1
00:00:30,675 --> 00:00:33,069
[FAUCET CREAKS,
THEN WATER RUNNING]

2
00:00:45,342 --> 00:00:46,778
[FAUCET CREAKS,
THEN WATER STOPS]

3
00:00:46,952 --> 00:00:48,824
[WATER SPLASHING GENTLY]

4
00:01:11,498 --> 00:01:14,414
[♪♪♪]

5
00:01:32,084 --> 00:01:33,303
[BIKE BELL DINGS]

6
00:01:33,477 --> 00:01:35,784
BIKER:
Coming through! Excuse me!

7
00:01:50,015 --> 00:01:51,277
Left.

8
00:02:16,868 --> 00:02:19,175
Stop sign, left.

9
00:02:33,189 --> 00:02:35,495
[GULLS CAWING]

10
00:02:40,892 --> 00:02:46,115
One, two, three,

11
00:02:46,289 --> 00:02:50,380
four, five.

12
00:02:50,554 --> 00:02:52,774
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

13
00:03:00,738 --> 00:03:01,695
[DINGS]

14
00:03:01,870 --> 00:03:04,524
[INHALES, EXHALES DEEPLY]

15
00:03:04,698 --> 00:03:06,048
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

16
00:03:06,222 --> 00:03:07,136
[GASPS SOFTLY]

17
00:03:08,267 --> 00:03:09,747
Mr. Burnz?

18
00:03:09,921 --> 00:03:12,576
Are you Charlie Burnz?

19
00:03:12,750 --> 00:03:15,535
Charlie Burnz, I'm talking to you.

20
00:03:15,709 --> 00:03:17,407
Mr. Burnz, Charlie Burnz.

21
00:03:20,149 --> 00:03:22,064
[BREATHING HEAVILY]

22
00:03:31,116 --> 00:03:33,640
[♪♪♪]

23
00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:38,080
MARGE: Sweep up a little bit.

24
00:03:38,254 --> 00:03:40,560
Make sure all the props
are in the right spot.

25
00:03:40,734 --> 00:03:42,867
Hey, Marge?
Hey, Charlie.

26
00:03:43,041 --> 00:03:44,956
Where is everybody?

27
00:03:45,130 --> 00:03:48,699
Charlie, it's Monday.
They're at the writers' meeting.

28
00:03:48,873 --> 00:03:51,310
Oh, of course-- Wow.
[CHUCKLES]

29
00:03:51,484 --> 00:03:53,747
I had a long weekend.
Okay. All right.

30
00:03:53,922 --> 00:03:55,184
Take it easy.
See you later.

31
00:03:55,358 --> 00:03:58,143
Better hurry.
They're pitching new sketches!

32
00:03:58,317 --> 00:04:00,145
Yeah, we made sure
to take a lot of care

33
00:04:00,319 --> 00:04:02,147
not to offend anybody
with this next sketch,

34
00:04:02,321 --> 00:04:05,150
so please strap in
and, uh, you know, enjoy.

35
00:04:05,324 --> 00:04:07,196
Okay, so this is--
this is an infomercial

36
00:04:07,370 --> 00:04:08,850
for a brand-new comedy album.

37
00:04:09,024 --> 00:04:11,287
Uh, we start with shots
of planets and stars,

38
00:04:11,461 --> 00:04:13,202
just these beautiful shots of space.

39
00:04:13,376 --> 00:04:16,379
And then, we hear a VO,
and we see a chyron.

40
00:04:16,553 --> 00:04:19,295
In the tradition of George
Carlin and Richard Pryor,

41
00:04:19,469 --> 00:04:21,297
we bring you the next comedy voice.

42
00:04:21,471 --> 00:04:24,561
And we cut to a photograph
of Stephen Hawking.

43
00:04:24,735 --> 00:04:26,258
[ALL LAUGH]

44
00:04:26,432 --> 00:04:28,608
But we photoshopped him
in front of a brick wall.

45
00:04:28,782 --> 00:04:30,567
So he looks like he's at a comedy club.

46
00:04:30,741 --> 00:04:33,744
We have a microphone
where his computer is.

47
00:04:33,918 --> 00:04:36,834
[IN HALTING MONOTONE]
Is it just me, but what's the deal

48
00:04:37,008 --> 00:04:38,705
with black holes?

49
00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:42,840
Am I right? Ha. Ha. Ha.
[ALL LAUGHING]

50
00:04:43,014 --> 00:04:45,756
You people like impressions?

51
00:04:45,930 --> 00:04:48,237
[TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING]

52
00:04:53,329 --> 00:04:55,287
So how do you think the meeting went?

53
00:04:55,461 --> 00:04:56,680
[SIGHS]

54
00:04:56,854 --> 00:04:58,551
Some very funny ideas.

55
00:04:58,725 --> 00:05:01,511
But, Brad, somebody's got to talk to Roger

56
00:05:01,685 --> 00:05:02,947
about his inflections.

57
00:05:03,121 --> 00:05:05,080
I know, I know.
I think he gets nervous.

58
00:05:05,254 --> 00:05:06,342
No, come on.

59
00:05:06,516 --> 00:05:08,474
Geo-rge Carlin,
Rich-ard Pryor.

60
00:05:08,648 --> 00:05:10,607
My God, Stephen Hawking
pronounced his name

61
00:05:10,781 --> 00:05:12,652
better than he does.

62
00:05:12,826 --> 00:05:14,263
Here's one for the new segment.

63
00:05:14,437 --> 00:05:17,179
Or as Roger calls it,
the new "seg-ment."

64
00:05:17,353 --> 00:05:19,094
All right, I'll give this to the guys.

65
00:05:19,268 --> 00:05:21,618
By the way, there's a new
invention called computers.

66
00:05:21,792 --> 00:05:22,967
You may wanna get one.

67
00:05:23,141 --> 00:05:25,448
You know, I had one,
but I like this.

68
00:05:25,622 --> 00:05:27,972
We started out together.
I love the feel of the paper.

69
00:05:28,146 --> 00:05:30,105
I like the fact that the key leaves a mark

70
00:05:30,279 --> 00:05:31,889
that wasn't there a second ago.
Wow.

71
00:05:32,063 --> 00:05:34,674
But I did treat myself to one of these.

72
00:05:34,848 --> 00:05:37,242
Ooh, look at you.
You know how to work it?

73
00:05:37,416 --> 00:05:38,678
Absolutely, unless I wanna

74
00:05:38,852 --> 00:05:40,463
send an e-mail, a text
or make a phone call.

75
00:05:40,637 --> 00:05:42,334
Oh, that's not important.
Not at all.

76
00:05:42,508 --> 00:05:44,989
Wanna get something to eat?
Uh, I have a lunch date.

77
00:05:45,163 --> 00:05:46,730
Oh, look at you, Mr. Social.

78
00:05:46,904 --> 00:05:48,427
No, it's someone who won an auction

79
00:05:48,601 --> 00:05:50,125
to have lunch with me
at the charity event

80
00:05:50,299 --> 00:05:52,692
for inner-city libraries.
That sounds like a blast.

81
00:05:54,216 --> 00:05:57,088
[♪♪♪]

82
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:00,265
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

83
00:06:00,439 --> 00:06:03,138
EMMA: This restaurant nice.
Excuse me.

84
00:06:03,312 --> 00:06:04,878
Oh, no. Heh.

85
00:06:05,053 --> 00:06:06,750
Sorry. Bye.

86
00:06:06,924 --> 00:06:09,187
Maybe you, sir. Hello. Uh...

87
00:06:09,361 --> 00:06:13,278
Oh, Phil Donahue.
Nice to meet you.

88
00:06:13,452 --> 00:06:17,239
MAN: The hell was that about?
EMMA: Sir, uh, hi. Uh...

89
00:06:17,413 --> 00:06:20,459
Oh, no, sorry, sorry to bother you.
Wrong person.

90
00:06:20,633 --> 00:06:22,809
Excuse me. Bye-bye.

91
00:06:22,984 --> 00:06:25,943
Excuse me.
Are you, by any chance, looking for me?

92
00:06:26,117 --> 00:06:27,292
I'm Charlie Burnz.

93
00:06:27,466 --> 00:06:29,077
You gotta be shitting me.
What?

94
00:06:29,251 --> 00:06:30,165
This was you?

95
00:06:30,339 --> 00:06:32,123
Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

96
00:06:32,297 --> 00:06:34,038
You took some hits along the way, huh?

97
00:06:34,212 --> 00:06:36,780
Yeah, you might say that,
but that's a very old picture.

98
00:06:36,954 --> 00:06:38,782
That was actually taken on the Mayflower.

99
00:06:38,956 --> 00:06:40,958
I did win the shuffleboard tournament.

100
00:06:41,132 --> 00:06:43,352
Well, belated congratulations.

101
00:06:43,526 --> 00:06:45,745
I'm Emma Payge.
Emma, pleasure. Sit down.

102
00:06:45,919 --> 00:06:47,704
Sorry I'm late.
Don't worry about it.

103
00:06:47,878 --> 00:06:49,836
Not a problem.
Glad you're here.

104
00:06:50,011 --> 00:06:51,969
Thank you for bidding on me at the auction.

105
00:06:52,143 --> 00:06:53,927
I'm so flattered that somebody your age

106
00:06:54,102 --> 00:06:55,668
would be a fan of my work.

107
00:06:55,842 --> 00:06:57,583
Truth?
Sure.

108
00:06:57,757 --> 00:06:59,846
I don't know who the hell you are.

109
00:07:00,021 --> 00:07:01,718
My ex bid on you.

110
00:07:01,892 --> 00:07:04,199
You didn't?
Nope.

111
00:07:04,373 --> 00:07:06,462
How did this...?
Well, he's an actor,

112
00:07:06,636 --> 00:07:07,941
and he was doing a scene

113
00:07:08,116 --> 00:07:09,856
from one of your plays
in his acting class,

114
00:07:10,031 --> 00:07:12,033
and he wanted to meet you, so he bid.

115
00:07:12,207 --> 00:07:14,818
Um, how much?
Twenty-two.

116
00:07:14,992 --> 00:07:19,127
$2200? That's fantastic.
$2200, my ass!

117
00:07:19,301 --> 00:07:21,129
Twenty-two dollars.

118
00:07:21,303 --> 00:07:23,609
Twenty-two dollars was the winning bid?

119
00:07:23,783 --> 00:07:26,134
Mm-hm.
It started at 20,

120
00:07:26,308 --> 00:07:28,614
and then it went up
in 50-cent increments.

121
00:07:28,788 --> 00:07:30,921
Oh, that's so sad. Heh.

122
00:07:31,095 --> 00:07:33,750
Hello.
Welcome to Le Monde.

123
00:07:33,924 --> 00:07:35,969
I'll be your server.
What can I get for you?

124
00:07:36,144 --> 00:07:37,449
Have you eaten here before?
No.

125
00:07:37,623 --> 00:07:39,190
They have the greatest steak sandwich.

126
00:07:39,364 --> 00:07:41,366
That's all I get.
It's fantastic.

127
00:07:41,540 --> 00:07:44,674
That's perfect.
I'll have the seafood salad.

128
00:07:44,848 --> 00:07:48,243
Okay. And for you, sir?
Um, I'm gonna have the--

129
00:07:48,417 --> 00:07:51,420
Oh, can I have extra clams,
extra calamari

130
00:07:51,594 --> 00:07:53,509
and extra crab meat?

131
00:07:53,683 --> 00:07:56,207
Of course. And for you, sir?
I'm gonna have the--

132
00:07:56,381 --> 00:07:58,688
Oh, and can I have
a lobster tail right on top,

133
00:07:58,862 --> 00:08:01,386
with extra mussels?
Lots of mussels.

134
00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:03,388
The ones from New Zealand,
not from Jersey

135
00:08:03,562 --> 00:08:04,694
because they got black hairs.

136
00:08:04,868 --> 00:08:06,130
Who knows what's in those?

137
00:08:06,304 --> 00:08:08,219
That can be really toxic.
Are you done?

138
00:08:08,393 --> 00:08:10,743
There are a few species
you haven't mentioned yet.

139
00:08:10,917 --> 00:08:12,354
Heh-heh, go ahead.

140
00:08:12,528 --> 00:08:14,921
I'm gonna have the--
Oh, can I have a Diet Coke?

141
00:08:15,096 --> 00:08:18,186
Heh-heh-heh.
And for you, sir?

142
00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:20,623
I'm gonna have a tuna sandwich,
whole wheat toast,

143
00:08:20,797 --> 00:08:24,670
and an iced tea.
Very good.

144
00:08:24,844 --> 00:08:27,151
Why would you order a
tuna sandwich when you said

145
00:08:27,325 --> 00:08:28,892
they had the best steak sandwiches?

146
00:08:29,066 --> 00:08:31,460
While you were ordering half
of the Atlantic Ocean,

147
00:08:31,634 --> 00:08:34,506
I developed a hankering for
the only fish left on the menu.

148
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:37,161
Heh. Touché, old man. Touché.

149
00:08:37,335 --> 00:08:39,946
[CHUCKLES]
So let me ask you a question.

150
00:08:40,121 --> 00:08:42,906
If you don't know who I am,
how come your ex didn't come?

151
00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:44,734
I caught him cheating on me.
Oh!

152
00:08:44,908 --> 00:08:48,172
And he said it was because
I'm the worst lay in the world.

153
00:08:48,346 --> 00:08:51,349
And trust me, he is wrong, okay?

154
00:08:51,523 --> 00:08:55,440
You ought to see my moves.
It's "Circus do Lay."

155
00:08:55,614 --> 00:08:58,226
Okay. Well, let's, uh--
Let's get through lunch first.

156
00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:00,097
Mm-hm. I'd break your back, old man.

157
00:09:00,271 --> 00:09:03,056
Thank you.
Yeah, have you laid out, dead,

158
00:09:03,231 --> 00:09:04,884
with a smile on your face.
[CHUCKLES]

159
00:09:05,058 --> 00:09:08,888
And your kids will be like,
"How did he die? How did my dad die?"

160
00:09:09,062 --> 00:09:11,761
And I would just look at them
in their eyes and say, heh,

161
00:09:11,935 --> 00:09:13,980
on top of me.
[COUGHS]

162
00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:18,159
That's a really lovely thought.

163
00:09:18,333 --> 00:09:21,727
Heh-heh, you funny, old man.

164
00:09:21,901 --> 00:09:23,990
I'm glad I came, even if it was

165
00:09:24,165 --> 00:09:26,515
to shove you up my ex's big fat ass.

166
00:09:26,689 --> 00:09:30,301
Now, there's a compliment
you don't hear every day.

167
00:09:30,475 --> 00:09:32,216
CHARLIE:
Whoa, look what the tide brought in.

168
00:09:32,390 --> 00:09:34,262
Yeah.
Thank you very much.

169
00:09:34,436 --> 00:09:36,742
SERVER: Please enjoy.
Uh, Emma, enjoy your buffet.

170
00:09:36,916 --> 00:09:41,965
Mm-hm.
So... I take it you like comedy.

171
00:09:42,139 --> 00:09:43,009
Nope.

172
00:09:43,184 --> 00:09:44,489
You don't?
Mm-mm.

173
00:09:44,663 --> 00:09:47,188
I mean, I love to laugh, but in real life.

174
00:09:47,362 --> 00:09:48,928
You know what I'm saying?

175
00:09:49,102 --> 00:09:51,148
Well, you know,
that's what I do in real life.

176
00:09:51,322 --> 00:09:53,716
I'm a comedy writer.
You ever watch "This Just In"

177
00:09:53,890 --> 00:09:57,067
on Sunday nights on Funny?
Mm-mm.

178
00:09:57,241 --> 00:09:58,808
I also, uh, write for Broadway

179
00:09:58,982 --> 00:10:02,377
and, um, movies and five books and...

180
00:10:02,551 --> 00:10:04,466
And, um, what do you do?

181
00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:08,121
Char-- Charlie,
I don't feel so good.

182
00:10:08,296 --> 00:10:10,472
Why is your face suddenly
bigger than it was before?

183
00:10:10,646 --> 00:10:12,778
I can't feel--
I can't feel my lips.

184
00:10:12,952 --> 00:10:14,606
Oh, God, are you allergic to seafood?

185
00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:16,217
I'll say maybe I am.

186
00:10:16,391 --> 00:10:18,393
What should I do?
Call the hospital.

187
00:10:18,567 --> 00:10:20,699
What? What?
Call the hospital! Call--

188
00:10:20,873 --> 00:10:23,224
Call the-- The hospital!
[PHONE CHIMES]

189
00:10:23,398 --> 00:10:25,835
Dial the nearest hospital!
Dial the nearest hospital!

190
00:10:26,009 --> 00:10:27,793
SIRI: I do not know.
Let me check the Web.

191
00:10:27,967 --> 00:10:29,708
Dial the nearest hospital!
Is everything all right?

192
00:10:29,882 --> 00:10:32,755
Aah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Okay, what did you do?

193
00:10:32,929 --> 00:10:35,105
I didn't do anything!
These are Jersey mussels!

194
00:10:35,279 --> 00:10:37,412
What?
I knew they were Jersey mussels!

195
00:10:37,586 --> 00:10:40,284
Jersey? No! I'm from Jersey.
I need emergency. Emergency.

196
00:10:40,458 --> 00:10:41,372
This is an emergency!

197
00:10:41,546 --> 00:10:43,766
[MUMBLING]

198
00:10:43,940 --> 00:10:45,724
Everybody, calm down.
Everybody, relax.

199
00:10:45,898 --> 00:10:50,120
We should call the ambulance.
Siri! What is wrong with you?

200
00:10:50,294 --> 00:10:52,775
Ma'am, have you had an allergic
reaction to seafood before?

201
00:10:52,949 --> 00:10:54,733
Mm-mm.
You just randomly ordered,

202
00:10:54,907 --> 00:10:57,693
and this is what happened?
I had a hankering.

203
00:10:57,867 --> 00:11:00,130
Okay, just try to relax.
We're almost there.

204
00:11:00,304 --> 00:11:01,914
You're gonna be okay.

205
00:11:02,088 --> 00:11:04,221
Charlie? Charlie.

206
00:11:04,395 --> 00:11:07,398
Charlie!

207
00:11:07,572 --> 00:11:11,141
You're all I've got, Charlie!
Please don't leave me!

208
00:11:11,315 --> 00:11:14,231
[♪♪♪]

209
00:11:19,192 --> 00:11:21,282
[SIGHS]

210
00:11:28,114 --> 00:11:29,290
Oh, boy.

211
00:11:31,683 --> 00:11:33,119
Mr. Burnz?

212
00:11:35,557 --> 00:11:37,515
Oh, I'm not supposed to fill these out.

213
00:11:37,689 --> 00:11:39,038
What's your relation to Miss Payge?

214
00:11:39,212 --> 00:11:40,562
She won me in an auction.

215
00:11:42,172 --> 00:11:43,260
Fine, don't believe me.

216
00:11:43,434 --> 00:11:44,870
She doesn't have insurance,

217
00:11:45,044 --> 00:11:47,351
and she really shouldn't be
leaving here by herself.

218
00:11:47,525 --> 00:11:48,918
No insurance?

219
00:11:49,092 --> 00:11:50,485
Okay.

220
00:11:50,659 --> 00:11:52,661
Eleven hundred dollars?

221
00:11:52,835 --> 00:11:56,055
Yes. And you'll get the
ambulance bill in the mail.

222
00:11:56,229 --> 00:11:57,970
You can pay me on the way out.

223
00:11:58,144 --> 00:11:59,885
Your daughter is going to be fine.

224
00:12:00,059 --> 00:12:01,191
My d--?

225
00:12:01,365 --> 00:12:03,106
Great. Isn't that great?

226
00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:05,282
She told me all about
how you adopted her

227
00:12:05,456 --> 00:12:06,805
from that orphanage in Kenya.

228
00:12:06,979 --> 00:12:08,677
That's very special.
Oh, she told you?

229
00:12:08,851 --> 00:12:10,026
Yeah.
Yeah, well...

230
00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,942
Ha-ha, well, uh, she is special.

231
00:12:13,116 --> 00:12:14,900
Well, this is a pretty severe reaction.

232
00:12:15,074 --> 00:12:17,163
Are there other allergies
I should know about?

233
00:12:17,338 --> 00:12:19,601
I think really you should
talk to her about that,

234
00:12:19,775 --> 00:12:22,865
or I can put you in touch with
one of the elders of her tribe.

235
00:12:23,039 --> 00:12:26,303
You could ask for Mbolo.

236
00:12:26,477 --> 00:12:28,740
It's good that you reacted
as quickly as you did.

237
00:12:28,914 --> 00:12:30,829
A little longer, may have
been a different story.

238
00:12:31,003 --> 00:12:32,788
Here are her prescriptions.

239
00:12:32,962 --> 00:12:33,963
Pharmacy is that way.

240
00:12:34,137 --> 00:12:36,531
[♪♪♪]

241
00:12:38,489 --> 00:12:39,838
Six hundred dollars?

242
00:12:41,536 --> 00:12:43,755
So a tuna sandwich
cost me close to two grand.

243
00:12:43,929 --> 00:12:45,975
Welcome to New York, pal.
What's this?

244
00:12:46,149 --> 00:12:49,239
That's epinephrine. You need
to inject her within the hour.

245
00:12:49,413 --> 00:12:50,806
And if I don't?
She'll die.

246
00:12:51,894 --> 00:12:52,808
Next.

247
00:12:54,766 --> 00:13:00,598
"Remove blue safety release
by pulling up, straight up."

248
00:13:00,772 --> 00:13:02,818
Okay.
What's taking so long?

249
00:13:02,992 --> 00:13:05,429
I'm having trouble reading the
directions without my glasses.

250
00:13:05,603 --> 00:13:07,866
And honestly,
I'm a little nervous about it.

251
00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:09,172
Okay.
Oh, no.

252
00:13:09,346 --> 00:13:11,392
Hell, no. Put that thing down.

253
00:13:11,566 --> 00:13:13,655
Ain't no way in hell
I'm gonna let you stab me

254
00:13:13,829 --> 00:13:16,048
with that Lego stick while
your hand shaking like that.

255
00:13:16,222 --> 00:13:17,398
You might put out one of my eyes.

256
00:13:17,572 --> 00:13:18,747
They said I have to do it

257
00:13:18,921 --> 00:13:20,444
within the hour or you'll be in trouble.

258
00:13:20,618 --> 00:13:21,750
We'll just wait an hour.

259
00:13:21,924 --> 00:13:23,360
If I'm not dead, you can go home.

260
00:13:23,534 --> 00:13:25,449
Fine. Enjoy your bloating.

261
00:13:27,103 --> 00:13:28,321
[SIGHS]

262
00:13:28,496 --> 00:13:30,628
All right. Stick me, old man.

263
00:13:35,328 --> 00:13:37,243
[GROANS]

264
00:13:37,418 --> 00:13:39,289
Ow! God--

265
00:13:39,463 --> 00:13:41,987
Motherf-- Ow!

266
00:13:42,161 --> 00:13:44,555
Son of a--!

267
00:13:44,729 --> 00:13:46,078
[GRUNTS]
Okay.

268
00:13:46,252 --> 00:13:47,906
Show time's over.

269
00:13:50,039 --> 00:13:52,607
Make me some tea, maybe it'll
help with the bloating...

270
00:13:52,781 --> 00:13:55,827
"Only hold in for a few seconds."
Ah.

271
00:14:02,573 --> 00:14:03,835
"Slippery when wet"?

272
00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:06,055
You looked?
I had to. I really--

273
00:14:06,229 --> 00:14:08,231
I had to. That's not
something you wanna do

274
00:14:08,405 --> 00:14:09,711
with your eyes closed.
Believe me.

275
00:14:09,885 --> 00:14:11,277
It could have ended up someplace

276
00:14:11,452 --> 00:14:14,193
we both wouldn't be happy about.
[CHUCKLES]

277
00:14:14,367 --> 00:14:16,892
Thank you. I promise I will pay you back

278
00:14:17,066 --> 00:14:18,546
every dime that you laid out.

279
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:20,722
You don't have to do that.
How are you feeling?

280
00:14:20,896 --> 00:14:23,333
Like you shot me up with
five six-hour energy drinks.

281
00:14:23,507 --> 00:14:26,510
So I've got about a good
30 hours of energy! I'm lit!

282
00:14:26,684 --> 00:14:28,164
[CHUCKLES]

283
00:14:28,338 --> 00:14:30,166
Can I ask you something?
Yeah.

284
00:14:30,340 --> 00:14:32,081
Why did you tell the doctor
I was your father?

285
00:14:32,255 --> 00:14:34,823
Heh, I thought it would be cool
to have a white dad.

286
00:14:34,997 --> 00:14:37,042
Oh, and the orphanage story?

287
00:14:37,216 --> 00:14:38,609
I was a little loopy by then.

288
00:14:38,783 --> 00:14:40,481
I'm sure that was the mussels talking.

289
00:14:40,655 --> 00:14:42,395
Yup, those mussels were definitely talking.

290
00:14:42,570 --> 00:14:44,354
Yeah, must have been.

291
00:14:44,528 --> 00:14:46,704
Well, listen,
try to get some rest.

292
00:14:46,878 --> 00:14:49,228
Um, do you need anything else?
I have 20 bucks left.

293
00:14:49,402 --> 00:14:50,621
[CHUCKLES]

294
00:14:50,795 --> 00:14:51,883
I'll be fine.

295
00:14:52,057 --> 00:14:53,494
Look, I wanna apologize to you

296
00:14:53,668 --> 00:14:55,321
for saying all that stuff about my ex.

297
00:14:55,496 --> 00:14:56,975
I should have never done that.

298
00:14:57,149 --> 00:14:59,804
You are a good man,
and that was not fair to you.

299
00:14:59,978 --> 00:15:03,068
Hey, I understand. This way out?
Yep, that way.

300
00:15:03,242 --> 00:15:04,461
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

301
00:15:04,635 --> 00:15:05,984
Perky.
Yeah.

302
00:15:06,158 --> 00:15:09,466
[♪♪♪]

303
00:15:13,905 --> 00:15:14,776
[GRUNTS]

304
00:15:16,647 --> 00:15:17,605
[GRUNTS]

305
00:15:17,779 --> 00:15:19,345
CHARLIE: Good try.
[GROANS]

306
00:15:21,391 --> 00:15:22,827
Ah! All right, that's--

307
00:15:23,001 --> 00:15:24,612
It's all right. It's a base hit.

308
00:15:24,786 --> 00:15:26,875
[REX GRUNTING]

309
00:15:33,185 --> 00:15:34,665
[GROANS]

310
00:15:34,839 --> 00:15:36,667
CHARLIE: Sorry, Rex. That's a match.

311
00:15:39,278 --> 00:15:40,758
I don't know why you play against me.

312
00:15:40,932 --> 00:15:42,717
It's good aerobics.
Yeah, for me.

313
00:15:42,891 --> 00:15:44,675
[CHUCKLES]
I'm running around like crazy.

314
00:15:44,849 --> 00:15:46,634
I'm gasping for air. You just--

315
00:15:46,808 --> 00:15:49,506
You just stand at the net.
Somehow it's six-love, six-love.

316
00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:50,812
Six-love?
Six--

317
00:15:50,986 --> 00:15:52,944
[LAUGHS]
You get perverse pleasure

318
00:15:53,118 --> 00:15:55,468
beating your only son like this?
Yeah, a lot.

319
00:15:55,643 --> 00:15:56,818
[GROANS]

320
00:15:59,168 --> 00:16:01,431
Listen, Dad, uh...

321
00:16:01,605 --> 00:16:03,433
Francine wants to know

322
00:16:03,607 --> 00:16:06,610
if you are coming to Lindsay's bat mitzvah.

323
00:16:06,784 --> 00:16:08,133
My daughter wants to know

324
00:16:08,307 --> 00:16:10,179
if I'm coming to my
granddaughter's bat mitzvah?

325
00:16:10,353 --> 00:16:12,616
Why wouldn't I?
She says you never RSVP'd.

326
00:16:14,357 --> 00:16:18,013
Why didn't she just call
instead of asking you to ask me?

327
00:16:18,187 --> 00:16:19,841
Don't be upset.
You know how she gets.

328
00:16:20,015 --> 00:16:21,756
It'll be a fun day.
We'll be together.

329
00:16:21,930 --> 00:16:24,323
I don't want Lindsay to think
I wasn't gonna come.

330
00:16:24,497 --> 00:16:26,369
Who knows what your sister says to her?

331
00:16:26,543 --> 00:16:28,197
Just give her a call.

332
00:16:30,591 --> 00:16:33,637
This was fun.
I'll see you next week?

333
00:16:33,811 --> 00:16:36,292
When I lose to you, again.
[CHUCKLES]

334
00:16:36,466 --> 00:16:37,728
I gotta go.

335
00:16:37,902 --> 00:16:40,644
I have a 3:00.
I'm a little nervous.

336
00:16:40,818 --> 00:16:44,517
I'm submitting my design for
a new building in Union Square.

337
00:16:44,692 --> 00:16:47,085
Well, it could be a big thing for me.

338
00:16:47,259 --> 00:16:49,566
I RSVP'd. I know I RSVP'd.

339
00:16:49,740 --> 00:16:53,352
Dad, don't worry about that.
And wish me luck.

340
00:16:53,526 --> 00:16:54,615
About what?

341
00:16:56,921 --> 00:16:59,358
For my building, for the design.

342
00:16:59,532 --> 00:17:03,624
Oh, oh, oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

343
00:17:04,755 --> 00:17:06,322
Yeah. I'll see you.

344
00:17:07,976 --> 00:17:09,847
I'm gonna call her right now.

345
00:17:10,021 --> 00:17:12,328
GIRL [CRYING]:
Daddy! Daddy!

346
00:17:12,502 --> 00:17:14,852
Daddy! Daddy!

347
00:17:15,026 --> 00:17:17,942
I did something wrong, Daddy!

348
00:17:18,116 --> 00:17:20,858
I'm scared! Daddy!

349
00:17:21,990 --> 00:17:24,296
Daddy!

350
00:17:24,470 --> 00:17:27,386
[♪♪♪]

351
00:17:33,175 --> 00:17:36,613
Oh, hi. This is--
Craziest thing. I--

352
00:17:36,787 --> 00:17:38,354
I forgot what locker I was using.

353
00:17:38,528 --> 00:17:39,485
Heh-heh, that's okay.

354
00:17:39,660 --> 00:17:41,574
I have a master. Uh...

355
00:17:41,749 --> 00:17:43,576
Let's start with this row.
Okay, good.

356
00:17:44,839 --> 00:17:47,102
[LINDSAY SINGING IN HEBREW]

357
00:18:09,994 --> 00:18:12,344
That's perfect.
You're gonna crush this.

358
00:18:12,518 --> 00:18:14,303
Give me a high-five.
[LAUGHS]

359
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,699
I'm proud of you.
You're doing so beautifully.

360
00:18:18,873 --> 00:18:22,877
Yeah. I'm just getting a little
nervous about my speech.

361
00:18:23,051 --> 00:18:26,141
Have you started writing it yet?
Yeah.

362
00:18:26,315 --> 00:18:28,230
Mmm...
[CELL PHONE RINGING]

363
00:18:29,753 --> 00:18:31,276
It's your grandfather.

364
00:18:33,191 --> 00:18:35,063
Hi, Papa Charlie.
Hey, Lindsay, honey.

365
00:18:35,237 --> 00:18:36,934
How's my favorite bat mitzvah girl?

366
00:18:37,108 --> 00:18:38,283
Good. Heh-heh.

367
00:18:38,457 --> 00:18:39,763
[QUIETLY]
Ask him if he's coming.

368
00:18:39,937 --> 00:18:41,722
What do you mean?
Grandpa's not coming?

369
00:18:41,896 --> 00:18:43,680
Are you coming?
That's why I'm calling.

370
00:18:45,464 --> 00:18:46,596
Of course I'm coming.

371
00:18:46,770 --> 00:18:47,902
I wouldn't miss that for the world.

372
00:18:48,076 --> 00:18:49,468
Great. I'm so happy.

373
00:18:49,642 --> 00:18:51,340
Hey, when you're happy,
I'm happy.

374
00:18:51,514 --> 00:18:53,255
Um, can I speak to your mom?

375
00:18:53,429 --> 00:18:55,953
[WHISPERS]
Tell him I can't talk to him right now.

376
00:18:56,127 --> 00:18:59,391
Uh... She said she'll call you back.

377
00:18:59,565 --> 00:19:01,698
Yeah. Okay.

378
00:19:01,872 --> 00:19:03,265
I can't wait to see you.

379
00:19:03,439 --> 00:19:04,701
I can't wait to see you too.

380
00:19:04,875 --> 00:19:07,704
So tell me.
You got a pretty dress?

381
00:19:07,878 --> 00:19:09,619
You're gonna have to see when you come.

382
00:19:09,793 --> 00:19:11,273
[CHUCKLES] Okay.

383
00:19:11,447 --> 00:19:13,014
Um...

384
00:19:13,188 --> 00:19:15,451
[SOFTLY]
Can you help me with my speech?

385
00:19:15,625 --> 00:19:18,454
Yeah, of course.
We'll punch it up real good.

386
00:19:18,628 --> 00:19:19,585
[CHUCKLES]

387
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:21,370
Yeah. Okay, kid.

388
00:19:21,544 --> 00:19:22,806
See you soon.

389
00:19:23,981 --> 00:19:26,462
CHARLIE: I had a bad day.

390
00:19:26,636 --> 00:19:29,857
Thanks for seeing me so late.
I really appreciate it.

391
00:19:30,031 --> 00:19:33,512
I, uh-- I couldn't remember

392
00:19:33,686 --> 00:19:36,080
where my locker was in my health club.

393
00:19:36,254 --> 00:19:37,821
I've been going there for years.

394
00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:40,824
It was so damn embarrassing.

395
00:19:40,998 --> 00:19:42,783
That should be expected.

396
00:19:42,957 --> 00:19:47,526
Don't panic.
Are you doing what we talked about?

397
00:19:47,700 --> 00:19:50,355
Yeah. I try not to vary my routine.

398
00:19:50,529 --> 00:19:53,794
I walk the same way to work every day.
I eat right.

399
00:19:53,968 --> 00:19:56,492
I'm getting some exercise.

400
00:19:56,666 --> 00:19:58,973
And, uh, I'm taking my meds.

401
00:19:59,147 --> 00:20:01,714
And by the way, that Namenda.

402
00:20:01,889 --> 00:20:04,717
Oh, man, it's so constipating.

403
00:20:04,892 --> 00:20:06,197
It--
Sorry about that.

404
00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:08,112
Sorry? I was backed up
for eight days.

405
00:20:08,286 --> 00:20:10,332
I felt like a python
that had swallowed a deer.

406
00:20:10,506 --> 00:20:11,724
[LAUGHS]

407
00:20:11,899 --> 00:20:14,553
Charlie,
you have medicines

408
00:20:14,727 --> 00:20:17,556
to help with that, and you can
always give yourself an enema.

409
00:20:17,730 --> 00:20:19,776
I'm saving that for my birthday.

410
00:20:19,950 --> 00:20:22,997
A little something special just for me.

411
00:20:23,171 --> 00:20:25,260
How are you sleeping?
[SIGHS]

412
00:20:25,434 --> 00:20:29,394
Why sleep when you can
stay up and terrorize yourself?

413
00:20:29,568 --> 00:20:31,440
Maybe I get four hours, but maybe.

414
00:20:31,614 --> 00:20:34,225
And what about those flashbacks?

415
00:20:34,399 --> 00:20:36,619
That's the craziest thing.

416
00:20:36,793 --> 00:20:40,275
I can forget what I had for
lunch while I'm having lunch.

417
00:20:40,449 --> 00:20:43,060
But then, something...
flies into my head, like, bam!

418
00:20:43,234 --> 00:20:46,498
It could be a moment,
a fragment, a sentence.

419
00:20:46,672 --> 00:20:48,196
And it's like I'm there.

420
00:20:48,370 --> 00:20:49,937
Like I can see it

421
00:20:50,111 --> 00:20:52,156
like I saw it way back then.
It doesn't--

422
00:20:52,330 --> 00:20:55,856
It's almost like I can smell things.
And then, black.

423
00:20:56,030 --> 00:20:59,294
It just goes black,
and it goes as fast as it came.

424
00:20:59,468 --> 00:21:01,383
It's the craziest thing.

425
00:21:03,994 --> 00:21:07,171
How's the writing going?
I think it helps.

426
00:21:07,345 --> 00:21:11,175
Um, it keeps my mind active,
and it helps strengthen my denial.

427
00:21:11,349 --> 00:21:14,613
You know what, this show,
it's all of these young kids.

428
00:21:14,787 --> 00:21:16,224
I'm like the old man on the block

429
00:21:16,398 --> 00:21:19,227
whose yard you don't
wanna hit the ball into.

430
00:21:19,401 --> 00:21:22,099
But I still get stuff on the air.

431
00:21:22,273 --> 00:21:24,623
I still help shape the show,

432
00:21:24,797 --> 00:21:28,236
and when one of my jokes hits right,
and the audience laughs,

433
00:21:28,410 --> 00:21:29,715
there's still nothing like it.

434
00:21:29,890 --> 00:21:32,283
And I still love it.

435
00:21:32,457 --> 00:21:34,546
Good. I think you're doing well.

436
00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:39,334
We're keeping this at bay,
but it's so damn unpredictable.

437
00:21:39,508 --> 00:21:44,034
Don't let your denial
overrule your sense of reason.

438
00:21:44,208 --> 00:21:45,775
There's a lot we still don't know

439
00:21:45,949 --> 00:21:47,298
about this kind of dementia.

440
00:21:49,257 --> 00:21:50,127
Okay.

441
00:21:51,650 --> 00:21:53,478
See you next month.
Okay.

442
00:21:53,652 --> 00:21:56,090
Unless you need me sooner.
Okay.

443
00:21:56,264 --> 00:21:57,569
Thanks, my friend.

444
00:21:59,528 --> 00:22:02,357
Oh, by the way, I thought the
show last week was pretty good.

445
00:22:02,531 --> 00:22:04,359
Was it? Who was on?

446
00:22:04,533 --> 00:22:07,188
Um, you know, the guy,
what's-his-name?

447
00:22:07,362 --> 00:22:11,583
The-- From the film.
He's married to-- Oh!

448
00:22:11,757 --> 00:22:14,847
The one with the hair.
[LAUGHS]

449
00:22:15,022 --> 00:22:17,676
Would you like some of my meds?

450
00:22:17,850 --> 00:22:19,940
[♪♪♪]

451
00:22:49,056 --> 00:22:50,579
[CLATTERING]

452
00:22:50,753 --> 00:22:53,495
EMMA:
You just gonna push the lady down, huh?

453
00:22:53,669 --> 00:22:55,497
You just gonna run over somebody!

454
00:22:55,671 --> 00:22:56,846
You son of a bitch!

455
00:22:57,020 --> 00:22:58,891
Come back here and try that again,

456
00:22:59,066 --> 00:23:00,328
you spineless bastard!

457
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:03,331
Hey, hey, hey.

458
00:23:03,505 --> 00:23:04,723
What happened?

459
00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:07,900
[GROANS]

460
00:23:08,075 --> 00:23:09,728
I was going up the right,

461
00:23:09,902 --> 00:23:12,993
when I got into a head-on
collision with a dumbass

462
00:23:13,167 --> 00:23:15,169
who was coming down on the right side,

463
00:23:15,343 --> 00:23:17,214
but really that's his left side.

464
00:23:17,388 --> 00:23:19,956
And it's all his fault
because this isn't England!

465
00:23:20,130 --> 00:23:21,784
How did you know where I live?

466
00:23:21,958 --> 00:23:23,568
Oh, Google.
Google?

467
00:23:23,742 --> 00:23:25,309
Here.
What's this?

468
00:23:25,483 --> 00:23:27,833
The first installment
of the money I owe you.

469
00:23:28,008 --> 00:23:29,748
Whoa!

470
00:23:29,922 --> 00:23:31,881
You're a pole dancer?

471
00:23:32,055 --> 00:23:33,970
God, no.
And this coming from a man

472
00:23:34,144 --> 00:23:36,407
that makes America laugh for a living.

473
00:23:36,581 --> 00:23:39,149
My knee! My fucking knees!

474
00:23:39,323 --> 00:23:41,151
Listen, listen, come upstairs.

475
00:23:41,325 --> 00:23:42,935
I'll clean you up a little bit,

476
00:23:43,110 --> 00:23:44,981
and then we can rinse out your mouth.

477
00:23:45,155 --> 00:23:46,156
Come on.

478
00:23:46,330 --> 00:23:48,071
[♪♪♪]

479
00:23:48,245 --> 00:23:51,683
EMMA: Ooh, okay, okay.

480
00:23:53,424 --> 00:23:55,296
Jeez.

481
00:23:55,470 --> 00:23:59,343
Man, this dude is doing it.
This is nice.

482
00:23:59,517 --> 00:24:01,650
Ooh!
Mm, he know a lot of old white people.

483
00:24:03,434 --> 00:24:05,784
Oprah Winfrey?
Hmm!

484
00:24:06,829 --> 00:24:08,961
"For Carrie"?

485
00:24:09,136 --> 00:24:11,268
Hmm.
Okay, here we go.

486
00:24:11,442 --> 00:24:13,488
According to this wall,
not only are you ancient,

487
00:24:13,662 --> 00:24:15,664
but you're also famous.
[CHUCKLES]

488
00:24:15,838 --> 00:24:17,448
Sit here.

489
00:24:19,537 --> 00:24:20,799
[SIGHS]

490
00:24:25,456 --> 00:24:27,241
You a serial killer?

491
00:24:27,415 --> 00:24:28,677
What do you mean?

492
00:24:28,851 --> 00:24:30,461
Well, isn't that what serial killers do?

493
00:24:30,635 --> 00:24:32,724
Collect pictures of everyone they butchered

494
00:24:32,898 --> 00:24:35,075
and buried in their backyard?

495
00:24:35,249 --> 00:24:36,815
Other knee.

496
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:42,038
Who are they?
Who?

497
00:24:44,171 --> 00:24:46,869
Oh, that's my family.

498
00:24:47,043 --> 00:24:50,002
If they're family, why do you
have their names written down?

499
00:24:50,177 --> 00:24:51,613
I'm writing something about them,

500
00:24:51,787 --> 00:24:53,832
and it helps me stay focused.
That's all.

501
00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:57,271
How did you become a writer?

502
00:24:57,445 --> 00:25:00,796
I don't think you become one.
I think you just are.

503
00:25:00,970 --> 00:25:02,711
When I was a kid,
I thought it was fun

504
00:25:02,885 --> 00:25:05,496
to take the truth
and make it more interesting.

505
00:25:05,670 --> 00:25:06,584
So you're a liar?

506
00:25:06,758 --> 00:25:07,716
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

507
00:25:07,890 --> 00:25:09,413
Nah, I'm just kidding.

508
00:25:09,587 --> 00:25:10,632
That's beautiful.
Yeah.

509
00:25:10,806 --> 00:25:12,808
Well, you're as good as new.

510
00:25:12,982 --> 00:25:14,201
Thanks.

511
00:25:14,375 --> 00:25:15,506
[SIGHS]

512
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:17,291
What was here?

513
00:25:17,465 --> 00:25:19,336
Oh, there was just some picture that fell.

514
00:25:19,510 --> 00:25:21,947
Housekeeper put it someplace,
I don't know.

515
00:25:22,122 --> 00:25:23,558
Listen, I gotta get back to work.

516
00:25:23,732 --> 00:25:25,299
You gotta get back to making up shit

517
00:25:25,473 --> 00:25:27,214
because your real life is boring?

518
00:25:27,388 --> 00:25:29,259
Something like that, yeah.

519
00:25:29,433 --> 00:25:32,393
Thanks for bringing me
the bag of laundered money.

520
00:25:32,567 --> 00:25:34,438
The Corleones will be very pleased.

521
00:25:34,612 --> 00:25:37,137
Um...
But you really didn't have to do that.

522
00:25:37,311 --> 00:25:40,749
That's where you're wrong, old man.
I did. Mwah!

523
00:25:40,923 --> 00:25:42,054
Bye-bye.

524
00:25:43,795 --> 00:25:49,149
Next is Sarah and Roger,
Paula and Gary wrote this.

525
00:25:49,323 --> 00:25:52,108
A cheesy ad for a law firm.

526
00:25:52,282 --> 00:25:53,762
Hello, I'm Jerry Loomis.

527
00:25:53,936 --> 00:25:55,416
And I'm Lorraine Loomis.

528
00:25:55,590 --> 00:25:57,766
When we got married,
the rules of dating

529
00:25:57,940 --> 00:26:00,334
were much less confusing
than they are today.

530
00:26:00,508 --> 00:26:03,075
And that's where we come in.
We're the Sex Refs.

531
00:26:03,250 --> 00:26:04,816
[ALL LAUGH]

532
00:26:04,990 --> 00:26:06,949
We go on your dates with you.

533
00:26:07,123 --> 00:26:08,820
BOTH: Maintaining a safe distance.

534
00:26:08,994 --> 00:26:11,214
So if there's any hanky...
or panky.

535
00:26:11,388 --> 00:26:14,478
We're there to help clarify what
both parties' intentions are.

536
00:26:14,652 --> 00:26:16,437
So there's no misunderstandings

537
00:26:16,611 --> 00:26:20,049
that could lead to accusations and lawsuits.

538
00:26:20,223 --> 00:26:22,138
We deal with the he said-she said aspects

539
00:26:22,312 --> 00:26:23,922
of miscommunication.
For example,

540
00:26:24,096 --> 00:26:25,881
You're in a parked car and she says:

541
00:26:26,055 --> 00:26:27,274
"Would you like to kiss me?"

542
00:26:27,448 --> 00:26:28,971
But he said she said:

543
00:26:29,145 --> 00:26:31,321
"Honey, can you please
stick your thumb up my ass?"

544
00:26:31,495 --> 00:26:33,193
[ALL LAUGHING]

545
00:26:35,020 --> 00:26:37,458
Very different, isn't it?

546
00:26:37,632 --> 00:26:39,155
BOTH: We think so.

547
00:26:39,329 --> 00:26:41,810
Or if you're at the top of the Ferris wheel,

548
00:26:41,984 --> 00:26:44,595
and he says:
"I really don't like heights."

549
00:26:44,769 --> 00:26:46,249
But she says he said:

550
00:26:46,423 --> 00:26:48,338
"Wanna see a picture
of my Rottweiler's balls?"

551
00:26:48,512 --> 00:26:49,731
[ALL LAUGHING]

552
00:26:51,385 --> 00:26:53,996
Now you see why you need us?

553
00:26:54,170 --> 00:26:57,173
We'll be there to protect you
from vicious accusations,

554
00:26:57,347 --> 00:26:59,654
subpoenas and defamation suits.

555
00:26:59,828 --> 00:27:02,047
[WHISPERS] Sub-poena?
Remember we're on your side.

556
00:27:02,222 --> 00:27:03,701
BOTH: No matter what side that is.

557
00:27:03,875 --> 00:27:05,660
ROGER: We're Loomis.
And Loomis.

558
00:27:05,834 --> 00:27:07,444
And we'll see you in court...

559
00:27:07,618 --> 00:27:09,359
BOTH: Ship.

560
00:27:09,533 --> 00:27:11,448
[ALL LAUGH]

561
00:27:13,929 --> 00:27:15,496
MAN: That's good. That was good.

562
00:27:15,670 --> 00:27:17,541
Well, it's subtle.
[ALL CHUCKLE]

563
00:27:17,715 --> 00:27:19,413
So...
Okay, good job.

564
00:27:19,587 --> 00:27:22,459
Next sketch is from Darrell.

565
00:27:22,633 --> 00:27:24,766
Thomas Crapper Jr.

566
00:27:24,940 --> 00:27:27,769
We open on a 19th century British schoolyard.

567
00:27:27,943 --> 00:27:30,554
A group of 9-year-old
children are milling about

568
00:27:30,728 --> 00:27:32,817
and trying to figure out
what they want to do

569
00:27:32,991 --> 00:27:35,907
now that school is let out.
Wanna come over to my house?

570
00:27:36,081 --> 00:27:38,170
No. Your house smells.

571
00:27:38,345 --> 00:27:39,868
How about my house?

572
00:27:40,042 --> 00:27:42,740
No. Your house smells too.

573
00:27:42,914 --> 00:27:44,568
My house doesn't smell.

574
00:27:44,742 --> 00:27:46,091
How come?

575
00:27:46,266 --> 00:27:48,006
I'm Thomas Crapper Jr.

576
00:27:48,180 --> 00:27:50,879
My father invented the flush toilet.

577
00:27:51,053 --> 00:27:53,621
ALL: Then let's go over to his house.

578
00:27:55,405 --> 00:27:56,928
All right, all right.

579
00:27:59,453 --> 00:28:01,629
All right, guys.
Very funny stuff.

580
00:28:01,803 --> 00:28:03,805
Let's put together a show.

581
00:28:03,979 --> 00:28:06,460
Sex Refs.

582
00:28:06,634 --> 00:28:09,550
Ah. You guys wrote a really funny sketch.

583
00:28:09,724 --> 00:28:11,421
But, uh...

584
00:28:11,595 --> 00:28:14,903
But what?
Sarah and Roger were hilarious.

585
00:28:15,077 --> 00:28:17,122
GARY: Correct.
I don't know. I don't know.

586
00:28:17,297 --> 00:28:19,690
Charlie, what do you think?
Very funny idea.

587
00:28:19,864 --> 00:28:22,345
But a thumb up the ass,
Rottweiler's balls--

588
00:28:22,519 --> 00:28:24,304
What are you talking about?
They got laughs.

589
00:28:24,478 --> 00:28:26,393
Of course they will.
They always will.

590
00:28:26,567 --> 00:28:28,569
But is it the right kind of laugh?

591
00:28:28,743 --> 00:28:30,832
Because it's a very smart idea.

592
00:28:31,006 --> 00:28:32,007
Angry Librarians?

593
00:28:32,181 --> 00:28:33,182
So funny.
You should do it.

594
00:28:33,356 --> 00:28:34,575
I agree.

595
00:28:34,749 --> 00:28:36,968
Thomas Crapper Jr.
Hell, no.

596
00:28:37,142 --> 00:28:39,754
Yeah. You know,
Darrell's option's coming up,

597
00:28:39,928 --> 00:28:42,452
and he still hasn't gotten
a sketch on the air.

598
00:28:42,626 --> 00:28:44,976
It's not that bad.

599
00:28:45,150 --> 00:28:47,152
First of all, if they spoke
in English accents,

600
00:28:47,327 --> 00:28:48,763
the way they were supposed to,

601
00:28:48,937 --> 00:28:50,634
it would've been a little bit better,

602
00:28:50,808 --> 00:28:52,419
but the whole thing's not framed right.

603
00:28:52,593 --> 00:28:55,335
Give him another shot.
He'll make it better.

604
00:28:57,902 --> 00:28:59,948
Listen, we hired Darrell because he wrote

605
00:29:00,122 --> 00:29:02,951
those really funny essays for the Lampoon.

606
00:29:03,125 --> 00:29:05,083
I think it's a little hard to make the leap

607
00:29:05,257 --> 00:29:07,042
from print to live sketches.
It takes time.

608
00:29:07,216 --> 00:29:10,045
You think he's a good writer?

609
00:29:10,219 --> 00:29:12,264
Yeah. I think--
I think it's in there.

610
00:29:12,439 --> 00:29:14,179
But I think it needs to be encouraged.

611
00:29:14,354 --> 00:29:17,095
Listen, you guys are a
very fast crowd to run with,

612
00:29:17,269 --> 00:29:19,881
and I also think that
Inflection Mangler Roger

613
00:29:20,055 --> 00:29:22,710
should be hit in the head
until he says "subpoena" right.

614
00:29:22,884 --> 00:29:25,103
I mean, come on.
"Sub-poena," what is that?

615
00:29:25,277 --> 00:29:26,453
A very small poena?

616
00:29:26,627 --> 00:29:28,106
That's an inferior poena.

617
00:29:28,280 --> 00:29:31,327
An underground poena?
I mean, what is his problem?

618
00:29:31,501 --> 00:29:34,330
You know, but here's the thing.

619
00:29:34,504 --> 00:29:35,984
There's a music to comedy.

620
00:29:36,158 --> 00:29:38,116
There's a music.
There are notes to comedy.

621
00:29:38,290 --> 00:29:39,770
He's out of tune.
We're working on it.

622
00:29:39,944 --> 00:29:42,425
Keep working,
because it's driving me nuts.

623
00:29:42,599 --> 00:29:45,559
All right. What's next?
Uh, I have to go.

624
00:29:45,733 --> 00:29:47,604
I'm sorry, I have my--
Oh, oh!

625
00:29:47,778 --> 00:29:48,953
Excuse me.
Oh, right.

626
00:29:49,127 --> 00:29:51,042
Yeah.
Have a great time.

627
00:29:51,216 --> 00:29:53,784
Thanks.
Oh. I wish I could go.

628
00:29:53,958 --> 00:29:56,091
Hey. You got a job. Ha-ha!
Yeah. All right.

629
00:29:56,265 --> 00:29:57,527
CHARLIE: Good night.
Good night.

630
00:29:57,701 --> 00:29:59,399
Good night.

631
00:29:59,573 --> 00:30:02,402
They're, um--
They're honoring Charlie

632
00:30:02,576 --> 00:30:04,926
and the whole cast
at the American Film Society

633
00:30:05,100 --> 00:30:07,972
for the 30th anniversary
of Call Me Anytime.

634
00:30:08,146 --> 00:30:10,584
Kevin Kline, Sharon Stone,
Barry Levinson directing.

635
00:30:10,758 --> 00:30:13,848
Oh. Such a funny movie.
Have you seen it?

636
00:30:14,022 --> 00:30:15,502
Mm-hm.
Yeah. It's great.

637
00:30:16,938 --> 00:30:19,027
All right. What's up?

638
00:30:20,985 --> 00:30:23,292
Look, you know I love Charlie.

639
00:30:23,466 --> 00:30:25,468
I know he gave you
your start and everything.

640
00:30:25,642 --> 00:30:27,731
But...
come on.

641
00:30:27,905 --> 00:30:30,908
Yeah, I just don't know what
he brings to the show anymore.

642
00:30:31,082 --> 00:30:33,694
Aside from 40 years' experience?

643
00:30:33,868 --> 00:30:36,000
And a body of work that includes shows

644
00:30:36,174 --> 00:30:38,960
that made it possible
for this show to exist?

645
00:30:39,134 --> 00:30:40,352
[SIGHS]

646
00:30:40,527 --> 00:30:42,659
Look, I know

647
00:30:42,833 --> 00:30:45,967
how you can question Charlie's value.

648
00:30:46,141 --> 00:30:49,840
But he's really smart
and he still writes funny jokes.

649
00:30:50,014 --> 00:30:52,190
And he's my consigliere.

650
00:30:52,364 --> 00:30:56,151
So when you write sketches
with a thumb up someone's ass,

651
00:30:56,325 --> 00:30:58,414
or a Rottweiler's balls,

652
00:30:58,588 --> 00:31:02,331
he's the one who reminds me what
we should be putting on the air.

653
00:31:02,505 --> 00:31:06,074
Bottom line, as long as
I am producing this show,

654
00:31:06,248 --> 00:31:07,771
Charlie will be here.

655
00:31:09,556 --> 00:31:11,819
Okay?
You got it.

656
00:31:11,993 --> 00:31:13,864
All right.
Yeah.

657
00:31:14,038 --> 00:31:15,692
Let's get back to work.
Yeah.

658
00:31:18,390 --> 00:31:20,305
[ALL CHATTERING]

659
00:31:21,611 --> 00:31:23,613
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

660
00:31:23,787 --> 00:31:25,267
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

661
00:31:25,441 --> 00:31:27,051
Come on, come on.

662
00:31:28,836 --> 00:31:30,968
Close the door, close the door.

663
00:31:32,709 --> 00:31:34,668
Turn off the lights.

664
00:31:34,842 --> 00:31:35,886
Come here.

665
00:31:36,060 --> 00:31:38,672
[BOTH MOANING]

666
00:31:38,846 --> 00:31:41,413
I can't do this anymore.

667
00:31:41,588 --> 00:31:43,198
Why?
Oh!

668
00:31:43,372 --> 00:31:46,201
You're married, I'm married.
I don't want anyone to get hurt.

669
00:31:46,375 --> 00:31:47,594
Well, neither do I.

670
00:31:47,768 --> 00:31:48,943
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

671
00:31:49,117 --> 00:31:51,598
Mm, I just don't know what to do.

672
00:31:51,772 --> 00:31:54,514
But wait, wait, wait.
Let's make a plan.

673
00:31:54,688 --> 00:31:58,561
Every year, we will meet
here in the Tuckmans' bathroom,

674
00:31:58,735 --> 00:32:00,955
at their Halloween party.

675
00:32:01,129 --> 00:32:02,826
What about the Tuckmans'
Christmas party?

676
00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:04,349
No, we've got to be strong.

677
00:32:04,524 --> 00:32:05,960
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

678
00:32:06,134 --> 00:32:08,702
[AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING]

679
00:32:08,876 --> 00:32:11,574
Hi, how are you?
Thank you all for being here.

680
00:32:11,748 --> 00:32:13,576
Good evening, I'm Bob Costas.

681
00:32:13,750 --> 00:32:15,012
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

682
00:32:15,186 --> 00:32:16,492
Please welcome

683
00:32:16,666 --> 00:32:18,712
the director of Call Me Anytime,

684
00:32:18,886 --> 00:32:19,974
Barry Levinson.

685
00:32:20,148 --> 00:32:22,324
Its writer, Charlie Burnz,

686
00:32:22,498 --> 00:32:26,371
and its stars,
Kevin Kline and Sharon Stone.

687
00:32:26,546 --> 00:32:28,069
[ALL WHOOPING, WHISTLING]

688
00:32:33,683 --> 00:32:35,816
I have to say, right off the top.

689
00:32:35,990 --> 00:32:38,122
I really love this film.

690
00:32:38,296 --> 00:32:40,647
In fact, I'm bypassing
a Mets-Astros game tonight

691
00:32:40,821 --> 00:32:43,040
just to be here,
to do this instead.

692
00:32:43,214 --> 00:32:45,216
All right,
so, what's the germ of all this?

693
00:32:45,390 --> 00:32:47,175
How did it all get started?

694
00:32:47,349 --> 00:32:49,786
Well, um, Charlie and I originally met

695
00:32:49,960 --> 00:32:52,615
on The Carol Burnett Show ages ago.

696
00:32:52,789 --> 00:32:56,488
And, uh, he wrote
a lot of very funny sketches.

697
00:32:56,663 --> 00:33:00,884
Shy guy, uh,
always called me Mr. Levinson.

698
00:33:01,058 --> 00:33:02,886
Even though we were friendly.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

699
00:33:03,060 --> 00:33:04,932
All right, so what happened was, um,

700
00:33:05,106 --> 00:33:07,804
I read Charlie's script
and, uh, I thought:

701
00:33:07,978 --> 00:33:10,198
"Well, this is a perfect film to do."

702
00:33:10,372 --> 00:33:13,505
So the next day, I get a call
from Barry, and he says:

703
00:33:13,680 --> 00:33:15,638
"I just read this script, it's terrific.

704
00:33:15,812 --> 00:33:18,467
You gotta read it.
The character, she's you."

705
00:33:18,641 --> 00:33:20,251
And I said, "She's completely compulsive,

706
00:33:20,425 --> 00:33:22,166
she'll do anything. I'm in."

707
00:33:22,340 --> 00:33:23,907
[ALL LAUGHING]

708
00:33:24,081 --> 00:33:26,693
And then the next day,
he called me.

709
00:33:26,867 --> 00:33:29,913
I read the script and then I was in.

710
00:33:30,087 --> 00:33:32,829
Literally three days later,
we got a go.

711
00:33:33,003 --> 00:33:35,092
And I called Charlie with the good news.

712
00:33:35,266 --> 00:33:38,792
And so, Charlie, you get the call,
what did Barry say?

713
00:33:38,966 --> 00:33:42,186
Who?
Heh, Mr. Levinson.

714
00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:43,579
Oh, heh.

715
00:33:43,753 --> 00:33:47,409
It's so nice to see you.
Nice to... Wow.

716
00:33:47,583 --> 00:33:50,194
It's great to meet you.
Well, I was...

717
00:33:50,368 --> 00:33:53,023
I was just thrilled and shocked that, um...

718
00:33:53,197 --> 00:33:54,808
Mr. Levinson.

719
00:33:54,982 --> 00:33:56,157
[ALL LAUGHING]

720
00:33:56,331 --> 00:33:57,201
Uh...

721
00:33:57,375 --> 00:33:58,638
[CHUCKLES]

722
00:33:58,812 --> 00:34:00,030
Wanted to direct my first--

723
00:34:00,204 --> 00:34:01,815
This was my first screenplay.
Yes.

724
00:34:01,989 --> 00:34:06,907
And that Kevin Kline was gonna play Ben,
and that-- help me.

725
00:34:07,081 --> 00:34:08,952
Meryl Streep.
Hello.

726
00:34:09,126 --> 00:34:12,260
Heh, was, uh, gonna play Iris.

727
00:34:12,434 --> 00:34:15,393
And I kept thinking,
if my parents were alive,

728
00:34:15,567 --> 00:34:17,178
this good news would've killed them.

729
00:34:17,352 --> 00:34:18,875
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

730
00:34:19,049 --> 00:34:20,703
BARRY: Charlie's work is--

731
00:34:20,877 --> 00:34:23,750
It's not just comedic,
there's a humanity to it.

732
00:34:23,924 --> 00:34:27,231
And I think it shows people as real people.

733
00:34:27,405 --> 00:34:28,972
He's an exceptional writer.

734
00:34:29,146 --> 00:34:32,019
[♪♪♪]

735
00:34:37,111 --> 00:34:40,201
Hey, old man.
You were great up there.

736
00:34:40,375 --> 00:34:42,812
Hey. You were inside?

737
00:34:42,986 --> 00:34:46,337
Yeah. And I loved it.
Second installment.

738
00:34:46,511 --> 00:34:49,471
It's a little light, boss.
Please don't break my thumbs.

739
00:34:49,645 --> 00:34:50,646
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

740
00:34:50,820 --> 00:34:52,300
Well, this is a...

741
00:34:52,474 --> 00:34:53,693
This is a lovely surprise.

742
00:34:53,867 --> 00:34:56,434
How'd you know about this?
My loser ex.

743
00:34:56,608 --> 00:34:59,437
I used his ticket.
You made me laugh a lot.

744
00:34:59,611 --> 00:35:00,612
I'm really sorry.

745
00:35:00,787 --> 00:35:02,440
[BOTH LAUGH]

746
00:35:02,614 --> 00:35:05,487
No, I liked seeing you up there.
It was so cool.

747
00:35:05,661 --> 00:35:07,402
And you've done a lot of big things.

748
00:35:07,576 --> 00:35:09,360
I got lucky.
Being good

749
00:35:09,534 --> 00:35:11,928
ain't got nothing to do with luck.

750
00:35:12,102 --> 00:35:13,277
I guess.

751
00:35:15,105 --> 00:35:16,672
Why do you have birds in your hair?

752
00:35:16,846 --> 00:35:18,065
Why not?

753
00:35:18,239 --> 00:35:20,110
Oh, shit, what time is it?

754
00:35:20,284 --> 00:35:21,851
Damn! I'm gonna be late for work.

755
00:35:22,025 --> 00:35:23,374
I gotta go. Come with me.
Work?

756
00:35:23,548 --> 00:35:24,506
Yeah. Come on.
Now?

757
00:35:24,680 --> 00:35:26,856
Yeah.
What do you do?

758
00:35:27,030 --> 00:35:28,902
[BAND PLAYING JAZZ TUNE]

759
00:35:30,817 --> 00:35:32,514
♪ Up in Harlem at a table for two ♪

760
00:35:32,688 --> 00:35:35,343
♪ There were four of us
Me, your big feet and you ♪

761
00:35:35,517 --> 00:35:38,172
♪ From your ankles up
I say you sure look sweet ♪

762
00:35:38,346 --> 00:35:40,957
♪ But from there down
There's just too much feet! ♪

763
00:35:41,131 --> 00:35:42,785
♪ Yeah, your feet too big ♪

764
00:35:42,959 --> 00:35:45,701
♪ I don't want ya
'Cause your feet's too big ♪

765
00:35:45,875 --> 00:35:48,269
♪ I can't use ya
'Cause your feet's too big ♪

766
00:35:48,443 --> 00:35:50,750
♪ I really hate ya
'Cause your feet's too big ♪

767
00:35:50,924 --> 00:35:52,273
BAND: Your feet's too big!

768
00:35:52,447 --> 00:35:55,232
[SCATTING]

769
00:35:55,406 --> 00:35:58,235
♪ Where d'ya get 'em?
Where d'ya get 'em? ♪

770
00:35:58,409 --> 00:36:00,672
♪ Your girl, she likes ya
She thinks you're nice ♪

771
00:36:00,847 --> 00:36:03,414
♪ Got what it takes
To go to paradise ♪

772
00:36:03,588 --> 00:36:06,156
♪ She likes your face
Said she likes your rig ♪

773
00:36:06,330 --> 00:36:08,593
♪ But, man, oh, man
Those things are too big ♪

774
00:36:08,768 --> 00:36:10,465
♪ Your feet's too big ♪

775
00:36:10,639 --> 00:36:13,424
♪ I don't want ya
'Cause your feet's too big ♪

776
00:36:13,598 --> 00:36:16,036
♪ I'm mad at ya
'Cause your feet's too big ♪

777
00:36:16,210 --> 00:36:18,647
♪ I hate ya
'Cause your feet's too big ♪

778
00:36:20,257 --> 00:36:24,174
Yeah, I come from
a pretty small family. Uh...

779
00:36:24,348 --> 00:36:27,569
My mom and dad were singers.

780
00:36:27,743 --> 00:36:29,484
Uh, Mo and Jessie.

781
00:36:29,658 --> 00:36:31,616
They were kind of like Ashford and Simpson.

782
00:36:31,791 --> 00:36:33,314
But they never made it big

783
00:36:33,488 --> 00:36:35,620
because there was already
an Ashford and Simpson.

784
00:36:35,795 --> 00:36:37,013
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

785
00:36:37,187 --> 00:36:38,493
We used to have a lot of fun.

786
00:36:38,667 --> 00:36:40,234
They taught me how to harmonize,

787
00:36:40,408 --> 00:36:44,499
and my dad made these
really cool weathervanes.

788
00:36:44,673 --> 00:36:46,153
And my mom, she had

789
00:36:46,327 --> 00:36:48,895
these beautiful dreamcatchers
that she makes.

790
00:36:49,069 --> 00:36:50,722
They live just outside of Charlotte.

791
00:36:50,897 --> 00:36:52,463
I love them both to pieces.

792
00:36:52,637 --> 00:36:54,161
Oh, they sound great.

793
00:36:57,555 --> 00:37:00,994
I love the way the air smells after it rains.
Hmm.

794
00:37:01,168 --> 00:37:03,431
Listen, if you ever need my help

795
00:37:03,605 --> 00:37:05,563
with what you're going through right now,

796
00:37:05,737 --> 00:37:08,436
even if you need someone
to talk to, I'm here.

797
00:37:08,610 --> 00:37:12,483
Well, thank you very much.
But what are you talking about?

798
00:37:12,657 --> 00:37:15,530
You forgot Sharon Stone
and Barry Levinson's names?

799
00:37:15,704 --> 00:37:17,358
Oh, that.
I get a little tongue-tied.

800
00:37:17,532 --> 00:37:20,056
I don't like being on-stage.
And what stage were you on

801
00:37:20,230 --> 00:37:22,406
when you wrote your family's
names under their pictures?

802
00:37:22,580 --> 00:37:23,930
I told you, that's how I work.

803
00:37:24,104 --> 00:37:25,975
It's a project that I'm working on, and--

804
00:37:26,149 --> 00:37:29,370
Look, I know what you told me,
but don't bullshit me, old man.

805
00:37:29,544 --> 00:37:32,025
[♪♪♪]

806
00:37:33,591 --> 00:37:35,898
It started innocently enough.

807
00:37:36,072 --> 00:37:37,682
I'd have trouble remembering things.

808
00:37:37,857 --> 00:37:40,903
A name, a place, a fork.

809
00:37:41,077 --> 00:37:43,079
And I'd think,
"You're getting older, Charlie.

810
00:37:43,253 --> 00:37:45,603
You know, you're having senior moments."

811
00:37:45,777 --> 00:37:47,779
But one day,
I'm having lunch with this guy,

812
00:37:47,954 --> 00:37:49,607
and I can't remember his name.

813
00:37:49,781 --> 00:37:51,566
He's going on and on and on.

814
00:37:51,740 --> 00:37:53,220
I'm thinking, "Who the hell is this?"

815
00:37:53,394 --> 00:37:55,613
Then he cracks himself up
and he starts laughing.

816
00:37:55,787 --> 00:37:58,399
So I faked laughing.
Just to go along with him.

817
00:37:58,573 --> 00:38:01,315
And while I'm laughing,
I'm panicking.

818
00:38:01,489 --> 00:38:03,795
Thinking,
"Who the hell is this?"

819
00:38:03,970 --> 00:38:05,319
Did you know him?

820
00:38:07,234 --> 00:38:08,452
He was my son.

821
00:38:10,367 --> 00:38:12,369
[GROANS SOFTLY]

822
00:38:12,543 --> 00:38:15,546
Yeah. It's happening.

823
00:38:17,113 --> 00:38:19,855
Jesus, old man. I'm sorry.

824
00:38:23,772 --> 00:38:25,469
[SIGHS]

825
00:38:25,643 --> 00:38:26,557
Who's Carrie?

826
00:38:28,516 --> 00:38:31,736
I saw that on the title page at your house.

827
00:38:33,564 --> 00:38:35,088
Carrie was my wife.

828
00:38:36,437 --> 00:38:37,525
She died.

829
00:38:39,266 --> 00:38:40,658
A long time ago.

830
00:38:42,791 --> 00:38:46,751
And I'm writing something for her.

831
00:38:46,926 --> 00:38:49,145
And I have to finish
before my words run out.

832
00:38:49,319 --> 00:38:51,756
When did you start working on it?

833
00:38:51,931 --> 00:38:54,237
About an hour after I was diagnosed.

834
00:38:54,411 --> 00:38:56,065
And how's it going so far?

835
00:38:56,239 --> 00:38:58,372
It's going really well.

836
00:38:58,546 --> 00:39:01,549
My mama would call that
a crock of lukewarm horseshit.

837
00:39:01,723 --> 00:39:03,681
Don't lie to me, old man.

838
00:39:03,855 --> 00:39:07,207
I know you haven't started
writing one single word.

839
00:39:07,381 --> 00:39:09,078
Let me see your phone.
My phone?

840
00:39:09,252 --> 00:39:10,558
Your phone.
Okay.

841
00:39:12,038 --> 00:39:13,735
Okay.

842
00:39:13,909 --> 00:39:17,391
This is my name,
this is my number, okay?

843
00:39:17,565 --> 00:39:19,349
Now, even if you don't wanna contact me,

844
00:39:19,523 --> 00:39:21,003
I just want you to know

845
00:39:21,177 --> 00:39:24,398
that I'm not some allergic-to-shellfish nut

846
00:39:24,572 --> 00:39:26,226
that's half your age plus four,

847
00:39:26,400 --> 00:39:29,011
that wants to help you
because you helped me.

848
00:39:29,185 --> 00:39:31,274
You don't stop for commas, do you?

849
00:39:31,448 --> 00:39:32,754
Life's too short for commas.

850
00:39:39,935 --> 00:39:43,199
Darrell, um, this is better.

851
00:39:43,373 --> 00:39:45,767
Try this as a tag.

852
00:39:45,941 --> 00:39:48,465
Let's do it in the dress rehearsal.
What do you think?

853
00:39:48,639 --> 00:39:49,814
[CHUCKLES]

854
00:39:49,989 --> 00:39:52,078
Yeah. Yeah, that's great.

855
00:39:52,252 --> 00:39:53,731
Are we good?
Yeah. Thanks.

856
00:39:53,905 --> 00:39:56,082
Good. Alrighty.
All right.

857
00:39:56,256 --> 00:39:58,345
[IN ENGLISH ACCENT]
Want to come to my house and play?

858
00:39:58,519 --> 00:40:00,347
[IN ENGLISH ACCENT]
No, your house smells.

859
00:40:00,521 --> 00:40:01,913
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

860
00:40:02,088 --> 00:40:03,263
[IN ENGLISH ACCENT]
Come to my house and play.

861
00:40:03,437 --> 00:40:05,656
SARAH: No, your house smells too.

862
00:40:05,830 --> 00:40:07,093
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

863
00:40:07,267 --> 00:40:08,790
My house doesn't smell.

864
00:40:08,964 --> 00:40:10,270
We can play there.

865
00:40:10,444 --> 00:40:12,272
Oh, he's Thomas Crapper's son.

866
00:40:12,446 --> 00:40:14,839
His father invented the flushing toilet.

867
00:40:15,014 --> 00:40:17,277
That's a lot of crap.

868
00:40:17,451 --> 00:40:19,627
Not anymore.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

869
00:40:19,801 --> 00:40:22,456
ALL: Let's go to his house!

870
00:40:22,630 --> 00:40:24,762
[IMITATING JEFF GOLDBLUM]
Ah, yes. Thomas Crapper,

871
00:40:24,936 --> 00:40:27,765
the, uh, father of the modern toilet.

872
00:40:27,939 --> 00:40:29,419
I'm Jeff Goldblum.

873
00:40:29,593 --> 00:40:32,466
Uh... Oh, heh-heh-heh.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

874
00:40:32,640 --> 00:40:33,597
[PURRS]

875
00:40:33,771 --> 00:40:35,295
This has been

876
00:40:35,469 --> 00:40:39,647
a little-known moment
in indoor plumbing history.

877
00:40:39,821 --> 00:40:41,301
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

878
00:40:41,475 --> 00:40:44,826
Change your toilet.
Change the world.

879
00:40:45,914 --> 00:40:47,655
Commercial break!
Two minutes.

880
00:40:49,657 --> 00:40:50,832
Wow.

881
00:40:51,006 --> 00:40:52,616
Not bad.
Great fix, Darrell.

882
00:40:52,790 --> 00:40:54,879
Yeah, the Goldblum thing was funny.

883
00:40:55,054 --> 00:40:57,273
Thanks.
I think we'll slot it

884
00:40:57,447 --> 00:41:00,102
after the third commercial break.
Got one on the air.

885
00:41:00,276 --> 00:41:01,451
GARY: All right, so...

886
00:41:01,625 --> 00:41:02,974
[GARY CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

887
00:41:03,149 --> 00:41:05,107
BRAD: Yeah. Yeah.

888
00:41:05,281 --> 00:41:07,805
[♪♪♪]

889
00:41:16,249 --> 00:41:17,554
[SIGHS]

890
00:41:25,345 --> 00:41:26,650
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

891
00:41:29,697 --> 00:41:31,090
EMMA: How did you meet Carrie?

892
00:41:37,792 --> 00:41:39,010
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

893
00:41:40,925 --> 00:41:44,103
Come on, old man.
How did you two meet?

894
00:41:52,154 --> 00:41:53,938
CARRIE: Damn it, I hate this stuff.

895
00:41:55,810 --> 00:41:58,639
CHARLIE:
Hey, you know what really does the trick?

896
00:41:58,813 --> 00:41:59,857
What?

897
00:42:00,031 --> 00:42:01,685
CHARLIE: Butter.

898
00:42:01,859 --> 00:42:04,123
Did you just say butter?
I'm telling you. Butter.

899
00:42:04,297 --> 00:42:07,038
No, really. There's a lot of tar
on the beach this year.

900
00:42:07,213 --> 00:42:09,171
What you do is you take a stick of butter

901
00:42:09,345 --> 00:42:11,173
and just keep rubbing it into the tar

902
00:42:11,347 --> 00:42:14,698
and somehow it breaks it down,
you can just wipe it away

903
00:42:14,872 --> 00:42:17,266
and you don't have to use
that tomahawk of a shell,

904
00:42:17,440 --> 00:42:19,355
which is probably taking off
all the epidermis

905
00:42:19,529 --> 00:42:21,575
on the bottom of your foot.
[CHUCKLES]

906
00:42:21,749 --> 00:42:23,533
Hi.Hi.

907
00:42:23,707 --> 00:42:26,362
I'm Charlie Burnz.
Hello, Charlie Burnz.

908
00:42:28,582 --> 00:42:30,975
I'm Carrie.
Carrie? Is that short

909
00:42:31,150 --> 00:42:34,240
for Caren or Carina or a Catherine or...?

910
00:42:34,414 --> 00:42:36,242
Florence.
Florence?

911
00:42:36,416 --> 00:42:37,895
Don't ask.

912
00:42:38,069 --> 00:42:40,550
Florence. Well, that's
a great old-fashioned name.

913
00:42:40,724 --> 00:42:42,900
That's one of the names
of one of my relatives.

914
00:42:43,074 --> 00:42:45,729
I could never imagine
my relatives as babies.

915
00:42:45,903 --> 00:42:47,296
Herman, come away from the water.

916
00:42:47,470 --> 00:42:49,429
Irving, don't put that puppy in your mouth.

917
00:42:49,603 --> 00:42:51,344
Ooh, Mildred just pooped in the toilet.

918
00:42:51,518 --> 00:42:53,041
A big hand for Mildred.

919
00:42:53,215 --> 00:42:55,086
[LAUGHING]
You don't hear those names.

920
00:42:55,261 --> 00:42:56,697
That's true.

921
00:42:56,871 --> 00:42:58,133
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

922
00:42:58,307 --> 00:43:00,657
Listen, I live in that white house,

923
00:43:00,831 --> 00:43:02,833
like, right over there,
and I happen to have

924
00:43:03,007 --> 00:43:05,793
like half a ton of butter.
So if you...

925
00:43:05,967 --> 00:43:07,664
Yeah, I won a dairy contest.

926
00:43:07,838 --> 00:43:10,276
You had to guess how much the cow weighed.

927
00:43:10,450 --> 00:43:12,713
[CHUCKLES]
And, uh, I can de-tar you.

928
00:43:12,887 --> 00:43:15,411
And I mean that in a very respectful way.

929
00:43:17,239 --> 00:43:18,501
Okay.

930
00:43:21,374 --> 00:43:23,898
[♪♪♪]

931
00:43:26,248 --> 00:43:27,858
CHARLIE: Wow, is that a paint-by-number?

932
00:43:28,032 --> 00:43:32,123
Oh, it's you again.
Hello, Charlie Burnz.

933
00:43:32,298 --> 00:43:34,996
Hey, Carrie. It's really good.

934
00:43:35,170 --> 00:43:36,606
Yeah? You like it?
Yeah.

935
00:43:36,780 --> 00:43:38,260
You know what else I like?
What?

936
00:43:38,434 --> 00:43:40,567
Steamed clams.
Oh, yeah?

937
00:43:40,741 --> 00:43:43,047
Yeah.
I've never had steamed clams.

938
00:43:43,222 --> 00:43:45,267
Okay, my house, 7 p.m.

939
00:43:46,790 --> 00:43:48,662
Deal.

940
00:43:48,836 --> 00:43:51,447
CHARLIE:
Here we go. Okay, take the clam.

941
00:43:51,621 --> 00:43:54,537
Spread it apart.
Rinse him in the broth.

942
00:43:54,711 --> 00:43:58,019
And then to the butter.
And then to your mouth.

943
00:43:58,193 --> 00:44:00,413
It's a little bit of heaven.
Isn't it great?

944
00:44:00,587 --> 00:44:02,545
Oh. Oh, God.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

945
00:44:02,719 --> 00:44:03,981
Oh, God, that's disgusting.

946
00:44:04,155 --> 00:44:05,809
[LAUGHING]
Please don't sue.

947
00:44:05,983 --> 00:44:08,159
Oh, man.

948
00:44:08,334 --> 00:44:10,466
Pizza?
I'll call Gino's.

949
00:44:23,784 --> 00:44:25,481
CHARLIE: I just got this rug.

950
00:44:26,743 --> 00:44:28,441
This is like tracking Bigfoot.

951
00:44:28,615 --> 00:44:30,094
[CHARLIE CHUCKLES]

952
00:44:34,403 --> 00:44:35,317
Hey.

953
00:44:36,231 --> 00:44:38,364
Hey. Carrie.

954
00:44:39,495 --> 00:44:40,888
Good morning.

955
00:44:45,501 --> 00:44:46,633
Here.

956
00:44:48,112 --> 00:44:50,376
Good morning, Charlie Burnz.

957
00:44:50,550 --> 00:44:51,986
[CHARLIE CHUCKLES]

958
00:44:52,160 --> 00:44:55,598
Here. A little something for breakfast.

959
00:44:55,772 --> 00:44:57,426
It's a beautiful day.

960
00:45:01,343 --> 00:45:03,954
Ha-ha! Oh, God.
[LAUGHS]

961
00:45:04,128 --> 00:45:05,565
[LAUGHING]

962
00:45:07,393 --> 00:45:08,524
Okay.

963
00:45:10,265 --> 00:45:12,049
De-tar me.

964
00:45:12,223 --> 00:45:15,488
But it seems a shame to waste
the butter on my foot.

965
00:45:15,662 --> 00:45:17,359
Oh!
Come here.

966
00:45:17,533 --> 00:45:18,752
Okay.

967
00:45:21,363 --> 00:45:22,930
CHARLIE [WHISPERS]: Hi.

968
00:45:34,811 --> 00:45:36,683
[VIOLIN PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

969
00:45:38,380 --> 00:45:40,991
Well, hello, old friend.

970
00:45:52,873 --> 00:45:54,135
[DINGS]

971
00:46:05,189 --> 00:46:06,408
[DINGS]

972
00:46:19,987 --> 00:46:21,118
[DINGS]

973
00:46:24,905 --> 00:46:26,515
[TYPEWRITER DINGS]

974
00:46:30,476 --> 00:46:32,260
[BAND PLAYS JAZZ TUNE]

975
00:46:32,434 --> 00:46:35,002
♪ And you can't tell
The depth of a well ♪

976
00:46:35,176 --> 00:46:37,744
♪ By the length
Of the handle on the pump ♪

977
00:46:37,918 --> 00:46:42,618
♪ Baby, how can you
Tell about me? ♪

978
00:46:42,792 --> 00:46:44,794
♪ Now, you can't tell
A bottle by the label ♪

979
00:46:44,968 --> 00:46:47,580
[MAN WHOOPS]
♪ That's how it is with me ♪

980
00:46:47,754 --> 00:46:50,583
♪ Some folks call me a ladle ♪

981
00:46:50,757 --> 00:46:54,500
♪ Give me a chance
And you'll see, yow! ♪

982
00:46:54,674 --> 00:46:56,632
♪ You can't tell
The depth of a well ♪

983
00:46:56,806 --> 00:46:58,721
♪ By the length of the handle
On the pump ♪

984
00:46:58,895 --> 00:46:59,766
Thank you, boo.

985
00:46:59,940 --> 00:47:03,422
♪ Baby, baby, baby ♪

986
00:47:03,596 --> 00:47:07,251
♪ Baby, baby
Baby, baby, baby ♪

987
00:47:07,426 --> 00:47:10,951
♪ How can you tell about me?
Hey! ♪

988
00:47:11,125 --> 00:47:12,561
All right, now,

989
00:47:12,735 --> 00:47:14,955
make sure you make a donation.
[CROWD CHEERING]

990
00:47:15,129 --> 00:47:16,826
Thank you,
we'll see you in a few months.

991
00:47:17,000 --> 00:47:18,219
We're going on tour.

992
00:47:18,393 --> 00:47:21,178
A tour. Four months, 50 cities.

993
00:47:21,352 --> 00:47:23,398
Theaters, clubs.
And we got a tour bus.

994
00:47:23,572 --> 00:47:25,269
Can you believe it?
Man, it's awesome.

995
00:47:25,444 --> 00:47:27,010
I'm in, all the way.
Awesome.

996
00:47:27,184 --> 00:47:28,882
All right, guys, I'll see y'all later.

997
00:47:29,056 --> 00:47:30,449
See you.
That's cool.

998
00:47:31,841 --> 00:47:33,277
You sounded great.

999
00:47:34,714 --> 00:47:37,281
What are you doing here?
Em, I'm sorry.

1000
00:47:37,456 --> 00:47:39,588
I messed up. Please.

1001
00:47:39,762 --> 00:47:43,462
It's too late. I've moved on.
I met someone and we're in love.

1002
00:47:43,636 --> 00:47:45,159
What? Already?

1003
00:47:45,333 --> 00:47:46,552
Mm-hm.
Bullshit.

1004
00:47:46,726 --> 00:47:48,467
He's over there. Wanna meet him?
Okay.

1005
00:47:48,641 --> 00:47:50,338
Come on, you'll see if it's bullshit or not.

1006
00:47:50,512 --> 00:47:51,687
Let's see your bullshit.

1007
00:47:51,861 --> 00:47:53,472
Hey.
Hey, old man.

1008
00:47:53,646 --> 00:47:56,170
Hi. Hey, you were great.
I mean, that was just terrific.

1009
00:47:56,344 --> 00:47:57,998
EMMA: Thank you.
What is going on here?

1010
00:47:58,172 --> 00:48:02,916
Oh. Charlie, this is my ex-boyfriend,
Dwayne St. John.

1011
00:48:03,090 --> 00:48:05,266
Oh, I hear you're a fan.
Thank you.

1012
00:48:05,440 --> 00:48:08,225
This is your boyfriend?
No, he's my bae.

1013
00:48:08,399 --> 00:48:11,315
You used my auction thing!
Oh, yeah, all $22 of it.

1014
00:48:11,490 --> 00:48:14,188
And thank you.
It's the first day of the rest of my life.

1015
00:48:14,362 --> 00:48:15,885
Ain't that right?

1016
00:48:16,059 --> 00:48:17,626
Yeah. Heh-heh.

1017
00:48:17,800 --> 00:48:21,064
I love everything you do.
And now he's doing me. Ha!

1018
00:48:21,238 --> 00:48:22,892
Ain't that right, Charlie?

1019
00:48:23,066 --> 00:48:26,113
You got that right... baby.
Mm-hm.

1020
00:48:26,287 --> 00:48:28,202
We are late for lunch.
Uh-huh.

1021
00:48:28,376 --> 00:48:32,162
And I would love a seafood salad right now.

1022
00:48:32,336 --> 00:48:34,425
Okay.
This is so crazy.

1023
00:48:34,600 --> 00:48:37,994
I'm-- in acting class,
I was doing the scene from your play--

1024
00:48:38,168 --> 00:48:40,170
Do you wanna just take a picture?

1025
00:48:40,344 --> 00:48:42,042
Could I? Okay with you, sir?
Sure.

1026
00:48:42,216 --> 00:48:43,870
Man, this is amazing.
I'll take it.

1027
00:48:44,044 --> 00:48:46,220
I know the password already.

1028
00:48:46,394 --> 00:48:48,701
All right, get closer.

1029
00:48:48,875 --> 00:48:50,093
Okay, now, smile.

1030
00:48:50,267 --> 00:48:51,573
Put your hands up in the air.

1031
00:48:51,747 --> 00:48:53,488
Yeah, like you won something.

1032
00:48:53,662 --> 00:48:54,924
Aah! ha-ha!
Mm-hm.

1033
00:48:55,098 --> 00:48:56,752
There you go. Okay.
Charlie, come over here.

1034
00:48:56,926 --> 00:48:58,493
Is this good enough?

1035
00:48:59,886 --> 00:49:01,061
[LAUGHS]

1036
00:49:01,235 --> 00:49:02,628
Now you'll always remember

1037
00:49:02,802 --> 00:49:05,195
what me and your idol look like together.

1038
00:49:05,369 --> 00:49:06,632
Bye-bye.

1039
00:49:09,286 --> 00:49:10,592
[SIGHS]

1040
00:49:10,766 --> 00:49:12,420
[♪♪♪]

1041
00:49:12,594 --> 00:49:15,379
You okay?
I will be.

1042
00:49:15,554 --> 00:49:18,208
I want some ice cream.
Okay.

1043
00:49:18,382 --> 00:49:20,820
SERVER: And a triple vegan delight.

1044
00:49:20,994 --> 00:49:23,213
Wow, that looks like the Olympic torch.

1045
00:49:23,387 --> 00:49:25,694
SERVER [LAUGHS]:
Hey, I gotta change the name.

1046
00:49:29,698 --> 00:49:31,874
So when would you leave?

1047
00:49:32,048 --> 00:49:35,051
In like a month or so.
It's crazy how things happened.

1048
00:49:35,225 --> 00:49:39,534
This record producer saw our videos and...

1049
00:49:39,708 --> 00:49:42,276
he was digging us,
next thing you know, bam!

1050
00:49:42,450 --> 00:49:45,932
We going on tour for four months,
on a tour bus,

1051
00:49:46,106 --> 00:49:49,022
and we're already talking
about doing an album, it's--

1052
00:49:49,196 --> 00:49:51,328
Charlie, I'm sorry.
I'm doing all the talking.

1053
00:49:51,502 --> 00:49:53,548
You said something good happened?

1054
00:49:53,722 --> 00:49:56,638
I wrote last night.
You did? That's awesome.

1055
00:49:56,812 --> 00:49:58,640
It was fantastic.
Just like the old days.

1056
00:49:58,814 --> 00:50:02,122
Itzhak Perlman starting playing,
and I started writing.

1057
00:50:02,296 --> 00:50:03,863
Izzy Perlman?
Who's Izzy Perlman?

1058
00:50:04,037 --> 00:50:05,429
Not Izzy Perlman.

1059
00:50:05,604 --> 00:50:08,389
Izzy Pearlman sold my
parents Venetian blinds.

1060
00:50:08,563 --> 00:50:11,044
Itzhak Perlman is one
of the greatest violinists

1061
00:50:11,218 --> 00:50:13,742
in the world.
Ask your phone who he is!

1062
00:50:13,916 --> 00:50:15,439
He lives in the building behind me

1063
00:50:15,614 --> 00:50:17,311
and he likes to practice at night.

1064
00:50:17,485 --> 00:50:20,488
I just open my window and it's
like a free Itzhak festival.

1065
00:50:20,662 --> 00:50:23,534
It's one of the reasons
Carrie and I bought the place.

1066
00:50:26,407 --> 00:50:27,408
Ooh!

1067
00:50:29,584 --> 00:50:31,020
What was that for?

1068
00:50:31,194 --> 00:50:33,066
I don't think I would've written anything

1069
00:50:33,240 --> 00:50:34,763
if you didn't get me started.

1070
00:50:36,069 --> 00:50:38,332
You're welcome.
Thank you.

1071
00:50:38,506 --> 00:50:39,768
Tink.

1072
00:50:39,942 --> 00:50:41,117
[CHUCKLES]

1073
00:50:41,291 --> 00:50:42,858
Hey, um...

1074
00:50:43,032 --> 00:50:44,512
Are you doing anything right now?

1075
00:50:44,686 --> 00:50:47,428
No.
It's my day off.

1076
00:50:47,602 --> 00:50:48,647
Wanna have some laughs?

1077
00:50:48,821 --> 00:50:51,171
Hell, yeah.
Come on.

1078
00:50:51,345 --> 00:50:54,478
EMMA: Wax museum?
CHARLIE: Trust me, it's fun.

1079
00:50:54,653 --> 00:50:56,611
EMMA:
Don't tell me there's one of you here.

1080
00:50:56,785 --> 00:50:58,004
CHARLIE: Come on.
EMMA: Heh, okay.

1081
00:50:58,178 --> 00:50:59,745
[♪♪♪]

1082
00:50:59,919 --> 00:51:02,225
This is Marilyn Monroe
from The Seven Year Itch.

1083
00:51:02,399 --> 00:51:03,836
Mm. I'd be itchy too

1084
00:51:04,010 --> 00:51:06,577
if I had hot subway air blowing up my ass.

1085
00:51:06,752 --> 00:51:08,449
Is that who I think it is?

1086
00:51:09,842 --> 00:51:11,974
EMMA: Hello, Dalai.
[CHARLIE LAUGHS]

1087
00:51:12,148 --> 00:51:14,411
Come on, queen.
Smile, girl. Smile.

1088
00:51:16,196 --> 00:51:18,198
CHARLIE:
What could he possibly be thinking?

1089
00:51:19,939 --> 00:51:21,680
"Shouldn't have had the seafood salad."

1090
00:51:21,854 --> 00:51:23,333
[LAUGHS]

1091
00:51:23,507 --> 00:51:25,248
CHARLIE: Picasso.
EMMA: I don't dig him.

1092
00:51:25,422 --> 00:51:26,423
CHARLIE: Why?
Sexist.

1093
00:51:26,597 --> 00:51:27,947
If I did a painting of you

1094
00:51:28,121 --> 00:51:29,426
with three willies,
would you be happy?

1095
00:51:29,600 --> 00:51:31,341
CHARLIE: I'd be ecstatic.
[EMMA LAUGHS]

1096
00:51:31,515 --> 00:51:33,604
CHARLIE [IN GERMAN ACCENT]:
The Theory of Relativity

1097
00:51:33,779 --> 00:51:35,563
is never lend your relatives money.

1098
00:51:35,737 --> 00:51:37,826
You can kiss that ten bucks goodbye.

1099
00:51:38,000 --> 00:51:40,176
[LAUGHS]

1100
00:51:40,350 --> 00:51:42,701
CHARLIE [IN GRAVELLY VOICE]:
Golda, tell me again. I don't understand.

1101
00:51:42,875 --> 00:51:44,180
EMMA [IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]:
Okay, Mr. Arafat.

1102
00:51:44,354 --> 00:51:46,487
It's "Chanukah,"
not "Hanukkah."

1103
00:51:46,661 --> 00:51:48,097
CHARLIE:
I'm having trouble with the "hucch."

1104
00:51:48,271 --> 00:51:50,230
I'm having trouble with the "hucch"!

1105
00:51:50,404 --> 00:51:53,320
CHARLIE [IN NORMAL VOICE]:
Pope? Party of five?

1106
00:51:53,494 --> 00:51:55,061
[IMITATES NIXON]
I am not a crook.

1107
00:51:55,235 --> 00:51:56,627
CHARLIE [IMITATING REAGAN]:
Oh, bullshit, Dickie.

1108
00:51:56,802 --> 00:51:58,717
Then why are you so sweaty?
[EMMA LAUGHS]

1109
00:51:58,891 --> 00:52:00,675
EMMA [IN NORMAL VOICE]:
Man, he is really cross-eyed.

1110
00:52:00,849 --> 00:52:02,372
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
That's why he didn't find

1111
00:52:02,546 --> 00:52:04,244
any weapons of mass destruction.

1112
00:52:04,418 --> 00:52:05,854
[BOTH LAUGHING]

1113
00:52:07,334 --> 00:52:09,118
EMMA: So you have two kids, right?

1114
00:52:09,292 --> 00:52:12,513
Yeah. Francine teaches math at
a middle school in New Jersey.

1115
00:52:12,687 --> 00:52:14,907
Uh-huh.
And my son Rex is an architect.

1116
00:52:15,081 --> 00:52:17,692
And, uh, Rex is a...

1117
00:52:17,866 --> 00:52:19,520
He's a pretty brilliant kid.

1118
00:52:19,694 --> 00:52:21,087
Well, he should be.
He was born

1119
00:52:21,261 --> 00:52:22,871
at the American Museum of Natural History.

1120
00:52:23,045 --> 00:52:24,525
[BOTH LAUGH]

1121
00:52:24,699 --> 00:52:26,919
This was so nice. Thank you.

1122
00:52:30,096 --> 00:52:32,315
I wanna ask you a question.

1123
00:52:32,489 --> 00:52:34,187
And I'm a little nervous about it,

1124
00:52:34,361 --> 00:52:37,625
because I don't remember the
last time I asked this, if ever.

1125
00:52:39,670 --> 00:52:42,891
Would like to be my date for
my granddaughter's bat mitzvah?

1126
00:52:43,065 --> 00:52:45,676
Her name is Lindsay
and she's the love of my life.

1127
00:52:45,851 --> 00:52:47,896
And it would be like
a goodbye party for you,

1128
00:52:48,070 --> 00:52:49,985
except it's a bat mitzvah
and not for you.

1129
00:52:50,159 --> 00:52:53,554
I've never been to a bat mitzvah before.
When is it?

1130
00:52:53,728 --> 00:52:56,383
I don't remember, but it's soon.
Way to narrow it down.

1131
00:52:56,557 --> 00:52:59,821
I have the invitation--
doesn't matter when it is.

1132
00:52:59,995 --> 00:53:01,605
I'd be happy to go.
Yeah?

1133
00:53:01,780 --> 00:53:04,304
But only on one condition.
What's that?

1134
00:53:04,478 --> 00:53:06,306
That we dance together.
Oh, no, no, no.

1135
00:53:06,480 --> 00:53:08,525
You don't understand.
I'm a dangerous dancer,

1136
00:53:08,699 --> 00:53:10,397
one of the few with mambo insurance.

1137
00:53:10,571 --> 00:53:13,966
Oh, come on, Charlie.
It'll be so much fun.

1138
00:53:14,140 --> 00:53:16,185
All right. But to be on the safe side,

1139
00:53:16,359 --> 00:53:17,926
wear a helmet and shoulder pads.

1140
00:53:18,100 --> 00:53:19,885
Done.
Great.

1141
00:53:20,059 --> 00:53:22,931
[♪♪♪]

1142
00:53:48,304 --> 00:53:49,828
What's the matter, Carrie?

1143
00:53:50,002 --> 00:53:52,178
I just don't want the summer to be over.

1144
00:53:52,352 --> 00:53:54,180
CHARLIE: Well...

1145
00:53:54,354 --> 00:53:56,922
maybe we just keep
our summer going forever.

1146
00:53:59,315 --> 00:54:00,839
Good idea, Charlie Burnz.

1147
00:54:22,904 --> 00:54:26,212
Stop sign...
left.

1148
00:54:26,386 --> 00:54:28,692
Whoa, sorry, pal.
You can't go this way. Not safe.

1149
00:54:28,867 --> 00:54:31,826
This is the way I go.
Sir, go this way. Not safe here.

1150
00:54:32,000 --> 00:54:34,698
I don't know that way.
You gotta go that way.

1151
00:54:34,873 --> 00:54:37,614
I don't know that way,
this is the way I go every day.

1152
00:54:37,788 --> 00:54:40,095
It's a new day.
Cross the street and you'll be fine.

1153
00:54:40,269 --> 00:54:43,707
No! I have to go this way!
Hey, pal, come on. Move!

1154
00:54:43,882 --> 00:54:45,709
[GASPS]
[YELPS, THEN GROANS]

1155
00:54:46,885 --> 00:54:48,016
CHARLIE: Sorry.

1156
00:54:48,190 --> 00:54:49,844
BIKER: What's the matter with you?

1157
00:54:53,848 --> 00:54:57,765
That's the way I go.
I go that way.

1158
00:55:00,159 --> 00:55:01,856
[GASPS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]

1159
00:55:02,030 --> 00:55:05,729
DRIVER: What, are you crazy?
What are you doing?

1160
00:55:05,904 --> 00:55:08,819
Get the hell out of the way!
[HORN HONKING]

1161
00:55:08,994 --> 00:55:10,517
Hey!

1162
00:55:10,691 --> 00:55:13,041
You, old man!

1163
00:55:13,215 --> 00:55:15,000
Get the hell out of the way!

1164
00:55:15,174 --> 00:55:17,393
You're in the middle of the road!

1165
00:55:17,567 --> 00:55:19,134
What, are you deaf?

1166
00:55:21,745 --> 00:55:24,661
[♪♪♪]

1167
00:55:53,081 --> 00:55:54,430
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

1168
00:55:59,044 --> 00:56:00,828
Hey, old man! Am I crazy

1169
00:56:01,002 --> 00:56:03,483
or did you say your son
was born in a museum?

1170
00:56:06,007 --> 00:56:08,227
CHARLIE:
Look at the size of this thing, honey.

1171
00:56:08,401 --> 00:56:10,446
CARRIE: Charlie...
this is the only thing here

1172
00:56:10,620 --> 00:56:13,145
that's bigger than you.
Look at that wishbone!

1173
00:56:13,319 --> 00:56:15,234
CARRIE: Charlie.
What?

1174
00:56:15,408 --> 00:56:17,801
I think my water just broke.
What?

1175
00:56:17,976 --> 00:56:19,890
We gotta get you out of here.
[GROANING]

1176
00:56:20,065 --> 00:56:21,588
We gotta get you out of here.

1177
00:56:21,762 --> 00:56:23,633
CARRIE:
Oh!

1178
00:56:23,807 --> 00:56:26,375
I'm not gonna make it. Oh!
Honey-- I need a doctor!

1179
00:56:26,549 --> 00:56:28,508
I need a doctor!
What's the problem?

1180
00:56:28,682 --> 00:56:30,031
My wife's having a baby.
When?

1181
00:56:30,205 --> 00:56:31,641
Now!
I'm gonna ask the supervisor

1182
00:56:31,815 --> 00:56:33,643
if that's okay.
Are you kidding me?

1183
00:56:33,817 --> 00:56:35,341
I am a doctor.
What kind?

1184
00:56:35,515 --> 00:56:37,256
Proctologist. Okay.
Close enough.

1185
00:56:37,430 --> 00:56:39,475
Oh, God.
Oh, this baby's coming fast.

1186
00:56:39,649 --> 00:56:41,956
Can you do it somewhere else?
A tour group's coming through.

1187
00:56:42,130 --> 00:56:44,002
Really?!
I have a baby coming through!

1188
00:56:44,176 --> 00:56:46,265
Take a deep breath. Relax.
Call an ambulance now.

1189
00:56:46,439 --> 00:56:48,223
Copy that.
DOCTOR: Hi.

1190
00:56:48,397 --> 00:56:49,877
You should know my name.
It's Carrie.

1191
00:56:50,051 --> 00:56:51,357
Hi. Hello.
And that man

1192
00:56:51,531 --> 00:56:53,446
who looks so scared is Charlie!

1193
00:56:53,620 --> 00:56:56,057
Hi, Charlie.
He's the daddy.

1194
00:56:56,231 --> 00:56:57,450
DOCTOR: Good.
What's your name?

1195
00:56:57,624 --> 00:56:59,365
I'm Joe Katz. Okay?
Take a breath.

1196
00:56:59,539 --> 00:57:01,323
Relax. You're doing just great.

1197
00:57:01,497 --> 00:57:03,934
Now, listen.
I'll need to remove your underwear.

1198
00:57:04,109 --> 00:57:05,762
Oh, that's a bit aggressive

1199
00:57:05,936 --> 00:57:07,547
for our first date, don't you think?

1200
00:57:07,721 --> 00:57:09,723
There we go.
[CARRIE GROANING]

1201
00:57:09,897 --> 00:57:11,551
What should I do next?
CHARLIE: Nothing!

1202
00:57:11,725 --> 00:57:13,466
Sure? They gave us a class with the doll--

1203
00:57:13,640 --> 00:57:15,294
CHARLIE: Leave us alone!
Okay. Sorry.

1204
00:57:15,468 --> 00:57:18,645
Charlie. This is like that time
at Rye Playland, remember?

1205
00:57:18,819 --> 00:57:21,430
At the top of the Ferris wheel?
We were so drunk!

1206
00:57:21,604 --> 00:57:23,041
[CHUCKLES]
Are you okay?

1207
00:57:23,215 --> 00:57:24,825
CHARLIE: Just trying to think.

1208
00:57:24,999 --> 00:57:26,740
Who took your panties off at Rye Playland?
I wasn't there.

1209
00:57:26,914 --> 00:57:28,568
What?
It was Coney Island!

1210
00:57:28,742 --> 00:57:30,483
Oh, you're right!

1211
00:57:30,657 --> 00:57:32,920
Oh, God.
Okay, lean forward slowly.

1212
00:57:33,094 --> 00:57:35,270
And you're gonna push when I tell you.

1213
00:57:35,444 --> 00:57:37,881
Carrie, you're doing great.
Hey! What are you looking at?

1214
00:57:38,056 --> 00:57:39,753
Ew!
Get these scouts out of here!

1215
00:57:39,927 --> 00:57:41,407
Come on, guys. Let's go.

1216
00:57:41,581 --> 00:57:44,323
Come on, boys.This is bullshit!

1217
00:57:44,497 --> 00:57:46,412
CHARLIE: You too!
Copy that. And just a reminder:

1218
00:57:46,586 --> 00:57:48,109
We close at 5.
Get out of here!

1219
00:57:48,283 --> 00:57:50,372
[YELLING]
Okay. The baby's here.

1220
00:57:50,546 --> 00:57:51,808
The baby's here.

1221
00:57:51,982 --> 00:57:53,984
So a big, deep breath and a big push, okay?

1222
00:57:54,159 --> 00:57:56,291
You can do it. There you go.
Okay.

1223
00:57:56,465 --> 00:57:58,206
[GRUNTING]

1224
00:57:58,380 --> 00:58:00,904
[♪♪♪]

1225
00:58:02,428 --> 00:58:04,473
[BABY CRYING]
[CARRIE GASPS]

1226
00:58:04,647 --> 00:58:07,389
Okay. Here you go. Here you go.

1227
00:58:07,563 --> 00:58:09,261
Here you go.
Oh!

1228
00:58:09,435 --> 00:58:12,481
It's a boy.
It's a boy. It's a boy.

1229
00:58:12,655 --> 00:58:15,093
[LAUGHING]

1230
00:58:15,267 --> 00:58:16,746
CARRIE [WHISPERS]: Hey, Charlie.

1231
00:58:16,920 --> 00:58:17,921
Yeah?

1232
00:58:19,184 --> 00:58:21,055
Let's name him Rex.

1233
00:58:21,229 --> 00:58:23,362
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

1234
00:58:23,536 --> 00:58:25,277
That's the perfect name.

1235
00:58:26,843 --> 00:58:28,193
Heh, I'm really glad

1236
00:58:28,367 --> 00:58:30,151
we didn't have him under that big whale.

1237
00:58:30,325 --> 00:58:33,067
Yeah.
Because Moby Dick Burnz

1238
00:58:33,241 --> 00:58:35,417
would be a terrible name for our son.

1239
00:58:35,591 --> 00:58:37,637
He'd have so much trouble at school.

1240
00:58:37,811 --> 00:58:39,117
[LAUGHS QUIETLY]

1241
00:58:39,291 --> 00:58:41,902
Oh, I love you, Charlie Burnz.

1242
00:58:44,470 --> 00:58:46,124
[WHISPERS]
I love you too.

1243
00:58:57,352 --> 00:59:00,225
[♪♪♪]

1244
00:59:05,882 --> 00:59:10,104
CHARLIE: What do my baby boy
and a T-Rex have in common?

1245
00:59:10,278 --> 00:59:11,671
[CHUCKLES]

1246
00:59:11,845 --> 00:59:15,414
One is extinct,
the other just stinks!

1247
00:59:18,634 --> 00:59:22,508
All right, Roger.
We'll cue you in five, four...

1248
00:59:22,682 --> 00:59:25,728
Three, two, one...

1249
00:59:25,902 --> 00:59:27,643
Good evening.
And welcome to another episode

1250
00:59:27,817 --> 00:59:30,124
of Old People Who Have Always Looked Old!

1251
00:59:30,298 --> 00:59:31,952
Tonight's subjects are Keith Richards

1252
00:59:32,126 --> 00:59:33,562
and the late Mother Teresa.

1253
00:59:33,736 --> 00:59:35,825
Oh, boy. Did you hear it?
Yeah. I did.

1254
00:59:35,999 --> 00:59:37,914
How does he get away with this?
I don't know.

1255
00:59:38,088 --> 00:59:40,569
[CHUCKLES]
All right, listen.

1256
00:59:40,743 --> 00:59:42,049
These sketch ideas are good,

1257
00:59:42,223 --> 00:59:44,138
but they don't always have to be so big.

1258
00:59:44,312 --> 00:59:46,445
Sketches can be small, more personal.

1259
00:59:46,619 --> 00:59:47,794
Something about yourself,

1260
00:59:47,968 --> 00:59:49,578
maybe about your girlfriend or something.

1261
00:59:49,752 --> 00:59:51,754
That would be a problem.
Why is that?

1262
00:59:51,928 --> 00:59:54,714
I don't have one.
I'm incredibly single.

1263
00:59:54,888 --> 00:59:56,194
See? That's funny.

1264
00:59:56,368 --> 00:59:58,718
That I eat every meal alone?

1265
00:59:58,892 --> 01:00:01,242
Oh, that's hilarious.
Heh, no, no.

1266
01:00:01,416 --> 01:00:03,462
I'm talking about a character for the show.

1267
01:00:03,636 --> 01:00:05,072
The incredibly single guy.

1268
01:00:05,246 --> 01:00:06,726
It's different than being single.

1269
01:00:06,900 --> 01:00:08,118
It's incredibly single.

1270
01:00:08,293 --> 01:00:09,772
There might be something funny in that.

1271
01:00:09,946 --> 01:00:11,687
Right.
Find out what's funny about you

1272
01:00:11,861 --> 01:00:14,995
and then write about it.
Okay. I'll try that.

1273
01:00:15,169 --> 01:00:17,780
Okay.
Can I tell you something?

1274
01:00:17,954 --> 01:00:19,391
Yeah.

1275
01:00:19,565 --> 01:00:21,871
When I was at Harvard,
I had a humor class

1276
01:00:22,045 --> 01:00:23,830
and I wrote a paper as you.

1277
01:00:24,918 --> 01:00:26,093
Really?
Yeah.

1278
01:00:26,267 --> 01:00:27,877
I read all your plays,

1279
01:00:28,051 --> 01:00:29,575
I knew your movie scripts.

1280
01:00:29,749 --> 01:00:31,446
I could even tell what jokes were yours

1281
01:00:31,620 --> 01:00:33,405
on whatever TV show you were writing on.

1282
01:00:33,579 --> 01:00:35,233
So I wrote a paper in your style.

1283
01:00:35,407 --> 01:00:36,799
Like you were at Harvard.

1284
01:00:36,973 --> 01:00:40,716
Wow. And how did it do?
Got an F.

1285
01:00:40,890 --> 01:00:41,717
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

1286
01:00:41,891 --> 01:00:43,197
The professor said

1287
01:00:43,371 --> 01:00:44,894
we already have a great Charlie Burnz.

1288
01:00:45,068 --> 01:00:48,681
We don't have a great Darrell Green yet.
He was right.

1289
01:00:48,855 --> 01:00:51,858
Anyway, um, working with you
and knowing you

1290
01:00:52,032 --> 01:00:53,555
is really special to me.

1291
01:00:53,729 --> 01:00:55,470
Oh, thank you, Darrell.

1292
01:00:55,644 --> 01:00:58,560
Listen, while I go get one of the crew

1293
01:00:58,734 --> 01:01:01,346
to vacuum out the smoke
you just blew up my ass,

1294
01:01:01,520 --> 01:01:03,435
take a whack at the incredibly single guy,

1295
01:01:03,609 --> 01:01:05,437
see if there's something funny.
Deal.

1296
01:01:05,611 --> 01:01:06,612
Good.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]

1297
01:01:06,786 --> 01:01:08,309
Oh, sorry.

1298
01:01:08,483 --> 01:01:11,660
Um... hello?
Hi.

1299
01:01:11,834 --> 01:01:13,575
Hi, yeah.
No, I--

1300
01:01:14,968 --> 01:01:16,752
What to wear?

1301
01:01:16,926 --> 01:01:19,102
Oh, I don't--

1302
01:01:19,277 --> 01:01:22,105
Well, how vintage?
That's very vintage.

1303
01:01:22,280 --> 01:01:23,368
Yeah, heh-heh.

1304
01:01:23,542 --> 01:01:25,195
No, listen, uh...
I'm at work,

1305
01:01:25,370 --> 01:01:26,936
so can I call you back?

1306
01:01:27,110 --> 01:01:29,330
Okay. Uh, bye.

1307
01:01:32,638 --> 01:01:36,076
I'm taking a date to my
granddaughter's bat mitzvah.

1308
01:01:36,250 --> 01:01:39,384
She's a... really fun person.
Never been to one before.

1309
01:01:39,558 --> 01:01:42,256
Neither have I. Can I go too?
[LAUGHS]

1310
01:01:42,430 --> 01:01:44,824
I think one surprise for my
family is all they can handle.

1311
01:01:44,998 --> 01:01:47,392
And believe me, this young
woman is full of surprises.

1312
01:01:47,566 --> 01:01:49,307
She sounds cool.
Yeah, she is.

1313
01:01:49,481 --> 01:01:51,744
She's, uh--
she's very cool.

1314
01:01:51,918 --> 01:01:52,962
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

1315
01:01:54,312 --> 01:01:56,314
What?
Well...

1316
01:01:56,488 --> 01:01:57,750
you're blushing.

1317
01:01:57,924 --> 01:02:00,405
Your face is a little red.
Oh, that's...

1318
01:02:00,579 --> 01:02:02,276
blood pressure. Yeah.
Oh.

1319
01:02:02,450 --> 01:02:04,322
Shouldn't have had the hot dog. Heh, it's--

1320
01:02:04,496 --> 01:02:06,498
See you in a little bit.
Bye.

1321
01:02:08,282 --> 01:02:10,545
LINDSAY:
Now that I'm a bat mitzvah girl,

1322
01:02:10,719 --> 01:02:13,374
um, I'd like to leave
you with this one story.

1323
01:02:13,548 --> 01:02:16,464
So I turned to Rabbi Teplis and I said:

1324
01:02:16,638 --> 01:02:19,032
"I've been studying for years and years,

1325
01:02:19,206 --> 01:02:21,426
and I ask you:
'What is the meaning of life?'

1326
01:02:21,600 --> 01:02:23,863
And you tell me life is a cookie?"

1327
01:02:24,037 --> 01:02:26,692
[ALL LAUGH]

1328
01:02:26,866 --> 01:02:29,347
And Rabbi Teplis looked at me and said:

1329
01:02:29,521 --> 01:02:30,826
"You mean it isn't?"

1330
01:02:31,000 --> 01:02:32,872
[ALL LAUGHING]

1331
01:02:35,962 --> 01:02:40,445
So anyways, to my parents,
I love you so much.

1332
01:02:41,837 --> 01:02:43,535
You've given me everything I have,

1333
01:02:43,709 --> 01:02:46,929
and I wouldn't be here without you.

1334
01:02:47,103 --> 01:02:50,368
Thank you so much. I love you.

1335
01:02:50,542 --> 01:02:53,066
HOST: Mazel tov!

1336
01:02:53,240 --> 01:02:55,242
[HOST SPEAKS IN HEBREW]

1337
01:02:55,416 --> 01:02:58,463
["HAVA NAGILA" PLAYING]

1338
01:02:59,986 --> 01:03:02,205
Let's get Lindsay up in the chair!

1339
01:03:02,380 --> 01:03:04,469
[ALL CHEERING]

1340
01:03:04,643 --> 01:03:05,948
MEN: One, two, three!

1341
01:03:06,122 --> 01:03:08,690
[LAUGHING]

1342
01:03:08,864 --> 01:03:10,910
HOST: Look out. Here comes Mom!

1343
01:03:11,084 --> 01:03:13,652
Up in the air, Francine.
[GASPS]

1344
01:03:13,826 --> 01:03:16,306
Bend your knees, boys.
Here comes Papa Charlie!

1345
01:03:16,481 --> 01:03:17,873
[YELPS]

1346
01:03:19,484 --> 01:03:20,963
Mazel tov!

1347
01:03:24,010 --> 01:03:26,316
Come on. Sit down.
[LAUGHS]

1348
01:03:27,709 --> 01:03:29,319
[ALL CHEER]

1349
01:03:29,494 --> 01:03:31,365
This is amazing!

1350
01:03:31,539 --> 01:03:33,541
That's it, God. I'm converting!

1351
01:03:33,715 --> 01:03:34,760
[LAUGHS]

1352
01:03:36,239 --> 01:03:37,980
[LAUGHS]

1353
01:03:45,771 --> 01:03:47,381
Hi.

1354
01:03:47,555 --> 01:03:49,078
I'm Francine.
I'm Lindsay's mom.

1355
01:03:49,252 --> 01:03:51,037
Mm. She is so special.

1356
01:03:51,211 --> 01:03:52,647
Oh.
You must be so proud.

1357
01:03:52,821 --> 01:03:54,997
Yeah.
I'm Emma, by the way.

1358
01:03:55,171 --> 01:03:56,782
Oh, hi.
Nice to meet you.

1359
01:03:56,956 --> 01:04:00,786
Yes, nice to meet you.
These spare ribs are delicious!

1360
01:04:00,960 --> 01:04:02,483
Oh, good.
Mm-hm.

1361
01:04:02,657 --> 01:04:04,703
So how long have you been dating my father?

1362
01:04:04,877 --> 01:04:08,707
What? No, no, no.
We're just friends.

1363
01:04:08,881 --> 01:04:11,666
I'm sure.
No. He's just really nice to me.

1364
01:04:11,840 --> 01:04:13,668
Mm-hm.
And I just love his writing.

1365
01:04:13,842 --> 01:04:15,757
Oh.

1366
01:04:15,931 --> 01:04:17,977
Okay. So, um...

1367
01:04:18,151 --> 01:04:20,806
So, what do you do, Emma?
For a living, I mean.

1368
01:04:20,980 --> 01:04:23,156
I'm a singer.
Wow.

1369
01:04:23,330 --> 01:04:25,288
Anything I might be familiar with?

1370
01:04:25,463 --> 01:04:26,725
No.

1371
01:04:26,899 --> 01:04:29,205
But we got a whole bunch of videos

1372
01:04:29,379 --> 01:04:32,252
that are blowing up on Instagram right now.

1373
01:04:32,426 --> 01:04:34,820
Cool.
You should come check us out.

1374
01:04:34,994 --> 01:04:37,736
We perform all over the city.
Where?

1375
01:04:37,910 --> 01:04:41,522
Uh... mostly underground.
Like clubs?

1376
01:04:41,696 --> 01:04:44,264
Sometimes, but more so subway stations.

1377
01:04:44,438 --> 01:04:48,398
Like, uh, Columbus Circle,
Union Square, Penn Station.

1378
01:04:48,573 --> 01:04:50,966
You gotta check us out.
You know what?

1379
01:04:51,140 --> 01:04:54,143
I'm gonna get me some more ribs
because I love meat.

1380
01:04:54,317 --> 01:04:56,406
Anything I could pet, I eat.

1381
01:04:56,581 --> 01:04:57,712
[CHUCKLES]

1382
01:05:03,239 --> 01:05:05,764
[SLOW JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

1383
01:05:08,941 --> 01:05:10,943
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

1384
01:05:11,117 --> 01:05:12,553
Lindsay...

1385
01:05:12,727 --> 01:05:14,860
I have to tell you how proud I am of you

1386
01:05:15,034 --> 01:05:17,384
that you wanted to have this bat mitzvah.

1387
01:05:17,558 --> 01:05:19,299
And I wanna give you something.

1388
01:05:24,783 --> 01:05:26,219
This...

1389
01:05:26,393 --> 01:05:28,351
This was your Grandma Carrie's.

1390
01:05:30,397 --> 01:05:31,659
And now it's yours.

1391
01:05:31,833 --> 01:05:33,835
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

1392
01:05:34,009 --> 01:05:35,358
Put your hair back.

1393
01:05:35,533 --> 01:05:37,665
See if I can...

1394
01:05:37,839 --> 01:05:39,798
Good. Oh, it looks perfect.

1395
01:05:39,972 --> 01:05:42,540
It's really pretty.
Yeah.

1396
01:05:42,714 --> 01:05:44,672
I'm giving you this...

1397
01:05:44,846 --> 01:05:47,806
because today is the first big step...

1398
01:05:47,980 --> 01:05:49,459
with so many more to come.

1399
01:05:50,635 --> 01:05:52,245
And I'll be there for you

1400
01:05:52,419 --> 01:05:53,420
for all of that.

1401
01:05:55,117 --> 01:05:57,903
And I can't wait to see
who you're gonna become.

1402
01:06:00,035 --> 01:06:01,297
I love you.

1403
01:06:02,734 --> 01:06:03,909
I love you too.

1404
01:06:05,388 --> 01:06:06,781
Thank you, Papa.

1405
01:06:11,394 --> 01:06:13,353
REX: Hey, Dad, by the way...

1406
01:06:13,527 --> 01:06:16,051
I got that job I was telling you about.

1407
01:06:16,225 --> 01:06:17,270
What job?

1408
01:06:18,488 --> 01:06:20,621
The building in Union Square.

1409
01:06:20,795 --> 01:06:22,884
Yeah. Anyway, they love my design.

1410
01:06:23,058 --> 01:06:25,583
Great. Isn't that great?

1411
01:06:25,757 --> 01:06:28,455
Good going, kid. Come here.
Come here. Come here.

1412
01:06:30,631 --> 01:06:34,026
That's great, huh?
You know, Rex is an architect.

1413
01:06:34,200 --> 01:06:36,898
I know. Anyone who's born in
a museum is bound to be smart.

1414
01:06:37,072 --> 01:06:38,857
[CHUCKLES]
He told you about that?

1415
01:06:39,031 --> 01:06:40,728
Yeah, he's very proud of you.

1416
01:06:43,339 --> 01:06:45,994
This is her first bat mitzvah.
What do you think so far?

1417
01:06:46,168 --> 01:06:48,344
It's okay so far.
Just okay?

1418
01:06:48,518 --> 01:06:50,216
In the beginning, it was really hot

1419
01:06:50,390 --> 01:06:52,784
with all the dancing
and the chairs up, but--

1420
01:06:52,958 --> 01:06:54,742
Ahem, all due respect to your tribe,

1421
01:06:54,916 --> 01:06:56,483
but it's a little dull now.

1422
01:06:56,657 --> 01:06:58,964
Well, the reading.
It'll pick up again.

1423
01:06:59,138 --> 01:07:01,270
Well, why don't we do
something to help a little?

1424
01:07:01,444 --> 01:07:03,403
Where you going?

1425
01:07:03,577 --> 01:07:05,100
Dad. Dad!

1426
01:07:06,580 --> 01:07:08,103
Hey, hey, hey.

1427
01:07:08,277 --> 01:07:10,497
Do you have the instrumental for...?

1428
01:07:12,238 --> 01:07:14,675
[ELECTRIC GUITAR
PLAYS CHORD OVER SPEAKERS]

1429
01:07:14,849 --> 01:07:16,851
Good evening, everybody.

1430
01:07:17,025 --> 01:07:18,810
Um, my name is Emma Payge.

1431
01:07:18,984 --> 01:07:22,509
I'm a very good friend of Papa Charlie's.
And, Lindsay,

1432
01:07:22,683 --> 01:07:25,207
could you please come
on down to the dance floor?

1433
01:07:25,381 --> 01:07:26,469
Uh...

1434
01:07:26,644 --> 01:07:28,036
This is my first time

1435
01:07:28,210 --> 01:07:30,430
ever coming to a bat mitzvah.

1436
01:07:30,604 --> 01:07:33,520
And I have to say,
so far, I feel so welcome.

1437
01:07:33,694 --> 01:07:35,261
I'm having such a good time.

1438
01:07:35,435 --> 01:07:37,872
DJ, hit that beat.

1439
01:07:38,046 --> 01:07:39,918
And this one's for you, Lindsay.

1440
01:07:40,092 --> 01:07:42,442
If you know the words
to the song, sing along.

1441
01:07:42,616 --> 01:07:45,706
If you don't, I wanna see you
dancing your heart out.

1442
01:07:45,880 --> 01:07:52,495
♪ Oh, come on
Come on, come on, come on ♪

1443
01:07:52,670 --> 01:07:59,285
♪ Didn't I make you feel
Like you were the only man? ♪

1444
01:08:00,503 --> 01:08:02,114
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

1445
01:08:04,116 --> 01:08:05,465
♪ Didn't I nearly give you ♪

1446
01:08:05,639 --> 01:08:07,206
♪ Everything a woman possibly can? ♪

1447
01:08:07,380 --> 01:08:09,904
[PEOPLE GASP]
[WOMEN LAUGHING]

1448
01:08:10,078 --> 01:08:14,909
♪ And each time I tell myself
That I think I've had enough ♪

1449
01:08:15,083 --> 01:08:17,825
♪ But what I'm gonna show you, baby ♪

1450
01:08:17,999 --> 01:08:20,132
♪ Is that a woman can be tough ♪

1451
01:08:20,306 --> 01:08:26,312
♪ Oh, come on
Come on, come on, come on ♪

1452
01:08:26,486 --> 01:08:28,096
♪ And take it! ♪

1453
01:08:28,270 --> 01:08:31,796
♪ Take another little piece
Of my heart now, baby ♪

1454
01:08:31,970 --> 01:08:33,841
♪ Oh, break it! ♪

1455
01:08:34,015 --> 01:08:37,932
♪ Break another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, darling ♪

1456
01:08:38,106 --> 01:08:40,979
♪ Oh, have a
Have another little piece ♪

1457
01:08:41,153 --> 01:08:44,286
♪ Of my heart, yeah, baby ♪

1458
01:08:44,460 --> 01:08:49,596
BOTH: ♪ You know you got it
If it makes you feel good ♪

1459
01:08:49,770 --> 01:08:51,990
Mm, mm, mm.

1460
01:08:52,164 --> 01:08:55,254
Come here, baby. Mm-hm.

1461
01:08:55,428 --> 01:08:57,212
♪ You're out there on the streets ♪

1462
01:08:57,386 --> 01:08:59,084
♪ All looking good ♪

1463
01:08:59,258 --> 01:09:01,303
♪ And, baby, deep down in your heart ♪

1464
01:09:01,477 --> 01:09:02,827
♪ You know that ain't right ♪

1465
01:09:03,001 --> 01:09:04,176
Mm-mm.

1466
01:09:04,350 --> 01:09:05,830
[CHUCKLES]

1467
01:09:06,004 --> 01:09:08,267
♪ Never, never, never, never ♪

1468
01:09:08,441 --> 01:09:11,444
♪ Never hear me when I cry ♪
Oh! Oh, my hip!

1469
01:09:12,967 --> 01:09:14,969
♪ But each time I tell myself ♪

1470
01:09:15,143 --> 01:09:17,798
♪ That I can't stand the pain ♪

1471
01:09:17,972 --> 01:09:22,890
♪ When you hold me in your arms
I'll sing it once again... ♪

1472
01:09:23,064 --> 01:09:25,893
No. Dad, she's--
she's fantastic.

1473
01:09:26,067 --> 01:09:29,418
She's fantastic.
♪ Come on, come on, come on ♪

1474
01:09:29,592 --> 01:09:32,378
♪ And take it!
Take another little piece ♪

1475
01:09:32,552 --> 01:09:34,554
♪ Of my heart, yeah, baby ♪

1476
01:09:36,774 --> 01:09:40,690
♪ Break another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, darling ♪

1477
01:09:40,865 --> 01:09:43,563
♪ Oh, have a
Have another little piece ♪

1478
01:09:43,737 --> 01:09:47,045
♪ Of my heart, yeah, baby ♪

1479
01:09:47,219 --> 01:09:52,659
ALL: ♪ You know you got it
If it makes you feel good ♪

1480
01:09:52,833 --> 01:09:54,356
[CROWD CHEERS]

1481
01:09:54,530 --> 01:09:56,706
All right. I see you!

1482
01:09:57,969 --> 01:09:59,927
There you go.

1483
01:10:00,101 --> 01:10:02,843
Yeah. Look here.

1484
01:10:03,017 --> 01:10:05,150
♪ I'mma need you to come on ♪

1485
01:10:05,324 --> 01:10:09,458
No. No, thank you.
♪ Come on, come on, come on ♪

1486
01:10:09,632 --> 01:10:11,373
♪ And take it! ♪
[YELPS]

1487
01:10:11,547 --> 01:10:15,247
♪ Take another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, baby ♪

1488
01:10:15,421 --> 01:10:17,815
♪ Break it!
Break another little piece ♪

1489
01:10:17,989 --> 01:10:19,817
♪ Of my heart, yeah, darling ♪

1490
01:10:22,384 --> 01:10:25,692
BOTH: ♪ Have another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, baby ♪

1491
01:10:27,215 --> 01:10:29,217
♪ You know you got it ♪

1492
01:10:29,391 --> 01:10:30,784
[YELLS]
Oh.

1493
01:10:30,958 --> 01:10:34,701
BOTH: ♪ If it makes you feel good ♪

1494
01:10:37,573 --> 01:10:39,358
EMMA: Francine is amazing!

1495
01:10:39,532 --> 01:10:41,839
Oh, mazel tov to all of you.

1496
01:10:42,013 --> 01:10:43,623
Mazel tov.

1497
01:10:43,797 --> 01:10:45,581
You rocked that shul.

1498
01:10:45,755 --> 01:10:47,583
I mean, it was like Shabbos Night Live.

1499
01:10:47,757 --> 01:10:49,411
[BOTH LAUGH]

1500
01:10:49,585 --> 01:10:51,065
You made the whole party.

1501
01:10:51,239 --> 01:10:53,502
I think I had more fun than your family did.

1502
01:10:53,676 --> 01:10:55,591
Why are they looking at me like that?

1503
01:10:55,765 --> 01:10:57,942
Do they not know what's going on here?

1504
01:10:58,116 --> 01:11:00,118
Actually, they don't.
Emma, listen.

1505
01:11:00,292 --> 01:11:01,641
You don't know everything.

1506
01:11:01,815 --> 01:11:03,512
I mean, there's a lot of hard feelings.

1507
01:11:03,686 --> 01:11:04,949
About what?

1508
01:11:06,211 --> 01:11:07,429
Well, they both--

1509
01:11:07,603 --> 01:11:08,996
Well, Francine especially.

1510
01:11:09,170 --> 01:11:11,607
I wasn't around enough when they were kids.

1511
01:11:11,781 --> 01:11:13,131
Which was probably true,

1512
01:11:13,305 --> 01:11:15,742
but I was working,
like, all the time.

1513
01:11:15,916 --> 01:11:19,572
Then after Carrie died, there
was a revolving door of nannies.

1514
01:11:19,746 --> 01:11:22,531
And when I was there...

1515
01:11:22,705 --> 01:11:26,187
I just had a lot of trouble
giving them what they needed.

1516
01:11:26,361 --> 01:11:28,189
I mean, I just was so sad.

1517
01:11:28,363 --> 01:11:30,409
And what do they have against me?

1518
01:11:30,583 --> 01:11:33,586
Well, after she passed away...

1519
01:11:33,760 --> 01:11:36,676
I didn't wanna get involved with anybody.
You know, I couldn't.

1520
01:11:36,850 --> 01:11:39,722
So I dated a lot of younger women.

1521
01:11:39,897 --> 01:11:41,637
So they probably looked at us

1522
01:11:41,811 --> 01:11:43,770
thinking there's something else
going on here.

1523
01:11:43,944 --> 01:11:45,641
I'm really sorry they upset you.

1524
01:11:45,815 --> 01:11:47,600
[VIOLIN STARTS PLAYING]

1525
01:11:47,774 --> 01:11:50,037
Ladies and gentlemen,
Itzhak Perlman.

1526
01:11:50,211 --> 01:11:51,778
[CHUCKLES]
That's him.

1527
01:11:51,952 --> 01:11:54,041
Does he take requests?
Itzhak Perlman is a genius.

1528
01:11:54,215 --> 01:11:56,391
He doesn't take requests.
You still owe me a dance.

1529
01:11:56,565 --> 01:11:57,958
I danced with you.
I danced the horah.

1530
01:11:58,132 --> 01:11:59,177
The horah doesn't count.

1531
01:11:59,351 --> 01:12:00,569
The horah's a dance.

1532
01:12:00,743 --> 01:12:02,180
You run around,
they lift you up,

1533
01:12:02,354 --> 01:12:03,572
and you sweat into your clothes.

1534
01:12:03,746 --> 01:12:05,531
That's a dance.
Mm-mm. Doesn't count.

1535
01:12:05,705 --> 01:12:07,141
Come on, Charlie. We're dancing.

1536
01:12:07,315 --> 01:12:08,969
Come on.
We're gonna go dance.

1537
01:12:13,495 --> 01:12:16,237
Who dances to a violin concerto?
We do.

1538
01:12:16,411 --> 01:12:17,630
[BOTH LAUGH]

1539
01:12:17,804 --> 01:12:18,936
Okay.

1540
01:12:35,561 --> 01:12:36,997
What? Oh, there we go.

1541
01:12:37,171 --> 01:12:39,173
Look out. Look out.
[CHUCKLING]

1542
01:12:39,347 --> 01:12:40,479
Whoo!

1543
01:12:42,916 --> 01:12:44,918
[BOTH LAUGHING]

1544
01:13:12,990 --> 01:13:15,905
[♪♪♪]

1545
01:13:26,525 --> 01:13:28,396
[THUNDER RUMBLING]

1546
01:13:32,966 --> 01:13:34,881
[THUNDER CRASHING]

1547
01:13:37,188 --> 01:13:39,233
[BREATHING HEAVILY]

1548
01:13:46,197 --> 01:13:48,068
[GRUNTS SOFTLY]

1549
01:13:50,636 --> 01:13:52,377
[SIGHING]

1550
01:13:57,121 --> 01:13:58,296
CHARLIE: Whoa!
[GASPS]

1551
01:13:58,470 --> 01:13:59,732
Where have you been?

1552
01:13:59,906 --> 01:14:01,995
When?
The last eight hours or so.

1553
01:14:02,169 --> 01:14:03,475
Here.
And just so I know,

1554
01:14:03,649 --> 01:14:04,911
where have I been?
Here.

1555
01:14:05,085 --> 01:14:06,260
With you?
Yeah.

1556
01:14:06,434 --> 01:14:07,957
Oh, that's what I was afraid of.

1557
01:14:08,132 --> 01:14:10,177
Really?
I thought it was kind of nice.

1558
01:14:10,351 --> 01:14:13,354
Emma, I didn't want for this to happen.

1559
01:14:13,528 --> 01:14:15,704
I don't know what you mean
when you say "this."

1560
01:14:15,878 --> 01:14:19,752
But if the "this" you're
referring to is that "this,"

1561
01:14:19,926 --> 01:14:21,406
it didn't happen.

1562
01:14:21,580 --> 01:14:23,538
I got afraid of the thunder and lightning,

1563
01:14:23,712 --> 01:14:25,584
and I snuck in here and spooned you.

1564
01:14:25,758 --> 01:14:27,107
That's it. We just spooned.

1565
01:14:27,281 --> 01:14:28,717
That's it?

1566
01:14:28,891 --> 01:14:30,763
That's it.
Okay.

1567
01:14:30,937 --> 01:14:33,287
Look, you're an attractive older man,

1568
01:14:33,461 --> 01:14:35,463
but your little, frail body
would not be able

1569
01:14:35,637 --> 01:14:37,030
to handle all these groceries.

1570
01:14:37,204 --> 01:14:39,989
I'll break your back.
It's too heavy for you.

1571
01:14:40,164 --> 01:14:42,644
Can't ride this ride.
The ride is too bumpy.

1572
01:14:42,818 --> 01:14:46,474
You might dislocate your shoulder,
then you'd die.

1573
01:14:46,648 --> 01:14:48,868
Can't have that.

1574
01:14:49,042 --> 01:14:52,654
Anyways, thank you
for letting me sleep here.

1575
01:14:52,828 --> 01:14:54,613
Mwah! You're sweet, Charlie.

1576
01:14:54,787 --> 01:14:57,311
You might want to think about
getting some bigger boxers.

1577
01:14:57,485 --> 01:14:59,618
I'm not sure they can handle your groceries.

1578
01:14:59,792 --> 01:15:01,924
They's just too little.

1579
01:15:02,099 --> 01:15:06,233
WOMAN [OVER HEADPHONES]:
Three, two, one, now!

1580
01:15:06,407 --> 01:15:08,017
I first became incredibly single

1581
01:15:08,192 --> 01:15:09,802
when the fetus of my twin brother

1582
01:15:09,976 --> 01:15:12,631
left the womb a month ahead of me, because--

1583
01:15:12,805 --> 01:15:14,198
Well, he said he'd had enough.

1584
01:15:14,372 --> 01:15:16,113
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

1585
01:15:16,287 --> 01:15:17,940
This continued when I was an infant,

1586
01:15:18,115 --> 01:15:20,378
when my mom refused to breastfeed me.

1587
01:15:20,552 --> 01:15:23,903
She said, "Let's take things
slow and see where this goes."

1588
01:15:24,077 --> 01:15:25,383
[ALL LAUGHING]

1589
01:15:25,557 --> 01:15:27,602
And now I live in this studio apartment,

1590
01:15:27,776 --> 01:15:29,343
where I lie awake at night

1591
01:15:29,517 --> 01:15:33,391
and fantasize about having sex
with another person.

1592
01:15:33,565 --> 01:15:36,350
Which would be fun...
so I've heard.

1593
01:15:37,917 --> 01:15:39,745
And I think I'd be a pretty good lover.

1594
01:15:39,919 --> 01:15:44,053
Find those hard-to-find spots
that drive the women wild.

1595
01:15:44,228 --> 01:15:46,926
Because I have Google Maps.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

1596
01:15:47,100 --> 01:15:49,233
"In two inches, make a left."

1597
01:15:49,407 --> 01:15:51,278
[LAUGHS]

1598
01:15:55,978 --> 01:16:00,026
If you're also incredibly single
like me, why not give me a call?

1599
01:16:00,200 --> 01:16:02,681
If not...
[CHUCKLING]

1600
01:16:02,855 --> 01:16:04,683
...then the wrath of my god,

1601
01:16:04,857 --> 01:16:08,904
the great god Zoomgali,
who is also incredibly single,

1602
01:16:09,078 --> 01:16:10,515
will come and find you,

1603
01:16:10,689 --> 01:16:13,474
and the sounds will color the sky,

1604
01:16:13,648 --> 01:16:16,347
and he will come after you
and your loved ones,

1605
01:16:16,521 --> 01:16:19,393
and damn you to the fires of hell!

1606
01:16:19,567 --> 01:16:21,569
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1607
01:16:21,743 --> 01:16:23,136
So call me.

1608
01:16:26,270 --> 01:16:27,488
You're killing me.

1609
01:16:29,751 --> 01:16:32,189
Clear. Commercial. Two minutes.

1610
01:16:32,363 --> 01:16:34,669
That was you. That's you, dude.

1611
01:16:34,843 --> 01:16:36,802
Killed it!
Thanks.

1612
01:16:36,976 --> 01:16:38,238
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Oh, God.

1613
01:16:38,412 --> 01:16:40,109
I thought my phone was off. Sorry.

1614
01:16:40,284 --> 01:16:43,112
Hello. Yeah. I'm still
at the show. I can't talk.

1615
01:16:43,287 --> 01:16:45,289
I found it.
What did you find?

1616
01:16:45,463 --> 01:16:47,726
That great painting of that old house

1617
01:16:47,900 --> 01:16:50,337
that was hanging in the
empty space on your wall.

1618
01:16:50,511 --> 01:16:52,861
Oh, it's beautiful. I rehung it.

1619
01:16:53,035 --> 01:16:54,994
You're still at my house?

1620
01:16:55,168 --> 01:16:57,301
Yeah. But I'm about
to go back to my place.

1621
01:16:57,475 --> 01:16:59,172
Take it down.
What?

1622
01:16:59,346 --> 01:17:00,608
Take it down.
I don't wanna see it.

1623
01:17:00,782 --> 01:17:02,654
I'm sorry.
I thought you misplaced it.

1624
01:17:02,828 --> 01:17:04,569
Emma, I don't wanna see it,
understand?

1625
01:17:04,743 --> 01:17:05,961
I just don't wanna see it.

1626
01:17:06,135 --> 01:17:07,833
Get rid of it!
Fine.

1627
01:17:08,964 --> 01:17:10,531
[SIGHS]

1628
01:17:10,705 --> 01:17:13,839
New girlfriend?
Huh. I don't even know.

1629
01:17:14,013 --> 01:17:16,320
Hey, you were right.

1630
01:17:16,494 --> 01:17:18,452
He's gonna be good.
Yeah.

1631
01:17:18,626 --> 01:17:22,239
Three, two, one, now!

1632
01:17:22,413 --> 01:17:24,458
In the world of music,
Lady Gaga announced

1633
01:17:24,632 --> 01:17:27,766
she is changing
her name to "Lady Gagaga."

1634
01:17:27,940 --> 01:17:29,855
She gave no explanation for her decision.

1635
01:17:30,029 --> 01:17:32,031
According to a poll,
Americans are concerned

1636
01:17:32,205 --> 01:17:33,554
about a new axis of evil

1637
01:17:33,728 --> 01:17:35,469
that threatens our country's democracy.

1638
01:17:35,643 --> 01:17:37,297
North Korea, ISIS

1639
01:17:37,471 --> 01:17:39,908
and Senate Majority Leader
Mitch McConnell.

1640
01:17:40,082 --> 01:17:41,432
[SIGHS]

1641
01:17:43,782 --> 01:17:47,351
Uh... moving on.
No, no, no.

1642
01:17:47,525 --> 01:17:49,657
Is anyone bothered by this but me?

1643
01:17:49,831 --> 01:17:51,790
Do you hear that it's wrong?

1644
01:17:51,964 --> 01:17:54,227
Your emphasis--
You're an emphasis moron.

1645
01:17:54,401 --> 01:17:56,229
[ALL LAUGHING]

1646
01:17:56,403 --> 01:17:57,709
What the hell is he doing?

1647
01:17:57,883 --> 01:17:59,493
Everything you say is off.

1648
01:17:59,667 --> 01:18:02,801
It's not "wi fi," it's Wi-Fi.

1649
01:18:02,975 --> 01:18:07,153
It's not "polar ice caps,"
it's polar icecaps.

1650
01:18:07,327 --> 01:18:09,329
You are a comedy kamikaze.

1651
01:18:09,503 --> 01:18:12,767
Oh, wait. A "comma-kaze."
What the hell?

1652
01:18:12,941 --> 01:18:16,728
Anybody with a correct amount
of chromosomes...

1653
01:18:16,902 --> 01:18:18,817
would know that
it's Mitch McConnell,

1654
01:18:18,991 --> 01:18:20,558
not "Mitch-McConnell."

1655
01:18:20,732 --> 01:18:22,951
You make it sound like
there a lot of McConnells!

1656
01:18:23,125 --> 01:18:25,258
There's only one.
There's no Stewie McConnell.

1657
01:18:25,432 --> 01:18:28,000
Is there a Stewie McConnell
in the house? No!

1658
01:18:28,174 --> 01:18:30,394
What the hell is going on?
Should we cut to commercial?

1659
01:18:30,568 --> 01:18:33,527
Go to commercial?
This is live. Just stay on it.

1660
01:18:33,701 --> 01:18:35,312
Jesus Christ. No, I'm sorry.

1661
01:18:35,486 --> 01:18:37,226
"Jesus, Christ."
[ALL LAUGHING]

1662
01:18:37,401 --> 01:18:40,360
Who, of course,
was born in "Bethle-hem."

1663
01:18:40,534 --> 01:18:43,276
I even put it on the cue card,
because I had...

1664
01:18:43,450 --> 01:18:46,061
Know what this is?
I have no idea. No.

1665
01:18:46,235 --> 01:18:47,802
Thank you, Al. Look at this.

1666
01:18:47,976 --> 01:18:51,023
I had it written the exact
same size so you would know.

1667
01:18:51,197 --> 01:18:53,852
"Mitch McConnell,"
not "Mitch-McConnell."

1668
01:18:54,026 --> 01:18:55,506
Mitch McConnell, you see that?
Al.

1669
01:18:55,680 --> 01:18:57,943
Camera one, spin around.
Give me Al's reaction.

1670
01:18:58,117 --> 01:19:00,511
Yeah. Tell everybody.
Did I tell you that this would happen?

1671
01:19:00,685 --> 01:19:04,863
He told me this would happen.
Everybody. Exhibit A, Al!

1672
01:19:05,037 --> 01:19:06,430
Thank you, Al, you sweet--

1673
01:19:06,604 --> 01:19:09,041
Where is he going?
Get him. Follow him.

1674
01:19:09,215 --> 01:19:10,695
You.

1675
01:19:10,869 --> 01:19:13,175
Look. Look, ma'am,
what does that say?

1676
01:19:13,350 --> 01:19:14,960
"Mitch McConnell."
Thank you very much.

1677
01:19:15,134 --> 01:19:17,092
You, you. Stand up.
What does this say?

1678
01:19:17,266 --> 01:19:19,530
"Mitch McConnell."
Again. I can't hear you.

1679
01:19:19,704 --> 01:19:21,445
"Mitch McConnell."
We got a winner.

1680
01:19:21,619 --> 01:19:23,534
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Dang it.

1681
01:19:23,708 --> 01:19:26,232
Take anything off the top shelf,
goddamn it.

1682
01:19:26,406 --> 01:19:28,713
Everybody, tell me.
What does this say?

1683
01:19:28,887 --> 01:19:30,410
ALL: "Mitch McConnell."
Can't hear you.

1684
01:19:30,584 --> 01:19:31,977
"Mitch McConnell."
One more time.

1685
01:19:32,151 --> 01:19:33,500
"Mitch McConnell."
Thank you.

1686
01:19:33,674 --> 01:19:35,415
Roger, you're a very talented young guy.

1687
01:19:35,589 --> 01:19:36,938
But I have to tell you,

1688
01:19:37,112 --> 01:19:39,027
I am sick and tired of writing jokes for you

1689
01:19:39,201 --> 01:19:41,073
and having you abuse them,
you dumb turd.

1690
01:19:41,247 --> 01:19:42,291
Oh, boy.
[LAUGHS]

1691
01:19:42,466 --> 01:19:45,686
Dumb turd!
Everybody. Dumb turd!

1692
01:19:45,860 --> 01:19:48,515
ALL [CHANTING]:
Dumb turd! Dumb turd! Dumb turd!

1693
01:19:48,689 --> 01:19:50,561
Stand up. Dumb turd!

1694
01:19:50,735 --> 01:19:51,649
Dumb turd!

1695
01:19:51,823 --> 01:19:52,954
[LAUGHING]

1696
01:19:53,128 --> 01:19:54,695
ALL: Dumb turd! Dumb turd!

1697
01:19:54,869 --> 01:19:57,698
Mom, Dad, come here.
Papa Charlie is on television.

1698
01:19:57,872 --> 01:19:59,526
Dumb turd! Dumb turd!

1699
01:19:59,700 --> 01:20:01,572
[CHANTING CONTINUES]

1700
01:20:01,746 --> 01:20:04,226
I say dumb, you say turd!
Dumb...

1701
01:20:04,401 --> 01:20:05,271
ALL: Turd.
Dumb...

1702
01:20:05,445 --> 01:20:06,446
Oh, my God.

1703
01:20:06,620 --> 01:20:07,795
You say dumb, I say turd.

1704
01:20:07,969 --> 01:20:09,841
ALL: Dumb...
I need wide, wide, wide.

1705
01:20:10,015 --> 01:20:10,929
ALL: Dumb...
turd!

1706
01:20:11,103 --> 01:20:11,930
Dumb...
turd!

1707
01:20:12,104 --> 01:20:14,628
Dumb turd! Dumb turd!

1708
01:20:14,802 --> 01:20:17,109
ALL: Turd!
Turd! That's it, I'm done.

1709
01:20:17,283 --> 01:20:19,328
Thank you.
[ALL APPLAUDING]

1710
01:20:26,771 --> 01:20:29,600
Would you get those
damn birds out of your hair?

1711
01:20:29,774 --> 01:20:30,905
Larry!

1712
01:20:36,781 --> 01:20:40,393
Camera one. Back to Roger
and reset. Take one!

1713
01:20:40,567 --> 01:20:43,918
Thank you, "Charlie Burnz."
No, no! Charlie Burnz.

1714
01:20:44,092 --> 01:20:46,921
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
Sorry. I'll work on it.

1715
01:20:47,095 --> 01:20:49,750
That's the news of the night--
of the night.

1716
01:20:49,924 --> 01:20:51,535
The news of the--
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1717
01:20:51,709 --> 01:20:55,060
I guess I'm a dumb turd.

1718
01:20:55,234 --> 01:20:56,322
Thank you...

1719
01:20:56,496 --> 01:20:57,758
Good night.

1720
01:20:59,064 --> 01:21:00,848
MARGE: And we're clear!

1721
01:21:01,022 --> 01:21:01,936
What was that?

1722
01:21:02,110 --> 01:21:03,285
What the hell was that?

1723
01:21:03,460 --> 01:21:07,028
ALL: What the hell was that?
[LAUGHS]

1724
01:21:07,202 --> 01:21:09,074
Charlie, what was that?
That was hilarious.

1725
01:21:09,248 --> 01:21:10,641
The schmuck can't get a name right.

1726
01:21:10,815 --> 01:21:12,643
Really inspired idea, Charlie.

1727
01:21:12,817 --> 01:21:15,863
Oh, my God, Charlie.
That is live television.

1728
01:21:16,037 --> 01:21:18,213
Charlie, why didn't you tell me?

1729
01:21:18,387 --> 01:21:22,348
I haven't told my kids yet.
I bet they know now. We're live.

1730
01:21:22,522 --> 01:21:24,698
My fault. I should not
have gone back in there.

1731
01:21:24,872 --> 01:21:27,266
I'm so stupid. I'm just
so stupid. It's my fault!

1732
01:21:27,440 --> 01:21:30,008
Stupid? What are you talking about?
Everyone loved it.

1733
01:21:30,182 --> 01:21:32,924
When did you think of this?
Comes to me all the time.

1734
01:21:33,098 --> 01:21:34,839
Every second, it doesn't stop.

1735
01:21:35,013 --> 01:21:37,232
That's why it was so good.
It was so real.

1736
01:21:37,406 --> 01:21:39,408
Holy shit, you guys.
Twitter is blowing up.

1737
01:21:39,583 --> 01:21:41,889
They love you, Charlie.
They love the grumpy writer

1738
01:21:42,063 --> 01:21:43,761
who can't bear to see his words mangled.

1739
01:21:43,935 --> 01:21:46,459
They think you're funny, man.
Funny? Funny?

1740
01:21:46,633 --> 01:21:48,243
Saying I'll be back in a few minutes

1741
01:21:48,417 --> 01:21:51,116
and never seeing that person again is funny?

1742
01:21:51,290 --> 01:21:52,987
Charlie, what--?
It's not funny!

1743
01:21:53,161 --> 01:21:55,599
How can that be funny?
OFFICER: Are you Charlie Burnz?

1744
01:21:55,773 --> 01:21:58,602
[♪♪♪]

1745
01:21:58,776 --> 01:22:00,691
Charlie Burnz.

1746
01:22:00,865 --> 01:22:02,170
Mr. Burnz?

1747
01:22:03,781 --> 01:22:05,130
I'm Charlie Burnz.

1748
01:22:08,612 --> 01:22:10,570
Don't tell me that something's wrong.

1749
01:22:12,311 --> 01:22:13,312
BRAD: Charlie?

1750
01:22:14,661 --> 01:22:15,793
Charlie?

1751
01:22:18,752 --> 01:22:21,929
Nothing's wrong. It's okay.
You're all right, Charlie.

1752
01:22:23,191 --> 01:22:25,759
Hey, come back to my office.

1753
01:22:25,933 --> 01:22:28,893
Lie down for a little bit.
Yeah?

1754
01:22:29,067 --> 01:22:30,459
I'm so tired.

1755
01:22:30,634 --> 01:22:33,027
It's okay. It's okay.

1756
01:22:33,201 --> 01:22:35,247
Come on.
I'm really tired.

1757
01:22:35,421 --> 01:22:37,118
It's all right. It's all right.

1758
01:22:39,120 --> 01:22:41,775
Until tonight, he's been fine.
EMMA: Yeah.

1759
01:22:41,949 --> 01:22:43,211
Sometimes he's just great.

1760
01:22:43,385 --> 01:22:46,084
You'd never know he had a problem.

1761
01:22:46,258 --> 01:22:49,261
And then it'll just hit him,
but nothing like this.

1762
01:22:49,435 --> 01:22:51,350
I had no idea.

1763
01:22:51,524 --> 01:22:53,482
It's our secret.
Our?

1764
01:22:54,788 --> 01:22:56,660
Nobody else knows?
No.

1765
01:22:56,834 --> 01:22:58,183
Well, we have a problem.

1766
01:22:58,357 --> 01:23:00,185
Social media has blown up.
They love it.

1767
01:23:00,359 --> 01:23:02,274
Everybody is asking, "Who is this guy?"

1768
01:23:02,448 --> 01:23:03,841
They want him back next week.

1769
01:23:04,015 --> 01:23:05,407
I know it's gone viral.
Yeah.

1770
01:23:05,582 --> 01:23:08,410
You know, I'm very nervous
about what people--

1771
01:23:08,585 --> 01:23:10,499
We need to post something right away.

1772
01:23:10,674 --> 01:23:11,979
Twitter, Instagram.

1773
01:23:12,153 --> 01:23:13,807
Sorry to interrupt.
I just overheard.

1774
01:23:13,981 --> 01:23:16,723
Darrell, come on.
Let me do it, please.

1775
01:23:16,897 --> 01:23:18,595
I know what to say.

1776
01:23:20,205 --> 01:23:22,163
Okay. Good.

1777
01:23:22,337 --> 01:23:25,210
I have to run it by the network.
Okay.

1778
01:23:25,384 --> 01:23:28,343
Uh, this is Charlie's friend Emma.

1779
01:23:28,517 --> 01:23:30,519
This is Darrell,
he works with Charlie.

1780
01:23:30,694 --> 01:23:33,000
Hi.
Nice to meet you.

1781
01:23:33,174 --> 01:23:34,480
I'll get started.

1782
01:23:36,787 --> 01:23:37,918
What a night.

1783
01:23:39,485 --> 01:23:40,921
Okay, Charlie. There's the car.

1784
01:23:41,095 --> 01:23:42,923
Go ahead and get in.
Okay.

1785
01:23:43,097 --> 01:23:45,665
Yeah?
Yeah, I got it.

1786
01:23:45,839 --> 01:23:47,536
Thanks.
Hey, Charlie.

1787
01:23:47,711 --> 01:23:49,756
Yeah?
I just wanted to say good night

1788
01:23:49,930 --> 01:23:51,802
and make sure you're okay.

1789
01:23:51,976 --> 01:23:53,368
Thank you.
Yeah.

1790
01:23:53,542 --> 01:23:54,935
Hey, I, um--

1791
01:23:55,109 --> 01:23:57,111
I posted that:

1792
01:23:57,285 --> 01:24:00,071
"Tonight, Charlie Burnz
showed why he's a comedy legend

1793
01:24:00,245 --> 01:24:02,943
when he gave a hilarious
one-time-only performance

1794
01:24:03,117 --> 01:24:04,684
as a disgruntled writer.

1795
01:24:04,858 --> 01:24:06,338
Thank YOU, Charlie.

1796
01:24:06,512 --> 01:24:08,383
The crew and cast of This Just In.

1797
01:24:08,557 --> 01:24:10,255
Hashtag 'dumb turd.'"
[CHUCKLES]

1798
01:24:11,735 --> 01:24:13,171
And I put the "you" in all caps

1799
01:24:13,345 --> 01:24:15,347
so it was the wrong inflection.

1800
01:24:15,521 --> 01:24:16,957
Thanks, kid.

1801
01:24:17,131 --> 01:24:18,393
Good night, Charlie.

1802
01:24:18,567 --> 01:24:21,048
You know, Darrell here

1803
01:24:21,222 --> 01:24:23,094
is gonna be a terrific
writer someday.

1804
01:24:23,268 --> 01:24:24,399
[CHUCKLES]

1805
01:24:24,573 --> 01:24:25,662
I don't know.

1806
01:24:25,836 --> 01:24:27,098
I do.

1807
01:24:28,839 --> 01:24:30,188
I'll see you, kid.

1808
01:24:32,320 --> 01:24:35,628
VIDOR:
This is a scan of your brain in February.

1809
01:24:35,802 --> 01:24:37,891
And this is the one we just took.

1810
01:24:42,722 --> 01:24:45,072
They look the same to me.

1811
01:24:45,246 --> 01:24:47,988
Yes, but your symptoms are changing.

1812
01:24:48,162 --> 01:24:49,860
[♪♪♪]

1813
01:24:50,034 --> 01:24:52,079
If I'm right, you may have
a form of dementia

1814
01:24:52,253 --> 01:24:54,342
called Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease.

1815
01:24:57,215 --> 01:24:59,652
What do you mean, if you're right?

1816
01:25:04,788 --> 01:25:09,314
Only way to get a definitive
diagnosis of CJD is...

1817
01:25:09,488 --> 01:25:11,795
a post-mortem autopsy.

1818
01:25:11,969 --> 01:25:13,100
Well...

1819
01:25:14,623 --> 01:25:15,973
why don't we do that now?

1820
01:25:16,147 --> 01:25:18,889
I mean, I have a lunch,
but I could cancel that.

1821
01:25:20,542 --> 01:25:22,283
What happens next?

1822
01:25:22,457 --> 01:25:25,809
There are other medications
than the ones you're on now...

1823
01:25:25,983 --> 01:25:28,942
that could slow this down a bit,

1824
01:25:29,116 --> 01:25:31,031
but before too long...

1825
01:25:31,205 --> 01:25:32,685
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

1826
01:25:36,863 --> 01:25:39,083
"Before too long" is how long?

1827
01:25:41,041 --> 01:25:42,129
A year, maybe.

1828
01:25:46,786 --> 01:25:49,484
You probably wanna start
thinking about a caregiver.

1829
01:25:52,052 --> 01:25:53,184
A nurse?

1830
01:25:53,358 --> 01:25:56,013
Yes, or your family.

1831
01:25:56,187 --> 01:25:58,711
Your son and daughter.
Well...

1832
01:25:58,885 --> 01:26:01,018
that's not happening.

1833
01:26:01,192 --> 01:26:04,978
In times like this, you should
be surrounded by loved ones,

1834
01:26:05,152 --> 01:26:08,416
or professionals who are
trained to care for you.

1835
01:26:13,682 --> 01:26:16,555
Uh, I'll do it.
I'll take care of Charlie.

1836
01:26:16,729 --> 01:26:18,513
No, you can't.
You're going away.

1837
01:26:18,687 --> 01:26:20,080
My plans have changed.

1838
01:26:20,254 --> 01:26:22,256
No. No, they haven't changed.

1839
01:26:22,430 --> 01:26:24,737
She's in a band and they're
supposed to go on tour.

1840
01:26:24,911 --> 01:26:26,957
Nah, I don't need to do that.
No. Yes, you do.

1841
01:26:27,131 --> 01:26:28,567
She does need to do that.

1842
01:26:30,221 --> 01:26:32,440
May I ask what your relationship is?

1843
01:26:32,614 --> 01:26:33,877
I don't know.
I don't know.

1844
01:26:34,051 --> 01:26:36,009
How long have you known each other?

1845
01:26:36,183 --> 01:26:38,664
I'm guessing about six months or so.

1846
01:26:38,838 --> 01:26:40,405
Are you boyfriend and girlfriend?

1847
01:26:42,755 --> 01:26:45,236
[SCOFFS]
Are we?

1848
01:26:45,410 --> 01:26:47,760
How would you define
boyfriend and girlfriend?

1849
01:26:47,934 --> 01:26:50,545
Well, are you having sexual relations?

1850
01:26:50,719 --> 01:26:52,417
BOTH: We spooned.

1851
01:26:55,115 --> 01:26:56,725
Charlie...

1852
01:26:56,900 --> 01:26:59,076
what about your kids?

1853
01:26:59,250 --> 01:27:01,339
I honestly don't know
if they've ever spooned.

1854
01:27:01,513 --> 01:27:03,297
Charlie.

1855
01:27:03,471 --> 01:27:06,997
This is no time for jokes.
Yes, it is.

1856
01:27:07,171 --> 01:27:09,347
It's the perfect time for jokes,
goddamn it.

1857
01:27:09,521 --> 01:27:11,349
Don't try to take away my sense of humor.

1858
01:27:11,523 --> 01:27:13,090
I'd rather die right now.

1859
01:27:14,874 --> 01:27:17,398
Boy, this God...
this God is a real jokester, isn't he?

1860
01:27:17,572 --> 01:27:19,096
What a really funny God.

1861
01:27:19,270 --> 01:27:20,445
"Hey, live your whole life

1862
01:27:20,619 --> 01:27:22,099
and you won't remember any of it."

1863
01:27:22,273 --> 01:27:23,448
[LAUGHS]

1864
01:27:23,622 --> 01:27:24,536
Fuck you!

1865
01:27:25,972 --> 01:27:27,626
Damn it.
It's gonna be okay.

1866
01:27:27,800 --> 01:27:29,758
How can this be okay?

1867
01:27:29,933 --> 01:27:31,673
How can this be okay?

1868
01:27:36,374 --> 01:27:38,202
My kids don't know anything.

1869
01:27:40,900 --> 01:27:42,859
I'll tell them at the right time.

1870
01:27:43,033 --> 01:27:44,599
Charlie.

1871
01:27:46,863 --> 01:27:48,168
This is the right time.

1872
01:27:50,910 --> 01:27:52,869
You can't be alone anymore.

1873
01:27:58,483 --> 01:28:00,224
I'll take care of him till I can't.

1874
01:28:03,836 --> 01:28:05,794
VIDOR:
I'll write you some prescriptions.

1875
01:28:07,492 --> 01:28:09,668
I'll let the two of you be alone a bit.

1876
01:28:20,418 --> 01:28:22,159
What the hell is wrong with you?
What?

1877
01:28:22,333 --> 01:28:24,204
There's nothing wrong with me.
You're not staying.

1878
01:28:24,378 --> 01:28:25,727
Yes, I am.
No, you're not.

1879
01:28:25,902 --> 01:28:28,817
You heard what the doc said.
It's over, okay?

1880
01:28:28,992 --> 01:28:30,732
That's it.
Please, leave me alone!

1881
01:28:30,907 --> 01:28:34,693
Charlie.
Don't "Charlie" me!

1882
01:28:34,867 --> 01:28:37,696
You have a life!
You have your music, so run.

1883
01:28:37,870 --> 01:28:39,959
Run for the hills, kid.
It's over.

1884
01:28:40,133 --> 01:28:44,398
I'm telling you, it's over.
Please, I just wanna be alone!

1885
01:28:44,572 --> 01:28:47,880
I'm not going anywhere.
I don't want you to stay!

1886
01:28:48,054 --> 01:28:52,276
You hear me?
What are you staying for?

1887
01:28:52,450 --> 01:28:55,670
What's here?
What's gonna be left? Nothing!

1888
01:28:55,844 --> 01:28:57,542
That's not true, Charlie.

1889
01:28:59,544 --> 01:29:01,459
I'm lost. I'm--

1890
01:29:02,808 --> 01:29:05,463
Help, help, help. I'm lost.

1891
01:29:06,594 --> 01:29:09,075
I'm so-- I'm so lost.

1892
01:29:10,424 --> 01:29:12,470
I'm sorry, pal. But I'm in.

1893
01:29:13,645 --> 01:29:15,299
You wanna be with a stranger?

1894
01:29:15,473 --> 01:29:18,084
[SIGHING]

1895
01:29:18,258 --> 01:29:20,695
Pretty soon everyone's gonna be a stranger.

1896
01:29:20,869 --> 01:29:22,741
Not me.

1897
01:29:22,915 --> 01:29:24,438
I'm not gonna leave you.

1898
01:29:27,137 --> 01:29:28,225
Thank you.

1899
01:29:35,362 --> 01:29:38,235
[♪♪♪]

1900
01:29:47,505 --> 01:29:49,115
Mm.

1901
01:29:49,289 --> 01:29:50,160
Hi.

1902
01:29:50,334 --> 01:29:51,335
[SIGHS]

1903
01:29:51,509 --> 01:29:53,032
Whose room did this used to be?

1904
01:29:53,206 --> 01:29:54,468
Francine's.

1905
01:29:54,642 --> 01:29:56,644
That explains the chill.

1906
01:29:56,818 --> 01:29:57,906
Something wrong?

1907
01:29:58,081 --> 01:29:59,169
I can't sleep.

1908
01:29:59,343 --> 01:30:01,171
What's up?

1909
01:30:01,345 --> 01:30:03,912
I wrote something.
That's good.

1910
01:30:04,087 --> 01:30:06,132
I wanna read it to you.
Okay.

1911
01:30:06,306 --> 01:30:07,829
This is my journal.

1912
01:30:08,004 --> 01:30:10,528
I've been writing stuff for the book in it

1913
01:30:10,702 --> 01:30:12,660
because typing has become a problem for me.

1914
01:30:12,834 --> 01:30:14,140
I know.

1915
01:30:16,751 --> 01:30:20,103
The book is called For Carrie.
This is the dedication.

1916
01:30:20,277 --> 01:30:23,062
A writer always dedicates
the book to somebody he loves--

1917
01:30:23,236 --> 01:30:24,846
I know what it means.
Okay.

1918
01:30:25,021 --> 01:30:26,413
[SHUSHING]

1919
01:30:28,024 --> 01:30:29,416
"To Emma Payge.

1920
01:30:30,896 --> 01:30:32,419
Thank you for taking my truth

1921
01:30:32,593 --> 01:30:35,335
and making it more interesting.

1922
01:30:35,509 --> 01:30:38,643
I kind of love you. CB."

1923
01:30:38,817 --> 01:30:40,862
I kind of love you too, old man.

1924
01:30:41,037 --> 01:30:43,561
Oh. Really?

1925
01:30:43,735 --> 01:30:45,389
Yeah. Big-time.

1926
01:30:47,043 --> 01:30:48,305
Didn't see that coming.

1927
01:30:50,220 --> 01:30:51,438
You make me smile.

1928
01:30:53,049 --> 01:30:54,398
Good night.

1929
01:30:54,572 --> 01:30:55,834
Good night.

1930
01:31:02,841 --> 01:31:03,929
Hey, Emma.

1931
01:31:04,103 --> 01:31:06,366
[♪♪♪]

1932
01:31:06,540 --> 01:31:09,282
I'm grateful to you that you're here.

1933
01:31:09,456 --> 01:31:11,937
I wanna have fun. I wanna laugh.

1934
01:31:12,111 --> 01:31:14,896
I want to not be scared.
And I wanna write the book,

1935
01:31:15,071 --> 01:31:16,942
and I wanna do all of that with you.

1936
01:31:17,116 --> 01:31:19,727
But you have to promise me something.

1937
01:31:19,901 --> 01:31:21,338
When it's time...

1938
01:31:22,817 --> 01:31:24,471
you go back out and sing.

1939
01:31:24,645 --> 01:31:26,778
You're an artist,
and that's what you should do.

1940
01:31:26,952 --> 01:31:28,171
Please, promise me.

1941
01:31:29,563 --> 01:31:30,738
I promise.

1942
01:31:30,912 --> 01:31:32,088
Good.

1943
01:31:33,785 --> 01:31:35,743
I'm a bargain for 22 bucks,
don't you think?

1944
01:31:35,917 --> 01:31:37,832
Heh. Hell, yeah.

1945
01:31:40,008 --> 01:31:41,662
Good night.
Good night.

1946
01:31:57,156 --> 01:31:58,810
[SNORING SOFTLY]

1947
01:32:04,032 --> 01:32:05,425
[FLOORBOARD CREAKS]

1948
01:32:07,601 --> 01:32:09,255
Oh.

1949
01:32:09,429 --> 01:32:10,691
I must've dozed off.

1950
01:32:10,865 --> 01:32:12,824
These new meds are making me very sleepy.

1951
01:32:12,998 --> 01:32:15,609
I haven't taken a nap
since the Carter administration.

1952
01:32:17,698 --> 01:32:19,657
What do you have there?
Nothing.

1953
01:32:19,831 --> 01:32:21,485
Let me see.

1954
01:32:23,008 --> 01:32:24,444
It...

1955
01:32:24,618 --> 01:32:27,752
It's that--
Emma, I know what it is.

1956
01:32:29,057 --> 01:32:30,450
I know you said get rid of it,

1957
01:32:30,624 --> 01:32:32,713
but it's just so beautiful.

1958
01:32:32,887 --> 01:32:34,150
Give it to me.

1959
01:32:41,331 --> 01:32:43,376
[♪♪♪]

1960
01:32:43,550 --> 01:32:44,856
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

1961
01:32:46,510 --> 01:32:49,034
Carrie painted this. Yeah.

1962
01:32:49,208 --> 01:32:51,863
See, she put her name in the bushes.

1963
01:32:52,037 --> 01:32:54,344
See there? In the trees.
Mm-hm.

1964
01:32:57,564 --> 01:32:59,131
This is Lake Charlie.

1965
01:32:59,305 --> 01:33:01,264
Lake Charlie. Where's that?

1966
01:33:01,438 --> 01:33:05,093
That's about two hours
north of the city. Yeah.

1967
01:33:06,834 --> 01:33:08,880
Carrie gave me a lake for my birthday.

1968
01:33:09,054 --> 01:33:10,098
A lake?

1969
01:33:10,273 --> 01:33:12,840
Yeah. It was actually a pond.

1970
01:33:13,014 --> 01:33:16,801
But Pond Charlie didn't sound
as good as Lake Charlie, heh.

1971
01:33:16,975 --> 01:33:18,846
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
What?

1972
01:33:20,718 --> 01:33:23,721
Tell me all about Lake Charlie.

1973
01:33:25,113 --> 01:33:26,158
Okay.

1974
01:33:28,029 --> 01:33:29,509
It was my 40th birthday.

1975
01:33:29,683 --> 01:33:31,903
Happy birthday, Charlie Burnz.

1976
01:33:32,077 --> 01:33:34,122
MAN: Happy birthday.
WOMAN: Happy birthday, Charlie.

1977
01:33:34,297 --> 01:33:37,038
CHARLIE:
We had a party outside in the garden.

1978
01:33:37,213 --> 01:33:39,389
And after everybody was gone...

1979
01:33:39,563 --> 01:33:42,174
Carrie shows me this photograph
of this woodsy area

1980
01:33:42,348 --> 01:33:43,784
with this beautiful lake on it.

1981
01:33:43,958 --> 01:33:47,440
Happy birthday, Charlie Burnz.
This is for you.

1982
01:33:47,614 --> 01:33:50,791
CHARLIE: For me? What is this?
What am I looking at?

1983
01:33:50,965 --> 01:33:54,273
It's called Lake Charlie.
Lake Charlie?

1984
01:33:54,447 --> 01:33:56,797
CHARLIE: She was always
trying to get me to stop working.

1985
01:33:56,971 --> 01:34:00,627
And just be alone with her and do nothing.

1986
01:34:00,801 --> 01:34:02,934
And honestly the thought of doing nothing

1987
01:34:03,108 --> 01:34:04,762
terrified me, you know?

1988
01:34:06,851 --> 01:34:09,114
But I loved it so much
and it meant so much to her

1989
01:34:09,288 --> 01:34:13,814
that we'd go up there, you know,
and camp out, like, in a tent.

1990
01:34:13,988 --> 01:34:15,468
Can you imagine me in a tent?

1991
01:34:15,642 --> 01:34:17,731
I mean, to me,
the great outdoors

1992
01:34:17,905 --> 01:34:20,038
would be a lot better if it was indoors.

1993
01:34:20,212 --> 01:34:21,822
Good morning!

1994
01:34:21,996 --> 01:34:23,955
[CHARLIE GROANING]

1995
01:34:26,218 --> 01:34:29,352
CHARLIE: That smells good.
Smells better than me.

1996
01:34:29,526 --> 01:34:31,136
[CHARLIE CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHING]

1997
01:34:31,310 --> 01:34:32,920
CHARLIE: Mm.

1998
01:34:33,094 --> 01:34:34,879
Wow--
Whoa! Look what you did.

1999
01:34:35,053 --> 01:34:36,533
[CARRIE CHUCKLING]

2000
01:34:39,579 --> 01:34:41,451
Hey, Charlie?
Yeah?

2001
01:34:41,625 --> 01:34:44,062
You know what I think?
What?

2002
01:34:44,236 --> 01:34:47,326
I think we need a house.
A house?

2003
01:34:47,500 --> 01:34:50,895
Yeah.
The kids will love it up here.

2004
01:34:51,069 --> 01:34:54,333
What? Kids?
Didn't I tell you?

2005
01:34:56,204 --> 01:34:59,730
And that's how she told me
she was pregnant with Rex.

2006
01:34:59,904 --> 01:35:02,298
So she went looking for a house.

2007
01:35:02,472 --> 01:35:04,474
Wait, didn't you guys build a house?

2008
01:35:04,648 --> 01:35:06,389
Oh, no, that's way too easy for Carrie.

2009
01:35:06,563 --> 01:35:09,000
She scoured the countryside,
found this little house,

2010
01:35:09,174 --> 01:35:11,394
she bought it, lifted it up,

2011
01:35:11,568 --> 01:35:14,353
put it on a flatbed truck and
she drove it to Lake Charlie.

2012
01:35:14,527 --> 01:35:16,790
CARRIE: Got a house, Charlie Burnz!

2013
01:35:16,964 --> 01:35:19,053
[HORN HONKING]
[CARRIE WHOOPING, THEN LAUGHS]

2014
01:35:19,227 --> 01:35:20,490
Thank you.

2015
01:35:20,664 --> 01:35:22,709
So we put in a new foundation,

2016
01:35:22,883 --> 01:35:25,233
plopped the house down on it,
renovated it,

2017
01:35:25,408 --> 01:35:27,323
painted it up,
made it a little bit bigger.

2018
01:35:27,497 --> 01:35:29,368
Mm-hm. It was our happy place.

2019
01:35:29,542 --> 01:35:32,632
Dad, come on! Let's go play.
Daddy, come on!

2020
01:35:32,806 --> 01:35:34,634
And she was right.
Daddy, come on.

2021
01:35:34,808 --> 01:35:35,983
Are you playing or not?

2022
01:35:36,157 --> 01:35:37,637
The kids loved it.

2023
01:35:37,811 --> 01:35:41,641
Aw. Now I know why you
didn't wanna hang the picture.

2024
01:35:43,469 --> 01:35:44,818
No, you don't.

2025
01:35:47,430 --> 01:35:49,519
I'm tired. I can't talk anymore.

2026
01:35:49,693 --> 01:35:53,653
Come on, Charlie. Please?
Don't take this with you.

2027
01:35:53,827 --> 01:35:55,655
I'm not going anywhere yet.

2028
01:35:59,529 --> 01:36:03,794
Okay. My first Broadway play,
It's My Time,

2029
01:36:03,968 --> 01:36:05,709
it opened at the Belasco Theatre.

2030
01:36:05,883 --> 01:36:07,754
Reviews were terrific,
business was great,

2031
01:36:07,928 --> 01:36:09,495
but that wasn't enough for me.

2032
01:36:09,669 --> 01:36:11,584
The star was an actor named Jerry Orbach,

2033
01:36:11,758 --> 01:36:14,195
and there was this one speech
late in the second act.

2034
01:36:14,370 --> 01:36:16,459
It never landed right.
It drove me crazy.

2035
01:36:16,633 --> 01:36:19,636
All I wanted was one show
that was just perfect.

2036
01:36:25,163 --> 01:36:28,384
Things were tense...

2037
01:36:29,776 --> 01:36:32,039
between the two of us.

2038
01:36:32,213 --> 01:36:34,433
I'd been working so much.
What are we doing?

2039
01:36:34,607 --> 01:36:36,174
I'd been on the road for four months

2040
01:36:36,348 --> 01:36:38,611
with the play before it came to Broadway.

2041
01:36:38,785 --> 01:36:41,397
Everybody was looking forward
to spending some time together

2042
01:36:41,571 --> 01:36:43,790
at Lake Charlie,
and what was I doing?

2043
01:36:43,964 --> 01:36:46,532
I was rewriting a play
that was already a hit.

2044
01:36:46,706 --> 01:36:49,753
Charlie, we have to go right now.

2045
01:36:49,927 --> 01:36:51,102
Traffic's gonna be awful.

2046
01:36:51,276 --> 01:36:52,495
I don't like driving in the dark.

2047
01:36:52,669 --> 01:36:54,148
My mom's got the kids there waiting.

2048
01:36:54,322 --> 01:36:55,585
We should have left an hour ago.

2049
01:36:55,759 --> 01:36:57,108
I had to rewrite a speech for Jerry.

2050
01:36:57,282 --> 01:36:59,110
It wasn't landing right.
Oh. Great. Okay.

2051
01:36:59,284 --> 01:37:00,807
That's just great.
He's reading it.

2052
01:37:00,981 --> 01:37:02,548
I wanna make sure it's okay with him.

2053
01:37:02,722 --> 01:37:04,768
Oh. You wanna make sure
it's okay with him?

2054
01:37:04,942 --> 01:37:06,639
With him?
How about with me?

2055
01:37:06,813 --> 01:37:09,425
How about with the kids,
who you haven't seen for months?

2056
01:37:09,599 --> 01:37:11,122
You promised me.
You promised us.

2057
01:37:11,296 --> 01:37:12,950
Stop yelling.
Five minutes, I promise.

2058
01:37:13,124 --> 01:37:15,605
I'll be right in and right out.
The kids are waiting.

2059
01:37:15,779 --> 01:37:17,955
I understand. I'll be right out.
The people are in line,

2060
01:37:18,129 --> 01:37:19,739
the show goes up in an hour.
Five minutes?

2061
01:37:19,913 --> 01:37:21,959
Yeah. Yeah.
I know you're upset,

2062
01:37:22,133 --> 01:37:23,613
but I hate when you get like this.

2063
01:37:23,787 --> 01:37:25,571
If you're not back in five minutes,

2064
01:37:25,745 --> 01:37:29,357
I'm leaving without you.
I heard you, okay? I heard you.

2065
01:37:29,532 --> 01:37:31,272
Goddamn it.

2066
01:37:35,189 --> 01:37:39,672
It took 15 minutes.
When I came out, she was gone.

2067
01:37:39,846 --> 01:37:42,196
I was angry.
So I watched the show,

2068
01:37:42,370 --> 01:37:45,069
that damn speech still didn't land right.

2069
01:37:45,243 --> 01:37:46,505
I had a couple drinks with Jerry

2070
01:37:46,679 --> 01:37:48,028
and then I came back here...

2071
01:37:49,856 --> 01:37:53,730
And the next thing I remember
is flashing lights.

2072
01:37:53,904 --> 01:37:55,558
And a policeman in the doorway

2073
01:37:55,732 --> 01:37:59,300
asking me my name over and over again.

2074
01:38:01,302 --> 01:38:03,827
And I'm thinking if I don't answer him,

2075
01:38:04,001 --> 01:38:07,134
then maybe what he's about
to tell me didn't happen.

2076
01:38:15,447 --> 01:38:17,014
He told me Carrie was driving

2077
01:38:17,188 --> 01:38:19,538
on this dark road right near the house.

2078
01:38:19,712 --> 01:38:22,715
She came to this fork in the road...

2079
01:38:22,889 --> 01:38:24,500
and some kid loaded on pills

2080
01:38:24,674 --> 01:38:26,632
driving a Jeep ran the stop sign.

2081
01:38:29,330 --> 01:38:30,941
And he hit her head-on.

2082
01:38:32,420 --> 01:38:34,727
She died instantly.

2083
01:38:34,901 --> 01:38:36,599
Kid walked away without a scratch.

2084
01:38:38,644 --> 01:38:40,385
The last time I saw that beautiful face,

2085
01:38:40,559 --> 01:38:41,517
she was mad at me.

2086
01:38:44,345 --> 01:38:47,871
That's why I can't look at
that picture anymore.

2087
01:38:48,045 --> 01:38:51,962
It makes me remember
the one thing I want to forget.

2088
01:38:52,136 --> 01:38:53,529
[SOBS SOFTLY]

2089
01:38:56,053 --> 01:38:57,489
[SNIFFLES]

2090
01:38:59,404 --> 01:39:00,318
I'm sorry.

2091
01:39:05,628 --> 01:39:06,890
Me too.

2092
01:39:15,899 --> 01:39:18,858
Need anything from the store?
Um... Wonton soup.

2093
01:39:19,032 --> 01:39:21,295
I'd like to shampoo my hair.
It's getting a little greasy--

2094
01:39:21,469 --> 01:39:23,210
Charlie.What?

2095
01:39:25,386 --> 01:39:27,606
I'm just kidding. I'm okay.
[CHUCKLES]

2096
01:39:27,780 --> 01:39:30,217
I promise. Thanks.
Good.

2097
01:39:30,391 --> 01:39:32,785
Hey, I was thinking, you know
what we could do someday?

2098
01:39:32,959 --> 01:39:34,395
It could be fun. Um...

2099
01:39:34,570 --> 01:39:37,573
Ever been to Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum?

2100
01:39:37,747 --> 01:39:39,792
You ever been there?
It's a lot of fun.

2101
01:39:39,966 --> 01:39:42,360
It's pretty amazing what they do.

2102
01:39:44,014 --> 01:39:46,973
[♪♪♪]

2103
01:39:47,147 --> 01:39:49,628
Okay. Sure.

2104
01:40:01,205 --> 01:40:02,641
[SIGHS]

2105
01:40:06,558 --> 01:40:08,125
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

2106
01:40:08,299 --> 01:40:13,217
You're back already?
Okay. Coming, coming, coming.

2107
01:40:16,742 --> 01:40:18,439
CHARLIE: Hi!
LINDSAY: Hi.

2108
01:40:18,614 --> 01:40:21,660
CHARLIE: Come on in. Come on in.
This is a surprise.

2109
01:40:21,834 --> 01:40:25,011
What's the matter?
You look very upset. What's wrong?

2110
01:40:25,185 --> 01:40:26,883
I had a fight with my mom.
Oh.

2111
01:40:27,057 --> 01:40:28,667
She said you were drunk and embarrassing.

2112
01:40:28,841 --> 01:40:31,322
I said you could never be.
You were funny on the show.

2113
01:40:31,496 --> 01:40:33,890
Why does she keep you away from me?
She said something awful.

2114
01:40:34,064 --> 01:40:36,327
Does she know where you are?
She thinks I'm at school.

2115
01:40:36,501 --> 01:40:37,894
How did you get here?
Uber.

2116
01:40:38,068 --> 01:40:39,852
We should tell her you're here.
No!

2117
01:40:40,026 --> 01:40:41,985
She'll be so mad at me.
But, Lindsay...

2118
01:40:42,159 --> 01:40:44,422
Please. I just have to know if it's true.

2119
01:40:44,596 --> 01:40:46,032
Is what true?

2120
01:40:48,121 --> 01:40:51,559
She said it was because of you
that I don't have a grandma.

2121
01:40:51,734 --> 01:40:53,126
She said that to you?

2122
01:40:53,300 --> 01:40:55,955
No. I overheard her
on the phone with Uncle Rex.

2123
01:40:56,129 --> 01:40:58,131
[♪♪♪]

2124
01:40:58,305 --> 01:41:00,220
No, Lindsay, no.

2125
01:41:00,394 --> 01:41:02,266
Okay.

2126
01:41:02,440 --> 01:41:03,833
[SIGHS]

2127
01:41:05,835 --> 01:41:07,619
Lindsay never made it to school, Rex.

2128
01:41:07,793 --> 01:41:10,666
She used my Uber account,
and guess where she took it to.

2129
01:41:12,102 --> 01:41:14,017
Charlie, I got your wonton soup,

2130
01:41:14,191 --> 01:41:18,064
but the chef said that you need
to use extra conditioner...

2131
01:41:18,238 --> 01:41:19,239
Charlie!

2132
01:41:21,067 --> 01:41:24,897
I got some short ribs.
They'll be so good.

2133
01:41:26,203 --> 01:41:27,291
Charlie?

2134
01:41:28,509 --> 01:41:31,164
Charlie?
Charlie!

2135
01:41:33,166 --> 01:41:37,170
Where are you, old man?
Charlie, stop playing.

2136
01:41:37,344 --> 01:41:39,651
Hey. Where is she?

2137
01:41:39,825 --> 01:41:42,872
How'd you get in here?
We grew up here. Where is she?

2138
01:41:43,046 --> 01:41:44,221
Who?
My daughter Lindsay.

2139
01:41:44,395 --> 01:41:46,136
And our father. Where's our dad?
Lindsay!

2140
01:41:46,310 --> 01:41:48,051
Dad!
Nobody's here.

2141
01:41:48,225 --> 01:41:49,792
I just got home myself.

2142
01:41:49,966 --> 01:41:51,663
Home?
Do you live here?

2143
01:41:51,837 --> 01:41:54,666
I moved in a few days ago.
Oh, lovely.

2144
01:41:54,840 --> 01:41:57,756
Your dad needs me right now.
I bet he does.

2145
01:41:57,930 --> 01:42:00,672
You might want to rethink
your attitude, Francine.

2146
01:42:00,846 --> 01:42:03,240
What is this?
What is all this about?

2147
01:42:03,414 --> 01:42:05,764
That's research for a project
he's working on.

2148
01:42:05,938 --> 01:42:07,461
With our names under the pictures?

2149
01:42:07,635 --> 01:42:09,768
He doesn't know who we are?
Not all the time.

2150
01:42:11,291 --> 01:42:13,380
Your father's sick.

2151
01:42:13,554 --> 01:42:16,209
He has a form of dementia.
And it's getting worse.

2152
01:42:17,776 --> 01:42:20,083
He can't be alone anymore.

2153
01:42:20,257 --> 01:42:22,694
That's why I moved in, Francine.

2154
01:42:22,868 --> 01:42:26,045
I'm his friend. He's writing
a book about your family

2155
01:42:26,219 --> 01:42:28,395
and I'm helping him finish it.

2156
01:42:28,569 --> 01:42:30,746
I can't believe this.
We had no idea.

2157
01:42:30,920 --> 01:42:33,705
That's because you're too busy
being pissed at him.

2158
01:42:33,879 --> 01:42:37,056
Pretty soon, before you know it,
he's not gonna know who you are.

2159
01:42:37,230 --> 01:42:39,145
But you'll remember him.

2160
01:42:39,319 --> 01:42:41,452
He's done a very good job
of beating himself up

2161
01:42:41,626 --> 01:42:43,323
without you guys piling on.

2162
01:42:43,497 --> 01:42:45,238
You were very happy once.

2163
01:42:45,412 --> 01:42:47,937
It can happen again if you let it.

2164
01:42:49,155 --> 01:42:50,113
How do we find them?

2165
01:42:50,287 --> 01:42:52,115
I put a GPS on his phone.

2166
01:42:52,289 --> 01:42:54,030
Okay.
Let me see.

2167
01:42:55,727 --> 01:42:57,773
[CELL PHONE RINGING]

2168
01:42:57,947 --> 01:43:01,646
No. No, no, no.
It's here. It's here.

2169
01:43:01,820 --> 01:43:03,474
Where the hell are they?
Damn.

2170
01:43:03,648 --> 01:43:06,433
Oh. If she's still using my
Uber account, we can find them.

2171
01:43:06,607 --> 01:43:09,523
[♪♪♪]

2172
01:43:20,621 --> 01:43:22,275
[CELL PHONE BUZZING]

2173
01:43:29,413 --> 01:43:30,675
[DRIVER SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]

2174
01:43:30,849 --> 01:43:32,111
[IN ENGLISH]
I cannot believe this.

2175
01:43:32,285 --> 01:43:33,547
Hey, hey, hey. What's wrong?

2176
01:43:33,721 --> 01:43:35,375
Longer trip than I thought.

2177
01:43:35,549 --> 01:43:37,943
You give five star.
I accept nothing less.

2178
01:43:38,117 --> 01:43:39,423
Is this the best way to go?

2179
01:43:41,338 --> 01:43:44,167
This is all my fault. She overheard
what I said to you on the phone.

2180
01:43:44,341 --> 01:43:46,212
We got in a fight about--
She heard that?

2181
01:43:46,386 --> 01:43:48,258
Yes. I know. I'm sorry, okay?

2182
01:43:48,432 --> 01:43:51,348
What if he does something crazy?
What's he gonna do, Francine?

2183
01:43:51,522 --> 01:43:52,784
What's gonna happen?

2184
01:43:52,958 --> 01:43:54,960
I don't know.
He loves Lindsay.

2185
01:43:55,134 --> 01:43:56,570
Nothing will happen.

2186
01:43:56,744 --> 01:43:58,746
How can you be so sure?

2187
01:43:58,921 --> 01:44:00,531
I know him.

2188
01:44:08,452 --> 01:44:12,021
Papa! Where are you going?
Come back!

2189
01:44:16,329 --> 01:44:20,507
Please stop!
Hey, what about my five stars?!

2190
01:44:23,859 --> 01:44:25,338
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Oh, God!

2191
01:44:25,512 --> 01:44:26,862
Lindsay, honey, are you okay?

2192
01:44:27,036 --> 01:44:28,646
Papa Charlie ran away!

2193
01:44:28,820 --> 01:44:29,995
He told the driver to pull over,

2194
01:44:30,169 --> 01:44:31,605
jumped out of the car and ran.

2195
01:44:31,779 --> 01:44:33,477
I'm scared. I'm in the woods.

2196
01:44:33,651 --> 01:44:36,393
Lindsay, don't worry.
Look around. Can you see anything?

2197
01:44:36,567 --> 01:44:39,135
I can see the road.
Go there. Go to the road.

2198
01:44:39,309 --> 01:44:40,484
We're gonna find you.

2199
01:44:40,658 --> 01:44:43,574
[♪♪♪]

2200
01:44:48,013 --> 01:44:50,015
Mom! Mom!

2201
01:44:52,844 --> 01:44:53,976
FRANCINE: Lindsay!

2202
01:44:55,629 --> 01:44:57,022
Sweetheart.

2203
01:44:59,982 --> 01:45:01,418
Come on, baby girl.

2204
01:45:01,592 --> 01:45:05,857
Oh, my God, Rex.
I know. Let's find him.

2205
01:45:15,693 --> 01:45:17,260
FRANCINE: Dad?

2206
01:45:17,434 --> 01:45:18,696
LINDSAY: Papa Charlie?
Dad?

2207
01:45:18,870 --> 01:45:20,785
EMMA: Charlie?
LINDSAY: Papa Charlie?

2208
01:45:20,959 --> 01:45:24,441
No, Dad. No. Please, Dad.
Dad?

2209
01:45:24,615 --> 01:45:25,833
EMMA: Charlie?
REX: Dad?

2210
01:45:26,008 --> 01:45:27,226
[REX KNOCKING]
[GASPS]

2211
01:45:28,532 --> 01:45:29,968
Charlie!

2212
01:45:30,142 --> 01:45:31,143
Papa Charlie!

2213
01:45:31,317 --> 01:45:33,015
EMMA: Charlie!

2214
01:45:34,842 --> 01:45:36,496
Dad!
EMMA: Charlie!

2215
01:45:36,670 --> 01:45:38,107
Dad!
REX: Dad?

2216
01:45:38,281 --> 01:45:40,239
Charlie!
Papa Charlie!

2217
01:45:40,413 --> 01:45:42,981
FRANCINE: Dad! Dad!
EMMA: Charlie!

2218
01:45:43,155 --> 01:45:46,593
Dad!
Papa Charlie, where are you?

2219
01:45:52,208 --> 01:45:53,644
Charlie!

2220
01:45:55,776 --> 01:45:57,387
Charlie.

2221
01:45:57,561 --> 01:45:59,432
Oh, hey.

2222
01:46:01,347 --> 01:46:02,609
Hey. Hey.
Hey.

2223
01:46:06,918 --> 01:46:10,574
Hey. You okay?
My feet are wet.

2224
01:46:10,748 --> 01:46:11,923
Mine are too.

2225
01:46:13,359 --> 01:46:14,882
Are you okay? You look so upset.

2226
01:46:15,057 --> 01:46:16,797
I'm just happy to see you.

2227
01:46:16,972 --> 01:46:18,451
Dad.

2228
01:46:21,193 --> 01:46:22,586
What are you doing here?

2229
01:46:23,848 --> 01:46:26,111
Hi.
Uh...

2230
01:46:26,285 --> 01:46:31,073
Well, I wanted to show Lindsay Lake Charlie.

2231
01:46:31,247 --> 01:46:32,900
This was our happy place.

2232
01:46:34,380 --> 01:46:36,992
See, with sunsets, we'd stand right here.

2233
01:46:37,166 --> 01:46:40,082
And-- And we'd watch the sun go down there

2234
01:46:40,256 --> 01:46:43,172
and, "Bye-bye, sun.
Bye-bye, sun."

2235
01:46:43,346 --> 01:46:44,390
Somebody would say that.

2236
01:46:44,564 --> 01:46:46,131
That was me, Dad.

2237
01:46:47,393 --> 01:46:49,308
I said that.
Yeah.

2238
01:46:50,570 --> 01:46:51,615
Mm-hm.

2239
01:46:55,923 --> 01:46:58,056
I'm sorry about your mother.
No.

2240
01:46:58,230 --> 01:47:01,842
Dad, you don't have to--
No, I have to. I have to, Rex.

2241
01:47:02,017 --> 01:47:04,280
Let me finish, because
I'm running out of words.

2242
01:47:08,806 --> 01:47:11,069
Francine,
I was not the reason your mom died.

2243
01:47:13,158 --> 01:47:16,727
That kid who ran the stop sign
was the reason your mom died.

2244
01:47:16,901 --> 01:47:20,252
And I adored her so much.
I loved your mother so much.

2245
01:47:20,426 --> 01:47:22,689
And she died mad at me.

2246
01:47:22,863 --> 01:47:24,952
Dad.

2247
01:47:25,127 --> 01:47:28,217
I can't leave here knowing
that you're mad at me too.

2248
01:47:29,827 --> 01:47:32,525
I can't undo it.
I can't undo it.

2249
01:47:32,699 --> 01:47:34,919
There's no rewrites this time.

2250
01:47:35,093 --> 01:47:38,444
Come on. Relax.
Relax your hands.

2251
01:47:39,706 --> 01:47:41,534
No more fists.
Relax your hands.

2252
01:47:41,708 --> 01:47:43,406
[CRYING]

2253
01:47:46,626 --> 01:47:50,065
Dad. Why didn't you tell us?

2254
01:47:52,676 --> 01:47:55,635
Because I didn't know how.

2255
01:47:57,898 --> 01:47:58,812
And I was scared.

2256
01:48:00,249 --> 01:48:01,902
Of what?

2257
01:48:02,077 --> 01:48:04,688
That maybe you wouldn't care.

2258
01:48:04,862 --> 01:48:06,081
Oh, Dad.

2259
01:48:09,127 --> 01:48:11,608
Forgive me. Please.

2260
01:48:11,782 --> 01:48:14,001
Forgive me so I can forgive myself.

2261
01:48:14,176 --> 01:48:16,830
Because the sight of your
angry eyes keeps me up at night

2262
01:48:17,004 --> 01:48:20,007
and gives me the sweats,
and there's no more time for that.

2263
01:48:20,182 --> 01:48:22,662
There's no more time.
I'm here today.

2264
01:48:22,836 --> 01:48:24,882
Daddy, I'm so sorry.

2265
01:48:25,056 --> 01:48:30,105
Franny, it's okay. It's okay.
I understand. I understand.

2266
01:48:30,279 --> 01:48:31,889
I love you, Pop.
Oh!

2267
01:48:32,063 --> 01:48:33,978
I love you.
LINDSAY: Is there room for me?

2268
01:48:34,152 --> 01:48:36,198
Come here, sweetie.
I love you too, you know?

2269
01:48:36,372 --> 01:48:37,460
[ALL LAUGH]

2270
01:48:39,288 --> 01:48:41,507
Emma. Emma.
Come here.

2271
01:48:46,686 --> 01:48:48,906
Oh, God.
What a long time between hugs.

2272
01:48:49,080 --> 01:48:50,473
[ALL LAUGH]

2273
01:48:50,647 --> 01:48:53,258
[CHARLIE INHALES,
EXHALES DEEPLY]

2274
01:48:55,347 --> 01:48:57,219
[TYPEWRITER CLACKING]

2275
01:48:57,393 --> 01:48:59,569
[♪♪♪]

2276
01:48:59,743 --> 01:49:02,920
CHARLIE: Mom was always
inventing days for the kids.

2277
01:49:03,094 --> 01:49:05,096
Kids loved "Backwards Day" the best.

2278
01:49:05,270 --> 01:49:07,533
We'd have dinner for breakfast
and breakfast for dinner.

2279
01:49:07,707 --> 01:49:09,535
No, Pop.
It was "Upside-down Day."

2280
01:49:09,709 --> 01:49:11,189
Upside-down day.
God, I loved that.

2281
01:49:11,363 --> 01:49:12,756
We'd have cake for breakfast.

2282
01:49:12,930 --> 01:49:14,323
Can we do that?
Yeah.

2283
01:49:14,497 --> 01:49:16,412
Will you do it with us,
Papa Charlie and Emma?

2284
01:49:16,586 --> 01:49:18,979
Absolutely.
Yeah, sure. Anything for you.

2285
01:49:19,154 --> 01:49:22,679
Is it upside-down day?
Yeah. Upside-down day.

2286
01:49:22,853 --> 01:49:24,681
I got it.
Upside-down day is great.

2287
01:49:24,855 --> 01:49:26,770
Yeah?
DARRELL: This'll be really good.

2288
01:49:26,944 --> 01:49:27,814
Okay.

2289
01:49:27,988 --> 01:49:29,033
[CHUCKLES]

2290
01:49:29,207 --> 01:49:30,382
Huh.

2291
01:49:32,167 --> 01:49:34,386
Hey, Rex, um--
Oh, tell them the story

2292
01:49:34,560 --> 01:49:36,388
about when Dad was barbecuing outside,

2293
01:49:36,562 --> 01:49:38,869
he was making all these
hot dogs and a bear came.

2294
01:49:39,043 --> 01:49:41,219
REX: Oh, heh-heh!
That's a really good story.

2295
01:49:41,393 --> 01:49:46,268
Okay, I think it was July 4th?
Uh-huh. Dad loves 4th of July.

2296
01:49:46,442 --> 01:49:48,835
[REX SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

2297
01:49:51,838 --> 01:49:53,144
It's beautiful here.

2298
01:49:53,318 --> 01:49:54,537
Mm-hm.

2299
01:49:58,976 --> 01:50:00,238
Are you okay?

2300
01:50:04,590 --> 01:50:05,548
I'm here.

2301
01:50:08,681 --> 01:50:11,249
["YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME LONESOME
WHEN YOU GO" PLAYING]

2302
01:50:11,423 --> 01:50:12,946
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

2303
01:50:19,866 --> 01:50:23,305
EMMA: ♪ Well, I've seen love go by my door ♪

2304
01:50:23,479 --> 01:50:25,437
♪ It's never been this close before ♪

2305
01:50:25,611 --> 01:50:29,833
♪ Never been so easy or so slow ♪

2306
01:50:30,007 --> 01:50:31,791
[ALL LAUGHING]

2307
01:50:31,965 --> 01:50:34,794
♪ I've been shootin' in the dark too long ♪

2308
01:50:34,968 --> 01:50:37,101
♪ When something's not right it's wrong ♪

2309
01:50:37,275 --> 01:50:41,148
♪ You're gonna make me lonesome
When you go ♪

2310
01:50:43,020 --> 01:50:45,675
♪ Dragon clouds so high above ♪

2311
01:50:45,849 --> 01:50:47,764
♪ I've only known careless love... ♪

2312
01:50:47,938 --> 01:50:48,852
[LAUGHS]

2313
01:50:51,202 --> 01:50:52,812
CHARLIE:
Come on. Sun's going down.

2314
01:50:54,814 --> 01:50:57,469
It's going. Come on,
he's not gonna wait for us.

2315
01:50:57,643 --> 01:50:59,906
♪ Right on target, so direct ♪

2316
01:51:00,080 --> 01:51:01,821
♪ You're gonna make me lonesome... ♪

2317
01:51:01,995 --> 01:51:04,694
Come on. Don't wanna miss it.

2318
01:51:07,174 --> 01:51:09,525
Wow. This gonna be a beauty.

2319
01:51:09,699 --> 01:51:13,703
FRANCINE: Oh, look at that. Wow.
LINDSAY: It's so beautiful.

2320
01:51:13,877 --> 01:51:16,183
[GASPS]
[MOUTHS] Wow.

2321
01:51:16,358 --> 01:51:17,359
LINDSAY: Yeah.

2322
01:51:17,533 --> 01:51:18,838
♪ Blue river ♪

2323
01:51:19,012 --> 01:51:20,623
♪ Running slow and lazy ♪

2324
01:51:22,973 --> 01:51:28,935
♪ I could stay with you forever
And never realize the time ♪

2325
01:51:29,109 --> 01:51:31,677
♪ Situations have ended sad ♪

2326
01:51:31,851 --> 01:51:34,637
♪ Relationships have all been bad ♪

2327
01:51:34,811 --> 01:51:38,293
♪ Mine have been like
Verlaine and Rimbaud ♪

2328
01:51:40,207 --> 01:51:43,123
♪ But there's no way I can compare ♪

2329
01:51:43,298 --> 01:51:45,735
♪ All those scenes to this affair ♪

2330
01:51:45,909 --> 01:51:49,652
♪ You're gonna make me
Lonesome when you go ♪

2331
01:51:51,436 --> 01:51:54,787
♪ I'll look for you in old Honolulu ♪

2332
01:51:54,961 --> 01:51:57,399
♪ San Francisco or Ashtabula ♪

2333
01:51:57,573 --> 01:52:02,447
♪ You're gonna have to leave me
Now I know ♪

2334
01:52:02,621 --> 01:52:04,884
♪ But I'll see you in the sky above ♪

2335
01:52:05,058 --> 01:52:06,103
Bye-bye, sun.

2336
01:52:06,277 --> 01:52:07,496
♪ In the tall grass ♪

2337
01:52:07,670 --> 01:52:08,714
♪ In the ones I love ♪

2338
01:52:08,888 --> 01:52:10,150
♪ You're gonna make me ♪

2339
01:52:10,325 --> 01:52:12,283
♪ Lonesome when you go ♪

2340
01:52:14,546 --> 01:52:20,030
♪ You're gonna make me
Lonesome when you go ♪

2341
01:52:20,204 --> 01:52:24,817
♪ You're gonna make me
Very, very lonesome ♪

2342
01:52:24,991 --> 01:52:28,081
♪ When you go ♪

2343
01:52:32,042 --> 01:52:33,696
EMMA: Goodbye, old man.

2344
01:52:42,835 --> 01:52:45,708
[♪♪♪]

2345
01:54:24,981 --> 01:54:26,330
[♪♪♪]

2346
01:54:26,504 --> 01:54:28,637
[SINGER VOCALIZING]

2347
01:55:50,501 --> 01:55:53,417
[♪♪♪]