[funky instrumental music playing]
They didn't have any T-shirts or shorts?
The winter gear was half off, so shut up and put on these mittens.
[Regina groans]
I feel like I'm going to the University of Siberia.
No one else is hot?
[scoffs] No, gotta represent for your school, Ma.
Yeah, I'm proud of you Regina, baby. You passed your GMAT.
-You getting your MBA. -[chuckles]
Okay. We done, right? No more achieving and receiving.
Don't say the quiet part out loud, jackass.
We've been through a lot.
Who you telling?
Losing the good vibes, guys.
Besides, this is just a weekend tour, all right?
This might not even be the school for me.
It's the only one you got into.
Besides, I bought all this college shit. Somebody's going there.
Not me, I'm going to a real school.
A real different school. Still proud.
Here, Mommy. You can take my favorite lunch box to school.
I've outgrown it.
Aww, thank you, sweetie.
I'mma need it back, though.
Behave yourself.
All right. Here I go.
Off to college. [chuckles]
Life-changing moment. [chuckles]
Once I walk through this door… no turning back.
-I love y'all. -[all] Love you.
I'll see you Monday.
-[Maya] See you. -[Bernard] Bye!
-Bye! -See you, Ms. Regina.
I can't go to college.
We outta cheese. My babies need cheese.
Let Lucretia get it. She needs a purpose in life.
I'll go get the cheese. You go to college.
You go to hell.
Okay. Well, now that cheese is settled…
College!
Nope. Bread. What they gonna put the cheese on?
I'll get that too.
Okay. Well… Now that
my babies can make a sandwich…
[chuckling]
College!
Big step. [exhales]
[sighs]
-Bye. -Love you! Bye!
-Love you. -Bye. All right, see ya.
[Kelvin sighs]
I had a heart attack.
I can't be traipsing around some big-ass campus.
Regina, stop being nervous.
You're the best of us.
Yeah, you're Regina Upshaw. Make 'em put some respect on your name.
That's right. So, you go to that college and kick some ass.
We'll always be here for you.
Side kid, get the back door case she comes around.
Thank God she's gone. It's hot as hell.
-Okay, this is torturous. -Great!
Oh, man!
[vocalizing]
♪ Solid as a rock ♪
[vocalizing]
♪ Solid ♪
[funky instrumental music playing]
Larry, this shit is more duct tape than car.
It ain't good for anything but living in.
That's the plan. Just make it pushable for when the street sweepers come.
-They're mean. -Your life hurts my soul, Larry.
Okay, you didn't like the cake, the balloons or the elderly strippers.
That was my bad.
Y'all misunderstood they slogan. "Titties will hit the floor."
But I have one last thing to make you my friend again.
Man, you don't need nothing. We good.
Why? You sick?
No, life is good.
Well, all right then.
Besides, man, I'm tired of all the nastiness and name-calling.
Come here, you fat bastard.
[both laugh]
Finally! This is how it's supposed to be.
Let me take a picture for Duck. He been praying for this.
-[Tony] If you… Good. -[camera clicks]
-[Tony] All right. -[laughing]
Hallmark moment.
Glaze it on a plate.
Uh, how about showing some love to Larry?
Yeah, I'll fix your little homeless hooptie.
For free.
Look, you know, I was gonna bribe you with these casino comps,
but now that we're friends, we can share 'em.
Davis, I knew I missed you for a reason.
As soon as Tasha gets Kelvin, we gonna turn up.
Yeah!
Yeah, all right! That's what I'm talking about.
The hell you are. Y'all got work.
Explain to me why we couldn't walk in earlier?
'Cause if you just walk in, Frank, you don't catch them doing stupid shit.
Keep up.
Receipts. Now.
Kelvin's doing 'em.
Better than you. Maybe they'll finally make some sense.
[chuckles] That's what I was thinking.
So, you must be Lucretia's… hostage.
And you must be Bennie.
-Yeah, that's me. -I'm surprised we're just meeting.
You caused a lot of trouble for me back in the day.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
Whoo, full shop today.
[Tasha] Announce me!
Oh, Lord.
[Noah clears throat]
Ladies and gentlemen, the future Mrs. Noah Yang.
[Tasha squeals]
It's the Yang Gang, y'all. [laughs]
Kelvin!
Baby, tell them how happy we are.
We're very happy.
He got a way with words. [giggles shrilly] And jewelry.
[laughing]
Tasha, you ain't gotta wave your ring around like John Cena, okay?
We see it.
Ooh, you know what? You should stop.
This is my moment.
Our moment.
-Oh, baby, we one now, okay? We one. -Mm-hmm.
She is gonna suck the life out of you.
Oh, baby, if we want to keep up with your schedule,
we gotta hit up BIg Momma's house before her stories start.
Yes. So, we are doing a "people who never thought I'd be shit" tour!
[laughs shrilly] Kelvin!
-I'm here. Dang. -[Tasha sighs]
Can we hit the mall? I wanna get me a new fit.
Ooh, no time for that. [chuckles]
There's a lot of people who need to eat a lot of words.
Yeah.
This is y'all's thing. Why can't I just hang out with my dad?
Boy, stop.
I have a bouquet to figure out. We're going to the Flower Mart.
I don't care about no dumb flowers.
All you're gonna do is throw 'em to somebody.
Uh, I ain't throwing shit, okay? No, no, no.
I'm not gonna pay Flower Mart money to throw them to some needy-ass heifers.
Okay? So, let's go. Come on. Yang Gang out.
-I'll see you next week, then. -All right, son. I'll catch you.
Well, now that the freak show has pulled up stakes,
y'all get back to work.
Don't ever leave me alone here again.
[Tony blows raspberry]
-Well, guess the casino's out. -[Bennie scoffs]
The hell it is.
All I've done to keep the new Bennie out of trouble?
The old Bennie's gonna have fun and wile out.
-Let's do it, fellas. -[all] Yeah! [laughing]
Hold up, fellas. We should probably lock up.
Old Bennie ain't got no theft insurance.
[funky instrumental music playing]
Cross-eyed man telling a bow-legged lady to walk straight.
Ah!
-Hard eight it is. -[all cheer]
-Come on! -That's what I'm talking about!
You on a streak, B.
Yeah, that's 'cause God loves Old Bennie.
[all laughing]
-Why didn't you tell me you were here? -Didn't want your bad-luck ass by my dice.
Seven, craps.
-Aw. -Aw. I'mma kill you, Larry.
I don't know why the universe hates him, but keep his unfortunate ass over here.
Ooh, fresh table. Back on track.
You know you gonna have to split them fives. Regina?
Which way is the student center?
What you doing at the casino? You've been hanging around me too much.
[sighs] Relax. There's another tour next weekend. I'll go to that one.
Says you.
I said I will go next weekend. Or whenever. It doesn't matter.
The hell it don't. You're not gonna lie to your family for no reason.
Maybe I don't even want to go to grad school, okay?
We married. These are my chips.
Whoo! My machine hit.
Who's unfortunate now, mother--
[funky instrumental music playing]
-[Bernard grunting] -Hey, Bernard.
You're looking good.
I miss you too.
I'm sorry. What?
Never mind.
Those new shoes?
No.
[sighs] Okay, look.
That thing with my mom, it got me thinking.
Life is short,
and I don't wanna waste it worrying about what everybody thinks.
You were right. [sighs]
I wasn't comfortable with who I was.
I want us to try again. For real this time.
But I get it if you don't want to.
Well, damn, I guess that's what I get for using your guest passes.
Okay. I understand.
No, hey, hey, hey, wait. I am just processing, okay?
That whole thing with me saying you were extra… That was my shit, okay?
The fact is I like who you are.
I like the way you are.
I thought the biggest decision of my day was picking what flavor of Muscle Milk.
Strawberry, duh.
Right. [chuckles]
So, we boo'd up again?
I'll tell you what.
I have a side hustle at this club downtown.
I'll text you the deets.
We can grab a drink and talk after I'm done.
-Okay, great. -Great.
Hey, you're not seeing anyone?
No, I'm single.
Cool, I'm lonely too.
You mean "alone."
-What'd I say? -[clicks tongue]
This is gonna be nice. All of us at dinner together.
[chuckles]
Maya has her Switch, Aaliyah has her phone
and I have 20 feet of charging cable.
Ain't a outlet that I can't reach.
[Frank chuckles]
I thought we could try this gourmet burger spot I read about.
Oh, Frank, they're kids. Waste your money when it's just you and me.
Girls!
[door opens]
Don't even want to talk to me?
Because I don't want to fight.
What? Why aren't you at school?
That's what I want to know. I found her ass posted up at the casino.
You said he couldn't go.
Wait a minute, nigga. We don't need two Lucretias.
All right. And I don't need any of this.
What the hell is going on?
She says she ain't wanna go to college no more.
Oh, damn. I thought this might happen.
I'll handle it.
You need any help?
Frank, this is bigger than you now.
Bennie says you're off school.
Bennie needs to stop telling my business.
Obviously, you made the right call. There's good money in sweeping.
I'll sweep your ass outta here if you don't leave me alone.
The only reason you're not eating that broom
is because I feel guilty, and your floors are crunchy.
What you talking about?
You don't see all these damn crumbs? It's like Bread Beach in here.
No. Why are you guilty, hmm?
My not going to school has nothing to do with you.
Don't it, though?
Look, I know we never really cleared the air
after Althea's whatever the hell that was.
But I thought you knew that I'd be there to help you with school, no matter what.
But I guess you don't.
I know that.
Do you, though?
Yes, Cree.
Okay, but do you?
Yeah. Stop.
Look, when that letter came, I…
I should have been happy as hell, but I wasn't.
And for a while now, I…
Why am I explaining?
[loudly] Isn't it enough that I said I don't wanna go?
Uh… no.
A lot of people put a lot of time into this.
[broom clatters]
I did not ask them to.
-Oh, the hell you didn't. -[sighs]
Do you know how much of my life I lost to that damn GMAT?
Remember the lizard?
I slipped in water for that shit. I still don't have my peripheral vision.
Well, I am sorry that this has been so hard for you.
Where'd you go?
-So, did you fix it? -[door slams]
Does it sound fixed?
[funky instrumental music playing]
All right, Ms. Greene,
the pharmacy said that your refill will be ready in 30 minutes.
Boy, when they said herpes sticks with you for life…
[scoffs]
-…they weren't playing. -[Regina] Hmm.
If I'd came back one day later, I'd have never heard that.
[sighs] I hope she's being careful
'cause they ain't just playing bingo at the senior center.
Hey. Are you sure you're really good to be back?
Yes, yes, yes. I'm just ready to get back to normal. What?
[Lucretia groans]
What happened?
Something fell on her at the shop.
And you came here?
You must have passed three real hospitals on the way.
That definitely didn't hurt.
Uh, Dr. Webber, can you look at her now?
-Come on back. -Thank you. Let me help you.
Oh, no, no, baby, I… I got this. You go back to work.
-Let me handle this, okay? -All right.
Onward, mule.
Okay, you watch it now. I'll drop your ass right here.
[funky instrumental music playing]
[sighs]
Oh, look, that little hop clicked my leg back in place.
We've got a problem.
Regina's broken.
What? She seems fine to me.
Well, she's not, Doctor.
All she's talked about is going back to school,
and now suddenly she doesn't want to.
I think it's Lyme disease.
Well, I can't talk to you as a doctor, but as her friend?
Sounds like depression.
Man, get the hell out of here. My wife ain't depressed.
Look who she's married to.
Oh, Lord, she's depressed.
It's possible this is just a normal reaction to a traumatic event.
But if depression is what caused her heart attack,
then you could be looking at a bigger issue.
Again, as a friend.
So, what do we do?
There's nothing you can do except urge her to talk to someone.
[sighs] Now, if you excuse me, I have actual patients.
Okay, but don't forget, this talk happened during my exam.
So, if you tell Regina why we were really here, I'll HIPAA your ass.
Hey, man. If Regina asks, tell her we dewormed her.
He's crazy.
How's talking to a stranger gonna help my woman?
I know. [scoffs]
That's what I'm saying. [scoffs]
She needs to be with family now.
Yeah, if she's sad, we cheer her up.
Exactly. We just got to do some shit she likes.
-[Bennie] Hmm. -Why's everything she likes so boring?
I'll think of something. Nobody knows my woman better than me.
[Bennie scoffs]
Yo, Duck.
Can I talk to you about Regina?
[funky instrumental music playing]
Okay, baby. Let's get started. Let's get the seat.
You guys sure you want to play trivia? Y'all hate trivia.
Man, we hate your nerd trivia.
We don't care how tall Everest is and where he was born.
We're going to do some family stuff. Shit we know.
Uh, are we gonna play or what?
Okay, okay, but when I wear you out don't get mad.
-Come on. We got one heavy hitter. -[Bernard] Let's go.
-[Bennie] Yeah. -Let's do it.
Okay, guys, welcome to the first ever Upshaw Family Trivia Night.
[all whooping]
-Okay. -We're gonna smoke y'all.
Regina Raiders, you up first. Pick your category.
Okay.
Uh…
Girls, what do we want?
To be doing something else.
[scoffs] Okay, attitude. Pick your category for your team.
Okay, fine.
Uh, Stuff Kids Be Doing.
Okay, here we go. Right here.
"Name three animals the kids done snuck into this house."
Easy. I snuck a lizard, gerbil and a cat.
Wrong. Ain't no cat on the card.
Then I guess I'm putting milk in my closet for nothing.
[laughter, cheering]
All right, Auntie and Him, you up.
-[Lucretia] Hmm. -All right, we'll stick with Family Fails.
"How many times have our lights been cut off?"
Seven.
And I have the canceled checks to prove it.
[laughing]
It's only a few left on the board.
Thank God.
Regina's Raiders, your pick.
All right, we will take Moving on Up Shaw.
Moving on Up.
"What job will Mama get once she earns her MBA?"
Easy.
The queen of the hospital.
[laughter]
I don't actually know. I just needed to hear hospital.
Uh…
It's actually not a fair question since I'm not going.
What?
Yeah, guys. I've decided that, um, I'm not gonna go back to school after all.
But it's your dream, right?
[sighs]
I don't want to play anymore.
We forfeit.
I'm gonna go to bed.
Ma, uh… Come on. It's only 7:30.
Bernard, I think going back to work is really wearing me out.
[Bernard clicks tongue, sighs]
[sighs]
Damn it. We almost had her.
-What's happening? -[Bennie sighs]
You know, girls,
I think your parents have some talking to do.
All right, I'm out. [sighs]
Us too.
Come on, girls. Frank is taking us out to dinner.
I better call and let him know.
[funky instrumental music playing]
I just don't get it.
Me either.
That bird costume has human eyes.
I hope they're doing background checks here.
-I'm talking about Regina. -[Frank] Hmm?
She worked her ass off to get into that school.
Hell, she worked my ass off.
And now she's down on it? It just doesn't make sense.
Aunt Lucretia, may we have some more money for tokens?
They're done already?
I gave each of you $20.
It's not the county fair, Frank.
I told you that wouldn't be enough.
Okay.
All right, Ladies. Let's see what that gets you.
A hundred bucks?
-You are officially "Uncle Frank." -[chuckles]
No, no, Maya, you only do that with the money your daddy gives you.
Go play your games.
[chuckles]
[Frank whistles]
So, this is just another Saturday night for you?
I mean, basically.
Sometimes we switch it up. A movie, mini-golf.
We don't do that as much since Maya got stuck in the windmill.
And you like this?
Hell no.
But they do, so I do it.
Wow. All this time, you've been telling me about your life,
but I've never seen you actually living it.
We have fun. It's not a bad life.
But it's always gonna be here, hmm?
Yeah.
It is.
Hmm.
Different time, different choices.
We'll always have Fun Zone.
That might be the saddest part of this breakup.
I will miss us.
Me too.
You know, it's ironic.
[inhales sharply]
We broke up when Regina went to college. Now, we're breaking up when she won't go.
Not in the right mind for irony, Frank.
Not now, bird.
[Tony] My bad, Lucretia.
Tony?
Oh, damn.
We need to pay you a living wage.
-[Funky instrumental music playing] -[Tony squawks]
That dishwasher's pretty nice,
right?
Yes, Bennie, I love it. It makes me the happiest woman in the world.
Then why the hell don't you want to go to school?
[sighs]
I don't have the energy for this.
We both know it was something I did. Shouldn't we both know what it was?
You didn't do anything.
I'm getting really sick of everybody making my decisions about them.
Guess your boss was right.
It was the heart attack.
My boss?
You talked to Dr. Webber about me?
-Yeah. -What gives you the right?
Twenty-eight years of marriage, shit. What the…
Should've known you two were up to something.
Lucretia ain't paying out of pocket for no doctor.
[chuckling] Wait a minute. Be careful now, we just got that.
-Now, I'm trying to understand, but-- -[loudly] Then hear me.
[in normal voice] All I can tell you is I'm feeling what I'm feeling.
Have you tried not feeling that?
Don't do that.
I was just thinking. Maybe the… the heart attack messed you up.
You know, your… your emotions.
I wish it was the heart attack.
This has been happening for a while.
I have this… sadness.
It's random and it sucks.
So, you just been having this mystery sadness and ain't said shit.
I… I thought it would go away. Part of me keeps hoping that it will.
Get the hell out of here with that.
What happened to transparency?
And I'm out here trying to bust my ass to be a better man.
I know that.
For you.
-I know that too. I know. -Yeah.
Now you want to feel sad and not tell me how to fix it?
Nobody asked you to fix anything.
But it's my job to fix it!
Well, maybe everything isn't fucking about you!
I won a squirt gun.
Oh, yay.
Yeah, for only $120 in tokens.
[chuckles]
Thanks to Uncle Frank, I won $85.
Where is Frank?
-We broke up. -What?
Oh, shit. I'm sorry.
Hey, could you all excuse us?
Um, mm-mmm.
We're done.
Hey, Cree.
Let's go, huh? I'm buying. [laughs]
Nope, Aaliyah is.
[funky instrumental music playing]
-Hey, uh, where's Hector? -Who?
What do you mean, "Who?" He said he works here.
Do you want to order a drink before the show starts?
Show?
[dance music playing]
[men cheering]
[cheering intensifies]
Hector?
Hey, can I get some singles?
Hey, hey, hey, back up.
She's mine.
[instrumental music playing]
Ooh, the sweet smell of my baby's coffee.
Regina!
Finally.
You don't work hard enough to sleep that long.
What are you doing here? We sprayed for you.
Where is Regina? She didn't come to bed last night.
She's at my place.
Dr. Webber was right. There's something bigger going on with her.
So, what? When is she coming home?
I don't know.
What do you mean, you don't know?
I mean, I don't know.
-[sighs] -She's staying at my place for a while.
Apparently, she's gotta sort some stuff out.
In the meantime…
you got me.
What kind of Satan Wife Swap is this?
I want Regina.
Regina is not an option right now.
Well, you ain't living here.
Shit.
Oh, okay.
So, you think you can be dad all alone?
Aaliyah has a geometry final
and Maya just asked me where babies come from.
[knocking on door]
Thank God. Regina must have forgot her key.
Phew.
[clears throat]
Welcome home, baby. What the hell?
Nuh-uh and nuh-uh.
Tasha, what the hell?
You didn't answer my texts.
So?
Your son said he wants to live with you.
Hey, Pops.
Regina ain't never coming home now.
[theme music playing]