[DOORBELL RINGS]
[RINGING CONTINUES]
[KNOCKING]
[RINGING CONTINUES]
[KNOCKING CONTINUES]
- Fucking hell. [GRUNTS] - [WATCH BEEPS]
All right, let's go.
It's 4:00 a.m.
Yeah. We start at 4:00 a.m.
I thought you were joking.
How is that a joke?
'Cause it's 4:00 a.m.
We start at 4:00, so you can do three workouts a day instead of two.
[SIGHS] Okay, but it's 4:00 a.m.
Do you wanna be better than Zava or not?
[SIGHS] Well, how are we gonna see? It's dark out.
Fucking hell.
Now get dressed. Or I start flicking your balls.
This is perverse.
[SIGHS]
[CHUCKLES] Whoops.
[SIGHS] There you go.
[GRUNTS]
Good morning, Sassy Smurf.
- Good morning, Marlboro Man. - [CHUCKLES]
You know, you snored all night.
Hmm. I'm sorry about that. [SIGHS]
That's all right. It's actually very soothing.
Sounded like the sea.
Well, I'm glad you didn't hear any boat horns,
given all the fried yams I ate last night.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Oh.
Hey, I was thinking. We have a good time together, yeah?
They're called simultaneous orgasms, Ted, yes.
Yeah, well, but I mean
also all the talking and laughing and all that stuff. Yeah?
Sure. Well, apart from all your dreadful puns.
Right. Well, it's tough. Sometimes I just see 'em there,
and I gotta take a swing at 'em, you know?
No, I... Well, what I'm getting at is, um...
Well, I was just thinking maybe... [INHALES DEEPLY]
... we could go on an actual date sometime.
You know? You and me, together. [CHUCKLES]
God, no.
Well, I appreciate you taking the time to consider it.
Ted, we can't date.
Why not?
- You're a mess. - I'm a mess?
Course you are.
I'm a mess too, but I'm a mess three years further on than you,
so I'm more of a slight disarray.
More like a slight disarray of sunshine, if you ask me.
Oh, God.
- Sorry. - Ted, on the day my ex got remarried,
I drank a bottle of red wine through a straw
and told my Uber driver I was in love with him.
Then, when he dropped me home, I puked so much,
my mouth was like an elevator from the goddamn Shining.
Knocked my rating down to a 3.9.
3.9? Ooh.
Fuck you. Why? What's yours?
Oh, God, you're a five, aren't you?
Course you're a five. How the fuck are you a five?
I don't know. I'm tidy. I say "Please" and "Thank you."
Sometimes I offer to drive if they look tired.
Oh, you are such a mess.
[SIGHS]
Ted, I like our status.
Friends with benefits, like Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher.
Oh, no, no, no. I think you're thinking of 2011's other
good-friends-turned-casual-lovers based rom-com.
No Strings Attached.
Friends with Benefits was Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake.
Oh, wow. 2011, friends be fuckin'.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
So, let's keep things 2011. Cool and breezy.
- Like an Arab Spring. - [CHUCKLES] Mmm.
[KISSES] And good luck against West Ham this weekend.
- Mmm. - Fuck Rupert
and that shriveled raisin-pouch he calls a nutsack.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
Hello! Here for Flo?
- You can jump in, love. - Lovely, thank you.
Ooh, this is nice. Gray seats? Yes, please.
[RADIO PRESENTER] ... West Ham. This is the real opportunity
for the Wonder Kid to become the Wonder Man...
[ROY] 101.
100.
- [GRUNTS] - [ROY] Ninety-nine.
[GRUNTS, GROANS]
[GAGS, COUGHS]
Why do you only sleep with a top on?
Because I get cold upstairs and hot downstairs.
Hmm. I get that.
[RETCHES, GRUNTS]
Mornin'.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[REBECCA] Oh, listen to what Rupert said in this one.
"I truly look forward to seeing my old club again.
Richmond are top-class."
Ugh, what a soggy, wet piece of shit.
- Thank you. - Mmm.
[DOOR OPENS]
Right, I'm off to the training ground.
Thanks again for the opportunity.
Babe, you earned it.
Shandy came up with this super fun Bantr promo.
It uses all the single players on the team.
[SHANDY] Yeah.
The anonymous man you're Bantr-ing with
could be a professional footballer.
- Mmm? - Oh, that's great.
And that's all the single players, you say?
So, it's, like, Colin and Dani and Sam, et cetera?
Yeah, although I don't think Sam's doing it anymore.
- [MOUTHING] No. - Mmm. So fun.
- [CLEARS THROAT] Um, Ms. Jones. - Hello, Barbara.
- All right there, Barbs? - It's "Barbara."
Um, if possible, could I get two tickets
for the Richmond-West Ham match?
Jack might be coming to London this weekend.
Of course.
Who's Jack?
[CHUCKLES]
- Jack Danvers. - Mmm?
The head of the VC that funded your company.
Our boss.
Yes. That Jack. Of course.
- Uh... - That's not a problem, Barbara.
I can let you have some seats in my suite.
Oh. [CHUCKLES] Lovely.
Thank you so much, Rebecca. That's so kind of you and so efficient.
[CLICKS TONGUE] Keeley.
Thanks, Barbara. [SIGHS]
So, the one thing we cannot do against West Ham is the False Nine.
- 'Cause that's Nate's shit. - [COACH BEARD] Exactly.
So, we decided to go with our classic 4-4-2.
Which is exactly what that prick expects us to do.
So, we do the opposite. Five up front. Full-on attack.
But Nate knows we're gonna do that,
because Nate knows that we're trying
to outthink him by thinking like him.
Well, fuck Nate, fuck thinking and fuck fucking Socrates.
So, we gotta stop thinking like Nate and start thinking
like Nate would think we would think if Nate were thinking like us,
and then do the last thing that Nate thinking like us
thinking like Nate thinking like us would ever expect us to do.
Have Zava drop back and play Nate's False Nine.
Voi-fucking-là.
Brilliant.
- Ah, it's mostly Beard's idea. - Nah, it was a group effort.
I do have one question.
- Of course. - Who fucking cares?
Do you think Zava'll do it?
Fuck!
- Good mornin'. - Hey.
- [ROY SIGHS, GROANS] - Oh. Oh.
- Uh-oh, what's wrong? - Roy doesn't think we can beat Nate.
- Higgins doesn't think so either! - [GASPS] Beard said it to me first.
- You throw me under the bus? How dare... - You walked in here this morning...
- Oh, you're gonna sell me out? - Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Y'all pointin' more fingers than Ganesha givin' directions.
Now look, you fellas need to calm down and just kiss.
He's right.
Keep it simple, smartypants.
- [GROANS] - An answer will show up. Don't worry.
But until it does, here's a question for y'all: Am I a mess?
[STAMMERS] Sassy ended up spending the night last night and, uh...
- [COACH BEARD, HIGGINS] Ooh. - No, no, no, hush your butts.
That ain't the headline.
Well, I asked her out on a proper date this morning.
She turned me down cold.
She said I was... and I quote... "a mess." [SIGHS]
- Ooh. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sounds like a case for the Diamond Dogs!
Release the hounds. [HOWLING]
Yeah, here we go! Let's do it.
[HOWLING, BARKING]
Fuck's sakes.
[HOWLING, BARKING CONTINUES]
Yes.
- "Yes" what? - Yes, you're a mess.
Okay. Expound.
We're playing Nate this week,
and you're acting like it's not a big deal.
Nothing's different. He didn't hurt you.
Hey, look, we ain't talking about Nate right now.
I'm asking you if you think I'm a mess. All right?
Higgy pie, what do you think?
I think I don't understand how you're not pissed off with Nate.
[GROANS]
We have a saying in Co-Dependents Anonymous.
Y... What?
Uh, Jane makes me go with her.
- Oh. - Oh, yeah.
[SIGHS] Pain is like carbon monoxide.
[SIGHS] Expressing it to the person
who hurt you is like opening a vent,
but holding it in will poison you.
[WHISTLES] I like that. But Nate didn't hurt me.
Bullshit!
Oh, Roy, did you wanna get in on this Diamond Dog situation?
- Hey, Roy! [KISSING] Hey, Roy. - [COACH BEARD] Hey, Roy. Here, Roy.
- [BARKING] - Here, Roy. Come here, Roy.
La, la, la, la, la!
So, the match of the week is clearly Richmond and West Ham.
Now, it's been a strong start to the season for both of these teams,
but I think the Hammers are favorites, going into the London derby,
based on the tactical acumen of the Wonder Kid, Nathan Shelley.
- [BOOS] - [ALL GROAN]
Yeah, Shelley is brilliant, there's no doubt about that,
but Zava, he is a genius. I like the Greyhounds for this one.
- [PLAYERS CHEER] - That's my guy!
No, you can't have him. He's mine.
[PLAYERS CHUCKLE]
- Let's move on, shall we, to Sunday's... - [THIERRY] Hey, look. Guys, guys.
Who cares, right?
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
Now come on, we've got work to do. Let's go.
- [PLAYERS CHATTERING] - [ZAVA] He is correct.
We must ignore these talking faces. Even when they are in our favor.
Thank you, "Zorro."
Oh, exactly, but it's, uh... It's actually pronounced, uh, "Zoreaux."
Why?
I don't know. Because that's how my parents say it, I guess?
My friend, you can be whoever you want to be.
I let all of my children name themselves
once they reach the age of seven.
That is why my eldest is called "Smingus Dingus."
- Mmm. - Dream big, and you may never wake up.
Thank you.
Jesus.
I can't believe I'm about to say this,
but hey, lads, I agree with Zava.
Yes, it's a big fucking game,
but we've just gotta focus, do what we do,
- do you know what I mean? - Yeah. He's right.
And don't forget, yeah?
- Believe in "Believe." - Yes.
- [GASPING] Whoa! - Whoa! What the...
What?
- [CLICKS TONGUE] Oh, shit. - What?
Oh.
- Why the fuck did you do that? - I was just checking
if I acquired the ability to chop things in half.
Yeah, and what if you had?
Sorry, bruv. I didn't think it through.
[STAMMERS]
Fellas. Someone ripped this in half.
What the fuck? What?
[PLAYER] What the fuck?
- [ALL CHATTERING] - [PLAYER] You're joking.
[PLAYER] What the fuck?
[GREEK MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, hello...
Jade.
Nathan.
Shelley.
Lovely to see you again. [CHUCKLES]
Okay.
[SMACKS LIPS] Sorry I've not been around much. [CHUCKLES]
You haven't?
No. No, I've been, uh, really busy with, uh... with my new job.
Big, big new job just keeping me... [GROANS] ... very busy.
Sounds silly. Maybe you should quit your big new busy job.
Anyway, uh, just here to pick up my takeaway.
I bought lunch for my whole staff.
Apart from the trainers, 'cause they eat like cows. [CHUCKLES]
Sorry, that sounds, um...
No, they're love... I mean, they're lovely people.
They're just vegetarians. [CHUCKLES]
No way.
Look who's here. No fucking way! [LAUGHS]
Do you know who this is?
Mmm. Jason Jelly.
- [MANAGER] That's right. - No, "Nathan Shelley."
- Mmm. - That's right, Nathan Shelley,
manager of West Ham United, in my restaurant!
- [LAUGHS] Big week, my guy. - Yep.
Big fucking week. [INHALES SHARPLY] I'm Derek. I'm the manager here.
[CLEARS THROAT] Anything you need, you got it.
- Okay. - From one manager to another. [CHUCKLES]
Yeah, well, it's not... not quite the same, but...
[CHUCKLES] Facing your team this week.
- [HUFFS] That's gotta be hard-core, right? - Mmm.
I mean, you talked a lot of shit about them in the press. [CHUCKLES]
- Didn't ya? I loved it. [CHUCKLES] - Sorry, can I, um... can I pay?
[STAMMERS] No. No. No, no, no, no.
This is on me, okay? On me. Understand?
This man's money is no good here. [LAUGHS]
Never charge. Except for booze. Gotta charge for booze.
I didn't order any booze. It's 12:30.
[LAUGHS] Knock 'em dead.
- Mmm. - Go Hammers! [CHUCKLING]
No way.
Oi, oi, oi. Do you know who this is? [CHUCKLES]
All right, okay. Bye.
[SHANDY] And cut!
Lovely, Colin. Thank you.
All right. [INHALES DEEPLY] Okay, Dani, you're up.
- [CHATTERING] - I'm very nervous.
Oh, no, no. Don't be nervous. Look, just sit here.
- Mm-hmm. - Look into the camera
and pretend you're talking to an old friend.
My oldest friend is Javiar.
Great. How long have you known Javiar?
Only a couple of months, but he turns 108 years old next week.
- Perfect. - [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
Final checks.
Thank you.
- [CREW MEMBER] Hello, Keeley. - Hi.
Yeah. Just scoot to your left a little bit.
Yeah, that's it. Okay, off you go, Dani.
You may not know who I am,
but I think the most beautiful parts of a woman are her flaws.
- Hmm. - And cut! Thank you, Dani. Next!
Okay.
- [GASPS, SCREAMS] - [EXCLAIMS, LAUGHS]
- Brought you coffee. - Yeah.
- How's it going? - Oh, my God. This is great.
- Yeah? - They're great.
I just... I love being the boss.
- Cheers to that. Yeah. - Cheers to that.
Uh, you ready, Zoreaux?
Oh, uh, yeah, but I actually go by "Van Damme" now.
Okay, great. Action, Van Damme.
You don't know who I am,
but I'm looking for someone who likes short walks on the beach,
so we can spend more time, you know...
[SNICKERING]
And cut.
Great, thanks, Van Damme. Next!
[CHATTERING]
- Van Damme? - Yeah. It's my new name.
Oh, cool. Why?
Because I love Jean-Claude Van Damme,
and Zava told me I should be whoever I wanna be.
- Okay, yeah. Cool. - All right, Van Damme.
- All right, boys. - Take it easy.
- [SHANDY] He's so fucking hot. - [CHUCKLES]
What's his story?
Jamie? Oh, he's so cocky.
But I guess you have to be at this level.
But he only thinks about himself.
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
At least, he used to.
[JAMIE] Joking. No. [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
But he's not accountable for his actions and what they do to others.
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
Except he is getting better at making apologies.
Still, he only thinks with his dick.
And yet, I don't think he's seen anyone in ages.
[INHALES DEEPLY] I just wanna know if I can bang him, babe.
Oh. [CHUCKLES] I don't know.
You should probably ask him, it's his dick. [CHUCKLES]
Cool. Off you go, Jamie.
[ENGINE REVS]
[CHATTERING]
Oh, what are y'all still doing here?
Coach, you're gonna wanna watch this. [SIGHS]
Ooh, is it one of them videos
of a military parent coming home after a long tour?
'Cause if so, I'm gonna be eating tears and snot for dinner.
- Not quite. - Hmm.
[ROY CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
[COACH BEARD SIGHS]
[ROY] Here we go.
[TED GROANS]
[GROANS]
Where'd this come from?
This fucking legend thought to pull the security footage
when we told him about the sign.
I guess you can take the boy out of journalism
but you can't take journalism out of the boy.
Right, you fucking ruined it now. The point is,
the answer we were looking for has arrived.
What are you talking about?
A video like this could motivate a team, perhaps.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you for your help, Trent.
May a young Robert Redford portray you in a film someday.
- Probably Dustin Hoffman. - Mm-hmm.
- [CHUCKLES] Good night. - Good night.
Go home, guys. Get some sleep.
- Okay. - [TED] Mm-hmm.
- Good night, Ted. Night, Beard. - Good night.
Night, Coach.
[SIGHS]
- Uh, Coach. - Mmm.
I was thinking about your Sassy situation.
Oh, yeah.
Jane's sister is in town.
- No, thank you, Coach. - That's the right answer.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Burning the midnight oil, I see.
Uh, yeah. Sorry for the smell. [CHUCKLES]
The oil burning. [STAMMERS]
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
So, you're feeling confident about this weekend?
Yeah. Yeah, no, I think so. Um...
Yeah, no. Go... Yeah. We're gonna destroy, right? [CHUCKLES]
Good.
No, it's j... Um... It's just, I...
I just haven't seen Ted since I left and, uh...
We didn't leave on the best of terms and...
I feel like I owe him an apology or something.
You did what was best for you.
What were you meant to do?
Hang around, supporting Ted for the rest of your life?
I don't think so.
[CHUCKLES]
You've done nothing wrong, Nathan, I promise you.
You earned this job.
Well, so what do I say when I see him?
[CHUCKLES] You say nothing, apart from "hello."
You look him in the eye. You shake his hand.
And then you beat him.
And then we go and celebrate.
[SCOFFS] Okay.
Good night, Nathan.
Good night, Rupert. Thank you.
Mr. Mannion.
[SCOFFS]
Hey.
Working late? Or hardly working?
Well, I don't think that's how the joke goes. [CHUCKLES]
What joke?
Never mind. What's up?
[SIGHS]
I really want to win this one.
I know.
Everything okay?
Am I a mess?
Of course you are. That's why we get along.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
And I wish I could tell you to ignore Sass, but she's usually right.
[CLICKS TONGUE] So, Sassy already told you about the...
Of course. Girl talk.
Girl talk.
Mm-hmm. [SIGHS] Hmm.
So, is everything all right?
Yeah, I'm good.
Oklahoma?
[GRUNTS]
I'm a work in "progmess."
[CHUCKLES]
Good night, Ted.
You already won, you know?
You got that turkey out of your life.
[SIGHS]
Beat them.
Good night, boss.
[SIGHS]
[CROWD CHATTERING]
- [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING] - [REPORTERS CLAMORING]
[REPORTERS] Oh!
[REPORTERS CHEERING]
Oi, do I look all right?
Of course you do. Why?
Well, if Jack actually shows up,
I want him to think that I look mysterious and powerful.
Dynamic, you know?
- All of that. - You are mysterious, powerful and dynamic.
Ooh. Shit, I'm nervous.
I think I need to go and reapply my lip liner.
- I'll see you upstairs in the suite. - Yep.
[REBECCA CHUCKLES]
Hey, Rebecca!
- Rupert. - Wonderful to see you.
- Bex. Love the new hair. - Hi.
I haven't changed my hair.
Nor should you. It's perfection.
[CHUCKLES]
So, how's the little one?
Oh, yeah, Diane. She's already walking. Can you believe that?
Yeah. Drooling and pooing around the house.
[CHUCKLES] Takes after her father.
- [LAUGHING] - Well. Hey, take it easy on us today.
Aah. No promises.
[SIGHS]
[GASPS] Oh, shit. [SIGHS]
Excuse me.
I've got a bit of a situation here.
Oh, thank you. But it's actually not that.
[GASPS] You're a lifesaver!
- [CHUCKLES] - Usually I'm like clockwork,
but because I've been so stressed, I've come on early.
Oh, I'm so happy that it's a super and not a skinny.
Who are those even for?
It's not like my vagina is on a diet,
I'm on my fucking period. [CHUCKLES]
[TOILET FLUSHES]
Oi, thanks for helping me.
And I love your shoes!
Ah, yeah. [CHUCKLES] Thanks.
- Pay it forward. - Yeah.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Sorry.
Excuse me.
Hi.
- Boy, you're tall. - [CHUCKLES]
Is your dad a tree or something? [CHUCKLES]
No, I'm screwing around. [SIGHS]
Hey, speaking of trees, who are y'all rooting for today?
[ALL] West Ham.
- Yeah, no, that makes sense. Yeah. - [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Go ahead. Yeah. Going down one more floor.
- Thank you. - Yeah, of course.
Best of luck out there.
Hey, Nate. That you?
Oh. Hi. I didn't see you there.
- Oh, that's okay. How you been, man? - Yeah, okay.
Yeah. Good. Good.
- [CHUCKLES] - [SIGHS]
Listen, Ted.
- I... I just wanna say that... - [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
... the way I left...
Nathan. There you are.
Yeah.
Hey, Rupert.
- Ted. - Nice to see you again.
[CHUCKLES] Good luck.
[DOOR CLOSES]
- [BARBARA] Keeley? Yeah. [LAUGHS] - [REBECCA] She's absolutely fantastic.
- Oh, here she is now. - [REBECCA] Ah.
- Hey. Hey. Yeah. - Um, Keeley? This is Jack Danvers.
Hello.
I believe you have something of mine.
Oh, fuck. You're Jack?
[CHUCKLES]
Ooh, this is a bit embarrassing.
- No. - Yeah. We all thought you were a man.
Yeah, that too. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, it's like that old riddle.
- What riddle? - You know, always a tricky one, this one.
A father and son are in a car wreck.
Dad dies instantly, the son is rushed to an emergency room.
A surgeon walks in and says,
"I can't operate on this boy. He's my son."
[WHISPERS] How is it possible?
- [GASPS] Because she's a woman. - She's gay.
- Sperm donor. - He lives in a simulation?
Right. Yeah, I guess that's a bit dated now.
Um, so, I assume "Jack" is short for "Jacqueline," right?
No. It's short for my father wanted a boy.
[SHANDY CHUCKLES]
I'm gonna go and sit down now, outside. Now.
[CHUCKLES] Jack, welcome.
We are not allowed to take drinks to our seats.
So if you want to get plastered, we should probably do that now.
- Mmm. Okay. - [LAUGHING]
Well, after you.
[BARBARA CONTINUES LAUGHING]
Ah, you're so funny, Rebecca. [CHUCKLES]
[EXHALES HEAVILY] Barbara's obsessed with Rebecca.
I hope she doesn't try and kill her and wear her skin as a suit.
What the fuck?
- Cheers. It's gonna be a good day. - [DOOR BELL JINGLES]
- All right, Baz. - Oi!
[DOOR BELL JINGLES]
This is a Richmond pub.
It's all right, Mae. He's with me.
Get the fuck out!
[ALL LAUGHING]
[PATRON] Come on, Richmond!
[ALL] Come on, Richmond! Come on, Richmond!
[ARLO] It's a full house for today's battle
between West Ham United and Zava's AFC Richmond.
A win would take either team to the top spot in the table,
knocking mighty Manchester City off number one.
Should be a tight match, Chris. Any predictions?
I stopped making predictions, Arlo.
Because I was never wrong.
Got to the point I was worried I was the one making things happen.
Well, that's interesting.
I knew you'd say that.
[CROWD SINGING] ♪ They fade and die ♪
♪ Fortune's always hiding ♪
♪ I've looked everywhere ♪
♪ I'm forever blowing bubbles ♪
♪ Pretty bubbles in the air ♪
United! United!
[CROWD CHEERING]
Uh, Nate.
[CHEERING CONTINUES]
Let's have fun out there today, yeah? [CHUCKLES]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[ARLO] West Ham are quite happy to just soak up the pressure.
Not taking any risks at all against Richmond,
of all teams, at home.
- A sign of how far Richmond have come. - It's all right. We're okay.
[CHRIS] What a threat Zava is.
Richmond! To the right, to the right, to the right!
Tight! Don't get scared.
- [THIERRY GRUNTS] - [ARLO] And it stays nil-nil,
thanks to an amazing save by Zoreaux.
- Van Damme. Van Damme. - [COACH BEARD, ROY] Van Damme!
I hear he wants to be called "Van Damme" now.
Why?*
Well, we'd probably have to dive into his childhood for that answer.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[ARLO] Richmond need the key pass to unlock the Hammers' defense.
That could be the one.
- Tartt hits the woodwork. - No!
- That was close. - Zava was wide open.
For Zava!
[ARLO] There'll be two more minutes
in the first half of this scoreless,
but pulsating, London derby.
- Obisanya caught in possession. - No. No, no, no.
[ARLO] And here come West Ham on the break.
Armando bearing down on goal.
[GRUNTS]
- [WEST HAM FANS] Yeah! - Yes!
[ARLO] And it's there. Right under Van Damme.
The Canadian keeper apparently not as unstoppable
as the Muscles from Brussels.
[CHRIS] That's not fair, Arlo. Nobody is.
- We've been here before. Come on. - Come on, lads.
[ARLO] The Hammers go up 1-nil just before halftime.
Fuck it.
All right, guys. Come on, now. Let's end this half strong!
Huddle. [WHISTLES]
What's this shit?
- [TED] Hmm. - I don't know.
- Lower. Lower. Move it right. Five. - Brilliant. Brilliant.
- Right now, come on. Five. - Ref, just blow the fucking whistle.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[ARLO] West Ham pressing now.
- No, no. - [ARLO] A new tactic from the Hammers
in the closing seconds of the first half.
[CHRIS] It's never too late to change, Arlo.
- [THIERRY] No! - Fuck! Fuck you! Fuck!
[ARLO] And it's 2-nil. Oh, deary me.
Excuse me.
How did that happen?
- [WHISTLE BLOWS] - [ARLO] We go to halftime.
Richmond have dominated possession,
but out of absolutely nowhere, it's 2-nil to the Hammers.
[BAR PATRON] We don't deserve that.
- What the fuck just happened? - [SIGHS]
I... I d... I don't know.
Hey, fellas. Uh, I'll be right back. Okay?
The fuck are you going?
- I'll just be a minute or two, okay? - What do we t-tell... tell the team?
I don't know. Surprise me. [CHUCKLES]
[STAMMERS]
Hey, boss. What you doing down here?
I just wanted to tell you that I believe in you, Ted.
Uh-huh?
And I know that I've been putting an awful lot of pressure on you
to win today, but I just... just want you to forget all about that.
Just... [INHALES SHARPLY] ... be yourself and have fun.
- Okay. - Yeah.
Okay. Well, thank you.
I believe in you, Ted.
- And it's intense. - [EXHALES SHARPLY]
- I better go. All right. - Off you pop. [CHUCKLES]
[REBECCA BREATHES DEEPLY]
Remember, have fun! Whoo-hoo!
- Yes! This is so exciting! - [EXHALES DEEPLY]
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
No.
[CLAMORING, SHOUTING]
This is your surprise, huh?
A minute ago, they were catatonic. Now look at them.
- They're killers. - Frankly, Ted, sometimes that's good.
- [CROWD CHEERING] - [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
[ARLO] Oh, my. Richmond coming out of the tunnel
with a palpable chip on their shoulder.
[CHRIS] Wow. A real tension on the pitch.
I think we're in for an exciting half.
[ARLO] We begin the second half
with Richmond looking for a strong start.
- Come on, boys. Fucking kill 'em. - Fucking kill 'em.
- Here we go. Here we go! - Kill!
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
- [ARLO] Ooh. That's an awful tackle. - [PATRONS] Oh.
- He would be fortunate to escape... - Oh, fuck.
... with just a yellow.
It's a deserved red, and Richmond
will play almost the entire second half with ten men.
He's actually a very sweet young man.
[ARLO] Here come West Ham. [GRUNTS]
[PATRONS] Aw.
[PATRONS CHATTERING]
[ARLO] And now Van Damme has been sent off.
- We're playing like Italians. - I know.
It's awesome.
[PLAYERS CLAMORING, GRUNTING]
Oh, dear.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS] - [GROANS]
[PLAYERS SHOUTING]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[ARLO] It's getting a touch spicy out there.
[CHRIS] Spicy, Arlo? This is vintage vindaloo.
[GRUNTS]
No.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[ARLO] Oh, Montlaur has lost his mind,
and Richmond have lost a third player.
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
Om.
[SHOUTING CONTINUES]
- Oof. - [WHISTLE BLOWS]
Fucking come on.
[ARLO] Richmond have completely lost the plot.
Zava must be wondering what he's done to deserve this.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
- Yes! - [CROWD CHEERS]
[ARLO] And it's 4-1 to the Hammers.
It went from evenly matched to unevenly matched
to light a match on fire and put it into a can of petrol.
[CHRIS] That second half should've come with a trigger warning.
[ARLO] One extraordinary goal by Zava did not make it any less tough to watch.
Richmond showed a side of themselves we've never seen before.
They played angry, dirty and ugly.
[CHRIS] Which are also the names of Zava's three youngest kids.
Shit.
- [HIGGINS] Hey, it's okay. - [REBECCA] Shit.
Did you guys have fun?
[STAMMERS] Yeah.
The violence was quite entertaining, wasn't it? [CHUCKLES] In a way.
[KEELEY CHUCKLES]
[GROANS]
Sending off Van Damme was a mistake.
He played with passion.
"Passion" is a word we use when we talk about love.
It is also a word we use to describe a crime.
Sometimes it is also a fruit.
Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry.
[RUPERT CHUCKLES]
[DOOR CLICKS SHUT]
[SIGHS]
- We fucked up. - We overcorrected and played with hate.
Mmm.
- Be great if you yelled at us a bit. - Please.
- Call us pieces of shit or something. - Now.
You can hit us.
Get it over with.
Tried something new. It didn't work. Big whoop.
I will take that thumb drive one of y'all's got.
- [COACH BEARD SIGHS] - [TED GRUNTS]
Shake it off, fellas. Lot of football left this season.
- What a fucking arsehole. - I know.
[REPORTER] You have to feel pretty good about yourself
after that win, yeah?
Well, yeah. Uh, Richmond were clearly rattled.
Um, it was easier than I expected, if I'm honest. [CHUCKLES]
[REPORTER] What about Ted?
Quite a snub not to shake his hand at the end of the game.
Did I not? [STAMMERS] I... I didn't mean to.
I... Guess I just got caught up in the excitement of it all.
Yeah. [INHALES DEEPLY]
Excuse me a minute. I just...
Coach Shelley, Mr. Mannion asked me to give you this.
He'll meet you there in an hour.
Oh. Thank...
- It's so good to see you, Rebecca. - You too, Bex.
Oh, Rebecca, my dear.
- So sorry for your loss. - Thank you.
Come on, old man. It's way past your bedtime.
[REBECCA CHUCKLES]
Lovely to see you. [KISSES]
I saw you with your assistant.
Your daughter deserves better, and so does Bex.
Stop fucking around.
- Here you go. [CHUCKLES] - [CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS] We are normally a lot better than that. And nicer.
Well, it's never great when your team
gets more red cards than goals, is it?
- No. [CHUCKLES] - [JACK CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS] What a shit show. [CHUCKLES]
Anyway, good news. Bantr's trending.
- It is? - Yeah.
Pretty sure the change to the bio line helped.
What are you talking about?
Who did this?
I did. This afternoon, when I uploaded the vids.
[CLICKS TONGUE] You're welcome.
- Shandy. - Yeah.
This... This is the opposite of what Bantr is trying to do.
Are you joking? They're gonna love it.
I've literally tripled their subscribers in an hour.
[JACK INHALES DEEPLY, SIGHS]
You need to change this back, now. Please.
Yeah.
It was really lovely to meet you.
- You too. - Excuse me.
- [RUPERT] Hey. Here he is! - [PATRONS CHEERING, APPLAUDING]
[RUPERT] The Wonder Kid himself.
The man of the hour!
Aw. [STAMMERS] Thank you very much, Mr. Mannion.
[GRUNTS] Please, no. "Rupert."
- Oh. - Nathan.
Oh. Thanks, Ms. Kakes. That's...
And, uh, Nathan, allow me to introduce Anastasia.
Huge fan.
Oh, my God. You're famous.
[CHUCKLES] So are you.
[CHUCKLES]
Congratulations to your victory.
Oh, yeah. Thank you.
Mmm.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[KNOCKING]
Come on, Tartt! One more before dinner!
[BREATHES HEAVILY] Let's go, Coach. [PANTS]
[GARY] That was hard to watch.
Thierry, West Ham's domination today
saw Ted Lasso being totally exposed
by his former assistant Nate Shelley.
[THIERRY] Gary, I love this quote from a Chinese philosopher, Laozi,
"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
When the student is truly ready, the teacher will disappear."
The Greyhounds...
[GLASS THUDS ON TABLE]
[COMPUTER LINE RINGING]
[EXHALES DEEPLY, CLEARS THROAT]
- [MICHELLE] Hi, Ted. - Hey.
Sorry about the match.
No, no. That's all right. It was a tough one. [CHUCKLES]
Henry's not here right now. He's at a birthday party,
- but I'll... - No, that's okay.
I w... I was actually hoping just to chat with you.
You... You... You got a minute?
Sure. Is everything okay?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh... Well, uh... No.
You know, I... I just, um...
I wanted to say something real quick. Um...
[STAMMERS] Look, I, uh...
I know that you and I aren't, you know, together anymore.
A-And... And I respect that.
Okay? I... I do. Um...
But, um... Well, uh, you know,
this whole thing with you and Dr. Jacob really ticks me off.
And I'm upset that we didn't ever really get to talk about it
before it all started.
Yeah.
A-And l-look, I understand that m-me saying all this,
uh, might be the wrong thing to do, but...
I just feel like not saying it...
i-i-isn't the, um...
Well, wouldn't be the right thing either.
'Cause we gotta raise this little boy together, you know?
We're stuck with each other. We're gonna share grandkids.
[CHUCKLES]
I love you, Michelle.
And I love Henry.
And I love our family.
No matter what it looks like.
Okay?
Of course.
Well, uh, I'll talk to y'all soon.
Have a good night. Tell... Tell Henry I love him.
Good night, Ted.
[SIGHS]
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -