- Happy one month anniversary,
- Right, it's our anniversary.
- I got you a little something.
- Oh, my God.
The Scotch TL901X Heavy-Duty Laminator
with the five-millimeter thermal pouch?
Gil.
- You like it? - Yes.
Now I can keep my notes pristine
and show them to my grandchildren.
Our grandchildren.
No, too much.
Anyway, I got you the perfect gift too.
I didn't.
- It's okay if you didn't.
- I did.
I didn't.
I just wanted you to have your moment
before I totally out-gift you later.
- Daisy, stop what you're doing.
I need your help.
- I'm kinda in the middle of something.
- I know. That's why I said, "Stop."
I need to upload all the hours for the Spirit Competition,
and I need you to show me how to do it.
- Actually, I've been logging the hours.
- [gasps] - I could help you if you want.
- Jesus, Gil, where'd you come from?
Me and Daisy are having this private moment,
and you just, like, butt in
and start rambling about Spirit hours?
Rude.
- There's been a murder.
- No!
Take me instead, God.
Go on. Make the swap, you coward.
- "Suck it losers. See you at Spirit in two weeks.
Cold regards, Valley."
Those bastards.
- What's the big deal?
We stole their mascot two weeks ago.
- Stealing a mascot is a fun, whimsical tradition.
Murdering our beloved Trevor
is a declaration of war.
all: Yeah!
- Okay, Spirit Czar, what are you thinking for revenge?
Ooh, you can do that thing you did to Toddman one time
where he went to sleep in his own bed
and then woke up naked on "The Price is Right."
- I'll think of something later.
I got a more time-sensitive project
that I got to take care of first.
- Come on! Our bitter rivals just destroyed our mascot,
and you're focused on pranking one of our own students?
- Listen, you can't focus on your enemies abroad
until you take care of the ones at home.
- Gil isn't an enemy. He's perfectly nice.
Just admit what this is really about.
Dude, you like Daisy.
- No, dude. I hate Gil.
Something's off about him,
and I'm a great judge of character.
Remember when I called it with Armie Hammer?
If you're that tall, handsome, and rich
and can't pop as a leading man,
you're definitely a cannibal.
- Just don't do anything terrible to Gil, okay?
- Jamie, what was the most important lesson we all learned
from Zach Braff's seminal episode of "Punk'd?"
- A prank reveals a person's true nature.
- Let's just say
Gil is about to expose himself to me at school,
and I'm gonna love every second of it.
[bell rings]
- * When I wake up in the morning *
* The alarm gives out a warning *
* I don't think I'll ever make it on time *
* By the time I grab my books and I give myself a look *
* I'm at the corner just in time *
* It's all right, it's all right *
* Saved by the bell It's all right *
* It's all right, it's all right *
* 'Cause I'm saved by the bell *
[bell rings]
- Guys, emergency. Gil got me the perfect gift,
and I forgot it was our anniversary.
- Damn, the first gift for a relationship
is a make-or-break moment.
My romance with Lil Huddy was going great,
until I got him a book
about the covered bridges of New England.
- I knew it. I'm doomed.
- Gil knows me so well. Why don't I know him at all?
- Of course you do.
Gil is basically a boy Daisy.
Just get him something from
that dumb fantasy book that you like so much.
- "The Dungeon Songs of Wheelengraffe" is not a book.
It's a 16 book saga, soon-to-be TV show
that I'm worried about, 'cause it's on Freeform
and they don't have the budget. - Mm.
- But your hurtful insult did give me a good idea.
Thank you.
- Yo, some greasy creep just gave me his card.
He said he saw me in a musical last weekend,
and I should "audition" for him.
- DeVante, that's no greasy creep.
That's greasy, well-respected, recording exec, Phil Dapotone.
He's managed all the hottest
non-Korean boy bands in recent memory.
Young Men on the Street, Boyz II Guyz, BLACKHANDSOME.
This type of thing happens at Bayside all the time.
- It happened back in my day too.
Sorry to eavesdrop.
I'm just waiting for my takeout.
- See? Mrs. Morris, when you were in high school,
didn't a photographer just randomly walk into Bayside
and make you a model?
- And he took me to Paris for one month.
It was cool.
I tried cigarettes.
- Hope you're hungry for magic.
It's a takeout order.
The magic's to go.
all: Oh.
- All right, look, you're talented
and you deserve cool opportunities like this.
And I deserve 10% of all your earnings,
because this interaction makes me your agent now.
- I'm not even sure if I want to do this.
Do I really need an agent?
- Well, you tell Phil
he needs to take his head out of his ass
long enough to see my client's a star!
It's his eight-year-old daughter.
She'll give him the message.
- I just don't know how to tell Zack
I hate the nude portrait he painted of me.
The boobs are photorealistic,
but the face is just two dots and a line.
Hey, will you pass me a napkin? - Yeah.
- Thanks. - Speaking of things
you definitely need to tell Zack,
did you ever talk to him about medical school?
- I actually never had to.
It was the craziest thing.
The day that I was gonna register for the MCATS,
the website was down for maintenance.
- So did you try again the next day?
- After a sign like that?
I mean, the universe was obviously telling me
that I shouldn't go to med school.
- Oh, come on, Kelly.
Adults don't make decisions based on magical signs.
- Oh, I do.
I mean, I started my company
because an owl told me to in a dream.
When I order at a restaurant,
I just close my eyes and I point.
That's why I'm eating a side of sour cream for lunch right now.
- I was wondering about that.
- Fate is real, Jessie.
I mean, how else would you explain the fact
that you're working at the same school
as your first love
while you just so happen to be newly single?
- First of all, I don't even think about Slater's butt.
I mean--I mean his butt.
I--I mean Slater.
And it is not a sign that he works here.
Mr. Dewey works here too. Should I date him?
- You couldn't handle it.
- Okay, let me tell you a story about fate, right?
In college, I was accepted
to a prestigious semester at sea program.
But then Zack asked me to stay home
and marry him instead.
- What? - I know.
So romantic, right?
But I said, "No."
And then days later,
I'm on the boat and we're about ready to set sail.
And then I asked the universe to send me a sign
that I made the right decision.
And just then, I see Zack's face in the water,
because he's standing right behind me
wearing a humongous jean jacket.
So I got off the boat, and married him right away.
Pretty spooky, huh?
- Kelly, that wasn't fate.
That was your boyfriend
going to a place he knew you'd be
and continuing a conversation from earlier.
- No.
No, no, the universe
would never lead me to a bad decision.
Jessie, if I didn't get off the boat,
I could have lost Zack forever.
- Or you could've talked to him on the phone every day
and married him when you got back?
- Boats have phones?
Oh, God.
Wait, if fate didn't make the decision, then who did?
My dumb ass?
[bell rings] - D, baby.
So I finally connected with Dapotone.
Turns out the audition's for a boy band
targeted at pre-teens.
I talked them out of changing your name to Lil Dimples,
but you are gonna have to get braces.
- Yeah, I'm out. - Oh, come on.
- Lexi, I don't want to be a sex symbol for children.
- Sex symbol?
Lil' Dimples is gonna be the shy one.
- You said I wouldn't have to change my name.
- I'm an agent. I lie.
- Okay, I don't want to do this.
I don't even know if I want to sing professionally.
- DeVante, I know it's scary.
But if your dreams don't scare you a little bit,
then they aren't big enough.
I read that on a pop-up ad for a dildo.
This is your shot. The moment that's gonna change
the course of your entire life.
[chill pop music]
* *
You'll perform for thousands of adoring fans.
- * Love is like riding a bike *
* I haven't learned to do it yet *
- And sure, you'll have to do the kid stuff first.
But after a couple of years,
you'll go solo with an album cover that says,
"I have sex now,
but also Jesus."
You'll be rich beyond your wildest dreams,
and leave behind everyone you've ever known.
- What about my grandma?
- Uh, obviously you'll buy her
an identical mansion across the street.
- Hey, baby. I'm so proud of you.
- But you'll have gotten her so much plastic surgery
that she'll be unrecognizable.
- I'm dating Ray J now.
He loves the new butt you got me.
- Okay, a lot of that was weird.
But I'm not mad at the idea
of buying my grandma a dope-ass crib.
- Yes, exactly. I'm so excited, DeVante.
My publicist has been telling me
I have too many not-famous friends.
And honestly, you were on the cut list.
[chuckles]
- So you take the Spirit time card
and scan it into the computer.
Then you shred the physical copy
to avoid duplicate submissions.
And finally you upload the file to the Spirit server
and you're done.
Easy. - Easy, huh?
So easy a baby could do it?
- Well, no, not that easy. I mean the first ten times
I explained it, you shredded the lower part of your shirt.
- Speaking of babies.
- What's happening? What is this?
- Hi, I'm Gil Vatooley,
and welcome to my widdle tea pawwty.
[laughter]
- [chuckles nervously] Th--that's not me.
I don't talk wike that.
Only when I'm weally nervous.
And now, for the main course,
I'm gonna eat poopie from a diaper.
- Man, that's crazy.
I guess you have no choice but to drop out of school.
- Mac, I don't know what I did to you
to deserve this prank,
but I'm really sorry.
- Uh, what?
- Whatever it was, it must've been pretty hurtful
for you to have spent all that money on a deepfake.
Not to mention hiring an actor
and filling a diaper with pudding.
- Right, pudding.
- Well, Mac, you were right.
The prank revealed who he truly is.
A nice, mature guy like I told you.
So can you please stop now?
- I will never stop ever.
I want Gil out of Bayside.
But, you know, then I'll stop.
'Cause at that point, I'll have gotten what want I wanted.
- Mac, honey, dinner's ready.
I set a place for your dollies.
[laughter]
- * Bayside is the school that's cool *
* And you know that it's true *
[all weeping]
- Jamie, what's Mac planning to get back at Valley?
If it helps, my cousin's their head cheerleader
and she's got a really deadly shellfish allergy.
- Uh, don't worry. Mac's on top of it.
- Yes!
- Hey, I need your help.
Mac is obsessed with destroying Gil.
- Why? He'd be so boring to destroy.
Like, why crash a Corolla when you can explode a Lambo?
- Because Mac is in love with Daisy.
- What? No, he's not.
Mac's in love with me,
and Daisy's in love with me.
- Please, we're the only ones who can stop him.
What would Mac do if he really wanted to get rid of someone?
- Well, he might pull a Cincinnati Hiatus
or a Maltese Pigeon.
Or if he was desperate, a Poopoo Tea Party.
- [gasps] He's already done that.
Lexi, what is the worst prank ever?
Because that's what he's up to.
- Oh, no. It couldn't be.
Run with me and look hot doing it.
- If fate doesn't exist,
what other stupid decisions have I made?
I named my son Mac
because there was a MacGyver marathon on
when I was in labor.
His full name is MacGyver Marathon Morris.
- Yeesh.
Hey, the past is behind you.
You have an important decision to make now.
Do you want to go to medical school?
- I don't know. - Okay, okay.
You just need to think about this logically.
Oh, why don't we do a pros and cons list?
That's what I always do when I have a big decision.
- Okay.
- Oh, wait. Don't look at that.
That's something else.
Okay, let's start with pros.
Why do you want to be a doctor?
- Well, I want to help people. - Okay.
- Cutting into a living body would make me feel like a god.
And yummy snacks in the doctor's lounge.
- Great.
Do you have any cons? - Hmm.
Well, med school's probably gonna be a lot of work,
and I'd have less time to spend with the boys.
- But Mac will be in college soon.
Well, he'll be done with high school, probably.
- Jessie, you're right.
I'm old enough to have a kid in college.
By the time I finish school, I'll be 52.
You add a residency
and I won't start practicing until I'm 60.
- Okay, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
- I mean, if we think about this logically,
this is a terrible idea.
- Okay, let's just finish our lunch
and talk about this.
Maybe logic is overrated.
There's still magic in the world.
Here, have a french fry.
- There's a dead dove in here.
- Oh.
- Hey, Mr. Anniversary.
Ugh, no.
Remember how I said I was gonna totally out-gift you
and it was out of confidence and not fear?
Well, check your email.
- Okay.
All right.
- Hello, young man.
I hear it's your anniversary,
and I just want to wish you the best on your special day.
- Wow, that's so cool.
- Wait, do you not know who that is?
- I'm sorry.
- It's L.M. Millencratz,
author of our favorite book series,
"The Dungeon Songs of Wheelengraffe."
- Oh, see, I just never looked up a picture of her,
'cause it kinda ruins the fantasy for me
when I think of a normal person just making it all up.
- Oh, God. My gift ruined your favorite book series.
Good thing I have a much better gift coming.
Why do I keep doing this?
- * Falling off my bike I could scrape my knee *
* But falling for you girl could really wreck me *
* Oh *
[applause] - Wow!
DeVante, you did not disappoint.
You're like a young Black Mel Tormé.
- Uh, thank you?
- What did I tell you, Franco?
We definitely have to have him stick around
till 4:00 to meet Chuck.
- Oh, I actually gotta get back to school.
I slipped out during gym class,
and right now I'm clocking an 85-minute mile.
- Ooh, you're still in school?
That's not gonna work while you're on tour.
- Oh, but I'm 17.
I gotta go to school. - No, you don't.
You know who didn't go to school?
Me, Justin Bieber, Barack Obama, Shirley Temple.
- No, I'm pretty sure Barack Obama went to school.
- Oh, he did? I didn't know that.
I didn't go to school.
Look, if you're really into this learning thing,
I'll get you a book on brain teasers.
But you are not gonna give up on an opportunity like this.
This is your shot.
- We knew you'd be here.
You're planning the Pharaoh's Throne, aren't you?
- So what if I am? - Mac!
That prank has been outlawed for centuries.
- You can't stop me.
- Oh, yes, we can.
Because this is a prankstervention.
We're not leaving this room
until you call off the prank
and admit you're in love with Daisy.
- No!
Also, can you tighten these handcuffs a little?
- Good news.
I finally nailed the perfect gift for Gil.
I made a homemade coupon book and slipped it into his locker.
Bad news, I also accidentally slipped my bus card in there.
But you know what? There's a buck 75 on it.
Let him see the city.
- Great. Problem solved.
- You think it's a bad gift.
- No, coupon books are cool.
- Oh, hell yeah, they are.
Coupon books are my go-to gift.
Beats having to pony up for a real present.
Plus it's great if you don't really know the person.
Super generic.
- Oh, my God. - Okay, it's a bad gift.
- I'm a terrible girlfriend. - No, you're not.
You're just in your head about your first relationship,
but everything is not riding on this one gift.
- Yeah, you're right.
This gift isn't gonna destroy anything.
Because I'm gonna break into his locker
and get that damn coupon book before he ever finds it.
- Daisy!
- Oh, so everyone is just gonna blow off gym today, huh?
All right, what's gonna happen when you go on a job interview
and they ask you to run a mile? Then what?
- What is that?
You know I only drink limited edition
cotton candy flavored Yoo-Hoos.
- It's green juice.
And you're gonna chug the whole thing
unless you admit your feelings.
- Come on, man.
- Yeah.
- [exhales deeply]
The only thing
that I'm going to admit
is that I just got strong like Popeye!
Ow, my fingies.
- Maybe that didn't break you,
but let's see how long you last
reading the autobiography of the boring loser
who invented the dimmer switch.
Page one. "Fade in...on my life--"
Please, Lexi!
This is so boring, I'm gonna die.
- Oh? - Lightning round.
Where were you last Sunday at 11:45 p.m.?
- At a back alley poker game.
- What's your greatest fear? - Maroon 5 breaks up.
- What's your favorite animal? - Animal from "The Muppets."
- What's Daisy's birthday? - July 12th.
[both gasp]
- You've never learned a single person's birthday.
C'mon, Mac. Just be honest with yourself.
- No, I--I don't like Daisy.
What's to like?
That everyone sees me as a monster except for her?
That she's the only soul
to ever glimpse the light beneath my darkness?
Should I like that she encourages me
not to let external expectations
limit my inherent potential?
And that her smile is pretty?
Just the right amount of teeth.
Am I supposed to like all that?
both: Mmm.
Oh, my God.
I like Daisy.
Okay, the prank's off.
- [exhales] I'm proud of you, man.
- And just a reminder,
our friendship contract states
I only have to keep quiet about romance-related secrets
for six business days.
- Hey, Kelly. Long time no see.
- Weren't you at our house yesterday
having a cannonball contest with Zack?
- Yeah, my splashes are normally much bigger.
There's something wrong with your pool.
Everything okay?
- Yeah, I just kinda had a bummer lunch with Jessie.
- Was she going on and on again about climate change?
Ugh.
Like, who cares?
Santa can just ride a surfboard.
It does--[chokes]
- Are you okay?
- No, choking! I need--I need a doctor.
- [gasps] Oh, my God. It's a sign.
Okay, your airway is blocked.
I'm gonna have to perform a tracheotomy.
- [coughs] Wait! What about the Heimlich?
- No, there's no time for that.
Back up, kids!
Coach Slater is about to lose a lot of blood.
- Jessie made me do it. I'm not really choking.
- Yeah, no kidding.
- C--can I still come over tonight?
I promise I'll wear a swimsuit this time.
- Kelly, what happened?
You look like you just had a life-changing
encounter with fate. - You wish.
Slater is a terrible actor.
Don't you remember when he played FDR
in the school play, and he kept getting out
of the wheelchair to do break dancing moves?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I just don't want you to give up
on going to med school. - Why? It's a bad idea.
- It's not a bad idea if you want it.
And I think you really want it, don't you?
- I--I don't know.
I have a hard time saying what I want.
You know, I think being one of seven children,
you're used to taking the back seat.
Or at least in my case, the third row,
stretched across your brothers like a seatbelt.
I think that's why I like the idea of fate.
You know, someone else making the decision for me
so I don't have to.
- Fine, I'll make the decision for you.
You are not going to med school.
- But I want to.
[gasps]
- Looks like my work here is done.
- I'm going to take the MCAT.
This is really exciting. - See?
And you didn't need some fate wizard
pulling the strings. You did it on your own.
- Yeah.
And sure, there was something comforting
in the thought that a greater plan exists.
But hey, it's fine, right?
I guess when "Do You Believe in Magic" comes on the radio,
now I'll just say, "No," and change the station.
- Dr. Spano, I need the combination to Gil's locker.
Well, you know I can't do that, Daisy.
- Please. If I can't get in there,
it could ruin my relationship.
Don't you believe in magic in a young girl's heart?
- What's his locker number? - 141. Why?
- [gasps] - Oh, my God. That's--
- My old locker.
The combination is 36, 3, 14.
Run like the wind, Stacey.
- It's Daisy. And thank you!
- Okay, that was a crazy coincidence,
but I wouldn't go so far as to say that magic is--
Oh!
- 36, 3, 14.
- Wait, you're smiling. How'd it go?
- I killed it.
Yeah, they wanted me to stay after
and meet some guy named Chuck. - Chuck Rigatoni?
He's the one who figured out the value
in having one ugly member in every boy band.
- You haven't even heard the best part.
I turned them down.
- What? Why?
Was one of the execs inappropriate with you?
Show me on this dummy where they touched you.
- No!
They want me to drop out of school.
I'm not leaving Bayside.
- But what about your future? - You don't get it.
People have always told me
the only way I'm making it out the hood
is by picking up a ball or a microphone.
- Yeah, like Larry Bird or Eminem.
- Missing a very crucial component
to what I'm saying, but yeah, sure.
Look, being at Bayside, I realized that there's
a bunch of stuff that I'm good at.
I mean, you tasted the bomb-ass gazpacho
I made in Home Ec.
I don't need to win some golden ticket.
If being a Bayside kid means that I don't have more options
than I did when I was at Douglas,
then why am I even here?
- You're right.
I shouldn't have told you this was your one shot.
You're so much more than just your voice.
You can do anything. - Thanks.
- Just don't have a reality show
or be the celebrity ambassador for Sluts Who Code.
Those are my things. - Noted.
- Hey, man.
I'm really sorry.
I guess I'm going through some personal stuff
and I apologize for putting that on you.
I'm really gonna do the work to be a better person.
- Thanks, man.
Means a lot.
[bell rings]
- I can't believe we got through to Mac.
- Yeah, he really made a breakthrough.
- And not like his normal breakthroughs
where he dresses up as the Kool-Aid man
for football games.
[explosion, elephant trumpeting]
[jackhammer drilling]
[animals snarling, elephant trumpeting]
[tiger roaring, monkey screeching]
[glass shattering]
- You sick son of a bitch.
You lied. - No kidding, idiot.
I don't know when Daisy's birthday is.
I use my brain space for valuable stuff
like knowing every Pokémon and when they evolve.
Bulbasaur, level 16 turns into Ivysaur.
Ivysaur, level 36 turns into--
- [panting]
- Oh.
- That was so horrible.
How do I move on knowing what I know?
Having seen what I've seen?
How do I laugh?
How do I look at my mother?
I no longer fear hell
for I have already spent an eternity there.
- See?
This is why you don't do the Pharaoh's Throne.
- Mac, how could you?
You're a monster.
- No.
I am the monster.
- Uh, what?
- Mac, I'm sorry I pushed you to the point
where you felt this was necessary.
You must be in unbearable pain.
How can I make this right?
Let me hug you, brother.
- Uh...
- Mac, what is wrong with you?
- Yeah, why would you do that to Gil?
- I'm done spilling tears today.
I'm ready for blood, buddy.
- That was so mean.
Wait.
Are you not hot anymore?
all: Boo!
- When Daisy finds out what you did,
she's never gonna forgive you.
- Oh, my God. What have I done?
- What the hell?
- Daisy, I am so sorry.
- Gil, why is this...
[all gasp] - In your locker?
Did you murder Trevor?
And if "The Dungeon Songs of Wheelengraffe"
is your favorite book,
then why didn't you know what L.M. Millencratz looks like?
And why is it so hard for me
to think of a single thing I know about you?
Who are you, Gil Vatooley?
Oh, no.
Gil Vatooley.
It's the first thing you taught me.
- When you meet someone new,
always rearrange the letters of their name
to make sure it doesn't reveal their true identity.
- "I go to Valley."
[all gasp]
You're a mole from Valley?
[sinister hip-hop music]
- * Keep your friends close but your enemies closer *
* I burn your ego like an Eggo in the toaster *
* And bag your bragging like it's produce at the grocer *
* You really want to do this? I would not be so sure *
* Damn, I just took the Benz on the block *
* Ice so fresh, mother here's one a top *
* Count the gears, count the lid, count the watch *
* Watch the light, chop on the block *
* *
* Tell them one, five, try to stay alive *
* Ice on the rock, wife on the side *
* Seven, one, five, try to stay alive *
* Ice on the rock, wife on the side *
* *
[orchestra flourish]