Hi.
Should have rung ahead! Shit.
Are you having a baby as well?
IAN HITS BELL Well, it doesn't matter, does it?
What's going on? I'm sure they're coming. I dinged the bell.
Hello, emergency! What the fuck are they playing at back there?
OK, to be fair, they're probably understaffed.
Oh, now I feel terrible.
OK! I'm here. I'm here.
Let's stop the horrible noise.
My wife is having a contraction.
Not right now, I'm not.
Well, she's in the right place. How far apart?
Oh, I don't know. I should have been there, but I wasn't.
RECEPTIONIST NURSE GASPS
What's wrong?
Are you Tom Kapoor?
Ugh, now is not the time. He's a close friend.
Are you with the group?
No, I just forgot this in the car.
Because you know what?
I know of an empty room if you... if you'd like the privacy.
Yes, yes. Sorry, we would like the privacy.
We're with him, with Tom Kapoor. Tom Kapoor.
So, yeah, we'll need that room now, yeah.
KATE GROANS IN PAIN
Shit! Should she be in this much pain?
This doesn't seem normal.
She's in labour, Ian, this is fine. I'm going to get a doctor.
No, no, no, you don't have to do that.
This should not be happening like this.
Tom, with me.
Ohhh.
Oh. Coming out of it?
OK. Yeah.
Finishing up? Yeah. All right, come on.
Let's get ready for the next one. Oh!
Yes, there we go.
Fucking hell!
No-one's ever been in this much pain before.
Oh...
Remember when my appendix burst, though?
This is worse than that.
OK.
The nurse called me brave.
Thank you for looking after me.
That's what I'm here for.
Look, can I ask you one more thing?
And this will be the last thing, I promise.
It doesn't have to be the last thing. Don't be stupid. OK.
I need you to get me a Twix,
a Diet Coke... OK. ..a packet of ready salted crisps,
and... something else sweet that surprises me.
OK, I can do that.
Are you writing this down?
No, I'll just go now. Sorry.
Do you have any cash, or...?
Are you serious? Sorry. Yeah.
Twix. Yep.
Crisps. Coke.
Surprise. Surprise. Yes. Fuck.
Hey.
Hey. How's Ian?
Not great. Still trying to find a printer for his birth plan.
I'm sorry about what I said at the stag.
I just... It's fine, you were drunk.
I know you didn't mean any of it.
OK. Well, I guess I'll be off, then.
OK. See you.
VENDING MACHINE WHIRS
I did mean it.
I was drunk, but I meant what I said.
And I don't really know what to do about it.
Oh, there she is.
What? Jessie!
Hi, hi.
Wow! Where's Kate? She's in room four.
Oh, hey, man. Hi.
You really do just show up places, don't you?
Down to the left.
I'll be there in a second.
I don't want to do this right now.
I'm sorry. I don't have to stay. No, no.
If it's for Ian, then stay.
But I don't want to make today about this.
Should we turn the heating up in here?
Put your shirt back on.
I want to be ready for skin to skin.
Oh, I love skin to skin.
Oh, Jessie, choccy, thanks!
You know, I didn't think I had any gas
when I had Olive. Sarah.
What? It's just an observation.
Sarah handles pain really well. I do, yeah.
And so does Kate, probably.
Which is good, because it only gets worse. Oh, God, does it?
OK, can we just stop talking about how much pain Kate is in
or is going to be in or just any of that, please?
Well, I just wish someone had told me.
We could talk about Tom. What's Tom doing here?
Tom is only here because he gave me a lift after squash.
Jessie has nothing to do with it, OK? Enough.
Yes, enough now. All right!
Jeez, I'm just trying to lighten the mood.
Honestly, it's freezing in here!
Aaagh!
BOTH MEN EXCLAIM
Jesus Christ.
PHONE PINGS
We never get celebs through here. Oh.
We had that one bloke that looked like Harrison Ford.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, he was gorgeous.
Thank you for printing this. It's for my friend.
Oh, you're welcome, darling. That'll be 20 quid.
NURSES LAUGH
Oh, very good.
She's a bloody wind-up, this one.
Oh, my days.
Tom Kapoor! No pictures.
Listen, you have got to come and say hi to my wife.
She just had a bloody mental labour.
I've actually got to get back... One second.
Come on, she'll never forgive me otherwise. Please, say yes.
Fresh baby. Come on. OK, yeah.
Just one second.
Oh, what a good man.
Come on.
Jesus, you look a state.
Really?
I think it's nice you two have worked things out.
Yeah, who apologised first?
It was mutual. She's learned her lesson now.
There was no lesson to be learned, it was just a miscommunication.
Hey, don't speak to me like that while I'm in labour.
I think I'm going to put my shirt on just for a bit,
but I will leave it unzipped.
Oh, my God, Jessie, I forgot.
♪ Happy birthday to you
♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪ Oh, stop!
♪ Happy birthday, dear... ♪
You get the idea.
What happened there? Sorry we didn't come.
Yeah, did anyone show up to the pub?
No, actually, not one single person...
Oh, no, Amelia.
Fuck. Amelia? Yeah. Wow.
No, out of that.
How are you doing, love?
She's not good.
I'm OK. OK, well, let's have a little look, shall we?
And then we might be able to take you to the delivery suite.
I think a bit of privacy might be a good idea.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Ian, you stay.
Stay, yeah.
I stay. I stay.
You're doing really well.
Thanks. No.
Look who it is, babes.
Just wanted to pop by and say congratulations.
Oh, thank you.
Sorry, who are you? Tom.
Tom Kapoor, baby. Oh.
Tom Kapoor.
Do you work for Mads?
Yeah.
OK.
Do you want to hold him? Oh, no. You're OK.
Come on.
Oh... OK.
BABY FUSSES There you go.
OK... OK.
You've got to give him a smell. The smell is insane.
Yeah, go on.
Oh.
Yeah.
Really good.
Mm-hm.
Do you have kids, Tom Kapoor?
No.
Maybe one day.
OK. Put your legs down.
KATE GROANS
Jessie, these pillows are a bit thin.
I'm going to go home and get her pillows. No, no, no, don't do that.
I'm going to leave you to it for a bit. I'll be back soon. OK?
All right, all right. Yeah. OK.
Ian, I need a poo. OK, a poo.
Is that normal? No. A poo?
OK. No, no, it is! It's fine.
Women poo. OK. It's fine.
You're about to see a lot more, OK?
All right. Brace yourself.
Oh, whoa! What?!
Dan? What the hell?
Oh, my God.
This is crazy!
It's... Jessie.
Jessie, Jessie. Jessie, Jessie. Yeah. Jessie.
Jessie. Yes, of course. Oh, my God.
So what are you doing here? Are you having a baby?
No. No. Right. OK, right.
Yeah. What are you doing here?
Well, Claire's in there now
and, yeah, number two's on its way. Excuse me?
Yeah. Claire-Claire? With the fringe, fringe Claire?
Yeah, the fringe is back! Oh, my God, that's amazing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Congratulations, that's... You?
Yeah. Having... kids?
Yeah. That's full-on. It's a lot. Wow.
Yeah. That's amazing. Well, Kate's in there right now.
She's having her first. No way! Oh, my God.
Like, the first is great.
You know, just when they're still,
like, all small and cute, you know.
You know what I mean, anyway.
No, because I don't have kids.
Do you not have kids? No, I don't. Right, oh, right.
Do you want kids, or...? Um...
Oh, are you allowed to ask someone that these days? No.
Fuck, no.
Because of feminism and everything, so... Yeah.
I mean, you're... We're both fans of it, so that's cool.
But no kids for you.
Er...
Yeah, I don't know.
Don't know if I'm bothered.
Yeah, yeah.
Fair enough. Yeah. So, how's things for you?
What's going on? Oh, are you still with Tom?
Er, no. No, I'm...
Yeah, we broke up ages ago.
Oh, joking me.
Oh, man!
That is rubbish.
I'm sorry.
But, hey, maybe you guys will get back together, huh?
There's a thought. Yeah, that'd be fun.
Anyway, listen, I've got to get a jelly from the canteen.
I was supposed to get it, like, 45 minutes ago for Claire,
but, you know, she was like, "Aaah!", so I just...
It was nice to see you. You too.
Honestly, I'm very... I'm so happy for you.
Listen, you need to stop smoking.
Yes, shut up. OK.
Round two!
Bye, Dan.
You all right, mate?
Yeah.
Yeah, just hydrating.
How's everything going?
Yeah, it was all, er...
It was all getting a bit much in there.
A lot of shouting and swearing.
Really? Yeah.
Kate said I needed to cool off.
It's all right to be nervous.
Yeah, I am quite nervous.
I know I've been hiding it quite well.
I'm going to mess this up so bad.
Mess what up?
Just all of it.
I'm not even sure if I'm meant to be a dad.
I don't think anyone's meant to be a dad.
I don't know if anyone's meant to be anything.
My dad would always say, in life, you just have to pick a direction
and go with it.
Is that from one of your movies?
No.
No, it's from my dad.
It's good advice.
Yeah.
Yeah, it is, actually.
You're going to be great.
I'm going to set up a pension for the baby.
That's a good idea.
Oh, why is it taking so long?
Is it meant to take this long?
I think it can sometimes, yeah.
I'm so tired.
I know.
Come on, come on.
Ohh. You good? Yeah. OK.
OK, love.
Let's see how you're doing.
Here we go. Where's Ian?
You sent him outside. Oh, I miss him.
He should come back.
OK, a bit of pressure.
Oh, do you want me to leave or...? What else have you got on?
OK.
Baby's breech,
which means he's upside down.
Ugh! It's already disobeying me.
I'm going to start preparing for a C-section.
No, no, no.
Let's just wait a bit longer.
I know this all feels like it's happening really fast, OK,
but the doctor would agree it's better to be cautious.
All right?
Maybe your friend here can go and find your husband.
Yeah.
Yep.
All right. You're doing really well, love.
THEY CHAT QUIETLY
Ian, you've got to get back to the room.
Kate's getting ready for surgery. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. No, the baby's fine.
Are you OK? How are you still here?
Jessie!
Jessie! Hi! They're taking me to a second location.
That's fine. That's great news.
It just means you're about to have a baby. Could you walk a bit faster?
We really do have places to be.
Can't back out now, can I?
Oh, no, I don't think so, but you're going to be fine.
Everything's going to be fine, OK?
You're going to be fine as well. OK?
I love you! I love you too.
Bye!
Attention!
Kate has just given birth
to the most beautiful baby in the world!
Is she OK?
Mother, father and baby are doing well.
Is it a boy or a girl?
Oh, I don't know. I forgot to ask.
It's a baby, though! It's a baby.
It's a baby. Nice one, man!
Oh!
Sorry. I'll be right back.
QUIET CHATTER
LINE RINGS
Hey, it's Tom. Leave a message.
Yeah, I know. It just all happened really quickly.
Yeah.
Mm-hm.
I'm still in my squash gear.
Yeah.
Me too.
I love you too.
OK. Bye.
DOOR THUDS SOFTLY
Sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt.
I tried to give you a call that... the baby's here.
That's great.
Is everyone OK?
Yeah.
Kate and the baby are.
Ian's a little touch and go.
This is a bit on the nose, isn't it?
Yeah, well, it's the only place I could make a phone call
without being asked to sniff a baby, so...
You know, I used to think about our wedding all the time.
Really? Mmm.
Yeah, all the time.
But you never wanted to get married.
I know, but, you know, I don't like the legal bit, but...
...I like party planning.
So, go on, then.
What was it like?
Oh, OK.
Well...
I actually hate the idea of walking down the aisle.
So if it were me, I would sort of break into a light jog.
A jog? Yeah.
OK, I'll show you. Just, you know, a classy one.
OK. Hey. Oh, hi!
Oh, ow. Oh! Oh.
Ow.
You OK? Yeah.
Just clumsy.
So who's the celebrant?
Well, I was...
I was hoping we could use one of your celebrity contacts,
get someone high-profile.
I think Vin Diesel is ordained. Is he?
If he isn't, he should be.
OK.
All right.
I guess Vin Diesel is marrying us, and he's wearing sunglasses.
Very cool.
Yeah.
Jessica Simpson sings a song.
Rowan Atkinson reads a poem.
A really long poem, though, and everyone gets really bored,
but Vin Diesel brings the energy back up. He's a professional.
And then Vin says to us...
"Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
And I'd say...
"..I think you're doing this with the wrong person"...
...and that we've always wanted different things.
That's not going to change.
And even though we loved each other so much...
...I think we're pretty stupid
to think it can't happen with someone else.
Because it has, hasn't it?
I'm sorry. Don't be sorry.
I'm sorry.
Those are pretty shit vows.
Yeah, I was improvising.
This is it, isn't it?
Yeah.
I'm so happy for you, though.
I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am.
I'm really happy for you too.
If you're happy.
I am.
DOOR OPENS
Oh.
Apologies.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Oh...
THEY LAUGH
Oh.
I should go.
Clem's waiting up for me.
Bye.
Jessie.
Do you want to hold my baby?
Oh, yes.
The middle name's going to be Jessie.
RAIN PATTERS OUTSIDE
It's not a great middle name, to be honest. Well, we'll think about it.
Keep your options open. Nothing's set in stone. Yeah.
Hey. Leave a message.
Hey.
Er...
Sorry I didn't ring until now, but the baby came,
which is exciting.
Um...
Yeah, I just wanted to ring and say thank you for everything yesterday.
Yeah. Sorry you were the first person I thought of to ring,
but you were.
Um...
But, yeah.
OK.
Get in.
You're soaked. Thanks.
You stayed.
Yeah.
So, er, did she have the baby?
Yeah.
Nice.
Oh, um...
Here.
Happy birthday, for yesterday.
It's all they had at the petrol station.
Thanks.
So where do you want to go?
Dunno.