, basically.
1735
01:23:33,175 --> 01:23:35,511
- Never met someone like myself before.
- Yeah.
1736
01:23:35,511 --> 01:23:38,597
♪ Hey, man ♪
1737
01:23:38,597 --> 01:23:40,891
MOSCOW
1738
01:23:40,891 --> 01:23:44,729
♪ Nice gun ♪
1739
01:23:46,230 --> 01:23:51,026
♪ Hey, man ♪
1740
01:23:51,777 --> 01:23:55,573
♪ Have fun ♪
1741
01:23:57,116 --> 01:24:01,287
♪ Hey, man ♪
1742
01:24:02,663 --> 01:24:06,459
♪ Have fun ♪
1743
01:24:06,459 --> 01:24:08,127
♪ Nice shot, man ♪
1744
01:24:08,127 --> 01:24:10,379
- [song fades]
- [people laughing and chattering]
1745
01:24:10,379 --> 01:24:12,214
[Albert]
So I keep having this recurring dream
1746
01:24:12,214 --> 01:24:13,883
where Dolly Parton throws me her pick,
1747
01:24:13,883 --> 01:24:16,051
calls me on-stage
and wants me to jam with her.
1748
01:24:16,051 --> 01:24:17,136
I'm freaking shredding,
1749
01:24:17,136 --> 01:24:19,638
but my fingers turn into spiders
and my teeth fall out.
1750
01:24:19,638 --> 01:24:22,683
Pretty sure it's my heart medication
having a reaction with my sleeping pill.
1751
01:24:22,683 --> 01:24:24,268
But, hey, it's better than doing acid,
1752
01:24:24,268 --> 01:24:26,645
and kind of the highlight of my day
at this point.
1753
01:24:27,146 --> 01:24:30,024
- It's sad but true.
- What the fuck is going on in here?
1754
01:24:30,733 --> 01:24:32,026
Oh, hi, son.
1755
01:24:35,112 --> 01:24:36,197
[Bert] You two are buds now?
1756
01:24:38,365 --> 01:24:40,659
Dad, why are you talking all fast
like you're on speed or something?
1757
01:24:40,659 --> 01:24:44,413
'Cause I'm on speed.
And it is so, so, so, so great.
1758
01:24:44,413 --> 01:24:46,957
Oh! More drugs.
1759
01:24:46,957 --> 01:24:48,167
Ooh. [snorts]
1760
01:24:48,167 --> 01:24:50,753
Ooh! Oh. [laughs]
1761
01:24:50,753 --> 01:24:51,921
Look at me.
1762
01:24:51,921 --> 01:24:54,089
I'm Molly Parton!
1763
01:24:54,089 --> 01:24:56,300
[Albert and Russian laughing]
1764
01:24:57,384 --> 01:24:58,886
You see what I did there?
1765
01:24:58,886 --> 01:25:00,638
[ominous music playing]
1766
01:25:00,638 --> 01:25:02,807
Irina. You're alive.
1767
01:25:03,516 --> 01:25:06,685
- Super.
- Yes, asshole, I am alive.
1768
01:25:06,685 --> 01:25:11,273
I brought the Machine,
and I even have the watch.
1769
01:25:11,273 --> 01:25:14,193
So suck my dick.
1770
01:25:14,193 --> 01:25:16,403
- Thanks.
- Fuck you, Sponge!
1771
01:25:16,403 --> 01:25:18,280
No, fuck you.
1772
01:25:18,280 --> 01:25:19,698
He pay me.
1773
01:25:20,699 --> 01:25:21,742
You hit me.
1774
01:25:22,243 --> 01:25:24,119
[Irina]
I should have left you in that gulag,
1775
01:25:24,119 --> 01:25:26,247
with those doctors poking
and prodding you.
1776
01:25:26,247 --> 01:25:28,999
I would string you up by your balls.
1777
01:25:30,543 --> 01:25:33,295
[playing pensive classical music]
1778
01:25:33,295 --> 01:25:36,382
[ominous music playing]
1779
01:25:40,052 --> 01:25:41,053
Machine.
1780
01:25:44,014 --> 01:25:45,224
I must say,
1781
01:25:46,392 --> 01:25:47,977
your dad is so fun.
1782
01:25:48,519 --> 01:25:50,980
He is the original Machine.
1783
01:25:52,231 --> 01:25:53,440
[Albert] I'm the prototype.
1784
01:25:53,440 --> 01:25:55,359
He has been partying with us.
1785
01:25:55,359 --> 01:25:59,154
Now, your mom was more of
a kind of missionary kind of gal,
1786
01:25:59,154 --> 01:26:02,074
but Annika... Oh, ho!
1787
01:26:02,074 --> 01:26:05,744
- She's got the cushion for the Pushkin.
- [Russians laughing]
1788
01:26:06,453 --> 01:26:08,205
Oh, Dad, please stop.
1789
01:26:08,205 --> 01:26:12,334
See, your dad has spent
so long looking after you,
1790
01:26:12,334 --> 01:26:14,378
he never got a chance
to have fun on his own.
1791
01:26:15,421 --> 01:26:16,505
Oh, ho!
1792
01:26:16,505 --> 01:26:18,674
What a load of horseshit that is.
1793
01:26:18,674 --> 01:26:21,844
Those Dolly Parton tickets
he was just bragging about? Front row?
1794
01:26:21,844 --> 01:26:23,721
Who do you think bought them for him?
1795
01:26:23,721 --> 01:26:26,140
And to think I thought
I was finally understanding you.
1796
01:26:26,140 --> 01:26:29,310
I found your fucking knife.
Yeah, you want this piece of shit?
1797
01:26:29,310 --> 01:26:31,145
When he kicked me off the train,
1798
01:26:31,145 --> 01:26:32,938
I thought, "Maybe he's trying
to keep me safe,
1799
01:26:32,938 --> 01:26:34,982
protect me or has a plan."
1800
01:26:34,982 --> 01:26:38,027
But no plan. No fucking plan.
1801
01:26:38,027 --> 01:26:40,029
You're just a big old dick!
1802
01:26:40,905 --> 01:26:44,450
I may have let you down in this world.
You've pointed that out a lot.
1803
01:26:44,450 --> 01:26:47,578
But you know what, Dad?
You have let me down.
1804
01:26:47,578 --> 01:26:49,538
Just like I let Sasha down.
1805
01:26:50,164 --> 01:26:53,083
I can't believe I thought
you were here to take care of me.
1806
01:26:53,083 --> 01:26:55,669
Dad, take a fucking look around.
1807
01:26:55,669 --> 01:26:57,171
You let me down!
1808
01:26:59,548 --> 01:27:00,841
Son.
1809
01:27:01,467 --> 01:27:04,094
I will always take care of you.
1810
01:27:04,762 --> 01:27:05,763
[laughs]
1811
01:27:06,472 --> 01:27:07,473
[Alexei] What?
1812
01:27:08,515 --> 01:27:11,977
You people threatened my granddaughter,
1813
01:27:12,645 --> 01:27:14,438
you kidnapped my son,
1814
01:27:14,438 --> 01:27:18,359
and made me do a lot of amazing drugs.
1815
01:27:18,359 --> 01:27:22,071
And this is how we say thank you
in Florida.
1816
01:27:22,071 --> 01:27:23,238
[Alexei grunts]
1817
01:27:23,238 --> 01:27:24,740
[intense music playing]
1818
01:27:24,740 --> 01:27:26,700
Holy shit!
1819
01:27:28,035 --> 01:27:29,161
[women scream]
1820
01:27:30,120 --> 01:27:31,830
Motherfucking Eagle Scout.
1821
01:27:31,830 --> 01:27:33,707
Oh, fuck!
1822
01:27:33,707 --> 01:27:36,335
You have amazing tits!
- ["Take Me Home Country Roads" playing]
1823
01:27:36,335 --> 01:27:38,379
- [gunshots]
- [Bert] Oh, shit!
1824
01:27:38,379 --> 01:27:39,838
I got the doors!
1825
01:27:40,714 --> 01:27:41,548
God!
1826
01:27:41,548 --> 01:27:43,592
[intense music playing]
1827
01:27:43,592 --> 01:27:45,636
[all clamoring]
1828
01:27:48,931 --> 01:27:50,349
I thought you were nonviolent.
1829
01:27:50,349 --> 01:27:52,893
I am! But I also love my son!
1830
01:27:52,893 --> 01:27:54,812
I knew you'd survive
falling off that train
1831
01:27:54,812 --> 01:27:57,564
because of your big old boobies
and protective layers of fat.
1832
01:27:58,273 --> 01:27:59,984
Oh, my God, you're so high right now.
1833
01:27:59,984 --> 01:28:03,112
I am so high. I am so high!
1834
01:28:03,112 --> 01:28:06,365
Idiots, stop talking and run.
I'll find the watch.
1835
01:28:06,907 --> 01:28:08,450
Come on, come on, come on.
1836
01:28:09,535 --> 01:28:11,453
Shit. Let's go, Keith Richards.
1837
01:28:12,162 --> 01:28:13,580
Dad, come on! Stop lollygagging!
1838
01:28:13,580 --> 01:28:16,792
[dramatic Russian music
playing over speakers]
1839
01:28:16,792 --> 01:28:18,877
God. All right.
Have a great night, everybody.
1840
01:28:18,877 --> 01:28:20,337
Ooh, you're dropping your money.
1841
01:28:20,337 --> 01:28:22,464
Don't drink and drive.
Grab a T-shirt on your way out.
1842
01:28:22,464 --> 01:28:25,718
All right, have a good one.
Oh, here we go. The last ones out.
1843
01:28:25,718 --> 01:28:27,845
Sorry for the gunfire, everybody.
Have a great night.
1844
01:28:27,845 --> 01:28:29,763
Take care. Thank you very much.
1845
01:28:30,848 --> 01:28:33,058
All right, Dad. We're good.
1846
01:28:33,058 --> 01:28:35,561
Now, listen, I need you to use
this drug energy for good.
1847
01:28:35,561 --> 01:28:37,104
All right? Like Charlie Sheen did.
1848
01:28:37,604 --> 01:28:39,523
Oh, shit. Dad, get down.
1849
01:28:55,122 --> 01:28:57,124
[both grunting]
1850
01:29:08,343 --> 01:29:09,178
- Bert.
- Shh!
1851
01:29:09,178 --> 01:29:10,679
- I lied.
- Stop talking.
1852
01:29:10,679 --> 01:29:11,847
Come on, let's go.
1853
01:29:12,890 --> 01:29:15,434
[Albert]
Look at me. I think I failed you as a dad.
1854
01:29:15,434 --> 01:29:17,853
- Dad, be quiet.
- I can't.
1855
01:29:17,853 --> 01:29:21,106
I'm feeling so many feelings,
and I need to tell you about them.
1856
01:29:22,149 --> 01:29:23,317
Bert?
1857
01:29:23,317 --> 01:29:24,443
- Bert?
- What?
1858
01:29:25,235 --> 01:29:26,653
I need to say this.
1859
01:29:26,653 --> 01:29:29,698
Instead of accepting you,
I criticized you.
1860
01:29:29,698 --> 01:29:32,409
But it was only because
I wanted to keep you safe.
1861
01:29:32,409 --> 01:29:34,328
Why have you never told me this?
1862
01:29:34,328 --> 01:29:35,662
I don't know. It's...
1863
01:29:35,662 --> 01:29:39,708
Vulnerability is scary,
and opening up is hard.
1864
01:29:40,584 --> 01:29:42,878
- What drugs did they give you?
- Well, well, it was...
1865
01:29:42,878 --> 01:29:44,421
Okay, come on. Let's go. Let's go.
1866
01:29:44,421 --> 01:29:46,757
One was yellow,
but I don't know what it was.
1867
01:29:46,757 --> 01:29:49,301
[suspenseful music playing]
1868
01:29:49,301 --> 01:29:51,386
- Bert.
- Dad, shut the fuck up.
1869
01:29:51,386 --> 01:29:52,763
This is important.
1870
01:29:55,641 --> 01:29:57,851
- All dads mess up, Bert.
- [tender music playing]
1871
01:29:58,602 --> 01:30:00,479
But the good ones, we--
1872
01:30:01,605 --> 01:30:03,232
We try to do better.
1873
01:30:05,359 --> 01:30:08,070
I guess sometimes it just...
1874
01:30:09,238 --> 01:30:10,697
takes us a while.
1875
01:30:11,323 --> 01:30:12,950
You're my boy, Bert.
1876
01:30:15,160 --> 01:30:16,829
Don't ever forget that.
1877
01:30:17,496 --> 01:30:18,997
You'll always...
1878
01:30:19,790 --> 01:30:21,291
be my boy.
1879
01:30:28,257 --> 01:30:29,508
This is nice, Dad.
1880
01:30:30,134 --> 01:30:32,970
You should do drugs more often.
Look at us.
1881
01:30:32,970 --> 01:30:34,847
We're finally working through our shit.
1882
01:30:35,806 --> 01:30:37,975
- [machinegun firing]
- [Bert and Albert screaming]
1883
01:30:39,351 --> 01:30:40,644
Dad, let's go!
1884
01:30:41,895 --> 01:30:42,980
Goddamn!
1885
01:30:42,980 --> 01:30:45,357
I just wish it had happened
before we were about to die!
1886
01:30:45,357 --> 01:30:47,359
No, we're not gonna die.
1887
01:30:47,901 --> 01:30:48,735
Here.
1888
01:30:49,903 --> 01:30:52,948
You have always succeeded
by being exactly you.
1889
01:30:52,948 --> 01:30:54,825
Now, take off that shirt
1890
01:30:54,825 --> 01:30:58,495
and show those SOBs who you really are.
1891
01:31:02,249 --> 01:31:03,250
Hey!
1892
01:31:03,250 --> 01:31:05,335
[dramatic music playing]
1893
01:31:05,335 --> 01:31:08,422
[speaking in Russian]
1894
01:31:09,298 --> 01:31:10,132
[in English] Fuck.
1895
01:31:17,514 --> 01:31:20,601
[dramatic music continues]
1896
01:31:30,027 --> 01:31:32,613
THE MACHINE
1897
01:31:36,200 --> 01:31:39,453
Now you gotta party with me.
1898
01:31:40,078 --> 01:31:41,371
Who the fuck are you?
1899
01:31:41,371 --> 01:31:44,750
He's the motherfucking Machine!
1900
01:31:48,337 --> 01:31:49,922
[all laughing]
1901
01:31:49,922 --> 01:31:51,298
[guns cocking]
1902
01:31:51,298 --> 01:31:52,382
Oh, shit.
1903
01:31:54,051 --> 01:31:57,012
I'm bulletproof, baby! Yeah!
1904
01:31:57,012 --> 01:31:58,680
Come on! Yeah!
1905
01:31:58,680 --> 01:32:02,851
["More Human Than Human (Meet Bambi
in the King's Harem Remix)" playing]
1906
01:32:03,602 --> 01:32:05,604
Suck my dick, Captain America.
1907
01:32:11,235 --> 01:32:12,236
Machina!
1908
01:32:29,211 --> 01:32:31,088
What are you gonna do with a stick?
Come on.
1909
01:32:31,088 --> 01:32:34,341
♪ More human than human... ♪
1910
01:32:34,341 --> 01:32:35,884
I got your stick now.
1911
01:32:44,559 --> 01:32:45,811
Oh!
1912
01:32:49,773 --> 01:32:50,649
Not too bad.
1913
01:32:50,649 --> 01:32:51,942
Oh! [laughing]
1914
01:32:57,322 --> 01:32:59,032
- [speaks in Russian]
- Dad, put your hands down.
1915
01:32:59,032 --> 01:33:00,701
Get down now! Come on!
1916
01:33:00,701 --> 01:33:03,036
God, I'm so strong!
1917
01:33:03,036 --> 01:33:04,121
[yells]
1918
01:33:05,080 --> 01:33:06,665
Here we go. Dad, Dad. Down, down.
1919
01:33:08,333 --> 01:33:09,751
Help me fuck up Lenin.
1920
01:33:09,751 --> 01:33:10,919
- Let's do it.
- Come on!
1921
01:33:10,919 --> 01:33:12,462
[Bert yelling]
1922
01:33:18,802 --> 01:33:20,679
- Oh!
- [Albert] Oh! [laughs]
1923
01:33:20,679 --> 01:33:22,389
Take that, communist!
1924
01:33:22,389 --> 01:33:24,474
Hey. Eagle Scout.
1925
01:33:25,017 --> 01:33:27,519
We have a rematch.
1926
01:33:34,109 --> 01:33:35,861
- Hammer, Dad.
- Here.
1927
01:33:40,782 --> 01:33:43,076
♪ More human than human ♪
1928
01:33:43,076 --> 01:33:45,412
Oh, titty boy.
1929
01:33:45,412 --> 01:33:46,496
[Sponge laughs]
1930
01:33:49,249 --> 01:33:50,667
[Albert] I got you, son!
1931
01:33:52,544 --> 01:33:54,796
Dad! Dad!
1932
01:33:54,796 --> 01:33:56,715
Sorry, old man.
1933
01:34:04,931 --> 01:34:06,475
Absorb that, Sponge.
1934
01:34:06,475 --> 01:34:08,143
[laughs]
1935
01:34:08,143 --> 01:34:10,562
Oh, shit. Dad. Get off!
1936
01:34:10,562 --> 01:34:12,314
Are you okay? You okay?
1937
01:34:12,314 --> 01:34:15,067
I-- I saved you.
1938
01:34:15,650 --> 01:34:16,777
Yeah, you did.
1939
01:34:16,777 --> 01:34:18,070
[gunshot]
1940
01:34:18,070 --> 01:34:18,987
Oh, shit.
1941
01:34:18,987 --> 01:34:22,240
Come here! Come on, Dad, let's walk.
Oh, shit. Shit. Let me see.
1942
01:34:23,075 --> 01:34:25,911
- [gun cocks]
- You... are nothing...
1943
01:34:29,956 --> 01:34:34,044
but an ignorant, fat American
who has no respect.
1944
01:34:34,044 --> 01:34:36,880
Our father earned our respect.
1945
01:34:36,880 --> 01:34:39,883
[pensive classical music playing]
1946
01:34:40,509 --> 01:34:41,802
Your father...
1947
01:34:42,803 --> 01:34:44,262
sells carpets.
1948
01:34:45,847 --> 01:34:50,644
I think I will make him
watch you die, Machine.
1949
01:34:53,355 --> 01:34:54,856
My name's not Machine.
1950
01:34:59,236 --> 01:35:02,447
My name is Albert Charles Kreischer III,
1951
01:35:02,447 --> 01:35:05,075
son to Albert Charles Kreischer Jr.,
1952
01:35:05,075 --> 01:35:08,036
owner and operator of Kreischer Karpets,
1953
01:35:08,036 --> 01:35:11,373
the best goddamn carpets
you can find in Southwest Florida!
1954
01:35:11,373 --> 01:35:13,959
Three convenient locations.
1955
01:35:13,959 --> 01:35:15,544
[Albert] Tell him, Dad!
1956
01:35:15,544 --> 01:35:18,839
And if I ever see
your albino-looking ass again,
1957
01:35:18,839 --> 01:35:20,549
I'm gonna whip it quick as a bitch.
1958
01:35:20,549 --> 01:35:22,968
And last, but surely not least,
1959
01:35:22,968 --> 01:35:25,220
I'm gonna need that knife back.
That's a family heirloom.
1960
01:35:25,804 --> 01:35:26,721
Hm.
1961
01:35:27,806 --> 01:35:29,975
- You want knife?
- Oh, yeah.
1962
01:35:29,975 --> 01:35:32,811
[suspenseful music playing]
1963
01:35:32,811 --> 01:35:34,855
Oh, I wouldn't--
I wouldn't do it that way, though.
1964
01:35:34,855 --> 01:35:35,772
[Alexei grunts]
1965
01:35:35,772 --> 01:35:36,940
[Bert] Uh-oh.
1966
01:35:38,775 --> 01:35:41,445
I would have someone help you.
Oh, God. It's--
1967
01:35:41,445 --> 01:35:44,281
Oh, my Jesus. That's how Steve Irwin died.
1968
01:35:52,164 --> 01:35:54,875
Oh, my God.
1969
01:35:55,834 --> 01:35:58,628
You work out every day? That's--
Looks like an everyday thing.
1970
01:35:58,628 --> 01:36:00,922
- Enough talk.
- All right, yep.
1971
01:36:00,922 --> 01:36:02,048
[knuckles crack]
1972
01:36:03,133 --> 01:36:04,926
Oh. So now's when we bang, huh?
1973
01:36:04,926 --> 01:36:05,886
[speaks in Russian]
1974
01:36:05,886 --> 01:36:08,972
[dramatic music playing]
1975
01:36:25,906 --> 01:36:28,450
- [gasping]
- [Alexei groans]
1976
01:36:37,959 --> 01:36:40,337
[groans]
1977
01:36:42,005 --> 01:36:43,924
- [grunting]
- [shoulder pops]
1978
01:36:47,719 --> 01:36:49,012
[Bert] Okay, here we go.
1979
01:36:51,473 --> 01:36:54,476
[dramatic music playing]
1980
01:36:58,688 --> 01:37:00,273
So you can fight.
1981
01:37:01,066 --> 01:37:02,359
I went to Florida State.
1982
01:37:02,984 --> 01:37:05,362
All we know how to do is fight,
fuck, and drink.
1983
01:37:05,946 --> 01:37:07,614
And I can't fuck worth shit.
1984
01:37:33,139 --> 01:37:35,225
Oh. I just got that crown.
1985
01:37:42,649 --> 01:37:45,110
Would you like to know
why I hate you, Machine?
1986
01:37:45,110 --> 01:37:47,028
Oh, I'm dying to know.
1987
01:37:47,028 --> 01:37:51,700
All my life, men were measured
against your stupid legend.
1988
01:37:53,994 --> 01:37:55,370
"The best."
1989
01:37:56,329 --> 01:37:57,789
"The man's man."
1990
01:37:58,415 --> 01:37:59,833
I say, fuck that!
1991
01:38:01,209 --> 01:38:03,461
So I worked
to make myself better than you.
1992
01:38:04,170 --> 01:38:05,880
Stronger than you.
1993
01:38:05,880 --> 01:38:07,757
Look at you now, Machine.
1994
01:38:07,757 --> 01:38:09,259
You are nothing.
1995
01:38:12,095 --> 01:38:13,763
[Irina chuckles]
1996
01:38:13,763 --> 01:38:16,433
So dramatic, Alexei.
1997
01:38:16,433 --> 01:38:18,435
All these fucking speeches.
1998
01:38:22,606 --> 01:38:23,607
Irina.
1999
01:38:23,607 --> 01:38:27,611
Typical macho bullshit.
2000
01:38:29,487 --> 01:38:32,282
- Oh, Dad!
- Whoa, whoa, my arm!
2001
01:38:32,282 --> 01:38:34,618
- Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Son...
2002
01:38:35,535 --> 01:38:37,537
you didn't show fear.
2003
01:38:37,537 --> 01:38:39,831
[vehicles approaching]
2004
01:38:39,831 --> 01:38:41,666
[dramatic music playing]
2005
01:38:57,891 --> 01:39:00,352
[guns cocking]
2006
01:39:03,772 --> 01:39:04,731
[man in Russian] Enough!
2007
01:39:18,995 --> 01:39:21,790
Is this how I raised you?
2008
01:39:30,382 --> 01:39:31,591
Your watch, Papa.
2009
01:39:38,264 --> 01:39:41,101
[playing pensive classical music]
2010
01:39:41,101 --> 01:39:43,478
I brought it here to return it to you.
2011
01:39:51,152 --> 01:39:52,278
So...
2012
01:39:55,990 --> 01:39:58,076
it's clear that I have won.
2013
01:39:58,827 --> 01:39:59,828
[laughs]
2014
01:40:00,412 --> 01:40:04,290
[in English]
Oh, Irina. My beautiful daughter.
2015
01:40:04,999 --> 01:40:07,210
You want to take over?
2016
01:40:07,210 --> 01:40:10,380
You cannot even kill brother.
2017
01:40:10,380 --> 01:40:13,508
You become friends with idiot.
2018
01:40:14,134 --> 01:40:16,678
I would never give this to you.
2019
01:40:18,138 --> 01:40:20,390
Actually, can I step in for a second?
2020
01:40:21,641 --> 01:40:24,352
I think you guys should talk it out.
Now, me and my dad...
2021
01:40:25,311 --> 01:40:27,605
- This is Russia.
- Okay, okay.
2022
01:40:27,605 --> 01:40:31,359
We don't do your weak,
America, lovey-huggy shit.
2023
01:40:31,359 --> 01:40:32,444
[speaks in Russian]
2024
01:40:33,486 --> 01:40:36,948
[in English] Hugs are for pussies.
2025
01:40:37,532 --> 01:40:39,075
Well, that explains a lot.
2026
01:40:39,075 --> 01:40:42,162
[tense music playing]
2027
01:40:43,163 --> 01:40:46,040
Alexei understands.
2028
01:40:47,125 --> 01:40:50,211
It is why he will run family.
2029
01:40:51,004 --> 01:40:52,505
You are weak.
2030
01:40:52,505 --> 01:40:54,758
A leader must be a wolf.
2031
01:40:56,509 --> 01:40:59,554
Kill or be killed.
2032
01:40:59,554 --> 01:41:01,556
If you do not like it,
2033
01:41:02,932 --> 01:41:05,268
take it up with God.
2034
01:41:07,270 --> 01:41:08,730
But you first.
2035
01:41:09,898 --> 01:41:12,275
[music intensifies]
2036
01:41:30,418 --> 01:41:32,295
[music crescendos]
2037
01:41:32,295 --> 01:41:34,088
Did I do that?
2038
01:41:36,758 --> 01:41:40,470
[whimpers] I am definitely watching
Family Matters when we get home.
2039
01:41:40,470 --> 01:41:43,556
[dramatic music playing]
2040
01:42:03,159 --> 01:42:04,953
Look at that! Look at that! Look at that!
2041
01:42:06,913 --> 01:42:10,083
Irina, we can work together.
2042
01:42:10,083 --> 01:42:11,292
I am your brother.
2043
01:42:11,292 --> 01:42:12,794
Shut the fuck up!
2044
01:42:17,882 --> 01:42:20,218
Take him to our family dacha
while I decide
2045
01:42:20,218 --> 01:42:22,929
which part of him to cut off
for his insolence.
2046
01:42:22,929 --> 01:42:24,222
[speaks in Russian]
2047
01:42:24,222 --> 01:42:26,432
Fuck you, bitch. This is Russia.
2048
01:42:26,432 --> 01:42:30,019
- [Bert laughing]
- Machine, I will kill you someday!
2049
01:42:30,019 --> 01:42:31,980
- I don't think so.
- [Alexei] I will come for you!
2050
01:42:31,980 --> 01:42:34,065
- I don't know about that.
- Machine!
2051
01:42:34,065 --> 01:42:36,234
- I can't hear you.
- I will come for you!
2052
01:42:36,234 --> 01:42:38,695
Whoo! Go, me! Right?
2053
01:42:38,695 --> 01:42:39,863
That was awesome!
2054
01:42:39,863 --> 01:42:41,906
Thank you, Bert. You inspired me.
2055
01:42:41,906 --> 01:42:42,824
Wait, how?
2056
01:42:42,824 --> 01:42:45,201
When you said you're going
to kill your dad at Igor's house.
2057
01:42:45,201 --> 01:42:48,413
- You said you were gonna kill me?
- Well, yeah. You kicked me off a train.
2058
01:42:48,413 --> 01:42:50,999
Now go, before police shows up.
2059
01:42:51,583 --> 01:42:52,667
- And, Bert.
- Yeah?
2060
01:42:52,667 --> 01:42:54,210
Your daughter is sweet.
2061
01:42:54,210 --> 01:42:56,838
My DJ friend tells me she's a good girl.
2062
01:42:56,838 --> 01:42:59,799
- Some drugs. But smoke, not snort.
- Okay.
2063
01:42:59,799 --> 01:43:01,551
- Good girl.
- Yeah.
2064
01:43:01,551 --> 01:43:03,636
[Irina speaks in Russian]
2065
01:43:07,140 --> 01:43:08,349
[in English] You're a good dad.
2066
01:43:08,349 --> 01:43:09,684
Keep it up.
2067
01:43:10,226 --> 01:43:13,396
Or else your daughter may kill you.
[laughs]
2068
01:43:13,396 --> 01:43:15,565
[laughs nervously] Oh...
2069
01:43:17,025 --> 01:43:18,109
Thanks, Irina.
2070
01:43:19,527 --> 01:43:21,195
See you around, pussy boy.
2071
01:43:23,281 --> 01:43:26,284
[hopeful music playing]
2072
01:43:39,756 --> 01:43:42,050
[Sasha] Hey, deuces. Bye.
2073
01:43:42,050 --> 01:43:43,134
Bye, girl.
2074
01:43:46,888 --> 01:43:48,723
- Dad?
- [Bert] Keep it, sir. Thank you.
2075
01:43:48,723 --> 01:43:51,309
- Dad, look. Mom said that...
- Oh, my gosh!
2076
01:43:51,309 --> 01:43:53,019
- There she is! Come here!
- What?
2077
01:43:53,019 --> 01:43:54,646
Oh, my God, I love you.
2078
01:43:54,646 --> 01:43:57,649
I am so sorry. You are a fantastic kid.
2079
01:43:58,942 --> 01:44:01,736
No, look. I'm really sorry.
I was really mean at the party.
2080
01:44:02,820 --> 01:44:05,156
Look at us. We're apologizing.
2081
01:44:05,156 --> 01:44:07,075
I should be kidnapped to Russia
once a year
2082
01:44:07,075 --> 01:44:09,577
- just to make this happen, right?
- What?
2083
01:44:09,577 --> 01:44:11,162
Oh, there's the smile.
2084
01:44:11,162 --> 01:44:13,456
You did that smile
when you were a little girl.
2085
01:44:13,456 --> 01:44:15,249
You're still my little girl.
2086
01:44:16,668 --> 01:44:18,586
Oh! And there's my woman.
2087
01:44:18,586 --> 01:44:21,631
Oh, well, well.
It's nice to see you two back.
2088
01:44:21,631 --> 01:44:24,092
I hope you worked out
your shit finally be--
2089
01:44:24,092 --> 01:44:27,178
[tender music playing]
2090
01:44:28,054 --> 01:44:28,930
[LeeAnn] Mmm.
2091
01:44:30,348 --> 01:44:31,349
Wow.
2092
01:44:32,350 --> 01:44:33,476
The fuck are you wearing?
2093
01:44:33,476 --> 01:44:36,646
- Oh, my God, what is that smell?
- Okay, these are clothes.
2094
01:44:36,646 --> 01:44:38,189
I do not know what that smell is.
2095
01:44:38,189 --> 01:44:39,774
- Did you go to Vegas?
- I did not go to Vegas.
2096
01:44:39,774 --> 01:44:41,734
- Where's your dad?
- Dad's in Florida.
2097
01:44:41,734 --> 01:44:44,278
He's got a doctor buddy he plays golf with
who doesn't ask any questions.
2098
01:44:44,278 --> 01:44:46,072
We could all use one of those,
right, guys? Am I kidding?
2099
01:44:46,072 --> 01:44:48,700
- Dad! Hey!
- Oh, there she is!
2100
01:44:48,700 --> 01:44:50,159
From the top rope!
2101
01:44:50,159 --> 01:44:51,911
Oh, my gosh!
2102
01:44:51,911 --> 01:44:53,830
Oh, I love you! My favorite daughter!
2103
01:44:53,830 --> 01:44:55,540
- Just kidding. I'm not kidding.
- Hey.
2104
01:44:55,540 --> 01:44:57,750
I can't wait till you get kidnapped.
2105
01:44:58,918 --> 01:45:01,129
- What?
- Guys, Dad's back!
2106
01:45:01,129 --> 01:45:03,339
Dad's back! It's old-school Dad!
2107
01:45:03,339 --> 01:45:04,674
[therapist] How was your week?
2108
01:45:05,216 --> 01:45:07,301
Oof. Complicated.
2109
01:45:07,301 --> 01:45:10,513
Dear Ashley, are you still hot? I'm not.
2110
01:45:10,513 --> 01:45:12,682
I don't expect you to forgive me,
2111
01:45:12,682 --> 01:45:14,976
but I wanted to keep my promise.
2112
01:45:14,976 --> 01:45:17,687
Gifts are an important aspect
of Russian life.
2113
01:45:17,687 --> 01:45:19,689
So are apologies.
2114
01:45:19,689 --> 01:45:21,232
This is mine.
2115
01:45:21,941 --> 01:45:24,694
Last week,
the subject of your father came up,
2116
01:45:24,694 --> 01:45:26,696
and I thought we could explore that.
2117
01:45:27,697 --> 01:45:29,365
[Bert]
Jesus Christ, Dad. That Annika girl.
2118
01:45:29,365 --> 01:45:32,660
- Did you wear condoms?
- Oh, oh, oh. Will you stop? Stop.
2119
01:45:32,660 --> 01:45:34,245
- I'm just saying.
- I don't want to hear it again.
2120
01:45:34,245 --> 01:45:35,913
Please put that down the memory hole.
2121
01:45:35,913 --> 01:45:37,123
I can't, Dad.
2122
01:45:37,123 --> 01:45:39,459
Since when do you have
such a razor-sharp memory?
2123
01:45:39,459 --> 01:45:40,376
What happened--
2124
01:45:40,376 --> 01:45:42,837
When you say things like,
"Your mom is a missionary woman."
2125
01:45:42,837 --> 01:45:44,047
[Albert] Oh, no!
2126
01:45:44,047 --> 01:45:45,882
Nah, we're good.
2127
01:45:46,591 --> 01:45:47,592
You and your father?
2128
01:45:47,592 --> 01:45:50,261
Yeah. We're thick as thieves.
Butch and Sundance.
2129
01:45:50,261 --> 01:45:51,345
- Really?
- Yeah.
2130
01:45:52,388 --> 01:45:55,767
Well, if you don't mind,
can I ask how that resolved itself?
2131
01:45:55,767 --> 01:45:57,935
You can ask, but I don't think
you're gonna believe me.
2132
01:45:57,935 --> 01:45:59,604
Well, humor me.
2133
01:46:00,772 --> 01:46:01,773
Hm...
2134
01:46:03,232 --> 01:46:04,233
All right.
2135
01:46:05,401 --> 01:46:08,029
When I was 48 years old,
I got involved with the Russian mafia.
2136
01:46:08,029 --> 01:46:09,280
Here's how it happened.
2137
01:46:09,280 --> 01:46:10,364
["Father of Mine" playing]
2138
01:46:10,364 --> 01:46:14,952
♪ Father of mine
Tell me where have you been ♪
2139
01:46:14,952 --> 01:46:20,208
♪ You know I just closed my eyes
My whole world disappeared ♪
2140
01:46:20,208 --> 01:46:24,837
♪ Father of mine
Take me back to the day ♪
2141
01:46:24,837 --> 01:46:29,842
♪ Yeah, when I was still your golden boy
Back before you went away ♪
2142
01:46:29,842 --> 01:46:34,806
♪ I remember blue skies
Walking the block ♪
2143
01:46:34,806 --> 01:46:39,685
♪ I loved it when you held me high
I loved to hear you talk ♪
2144
01:46:39,685 --> 01:46:44,649
♪ You would take me to the movies
You would take me to the beach ♪
2145
01:46:44,649 --> 01:46:49,487
♪ You would take me to a place inside
That is so hard to reach ♪
2146
01:46:58,830 --> 01:47:00,039
What's up, Florida?
2147
01:47:00,039 --> 01:47:01,415
It's your boy, Bert Kreischer.
2148
01:47:01,415 --> 01:47:02,959
The Machine.
2149
01:47:02,959 --> 01:47:04,418
I love three things:
2150
01:47:04,418 --> 01:47:05,878
- Having a great time...
- [man] Yeah!
2151
01:47:05,878 --> 01:47:07,713
...making sure
other people have a great time,
2152
01:47:07,713 --> 01:47:08,881
and quality carpets
2153
01:47:08,881 --> 01:47:11,175
- delivered at a reasonable price.
- [man] Oh, yeah!
2154
01:47:11,175 --> 01:47:13,219
That's why,
if you're looking for some acrylic,
2155
01:47:13,219 --> 01:47:16,514
wool, plush, saxony, or level loop...
2156
01:47:16,514 --> 01:47:18,099
None of that nylon shit.
2157
01:47:18,099 --> 01:47:20,434
...you need to find your way
to a Kreischer Karpets.
2158
01:47:20,434 --> 01:47:22,854
It's my dad's business,
and he's right here.
2159
01:47:22,854 --> 01:47:24,105
Say hi, Dad.
2160
01:47:24,814 --> 01:47:27,817
Hey, son. You can't say a swear on TV.
2161
01:47:27,817 --> 01:47:30,695
The best goddamn carpets
in Southwest Florida.
2162
01:47:30,695 --> 01:47:33,865
That's Kreischer Karpets,
spelled weirdly with a K.
2163
01:47:33,865 --> 01:47:35,032
Take it off, Dad.
2164
01:47:35,825 --> 01:47:37,160
Okay, fine.
2165
01:47:40,538 --> 01:47:43,457
Did we mention we have
three convenient locations?
2166
01:47:46,043 --> 01:47:49,046
[pensive classical music playing]
2167
01:48:49,190 --> 01:48:52,193
[dramatic music playing]