- John Locke said it was the duty of government
to protect citizens' natural rights,
which he defined as--
- God bless America!
[laughter]
- Mr. Morris, I have had it!
This next slide better be about John Locke,
and not the character from "Lost,"
the 17th-century philosopher!
All right. Fine.
Let's continue.
[PA tone sounds]
- Mr. Kim to the office, please.
Your diarrhea medicine is here.
[laughter]
- That's it. I quit!
I hope you're happy!
- And class dismissed!
[cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you.
- Mac, you pushed that poor man to his breaking point
just so we could get out of class 15 minutes early?
- Would've done it for one minute.
It's about the journey, not the destination, baby.
[clicks tongue]
[rock music]
- Hey, pal, you ready for the best weekend of your life?
- It's gonna be hard to top last weekend.
I can't believe I own the Lakers now.
[beachy rock music]
[engine revving, tires screech]
* *
- * Cool bros livin' cool lives *
* Cool sunglasses and cool high fives *
* Cool guys doin' cool stuff *
* That makes you wonder if you aren't cool enough *
* We're cool dudes doin' cool things *
- Oh, sorry, Dolores. [music stops]
Hey, we can go to the real beach.
- We can?
- Oh no, I just meant that we would just--
- * Now don't you wish you could be cool like us *
- "To have a beer with a man is to know his soul."
Hm, well, that's enough for tonight.
Time for bed.
- Dad, this weekend was dope.
It's fun to having you home all the time.
- Yeah. Not having a job's the best.
I don't know why everyone was always complaining
about the historically high unemployment rates
when I was governor.
- Yeah. I just wish I didn't have
to go to school tomorrow.
Maybe you could write a note saying
I have testicular elephantitis?
- Come on, high school is important.
Where else are you gonna find the love of your life?
Trust me, you do not want to be single in college.
- I just wish we could keep hanging out.
- [laughing] Yeah.
[ominous music] That would be fun.
All right, well, good night.
Oh! If you have a bad dream,
just knock 100 times before you come into our bedroom.
[school bell rings]
- * When I wake up in the mornin' *
* Alarm gives out a warnin' *
* I don't think I'll ever make it on time *
[school bell rings]
* By the time I grab my books *
* And I give myself a look *
* I'm at the corner just in time *
* It's all right, it's all right *
* Saved by the bell, it's all right *
* It's all right, saved by the bell *
* It's all right * - Why?
- * 'Cause I'm saved by the bell *
[school bell rings]
- Ugh, it's so annoying.
On top of all of my regular student council stuff,
I got to keep coming up with ways to get volunteer hours
for this stupid Spirit Competition.
But luckily, inspiration struck
in the form of a classic Daisy hack!
- Uh-oh, Daisy hacks are how I started using orange slices
as deodorant and ended up with an armpit full of bees.
- Anyway, since I already have to plan the talent show,
I figured why not make it a charity fundraiser.
That way it counts as spirit hours.
Bam! Daisy hack!
- I'll do the talent show. - Oh, good.
'Cause so far only Mac signed up.
- [gasps] - DeVante, no!
Mac wins every year. Even you can't beat him.
- Really? What's his talent?
- It's hard to explain. It's like a magic show
that changes the way you think about identity,
but it's not, like, abracadabra magic.
It's like jazz magic,
where the beauty is the magic you don't see.
- So it's like a song?
both: No. - That's not it.
- You have to see it to understand it.
But somehow seeing it will make you understand it even less.
- So it's like a dance? - No.
- No, it's not a dance. - We can't have
a one-act talent show.
- Hey, guys. - Hey.
- Hey, babe. So after school,
do you need a ride to my house?
- No. No, I'm good.
I'll see you at 6:00. Can I bring anything?
- Well, my stepmom does love Mary J. Blige's
"No More Drama" line of sage candles and aromatherapy oils.
- [chuckles] I got you, boo.
- Those candles are expensive.
- Good for Mary J. - You know, DeVante,
meeting the parents is where a lot
of rich kid-poor kid relationships hit the skids.
If you want, I'm happy to do an etiquette montage with you.
- Nah, I'm good.
Nadia's family isn't "Downton Abbey,"
they're the all-Black reboot they're doing on Peacock,
" DowntownAbbey."
They may be rich, but they still Black.
- So you don't think you need my help with rich people stuff?
Pop quiz!
What's the next highest denomination after $100 bill?
- $500-- - [imitates buzzer]
There is a $101 bill
that only rich people know about.
It's called the Cruella.
[rock beat]
- Hey, buddy.
Would you ever consider dropping
out of the talent show?
- Sure.
Not!
Sorry, me and my dad watched "Wayne's World"
this weekend.
Not! We watched "Borat."
They do it in that too.
- Come on, Mac. No one else will sign up
if you're on the list.
Plus, doesn't it take the fun out
of it if you know you're going to win?
- Mm, I guess?
It's kind of like what my boy, Usain Bolt, said the other day,
"Why keep running, knowing nobody will ever catch you?"
Okay. Yeah, I'll drop out.
But only for U... - Aw.
- Sain Bolt.
I would never do that for you.
- Okay. - Yeah.
- Okay. As you all know,
due to Mr. Kim's early retirement--
- I thought he quit.
He said, "[bleep] us,
[bleep] our parents, and [bleep] Bayside forever."
- Uh, yes, we all got the email, Colt.
Anyway, I'd like to introduce your new substitute.
He's actually something of a Bayside legend.
Prom king, homecoming king, and godfather to my dog,
may he rest in peace, Mr. Zack Morris!
[playful music]
- Dad. - Hey, that's Mr. Dad to you.
Just kidding! [laughs]
Everyone call me Zack! [laughter]
I'll, uh--I'll be calling you "champ" or "slick,"
'cause I don't want to learn names.
- Are you okay with this?
I don't know if I want my mom at school.
- Yeah, 'cause your mom isn't the clown prince of SoCal.
Me and my dad are gonna run this place.
Hey, dad, think fast!
[together] This is gonna be awesome!
- Hey, I know you said you didn't need
a meet-the-rich-parents montage, but...
you definitely do, and we're doing it now.
- Thank you, Lexi, but I told you, I'm not worried.
Also, I have to leave now if I want to make it on time.
- What--but her house is only 17 minutes away.
- But my grandma's car finally died last week,
so now I have to take the bus.
- Two hours?
Ugh. Okay, whatever, go.
I guess I'll just do the montage with Spencer.
- Thank you.
- Oh, I actually should go too.
My great aunt's in the hospital--
["Rich Girl" by Hall and Oates playing]
- * You're a rich girl and you've gone too far *
* 'Cause you know it don't matter anyway *
* You can rely on the old man's money *
- Bread knife.
Trick question. Bread is for poor people.
- [snoring]
- [clears throat loudly]
- Gray geese in the green grass grazing.
- Better! - Thank you.
- [snoring]
- * You're a rich girl and you've gone too far *
* 'Cause you know it don't matter anyway *
- Damn! You're really late, huh?
Looks good.
- * Rich girl * - * A rich girl *
- You're finally ready to meet your rich girlfriend's parents!
[sighs contentedly]
All right, I'm over this. Wanna go to The Max?
- Not really, my great aunt just died.
- Aw.
[tense music]
* *
- You're an hour and a half late, son.
[knocking]
- Hey, pal. You doing your homework?
[both laugh]
Can you imagine? Going to school, being like,
[in nerdy voice] here's my math worksheet, sir.
Hope you like it. - And then the teacher's like,
[nasally voice] good job, you got all your numbers right.
I'll call the colleges.
[both laugh]
[both sigh]
- So what are you working on? - Our scheme for tomorrow.
I'm making hall passes to sell at school.
Check it out, it might be my best forgery yet.
- Ooh. - I'll sell 'em
while you distract Toddman,
Just ask him for tips on how
to stretch a dollar at Applebee's.
- These are great. - Mm-hmm.
- But I can do you one better.
Real hall passes, baby! [laughs]
Possibly the only perk of being a teacher.
- Oh, my God, these are awesome.
- Yeah, let's get rid of these.
[chuckles]
We can sell real passes for twice as much.
Split the profits 50/50.
- Yeah, these are way better than mine.
Forget 50/50. 100/100.
- Hey, pal, maybe you should do that math worksheet.
Okay.
[moody music]
[door closes]
* *
[classical music playing]
- So DeVante, Nadia said you're in a play at the school.
- Yes! Funny story,
last year, I didn't know if I wanted to do it and--
and then I did it, and now I'm doing it again.
So.
- Your salad. - Damn, y'all got a Geoffrey?
[all laugh]
[forced laughter]
- We call him that too. - Do you know how hard it was
to find a Black, British butler in LA?
[laughter]
- [American accent] I'm actually not,
but they pay me so well, man, I fake it.
- Okay, well, then you'd better be careful.
You turn around, there'll be a light-skinned
Mrs. Coleman in your place.
- That already happened.
I'm his second wife.
[all laugh]
- Okay, Nadia, he's funny.
If only he could make it to dinner on time.
- Again, Dr. Coleman. I am so sorry, I--
[all laugh] - I'm only messing with you.
I remember being young and broke and taking the bus.
- I always offer to give him
a ride home, but he never lets me.
- Sir, I am not gonna let her drop me off in my neighborhood
and then drive all the way home by herself.
Nadia, you drive a rose gold Mercedes with white tires.
- [sighs] Wait, Daddy,
why don't we just give DeVante the Volvo?
- Wait, give who the what? I--I don't really need--
- That's a great idea. You can drive it home tonight.
- [British accent] Is there a vanity plate
I might fetch for you, sir?
- The whole thing's kind of weird, right?
- No! You had a problem, no car,
and they solved it with a car.
- Yeah, but I didn't ask them to solve it.
I don't know, it just kind of makes me feel like--
like a charity case or something.
Come on. Daisy, you're telling me
this whole thing wouldn't make you feel weird?
- [sighs] Yeah, I mean, on one hand,
accepting a gift you didn't ask for could lead
to a strange power dynamic in your relationship.
- Exactly. - But on the other hand,
this seat warmer's creating a powerful dynamic on my cheeks.
- I don't care, okay, I'm giving the car back.
- No, DeVante, please! - You cannot do that to us.
- I--I have to. - I can't go back to the bus!
- We can't go back to the bus. Come on!
- Guys, please!
- Fine! - Whatever, bro.
- Thank you.
Hey, careful, you're gonna spill!
- Victory in the talent show is mine!
- [gasps, squeals]
- Oh.
- Are you okay?
- Aunt Greta?
You look so beautiful.
[quirky music]
- Whoa, you're selling real hall passes, Mr. Morris?
You're the coolest teacher we've ever had.
And Mr. Dewey has a tattoo on the inside
of his lip that says "slut."
- Well, I can't take all the credit.
It was actually Mac's idea.
- But these are so much better
than the crappy hall passes Mac usually sells.
- [laughing] Yeah, totally.
- Hey, pal, looks like we're running low on change.
Mind grabbing some at the cafeteria?
- Yep.
- Everything okay, Mac?
- Yep. Just having fun with my dad.
- Look. We've been friends with your dad for 30 years,
and we love him.
- We do, but sometimes he has a way
of taking up all the oxygen in the room.
- Like when he wore a white dress to my wedding.
I mean, yes, his vows were hilarious,
but sometimes he can be a lot.
- And as much as you love your dad, school's your place.
So it's okay if you feel the need
to put up some healthy boundaries between you and him.
- I don't need boundaries.
This is what I've always wanted.
- Do the worm!
[all chanting] Do the worm, do the worm!
- I think I'm gonna go now.
- Healthy boundaries, huh?
You been going to therapy or something?
- Pfft, no. Boundaries are a sports thing.
- Hmm. - Therapy stole it from sports.
- Welcome to The Max. Your menus...
coming right up.
- [gasps] - You got a job at The Max?
- I needed money fast and they were hiring.
It's gonna cost me $500 to fix the car.
- D, why didn't you tell me?
I know a great money-making scheme.
Step one, flood the Hollywood Bowl--
- Why don't you just tell Nadia what happened?
- Because her parents already think I'm a charity case.
I just need to fix this and give the car back,
then they won't ever have to find out.
- That's my jacket! - It's all right.
Don't worry about it. - Hey.
- Can you give me a ride home after the talent show?
- Definitely! I would love to take you home
in a car which is in the same exact condition
as it was yesterday.
- Thanks, babe. Also, sheesh!
I'm loving this fur moment for you.
- Thank you, honey! - Bye, girl.
- All right. I'll see you, boo.
- Please, take that off.
- So you see what Scooter Braun was doing to Taylor swift
was basically what the British government was doing
to the colonists with the Townshend Acts.
And when Taylor took her power back
and rerecorded her masters,
that's what we call a revolution.
[all murmuring]
- I just got chills. - Hm.
- Okay. Well, I taught you everything
on the syllabus for this semester so, uh,
what do you say for the last 15 minutes we just rap, huh?
Anybody got any questions about anything?
Yeah. - Are you seeing anyone?
- Yeah, my mom.
- Is it serious?
- They're married! - [sighs]
- Ooh! - Yeah.
- You used to be the king of Bayside--
well, I guess you still are.
- [clears throat loudly]
- The school spirit contest is coming up.
How do we beat Valley?
- [scoffs] Beat Valley.
[laughing] Oh, God.
All right, I'ma let you in on a little secret here, Slick.
The Spirit Competition is stupid.
- Thank you! Exactly.
- I don't even remember doing it when I was in high school.
When you leave this place,
you're not gonna remember petty rivalries
or even what you learned in biology,
like, who is the hemo-goblin,
and why does he want your blood?
No, what you're gonna remember
are the friendships you've made.
[students murmuring]
- I have a question.
Are you feeling okay? [PA tone sounds]
- Mr. Morris, please come to the office.
Your diarrhea medicine is here.
- I believe that's for you, Mr. Morris.
[students "Oh!"]
- You're the man!
- Did you forget you and your dad
have the same last name?
- Yes, Daisy, I did!
[playful music]
* *
- Hey, man.
I'm Gil. We've met.
Daisy's Gil.
- Wait, Daisy's Gill, like Ruth's Chris?
- No, I did--
anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for bowing out
and giving someone else a chance to win.
It was cool of you.
- Wait, I would win.
I would be the best. I would be Daddy!
Hey, Daisy, your Gil convinced me.
I'm gonna compete in the talent show.
Thanks, bud. - What? Gil!
- Then me and Eunice are out!
- [stammering] - Sorry, us too, Daisy.
We can't compete with him.
- I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to.
- Gil, the show's gonna be three minutes long.
That's not a talent show. That's 12 TikToks.
- Maybe it'll feel longer.
You know, Lexi said his act bends space and time.
- But we won't get any spirit hours.
Didn't you read the 900-page spirit manual?
A charity talent show is defined as two or more acts.
Any less than that is a one-man show,
which is a disservice to society
and equal to negative spirit hours!
- Oh, God, what are we gonna do?
- Gah, come on!
- Hey, everybody. Welcome to the 64th annual
Bayside Talent Show!
[cheers and applause] [laughs]
Our first act is going to be Mac Morris performing
"Inherent Wonder 3; Arise."
- Yeah, Mac! [cheers and applause]
[mystical music playing]
- All of our acts dropped out.
Would any of you guys be willing to perform?
- Unfortunately, the Birchwood Boys broke up last year.
Then they started a new band
called the Birchwood Boys without me.
- Coach, can't you do one of your dances
you make us watch you do in gym?
- You make them watch you dance in gym?
- [scoffs] I'd let them dance, too,
if they didn't keep messing up the moves.
But no, I am not following that.
* *
- Okay. Listen, this was my fault.
If we really can't find anyone, then I can perform.
I don't have any talent, but I guess I could...
recite Pi.
- But what about your crippling stage fright?
You said you pooped your pants at the holiday recital
in kindergarten.
- It's a risk I'm willing to take.
- Listen, if things are really this bleak,
I can pull something together.
[music ends]
[cheers and applause]
- I have never felt more connected
to my great-grandparents.
- Thanks.
- Cool! Let's go, Zack!
[cheers and applause]
[applause ends]
[cheers and applause]
- You're the man! Yes!
- Oh!
- I can't believe you almost soiled yourself
for the talent show.
- No, I almost soiled myself for you.
[uplifting music]
* *
- This means war.
- See? Wasn't sitting in the backseat
and having me drive you like a chauffeur sexy?
- No. What's going on, D?
You've been acting so weird.
- No, I haven't. [laughs nervously]
Why don't you just get out on this side?
- Why can't I go this way?
- 'Cause I want to see you crawl across the back seat
like a jungle cat?
Mreow!
- What is going on?
- Okay.
The car is dented, okay?
Look.
It's gonna cost $500 to fix it, but I got a job at The Max
and I'm gonna pay for it.
And then I'm going to give you the car back.
- [laughs] Babe, $500 is nothing.
It's no big deal.
- What do you mean, it's no big deal?
- One time I accidentally blew up my dad's boat
doing a gender reveal
for one of my Animal Crossing villagers.
That was a big deal.
This I could just put on my card or whatever.
- So I spend all day stressing,
working my butt off to try to scrape up $500,
and you could just put it on your card or whatever?
- I'm trying to help. Why are you mad?
- I'm not mad. I'm just--
I hate how everything is so easy for you.
Must be really nice not having any problems.
- 'Scuse me?
You have no idea what you're talking about.
- You keep the car. I'm gonna go.
In 2 1/2 hours when the bus gets here.
God damn!
- And then he said he'd poop his pants for me.
And then we kissed.
- Wow.
I can't believe you had to tell such a romantic story
in such an unromantic setting.
Instead of the luxurious backseat of a Volvo.
- Y'all, I had to give the car back, okay?
It basically ruined my relationship with Nadia.
- What happened? - I told her I was worried
about $500 and she laughed.
Then we got into a big fight.
- Well, she still is a Bayside kid.
I once saw Mac spit a fatty piece of steak
into a $100 bill.
- I was there. - They just don't have
to think about money the same way we do.
And it sucks that Nadia didn't realize that.
- And $500 is a ton of money.
For a lot of people, a $500 emergency would
blow up their life.
- When I broke my arm, I was so worried about
how much it would cost that I didn't tell my parents
for a week.
What happened to you?
- My girlfriend gave me a Volvo.
- What? - Uh, my--my--
my girlfriend gave me a Volvo.
- [laughing]
- This dude's crying because his fine, rich girl
gave him a free car.
all: Boo!
- Uh, okay now! Come on, it's not like that.
DeVante felt like a charity case.
- Thank you, Daisy.
Look, guys, it's not easy dating someone
who doesn't have any real problems.
- Okay, hold up now. - [scoffs]
- Right, because rich Black women are notoriously
unaffected by racism and misogyny.
- No, of course they are. That is--
- Meghan Markle wasn't bullied out of England?
- Serena Williams isn't held to a higher standard
than her white counterparts?
- Simone Biles. - Michelle Obama.
both: Janet Jackson.
- Okay. I see you guys are correct.
As my grandmother would say, I forgot myself.
I am sorry. There's no need
for any more additional examples.
- Lisa Turtle didn't have all her shoe designs stolen
by Ivanka Trump.
both: Yes!
- Okay, Mrs. Zoracki,
all you have to do is tell my dad
that you're the new U.S. government teacher.
He'll say, "Toddman didn't tell me that,"
but I'll already have left a voicemail on his phone
telling him that he's being replaced,
using this Toddman voice changer app.
- Oh, well, that makes perfect sense.
Boy, you must really hate your dad.
- Wow. You'd think someone that did
a three-episode arc on "This Is Us"
would have more emotional intelligence.
Of course I don't hate my dad.
- Then why are you trying to get rid of him?
- Look, my entire life
I've wanted to spend more time with my father.
But now that he's here in my space,
it makes me feel bad about myself.
He's better than me at everything.
So as long as he's at Bayside,
I'll always be stuck in his shadow.
- Well, that sounds like a good reason to me, pal.
Let's do it.
- Thanks, Mrs. Zoracki.
[melancholic music]
* *
- Let me guess. You dressed up like an old lady
to prank your son.
- But he pranked my heart instead.
- Have you ever thought about just talking to him?
- Huh?
- You're right. Your way is better.
- Hey. - Hey.
I'm so sorry. I should not have
said you don't have any problems--
- Yeah, that wasn't cool.
But I get why you said it.
Do you know how happy I was
when the Douglas kids got to Bayside?
Before y'all, there were, like, five Black kids.
But now I finally have friends who know why I need a warning
before they decide to shoplift from Brandy Melville.
- Oh, yeah. "The Purge" is based on
how white girls act at the mall.
- Yeah.
But then I ended up doing the same thing to you.
I have privilege and I can't ignore that.
Like, I shouldn't have asked you
to buy my stepmom an $85 candle.
- I would've gotten the sage too,
but the only scent they had left was "Prison Song."
- This is going to be more complicated
than we thought, huh?
- Yeah, it is.
But I like you.
- I like you too. - [chuckles]
So maybe we should just talk about this stuff.
And next time you want to give me a car,
maybe you should ask me first.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Do you want a car? - I do, yeah.
But I want to keep working at The Max
until I can get my own car.
So maybe I can just borrow yours until I can.
- We can make that work. - Cool.
- Wow. - I know.
- Hey, pal.
I don't know if you heard, but I'm not gonna
be your government teacher anymore.
- Oh, no, you're kidding.
- Yeah. It's probably for the best.
You know, I've been feeling aimless since the election,
and I just wanted to be in a place
where I felt like a winner.
But Bayside is yours now.
I don't want to cramp your style.
- It's okay.
Hey, green screen moon party tonight?
- [laughing] Of course.
- Okay.
- Mac, your plan worked. Your dad is gone.
- Daisy, you fool. I didn't win.
He was one step ahead of me the whole time.
He was Mrs. Zoracki, and he let me win.
I mean, it's so obvious.
Mrs. Zoracki is an anagram for Zack Morris.
What was the first thing I taught you?
- When you meet someone new, always rearrange the letters
in their name to make sure it doesn't
reveal their true identity.
- Mm-hmm. - But isn't it nice
that he cared about you enough to let you win?
- Yes, he's an amazing father.
He's amazing at everything.
There's literally nothing my dad has not done.
And I thought that maybe if I got rid of him,
I would stop feeling like I'm living in his shadow.
But it doesn't matter if he's here or not.
I can't beat him.
I will always be in second place.
- Maybe you just need to do something
completely different than him.
- Like how Tom Hanks is America's nice dad,
so Chet Hanks decided to be Chet Hanks?
- Mm.
- Wait, what's that?
[mischievous music]
* *
- Why did they frame that?
- Wait, my dad lost the Spirit Competition.
No wonder he was pretending like he didn't care about it.
If I can win that, I'll be out of his shadow forever.
- Teacher of the year?
When am I gonna learn to stop racing off
to the framing store every time I get excited?
Spring for the double thick polarized glass, they say.
We can rush it for an additional fee, they say...
[beachy rock music]
* *