- * El e' el fulanito *
* Que me tiene loca a mí *
* Bailando apretaíto' *
* Hoy no vamo' a dormir *
* El e' el fulanito *
* Que me tiene loca a mí *
* Bailando apretaíto' *
* Hasta que no' boten de aquí *
* Muévelo, que te aprieta, neta *
[cars honking] - Stop dancing
and let me drop off my goddamn daughter!
- Come on. Move it.
- Hey, I know women aren't the best drivers,
but once you've parked the car, you can stop steering it.
- [sighs] I just don't wanna go in there.
Everyone knows I'm getting a divorce.
And Kathy the librarian is gonna be so smug,
'cause she's married to her cats,
and they can't divorce her.
They can still get run over by a car, Kathy!
- Sounds like you need a break. - I really do.
- It's too bad adults don't get Cut Days.
- I never got one in high school either.
Remember? While you guys were all at the beach,
I stayed at school fighting to get Styrofoam cups banned.
- Then maybe the universe owes you one.
What do you say?
Might help take your mind off things.
- Slater, we can't just blow off work.
- "You need to refill your tank,
or else you'll never get where you're going."
You know who said that?
I'm honestly asking. I'm hoping it was someone smart,
but I'm afraid it was Mater from "Cars 3."
- Are you sure they won't miss us?
- Trust me, they won't even notice we're gone.
[crash] - Ow, my Bentley!
- Ooh. Come on. We gotta get out of here.
[school bell rings]
- * When I wake up in the mornin' *
* Alarm gives out a warnin' *
* I don't think I'll ever make it on time *
[school bell ringing]
* By the time I grab my books *
* And I give myself a look *
* I'm at the corner just in time *
* It's all right, it's all right *
* Saved by the bell, it's all right *
* It's all right, saved by the bell *
* It's all right *
* 'Cause I'm saved by the bell *
[school bell ringing]
- So I spoke to Gil yesterday.
- Wait, what? Why didn't you lead with that?
You told me a 30-minute story
about why recycling bins are blue.
How'd it go? - Amazing.
He wanted to hang out Friday night, and I was like,
"Or what if we hang out during school hours
so my mom can't find out I'm on a date?"
Aren't I so bad? - The baddest.
Hey, while we're living life on the edge,
why don't you let me copy your chemistry homework at lunch?
- Fine.
But like I told you yesterday, this is the last time.
- Yeah, for sure.
- Oh, wait.
I told Lexi I was gonna have lunch with her today.
- So?
- Well, you know, you two don't really hang out.
- Lexi and I are whatever.
We just have an unspoken rule we don't talk about
the unspoken thing we don't talk about.
- Mm, like the One-Who-Shall-Not-be-Named
from "Harry Potter."
- Voldemort?
- J.K. Rowling. - Oh.
[school bell rings]
- [sighs]
- Hey, J-Dog.
Hang in there, okay? You're gonna get through this.
But if you don't, can I have your PS5
and all your games and controllers?
- Sorry about your parents, man.
- Thanks. It's been tough.
But I started journaling, and I think it's helping.
- Jesus.
- Whoa, new teacher.
Or, I don't know, are you?
I don't usually come to class.
- Principal Davis?
- It's actually Mr. Davis now.
Principal Toddman offered me a position here
at Bayside teaching...
"Modern Southern California History."
I don't know why this is a class.
But for financial reasons, I'm not asking any questions.
Your first assignment will be a group presentation.
- Guys, I have to do well on this.
Now that my dad's home, he's actually looking at my grades.
And he said that if I don't get a perfect 2.0 GPA,
he's gonna ground me...
from international travel for a full week.
- Okay.
You guys get "The Emergence of Malibu Surf Culture."
You're doing "Traffic Patterns of the 405."
You three will be covering "From J.Lo to Kardashian:
Shifting Butt Shapes of the 21st Century"?
What is this school?
You boys can just do earthquakes or whatever.
- Cool. So we just need to bang out this report
and then practice our parts together.
Can you guys handle that?
- Oh, you had me at, "Can you guys handle that?"
I'm kidding. You had me at "bang out."
What about you, J-Dog?
- What? Sorry, I'm not listening.
I'm watching my dad move out on the Ring cam.
- No. Is he taking the PS5?
[exhales sharply] Okay.
Just a box of your mom's jewelry. Phew!
[upbeat music]
- I mean, I'm such a fraud. I literally wrote books
about how to have the perfect marriage.
What am I supposed to write now?
"Eat, Pray, Love" has been done.
Should I do a "Cry, Sleep, Work"?
Ugh, I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
- No, this is supposed to be a fun Cut Day,
and I just keep complaining.
- There's a lot to complain about.
I mean, five bucks for a bagel? What is this, The Ritz?
- You picked the place.
- Ma'am, your orange juice.
Sir, your quote "free water." - Thank you.
- Excuse me, are these Styrofoam?
- Yeah. Is there a problem? - Big problem, Bub.
Do you know how long it takes for Styrofoam to biodegrade?
- I don't know, a thousand years?
- No, 500.
And it's rude of you to guess so high.
Styrofoam manufacturing leaches chemicals into the ozone layer.
- Oh.
- It's one of the largest creators of toxic waste
in America
outside of "The Bachelor" franchise.
- Oh, my God, I'm gonna go tell the owner
if he doesn't switch to a sustainable alternative,
I quit.
Dad, get your ass over here! - What?
- Wait, what are you smiling about?
You knew this place had Styrofoam cups, didn't you?
That was your plan all along.
Hey, I know I give you a hard time
about not believing in therapy,
but maybe you're on to something.
What you just did
made me feel better than ten therapy sessions would have.
- Oh, my God. Did you just say I'm right?
- Don't get used to it.
You're still the guy who thinks he could survive
an elevator crash by "jumping at the last second."
- Put me in that box. I'll prove it.
[chuckles]
- Hey, I've been worried about you.
How are you feeling?
- Pretty sad.
- Listen, I've been through a ton of divorces.
This season, the cast of "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills"
is just my stepmoms.
And trust me,
the first divorce is always the hardest.
By the fifth one, you won't have any feelings at all.
- Fifth one?
- Or, you know, your parents don't remarry
and they get to be alone for the rest of their lives?
- Lexi, I don't know if any of this is helping.
- I'm sorry.
I'm just saying this doesn't have to be all bad.
Remember, 50% of marriages end in divorce,
but 100% of divorces end in presents.
- Look, I appreciate you trying, but I gotta go.
I'll catch you later.
- So I thought of an amazing way
for us to earn volunteer hours
for the School Spirit Competition,
a Bayside Teen Hotline,
which also just happens to be the perfect setting
for a during-school date with Gil.
- I feel like you don't know what a date is.
- Ugh! Boy am I having a day.
First, my hairdresser goes missing,
then the police have the audacity
not to consider me a person-of-interest.
And to top it all off, Jamie...
- What? You can say whatever it is.
- Oh, it's nothing.
I was just gonna talk about Jamie Foxx.
Do you think he still keeps in touch with the Horrible Bosses?
- Lexi, seriously. You can talk about Jamie in front of me.
I don't care.
- All right, fine.
So for some reason
Jamie doesn't want my advice about his family stuff
even though I'm in
the "Guinness Book of World Records"
for Most Divorces Caused by a Single Child.
- You know, sometimes people aren't looking for advice.
- Yeah. Okay, well, then what am I supposed to say to him?
- You could try listening.
- What is that supposed to mean?
[record scratch] - Oh, boy.
- Oh, come on.
I'm not saying anything you don't know.
Your podcast is called "Shut Up While I Talk."
- Oh, 'cause you're such an amazing listener?
I'm sorry, but I don't need relationship advice
from someone who uses Gatorade-brand deodorant.
- Well, I must've been doing something right.
Your boyfriend proposed to me.
- Back up, bitch. - Well, okay,
why don't we focus on something a little more fun,
like what am I gonna wear for my Teenline date.
I'm thinking this, 'cause it's the only thing
I brought to school today.
- Teenline, huh?
Sounds like the perfect place
to prove how incredible I am at listening.
- Actually, we don't need any more volunteers.
- I'm in. - Well, I'm in even more.
I'm gonna wipe the floor with those kids' problems.
- Great. So glad to have you aboard.
- Good news. I just got off the phone
with a content farm in Bulgaria.
They can do the report for us, but there is a catch.
One of us has to marry a woman named Yorgina
to get her U.S. citizenship.
Should we draw straws?
- Or we could just write the report.
Here, I already got started.
- Okay, well, you're gonna have to figure out
what to do with the cow Yorgina's family sent.
- Right.
Okay, let's practice. I'll go first.
"The San Andreas Fault is a major fracture
"of the Earth's crust that is responsible
for some of California's most destructive earthquakes."
Mac?
- [clearing throat]
"It was first identified in 1895
"by Professor Andrew Lawson,
who later consulted on the Golden Gate Bridge"?
Huh, I had no idea.
- "The formation of the fault happened
"during the Cenozoic Era,
"when the Pacific Plate and the North American Plate--
when they separated."
[sobbing]
- Aww. I'm sorry, buddy.
Look, I guess I shoulda used a different word.
Do you wanna try reading another section?
- Uh-huh. Yeah. Good thinking. Okay. I'm good. All right.
- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.
- "Based on its current trajectory,
"the landmass that includes LA will reach Alaska
within 20 million years."
20 million years was how long
my parents were supposed to be together.
- Oh, God. Okay.
How about Mac and I just do all the talking
and you just stand there
and hold the poster board or something?
- No, I'm tired of this.
I can't keep crying all the time.
- Just do what I do.
Whenever I start to "feel something,"
I just let my mind drift away to a fantasy island,
a magical place where the piña coladas are virgin,
but the mermaids are not.
- Or instead of completely dissociating from reality
like a lunatic,
maybe you should just toughen up a little bit.
- But how? Can you teach me
how to stop feeling my feelings so hard?
- Oh, nah. See, I already did my third of the project,
so this might be--
- It would be our honor. - Mm-hmm.
- "Your Honor."
Like the judge who will preside over my parents' divorce.
Oh, God, no!
- Okay. Good afternoon, everyone.
Welcome to Teenline.
I wanna say first that I'm so proud of you all
for giving back to the community,
and more importantly, for helping us to crush
stupid Valley in the School Spirit Competition.
Although if a Valley student does call in,
I would ask you please to treat it like a human being.
- Forgive me for being so forward,
but you look very pre-professional.
- Why, thank you.
And I really like the lumbar support pillow you brought.
- Hey, the more comfortable I am,
the more comfortable I can make them.
- We first did Teenline back in the '90s,
and fortunately my old mentor, Richard Belding,
left me the training manual.
So let's dive in.
"Cowabunga, dudes and dudettes.
"Local teens will be calling in with their problems,
"but don't tell them to 'talk to the hand.'
"With these four steps, you can let them know
"they're all that and a bag of chips.
"Step one, identify the issue.
Step two, listen without judgment."
- Listen without judgment?
Are you sure you're in the right place?
- I would never judge anyone
for their mental health problems,
you psychotic bitch.
- "And finally, step four,
"keep yourself hydrated and alert
with the refreshing taste of Crystal Pepsi"?
All right, why don't we do a little bit of training
before we begin?
Can I have two volunteers, please?
- I'll do it if you do.
- I'll take this one, Ron.
- Not if I take it first.
- [grunts]
- Our society tells young men that if they cry
they will be labeled as weak or soft
or little baby diaper boys.
And that is precisely why America is the coolest,
most hard-core society on this Earth.
- Because you were coddled
by your soft-ass Palisades parents,
you missed out on a very important rite of passage
for all young men... - Mm-hmm.
- Learning to bury your feelings.
- As well as learning to bury other things.
Like pumpkin seeds.
- Here's the deal.
We're gonna show you a bunch of sad stuff,
and if you start to cry, we're gonna bully you.
- Don't take it easy on me. It's the only way I'll learn.
- An old dog who will never be adopted.
- That's horrible.
- Stop being a little bitch, man!
A child who is very lonely.
- Suck it up, loser! - [clears throat]
- A young dog who was adopted,
but the owner was unprepared for how much work a puppy is.
- [sobbing]
- We said we were gonna ditch that one, man.
- My bad.
- Okay.
Now, we're gonna show you the first ten minutes of "Up"
and the last ten minutes of "Coco" at the same time.
- Okay, Pixar.
All the letters look happy next to each other. That's nice.
Oh, why did the lamp just do that to the I?
- I'm sorry to do this, but it's for your own good.
- Oh! The hell is going on?
- Why are you here? We had a sub in gym.
- I don't know. I've been here all day.
Hey, unrelated, do you know if they're still serving lunch?
- Wait, did you ditch school, and now you're sneaking back in
to see if you can get free Sloppy Joes?
- [scoffs] No, of course not.
Look, I'm gonna go to the cafeteria
to file some paperwork,
and then we're gonna have a conversation about this.
- Ring-ring. Hello, Teenline.
I'm here to listen, because I'm amazing at that.
What's your problem?
- "Hey Teenline, I'm having some trouble with my stepmom.
"She's always doing Jazzercise in the living room
"when I'm trying to watch 'Northern Exposure.'
What should I do?"
- Well, it sounds like you're just jealous of her.
Maybe you wanna be with the guy your stepmom is with.
- You mean my dad? What? - Okay.
Hey, that was pretty good.
Could tone down the hostility a little bit.
Why don't we take five and just cool our jets, okay?
- Hey, are your friends okay?
- They're being really unprofessional.
I'll go talk to them.
- Have you considered plastic surgery on your face?!
- Can you not do this right now?
You're ruining my date with Gil.
- No problem. I can be the bigger person.
- I can be the biggest person you've ever seen.
- Cut it out! - Yeah, Aisha.
Listen to Daisy. - No, you listen to Daisy.
- Both of you, just shut up!
Your constant bickering is a total boner-killer!
- Daisy. - Hmm?
- That is an ableist term
that is offensive to phallo-diverse men.
- Sorry.
- Hey, guys. Sorry I took so long.
All right. So what seems to be the trouble here?
You know, people say I'm more helpful than a therapist.
Tell Dr. Coach Slater what's on your mind.
- So I've been having a hard time,
but the guys have been teaching me to bury my feelings
and let it fester inside me like a real man, so...
- Okay, look,
you can't go through life running from your feelings.
Believe me, I know.
- No, you don't. You're tough.
The only time I've ever seen you upset
was when you saw a woman drinking Dr. Pepper Ten.
- It's not for them!
Listen, I've had my share of hard times.
- Like what?
- Well, I don't know.
Back in high school, my pet chameleon--
- Coach, this isn't like a dead pet.
My family is splitting up!
- Fine.
There was this one time.
There was this girl I really cared about
and kind of always thought that we'd end up together.
Well, she... she married someone else.
And it hurt...a lot.
I tried to ignore my feelings,
did a bunch of extreme fitness challenges,
the Iron Man, the Spartan Death Race,
this weird marathon
where you run 100 miles with mud in your mouth.
- Sure, the Mud Mouth Derby.
- But you see, the thing is,
running from your problems never works.
Sometimes the toughest thing you can do is say to yourself,
"I'm having a big feeling for a good reason,
and that's okay."
- Damn, Coach.
See, now I'm sorry I signed that petition.
They should let you teach more than gym.
- Petition?
- Yeah. It's okay that I'm sad.
My parents are breaking up.
I'm just gonna have to accept it,
'cause that's what's happening,
and it's never, ever gonna change.
- Exactly.
I mean,
unless it does change.
Like, 20 years later, the thing you thought you lost
could suddenly become a possibility again.
And it freaks you out, because
maybe it was that lack of possibility
that made everything okay.
And even though you thought you were over it,
you're really not.
- Coach, I gotta say, I found the earlier stuff more helpful.
[phone rings]
- I'm sorry your acne is hurting your confidence.
- Oh, it's tough that your parents always compare you
to your older sister.
both: You know, when I'm down, one thing I like to do
is center myself with a nice hot cup of chamomile tea.
- Hmm, something, something runaway cat.
Yeah, that reminds me of episode 307
of "Becoming Lexi: I am Me" when I lost that horse.
But I learned an important lesson that day,
and it's whatever I said in the voiceover at the end.
So watch that, and you should be all set.
- No, what you gotta do
is go up to the boy who made fun of your shoes
and stick one of them right up his a...
oh, they're Crocs?
Hmm. Have you considered getting new shoes?
[dial tone droning] Hello?
Hello? Hello?
Okay.
[phone rings]
Hello, Teenline.
- Greetings. My name is Ruth Perfumey.
You don't know me.
I'm in all different classes than you.
- Sure, it's a big school. - Verily.
Anyhow, I was dating this handsome jock,
but then he started dating someone
much hotter and famous-er.
The only problem is, I'm still madly in love with him.
Do you relate to this at all?
- Lexi, drop the act. I know it's you.
- Whatever do you mean? I'm Ruth Perfumey.
- Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.
- I get that a lot 'cause of my weird last name.
- Well, to answer your question,
I kinda was in a similar situation,
except I wasn't hung up on the guy.
To be honest, I'm just really upset
with the new girl he's dating-- - You sexist!
Why would you be mad at me?
- Uh, how? You were over-- - There?
Or did you just fall for the newest trick in the book?
- I was really impressed with how you handled that kid
with the hiccups that wouldn't go away.
- Oh, it was nothing compared to how you dealt
with that girl with the webbed feet.
- I can't believe she never considered swimming.
- Right. You're so easy to talk to.
- You're impossible to talk to!
- Tell that to the thousands of fans
my PR firm DMs with every day.
- Are we sure this is the best environment
for helping teens in need? - One moment, please.
- I am a beloved public figure.
- Yeah, by adults over 40.
No one else has cable. - Enough!
Do you have any idea how selfish you're being right now?
- Oh, come on. You're only here
because you're trying to get into Gil's corduroys.
- They are Dockers stain-resistant chinos.
And, so what if I am?
Today was important to me, and what do you do?
You go and turn it into some stupid competition.
- Well, if it was a competition, I won,
because I actually helped people.
Lexi was too busy trying to catfish me.
- First of all, I succeeded in catfishing you.
Second of all, I am the helpingest bitch
up in this bitch. [phone rings]
- What? - Watch this.
Hello, Teenline.
Would it solve your problems
if I let you hang out on my boat, no plus-ones?
- Hello, Teenline.
Don't listen to her because she's just using you
to prove a point, unlike me.
What's wrong? And make it quick.
- Stop it, stop it, stop it!
[all gasp] - Daisy.
Hey, hey, hey. What is going on here?
- Principal Toddman, I am so sorry.
- I don't know what's gotten into you today,
offensive outbursts, destruction of school property,
not to mention you've created more work for the janitor,
who is not me after hours.
Daisy, I have no choice but to give you detention.
- [gasps]
[phone rings] - Hello, Teenline.
This is Ruth Perfumey.
I mean, this is Lexi.
- Hey, it's me.
- Sigourney? - No, Aisha.
Look, I'm calling you to let you know I'm still mad at you,
but I feel bad about getting Daisy in trouble.
- Me too. But how are we supposed to help her
without me killing you and you only slightly injuring me?
- Well, I can't believe I'm about to say this,
considering this is Teenline,
maybe we should consult the manual.
- Fine. It's worth a try.
Step one, identify the issue.
- I guess my issue is,
you and I were cool last year,
and it even seemed like we were becoming friends.
But then you started dating Jamie,
like, two days after we broke up,
and you never even checked on me to see how I felt about it.
Like, I am truly over Jamie.
And if things aren't weird between him and me,
I don't understand why they need to be weird between us.
- You're right.
I'm sorry.
Do you think you can...
step two, listen without judgment?
- I can.
- I'm still kind of insecure
about the relationship you guys had.
Jamie won't talk to me about his parents' divorce,
because I am bad at listening.
I've never once listened
to the flight attendant before takeoff.
All I know is, you're supposed to smoke your own cigarette
before you give one to a child.
- Well, you did a good job of listening to me just now.
And you're totally capable of doing that with Jamie.
- Thanks. - Okay.
Step three says to focus on moving forward.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Yeah, step four, where the hell
are we gonna find a Crystal Pepsi?
- [snoring]
- Gil? What are you doing here?
- I got detention for setting Lexi's hair on fire.
- You what? - No, she did it to herself.
- You told that really badly. - It was scary.
After she did it, Lexi stared me down
and put the match out on her tongue.
- Look, I'm sorry that happened,
but I'm glad you're here.
It's my first detention,
and I could use someone to show me the ropes.
- Okay, this may come as a shock
because I'm such a bad boy,
but this is my first detention too.
- Stop talking. This is detention.
[laughter] And stop being cute.
That's also not allowed in detention.
[applause]
- Thank you, girls, for that riveting presentation
on "Hollywood Billboard Iconography:
From Angelyne to Chaz Dean."
Devante, Mac, and Jamie?
- You got this. - Okay.
- Thanks, Mr. Davis.
[clears throat]
"The San Andreas Fault is a major fracture
"of the Earth's crust that is responsible
for some of California's most destructive earthquakes."
- "It was first identified in 1895
"by Professor Andrew Lawson,
who later consulted on the Golden Gate Bridge."
[tense music]
- "The formation of the fault happened
"during the Cenozoic Era,
"when the Pacific Plate and the North American Plate...
* *
"When they separated."
[gentle music]
* *
[breezy tropical music]
"Based on its current trajectory,
the landmass that includes LA will reach Alaska..."
- He's reading all your lines.
- [sobbing] Just let that eagle soar.
- "And while geologists estimate
"that within the next 100 years the fault will rupture
"and destroy most of Southern California,
"that doesn't mean that we shouldn't live life
to the fullest." Thank you.
[applause]
[triumphant music]
* *
- Why are people giving this report a standing ovation?
- Proud of you, kid!
- And why is the gym teacher here?
What the hell is wrong with this school?
[funky music]
* *
- Oh. Hey, Slater. Yesterday was so much fun.
And you know what? I know this sounds crazy,
but it kind of awakened something in me.
- Yeah?
Me--me too.
- I printed out this list of other LA restaurants
that still use Styrofoam.
And I'm gonna drive to each one and curse them out.
What did it awaken in you?
- Oh, basically the same thing. Just being near the beach,
it helped me remember how much I hate seagulls.
So I'm gonna do my part to try to lower their numbers.
Yeah.
Anyway, later friend-o.
- "Friend-o"?
- Hey. - Hey.
- How are you feeling?
- Oh. A little better, I guess.
How was your day?
- Not bad. I think I might have learned something?
It was weird.
- That's not that weird. It's school.
[laughter]
Was there more?
You don't wanna, like, tell me a crazy story
or complain about how it's a conflict of interest
for Hollywood agencies to own production companies?
- No, you talk.
I just wanna listen.
- Okay.
Come on.
[breezy upbeat music]
* *
- And the thing I realized is,
I'm still in love with Jessie.
- Who's Jessie?
And who are you?
You just came in here and started talking, baby.
You need to make an appointment.