- All right, guys. Come on, bring it in.
Listen up: we got a long season ahead of us.
But if we work real hard and bust our butts,
I guarantee we're gonna crush Valley.
What? What is it?
I know my fly isn't down.
That's why I only wear track pants.
- Coach, Valley doesn't have a team anymore.
Some kid got hurt so they cancelled the season.
- Wait, you can get hurt playing football?
- Yeah, if you're a wimp.
The NFL won't even let you dive helmet-first
into a defenseless player anymore.
- Well, when you say it like that,
I mean, that sounds reasonable.
- Guys, football is totally safe.
Watch, I'll prove it.
Jamie, I'm gonna go across the middle.
Aisha, I want you to hit me while I'm in midair.
And lead with your helmet.
All right, if you would, please.
- Here you go, Coach.
- This is the greatest day of my life.
[exciting music]
* *
- All right. - Ready.
Set, hut.
* *
[all oohing] - [grunts]
- Oh!
- [groans]
Still got it. Oh...
[school bell rings]
- * When I wake up in the morning *
* Alarm gives out a warning *
* I don't think I'll ever make it on time *
* By the time I grab my books and I give myself a look *
* I'm at the corner just in time *
* It's all right *
* It's all right, saved by the bell *
* It's all right, it's all right *
* Saved by the bell *
* It's all right *
* 'Cause I'm saved by the bell *
[bell rings]
- Hey, stop nervously tapping your pen on your desk.
Mason's freestyle rapping to the beat.
- People say I'm insane
but it's a side effect of my Accutane.
- Relax, you're gonna win.
- But what if I don't?
Last year, being Class President
wasn't just something I did, it was who I was.
I can't think of a new defining personality trait.
I'm bad at sports
and I'm not horny enough to be a horse girl.
- Daisy, listen, if you win, great.
And if you don't, that's okay too.
There's a lot more to you
than one big thing you did last year.
[intercom beeps] - Good morning, Bayside.
A couple of quick announcements.
Student Council results are in.
And your new Junior Class President is
Daisy Jiménez.
- I told you. - Vice President Gil Vatooley.
Treasurer Nadia Coleman. Secretary is School Sucks--
Very funny, guys. Who wrote this in?
- It is not joke!
School Sucks is very common name in Belarus.
- And one final announcement.
Due in part to Coach Slater's horrific accident,
the football season is canceled for safety reasons.
It will be replaced with nothing.
- There's a lot more to you
than the one big thing you did last year?
- That was a lie to make you feel better.
- Got it.
- Ron, you cannot cancel football.
- Why? You hate football.
- No, I don't. I love it.
I love how it glorifies violence and objectifies women.
I think it's cool.
- Jessie, could you get to whatever this is really about?
I'm trying to eat my morning gruel before it gets warm.
- Okay, fine. [sighs]
I'm gonna tell Jamie about the divorce this week,
so nothing else bad can happen.
I've been doing a "Weekend at Bernie's" with his hermit crab.
- Oh, Jessie, I'm so sorry. It must be tough.
- René and I talked about it, and we both decided
it would be best if I was the one to tell Jamie.
- Judy and I didn't have kids,
so I never had to have this conversation.
It was hard enough telling our dog,
who did ultimately end up testifying against me in court.
Divorce, it's the worst.
- Not if you have a plan, it isn't.
Which is why I've been working every day
with my therapist Dr. Joanne to come up with this.
In this file is a script
for the perfect divorce conversation.
- Okay, well, how do you know what Jamie's gonna say?
- Well, he's my son. I know everything about him,
which is why I know the best way to do this.
I'm gonna take him to a place he loves, stick to the script,
and then as a final touch,
give him a cup of his favorite pudding from when he was a kid.
- I don't know, Jessie.
When Judy said she was leaving me,
I didn't do what she expected.
I threw my clothes out the window.
- Look, Ron, I am a professional,
and I am pretty good
at figuring out what people will say.
both: Oh, come on, Jessie.
No one can know exactly-- stop it.
Stop it.
Zebra. 47.
Rancho Cucamonga.
- How?
- Guys, I hate that football got canceled
for safety reasons.
Like, I'm so mad I could punch a locker right now...
if my doctor didn't say any sudden movement
could cause what's left of my spine to fly apart.
- We were just getting good. We were winning games.
- I'm sorry, but a bunch of parents called Toddman.
They had all these statistics about how much trauma football
does to the body.
He tried to show me, but I injured
the part of my brain that processes numbers.
- How many parents called? - Oh, man, like florbidy?
Maybe more. Maybe like florbidy-goo?
- You know what?
If our parents caused this then they can fix this.
We just need to stand up to them and demand that we play.
- [hums softly]
- So what? Your parents are scared
of football and you're scared of them?
What are they gonna do, take away your allowance?
- Oh, no, if I lose that much income,
I'll drop a tax bracket
and I'll have to reclassify my S-Corp.
- You should really be reporting that as a gift, bro.
- Dude, it is a job.
I work at being a good boy.
- Guys, look. We all agree that this sucks,
but maybe it's an opportunity to try something new.
Bayside is full of activities that aren't canceled,
including the sport I loved the most
back in high school, wrestling. - [groans]
- Oh, no, Aisha. I think you should try it.
It's the closest you're gonna get to playing football.
- Would I still get to dominate my opponents
and crush their spirits
in front of their friends and family?
- In some ways, even more so because they don't
get to hide their shame inside a helmet.
- All right. I'm in.
- All right. I'll see you at try outs.
Oh, hold on--I'm gonna give you an inspirational thumbs up.
[groaning]
Oh, God!
- So did you hear about football?
- Yes, and I know you're sad, but before you get too down,
the Palisades has a club team you can join.
The only thing is, Judd Apatow is the coach,
and he puts Leslie Mann in for every play.
- Thank you. I appreciate
all the effort you're making for me.
- Aw, honey, it's nothing. - But, you know,
I'm actually kind of glad football is canceled.
- Yes, of course we can get a puppy.
Wait, what did you just say?
- Well, honestly, Mom,
you know, just between us?
I'm actually not great at football.
Just really, really good.
- I had no idea you wanted to quit.
That's not terrifying. [laughs]
[quirky music]
How long have you felt that way?
- Oh, I don't know.
Ten months.
I mean, that was the first time I mentioned it to Craig.
Anyway, I gotta go to class, but I love you.
- Love you.
* *
- 911, what's your emergency?
- Who the hell is Craig?
- Welcome to the first Student Council meeting of the year.
As you know, Bayside is hosting
the Southern California School Spirit competition.
[cheers and applause]
And I know a lot of you are very excited
at the possibility of beating Valley.
[all jeering]
- Like my father before me,
I will give my life to beat Valley.
- That won't be necessary.
- No, I insist.
- Okay.
Anyway, one cool thing about the competition--
we need 15,000 hours of community service to qualify.
So let's give it up for community service.
- [coughs]
- Really? Nothing?
[rapid clapping] Yes.
- Oh, nah, I wasn't clapping.
I was trying to kill this mosquito.
Got it. [cheers and applause]
- Anyway, who has any ideas on how to fill this baby up?
- Oh! What if we each got someone
to give us a dollar and then they each got
someone to give them a dollar?
- That's not community service, that's a Ponzi scheme.
- What if DeVante and I picked up litter near a waterfall,
just the two of us? - Okay.
Any ideas that aren't obvious attempts at making out?
- Yes, what if Nadia and I decide to pick up litter
with no plans of making out
but then whatever happens happens?
- Okay, people, focus! This is junior year.
And I have a big agenda.
So we need to stop getting distracted
and start thinking about ideas to--
[funky music]
* *
Handsome.
- Handsome?
- Hand some. Ideas to hand some money
to people who are down on their--sexy.
- That's exactly what I pitched.
[record scratching] - Time out.
It's not just me, right?
I mean, that boy is--
- Hey, I'm Gil, Vice President. Sorry I'm late.
Has anyone suggested donating fresh produce to communities
situated in food deserts? I drew up a plan,
but it might be too long and boring.
- Uh-oh.
You're not too late. Gil, was it?
I was just about to get into this year's agenda.
- You didn't write agenda. You wrote a-wooga.
- [chuckles] Autocorrect.
- You wrote it.
- Just don't tell anyone I'm [indistinct].
- Wow. - Guys, I have a crush on Gil.
- Wait. Mac, Lexi, Jamie,
Daisy, Aisha, DeVante.
There's no Gil. Who the hell is Gil?
- That cute new kid who won Student Council Vice President.
- Oh, right.
He did that really interesting speech
about my Twitter mentions. Oh, wait.
That's just what I was reading while he was talking.
- I like him. What do I do?
- Just flirt with him on social media
like a normal person. Dur, bitch.
- Daisy doesn't have social media.
The only thing that her old-ass phone
has is a 1-800 number
that describes Instagram to the elderly.
- Mm-hmm. [phone buzzes]
- Picture one: your friend Sara has a new vest.
She is not quite pulling it off.
- [sighs]
I don't even know if he likes me back.
[door opens]
Oh, God, he's here. Do I have food in my teeth?
Should I have food in my teeth? Would that be cute?
Like, I could smile and he'd be like,
"Whoa, somebody likes carrots."
- Daisy, hey. Just relax.
Invite him over and see what happens.
- [sighs]
Hi, Gil!
- Girl, put your hand down.
- That is not what I told you to do.
- What was that? - Okay.
- Embarrassing. - Okay, idea.
You make him a mixtape of songs...
- That's not bad. - Full of subliminal messages
that will make him fall in love with you.
- There it is.
- Whatever, it works. Listen.
- * Where are you going *
- Mac, even if subliminal messaging worked,
everything you just said raises major consent issues.
You're lucky I don't wanna give you a whole speech about it.
- Yeah, I wonder why?
Daisy, listen to what I'm saying.
Don't give me a whole speech about it.
- Shoot, I have wrestling try-outs.
But, Daisy, whatever Mac
is telling you to do, do the opposite.
- No, do the opposite of whatever Aisha
is telling you to do.
Good luck at wrestling try-outs.
- Guys, I can't waste all year
crushing on some boy who doesn't like me,
making goo-goo eyes at him like some sort of DeVante.
- I mean, can't a man have zero problems for one goddamn day?
Look, I'm sure tomorrow
I'll be chased by a racist bird or whatever.
But for now, please, can I just enjoy my joy,
you stupid dicks? [phone chimes]
Oh, hey, baby.
- Daisy, I get it. Having a crush on someone
who doesn't like you is embarrassing and distracting.
I mean, before Jamie liked me, I was in your shoes.
Not literally, I'd jump off a roof.
Let me help you stop having a crush on Gil.
- Wait, Lexi, you can do that?
- Let's just say there's a reason everybody turned
on Jennifer Lawrence for no reason.
And it's me, I'm the reason.
[laidback music]
* *
- Yo, your new captain's here.
- Ah, you know what?
That was a cool enough entrance.
I'ma go ahead and let you skip the line.
Go get 'em, champ. [laughs]
- Thanks, Coach. - All right, you got it.
[students cheer and clap]
- [laughs] This is a joke, right?
- They call me The Fish.
Welcome to hell.
- Two-minute periods. First to three takedowns.
[whistle blows]
[exciting rock music]
- [grunts]
all: Ooh.
- Why are you so slippery? - My natural oils.
[whistle blows]
* *
- What the hell?
all: The Fish! The Fish! The Fish!
- Stop pumping your fist, punk.
- I'll stop as soon as they start chanting your name.
all: The Fish! The Fish!
- They're about to. Watch this.
Tweet!
[all groaning]
- Hey, that was some good stuff out there.
Okay, it's unfortunate that The Fish
is the only person in your weight class.
But don't worry about it, you'll get there.
- Actually, I won't. 'Cause I quit.
- Oh, come on, Aisha, qui--ugh.
[dramatic music]
- Mac, I need one of your creepy brainwashing tapes.
- Hey, don't call them that.
I'm actually in a trademark dispute
with Dr. Hypnotico's Creepy Brainwashing Tapes.
- You got anything that will make the football players
brave enough to stand up to their parents?
- You know, I just might. Take a look.
[locker whirs]
- "Believe whatever I say." - Mm-hmm.
- "Bequeath me all of your money."
"Bradley Cooper, Go Camping With Me"?
- Don't read all of those. It's this one: bravery.
[upbeat music plays] - * Where are you going *
* *
- So they think they'll be hearing that,
but really they're hearing this.
Stand up and confront the things that scare you.
Your fears aren't real.
Unless you're Bradley Cooper.
In that case they are real and you need Mac's protection.
- Daisy, step into my office.
- I thought that was just something people said.
How'd you get an office at school?
- The same way Max Landis got his career.
I asked my dad.
Anyway, I talked to people who talked to people
who hang out with Gil.
And when you hear the sick twisted things
I learned about him,
you are going to stop liking him immediately.
- I'm ready. Bring it on.
- Okay, brace yourself.
Gil's dog... - Mm-hmm?
- Is a rescue.
- Lexi, adopting a dog with nowhere to go is a good thing.
- Nowhere to go? [scoffs]
I know a coat factory in Burlington.
Just kidding. Unless, do you need a coat?
- What else did you find out? - Mm, get this.
He is apparently a huge dork.
His favorite book is a fantasy series called
"The Dungeon Songs of Wheelengraffe."
- Mm-hmm.
Did they mention which one was his favorite book?
- Mm, book 14.
- The one where they defeat the Nargon Queen to retrieve
the sacred strand of hair? Oh, that's the best one!
"Takes school seriously. Learning Latin for fun.
Is always on a boring high horse about something"?
- Ugh.
- Lexi, this is everything I'm into.
You only made me fall more in love with him.
[sighs] This is hopeless.
- Look, I obviously haven't dug deep enough.
But I promise, I'm gonna find something about Gil that sucks.
Ooh, maybe he's nice
to his mom all the time, like a little freak.
[quirky music]
* *
- Okay, I feel a little foolish.
- You feel foolish? Until this moment,
I thought the saying was "hope springs a turtle."
- No, I mean, I don't know everything about Jamie.
You were right, I can't predict everything he's gonna do.
- Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that.
Because I was thinking your plan was a little kooky.
But I'm terrified of conflict, so I just waited until you left
and I screamed it into this pillow.
- It was a little kooky, wasn't it?
I mean, there's no way for one little script
to cover every possible scenario.
- [chuckles]
- Which is why I stayed up
all night writing a thousand scripts.
- "In Case Jamie Tries to Run Away,"
"In Case Jamie Thinks It's His Fault,"
"In Case Jamie Thinks It's Toddman's Fault?"
- Like I said, every possible scenario.
- Oh, Jessie.
Look, I know you.
When you have a problem, you're gonna do
whatever it takes to make it go your way.
You have chained yourself to so many bulldozers over the years,
the hardware store sells things they call "Spano Guards."
- They don't work.
- But there are certain things that you can't control.
Things you just have to go through,
hoping for the best but knowing they still could be the worst.
- [sighs]
I know you're right.
- In the moment, you'll know the right thing to say.
- But what if I don't?
When my parents told me they were getting a divorce,
it went about as bad as it could go.
My mom was a wreck.
She had mascara all over her face.
She looked like Johnny Depp in, well, most of his movies.
And to top it off, she forgot to make dinner.
So we had to eat popcorn chicken from the gas station.
It was just a mess.
- That sounds really rough.
But maybe your mom was just doing her best.
That's kind of all anybody can do.
- Thanks, Ron. You're a great listener.
- Well, it snakes one to know one.
- The reason that I called you all in here
is 'cause I don't think that we should give up on football.
Look, I get that you're scared.
But you gotta stand up for yourselves.
- Guys, she's right.
If you wanna fight for football,
you gotta talk to your parents.
I'd do it, but for some reason,
none of your dads let me talk to your moms.
- Our parents are just too scary.
Last night, my dad said, "I'm putting my foot down."
I haven't heard him say that since he starred in an NBC show
about a soccer player who fights crime with his feet.
- Oh, my God.
- I didn't wanna have to do this
but I'm gonna play us a song.
- * Where are you going? *
[upbeat music playing]
* Where have you been? *
* You don't have to tell me *
- That's so weird. Suddenly I feel brave.
- I know what you mean. - I feel amazing.
Like I can finally stand up and confront
the thing that scares me. - Yeah.
- And, Aisha, damn it, it's you.
- Wait, what?
- I asked my parents to cancel football.
- Me too.
We all did. It is dangerous.
We were just scared to tell you because we knew
you'd make a bunch of withering facial expressions.
- Come on.
- Like that. She's doing it, boys.
- Well, I'm not scared of you anymore.
We've all moved on.
I play the flute now.
Chet started a garden.
Mostly herbs but he wants to see where it goes.
- Coach, tell them to stop being babies about this.
- Uh, Aisha,
I was kind of afraid to say it, but I'm scared too.
I mean, if one of you guys got hurt as bad as I did,
I wouldn't be able to live with myself.
Come on, did you really hate wrestling that much?
[somber music]
* *
- While we're all being brave,
Ethan, I've been having sex with your girlfriend.
- Bro.
I've been having sex with yours.
- Bring it in, brother. - [laughs]
Hey, you wanna go on a double date some time?
[intercom beeps] - Daisy Jiménez.
Please report to Lexi's office.
Wait a minute, why the hell does Lexi have an office here?
- Okay, Daisy. Good news.
By posing as a dork named Emily,
I was able to steal Gil's phone to get dirt on him.
And you won't believe who he's been texting.
- Probably someone that makes him even more dreamy.
Who is it? Malala?
Maluma? Megarkle?
That's my nickname for Meghan Markle.
- No, Daisy, he texted you on the second day of school.
But you never got it because of your ancient phone.
See.
- "Hey, Daisy, it's Gil, your potential VP."
Fingers crossed emoji.
"I really liked your speech.
"Would you ever wanna grab a burger at The Max
and talk about Student Council?"
- Yeah, you never responded.
And then two days later, he sent this.
"Gil again. Sorry.
"Maybe that was weird to ask.
"I won't brother you again. I meant brother.
"Brother. Bother.
Duck."
- So he likes me, but was acting weird
because he thought I didn't like him?
- Which is exactly what you're doing.
It's like you dorks were made for each other.
[phone chimes, vibrates]
Oh, of course. As you can imagine,
50 nerds immediately fell in love with Emily,
and now they want Lexi to help set them up with her.
Are you okay? I thought you'd be happy.
- Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?
[phone rings] - Ooh.
Hey, it's Lexi.
Oh, yeah, hang on. Emily is right here.
[coughing]
[nasally voice] Hey, it's Emily. "Star Trek" and so on.
[chuckles]
Yeah. I love Pokémon.
- I don't know if you remember this park.
- Are you kidding?
I used to love this place as a kid.
Those are the swings where I broke my arm.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, and the slide where I broke my leg.
The jungle gym where I broke my other arm.
Man, that was a wild day.
- You wanna sit? - Yeah.
[sighs]
- Jamie,
I need to tell you something.
Your father and I--
- You guys are getting a divorce, aren't you?
- Wait, you knew?
How did you know?
- Kinda just figured it out.
- Of course you knew.
[gentle music]
It's such a special thing about you,
how perceptive you are.
I know this is really hard.
- Yeah.
- It was hard for me too when I was a kid.
And I just wanted so much
for you to not have to go through that.
But it's happening anyway. It just sucks.
* *
- So what happens now?
Like, what's the plan?
- [crying] I don't have a plan.
I only planned to stay married to your father.
[sobbing] Ugh!
I promised myself I wouldn't cry like my dumb mom
and I am.
[soft quirky music]
Oh, what the hell?
I didn't even wear mascara today.
Oh, my God, I'm a mess.
Do you want some old pudding?
- Hey, I think this expired, like, 12 years ago.
- Oh, no. You're right.
- It's okay.
You're just doing your best.
- You are so much kinder than I was at your age.
Should we get some popcorn chicken at the gas station?
- That sounds perfect.
- Oh, and let's call Nana on the way.
I think I owe her an apology.
- Okay. - Come on. [laughs]
- What?
Did Lexi find out something horrible about Gil?
Is he one of those people that stands up
as soon as the plane lands even though he's in the back row?
- No. Worse.
He's perfect and he likes me back.
- Bitch, what?
- My mom got me this phone so I wouldn't spend all day
texting with guys and shaking my culito on TikTok.
- I know.
- But as much as I complain about it,
it was a nice excuse just to focus on school
and not have to flirt with boys.
- You've flirted with boys before.
I remember you having a pretty sexy vibe
with Ryan back in middle school.
- Aisha, he's my cousin.
- Then why do you have pictures of him in your bedroom?
- They're of my whole family. - Oh.
- It doesn't matter if Gil likes me or not.
I can already feel how bad I'm gonna be at this.
I wish I was more like you.
You're never scared of anything.
- Okay. Full disclosure.
I am currently terrified of a tiny man named The Fish.
I quit wrestling.
- I mean, if you hated it--
- I don't even know if I hated it.
I just hated being bad at something.
I'm scared of feeling like a loser.
- [sighs] Should we just give up this time?
I mean, it's always right there as an option
and we almost never do it.
[gentle acoustic music playing]
Or what if you do your scary thing
and I do my scary thing and we just see how it goes?
- What? Just like that?
What's got you feeling so brave?
- I don't know.
Probably being next to my best friend
who's always telling me
I'm more than the things I've done before.
* *
- I love you. - I love you.
Come on.
* *
[tape deck clicks, music stops]
- Ol' Mac did it again.
[door opens]
[girls chattering indistinctly]
[energetic music playing]
- [high-pitched vocalizing]
* *
- * Yeah *
* Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo *
* Where are you going *
* Where have you been *
- Please. I didn't do anything.
I did not do a single thing. Please.
Please!
- * Don't leave with your love please *
* Don't you leave me here on my own *
* Don't leave with your love *
* All alone *
[high-pitched vocalizing]
* Don't leave with your love *
* Please, please *
* Don't you leave me here on my own *
* Don't leave with your love *
* All alone *
* Hey hey hey now now, baby *
* Don't leave with your love *
* Don't you leave *
* Don't you leave me here on my own *
* Don't leave with your love *
* All alone *
* No no no, baby *
* Don't leave with your love *
* Don't you leave *
* Don't you leave me here on my own *
* Don't *
* Don't leave with your love *
* All alone *
* *