[breathing heavily]
-That was all right, wasn't it? -Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yes.
[both laugh]
-I think it's better now, isn't it? -I agree. Yeah.
Well, pressure's off, innit? There's no cycles, ovulation windows.
I feel like I'm a professional tennis player...
-Mm. -...who's retired.
And now that I'm playing for fun,
I've sort of, like, fallen back in love with the game.
It's nice not to use protection as well, innit?
-Mm-hmm. -You know, you just gotta,
you know, plug and play.
I think it's just nature evening things up.
Blind people get great hearing, infertile people get great sex!
Hello.
Right.
Jason!
[panting]
What?
It's from the adoption people.
-Is it? -Yeah.
-Don't you want to open it? -No, no. I know what it says.
It says we don't give children
to people who admit they drink too much, smoke and have no money.
Okay. All right.
It's fine, it's fine. Just tell me.
-Jason. -It says-- It says...
...nothing. It's just more forms, by the looks of it.
-What? -Yeah.
-They didn't reject us? -No.
-We're still in with a chance? -It looks like it, yeah.
-How? -I don't know.
Maybe they're so desperate for people, they'll take anyone.
Oh, that's so great.
-[Jason laughs] -Mm!
Look, I think this is gonna be a pretty long, drawn-out process.
So maybe we should just, you know, pace ourselves, take it easy.
-Do you know what I mean? -Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Absolutely, absolutely. -Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I'm gonna go get a pen. I'm so excited.
[chattering]
-[Alisha] Jason. -Yeah.
-We need to talk. -Why, is something wrong?
You got problems, dude.
You "have" problems, dude. Have problems.
Hi.
Do we have to have the talk again?
Alisha, I've got to vary the lessons. They're getting bored.
How many times?
You cannot teach English through Rihanna songs and football chants.
This is a business, not Dead Poets Society.
I know, but it--
Look, I have half the budget and half the time I need
to do this job properly.
And I'm too exhausted to argue. Just work the textbook.
Yeah, but the textbooks are old. They need new ones.
Well, we can't afford them.
I mean, the maps have still got Yugoslavia on 'em.
Okay, let me explain something to you: Britain is done.
It is done.
It is old, and it is dying, and no one is coming here.
And when people don't come, neither does their money.
Alisha, we promise these kids a lot. We're not meeting their expectations.
They're from Eastern Europe. They don't have any expectations.
I saw two of them in the toilets taking a selfie with a Dyson Airblade.
No, you didn't.
Just get them out and into jobs
so they can send money back to their haggard families.
Yeah, I know you wanna be at the birth,
but it's just a very busy time for us and we just don't have the cars.
Right. Yeah, no.
I know you're frustrated. I do. I understand that.
But this really isn't our fault.
You know, maybe your sister shouldn't have got pregnant
exactly nine months before a bank holiday.
Do you know what I mean?
Is Ruby about? Just need her to proofread some contracts.
Oh, I could do that if you want.
Oh. Okay, yeah.
Uh...
No, it's okay. I'll, uh--
-Yeah. No. Thanks, though. -Oh. Oh.
[chuckles]
[Jen] Uh-huh. Well, I literally don't know how to help you.
Yeah. Have you thought about getting the bus?
Right, and exactly how far is Cornwall from Scotland?
Oh, yeah, that is far.
[dog barking]
Let's see what we've got then.
-Crisps? -Yeah.
-And 7UP? -Lovely.
It's a support group, not a sleepover.
-Oh, my God, barbecue? -Well, we love barbecue.
They're French.
Did you get them from the guy at the market
that we said we weren't gonna go to anymore?
-He's all right. -Jase.
He sold me some tartar sauce that was best before 2002.
-[laughs] -Barbecue.
They're not-- They're not sophisticated.
-Why didn't you get the posh flavors? -What's the posh flavors?
Right. It goes:
sea salt and cracked black pepper, salt and balsamic vinegar,
lightly salted, cheese and onion, prawn cocktail,
and then chicken at the bottom, and then barbecue.
Jase, you've got a stain.
Oh. Yeah, I know.
I wetted it and then it was damp,
so I couldn't see if it was still there or not.
Hang on...
[scoffs]
-Made it worse. -Yeah, I know.
-Don't worry about it. -[chattering]
Hello.
We didn't bring a rug.
-All right, mate? -Mm.
-Hiya. -Hello, hi. Marcus.
-I'm Nikki. -Hello, Nikki.
Hello, Marcus. Jason.
-Jason, nice to meet you. -Yeah, nice to meet you.
-Brought some things for the... -Oh, thank you. Um...
Yeah, you know, should we pop this under the table
-outta the sun for now? -Yeah, okay.
There we go. Thank you.
-Is this all up for grabs, Marcus? Yeah? -You help yourself.
-Yeah, yeah. -Thank you.
Lovely.
-Cracking spread. -Mm.
So, uh, are all these people adopting?
Trying to.
The borough's pretty oversubscribed.
-God. -Bloody hell.
Excuse me, I'm just gonna...
-Okay. -[Jason] Fair, mate.
Never really thought about there being competition.
Don't worry. We got game.
Jason, really.
Out of all these people here,
why would they give a kid to a bloke who just licked his own top?
There's a razor-thin line between the T-shirts you wear to bed
and the ones you wear during the day.
Step it up.
Well, I suppose we're all just waiting
to see the long-term effects of the regional adoption agencies.
Yeah.
The Adoption Support Fund's been given 12 million,
-which is, you know, a drop in the ocean. -It's amazing.
Right, yeah. Of course.
So, what is it that you both do?
I'm an educational consultant.
Oh! Cool.
-And... -Journalist, political.
Financial advisor.
My wife's an artist, ceramics.
Cardiologist.
Solicitor.
A filmmaker. Wildlife documentaries.
Oh, I work for the council.
Oh. Okay.
Yeah, I'm the strategic lead for business development and commercial partnerships.
[Denise] Have you done much prep reading?
[Claudette] Um, have you read The Connected Parent?
-[Jason] No. -It's great on bonding.
-Is it? -[Nikki] No.
[Denise] Five Stages of Infant Attachment?
I think we said we wanted to wait for the film on that one, didn't we?
[both laugh]
We've been told they like you to have experience with kids,
so we've been volunteering.
Yeah, and luckily my work gives me a lot of exposure.
Yeah, um, what is it that you do exactly?
Educational consultant?
I work with adults with learning and behavioral difficulties.
No way. So do I.
-Really? -Yeah.
My boss. [cackles]
Your boss has behavioral difficulties?
No.
-Sorry, I don't understand. -It was a joke.
-I was just-- -Ah!
'Cause she's a pain in the ass. No, she's all there.
All right.
So, uh, so what do you do?
Me? I teach English as a foreign language.
Oh! I did that for a summer when I was 18. Yeah.
[clears throat] Yeah. Lot of fun. Lot of fun.
Oh, God.
We're competing against the cream here, Jase.
Yeah. Maybe we should just move to a shittier borough, hey?
Yeah, maybe.
I mean, that Ben man talked to me about American politics for 30 minutes.
-Oh, God. -I couldn't talk about any politics
for 30 minutes.
Well, not unless I talked really, really slowly.
-Hang on. Magic. -[ice cubes clatter]
[chattering]
So, this group's a little like prison.
You're not supposed to ask why people are here, but...
Well, we had some fertility issues.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
-Cheesecake's out. -Oh.
-Hello. -This is Luke. Luke, this is Jason.
-Jason. How are you, mate? -Yeah, nice to meet you.
-IVF? -Oh, yeah.
-We tried it, but it's complicated. -Mm.
Juice not worth the squeeze, Luke, if you know what I mean.
My window wasn't as big as other people's.
-No. -I should have been sluttier in my 20s.
-Well, you gave it a good go. -Yeah, I did.
So, why are you adopting?
-Uh, we both have penises. -Oh.
-That makes sense, yeah. -And where are you at with it all?
-We're going for our second. -Wow.
-Really? -Yeah.
-Uh, this is Jade, our first. -Stop it.
-Gorge. -Absolutely beautiful.
-She's so beautiful. -Actually, really beautiful, man.
-I hate you so much. -Yeah, we've been really lucky.
Passed panel first time. Got the child of our dreams.
Getting on really well with the biological parents.
That is so good to hear.
Honestly, it's amazing. You're gonna love it.
Oh, God. I mean, can we adopt you? Like, is that--
Well, I only wanna give you a hug.
-Is he available? -I'm gonna do it. I'm giving a hug.
Here, Jase. Can you hold my drink? Come here.
This is good.
-All right. Careful, he's not on fire. -Mm. [laughs]
All right, should we go? Just--
[Nikki mumbling]
-Handshake. All right, then. -Come here.
This is nice.
Thanks, guys.
Mm.
-I see you met, uh, Luke and Kwame. -Yeah, so nice, so positive.
Yeah. But then, I would be too.
I think it's a bit easier when you're, you know, black.
Yeah, this area has a lot of minority kids,
and, uh, they like to, you know, "match."
Yeah. Well, I mean, that makes sense, doesn't it?
Good to go?
Have you got worms?
They're just a couple of racists.
The sort of people who think immigrants get all the council houses.
-No, they didn't look racist. -You can't tell anymore.
It's all white-collar now. It's been gentrified.
-We're at the bottom of the queue. -[baby fusses]
They all go to museums and art galleries. They have degrees.
-Degrees don't mean anything. -Mm.
Yeah, you can say that. You all have one.
Yeah, but theirs are from Portsmouth.
-It's a good uni. -It's a conference center with a motto.
-It's top 15 in sports science. -[sighs]
He's literally got a degree in burpees.
-[baby crying] -This doesn't work when I do it.
Can you...
-Shh, shh, shh. -Doesn't mean anything.
Yeah.
You should read The Connected Parent though.
It's great on bonding.
Turn to page 22 in the textbooks. We're gonna look at, um, greetings.
Formal and informal greet-- Yes?
-The answers are already in here. -What?
Someone has written already the answers in the book.
-Really? -Yeah.
-Has everyone got that? -Yes.
I'm sorry. Um, all right. So let--
Everyone put their left hand over the answers
that have been written in their book.
What is "tosser"?
What? What's "tosser"?
Tosser.
Well, it's-- Let's have a look.
Wow, yeah.
This is quite offensive. Um...
We need new books. We pay our money for this.
I know.
Listen, though, do you know what? This is good.
Actually, this is good,
'cause if you're gonna work with English people,
then you're gonna need to know these words.
Um... Okay, right. No, this is-- this is good.
Toss-er. Um...
Any other words you've come across that you might not understand?
"Knobhead"?
Knobhead.
It's a silent K.
Knob as in "penis," head.
Lovely. Anything else?
"Wanker."
-"Wanker." -Wanker.
Wanker, exactly.
Wank-er. Wanker. There you go.
Hi.
[Jason stammers]
-So... -[phone ringing]
...it's basically a competition and the winner gets a kid?
Um, try not to think of it like that, Jen.
-Oh, so everyone gets a kid? -No.
So, how do they decide?
It's just based on how good a candidate you are.
Right. Does sound like a competition.
Sort of think it can't be that hard if Madonna did it.
No, I don't-- I don't think she went through the council.
She-- She sort of went direct.
-Ruby, have you got those contracts? -The ones you wanted proofread?
Fantastic. Thank you. Oh, you're great.
-Thank you. Cheers. -Anytime.
[sighs]
-Hey. -Oh. Hello.
-Want some? -I've just-- I'm trying to give up.
-Oh. -Yeah.
Good to you.
-[siren wailing in distance] -[chattering]
-Sorry to be complaining. -Oh, that's okay. I...
I need to speak better for work.
Oh. Do you have work?
-Yeah. -Mm.
In restaurant only.
What would you like to do? Where would you like to work?
-I'm a teacher. -Ah, no way.
Yeah. Was a teacher at home.
I just need to...
Speak better.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Right. Well, listen, you're not gonna get what you need here.
So, you should maybe think about some, um, private tuition.
Oh. [chuckles] I have no money.
Right. Which you can't get until you get a better job,
-which you can't get until you can, uh... -Speak better.
Right, yeah, yes.
Yeah.
Listen, if you want, I could give you some extra help.
-I have no money, remember? -Yeah, I know.
But I don't need money. So...
-What? Really? -Yeah, it's fine.
Thank you.
-It's okay. -Cool.
[chuckles]
[Erica] Don't worry too much about reading all of these.
It's 80% making sure you've got wet wipes.
And it'll be easier for you 'cause you can just drink all the way through it.
I mean, I sort of did too, but you're not supposed to.
And your body's not gonna change.
Oh, I really miss my tits. [chuckles]
I used to have spectacular tits.
I mean, I love my kids. I wouldn't swap my kids for my tits.
Okay, well, no. That's good.
But if I could just have my tits at, like, weekends
and then get the kids back on Monday, then I'd probably do that.
[Nikki chuckles]
[Nikki sighs]
I don't think it's supposed to feel like this.
[inhales deeply] It didn't with Lauren.
Hey.
-How are things with Freddy? -Oh!
Right, still no sex.
He says that he has been emotionally scarred by the birth.
-Wow. Right. -[chuckles] Mm.
Okay, well, that's quite an annoying thing to say.
Uh, because you were actually scarred by the birth.
-Yeah, he can be quite an annoying person. -Mm-hmm.
No, it's fine. It's just a difficult time.
It'll pass.
Oh!
-Oh, God. They are lovely. -Oh!
[Nikki chuckles]
[both laugh]
Let's go out. [clears throat] I'll buy you dinner.
Yeah? I mean, I think you sort of have to now.
I booked us tickets to a lecture.
-On purpose? -Yes, on purpose.
It's more of a talk on child psychology.
-Luke and Kwame go to them. -All right, yeah.
Jase, this is just something that we do now.
Okay.
Also, we should start watching the news.
-I already watch the news. -Oh, do ya?
Yes, I do. Sometimes it's nice to see someone else having a worse day than you.
What you doing?
-Lesson plan. -Mm.
-You got nice writing. -Why, thank you.
It's nice how your generation values good penmanship.
[siren wailing in distance]
Oi! Get off me.
Oi! Get-- J, get off me.
[murmuring]
[Jason] It's a queue. You bought us tickets to a queue.
[Nikki] Stop it.
Twenty pounds? For a book we're not even gonna read?
You have to buy the book. It's rude otherwise.
-How long is it? -It's about, I don't know, 400 pages.
-No, I mean the lecture. -It's one hour.
-Then another hour. -Mate.
-It's just 20 minutes after that. -[sputters]
What's it even about?
"Sub-- Subjectivity speak--" How am I gonna understand the lecture
if I can't understand the title of his book?
Twenty pound-- All right, mate.
Hiya.
Could you put, um, uh, "To Nikki and Jason.
Thank you for coming. Always keep learning.
And good luck with the adoption"?
[Jason] Sorry.
Oh, that was weird.
Shut up. I get nervous around clever people.
[zipper zips]
Mm.
-Got all the gear, haven't you? -Yeah.
-Three different color highlighters? -Yeah, 'cause we might need them.
-Got your compass in there? -No.
-Set square? -It's not that kind of lecture.
-Protractor? -Shut up.
Welcome, and thank you so much for coming.
Okay, so, uh, let's slay some dragons.
What I propose is a link
between Winnicott's transitional object and Lacan's objet petit a...
viewed in the context of the child's development of desire and subjectivity.
-And so, let Winnicott be our guide. -"Allcock."
On this, I can really recommend his whole oeuvre.
In fact, I would recommend everyone...
-What's an oeuvre? -Don't embarrass me.
...in this room to go right back to his clinical notes on child disorder...
So, we've understood self as subject, self as object
and the self with object.
Okay, I think we'll take a short break here.
Is everyone happy if I lose this from the screen?
Oh, no, no. Hang on. Hang on.
Great.
When we come back, we'll be moving on to self as other.
Ooh! There be monsters.
[all chuckle]
Is that it? All right, thank God for that. Come on, let's go.
No, I'm enjoying it. I'm learning a lot.
You don't understand this any more than I do.
Yes, I do.
Says the woman who had to pause Avengers: Infinity War every five minutes.
-Come on. -At least I'm trying.
[stammers] What's the matter?
-What's the matter? -You're not taking it seriously.
'Cause this isn't us.
We hate stuff like this. We make fun out of people who come to stuff like this.
Well, maybe I'm tired of being that person.
Oi!
Nikki.
-Nikki. Hey. What's going on? -No, I don't want to talk about it.
Okay.
I want to have something to say when I talk to these people.
-What people? -You know, the people.
The people, Jason. The people that are gonna be judging us
and taking notes on everything we say from now on.
You've met one bloke who's read a book on American politics and you flip out.
-Yeah, because I'm sick of feeling stupid! -Nikki, you are not--
Sorry, but I am. I'm sick of panicking in every conversation I have
just in case I use a word in the wrong way,
or in case someone asks me where I went to university.
-Come on. None of that stuff matters. -It matters to me!
These people, Jason, they always see through me,
and so will the social workers.
Well, you know what?
Screw 'em, hey? Screw 'em.
They're no better than us.
We're good people. We love each other. We got good jobs.
[sputters] Yeah, right.
There is a sign near my desk reminding me to say my name when I answer the phone.
We've got jobs that people get stuck in, not jobs people choose.
Look, I might not have a fancy title and earn lots of money,
but it's a good job, all right?
And I work hard. I work really hard. So, can we-- can we-- Look...
Can we just go home? 'Cause, actually, I'd love to just watch Avengers now.
No.
If you wanna go, go.
But I'm gonna take this seriously.
I am 33 and I want to take something in my life seriously.
And maybe if we'd taken ourselves seriously earlier,
we wouldn't both be stuck in jobs that pay nothing and are really hard.
Sorry.
[lecturer, indistinct]
-Excuse me. -Yeah, of course. Sorry, mate.
-Cheers. Thank you. -There you go. Enjoy your meal.
[slurping]
Do you know that Steve Jobs never went to university?
Nor did Oprah Winfrey.
Or, uh, Larry Ellison.
-Who's Larry Ellison? -No idea. But he never went to university.
Is this supposed to be an apology?
If you wanna go to more talks and stuff, then we can do that, all right?
-It's fine. It doesn't matter. -No, no, really. I was actually--
I was quite getting into it near the end. There were some pretty interesting points.
-Jason. -Yeah.
This isn't just about us anymore.
We need to convince other people that we're great.
I know, Nikki, but the people that we need to convince
aren't the social workers and the adoption panels or any of that.
It's the kids.
The kids are the ones that have gotta love us.
And you know who loves rubbish films
and eating burgers and hates learning stuff?
Kids.
We're gonna be their favorites. They're all gonna wanna come home with us.
We're gonna have to back the car up and just start piling 'em in.
You don't have to say all this.
Who are they gonna prefer? Hmm?
People that make them go to museums and art galleries, or people that do this?
[chuckles]
See?
-You got the mind of a child. -Hmm.
They're gonna love you.
And I love you.
I love you.
You're so ridiculous.
It's all right. They'll-- They'll oeuvre it up later.
-[Nikki laughs, snorts] -See. Look, she loves it.
Have I got something on my lip?
You're so daft.
What do you guys do?
Well, it's taken a lot. Started training and...
-This one's ready. -Okay.
And then the two salads and...
All right, gents. In the back!
Sofia.
[phone bings]