[upbeat music]
- So, Kaley,
who you taking to the Solstice Dance this weekend?
- Ugh, I can't decide.
I mean, this is Valley High's most important
social event of the year.
- You think you have problems?
Ping-Pong just got canceled
'cause Coach Nader got a concussion.
- Dope stroll, Jake.
- Oh, is he-- - Guys...
we need to figure out how to beat Bayside
in the School Spirit Competition
that's over a year away right now.
- No, thanks.
- Ooh, we could fill their lockers with shaving cream?
- You're thinking too small.
- We could burn down their school and piss on the ashes.
- You're also thinking too small.
Guys, if we want to guarantee victory,
then we need to know their every move before they make it.
Get inside their heads.
Become Baysiders.
Oh, my God, that's it.
I'm gonna go undercover as a mole.
- But you can't, Jake. You're the King of Valley.
You can't go to Bayside. It's disgusting.
- It's also insane.
- So insane, it just might...
[tense music]
Go the way I want it to.
[record scratch] - Pause.
Check, please.
[school bell rings]
- * When I go to bed at one *
* Got to wake up on the run *
* Or I'll be late 'cause I keep hitting the snooze *
* All I want is half a waffle *
* But this pimple's looking awful *
* Got to skate on up to Valley *
* I think I found an excuse *
* It's all fine *
* I'm in the nick of time *
[dramatic music]
- You're a mole from Valley?
[all gasp] - Wow.
- Wait, but how could you be a mole?
I went undercover to research you.
- But I had all of Valley behind me covering my tracks.
The computer club faked my socials.
- [gasps]
- The rich kids pooled together their allowance
to get me a condo in the Bayside zip code.
And the drama kids gave me this nerdy persona
and taught me how to tuck my hair
behind my ear in a cute, shy way.
all: Aw.
- Babe. - I'm sorry.
- So you are evil? Mac was right?
- Yeah, and I don't know how he knew.
What gave it away?
Was it when I tried to sabotage the talent show
by getting you to perform?
- Hey, Daisy, your guilt convinced me.
I'm gonna compete in the talent show.
Thanks, bud. - What?
- Then me and Eunice are out. - Sorry, Daisy...
- Or was it when
my beloved Valley bulldog was excited to see me?
- [barks]
- Figure it out, Spirit Czar.
- Or was it when I made sure
that you were named Spirit Czar
'cause I knew you'd fail?
- You should be the Spirit Czar.
- Oh, my God. - [laughs]
- You finally see the talent in me.
- So, tell me, what was it?
- What you failed to consider is
I'm too self-absorbed to have noticed any of that.
I just hated you for no reason.
- Man, why are you bragging about a plan that didn't work?
Mac did a good job as Spirit Czar.
- Thank you. - Yes.
Which forced me to move to Plan B--
destroying all evidence of Bayside's volunteer hours.
- But I watched you upload
all of the hours to the Spirit database.
- You watched me upload them
to SoYouWantThisTo DisappearForever.com,
and then I handed them to you to shred and incinerate.
- Oh, yeah. I did do that.
[all groan] - Come on, now.
- Of course you did
'cause you're a gullible Bayside idiot.
- And what about me?
I guess I'm the biggest idiot of them all.
- Daisy. Daisy, wait.
I know how it sounds, but the only thing
that didn't go to plan was falling for you.
If we could just talk about-- - Talk about what?
I don't even know your real name.
- It's Jake Takamura.
Daisy, my feelings were real.
- Yo, man, I don't think she wants to talk to you right now.
- Yeah, why don't you get the hell out of here.
- You disgust me, Gil,
if that's even your real name. [spits]
- I just said it's Jake. - Yeah, I forgot! I know!
- Go.
[somber music]
* *
I just feel so stupid.
- Daisy, this kind of thing happens all the time.
- It does?
- Well, not this exact thing, but, you know,
you fall for someone and then later find out he's a cheater
or an organ harvester, or he has a secret room
full of Victorian dolls
who all wear tiny versions of your outfits.
- Hmm. [phone rings]
- It's Gil. Maybe I should-- - Uh! Mm-mm.
- Come on. I can handle talking to him.
I just need to know how much of it was a lie.
- The only thing that you need to know is
that boy's a full-on sociopath.
- Yeah, and he's gonna keep calling you,
so you better block his number now.
- Oh, I can't block numbers on my phone.
You have to put in a request with Marge
at the operator's office,
but she's on a Viking River Cruise this week.
- Well, then someone should stay with you
so you're not tempted to answer the phone...
someone like your best friend.
- Aisha's right.
I'll do it.
- Don't you have more important things to worry about?
Bayside's out of the Spirit Competition.
- Oh, we'll be competing.
Let's just say that I have one last trick up my sleeve...
Tattling to adults.
- He told my mom,
and she is the best at holding people accountable.
After the BP oil spill,
she got every executive there to adopt a pet duck,
only two of which were turned into pâté.
* *
- So Gil was a mole, huh?
[scoffs] I knew our generation was right
to have an irrational hatred of nerds.
- Mm. - So how's Daisy holding up?
- I'm not sure.
I offered to help, but she said she didn't want to talk.
- [scoffs] Man, Valley's so lucky we're grown-ups now,
'cause when we were kids, we met fire with fire.
- Remember when they stole Screech's lucky hat,
so we kidnapped their chess player?
He got sent back to Siberia.
Now his job is breaking rocks with his hands.
- Yeah, it took me a long time to realize
the best revenge is an open and honest conversation.
- Okay, you keep saying emotionally mature things.
You're barely sexist anymore. What's going on with you?
- Don't let this go to your head, but...
I took your advice and started doing a little therapy.
- Slater, I'm proud of you.
- Yeah, I think it's working, too.
Haven't punched a hole in a wall in, like, three days.
And that's only 'cause of the Dodger's lousy relief pitching.
That damn bullpen just-- [breathes deeply]
Breathe, Slater, breathe.
See?
[electricity crackles]
- What the hell was that? - Ooh.
Did you just feel a chill? - Yeah.
- Jessie, Slater, this is Pat Krampus.
She's the principal of Valley High.
- Let's make this fast.
I'm late for a very important dark summoning.
- Did you mean to say, like, meeting
or something normal like that?
- No.
* *
- So we just need you to call the Spirit board
and explain what your student did
so we can get our Spirit hours reinstated.
- Mm, I'm afraid I can't do that.
- But Gil cheated.
He destroyed all evidence of our students' hard work.
- And what about the hard work our sweet Gil put in?
He walked your disgusting halls.
He ate your disgusting food.
He took PE with your disgusting gym teacher, Slater.
- Hey, I'm Slater. - I know.
Look, Gil was a registered student,
so everything he did was completely within the rules.
Now, if that's all, I would literally rather stand
in a crypt full of spiders than sit here for one more moment,
which speaking of--
[scoffs] Yep, I'm late.
Hmm.
* *
- Huh.
I thought she was gonna be nice.
I mean, she gave me this beautiful necklace.
* *
- You should take that off.
- It doesn't want me to.
* *
Okay, so I told the Spirit board the situation,
and they refused to reinstate our hours.
[all groaning]
Listen, listen, there's still hope.
Look, all we need to qualify is
15,000 new volunteer hours before midnight tonight.
- That's impossible.
- Well, if we can't win, can we at least prank them back?
- No, no, no, no, no.
We're not wasting time on another prank.
Come on, think, think.
How do we get 15,000 volunteer hours in one day?
- Where's that Gil kid? He always had great ideas.
What?
I had a doctor's appointment yesterday.
What happened?
[phone rings]
- No.
- Damn. - Come on, one idea.
- Oof, this is hard.
- When I was in high school,
we just solved everything with a dance contest.
- Slater, that's it.
Look, 12 hours times the entire student body
of 1,250 students
equals exactly 15,000 hours.
both: A 12-hour dance-a-thon for charity!
- Okay, everyone, we need to start at noon
and dance for 12 hours straight.
No one can even stop for a minute.
- I will make it mandatory.
I will also be DJ. I took Diplo's master class.
Well, I watched an ad for it.
- Okay, guys, we're gonna pull this off in a way that Valley
never saw coming--
by working hard and playing by the rules.
Let's go, Bayside!
[cheers and applause]
- I am so proud of these kids for being so responsible.
- Yeah, and it's cool that they're doing it the right way
and not, like, pranking the principal or something.
- You wouldn't want to go prank
that evil Valley bitch, would you?
- Oh, so glad you said it first.
* *
- Chloe?
Hey, I'm sorry I didn't text you back last night.
Daisy was upset, so we ate ice cream
and watched her favorite chick flick--
the confirmation hearing of Sonia Sotomayor.
[both chuckle]
- Uh, so are you going to the dance later?
- Uh, oh, I-- I don't know.
- You don't have a choice.
Don't be all like, "Oh, I don't know."
You're going!
- God, it's going to be so tragic
with all the straight kids flossing
to the "Friends" theme song or whatever it is they do.
- Mm. - Uh...
if you ever need a break, maybe save me a dance?
- Oh, I--
[British accent] I shall reserve a spot for you
on my dance card, m'lady.
- Oh, Aisha, thank God I found you!
There's an urgent call from your...
What's something everyone has?
Hedge-maze trimmer. - [normal voice] Oh, yes.
* *
Thank you. When I'm nervous, my flirting gets real weird.
Was I doing a "Bridgerton" voice?
- Yeah, I could sense you were about to tip an invisible cap.
- [groans softly]
I might have a little bit of a crush.
And it might kind of be my first crush like this.
- Oh, wow.
- Oh, I mean, on someone I know.
There was Sue Bird, Janelle Monáe,
this headless mannequin at PacSun
wearing board shorts and a bikini top.
Oh.
You know, you're kind of
the first person that I've talked to about this.
- Well, I'm honored but not surprised.
I've always been an amazing listener.
- [chuckles] - And Chloe's really cool.
- Yeah, but...
going to the dance with her
or even walking down the hall with her
feels like an announcement that I'm not ready to make.
- Well, you'll know when you're ready.
And if you do decide to dance with Chloe tonight,
no one's gonna be watching because--
and I don't want to be giving it away--
my dress will be alive.
* *
- I can't believe the security guard
bought that we were lunch ladies.
- You really sold it.
I didn't realize you knew so much
about the process of manufacturing chicken nuggets.
Okay, now, we don't have much time.
- I still think we should've done my idea.
You know how many joke shops I had to go to
to get this trick pen?
Two, but the prices were higher at the second one,
so then I had to drive back to the first.
- Slater, a leaky pen is not good enough.
We need to do real damage.
Okay, I'm in her iCal right now,
moving all her meetings by a half hour.
She's gonna be late to things for months,
except her niece's wedding, where she'll arrive
three hours early and be forced to set up the chairs.
- Ooh, that--that's good right there.
Yeah, you-- you got her on that one.
- Oh, we got to get out of here.
She has a meeting with the superintendent.
- Brenda, I'm back from that hellhole.
* *
[both grunt]
- Okay, if it--if there was a rat skeleton
three inches from your hand, would you want to know?
- We're lucky Lexi got a partnership
with the SpaceX energy drink.
Can't believe they sent us so many free cases.
- Yeah. Manufactured in...
"Help us. We're in a sweat shop orbiting Earth."
[phone rings] - No.
Why do you want to talk to that monster anyways?
- I just have a lot of questions.
Like, if you were an evil mole with no real emotion,
then why would you want me to tell my mom about you?
- To signal that my feelings are serious
so that you obsess over it,
impairing your decision-making abilities
and leading you to name an incompetent idiot Spirit Czar.
- Whoa.
Of course. Mac, I don't need Gil to get answers.
I just need you.
You and Gil are the same kind of monster.
- What? No, he's a bad monster.
I'm a fun monster like Elmo
or Grover or James Corden.
- Are you gonna help me or not?
- Why? It's not gonna change what he did.
- Yeah, but if he actually liked me,
it means he tricked me 5% less,
and that'll make me feel 5% less stupid.
- All right, I'll help you.
[phone rings]
No.
- Okay, everybody, the only rules are--
number one, you must always be dancing,
even during the bathroom breaks.
Number two, have fun out there.
I'm just kidding.
I don't care if it's fun! It's for Spirit!
- [clears throat] - Oh, this is Barry.
Barry is from the Spirit Association.
He's here to make sure that everything is aboveboard.
Do not try to bribe Barry.
He's independently wealthy.
He's just doing this as a post-retirement gig
because he loves rules.
All right.
Let the dance-a-thon begin. [whistle blows]
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat dance music plays]
* *
- Whoo! We're definitely going to make it.
I'm not tired at all! - It's been 10 seconds.
* *
- * Let's go to work *
* To the left *
* Take it back now, y'all *
- Wow, I've never seen someone
so confidently do the Cha Cha Slide wrong.
- Oh, I don't follow instructions.
My IKEA bookshelf is a wooden board
with exposed nails that I impale my books on.
- Oh, you think you're badass?
I still haven't passed my driver's ed test
'cause I refuse to let a sign tell me what to do.
Yield? You yield. - Yeah.
- * Come on cha-cha now, y'all *
- Hey, okay, so why did Gil tell me
his most embarrassing secret,
like how he pooped his pants in kindergarten?
- Why is every Disney character an orphan?
Sharing a sad fact about his past
immediately makes you sympathize with him.
- Okay, then why did Gil give me this bracelet
that's been in his family for generations?
Bracelet that's been in his family for generations.
It was a recording device? - Mm-hmm.
- There's got to be something else.
Come on, conga us out of here.
- * Left foot this time *
* Charlie Brown *
- [groans] How long do we have to hide up here?
My Fitbit said I was supposed to do
jumping jacks ten minutes ago.
She's gonna be mad at me.
- We'll stay up here all day if we have to.
It'll all be worth it when that mean lady's life
is upended by my brilliant prank.
- Brenda, something's wrong with my iCal.
* *
All my meetings are a half hour later for some reason.
Oh, never mind. I fixed it.
- I told you we did it. - Did what?
Get her shirt dirty?
I wanted to destroy her life.
* *
- [sighs]
Oh.
- Pat, why are you half-naked? - Oh...
- My wife is here.
- [gasps] Roger, I knew you were having an affair.
- No, I don't know why she'd do this.
She's crazy.
- Oh, the only person who's crazy is me
for believing that a man could change.
* *
- You had to force my hand, didn't you, Pat?
- No.
- You couldn't let me tell her in my own time.
- No, it was an accident. It was the pen.
- No more excuses. It's over, Pat.
- Roger, no! But I love you!
It was the pen!
The pen.
- You're a genius. - Yes.
- Now let's get out of here.
- Oh, wait, Jessie...
don't be scared, but...
there's a rat skull in your hair.
* *
- I'm getting tired. - No, you're not.
Here, have some of my water.
It tastes gross, but the more I drink it, the better I feel.
- Bro, this is an energy drink. It's full of caffeine.
- Caffeine, that's the stuff
my mom doesn't let us keep in the house.
- I-I see why.
- Hey, my heart feels cool,
like it's trying to escape.
Okay. - Okay.
* *
- Oh, it's just snakeskin.
I was scared when you said it would be alive.
- Yeah, just snakeskin. [chuckles]
Shh. [chuckles]
So I saw you dancing with Chloe.
Looked like you were having fun.
- We are. It's been chill.
Mostly just dancing in a big group.
- So no slow dances?
- I want to, but I keep getting nervous
and making up an excuse whenever a slow song starts.
I told her I thought
"All My Life" by K-Ci & JoJo is overrated.
- And she bought that?
[gasps] Look, he was doodling my name
and he even drew little hearts over the I's.
That's got to be good. - Oh, that's really bad.
He was practicing your signature.
- [sighs]
* *
- [gasps]
* *
We're good. - Okay.
All right, what else?
[gasps]
Oh, my God, look, he was going to surprise me
with tickets to my favorite comedy show.
- Uh, I would hardly call a live taping
of "Pod Save America" a comedy show.
- But look at the date, it's weeks after the Spirit contest.
This proves it-- his feelings were real.
- Oh, Daisy, come on.
This is a textbook diversion tactic.
You always keep tickets to a future event
in your back pocket in case your target gets suspicious.
I'm supposed to go the 2028 Olympics
with, like, three different girls.
- Okay, fine, but there's got to be something else.
* *
What the--
Is this his phone?
- Oh, snap. This is his real phone.
Let's see what we got.
Oh, this is weird. Look at his email drafts.
- "I hope you can forgive me, and in spite of everything,
"maybe one day we can be together.
Yours, Jake Takamura."
- Did he sign with his real name?
- Yeah. Okay, so what's the explanation?
- There isn't one.
Once a mark knows you by your alias,
you never give up your real name.
There's a woman in Pasadena
who thinks she's married to Donnie Dingleberry.
These emails are legit.
- Okay, so that means...
he did care about me? - Yeah, I guess.
That's good, though, right?
That's what you wanted.
* *
- * Beat down, make it better *
* On the floor, we make it better *
* Break that beat down *
* Make it better *
* On the floor, we make it better *
[Michael Bolton's "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You"]
- Want to dance?
* *
- [British accent] 'Twould be an honor.
[chuckles awkwardly]
[clears throat, normal voice] I mean, yes.
That would be nice.
- * I could hardly believe it *
* When I heard the news today *
* I had to come and get it straight from you *
- I know we're always ragging on how stupid we were
back in high school, but maybe we weren't all wrong.
- * Swept your heart away *
- Dancing can solve problems.
Pranks are hilarious.
Even our clothes are back in style again.
The theme for the next Met ball is the TGIF lineup.
- Yeah, I guess if you give it enough time,
everything comes back around.
- * Oh *
- Well, at least the good things.
* *
- * Tell me, how am I... *
- Um, my tire... I need to check it.
- * Now that I've been loving you so long *
- I see a yearbook cover! [camera shutter clicks]
So cute!
- Oh, my God. Are you okay?
- I'm fine. I'm fine.
I can Kerri Strug it.
- [groans] - Oh, no, Spencer.
Spence, can you hear me?
Listen to my voice. Who is the president?
- Of the Academy? Laura Dern. - She lost!
It's casting director David Rubin.
Oh, God, he's concussed.
- But we need every single student.
Hey, how about we tie strings to him,
and I Pinocchio his little body from the ceiling?
That should--I mean, his health is my first priority.
Let's just get you to the hospital.
- Oh, God. - [groans]
- Somebody order an Uber Black.
- Uh, it seems like you need some space.
- Uh... [groans]
- This is a disaster.
Without Spencer, we won't qualify.
- Yeah! One hour left and only 1,249 dancers.
That's one hour short, but if I dance fast enough,
I can look like two people. Watch, it'll be good.
- * How am I supposed to live without you? *
- Oh. - Oh.
[phone rings]
- [sighs]
Hey.
Yeah, we do need to talk.
Can I see you?
- Everybody just keep dancing. I'll think of a plan.
What if we separated the conjoined twins?
- Not on their birthday.
- With enough stage makeup, I could play Spencer.
- But who'd play Lexi?
- You're right-- it's an impossible role
that only exposes an actresses weakness, like Jackie Kennedy.
- [sighs]
* *
- Wow.
Thanks for meeting me.
I just wanted a chance to explain.
- What is there to explain?
You've been lying to me since I met you.
- Well, I have no reason to lie anymore.
And the truth is, you are the best person I've ever met.
I mean, you do community service,
even when it's not for points.
You went to your brother's clarinet recital voluntarily.
And while we sat there listening to his rendition
of "Imagine," which I can respectfully say
is the worst thing that's ever happened to John Lennon,
I looked at you watching him proudly.
And I realized, I want to see the world the way you do.
You bring out the good in people
and make everyone around you better.
- Well, I didn't make you better...
and it sucks.
I thought you were my first real boyfriend.
I thought you were gonna carry my books,
and we'd be cute at dances like this,
but now we never will.
[soft music playing inside]
* *
- Well, at least let me make it up to you.
We can have our first dance right here, right now.
- * I wonder where this road *
* Might carry and take me *
* I wonder how this load might make or break me *
* Following the man that has... *
- Okay, what are we gonna do?
- We could trick Jamie's mom into seducing Barry?
No, but how'd that make Jamie feel?
- Who cares? Barry's doing his final check.
We need an evil Mac scheme.
- Schemes don't have to be evil.
Schindler's list was a scheme.
- Well, maybe we can still be together?
- How?
I don't even really know you.
- But you do. It wasn't all lies.
I know how I feel when I'm around you.
That's real.
You can't say you don't feel it, too.
- I do, but it doesn't matter.
Even if I forgive you,
no one at this school ever will.
- Well, since when do you care what they think?
That's what so special about you.
You're not like the rest of them.
You're not a Bayside kid.
* *
- I'm as Bayside as they come, loser.
[whistle blows]
- Is it over?
- Wait, what's going on?
- This isn't just any school dance.
This is a charity dance-a-thon.
And while you were all like,
"Boo-hoo, my feelings were real,"
we were dancing.
You just helped Bayside get the exact number
of hours needed to qualify for Spirit.
- This can't be true. - It is.
You're a registered Bayside student, remember?
- Well, you'll never win.
Our entire school's been preparing for this all year.
- It doesn't matter.
You're going down, asshole.
- Daisy, language.
Just kidding. That was [bleep] awesome!
- Oh. [squeals]
Bye.
[dramatic music]
- Did we make it?
- It is my great pleasure to announce that Bayside
has officially qualified to compete
in the High School Spirit Competition.
[cheers and applause]
- Yes! I'm so excited!
I'm so excited!
I'm so--[retches]
- Hey.
So I was looking through Spencer's camera
and thought I should probably delete these
before I give it back.
[camera beeps]
- We're cute, aren't we?
Don't delete these.
Hey, uh, Chloe, can I talk to you for a second?
Um, I know that it looked like that I'd rather assault someone
than be photographed with you, but--
- It looked like that because that's what happened.
I'm sorry if I read the vibe wrong.
- You didn't. Um...
I'm bi, and...
I've never said that out loud before.
So, uh, if you're cool with, like...
going at my speed...
I'd really like to keep hanging out with you.
- [British accent] Blimey,
I'd like that a lot, ma'am.
[both chuckle]
[soft music]
* *
- Hey.
You feeling okay?
- I fooled Gil the same way he fooled me,
but I still feel stupid.
- You didn't know. - But I should've.
I wish I can fast-forward through high school
and be a smart, rational adult
with a sensible four-door sedan with radio presets for NPR.
- Daisy, being an adult
doesn't protect you from feeling stupid.
Whether you find out your boyfriend's a mole
or you spend 20 years married to a man who doesn't believe
in vaccines but did eat a fungus to get high...
- Did your husband do that?
- No, all husbands do that.
These examples are universal. - Oh.
- My point is, love is kind of stupid.
It requires you to put yourself out there
knowing there's a chance that it's going to end in disaster.
- So just avoid love at all costs?
- No, just because it's stupid doesn't mean it's not worth it.
Sometimes being stupid is the bravest thing you can do.
* *
- [high-pitched voice] I didn't steal these.
They said I could have them.
- Oh, my God, you are so stupid.
* *
- Whoa.
* *