1
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:16,000
["Space Oddity" by David Bowie playing]
2
00:00:21,041 --> 00:00:25,416
[Elvis] Every once in a while,
man accomplishes the impossible.
3
00:00:26,166 --> 00:00:29,125
[astronaut]
Visual confirm. Landing gear deployed.
4
00:00:29,833 --> 00:00:32,250
[Neil Armstrong] Copy that, Columbia.
The Eagle has wings.
5
00:00:33,041 --> 00:00:35,625
[Elvis] All it takes
is someone with a dream.
6
00:00:36,291 --> 00:00:38,250
[astronaut] Godspeed, Eagle.
7
00:00:38,333 --> 00:00:39,726
[Elvis] Because when a man dreams...
8
00:00:39,750 --> 00:00:41,208
[laughs]
9
00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:42,750
...you know what happens.
10
00:00:42,833 --> 00:00:44,958
He can change the world.
11
00:00:45,041 --> 00:00:46,166
[director] All right, cut.
12
00:00:46,250 --> 00:00:47,500
[bell rings]
13
00:00:47,583 --> 00:00:50,541
Okay, listen. I don't want
to obstruct your process here,
14
00:00:50,625 --> 00:00:53,458
but I'm looking at the script,
and I'm pretty sure... Yep.
15
00:00:53,541 --> 00:00:56,500
There are zero of those words in it.
16
00:00:56,583 --> 00:00:59,583
True, but only because
the words in the script are dog shit.
17
00:00:59,666 --> 00:01:02,333
All right. Now, look.
Look. Just forget the words.
18
00:01:02,416 --> 00:01:03,750
Ride the truth, buddy.
19
00:01:03,833 --> 00:01:06,666
You're Dr. John Carpenter,
idealistic ghetto physician.
20
00:01:06,750 --> 00:01:10,416
You help everybody: the poor, the sick,
the hungry. You know, blah, blah, blah.
21
00:01:10,500 --> 00:01:12,375
You're Jesus, mate. You're the journey.
22
00:01:12,458 --> 00:01:15,208
Your journey is the journey of America.
23
00:01:15,291 --> 00:01:17,791
And at some point,
you make out with a nun.
24
00:01:17,875 --> 00:01:18,958
Oh, and how good is that?
25
00:01:19,041 --> 00:01:21,000
Yeah. Well, listen up here, rookie.
26
00:01:21,083 --> 00:01:24,166
America doesn't make out with nuns.
27
00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:26,125
Oh yeah?
Well, that's America's loss, isn't it?
28
00:01:26,208 --> 00:01:29,583
All right, listen up.
We're gonna go again. And action!
29
00:01:31,958 --> 00:01:33,458
What the fuck?
30
00:01:33,541 --> 00:01:36,291
Oh come on, people.
What's more important?
31
00:01:36,375 --> 00:01:40,041
Some human buzz cuts
riding a glorified firework to a rock,
32
00:01:40,125 --> 00:01:44,041
or the living art
that we're here making on Earth?
33
00:01:46,583 --> 00:01:48,375
All right, fuck me, let's take five.
34
00:01:48,458 --> 00:01:50,708
[ominous music playing]
35
00:01:54,541 --> 00:01:56,375
[feedback squeals]
36
00:01:56,458 --> 00:01:58,500
[TV announcer]
Direct from our newsroom in New York,
37
00:01:58,583 --> 00:02:02,041
this is the CBS Evening News
with Walter Cronkite.
38
00:02:02,125 --> 00:02:06,750
The lunar module will descend
to the surface in the next few hours.
39
00:02:06,833 --> 00:02:10,166
The heroism of these men
cannot be overstated.
40
00:02:10,250 --> 00:02:11,958
Oh, will you look at that.
41
00:02:12,041 --> 00:02:16,708
Hmm. Say, you ever get the feeling
we could be doing something more?
42
00:02:16,791 --> 00:02:17,875
- More?
- Yeah.
43
00:02:17,958 --> 00:02:20,375
You know, something,
I don't know... bigger.
44
00:02:20,458 --> 00:02:21,916
Nothing bigger than being Elvis.
45
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:24,291
I mean, look here.
Right in front of us, right now,
46
00:02:24,375 --> 00:02:28,916
human beings are about to land
on the goddamn moon.
47
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:30,333
Ha! And what am I doing?
48
00:02:30,416 --> 00:02:33,833
Well, the next scene, you teach a child
about tolerance through the power of song,
49
00:02:33,916 --> 00:02:36,083
which apparently makes a nun horny.
50
00:02:36,166 --> 00:02:38,291
Yet somehow, not enough.
51
00:02:38,375 --> 00:02:39,750
You feeling okay, boss?
52
00:02:40,875 --> 00:02:42,958
Be better if I was on that space capsule.
53
00:02:43,041 --> 00:02:44,291
[hooting]
54
00:02:44,375 --> 00:02:46,458
Oh, bullshit? This is not bullshit.
55
00:02:46,541 --> 00:02:48,833
This is a giant moment in history.
56
00:02:48,916 --> 00:02:52,125
You know it. Right up there
with your comeback TV special.
57
00:02:52,208 --> 00:02:53,125
Arguably.
58
00:02:53,208 --> 00:02:54,833
[gibbering]
59
00:02:54,916 --> 00:02:57,250
Hey. You promised me you'd quit that shit.
60
00:02:57,333 --> 00:02:59,083
[exclaiming]
61
00:02:59,166 --> 00:03:03,083
Technically speaking, boss, he said
he'd quit coke every day except Tuesdays.
62
00:03:03,166 --> 00:03:05,833
Ooh, cocaine Tuesdays? Love it.
63
00:03:05,916 --> 00:03:07,958
It's like taco Tuesdays,
but for awesome people.
64
00:03:08,041 --> 00:03:10,708
Oh, goddamn it. What are you doing here?
65
00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:13,291
Uh, eating, obviously.
66
00:03:13,375 --> 00:03:14,583
Oh my God.
67
00:03:14,666 --> 00:03:18,666
Oh, I would kill an actual human baby
for, like, ten of these.
68
00:03:19,250 --> 00:03:21,958
What? No, not one I know. Jesus.
69
00:03:22,041 --> 00:03:24,083
So, what, is this what you do?
70
00:03:24,166 --> 00:03:26,458
You just keep showing up
whenever you feel like it?
71
00:03:26,541 --> 00:03:28,375
Same way I got into Yale. True story.
72
00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:29,375
But look, I want...
73
00:03:29,458 --> 00:03:31,791
Stop. I don't even
want to know why you're here.
74
00:03:31,875 --> 00:03:33,583
What? I'm just a huge fan.
75
00:03:33,666 --> 00:03:35,625
Well, of your movies. They're hilarious.
76
00:03:35,708 --> 00:03:37,875
I mean, not the comedies, obviously.
77
00:03:37,958 --> 00:03:41,416
- There's a compliment in there somewhere.
- Enough. You need to go. Now.
78
00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:42,500
Fine. Rude.
79
00:03:47,333 --> 00:03:49,541
Uh-oh, missed a spot there. I gotcha.
80
00:03:49,625 --> 00:03:50,666
[CeCe sniffs]
81
00:03:51,166 --> 00:03:52,041
[snarls]
82
00:03:52,125 --> 00:03:53,000
Get rid of this.
83
00:03:53,083 --> 00:03:55,125
Where the fuck
are you getting all this coke?
84
00:03:55,208 --> 00:03:56,041
[Scatter gibbers]
85
00:03:56,125 --> 00:03:57,125
Flyboy?
86
00:03:57,500 --> 00:04:01,166
Oh, he's this fella selling maps
to movie star houses in the parking lot.
87
00:04:01,250 --> 00:04:03,767
Oh, and a shit-ton of cocaine.
Probably should've led with that.
88
00:04:03,791 --> 00:04:05,583
- How about you introduce me?
- Now?
89
00:04:05,666 --> 00:04:06,875
What about the next scene?
90
00:04:06,958 --> 00:04:10,541
[director] Okay, people.
Nuns, put on your roller skates.
91
00:04:10,625 --> 00:04:11,625
It can wait.
92
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:13,833
[Bertie] Hold up.
93
00:04:13,916 --> 00:04:18,000
Set's that way, but you're heading
this way. Seems like a disconnect.
94
00:04:18,083 --> 00:04:20,125
Oh, just gonna step out for a bit.
95
00:04:20,208 --> 00:04:23,083
Uh-huh? Then what's with
the vigilante face?
96
00:04:23,166 --> 00:04:24,333
What vigilante face?
97
00:04:24,416 --> 00:04:30,125
The one that comes right before some
godforsaken karate, gunfight, bloodbath.
98
00:04:30,208 --> 00:04:33,916
Oh, you mean that vigilante face.
99
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,291
Come on. We're here to make a movie.
100
00:04:36,375 --> 00:04:38,208
The director's setting up the next shot.
101
00:04:38,291 --> 00:04:42,333
Oh, now, just relax, Miss Bertie.
Heck, it's just an over-the-shoulder shot.
102
00:04:42,416 --> 00:04:44,333
Bobby Ray can stand in for me.
103
00:04:44,416 --> 00:04:47,666
Am I the only one
who remembers how badly this can go?
104
00:04:48,666 --> 00:04:51,250
Ha-ha! Hang on. Are we already filming?
105
00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:53,125
Wait, is that my beer back there?
106
00:04:53,208 --> 00:04:54,625
[boy screams]
107
00:04:54,708 --> 00:04:57,583
Hmm, and we're still paying
for that poor boy.
108
00:04:57,666 --> 00:05:00,791
Oh, relax. No kids in this movie.
He'll do great.
109
00:05:00,875 --> 00:05:04,375
Puerto Rican street urchins,
over here, por favor. Chop-chop!
110
00:05:04,458 --> 00:05:07,250
Um, I'm not actually Puerto Rican.
111
00:05:07,333 --> 00:05:08,453
Yeah, well, none of you are.
112
00:05:08,500 --> 00:05:10,750
That's why God invented
the magic of makeup, mate.
113
00:05:10,833 --> 00:05:12,666
Do you even read these scripts?
114
00:05:12,750 --> 00:05:14,625
I actually try not to.
115
00:05:15,875 --> 00:05:17,875
[funky music playing]
116
00:05:19,666 --> 00:05:22,291
Holy shit. Fucking Elvis.
117
00:05:22,375 --> 00:05:24,250
Oh man. Oh wow.
118
00:05:24,333 --> 00:05:26,208
What are you, a doctor now?
119
00:05:26,291 --> 00:05:29,916
Uh, let me guess. You're Flyboy?
120
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:30,833
Uh...
121
00:05:30,916 --> 00:05:32,750
[funky music playing]
122
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,875
[Flyboy grunting]
123
00:05:35,583 --> 00:05:37,625
Does that answer your question?
124
00:05:37,708 --> 00:05:38,958
- Not remotely.
- All right.
125
00:05:39,041 --> 00:05:41,708
So, uh, you want a star map or what?
126
00:05:41,791 --> 00:05:45,083
Five buck extra gets you
Paul Newman's gate code.
127
00:05:45,166 --> 00:05:47,208
Tell you what, Flyboy.
128
00:05:47,291 --> 00:05:50,291
I'm a lot more interested
in that other shit you're selling.
129
00:05:50,375 --> 00:05:52,125
- Know what I mean?
- Ah.
130
00:05:52,208 --> 00:05:53,958
Right, right, right. Yeah.
131
00:05:54,041 --> 00:05:55,708
[imitating whip cracking]
Check it out.
132
00:05:55,791 --> 00:05:57,583
So, tell me, Flyboy,
133
00:05:57,666 --> 00:06:00,416
if you're a drug dealer,
how come you're dressed like a pimp?
134
00:06:00,500 --> 00:06:03,291
Okay. Yeah, well,
I mean, there is some overlap.
135
00:06:03,375 --> 00:06:05,500
But come on,
you want some of this coke or not?
136
00:06:05,583 --> 00:06:07,458
More like all of it.
137
00:06:07,541 --> 00:06:09,208
All of it? Oh.
138
00:06:09,708 --> 00:06:10,958
[laughs] Oh!
139
00:06:11,041 --> 00:06:14,250
Well, guess who's
an official fucking Elvis fan!
140
00:06:14,333 --> 00:06:15,708
Right on, man!
141
00:06:15,791 --> 00:06:16,791
All right. All right.
142
00:06:16,875 --> 00:06:19,541
Now, um, I don't normally
deal in bulk, but I...
143
00:06:19,625 --> 00:06:20,791
- Shut up.
- Uh, done.
144
00:06:20,875 --> 00:06:24,416
Now, ordinarily, I'd just kick your ass
for being a piece-of-shit drug dealer
145
00:06:24,500 --> 00:06:26,958
who happens to be dressed like a pimp,
and I'd be on my way,
146
00:06:27,041 --> 00:06:29,375
but I'm having kind of
a weird fucking morning.
147
00:06:29,458 --> 00:06:30,291
[snaps fingers]
148
00:06:30,375 --> 00:06:32,458
- [snarls]
- I mean, honestly, same here.
149
00:06:32,541 --> 00:06:35,125
- And I'm after bigger fish than you today.
- Right.
150
00:06:35,208 --> 00:06:39,041
Long story, but I'm kinda pissed off
that I am not in space right now.
151
00:06:39,125 --> 00:06:41,916
Yeah, that tracks. That makes sense to me.
152
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:45,166
But I can't exactly walk around
without being noticed.
153
00:06:45,250 --> 00:06:47,708
So, I'll need to borrow a few things.
154
00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:49,416
[car engine revving]
155
00:06:50,791 --> 00:06:55,250
Wow, that actually looks way better
on you than it did on me, honestly.
156
00:06:55,333 --> 00:06:57,750
Yeah, like nobody saw that coming.
157
00:06:59,208 --> 00:07:00,208
[engine revs]
158
00:07:03,625 --> 00:07:06,625
Mission Control awaits word. The lunar...
159
00:07:06,708 --> 00:07:07,708
[static crackles]
160
00:07:07,791 --> 00:07:09,625
What are you doing, Agent Ryder?
161
00:07:09,708 --> 00:07:10,833
Um, nothing.
162
00:07:10,916 --> 00:07:11,916
Oh good, good.
163
00:07:11,958 --> 00:07:16,291
Then you have plenty of time to tell me
why Elvis isn't on his Elvis movie set,
164
00:07:16,375 --> 00:07:20,791
which, as you know,
is extremely important to me.
165
00:07:20,875 --> 00:07:24,083
Oh, fist me sideways!
Where the hell'd he go?
166
00:07:24,166 --> 00:07:26,041
[funky music playing]
167
00:07:26,791 --> 00:07:27,916
So where are we headed?
168
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,708
Come on, man.
You know I can't tell you that.
169
00:07:30,791 --> 00:07:33,291
Because snitches end up
getting fucking stitches.
170
00:07:33,375 --> 00:07:35,791
- [chuckles]
- Yeah, I heard somebody say that once.
171
00:07:35,875 --> 00:07:38,125
But you know what's worse than stitches?
172
00:07:38,208 --> 00:07:39,125
[snarling]
173
00:07:39,208 --> 00:07:40,416
Turns out I do.
174
00:07:40,958 --> 00:07:44,666
Okay. E, but baby,
whatever you do, don't hurt the coat.
175
00:07:45,958 --> 00:07:47,125
I actually get that.
176
00:07:55,291 --> 00:07:57,166
[CeCe] Paging Dr. John Carpenter.
177
00:07:57,250 --> 00:07:59,041
[sighs] Damn it!
178
00:07:59,125 --> 00:08:00,750
Uh, shouldn't you be making a movie now?
179
00:08:00,833 --> 00:08:02,593
All right, look,
just cut the shit, will you?
180
00:08:02,666 --> 00:08:05,208
- What are you really up to?
- Oh my God, paranoid. Nothing.
181
00:08:05,291 --> 00:08:07,125
- Where's the trust?
- Irradiated.
182
00:08:07,208 --> 00:08:09,875
In a nuclear fireball back in Vegas.
183
00:08:09,958 --> 00:08:11,416
Okay, so, what's this?
184
00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:14,166
Sneaking out
on another little vigilante kick?
185
00:08:14,250 --> 00:08:16,125
Just a man standing against the tide.
186
00:08:16,208 --> 00:08:19,791
Yeah, which totally works.
That's why you don't see tides anymore.
187
00:08:19,875 --> 00:08:21,583
It's called making a difference.
188
00:08:21,666 --> 00:08:23,750
No, it's not.
It's called a complete waste of time.
189
00:08:23,833 --> 00:08:26,958
I know what this is really about,
so let me bottom-line it for you.
190
00:08:27,041 --> 00:08:29,625
No matter how many tiny little
drug dealers you take down,
191
00:08:29,708 --> 00:08:31,108
it won't get you to the moon today.
192
00:08:31,166 --> 00:08:33,208
- You got mustard on your face.
- Yes, I know.
193
00:08:33,291 --> 00:08:36,125
You good with that?
Walking around with mustard on your face?
194
00:08:36,208 --> 00:08:38,750
Oh shit! Dr. Carpenter carries a gun?
195
00:08:38,833 --> 00:08:40,541
Ooh! Plot twist.
196
00:08:40,625 --> 00:08:42,250
Whoa, whoa, wait. What's the line again?
197
00:08:42,333 --> 00:08:45,208
[director]
Your line is, "Yes." Fucking dipshit.
198
00:08:45,291 --> 00:08:47,125
[ominous music playing]
199
00:08:48,541 --> 00:08:49,541
Night vision.
200
00:08:49,583 --> 00:08:50,500
[electrical crackling]
201
00:08:50,583 --> 00:08:53,125
Oh shit. Goddamn it.
202
00:08:53,208 --> 00:08:56,625
Hmm. Okay. As much as I did love
the on-fire glasses,
203
00:08:57,791 --> 00:08:59,375
these fuckers see through walls.
204
00:08:59,458 --> 00:09:00,767
- Are you serious?
- Dead serious.
205
00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:03,500
And if you reverse the polarity,
they'll scorch a human eyeball.
206
00:09:03,583 --> 00:09:04,863
I'm talking full-on badass here.
207
00:09:04,916 --> 00:09:06,416
- Bullshit.
- Just ask my roommate.
208
00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:08,180
But don't look her
in the eyes when you do,
209
00:09:08,208 --> 00:09:09,568
because they look super weird now.
210
00:09:09,625 --> 00:09:10,791
Ooh!
211
00:09:10,875 --> 00:09:12,458
Yes, please.
212
00:09:13,416 --> 00:09:16,458
Uh, oh my. Okay, I am so moving here.
213
00:09:17,333 --> 00:09:18,813
Okay, as soon as those guys move out.
214
00:09:18,875 --> 00:09:20,958
[Elvis]
Yeah, cool, but how much for the goggles?
215
00:09:21,041 --> 00:09:23,958
Oh, you can't afford them.
Beatles money, maybe, but not you.
216
00:09:24,041 --> 00:09:27,000
Any chance
your "magic goggles" can tell me
217
00:09:27,083 --> 00:09:29,125
what's waiting
on the other side of that door?
218
00:09:29,208 --> 00:09:30,916
[scoffs]
Where's the fun in that, dumbass?
219
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:32,166
Just hurry this up.
220
00:09:32,250 --> 00:09:34,791
Dr. Carpenter has to cure
an orphan's tuberculosis
221
00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:36,541
by making him believe in himself.
222
00:09:36,625 --> 00:09:38,583
Oh God, that script's a piece of shit.
223
00:09:38,666 --> 00:09:40,106
[Neil Armstrong] Copy that, Houston.
224
00:09:40,166 --> 00:09:42,208
[radar beeping]
225
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:44,625
[static crackles]
226
00:09:44,708 --> 00:09:47,625
And now, all we can do is wait.
227
00:09:48,375 --> 00:09:50,833
- As the lunar module begins to descend...
- [knock on door]
228
00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:55,875
Hey, Flyboy. Back to re-up already?
229
00:09:55,958 --> 00:09:57,333
[grunts]
230
00:09:57,416 --> 00:09:58,750
[Scatter gibbers]
231
00:09:58,833 --> 00:10:00,000
Hey, that was...
232
00:10:01,583 --> 00:10:02,583
[Elvis] Jesus.
233
00:10:05,833 --> 00:10:09,416
It's quite an operation you got here.
Why don't you tell me who's in charge?
234
00:10:09,500 --> 00:10:10,833
Fuck you!
235
00:10:10,916 --> 00:10:11,916
Try again.
236
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,875
[gasps and blows raspberry]
237
00:10:14,958 --> 00:10:17,958
I was trying to whistle,
but you knocked out my tooth.
238
00:10:18,041 --> 00:10:19,250
Guys! Get in here!
239
00:10:19,333 --> 00:10:21,791
["Change of Habit"
by Elvis Presley playing]
240
00:10:22,666 --> 00:10:24,500
♪ If you're in old habits ♪
241
00:10:24,583 --> 00:10:25,500
[all yell]
242
00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:26,958
♪ Set in your old ways ♪
243
00:10:27,500 --> 00:10:29,458
♪ Changes are a-comin' ♪
244
00:10:29,541 --> 00:10:32,000
♪ For these are changing days ♪
245
00:10:32,083 --> 00:10:34,416
♪ And if your head is in the sand ♪
246
00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:36,083
♪ While things are going on ♪
247
00:10:36,166 --> 00:10:37,000
[screams]
248
00:10:37,083 --> 00:10:40,458
♪ What you need, what you need ♪
249
00:10:41,375 --> 00:10:44,916
♪ What you need is a change of habit... ♪
250
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:45,833
[man] Shit!
251
00:10:45,916 --> 00:10:47,333
[gibbers]
252
00:10:48,583 --> 00:10:51,458
You know this shit's not gonna
make you feel any better, right?
253
00:10:51,541 --> 00:10:52,916
Agree to disagree.
254
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:54,708
- [objects crashing]
- [punches landing]
255
00:10:54,791 --> 00:10:56,017
♪ When you talk with people... ♪
256
00:10:56,041 --> 00:10:58,708
Okay, tough love time.
No matter what you do,
257
00:10:58,791 --> 00:11:00,711
it's not gonna turn you
into a fucking astronaut.
258
00:11:00,791 --> 00:11:02,791
I will literally pay you to stop talking.
259
00:11:02,875 --> 00:11:05,291
Whoa, you sound
just like my mother when I was little.
260
00:11:05,375 --> 00:11:06,833
Sounds like a super lady.
261
00:11:07,541 --> 00:11:10,500
She paid me in cigarettes, by the way.
So, yeah, real gem.
262
00:11:11,416 --> 00:11:12,666
[gun hammers cock]
263
00:11:13,333 --> 00:11:14,750
- [gunfire]
- [men grunt]
264
00:11:15,458 --> 00:11:17,583
♪ A change of outlook ♪
265
00:11:17,666 --> 00:11:20,041
♪ A change of heart ♪
266
00:11:20,125 --> 00:11:21,958
♪ You'll be all right... ♪
267
00:11:22,041 --> 00:11:23,041
[both grunt]
268
00:11:23,125 --> 00:11:24,791
[man screams]
269
00:11:25,750 --> 00:11:27,208
[glass shatters]
270
00:11:27,916 --> 00:11:29,750
[Elvis] Open wide, asshole.
271
00:11:29,833 --> 00:11:32,333
About to lose a lot more than that tooth.
272
00:11:32,416 --> 00:11:36,541
Talk. That was way more
than just local dealer coke up there.
273
00:11:36,625 --> 00:11:37,458
[gasps]
274
00:11:37,541 --> 00:11:39,250
That shipment. There's a...
275
00:11:39,333 --> 00:11:40,916
[Scatter howls]
276
00:11:44,791 --> 00:11:46,958
Goddamn it, Scatter!
277
00:11:47,041 --> 00:11:48,166
[gas hissing]
278
00:11:51,583 --> 00:11:52,958
[explosion]
279
00:11:55,041 --> 00:11:57,333
[Scatter gibbers]
280
00:11:57,416 --> 00:12:00,416
[CeCe] Oh man!
This looks so cool through these.
281
00:12:03,791 --> 00:12:04,833
[children laugh]
282
00:12:06,208 --> 00:12:07,541
[boy 1] Hey, it's snowing!
283
00:12:07,625 --> 00:12:09,333
[laughter]
284
00:12:09,416 --> 00:12:10,625
It's snowing!
285
00:12:10,708 --> 00:12:12,208
- It's snowing!
- [boy 2] Yay!
286
00:12:12,791 --> 00:12:14,041
Yay!
287
00:12:15,125 --> 00:12:17,166
[Elvis] Damn it, Scatter. Get back here.
288
00:12:18,583 --> 00:12:21,041
- Fucking Tuesdays.
- [CeCe] Well, look at it this way.
289
00:12:21,125 --> 00:12:24,500
You know, at least you introduced
a bunch of kids to the dangers of drugs
290
00:12:24,583 --> 00:12:27,041
by actually giving them a ton of drugs.
291
00:12:27,125 --> 00:12:28,916
- [car engine revs]
- [tires squeal]
292
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,583
Hey! You're ditching me?
293
00:12:30,666 --> 00:12:31,708
[director] Yes!
294
00:12:32,666 --> 00:12:33,875
- What?
- [director] "Yes."
295
00:12:33,958 --> 00:12:36,375
"Yes" to what?
Me saying the line, or that's the line?
296
00:12:36,458 --> 00:12:39,125
Just say it, mate. "Yes."
297
00:12:39,208 --> 00:12:41,583
Okay. I mean, yes! Damn it!
298
00:12:41,666 --> 00:12:43,000
- [Bertie] Cut!
- [bell rings]
299
00:12:44,250 --> 00:12:45,166
Where's Elvis?
300
00:12:45,250 --> 00:12:48,166
Just, uh, stepped out
to buy some cigarettes.
301
00:12:48,250 --> 00:12:49,458
He doesn't smoke.
302
00:12:49,541 --> 00:12:50,833
[laughs nervously]
303
00:12:50,916 --> 00:12:52,958
Did I say cigarettes? I meant Cadillacs.
304
00:12:53,041 --> 00:12:56,500
You realize how incredibly bad you are
at lying to me, right?
305
00:12:56,583 --> 00:12:57,708
Sadly, I do.
306
00:12:58,791 --> 00:13:00,125
[Flyboy] What the fuck?
307
00:13:00,208 --> 00:13:02,791
Oh damn, E.
What the hell happened to my coat?
308
00:13:02,875 --> 00:13:03,875
Different things.
309
00:13:03,958 --> 00:13:06,666
[Flyboy] Shit, man. You know
how much that fucking coat costs?
310
00:13:06,750 --> 00:13:09,791
Yeah, you're gonna tell me
about expensive clothes.
311
00:13:09,875 --> 00:13:12,291
Look here, rookie,
what you need to talk about instead
312
00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:14,000
is the cocaine shipment.
313
00:13:14,083 --> 00:13:17,041
The same cocaine shipment
somebody else was telling me about
314
00:13:17,125 --> 00:13:19,375
before somebody else exploded.
315
00:13:19,458 --> 00:13:22,583
Somebody fucking exploded?
What the... And what shipment?
316
00:13:22,666 --> 00:13:25,250
They don't tell me shit, man. Okay?
317
00:13:25,333 --> 00:13:26,458
- I swear.
- [gun cocks]
318
00:13:27,458 --> 00:13:30,416
[Elvis] You see that? That means
Scatter doesn't like your answer.
319
00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:34,541
Okay, okay, okay, okay!
Just go find Big Rod. He'll know.
320
00:13:34,625 --> 00:13:38,416
He's always down by Pier 4.
I swear, this time for real.
321
00:13:38,500 --> 00:13:40,833
I'm gonna have a bruise on my dick.
322
00:13:40,916 --> 00:13:44,291
Good. And listen, Flyboy.
Sorry about the coat.
323
00:13:46,125 --> 00:13:47,875
What the hell are you wearing?
324
00:13:48,458 --> 00:13:49,541
Ooh, long story.
325
00:13:49,625 --> 00:13:51,958
Looks like you stole some pimp's clothes.
326
00:13:52,041 --> 00:13:53,208
So it's not just me.
327
00:13:53,291 --> 00:13:55,809
- And what are you doing?
- Just dropped by to grab a few things.
328
00:13:55,833 --> 00:13:58,000
You mean a bunch of guns and bullets.
329
00:13:58,083 --> 00:14:02,666
Uh-huh, see, I know
your I'm-out-of-ammo face when I see it.
330
00:14:02,750 --> 00:14:05,666
What we need
is to get you back to that set right now.
331
00:14:05,750 --> 00:14:07,666
- Bobby Ray can handle it.
- Wanna bet?
332
00:14:07,750 --> 00:14:09,000
[director] And action!
333
00:14:09,583 --> 00:14:11,250
Now, hang on a sec. Uh...
334
00:14:11,833 --> 00:14:13,208
What's my motivation?
335
00:14:13,291 --> 00:14:14,916
For opening a door, you dipshit?
336
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,916
You want to be
on the other side of the door.
337
00:14:20,958 --> 00:14:24,541
It's moments like these
that truly make you feel like
338
00:14:24,625 --> 00:14:27,125
- we're part of the tides of history.
- [car alarm chirps]
339
00:14:27,208 --> 00:14:29,208
[funky music playing]
340
00:14:36,291 --> 00:14:37,458
[gibbering]
341
00:14:37,541 --> 00:14:39,226
- Just quit it, will you?
- [bottle shatters]
342
00:14:39,250 --> 00:14:41,500
I know you're bitter
because you washed out of NASA.
343
00:14:41,583 --> 00:14:42,875
[Scatter vocalizing]
344
00:14:42,958 --> 00:14:45,500
"Full of shit"? Who, Neil Armstrong?
345
00:14:45,583 --> 00:14:48,458
[Walter Cronkite]
American heroes, each and every one.
346
00:14:48,541 --> 00:14:53,291
The hopes and dreams of an entire nation
rest on their shoulders.
347
00:14:53,375 --> 00:14:57,750
[The Commander] CeCe, I noticed
Elvis still isn't on the set,
348
00:14:57,833 --> 00:15:00,208
with menacing emphasis on "still."
349
00:15:00,291 --> 00:15:01,750
Yeah, I know. I'm working on it.
350
00:15:01,833 --> 00:15:04,250
- Might want to work faster.
- Yes, sir. Understood.
351
00:15:04,333 --> 00:15:06,458
[laughs]
352
00:15:06,541 --> 00:15:08,041
Funny unrelated story.
353
00:15:08,125 --> 00:15:11,500
I once had to wait too long
for an appetizer,
354
00:15:11,583 --> 00:15:15,416
so I carved the waiter's femur
into a salad fork.
355
00:15:15,500 --> 00:15:16,500
[wheezes]
356
00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:19,583
Oh my God. You should have seen
the look on his grandkids' faces.
357
00:15:19,666 --> 00:15:22,541
And what the hell were his grandkids
doing there? So many questions.
358
00:15:22,625 --> 00:15:23,833
[dial tone buzzes]
359
00:15:23,916 --> 00:15:25,416
Oh good. You made it back.
360
00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:29,041
So now I guess we're overcompensating
for our moon-landing inadequacies.
361
00:15:29,125 --> 00:15:30,416
[Elvis] Quit it with that crap.
362
00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:31,833
Listen, I get it.
363
00:15:31,916 --> 00:15:34,083
When my mom beat me
in a wet T-shirt contest,
364
00:15:34,166 --> 00:15:36,447
I stopped eating for three months
and burned the bar down.
365
00:15:37,791 --> 00:15:41,625
- Where are we headed?
- There's no "we" happening here.
366
00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:44,416
And you still have mustard on your face.
367
00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:47,416
- Thank you for noticing me. I feel seen.
- You're not getting it.
368
00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:49,601
- Well, at least let me give you a ride.
- No, thanks.
369
00:15:49,625 --> 00:15:52,041
- Oh yeah? You sure about that, big guy?
- [car alarm chirps]
370
00:15:52,125 --> 00:15:53,916
[car engine revs]
371
00:15:55,333 --> 00:15:56,333
[keys jingle]
372
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:02,833
Shouldn't be long now as we await word
from the valiant crew of Apollo 11
373
00:16:02,916 --> 00:16:04,291
on final descent.
374
00:16:04,375 --> 00:16:06,041
Come on, guys. Get it done.
375
00:16:06,125 --> 00:16:08,083
Yeah, speaking of,
how about we get this done
376
00:16:08,166 --> 00:16:10,541
- and get you back to that set?
- No, the movie can wait.
377
00:16:10,625 --> 00:16:12,833
We're trying to stop
a major drug shipment here.
378
00:16:12,916 --> 00:16:16,250
Yeah, which there are literally
thousands of every fucking day.
379
00:16:16,333 --> 00:16:17,208
[sighs]
380
00:16:17,291 --> 00:16:19,000
Where'd you score this ride, by the way?
381
00:16:19,083 --> 00:16:20,603
It's pretty great, right? Company car.
382
00:16:20,666 --> 00:16:22,333
- Mind if I push these buttons?
- Sure.
383
00:16:22,416 --> 00:16:28,166
Wait. And not get electrocuted or ejected
out of my seat or some other bullshit.
384
00:16:28,250 --> 00:16:30,416
Oh, then, no.
No, I wouldn't touch most of those.
385
00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:31,875
[gibbering]
386
00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:33,708
Uh, thank you?
387
00:16:33,791 --> 00:16:35,708
He wants to know if there's any booze.
388
00:16:35,791 --> 00:16:39,000
It's a high-performance, state-of-the-art
intelligence-gathering asset.
389
00:16:39,083 --> 00:16:40,708
It's the third button on your right.
390
00:16:41,708 --> 00:16:43,166
[tires squeal]
391
00:16:43,250 --> 00:16:44,500
[truck horn blares]
392
00:16:44,583 --> 00:16:45,833
[explosion]
393
00:16:45,916 --> 00:16:48,708
Make that the fourth button
on your right. I think.
394
00:16:48,791 --> 00:16:50,791
[funky music playing]
395
00:16:52,708 --> 00:16:55,083
Oh my God.
You know we'll never find this guy, right?
396
00:16:55,166 --> 00:16:58,541
Yep. That's why God invented
dickheads with vanity plates.
397
00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:00,500
[tires screech]
398
00:17:02,750 --> 00:17:03,750
Hey, buddy.
399
00:17:04,166 --> 00:17:05,375
Need to have a word.
400
00:17:09,375 --> 00:17:10,375
Damn it, Scatter!
401
00:17:10,458 --> 00:17:13,375
- [Scatter gibbers]
- The buttons are not toys!
402
00:17:15,583 --> 00:17:17,208
[Scatter gibbering]
403
00:17:17,291 --> 00:17:19,541
[upbeat suspenseful music playing]
404
00:17:38,083 --> 00:17:41,041
[Elvis] Looks like you're all out
of foot-chase clichés.
405
00:17:41,666 --> 00:17:43,291
What the hell do you want?
406
00:17:43,375 --> 00:17:44,958
[Elvis]
Tell me about the drug shipment.
407
00:17:45,041 --> 00:17:47,625
Shit, man,
Cleopatra shipped out with that yesterday.
408
00:17:47,708 --> 00:17:48,708
Cleopatra?
409
00:17:51,041 --> 00:17:53,666
- [car door opens]
- Kinda sick of you guys ditching me.
410
00:17:53,750 --> 00:17:56,083
So where's this major
big-time drug shipment anyway?
411
00:17:56,166 --> 00:17:57,458
[sighs]
412
00:17:57,541 --> 00:17:58,750
Already gone.
413
00:17:58,833 --> 00:17:59,833
[CeCe] Oh good.
414
00:17:59,875 --> 00:18:02,500
Okay. So, I guess
that makes this, to quote myself,
415
00:18:02,583 --> 00:18:04,291
"A complete fucking waste of..."
416
00:18:05,125 --> 00:18:06,833
[boat horn blares]
417
00:18:07,458 --> 00:18:08,583
"...time." Damn it.
418
00:18:08,666 --> 00:18:10,791
Uh, sorry.
What was that you were you saying?
419
00:18:10,875 --> 00:18:14,125
Something about you
being completely wrong?
420
00:18:15,583 --> 00:18:16,708
Nice coat.
421
00:18:17,583 --> 00:18:19,000
[gunfire]
422
00:18:19,083 --> 00:18:20,791
[shouting]
423
00:18:20,875 --> 00:18:22,125
Cover you? Wait, wait...
424
00:18:22,750 --> 00:18:24,041
[gibbering]
425
00:18:24,125 --> 00:18:25,125
[shrieks]
426
00:18:30,458 --> 00:18:31,708
[coos]
427
00:18:32,375 --> 00:18:34,291
[gibbering]
428
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,375
Fucking Tuesdays.
429
00:18:38,375 --> 00:18:40,458
We need a plan, all right?
They're getting away.
430
00:18:40,541 --> 00:18:42,125
Here's a plan: who gives a shit?
431
00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:43,750
- Cover me!
- Ah, fuck.
432
00:18:43,833 --> 00:18:45,125
I hate hero time.
433
00:18:45,208 --> 00:18:48,166
For the record, my "Who gives a shit?"
plan was way easier.
434
00:18:48,250 --> 00:18:49,541
[rock music playing]
435
00:18:50,708 --> 00:18:51,916
[tires squeal]
436
00:19:00,208 --> 00:19:02,375
[Neil Armstrong]
Angle down three. Ten feet.
437
00:19:06,750 --> 00:19:10,125
Houston, Tranquility Base here.
The Eagle has landed.
438
00:19:13,458 --> 00:19:15,041
[panting]
439
00:19:15,791 --> 00:19:16,625
Wait for it.
440
00:19:16,708 --> 00:19:17,625
For what?
441
00:19:17,708 --> 00:19:20,458
You giving away my fucking car?
Already checked that box.
442
00:19:20,541 --> 00:19:24,208
No, I pushed all the buttons
before I dove out.
443
00:19:24,291 --> 00:19:26,750
That car's gonna explode
all over the place.
444
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:29,041
Wait, you pushed all the buttons?
445
00:19:29,125 --> 00:19:30,583
- Yeah.
- Oh shit.
446
00:19:30,666 --> 00:19:32,541
- What?
- That just locks the doors.
447
00:19:33,833 --> 00:19:36,458
But it did come
with this fun little doohickey
448
00:19:36,541 --> 00:19:38,083
from the Philadelphia office.
449
00:19:38,166 --> 00:19:39,208
[electricity crackling]
450
00:19:43,708 --> 00:19:45,458
- Holy shit.
- Big time.
451
00:19:45,541 --> 00:19:46,375
Where'd it go?
452
00:19:46,458 --> 00:19:48,583
Oh, I don't know.
We haven't figured that out yet.
453
00:19:49,583 --> 00:19:50,833
What's with the dumpy face?
454
00:19:50,916 --> 00:19:52,416
[Elvis] Missed the moon landing.
455
00:19:52,500 --> 00:19:55,000
All right, don't pout.
I'm sure we can get them to do it again.
456
00:19:55,083 --> 00:19:57,208
- What?
- [CeCe] Just... follow me.
457
00:19:57,291 --> 00:19:59,809
- [banging on car hood]
- [Flyboy] Come on. Is anybody out there?
458
00:19:59,833 --> 00:20:03,333
Fuck that fucking monkey
shoving a gun in my fucking dick.
459
00:20:03,416 --> 00:20:05,625
Could this day get any fucking worse?
460
00:20:13,291 --> 00:20:15,708
- Line.
- You don't fucking have one!
461
00:20:15,791 --> 00:20:17,041
Just stand there!
462
00:20:17,666 --> 00:20:20,083
Listen, I didn't
bloody well spend 12 years
463
00:20:20,166 --> 00:20:22,791
getting a PhD in fucking film theory
464
00:20:22,875 --> 00:20:25,291
to be thwarted by a fucking moron, mate!
465
00:20:25,375 --> 00:20:28,625
Oh, I hear you. That sounds frustrating.
466
00:20:28,708 --> 00:20:30,166
- Who's the moron?
- Ugh!
467
00:20:30,250 --> 00:20:32,250
Fuck this. I'm out of here.
468
00:20:32,333 --> 00:20:34,958
Oh God,
did Mary Tyler Moore just say "fuck"?
469
00:20:36,083 --> 00:20:37,916
Officially love her.
470
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:41,083
Get ready to have your mind
completely fucking blown.
471
00:20:41,750 --> 00:20:43,666
["Space Oddity" by David Bowie playing]
472
00:20:43,750 --> 00:20:47,708
♪ This is Ground Control to Major Tom... ♪
473
00:20:49,791 --> 00:20:51,166
Jesus.
474
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:52,875
Maybe Scatter was right.
475
00:20:52,958 --> 00:20:55,500
What in the hell is this?
476
00:20:56,708 --> 00:20:59,125
[The Commander]
This is history in the making.
477
00:20:59,791 --> 00:21:02,125
- Who are you?
- Elvis, I'd like you to meet my boss.
478
00:21:02,208 --> 00:21:04,208
Ooh, been looking forward to meeting you.
479
00:21:04,291 --> 00:21:07,500
Even financed that dogshit movie
next door to get you here.
480
00:21:07,583 --> 00:21:09,208
Had a whole thing planned too.
481
00:21:09,291 --> 00:21:12,333
Drinks, snacks, chocolate volcano,
482
00:21:12,416 --> 00:21:14,666
cuddles, watch the moon landing together,
483
00:21:14,750 --> 00:21:17,875
but a certain somebody was a little late.
484
00:21:17,958 --> 00:21:20,416
Well, yeah,
thanks to his vigilante bullshit.
485
00:21:20,500 --> 00:21:22,916
Also, hi, hello, I didn't know
we had a chocolate volcano.
486
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:25,000
So, wait a minute.
487
00:21:25,083 --> 00:21:28,708
The moon landing, our finest hour,
488
00:21:28,791 --> 00:21:29,791
you faked it?
489
00:21:29,875 --> 00:21:32,541
[The Commander]
Not without help from a cinematic genius.
490
00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:34,416
Say hello to Stanley Kubrick.
491
00:21:35,625 --> 00:21:36,500
Problem, Stan?
492
00:21:36,583 --> 00:21:39,541
Our star seems to be indisposed.
493
00:21:39,625 --> 00:21:40,916
Aw, he in the can?
494
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:45,125
[Stanley] No. He somehow accidentally
drank a Tang laced with cocaine,
495
00:21:45,208 --> 00:21:46,750
and now he's coked out of his mind
496
00:21:46,833 --> 00:21:49,041
on top of the building
and refuses to come down.
497
00:21:49,125 --> 00:21:50,726
- Damn it, Scatter.
- [The Commander] What?
498
00:21:50,750 --> 00:21:52,833
- Nothing.
- Well, somebody's gotta wear the suit.
499
00:21:52,916 --> 00:21:54,083
Ah.
500
00:21:54,166 --> 00:21:55,208
Elvis.
501
00:21:55,291 --> 00:21:56,458
- [chuckles]
- Excuse me?
502
00:21:56,541 --> 00:21:57,458
[shushes]
503
00:21:57,541 --> 00:22:00,083
Hush, hush. Don't worry.
You're about Neil's size.
504
00:22:00,750 --> 00:22:03,309
We've already got the line recorded.
You just have to look pretty.
505
00:22:03,333 --> 00:22:05,916
Hang on a minute. You mean, you want me...
506
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:08,291
That's right.
Be the first man on the moon.
507
00:22:08,375 --> 00:22:11,041
One small step for man, one...
508
00:22:11,958 --> 00:22:14,583
- Line?
- "Giant leap for mankind."
509
00:22:14,666 --> 00:22:16,791
Shouldn't it be small step for "a" man?
510
00:22:16,875 --> 00:22:18,755
I mean,
if we're gonna be grammatically correct?
511
00:22:18,791 --> 00:22:20,250
- No.
- You know what? Leave it.
512
00:22:20,333 --> 00:22:23,875
Look, someone's gonna figure out
that this isn't real.
513
00:22:23,958 --> 00:22:25,375
We decide what's real.
514
00:22:25,458 --> 00:22:26,750
Which this isn't.
515
00:22:26,833 --> 00:22:28,750
To the world, it is.
516
00:22:28,833 --> 00:22:29,958
You know how I know?
517
00:22:30,041 --> 00:22:32,166
Because Walter Cronkite said so.
518
00:22:32,250 --> 00:22:34,666
Hold on. Is there fucking mayo on this?
519
00:22:34,750 --> 00:22:37,791
Because that would be a national tragedy.
520
00:22:37,875 --> 00:22:41,208
Unless, of course,
you wanna get back to the nuns next door.
521
00:22:43,500 --> 00:22:45,500
["Space Oddity" by David Bowie playing]
522
00:22:46,250 --> 00:22:48,666
[Neil Armstrong]
That's one small step for man...
523
00:22:51,666 --> 00:22:54,416
one giant leap for mankind.
524
00:23:02,333 --> 00:23:05,625
[David Bowie]
♪ Ground Control to Major Tom ♪
525
00:23:08,750 --> 00:23:11,000
Welcome to TCB.
526
00:23:11,083 --> 00:23:12,666
♪ ...to Major Tom ♪
527
00:23:15,833 --> 00:23:18,625
[upbeat rockabilly music playing]