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<font color="#ffff00">Provided by explosiveskull</font>
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

2
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Bro! Excuse me! Sorry.

3
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Left.

4
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Stop sign, left.

5
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One, two, three, four, five.

6
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On the right.

7
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Mr. Burnz?

8
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Are you Charlie Burnz?

9
00:03:03,925 --> 00:03:05,842
Charlie Burnz, I'm talking to you.

10
00:03:06,883 --> 00:03:08,925
Mr. Burnz, Charlie Burnz.

11
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{\an8}Sweep up a little bit. Make sure
all the props are in the right spot.

12
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{\an8}- Hey, Marge?
- Hey, Charlie.

13
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{\an8}Where is everybody?

14
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{\an8}Charlie, it's Monday.
They're at the writers' meeting.

15
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{\an8}Oh, right. Well, I had a long weekend.

16
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{\an8}All right, take it easy. All right.

17
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{\an8}Better hurry.
They're pitching new sketches!

18
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Yeah, we made sure to take a lot of care

19
00:03:51,591 --> 00:03:54,675
and not offend anybody
with this next sketch, so please strap in

20
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and, you know, enjoy.

21
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Okay, so this is...

22
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This is an infomercial
for a brand-new comedy album.

23
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We start with shots of planets and stars,
just these beautiful shots of space.

24
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And then, we hear a VO,
and we see a chyron.

25
00:04:07,674 --> 00:04:10,508
In the tradition of George Carlin
and Richard Pryor,

26
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we bring you the next comedy voice.

27
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And we cut to a photograph
of Stephen Hawking.

28
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But we photoshopped him
in front of a brick wall.

29
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So he looks like he's at a comedy club.

30
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We have a microphone
where his computer is.

31
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Is it just me, but what's the deal
with black holes? Am I right?

32
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You people like impressions?

33
00:04:44,425 --> 00:04:46,009
So how do you think the meeting went?

34
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Some very funny ideas.

35
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But, Brad, somebody's got to talk
to Roger about his inflections.

36
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I know, I know. I think he gets nervous.

37
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No, come on.

38
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George Carlin, Richard Pryor.

39
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My God, Stephen Hawking pronounced
his name better than he does.

40
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Here's one for the news segment.

41
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Or as Roger calls it, the news "seg-ment."

42
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All right, I'll give this to the guys.

43
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By the way, there's a new invention
called computers.

44
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You may wanna get one.

45
00:05:14,092 --> 00:05:16,592
You know, I had one, but I like this.

46
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We started out together.
I love the feel of the paper.

47
00:05:19,050 --> 00:05:22,925
I like the fact that the key leaves a mark
that wasn't there a second ago.

48
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But I did treat myself to one of these.

49
00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:28,383
Look at you. You know how to work it?

50
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Absolutely, unless I wanna send an e-mail,
a text, or make a phone call.

51
00:05:31,675 --> 00:05:33,425
- Oh, that's not important.
- Not at all.

52
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- Wanna get something to eat?
- I have a lunch date.

53
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Look at you, Mr. Social.

54
00:05:37,925 --> 00:05:41,009
It's someone who won an auction
to have lunch with me at the charity event

55
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for inner-city libraries.

56
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Sounds like a blast.

57
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This restaurant nice. Excuse me.

58
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Oh, no.

59
00:06:26,192 --> 00:06:27,942
Sorry. Bye.

60
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Maybe you, sir. Hello.

61
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Oh, Phil Donahue. Nice to meet you.

62
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- The hell was that all about?
- Sir, hi.

63
00:06:38,483 --> 00:06:41,650
Oh, no, sorry, sorry to bother you.
Wrong person.

64
00:06:41,733 --> 00:06:43,400
Excuse me. Bye-bye.

65
00:06:44,067 --> 00:06:47,150
Excuse me. Are you, by any chance,
looking for me?

66
00:06:47,234 --> 00:06:48,483
I'm Charlie Burnz.

67
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- You gotta be shitting me.
- What?

68
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This was you?

69
00:06:51,441 --> 00:06:53,275
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

70
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You took some hits along the way, huh?

71
00:06:55,275 --> 00:06:57,775
Yeah, you might say that,
but that's a very old picture.

72
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That was actually taken on the <i>Mayflower.</i>
I did win the shuffleboard tournament.

73
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Well, belated congratulations.
I'm Emma Payge.

74
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- Emma, pleasure, thank you. Sit down.
- Sorry I'm late.

75
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Don't worry about it. Not a problem.
Glad you're here.

76
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And thank you for bidding
on me at the auction.

77
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I'm so flattered that somebody your age
would be a fan of my work.

78
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- Truth?
- Sure.

79
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I don't know who the hell you are.

80
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My ex bid on you.

81
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- You didn't?
- Nope.

82
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How did this...?

83
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Well, he's an actor,
and he was doing a scene

84
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from one of your plays
in his acting class,

85
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and he wanted to meet you,
so he bid.

86
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- How much?
- Twenty-two.

87
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- $2200? That's fantastic.
- $2200, my ass!

88
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$22.

89
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$22 was the winning bid?

90
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It started at 20, and then it went up
in 50-cent increments.

91
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Oh, that's so sad.

92
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Hello. Welcome to Le Monde.

93
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I'll be your server.
What can I get for you?

94
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- Have you eaten here before?
- No.

95
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They have the greatest steak sandwich.
That's all I get. It's fantastic.

96
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That's perfect.
I'll have the seafood salad.

97
00:08:06,358 --> 00:08:09,316
- Okay. And for you, sir?
- I'm gonna have the...

98
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Oh, can I have extra clams,
extra calamari, and extra crab meat?

99
00:08:14,692 --> 00:08:17,275
- Of course. And for you, sir?
- I'm gonna have the...

100
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Oh, and can I have a lobster tail
right on top, with extra mussels?

101
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Lots of mussels.

102
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The ones from New Zealand, not from Jersey
because they got black hairs.

103
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Who knows what's in those?
That can be really toxic.

104
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Are you done? Because there are
a few species you haven't mentioned yet.

105
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Go ahead.

106
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- I'm gonna have the...
- Oh, can I have a Diet Coke?

107
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And for you, sir?

108
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I'm gonna have a tuna sandwich,
whole wheat toast, and an iced tea.

109
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Very good.

110
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Why would you order a tuna sandwich
when you said

111
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they had the best steak sandwiches?

112
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While you were ordering half
of the Atlantic Ocean,

113
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I developed a hankering
for the only fish left on the menu.

114
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Touché, old man. Touché.

115
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So let me ask you a question.

116
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If you don't know who I am,
how come your ex didn't come?

117
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I caught him cheating on me.

118
00:09:05,817 --> 00:09:09,233
And he said it was because
I'm the worst lay in the world.

119
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And trust me, he is wrong, okay?

120
00:09:12,441 --> 00:09:15,817
You ought to see my moves.
It's "Circus Doleil."

121
00:09:16,525 --> 00:09:19,233
Okay. Well, let's...
Let's get through lunch first.

122
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- I'd break your back, old man.
- Thank you.

123
00:09:22,191 --> 00:09:25,275
Yeah, have you laid out, dead,
with a smile on your face.

124
00:09:25,984 --> 00:09:29,900
And your kids will be like,
"How did he die? How did my dad die?"

125
00:09:29,984 --> 00:09:32,567
And I would just look at them
in their eyes and say,

126
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on top of me.

127
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That's a really lovely thought.

128
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You funny, old man.

129
00:09:42,817 --> 00:09:47,483
I'm glad I came, even if it was
to shove you up my ex's big fat ass.

130
00:09:47,567 --> 00:09:49,859
Now, there's a compliment
you don't hear every day.

131
00:09:51,358 --> 00:09:54,191
- Whoa, look what the tide brought in.
- Yeah.

132
00:09:54,275 --> 00:09:56,358
- Thank you very much.
- Please enjoy.

133
00:09:56,442 --> 00:09:58,316
Emma, enjoy your buffet.

134
00:09:58,859 --> 00:10:02,275
So... I take it you like comedy.

135
00:10:03,067 --> 00:10:04,025
Nope.

136
00:10:04,108 --> 00:10:05,442
You don't?

137
00:10:05,525 --> 00:10:09,191
I mean, I love to laugh, but in real life.
You know what I'm saying?

138
00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:13,692
Well, you know, that's what I do
in real life. I'm a comedy writer.

139
00:10:13,775 --> 00:10:16,233
You ever watch <i>This Just In</i>
on Sunday nights on Funny?

140
00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:22,442
I also write some Broadway and movies
and five books.

141
00:10:23,442 --> 00:10:25,442
And what do you do?

142
00:10:25,525 --> 00:10:29,066
Charlie, I don't feel so good.

143
00:10:29,150 --> 00:10:31,442
Why is your face suddenly bigger
than it was before?

144
00:10:31,525 --> 00:10:35,567
- I can't feel my lips.
- Oh, are you allergic to seafood?

145
00:10:35,650 --> 00:10:37,150
Oh, shit, maybe I am.

146
00:10:37,233 --> 00:10:38,316
What should I do?

147
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:41,650
- Call the hospital. Call the hospital!
- What? What?

148
00:10:41,734 --> 00:10:43,358
Call the hospital!

149
00:10:44,233 --> 00:10:46,734
Dial the nearest hospital!
Dial the nearest hospital!

150
00:10:46,817 --> 00:10:48,734
<i>I do not know. Let me check the Web.</i>

151
00:10:48,817 --> 00:10:51,025
- Dial the nearest hospital!
- Is everything all right?

152
00:10:51,108 --> 00:10:53,775
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Okay, what did you do?

153
00:10:53,859 --> 00:10:54,775
I didn't do anything!

154
00:10:54,859 --> 00:10:56,025
These are Jersey mussels!

155
00:10:56,108 --> 00:10:58,316
- What?
- I knew they were Jersey mussels!

156
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:01,233
- Jersey? No! I'm from Jersey.
- I need emergency. Emergency.

157
00:11:01,316 --> 00:11:02,316
This is an emergency.

158
00:11:04,775 --> 00:11:06,608
Everybody, calm down. Everybody, relax.

159
00:11:06,692 --> 00:11:10,316
- We should call the ambulance.
- Siri! What is wrong with you?

160
00:11:11,108 --> 00:11:13,692
Ma'am, have you had an allergic reaction
to seafood before?

161
00:11:14,525 --> 00:11:16,734
You just randomly ordered,
and this is what happened?

162
00:11:16,817 --> 00:11:21,066
- I had a hankering.
- Okay, just relax. We're almost there.

163
00:11:21,150 --> 00:11:22,859
You're gonna be okay.

164
00:11:22,942 --> 00:11:25,150
Charlie? Charlie.

165
00:11:25,233 --> 00:11:28,275
Charlie!

166
00:11:28,358 --> 00:11:32,066
You're all I've got, Charlie,
don't leave me!

167
00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:50,150
Oh, boy.

168
00:11:52,483 --> 00:11:54,275
Mr. Burnz?

169
00:11:56,317 --> 00:11:58,483
Oh, I'm not supposed
to fill these forms out.

170
00:11:58,567 --> 00:12:01,442
- What's your relation to Miss Payge?
- She won me in an auction.

171
00:12:02,983 --> 00:12:04,150
Fine, don't believe me.

172
00:12:04,233 --> 00:12:05,483
She doesn't have insurance,

173
00:12:05,567 --> 00:12:08,191
and she really shouldn't be leaving here
by herself.

174
00:12:08,275 --> 00:12:09,817
No insurance?

175
00:12:09,900 --> 00:12:11,358
Okay.

176
00:12:11,442 --> 00:12:12,941
$1100?

177
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:15,983
Yes. And you'll get the ambulance bill
in the mail.

178
00:12:17,025 --> 00:12:18,817
You can pay me on the way out.

179
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:21,983
- Your daughter is going to be fine.
- My d...?

180
00:12:22,066 --> 00:12:23,941
Great. Isn't that great?

181
00:12:24,025 --> 00:12:27,650
She told me all about how you adopted her
from that orphanage in Kenya.

182
00:12:27,734 --> 00:12:29,525
- That's very special.
- Oh, she told you?

183
00:12:29,609 --> 00:12:31,483
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well...

184
00:12:31,567 --> 00:12:33,900
Well, she is special.

185
00:12:33,983 --> 00:12:35,692
Well, this is a pretty severe reaction.

186
00:12:35,775 --> 00:12:37,900
Are there other allergies
that I should know about?

187
00:12:37,983 --> 00:12:40,233
Well, I think really you should talk
to her about that

188
00:12:40,317 --> 00:12:43,692
or I can put you in touch
with one of the elders of her tribe.

189
00:12:43,775 --> 00:12:46,317
You could ask for Mbolo.

190
00:12:47,317 --> 00:12:49,442
It's good that you reacted
as quickly as you did.

191
00:12:49,525 --> 00:12:51,525
A little longer
may have been a different story.

192
00:12:51,609 --> 00:12:53,609
Here are her prescriptions.

193
00:12:53,692 --> 00:12:55,567
Pharmacy is that way.

194
00:12:59,233 --> 00:13:00,692
$600?

195
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:04,567
So far, a tuna sandwich
cost me close to two grand.

196
00:13:04,650 --> 00:13:07,358
- Welcome to New York, pal.
- What's this?

197
00:13:07,442 --> 00:13:10,025
That's epinephrine.
You need to inject her within the hour.

198
00:13:10,108 --> 00:13:11,609
- And if I don't?
- She'll die.

199
00:13:12,609 --> 00:13:13,609
Next.

200
00:13:15,442 --> 00:13:21,400
"Remove blue safety release
by pulling up, straight up."

201
00:13:21,483 --> 00:13:23,567
- Okay.
- What's taking so long?

202
00:13:23,650 --> 00:13:26,191
I'm having trouble reading the directions
without my glasses.

203
00:13:26,275 --> 00:13:28,650
And honestly,
I'm a little nervous about it.

204
00:13:28,734 --> 00:13:29,859
- Okay.
- Oh, no.

205
00:13:29,941 --> 00:13:32,275
Hell, no. Put that thing down.

206
00:13:32,358 --> 00:13:35,150
Ain't no way in hell I'm gonna let you
stab me with that Lego stick

207
00:13:35,233 --> 00:13:38,192
while your hand shaking like that.
You might put out one of my eyes.

208
00:13:38,275 --> 00:13:41,233
But they said I have to do it
within the hour or you'll be in trouble.

209
00:13:41,317 --> 00:13:44,150
Well, we'll just wait an hour.
If I'm not dead, you can go home.

210
00:13:44,233 --> 00:13:46,233
Fine. Enjoy your bloating.

211
00:13:49,150 --> 00:13:51,400
All right. Stick me, old man.

212
00:14:00,150 --> 00:14:01,400
Motherf...!

213
00:14:02,858 --> 00:14:04,275
Son of a...!

214
00:14:05,900 --> 00:14:06,817
Okay.

215
00:14:06,900 --> 00:14:08,983
Show time's over.

216
00:14:10,734 --> 00:14:13,233
Make me some tea, maybe it'll
help with the bloating...

217
00:14:13,317 --> 00:14:16,233
"Only hold in for a few seconds."

218
00:14:23,233 --> 00:14:24,567
"Slippery when wet?"

219
00:14:24,650 --> 00:14:26,775
- You looked?
- I had to. I really...

220
00:14:26,858 --> 00:14:30,317
I had to. That's not something you wanna
do with your eyes closed. Believe me.

221
00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:33,317
It could have ended up someplace
that we would not be happy about.

222
00:14:34,983 --> 00:14:39,192
Thank you. I promise I will pay you back
every dime that you laid out.

223
00:14:39,275 --> 00:14:41,400
You don't have to do that.
How are you feeling?

224
00:14:41,484 --> 00:14:43,900
Like you shot me up
with five six-hour energy drinks.

225
00:14:43,983 --> 00:14:47,233
So I've got about a good 30 hours
of energy! I'm lit!

226
00:14:48,941 --> 00:14:50,858
- Can I ask you something?
- What?

227
00:14:50,941 --> 00:14:52,775
Why did you tell the doctor
that I was your father?

228
00:14:52,858 --> 00:14:55,525
I thought it would be cool
to have a white dad.

229
00:14:55,609 --> 00:14:57,734
And the orphanage story?

230
00:14:57,816 --> 00:14:59,317
I was a little loopy by then.

231
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,108
I'm sure that was the mussels talking.

232
00:15:01,192 --> 00:15:03,108
Yup, those mussels
were definitely talking.

233
00:15:03,192 --> 00:15:05,025
Yeah, must have been.

234
00:15:05,108 --> 00:15:07,775
Well, listen, try to get some rest.

235
00:15:07,858 --> 00:15:09,941
Do you need anything else?
I have 20 bucks left.

236
00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:12,567
I'll be fine.

237
00:15:12,650 --> 00:15:16,025
Look, I wanna apologize to you
for saying all that stuff about my ex.

238
00:15:16,108 --> 00:15:17,650
I should have never done that.

239
00:15:17,734 --> 00:15:20,442
You are a good man,
and that was not fair to you.

240
00:15:20,525 --> 00:15:23,775
- Hey, I understand. This way out?
- Yep, that way.

241
00:15:25,233 --> 00:15:26,650
- Perky.
- Yeah.

242
00:15:38,858 --> 00:15:39,983
Good try.

243
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:45,275
- All right, that's...
- It's all right. It's a base hit.

244
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:57,317
Sorry, Rex. That's a match.

245
00:15:59,816 --> 00:16:01,400
I don't know why you play against me.

246
00:16:01,484 --> 00:16:04,067
- It's good aerobics.
- Yeah, for me.

247
00:16:04,150 --> 00:16:07,233
I'm running around like crazy.
I'm gasping for air. You just...

248
00:16:07,317 --> 00:16:10,150
You just stand at the net.
Somehow it's six-love, six-love.

249
00:16:10,233 --> 00:16:12,275
- Six-love?
- Six feet...

250
00:16:12,358 --> 00:16:14,941
You get perverse pleasure
beating your only son like this?

251
00:16:15,025 --> 00:16:16,192
Yeah, a lot.

252
00:16:19,691 --> 00:16:20,858
Listen, Dad...

253
00:16:22,192 --> 00:16:26,275
Francine wants to know if you are coming
to Lindsay's bat mitzvah.

254
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:30,609
My daughter wants to know if I'm coming
to my granddaughter's bat mitzvah?

255
00:16:30,691 --> 00:16:33,317
- Why wouldn't I?
- She says you never RSVP'd.

256
00:16:34,858 --> 00:16:38,609
Why didn't she just call
instead of asking you to ask me?

257
00:16:38,691 --> 00:16:40,484
Dad, don't be upset.
You know how she gets.

258
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:42,233
It'll be a fun day. We'll be together.

259
00:16:42,317 --> 00:16:44,691
I don't want Lindsay to think
that I wasn't gonna come.

260
00:16:44,775 --> 00:16:46,983
Who knows what your sister says to her?

261
00:16:47,067 --> 00:16:48,983
Just give her a call.

262
00:16:51,067 --> 00:16:54,233
This was fun. I'll see you next week?

263
00:16:54,317 --> 00:16:56,900
When I lose to you, again.

264
00:16:56,983 --> 00:16:58,400
I gotta go.

265
00:16:58,484 --> 00:17:01,192
I have a 3:00. I'm a little nervous.

266
00:17:01,275 --> 00:17:05,067
I'm submitting my design
for a new building in Union Square.

267
00:17:05,150 --> 00:17:07,650
Well, it could be a big thing for me.

268
00:17:07,733 --> 00:17:10,108
I RSVP'd. I know I RSVP'd.

269
00:17:10,192 --> 00:17:13,317
Dad, don't worry about that.
And wish me luck.

270
00:17:14,025 --> 00:17:15,150
About what?

271
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:19,317
For my building, for the design.

272
00:17:19,983 --> 00:17:24,192
Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

273
00:17:25,192 --> 00:17:26,858
Yeah. I'll see you.

274
00:17:28,441 --> 00:17:30,400
I'm gonna call her right now.

275
00:17:30,484 --> 00:17:32,900
<i>Daddy! Daddy!</i>

276
00:17:32,983 --> 00:17:34,192
Daddy!

277
00:17:34,275 --> 00:17:35,400
Daddy!

278
00:17:35,483 --> 00:17:38,566
I did something wrong, Daddy!

279
00:17:38,650 --> 00:17:41,399
I'm scared! Daddy!

280
00:17:42,442 --> 00:17:44,607
<i>Daddy!</i>

281
00:17:53,608 --> 00:17:57,150
Oh, hi. This is... Craziest thing. I...

282
00:17:57,233 --> 00:18:00,025
- I forgot what locker I was using.
- That's okay.

283
00:18:00,108 --> 00:18:01,067
I have a master.

284
00:18:02,150 --> 00:18:05,192
- Let's start with this row.
- Okay, good.

285
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:31,816
That's perfect.

286
00:18:31,900 --> 00:18:35,108
You're gonna crush this.
Give me a high-five.

287
00:18:36,359 --> 00:18:39,150
I'm proud of you.
You're doing so beautifully.

288
00:18:39,234 --> 00:18:43,317
Yeah. I'm just getting a little nervous
about my speech.

289
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:46,608
- Have you started writing it yet?
- Yeah.

290
00:18:50,150 --> 00:18:51,733
It's your grandfather.

291
00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:54,484
Hi, Papa Charlie.

292
00:18:54,566 --> 00:18:57,400
Hey, Lindsay, honey.
How's my bat mitzvah girl?

293
00:18:57,484 --> 00:18:58,733
Good.

294
00:18:58,816 --> 00:19:00,192
Ask him if he's coming.

295
00:19:00,275 --> 00:19:02,067
What do you mean? Grandpa's not coming?

296
00:19:02,150 --> 00:19:04,108
- Are you coming?
- That's why I'm calling.

297
00:19:05,816 --> 00:19:08,359
Of course I'm coming.
I wouldn't miss that for the world.

298
00:19:08,442 --> 00:19:11,775
- Great. I'm so happy.
- <i>Hey, when you're happy, I'm happy.</i>

299
00:19:11,858 --> 00:19:15,775
- Can I speak to your Mom?
- <i>Tell him I can't talk to him right now.</i>

300
00:19:17,525 --> 00:19:19,858
She said she'll call you back.

301
00:19:20,442 --> 00:19:22,234
Yeah. Okay.

302
00:19:22,317 --> 00:19:23,775
I can't wait to see you.

303
00:19:23,858 --> 00:19:25,108
<i>I can't wait to see you too.</i>

304
00:19:25,192 --> 00:19:28,108
So tell me. You got a pretty dress?

305
00:19:28,192 --> 00:19:29,900
You're gonna have to see when you come.

306
00:19:29,983 --> 00:19:32,192
<i>Okay.</i>

307
00:19:33,484 --> 00:19:35,858
Can you help me with my speech?

308
00:19:35,942 --> 00:19:38,900
Yeah, of course.
We'll punch it up real good.

309
00:19:40,067 --> 00:19:43,566
- Yeah.
- <i>Okay, kid. See you soon.</i>

310
00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:45,983
I had a bad day.

311
00:19:46,983 --> 00:19:50,275
Thanks for seeing me so late.
I really appreciate it.

312
00:19:50,359 --> 00:19:56,483
I... I couldn't remember
where my locker was in my health club.

313
00:19:56,566 --> 00:19:58,733
I've been going there for years.

314
00:19:59,359 --> 00:20:01,234
So damn embarrassing.

315
00:20:01,317 --> 00:20:03,150
That should be expected.

316
00:20:03,234 --> 00:20:07,025
Don't panic.
Are you doing what we talked about?

317
00:20:08,025 --> 00:20:10,733
Yeah. I tried not to vary my routine.

318
00:20:10,817 --> 00:20:14,192
I walk the same way to work every day.
I eat right.

319
00:20:14,983 --> 00:20:16,858
Getting some exercise.

320
00:20:16,942 --> 00:20:19,359
And I'm taking my meds.

321
00:20:19,442 --> 00:20:22,108
And by the way, that Namenda.

322
00:20:22,192 --> 00:20:25,108
Oh, man, it's so constipating.

323
00:20:25,192 --> 00:20:26,566
- It... Sorry?
- Sorry about that.

324
00:20:26,650 --> 00:20:30,733
I was backed up for eight days. I felt
like a python that had swallowed a deer.

325
00:20:32,067 --> 00:20:35,900
Charlie, you have medicines
to help you with that,

326
00:20:35,983 --> 00:20:37,900
and you can always give yourself an enema.

327
00:20:37,983 --> 00:20:42,525
I'm saving that for my birthday.
A little something special just for me.

328
00:20:43,483 --> 00:20:44,566
How are you sleeping?

329
00:20:45,650 --> 00:20:48,900
Why sleep when you can
stay up and terrorize yourself?

330
00:20:49,817 --> 00:20:51,775
Maybe I get four hours, maybe.

331
00:20:51,858 --> 00:20:53,775
And what about those flashbacks?

332
00:20:54,650 --> 00:20:56,942
That's the craziest thing.

333
00:20:57,025 --> 00:21:00,566
I can forget what I had for lunch
while I'm having lunch.

334
00:21:00,650 --> 00:21:03,359
But then, something flies into my head,
like, bam!

335
00:21:03,441 --> 00:21:06,817
It could be a moment,
a fragment, a sentence.

336
00:21:06,900 --> 00:21:08,525
And it's like I'm there.

337
00:21:08,608 --> 00:21:12,441
Like I can see it like I saw it
way back then. It doesn't...

338
00:21:12,525 --> 00:21:16,150
It's almost like I can smell things.
And then, black.

339
00:21:16,234 --> 00:21:19,608
It just goes black,
and it goes as fast as it came.

340
00:21:19,691 --> 00:21:21,691
It's the craziest thing.

341
00:21:24,192 --> 00:21:27,858
- How's the writing going?
- I think it helps.

342
00:21:27,942 --> 00:21:31,525
It keeps my mind active, and it helps
strengthen my denial.

343
00:21:31,608 --> 00:21:34,900
You know what, this show,
it's all of these young kids.

344
00:21:34,983 --> 00:21:38,733
I'm like the old man on the block whose
yard you don't wanna hit the ball into.

345
00:21:39,608 --> 00:21:42,400
But I still get stuff on the air.

346
00:21:42,483 --> 00:21:44,900
I still help shape the show,

347
00:21:44,983 --> 00:21:48,525
and when one of my jokes hits right,
and the audience laughs,

348
00:21:48,608 --> 00:21:50,025
there's still nothing like it.

349
00:21:50,109 --> 00:21:52,566
And I still love it.

350
00:21:52,650 --> 00:21:54,817
Good. I think you're doing well.

351
00:21:54,900 --> 00:21:59,608
We're keeping this at bay,
but it's so damn unpredictable.

352
00:21:59,692 --> 00:22:04,317
Don't let your denial
overrule your sense of reason.

353
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:07,566
There's a lot we still don't know
about this kind of dementia.

354
00:22:09,566 --> 00:22:10,400
Okay.

355
00:22:11,817 --> 00:22:13,733
- See you next month.
- Okay.

356
00:22:13,817 --> 00:22:16,358
- Unless you need me sooner.
- Okay.

357
00:22:16,441 --> 00:22:18,109
Thanks, my friend.

358
00:22:19,817 --> 00:22:22,608
Oh, by the way, I thought
the show last week was pretty good.

359
00:22:22,692 --> 00:22:24,067
Was it?

360
00:22:24,150 --> 00:22:27,400
- Who was on?
- You know, the guy, what's-his-name?

361
00:22:27,483 --> 00:22:31,483
The... From the film. He's married to...

362
00:22:31,900 --> 00:22:33,234
The one with the hair.

363
00:22:35,150 --> 00:22:37,483
Would you like some of my meds?

364
00:23:10,775 --> 00:23:15,692
You just gonna push the lady down, huh?
You just gonna run over somebody!

365
00:23:15,775 --> 00:23:17,025
You son of a bitch!

366
00:23:17,109 --> 00:23:20,525
Come back here and try that again,
you spineless bastard!

367
00:23:21,858 --> 00:23:23,525
Hey, hey, hey.

368
00:23:23,608 --> 00:23:25,400
What happened?

369
00:23:28,316 --> 00:23:33,150
I was going up the right, when I got
into a head-on collision with a dumbass

370
00:23:33,234 --> 00:23:37,358
who was coming down on the right side,
but really that's his left side.

371
00:23:37,441 --> 00:23:40,150
And it's all his fault
because this isn't England!

372
00:23:40,234 --> 00:23:42,316
How did you know where I live?

373
00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:43,733
- Google.
- Google?

374
00:23:43,817 --> 00:23:45,441
- Here.
- What's this?

375
00:23:45,525 --> 00:23:48,441
The first installment
of the money I owe you.

376
00:23:50,067 --> 00:23:52,025
You're a pole dancer?

377
00:23:52,109 --> 00:23:56,567
God, no. And this coming from a man
that makes America laugh for a living.

378
00:23:56,650 --> 00:23:57,942
My knee!

379
00:23:58,025 --> 00:24:01,316
- My fucking knees!
- Listen, listen, come upstairs.

380
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:05,150
I'll clean you up a little bit,
and then we can rinse out your mouth.

381
00:24:05,233 --> 00:24:06,692
Come on.

382
00:24:08,316 --> 00:24:12,525
Oh, okay, okay,

383
00:24:13,483 --> 00:24:14,567
Jeez.

384
00:24:15,483 --> 00:24:19,441
Man, this dude is doing it. This is nice.

385
00:24:20,608 --> 00:24:22,692
{\an8}You know a lot of old white people.

386
00:24:23,483 --> 00:24:25,733
Oprah Winfrey?

387
00:24:26,900 --> 00:24:28,650
"For Carrie"?

388
00:24:29,858 --> 00:24:31,358
Okay, here we go.

389
00:24:31,441 --> 00:24:35,858
According to this wall, not only are you
ancient, but you're also famous.

390
00:24:35,942 --> 00:24:36,817
Sit here.

391
00:24:45,483 --> 00:24:47,441
You a serial killer?

392
00:24:47,525 --> 00:24:50,441
- What do you mean?
- Well, isn't that what serial killers do?

393
00:24:50,525 --> 00:24:54,150
Collect pictures of everyone they
butchered and buried in their backyard?

394
00:24:55,275 --> 00:24:56,900
Other knee.

395
00:25:00,109 --> 00:25:02,109
- Who are they?
- Who?

396
00:25:04,191 --> 00:25:06,191
Oh, that's my family.

397
00:25:07,025 --> 00:25:09,441
Why do you have
their names written down?

398
00:25:10,150 --> 00:25:13,900
I'm writing something about them,
and it helps me stay focused.

399
00:25:14,900 --> 00:25:16,233
How did you become a writer?

400
00:25:17,441 --> 00:25:20,233
I don't think you become one.
I think you just are.

401
00:25:21,025 --> 00:25:22,692
When I was a kid I thought it was fun

402
00:25:22,775 --> 00:25:24,942
to take the truth
and make it more interesting.

403
00:25:25,650 --> 00:25:26,650
So you're a liar?

404
00:25:27,859 --> 00:25:30,067
I'm just kidding. That's beautiful.

405
00:25:30,150 --> 00:25:32,233
Yeah. Well, you're as good as new.

406
00:25:32,984 --> 00:25:33,859
Thanks.

407
00:25:35,692 --> 00:25:36,733
What was here?

408
00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:39,400
There was some picture that fell.

409
00:25:39,483 --> 00:25:41,441
Housekeeper
put it someplace, I don't know.

410
00:25:42,109 --> 00:25:43,608
Listen, I gotta get back to work.

411
00:25:43,692 --> 00:25:46,692
You gotta get back to making up shit
because your real life is boring?

412
00:25:47,316 --> 00:25:48,859
Something like that, yeah.

413
00:25:49,358 --> 00:25:52,441
Thanks for bringing me the bag
of laundered money.

414
00:25:52,525 --> 00:25:54,441
The Corleones will be very pleased.

415
00:25:55,692 --> 00:25:57,150
But you didn't have to do that.

416
00:25:57,233 --> 00:25:59,984
That's where you're wrong,
old man. I did.

417
00:26:00,900 --> 00:26:01,775
Bye-bye.

418
00:26:03,733 --> 00:26:08,650
Next is Sarah and Roger,
Paula and Gary wrote this.

419
00:26:09,275 --> 00:26:11,567
A cheesy ad for a law firm.

420
00:26:12,233 --> 00:26:13,775
Hello, I'm Jerry Loomis.

421
00:26:13,859 --> 00:26:15,442
And I'm Lorraine Loomis.

422
00:26:15,525 --> 00:26:16,775
When we got married,

423
00:26:16,859 --> 00:26:20,316
the rules of dating were much
less confusing than they are today.

424
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:21,817
And that's where we come in.

425
00:26:21,900 --> 00:26:23,108
We're the Sex Refs.

426
00:26:24,900 --> 00:26:26,942
We go on your dates with you.

427
00:26:27,025 --> 00:26:28,817
Maintaining a safe distance.

428
00:26:28,900 --> 00:26:30,191
So if there's any hanky...

429
00:26:30,275 --> 00:26:31,191
Or panky.

430
00:26:31,275 --> 00:26:34,483
We're there to help clarify what
both parties' intentions are.

431
00:26:34,567 --> 00:26:36,400
So there's no misunderstandings

432
00:26:36,483 --> 00:26:39,400
that could lead
to accusations and lawsuits.

433
00:26:39,984 --> 00:26:43,108
We deal with the he said-she said
aspects of miscommunication.

434
00:26:43,191 --> 00:26:47,275
For example, you're in a parked car
and she says, "Would you like to kiss me?"

435
00:26:47,358 --> 00:26:48,942
But he said she said:

436
00:26:49,025 --> 00:26:51,316
"Honey, can you please
stick your thumb up my ass?"

437
00:26:54,900 --> 00:26:57,025
Very different, isn't it?

438
00:26:57,525 --> 00:26:58,692
- We think so.
- We think so.

439
00:26:59,191 --> 00:27:01,775
Or if you're at the top
of the Ferris wheel,

440
00:27:01,859 --> 00:27:02,900
and he says:

441
00:27:02,984 --> 00:27:06,191
"I really don't like heights."
But she says he said:

442
00:27:06,275 --> 00:27:08,316
"Wanna see a picture
of my rottweiler's balls?"

443
00:27:11,275 --> 00:27:13,483
Now you see why you need us?

444
00:27:14,025 --> 00:27:17,150
We'll be there to protect you
from vicious accusations,

445
00:27:17,233 --> 00:27:19,567
subpoenas, and defamation suits.

446
00:27:19,650 --> 00:27:21,900
- "Sub-poena"?
- Yeah, remember we're on your side.

447
00:27:21,984 --> 00:27:23,650
No matter what side that is.

448
00:27:23,734 --> 00:27:25,608
- We're Loomis.
- And Loomis.

449
00:27:25,692 --> 00:27:27,400
And we'll see you in court...

450
00:27:27,483 --> 00:27:28,525
- Ship.
- Ship.

451
00:27:33,775 --> 00:27:35,442
That's good. That was good.

452
00:27:35,525 --> 00:27:36,525
It's subtle.

453
00:27:36,608 --> 00:27:38,025
- Yeah.
- So...

454
00:27:38,108 --> 00:27:41,734
Okay, good job.
Next sketch is from Darrell.

455
00:27:42,483 --> 00:27:44,692
Thomas Crapper Jr.

456
00:27:44,775 --> 00:27:47,692
We open on a 19th century
British schoolyard.

457
00:27:47,775 --> 00:27:50,567
A group of 9-year-old children
are milling about

458
00:27:50,650 --> 00:27:53,859
and trying to figure out what they want
to do now that school is let out.

459
00:27:53,942 --> 00:27:55,817
Wanna come over to my house?

460
00:27:55,900 --> 00:27:58,108
No. Your house smells.

461
00:27:58,191 --> 00:27:59,358
How about my house?

462
00:27:59,859 --> 00:28:02,650
No. Your house smells too.

463
00:28:02,734 --> 00:28:04,483
My house doesn't smell.

464
00:28:04,567 --> 00:28:05,400
How come?

465
00:28:06,108 --> 00:28:07,900
I'm Thomas Crapper Jr.

466
00:28:07,983 --> 00:28:10,775
My father invented the flush toilet.

467
00:28:10,859 --> 00:28:13,358
Then let's go over to his house.

468
00:28:15,233 --> 00:28:16,650
All right, all right.

469
00:28:19,233 --> 00:28:21,525
All right, guys. Very funny stuff.

470
00:28:21,608 --> 00:28:23,567
Let's put together a show.

471
00:28:24,233 --> 00:28:25,358
Sex Refs.

472
00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:28,900
You guys wrote a really funny sketch.

473
00:28:29,525 --> 00:28:30,734
But...

474
00:28:31,358 --> 00:28:34,775
But what? Sarah and Roger were hilarious.

475
00:28:34,859 --> 00:28:36,025
- Correct.
- I don't know.

476
00:28:36,108 --> 00:28:37,900
I don't know. Charlie, what do you think?

477
00:28:37,983 --> 00:28:42,191
Very funny idea. But a thumb
up the ass, rottweiler's balls...

478
00:28:42,275 --> 00:28:44,150
What are you talking about?
They got laughs.

479
00:28:44,233 --> 00:28:46,233
Of course they will. They always will.

480
00:28:46,317 --> 00:28:47,775
But is it the right kind of laugh?

481
00:28:48,442 --> 00:28:50,066
Because it's a very smart idea.

482
00:28:50,775 --> 00:28:51,775
Angry Librarians?

483
00:28:51,859 --> 00:28:53,066
- So funny.
- You should do it.

484
00:28:53,150 --> 00:28:53,983
I agree.

485
00:28:54,525 --> 00:28:55,859
Thomas Crapper Jr.

486
00:28:55,941 --> 00:28:56,817
Hell, no.

487
00:28:56,900 --> 00:28:59,609
Yeah. You know,
Darrell's option's coming up

488
00:28:59,692 --> 00:29:01,692
but he still hasn't gotten
a sketch on the air.

489
00:29:02,275 --> 00:29:03,358
It's not that bad.

490
00:29:04,900 --> 00:29:06,900
First of all,
if they spoke in English accents

491
00:29:06,983 --> 00:29:08,817
the way they were supposed to,

492
00:29:08,900 --> 00:29:12,066
it would've been a little bit better
but the whole thing's not framed right.

493
00:29:12,150 --> 00:29:14,191
Give him another shot.
He'll make it better.

494
00:29:17,650 --> 00:29:19,150
Listen, we hired Darrell

495
00:29:19,233 --> 00:29:22,859
because he wrote those
really funny essays for the <i>Lampoon.</i>

496
00:29:22,941 --> 00:29:24,775
I think it's a little hard
to make the leap

497
00:29:24,859 --> 00:29:26,859
from print to live,
that's all. It takes time.

498
00:29:26,941 --> 00:29:28,317
You think he's a good writer?

499
00:29:30,025 --> 00:29:32,066
Yeah. I think it's in there.

500
00:29:32,150 --> 00:29:33,775
But I think it needs to be encouraged.

501
00:29:33,859 --> 00:29:36,900
Listen, you guys
are a very fast crowd to run with

502
00:29:36,983 --> 00:29:40,900
and I also think that Inflection Mangler
Roger should be hit in the head

503
00:29:40,983 --> 00:29:42,483
until he says "subpoena" right.

504
00:29:42,567 --> 00:29:46,275
I mean, come on. "Sub-poena,"
what is that? A very small poena?

505
00:29:46,358 --> 00:29:47,817
That's an inferior poena.

506
00:29:47,900 --> 00:29:51,108
An underground poena? I mean,
what is his problem?

507
00:29:52,108 --> 00:29:53,941
You know, but here's the thing.

508
00:29:54,233 --> 00:29:55,775
There's a music to comedy.

509
00:29:55,859 --> 00:29:57,775
There's a music.
There are notes to comedy.

510
00:29:57,859 --> 00:29:59,567
- He's out of tune.
- We're working on it.

511
00:29:59,650 --> 00:30:02,191
Keep working because it's driving me nuts.

512
00:30:02,275 --> 00:30:05,358
- All right. What's next?
- I have to go.

513
00:30:05,442 --> 00:30:08,734
- I'm sorry, I have my... Excuse me.
- Oh, right.

514
00:30:08,817 --> 00:30:10,817
- Yeah.
- Have a great time.

515
00:30:10,900 --> 00:30:11,734
Thanks.

516
00:30:12,650 --> 00:30:13,567
I wish I could go.

517
00:30:13,650 --> 00:30:15,858
- Hey. You got a job.
- Yeah. All right.

518
00:30:15,941 --> 00:30:17,317
- Good night.
- Good night.

519
00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:18,483
Good night.

520
00:30:19,233 --> 00:30:22,150
They're honoring Charlie

521
00:30:22,233 --> 00:30:24,692
and the whole cast
at the American Film Society

522
00:30:24,775 --> 00:30:27,108
for the 30th anniversary
of <i>Call Me Anytime.</i>

523
00:30:27,817 --> 00:30:30,900
Kevin Kline, Sharon Stone,
Barry Levinson directing.

524
00:30:30,983 --> 00:30:33,609
Such a funny movie. Have you seen it?

525
00:30:34,317 --> 00:30:35,275
Yeah. It's great.

526
00:30:36,609 --> 00:30:38,775
All right. What's up?

527
00:30:40,650 --> 00:30:42,442
Look, you know I love Charlie.

528
00:30:43,108 --> 00:30:45,150
I know he gave you
your start and everything.

529
00:30:45,233 --> 00:30:47,025
But... come on.

530
00:30:47,525 --> 00:30:50,650
I just don't know what he brings
to the show anymore.

531
00:30:50,734 --> 00:30:52,734
Aside from 40 years' experience?

532
00:30:53,484 --> 00:30:55,734
And a body of work that includes shows

533
00:30:55,816 --> 00:30:57,775
that made it possible
for this show to exist?

534
00:31:00,233 --> 00:31:05,066
Look, I know how you
can question Charlie's value.

535
00:31:05,775 --> 00:31:08,900
But he's really smart
and he still writes funny jokes.

536
00:31:09,650 --> 00:31:11,150
And he's my consigliere.

537
00:31:11,983 --> 00:31:15,275
When you write sketches with
a thumb up someone's ass,

538
00:31:15,941 --> 00:31:17,484
or a rottweiler's balls,

539
00:31:18,192 --> 00:31:20,941
he's the one who reminds me
what we should be putting on the air.

540
00:31:22,150 --> 00:31:25,775
Bottom-line, as long as
I am producing this show,

541
00:31:25,858 --> 00:31:27,317
Charlie will be here.

542
00:31:29,233 --> 00:31:31,525
- Okay?
- You got it.

543
00:31:31,609 --> 00:31:32,816
- All right.
- Yeah.

544
00:31:33,650 --> 00:31:35,442
- Let's get back to work.
- Yeah.

545
00:31:45,066 --> 00:31:46,400
Go, go.

546
00:31:48,442 --> 00:31:49,816
Close the door, close the door.

547
00:31:52,317 --> 00:31:53,275
Turn off the lights.

548
00:31:54,442 --> 00:31:55,567
Come here.

549
00:31:58,442 --> 00:32:01,108
I can't do this anymore.

550
00:32:01,192 --> 00:32:02,108
Why?

551
00:32:02,941 --> 00:32:05,858
You're married, I'm married.
I don't want anyone to get hurt.

552
00:32:05,941 --> 00:32:07,317
Well, neither do I.

553
00:32:08,692 --> 00:32:11,358
I just don't know what to do.

554
00:32:11,442 --> 00:32:14,150
But wait, wait, wait. Let's make a plan.

555
00:32:14,233 --> 00:32:18,233
Every year, we will meet
here in the Tuckmans' bathroom,

556
00:32:18,317 --> 00:32:19,816
at their Halloween party.

557
00:32:20,692 --> 00:32:24,067
- What about the Tuckmans' Christmas party?
- No, we've got to be strong.

558
00:32:28,400 --> 00:32:31,233
Hi, how are you?
Thank you all for being here.

559
00:32:31,317 --> 00:32:33,275
Good evening, I'm Bob Costas.

560
00:32:34,733 --> 00:32:38,358
Please welcome,
the director of <i>Call Me Anytime,</i>

561
00:32:38,442 --> 00:32:39,609
Barry Levinson.

562
00:32:39,692 --> 00:32:41,941
Its writer, Charlie Burnz,

563
00:32:42,025 --> 00:32:46,275
and its stars,
Kevin Kline and Sharon Stone.

564
00:32:53,233 --> 00:32:55,442
I have to say, right off the top.

565
00:32:55,525 --> 00:32:57,733
I really loved this film.

566
00:32:57,816 --> 00:33:00,400
In fact, I'm bypassing
a Mets-Astros game tonight

567
00:33:00,484 --> 00:33:02,691
just to be here, to do this instead.

568
00:33:02,775 --> 00:33:04,691
All right, so what's the
germ of all this?

569
00:33:04,775 --> 00:33:05,983
How did it all get started?

570
00:33:06,858 --> 00:33:12,192
Well, Charlie and I originally met
on <i>The Carol Burnett Show</i> ages ago.

571
00:33:12,275 --> 00:33:15,525
And he wrote a lot of very funny sketches.

572
00:33:16,150 --> 00:33:20,442
Shy guy, always called me Mr. Levinson.

573
00:33:20,525 --> 00:33:21,983
Even though we were friendly.

574
00:33:22,484 --> 00:33:27,400
All right, what happened was I read
Charlie's script and I thought:

575
00:33:27,484 --> 00:33:29,025
"Well this is a perfect film to do."

576
00:33:29,816 --> 00:33:33,067
So the next day, I get a call
from Barry and he says:

577
00:33:33,150 --> 00:33:36,233
"I just read this script, it's terrific.
You gotta read it.

578
00:33:36,317 --> 00:33:38,025
The character, she's you."

579
00:33:38,108 --> 00:33:41,733
And I said, "She's completely compulsive,
she'll do anything. I'm in."

580
00:33:43,567 --> 00:33:49,484
And then the next day, he called me.
I read the script and then I was in.

581
00:33:49,567 --> 00:33:54,609
Literally three days later, we got a go.
And I called Charlie with the good news.

582
00:33:54,691 --> 00:33:57,858
And so Charlie, you get the call,
what did Barry say?

583
00:33:58,442 --> 00:33:59,442
Who?

584
00:34:00,192 --> 00:34:01,233
Mr. Levinson.

585
00:34:03,108 --> 00:34:06,941
It's so nice to see you.
Nice to... Wow.

586
00:34:07,025 --> 00:34:08,442
It's great to meet you.

587
00:34:08,525 --> 00:34:12,567
I was just thrilled and shocked that...

588
00:34:12,650 --> 00:34:13,858
Mr. Levinson.

589
00:34:18,275 --> 00:34:21,317
Wanted to direct my first...
This was my first screenplay.

590
00:34:21,400 --> 00:34:26,442
And that Kevin Kline was gonna play Ben,
and that... help me.

591
00:34:26,524 --> 00:34:28,484
- Meryl Streep.
- Hello.

592
00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:31,775
Was gonna play Iris.

593
00:34:31,858 --> 00:34:34,899
And I kept thinking,
if my parents were alive,

594
00:34:34,982 --> 00:34:36,691
this good news would've killed them.

595
00:34:38,483 --> 00:34:43,233
Charlie's work is... It's not just comedic,
there's a humanity to it.

596
00:34:43,317 --> 00:34:46,733
And I think it shows
people as real people.

597
00:34:46,816 --> 00:34:48,442
It's exceptional writing.

598
00:34:56,525 --> 00:34:59,691
Hey, old man. You were great up there.

599
00:34:59,774 --> 00:35:02,359
Hey. You were inside?

600
00:35:02,442 --> 00:35:05,650
Yeah. And I loved it. Second installment.

601
00:35:05,732 --> 00:35:08,983
It's a little light, boss.
Please don't break my thumbs.

602
00:35:10,150 --> 00:35:13,108
Well, this is a lovely surprise.

603
00:35:13,192 --> 00:35:14,732
How'd you know about this?

604
00:35:14,816 --> 00:35:15,900
My loser ex.

605
00:35:15,983 --> 00:35:18,942
I used his ticket.
You made me laugh a lot.

606
00:35:19,025 --> 00:35:20,192
I'm really sorry.

607
00:35:21,983 --> 00:35:24,942
No, I like seeing you up there.
It was so cool.

608
00:35:25,025 --> 00:35:26,858
You've done a lot of big things.

609
00:35:26,942 --> 00:35:28,025
I got lucky.

610
00:35:28,108 --> 00:35:30,733
Being good
ain't got nothing to do with luck.

611
00:35:31,484 --> 00:35:32,442
I guess.

612
00:35:34,442 --> 00:35:36,025
Why do you have birds in your hair?

613
00:35:36,108 --> 00:35:37,067
Why not?

614
00:35:37,608 --> 00:35:39,067
Shit, what time is it?

615
00:35:39,650 --> 00:35:41,317
I'm gonna be late for work.

616
00:35:41,400 --> 00:35:42,816
- I gotta go. Come with me.
- Work?

617
00:35:42,900 --> 00:35:43,983
- Yeah. Come on.
- Now?

618
00:35:44,067 --> 00:35:44,900
Yeah.

619
00:35:44,983 --> 00:35:46,317
What do you do?

620
00:35:50,150 --> 00:35:51,942
<i>Up in Harlem, at a table for two</i>

621
00:35:52,025 --> 00:35:54,775
<i>There were four of us
Me, your big feet and you</i>

622
00:35:54,858 --> 00:35:57,566
<i>From your ankles up
I say you sure look sweet</i>

623
00:35:57,650 --> 00:36:00,400
<i>But from there down
There's just too much feet!</i>

624
00:36:00,484 --> 00:36:02,192
<i>Yeah, your feet too big</i>

625
00:36:02,275 --> 00:36:05,108
<i>I don't want ya
'Cause your feet's too big</i>

626
00:36:05,192 --> 00:36:07,691
<i>I can't use ya
'Cause your feet's too big</i>

627
00:36:07,775 --> 00:36:10,192
<i>I really hate ya
'Cause your feet's too big</i>

628
00:36:10,275 --> 00:36:11,858
Your feet's too big!

629
00:36:14,691 --> 00:36:17,608
<i>Where d'ya get 'em?
Where d'ya get 'em?</i>

630
00:36:17,691 --> 00:36:20,067
<i>Your girl, she likes ya
She thinks you're nice</i>

631
00:36:20,150 --> 00:36:22,816
<i>Got what it takes to go to paradise</i>

632
00:36:22,900 --> 00:36:25,525
<i>She likes your face
Said she likes your rig</i>

633
00:36:25,608 --> 00:36:28,566
<i>But, man, oh, man
Them things are too big</i>

634
00:36:28,650 --> 00:36:29,858
<i>Your feet's too big</i>

635
00:36:29,942 --> 00:36:32,817
<i>I don't want ya
'Cause your feet's too big</i>

636
00:36:32,900 --> 00:36:35,442
<i>I'm mad at ya
'Cause your feet's too big</i>

637
00:36:35,525 --> 00:36:38,025
<i>I hate ya
'Cause your feet's too big</i>

638
00:36:39,483 --> 00:36:42,359
Yeah, I come from a pretty small family.

639
00:36:43,691 --> 00:36:46,983
My mom and dad were singers.

640
00:36:47,067 --> 00:36:48,400
Mo and Jessie.

641
00:36:48,942 --> 00:36:50,858
They were kind of like
Ashford and Simpson.

642
00:36:50,942 --> 00:36:52,317
But they never made it big

643
00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:55,775
because there was already
an Ashford and Simpson.

644
00:36:56,400 --> 00:36:59,192
We used to have a lot of fun,
they thought me how to harmonize,

645
00:36:59,691 --> 00:37:03,900
and my dad made these
really cool weathervanes.

646
00:37:03,983 --> 00:37:08,234
And my mom, she had these
beautiful dreamcatchers that she makes.

647
00:37:08,317 --> 00:37:11,650
They live just outside of Charlotte.
I love them both to pieces.

648
00:37:12,192 --> 00:37:13,275
They sound great.

649
00:37:16,817 --> 00:37:19,150
I love the way
the air smells after it rains.

650
00:37:20,441 --> 00:37:24,317
Listen, if you ever need my help
with what you're going through right now,

651
00:37:24,983 --> 00:37:27,733
even if you need someone to talk to,
I'm here.

652
00:37:27,817 --> 00:37:31,192
Well, thank you very much.
But what are you talking about?

653
00:37:31,900 --> 00:37:34,275
You forgot Sharon Stone
and Barry Levinson's names?

654
00:37:34,942 --> 00:37:36,608
Oh, that. I get a little tongue tied.

655
00:37:36,691 --> 00:37:38,025
I don't like being on-stage.

656
00:37:38,109 --> 00:37:39,234
And what stage were you on

657
00:37:39,317 --> 00:37:41,733
when you wrote your family's names
under their pictures?

658
00:37:41,817 --> 00:37:43,109
I told you, that's how I work.

659
00:37:43,192 --> 00:37:45,317
It's a project that I'm working on, and...

660
00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:48,691
Look, I know what you told me,
but don't bullshit me, old man.

661
00:37:52,817 --> 00:37:54,566
It started innocently enough.

662
00:37:55,317 --> 00:37:59,400
I'd have trouble remembering things.
A name, a place, a fork.

663
00:38:00,317 --> 00:38:02,275
And I think,
"You're getting older, Charlie.

664
00:38:02,359 --> 00:38:04,109
You know, you're having senior moments."

665
00:38:04,983 --> 00:38:07,025
But one day,
I'm having lunch with this guy,

666
00:38:07,109 --> 00:38:08,900
and I can't remember his name.

667
00:38:08,983 --> 00:38:10,942
He's going on and on and on.

668
00:38:11,025 --> 00:38:12,400
I'm thinking, "Who the hell is this?"

669
00:38:12,483 --> 00:38:14,817
Then he cracks himself up
and he starts laughing.

670
00:38:14,900 --> 00:38:17,691
So I faked laughing.
Just to go along with him.

671
00:38:17,775 --> 00:38:23,109
And while I'm laughing, I'm panicking.
Thinking, "Who the hell is this?"

672
00:38:23,192 --> 00:38:24,608
Did you know him?

673
00:38:26,441 --> 00:38:27,733
He was my son.

674
00:38:31,733 --> 00:38:34,608
Yeah. It's happening.

675
00:38:36,317 --> 00:38:39,025
Jesus, old man. I'm sorry.

676
00:38:44,942 --> 00:38:45,817
Who's Carrie?

677
00:38:47,692 --> 00:38:50,733
I saw that on the title page
at your house.

678
00:38:52,733 --> 00:38:54,150
Carrie was my wife.

679
00:38:55,608 --> 00:38:56,525
She died.

680
00:38:58,441 --> 00:38:59,775
Long time ago.

681
00:39:01,942 --> 00:39:05,317
And I'm writing something for her.

682
00:39:06,067 --> 00:39:08,400
And I have to finish
before my words run out.

683
00:39:08,483 --> 00:39:10,317
When did you start working on it?

684
00:39:11,067 --> 00:39:13,067
About an hour after I was diagnosed.

685
00:39:14,067 --> 00:39:15,316
And how's it going?

686
00:39:15,400 --> 00:39:16,858
It's going really well.

687
00:39:17,650 --> 00:39:20,775
My mama would call that
a crock of lukewarm horseshit.

688
00:39:20,858 --> 00:39:22,441
Don't lie to me, old man.

689
00:39:23,025 --> 00:39:25,566
I know you haven't started
writing one single word.

690
00:39:26,650 --> 00:39:28,316
- Let me see your phone.
- My phone?

691
00:39:28,400 --> 00:39:29,608
- Your phone.
- Okay.

692
00:39:31,192 --> 00:39:32,067
Okay.

693
00:39:33,025 --> 00:39:36,733
This is my name, this is my number, okay?

694
00:39:36,817 --> 00:39:38,566
Now, even if you don't wanna contact me,

695
00:39:38,650 --> 00:39:43,608
I just want you to know that I'm not some
allergic-to-shellfish nut

696
00:39:43,692 --> 00:39:45,441
that's half your age plus four,

697
00:39:45,525 --> 00:39:47,650
that wants to help you
because you helped me.

698
00:39:48,275 --> 00:39:49,858
You don't stop for commas, do you?

699
00:39:50,566 --> 00:39:51,942
Life's too short for commas.

700
00:39:59,025 --> 00:40:01,817
Darrell, this is better.

701
00:40:02,483 --> 00:40:03,858
Try this as a tag.

702
00:40:05,025 --> 00:40:08,150
Let's do it in the dress rehearsal.
What do you think?

703
00:40:09,109 --> 00:40:11,275
Yeah. That's great.

704
00:40:11,358 --> 00:40:12,900
- Are we good?
- Yeah. Thanks.

705
00:40:12,984 --> 00:40:14,275
- Good. Alrighty.
- All right.

706
00:40:15,775 --> 00:40:17,525
Do you want to come to my house and play?

707
00:40:17,608 --> 00:40:19,775
No, your house smells.

708
00:40:20,525 --> 00:40:22,441
Then come to my house and play.

709
00:40:22,525 --> 00:40:25,316
No, your house smells too.

710
00:40:26,358 --> 00:40:29,441
My house doesn't smell. We can play there.

711
00:40:29,525 --> 00:40:31,441
Oh, he's Thomas Crapper's son.

712
00:40:31,525 --> 00:40:33,358
His father invented the flushing toilet.

713
00:40:34,109 --> 00:40:35,817
That's a lot of crap.

714
00:40:36,525 --> 00:40:38,775
Not anymore.

715
00:40:38,858 --> 00:40:40,900
Let's go to his house!

716
00:40:41,650 --> 00:40:46,942
Ah, yes. Thomas Crapper,
the father of the modern toilet.

717
00:40:47,025 --> 00:40:49,067
I'm Jeff Goldblum.

718
00:40:52,858 --> 00:40:58,900
This has been a little-known moment
in indoor plumbing history.

719
00:41:00,525 --> 00:41:03,942
Change your toilet. Change the world.

720
00:41:04,900 --> 00:41:06,817
Commercial break! Two minutes.

721
00:41:10,025 --> 00:41:11,025
Not bad.

722
00:41:11,109 --> 00:41:13,984
- Great fix, Darrell.
- The Goldblum thing was funny.

723
00:41:14,067 --> 00:41:14,942
Thanks.

724
00:41:15,025 --> 00:41:19,233
I think we'll slot it after the third
commercial break. Got one on the air.

725
00:41:19,316 --> 00:41:20,483
All right.

726
00:41:22,025 --> 00:41:24,233
Yeah. Yeah.

727
00:41:48,692 --> 00:41:50,150
<i>How did you meet Carrie?</i>

728
00:41:59,900 --> 00:42:02,817
<i>Come on, old man. How did you two meet?</i>

729
00:42:11,109 --> 00:42:13,025
Damn it, I hate this stuff.

730
00:42:14,775 --> 00:42:16,608
Hey, you know what really does the trick?

731
00:42:17,942 --> 00:42:18,942
What?

732
00:42:19,025 --> 00:42:19,900
Butter.

733
00:42:20,900 --> 00:42:23,067
- Did you just say butter?
- I'm telling you. Butter.

734
00:42:23,150 --> 00:42:26,067
No, really. There's a lot of tar
on the beach this year.

735
00:42:26,150 --> 00:42:30,191
What you do is you take a stick of butter
and just keep rubbing it into the tar

736
00:42:30,275 --> 00:42:33,692
and somehow it breaks it down,
you can just wipe it away

737
00:42:33,775 --> 00:42:35,900
and you don't have to use
that tomahawk of a shell

738
00:42:35,984 --> 00:42:37,900
that you're using
which is probably taking off

739
00:42:37,984 --> 00:42:39,859
all the epidermis
on the bottom of your foot.

740
00:42:40,567 --> 00:42:42,567
- Hi.
- Hi.

741
00:42:42,650 --> 00:42:43,984
I'm Charlie Burnz.

742
00:42:44,067 --> 00:42:45,316
Hello, Charlie Burnz.

743
00:42:47,525 --> 00:42:48,650
I'm Carrie.

744
00:42:48,733 --> 00:42:52,859
Carrie? Is that short for Caren
or Carina or a Catherine?

745
00:42:53,358 --> 00:42:55,483
- Florence.
- Florence?

746
00:42:55,567 --> 00:42:56,483
Don't ask.

747
00:42:56,984 --> 00:42:59,567
Florence. Well that's a great
old-fashioned name.

748
00:42:59,650 --> 00:43:01,775
That's one of the names
of one of my relatives.

749
00:43:01,859 --> 00:43:04,733
I could never imagine
my relatives as babies.

750
00:43:04,817 --> 00:43:06,233
Herman, come away from the water.

751
00:43:06,316 --> 00:43:08,442
Irving, don't put that
puppy in your mouth.

752
00:43:08,525 --> 00:43:12,108
Mildred just pooped in the toilet.
A big hand for Mildred.

753
00:43:12,692 --> 00:43:15,358
- You don't hear those names.
- That's true.

754
00:43:16,900 --> 00:43:20,650
Listen, I live in that white house,
like, right over there.

755
00:43:20,733 --> 00:43:23,650
And I happen to have
like half a ton of butter.

756
00:43:23,734 --> 00:43:24,775
So, if you...

757
00:43:24,859 --> 00:43:29,233
Yeah, I won a dairy contest.
You had to guess how much the cow weighed.

758
00:43:29,316 --> 00:43:31,692
And I can de-tar you.

759
00:43:31,775 --> 00:43:34,066
And I mean that in a very respectful way.

760
00:43:36,150 --> 00:43:37,233
Okay.

761
00:43:45,108 --> 00:43:46,775
Wow, is that a paint-by-number?

762
00:43:47,692 --> 00:43:51,066
It's you again. Hello, Charlie Burnz.

763
00:43:51,150 --> 00:43:52,233
Hey, Carrie.

764
00:43:52,900 --> 00:43:53,942
It's really good.

765
00:43:54,025 --> 00:43:55,567
- Yeah? You like it?
- Yeah.

766
00:43:55,650 --> 00:43:57,233
- You know what else I like?
- What?

767
00:43:57,316 --> 00:43:59,525
- Steamed clams.
- Oh, yeah?

768
00:43:59,608 --> 00:44:02,025
- Yeah.
- I've never had steamed clams.

769
00:44:02,108 --> 00:44:04,233
Okay, my house, 7 p.m.

770
00:44:05,692 --> 00:44:06,525
Deal.

771
00:44:07,734 --> 00:44:13,275
Here we go. Okay, take the clam.
Spread it apart. Rinse it in the broth.

772
00:44:13,859 --> 00:44:16,942
And then to the butter.
And then to your mouth.

773
00:44:17,025 --> 00:44:19,316
It's a little bit of heaven.
Isn't it great?

774
00:44:20,066 --> 00:44:21,900
Oh, God. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

775
00:44:21,984 --> 00:44:23,650
That's disgusting.

776
00:44:23,734 --> 00:44:25,900
- Please don't sue.
- Oh, man.

777
00:44:27,191 --> 00:44:29,025
- Pizza?
- I'll call Gino's.

778
00:44:42,608 --> 00:44:44,442
I just got this rug.

779
00:44:45,567 --> 00:44:47,317
This is like tracking Bigfoot.

780
00:44:53,233 --> 00:44:54,108
Hey.

781
00:44:55,066 --> 00:44:56,066
Hey.

782
00:44:56,150 --> 00:44:57,317
Carrie.

783
00:44:58,317 --> 00:44:59,400
Good morning.

784
00:45:04,317 --> 00:45:05,191
Here.

785
00:45:06,900 --> 00:45:09,191
Good morning, Charlie Burnz.

786
00:45:10,942 --> 00:45:13,942
Here. A little something for breakfast.

787
00:45:14,567 --> 00:45:15,983
It's a beautiful day.

788
00:45:20,859 --> 00:45:22,275
Oh, God.

789
00:45:25,942 --> 00:45:27,108
Okay.

790
00:45:29,066 --> 00:45:30,400
De-tar me.

791
00:45:30,983 --> 00:45:33,817
But it seems a shame to waste
the butter on my foot.

792
00:45:34,900 --> 00:45:36,233
Come here.

793
00:45:36,317 --> 00:45:37,442
Okay.

794
00:45:40,108 --> 00:45:40,983
Hi.

795
00:45:57,150 --> 00:45:59,358
Well, hello. Old friend.

796
00:46:51,108 --> 00:46:56,525
<i>And you can't tell the depth of a well
By the length of the handle on the pump</i>

797
00:46:56,609 --> 00:47:00,066
<i>Baby, how can you tell about me?</i>

798
00:47:01,442 --> 00:47:03,941
<i>Now you can't tell a bottle by the label</i>

799
00:47:04,025 --> 00:47:06,400
<i>That's how it is with me</i>

800
00:47:06,483 --> 00:47:09,317
<i>Some folks call me a ladle,</i>

801
00:47:09,400 --> 00:47:13,233
<i>Give me a chance and you'll see</i>

802
00:47:13,317 --> 00:47:17,483
<i>You can't tell the depth of a well
By the length of the handle on the pump</i>

803
00:47:17,567 --> 00:47:18,400
Thank you, boo.

804
00:47:18,483 --> 00:47:22,150
<i>Baby, baby, baby</i>

805
00:47:22,233 --> 00:47:25,983
<i>Baby, baby
Baby, baby, baby</i>

806
00:47:26,066 --> 00:47:29,858
<i>How can you tell about me? Yeah</i>

807
00:47:29,941 --> 00:47:32,816
All right now,
make sure you make a donation.

808
00:47:33,775 --> 00:47:35,567
Thank you,
we'll see you in a few months.

809
00:47:35,650 --> 00:47:36,941
We're going on tour.

810
00:47:37,025 --> 00:47:41,025
A tour. Four months, 50 cities.
Theaters, clubs.

811
00:47:41,108 --> 00:47:42,983
- And we got a tour bus.
- Can you believe it?

812
00:47:43,066 --> 00:47:45,317
Man, it's awesome. I'm in, all the way.

813
00:47:45,400 --> 00:47:47,358
- Awesome.
- All right guys, I'll see you later.

814
00:47:47,442 --> 00:47:48,983
- See you.
- That's cool.

815
00:47:50,484 --> 00:47:51,567
You sounded great.

816
00:47:53,275 --> 00:47:54,400
What are you doing here?

817
00:47:54,484 --> 00:47:58,275
Em, I'm sorry. I messed up. Please.

818
00:47:58,358 --> 00:48:02,192
It's too late. I've moved on,
I met someone and we're in love.

819
00:48:02,275 --> 00:48:05,150
What? Already? Bullshit.

820
00:48:05,233 --> 00:48:07,150
- He's over there. Wanna meet him?
- Okay.

821
00:48:07,233 --> 00:48:09,317
Come on,
you'll see if it's some bullshit or not.

822
00:48:10,484 --> 00:48:12,108
- Hey.
- Hey, old man.

823
00:48:12,192 --> 00:48:15,192
Hi. Hey, you were great.
I mean, that was just terrific.

824
00:48:15,692 --> 00:48:16,692
What is going on here?

825
00:48:17,484 --> 00:48:21,609
Charlie, this is my ex-boyfriend,
Dwayne St. John.

826
00:48:22,233 --> 00:48:24,858
- Oh, I hear you're a fan. Thank you.
- This is your boyfriend?

827
00:48:24,941 --> 00:48:27,816
- No, he's my bae.
- You used my auction thing!

828
00:48:27,900 --> 00:48:29,983
Oh, yeah, all $22 of it.

829
00:48:30,066 --> 00:48:32,900
And thank you. It's the first day
of the rest of my life.

830
00:48:32,983 --> 00:48:33,816
Ain't that right?

831
00:48:34,650 --> 00:48:35,734
Yeah.

832
00:48:36,358 --> 00:48:39,734
- I love everything you do.
- And now he's doing me.

833
00:48:39,816 --> 00:48:41,567
Ain't that right, Charlie?

834
00:48:41,650 --> 00:48:43,609
You got that right... baby.

835
00:48:44,858 --> 00:48:46,233
We are late for lunch.

836
00:48:46,317 --> 00:48:49,983
And I would love
a seafood salad right now.

837
00:48:50,900 --> 00:48:53,233
- Okay.
- This is so crazy.

838
00:48:54,233 --> 00:48:56,650
In acting class,
I was doing the scene from your play...

839
00:48:56,733 --> 00:48:58,233
Do you wanna just take a picture?

840
00:48:58,900 --> 00:49:01,400
- Could I? Okay with you, sir?
- Sure.

841
00:49:01,484 --> 00:49:04,442
- Man, this is amazing.
- I'll take it. I know the password.

842
00:49:04,983 --> 00:49:06,525
All right, get closer.

843
00:49:07,442 --> 00:49:08,733
Okay, now, smile.

844
00:49:08,816 --> 00:49:11,525
Put your hands up in the air.
Yeah, like you won something.

845
00:49:13,650 --> 00:49:15,400
There you go. Okay.
Charlie, come up here.

846
00:49:15,484 --> 00:49:17,150
Is this good enough?

847
00:49:19,733 --> 00:49:23,858
Now you'll always remember
what me and your idol look like together.

848
00:49:23,941 --> 00:49:25,025
Bye-bye.

849
00:49:31,108 --> 00:49:33,233
- You okay?
- I will be.

850
00:49:34,067 --> 00:49:36,816
- I want some ice cream.
- Okay.

851
00:49:36,900 --> 00:49:39,442
And a triple vegan delight.

852
00:49:39,525 --> 00:49:41,775
Wow, that looks like the Olympic torch.

853
00:49:42,609 --> 00:49:44,317
Hey, I gotta change the name.

854
00:49:48,233 --> 00:49:49,858
So when would you leave?

855
00:49:50,525 --> 00:49:53,650
In like a month or so.
It's crazy how things happened.

856
00:49:53,733 --> 00:49:57,525
This record producer saw our videos and...

857
00:49:58,192 --> 00:50:00,858
he was digging us,
next thing you know, bam!

858
00:50:00,941 --> 00:50:04,484
We going on tour for four months,
on a tour bus,

859
00:50:04,567 --> 00:50:07,691
and we're already
talking about doing an album, it's...

860
00:50:07,775 --> 00:50:11,317
Charlie, I'm sorry. I'm doing all the
talking. You said something good happened?

861
00:50:12,192 --> 00:50:15,192
- I wrote last night.
- You did? That's awesome.

862
00:50:15,275 --> 00:50:17,108
It was fantastic. Just like the old days.

863
00:50:17,192 --> 00:50:20,025
Itzhak Perlman starting playing,
and I started writing.

864
00:50:20,650 --> 00:50:22,442
Izzy Perlman? Who's Izzy Perlman?

865
00:50:22,525 --> 00:50:23,941
Not Izzy Perlman.

866
00:50:24,025 --> 00:50:26,941
Izzy Pearlman
sold my parents' Venetian blinds.

867
00:50:27,025 --> 00:50:30,816
Itzhak Perlman is one
of the greatest violinists in the world.

868
00:50:30,900 --> 00:50:32,275
Ask your phone who he is!

869
00:50:32,359 --> 00:50:35,691
He lives in the building behind me
and he likes to practice at night.

870
00:50:35,775 --> 00:50:39,233
I just open my window
and it's like a free Itzhak festival.

871
00:50:39,317 --> 00:50:41,400
One of the reasons
Carrie and I bought the place.

872
00:50:48,067 --> 00:50:49,567
What was that for?

873
00:50:49,650 --> 00:50:52,567
Don't think I would've written anything
if you didn't get me started.

874
00:50:54,525 --> 00:50:56,400
- You're welcome.
- Thank you.

875
00:50:59,775 --> 00:51:00,691
Hey...

876
00:51:01,484 --> 00:51:03,775
- Are you doing anything right now?
- No.

877
00:51:04,525 --> 00:51:07,192
It's my day off. Wanna have some laughs?

878
00:51:07,275 --> 00:51:09,691
- Hell, yeah.
- Come on.

879
00:51:10,442 --> 00:51:13,233
- Wax museum?
- Trust me, it's fun.

880
00:51:13,317 --> 00:51:14,900
Don't tell me there's one of you.

881
00:51:14,983 --> 00:51:16,525
- Come on.
- Okay.

882
00:51:18,317 --> 00:51:20,900
This is Marilyn Monroe
from <i>The Seven Year Itch.</i>

883
00:51:21,567 --> 00:51:25,108
I'd be itchy too if I had
hot subway air blowing up my ass.

884
00:51:25,192 --> 00:51:26,942
Is that who I think it is?

885
00:51:28,233 --> 00:51:30,484
Hello, Dalai.

886
00:51:30,567 --> 00:51:32,900
Come on, queen. Smile, girl. Smile.

887
00:51:34,650 --> 00:51:36,733
What could he possibly be thinking?

888
00:51:38,317 --> 00:51:40,691
"Shouldn't have had the seafood salad."

889
00:51:41,900 --> 00:51:43,484
- Picasso.
- I don't dig him.

890
00:51:43,566 --> 00:51:44,442
- Why?
- Sexist.

891
00:51:44,525 --> 00:51:47,275
If I did a painting of you
with three willies, would you be happy?

892
00:51:47,359 --> 00:51:48,525
I'd be ecstatic.

893
00:51:49,900 --> 00:51:54,025
The Theory of Relativity
is never lend your relatives money.

894
00:51:54,108 --> 00:51:56,317
You can kiss that ten bucks goodbye.

895
00:51:59,275 --> 00:52:01,025
Golda, tell me again.
I don't understand.

896
00:52:01,108 --> 00:52:02,400
Okay, Mr. Arafat.

897
00:52:02,484 --> 00:52:04,942
It's "Chanukah," not "Hanukkah."

898
00:52:05,025 --> 00:52:06,566
I'm having trouble with the...

899
00:52:06,650 --> 00:52:08,566
I'm having trouble with the...!

900
00:52:09,192 --> 00:52:11,108
Pope? Party of five?

901
00:52:11,858 --> 00:52:14,942
- I am not a crook.
- Oh, bullshit, Dickie.

902
00:52:15,025 --> 00:52:16,691
Then why are you so sweaty?

903
00:52:17,234 --> 00:52:19,108
Man, he is really cross-eyed.

904
00:52:19,192 --> 00:52:22,234
That's why he didn't find
any weapons of mass destruction.

905
00:52:25,775 --> 00:52:27,484
- So you have two kids, right?
- Yeah.

906
00:52:27,566 --> 00:52:31,234
Francine teaches math
at a middle school in New Jersey.

907
00:52:31,317 --> 00:52:33,359
And my son Rex is an architect.

908
00:52:33,442 --> 00:52:35,400
And Rex is a...

909
00:52:36,234 --> 00:52:37,942
He's a pretty brilliant kid.

910
00:52:38,025 --> 00:52:41,317
He should be. He was born
at the American Museum of Natural History.

911
00:52:43,025 --> 00:52:45,317
This was so nice. Thank you.

912
00:52:48,442 --> 00:52:52,275
I wanna ask you a question.
And I'm a little nervous about it,

913
00:52:52,359 --> 00:52:55,442
because I don't remember
the last time I asked this, if ever.

914
00:52:57,983 --> 00:53:01,275
Would like to be my date
for my granddaughter's bat mitzvah?

915
00:53:01,359 --> 00:53:04,192
Her name's Lindsay
and she's the love of my life.

916
00:53:04,275 --> 00:53:06,150
And it would be
like a goodbye party for you

917
00:53:06,234 --> 00:53:08,359
except it's a bat mitzvah and not for you.

918
00:53:08,442 --> 00:53:10,858
I've never been to one before. When is it?

919
00:53:12,025 --> 00:53:14,775
- I don't remember, but soon.
- Way to narrow it down.

920
00:53:14,858 --> 00:53:18,234
- I have the invitation...
- Doesn't matter when.

921
00:53:18,317 --> 00:53:19,983
- I'd be happy to go.
- Yeah?

922
00:53:20,067 --> 00:53:22,067
- But only on one condition.
- What?

923
00:53:22,775 --> 00:53:23,942
That we dance together.

924
00:53:24,025 --> 00:53:26,733
Oh, no, no, no. You don't understand.
I'm a dangerous dancer.

925
00:53:26,817 --> 00:53:28,775
One of the few with mambo insurance.

926
00:53:28,858 --> 00:53:31,691
Oh, come on, Charlie.
It'll be so much fun.

927
00:53:32,317 --> 00:53:36,317
All right. But to be on the safe side,
wear a helmet and shoulder pads.

928
00:53:36,400 --> 00:53:38,442
- Done.
- Great.

929
00:54:06,566 --> 00:54:08,150
What's the matter, Carrie?

930
00:54:08,234 --> 00:54:10,525
I don't want the summer to be over.

931
00:54:10,608 --> 00:54:11,691
Well...

932
00:54:12,566 --> 00:54:15,317
maybe we just keep
our summer going forever.

933
00:54:17,566 --> 00:54:19,150
Good idea, Charlie Burnz.

934
00:55:11,350 --> 00:55:13,808
Stop sign... Left.

935
00:55:14,808 --> 00:55:17,183
Whoa, sorry, pal.
You can't go this way. Not safe.

936
00:55:17,267 --> 00:55:20,309
- This is the way I go.
- Sir, go this way. Not safe here.

937
00:55:20,392 --> 00:55:23,183
- I don't know that way.
- You gotta go that way.

938
00:55:23,267 --> 00:55:26,100
I don't know that way,
this is the way I go every day.

939
00:55:26,183 --> 00:55:28,559
It's a new day.
Cross the street and you'll be fine.

940
00:55:28,641 --> 00:55:31,559
- No! I have to go this way!
- Come on. Move!

941
00:55:35,309 --> 00:55:36,517
Sorry.

942
00:55:36,600 --> 00:55:38,350
What's the matter with you?

943
00:55:42,225 --> 00:55:45,975
That's the way I go. I go that way.

944
00:55:50,392 --> 00:55:53,641
What, are you crazy?
What are you doing?

945
00:55:54,267 --> 00:55:56,058
Get the hell out of the way!

946
00:55:57,392 --> 00:55:58,267
Hey!

947
00:55:59,100 --> 00:56:00,475
You, old man!

948
00:56:01,517 --> 00:56:05,142
Get the hell out of the way!
You're in the middle of the road!

949
00:56:05,933 --> 00:56:07,142
What, are you deaf?

950
00:56:47,392 --> 00:56:51,766
<i>Hey, old man! Am I crazy or did you say
your son was born in a museum?</i>

951
00:56:54,309 --> 00:56:56,892
Look at the size of this thing, honey.

952
00:56:56,975 --> 00:56:58,766
- Charlie...
- This is the only thing here

953
00:56:58,850 --> 00:57:01,558
that's bigger than you.
Look at that wishbone!

954
00:57:01,641 --> 00:57:02,933
- Charlie.
- What?

955
00:57:03,725 --> 00:57:05,392
I think my water just broke.

956
00:57:06,267 --> 00:57:09,850
We gotta get you out of here.
We gotta get you out of here.

957
00:57:12,225 --> 00:57:14,766
- I'm not gonna make it.
- Honey... I need a doctor!

958
00:57:14,850 --> 00:57:16,892
- I need a doctor!
- What's the problem?

959
00:57:16,975 --> 00:57:18,392
- My wife's having a baby.
- When?

960
00:57:18,475 --> 00:57:20,017
- Now!
- I'm gonna ask the supervisor

961
00:57:20,100 --> 00:57:22,017
- if that's okay.
- Are you kidding me?!

962
00:57:22,100 --> 00:57:23,725
- I am a doctor.
- What kind?

963
00:57:23,808 --> 00:57:25,641
- Proctologist. Okay.
- Close enough.

964
00:57:25,725 --> 00:57:27,725
Oh, God. This baby's coming fast.

965
00:57:27,808 --> 00:57:30,309
Can you do it somewhere else?
A tour group's coming through.

966
00:57:30,392 --> 00:57:32,350
Really?! I have a baby coming through!

967
00:57:32,434 --> 00:57:34,641
Take a deep breath. Relax.
Call an ambulance now.

968
00:57:34,725 --> 00:57:36,600
- Copy that.
- Hi.

969
00:57:36,683 --> 00:57:39,184
- You should know my name. It's Carrie.
- Hi. Hello.

970
00:57:39,267 --> 00:57:41,808
And that man
who looks so scared is Charlie.

971
00:57:41,892 --> 00:57:44,516
- Hi, Charlie.
- He's the daddy.

972
00:57:44,600 --> 00:57:45,767
- Good.
- What's your name?

973
00:57:45,850 --> 00:57:49,683
I'm Joe Katz. Okay? Take a breath.
Relax. You're doing just great.

974
00:57:49,767 --> 00:57:52,558
Now, listen.
I'll have to remove your underwear.

975
00:57:52,641 --> 00:57:55,892
Oh, that's a bit aggressive
for our first date, don't you think?

976
00:57:55,975 --> 00:57:57,058
There we go.

977
00:57:58,142 --> 00:57:59,892
- What should I do next?
- Nothing!

978
00:57:59,975 --> 00:58:01,808
Sure? They gave us a class with the doll...

979
00:58:01,892 --> 00:58:03,475
- Leave us alone!
- Okay. Sorry.

980
00:58:03,558 --> 00:58:06,975
Charlie. This is like that time
at Rye Playland, remember?

981
00:58:07,058 --> 00:58:10,058
At the top of the Ferris wheel?
We were so drunk!

982
00:58:10,892 --> 00:58:12,558
- You okay?
- Just trying to think.

983
00:58:12,641 --> 00:58:15,058
Who took your panties off
at Rye Playland? I wasn't there.

984
00:58:15,142 --> 00:58:16,892
- What?
- It was Coney Island!

985
00:58:16,975 --> 00:58:18,933
Oh, you're right!

986
00:58:19,017 --> 00:58:21,225
- Oh, God.
- Lean forward slowly.

987
00:58:21,309 --> 00:58:23,725
And you're gonna push when I tell you.

988
00:58:23,808 --> 00:58:26,391
Carrie, you're doing great.
Hey! What are you looking at?

989
00:58:27,184 --> 00:58:29,725
- And get these scouts out of here!
- Come on, guys. Let's go.

990
00:58:29,808 --> 00:58:31,892
- Come on, boys.
- This is bullshit!

991
00:58:32,683 --> 00:58:34,725
- You too!
- Copy that. And just a reminder:

992
00:58:34,808 --> 00:58:36,767
- we close at 5.
- Get out of here!

993
00:58:37,391 --> 00:58:39,516
Okay. The baby's here. The baby's here.

994
00:58:39,600 --> 00:58:42,267
Pull a big deep breath
and a big push, okay?

995
00:58:42,350 --> 00:58:44,475
- You can do it. There you go.
- Okay.

996
00:58:52,850 --> 00:58:55,683
Okay. Here you go. Here you go.

997
00:58:55,767 --> 00:58:56,808
Here you go.

998
00:58:57,641 --> 00:59:01,100
It's a boy. It's a boy. It's a boy.

999
00:59:03,767 --> 00:59:04,850
<i>Hey, Charlie.</i>

1000
00:59:04,933 --> 00:59:06,017
Yeah?

1001
00:59:07,391 --> 00:59:08,892
Let's name him Rex.

1002
00:59:11,725 --> 00:59:13,558
That's the perfect name.

1003
00:59:15,600 --> 00:59:18,433
I'm really glad we didn't have him
under that big whale.

1004
00:59:18,516 --> 00:59:23,683
Yeah. Because Moby Dick Burnz
would be a terrible name for our son.

1005
00:59:23,767 --> 00:59:25,892
He'd have so much trouble at school.

1006
00:59:27,475 --> 00:59:30,142
Oh, I love you, Charlie Burnz.

1007
00:59:32,641 --> 00:59:33,933
I love you too.

1008
01:00:06,725 --> 01:00:10,725
All right, Roger.
We'll cue you in five, four...

1009
01:00:10,808 --> 01:00:13,475
Three, two, one...

1010
01:00:14,017 --> 01:00:15,850
Good evening.
And welcome to another episode

1011
01:00:15,933 --> 01:00:18,308
of <i>Old People Who Have
Always Looked Old!</i>

1012
01:00:18,391 --> 01:00:21,767
Tonight's subjects are Keith Richards
and the late Mother Teresa.

1013
01:00:21,850 --> 01:00:24,017
- Oh, boy. Did you hear it?
- Yeah.

1014
01:00:24,100 --> 01:00:26,100
- How does he get away with this?
- I don't know.

1015
01:00:26,850 --> 01:00:28,017
All right, listen.

1016
01:00:29,017 --> 01:00:31,808
The sketch ideas are good,
but they don't always have to be so big.

1017
01:00:31,892 --> 01:00:34,642
Sketches can be small, more personal.

1018
01:00:34,725 --> 01:00:37,767
Something about yourself,
maybe about your girlfriend or something.

1019
01:00:37,850 --> 01:00:39,934
- That would be a problem.
- Why's that?

1020
01:00:40,017 --> 01:00:42,892
I don't have one. I'm incredibly single.

1021
01:00:42,975 --> 01:00:44,391
See? That's funny.

1022
01:00:44,475 --> 01:00:46,892
That I eat every meal alone?

1023
01:00:46,975 --> 01:00:49,391
- Oh, that's hilarious.
- No, no.

1024
01:00:49,475 --> 01:00:51,642
I'm talking
about a character for the show.

1025
01:00:51,725 --> 01:00:54,892
The incredibly single guy.
It's different than being single.

1026
01:00:54,975 --> 01:00:57,934
It's incredibly single.
There might be something funny in that.

1027
01:00:58,017 --> 01:00:59,850
- Right.
- Find out what's funny about you

1028
01:00:59,934 --> 01:01:03,142
- and then write about it.
- Okay. I'll try that.

1029
01:01:03,225 --> 01:01:05,975
- Okay.
- Can I tell you something?

1030
01:01:06,059 --> 01:01:06,934
Yeah.

1031
01:01:07,600 --> 01:01:10,017
When I was at Harvard,
I had a humor class

1032
01:01:10,100 --> 01:01:12,017
and I wrote a paper as you.

1033
01:01:12,975 --> 01:01:14,266
- Really?
- Yeah.

1034
01:01:14,350 --> 01:01:17,725
I read all your plays,
I knew your movie scripts.

1035
01:01:17,808 --> 01:01:21,558
I could even tell what jokes were yours
on whatever TV show you were writing on.

1036
01:01:21,642 --> 01:01:24,934
So I wrote a paper in your style.
Like you were at Harvard.

1037
01:01:26,059 --> 01:01:27,100
And how'd it do?

1038
01:01:28,017 --> 01:01:28,850
Got an F.

1039
01:01:29,934 --> 01:01:32,892
The professor said
we already have a great Charlie Burnz.

1040
01:01:32,975 --> 01:01:36,017
We don't have a great Darrell Green yet.
He was right.

1041
01:01:36,892 --> 01:01:41,683
Anyway, working with you
and knowing you is really special to me.

1042
01:01:41,767 --> 01:01:43,017
Oh, thank you, Darrell.

1043
01:01:43,642 --> 01:01:46,642
Listen, while I go get one of the crew

1044
01:01:46,725 --> 01:01:49,516
to vacuum out the smoke
you just blew up my ass,

1045
01:01:49,600 --> 01:01:52,808
take a whack at the incredibly single guy,
see if there's something funny.

1046
01:01:52,892 --> 01:01:55,350
- Deal.
- Good. Oh, sorry.

1047
01:01:57,266 --> 01:01:59,100
Hello? Hi.

1048
01:01:59,850 --> 01:02:01,725
Hi, yeah. No, I...

1049
01:02:02,975 --> 01:02:04,059
What to wear?

1050
01:02:05,017 --> 01:02:05,934
Oh, I don't...

1051
01:02:07,266 --> 01:02:10,225
How vintage? That's very vintage.

1052
01:02:10,308 --> 01:02:11,475
Yeah.

1053
01:02:11,558 --> 01:02:14,558
No, listen. I'm at work,
so can I call you back?

1054
01:02:15,142 --> 01:02:17,350
Okay. Bye.

1055
01:02:20,600 --> 01:02:23,642
I'm taking a date
to my granddaughter's bat mitzvah.

1056
01:02:24,225 --> 01:02:27,433
She's a... really fun person.
Never been to one before.

1057
01:02:27,517 --> 01:02:29,142
Neither have I. Can I go too?

1058
01:02:30,391 --> 01:02:32,850
I think one surprise for my family
is all they can handle.

1059
01:02:32,934 --> 01:02:35,433
And believe me,
this young woman is full of surprises.

1060
01:02:35,517 --> 01:02:37,391
- She sounds cool.
- Yeah, she is.

1061
01:02:37,475 --> 01:02:39,809
She's... She's very cool.

1062
01:02:42,308 --> 01:02:44,391
- What?
- Well...

1063
01:02:44,475 --> 01:02:45,642
you're blushing.

1064
01:02:45,725 --> 01:02:48,475
- Your face is a little red.
- Oh, that's...

1065
01:02:48,558 --> 01:02:50,391
blood pressure. Yeah.

1066
01:02:50,475 --> 01:02:52,391
Shouldn't have had the hot dog. It's...

1067
01:02:52,475 --> 01:02:54,558
- See you in a little bit.
- Bye.

1068
01:02:56,225 --> 01:03:00,809
Now that I'm a bat mitzvah girl,
I'd like to leave you with this one story.

1069
01:03:01,475 --> 01:03:04,475
So I turned to Rabbi Teplis and I said:

1070
01:03:04,558 --> 01:03:07,059
"I've been studying for years and years

1071
01:03:07,141 --> 01:03:09,475
and I ask you:
'What is the meaning of life?'

1072
01:03:09,558 --> 01:03:11,892
And you tell me life is a cookie?"

1073
01:03:14,809 --> 01:03:17,391
And Rabbi Teplis looked at me and said:

1074
01:03:17,475 --> 01:03:18,850
"You mean it isn't?"

1075
01:03:23,850 --> 01:03:26,391
So anyways, to my parents,

1076
01:03:26,475 --> 01:03:28,517
I love you so much.

1077
01:03:29,767 --> 01:03:31,558
You've given me everything I have,

1078
01:03:31,642 --> 01:03:34,225
and I wouldn't be here without you.

1079
01:03:35,017 --> 01:03:37,642
Thank you so much. I love you.

1080
01:03:38,475 --> 01:03:41,141
<i>Mazel tov!</i>

1081
01:03:47,892 --> 01:03:50,225
Let's get Lindsay up in the chair!

1082
01:03:52,475 --> 01:03:54,600
One, two, three!

1083
01:03:56,767 --> 01:03:58,892
Look out. Here comes Mom!

1084
01:03:58,975 --> 01:04:00,600
Up in the air, Francine.

1085
01:04:01,683 --> 01:04:04,725
Bend your knees, boys.
Here comes Papa Charlie!

1086
01:04:07,392 --> 01:04:08,934
Mazel tov!

1087
01:04:11,892 --> 01:04:12,975
Come on. Sit down.

1088
01:04:17,392 --> 01:04:19,350
This is amazing!

1089
01:04:19,433 --> 01:04:21,517
That's it, God. I'm converted!

1090
01:04:33,642 --> 01:04:34,475
Hi.

1091
01:04:35,392 --> 01:04:37,725
I'm Francine. I'm Lindsay's mom.

1092
01:04:37,809 --> 01:04:40,558
She is so special. You must be so proud.

1093
01:04:40,642 --> 01:04:42,934
- Yeah.
- I'm Emma, by the way.

1094
01:04:43,016 --> 01:04:44,684
- Oh, hi.
- Nice to meet you.

1095
01:04:44,767 --> 01:04:48,725
- Yes, nice to meet you.
- These spare ribs are delicious!

1096
01:04:48,809 --> 01:04:50,392
Oh, good.

1097
01:04:50,475 --> 01:04:52,600
So how long
have you been dating my father?

1098
01:04:52,684 --> 01:04:55,934
What? No, no, no. We're just friends.

1099
01:04:56,684 --> 01:04:57,517
I'm sure.

1100
01:04:57,600 --> 01:04:59,600
No. He's just really nice to me.

1101
01:05:00,350 --> 01:05:01,600
And I just love his writing.

1102
01:05:03,767 --> 01:05:05,892
Okay. So...

1103
01:05:05,975 --> 01:05:08,725
So, what do you do, Emma?
For a living, I mean.

1104
01:05:08,809 --> 01:05:09,725
I'm a singer.

1105
01:05:11,141 --> 01:05:13,225
Anything I might be familiar with?

1106
01:05:13,308 --> 01:05:14,141
No.

1107
01:05:14,725 --> 01:05:19,266
But we got a whole bunch of videos
that are blowing up on Instagram.

1108
01:05:20,308 --> 01:05:22,725
- Cool.
- You should come check us out.

1109
01:05:22,809 --> 01:05:25,100
- We perform all over the city.
- Where?

1110
01:05:26,183 --> 01:05:28,558
- Mostly underground.
- Like clubs?

1111
01:05:29,475 --> 01:05:32,141
Sometimes, but more so subway stations.

1112
01:05:32,225 --> 01:05:36,266
Like Columbus Circle,
Union Square, Penn Station.

1113
01:05:36,350 --> 01:05:38,850
You gotta check us out. You know what?

1114
01:05:38,934 --> 01:05:42,016
I'm gonna get me some more ribs
because I love meat.

1115
01:05:42,100 --> 01:05:44,308
Anything I could pet, I eat.

1116
01:05:58,892 --> 01:05:59,725
Lindsay...

1117
01:06:00,475 --> 01:06:04,475
I have to tell you how proud I am of you
that you wanted to have this bat mitzvah.

1118
01:06:05,308 --> 01:06:07,141
And I wanna give you something.

1119
01:06:12,558 --> 01:06:13,600
This...

1120
01:06:14,141 --> 01:06:16,183
This was your Grandma Carrie's.

1121
01:06:18,183 --> 01:06:19,517
And now it's yours.

1122
01:06:21,767 --> 01:06:23,225
Put your hair back.

1123
01:06:23,308 --> 01:06:24,767
See if I can...

1124
01:06:25,600 --> 01:06:27,642
Good. Oh, it looks perfect.

1125
01:06:27,725 --> 01:06:29,809
- It's really pretty.
- Yeah.

1126
01:06:30,475 --> 01:06:31,850
I'm giving you this...

1127
01:06:32,558 --> 01:06:34,850
because today is the first big step...

1128
01:06:35,725 --> 01:06:37,267
with so many more to come.

1129
01:06:38,392 --> 01:06:41,225
And I'll be there for you for all of that.

1130
01:06:42,850 --> 01:06:45,642
And I can't wait
to see who you're gonna become.

1131
01:06:47,767 --> 01:06:49,100
I love you.

1132
01:06:50,475 --> 01:06:51,475
I love you too.

1133
01:06:53,141 --> 01:06:54,392
Thank you, Papa.

1134
01:06:59,100 --> 01:07:02,809
Hey, Dad, by the way...
I got that job I was telling you about.

1135
01:07:04,058 --> 01:07:05,058
What job?

1136
01:07:06,183 --> 01:07:07,475
The building in Union Square.

1137
01:07:08,475 --> 01:07:10,684
Yeah. Anyway, they love my design.

1138
01:07:10,767 --> 01:07:13,350
Great. Isn't that great?

1139
01:07:13,433 --> 01:07:16,225
Good going, kid. Come here.
Come here. Come here.

1140
01:07:18,308 --> 01:07:21,809
That's great, huh?
You know, Rex is an architect.

1141
01:07:21,891 --> 01:07:25,517
I know. Anyone who's born in a museum
is bound to be smart.

1142
01:07:25,600 --> 01:07:28,517
- He told you about that?
- Yeah, he's very proud of you.

1143
01:07:31,016 --> 01:07:33,767
- And this is her first bat mitzvah.
- What do you think so far?

1144
01:07:33,850 --> 01:07:36,100
- It's okay so far.
- Just okay?

1145
01:07:36,183 --> 01:07:40,559
In the beginning, it was really hot
with the dancing and the chairs up, but-

1146
01:07:40,642 --> 01:07:44,225
All due respect to your tribe,
but it's a little dull now.

1147
01:07:44,308 --> 01:07:46,684
Well, the reading. It'll pick up again.

1148
01:07:46,767 --> 01:07:49,058
Well, why don't we do something
to help a little?

1149
01:07:49,141 --> 01:07:50,433
Where you going?

1150
01:07:51,267 --> 01:07:52,891
Dad. Dad!

1151
01:07:54,267 --> 01:07:55,850
Hey, hey, hey.

1152
01:07:55,933 --> 01:07:58,267
Do you have the instrumental for...?

1153
01:08:02,559 --> 01:08:06,517
Good evening, everybody.
My name is Emma Payge.

1154
01:08:06,600 --> 01:08:10,225
I'm a very good friend
of Papa Charlie's, and Lindsay?

1155
01:08:10,308 --> 01:08:12,975
Could you please come on down
to the dance floor?

1156
01:08:14,308 --> 01:08:18,142
This is my first time ever
coming to a bat mitzvah.

1157
01:08:18,225 --> 01:08:21,225
And I have to say,
so far, I feel so welcome.

1158
01:08:21,308 --> 01:08:22,975
I'm having such a good time.

1159
01:08:23,058 --> 01:08:24,975
DJ, hit that beat.

1160
01:08:25,684 --> 01:08:27,600
And this one's for you, Lindsay.

1161
01:08:27,684 --> 01:08:30,142
If you know the words
to the song, sing along.

1162
01:08:30,225 --> 01:08:33,392
If you don't, I wanna see you
dancing your heart out.

1163
01:08:33,475 --> 01:08:40,183
<i>Oh, come on
Come on, come on, come on</i>

1164
01:08:40,267 --> 01:08:47,016
<i>Didn't I make you feel
Like you are the only man?</i>

1165
01:08:48,142 --> 01:08:49,850
<i>Yeah, yeah</i>

1166
01:08:51,725 --> 01:08:55,434
<i>Didn't I nearly give you everything
a woman possibly can?</i>

1167
01:08:57,600 --> 01:09:02,559
<i>And each time I tell myself
That I think I've had enough</i>

1168
01:09:02,642 --> 01:09:05,516
<i>But what I'm gonna show you, baby</i>

1169
01:09:05,600 --> 01:09:07,808
<i>That a woman can be tough</i>

1170
01:09:07,891 --> 01:09:14,100
<i>Oh, come on
Come on, come on, come on</i>

1171
01:09:14,183 --> 01:09:15,392
<i>And take it!</i>

1172
01:09:15,475 --> 01:09:19,475
<i>Take another little piece
Of my heart now, baby</i>

1173
01:09:19,559 --> 01:09:21,267
<i>Oh, break it!</i>

1174
01:09:21,350 --> 01:09:24,933
<i>Break another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, darling</i>

1175
01:09:25,642 --> 01:09:26,932
<i>Oh, have a...!</i>

1176
01:09:27,016 --> 01:09:30,975
<i>Have another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, baby</i>

1177
01:09:31,975 --> 01:09:37,267
<i>You know you got it
If it makes you feel good</i>

1178
01:09:39,725 --> 01:09:41,850
Come here, baby. Yeah.

1179
01:09:42,974 --> 01:09:46,724
<i>You're out there on the streets
All looking good</i>

1180
01:09:46,808 --> 01:09:50,600
<i>And baby, deep down in your heart
You know that ain't right</i>

1181
01:09:53,559 --> 01:09:58,307
<i>Never, never, never, never,
Never hear me when I cry</i>

1182
01:10:00,517 --> 01:10:05,392
<i>But each time I tell myself
That I can't stand the pain</i>

1183
01:10:05,474 --> 01:10:10,517
<i>When you hold me in your arms
I'll sing it once again</i>

1184
01:10:10,599 --> 01:10:14,559
- No. Dad, she's...
- She's fantastic. She's fantastic.

1185
01:10:14,642 --> 01:10:17,016
<i>...come on, come on</i>

1186
01:10:17,100 --> 01:10:18,058
<i>And take it!</i>

1187
01:10:18,142 --> 01:10:22,183
<i>Take another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, baby</i>

1188
01:10:24,225 --> 01:10:27,517
<i>Break another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, darling</i>

1189
01:10:28,350 --> 01:10:29,683
<i>Oh, have a...!</i>

1190
01:10:29,766 --> 01:10:33,682
<i>Have another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, baby</i>

1191
01:10:34,683 --> 01:10:39,808
<i>You know you got it
If it makes you feel good</i>

1192
01:10:42,017 --> 01:10:44,267
All right. I see you!

1193
01:10:45,475 --> 01:10:46,308
There you go.

1194
01:10:47,600 --> 01:10:48,434
Yeah.

1195
01:10:49,100 --> 01:10:49,933
Look here.

1196
01:10:50,475 --> 01:10:52,683
<i>I'mma need you to come on</i>

1197
01:10:52,766 --> 01:10:54,434
No. No, thank you.

1198
01:10:54,517 --> 01:10:57,017
<i>Come on, come on</i>

1199
01:10:57,100 --> 01:10:58,267
<i>And take it!</i>

1200
01:10:58,350 --> 01:11:01,975
<i>Take another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, baby</i>

1201
01:11:02,850 --> 01:11:04,017
<i>Break it!</i>

1202
01:11:04,100 --> 01:11:07,350
<i>Break another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, darling</i>

1203
01:11:09,808 --> 01:11:13,267
<i>Have another little piece
Of my heart, yeah, baby</i>

1204
01:11:14,683 --> 01:11:17,017
<i>You know you got it</i>

1205
01:11:18,309 --> 01:11:22,975
<i>If it makes you feel good</i>

1206
01:11:25,017 --> 01:11:26,891
Francine is amazing!

1207
01:11:26,975 --> 01:11:29,392
Oh, mazel tov to all of you.

1208
01:11:29,475 --> 01:11:31,142
Mazel tov.

1209
01:11:31,225 --> 01:11:35,475
You rocked that <i>shul.</i>
I mean, it was like <i>Shabbos Night Live.</i>

1210
01:11:37,017 --> 01:11:38,559
You made the whole party.

1211
01:11:38,641 --> 01:11:41,017
I think I had more fun
than your family did.

1212
01:11:41,100 --> 01:11:43,100
Why are they looking at me like that?

1213
01:11:43,183 --> 01:11:44,808
Do they not know what's going on here?

1214
01:11:45,559 --> 01:11:47,641
Actually, they don't. Emma, listen.

1215
01:11:47,725 --> 01:11:49,267
You don't know everything.

1216
01:11:49,350 --> 01:11:52,475
- I mean, there's a lot of hard feelings.
- About what?

1217
01:11:53,641 --> 01:11:56,475
Well, they both...
Well, Francine especially.

1218
01:11:56,559 --> 01:11:59,142
...think I wasn't around enough
when they were kids.

1219
01:11:59,225 --> 01:12:03,225
Which was probably true,
but I was working, like, all the time.

1220
01:12:03,309 --> 01:12:07,058
And after Carrie died,
there was a revolving door of nannies.

1221
01:12:07,142 --> 01:12:09,183
And when I was there...

1222
01:12:10,183 --> 01:12:13,017
I had trouble
giving them what they needed.

1223
01:12:13,766 --> 01:12:15,683
I mean, I just was so sad.

1224
01:12:15,766 --> 01:12:17,434
And what do they have against me?

1225
01:12:18,558 --> 01:12:20,350
Well, after she passed away...

1226
01:12:21,100 --> 01:12:24,017
I didn't wanna get involved
with anybody, you know, I couldn't.

1227
01:12:24,100 --> 01:12:25,892
So I dated a lot of younger women.

1228
01:12:27,309 --> 01:12:29,100
So they probably looked at us

1229
01:12:29,183 --> 01:12:31,142
thinking there's something else
going on here.

1230
01:12:31,225 --> 01:12:33,142
I'm really sorry they upset you.

1231
01:12:35,142 --> 01:12:37,892
Ladies and gentlemen, Itzhak Perlman.

1232
01:12:38,392 --> 01:12:40,058
- That's him.
- Does he take requests?

1233
01:12:40,142 --> 01:12:42,434
Itzhak Perlman is a genius.
He doesn't take requests.

1234
01:12:42,517 --> 01:12:45,434
- You still owe me a dance.
- I danced with you. I danced the <i>horah.</i>

1235
01:12:45,517 --> 01:12:47,434
- The <i>horah</i> doesn't count.
- The <i>horah's</i> a dance.

1236
01:12:47,517 --> 01:12:50,975
You run around, they lift you up,
and you sweat in to your good clothes.

1237
01:12:51,058 --> 01:12:52,267
That's a dance.

1238
01:12:52,350 --> 01:12:54,475
Doesn't count.
Come on, Charlie. We're dancing.

1239
01:12:54,558 --> 01:12:56,100
- Come on.
- We're gonna go dance.

1240
01:13:00,850 --> 01:13:02,933
Who dances to a violin concerto?

1241
01:13:03,017 --> 01:13:03,850
We do.

1242
01:13:05,184 --> 01:13:06,017
Okay.

1243
01:13:23,309 --> 01:13:24,434
Oh, there we go.

1244
01:13:24,516 --> 01:13:26,725
Look out. Look out.

1245
01:14:45,725 --> 01:14:47,058
Where have you been?

1246
01:14:47,142 --> 01:14:49,309
- When?
- The last eight hours or so.

1247
01:14:49,392 --> 01:14:51,641
- Here.
- Just so I know, where have I been?

1248
01:14:51,725 --> 01:14:52,975
- Here.
- With you?

1249
01:14:53,058 --> 01:14:55,267
- Yeah.
- That's what I was afraid of.

1250
01:14:55,350 --> 01:14:57,475
Really? Because I thought it's nice.

1251
01:14:57,558 --> 01:15:00,641
Emma, I didn't want for this to happen.

1252
01:15:00,725 --> 01:15:03,017
I don't know what you mean
when you say "this."

1253
01:15:03,100 --> 01:15:07,100
But if the "this" you're referring to
is that "this,"

1254
01:15:07,184 --> 01:15:08,475
it didn't happen.

1255
01:15:08,975 --> 01:15:12,892
I got afraid of the thunder and lightning,
and I snuck in and spooned you.

1256
01:15:12,975 --> 01:15:14,433
That's it. We just spooned.

1257
01:15:14,516 --> 01:15:15,600
That's it?

1258
01:15:16,100 --> 01:15:18,059
- That's it.
- Okay.

1259
01:15:18,142 --> 01:15:20,558
Look, you're an attractive older man,

1260
01:15:20,641 --> 01:15:24,267
but your body would not be
able to handle all these groceries.

1261
01:15:24,350 --> 01:15:27,267
I'll break your back.
It's too heavy for you.

1262
01:15:27,350 --> 01:15:29,933
Can't ride this ride.
The ride is too bumpy.

1263
01:15:30,017 --> 01:15:33,767
You might dislocate your shoulder,
then you die.

1264
01:15:33,850 --> 01:15:34,850
Can't have that.

1265
01:15:36,225 --> 01:15:39,309
Anyways, thank you
for letting me sleep here.

1266
01:15:40,641 --> 01:15:41,850
You're sweet, Charlie.

1267
01:15:41,933 --> 01:15:44,475
And you might want to think about
getting some bigger boxes.

1268
01:15:44,558 --> 01:15:48,184
Because I'm not sure they can handle
your groceries. They're just too little.

1269
01:15:49,267 --> 01:15:52,683
<i>Three, two, one, now!</i>

1270
01:15:53,683 --> 01:15:57,059
I first became incredibly single
when the fetus of my twin brother

1271
01:15:57,142 --> 01:15:59,892
left the womb a month ahead of me,
because...

1272
01:15:59,975 --> 01:16:02,059
Well, he said he'd had enough.

1273
01:16:04,059 --> 01:16:07,600
This continued when I was an infant,
when my mom refused to breastfeed me.

1274
01:16:07,683 --> 01:16:11,184
She said, "Let's take things slow,
see where this goes."

1275
01:16:12,725 --> 01:16:16,475
And now, I live in this studio apartment
where I lie awake at night

1276
01:16:16,558 --> 01:16:19,516
and fantasize about having sex
with another person.

1277
01:16:20,725 --> 01:16:23,641
Which would be fun... so I've heard.

1278
01:16:25,059 --> 01:16:28,683
And I think I'd be a pretty good lover.
Find those hard to find spots

1279
01:16:28,767 --> 01:16:30,350
that drive the women wild.

1280
01:16:31,433 --> 01:16:33,059
Because I have Google Maps.

1281
01:16:34,225 --> 01:16:36,516
"In two inches, make a left."

1282
01:16:43,059 --> 01:16:46,808
If you're also incredibly single
like me, why not give me a call?

1283
01:16:47,892 --> 01:16:48,725
If not...

1284
01:16:49,975 --> 01:16:51,433
then the wrath of my god,

1285
01:16:51,933 --> 01:16:56,100
the great god Zoomgali,
who is also incredibly single,

1286
01:16:56,184 --> 01:16:57,725
will come and find you,

1287
01:16:57,808 --> 01:17:00,642
and the sounds will color the sky,

1288
01:17:00,725 --> 01:17:03,558
and he will come after you
and your loved ones,

1289
01:17:03,642 --> 01:17:06,892
and damn you to the fires of hell!

1290
01:17:08,850 --> 01:17:09,850
So call me.

1291
01:17:13,475 --> 01:17:14,683
Killing it.

1292
01:17:16,850 --> 01:17:18,808
Clear. Commercial. Two minutes.

1293
01:17:19,475 --> 01:17:21,308
That was you. That's you, dude.

1294
01:17:21,934 --> 01:17:23,975
- Killed it!
- Thanks.

1295
01:17:24,725 --> 01:17:27,266
Oh, God.
I thought my phone was off. Sorry.

1296
01:17:27,350 --> 01:17:30,266
Hello. Yeah. I'm still at the show.
I can't talk.

1297
01:17:30,350 --> 01:17:32,433
- I found it.
- What did you find?

1298
01:17:32,516 --> 01:17:37,391
That great painting of that old house
that was hanging in the empty space.

1299
01:17:37,892 --> 01:17:40,017
It's beautiful. I rehung it.

1300
01:17:40,100 --> 01:17:41,475
You're still at my house?

1301
01:17:42,142 --> 01:17:43,934
Yeah. But I'm about to go back
to my place.

1302
01:17:44,558 --> 01:17:46,308
- Take it down.
- What?

1303
01:17:46,391 --> 01:17:49,808
- Take it down. I don't wanna see it.
- I'm sorry. I thought you misplaced it.

1304
01:17:49,892 --> 01:17:53,100
Emma, I don't wanna see it,
you understand? I just don't wanna see it.

1305
01:17:53,184 --> 01:17:55,017
- <i>Get rid of it!</i>
- Fine.

1306
01:17:57,725 --> 01:18:00,433
- New girlfriend?
- No. I don't even know.

1307
01:18:01,100 --> 01:18:02,975
Hey, you're right.

1308
01:18:03,558 --> 01:18:05,100
- He's gonna be good.
- Yeah.

1309
01:18:05,683 --> 01:18:09,350
Three, two, one, now!

1310
01:18:09,433 --> 01:18:10,391
In the world of music,

1311
01:18:10,475 --> 01:18:14,433
Lady Gaga announced she is changing
her name to "Lady Gagaga."

1312
01:18:14,975 --> 01:18:17,558
She gave no explanation for her decision.

1313
01:18:17,642 --> 01:18:20,642
According to a poll, Americans
are concerned about a new axis of evil

1314
01:18:20,725 --> 01:18:22,600
that threatens our country's democracy.

1315
01:18:22,683 --> 01:18:24,391
North Korea, ISIS,

1316
01:18:24,475 --> 01:18:26,600
and Senate Majority Leader
Mitch McConnell.

1317
01:18:31,934 --> 01:18:34,433
- Moving on.
- No, no, no.

1318
01:18:34,517 --> 01:18:36,308
Is anyone bothered by this but me?

1319
01:18:36,850 --> 01:18:39,059
Do you hear that it's wrong?

1320
01:18:39,142 --> 01:18:41,350
Your emphasis... You're an emphasis moron.

1321
01:18:43,433 --> 01:18:44,808
What is he doing?

1322
01:18:44,892 --> 01:18:46,600
Everything you say is off.

1323
01:18:46,683 --> 01:18:49,017
It's not "wi fi," it's Wi-Fi.

1324
01:18:50,059 --> 01:18:54,266
It's not "polar ice caps,"
it's polar icecaps.

1325
01:18:54,350 --> 01:18:56,391
You are a comedy kamikaze.

1326
01:18:56,475 --> 01:18:58,350
Oh, wait. A "comma-kaze."

1327
01:18:58,433 --> 01:18:59,808
What the hell?

1328
01:18:59,892 --> 01:19:03,059
Anybody with a correct amount
of chromosomes...

1329
01:19:03,892 --> 01:19:07,725
would know that it's Mitch McConnell,
not "Mitch-McConnell."

1330
01:19:07,808 --> 01:19:09,892
You make it sound like
there a lot of McConnells,

1331
01:19:09,975 --> 01:19:10,934
there's only one.

1332
01:19:11,017 --> 01:19:12,308
There's no Stewie McConnell.

1333
01:19:12,391 --> 01:19:15,059
Is there a Stewie McConnell
in the house? No!

1334
01:19:15,141 --> 01:19:17,433
What the hell is going on?
Should we cut to commercial?

1335
01:19:17,517 --> 01:19:20,600
- Go to commercial?
- This is live. Just stay on it.

1336
01:19:20,683 --> 01:19:23,433
Jesus Christ.
No, I'm sorry. "Jesus, Christ."

1337
01:19:24,433 --> 01:19:26,850
Who, of course, was born in "Bethle-hem."

1338
01:19:27,517 --> 01:19:30,475
I even put in on the cue card,
because I had...

1339
01:19:30,558 --> 01:19:32,642
- You know this?
- I have no idea. No.

1340
01:19:33,183 --> 01:19:34,433
Thank you, Al. Look at this.

1341
01:19:34,517 --> 01:19:38,059
I had written the exact same size
so you would know.

1342
01:19:38,141 --> 01:19:40,892
"Mitch McConnell," not "Mitch-McConnell."

1343
01:19:40,975 --> 01:19:42,517
Mitch McConnell, you see that? Al.

1344
01:19:42,600 --> 01:19:44,934
Camera one, spin around.
Give me Al's reaction.

1345
01:19:45,017 --> 01:19:47,517
Yeah. Tell everybody.
Did I tell you that this would happen?

1346
01:19:47,600 --> 01:19:51,266
- He told me this would happen.
- Everybody. Exhibit A, Al!

1347
01:19:51,975 --> 01:19:54,183
Thank you, Al, you sweet...
Where is he going?

1348
01:19:54,266 --> 01:19:55,683
<i>Get him. Follow him.</i>

1349
01:19:56,183 --> 01:19:57,017
You.

1350
01:19:57,809 --> 01:20:00,183
Look. Look, ma'am, what does that say?

1351
01:20:00,266 --> 01:20:01,975
- "Mitch McConnell."
- Thank you very much.

1352
01:20:02,059 --> 01:20:04,809
- You, you. Stand up. What does this say?
- "Mitch McConnell."

1353
01:20:04,892 --> 01:20:07,141
- Again. I can't hear you.
- "Mitch McConnell."

1354
01:20:07,225 --> 01:20:08,391
We got a winner.

1355
01:20:09,600 --> 01:20:10,517
Dang it.

1356
01:20:10,600 --> 01:20:13,225
Take anything off the top shelf,
goddamn it.

1357
01:20:13,308 --> 01:20:15,725
Everybody, tell me. What does it say?

1358
01:20:15,809 --> 01:20:17,391
- "Mitch McConnell."
- Can't hear you.

1359
01:20:17,475 --> 01:20:18,975
- "Mitch McConnell."
- One more time.

1360
01:20:19,059 --> 01:20:20,517
- "Mitch McConnell."
- Thank you.

1361
01:20:20,600 --> 01:20:22,558
Roger, you're a very talented young guy.

1362
01:20:22,642 --> 01:20:25,892
I have to tell you, I am sick and tired
of writing jokes for you

1363
01:20:25,975 --> 01:20:28,059
and having you abuse them, you dumb turd.

1364
01:20:28,141 --> 01:20:29,059
Oh, boy.

1365
01:20:29,141 --> 01:20:30,141
Dumb turd!

1366
01:20:30,225 --> 01:20:32,642
Everybody. Dumb turd!

1367
01:20:32,725 --> 01:20:35,517
Dumb turd! Dumb turd! Dumb turd!

1368
01:20:35,600 --> 01:20:37,558
Stand up. Dumb turd!

1369
01:20:37,642 --> 01:20:38,642
Dumb turd!

1370
01:20:39,892 --> 01:20:41,642
<i>Dumb turd! Dumb turd!</i>

1371
01:20:41,725 --> 01:20:44,683
Mom, Dad, come here.
Papa Charlie is on television.

1372
01:20:44,767 --> 01:20:46,517
<i>Dumb turd! Dumb turd!</i>

1373
01:20:48,642 --> 01:20:51,225
I say dumb, you say turd! Dumb...

1374
01:20:51,308 --> 01:20:52,350
- Turd.
- Dumb...

1375
01:20:52,433 --> 01:20:53,433
Oh, my God.

1376
01:20:53,517 --> 01:20:55,308
- ...I say turd.
- Dumb...

1377
01:20:55,392 --> 01:20:56,809
I need wide, wide, wide.

1378
01:20:56,892 --> 01:20:57,892
- Dumb...
- Turd!

1379
01:20:57,975 --> 01:20:58,892
- Dumb...
- Turd!

1380
01:20:58,975 --> 01:21:00,892
Dumb turd! Dumb turd!

1381
01:21:01,642 --> 01:21:02,600
Turd!

1382
01:21:02,683 --> 01:21:04,934
Turd! That's it, I'm done. Thank you.

1383
01:21:13,600 --> 01:21:16,017
Would you get those
damn birds out of your hair?

1384
01:21:16,642 --> 01:21:17,475
Larry!

1385
01:21:23,600 --> 01:21:26,767
Camera one.
Back to Roger and reset. Take one!

1386
01:21:27,392 --> 01:21:29,350
- Thank you, "Charlie Burnz."
- No!

1387
01:21:29,433 --> 01:21:30,850
Charlie Burnz.

1388
01:21:31,725 --> 01:21:33,266
Sorry. I'll work on it.

1389
01:21:33,892 --> 01:21:36,725
That's the news of the night...
Of the night.

1390
01:21:36,809 --> 01:21:38,475
The news of the...

1391
01:21:38,558 --> 01:21:42,016
I guess I'm a dumb turd.

1392
01:21:42,100 --> 01:21:43,266
Thank you...

1393
01:21:43,350 --> 01:21:44,684
<i>Good night.</i>

1394
01:21:45,892 --> 01:21:47,350
And we're clear!

1395
01:21:47,850 --> 01:21:48,850
What was that?

1396
01:21:48,934 --> 01:21:50,141
What was that?

1397
01:21:50,225 --> 01:21:52,975
What the hell was that?

1398
01:21:54,016 --> 01:21:55,934
Charlie, what was that?
That was hilarious.

1399
01:21:56,016 --> 01:21:57,558
The schmuck can't get a name right.

1400
01:21:57,642 --> 01:21:59,517
Really inspired idea, Charlie.

1401
01:21:59,600 --> 01:22:02,767
Oh, my God, Charlie.
That is live television.

1402
01:22:02,850 --> 01:22:05,100
Charlie, why didn't you tell me?

1403
01:22:05,183 --> 01:22:08,809
- I haven't told my kids yet.
- I bet they know now. We're live.

1404
01:22:09,308 --> 01:22:11,392
My fault. I should not
have gone back in there.

1405
01:22:11,475 --> 01:22:14,141
It's so stupid.
It's so stupid. It's my fault!

1406
01:22:14,225 --> 01:22:16,850
Stupid? What are you talking about?
Everyone loved it.

1407
01:22:16,934 --> 01:22:19,809
- When did you think of this?
- Comes to me all the time.

1408
01:22:19,892 --> 01:22:21,684
Every second, it doesn't stop.

1409
01:22:21,767 --> 01:22:24,100
That's why it's so good. It was so real.

1410
01:22:24,183 --> 01:22:26,308
Holy shit, you guys.
Twitter is blowing up.

1411
01:22:26,392 --> 01:22:27,475
They love you, Charlie.

1412
01:22:27,558 --> 01:22:30,433
They love the grumpy writer
who can't bear to see his words mangled.

1413
01:22:30,517 --> 01:22:31,809
They think you're funny, man.

1414
01:22:31,892 --> 01:22:34,975
Funny? Funny?
Saying I'll be back in a few minutes

1415
01:22:35,058 --> 01:22:37,975
and never seeing
that person again is funny?

1416
01:22:38,058 --> 01:22:39,809
- Charlie, what...?
- It's not funny!

1417
01:22:39,892 --> 01:22:41,100
How can that be funny?

1418
01:22:41,183 --> 01:22:42,517
<i>Are you Charlie Burnz?</i>

1419
01:22:45,558 --> 01:22:46,767
Charlie Burnz.

1420
01:22:47,642 --> 01:22:49,058
<i>Mr. Burnz?</i>

1421
01:22:50,558 --> 01:22:51,975
I'm Charlie Burnz.

1422
01:22:55,350 --> 01:22:56,975
Don't tell me that something's wrong.

1423
01:22:59,058 --> 01:22:59,892
<i>Charlie?</i>

1424
01:23:01,475 --> 01:23:02,308
Charlie?

1425
01:23:05,475 --> 01:23:08,809
Nothing's wrong. It's okay.
You're all right, Charlie.

1426
01:23:09,933 --> 01:23:11,975
Hey, come back to my office.

1427
01:23:12,684 --> 01:23:14,933
Lie down for a little bit. Yeah?

1428
01:23:15,809 --> 01:23:17,308
I'm so tired.

1429
01:23:17,392 --> 01:23:18,975
It's okay. It's okay.

1430
01:23:19,975 --> 01:23:21,267
Come on.

1431
01:23:21,350 --> 01:23:23,558
- I'm really tired.
- It's all right. It's all right.

1432
01:23:25,850 --> 01:23:28,600
- Until tonight, he's been fine.
- Yeah.

1433
01:23:28,684 --> 01:23:31,559
Sometimes he's just great.
You'd never know he had a problem.

1434
01:23:32,975 --> 01:23:36,100
And then it would just hit him,
but nothing like this.

1435
01:23:36,183 --> 01:23:37,225
I had no idea.

1436
01:23:38,225 --> 01:23:40,267
- It's our secret.
- Our?

1437
01:23:41,517 --> 01:23:43,475
- Nobody else knows?
- No.

1438
01:23:43,559 --> 01:23:46,975
Well, we have a problem.
Social media is blowing up. They love it.

1439
01:23:47,058 --> 01:23:49,058
Everybody is asking, "Who is this guy?"

1440
01:23:49,141 --> 01:23:50,642
They want him back next week.

1441
01:23:50,725 --> 01:23:52,141
- I know it's gone viral.
- Yeah.

1442
01:23:52,225 --> 01:23:54,642
You know, I'm very nervous about what...

1443
01:23:54,725 --> 01:23:57,308
We need to post something right away.

1444
01:23:57,392 --> 01:23:58,891
Twitter, Instagram.

1445
01:23:58,975 --> 01:24:00,559
Sorry to interrupt. I just overheard.

1446
01:24:00,642 --> 01:24:03,517
- Darrell, come on.
- Let me do it, please.

1447
01:24:03,600 --> 01:24:04,725
I know what to say.

1448
01:24:06,891 --> 01:24:08,350
Okay. Good.

1449
01:24:09,016 --> 01:24:11,350
- I have to run it by the network.
- Okay.

1450
01:24:12,225 --> 01:24:14,475
This is Charlie's friend Emma.

1451
01:24:15,183 --> 01:24:16,725
He's Darrell, he works with Charlie.

1452
01:24:17,392 --> 01:24:19,225
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.

1453
01:24:19,850 --> 01:24:20,850
I'll get started.

1454
01:24:23,475 --> 01:24:24,308
What a night.

1455
01:24:26,141 --> 01:24:28,517
Okay, Charlie. There's the car.
Go ahead and get in.

1456
01:24:28,600 --> 01:24:29,433
Okay.

1457
01:24:32,559 --> 01:24:34,267
- Thanks.
- Hey, Charlie.

1458
01:24:34,350 --> 01:24:35,183
Yeah?

1459
01:24:35,267 --> 01:24:38,141
I just wanted to say good night
and make sure you're okay.

1460
01:24:38,642 --> 01:24:40,141
- Thank you.
- Yeah.

1461
01:24:40,225 --> 01:24:41,058
Hey, I...

1462
01:24:41,767 --> 01:24:42,725
I posted that:

1463
01:24:43,891 --> 01:24:46,809
"Tonight, Charlie Burnz
showed why he's a comedy legend

1464
01:24:46,891 --> 01:24:51,433
when he gave a hilarious one-time only
performance as a disgruntled writer.

1465
01:24:51,517 --> 01:24:53,058
Thank you, Charlie.

1466
01:24:53,142 --> 01:24:55,142
The crew and cast of <i>This Just In.</i>

1467
01:24:55,225 --> 01:24:56,975
Hashtag "dumb turd."

1468
01:24:58,433 --> 01:25:01,058
And I put the "you" in all caps
so it's the wrong inflection.

1469
01:25:02,183 --> 01:25:03,142
Thanks, kid.

1470
01:25:03,767 --> 01:25:05,142
Good night, Charlie.

1471
01:25:05,225 --> 01:25:09,850
You know, Darrell here is gonna be
a terrific writer someday.

1472
01:25:11,225 --> 01:25:12,392
I don't know.

1473
01:25:12,475 --> 01:25:13,475
I do.

1474
01:25:15,475 --> 01:25:16,433
I'll see you, kid.

1475
01:25:18,933 --> 01:25:21,225
This is a scan of your brain in February.

1476
01:25:22,433 --> 01:25:24,600
And this is the one we just took.

1477
01:25:29,350 --> 01:25:30,850
They look the same to me.

1478
01:25:31,891 --> 01:25:33,600
Yes, but your symptoms are changing.

1479
01:25:36,600 --> 01:25:38,684
If I'm right, you may have
a form of dementia

1480
01:25:38,766 --> 01:25:40,808
called Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease.

1481
01:25:43,808 --> 01:25:45,850
What do you mean if you're right?

1482
01:25:51,350 --> 01:25:55,016
Only way to get
a definitive diagnosis of CJD is...

1483
01:25:56,100 --> 01:25:57,600
post-mortem autopsy.

1484
01:25:58,684 --> 01:25:59,517
Well...

1485
01:26:01,183 --> 01:26:02,475
why don't we do that now?

1486
01:26:02,559 --> 01:26:05,559
I mean, I have a lunch
but I could cancel that.

1487
01:26:07,142 --> 01:26:08,891
What happens next?

1488
01:26:08,975 --> 01:26:11,559
There are other medications
than the ones you're on now...

1489
01:26:12,600 --> 01:26:15,600
that could slow this down a bit,

1490
01:26:15,684 --> 01:26:17,684
but before too long.

1491
01:26:23,434 --> 01:26:25,183
Before too long is how long?

1492
01:26:27,600 --> 01:26:28,766
A year, maybe.

1493
01:26:33,308 --> 01:26:35,684
You probably wanna start
thinking about a caregiver.

1494
01:26:38,600 --> 01:26:39,850
A nurse?

1495
01:26:39,933 --> 01:26:41,850
Yes, or your family.

1496
01:26:42,725 --> 01:26:44,559
- Your son and daughter.
- Well...

1497
01:26:45,517 --> 01:26:46,642
that's not happening.

1498
01:26:47,684 --> 01:26:51,559
In times like this,
you should be surrounded by loved ones,

1499
01:26:51,642 --> 01:26:54,559
or professionals
who are trained to care for you.

1500
01:27:00,850 --> 01:27:03,142
I'll do it. I'll take care of Charlie.

1501
01:27:03,225 --> 01:27:05,142
No, you can't. You're going away.

1502
01:27:05,225 --> 01:27:06,683
My plans have changed.

1503
01:27:06,766 --> 01:27:08,808
No. No, they haven't changed.

1504
01:27:08,891 --> 01:27:11,308
She's in a band and they're supposed
to go on tour.

1505
01:27:11,392 --> 01:27:13,392
- Nah, I don't need to do that.
- No. Yes, you do.

1506
01:27:13,475 --> 01:27:14,975
She does need to do that.

1507
01:27:16,725 --> 01:27:18,434
May I ask what your relationship is?

1508
01:27:19,100 --> 01:27:20,434
- I don't know.
- I don't know.

1509
01:27:20,517 --> 01:27:22,600
How long have you known each other?

1510
01:27:22,683 --> 01:27:25,225
I'm guessing about six months or so.

1511
01:27:25,308 --> 01:27:26,975
Are you boyfriend and girlfriend?

1512
01:27:30,100 --> 01:27:30,933
Are we?

1513
01:27:31,891 --> 01:27:34,309
How would you define
boyfriend and girlfriend?

1514
01:27:34,392 --> 01:27:37,100
Well, are you having sexual relations?

1515
01:27:37,183 --> 01:27:38,975
- We spooned.
- We spooned.

1516
01:27:41,600 --> 01:27:42,434
Charlie...

1517
01:27:43,434 --> 01:27:44,766
what about your kids?

1518
01:27:45,683 --> 01:27:47,933
I honestly don't know
if they've ever spooned.

1519
01:27:48,017 --> 01:27:49,100
Charlie.

1520
01:27:49,933 --> 01:27:52,891
- This is no time for jokes.
- Yes, it is.

1521
01:27:53,641 --> 01:27:55,891
It's the perfect time for jokes,
goddamn it.

1522
01:27:55,975 --> 01:27:58,933
Don't try to take away my sense of humor.
I'd rather die right now.

1523
01:28:01,350 --> 01:28:03,850
Boy, this God...
This God is a real jokester, isn't he?

1524
01:28:03,933 --> 01:28:05,641
What a really funny God.

1525
01:28:05,725 --> 01:28:08,850
"Hey, live your whole life
and you won't remember any of it."

1526
01:28:10,100 --> 01:28:11,058
Fuck you!

1527
01:28:12,434 --> 01:28:14,183
- Damn it.
- It's gonna be okay.

1528
01:28:14,267 --> 01:28:16,309
How can this be okay?

1529
01:28:16,392 --> 01:28:17,933
How can this be okay?

1530
01:28:22,808 --> 01:28:24,475
My kids don't know anything.

1531
01:28:27,309 --> 01:28:28,766
I'll tell them at the right time.

1532
01:28:30,017 --> 01:28:31,100
Charlie.

1533
01:28:33,309 --> 01:28:34,683
This is the right time.

1534
01:28:37,350 --> 01:28:39,017
You can't be alone anymore.

1535
01:28:44,891 --> 01:28:46,725
I'll take care of him till I can't.

1536
01:28:50,225 --> 01:28:51,808
I'll write you some prescriptions.

1537
01:28:53,891 --> 01:28:55,808
I'll let the two of you be alone a bit.

1538
01:29:06,975 --> 01:29:08,100
What is wrong with you?

1539
01:29:08,183 --> 01:29:10,641
- What? There's nothing wrong with me.
- You're not staying.

1540
01:29:10,725 --> 01:29:12,100
- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.

1541
01:29:12,183 --> 01:29:15,267
You heard what the doc said,
it's over, okay?

1542
01:29:15,350 --> 01:29:17,766
That's it. Please, leave me alone!

1543
01:29:17,850 --> 01:29:19,975
- Charlie.
- Don't "Charlie" me!

1544
01:29:21,225 --> 01:29:22,058
You have a life!

1545
01:29:22,142 --> 01:29:24,142
You have your music, so run.

1546
01:29:24,225 --> 01:29:27,350
Run for the hills, kid.
It's over. I'm telling you, it's over.

1547
01:29:27,434 --> 01:29:30,850
Please, I just wanna be alone!

1548
01:29:30,933 --> 01:29:33,517
- I'm not going anywhere.
- I don't want you to stay!

1549
01:29:34,392 --> 01:29:37,808
You hear me? What are you staying for?

1550
01:29:38,766 --> 01:29:42,100
What's here?
What's gonna be left? Nothing!

1551
01:29:42,184 --> 01:29:43,808
That's not true, Charlie.

1552
01:29:45,892 --> 01:29:47,808
I'm lost. I'm...

1553
01:29:49,142 --> 01:29:51,892
Help, help, help. I'm lost.

1554
01:29:52,933 --> 01:29:55,434
I'm so... I'm so lost.

1555
01:29:56,766 --> 01:29:58,808
I'm sorry, pal. But I'm in.

1556
01:29:59,975 --> 01:30:01,892
You wanna be with a stranger?

1557
01:30:04,641 --> 01:30:07,142
Pretty soon everyone's
gonna be a stranger.

1558
01:30:07,225 --> 01:30:08,142
Not me.

1559
01:30:09,267 --> 01:30:10,725
I'm not gonna leave you.

1560
01:30:13,475 --> 01:30:14,309
Thank you.

1561
01:30:35,683 --> 01:30:36,558
Hi.

1562
01:30:37,808 --> 01:30:39,434
Whose room did this used to be?

1563
01:30:39,516 --> 01:30:40,850
Francine's.

1564
01:30:40,933 --> 01:30:42,558
That explains the chill.

1565
01:30:43,142 --> 01:30:44,309
Something wrong?

1566
01:30:44,392 --> 01:30:45,558
I can't sleep.

1567
01:30:45,641 --> 01:30:46,641
What's up?

1568
01:30:47,683 --> 01:30:50,267
- I wrote something.
- That's good.

1569
01:30:50,350 --> 01:30:52,516
- I wanna read it to you.
- Okay.

1570
01:30:52,600 --> 01:30:53,766
This is my journal.

1571
01:30:54,267 --> 01:30:56,892
I've been writing stuff
for the book in it

1572
01:30:56,975 --> 01:30:59,058
because typing
has become a problem for me.

1573
01:30:59,142 --> 01:31:00,516
I know.

1574
01:31:02,975 --> 01:31:04,433
The book is called <i>For Carrie.</i>

1575
01:31:05,058 --> 01:31:06,433
This is the dedication.

1576
01:31:06,516 --> 01:31:09,392
A writer always dedicates the book
to somebody he loves...

1577
01:31:09,475 --> 01:31:11,225
- I know what it means.
- Okay.

1578
01:31:14,309 --> 01:31:15,767
"To Emma Payge.

1579
01:31:17,142 --> 01:31:20,933
Thank you for taking my truth
and making it more interesting.

1580
01:31:21,767 --> 01:31:24,267
I kind of love you. CB."

1581
01:31:25,058 --> 01:31:27,225
I kind of love you too, old man.

1582
01:31:28,516 --> 01:31:29,350
Really?

1583
01:31:29,975 --> 01:31:31,475
Yeah. Big time.

1584
01:31:33,309 --> 01:31:34,392
Didn't see that coming.

1585
01:31:36,475 --> 01:31:37,767
You make me smile.

1586
01:31:39,309 --> 01:31:40,725
Good night.

1587
01:31:40,808 --> 01:31:41,850
Good night.

1588
01:31:49,100 --> 01:31:49,933
Hey, Emma.

1589
01:31:52,767 --> 01:31:54,641
I'm grateful to you that you're here.

1590
01:31:55,683 --> 01:31:58,225
I wanna have fun. I wanna laugh.

1591
01:31:58,309 --> 01:31:59,767
I want to not be scared.

1592
01:32:00,391 --> 01:32:03,225
And I wanna write the book,
and I wanna do all of that with you.

1593
01:32:03,309 --> 01:32:04,933
But you have to promise me something.

1594
01:32:06,184 --> 01:32:07,350
When it's time...

1595
01:32:09,017 --> 01:32:10,808
you go back out and sing.

1596
01:32:10,892 --> 01:32:13,017
You're an artist,
and that's what you should do.

1597
01:32:13,100 --> 01:32:14,267
Please, promise me.

1598
01:32:15,767 --> 01:32:16,600
I promise.

1599
01:32:17,142 --> 01:32:17,975
Good.

1600
01:32:19,975 --> 01:32:22,059
I'm a bargain for 22 bucks,
don't you think?

1601
01:32:22,683 --> 01:32:23,850
Hell, yeah.

1602
01:32:26,184 --> 01:32:27,600
- Good night.
- Good night.

1603
01:32:55,600 --> 01:32:59,059
I must've dozed off.
These new meds are making me very sleepy.

1604
01:32:59,142 --> 01:33:01,725
I haven't taken a nap
since the Carter administration.

1605
01:33:03,850 --> 01:33:05,475
- What do you have there?
- Nothing.

1606
01:33:06,600 --> 01:33:07,725
Let me see.

1607
01:33:09,184 --> 01:33:10,017
The...

1608
01:33:10,767 --> 01:33:13,975
- It's that...
- Emma, I know what it is.

1609
01:33:15,184 --> 01:33:18,933
I know you said get rid of it,
but it's just so beautiful.

1610
01:33:19,017 --> 01:33:19,850
Give it to me.

1611
01:33:32,642 --> 01:33:34,767
Carrie painted this. Yeah.

1612
01:33:35,850 --> 01:33:40,100
See, she put her name in the bushes.
See there? In the trees.

1613
01:33:43,683 --> 01:33:45,350
This is Lake Charlie.

1614
01:33:45,433 --> 01:33:47,433
Lake Charlie. Where's that?

1615
01:33:47,516 --> 01:33:51,142
That's about two hours
north of the city. Yeah.

1616
01:33:52,934 --> 01:33:55,100
Carrie gave me a lake for my birthday.

1617
01:33:55,184 --> 01:33:56,266
A lake?

1618
01:33:56,350 --> 01:33:58,975
Yeah. It was actually a pond.

1619
01:33:59,059 --> 01:34:02,975
But Pond Charlie
didn't sound as good as Lake Charlie.

1620
01:34:03,059 --> 01:34:03,934
Wait.

1621
01:34:04,600 --> 01:34:05,600
What?

1622
01:34:06,808 --> 01:34:09,767
Tell me all about Lake Charlie.

1623
01:34:11,225 --> 01:34:12,350
Okay.

1624
01:34:14,100 --> 01:34:15,683
It's my 40th birthday.

1625
01:34:15,767 --> 01:34:18,266
Happy birthday, Charlie Burnz.

1626
01:34:18,350 --> 01:34:19,767
Happy birthday, Charlie.

1627
01:34:20,350 --> 01:34:23,184
<i>We had a party outside in the garden.</i>

1628
01:34:23,266 --> 01:34:24,892
<i>And after everybody was gone...</i>

1629
01:34:25,600 --> 01:34:28,350
<i>Carrie shows me this photograph
of this woodsy area</i>

1630
01:34:28,433 --> 01:34:29,808
<i>with this beautiful lake on it.</i>

1631
01:34:29,892 --> 01:34:33,142
Happy birthday, Charlie Burnz.
This is for you.

1632
01:34:33,642 --> 01:34:36,142
For me? What is this?
What am I looking at?

1633
01:34:37,100 --> 01:34:39,266
It's called Lake Charlie.

1634
01:34:39,350 --> 01:34:40,516
Lake Charlie?

1635
01:34:40,600 --> 01:34:42,934
<i>She was always trying to get me
to stop working.</i>

1636
01:34:43,017 --> 01:34:46,767
And just be alone with her and do nothing.

1637
01:34:46,850 --> 01:34:50,934
And honestly the thought of doing nothing
terrified me, you know?

1638
01:34:52,850 --> 01:34:55,308
But I loved her so much
and it meant so much to her

1639
01:34:55,391 --> 01:34:59,934
that we'd go up there, you know,
and camp out, like, in a tent.

1640
01:35:00,017 --> 01:35:01,600
Can you imagine me in a tent?

1641
01:35:01,683 --> 01:35:06,184
<i>I mean, to me, the great outdoors
would be a lot better if it was indoors.</i>

1642
01:35:06,266 --> 01:35:07,975
Good morning!

1643
01:35:12,225 --> 01:35:16,059
That smells good.
Smells better than me.

1644
01:35:19,100 --> 01:35:21,017
Wow... Whoa! Look what you did.

1645
01:35:25,600 --> 01:35:27,017
- Hey, Charlie?
- Yeah?

1646
01:35:27,642 --> 01:35:29,475
- You know what I think?
- What?

1647
01:35:30,225 --> 01:35:33,391
- I think we need a house.
- A house?

1648
01:35:33,475 --> 01:35:34,475
Yeah.

1649
01:35:35,059 --> 01:35:36,475
The kids will love it up here.

1650
01:35:37,642 --> 01:35:40,266
- Kids?
- Didn't I tell you?

1651
01:35:42,183 --> 01:35:44,517
And that's how she told me
she was pregnant with Rex.

1652
01:35:46,017 --> 01:35:48,350
So she went looking for a house.

1653
01:35:48,433 --> 01:35:50,517
Wait, didn't you guys build a house?

1654
01:35:50,600 --> 01:35:52,433
Oh, no, that's way too easy for Carrie.

1655
01:35:52,517 --> 01:35:55,100
She scoured the countryside
then she found this little house,

1656
01:35:55,183 --> 01:35:57,433
she bought it and lifted it up,

1657
01:35:57,517 --> 01:36:00,391
put it on a flatbed truck
and she drove it to Lake Charlie.

1658
01:36:00,475 --> 01:36:03,183
Got a house, Charlie Burnz!

1659
01:36:05,225 --> 01:36:06,558
Thank you.

1660
01:36:06,642 --> 01:36:08,725
<i>So we put in a new foundation,</i>

1661
01:36:08,809 --> 01:36:11,308
<i>plopped the house down on it,
renovated it,</i>

1662
01:36:11,391 --> 01:36:13,892
<i>painted it up,
made it a little bit bigger.</i>

1663
01:36:13,975 --> 01:36:15,391
<i>It was our happy place.</i>

1664
01:36:15,475 --> 01:36:18,683
Dad, come on! Let's go play.
Daddy, come on!

1665
01:36:18,767 --> 01:36:19,809
<i>She was right.</i>

1666
01:36:19,892 --> 01:36:22,017
Daddy, come on. Are you playing or not?

1667
01:36:22,100 --> 01:36:23,642
The kids loved it.

1668
01:36:24,850 --> 01:36:27,683
Now I know why
you didn't wanna hang the picture.

1669
01:36:29,433 --> 01:36:30,558
No, you don't.

1670
01:36:33,391 --> 01:36:35,517
I'm tired. I can't talk anymore.

1671
01:36:35,600 --> 01:36:38,892
Come on, Charlie. Please?
Don't take this with you.

1672
01:36:39,767 --> 01:36:41,558
I'm not going anywhere yet.

1673
01:36:45,433 --> 01:36:49,809
Okay. My first Broadway play,
<i>It's My Time,</i>

1674
01:36:49,892 --> 01:36:51,350
{\an8}<i>opened up at the Belasco Theatre.</i>

1675
01:36:51,809 --> 01:36:55,391
{\an8}<i>Reviews were terrific, business was great,
but that wasn't enough for me.</i>

1676
01:36:55,475 --> 01:36:57,558
<i>The star was an actor named Jerry Orbach,</i>

1677
01:36:57,642 --> 01:37:00,141
<i>and there was this one speech
late in the second act.</i>

1678
01:37:00,225 --> 01:37:03,100
<i>It never landed right. It drove me crazy.</i>

1679
01:37:03,183 --> 01:37:05,642
All I wanted was one show
that was just perfect.

1680
01:37:11,059 --> 01:37:14,433
Things were tense...

1681
01:37:15,683 --> 01:37:17,141
between the two of us.

1682
01:37:18,100 --> 01:37:19,725
<i>I'd been working so much.</i>

1683
01:37:19,809 --> 01:37:20,892
What are we doing?

1684
01:37:20,975 --> 01:37:24,558
<i>I'd been on the road for four months
with the play before it came to Broadway.</i>

1685
01:37:24,642 --> 01:37:27,350
<i>And everybody was looking forward
to spending some time together</i>

1686
01:37:27,433 --> 01:37:29,725
<i>at Lake Charlie, and what was I doing?</i>

1687
01:37:29,809 --> 01:37:32,517
<i>I was rewriting a play
that was already a hit.</i>

1688
01:37:32,600 --> 01:37:35,517
Charlie, we have to go right now.

1689
01:37:36,017 --> 01:37:38,433
Jefferson will be awful.
I don't like driving in the dark.

1690
01:37:38,517 --> 01:37:41,392
My mom's got the kids there waiting.
We should have left an hour ago.

1691
01:37:41,475 --> 01:37:44,017
I had to rewrite a speech for Jerry.
It wasn't landing right.

1692
01:37:44,100 --> 01:37:46,058
Great. Okay. That's just great.

1693
01:37:46,141 --> 01:37:48,475
He's reading it.
I wanna make sure it's okay with him.

1694
01:37:48,558 --> 01:37:52,558
You wanna make sure it's okay with him?
With him? How about with me?

1695
01:37:52,642 --> 01:37:55,392
How about your kids
who you haven't seen for months?

1696
01:37:55,475 --> 01:37:57,058
You promised me. You promised us.

1697
01:37:57,141 --> 01:38:00,308
Stop yelling. Five minutes,
I promise. I'll be right in and right out.

1698
01:38:00,392 --> 01:38:02,725
- The kids are waiting.
- I understand. I'll be right out.

1699
01:38:02,809 --> 01:38:04,975
The people are in line,
the show goes up in an hour.

1700
01:38:05,058 --> 01:38:06,809
- Five minutes?
- Yeah. Yeah.

1701
01:38:06,892 --> 01:38:09,642
I know you're upset,
but I hate when you get like this.

1702
01:38:09,725 --> 01:38:12,850
If you're not back in five minutes,
I'm leaving without you.

1703
01:38:12,934 --> 01:38:16,809
I heard you, okay? I heard you.
Goddamn it.

1704
01:38:20,975 --> 01:38:24,809
<i>It took 15 minutes.
When I came out she was gone.</i>

1705
01:38:25,642 --> 01:38:30,975
<i>I was angry. So I watched the show,
that damn speech still didn't land right.</i>

1706
01:38:31,058 --> 01:38:33,934
<i>I had a couple of drinks with Jerry
and then I came back here...</i>

1707
01:38:35,642 --> 01:38:38,600
And the next thing I remember
is flashing lights.

1708
01:38:39,767 --> 01:38:45,433
And a policeman in the doorway
asking me my name over and over again.

1709
01:38:47,100 --> 01:38:49,684
And I'm thinking if I don't answer him,

1710
01:38:49,767 --> 01:38:53,016
then maybe what he's about
to tell me didn't happen.

1711
01:39:01,225 --> 01:39:05,392
He told me Carrie was driving
on this dark road right near the house.

1712
01:39:05,475 --> 01:39:07,475
She came to this fork in the road,

1713
01:39:08,725 --> 01:39:12,517
and some kid loaded on pills
driving a Jeep ran the stop sign.

1714
01:39:15,100 --> 01:39:16,558
And he hit her head-on.

1715
01:39:18,225 --> 01:39:19,517
She died instantly.

1716
01:39:20,684 --> 01:39:22,475
Kid walked away without a scratch.

1717
01:39:24,475 --> 01:39:27,350
The last time I saw that beautiful face
she was mad at me.

1718
01:39:30,100 --> 01:39:32,975
That's why I can't look
at that picture anymore.

1719
01:39:33,767 --> 01:39:36,933
It makes me remember
the one thing I want to forget.

1720
01:39:45,183 --> 01:39:46,141
I'm sorry.

1721
01:39:51,392 --> 01:39:52,517
Me too.

1722
01:40:01,600 --> 01:40:04,809
- You need anything from the store?
- Wonton soup.

1723
01:40:04,891 --> 01:40:07,350
I'd like to shampoo my hair.
It's getting a little greasy...

1724
01:40:07,433 --> 01:40:09,684
- Charlie.
- What?

1725
01:40:11,100 --> 01:40:14,933
I'm just kidding. I'm okay.
I promise. Thanks.

1726
01:40:15,016 --> 01:40:15,975
Good.

1727
01:40:16,058 --> 01:40:19,725
Hey, I was thinking, you know
what we can do some day? It could be fun.

1728
01:40:20,267 --> 01:40:24,517
Ever been to Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum?
You ever been there?

1729
01:40:24,600 --> 01:40:27,141
It's a lot of fun.
It's pretty amazing what they do.

1730
01:40:32,809 --> 01:40:35,308
Okay. Sure.

1731
01:40:53,891 --> 01:40:58,809
You're back already?
Okay. Coming, coming, coming.

1732
01:41:02,433 --> 01:41:04,183
- Hi!
- Hi.

1733
01:41:04,267 --> 01:41:07,392
Come on in. Come on in.
This is a surprise.

1734
01:41:07,475 --> 01:41:10,767
What's the matter?
You look very upset. What's wrong?

1735
01:41:10,850 --> 01:41:12,600
I had a fight with my mom.

1736
01:41:12,684 --> 01:41:14,392
She said you were
drunk and embarrassing.

1737
01:41:14,475 --> 01:41:16,975
I said you could never be.
You were funny on the show.

1738
01:41:17,058 --> 01:41:19,600
Why did she keep you away from me?
She said something awful.

1739
01:41:19,684 --> 01:41:22,016
- Does she know where you are?
- She thinks I'm at school.

1740
01:41:22,100 --> 01:41:23,642
- How did you get here?
- Uber.

1741
01:41:23,725 --> 01:41:26,642
- We should tell her you're here.
- No! She'll be so mad at me.

1742
01:41:26,725 --> 01:41:30,183
- But Lindsay...
- Please. I just have to know if it's true.

1743
01:41:30,267 --> 01:41:31,767
Is what true?

1744
01:41:33,725 --> 01:41:36,600
She said it was because of you
that I don't have a grandma.

1745
01:41:37,392 --> 01:41:38,850
She said that to you?

1746
01:41:38,933 --> 01:41:41,684
I overheard her
on the phone with Uncle Rex.

1747
01:41:43,933 --> 01:41:45,308
No, Lindsay, no.

1748
01:41:46,058 --> 01:41:47,308
Okay.

1749
01:41:51,433 --> 01:41:53,308
Lindsay never made it to school, Rex.

1750
01:41:53,392 --> 01:41:56,350
She used my Uber account
and guess where she took it to.

1751
01:41:57,850 --> 01:42:03,183
I got your wonton soup but the chef said
that you need to use extra conditioner...

1752
01:42:04,225 --> 01:42:05,517
Charlie!

1753
01:42:06,642 --> 01:42:10,559
I got some short ribs, it'll be so good.

1754
01:42:11,808 --> 01:42:12,684
Charlie?

1755
01:42:14,142 --> 01:42:16,725
Charlie? Charlie!

1756
01:42:18,725 --> 01:42:22,850
Where are you, old man?
Charlie, stop playing.

1757
01:42:22,933 --> 01:42:25,308
Hey. Where is she?

1758
01:42:25,392 --> 01:42:28,559
- How'd you get in here?
- We grew up here. Where is she?

1759
01:42:28,642 --> 01:42:29,808
- Who?
- My daughter Lindsay.

1760
01:42:29,891 --> 01:42:31,267
And our father. Where's our dad?

1761
01:42:31,350 --> 01:42:32,600
- Lindsay!
- Dad!

1762
01:42:32,684 --> 01:42:35,475
Nobody's here. I just got home myself.

1763
01:42:35,559 --> 01:42:37,308
- Home?
- Do you live here?

1764
01:42:37,392 --> 01:42:40,308
- I moved in a few days ago.
- Oh, lovely.

1765
01:42:40,392 --> 01:42:42,475
- Your dad needs me right now.
- I bet he does.

1766
01:42:43,517 --> 01:42:45,808
You might want
to rethink your attitude, Francine.

1767
01:42:46,392 --> 01:42:48,684
What is this? What is all this about?

1768
01:42:49,183 --> 01:42:51,392
Research for a project he's working on.

1769
01:42:51,475 --> 01:42:54,267
- With our names under the pictures?
- He doesn't know who we are?

1770
01:42:54,350 --> 01:42:55,434
Not all the time.

1771
01:42:56,850 --> 01:42:58,350
Your father's sick.

1772
01:42:59,100 --> 01:43:02,183
He has a form of dementia.
And it's getting worse.

1773
01:43:03,350 --> 01:43:04,933
He can't be alone anymore.

1774
01:43:05,808 --> 01:43:08,308
That's why I moved in, Francine.

1775
01:43:08,392 --> 01:43:12,975
I'm his friend. He's writing a book about
your family and I'm helping him finish it.

1776
01:43:14,100 --> 01:43:16,350
- I can't believe this.
- We had no idea.

1777
01:43:16,434 --> 01:43:18,475
Because you're too busy
being pissed at him.

1778
01:43:19,434 --> 01:43:22,684
Pretty soon before you know it,
he's not gonna know who you are.

1779
01:43:22,766 --> 01:43:24,183
But you'll remember him.

1780
01:43:24,808 --> 01:43:28,933
He's done a very good job at beating
himself up without you guys piling on.

1781
01:43:29,016 --> 01:43:30,850
You were very happy once.

1782
01:43:30,933 --> 01:43:33,559
It can happen again if you let it.

1783
01:43:34,683 --> 01:43:37,725
- How do we find them?
- I put a GPS on his phone.

1784
01:43:37,808 --> 01:43:39,642
Okay. Let me see.

1785
01:43:43,434 --> 01:43:46,475
- No. No, no, no.
- It's here. It's here.

1786
01:43:47,559 --> 01:43:49,517
Where the hell are they?

1787
01:43:49,600 --> 01:43:52,058
If she's still using my Uber account,
we can find them.

1788
01:44:16,309 --> 01:44:17,683
I cannot believe this.

1789
01:44:17,766 --> 01:44:20,933
- Hey. What's wrong?
- Longer trip than I thought.

1790
01:44:21,017 --> 01:44:23,517
You give five star. I accept nothing less.

1791
01:44:23,600 --> 01:44:24,975
Is this the best way to go?

1792
01:44:26,683 --> 01:44:28,267
This is all my fault.

1793
01:44:28,350 --> 01:44:30,559
She overheard what I said to you.
We got in a fight...

1794
01:44:30,641 --> 01:44:33,766
- She heard that?
- Yes. I know. I'm sorry, okay?

1795
01:44:33,850 --> 01:44:37,475
- What if he does something crazy?
- What's he gonna do, Francine?

1796
01:44:37,559 --> 01:44:42,142
- What's gonna happen?
- He loves Lindsay. Nothing will happen.

1797
01:44:42,225 --> 01:44:43,725
How can you be so sure?

1798
01:44:44,392 --> 01:44:45,933
I know him.

1799
01:44:53,891 --> 01:44:57,559
Papa! Where are you going? Come back!

1800
01:45:01,725 --> 01:45:06,017
- Please stop!
- Hey, what about my five stars?!

1801
01:45:09,267 --> 01:45:12,392
Oh, God! Lindsay, honey, are you okay?

1802
01:45:12,475 --> 01:45:14,142
Papa Charlie ran away!

1803
01:45:14,225 --> 01:45:17,100
He told the driver to pull over,
jumped out of the car and ran.

1804
01:45:17,183 --> 01:45:18,975
I'm scared. I'm in the woods.

1805
01:45:19,058 --> 01:45:21,891
Lindsay, don't worry. Look around.
Can you see anything?

1806
01:45:21,975 --> 01:45:23,100
I can see the road.

1807
01:45:23,183 --> 01:45:26,017
Go there. Go to the road.
We're gonna find you.

1808
01:45:33,434 --> 01:45:35,309
Mom! Mom!

1809
01:45:38,267 --> 01:45:39,517
Lindsay!

1810
01:45:41,058 --> 01:45:42,267
Sweetheart.

1811
01:45:45,392 --> 01:45:46,892
Come on. Back in the car.

1812
01:45:46,975 --> 01:45:51,309
- Oh, my God. Rex.
- I know. Let's find him.

1813
01:46:01,058 --> 01:46:02,225
Dad?

1814
01:46:02,808 --> 01:46:04,142
- Papa Charlie?
- Dad?

1815
01:46:04,225 --> 01:46:06,225
- Charlie?
- Papa Charlie?

1816
01:46:06,309 --> 01:46:09,892
No, Dad. No. Please, Dad. Dad?

1817
01:46:09,975 --> 01:46:11,641
- Charlie?
- Dad?

1818
01:46:13,892 --> 01:46:15,434
Charlie!

1819
01:46:15,517 --> 01:46:16,600
Papa Charlie!

1820
01:46:16,683 --> 01:46:18,516
Charlie!

1821
01:46:20,184 --> 01:46:24,017
- Dad! Dad!
- Charlie!

1822
01:46:24,100 --> 01:46:26,766
- Papa Charlie!
- Dad!

1823
01:46:26,850 --> 01:46:29,434
- Charlie!
- Dad!

1824
01:46:29,516 --> 01:46:32,017
Papa Charlie, where are you?

1825
01:46:37,558 --> 01:46:38,683
Charlie!

1826
01:46:41,142 --> 01:46:42,309
Charlie.

1827
01:46:46,683 --> 01:46:48,017
- Hey.
- Hey.

1828
01:46:52,225 --> 01:46:56,017
- Hey. You're okay?
- My feet are wet.

1829
01:46:56,100 --> 01:46:57,350
Mine are too.

1830
01:46:58,683 --> 01:47:00,309
Are you okay? You look so upset.

1831
01:47:00,392 --> 01:47:02,225
I'm just happy to see you.

1832
01:47:02,309 --> 01:47:03,600
Dad.

1833
01:47:06,516 --> 01:47:07,975
What are you doing here?

1834
01:47:09,184 --> 01:47:10,392
Hi.

1835
01:47:11,558 --> 01:47:15,725
I wanted to show Lindsay Lake Charlie.

1836
01:47:16,558 --> 01:47:18,267
This is our happy place.

1837
01:47:19,683 --> 01:47:21,808
See, on sunsets we stand right here.

1838
01:47:22,434 --> 01:47:28,558
And we'd watch the sun go down there
and "Bye-bye sun. Bye-bye sun."

1839
01:47:28,641 --> 01:47:29,766
Somebody would say that.

1840
01:47:29,850 --> 01:47:31,392
That was me, Dad.

1841
01:47:32,683 --> 01:47:34,933
- I said that.
- Yeah.

1842
01:47:41,184 --> 01:47:43,392
- I'm sorry about your mother.
- No.

1843
01:47:43,475 --> 01:47:46,767
- Dad, you don't have to.
- No, I have to. I have to, Rex.

1844
01:47:47,267 --> 01:47:49,641
Let me finish
because I'm running out of words.

1845
01:47:54,058 --> 01:47:56,433
Francine, I was not
the reason your mom died.

1846
01:47:58,392 --> 01:48:01,142
That kid who ran the stop sign
was the reason your mom died.

1847
01:48:02,267 --> 01:48:05,600
And I adored her so much.
I loved your mother so much.

1848
01:48:05,683 --> 01:48:08,058
And she died mad at me.

1849
01:48:10,350 --> 01:48:12,767
I can't leave here
knowing that you're mad at me too.

1850
01:48:15,100 --> 01:48:20,225
I can't undo it. I can't undo it.
There's no rewrites this time.

1851
01:48:20,309 --> 01:48:23,767
Come on. Relax. Relax your hands.

1852
01:48:24,933 --> 01:48:26,892
No more fists. Relax your hands.

1853
01:48:31,850 --> 01:48:35,391
Dad. Why didn't you tell us?

1854
01:48:37,892 --> 01:48:40,767
Because I didn't know how.

1855
01:48:43,142 --> 01:48:44,100
And I was scared.

1856
01:48:45,475 --> 01:48:46,391
Of what?

1857
01:48:47,267 --> 01:48:50,017
That maybe you wouldn't care.

1858
01:48:50,100 --> 01:48:51,391
Oh, Dad.

1859
01:48:54,350 --> 01:48:55,808
Forgive me. Please.

1860
01:48:56,975 --> 01:48:59,267
Forgive me so I could forgive myself.

1861
01:48:59,350 --> 01:49:02,100
Because the sight of
your angry eyes keeps me up at night

1862
01:49:02,184 --> 01:49:05,267
and gives me the sweats,
and there's no more time for that.

1863
01:49:05,350 --> 01:49:07,933
There's no more time. I'm here today.

1864
01:49:08,017 --> 01:49:10,142
Daddy, I'm so sorry.

1865
01:49:10,225 --> 01:49:14,933
Franny, it's okay. It's okay.
I understand. I understand.

1866
01:49:15,475 --> 01:49:19,225
- I love you, Pop.
- Is there room for me?

1867
01:49:19,309 --> 01:49:21,475
- Come here, sweetie.
- I love you too, you know?

1868
01:49:24,475 --> 01:49:26,600
Emma. Emma. Come here.

1869
01:49:31,850 --> 01:49:34,391
Oh, God. What a long time between hugs.

1870
01:49:44,850 --> 01:49:48,142
Mom was always inventing days
for the kids.

1871
01:49:48,225 --> 01:49:50,308
Kids loved "Backwards Day" the best.

1872
01:49:50,391 --> 01:49:52,767
We'd have dinner for breakfast
and breakfast for dinner.

1873
01:49:52,850 --> 01:49:54,767
No, Pop. It was "Upside-down Day."

1874
01:49:54,850 --> 01:49:58,017
God, I love that.
We would have cake for breakfast.

1875
01:49:58,100 --> 01:49:59,433
- Can we do that?
- Yeah.

1876
01:49:59,516 --> 01:50:01,600
Will you do it with us,
Papa Charlie and Emma?

1877
01:50:01,683 --> 01:50:05,600
- Absolutely.
- Anything for you. Is it upside-down day?

1878
01:50:05,683 --> 01:50:07,184
Yeah. Upside-down day.

1879
01:50:07,975 --> 01:50:09,892
I got it. Upside-down day is great.

1880
01:50:09,975 --> 01:50:12,017
- Yeah?
- This will be really good.

1881
01:50:12,100 --> 01:50:13,184
Okay.

1882
01:50:17,267 --> 01:50:21,558
Hey, Rex, tell them the story about
when Dad was barbecuing outside

1883
01:50:21,642 --> 01:50:24,059
he was making all these hot dogs
and a bear came.

1884
01:50:24,642 --> 01:50:26,391
That's a really good story.

1885
01:50:26,475 --> 01:50:31,975
- Okay, so I think it was July 4th.
- Dad loves 4th of Julys.

1886
01:50:36,934 --> 01:50:38,350
It's beautiful here.

1887
01:50:44,100 --> 01:50:45,433
Are you okay?

1888
01:50:49,808 --> 01:50:50,725
I'm here.

1889
01:51:36,225 --> 01:51:37,683
Come on. Sun's going down.

1890
01:51:39,808 --> 01:51:42,892
It's going. Come on,
he's not gonna wait for us.

1891
01:51:47,017 --> 01:51:49,558
Come on. Don't wanna miss it.

1892
01:51:52,975 --> 01:51:54,600
This is gonna be a beauty.

1893
01:51:55,517 --> 01:51:57,517
Okay, that looks so beautiful.

1894
01:52:50,059 --> 01:52:51,183
Bye-bye, Sun.

1895
01:53:16,975 --> 01:53:18,600
Goodbye, old man.

1896
01:53:27,984 --> 01:53:32,984
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