1 00:00:03,062 --> 00:00:04,169 -Hi. -KAT: Hi! 2 00:00:04,321 --> 00:00:05,838 Um, can I get two blueberry muffins, 3 00:00:05,989 --> 00:00:07,247 one banana, one chocolate chip? 4 00:00:07,399 --> 00:00:11,068 Actually, our regular baker Phil is on vacation, 5 00:00:11,161 --> 00:00:13,012 so we don't have our usual variety. 6 00:00:13,180 --> 00:00:17,165 We do, however, have our usual variety of smiles. 7 00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:19,000 There's a Starbucks on the corner. 8 00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:22,079 You can order on your phone and talk to no one. 9 00:00:22,097 --> 00:00:24,523 Uh, what kinds of muffins do you have? 10 00:00:25,842 --> 00:00:27,509 Uh... brown? 11 00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:30,437 All right, I'll take four brown muffins. 12 00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:31,179 Oh, great! 13 00:00:31,273 --> 00:00:33,014 Regular or extra crispy? 14 00:00:33,092 --> 00:00:35,850 Trick question, because we only have one kind 15 00:00:35,870 --> 00:00:37,594 and it's not the one you want. 16 00:00:37,613 --> 00:00:40,622 You can literally see the Starbucks from here. 17 00:00:41,691 --> 00:00:42,708 Thanks a lot, Mother. 18 00:00:42,785 --> 00:00:43,709 Here. 19 00:00:43,786 --> 00:00:45,026 Don't break a tooth. 20 00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:47,621 Oh, look! Phil just sent me some pictures 21 00:00:47,773 --> 00:00:50,274 -of him and Jalen in Tahiti! -Oh! -Ooh! 22 00:00:50,367 --> 00:00:52,200 Look how happy they are. 23 00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:53,701 Lying on the beach, 24 00:00:53,796 --> 00:00:55,370 tropical drinks in their hands. 25 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:59,707 Well, at least we still have January in Kentucky. 26 00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:03,120 WOMAN: You go ahead and write me that ticket! 27 00:01:03,138 --> 00:01:04,712 I'm-a file it in the trash, 28 00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:08,734 right next to my jury summons and my tax bill! 29 00:01:11,054 --> 00:01:13,072 Hey. What y'all doin'? 30 00:01:13,299 --> 00:01:15,890 Uh, hi. Uh, I'm just living my... 31 00:01:15,984 --> 00:01:17,467 Oh, shut your smile hole. 32 00:01:17,486 --> 00:01:20,579 Now, I'm gonna need an apron, directions to the kitchen 33 00:01:20,806 --> 00:01:22,322 and, after my coffee kicks in, 34 00:01:22,474 --> 00:01:24,899 I'm gonna need about ten minutes in the bathroom 35 00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:26,734 by myself. 36 00:01:26,829 --> 00:01:27,920 Um, uh, uh, 37 00:01:28,071 --> 00:01:29,588 wh-who exactly are you? 38 00:01:29,665 --> 00:01:30,905 Lurlene Crumpler. 39 00:01:30,999 --> 00:01:32,240 Phil's mama! 40 00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:33,834 Wow! 41 00:01:34,002 --> 00:01:35,986 It is so nice to meet you! 42 00:01:36,079 --> 00:01:39,080 But, um, I'm confused-- why do you need an apron? 43 00:01:39,174 --> 00:01:40,841 My Phil is on vacation. 44 00:01:40,935 --> 00:01:44,511 It's Crumpler custom to do his work for him while he's gone. 45 00:01:44,663 --> 00:01:46,421 I do it for all my kin. 46 00:01:46,590 --> 00:01:50,025 Shoot, that's how I learnt to dance on a pole. 47 00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:52,945 ♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪ 48 00:01:53,172 --> 00:01:55,948 ♪ Nothin' wrong with you but I'd rather be me. ♪ 49 00:01:56,175 --> 00:01:57,616 All right, y'all! 50 00:01:57,767 --> 00:01:58,892 Here we go! 51 00:01:58,953 --> 00:02:00,677 Who's ready for a muffin? 52 00:02:00,770 --> 00:02:03,029 I've got butter, buttercream, 53 00:02:03,124 --> 00:02:04,681 butter-free and possum. 54 00:02:04,774 --> 00:02:06,350 (chuckles): I'm just kidding. 55 00:02:06,368 --> 00:02:07,942 There ain't no butter-free. 56 00:02:07,962 --> 00:02:09,128 -MAX: Uh... -(chuckles) 57 00:02:09,355 --> 00:02:10,354 (inhales) 58 00:02:10,447 --> 00:02:12,614 Wow, these smell amazing, Mrs. Crumpler, 59 00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:16,193 but I'm kind of on a gluten reset right now. 60 00:02:17,045 --> 00:02:18,637 -Yeah, I'll take a buttercream. -(Kat chuckles) 61 00:02:18,788 --> 00:02:21,122 -You're damn right you will, string bean. -Mm. 62 00:02:21,142 --> 00:02:23,958 None of you look like you've eaten since July. 63 00:02:24,052 --> 00:02:25,886 Except for this sturdy one. 64 00:02:25,980 --> 00:02:27,220 When the world goes to hell, 65 00:02:27,373 --> 00:02:30,149 we keep you around to pull the plow. 66 00:02:30,300 --> 00:02:31,600 Oh, my gosh. 67 00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:34,135 These are amazing. Our customers are gonna love these. 68 00:02:34,229 --> 00:02:35,988 No kidding. These are better than sex. 69 00:02:36,139 --> 00:02:38,240 And look who I have sex with. 70 00:02:39,309 --> 00:02:41,326 -What's your secret? -Uh-uh. 71 00:02:41,478 --> 00:02:44,554 My Phil always says, "Never ask a Crumpler for a recipe, 72 00:02:44,573 --> 00:02:48,058 their address or what side of the war they fought on." 73 00:02:48,227 --> 00:02:50,727 We might be eating Confederate muffins. 74 00:02:50,896 --> 00:02:54,247 I don't give a damn. If you don't want yours, I'll take it. 75 00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:55,232 (cat meows) 76 00:02:55,325 --> 00:02:57,083 What is with all these cats? 77 00:02:57,236 --> 00:02:58,493 -Do y'all have a rat problem? -(chuckles) 78 00:02:58,587 --> 00:03:01,238 You know, it's a good thing I brought my indoor gun. 79 00:03:01,256 --> 00:03:03,757 Oh, no, Mrs. Crumpler, uh, no guns. 80 00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:05,184 We're a rescue café. 81 00:03:05,335 --> 00:03:07,077 The cats are here because we love them. 82 00:03:07,095 --> 00:03:08,503 Actually... 83 00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:09,429 Eh. 84 00:03:09,581 --> 00:03:11,005 Shoot 'em, Lurlene. 85 00:03:11,099 --> 00:03:13,934 You know, y'all can call me "Mama," 86 00:03:14,086 --> 00:03:16,753 just like my little Philliam does. 87 00:03:16,772 --> 00:03:17,587 Philliam? 88 00:03:17,606 --> 00:03:18,864 Well, that's his given name. 89 00:03:19,091 --> 00:03:20,607 It was supposed to be William, 90 00:03:20,743 --> 00:03:22,034 but his daddy was pretty drunk 91 00:03:22,261 --> 00:03:24,018 when he filled out the birth certificate. 92 00:03:24,038 --> 00:03:25,853 Been there. 93 00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,431 So, Abercrombie and Fitch, 94 00:03:27,449 --> 00:03:30,100 I'm gonna need some help on my farm while I'm gone. 95 00:03:30,193 --> 00:03:31,435 Y'all know anything about animals? 96 00:03:31,528 --> 00:03:33,861 I know about animals 'cause I run a bar, 97 00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:34,862 so... (laughs) 98 00:03:35,031 --> 00:03:37,090 I'm kinda the funny one here. 99 00:03:38,219 --> 00:03:40,219 -(chickens clucking) -(horse neighs in distance) 100 00:03:40,446 --> 00:03:42,779 All right, so we have, uh, 101 00:03:42,948 --> 00:03:45,282 Barbra and... Liza. 102 00:03:45,342 --> 00:03:48,227 -I'm guessing Phil named them. -Mm-hmm. 103 00:03:48,378 --> 00:03:51,396 So, Mama says we need to feed 'em and milk 'em. 104 00:03:51,548 --> 00:03:54,215 All right. I'll feed 'em, you milk 'em. 105 00:03:54,309 --> 00:03:55,792 So, what do you think they eat? 106 00:03:55,811 --> 00:03:58,886 According to the Chick-fil-A signs, they like chicken. 107 00:03:58,964 --> 00:03:59,980 (chuckles) 108 00:04:00,132 --> 00:04:01,406 Howdy, Liza. 109 00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:04,225 I'm going to need your verbal consent 110 00:04:04,319 --> 00:04:06,136 before I milk your teats. 111 00:04:06,305 --> 00:04:07,895 (Liza moos) 112 00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:09,581 All right, let's party. 113 00:04:09,733 --> 00:04:11,583 Okay, seriously, 114 00:04:11,810 --> 00:04:12,492 what do cows eat? 115 00:04:12,644 --> 00:04:13,493 -Hay. -What? 116 00:04:13,645 --> 00:04:14,494 That's what they eat. 117 00:04:14,646 --> 00:04:15,812 -What? -Hay. 118 00:04:15,831 --> 00:04:17,071 Fine. If you don't want to tell me, 119 00:04:17,165 --> 00:04:19,216 I'm-a just feed 'em this grass. 120 00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:23,578 Now, I assume this one's chocolate, this one's vanilla 121 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:25,246 and this one's strawberry. 122 00:04:25,266 --> 00:04:28,008 Ooh, I hope the last one is swirl. 123 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:29,009 Check it out! 124 00:04:29,085 --> 00:04:30,827 Got milk? 125 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:33,021 (laughs) 126 00:04:34,924 --> 00:04:35,999 Hold on. 127 00:04:36,018 --> 00:04:37,943 Is there something wrong with your mouth? 128 00:04:38,170 --> 00:04:39,836 There must be, 129 00:04:39,855 --> 00:04:41,780 because I know there's nothing wrong with this muffin. 130 00:04:41,931 --> 00:04:43,356 Oh, it's good. I'm just full. 131 00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:45,525 This muffin was made with a mama's love. 132 00:04:45,677 --> 00:04:49,179 You either eat it or I'm-a shove it into your stomach myself. 133 00:04:49,197 --> 00:04:51,272 And I can go from top or bottom-- 134 00:04:51,366 --> 00:04:52,499 your choice. 135 00:04:53,610 --> 00:04:55,585 I would choose top. 136 00:04:59,191 --> 00:05:00,281 Hey, what are you doing? 137 00:05:00,375 --> 00:05:02,876 You have been sitting here for two hours 138 00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:05,028 with one damn cup of coffee. 139 00:05:05,047 --> 00:05:06,471 You take your porn elsewhere. 140 00:05:06,698 --> 00:05:08,031 This isn't the library. 141 00:05:08,050 --> 00:05:09,308 Go on! Get! 142 00:05:09,493 --> 00:05:10,867 I'm very sorry. 143 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:12,311 Uh, Mama, 144 00:05:12,462 --> 00:05:14,554 we try really hard not to yell at our customers, 145 00:05:14,706 --> 00:05:17,541 especially like the good Reverend Johnson here. 146 00:05:17,634 --> 00:05:18,800 You have a blessed day. 147 00:05:19,711 --> 00:05:23,213 I am 79 years old, and I got a damn plate in my head. 148 00:05:23,306 --> 00:05:24,823 I can yell whenever I want. 149 00:05:24,974 --> 00:05:26,399 Well, I think that's what we're trying... 150 00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:29,069 Whenever I want! 151 00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:32,998 Okay. I've never seen Throw Momma from the Train, 152 00:05:33,149 --> 00:05:34,816 but it does give me an idea. 153 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:37,318 Look, we just need to get through the next half hour. 154 00:05:37,412 --> 00:05:40,339 Then she'll go back to the farm and we'll close the shop, 155 00:05:40,490 --> 00:05:42,174 burn it to the ground, collect the insurance money, 156 00:05:42,325 --> 00:05:43,567 buy a van, get a big dog 157 00:05:43,660 --> 00:05:45,418 and drive around town solving mysteries. 158 00:05:45,571 --> 00:05:47,420 Ruh-roh, Randi. 159 00:05:48,215 --> 00:05:49,348 Yeah, because that's so much better 160 00:05:49,575 --> 00:05:51,165 than telling her not to come back tomorrow. 161 00:05:51,259 --> 00:05:53,243 Well, what's your plan, Black Velma? 162 00:05:53,261 --> 00:05:54,519 No, I like your plan. 163 00:05:54,671 --> 00:05:56,605 Girl, I have matches on me. 164 00:05:57,599 --> 00:05:58,506 Oh, yes. 165 00:05:58,525 --> 00:05:59,674 Oh, uh, 166 00:05:59,768 --> 00:06:01,918 Mama, you don't need to take the trash out. 167 00:06:02,011 --> 00:06:03,103 This isn't trash. 168 00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:05,680 This is my luggage. 169 00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:07,014 L-Luggage? 170 00:06:07,109 --> 00:06:08,182 For what? 171 00:06:08,276 --> 00:06:10,610 I'm here for the duration, sweetie. 172 00:06:10,762 --> 00:06:13,038 -These go up to your place, right? -(Randi laughs) 173 00:06:13,265 --> 00:06:14,431 Sure do, Mama! 174 00:06:14,449 --> 00:06:16,524 Uh, uh, hang on. You're-you're staying with me? 175 00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:20,270 I guess I-I just assumed you, like, drove your house here. 176 00:06:20,288 --> 00:06:23,123 I am your fellow hunker-downer. 177 00:06:23,199 --> 00:06:24,716 Now, I don't mind sharing a bed, 178 00:06:24,868 --> 00:06:28,128 but I do sleep naked and my alarm goes off at first light. 179 00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:30,222 -(rooster crows) -Whoa! -Oh. 180 00:06:30,373 --> 00:06:33,258 Settle down, Rufus. We're city folk now. 181 00:06:33,410 --> 00:06:35,519 ♪ ♪ 182 00:06:39,958 --> 00:06:41,691 (keys jangling, turning in lock) 183 00:06:45,497 --> 00:06:46,146 Kat? 184 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:47,814 What are you doing down here? 185 00:06:47,966 --> 00:06:48,890 (Rufus crowing) 186 00:06:48,984 --> 00:06:50,467 What the heck? 187 00:06:51,227 --> 00:06:53,245 (chuckles): Oh. Oh, you think that's funny, huh? 188 00:06:53,321 --> 00:06:55,305 Well, we'll see who's laughing when you're on my plate 189 00:06:55,307 --> 00:06:57,532 with mashed potatoes and a biscuit! 190 00:06:58,735 --> 00:07:02,570 I couldn't sleep. Between Rufus crowing at 4:00 a.m. and... 191 00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:06,416 trying to ignore Mama's spicy dream about Ronald Reagan. 192 00:07:07,486 --> 00:07:09,911 Well, if it isn't the morning meeting 193 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,930 of the Dim and Lazy Club. 194 00:07:12,081 --> 00:07:14,582 No wonder my Phil needed a vacation-- 195 00:07:14,676 --> 00:07:16,826 he was doing all the work around here. 196 00:07:16,845 --> 00:07:17,978 Are you kidding? 197 00:07:18,129 --> 00:07:19,271 Phil takes so many naps, 198 00:07:19,498 --> 00:07:21,273 we thought this place had a gas leak. 199 00:07:21,424 --> 00:07:23,257 Are you calling my Phil a liar? 200 00:07:23,426 --> 00:07:26,111 Because the last person that did that is missing an ear. 201 00:07:26,262 --> 00:07:27,946 That was from the war and is totally unrelated, 202 00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:30,282 but we don't talk to him no more. 203 00:07:31,434 --> 00:07:33,434 Okay, can we take a moment to appreciate 204 00:07:33,454 --> 00:07:35,937 that Phil's mama is actually twice as crazy 205 00:07:36,031 --> 00:07:37,363 as Phil made her out to be? 206 00:07:37,516 --> 00:07:38,348 I know. 207 00:07:38,366 --> 00:07:40,200 I guess he was protecting her. 208 00:07:40,352 --> 00:07:43,203 Like a little pit bull in a sequined jacket. 209 00:07:43,355 --> 00:07:45,279 MAMA: Dagnabbit! 210 00:07:45,299 --> 00:07:48,708 Which one of you morons bought salted butter?! 211 00:07:48,860 --> 00:07:50,026 That was Randi! 212 00:07:50,028 --> 00:07:51,695 Also, she hates Ronald Reagan! 213 00:07:51,788 --> 00:07:52,804 Wha... 214 00:07:52,956 --> 00:07:54,139 Okay, this is ridiculous. 215 00:07:54,366 --> 00:07:55,699 One of us needs to go in there 216 00:07:55,717 --> 00:07:57,050 and tell her that we don't want her here. 217 00:07:57,202 --> 00:07:58,810 Yes. You're absolutely right. 218 00:07:59,037 --> 00:08:01,371 I'm gonna go upstairs, I'm gonna get dressed 219 00:08:01,464 --> 00:08:03,373 and then I'm gonna come down here like a badass 220 00:08:03,391 --> 00:08:05,466 and fire an elderly volunteer. 221 00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:07,468 You're about to go hide in your bed, aren't you? 222 00:08:07,488 --> 00:08:10,380 Yes, because badasses need naps, too! 223 00:08:10,398 --> 00:08:11,806 (crowing) 224 00:08:11,900 --> 00:08:13,325 Shut up, Rufus! 225 00:08:14,328 --> 00:08:16,386 -(chickens clucking) -(horse neighs) 226 00:08:16,404 --> 00:08:18,404 Holy cow! 227 00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:21,291 Sorry if that's offensive to you, ladies. 228 00:08:22,318 --> 00:08:25,003 Carter, check this out. 229 00:08:26,565 --> 00:08:27,172 Oh, damn. 230 00:08:27,323 --> 00:08:29,341 Is that Phil? He's jacked! 231 00:08:29,568 --> 00:08:32,902 Looks like Freddie Mercury and Super Mario had a baby. 232 00:08:32,921 --> 00:08:35,088 (chuckles) Hey, I'm as straight as they come, 233 00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:36,906 but if this dude bought me a drink, 234 00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:38,165 -I don't know. -(chuckles) 235 00:08:38,334 --> 00:08:41,002 I mean, he's four-foot-11 and all badass. 236 00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:42,336 Well, I mean, think about it. 237 00:08:42,430 --> 00:08:44,130 Growing up gay, around here, 238 00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:45,765 -he'd have to be. -Yeah. 239 00:08:45,917 --> 00:08:48,918 This one time, this guy was picking on him in the bar. 240 00:08:48,937 --> 00:08:50,344 Phil threw rosé in his face, 241 00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:51,530 punched him right in the belly button 242 00:08:51,757 --> 00:08:53,089 and called him his Pillsbury Dough Bitch. 243 00:08:53,108 --> 00:08:54,866 (laughs) I remember that! 244 00:08:55,093 --> 00:08:57,035 Yeah! And then he stood over him and he said, 245 00:08:57,262 --> 00:08:58,762 "You mess with the bull, 246 00:08:58,780 --> 00:09:00,413 "you get me horny. 247 00:09:00,599 --> 00:09:02,949 -No, wait, that ain't it." -(laughing) 248 00:09:03,101 --> 00:09:04,434 (mooing) 249 00:09:04,452 --> 00:09:06,878 Settle down, Babs. Same old story-- 250 00:09:07,030 --> 00:09:10,031 the ladies are buying what Carter is selling. 251 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,049 (mooing) 252 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:12,942 What's going on, Babs? 253 00:09:13,628 --> 00:09:15,369 -Wow, you didn't eat very much. -Who can blame her? 254 00:09:15,463 --> 00:09:17,038 Why would anybody want to eat that... 255 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:18,114 -Oh, God! -What? 256 00:09:18,133 --> 00:09:19,616 -What? -Th-Th-Th... 257 00:09:19,618 --> 00:09:22,285 There's something coming out of this cow! 258 00:09:22,378 --> 00:09:23,303 Oh! Aah! 259 00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:24,712 -I think she's giving birth! -(scoffs) 260 00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:27,457 Are you sure?! 'Cause if this is some alien BS, 261 00:09:27,459 --> 00:09:30,235 I'm getting ready to get the hell up out of here! 262 00:09:33,056 --> 00:09:35,240 Oh, Lurlene, this is delicious. 263 00:09:35,467 --> 00:09:38,243 I don't even have to put any booze in it. 264 00:09:38,394 --> 00:09:41,496 I mean, I'm going to, of course, but... 265 00:09:42,324 --> 00:09:44,065 It tastes like cake batter. 266 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,141 What's in it? 267 00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:46,585 Cake batter. 268 00:09:46,736 --> 00:09:49,479 I used to fix that for Phil to help him grow. 269 00:09:49,614 --> 00:09:53,483 Didn't make him any taller, but it sure made him love me more. 270 00:09:53,501 --> 00:09:55,093 (chuckles) Mother wanted me to grow, too, 271 00:09:55,244 --> 00:09:56,243 but instead of cake batter, 272 00:09:56,338 --> 00:09:58,822 she used pointed criticism. 273 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:01,007 Hey, hey, hey. You don't ever sass your mama. 274 00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,101 Sheila, you want a hittin' spoon? 275 00:10:03,328 --> 00:10:05,103 I like these metal ones. Them wooden ones 276 00:10:05,254 --> 00:10:06,938 -can snap on you. -SHEILA: Oh. 277 00:10:07,165 --> 00:10:09,165 No, thank you, Lurlene. I... 278 00:10:09,184 --> 00:10:12,185 Well, let me feel the weight on it. 279 00:10:12,337 --> 00:10:13,945 Um... 280 00:10:14,097 --> 00:10:15,188 Uh, Kat, 281 00:10:15,340 --> 00:10:17,023 there's a situation in the kitchen. 282 00:10:17,175 --> 00:10:18,232 -What's going on? -Uh, well, 283 00:10:18,343 --> 00:10:20,844 it seems a squirrel is taking a nap. 284 00:10:20,937 --> 00:10:21,936 In a pan. 285 00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:23,363 In the oven. 286 00:10:23,457 --> 00:10:25,957 And I'm not gonna lie-- it smells pretty good. 287 00:10:26,109 --> 00:10:28,109 Okay, that's it. Uh, Lurlene, 288 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:30,186 Randi and I have to talk to you about something. 289 00:10:30,279 --> 00:10:31,855 Well, quit your lollygagging. 290 00:10:31,948 --> 00:10:34,299 I got to get back in the kitchen and do me a butter stomp. 291 00:10:34,526 --> 00:10:36,784 Reminds me of Phil. I just love him the best 292 00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:41,222 when that butter is squishing up between them little piggies. 293 00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:43,716 Okay. Um... 294 00:10:43,869 --> 00:10:47,461 Mama, we appreciate everything you have done... 295 00:10:47,555 --> 00:10:51,090 I'm sorry, are you saying you step on the butter? 296 00:10:51,242 --> 00:10:52,392 Oh, honey, I told you 297 00:10:52,544 --> 00:10:55,545 there's a little bit of me in everything I make. 298 00:10:55,563 --> 00:10:56,303 (chuckles weakly) 299 00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:57,822 I thought you meant love, 300 00:10:57,974 --> 00:10:59,549 not DNA. 301 00:10:59,642 --> 00:11:00,383 Uh, listen, 302 00:11:00,402 --> 00:11:02,994 maybe tonight, after work, 303 00:11:03,146 --> 00:11:04,311 you should go home 304 00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:06,072 and, um... 305 00:11:06,224 --> 00:11:06,998 stay there. 306 00:11:07,225 --> 00:11:08,833 (chuckles): No. 307 00:11:09,060 --> 00:11:10,576 No? 308 00:11:10,729 --> 00:11:12,045 No. 309 00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:13,821 O-Okay. 310 00:11:13,915 --> 00:11:15,322 All right. Good talk. 311 00:11:15,417 --> 00:11:16,582 I'll see you tonight, roomie! 312 00:11:16,735 --> 00:11:18,084 This time I'm the big spoon! 313 00:11:18,236 --> 00:11:19,761 (laughs) It's... 314 00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:22,997 -That was sad. -(sighs) 315 00:11:23,166 --> 00:11:24,574 You want me to get rid of her? 316 00:11:24,667 --> 00:11:25,925 I thought you liked her. 317 00:11:26,077 --> 00:11:27,243 I do. 318 00:11:27,336 --> 00:11:30,188 I just genuinely enjoy firing people. 319 00:11:30,339 --> 00:11:32,357 Why do you think we went through so many nannies? 320 00:11:32,434 --> 00:11:34,584 You said they quit to get away from me. 321 00:11:34,602 --> 00:11:37,570 Oh. (laughs) I did say that, didn't I? 322 00:11:38,773 --> 00:11:40,532 Watch and learn. 323 00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,926 Okay, Randi, come on. 324 00:11:42,944 --> 00:11:44,185 Randi. 325 00:11:44,279 --> 00:11:46,854 Mm-mm. There is a crazy old white woman in there 326 00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,114 cooking an animal from the park. 327 00:11:48,266 --> 00:11:50,250 Y'all go ahead. 328 00:11:53,714 --> 00:11:56,272 Damn, Sheila, you are good. 329 00:11:56,365 --> 00:11:58,717 I just got off the phone with Phil. 330 00:11:58,868 --> 00:12:01,386 He and Jalen are staying in Tahiti. 331 00:12:01,463 --> 00:12:02,703 What? 332 00:12:02,797 --> 00:12:06,966 They're gonna open a bakery and get boy-married. 333 00:12:07,135 --> 00:12:09,543 Wait, I-I-I can't believe this. 334 00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:11,545 Phil's not coming back? 335 00:12:11,565 --> 00:12:13,690 No. 336 00:12:16,811 --> 00:12:18,903 Also, you're fired. 337 00:12:19,130 --> 00:12:20,221 Mother! 338 00:12:20,298 --> 00:12:22,741 Sorry. I thought it would cheer me up. 339 00:12:31,993 --> 00:12:34,477 So I guess Phil and Jalen, 340 00:12:34,570 --> 00:12:37,480 they found a bakery for sale down there in Tahiti and... 341 00:12:37,573 --> 00:12:39,907 they got to talking about how nice it would be 342 00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:41,259 to stay there forever. 343 00:12:41,486 --> 00:12:45,579 Why can't they just go to Miami like regular gays? 344 00:12:46,341 --> 00:12:48,007 I just can't imagine Phil getting married 345 00:12:48,176 --> 00:12:49,601 and us not being there. 346 00:12:49,752 --> 00:12:53,420 I mean, one of us might want to sing "Islands in the Stream." 347 00:12:53,515 --> 00:12:56,924 I do both parts. It's a real showstopper. 348 00:12:56,943 --> 00:13:00,094 I just can't believe he's not coming back. 349 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,338 Damn it, he borrowed my suitcase. 350 00:13:02,431 --> 00:13:04,765 Well, I guess the most important thing is 351 00:13:04,859 --> 00:13:07,343 -that Phil's happy and he's in love. -Mm-hmm. 352 00:13:07,362 --> 00:13:10,346 All any mother wants is for her child to be happy. 353 00:13:10,515 --> 00:13:14,775 I mean, for Phil, it was moving to Tahiti with Jalen. 354 00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:16,686 For Katharine, it's... 355 00:13:16,704 --> 00:13:20,523 what, finding a surprise Fig Newton in your pocket? 356 00:13:20,542 --> 00:13:24,302 It wasn't a surprise. I'd been saving it. 357 00:13:25,121 --> 00:13:26,304 Phil saw the whole thing. 358 00:13:26,531 --> 00:13:28,881 "It's a treat you can fit in your pocket, 359 00:13:29,050 --> 00:13:31,351 just like me." 360 00:13:32,295 --> 00:13:34,062 I'm really gonna miss him. 361 00:13:35,557 --> 00:13:36,648 Me, too. 362 00:13:37,709 --> 00:13:41,319 I want y'all to know how happy this place made him. 363 00:13:41,470 --> 00:13:44,397 You all accepted him with no judgment. 364 00:13:44,566 --> 00:13:46,566 Shoot, he talks about y'all so much, 365 00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:48,885 I feel like you're family. 366 00:13:48,903 --> 00:13:51,162 We feel like you're family, too. 367 00:13:51,981 --> 00:13:54,057 It's like Phil always says-- 368 00:13:54,150 --> 00:13:56,559 family ain't who you're born to. 369 00:13:56,578 --> 00:13:58,744 ALL: It's who'll lie to the cops for you. 370 00:13:58,897 --> 00:14:00,171 (Randi chuckles) 371 00:14:00,323 --> 00:14:02,340 ♪ ♪ 372 00:14:03,234 --> 00:14:05,234 Well, do you know of any other vet in the area 373 00:14:05,253 --> 00:14:06,493 who can get here today? 374 00:14:07,330 --> 00:14:08,754 Okay, well, do you know if Instacart 375 00:14:08,849 --> 00:14:10,265 can deliver a cow baby?! 376 00:14:11,334 --> 00:14:13,409 -All right. Thanks. -(loud mooing) 377 00:14:13,428 --> 00:14:15,928 Oh, man, she does not sound happy. 378 00:14:16,022 --> 00:14:17,914 Though I guess if I was pooping out a small cow, 379 00:14:18,007 --> 00:14:19,506 I'd be pretty cranky, too. 380 00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:22,861 All right. The doctor said if it's not coming out on its own, 381 00:14:23,012 --> 00:14:24,178 one of us got to go up in there. 382 00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:26,013 What do you mean, go up in there? 383 00:14:26,107 --> 00:14:26,939 You know. 384 00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:28,274 Go up in there. 385 00:14:28,426 --> 00:14:29,701 Oh, yeah. 386 00:14:29,928 --> 00:14:31,110 He said you should do it. 387 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,445 Why me?! 388 00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:35,264 'Cause he said on the phone my arms sounded short. 389 00:14:35,358 --> 00:14:36,782 -(mooing) -You know what, screw it. 390 00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:41,028 All right. You grab on to the legs and pull and I'm gonna... 391 00:14:41,047 --> 00:14:42,547 go up in there. 392 00:14:42,698 --> 00:14:44,273 -Okay. -All right. 393 00:14:44,442 --> 00:14:45,866 Okay. 394 00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:48,444 -(groans) Oh. -Oh. Oh, God. 395 00:14:48,537 --> 00:14:50,113 What do you feel? 396 00:14:50,131 --> 00:14:52,206 Mm, mostly regret. 397 00:14:53,134 --> 00:14:55,451 Oh, wait, no, I think I felt it move. 398 00:14:55,470 --> 00:14:57,044 Whatever you're doing, just do it again. 399 00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:58,821 (grunts) That's what she said. 400 00:14:58,823 --> 00:15:00,306 (laughs) Good one, dude. (chuckles) 401 00:15:00,383 --> 00:15:01,457 Keep pulling. 402 00:15:01,476 --> 00:15:03,401 -We almost got it. -(grunting) Really? 403 00:15:03,628 --> 00:15:05,219 "We"? 'Cause, last time I checked, 404 00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,630 I'm the only one wearing a cow like a wristwatch. 405 00:15:07,799 --> 00:15:09,407 (grunting) 406 00:15:09,634 --> 00:15:11,242 -Keep going! We're... -(strained): Oh, my God. 407 00:15:11,394 --> 00:15:13,077 -Aah! Oh! Oh! -(laughing): Oh! Oh! 408 00:15:13,229 --> 00:15:15,638 -Oh! (laughing) Oh! -(laughing) Oh! 409 00:15:15,731 --> 00:15:16,897 Oh! (laughs) We did it! 410 00:15:16,991 --> 00:15:18,082 (chuckles) We're parents! 411 00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:19,976 -(laughs) -Look at him! 412 00:15:19,978 --> 00:15:21,920 -Oh, he's beautiful! -(chuckling) 413 00:15:22,071 --> 00:15:23,496 -Oh. Oh, come here... -(grunts) 414 00:15:23,648 --> 00:15:25,815 -Oh! Oh! He can walk! -Oh! Oh! 415 00:15:25,833 --> 00:15:29,243 -(laughs) Hey, quick, we didn't get video of his first steps. -(chuckles) 416 00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:30,911 Get your camera. I'll knock him down. 417 00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:32,155 (laughs) 418 00:15:32,173 --> 00:15:33,747 What should we name him? 419 00:15:33,841 --> 00:15:36,083 Maybe we should combine our names. 420 00:15:36,177 --> 00:15:38,102 -Car-Max. -(chuckles) 421 00:15:38,254 --> 00:15:39,420 No, no, look at him. 422 00:15:39,555 --> 00:15:42,106 He's small, fuzzy, and getting kind of fresh. 423 00:15:42,333 --> 00:15:43,942 -He's Lil' Phil. -(chuckles) 424 00:15:44,169 --> 00:15:45,109 Or Big Phil. 425 00:15:45,336 --> 00:15:47,278 Oh. No, that's just his umbilical cord. 426 00:15:47,430 --> 00:15:48,529 (chuckles) 427 00:15:55,029 --> 00:15:56,120 I'm glad we went to the wedding, 428 00:15:56,272 --> 00:15:58,514 but 17 hours on a plane was brutal. 429 00:15:58,533 --> 00:16:00,516 At least you weren't sitting next to a crying baby 430 00:16:00,535 --> 00:16:01,775 the whole time. 431 00:16:01,869 --> 00:16:03,035 I couldn't help it. 432 00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:04,854 It was such a beautiful wedding. 433 00:16:04,947 --> 00:16:07,298 I just love love. 434 00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:09,208 All right, everyone. 435 00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,377 Wedding slideshow is done. 436 00:16:11,529 --> 00:16:12,595 Gather round. 437 00:16:16,367 --> 00:16:18,792 KAT (on recording): Phil, Jalen, 438 00:16:18,961 --> 00:16:19,960 looking at you, 439 00:16:20,054 --> 00:16:21,204 I see two hearts, 440 00:16:21,297 --> 00:16:23,630 two souls, two... 441 00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:25,725 islands in the stream. 442 00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:28,611 -And audio muted. -(Randi chuckles) 443 00:16:29,472 --> 00:16:30,713 Look at my Phil. 444 00:16:30,732 --> 00:16:33,049 Yeah, he and Jalen just look so happy. 445 00:16:33,067 --> 00:16:34,659 Aw, it's their first dance. 446 00:16:34,810 --> 00:16:35,976 Yeah, I was really surprised 447 00:16:35,996 --> 00:16:37,644 when they did that lift from Dirty Dancing. 448 00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:40,373 -I had the time of my life. -(chuckles) 449 00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:44,485 Aw, Tahiti's so beautiful. 450 00:16:44,562 --> 00:16:46,912 I can understand why they don't want to come home. 451 00:16:47,065 --> 00:16:48,414 Yeah, me, too. 452 00:16:48,566 --> 00:16:50,174 -Damn, I'm really gonna miss him. -(Sheila sighs) 453 00:16:50,401 --> 00:16:52,176 Like every time I sit in a chair 454 00:16:52,403 --> 00:16:54,328 and his hand isn't "accidentally" there. 455 00:16:54,422 --> 00:16:56,014 (chuckles) 456 00:16:57,333 --> 00:16:59,575 This place won't be the same without him. 457 00:16:59,668 --> 00:17:03,563 Kentucky won't be the same without him. 458 00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:08,067 Nothing's gonna be the same without him. 459 00:17:38,541 --> 00:17:40,783 What we've done here 460 00:17:40,876 --> 00:17:43,603 is we've given Phil a happy ending. 461 00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:47,306 What we're really doing 462 00:17:47,458 --> 00:17:49,642 is mourning the loss of our dear friend, 463 00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:51,444 Leslie Jordan. 464 00:17:52,388 --> 00:17:54,980 He is irreplaceable. 465 00:17:55,133 --> 00:17:57,325 We will miss him very much. 466 00:17:58,653 --> 00:17:59,893 Love. 467 00:17:59,913 --> 00:18:01,895 Light. 468 00:18:01,915 --> 00:18:04,082 ALL: Leslie. 469 00:18:11,833 --> 00:18:14,074 ♪ Dear friend, there'll be ♪ 470 00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:17,320 ♪ No sad farewell ♪ 471 00:18:17,413 --> 00:18:22,082 ♪ There'll be no tear-dimmed eyes ♪ 472 00:18:22,102 --> 00:18:24,602 ♪ Where all is peace ♪ 473 00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:27,438 ♪ And joy and love ♪ 474 00:18:27,665 --> 00:18:32,777 ♪ And the soul of man never dies. ♪ 475 00:18:32,887 --> 00:18:34,112 Now, that's some lines 476 00:18:34,263 --> 00:18:36,614 from the song that you and I did together. 477 00:18:36,841 --> 00:18:38,432 I know usually, at a memorial, 478 00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,676 people talk about somebody. 479 00:18:40,695 --> 00:18:42,361 Well, I'm gonna talk to you. 480 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:44,697 'Cause there is that place on the other side, 481 00:18:44,849 --> 00:18:47,959 and I'm certainly gonna see you there, little brother. 482 00:18:48,186 --> 00:18:50,202 You left a lot of people here 483 00:18:50,355 --> 00:18:52,463 with a lot of precious, precious memories. 484 00:18:52,540 --> 00:18:53,947 Everybody loved you. 485 00:18:54,041 --> 00:18:57,117 But I doubt that many of 'em loved you more than I did. 486 00:18:57,211 --> 00:18:59,137 Anyhow, I just want you to know 487 00:18:59,364 --> 00:19:01,046 that we all love you, 488 00:19:01,199 --> 00:19:02,456 we all miss you 489 00:19:02,625 --> 00:19:04,383 and I bet you're having a big laugh 490 00:19:04,535 --> 00:19:07,052 over all of us being sad and sorrowful 491 00:19:07,147 --> 00:19:09,905 and I know that would be the last thing 492 00:19:09,907 --> 00:19:11,131 you would want us to be. 493 00:19:11,300 --> 00:19:14,393 So, anyway, you made us happy while you were here, 494 00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:16,545 and we're happy that you're at peace. 495 00:19:16,564 --> 00:19:18,547 And I just want you to know that... 496 00:19:18,641 --> 00:19:22,809 ♪ I will always love you. ♪ 497 00:19:22,904 --> 00:19:24,662 Goodbye, my sweet Leslie. 498 00:19:24,813 --> 00:19:27,406 -See you over there. -("Where the Soul Never Dies" playing) 499 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,500 (Dolly vocalizing) 500 00:19:29,652 --> 00:19:32,486 LESLIE JORDAN: ♪ To Canaan's land ♪ 501 00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:35,006 ♪ I'm on my way ♪ 502 00:19:35,233 --> 00:19:37,566 ♪ Where the soul of man ♪ 503 00:19:37,585 --> 00:19:39,919 ♪ Never dies ♪ 504 00:19:40,071 --> 00:19:42,663 ♪ My darkest night ♪ 505 00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:45,241 ♪ Will turn to day ♪ 506 00:19:45,259 --> 00:19:47,927 ♪ Where the soul ♪ 507 00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:49,745 ♪ It never dies ♪ 508 00:19:49,764 --> 00:19:55,175 DOLLY and LESLIE: ♪ No sad farewells ♪ 509 00:19:55,195 --> 00:20:00,198 ♪ No tear-dimmed eyes ♪ 510 00:20:00,425 --> 00:20:05,428 ♪ Where all is love ♪ 511 00:20:05,521 --> 00:20:09,615 ♪ And the soul never dies ♪ 512 00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:11,525 LESLIE: It never does. 513 00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:14,861 ♪ Dear friends, there'll be no sad farewell ♪ 514 00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:18,774 -♪ There'll be no tear-dimmed eyes ♪ -♪ There will be ♪ 515 00:20:18,867 --> 00:20:20,292 ♪ No tear-dimmed eyes ♪ 516 00:20:20,445 --> 00:20:23,203 ♪ Where all is peace ♪ 517 00:20:23,297 --> 00:20:25,614 ♪ And joy and love ♪ 518 00:20:25,633 --> 00:20:30,895 ♪ And the soul of man never dies ♪ 519 00:20:31,046 --> 00:20:33,189 ♪ ♪ 520 00:20:34,141 --> 00:20:35,900 LESLIE: Y'all sing with us. 521 00:20:36,051 --> 00:20:38,461 -♪ No sad ♪ -♪ There will be ♪ 522 00:20:38,479 --> 00:20:40,738 -♪ Farewells ♪ -♪ No sad farewell ♪ 523 00:20:40,965 --> 00:20:45,484 -♪ No tear-dimmed eyes ♪ -♪ There will be no tear-dimmed eyes ♪ 524 00:20:45,636 --> 00:20:48,246 -♪ Where all ♪ -♪ All is peace ♪ 525 00:20:48,397 --> 00:20:50,414 -♪ Is love! ♪ -♪ And joy and love ♪ 526 00:20:50,641 --> 00:20:55,144 ♪ And the soul of man never dies ♪ 527 00:20:55,237 --> 00:20:58,981 ♪ And the soul of man ♪ 528 00:20:59,074 --> 00:21:00,741 ♪ Never dies ♪ 529 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:06,097 ♪ Never dies. ♪ 530 00:21:09,827 --> 00:21:11,978 ♪ ♪ 531 00:21:41,450 --> 00:21:42,949 Captioning sponsored by WARNER BROS. TELEVISION 532 00:21:42,969 --> 00:21:45,761 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org