- And at a certain age,
it becomes too late to reinvent yourself,
so yeah, I'll admit it.
I'm really concerned about the Undertaker,
now that he's retired from wrestling.
- Thank you for sharing that.
Uh, now I'd like to talk about Slater.
- Ooh, Heath Slater, from "Monday Night Raw"?
- No. You.
- Oh. Well, I don't know.
There's not a lot to talk about.
My life's been pretty normal.
- So your dad threatened
to blow up your friend with a live grenade?
- Yeah, but it was the '90s.
Well, I guess he also did it last year,
to a Postmates guy he thought had eaten one of his fries.
My mom wasn't around much in high school.
Like, I know I had a mom 'cause she was mentioned once.
[quirky music]
I think I had a mom.
- So you and Zack did all those terrible things to each other,
and he was your best friend?
- [scoffs] Don't be ridiculous.
My best friend was a chameleon named Artie.
- Oh, okay. Tell me more about Artie.
- Don't you dare say his name! You haven't earned the right.
- Okay.
Well, I'm out of paper.
What do you say we talk about the week ahead?
Any potential stressors?
- [scoffs] I don't have any stressors.
Go to school. Hit the gym.
Go to the Bayside career fair
where all my really successful high school friends
will make me feel like a failure.
Watch TV. Do a "sukodu."
- Um... - Yeah, I know.
I heard it.
[sighs]
It--it's not a big thing.
It's just all my friends have these big jobs,
and I'm gonna be the only chump there without a booth.
- Remember what we talked about.
Everything doesn't have to be a competition.
- Yeah, but back in high school, everything was.
Zack was always like, "Bet I can date that girl.
"Bet I can win Miss Bayside.
Bet I can date your sister JB,"
who I also never saw again,
and no one ever talked about it.
- Maybe this is your chance to break old patterns.
What if you chose not to compete with Zack?
- [chuckles] Yeah, maybe.
Listen, Doc, don't take this the wrong way,
but you haven't helped me at all.
And I've been coming here for now, what, ten years?
- You've been here three times.
- Hmm.
[school bell rings]
- * When I wake up in the mornin' *
* Alarm gives out a warnin' *
* I don't think I'll ever make it on time *
[school bell ringing]
* By the time I grab my books *
* And I give myself a look *
* I'm at the corner just in time *
* It's all right, it's all right *
* Saved by the bell, it's all right *
* It's all right, saved by the bell *
* It's all right *
* 'Cause I'm saved by the bell *
[school bell ringing]
- Who's excited for the career fair?
- Ooh, I am.
I want to learn all about a career
I know very little about, like a brain sturgeon.
No, no, no, no. That's a bad example.
I actually know quite a bit about that.
- I can't wait.
I made this map plotting out the route we need to take
so we can hit every booth.
- Ooh, I get your brand now.
Weird adult Disney fan.
And career fair is like your fairytale wedding
where we all pretend it's normal
that Goofy's walking you down the aisle.
- I love career fair.
Unfortunately, I won't be able to make it this year.
[soft dramatic music]
I'm working on something pretty important.
- Stop acting so mysterious.
You're obviously just pranking Toddman again.
- Am I?
Or perhaps I'm turning a new leaf.
May chance the jester is taking off--
- I'm not going either, but I have a good excuse.
It sounds boring. - Aisha, come on.
The Bayside Career Fair is a huge deal.
It's where Jeffrey Katzenberg found his new job
after Quibi flopped.
- So it's not gonna be like the Douglas Career Fair
where the teachers made us update their LinkedIn profiles
so they could look for other teaching jobs?
- Nope, and did I mention that some of the booths
will be giving out free merch?
- Wait, are we talking, like,
bumper stickers or free clothes?
You know Aisha loves a big-ass sleep shirt.
Okay, it doesn't matter. I'm in.
- Good.
Now, everyone, on the count of three,
"Career fair rocks."
One, two, three!
Career fair rohh...
I meant we all say it.
- We know what you meant.
[quirky music]
* *
- Hey, guys.
- Slater! - Hey, what's up, man?
- Hey, how are you? - Hey.
Good. Lisa.
- Hey. - So good to see you.
The kids are freaking out that you're here.
- Oh, it's true.
I've already sent tons of girls to detention
for wearing your jeans with the butt cut out.
- Aw.
- Hey, where should I put this jar of meditation breaths?
- Oh, you didn't open it, did you?
- No. Om.
- Well, Kelly, it looks like Dr. Happy
is doing really great.
- Yeah, I guess after 2020,
people really need optimism more than ever.
A couple of companies offered to buy me out.
- You know, a lot of people are trying to buy
my stuff right now as well.
I'm currently selling a pound of my socks on Craigslist.
Between us, stuffed some of the bag with yarn.
[chuckles]
Anyways, where's your booth at, Preppy?
- Oh, no, no, I'm just here to help out Kelly.
I mean, what would I put on a booth?
Disgraced governor?
[chuckles]
- Right.
What would I put on mine?
Coach/gym teacher/part-time bingo puller at the church?
- Do my eyes deceive me?
The old gang back together again.
- Ron-Ron!
- Call me a hare
'cause I'm racing to that Turtle.
[laughter] - How you been?
- Oh, good, good--well, bad.
Career fair has always got me on edge.
- So Kelly--
- You know, 'cause of what your son did to me last year.
I won't bore you with the details.
- Okay, so Lisa--
- Long story short,
I can no longer produce my own saliva.
- Oh. - Sorry about that.
One of the side effects of his ADHD medication
is he's "The Omen."
- He didn't happen to mention
that he was planning anything this year?
- You know, he did say that
he was working on something pretty important, but--
- But what?
- Since we're both free men,
you want to ditch this dump and go hang?
- Oh, Kelly, can I? I finished my work.
- But what? - Yeah, that's fine.
Just don't spoil your appetite before dinner, okay?
We're having a pizza party.
* *
- But what?
- You get to travel, and there's no feeling
like looking down at the world from the sky.
- I know what you mean.
In "Grand Theft Auto,"
sometimes after I steal a plane,
I just want to take in the view.
- Flight simulator games
are what made me want to be a pilot.
- Really? - Okay, well, thank you.
I don't think this is for us. We should keep moving.
- Daisy, that was the first time I was interested
in what a white man wearing a hat had to say.
- And you were kind of rude.
- I don't mean to be, but there are a lot of booths
and not that much time, and nobody ever found
their dream career by being polite.
- Emily Post, Mister Rogers, Ed Sheeran.
- We're already behind schedule.
Aisha, vamanos.
- Hang on.
This chump's got good stuff.
Hello, sir, um...
I'll take one of your tiny fans, please.
- Now, are you actually interested in our company?
'Cause I just heard you say, "This chump's got good stuff."
- Oh, I'm interested.
You know, ever since I was five years old,
I've always dreamed of being a...
"Peenix" Dynamics, yeah.
- Oh, hey, I'm actually interested in consulting.
I was just reading about RBL Solutions.
- RBL? Ugh.
More like "Really Big Liars,"
considering their projections for Q4.
Here, take a fan. I'll get you a pamphlet.
- The trick is to namedrop their biggest competitor.
I just mentioned the Army to the Navy recruiter,
and she told me I could have my birthday
on a aircraft carrier. - Wow.
Are you, like, the Danny Ocean of merch?
Hey, would you ever want to team up?
- Hmm, I said I was out,
but you're pulling me in for one last job?
Sure, let's do it. - All right.
* *
- Not this time, Mac Morris.
* *
- Stop! - Oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh! I am so, so sorry.
I thought that was dynamite
and you were a boy I'm afraid of.
Please carry on.
- You should really put some ice on that.
- Oh, yeah.
I have a Hungry-Man Salisbury meat wad
defrosting under my desk.
I'll just use that.
- Or you could... - Okay.
Hop on.
- Thank you. - Hi.
I'm Claire.
- Oh, hey, Claire. Ron Toddman.
- You have a lovely eye, Ron.
I'm sure the other one is nice too.
it's just-- it's under the ice pack.
- Well, that's kind of you to say.
Hey, how did you know my name?
- Oh, you just told me. - No, you're not real.
- What? I--
- You almost had me, Mac.
- Claire. - Except for one thing.
Why would a gorgeous woman ever be nice to me?
- I beg your pardon? - What's he doing?
Is he hiding in the vents?
Is he feeding you lies through an earpiece?
- I don't even-- - Hear this, Mac!
This is the last career fair you'll ruin for me!
I'm coming for you!
Oh, yes. I'm coming for you.
* *
- [grunts]
Told ya. Abs of steel.
And that's just from crunches and diarrhea tea, bro.
- Damn, why am I paying Manny Pacquiao
1,200 bucks an hour to come over
and chase me around my house with a broom?
- [laughs] This is fun, man.
- Yeah.
- You know, you're gonna laugh at me,
but I was actually kind of worried about today.
I thought I'd be the only loser without a booth.
- Oh, dude, dude, I get it, but if it makes you feel
any better, my life sucks so bad right now.
- [chuckles] My life sucks pretty bad too.
- Not more than mine, friend. I got nothing going on.
I keep buying TVs
because mounting them gives me a project to do.
Our kitchen looks like a freaking sports bar.
- At least you have a kitchen.
I gotta boil my spaghetti in the bathtub.
- [chuckles] Hey, friendly wager.
50 bucks says that my life sucks more than yours.
* *
- Okay, look, I know we used to bet a lot,
back in the day, but come on.
This isn't a competition, Preppy.
- Yeah, it won't be because I always win.
* *
- Make it 100, and you're on.
* *
- Okay, that--that's a dollar.
* *
- Oh, my gosh, Lisa Turtle. It's me, Lexi.
I was in the front row of your show
at Paris Fashion Week. - Oh, right.
I remember you.
You got kicked out for being completely nude.
- You could see the outfit if you were wearing VR goggles,
but I'm glad I made a good impression.
Have a good day, queen.
- All right. Lisa, think.
Who's a good guy we can get Jessie set up with?
- Uh, how about Zack's old lieutenant governor?
- Nah, Ja Rule's too short for her.
- Guys, I'm not going on a date.
It's too soon.
- It's always gonna feel too soon.
You just gotta break the seal. Ooh, what about Seal?
- No, Heidi's a friend.
- Well, maybe I don't need a relationship.
My life is really full.
Jamie, my work.
I just planted a little vegetable garden,
and by the end of summer,
I'll have three small tomatoes that taste bad.
- So you're never gonna date again?
- I don't know.
I just hate the idea of starting over.
I thought my life would be more figured out by now.
- Nobody's got it figured out, honey.
- You do. You're doing great.
- I am in a creative rut. I mean, do you see this stuff?
- What? It's fun and retro.
They look like clothes I would have worn in high school.
[chuckles] Wait.
I did wear this in high school. It says "Jessie."
- Yeah, I couldn't think of a collection,
so I just dug through my parents' garage.
- Oh, that explains why
that mannequin is wearing a box of Christmas lights.
* *
- Guys, I don't have it figured out either.
I've been going behind Zack's back
to meet with a man...
both: What?
- Who's secretly tutoring me for the MCATs.
- Why did you tell it like that?
- I mean, my company
is doing great, but I want to help people.
- But you do help people. - No.
I sell snake oil to rich idiots.
Literally.
Cobra chai.
It's tea with venom in it to puff up your lips.
No, I want to help people for real.
- Oh, wow.
I had no idea that was going on for you or you, Lisa.
Thank you, ladies, for sharing.
I mean who needs a man when you have such loyal female--
- Shut up, bitch. A man's checking you out.
* *
- No, he isn't. - Oh, my God, yes, he is.
- I'm telling you, guys. He isn't.
- Compliments of the fireman, miss.
* *
- Oh.
- Jessie, just go flirt with him.
- How?
The last time I flirted with a stranger
I told a guy at Sam Goody that his trucker hat was crunk.
- Look, all you have to do
is walk over there and be grown and sexy.
- I don't know how to do that. - Okay.
When was the last time you felt really desirable and confident?
I mean, for me, it was this morning when I wore
a whipped cream bikini for Zack for breakfast.
- I mean there was
that couple months I spent in Las Vegas.
- When was that?
- After college, but I'm not that girl anymore.
- Oh, you will be once I get through with you.
- You think your life sucks?
I use spray-on hair fibers
to create the appearance of thicker, fuller hair.
- Really? Wow.
You can't even tell. It looks completely natural.
Which is why you didn't know that I use it, too, player.
- Ugh! All right, all right.
Do you get up to pee six times a night?
- Seven, and that's after I fall asleep 20 minutes
into a movie that I really wanted to see.
- But did the entire state of California
vote to get rid of you?
- I wouldn't know if they did
'cause I'm not subscribed to a single newspaper.
Too poor to afford it.
Too dumb to understand the articles.
- All right, all right. You ready for this one?
Are you ready to lose 100 bucks?
- Oh, I'm already late on all my bills.
Bring it on, baby.
- I took a job here to get close to my son,
and since I'm such an annoying loser,
he kicked me out after a week.
- Oh, you want to talk about a pathetic loser?
This guy right here,
pathetic sack of dog crap is still pining
after the same girl he loved in high school.
- Kelly? - Jessie.
She was a pain in the ass back then.
She still is, and guess what. I can't get enough of it.
And here's the kicker. You ready for this?
I'm such a miserable coward,
I can't even tell her how I feel.
- Goddamn, that sucks. You win.
- Yes! [laughs]
- [sighs] Hey, double or nothing.
Bet you can't eat ten scoops of this protein powder.
Triple or nothing. I'll eat the whole tub.
* *
- Thanks to Aisha and Chloe who wasted so much time
at the last booth, we are now behind schedule
by 6 minutes and 14-- no, 15--no, 16--
- It wasn't a waste of time. We got a bunch of free stuff.
- Yeah, and you don't know. I may work at a paper mill.
- I actually was interested in being a video game designer,
but you wouldn't let me stop.
- That's like a fantasy job every kid wishes he had.
It's like wanting to be a candy tester.
- That actually is a real job, and I hate it.
- Ugh! - You need a toothbrush.
- What's up with his teeth?
- Look, this career fair isn't a joke,
especially for the three of us.
The Bayside kids are just gonna get jobs at their dads' firms
or pursue meaningless passions that don't make 'em any money.
- Guys, look! I got a job.
I'm gonna be a doula for expecting fathers.
- Ugh, we don't have it like that,
so we need to take it seriously.
- That's not fair, Daisy.
Bayside kids are taking this seriously too.
Like, I have a lot of questions about being an influencer
if this bitch ever shows up.
* *
Okay, it's me.
* *
- Oh, my God, Lisa. We nailed it.
* *
- Now, remember. You are sexy and confident.
- You are that girl in Las Vegas.
Go to him. - [exhales sharply]
[upbeat rock music]
- Okay.
* *
- Hey.
- Hi.
I was hoping you'd come over.
- Thanks for the drink, darling.
Just so you know, I'm not a prize to be won.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, cool.
I, um...
So where are you from?
- Different places.
- Oh, but like, LA or...
- Yeah. Keep going.
* *
- Oh, uh, hey. You shouldn't lean on that.
- Oh, yeah? I'm a dancer.
What you gonna do about it?
- [chuckles]
Well, I'm not the fire marshal
for this district, so I can't do much,
but it is a safety hazard.
- Well, maybe I'm done playing it safe.
- * She's got one foot out the door *
* On the floor before she even arrives *
- [grunts] - [both gasp]
- Oh, my God, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry.
- Ah! You broke my nose!
- Oh, my God. What was that?
- You said to channel Vegas.
- What the hell did you do in Vegas?
- She broke my nose!
- So people pay you just to balance their checkbooks?
- Mm-hmm.
- I do that for my grandma for free.
- Well, DeVante--
- How many women do you have on your board?
- Uh, one.
- How many women do you hope to have by 2025?
- Uh, two?
- I also have a question relating to women.
Those sweatshirts back there, do they come in women's sizes?
- Yes, piggybacking off of my colleague,
could we also get the sweatpants?
- Mmm, yes.
- That's it!
If you don't want to take your future seriously,
then fine, but you're not wasting
any more of our time.
- Okay, great, I didn't want to be here anyway.
- Then leave. - Gladly.
- You too, chuckles.
- Wow.
- Yeah. Unbelievable.
She has no idea how much pressure I'm under.
Everyone's always like, "You're smart, Daisy.
You're gonna do big things."
Well, I don't know what those things are,
and today was a chance to figure it out.
Why would Aisha ruin that for me?
- I don't know.
You ruined it for me. - What?
- You know all that supportive and encouraging stuff
people say to you?
Yeah, I don't get any of that.
I get, "Stay out of trouble,"
or, "Your GED is an option."
So it was kind of nice, just for the day, to hear,
"You could fly a plane," or analyze a...system.
Yeah, I don't know what that guy was saying,
but he thought I could do it.
Look, I was really excited about today,
but whatever.
[soft dramatic music]
* *
- You lost.
I just got that nun's phone number.
Pony up.
[quirky music]
Hey, champ. - Please, I'm so paranoid.
I've sprained my neck looking for buckets over doorways.
I haven't peed since this morning
because I'm afraid of what your son
may have put in the toilet.
My brother called me.
First time in 15 years. I thought it was Mac.
I called him a weasel, which is the whole reason
my brother stopped talking to me in the first place.
Where is your son?
- I don't know.
He just texted me,
"Everything's going according to plan."
Purple devil emoji.
So I really wouldn't worry about it.
- Purple devil. - All right, preppy.
Septuple or nothing. I gotta win my money back.
- Okay, okay. You want one last bet?
Oh.
You have to tell Jessie you're in love with her.
- Oh, hell no. - Why?
You are. What?
Is big, bad Slater a scared, little bitch
too afraid to say "I wuv you"
to widdle tall girl?
- All right, fine. I'll do it.
* *
- Oh, my God.
I just roundhouse kicked that guy in the face.
- Roundhouse is generous, baby. - See?
This is why I'm not ready to date.
- Excuse me, guys. I need to talk to Jessie.
Confidential school business.
- Huh? - Hmm?
- What's going on? - Wait, what are you wearing?
- Oh, the girls peer pressured me into flirting with some guy,
and I kicked him in the face.
I was trying to be sexy, but I just looked insane.
- Come on, stop.
Hey, at least you put yourself out there.
And maybe you came off a little extreme,
but you followed the directions you were given,
and those directions were crazy.
- Are you talking about what just happened
or what I did in Vegas?
- I don't know what you did in Vegas.
- A lot.
I almost killed a girl on a staircase.
- Oh, okay, well, then both.
Look, it's always scary to try something new,
but hey, you already took the first step,
so it can only get easier, right?
- It's true, and if I'm being honest with myself,
before I kicked him in the face,
it felt nice to have someone be into me.
And to wear "Ver-sace" again.
- There you go. Not a total loss.
- Thanks, Slater.
But what about the school business?
[soft dramatic music]
- It can wait.
* *
- Look, I love that they're trying to be more inclusive,
but I'm really in my feelings about this
AT&T wireless do-rag.
[both laugh]
- You know, for a thing that I didn't want to go to at all,
it's been a really great day.
- Yeah, except for the part
where I got into a giant fight with Daisy.
- I think she was being kind of bossy.
Like, she made me pee in a GoGirl
so I wouldn't slow us down.
- Yeah, but she's also kind of right.
I should probably take this stuff more seriously.
It just freaks me out.
- Hey, I don't know what I want to be either,
but isn't that kind of exciting?
Like, if you don't know what's gonna happen,
then anything can happen.
* *
[chuckles]
* *
- Wow. Did you just think of that?
- Yeah, no, that's actually a slogan
I've been trying to get going for a while.
- It felt right. - Okay, cool.
- It worked. Yeah.
[quirky music]
* *
- What the hell is this? You're in the library?
- I believe it's called a book-quarium, and--whoa.
Who pranked you? - Nobody.
I was so sure you were planning something today.
I thought I heard you in the ceiling vent,
so I crawled up there.
It was only a racoon who ate my tie.
And then I thought I saw one of your drones coming,
so I hid in a dumpster,
and the lunch lady dumped a bunch of breakfast
on my head after she saw me.
Meanwhile, the whole time, you've been in the library,
and you're... working on something?
- Well, since I was named spirit czar,
I spent the day planning
how we're gonna win the spirit competition.
Having a well-thought-out plan is pretty important.
- Mac...
you're trying.
I'm really proud of you. - Thanks.
My friends don't think I'm capable of anything serious,
but it goes to show
you can never judge a reading square
by its shell, right?
- Huh, well, if you weren't pranking me,
that means that Claire was just--oh, my God.
[quirky music]
* *
- Hey.
- Here, Preppy. Take your money.
- I knew you'd wimp out.
Wait, is "wimp" one of those words
we aren't allowed to say anymore?
I knew you'd pussy out.
- No, I didn't tell Jessie how I feel
'cause she doesn't need to hear that right now.
- Oh. - She just got divorced.
She needs space, not some dude creeping on her.
- Oh.
- It's called being a good friend.
- Don't lecture me.
I'm a way better friend than you.
50 bucks says that I can maintain a pen pal much--
- No, no, no, no. No more bets, man.
I don't need your approval anymore.
I've got a therapist now. I need hers.
- Wait, you're in therapy? Oh, dude, that sucks.
Why didn't you mention that earlier?
- 'Cause it doesn't make my life suck.
As a matter of fact, it might be making it better.
- Huh. I'm proud of you, man.
- Thanks. I'm pretty proud of me too.
- I'm more proud of you.
* *
- I think you misunderstood.
Oh, Claire, I'm really just a nice, normal man.
Uh, I love you?
- Well, well, well.
Look who suddenly wants to design video games.
- It's not for me.
I felt so bad I spent the rest of career fair
getting pamphlets for jobs you might like.
- Thanks. Wait.
"Tonight Show" host? Was Jimmy Fallon here?
- No. It was just Leno.
both: Oh.
- I'm sorry.
I was so focused on my thing, I wasn't thinking about you.
And Aisha--
- Girl, don't trip. You were right.
I have to focus on my future at some point.
High school doesn't last forever.
- I know, right?
[laughter]
- Ron? Ron, come here.
- What's up, Ron?
- Hey. - Hi.
- Hey, listen.
Jamie's gonna spend the night at our house tonight.
- Which means we're all going to party at Jessie's.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Want to come get slizzard? - Yeah.
- We're gonna drink all the wine
that Rene is trying to get back in the divorce.
- Yep, and I'm gonna make some
of my world-famous bathtub spaghetti.
I mean, just spaghetti.
- Well, sure. It sounds like fun.
I mean I have to go home and change.
- No, no. Don't change a single thing.
The tattered clothing, the breakfast, the eye.
[gasps]
Ron-Ron, you've just inspired me.
This is my entire new collection.
- Hey. - Hey!
- Cool. All right, okay.
- Whoo! - Let's do this.
[laughter] - Yeah, okay.
* *
[upbeat music]
* *
- * Every single line *
* On your fishing pole *
* *
* Every single part *
* Playing down but you know *
* *
* F-stop, Photoshop *
* Baby, help me understand *
* *
* You know, you flashback lover *
* Or maybe just a flash in the pan *
* *
* Photogenic girl *
* She'll rock your world *
* *