♪ (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JOHN WILSON: Hey, New York.
There are countless opportunities
to make small talk in a big city.
Even though some people seem to avoid it at all costs.
Small talk is the glue that binds us all together
and the armor that shields us
from each other's darkest thoughts.
It's useful when you meet up with a friend...
go on a date...
or try to start a professional relationship.
Failing to know how to engage properly
could condemn you to a life of social alienation.
But it can be extremely rewarding
if you know how to do it right.
So instead of making people take on the full weight
of all your problems,
stick with me, and I'll make sure
that every talk you have from here on out
is small talk.
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
♪ (QUIET MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JOHN: A nice way to begin is by leaving your apartment
and trying to find someone who is willing to talk to you.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Thankfully, New York is filled with friendly people,
so this should be easy.
One of the main functions of small talk
is to fill space with polite conversation,
uh, until you can be alone again.
So make sure to only talk about stuff from your everyday life
that anyone can relate to and forget about easily.
You can talk about how nice the weather is,
uh, but just make sure that
you never mention climate change.
You can talk about what's on TV,
uh, but make sure that you only talk--
you only mention, uh, the nice stuff.
You can also talk about the health of your plant,
but don't mention that it's a painful reminder
of your ex, uh, who gave it to you,
uh, because she loved you
even though you were emotionally unavailable,
uh, to her.
Pets are, uh, really good to talk about too.
You can always talk about pets.
But much like in real estate,
uh, location is everything when you're making small talk.
You could pose the same question
in two, uh, different environments
and receive wildly different answers.
You could ask a question to a philosopher...
Do you think mankind is gonna make a comeback?
I hope so. (SIGHS)
Um, if we can survive the perils of climate change, inequality,
and, um, the fantastic weapons of destruction
we've created for ourselves.
JOHN: But that same question,
uh, might get a much different answer at WrestleMania.
Do you think Mankind is gonna make a comeback?
No, not today.
He fell off too many Hell in a Cells.
-JOHN: Oh, really? -Yeah.
JOHN: What about mankind in general?
Oh! Mankind, like, the whole world?
I mean, it's not bad, it could be better,
but I'm happy with my life, so.
JOHN: What do you, uh, what do you do?
Uh, I catch child predators.
If you wanna look me up, it's Mr. 17540 on Facebook.
That's what I do in my spare time.
JOHN: You catch child predators?
-Yes, I do. -JOHN: How?
I set up the stings online, and I Facebook Live 'em,
and I go and get 'em.
-JOHN: Really? -Yes, sir.
JOHN: At the end of our conversation,
the gentleman invited me to his headquarters
-in Pennsylvania. -♪ (SYNTH MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
And I figured I could learn something
by heading out there to see him in action.
So, what's going on today?
Well, we're gonna go catch us a predator today.
JOHN: Yeah? Do you have something set up?
Oh, yeah, a guy's 28 years old,
he knows that I'm 15,
and told him to bring condoms,
and he's gonna try to meet me for sex.
JOHN: Because his job involves keeping people engaged
for long periods of time,
I figured he would have some insight
into sustaining friendly conversations.
(CELL PHONE DINGS)
JOHN: So, what are you saying to this person right now?
So, he just told me...
Like I said, I find these guys,
I look at their profile, I ask 'em questions.
I-- I said I liked his dogs. He said, "Thank you."
Right away, he says,
"It's a Norwegian elkhound and a chocolate Lab,"
and "What are you doing on here, then?"
Because I told him I'm 15.
We'll tell him I'm just looking for fun
and that my grandma used to have dogs like that.
JOHN: Did your grandma really have dogs like that?
No, hell no.
JOHN: It seems like when you're having small talk,
it's okay to lie if it helps you avoid
uh, getting too personal,
because that can be a real turn off.
You know, I've had people just vent their problems
like, "My mother-in-law is in the hospital,"
or "My girlfriend just cheated on me,"
and those are the people, like, I--
Well, I'm not here for a conversation like that.
And I just block 'em and go to the next one.
JOHN: But in the middle of our conversation,
his plans fell through.
Damn it!
Now he's saying he doesn't wanna do it,
and he's bailing out at the last second.
Like, the best I can say is like,
"Okay, thanks for wasting my day.
I took school off today."
JOHN: So, I guess try not to say too much,
or else you might scare someone away.
Because the more you talk to someone,
the harder it is to hide who you really are.
I got a rug off Craigslist recently.
The ad said that there were a few blood stains on the rug
from a stress-related incident.
Uh, but it was free.
When I got to the storage space to pick it up,
instead of the small talk about interior decorating
that I expected, the guy just spent
the entire time telling me about his divorce.
JOHN: It can be hard to keep a conversation
in a safe zone
when you're filled with so much pain.
RUG GUY: My ex-wife demanded I get rid of my shit.
JOHN: But an expert small talker
will know how to suppress these emotions
and appear stable,
no matter how much pressure is building up inside.
For example, if you need to retrieve a sweater
from someone that you used to date, uh,
start first by sending them a text message.
And if you discover that they had deleted your number,
uh, just calmly remind them, uh, of your name.
It might have been a while since you've seen them,
so when you go to their apartment
to pick it up,
make sure to keep the conversation light
and focused on the sweater.
Which should be easy for you
because, uh, before you stopped seeing each other,
uh, she-- she told you that you were too closed off.
And when she brings up that she's dating someone new,
uh, just, uh, wish her well
and bike home as quickly as possible.
If-- if you do want to talk to someone
about your previous relationships,
you should only do it with your really close friends,
who you can call up anytime to reminisce.
FRANCIS: (OVER PHONE) I don't know if we've ever talked
about any of our exes with each other.
(LAUGHING) I don't know...
JOHN: Okay.
FRANCIS: I don't know if you and I have ever, uh,
bro-ed down like that.
JOHN: You-- I guess you don't always need
to talk about personal stuff,
uh, for someone to technically be your friend.
♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
And if you're not a big talker in general,
you can use a popular technique called baiting
to get people to talk to you.
Uh, baiting involves wearing or doing something
that will invite conversation.
This could be a fashion choice or a method of transportation.
The way you move,
the way you eat.
A new haircut is good bait.
Or you can just dress like a hose.
Wearing a band T-shirt is a popular way
to get someone to talk to you in public.
But if you can't afford to go to, um,
a Blue Chip concert,
you can always go see a cover band
that has a name that's similar to a, uh, a real band.
-♪ (BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(CHEERING)
JOHN: Once you've seen enough, sprint over to the merch table
to, uh, beat the crowd
and pick out the boldest apparel that you can afford.
Then you're gonna go to the tallest elevator
in your city, uh, and it won't be long
until someone takes the bait
and starts a conversation with you.
ELEVATOR WOMAN:
JOHN: Have you heard of them?
JOHN: Yeah, they're bagpipers.
ELEVATOR WOMAN:
JOHN: They're a bagpipe cover band.
ELEVATOR WOMAN:
JOHN: Once you have enough small talk with someone,
they will eventually become an acquaintance.
To be a successful acquaintance,
you will need to have, uh, broad interests
and, uh, relatable flaws.
And no matter how awful your life currently is,
you can never reveal this to another acquaintance.
So it requires a bit of camouflage.
You want to seem like someone who is busy,
but also likes to relax.
That's why going on vacation will give you enough ammunition
for years' worth of, uh, encounters.
So just go to a travel agency
and ask what the most popular destinations are.
I can send you to Punta Cana, Cancún, Jamaica.
Any of those places will be my places to go to.
JOHN: Cancún?
Cancún sounds good.
It's just one person in the room?
Or are you going to be sharing the room with someone else?
-JOHN: No, it's just me. -Okay.
JOHN: And if your travel agent
starts talking about relationships,
uh, don't reciprocate,
and just wait for the transaction to complete.
-TRAVEL AGENT: Eighty-six? -JOHN: Yeah.
TRAVEL AGENT: I got married in that year.
Don't wanna remember that too much. (LAUGHS)
-JOHN: Uh-- -I was married for 20 years.
JOHN: Okay.
Relationships, you know, they start, they end.
So I think, uh, love cannot be forever.
Relationships are not forever, and I'm-- I'm okay with it.
I'm, you know, if-- if I find someone else, great,
I'm not looking, but hey, if he comes along,
let's see who can deal with me. 'Cause I'm not that easy.
But hey.
Would I marry the same type of person again?
No. But at that point, I wanted to? Yes.
And did I have fun? Yes.
Could I have done better? Yes.
But that's what's coming next.
So let's see what happens. I'll let you know.
-JOHN: Thank you. -You're welcome.
-JOHN: I appreciate it. -No problem.
JOHN: It's hard to understand why people decide to tell you
certain things at certain times.
And you might end up wondering what the deal is.
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS, STOPS ABRUPTLY) ♪
When someone opens up to you,
you might feel the need to reciprocate
-out of politeness. -♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
But this comes with a big risk
because an exchange of feelings
may cause you to be swept up in a relationship,
uh, that you're not prepared for.
So it's important to know how to navigate the interaction
uh, back to calm waters.
We can learn a lot from people that work at, uh,
big retail stores.
They are specifically trained to stick to a script,
and as you can see,
any time the conversation enters controversial territory,
they will gently pivot, uh, back to the sale.
How do you feel about kids getting vaccinated?
-JOHN: Okay. -APPLE STORE EMPLOYEE: Yeah.
JOHN: The president sucks, huh?
(LAUGHS)
JOHN: I was looking for some kind of suit
-for, like, a court date. -BERGDORF EMPLOYEE: Cool.
JOHN: I'm going to court.
JOHN: Uh, for manslaughter.
JOHN: But unfortunately, most of us don't have the shield
of a corporation to, uh, help us shut people down.
So if you're in public with someone,
and a conversation enters dangerous territory,
it seems like a quick touch is a nice way
to let people know that you've had enough.
Just touch and go...
touch and go...
touch and go.
But even after you've touch-ed and go-ed,
your problems still might not be over.
(BEEPING)
JOHN: So if you can't make it onto the subway,
just open up the closest door to you
and hope that there's something better on the other side.
♪ (SYNTH MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
JOHN: And once you've escaped, you'll finally be alone.
♪ (QUIET MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
This way, you can avoid
having a mild beef with anyone else.
No sharing, no talking,
no "Let's do this again."
Just you on your own terms,
on your own time, and in your own world.
Because, remember,
sharing your most intimate thoughts with someone
can be a disturbing and messy experience.
You're trusting them to take on
the full weight of all your problems
and handle them with care.
And who knows what they'll do,
once they finally get home
and begin to run the forensics on everything you said.
And even though an intimate connection
may look attractive out in the wild,
don't forget that the life of a relationship
always seems to follow the same pattern.
♪ (MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(INAUDIBLE)
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
JOHN: I was feeling a bit off lately,
but I couldn't quite pin down why.
♪ (QUIET MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Fortunately, a vacation is a great way
to take your mind off things.
And I had booked that relaxing trip to Cancún,
and it was time to go.
It would be nice to get some, uh, peace and quiet.
Away from all the, uh, people.
I had a really good feeling about this trip.
I arrived late at night, so after checking in,
I headed straight to my room.
The bed looked really comfortable,
uh, which was great, because I was here to relax.
The shower was okay too.
The next morning, I got some, uh, breakfast,
and I was looking forward to
a relaxing afternoon by the pool.
♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
That's when I discovered that my supposedly serene,
all-inclusive resort was hosting MTV's Spring Break
during the entire week that I was there.
This was a waking nightmare
that seemed to occupy every inch of the resort.
The rules of polite society did not apply here.
People were jumping from stranger, uh,
to acquaintance and back to stranger
within a matter of minutes.
And no one was wearing a shirt I could comment on.
Their methods of communication were incredibly advanced.
And dressing like a hose was normal here.
These creatures were an evolved species
of social animal.
And everyone seemed to be praying
to a dark overlord named Pauly D.
His nightly sermons were mandatory,
and he seemed to cast a spell
over all the residents at the resort.
No one could escape his watchful eye.
He was the pope of Spring Break,
and his rule was absolute.
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Pauly D!
JOHN: My room was starting to feel a bit claustrophobic,
but I was afraid to, uh, go back outside
without a clear objective.
I figured I would have to, uh, eat eventually,
so I got in line for
what I thought was one of the buffets.
But when I finally got to the front,
it turned out to be a rowdy concert
that was airing live on MTV.
-♪ (MUSIC THUMPING) ♪ -(CROWD CHANTING)
JOHN: As I started looking for a way out,
a young boy behind me started showing me his condoms.
Then someone handed me a bottle of piss,
which I immediately threw to the ground.
Then the MTV crew started, uh, pointing at me
and seemed very angry, and I couldn't tell why.
JOHN: Apparently, I was in every single shot
and ruining the entire broadcast,
uh, because I looked so distressed.
♪ (ZARA LARSSON SINGING "RUIN MY LIFE") ♪
♪ I want you To bring it all on ♪
♪ If you make it all wrong Then I'll make it all right ♪
JOHN: I was starting to wonder why I felt so out of place here.
This event was a mecca of superficial interactions.
But for some reason, I just couldn't fit in.
That night, I met someone in the lobby
who had also come here by himself.
His name was Chris, and he wanted to sing for me.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(RAPPING) ♪ Yo, hit the throttle ♪
♪ Black Monte Carlo ♪
♪ P-paint dripping Push it, work ♪
♪ H-hit the pedal Push it to the metal ♪
♪ C-cook it up, that's-- ♪
Hold up, hold up.
JOHN: He invited me back to his room, uh,
with a few others to hang out.
You gotta live how you wanna live.
And don't abide by the bullshit laws
that the world has, bro.
Like, do what you wanna do.
Life's too short.
JOHN: All they wanted to talk about was partying,
but I got the sense that, uh,
we had more in common than I initially thought.
Do you feel like you have-- ever have social anxiety?
I really do have social anxiety,
probably because I smoke too much weed.
JOHN: Eventually I left,
and, uh, went back to my room, uh, to watch a movie,
uh, before-- before going to sleep.
The next morning, uh, I got up early to beat the crowds
and I ran into Chris again.
He told me that he-- he lost his bag
at, uh, the club last night,
and didn't have his cell phone anymore.
Yeah, I lost my bag.
At Coyote Loco.
-JOHN: What were you doing? -Drinking, I guess.
JOHN: Why'd you come here alone?
Why did I come alone? I just wanted to party, man.
Wanted to fall in love.
(LAUGHS) Nah, I'm just joking.
JOHN: At the end of our conversation,
I asked him if, uh, he wanted to grab dinner with me.
But he said that his schedule, uh, wouldn't permit it.
I gotta go and find my bag now, bro.
JOHN: Okay.
I was starting to have stomach pains
from, uh, the cuisine at the resort,
so I decided to head to the hotel next door
to treat myself to a fancy dinner, uh, for one.
♪ (VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
The water there had its own metal holder
so the waiter didn't have to touch the, uh, bottle
with his hands.
I felt like royalty.
But the whole dinner,
I-- I couldn't stop thinking about,
uh, the empty seat right across from me.
The rest of the week, I tried to make myself useful.
I watched some guys playing tennis for little while
and tried to help out where I could.
But it seemed like everyone already had their own group,
and they all seemed impenetrable.
-Hey, guys. -How you doing?
-JOHN: How are you doing? -Good, how are you?
JOHN: Where are you going?
-Back to our room, bro. -Yeah.
-Get breakfast. -And then grab some breakfast.
JOHN: Where's your room?
-In the hotel. -(CHUCKLES)
JOHN: How do you guys know each other?
-All right, I'm out. Fuck this. -We go to school together.
JOHN: Oh, okay.
And then I spotted Chris again.
(SHOUTING) Chris!
What are you doing?
Beautiful Mexico.
What's the temperature in New York right now?
JOHN: I don't know. Fifty?
-Fifty? -JOHN: Yeah.
-Fahrenheit? -JOHN: Yeah.
(WOMEN GIGGLING)
They're gonna think I'm a superstar now.
-(LAUGHS) I'm just joking. -(JOHN CHUCKLES)
-Uh... -I'm Pauly-- I'm Pauly D's nephew.
WOMAN: That's gotta be a hockey player.
Yeah, yeah, I'm a hockey player.
Typical girls, man. Basic, basic, basic.
-JOHN: Typical girls? -Typical females.
JOHN: Like, what do you mean?
Everybody's the same, nobody's real.
It's hard to even conversate with anybody down here.
JOHN: Why?
'Cause they're just too busy and occupied about
just-- I don't really know, man, just being...
just being typical.
JOHN: It seems like you were trying to avoid me.
Today? I was trying to avoid everybody today, man.
This takes a toll on you down here.
JOHN: Was I making you uncomfortable?
No. Well, actually, yeah, a little bit, a little bit.
JOHN: Why was I making you uncomfortable?
Cause I didn't-- I just didn't know what was--
I just don't know-- I don't know. I can't explain it.
You live in a condo in New York, or is it a house?
JOHN: No, I live in an apartment building.
Oh, nice.
JOHN: Uh, with one-- with two ladies
that live underneath me.
It's, like, a mother and daughter.
That's sweet, nice.
JOHN: Who lives in your house?
Just me and my dog.
-JOHN: You have a dog? -Yeah.
He's my best friend, man.
That's-- that's the-- that's the truth. (CHUCKLES)
I can't wait to see him when I get home.
-JOHN: What's his name? -Jack.
JOHN: Have you ever had a pet that died?
When I was a kid, yeah.
JOHN: What was that pet?
His name was Lucky.
He wasn't so lucky, though. He got hit by a car.
-JOHN: He got hit by a car? -Yeah, I was a little boy, man.
JOHN: Um...
I, uh, I used to have a cat,
when I was growing up, called-- named Fluffy,
and she died.
That sucks, bro.
That's what happens. That's life, though...
unfortunately.
JOHN: I also had a friend that died recently.
He was in, like, a car accident.
That's terrible.
JOHN: Uh...
and that was really hard.
Yeah, I feel your pain, trust me.
JOHN: Um...
Yo, is this true? Is this for real?
-JOHN: Yeah. -I'm sorry, bro.
My-- my friend just killed himself,
before I came here.
-JOHN: Before you came here? -Well...
about 30 days before.
Probably low-key why I-- why I am out here, you know?
Whether I know it or not, I think that the universe
just put me here, I don't really know.
I feel like I really needed to get away.
-JOHN: That's really heavy. -Yeah, it's brutal.
It's my first close friend I ever really lost.
(CAN CRINKLING)
So, do you like New York?
(LAUGHS)
♪ (MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JOHN: I returned to New York the next day,
and it was nice to be back home in my element.
Although, I'm not sure I could ever look at my city
the same way again.
The world is full of people
that need to get something off their chest.
And even though it can be risky to open up,
it's worth it when you find the right person.
Otherwise, stuff will just keep, uh, building up,
and you need to sift out all that bad stuff
uh, once in a while.
And, uh, then you'll-- you'll be in a better place.
And, uh, once you take care of that,
you'll finally be able to return
to a blissful world of small talk.
This is John Wilson.
Thanks for watching.
♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
JOHN WILSON: I even met someone
who used scaffolding on a romantic date.
You left me outside when it rained.
That was interesting.
♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪