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(whimsical theme playing)
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John Wilson:
Hey, New York.
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As we get older, we try
to hit certain milestones
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to feel like we're making
progress in life.
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Like, adopting your first pet;
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finally getting your own place;
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or starting an exciting
new career.
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These things
make us feel stable
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and help us forget
that the Grim Reaper is...
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al-- just always
one step behind us.
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But unfortunately,
this stability
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is sometimes
only an illusion.
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Because one day,
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when you're just hanging
out in your apartment,
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your landlord calls you
to come downstairs
to have a talk.
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It sounds pretty serious,
and your mind
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naturally goes to
the worst possible place.
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But, nothing could've
prepared you
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for what you are
about to hear.
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She tells you that
she's selling the building
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and moving to Las Vegas
by the end of the month.
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♪ ♪
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It really takes
you by surprise,
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but looking back,
you could see
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that there had been
signs everywhere,
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and you-you-you just
hadn't noticed them.
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You go through
a whirlwind of emotions.
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Shock,
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rage,
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sadness,
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panic,
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and finally acceptance.
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But just as you are
getting ready to move out,
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something happens that
you never even considered.
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She actually offers to sell
you the house if you want it
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for a price that's
below market value.
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It seems like
the deal of a lifetime,
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but you don't know
if you can
actu-actually afford it.
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The thought of
purchasing property
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had never even
crossed your mind,
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and the idea just
sounds kind of terrifying.
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You ask her to give you
a few days to think it over
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because you're not sure you're
ready for something like this.
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But instead of letting
an opportunity
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slip through your fingers,
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might as well
finally figure out
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if it's a good idea
to invest in real estate.
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Most people would
jump at the opportunity
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to own property in New York,
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but when you look back,
you realize
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you've actually structured
your whole life
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around avoiding
commitments like this.
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Before you found
your current place,
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you lived month-to-month
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in an illegally
converted warehouse
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with a bunch of
your good friends.
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♪ ♪
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A lot of the rooms
didn't have windows,
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so when it got really hot,
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you had to make your
own air conditioners
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out of ice jugs
and a, and a fan
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in a Styrofoam box.
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There were also rats that
lived in your garbage,
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and a vicious possum
in the backyard.
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They even shot a TV show
on your block once
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where they used your
street as a stand-in
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for war-torn Syria
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with very little set dressing.
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(Middle Eastern music)
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(helicopter whirring)
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Hostiles on rooftop
up the street.
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(gunfire, shouting)
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(rocket firing, explodes)
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Oh my god.
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Wilson:
Because you, you were
living there illegally,
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you were always expecting
to get kicked out.
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But, somehow,
that day never came,
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and you ended up staying
there for over seven years.
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♪ ♪
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You really liked feeling
untethered to any sense
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of responsibility
to the property,
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but you knew that you would
have to escape one day.
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Eventually.
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You originally found
this place on Craigslist
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a couple years ago.
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The pictures looked nice,
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but you could tell it
was the real deal from
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the alternating capital letters
in the subject heading.
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Your landlord is asking you for
$900,000 for the whole place,
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which is way more than
you actually have.
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That means you're gonna
have to borrow the money
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from somewhere else,
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and you guess most people
just get it from a bank.
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♪ ♪
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But a mortgage seems like
an extremely heavy burden
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for someone who's
afraid of commitment.
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It can take as long as
30 years to pay off,
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and you've never planned that
far ahead for anything before.
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And it's hard to tell if
you'll regret your decision
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once it's too late
to change your mind.
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You're also terrified
of getting ripped off,
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and, and for good reason.
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You recently went to buy a car
from someone off Craigslist,
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and it looked like a great deal
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with surprisingly low
mileage for its age.
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The seller seemed
a little nervous,
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but you didn't think anything
of it at the time. So,
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you signed the papers
and handed over the money.
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And he even helped you to
put on the license plate,
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which was nice.
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But when you got home
and started going through
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all the junk that
he left in the back,
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you found a second odometer,
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and it had a lot
more miles on it
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than the one behind
the steering wheel.
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When you brought the car
to a mechanic for a checkup,
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he took one look at
the odometer in the trunk,
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and told you it was probably
swapped out to fool you.
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It seemed like the car
wasn't lightly used,
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and you fell for it
like a, like a sucker.
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And if you're not careful,
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the same thing could
happen with the house.
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So, just like anything
you buy off Craigslist,
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just give it
a quick check first
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before you accept the offer.
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Just make sure it's sturdy.
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(knocking)
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But when you start
to look around,
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you start to notice
other things that
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are wrong with the house
for the very first time.
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♪ ♪
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There are cracks
that are forming
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in the corners of each room.
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There's a big leak
coming from your ceiling,
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and you'll probably
have to get the roof fixed.
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Other parts of the house
are a millimeter away
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from a complete disaster.
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And you're also finally able
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to see the apartment
on the first floor,
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and the tiles in the bathroom
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look like something
awful had...
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uh, you thought it was...
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it looked like cum.
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And the house also seemed to
be sinking into the ground.
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And you realized that
you don't even know
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if this house is a good deal,
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and maybe you should see what
else is on the market first
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before you commit to anything.
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It's really fun
to get a glimpse
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into all these interiors
around New York City.
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You feel like
the Invisible Man,
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getting to be a voyeur
without any consequence.
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Even though it seems like some
people go through a lot of work
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to stay anonymous.
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But, you can only browse
on the internet for so long
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before you have to check
out places in person.
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So, in the bathroom, there's
no sink in the bathroom?
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Realtor:
Yeah, just the toilet.
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Yeah, just the toilet.
It's okay.
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Wilson:
And then you'll just use the
kitchen sink for the bathroom.
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Great location.
A lot of stuff over here.
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I'm really close
to east Williamsburg,
prime location.
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-Wilson: Sure.
-The price and everything,
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and it's manageable for
the right person, no?
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-Wilson: Yeah.
-It's affordable.
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So, it's been on
the market about 68 days.
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-Wilson: Sixty-eight days?
-Realtor: Yeah.
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Wilson:
Hey, I'm John.
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You're looking at
a one bedroom, two bath.
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Upstairs and downstairs.
It's hardwood floors.
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It's actually a lot of cabinets,
open space. You have a breast--
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Break-fist table over here.
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Wilson:
What made you want to
get into real estate?
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Actually, I've had
a passion for real estate
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since I was 16.
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-Wilson: So wait,
how old are you now?
-I'm 18 years old.
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Wilson:
You're... That's a...
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-You can be a real
estate agent at 18?
-Yes, you can.
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I took my real estate
exam three times.
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I just passed.
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-Wilson: Yeah.
-I just passed,
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so being a real estate
agent is not easy.
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Wilson: Nothing, uh,
in your, in your,
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in your price range
really excited you,
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but fortunately,
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they don't always
check your financials
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when you ask to see a place.
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So, try somewhere different.
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Wait, so how many
floors is this place?
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-Five.
-So, we're four stories--
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-No, plus basement.
-Five stories.
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Wilson:
So, like, why the...
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What's with the oval ceiling?
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Oh, it's just design.
I mean, it's a very...
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-sophisticated aesthetic.
-Here is the kitchen.
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-Handmade of walnut.
-Wilson: Oh my goodness.
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Realtor:
And again, the mosaic floor.
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Wilson:
How many steps
are in this house?
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Haven't counted.
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00:09:02,608 --> 00:09:04,577
And the street that this is on
201
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is the most exclusive
street in all of Neponsit,
202
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so it's great to be on
203
00:09:10,917 --> 00:09:14,020
a very exclusive street in
a beautiful neighborhood.
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00:09:14,086 --> 00:09:16,822
We gotta go to
master bedroom level.
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00:09:16,889 --> 00:09:19,025
-Ready?
-Primary bedroom level.
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-Oh yeah, we're supposed
to say primary.
-I know we are.
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00:09:21,928 --> 00:09:23,930
Wilson:
Primary? Why primary level?
208
00:09:23,996 --> 00:09:27,600
-Because...
-Because it's more
politically correct.
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-It's appropriate
to say primary...
-Wilson: Bedroom?
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...as opposed to master,
211
00:09:32,571 --> 00:09:35,508
even though we were
never masters of anybody.
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Wilson:
You can see the detail
in the pool from up here.
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00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:42,114
-Uh-huh.
-It was inspired by
an Hermès scarf.
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-And if you like
entertaining, get ready.
-Yeah.
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This is a wonderful place
216
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to entertain because
the room has the width,
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and it also has a little
bit of a curvature.
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00:09:50,289 --> 00:09:52,959
Wilson:
You're not really sure what
they mean by entertaining,
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00:09:53,025 --> 00:09:54,560
but just to be safe,
220
00:09:54,627 --> 00:09:56,963
make sure you
have an act prepared
221
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if you're investing
in, uh, real estate.
222
00:10:00,566 --> 00:10:04,136
(whimsical music)
223
00:10:23,656 --> 00:10:25,458
You looked at
a place in Harlem,
224
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and the current owner
showed you around.
225
00:10:28,427 --> 00:10:31,464
-How long has this
place been vacant?
-Um...
226
00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:35,201
Just about maybe...
227
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-six months.
-Wilson: The place
seemed really nice,
228
00:10:38,270 --> 00:10:40,039
but after the tour,
229
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she told you about
a little problem
230
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she had with the person
who lived here before.
231
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He did all kinds
of strange things.
232
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He stuffed a brush
down the toilet,
233
00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:51,984
so we had to replace
the entire toilet.
234
00:10:52,051 --> 00:10:54,420
He took a large mirror
235
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from the vestibule
and smashed it.
236
00:10:58,124 --> 00:11:01,794
He threw wine in the face
of one of the tenants.
237
00:11:01,861 --> 00:11:04,930
The fire department
had to come once.
238
00:11:04,997 --> 00:11:07,433
I had to buy all new appliances.
239
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,602
He scaled the front
of our building
240
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with a knife
241
00:11:11,871 --> 00:11:13,439
and a switchblade.
242
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:17,376
He would draw
pentagrams on the wall
243
00:11:17,443 --> 00:11:19,879
as well as on our front door.
244
00:11:19,945 --> 00:11:22,848
He was running around
naked with a moose head.
245
00:11:22,915 --> 00:11:25,518
He was trying to
summon the devil,
246
00:11:25,584 --> 00:11:29,088
and because I'm
a praying person,
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I wasn't having that.
248
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♪ ♪
249
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Wilson:
None of the places you saw
250
00:11:36,796 --> 00:11:39,999
really, ah,
felt quite right,
251
00:11:40,066 --> 00:11:42,735
and you're starting
to have doubts about
252
00:11:42,802 --> 00:11:45,838
investing in
real estate at all.
253
00:11:47,606 --> 00:11:50,676
But when you get back home,
your landlord starts
254
00:11:50,743 --> 00:11:53,612
showing you how to take care
of her plants in the backyard
255
00:11:53,679 --> 00:11:55,347
when she's gone.
256
00:11:55,414 --> 00:11:57,817
And it seems like she's
really depending on you
257
00:11:57,883 --> 00:12:01,854
to keep everything
the way she liked it.
258
00:12:01,921 --> 00:12:04,356
If she had to put
the building up for sale,
259
00:12:04,423 --> 00:12:07,426
she may have to let all those
real estate people come in
260
00:12:07,493 --> 00:12:11,197
and pick apart her entire life,
261
00:12:11,263 --> 00:12:14,366
and you'd probably
be kicked out.
262
00:12:15,668 --> 00:12:18,938
Or worse, they could
film another TV show here
263
00:12:19,004 --> 00:12:21,974
that isn't your show.
264
00:12:22,041 --> 00:12:25,811
So, no matter how unprepared
you are for this,
265
00:12:25,878 --> 00:12:28,347
you know it would
make her really happy
266
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:31,350
if you were the one
that bought it. So,
267
00:12:31,417 --> 00:12:34,487
go to a mortgage broker
that your friend recommended
268
00:12:34,553 --> 00:12:37,056
to see how much, uh...
269
00:12:37,123 --> 00:12:39,358
mortgage, uh, you can get.
270
00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:41,927
(office chatter)
271
00:12:41,994 --> 00:12:44,163
Alright, so I got
your credit right now.
272
00:12:44,230 --> 00:12:47,199
So, you have phenomenal credit.
273
00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:50,903
-Wilson: Oh really?
-It's amazing.
What do you do for a living?
274
00:12:50,970 --> 00:12:54,673
Wilson:
Um, I-- I'm a documentarian.
275
00:12:54,740 --> 00:12:57,676
-Oh. Fun. Okay.
-Um...
276
00:12:58,577 --> 00:13:00,312
Like, it's kind of like,
277
00:13:00,379 --> 00:13:02,915
uh, memoir...
278
00:13:04,316 --> 00:13:05,684
essay...
279
00:13:07,086 --> 00:13:08,654
um...
280
00:13:08,721 --> 00:13:10,289
It takes place in New York.
281
00:13:10,356 --> 00:13:12,725
Do you have
any stocks and bonds
282
00:13:12,791 --> 00:13:14,793
or money in the market that you,
283
00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:17,196
like, you get residual
income off of?
284
00:13:17,263 --> 00:13:20,866
Wilson:
Um, I have one share
of Domino's Pizza.
285
00:13:22,268 --> 00:13:24,837
And, at that point,
the mortgage broker
286
00:13:24,904 --> 00:13:26,939
may begin to question
if you're actually
287
00:13:27,006 --> 00:13:28,307
financially stable enough.
288
00:13:28,374 --> 00:13:31,343
Whatever you're worried about,
we're worried about.
289
00:13:31,410 --> 00:13:33,679
-Wilson: Yeah...
-So, we don't wanna
lend to somebody
290
00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:36,048
who miraculously
got a huge project,
291
00:13:36,115 --> 00:13:37,816
and they never had
a project like this,
292
00:13:37,883 --> 00:13:39,151
and it will never happen again.
293
00:13:39,218 --> 00:13:41,353
We need to make sure
you're consistent.
294
00:13:41,420 --> 00:13:43,155
Wilson:
So you're gonna have
to come back another time
295
00:13:43,222 --> 00:13:44,823
with financial documents
296
00:13:44,890 --> 00:13:47,359
and any other proof
you can find
297
00:13:47,426 --> 00:13:50,329
that you'll keep making
money in the future.
298
00:13:50,396 --> 00:13:52,531
So when you get
back home, you start
299
00:13:52,598 --> 00:13:54,900
by drafting a letter as
part of your application.
300
00:13:54,967 --> 00:13:56,268
♪ ♪
301
00:13:56,335 --> 00:13:58,704
And then go to
your grandma's house
302
00:13:58,771 --> 00:14:02,308
because she keeps the clippings
of every review from your show
303
00:14:02,374 --> 00:14:04,109
that was in the newspapers,
304
00:14:04,176 --> 00:14:06,078
and you're sure that the bank
would like to see those.
305
00:14:06,145 --> 00:14:08,180
Grandma:
See? I got everything, Johnny.
306
00:14:08,247 --> 00:14:10,616
Grandma's not
so nutsy after all.
307
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:13,185
Wilson:
And then compile all
the good reviews of your show
308
00:14:13,252 --> 00:14:16,689
into a packet that proves
everyone loves it,
309
00:14:16,755 --> 00:14:18,757
and hide the bad
reviews in a place
310
00:14:18,824 --> 00:14:21,660
that the mortgage broker
can never find them.
311
00:14:21,727 --> 00:14:23,963
HBO never gave you
any numbers about
312
00:14:24,029 --> 00:14:25,764
how many people are
watching your show,
313
00:14:25,831 --> 00:14:27,933
so you have no idea
what the ratings are.
314
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,502
So, instead, you can
just start looking through
315
00:14:30,569 --> 00:14:33,005
people's windows to get
316
00:14:33,072 --> 00:14:35,174
the data yourself.
317
00:14:35,241 --> 00:14:37,209
You didn't see anyone
watching your show,
318
00:14:37,276 --> 00:14:40,312
but you did catch a few
minutes of "The Departed,"
319
00:14:40,379 --> 00:14:42,514
which was nice until, uh,
320
00:14:42,581 --> 00:14:44,350
they, until they
noticed you filming.
321
00:14:44,416 --> 00:14:45,384
Sorry!
322
00:14:45,451 --> 00:14:47,152
So, just don't
mention any numbers
323
00:14:47,219 --> 00:14:49,321
to the broker and bring
everything else.
324
00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:53,292
-So, these are some...
some reviews.
-Broker: Reviews.
325
00:14:53,359 --> 00:14:55,794
So, you're trying to
determine that these are--
326
00:14:55,861 --> 00:14:58,631
This is like your
proof of continuance?
327
00:14:58,697 --> 00:15:01,867
Wilson:
This is kind of... Would
this kind of help at all?
328
00:15:03,369 --> 00:15:05,337
(sighs) No.
329
00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:08,641
Wilson:
None of the stuff you brought
really convinced her,
330
00:15:08,707 --> 00:15:11,377
but after she went through
the rest of your financials,
331
00:15:11,443 --> 00:15:14,513
she said that you, you
will actually qualify.
332
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:16,515
On one condition.
333
00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:18,550
Broker:
I know we're using every
last dollar of yours
334
00:15:18,617 --> 00:15:20,486
-to purchase this,
but for right now...
-Wilson: Uh-huh.
335
00:15:20,552 --> 00:15:22,521
...you can't purchase this
336
00:15:22,588 --> 00:15:24,657
without a supplemental income.
337
00:15:24,723 --> 00:15:26,525
-Wilson: Without a tenant.
-Yeah.
338
00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:28,193
-Yeah.
-Wilson: Okay.
339
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:31,297
So, if you wanna get
approved for a mortgage,
340
00:15:31,363 --> 00:15:32,965
it seems like
the only way is to
341
00:15:33,032 --> 00:15:34,700
rent out one of your units
342
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:37,202
and become a landlord yourself.
343
00:15:37,269 --> 00:15:38,737
♪ ♪
344
00:15:38,804 --> 00:15:41,273
There are no two groups
more distinct from each other
345
00:15:41,340 --> 00:15:43,442
than landlords and tenants.
346
00:15:43,509 --> 00:15:46,679
And you're not sure you're
ready to switch teams.
347
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:49,548
If you became a landlord,
348
00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:52,551
you would have
to be on call 24/7.
349
00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:55,054
Because if anything went wrong
in the middle of the night,
350
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:58,891
you would be personally
responsible for fixing it.
351
00:15:59,925 --> 00:16:01,393
And if you rented
out your place,
352
00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:03,629
you would have no control over
353
00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:05,230
what kind of music
your tenants played.
354
00:16:05,297 --> 00:16:07,099
(bagpipe music playing)
355
00:16:07,166 --> 00:16:09,968
Or, or what kind of pets
they might sneak in.
356
00:16:11,236 --> 00:16:13,572
And they might throw
really weird parties.
357
00:16:14,873 --> 00:16:16,108
And if you're not careful,
358
00:16:16,175 --> 00:16:20,946
they might even try to
summon the devil himself.
359
00:16:21,013 --> 00:16:24,116
So, you might have to act
like a tough guy sometimes
360
00:16:24,183 --> 00:16:26,719
to stop things from
getting out of hand.
361
00:16:26,785 --> 00:16:30,589
But that's not a role you
really know how to play.
362
00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,725
Maybe if you rent
it out to someone
363
00:16:32,791 --> 00:16:35,427
that you could be friends with,
364
00:16:35,494 --> 00:16:38,130
uh, none of this stuff
would be a problem.
365
00:16:38,197 --> 00:16:41,066
The situation where you
interview a potential tenant
366
00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:44,737
is that they basically always
bring their best foot forward.
367
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:50,409
They're very nice, very polite,
very kind, very courteous.
368
00:16:52,878 --> 00:16:54,313
But,
369
00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:56,682
sometimes, that has
a way of changing.
370
00:16:56,749 --> 00:16:58,684
Once they get the apartment,
371
00:17:00,018 --> 00:17:02,688
all that sweetness
goes out the window.
372
00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:07,626
-Wilson: These are all clients?
-Yeah, all these clients.
373
00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:10,763
All these cases are,
are sitting in court,
374
00:17:10,829 --> 00:17:12,898
-waiting for a court
date, you know?
-Wilson: Alright.
375
00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:17,636
What if I like
wanted to try
376
00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:20,339
-to be friends
with my tenants?
-(laughs)
377
00:17:20,406 --> 00:17:22,441
I feel sorry for you.
378
00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:25,611
Wilson: (stammers)
Why's that?
379
00:17:25,677 --> 00:17:27,713
It doesn't work out.
Doesn't work out.
380
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:30,115
I've been living
here five years.
381
00:17:30,182 --> 00:17:33,318
My landlord and I,
we have a great relationship.
382
00:17:33,385 --> 00:17:35,921
We kid around,
we don't have a problem.
383
00:17:36,555 --> 00:17:38,123
But I'm sure
384
00:17:38,190 --> 00:17:40,726
that the day
I don't pay my rent,
385
00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:44,630
that, that friendship
goes out the window.
386
00:17:44,696 --> 00:17:47,466
Wilson: So wait,
your landlord lives here?
387
00:17:47,533 --> 00:17:49,234
Yeah, yeah.
He's across the hall.
388
00:17:49,301 --> 00:17:50,836
Wilson: Oh really?
Could we talk to him?
389
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:52,938
-Yeah, let me just go get him.
-Wilson: Oh, okay.
390
00:17:57,109 --> 00:17:59,845
Quick Evic Owner:
He's asking me is it possible
391
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,547
to be friends with the landlord.
392
00:18:02,514 --> 00:18:04,383
Landlord:
(indistinct yelling)
393
00:18:04,450 --> 00:18:07,953
-Quick Evic: Come on! Come on.
-Landlord: I don't
wanna be on that shit!
394
00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:09,922
Wilson:
I just wanted to see if
you wanted to talk about
395
00:18:09,988 --> 00:18:12,024
-how you have
a nice relationship.
-Landlord: No, no, no.
396
00:18:12,090 --> 00:18:15,060
-Quick Evic: Okay,
his question is--
-Landlord: You doing that?!
397
00:18:15,127 --> 00:18:17,529
Wilson:
No, no. The light--
Sorry, the light is off.
398
00:18:17,596 --> 00:18:20,466
You gotta take the emotion
out of the equation.
399
00:18:20,532 --> 00:18:22,801
If you're gonna be a landlord,
be a landlord.
400
00:18:22,868 --> 00:18:24,703
If you're gonna be
a friend, be a friend,
401
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:25,971
but you can't be both.
402
00:18:27,206 --> 00:18:28,774
Wilson:
Maybe he was right.
403
00:18:28,841 --> 00:18:31,543
Maybe you can't be two
people at the same time.
404
00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:32,945
♪ ♪
405
00:18:33,011 --> 00:18:35,080
You always thought
your landlord
406
00:18:35,147 --> 00:18:37,015
struck the perfect balance,
407
00:18:37,082 --> 00:18:40,052
but even she got to be
a little suffocating.
408
00:18:40,118 --> 00:18:42,521
And after a while,
you kinda wished
409
00:18:42,588 --> 00:18:44,790
you could just wash
your own underwear.
410
00:18:46,191 --> 00:18:48,727
Maybe the secret to a good
relationship with your tenants
411
00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:52,130
is to have as much distance
between you as possible.
412
00:18:52,197 --> 00:18:53,999
My name is John,
413
00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:56,869
and I am a,
414
00:18:56,935 --> 00:19:00,305
what's called, a land baron
in "Second Life."
415
00:19:00,372 --> 00:19:01,840
I've got a real estate office,
416
00:19:01,907 --> 00:19:04,576
and when people
teleport into the office,
417
00:19:04,643 --> 00:19:06,845
they can look at pieces of land
418
00:19:06,912 --> 00:19:09,381
and talk to an agent
and figure out
419
00:19:09,448 --> 00:19:11,116
which island
they want to buy, or.
420
00:19:11,183 --> 00:19:13,385
Yeah, here we are.
421
00:19:13,452 --> 00:19:16,889
This is my office.
This is the director, Lorak.
422
00:19:16,955 --> 00:19:19,424
Every single avatar,
there's another real person
423
00:19:19,491 --> 00:19:21,293
-on the other end.
-Wilson: Oh, she's...
424
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:23,395
-Wait, so is this
like a 9-to-5?
-John: Yeah.
425
00:19:23,462 --> 00:19:25,197
Wilson:
So, she has to stand there?
426
00:19:25,264 --> 00:19:28,300
-John: Um... yeah.
-Wilson: Eight hours a day?
427
00:19:28,367 --> 00:19:30,869
And she's saying,
"Good to see you, sir."
428
00:19:30,936 --> 00:19:34,239
-Wilson: Oh.
-So, that was really sweet
of her. And she's really...
429
00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:36,642
really attractive.
430
00:19:36,708 --> 00:19:38,710
-Just really nice.
-Wilson: Yeah.
431
00:19:38,777 --> 00:19:40,879
John:
She's really...
gorgeous. (laughs)
432
00:19:40,946 --> 00:19:43,849
Wilson:
So how much does a month
of rent at a property cost?
433
00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:46,018
Four hundred, U.S.
434
00:19:46,084 --> 00:19:47,786
-Wilson: Four hundred
U.S. dollars?
-Yes.
435
00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:50,088
For a smaller property, 125.
436
00:19:50,155 --> 00:19:52,891
Occasionally, we'll get
a tenant that doesn't pay,
437
00:19:52,958 --> 00:19:55,460
and we'll have to go
438
00:19:55,527 --> 00:19:59,197
and talk with him,
and eventually evict them,
439
00:19:59,264 --> 00:20:02,401
which I really don't like
to do. I try not to do.
440
00:20:02,467 --> 00:20:05,504
Then they'll explain like,
"Oh, my cat had surgery,
441
00:20:05,571 --> 00:20:07,306
and I can't pay this
month, so just--"
442
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:10,342
-Wilson: Wait, their real
cat got surgery or--
-John: Yeah.
443
00:20:10,409 --> 00:20:11,843
Wilson:
So it's a lot like
444
00:20:11,910 --> 00:20:14,179
getting physically
evicted from a real place.
445
00:20:14,246 --> 00:20:16,281
It is, and it can
be as traumatic,
446
00:20:16,348 --> 00:20:19,551
and I really feel
for the people
447
00:20:19,618 --> 00:20:21,653
that, that we do this to.
448
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:24,122
I've had several
threaten to sue me
449
00:20:24,189 --> 00:20:26,592
in real-life court,
450
00:20:26,658 --> 00:20:28,694
and I've had other
kind of threats,
451
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:31,229
and if there's
any way to avoid it,
I would love to do it,
452
00:20:31,296 --> 00:20:33,532
but it does--
it does hurt.
453
00:20:33,599 --> 00:20:35,601
Where does the empathy stop,
454
00:20:35,667 --> 00:20:37,336
and the rubber meet the road?
455
00:20:37,402 --> 00:20:38,604
Where do you have to,
you know,
456
00:20:38,670 --> 00:20:41,440
draw a line in the sand
and go out of business
457
00:20:41,506 --> 00:20:44,009
over someone's feelings?
458
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:45,711
♪ ♪
459
00:20:45,777 --> 00:20:48,647
Wilson:
Maybe, no matter what
reality you're in,
460
00:20:48,714 --> 00:20:51,083
being a landlord is
always going to cost you
461
00:20:51,149 --> 00:20:53,385
a piece of your humanity,
462
00:20:53,452 --> 00:20:55,487
and there's no easy way out.
463
00:20:59,391 --> 00:21:01,159
Whenever I need
a place to think,
464
00:21:01,226 --> 00:21:03,595
I like to do a full loop
465
00:21:03,662 --> 00:21:05,530
on the Staten Island Ferry
466
00:21:05,597 --> 00:21:09,101
because it's free, and you
get a great view of the city.
467
00:21:09,167 --> 00:21:11,536
People are also kinda
stuck on there,
468
00:21:11,603 --> 00:21:14,039
so they usually don't
mind talking to you.
469
00:21:17,776 --> 00:21:20,245
Wilson: Four hours...
470
00:21:20,312 --> 00:21:23,248
The closing date on the house
was only a couple days away,
471
00:21:23,315 --> 00:21:27,119
and I still felt completely
unprepared to take on a tenant.
472
00:21:27,185 --> 00:21:29,688
Maybe I wasn't ready for
all the responsibility
473
00:21:29,755 --> 00:21:32,557
that comes with owning
a piece of New York,
474
00:21:32,624 --> 00:21:36,561
and I should just sail away
and never come back.
475
00:21:38,263 --> 00:21:41,667
But a big part of me always
wanted to grow old here.
476
00:21:41,733 --> 00:21:44,169
♪ ♪
477
00:21:44,236 --> 00:21:47,172
On the ride back, I struck up
a conversation with someone
478
00:21:47,239 --> 00:21:50,008
who seemed really
good at entertaining.
479
00:21:50,075 --> 00:21:52,010
And it looked like he'd
been doing it for a while.
480
00:21:52,077 --> 00:21:54,846
-I know, looks pretty cool,
doesn't it?
-Wilson: (laughs) Yeah.
481
00:21:54,913 --> 00:21:56,581
And I don't even do
this kind of magic.
482
00:21:56,648 --> 00:21:58,250
I just like having the skill.
483
00:21:58,316 --> 00:22:00,786
Wilson:
It turned out he was
actually a ventriloquist,
484
00:22:00,852 --> 00:22:03,789
and he was on his way
to a gig in the city.
485
00:22:03,855 --> 00:22:05,991
What do you do for a living?
What do you do?
486
00:22:09,661 --> 00:22:11,963
Ventriloquist: You're a driver?
Truck driver? Really?
487
00:22:12,030 --> 00:22:14,299
-Yes! Yes!
-I can do an impression
of you as a truck driver.
488
00:22:14,366 --> 00:22:15,534
(driver laughs)
489
00:22:16,468 --> 00:22:17,769
(ventriloquist and Wilson laugh)
490
00:22:17,836 --> 00:22:19,971
What are you doing?
"I'm a truck driver." Okay.
491
00:22:20,038 --> 00:22:21,640
Wilson:
He really cheered me up.
492
00:22:21,707 --> 00:22:24,643
And when I told him
that I might be doing
a lot of entertaining soon,
493
00:22:24,710 --> 00:22:28,346
he actually invited me
to visit him at his house
494
00:22:28,413 --> 00:22:30,449
to teach me a thing or two.
495
00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:31,483
♪ ♪
496
00:22:31,550 --> 00:22:33,018
He had a really nice place
497
00:22:33,085 --> 00:22:36,121
with a spotless
dining room set,
498
00:22:37,122 --> 00:22:39,758
a piano that played itself,
499
00:22:39,825 --> 00:22:41,460
and a whole room
in the basement
500
00:22:41,526 --> 00:22:43,995
devoted to his
collection of dummies.
501
00:22:44,062 --> 00:22:46,431
"I like his glasses." Yeah.
"They're really huge."
502
00:22:46,498 --> 00:22:48,133
Yeah. Well, that's not nice.
503
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,569
And, uh-- "They're really huge."
Yeah, they're pretty thick.
504
00:22:50,635 --> 00:22:52,938
"Get some contacts,
Johnny." Okay...
505
00:22:53,004 --> 00:22:55,006
That's not nice, huh?
Tell him you're sorry.
506
00:22:55,073 --> 00:22:56,942
"I'm sorry you're blind."
Alright.
507
00:22:57,008 --> 00:22:59,845
Wilson:
I was angry at the doll
for, for mocking me,
508
00:22:59,911 --> 00:23:02,414
but somehow, I couldn't
hold it against the man
509
00:23:02,481 --> 00:23:04,616
who was actually
making him do it.
510
00:23:04,683 --> 00:23:07,652
Are you usually the nice guy
and the puppet is the mean guy?
511
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:11,323
Yeah, kinda. Kinda.
"Uh-huh."
512
00:23:11,389 --> 00:23:13,925
I mean, I'm telling
him don't do that,
513
00:23:13,992 --> 00:23:16,328
so, in a sense, yeah.
"Uh-huh."
514
00:23:16,394 --> 00:23:18,196
But, it's coming from my head,
so you're splitting
515
00:23:18,263 --> 00:23:19,631
your personality on some level
516
00:23:19,698 --> 00:23:22,334
'cause you're writing
what he would say,
517
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:25,871
and then performing it
as if it wasn't you.
518
00:23:25,937 --> 00:23:27,873
It's kinda interesting,
you know?
519
00:23:27,939 --> 00:23:30,842
I would never do what
these people say.
520
00:23:30,909 --> 00:23:33,545
Never. You get away with
murder with this stuff.
521
00:23:33,612 --> 00:23:35,180
Wilson:
I'd never thought
of that before.
522
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:38,750
That you could be two different
people at the same time.
523
00:23:38,817 --> 00:23:41,920
Maybe he had found the secret
to being confrontational
524
00:23:41,987 --> 00:23:44,222
without damaging relationships.
525
00:23:44,289 --> 00:23:48,527
And maybe all I needed
was something like this
in my life.
526
00:23:48,593 --> 00:23:50,061
I'm hoping I'm able
to do a special
527
00:23:50,128 --> 00:23:52,430
where we can break down
the social barriers
528
00:23:52,497 --> 00:23:55,167
and the political barriers.
529
00:23:55,233 --> 00:23:58,170
I just really want
people to let go
530
00:23:58,236 --> 00:24:01,039
and enjoy,
and life is short.
531
00:24:01,106 --> 00:24:03,008
Wilson:
He seemed like a kind soul,
532
00:24:03,074 --> 00:24:05,443
and he gave me a lot
to think about.
533
00:24:05,510 --> 00:24:08,580
But just as I was about
to leave, I realized that
534
00:24:08,647 --> 00:24:11,683
maybe he wasn't the best
role model after all.
535
00:24:11,750 --> 00:24:14,786
Ventriloquist:
Do what you love and then
you never work a day, right?
536
00:24:14,853 --> 00:24:17,756
-Wilson: Oh. No, you don't...
-So, Smokey. "Yeah."
537
00:24:17,823 --> 00:24:19,758
Tell him what you do for
a living. "Uh-uh." Why?
538
00:24:19,825 --> 00:24:21,626
"Maybe he's a cop."
He's not a cop. "No?" No.
539
00:24:21,693 --> 00:24:23,862
-Wilson: Um--
-He's a regular guy.
"Is he really?" Yeah.
540
00:24:23,929 --> 00:24:25,597
Tell him what you do.
"Uh-uh."
Smokey's a pimp.
541
00:24:25,664 --> 00:24:27,732
"Don't tell him that." Why?
"Ain't politically correct."
542
00:24:27,799 --> 00:24:29,935
What are you?
"I'm a physical relationship
facilitator."
543
00:24:30,001 --> 00:24:31,736
Wilson:
I think I have
everything I need.
544
00:24:34,773 --> 00:24:37,809
(playing classical melody)
545
00:24:43,248 --> 00:24:45,283
When the closing date arrives,
546
00:24:45,350 --> 00:24:47,752
you head to the lawyer's
office and you sit down
547
00:24:47,819 --> 00:24:50,589
to finalize everything.
548
00:24:50,655 --> 00:24:52,357
They keep you in separate rooms
549
00:24:52,424 --> 00:24:54,426
until all the paperwork
is filed,
550
00:24:54,492 --> 00:24:56,428
so that there's no foul play.
551
00:24:56,494 --> 00:24:57,896
And then,
552
00:24:57,963 --> 00:25:00,098
you sign everything
that they hand you
553
00:25:00,165 --> 00:25:02,434
without reading a single page.
554
00:25:03,568 --> 00:25:05,704
Then, you can finally reunite
555
00:25:05,770 --> 00:25:08,473
and celebrate with
your former landlord,
556
00:25:08,540 --> 00:25:10,909
who now, for one night only,
557
00:25:10,976 --> 00:25:14,346
is actually your new tenant.
558
00:25:14,412 --> 00:25:15,947
(piano ends)
559
00:25:17,048 --> 00:25:18,016
♪ ♪
560
00:25:18,083 --> 00:25:20,852
She uses the time
you have left together
561
00:25:20,919 --> 00:25:23,388
to pass everything
she knows down to you.
562
00:25:23,455 --> 00:25:25,223
Oh, put your knee there?
563
00:25:25,290 --> 00:25:26,758
(whirring)
564
00:25:26,825 --> 00:25:28,994
Wilson: Oh, okay.
I gotta learn how to sew.
565
00:25:31,396 --> 00:25:33,665
Oh, the oil is right here.
Oh, okay.
566
00:25:45,577 --> 00:25:47,379
Wilson:
Oh, for the bathroom.
567
00:25:47,445 --> 00:25:49,748
Yeah, I always
liked these. Yeah.
568
00:25:49,814 --> 00:25:53,151
These are beautiful...
Okay, I'll take them.
569
00:25:53,218 --> 00:25:56,588
You're gonna miss
her a whole lot.
570
00:25:56,655 --> 00:25:58,423
But you know
in your heart that
571
00:25:58,490 --> 00:26:02,093
she'll just be loving
you somewhere else.
572
00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:04,663
And after all
her stuff was gone,
573
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:07,432
and she vacuumed all
the dirt off the floor,
574
00:26:07,499 --> 00:26:09,734
her last words to you were,
575
00:26:09,801 --> 00:26:13,038
"Have a nice day.
Have a nice life."
576
00:26:13,104 --> 00:26:15,407
And after a big hug,
577
00:26:15,473 --> 00:26:19,210
she takes nearly a million
dollars of your money and...
578
00:26:19,277 --> 00:26:20,679
♪ ♪
579
00:26:20,745 --> 00:26:23,915
flies nonstop to Las Vegas.
580
00:26:23,982 --> 00:26:25,917
And even though
you try to make the house
581
00:26:25,984 --> 00:26:28,553
your own in little ways,
582
00:26:28,620 --> 00:26:30,221
you'll try to keep
all the good traditions
583
00:26:30,288 --> 00:26:33,458
that your landlord started.
584
00:26:33,525 --> 00:26:36,995
And make sure that nobody
forgets who was here before.
585
00:26:38,596 --> 00:26:41,466
And no matter who ends up
living in your vacant unit,
586
00:26:41,533 --> 00:26:45,103
you're guaranteed to always
have a great relationship
587
00:26:45,170 --> 00:26:47,872
because if you ever have
any conflicts with them,
588
00:26:47,939 --> 00:26:50,542
you thankfully now
have a healthy way
589
00:26:50,608 --> 00:26:54,312
to deliver the message
without getting personal.
590
00:26:55,580 --> 00:26:58,249
It might take a little
practice to get it right,
591
00:26:58,316 --> 00:27:00,452
but it should work fine,
592
00:27:00,518 --> 00:27:03,054
as long as you don't
take it too far.
593
00:27:04,155 --> 00:27:06,191
And as you watch the rain fall
594
00:27:06,257 --> 00:27:08,593
gently on your new house,
595
00:27:08,660 --> 00:27:12,464
you can finally be at peace,
knowing that you have
596
00:27:12,530 --> 00:27:15,667
a sense of stability for
the first time in your life.
597
00:27:17,202 --> 00:27:18,636
And if you're ever
worried about
598
00:27:18,703 --> 00:27:21,406
making big decisions
in the future,
599
00:27:21,473 --> 00:27:23,141
all you have to do is just
600
00:27:23,208 --> 00:27:25,343
listen to that little
voice in your head,
601
00:27:25,410 --> 00:27:27,846
and everything
should be just fine.
602
00:27:29,748 --> 00:27:32,550
This is John Wilson.
Thanks for watching.
603
00:27:32,617 --> 00:27:35,620
♪ ♪