1
00:00:06,214 --> 00:00:07,924
[cheering]
2
00:00:13,722 --> 00:00:15,765
[cheering and applause]
3
00:00:18,643 --> 00:00:20,395
[cheering continues]
4
00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:29,112
[Dave] ♪ I was dreaming
When I wrote this ♪
5
00:00:29,362 --> 00:00:32,449
♪ Forgive me if it goes astray ♪
6
00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:33,992
-[laughter]
-[Dave chuckles]
7
00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:36,953
♪ But when I woke up this morning ♪
8
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:40,373
♪ Could've sworn it was Judgment Day ♪
9
00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:42,125
-[cheering]
-[Dave chuckles]
10
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♪ Sky was all purple ♪
11
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♪ There were people running everywhere ♪
12
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[woman cheers]
13
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And this is the bar of the whole song.
Prince say...
14
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♪ Trying to run from my destruction ♪
15
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♪ You know I didn't even care ♪
16
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[cheering]
17
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Good people of Atlanta,
18
00:01:04,731 --> 00:01:06,733
we must never forget...
19
00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:09,611
that Anthony Bourdain...
20
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[man] Yeah!
21
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...killed himself.
22
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[laughter]
23
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Anthony Bourdain had the greatest job
that show business ever produced.
24
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This nigga flew around the world...
25
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[laughter]
26
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...and ate delicious meals
with outstanding people.
27
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That man with that job
28
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hung himself in a luxury suite in France.
29
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[laughter]
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♪ They say 2000-zero-zero ♪
31
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♪ Party over, oops, out of time ♪
32
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[whistling]
33
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♪ So, tonight I'm gonna party ♪
34
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♪ Like it's 1999 ♪
35
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I knew a nigga in high school
that was an urban genius.
36
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This motherfucker's grades was so good,
37
00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:04,165
he got all the way from the hood
to an Ivy League school
38
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with a full scholarship.
39
00:02:07,085 --> 00:02:09,170
From there, the motherfucker got himself
40
00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:11,631
into one of the best law schools
in the country.
41
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And when he was in law school,
42
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he met a woman and they fell in love.
43
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And they were gonna get married.
44
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I remember him telling me about it.
He was home for Christmas,
45
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and I told him, I said, "My man, my man...
46
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save that bitch for late in your life."
47
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[laughter]
48
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But he's in love.
49
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He didn't listen to me.
50
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He married her while he was in law school,
51
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and sadly, they got divorced,
52
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while he was in law school.
53
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[laughter]
54
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He was a street nigga from the hood.
55
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This man had nothing...
56
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and that bitch took half of that.
57
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[laughter]
58
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And then, I just never saw him again
for years,
59
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and then, two years ago,
I was home in DC doing some shoppin',
60
00:03:04,684 --> 00:03:07,270
tryin' to buy my sons some socks
at Foot Locker.
61
00:03:07,353 --> 00:03:10,106
I go to Foot Locker.
Guess who's the manager?
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That nigga.
63
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[laughter]
64
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Dressed like a referee, the whole shit.
65
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[laughter]
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This motherfucker is 45 years old!
67
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[laughter]
68
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We went out drinking that night
just tryin' to catch up, and...
69
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,165
and he told me.
70
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He said he's been living
with his mother for, like, ten years,
71
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just trying to get back on his feet.
72
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But that's not the point of the story.
The point of the story is...
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never occurred to this nigga
to kill himself.
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[laughter]
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He's alive and well in D.C.
76
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[laughter and whistling]
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[cheering and applause]
78
00:03:50,438 --> 00:03:52,857
I even suggested to him
that he should try it out.
79
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Like, "I don't know, maybe..."
80
00:03:54,859 --> 00:03:56,152
[laughter]
81
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,660
Nobody's life is perfect.
82
00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:05,870
No matter what it looks like
from the outside,
83
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you don't know what the fuck's
going on inside.
84
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I have a great life,
85
00:04:09,958 --> 00:04:12,418
but it's not a perfect life,
but it's good. It's...
86
00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:15,630
My shit's like an above ground pool.
You ever seen one of them?
87
00:04:15,713 --> 00:04:17,006
[laughter]
88
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It's a pool.
89
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[laughter]
90
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[Dave chuckles]
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00:04:29,143 --> 00:04:32,480
So, in that spirit, tonight I thought
I'd start my show a little differently.
92
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Tonight I'm gonna do something
93
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that I'm not particularly good at
but that I like to do.
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Tonight I'm gonna try
some impressions out.
95
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[cheering]
96
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I only got two.
97
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[laughter]
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Aight, the first impression's
kind of dumb, but I like it.
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This... This is my impression, you ready?
100
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This is my impression...
101
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of the Founding Fathers of America...
102
00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:03,261
when the Constitution was being written.
103
00:05:03,970 --> 00:05:04,804
You ready?
104
00:05:05,388 --> 00:05:06,264
Here it goes.
105
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:10,476
Hurry up and finish
that Constitution, nigger.
106
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I'm trying to get some sleep.
107
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[laughter]
108
00:05:13,896 --> 00:05:14,939
[Dave chuckles]
109
00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:18,985
It's not bad, right?
110
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[laughter]
111
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All right, the next one...
112
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[laughter]
113
00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:32,040
The next one's a little harder.
114
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I want to see if you can guess who it is
I'm doing an impression of.
115
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,755
All right? Let me get into character.
You gotta guess who it is, though.
116
00:05:38,838 --> 00:05:40,590
[clears throat] Okay, here it goes.
117
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Uh, duh.
118
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Hey! Durr!
119
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If you do anything wrong in your life,
duh, and I find out about it,
120
00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:49,766
I'm gonna try to take everything
away from you,
121
00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:51,184
and I don't care when I find out.
122
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Could be today, tomorrow,
15, 20 years from now.
123
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If I find out,
you're fucking-duh-finished.
124
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[laughter]
125
00:05:58,441 --> 00:05:59,859
-[woman] Trump.
-Who... Who's that?
126
00:05:59,942 --> 00:06:00,985
-[woman] Trump
-[man] Trump.
127
00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:02,820
That's you!
128
00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:04,614
[laughter]
129
00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:08,034
That's what the audience
sounds like to me.
130
00:06:08,117 --> 00:06:09,452
[laughter]
131
00:06:12,455 --> 00:06:15,166
That's why I don't be coming out
doing comedy all the time,
132
00:06:15,249 --> 00:06:17,502
'cause y'all niggas
is the worst motherfuckers
133
00:06:17,585 --> 00:06:19,087
I've ever tried to entertain
134
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in my fucking life.
135
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[cheering and applause]
136
00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:25,593
Ugh.
137
00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:28,513
I'm goddamn sick of it.
138
00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:30,598
This is the worst time ever
to be a celebrity.
139
00:06:30,681 --> 00:06:32,892
You're gonna be finished.
Everyone's doomed.
140
00:06:32,975 --> 00:06:34,060
[laughter]
141
00:06:34,143 --> 00:06:37,021
Michael Jackson has been dead
for ten years
142
00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:39,774
and this nigga has two new cases.
143
00:06:39,857 --> 00:06:41,317
[laughter]
144
00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:49,117
And if you haven't watched
that documentary...
145
00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:51,035
uh, then I'm begging you,
146
00:06:51,619 --> 00:06:52,578
don't watch it.
147
00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:53,746
[laughter]
148
00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:55,581
It's fucking gross.
149
00:06:56,416 --> 00:07:00,294
I felt like HBO was sticking
baby dicks in my ears
150
00:07:00,378 --> 00:07:01,838
for four hours straight.
151
00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:03,423
[laughter]
152
00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:05,049
Really nasty shit.
153
00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:07,760
I don't want to know all these things.
154
00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:09,262
[laughter]
155
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:15,852
Turns out, uh, Michael Jackson allegedly
likes a long gander at the anus.
156
00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:17,562
[laughter]
157
00:07:18,729 --> 00:07:21,649
They said he stares at people's buttholes.
That's what they said.
158
00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:23,860
That's how gross the documentary was.
159
00:07:29,323 --> 00:07:30,700
[laughter]
160
00:07:34,203 --> 00:07:36,831
I'm gonna say something
that I'm not allowed to say.
161
00:07:36,914 --> 00:07:38,249
[laughter]
162
00:07:38,332 --> 00:07:40,501
But I gotta be real. Uh...
163
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:43,379
I don't believe these motherfuckers.
164
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:44,881
[laughter]
165
00:07:44,964 --> 00:07:47,592
I do not believe them.
166
00:07:47,675 --> 00:07:49,510
[cheering and applause]
167
00:07:49,594 --> 00:07:50,595
But...
168
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,347
let me qualify the statement.
169
00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:57,560
I... I am what's known on the streets
as a victim blamer.
170
00:07:57,643 --> 00:07:59,312
[laughter]
171
00:08:00,354 --> 00:08:02,940
You know what I mean? If somebody
come up to me like, "Dave, Dave,
172
00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:04,567
Chris Brown just beat up Rihanna."
173
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:06,777
I'll be like, "Well, what did she do?"
174
00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:08,404
[laughter]
175
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:09,363
[Dave chuckles]
176
00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:11,657
[whistling]
177
00:08:13,659 --> 00:08:16,621
"Dave, Michael Jackson
was molesting children."
178
00:08:16,704 --> 00:08:19,332
"Well, what were those kids
wearing at the time?"
179
00:08:19,415 --> 00:08:20,750
[laughter]
180
00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:28,049
I don't think he did it.
181
00:08:29,258 --> 00:08:31,886
But you know what? Even if he did do it...
182
00:08:33,387 --> 00:08:34,514
You know what I mean?
183
00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:36,349
[laughter]
184
00:08:39,268 --> 00:08:40,728
You know what I mean?
185
00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:42,522
Eh...
186
00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:44,774
I mean, it's Michael Jackson.
187
00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:46,317
[laughter]
188
00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:50,071
I know more than half the people
in this room
189
00:08:50,154 --> 00:08:52,323
have been molested in their lives.
190
00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:56,494
But it wasn't no goddamn Michael Jackson,
was it?
191
00:08:56,577 --> 00:08:57,828
[laughter]
192
00:08:57,912 --> 00:08:58,871
[Dave chuckles]
193
00:09:00,289 --> 00:09:02,875
This kid got his dick sucked
by the King of Pop.
194
00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:04,460
[laughter]
195
00:09:04,877 --> 00:09:08,798
All we get is awkward Thanksgivings
for the rest of our lives.
196
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:10,216
[laughter]
197
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:18,975
You know how good it must've felt to go
to school the next day after that shit?
198
00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:20,851
"Hey, Billy, how was the weekend?"
199
00:09:20,935 --> 00:09:22,395
"How was my weekend?
200
00:09:22,478 --> 00:09:23,354
[laughter]
201
00:09:24,021 --> 00:09:26,816
Michael Jackson sucked my dick!
202
00:09:26,899 --> 00:09:28,526
[laughter]
203
00:09:30,319 --> 00:09:32,405
And that was my first sexual experience.
204
00:09:32,488 --> 00:09:35,992
If I'm starting here,
then sky's the limit!"
205
00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:37,910
[laughter]
206
00:09:39,870 --> 00:09:40,913
[Dave chuckles]
207
00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:49,338
I know it seems harsh, but, man,
somebody's gotta teach these kids.
208
00:09:50,298 --> 00:09:52,633
There's no such thing
as a free trip to Hawaii.
209
00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:54,218
[laughter]
210
00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:55,177
[Dave chuckles]
211
00:09:55,886 --> 00:09:58,556
He's gonna want to look
at your butthole or something.
212
00:09:58,639 --> 00:10:00,891
-[laughter]
-[Dave chuckles]
213
00:10:07,773 --> 00:10:10,693
You know why I don't believe it?
You know why I don't believe it?
214
00:10:10,776 --> 00:10:13,404
Because if Michael Jackson's out here
doing all this molesting,
215
00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:16,407
then-- then why not Macaulay Culkin? Hmm?
216
00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:19,160
Macaulay Culkin stated in an interview
217
00:10:19,243 --> 00:10:22,830
that Michael Jackson
never did anything inappropriate with him
218
00:10:22,913 --> 00:10:24,457
or even around him.
219
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:26,167
Think about that shit.
220
00:10:28,085 --> 00:10:29,003
You know...
221
00:10:30,212 --> 00:10:31,380
I'm not a pedophile.
222
00:10:31,881 --> 00:10:33,549
[laughter]
223
00:10:35,426 --> 00:10:36,844
But if I was...
224
00:10:36,927 --> 00:10:38,304
[laughter]
225
00:10:40,222 --> 00:10:43,893
Macaulay Culkin's the first kid
I'm fucking, I'll tell you that right now.
226
00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:45,436
[laughter]
227
00:10:45,519 --> 00:10:46,604
[Dave laughs]
228
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:50,858
I'd be a goddamn hero.
229
00:10:50,941 --> 00:10:53,319
"Hey, that guy over there
fucked the kid from Home Alone.
230
00:10:53,402 --> 00:10:56,072
And you know how hard he is to catch."
231
00:10:56,155 --> 00:10:57,573
[laughter]
232
00:11:03,788 --> 00:11:04,747
[Dave chuckles]
233
00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:09,251
♪ My mind's telling me, "No" ♪
234
00:11:09,335 --> 00:11:11,462
-[laughter]
-[man 1] Oh!
235
00:11:14,757 --> 00:11:16,050
[man 2] R. Kelly!
236
00:11:16,133 --> 00:11:18,969
Well, okay. R. Kelly is different.
237
00:11:19,053 --> 00:11:20,554
[laughter]
238
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,265
I mean, you know, if I'm a bettin' man,
239
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:25,726
I'm gonna put my money on
"He probably did that shit."
240
00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:27,144
[laughter]
241
00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:31,440
[laughs] I'm pretty sure he did that shit.
242
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:32,817
[laughter]
243
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:35,277
You know, it was bad,
okay, so a couple years ago,
244
00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:37,113
I was doing a show in Detroit.
245
00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:39,073
And I'm sitting backstage
in my dressing room
246
00:11:39,156 --> 00:11:41,575
and a friend of mine comes by,
this chick, Dream Hampton.
247
00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:44,787
Dream, uh, tells me,
right before I'm going on stage,
248
00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:48,708
she goes, "Dave, I'm working
on a documentary about R. Kelly.
249
00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:50,126
"Would you like to be in it?"
250
00:11:50,209 --> 00:11:52,169
And I was like, "Nah, bitch, I'm cool."
251
00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:53,754
[laughter]
252
00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:00,428
I went onstage,
I just forgot about the shit,
253
00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:01,762
and then two years later,
254
00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:04,390
the documentary comes out,
Surviving R. Kelly.
255
00:12:04,473 --> 00:12:05,599
And when it comes out,
256
00:12:06,183 --> 00:12:08,728
Dream's promotin' shit
and she keeps bringing me up.
257
00:12:08,811 --> 00:12:11,856
She said, "I asked Dave Chappelle
to be in my documentary,
258
00:12:12,314 --> 00:12:15,401
and he said it was too hot for TV."
259
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,695
Bitch, I did not say that.
260
00:12:17,778 --> 00:12:19,029
[laughter]
261
00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:21,866
That does not even sound like how I talk.
262
00:12:21,949 --> 00:12:24,910
"Oh, that's too hot for TV."
I would never say that shit.
263
00:12:24,994 --> 00:12:26,412
[laughter]
264
00:12:32,376 --> 00:12:35,921
But I'm gonna tell you guys
why I wasn't in the documentary.
265
00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:37,548
It's a very simple reason,
266
00:12:37,631 --> 00:12:41,594
and, uh, I cannot stress
this point enough.
267
00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:44,346
The only reason that I didn't do it
268
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:46,557
was because, and this is very important...
269
00:12:48,517 --> 00:12:52,855
I don't know this nigga at all!
270
00:12:52,938 --> 00:12:54,273
[laughter]
271
00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:57,193
I don't know anything!
272
00:12:57,276 --> 00:12:59,487
I don't know anything
that they don't tell me about.
273
00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:01,864
I don't hang out with this nigga.
Nothing.
274
00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:02,782
[laughter]
275
00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:05,576
So what the fuck do I got to be
in the documentary for?
276
00:13:05,659 --> 00:13:06,952
[laughter]
277
00:13:09,246 --> 00:13:11,665
This guy, R. Kelly,
got another sex tape out now.
278
00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:15,294
Can you believe that shit?
This guy makes more sex tapes
279
00:13:15,377 --> 00:13:16,504
than he does music.
280
00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:17,630
[laughter]
281
00:13:17,713 --> 00:13:20,216
He's like the DJ Khaled of sex tapes.
282
00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:21,967
"Another one."
283
00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:23,427
Like, damn, nigga!
284
00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:24,804
[laughter]
285
00:13:26,305 --> 00:13:27,598
That's a lot of tapes.
286
00:13:27,681 --> 00:13:28,808
[laughter]
287
00:13:30,434 --> 00:13:32,937
The new one's so bad
that they didn't even show it.
288
00:13:33,020 --> 00:13:33,979
[laughter]
289
00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:35,523
I've never seen anything like this.
290
00:13:35,606 --> 00:13:39,527
The prosecutor in Chicago
came out in a press conference
291
00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:43,989
and read to the media
a transcript of a sex tape.
292
00:13:44,073 --> 00:13:48,244
Have you ever heard of such a thing?
This nigga read the sex tape.
293
00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:54,959
And it was so bad that R. Kelly
sounded guilty in the transcripts.
294
00:13:55,042 --> 00:13:56,043
[laughter]
295
00:13:56,710 --> 00:13:57,962
It's fucking amazing.
296
00:13:59,129 --> 00:14:01,590
Sixteen times
the girl's age was mentioned.
297
00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:02,633
Isn't that crazy?
298
00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:04,844
This motherfucker is an idiot.
He was fuckin' her like,
299
00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:08,848
"Yeah, this is the best 14-year-old pussy
I've ever had in my life."
300
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:10,766
She was like,
"You like this 14-year-old pussy?"
301
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:14,687
Like, "Oh, yeah, I love this." I'm like,
"Man, you need to shut the fuck up."
302
00:14:14,770 --> 00:14:15,938
[laughter]
303
00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:18,482
You gotta give your lawyer
something to work with.
304
00:14:18,566 --> 00:14:19,650
[laughter]
305
00:14:19,733 --> 00:14:22,570
You supposed to be on the tape like,
"This is the best...
306
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,739
36-year-old pussy
I've ever had in my life."
307
00:14:25,823 --> 00:14:26,949
[laughter]
308
00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:28,784
Then your lawyer can be like,
309
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,954
"Your Honor, clearly my client
thought that this woman was 36,
310
00:14:32,162 --> 00:14:34,790
as he mentioned some 16 times
in the tape."
311
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:37,501
-[laughter]
-[Dave laughs]
312
00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:41,755
They gonna know you lying, though,
you know what I mean. Everybody knows...
313
00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:44,592
no such thing as good 36-year-old pussy.
314
00:14:44,675 --> 00:14:46,385
[surprised laughter]
315
00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:51,640
[audience shouting]
316
00:14:59,857 --> 00:15:01,400
Doesn't matter what I say.
317
00:15:01,775 --> 00:15:03,694
And if you at home
watching this shit on Netflix,
318
00:15:03,777 --> 00:15:06,196
remember, bitch, you clicked on my face.
319
00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:07,781
[laughter]
320
00:15:10,242 --> 00:15:11,911
[cheering and applause]
321
00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:22,880
Celebrity hunting season.
322
00:15:23,255 --> 00:15:25,925
Doesn't matter what I say, they're going
to get everybody eventually.
323
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:28,677
Like, look, I don't think
I did anything wrong, but...
324
00:15:29,219 --> 00:15:30,137
but we'll see.
325
00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:31,680
[laughter]
326
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:37,227
They even got poor Kevin Hart.
327
00:15:37,978 --> 00:15:40,981
Can you imagine such a thing?
Kevin Hart, let me tell you something.
328
00:15:41,065 --> 00:15:45,778
It was... It was Kevin Hart's dream
to host the Oscars.
329
00:15:46,403 --> 00:15:47,571
That's what he told me.
330
00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:51,033
And I remember when he told me,
'cause I was thinking to myself,
331
00:15:51,116 --> 00:15:54,286
"Well, that's an awfully strange dream
for an African American."
332
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:55,871
[laughter]
333
00:15:57,915 --> 00:16:00,376
What kind of nigga dreams
of hosting the Oscars?
334
00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:01,293
[laughter]
335
00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:03,128
Kevin did, that's who.
336
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:04,755
And he did it.
337
00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:08,384
Against all the odds, Kevin became
the most famous comedian
338
00:16:08,467 --> 00:16:10,135
this world has ever seen,
339
00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:13,347
and he got the job that only one black man
before him had had.
340
00:16:13,430 --> 00:16:16,058
He was gonna host the 80th Oscars.
341
00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:17,768
And I don't know what you know
about Kevin,
342
00:16:17,851 --> 00:16:21,230
but I know
Kevin Hart is damn near perfect.
343
00:16:21,313 --> 00:16:24,316
As close to perfect
as anybody I've ever seen.
344
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:25,401
In fact,
345
00:16:25,693 --> 00:16:31,323
Kevin is precisely four tweets shy
of being perfect.
346
00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:32,616
[laughter]
347
00:16:36,036 --> 00:16:37,162
Ten years ago,
348
00:16:37,246 --> 00:16:40,791
Kevin had made
some very homophobic comments.
349
00:16:41,166 --> 00:16:43,877
And I'm not gonna repeat what he said...
350
00:16:45,295 --> 00:16:46,505
because this is Atlanta.
351
00:16:46,922 --> 00:16:48,424
[laughter]
352
00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:51,135
[cheering and applause]
353
00:16:55,222 --> 00:16:56,807
You know what I mean.
354
00:16:57,933 --> 00:17:01,186
I'm sure there's a lot of gay men
here tonight...
355
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:02,646
with their wives.
356
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:05,107
[laughter and applause]
357
00:17:14,241 --> 00:17:16,618
Far be it from me to offend anybody.
358
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,162
[laughter]
359
00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:20,706
All right, I'll tell you what he said.
360
00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:22,374
[laughter]
361
00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:24,960
But just remember, these are not my words.
362
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,920
These were Kevin's words.
363
00:17:27,504 --> 00:17:28,922
And it was a long time ago.
364
00:17:29,006 --> 00:17:32,676
And I'm paraphrasing, 'cause I'm not good
at telling other people's jokes.
365
00:17:33,218 --> 00:17:34,470
Okay, Kevin said...
366
00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:36,180
[laughter]
367
00:17:37,681 --> 00:17:41,560
that if his little son was demonstrating
or-or-or exhibiting,
368
00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:44,938
uh, homosexual behavior around the house,
that he'd chastise him.
369
00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:46,440
He'd say, "Hey, that's gay."
370
00:17:46,523 --> 00:17:49,359
And then he said
he would smash a dollhouse
371
00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:50,986
over that child's head.
372
00:17:53,113 --> 00:17:55,824
Ooh, the gay community was furious.
373
00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:57,826
And I don't blame 'em.
374
00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:00,704
I got a lot of gay friends.
375
00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:03,165
And all of them, 100% of them,
376
00:18:03,248 --> 00:18:07,211
all have told me fuckin' horror stories
about the shit they had to go through
377
00:18:07,294 --> 00:18:08,504
just to be themselves.
378
00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:10,214
Crazy, crazy stories.
379
00:18:10,297 --> 00:18:12,049
And in all those stories, I gotta say,
380
00:18:12,132 --> 00:18:14,635
not one of them
has ever mentioned anything like...
381
00:18:15,427 --> 00:18:21,475
their father smashing a fucking dollhouse
over their head.
382
00:18:23,018 --> 00:18:25,145
'Cause, clearly, Kevin was joking.
383
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:28,273
Think about it. You would have to buy
this nigga a dollhouse
384
00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:30,109
to break it over his head
in the first place.
385
00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:32,820
Does that sound right?
Is anybody gonna do that?
386
00:18:37,324 --> 00:18:40,369
The gay community was upset,
and then they put so much pressure
387
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,412
on the Academy
of Motion Pictures and Sciences
388
00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:46,375
that they went to Kevin and said,
"If you don't apologize to that community,
389
00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:48,585
then you cannot host these Oscars."
390
00:18:48,669 --> 00:18:51,964
And then Kevin said, "Fuck it, I quit."
391
00:18:52,714 --> 00:18:55,050
[cheering and applause]
392
00:19:00,389 --> 00:19:04,143
And then he went on every talk show
in America and apologized for six weeks.
393
00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:06,061
-[laughter]
-[Dave chuckles]
394
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,484
Kevin fucked up.
395
00:19:12,860 --> 00:19:14,194
[laughter]
396
00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:15,737
I understand the mistake he made
397
00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:18,031
because I've made the same mistake
early in my career.
398
00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:19,825
This is many years ago, 15 years ago.
399
00:19:19,908 --> 00:19:22,077
It was when I was doing Chappelle's Show.
There's a--
400
00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:23,537
Thank you. Thank you.
401
00:19:23,620 --> 00:19:25,164
[cheering and applause]
402
00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:27,666
[whistling]
403
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:30,878
On network television,
404
00:19:30,961 --> 00:19:34,298
they have a department
that's called Standards and Practices.
405
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:39,011
This is the department that tells you
what you can and cannot say on television.
406
00:19:39,094 --> 00:19:42,181
And if you're doing your job well,
you should never hear from 'em.
407
00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:43,891
But if you're making Chappelle's Show,
408
00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:47,561
you'll hear from these motherfuckers
all the time.
409
00:19:47,644 --> 00:19:48,812
[laughter]
410
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,274
And remember, this was 15 years ago.
411
00:19:52,357 --> 00:19:54,985
I made a mistake. I didn't even know
I'd done anything wrong.
412
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:57,112
I had written a sketch...
413
00:19:57,738 --> 00:19:59,323
that had the word...
414
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,242
"faggot "in it.
415
00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:03,577
[laughter]
416
00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:14,463
So I had to go to Standards and Practices.
They call me up.
417
00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:17,674
I don't know why they're calling me, but
I like the lady that runs the department.
418
00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:19,134
She's usually really fair
419
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,511
and was one of my favorite people
I've ever worked with.
420
00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:23,972
So she sits me down.
We have a nice conversation.
421
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:25,849
She tells me,
"Oh, the sketches are great."
422
00:20:25,933 --> 00:20:28,435
I go, "Oh, fantastic.
Well, then... well, then, why am I here?"
423
00:20:28,894 --> 00:20:30,479
She said, "Because, David,
424
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:32,022
there's no way...
425
00:20:32,731 --> 00:20:34,441
that you can ever say the word...
426
00:20:35,359 --> 00:20:39,363
"faggot" on our network.
427
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:42,574
I didn't know I did anything wrong.
I didn't try to defend myself.
428
00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:45,327
I said, "All right. Fuck it,
I'll take it out. Have a good afternoon."
429
00:20:45,410 --> 00:20:47,120
And as I was leaving, it occurred to me.
430
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,248
"Hey. Hey, Renée, quick question.
431
00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:51,375
[laughter]
432
00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:53,210
It's just a question.
Seriously, I wanna know.
433
00:20:53,293 --> 00:20:55,170
Like, wh-why is it... why is it
434
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:59,800
that... that I can say the word "nigger"
with impunity...
435
00:21:01,218 --> 00:21:02,844
[applause]
436
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,264
[cheering and applause]
437
00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:12,813
...but I can't say the word "faggot"?"
438
00:21:12,896 --> 00:21:14,314
[laughter]
439
00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:17,317
And she said, "Because, David,
440
00:21:17,609 --> 00:21:20,237
you are not gay."
441
00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:23,532
I said, "Well, Renée...
442
00:21:23,907 --> 00:21:25,367
[laughter]
443
00:21:26,827 --> 00:21:28,203
I'm not a nigger either."
444
00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:29,413
[laughter]
445
00:21:29,496 --> 00:21:31,081
[cheering and applause]
446
00:21:45,095 --> 00:21:47,597
But, you see,
what I didn't realize at the time
447
00:21:47,681 --> 00:21:49,516
and what Kevin had to learn the hard way
448
00:21:49,599 --> 00:21:54,146
is we were breaking an unwritten
and unspoken rule of show business.
449
00:21:54,521 --> 00:21:57,149
And if I say it, you'll know
that I'm telling you the truth.
450
00:21:57,232 --> 00:22:00,986
The rule is that no matter what you do
in your artistic expression,
451
00:22:01,069 --> 00:22:06,366
you are never, ever, allowed to upset...
452
00:22:07,617 --> 00:22:08,827
the alphabet people.
453
00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:10,787
[laughter]
454
00:22:10,871 --> 00:22:12,539
[whistling]
455
00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:14,541
You know who I mean.
456
00:22:14,624 --> 00:22:16,209
[laughter]
457
00:22:16,293 --> 00:22:19,379
Those people that took
20% of the alphabet for themselves.
458
00:22:19,463 --> 00:22:20,922
[laughter]
459
00:22:23,675 --> 00:22:26,928
I'd say the letters,
but I don't want to conjure their anger.
460
00:22:27,012 --> 00:22:28,055
[laughter]
461
00:22:28,138 --> 00:22:29,306
Ah, it's too late now.
462
00:22:29,389 --> 00:22:33,185
I'm talking about them L's
and them B's and them G's
463
00:22:33,268 --> 00:22:35,687
and the T's.
464
00:22:35,771 --> 00:22:36,813
[whistling]
465
00:22:37,522 --> 00:22:40,275
People would be surprised.
I have friends of all kinds of letters.
466
00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:42,361
Everybody loves me and I love everybody.
467
00:22:42,444 --> 00:22:45,113
I got friends who are L's.
I got friends who are B's.
468
00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:47,115
And I got friends who are G's.
469
00:22:47,324 --> 00:22:51,370
But the T's hate my fuckin' guts.
470
00:22:51,453 --> 00:22:52,829
[laughter]
471
00:22:53,205 --> 00:22:54,998
[Dave chuckles]
472
00:22:56,708 --> 00:22:57,834
And I don't blame 'em.
473
00:22:57,918 --> 00:22:59,628
It's not their fault. It's mine.
474
00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:03,256
I can't stop telling jokes
about these niggas.
475
00:23:03,340 --> 00:23:04,549
[laughter]
476
00:23:04,633 --> 00:23:07,844
I don't want to write these jokes,
but I just can't stop!
477
00:23:08,261 --> 00:23:09,596
[laughter]
478
00:23:14,101 --> 00:23:16,436
You know, you hear all those letters
together all the time.
479
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:20,982
"LBGT, LBGT," and you think
it's just one big movement.
480
00:23:21,066 --> 00:23:21,983
It's not.
481
00:23:22,526 --> 00:23:25,529
All those letters are their own movement.
482
00:23:25,779 --> 00:23:28,240
They just travel in the same car together.
483
00:23:28,323 --> 00:23:29,950
[laughter]
484
00:23:31,201 --> 00:23:32,035
And...
485
00:23:32,702 --> 00:23:33,954
my guess is...
486
00:23:34,371 --> 00:23:36,373
[telephone ringing]
487
00:23:37,457 --> 00:23:39,793
[audience] Oh!
488
00:23:39,876 --> 00:23:41,336
[telephone ringing]
489
00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:44,381
What is this, high school? This nigga
probably got a babysitter or something.
490
00:23:44,464 --> 00:23:46,925
Go and answer your phone, nigga.
Get that shit out of here.
491
00:23:47,008 --> 00:23:49,261
I'm... I'm in the middle
of something important.
492
00:23:49,344 --> 00:23:51,054
-[laughter]
-[Dave chuckles]
493
00:23:51,513 --> 00:23:52,889
[laughter]
494
00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:56,226
Wouldn't it be funny if we made fun
of him and he's like, "Ha, ha,"
495
00:23:56,309 --> 00:23:58,979
and he went outside like, "Hello?"
"Mama's dead." "Oh, no!"
496
00:23:59,062 --> 00:23:59,896
[Dave laughs]
497
00:23:59,980 --> 00:24:01,189
[laughter]
498
00:24:02,315 --> 00:24:03,191
"Mama's dead."
499
00:24:03,275 --> 00:24:06,403
[screaming and crying]
500
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:11,575
[laughter]
501
00:24:20,208 --> 00:24:22,544
That was a weird-timed phone call,
wasn't it?
502
00:24:22,627 --> 00:24:23,712
[laughter]
503
00:24:24,087 --> 00:24:25,464
It's like his phone is gay.
504
00:24:25,547 --> 00:24:27,048
[laughter]
505
00:24:27,799 --> 00:24:29,050
[applause]
506
00:24:29,134 --> 00:24:31,094
[cheering]
507
00:24:39,644 --> 00:24:42,439
[Dave laughs]
508
00:24:42,522 --> 00:24:43,398
[laughter]
509
00:24:43,482 --> 00:24:44,733
Like I was saying...
510
00:24:45,066 --> 00:24:46,526
[laughter]
511
00:24:47,903 --> 00:24:49,196
my guess is...
512
00:24:50,363 --> 00:24:52,199
the G's are driving that car.
513
00:24:52,282 --> 00:24:53,617
[laughter]
514
00:24:54,701 --> 00:24:55,911
That makes sense to me.
515
00:24:55,994 --> 00:24:58,413
'Cause there's white men in the G's.
516
00:24:58,914 --> 00:25:02,751
And these people are trying to get around,
uh, discrimination and oppression,
517
00:25:02,834 --> 00:25:04,419
and you know how white dudes are.
518
00:25:04,503 --> 00:25:05,962
"We know these roads.
519
00:25:06,046 --> 00:25:07,464
[laughter]
520
00:25:07,964 --> 00:25:09,883
In fact, we built these roads.
521
00:25:09,966 --> 00:25:11,551
[laughter]
522
00:25:12,886 --> 00:25:15,680
"The rest of you, buckle up.
We'll get you to where you want to go."
523
00:25:15,764 --> 00:25:17,015
[laughter]
524
00:25:17,682 --> 00:25:19,559
So the G's are just driving the car.
525
00:25:21,353 --> 00:25:23,855
Of course,
next to the G's in the passenger seat...
526
00:25:24,356 --> 00:25:25,440
is the L's.
527
00:25:27,025 --> 00:25:28,527
Everybody likes the L's,
528
00:25:29,778 --> 00:25:31,112
except for the G's.
529
00:25:31,196 --> 00:25:32,781
[laughter]
530
00:25:32,864 --> 00:25:33,990
[Dave chuckles]
531
00:25:35,784 --> 00:25:36,993
I don't know what that's about.
532
00:25:37,077 --> 00:25:39,412
I just know the G's don't like them
that much.
533
00:25:40,956 --> 00:25:43,625
The G's always say, like,
little subliminal digs on 'em.
534
00:25:43,708 --> 00:25:46,127
It's unnecessary shit.
It's not mean, but you know what I mean?
535
00:25:46,211 --> 00:25:47,212
They just be like...
536
00:25:47,963 --> 00:25:49,297
"I wouldn't wear that."
537
00:25:49,381 --> 00:25:51,007
[laughter]
538
00:25:53,343 --> 00:25:56,805
And the only thing that breaks the tension
between the L's and the G's
539
00:25:56,888 --> 00:25:58,598
are the B's in the backseat.
540
00:25:58,682 --> 00:25:59,558
[woman cheers]
541
00:25:59,641 --> 00:26:01,142
That's right. There you go.
542
00:26:01,810 --> 00:26:04,187
Everybody scream out
when you hear your letter.
543
00:26:04,271 --> 00:26:05,313
[laughter]
544
00:26:05,397 --> 00:26:07,107
[Dave laughs]
545
00:26:15,949 --> 00:26:19,494
If there's one thing that the L's
and the G's agree on,
546
00:26:19,869 --> 00:26:22,914
is it's that the B's are fuckin' gross.
547
00:26:22,998 --> 00:26:24,583
[laughter]
548
00:26:25,417 --> 00:26:28,003
They seem greedy to the L's and the G's.
You know what I mean?
549
00:26:28,086 --> 00:26:30,463
'Cause they're just sittin'
in the back seat like, "Yeah, man,
550
00:26:30,547 --> 00:26:34,050
I'll fuck anybody in this car.
What's going on, man?"
551
00:26:34,134 --> 00:26:35,343
[laughter]
552
00:26:39,598 --> 00:26:40,473
[Dave chuckles]
553
00:26:42,601 --> 00:26:44,227
And sitting next to the B's,
554
00:26:44,311 --> 00:26:47,939
all the way in the backseat by themselves
looking out the window...
555
00:26:48,023 --> 00:26:49,608
[laughter]
556
00:26:50,942 --> 00:26:52,485
that's the T's.
557
00:26:52,569 --> 00:26:53,820
[laughter]
558
00:26:54,779 --> 00:26:57,741
Everybody in the car respects the T's,
559
00:26:57,824 --> 00:26:59,534
but everyone also...
560
00:26:59,993 --> 00:27:01,578
resents the T's.
561
00:27:02,078 --> 00:27:04,873
It's not the T's' fault,
but everyone in the car just feels like
562
00:27:04,956 --> 00:27:07,917
the T's are making the trip take longer.
563
00:27:08,001 --> 00:27:09,336
[laughter]
564
00:27:11,838 --> 00:27:12,881
[Dave laughs]
565
00:27:16,301 --> 00:27:18,762
Anything the T's say
gets on everybody's nerves.
566
00:27:18,845 --> 00:27:20,764
And then, the T's don't even
say anything bad.
567
00:27:20,847 --> 00:27:23,224
They just be in the back
talking to themselves. "Hm...
568
00:27:23,308 --> 00:27:24,601
"I'm hot."
569
00:27:24,684 --> 00:27:28,313
"Shut up. Shut the fuck up, okay?
570
00:27:28,688 --> 00:27:30,649
You should roll the window down, you...
571
00:27:31,358 --> 00:27:32,984
Bitch, I don't know what you..."
572
00:27:33,068 --> 00:27:34,486
[laughter]
573
00:27:35,278 --> 00:27:37,364
[gasps] "What?
574
00:27:38,406 --> 00:27:39,949
I just said I was hot.
575
00:27:40,033 --> 00:27:41,409
[laughter]
576
00:27:42,410 --> 00:27:45,830
Can you pull over at the next exit?
I need to use the restroom."
577
00:27:47,165 --> 00:27:50,460
"There is not a restroom for you
for four states, nigga!
578
00:27:50,543 --> 00:27:54,297
Will you just shut the fuck up
so we can get where we're going?"
579
00:27:54,381 --> 00:27:55,799
[laughter]
580
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:02,597
[Dave chuckles]
581
00:28:05,392 --> 00:28:07,894
And just when that car
can't get any more tense,
582
00:28:07,977 --> 00:28:11,272
the Q's are a hitchhiker
that they pick up on the road.
583
00:28:11,356 --> 00:28:14,317
Some white dude in booty shorts
just walking in the freeway.
584
00:28:14,401 --> 00:28:15,819
[laughter]
585
00:28:16,319 --> 00:28:18,571
[cheering]
586
00:28:24,077 --> 00:28:26,621
The G's see him.
"Hm, that guy might be one of us.
587
00:28:26,705 --> 00:28:28,123
[laughter]
588
00:28:28,206 --> 00:28:29,916
Hey, are you okay? You need some help?"
589
00:28:29,999 --> 00:28:32,836
And he come over there with them
booty shorts, leaning on the window.
590
00:28:33,294 --> 00:28:35,088
"Hey, what's going on, fellas?"
591
00:28:35,755 --> 00:28:36,756
Lady.
592
00:28:38,258 --> 00:28:41,010
Whatever pronoun
makes you feel comfortable in the back.
593
00:28:41,094 --> 00:28:42,721
[laughter]
594
00:28:48,017 --> 00:28:49,894
Yeah.
595
00:28:50,812 --> 00:28:52,856
I don't really know where I'm going.
596
00:28:52,939 --> 00:28:54,149
[laughter]
597
00:28:54,232 --> 00:28:57,360
I don't know if I'm gay or I'm straight
or whatever.
598
00:28:58,570 --> 00:29:00,864
All I know for sure is that, um...
599
00:29:02,741 --> 00:29:04,826
I really want to get in this car."
600
00:29:04,909 --> 00:29:06,578
[laughter]
601
00:29:12,625 --> 00:29:16,045
And they make him get in
and sit between the B's and the T's.
602
00:29:16,129 --> 00:29:17,505
[laughter]
603
00:29:18,256 --> 00:29:20,049
I feel bad for T's.
604
00:29:20,717 --> 00:29:22,469
But they're so confusing.
605
00:29:23,511 --> 00:29:24,763
And it's not all my fault.
606
00:29:24,846 --> 00:29:28,057
I-I feel like they need to take
some responsibility for my jokes.
607
00:29:28,391 --> 00:29:29,934
[laughter]
608
00:29:30,435 --> 00:29:32,896
'Cause I didn't come up with this idea
on my own,
609
00:29:33,605 --> 00:29:36,483
this idea that a person can be born
in the wrong body.
610
00:29:37,192 --> 00:29:40,278
But they have to admit
that's a fucking hilarious predicament.
611
00:29:40,361 --> 00:29:41,863
[laughter]
612
00:29:41,946 --> 00:29:43,406
It's really fucking funny.
613
00:29:44,449 --> 00:29:46,659
If it happened to me, you'd laugh.
Wouldn't you?
614
00:29:46,743 --> 00:29:47,660
[laughter]
615
00:29:47,744 --> 00:29:49,579
That wouldn't be funny
if it happened to me?
616
00:29:49,662 --> 00:29:50,955
I think it would be.
617
00:29:51,039 --> 00:29:53,082
What if... What if it did?
What if... What if I was...
618
00:29:53,166 --> 00:29:54,751
What if I was Chinese?
619
00:29:55,168 --> 00:29:57,962
But... But born in this nigga body.
That's not funny?
620
00:29:58,046 --> 00:29:59,297
[laughter]
621
00:30:02,592 --> 00:30:05,428
And for the rest of my life,
I had to go around making that face.
622
00:30:05,512 --> 00:30:08,139
[Chinese accent]
"Hey, everybody, I'm Chinese!"
623
00:30:08,223 --> 00:30:09,057
[laughter]
624
00:30:09,140 --> 00:30:12,268
And everyone gets mad.
"Stop making that face. That's offensive."
625
00:30:12,352 --> 00:30:13,728
-"What?"
-[laughter]
626
00:30:14,103 --> 00:30:17,774
"This is how I feel inside."
627
00:30:17,857 --> 00:30:18,983
[laughter]
628
00:30:19,984 --> 00:30:21,861
[cheering and applause]
629
00:30:30,370 --> 00:30:32,997
It's hard not to write these jokes.
It's hard not to think about it.
630
00:30:33,081 --> 00:30:35,875
Even when I watch sports, I'd be thinking
about it. Like, think about it.
631
00:30:35,959 --> 00:30:38,711
Okay, say... say LeBron James,
632
00:30:38,962 --> 00:30:40,755
uh, changed his gender.
633
00:30:42,090 --> 00:30:43,633
You know what I mean? Okay.
634
00:30:43,716 --> 00:30:45,885
Can he stay in the NBA,
635
00:30:46,094 --> 00:30:48,346
or, because he's a woman,
636
00:30:49,222 --> 00:30:51,683
does he have to go to the WNBA
637
00:30:51,975 --> 00:30:55,812
where he will score 840 points a game?
638
00:30:55,895 --> 00:30:57,605
[laughter and applause]
639
00:30:58,231 --> 00:30:59,065
[Dave chuckles]
640
00:31:00,233 --> 00:31:04,445
What does it actually mean to be equal?
You know what I mean?
641
00:31:05,446 --> 00:31:07,615
Like, if women are actually equal to men,
642
00:31:07,699 --> 00:31:10,326
then there would be no WNBA, would there?
643
00:31:10,952 --> 00:31:14,956
You would just be good enough
to play in the NBA with us.
644
00:31:15,999 --> 00:31:19,127
Or, here's another idea
that's going to be very controversial,
645
00:31:19,419 --> 00:31:20,420
you could...
646
00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:22,255
shut the fuck up.
647
00:31:22,338 --> 00:31:24,132
-[laughter]
-[Dave laughs]
648
00:31:29,762 --> 00:31:31,180
[Dave laughs]
649
00:31:31,556 --> 00:31:33,016
[cheering]
650
00:31:34,142 --> 00:31:37,020
I'm sorry, ladies. I just...
I got a fucking Me Too headache.
651
00:31:37,103 --> 00:31:38,605
Y'all is killing me right now.
652
00:31:38,688 --> 00:31:39,606
[laughter]
653
00:31:39,689 --> 00:31:42,233
It's really fuckin' tough
to watch what's going on.
654
00:31:42,317 --> 00:31:44,402
You know, ladies,
I said it in my last special,
655
00:31:44,485 --> 00:31:47,780
and I got in a lot of trouble for this.
I told you, you were right.
656
00:31:47,864 --> 00:31:52,243
But the way you're going about it
is not going to work.
657
00:31:52,327 --> 00:31:54,078
But I'm biased. I said it.
658
00:31:54,162 --> 00:31:56,539
Louis C.K. was a very good friend of mine
659
00:31:56,915 --> 00:31:59,959
before he died
in that terrible masturbation accident.
660
00:32:00,043 --> 00:32:01,377
[laughter]
661
00:32:03,504 --> 00:32:04,505
[applause]
662
00:32:04,923 --> 00:32:08,468
And it was his room. You read the story.
He was masturbating in his own room.
663
00:32:08,551 --> 00:32:10,136
That's where you supposed to masturbate.
664
00:32:10,219 --> 00:32:12,472
Then he said, "Hey, everybody,
I'm gonna pull my dick out."
665
00:32:12,555 --> 00:32:14,349
Nobody ran for the door
or nothing like that.
666
00:32:14,432 --> 00:32:17,685
They all just kind of hung out, like,
"I wonder if this guy is serious."
667
00:32:17,769 --> 00:32:19,020
[laughter]
668
00:32:20,021 --> 00:32:21,981
And he came on his own stomach.
669
00:32:22,065 --> 00:32:23,107
There it is.
670
00:32:24,150 --> 00:32:25,652
What is the threat?
671
00:32:27,403 --> 00:32:30,531
Have any women ever seen a guy
that just came on his own stomach?
672
00:32:30,615 --> 00:32:33,868
This is the least threatening motherfucker
the Earth has ever seen.
673
00:32:33,952 --> 00:32:35,036
[laughter]
674
00:32:35,453 --> 00:32:37,580
All you see is shame in their face and...
675
00:32:38,456 --> 00:32:40,875
cum dripping down like pancake butter.
676
00:32:40,959 --> 00:32:42,293
[laughter]
677
00:32:51,135 --> 00:32:54,430
He didn't do anything that you can
call the police for. I dare you to try.
678
00:32:54,764 --> 00:32:56,766
Call the police on him.
"Hello? Police, yes.
679
00:32:56,849 --> 00:33:00,395
I am... I am on the other line
with comedian Louis C.K.,
680
00:33:00,478 --> 00:33:06,484
and I think that he is masturbating
while I'm on the phone."
681
00:33:07,402 --> 00:33:09,487
You know what the police are gonna say
in Atlanta?
682
00:33:09,988 --> 00:33:12,115
"Well, what are you guys talking about?
683
00:33:12,198 --> 00:33:13,491
[laughter]
684
00:33:14,492 --> 00:33:16,411
Mm-hm. Mm-hmm."
685
00:33:16,494 --> 00:33:17,870
[laughter]
686
00:33:18,371 --> 00:33:19,330
[Dave chuckles]
687
00:33:23,793 --> 00:33:27,171
They ruined this nigga's life, and now
he's coming back playing comedy clubs,
688
00:33:27,255 --> 00:33:30,717
and they acting like if he's able
to do that, that's gonna hurt women.
689
00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:32,385
What the fuck is your agenda, ladies?
690
00:33:32,802 --> 00:33:34,178
Is-- Is sexism dead?
691
00:33:34,262 --> 00:33:36,305
No, in fact, the opposite happened.
692
00:33:36,389 --> 00:33:38,975
I said it was gonna get worse,
and they said I was tone deaf.
693
00:33:39,058 --> 00:33:42,603
But eight states, including your state,
694
00:33:43,146 --> 00:33:48,317
have passed the most stringent
anti-abortion laws
695
00:33:48,401 --> 00:33:51,279
this nation has seen since Roe v. Wade.
696
00:33:52,155 --> 00:33:53,322
[booing]
697
00:33:53,406 --> 00:33:54,365
I...
698
00:33:54,449 --> 00:33:56,659
I told you. I told you.
699
00:33:57,326 --> 00:34:01,122
I'll be real with you, and I know nobody
gives a fuck what I think anyway.
700
00:34:01,205 --> 00:34:02,623
-Uh...
-[laughter]
701
00:34:02,707 --> 00:34:04,250
I'm not for abortion.
702
00:34:05,043 --> 00:34:06,961
-[man cheers]
-Oh, shut up, nigga.
703
00:34:07,670 --> 00:34:09,505
-[laughter]
-[Dave chuckles]
704
00:34:10,882 --> 00:34:12,967
[cheering]
705
00:34:13,384 --> 00:34:15,470
[Dave chuckles]
706
00:34:16,637 --> 00:34:19,932
I'm not for it,
but I'm not against it either.
707
00:34:20,141 --> 00:34:22,143
[cheering]
708
00:34:23,311 --> 00:34:25,271
It all depends...
709
00:34:25,855 --> 00:34:27,190
on who I get pregnant.
710
00:34:27,273 --> 00:34:28,775
[laughter]
711
00:34:28,858 --> 00:34:30,193
[applause]
712
00:34:30,276 --> 00:34:31,903
[whistling]
713
00:34:34,739 --> 00:34:36,240
I don't care-- I'll tell you right now.
714
00:34:36,324 --> 00:34:38,826
I don't care what your religious beliefs
are or anything.
715
00:34:38,910 --> 00:34:43,247
If you have a dick, you need
to shut the fuck up on this one.
716
00:34:43,331 --> 00:34:44,499
Seriously.
717
00:34:44,582 --> 00:34:46,042
[cheering and applause]
718
00:34:49,921 --> 00:34:51,255
This is theirs.
719
00:34:52,507 --> 00:34:55,635
The right to choose
is their unequivocal right.
720
00:34:55,718 --> 00:34:57,845
Not only do I believe
they have the right to choose,
721
00:34:57,929 --> 00:35:00,807
I believe that they shouldn't
have to consult anybody,
722
00:35:01,140 --> 00:35:03,810
-except for a physician...
-[cheering]
723
00:35:03,893 --> 00:35:06,979
...about how they exercise that right.
724
00:35:07,355 --> 00:35:09,190
Gentleman, that is fair.
725
00:35:10,066 --> 00:35:12,443
And ladies, to be fair to us,
726
00:35:13,444 --> 00:35:16,948
I also believe
if you decide to have the baby,
727
00:35:18,032 --> 00:35:19,700
a man should not have to pay.
728
00:35:20,034 --> 00:35:21,410
[laughter]
729
00:35:21,494 --> 00:35:23,246
[whistling]
730
00:35:25,706 --> 00:35:26,624
That's fair.
731
00:35:27,250 --> 00:35:30,461
If you can kill this motherfucker,
I can at least abandon 'em.
732
00:35:30,545 --> 00:35:32,130
[laughter]
733
00:35:33,548 --> 00:35:35,258
It's my money, my choice.
734
00:35:35,341 --> 00:35:36,759
[laughter]
735
00:35:40,930 --> 00:35:43,975
And if I'm wrong,
then perhaps we're wrong.
736
00:35:44,517 --> 00:35:46,644
So, figure that shit out for yourselves.
737
00:35:46,727 --> 00:35:47,812
[laughter]
738
00:35:50,648 --> 00:35:52,191
[Dave laughs]
739
00:35:52,275 --> 00:35:54,277
[cheering]
740
00:35:56,279 --> 00:35:58,614
I mean, really, uh,
what the fuck are we doing?
741
00:35:59,448 --> 00:36:02,076
I can't live in this new world
you're proposing.
742
00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:04,537
And meanwhile, while we're worrying
about this other shit,
743
00:36:04,620 --> 00:36:05,621
look at what's happening.
744
00:36:05,705 --> 00:36:09,083
They just killed another 12 people
in a mass shooting in Virginia Beach.
745
00:36:09,167 --> 00:36:10,668
This shit's happening every week.
746
00:36:10,751 --> 00:36:13,462
It happens so much, I'm almost--
I don't care anymore.
747
00:36:14,547 --> 00:36:16,257
I came home early from the road.
748
00:36:17,675 --> 00:36:20,720
I had a $12,000 suit on,
'cause life's been going good.
749
00:36:21,137 --> 00:36:22,763
[laughter]
750
00:36:23,431 --> 00:36:26,017
And I got home early,
and dinner was cookin'.
751
00:36:26,100 --> 00:36:28,811
You ever come home when dinner's cookin'?
Doesn't that smell good?
752
00:36:28,895 --> 00:36:32,648
And my son saw me, and he was like,
"Dad's home."
753
00:36:32,732 --> 00:36:35,234
And he got up from the table
and ran over to give me a hug,
754
00:36:35,318 --> 00:36:37,486
but he had chicken grease
all over his face,
755
00:36:37,570 --> 00:36:40,406
so I stiffed on him,
like, "Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, my man, my man.
756
00:36:40,489 --> 00:36:41,324
[laughter]
757
00:36:41,407 --> 00:36:43,576
Watch these threads, son.
This is an expensive suit.
758
00:36:43,659 --> 00:36:46,287
I don't want you
to get that chicken grease all over me."
759
00:36:46,370 --> 00:36:47,997
A-And he was like,
"What the f...
760
00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:49,248
Chicken grease?
761
00:36:50,208 --> 00:36:51,626
Dad, this is duck."
762
00:36:52,084 --> 00:36:53,336
[laughter]
763
00:36:56,380 --> 00:36:57,215
Hmm.
764
00:36:57,506 --> 00:36:59,383
A tear came out of my eyes.
765
00:36:59,467 --> 00:37:00,384
[laughter]
766
00:37:00,468 --> 00:37:02,303
I never dreamt I'd do so well in life
767
00:37:02,386 --> 00:37:06,098
that I'd raise a nigga
with duck grease all over his face.
768
00:37:06,182 --> 00:37:07,850
[laughter and applause]
769
00:37:09,143 --> 00:37:11,312
[cheering]
770
00:37:15,524 --> 00:37:17,735
And we sat down,
we just talked about everything.
771
00:37:17,818 --> 00:37:20,363
I was telling my wife
about how my shows were going,
772
00:37:20,446 --> 00:37:23,407
and I told her my trans jokes,
and she was like, "Oh, I hate that joke."
773
00:37:23,491 --> 00:37:26,244
And you know why she hates the joke?
'Cause she's Asian.
774
00:37:27,995 --> 00:37:31,040
But you know what I mean?
I don't make that face at the house,
775
00:37:31,123 --> 00:37:33,000
u-unless we're really fightin'.
776
00:37:33,084 --> 00:37:34,502
[laughter]
777
00:37:39,006 --> 00:37:40,675
[Dave laughs]
778
00:37:41,676 --> 00:37:44,011
And me and her, we weren't arguing,
but you know what I mean?
779
00:37:44,095 --> 00:37:47,265
She's like, "You need to stop doing that."
And then, I tried to change the subject.
780
00:37:47,348 --> 00:37:48,766
"Oh, how is school going, boys?"
781
00:37:48,849 --> 00:37:52,103
And my son's telling me, "Well,
we didn't have school today, technically."
782
00:37:52,186 --> 00:37:53,604
I'm like, "What... What's going on?"
783
00:37:53,688 --> 00:37:56,440
He said, "Well there was, like,
a school shooting drill."
784
00:37:56,524 --> 00:37:58,734
I never heard of this.
You know what this is?
785
00:37:58,818 --> 00:38:01,654
They have drills that they make kids do,
786
00:38:01,737 --> 00:38:03,406
uh, where they practice what to do
787
00:38:03,489 --> 00:38:05,116
if somebody comes
to shoot up their school.
788
00:38:05,199 --> 00:38:07,493
I'd never heard of that before.
I was like, "What the fuck?"
789
00:38:08,411 --> 00:38:11,080
I had to tell my sons the truth.
I didn't want to tell them this shit.
790
00:38:11,163 --> 00:38:12,039
"Son...
791
00:38:13,040 --> 00:38:14,500
Son, listen to me.
792
00:38:15,668 --> 00:38:16,794
Fuck that drill.
793
00:38:16,877 --> 00:38:18,671
[laughter]
794
00:38:18,754 --> 00:38:21,465
If somebody comes to your school
and wants to shoot it up,
795
00:38:21,549 --> 00:38:23,259
I'm just gonna be honest with you.
796
00:38:25,177 --> 00:38:27,930
You probably gonna get shot, nigga.
I'm just being real.
797
00:38:28,014 --> 00:38:29,265
[laughter]
798
00:38:29,807 --> 00:38:32,226
You got a famous dad.
I talk a lot of shit.
799
00:38:32,476 --> 00:38:34,895
They gonna be gunning for you,
little buddy.
800
00:38:34,979 --> 00:38:36,355
[laughter]
801
00:38:37,023 --> 00:38:39,859
Just stay low and run in a zigzag pattern,
802
00:38:39,942 --> 00:38:43,863
and don't try to save anybody, son.
Do you understand me?"
803
00:38:44,363 --> 00:38:45,823
[laughter]
804
00:38:49,660 --> 00:38:53,164
Why would you have kids rehearse
for some shit they have no control over?
805
00:38:53,247 --> 00:38:55,374
All you're doing is training these kids
to worry.
806
00:38:55,458 --> 00:38:57,126
It's the stupidest drill
I've ever heard of.
807
00:38:57,209 --> 00:39:00,546
And while you're in there training 'em
during these drills,
808
00:39:02,214 --> 00:39:04,216
well, aren't you
training the shooter, too?
809
00:39:04,300 --> 00:39:07,345
This nigga's in here listening
and learning like the other kids.
810
00:39:07,428 --> 00:39:08,596
Sittin' in the back...
811
00:39:09,180 --> 00:39:10,556
[laughter]
812
00:39:10,639 --> 00:39:12,516
"So, where are we supposed to meet?
813
00:39:12,600 --> 00:39:14,185
[laughter]
814
00:39:14,268 --> 00:39:15,144
Okay."
815
00:39:15,811 --> 00:39:16,896
All right.
816
00:39:17,438 --> 00:39:19,148
[laughter]
817
00:39:24,487 --> 00:39:27,323
If you're a parent,
this shit is terrifying.
818
00:39:27,615 --> 00:39:28,699
This shit is real scary.
819
00:39:28,783 --> 00:39:31,327
All the parents
is looking at each other crazy,
820
00:39:31,911 --> 00:39:35,373
because we know, as parents,
that one of us
821
00:39:35,456 --> 00:39:36,999
is raising the shooter.
822
00:39:37,083 --> 00:39:38,709
[laughter]
823
00:39:40,127 --> 00:39:42,463
We just don't know which one of us it is.
824
00:39:42,546 --> 00:39:43,964
[laughter]
825
00:39:44,048 --> 00:39:45,800
All we know for sure...
826
00:39:47,093 --> 00:39:50,179
is that if you're a white parent,
the chances that it's you...
827
00:39:50,262 --> 00:39:51,222
[laughter]
828
00:39:51,305 --> 00:39:52,473
[applause]
829
00:39:53,891 --> 00:39:56,936
...it's exponentially higher
than the rest of us.
830
00:39:57,019 --> 00:39:58,437
[laughter]
831
00:39:59,021 --> 00:40:01,899
Shooting up school is a white kids' game.
832
00:40:01,982 --> 00:40:03,609
[laughter]
833
00:40:04,985 --> 00:40:07,196
It's fuckin' crazy.
You know, I hated school, too.
834
00:40:07,279 --> 00:40:08,697
It never occurred to me...
835
00:40:09,824 --> 00:40:12,118
kill everybody in school?
836
00:40:12,201 --> 00:40:13,411
[laughter]
837
00:40:13,494 --> 00:40:14,870
It's fuckin' crazy.
838
00:40:14,954 --> 00:40:16,205
[laughter]
839
00:40:16,288 --> 00:40:18,416
Just do what I did, nigga.
Try some things.
840
00:40:18,499 --> 00:40:20,709
"Have you skipped school, nigga?
Skip school!
841
00:40:20,793 --> 00:40:22,253
[laughter]
842
00:40:22,336 --> 00:40:25,297
Take a walk and meet some other kids.
Fuck school, nigga.
843
00:40:25,381 --> 00:40:26,340
[laughter]
844
00:40:26,799 --> 00:40:29,677
Try drugs. Have you tried drugs out?
Nigga, that might..."
845
00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:30,928
[laughter]
846
00:40:33,764 --> 00:40:35,391
[Dave laughs]
847
00:40:37,184 --> 00:40:38,436
Some scary shit.
848
00:40:39,895 --> 00:40:41,522
I've given this a lot of thought.
849
00:40:41,605 --> 00:40:43,816
I don't see any peaceful way
850
00:40:44,316 --> 00:40:46,318
to disarm America's whites.
851
00:40:46,402 --> 00:40:48,112
[laughter]
852
00:40:51,991 --> 00:40:53,492
[applause]
853
00:40:53,576 --> 00:40:55,161
[cheering]
854
00:41:00,583 --> 00:41:03,794
There's only one thing that's going
to save this country from itself.
855
00:41:04,128 --> 00:41:06,839
Same thing that always saves
this country from itself,
856
00:41:07,339 --> 00:41:09,175
and that is African Americans.
857
00:41:09,508 --> 00:41:11,343
[cheering and applause]
858
00:41:12,303 --> 00:41:13,137
Right.
859
00:41:14,763 --> 00:41:18,017
And I know the question
that a lot of y'all have in your minds is,
860
00:41:18,476 --> 00:41:19,518
"Should we do it?"
861
00:41:19,602 --> 00:41:21,020
[laughter]
862
00:41:22,730 --> 00:41:24,231
Yeah. Fuck yeah, we should do it.
863
00:41:24,315 --> 00:41:27,776
Listen, no matter what they say
or how they make you feel,
864
00:41:27,860 --> 00:41:31,989
remember, this is your country, too.
865
00:41:32,615 --> 00:41:35,451
-It is incumbent upon us...
-[cheering and applause]
866
00:41:36,035 --> 00:41:38,537
to save our country.
867
00:41:39,413 --> 00:41:41,332
And you know what we have to do.
868
00:41:41,415 --> 00:41:44,043
This is a fuckin' election year.
We gotta be serious.
869
00:41:44,126 --> 00:41:46,879
Every able-bodied African American
870
00:41:46,962 --> 00:41:48,881
must register
871
00:41:48,964 --> 00:41:51,008
for a legal firearm.
872
00:41:51,091 --> 00:41:52,051
[laughter]
873
00:41:52,134 --> 00:41:53,719
[cheering and applause]
874
00:41:58,933 --> 00:42:00,351
[whistling]
875
00:42:03,729 --> 00:42:05,981
That's the only way
they'll change the law.
876
00:42:06,065 --> 00:42:07,983
-[laughter]
-[Dave laughs]
877
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:11,362
[cheering and applause]
878
00:42:16,325 --> 00:42:18,077
I hate guns, personally.
879
00:42:19,119 --> 00:42:20,287
I can't stand 'em.
880
00:42:21,580 --> 00:42:23,040
Yeah, but I have several.
881
00:42:23,123 --> 00:42:24,792
[laughter]
882
00:42:26,460 --> 00:42:28,337
I don't want 'em,
but I feel like I need 'em.
883
00:42:28,420 --> 00:42:31,048
Don't forget where I live. I live in Ohio.
884
00:42:31,131 --> 00:42:35,302
And anyone that knows anything about Ohio
knows that even the word "Ohio"
885
00:42:35,386 --> 00:42:38,430
is an old Native American word.
886
00:42:38,681 --> 00:42:40,599
It means, literally,
887
00:42:41,100 --> 00:42:43,894
uh, "land of poor white people."
888
00:42:43,978 --> 00:42:45,980
[laughter]
889
00:42:49,984 --> 00:42:51,902
And I don't know
what's going on down here,
890
00:42:51,986 --> 00:42:53,988
but in my experience, uh,
891
00:42:54,071 --> 00:42:55,864
poor white people love,
892
00:42:56,240 --> 00:42:59,159
and, I mean, they fucking love...
893
00:42:59,743 --> 00:43:00,744
heroin.
894
00:43:00,828 --> 00:43:02,329
[laughter]
895
00:43:03,789 --> 00:43:05,624
They can't seem to get enough of it.
896
00:43:06,166 --> 00:43:08,711
I didn't know what I was looking at
at first. I was driving, like,
897
00:43:08,794 --> 00:43:11,380
"Why are all these white people
so sleepy out here?"
898
00:43:11,463 --> 00:43:12,756
[laughter]
899
00:43:17,011 --> 00:43:18,429
It's really bad.
900
00:43:19,221 --> 00:43:21,265
Matter of fact,
I was coming out of the nightclub
901
00:43:21,348 --> 00:43:24,351
the other night in Dayton,
and I had parked my car in the alley,
902
00:43:24,435 --> 00:43:26,729
and no one was out.
I didn't have no bodyguards or nothing.
903
00:43:26,812 --> 00:43:28,439
I was home. I figured everything was fine.
904
00:43:28,522 --> 00:43:30,774
And as soon as I open my car door,
905
00:43:31,066 --> 00:43:32,026
all by myself,
906
00:43:32,109 --> 00:43:33,027
suddenly,
907
00:43:33,110 --> 00:43:36,530
uh, one of these heroin-addicted whites
just pops out of a trash can.
908
00:43:36,614 --> 00:43:38,240
It scared the shit out of me. I screamed.
909
00:43:38,324 --> 00:43:39,742
"Aah!"
910
00:43:39,825 --> 00:43:41,076
[laughter]
911
00:43:44,079 --> 00:43:46,373
And then, I realized it was a woman.
She was fucked up.
912
00:43:46,457 --> 00:43:47,916
She was like... [coughing]
913
00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:49,335
"Hey, man.
914
00:43:49,668 --> 00:43:51,587
Hey, man. Relax, okay?
915
00:43:51,670 --> 00:43:52,588
[coughs, sniffs]
916
00:43:52,671 --> 00:43:54,006
I'm sick, all right?
917
00:43:54,089 --> 00:43:56,508
I need some drugs, man.
918
00:43:56,592 --> 00:44:01,805
Please? I'll suck your dick
for five dollars, man."
919
00:44:01,889 --> 00:44:03,265
I was like, "Ick...
920
00:44:03,349 --> 00:44:04,933
[laughter]
921
00:44:05,017 --> 00:44:05,851
Two."
922
00:44:06,185 --> 00:44:08,604
[laughter and applause]
923
00:44:09,980 --> 00:44:11,607
[Dave laughs]
924
00:44:24,119 --> 00:44:25,496
Obviously, I'm joking.
925
00:44:25,579 --> 00:44:27,164
[laughter]
926
00:44:27,247 --> 00:44:29,875
This opioid crisis is a crisis.
927
00:44:29,958 --> 00:44:32,670
I see it everyday.
It's as bad as they say.
928
00:44:33,671 --> 00:44:35,297
It's ruining lives, it's...
929
00:44:35,756 --> 00:44:37,091
destroying families.
930
00:44:37,174 --> 00:44:39,510
Sadly, you know what it reminds me of?
Seeing it?
931
00:44:40,511 --> 00:44:42,096
Reminds me of us.
932
00:44:43,055 --> 00:44:47,643
These white folks look exactly like us
during the crack epidemic.
933
00:44:48,852 --> 00:44:50,813
You know, it's really crazy to see.
934
00:44:50,896 --> 00:44:51,772
[applause]
935
00:44:51,855 --> 00:44:53,732
And all this shit
they talk about on the news
936
00:44:53,816 --> 00:44:55,567
about how divided the nation is,
937
00:44:55,651 --> 00:44:57,361
I don't believe it. I feel like, nowadays,
938
00:44:57,444 --> 00:45:00,030
we're gettin' a real good look
at each other.
939
00:45:01,740 --> 00:45:05,619
It's wild, because I even have insight
into how the white community
940
00:45:05,703 --> 00:45:10,499
must've felt watching the black community
go through the scourge of crack...
941
00:45:11,458 --> 00:45:12,960
because I don't care either.
942
00:45:13,043 --> 00:45:14,920
[laughter]
943
00:45:15,003 --> 00:45:16,880
[cheering]
944
00:45:17,464 --> 00:45:19,007
"Hang in there, Whites.
945
00:45:19,550 --> 00:45:20,884
[laughter]
946
00:45:20,968 --> 00:45:24,388
Just say no. What's so hard about that?"
947
00:45:24,471 --> 00:45:25,848
[laughter]
948
00:45:25,931 --> 00:45:27,975
[cheering and applause]
949
00:45:36,984 --> 00:45:39,695
Remember when y'all said that to us?
But it's okay.
950
00:45:39,778 --> 00:45:42,156
There's no grudges.
Now you finally got it right.
951
00:45:42,239 --> 00:45:45,534
Once it started happening to your kids,
you realize it's a health crisis.
952
00:45:45,617 --> 00:45:46,910
These people are sick.
953
00:45:46,994 --> 00:45:48,412
They are not criminals.
954
00:45:48,495 --> 00:45:50,372
They are sick.
955
00:45:50,456 --> 00:45:51,540
[whistling]
956
00:45:51,623 --> 00:45:53,125
[cheering and applause]
957
00:45:56,336 --> 00:45:57,921
Be that as it may,
958
00:45:59,339 --> 00:46:00,674
I'm armed to the teeth.
959
00:46:00,758 --> 00:46:02,593
[laughter]
960
00:46:05,220 --> 00:46:07,890
First gun I bought was a 12-gauge shotgun.
961
00:46:09,349 --> 00:46:11,894
I didn't want the gun.
Remember, though, I'd moved to a farm
962
00:46:11,977 --> 00:46:13,437
and I was sittin' on the porch,
963
00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:16,398
and I see a white dude
walking across my property,
964
00:46:16,482 --> 00:46:18,192
entitled, like he's supposed to be there.
965
00:46:18,275 --> 00:46:20,611
He had a rifle over his shoulder, too.
Ain't that a bitch?
966
00:46:21,236 --> 00:46:22,780
[laughter]
967
00:46:24,656 --> 00:46:27,910
I said, "What the fuck is this guy doing
on my property?"
968
00:46:27,993 --> 00:46:29,369
I was mad as shit,
969
00:46:29,828 --> 00:46:31,789
but I was unarmed.
970
00:46:32,539 --> 00:46:35,584
So, I ended up just waving
to this motherfucker like a bitch.
971
00:46:35,667 --> 00:46:36,627
I was just, like...
972
00:46:36,710 --> 00:46:38,462
[laughter]
973
00:46:44,676 --> 00:46:46,553
And as soon as he got far enough away,
974
00:46:46,637 --> 00:46:49,223
I ran to my car and sped to Kmart.
975
00:46:49,306 --> 00:46:51,308
[laughter]
976
00:46:51,934 --> 00:46:53,852
This is in a rural white area.
977
00:46:53,936 --> 00:46:57,064
And remember, I was nervous,
'cause the guy was on my property,
978
00:46:57,147 --> 00:46:59,191
I'm black, and I was sweating.
979
00:46:59,274 --> 00:47:01,860
You know what I mean?
And I ran to the gun counter.
980
00:47:01,944 --> 00:47:03,111
Black and sweaty,
981
00:47:03,487 --> 00:47:04,738
sweating and black,
982
00:47:04,822 --> 00:47:06,907
and I looked up and I was like... [pants]
983
00:47:06,990 --> 00:47:08,742
I looked like a slave or something.
984
00:47:08,826 --> 00:47:10,410
[laughter]
985
00:47:11,495 --> 00:47:14,081
I said, "I need a gun. Immediately."
Like that.
986
00:47:14,581 --> 00:47:15,457
Just like that.
987
00:47:16,124 --> 00:47:18,085
The guy didn't ask no questions,
he just...
988
00:47:18,168 --> 00:47:20,671
grabbed a 12-gauge shotgun,
handed it to me.
989
00:47:20,754 --> 00:47:23,423
I'd never even held a gun before.
I'm like...
990
00:47:24,383 --> 00:47:26,510
"Well, I need...
I need some bullets, too."
991
00:47:27,219 --> 00:47:30,848
And the guy reached under the counter,
put two boxes of shells on the counter.
992
00:47:30,931 --> 00:47:33,433
He said, "All right, buddy.
Which box do you want?"
993
00:47:33,892 --> 00:47:34,935
I didn't know.
994
00:47:35,769 --> 00:47:38,021
One box had a picture of some ducks on it.
995
00:47:39,314 --> 00:47:41,400
The other box had a picture of some deer.
996
00:47:42,317 --> 00:47:45,445
I said, "Well, what's that box
with them ducks?"
997
00:47:46,864 --> 00:47:49,366
He said, "Oh, that there's bird shot."
998
00:47:50,200 --> 00:47:52,953
And then he goes just like this,
I'm not exaggerating, he goes,
999
00:47:53,787 --> 00:47:55,038
"That won't kill a man."
1000
00:47:55,122 --> 00:47:56,832
[laughter]
1001
00:47:58,584 --> 00:47:59,626
[Dave laughs]
1002
00:48:03,088 --> 00:48:05,465
He said,
"It'll just pepper him up nicely."
1003
00:48:05,549 --> 00:48:07,551
I said, "What the fuck? Pepper?"
1004
00:48:07,634 --> 00:48:09,094
[laughter]
1005
00:48:11,805 --> 00:48:14,349
You know what it means
to pepper a motherfucker up?
1006
00:48:14,433 --> 00:48:17,269
It means that when the shell explodes,
1007
00:48:17,352 --> 00:48:20,647
hot BBs will shoot out
of the barrel of the gun,
1008
00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:22,065
not killing a motherfucker,
1009
00:48:22,149 --> 00:48:24,902
but penetrating their skin
and shallow flesh.
1010
00:48:24,985 --> 00:48:26,653
Boy, that's gotta hurt.
1011
00:48:26,737 --> 00:48:27,696
Hot BBs?
1012
00:48:27,779 --> 00:48:29,031
[imitates burning]
1013
00:48:29,114 --> 00:48:30,616
"Aah! Aaaah!"
1014
00:48:30,699 --> 00:48:32,117
[laughter]
1015
00:48:32,200 --> 00:48:34,953
Remember when Dick Cheney
shot a motherfucker in the face
1016
00:48:35,037 --> 00:48:36,079
and he lived?
1017
00:48:36,163 --> 00:48:37,497
That was bird shot.
1018
00:48:37,581 --> 00:48:39,374
-[laughter]
-[woman cheers]
1019
00:48:39,791 --> 00:48:42,044
I said, "Well, what's that box
with the deer on it?"
1020
00:48:42,127 --> 00:48:44,421
He goes, "Oh, that there is buckshot.
1021
00:48:44,963 --> 00:48:47,925
That'll put a hole in a goddamn truck
if you wanted to.
1022
00:48:48,008 --> 00:48:49,509
[laughter]
1023
00:48:50,302 --> 00:48:52,012
So, which box do you want?"
1024
00:48:52,095 --> 00:48:54,681
And he picked the one with the deer up
and shook it.
1025
00:48:55,015 --> 00:48:56,600
[laughter]
1026
00:49:01,271 --> 00:49:04,775
I thought he was trying to trick me.
I was like, "Do you have a box, uh,
1027
00:49:04,858 --> 00:49:08,070
with a picture of a white dude trespassing
on it? 'Cause...
1028
00:49:08,153 --> 00:49:09,529
[laughter]
1029
00:49:09,613 --> 00:49:11,990
....that's exactly
the strength I'm looking for.
1030
00:49:12,074 --> 00:49:13,450
[laughter]
1031
00:49:15,786 --> 00:49:19,581
But I didn't know that if you're defending
your home with a shotgun,
1032
00:49:19,665 --> 00:49:22,876
the formula dictates that you're supposed
to buy both boxes.
1033
00:49:22,960 --> 00:49:25,295
This was not a formula
that I was familiar with.
1034
00:49:25,379 --> 00:49:28,507
It goes like this: there's six shots
in a 12-gauge shotgun.
1035
00:49:28,590 --> 00:49:30,842
So when you load the gun,
you load it like this.
1036
00:49:30,926 --> 00:49:32,803
First shot, bird shot.
1037
00:49:32,886 --> 00:49:34,888
Next shot, buckshot.
1038
00:49:34,972 --> 00:49:38,141
Bird shot, and then after that,
gun's Jamaican.
1039
00:49:38,225 --> 00:49:39,726
Buckshot, buckshot, buckshot.
1040
00:49:39,810 --> 00:49:40,811
[laughter]
1041
00:49:40,894 --> 00:49:42,604
-[applause]
-[Dave chuckles]
1042
00:49:45,857 --> 00:49:48,902
But you gotta picture it. Okay, like,
say I'm in bed and I'm sleepin',
1043
00:49:49,695 --> 00:49:51,238
and suddenly, my wife wakes me up.
1044
00:49:51,321 --> 00:49:53,281
"David. David, wake up!"
1045
00:49:53,699 --> 00:49:55,158
And I'm like, "Uh, oh.
1046
00:49:55,575 --> 00:49:56,868
Look who's come around."
1047
00:49:56,952 --> 00:50:00,205
And I pull my dick over the top
of my pajamas.
1048
00:50:00,288 --> 00:50:01,999
[laughter]
1049
00:50:02,916 --> 00:50:04,251
[Dave laughs]
1050
00:50:07,921 --> 00:50:08,964
[Dave laughs]
1051
00:50:09,047 --> 00:50:11,800
And she's says, "No, I hear somethin'."
1052
00:50:11,883 --> 00:50:13,301
I go, "Oh, this bitch."
1053
00:50:13,385 --> 00:50:14,636
So I get up out of bed...
1054
00:50:14,720 --> 00:50:16,388
[laughter]
1055
00:50:16,471 --> 00:50:18,473
Uh, grab the gun.
1056
00:50:19,307 --> 00:50:21,101
I say, "Wait here, baby.
I'll go check it out.
1057
00:50:21,184 --> 00:50:22,561
Just lock the door behind me."
1058
00:50:22,644 --> 00:50:23,937
[panting]
1059
00:50:24,563 --> 00:50:26,273
Oh, my God, she's right.
1060
00:50:26,732 --> 00:50:30,402
Right there in the kitchen
is a heroin-addicted white and...
1061
00:50:30,485 --> 00:50:32,070
-[laughter]
-[Dave laughs]
1062
00:50:32,988 --> 00:50:35,657
he's digging through the change jar
by the door.
1063
00:50:35,741 --> 00:50:36,783
[grunting]
1064
00:50:36,867 --> 00:50:39,286
"I work really hard for that change.
I gotta do something."
1065
00:50:39,369 --> 00:50:41,163
So, first, I rack the shotgun.
1066
00:50:41,246 --> 00:50:43,123
"Hey, motherfucker!" Click-clack.
1067
00:50:43,206 --> 00:50:44,666
[laughter]
1068
00:50:44,750 --> 00:50:45,834
That's a test.
1069
00:50:46,460 --> 00:50:49,087
That click-clack sound will stop
1070
00:50:49,421 --> 00:50:52,758
a rational human being in their tracks.
1071
00:50:53,341 --> 00:50:55,677
But, sure enough,
this person is not rational.
1072
00:50:55,761 --> 00:50:58,096
They're sick on drugs.
They're digging in the change.
1073
00:50:58,180 --> 00:50:59,139
[grunting]
1074
00:50:59,222 --> 00:51:01,975
I gotta act fast.
This nigga's almost got $1.50.
1075
00:51:02,059 --> 00:51:03,727
[laughter]
1076
00:51:05,020 --> 00:51:06,146
[Dave chuckles]
1077
00:51:06,229 --> 00:51:07,564
"I warned you."
1078
00:51:07,647 --> 00:51:08,815
Bird shot!
1079
00:51:08,899 --> 00:51:10,150
And there it goes.
1080
00:51:10,233 --> 00:51:15,614
Hot BB's will permeate
his yellow heroin skin.
1081
00:51:15,697 --> 00:51:19,159
Remember, I'm not killing him,
I'm just "peppering him up nice."
1082
00:51:19,242 --> 00:51:20,952
[imitates burning]
1083
00:51:21,036 --> 00:51:23,205
He lets out a heroin scream.
1084
00:51:23,413 --> 00:51:25,415
[slowly] No!
1085
00:51:25,791 --> 00:51:27,209
[laughter]
1086
00:51:32,506 --> 00:51:34,007
And that should be the end of it.
1087
00:51:34,674 --> 00:51:35,842
But... Uh-oh.
1088
00:51:36,259 --> 00:51:37,427
I miscalculated.
1089
00:51:38,053 --> 00:51:39,429
While he's on the ground screaming,
1090
00:51:39,513 --> 00:51:42,849
I notice that his teeth
are horribly miscolored.
1091
00:51:43,725 --> 00:51:45,435
That's not heroin at all, is it?
1092
00:51:45,519 --> 00:51:46,728
That's crystal meth.
1093
00:51:46,812 --> 00:51:48,855
He pops right back up, unscathed.
1094
00:51:48,939 --> 00:51:50,190
[roars]
1095
00:51:50,273 --> 00:51:51,566
[laughter]
1096
00:51:52,109 --> 00:51:53,902
[Dave laughs]
1097
00:51:54,736 --> 00:51:55,862
Time for the heavy stuff.
1098
00:51:55,946 --> 00:51:56,905
Clack-clack.
1099
00:51:56,988 --> 00:51:58,323
Buckshot!
1100
00:51:58,406 --> 00:51:59,699
[laughter]
1101
00:52:00,826 --> 00:52:04,329
And then, if he got a friend with him,
I got one more bird shot left.
1102
00:52:04,579 --> 00:52:05,872
And I repeat the cycle.
1103
00:52:05,956 --> 00:52:08,416
After that nigga,
it's slugs for everybody.
1104
00:52:08,500 --> 00:52:09,668
[laughter]
1105
00:52:10,043 --> 00:52:12,754
And I'll be in a kitchen
full of dying heroin addicts,
1106
00:52:13,338 --> 00:52:15,423
saying stupid heroin last words.
1107
00:52:15,507 --> 00:52:17,634
[groaning and whining]
1108
00:52:17,717 --> 00:52:20,095
"You shot me, bro."
1109
00:52:20,178 --> 00:52:21,096
-[laughter]
-[chuckles]
1110
00:52:21,179 --> 00:52:24,141
"Oh, it hurts, man.
1111
00:52:24,432 --> 00:52:25,934
It hurts. Ah."
1112
00:52:26,017 --> 00:52:29,146
Their last words are always
the dumbest words, like... [grunts]
1113
00:52:29,521 --> 00:52:30,730
"Why is your dick out?"
1114
00:52:30,814 --> 00:52:31,648
[exhales]
1115
00:52:31,731 --> 00:52:33,024
[laughter]
1116
00:52:34,985 --> 00:52:36,945
[cheering and applause]
1117
00:52:38,155 --> 00:52:39,614
[whistling]
1118
00:52:45,412 --> 00:52:48,331
I'm just afraid of being attacked.
1119
00:52:49,249 --> 00:52:50,417
It happens to the best of us.
1120
00:52:50,500 --> 00:52:52,836
Don't ever forget what happened
to that French actor.
1121
00:52:54,921 --> 00:52:56,214
You know who I'm talking about.
1122
00:52:56,298 --> 00:52:59,050
[pronounces with French accent]
Jussie Smollett, he's a very French...
1123
00:52:59,134 --> 00:53:00,886
A very famous French actor.
1124
00:53:00,969 --> 00:53:02,429
[laughter]
1125
00:53:09,603 --> 00:53:11,521
Y'all never heard of Jussie Smollett?
1126
00:53:11,605 --> 00:53:13,190
[laughter]
1127
00:53:14,316 --> 00:53:17,360
Jussie Smollett is an actor from France.
1128
00:53:17,444 --> 00:53:18,904
[laughter]
1129
00:53:20,989 --> 00:53:21,907
[Dave chuckles]
1130
00:53:24,159 --> 00:53:25,076
[woman cheers]
1131
00:53:25,160 --> 00:53:29,998
A-And he became famous
on a show called Empire.
1132
00:53:30,081 --> 00:53:31,499
[laughter]
1133
00:53:33,585 --> 00:53:34,544
And one night,
1134
00:53:35,295 --> 00:53:37,214
he was in Chicago late at night,
1135
00:53:38,340 --> 00:53:39,716
and was the victim...
1136
00:53:40,425 --> 00:53:42,052
-[Dave laughs]
-[laughter]
1137
00:53:42,552 --> 00:53:44,137
[laughter and applause]
1138
00:53:49,351 --> 00:53:53,730
He was the victim of a racist
and homophobic attack.
1139
00:53:53,813 --> 00:53:56,358
You see, Jussie Smollett is...
1140
00:53:56,441 --> 00:53:57,817
[laughter]
1141
00:53:58,443 --> 00:54:00,654
gay, and he is black,
1142
00:54:00,737 --> 00:54:01,947
not just French.
1143
00:54:02,280 --> 00:54:03,782
[laughter]
1144
00:54:08,328 --> 00:54:09,913
Oh, it was a crazy story.
1145
00:54:10,789 --> 00:54:13,959
Apparently, when he's walking
down the street late at night,
1146
00:54:14,042 --> 00:54:16,169
two white men came out of the shadows,
1147
00:54:16,253 --> 00:54:17,462
uh...
1148
00:54:17,545 --> 00:54:19,547
with MAGA hats on and beat him up.
1149
00:54:20,674 --> 00:54:23,969
Tied a rope around his neck,
called him all kinds of niggas and...
1150
00:54:24,052 --> 00:54:24,886
and...
1151
00:54:25,262 --> 00:54:27,722
put some bleach on him
and ran off into the night.
1152
00:54:27,806 --> 00:54:28,974
[laughter]
1153
00:54:29,766 --> 00:54:32,769
This shit was, like, international news.
1154
00:54:33,103 --> 00:54:35,230
And everybody was furious,
1155
00:54:35,313 --> 00:54:36,690
especially in Hollywood.
1156
00:54:36,773 --> 00:54:39,442
It's all over everybody's Twitter feed
and Instagram page.
1157
00:54:39,526 --> 00:54:41,486
"Justice for Jussie" and all this shit.
1158
00:54:41,569 --> 00:54:42,946
[laughter]
1159
00:54:46,074 --> 00:54:47,450
The whole country was up in arms.
1160
00:54:47,534 --> 00:54:49,452
We was talking about it all the time
on the news,
1161
00:54:49,536 --> 00:54:51,246
and... and, for some reason,
1162
00:54:51,746 --> 00:54:55,750
uh, African Americans,
we were like oddly quiet.
1163
00:54:55,834 --> 00:54:57,711
[laughter]
1164
00:54:59,504 --> 00:55:01,464
We were so quiet about this shit
1165
00:55:02,257 --> 00:55:05,885
that the gay community started accusing
the African American community
1166
00:55:05,969 --> 00:55:08,888
of being homophobic
for not supporting him.
1167
00:55:08,972 --> 00:55:13,143
But what they didn't understand
is that we were supporting him
1168
00:55:13,226 --> 00:55:14,894
with our silence.
1169
00:55:14,978 --> 00:55:16,396
[laughter]
1170
00:55:16,479 --> 00:55:18,773
Because we understood
1171
00:55:19,149 --> 00:55:22,694
that this nigga was clearly lying.
1172
00:55:22,777 --> 00:55:23,611
[laughter]
1173
00:55:23,695 --> 00:55:25,113
[cheering and applause]
1174
00:55:30,493 --> 00:55:34,039
None of these details added up at all.
1175
00:55:34,122 --> 00:55:35,123
[laughter]
1176
00:55:35,206 --> 00:55:37,292
He said he's walking down the street
in Chicago
1177
00:55:37,375 --> 00:55:40,545
and-and, uh, white dudes
come up to him and say,
1178
00:55:40,628 --> 00:55:43,965
"Hey, man, aren't you that faggot nigger
from Empire?"
1179
00:55:44,215 --> 00:55:45,342
What the fuck?
1180
00:55:45,717 --> 00:55:48,261
Does that sound like
how white people talk?
1181
00:55:48,345 --> 00:55:49,888
[laughter]
1182
00:55:49,971 --> 00:55:52,015
I know white people.
They don't talk like that.
1183
00:55:52,098 --> 00:55:55,185
"Are you that faggot nigger from Empire?"
They would never say that.
1184
00:55:55,268 --> 00:55:57,062
It sounds like something...
1185
00:55:58,063 --> 00:55:59,314
that I would say.
1186
00:55:59,397 --> 00:56:00,774
[laughter]
1187
00:56:04,486 --> 00:56:05,403
[Dave chuckles]
1188
00:56:08,406 --> 00:56:10,325
If you're racist and homophobic,
1189
00:56:10,408 --> 00:56:13,536
you don't even know who this nigga is.
You can't watch Empire.
1190
00:56:13,620 --> 00:56:15,288
[laughter]
1191
00:56:19,459 --> 00:56:21,169
Black people never feel sorry
for the police,
1192
00:56:21,252 --> 00:56:23,129
but this time,
we even felt sorry for the police.
1193
00:56:23,213 --> 00:56:25,799
Can you imagine
if you was a police veteran
1194
00:56:25,882 --> 00:56:27,384
taking this kid's police report?
1195
00:56:27,467 --> 00:56:30,053
"Okay, Mr. Smollett.
Please, tell me what happened."
1196
00:56:30,136 --> 00:56:31,137
[laughter]
1197
00:56:31,221 --> 00:56:33,973
"All right, you... 2:00 a.m.
1198
00:56:34,307 --> 00:56:37,394
You left the house at 2:00 a.m.
It was minus 16 degrees and...
1199
00:56:37,477 --> 00:56:39,062
-[laughter]
-All right.
1200
00:56:41,106 --> 00:56:44,192
You were walking? You were walking.
All right.
1201
00:56:44,275 --> 00:56:45,944
[laughter]
1202
00:56:48,029 --> 00:56:50,031
And... and where were you going?
1203
00:56:51,074 --> 00:56:51,908
Subway?
1204
00:56:51,991 --> 00:56:52,909
[laughter]
1205
00:56:52,992 --> 00:56:54,202
Sandwiches?
1206
00:56:54,285 --> 00:56:55,745
[laughter]
1207
00:56:58,873 --> 00:57:01,501
[mumbling]
1208
00:57:04,337 --> 00:57:05,922
That's when the men approached you?
1209
00:57:06,005 --> 00:57:07,590
Did you see them? Do you have any--
1210
00:57:07,674 --> 00:57:09,134
Okay, what did they have on?
1211
00:57:09,467 --> 00:57:10,718
MAGA hats?
1212
00:57:10,802 --> 00:57:11,761
[laughter]
1213
00:57:11,845 --> 00:57:13,805
MAGA hats on in Chicago?
1214
00:57:14,639 --> 00:57:16,099
Excuse me, one second, Mr. Smollett.
1215
00:57:16,182 --> 00:57:17,684
Frank, come here for a second.
1216
00:57:17,767 --> 00:57:19,144
[laughter]
1217
00:57:21,855 --> 00:57:23,982
Find out where Kanye West was last night."
1218
00:57:24,065 --> 00:57:25,400
[laughter]
1219
00:57:26,276 --> 00:57:27,652
[cheering and applause]
1220
00:57:28,445 --> 00:57:30,113
[Dave laughs]
1221
00:57:37,454 --> 00:57:39,914
Such a fucking outrageous story.
1222
00:57:39,998 --> 00:57:43,001
He said they put a rope around his neck.
1223
00:57:43,084 --> 00:57:45,003
Has anyone here ever been to Chicago?
1224
00:57:45,086 --> 00:57:45,920
[woman] Yes!
1225
00:57:46,337 --> 00:57:48,631
All right. All right,
so you've been there.
1226
00:57:48,715 --> 00:57:52,010
Now, tell me, how much rope
do you remember seeing?
1227
00:57:52,093 --> 00:57:53,720
[laughter]
1228
00:57:53,803 --> 00:57:55,180
Who the fuck is carrying rope?
1229
00:57:55,263 --> 00:57:57,974
Like, when did you get mugged, nigga,
in 1850?
1230
00:57:58,057 --> 00:57:59,809
-Who's got rope?
-[laughter]
1231
00:57:59,893 --> 00:58:01,269
Who's got rope?
1232
00:58:01,352 --> 00:58:02,687
[laughter]
1233
00:58:06,065 --> 00:58:07,358
Man, that shit was awful.
1234
00:58:07,442 --> 00:58:08,860
So, okay.
1235
00:58:09,277 --> 00:58:12,071
I'm doing a show somewhere,
and I'm on stage,
1236
00:58:12,155 --> 00:58:14,282
and I was a little drunk, you know.
1237
00:58:14,365 --> 00:58:15,950
[laughter]
1238
00:58:16,034 --> 00:58:18,495
I figured, "Fuck, let me talk
about that nigga a little bit."
1239
00:58:18,578 --> 00:58:22,081
I figured it'd be safe, 'cause, you know,
everybody's phones are locked up...
1240
00:58:22,165 --> 00:58:23,666
[laughter]
1241
00:58:24,876 --> 00:58:27,462
And I went in on this kid.
I was talking all kinds of shit.
1242
00:58:27,545 --> 00:58:29,005
Now, I didn't know
1243
00:58:29,297 --> 00:58:32,175
that there was a journalist
in the audience.
1244
00:58:32,675 --> 00:58:34,344
And unfortunately for me,
1245
00:58:34,761 --> 00:58:35,929
that motherfucker...
1246
00:58:37,013 --> 00:58:38,973
took impeccable notes.
1247
00:58:39,057 --> 00:58:40,558
[laughter]
1248
00:58:40,642 --> 00:58:42,060
[Dave laughs]
1249
00:58:43,311 --> 00:58:45,063
He told everybody everything I said.
1250
00:58:45,146 --> 00:58:46,940
He was even puttin' the jokes
in the headline.
1251
00:58:47,023 --> 00:58:49,734
The headline said, "Dave Chappelle Says
1252
00:58:49,817 --> 00:58:53,988
He Wants To Smash A Dollhouse
Over Jussie Smollett's Head."
1253
00:58:54,072 --> 00:58:55,782
[laughter]
1254
00:59:04,082 --> 00:59:06,209
I thought for sure
when I read that headline, I said,
1255
00:59:06,292 --> 00:59:08,461
"Well, that's it for me. I'm canceled."
1256
00:59:08,545 --> 00:59:09,587
[laughter]
1257
00:59:10,630 --> 00:59:11,798
But lucky for me,
1258
00:59:11,881 --> 00:59:13,550
that very same day,
1259
00:59:13,633 --> 00:59:17,303
the Chicago police caught
the motherfuckers that actually did it,
1260
00:59:17,679 --> 00:59:22,141
and, hilariously,
they were both, uh, Nigerian.
1261
00:59:22,225 --> 00:59:23,309
[cheering]
1262
00:59:23,393 --> 00:59:26,521
Not only were they not white,
they were very, very black.
1263
00:59:26,604 --> 00:59:29,148
They were Nigerian,
which is the funniest shit.
1264
00:59:29,232 --> 00:59:31,276
The whole story is funnier now.
1265
00:59:31,359 --> 00:59:32,944
[Nigerian accent]
"This is MAGA country,
1266
00:59:33,027 --> 00:59:35,363
you faggot nigger."
1267
00:59:35,446 --> 00:59:36,948
-[laughter]
-[Dave laughs]
1268
00:59:38,491 --> 00:59:40,702
"You faggot nigger."
1269
00:59:40,785 --> 00:59:42,495
[laughter]
1270
00:59:47,125 --> 00:59:50,169
If... If you're in a group
that I made fun of,
1271
00:59:50,253 --> 00:59:53,214
then just know that I probably will only
make fun of you
1272
00:59:53,298 --> 00:59:55,008
if I see myself in you.
1273
00:59:55,091 --> 00:59:56,968
I make fun of poor white people
1274
00:59:57,051 --> 00:59:59,470
because I was once poor.
1275
01:00:00,638 --> 01:00:02,432
And I know that the only difference
1276
01:00:02,515 --> 01:00:05,476
between a poor black person
and a poor white person
1277
01:00:05,560 --> 01:00:07,145
is that a poor white person
1278
01:00:07,228 --> 01:00:10,315
feels like it's not supposed
to be happening to them.
1279
01:00:10,398 --> 01:00:12,233
[laughter]
1280
01:00:14,444 --> 01:00:15,695
[man] Yeah!
1281
01:00:16,863 --> 01:00:18,531
Everything else is the same.
1282
01:00:19,616 --> 01:00:21,534
I know what it's like
to have a cold house.
1283
01:00:21,618 --> 01:00:25,496
I wasn't allowed to touch the thermostat
growing up without asking my father,
1284
01:00:25,580 --> 01:00:27,415
and it would be fuckin' freezing
in the house.
1285
01:00:27,498 --> 01:00:30,501
I'd be like, "Dad, please.
Can I please just turn the heat up
1286
01:00:30,585 --> 01:00:33,630
to, like, I don't know, 32, nigga?
It's really cold."
1287
01:00:33,713 --> 01:00:34,964
[laughter]
1288
01:00:38,343 --> 01:00:41,429
And my dad would say,
"Just put more clothes on, David."
1289
01:00:42,263 --> 01:00:44,057
"I got all three of my outfits on, nigga.
1290
01:00:44,140 --> 01:00:46,267
Will you look at me?
I'm freezing up here."
1291
01:00:46,351 --> 01:00:47,685
[laughter]
1292
01:00:47,769 --> 01:00:50,647
And he said, "Just don't think
about how cold you are, David."
1293
01:00:50,730 --> 01:00:53,066
And I said this. I didn't say it to him,
1294
01:00:53,149 --> 01:00:55,318
but I said it in front of him
so he could hear.
1295
01:00:55,401 --> 01:00:58,154
I said, "I fuckin' hate being poor."
1296
01:00:59,197 --> 01:01:01,199
And my dad got really upset.
1297
01:01:01,449 --> 01:01:03,576
He didn't scream or howl.
That wasn't his way.
1298
01:01:03,660 --> 01:01:07,413
He just threw his newspaper on the floor,
and he said, "David, David, David.
1299
01:01:08,414 --> 01:01:10,708
You are not poor."
1300
01:01:11,501 --> 01:01:15,046
He said, "Poor is a mentality."
1301
01:01:15,129 --> 01:01:16,214
[woman cheers]
1302
01:01:16,297 --> 01:01:17,924
[cheering and applause]
1303
01:01:18,007 --> 01:01:23,346
He said, "It's a mentality
that very few people ever recover from.
1304
01:01:23,429 --> 01:01:25,098
Don't you forget it, son.
1305
01:01:25,390 --> 01:01:27,558
You are broke."
1306
01:01:27,642 --> 01:01:29,560
[laughter]
1307
01:01:34,524 --> 01:01:37,276
He said, "These are just
financial circumstances
1308
01:01:37,360 --> 01:01:40,071
that I hope to overcome
one day very soon."
1309
01:01:40,154 --> 01:01:42,615
And I said, "Well, Dad,
whatever you want to call this,
1310
01:01:42,699 --> 01:01:44,784
uh, it's wildly uncomfortable."
1311
01:01:44,867 --> 01:01:46,577
[laughter]
1312
01:01:48,705 --> 01:01:50,707
There was a big dance coming up
in the middle school.
1313
01:01:50,790 --> 01:01:53,126
I was 12 years old.
I said, "Dad, can I go to the dance?"
1314
01:01:53,209 --> 01:01:54,419
He said, "Of course you can go.
1315
01:01:54,502 --> 01:01:56,295
I want you to get out
and meet some more kids."
1316
01:01:56,379 --> 01:01:59,507
I said, "Great. Uh, it costs three dollars
to get in."
1317
01:01:59,590 --> 01:02:01,509
And my dad said, "Ooh...
1318
01:02:01,592 --> 01:02:02,844
[laughter]
1319
01:02:03,636 --> 01:02:05,388
Sorry, son, uh...
1320
01:02:06,055 --> 01:02:07,056
I don't have it."
1321
01:02:07,515 --> 01:02:12,186
I was like, "What the fuck?
You don't have three dollars?
1322
01:02:13,187 --> 01:02:15,106
Well, then, how are we alive, Dad?
1323
01:02:15,189 --> 01:02:16,774
[laughter]
1324
01:02:20,236 --> 01:02:22,613
Wish I found some way
out of this hell!
1325
01:02:23,030 --> 01:02:24,490
I'd do anything to not be poor.
1326
01:02:24,574 --> 01:02:27,869
I will show Michael Jackson my anus
if I get a chance.
1327
01:02:27,952 --> 01:02:28,953
[laughter]
1328
01:02:29,036 --> 01:02:30,872
I just gotta get out of this hell."
1329
01:02:30,955 --> 01:02:32,206
[laughter]
1330
01:02:35,251 --> 01:02:38,421
Dad said, "If you want to go to the dance
bad enough, I'll tell you what.
1331
01:02:38,504 --> 01:02:41,591
There's some money in the change jar,
get the money from there."
1332
01:02:41,674 --> 01:02:43,217
I was 12 years old. That's what I did.
1333
01:02:43,301 --> 01:02:44,677
I showed up to the dance early.
1334
01:02:44,761 --> 01:02:46,721
There's a long line of kids
waiting behind me
1335
01:02:46,804 --> 01:02:50,308
while I'm at the door, trying to count out
300 pennies to get inside.
1336
01:02:50,683 --> 01:02:54,479
I will never forget this shit
as long as I fuckin' live.
1337
01:02:54,562 --> 01:02:57,398
Oh, man, you know. If you've been poor,
you know what that feels like.
1338
01:02:57,482 --> 01:02:58,775
You ashamed all the time.
1339
01:02:58,858 --> 01:03:00,151
Feels like it's your fault.
1340
01:03:00,234 --> 01:03:02,403
And all them kids was laughing,
"Ha, ha, ha,
1341
01:03:02,487 --> 01:03:03,780
look how poor Dave Chappelle is."
1342
01:03:03,863 --> 01:03:04,697
Oh.
1343
01:03:05,239 --> 01:03:06,449
Like, when I think back at it,
1344
01:03:06,532 --> 01:03:10,328
that was really the only time in my life
that I ever thought to myself,
1345
01:03:11,245 --> 01:03:13,790
"I should kill everybody at school."
1346
01:03:13,873 --> 01:03:15,249
[laughter]
1347
01:03:17,752 --> 01:03:20,171
[cheering and applause]
1348
01:03:20,254 --> 01:03:21,964
Thank you very much, everybody,
1349
01:03:22,048 --> 01:03:23,007
and good night.
1350
01:03:23,090 --> 01:03:24,550
[cheering and applause]
1351
01:03:24,634 --> 01:03:26,219
["DNA" by Kendrick Lamar plays]
1352
01:03:26,302 --> 01:03:28,471
♪ Got loyalty, got royalty
Inside my DNA ♪
1353
01:03:28,554 --> 01:03:31,682
♪ Got loyalty, got royalty
Inside my DNA ♪
1354
01:03:31,766 --> 01:03:35,394
♪ I got loyalty, got royalty
Inside my DNA ♪
1355
01:03:35,478 --> 01:03:37,688
♪ I got...
This is my heritage, all I'm inheritin' ♪
1356
01:03:37,772 --> 01:03:39,982
♪ Money and power
The makin' of marriages ♪
1357
01:03:40,066 --> 01:03:41,025
♪ Tell me somethin' ♪
1358
01:03:41,108 --> 01:03:42,860
♪ You motherfuckers
Can't tell me nothin' ♪
1359
01:03:42,944 --> 01:03:44,737
♪ I'd rather die than to listen to you ♪
1360
01:03:44,821 --> 01:03:46,489
♪ My DNA not for imitation ♪
1361
01:03:46,572 --> 01:03:49,700
♪ Your DNA an abomination
This how it is when you're in the Matrix ♪
1362
01:03:49,784 --> 01:03:51,369
♪ Dodgin' bullets, reapin' what you sow ♪
1363
01:03:51,452 --> 01:03:53,955
♪ Stackin' up the footage
Livin' on the go, sleepin' in a villa ♪
1364
01:03:54,038 --> 01:03:56,040
♪ Sippin' from a Grammy
Walkin' in the buildin' ♪
1365
01:03:56,123 --> 01:03:57,625
♪ Diamond in the ceilin'
Marble floors ♪
1366
01:03:57,708 --> 01:03:59,627
♪ Beach inside the window
Peekin' out the window ♪
1367
01:03:59,710 --> 01:04:02,296
♪ Baby in the pool, Godfather goals
Only Lord knows ♪
1368
01:04:02,380 --> 01:04:04,048
♪ I've been goin' hammer
Dodgin' paparazzi ♪
1369
01:04:04,131 --> 01:04:05,383
♪ Freakin' through the cameras ♪
1370
01:04:05,466 --> 01:04:07,260
♪ Eat at Four Daughters
Brock wearin' sandals ♪
1371
01:04:07,343 --> 01:04:09,011
♪ Yoga on a Monday
Stretchin' to Nirvana ♪
1372
01:04:09,095 --> 01:04:10,972
♪ Watchin' all the snakes
Curvin' all the fakes ♪
1373
01:04:11,055 --> 01:04:14,141
♪ Phone never on, I don't conversate
I don't compromise, I just penetrate ♪
1374
01:04:14,225 --> 01:04:18,271
♪ Sex, money, murder, these are the breaks
These are the times, level number nine ♪
1375
01:04:18,354 --> 01:04:21,482
♪ Look up in the sky, ten is on the way
Sentence on the way, killings on the way ♪
1376
01:04:21,566 --> 01:04:23,442
♪ Motherfucker, I got winners on the way ♪
1377
01:04:23,526 --> 01:04:25,278
♪ You ain't shit
Without a body on your belt ♪
1378
01:04:25,361 --> 01:04:27,280
♪ You ain't shit
Without a ticket on your plate ♪
1379
01:04:27,363 --> 01:04:29,198
♪ You ain't sick enough
To pull it on yourself ♪
1380
01:04:29,282 --> 01:04:31,200
♪ You ain't rich enough
To hit the lot and skate ♪
1381
01:04:31,284 --> 01:04:33,077
♪ Tell me when destruction
Gonna be my fate ♪
1382
01:04:33,160 --> 01:04:34,829
♪ Gonna be your fate
Gonna be our faith ♪
1383
01:04:34,912 --> 01:04:36,622
♪ Peace to the world, let it rotate ♪
1384
01:04:36,706 --> 01:04:38,416
♪ Sex, money, murder, our DNA ♪
1385
01:04:38,499 --> 01:04:40,501
["1999" plays]
1386
01:04:54,682 --> 01:04:55,808
♪ Mommy ♪
1387
01:04:57,685 --> 01:04:59,437
♪ Why does everybody have a bomb? ♪
1388
01:05:02,773 --> 01:05:03,941
♪ Mommy ♪
1389
01:05:05,818 --> 01:05:07,570
♪ Why does everybody have a bomb? ♪
1390
01:05:11,407 --> 01:05:12,408
[man] By the way...
1391
01:05:12,950 --> 01:05:14,702
Vanglorious!
1392
01:05:14,785 --> 01:05:16,621
This is protected
1393
01:05:16,704 --> 01:05:20,625
by the red, the black, and the green,
1394
01:05:20,791 --> 01:05:22,460
at the crossroad,
1395
01:05:22,543 --> 01:05:23,961
with a key,
1396
01:05:24,045 --> 01:05:26,047
sissy!