(grunts)
(clothes flapping)
BOTH: (moaning)
(background noise overlapping)
(whistles)
NEIGHBOR: (moaning)
(yawns)
(mattress creaks)
(chill electronic music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(upbeat music)
My good sirs, thank you for joining me here.
This is our apartment.
Well, thank you for inviting me.
KEVIN: You asked to come over.
Mmm.
Do either of you know what this is?
‐Paper. ‐Yeah, paper.
Paper. From the DMV.
(gasps) No!
And I'm supposed to fill it out and get a new ID card.
But it's super long, and I don't want to.
Let's throw it in the trash.
Tanya, there's only three lines to fill out.
Easy peasy.
Kevin, there is nothing
"peasy" about this.
You want to know what's really at stake?
‐Lives? ‐This.
‐Whoa. ‐TANYA: My old ID.
Ooh, Tanya, you look cool as hell there.
How are you wearing sunglasses?
Isn't that illegal?
It's not about how cool I look,
or what laws I broke.
Check out the address.
123 Street Street. That's your old street!
Old Street Street.
We had good times at that place.
And when I look at this ID,
I remember those times.
It's like a little time machine in my pocket.
Now, Tanya, that's a beautiful concept,
but this ID's been expired for weeks.
Is that why you keep asking me to buy you beer?
I'm getting a new ID, I am.
But I want to procrastinate for as long as possible,
because I hate it. And that's why I'm here!
I need distractions.
Well, if you're gonna procrastinate,
let's at least do something fun.
No. True procrastination
requires the appearance of work.
Cleaning a room, organizing a desk.
Ah! I've got it!
Come on, meeting adjourned.
Can he adjourn your meeting?
We're going off‐book on this one.
Mm. This is how institutions erode.
(electronic music)
I didn't know you guys had a backyard.
ERNESTO: Yeah, our landlord said it's dangerous,
but I say with a little work,
this could be our own secret paradise.
Huh. I can totally see it.
We clear out the bushes, ooh, we put up some lights.
Pretty soon, we've got a place to make new memories, right?
And this would easily take up my whole weekend.
It'll be like my DMV paperwork doesn't even exist!
Let's get started!
Okay, I guess I'll help, too,
but only because I love making memories.
I call it new nostalgia.
(upbeat music)
Huh. Lot bigger on the inside.
All right, let's go that way.
Why don't we just start here?
I've already got a pile going.
Hmm, doesn't feel like the right place.
Tanya, are you procrastinating
your procrastination now?
Because that's twice as bad. Maybe even three times!
Heck, maybe even four!
(groans) Kevin, we get it.
You're good at math.
But let's follow Tanya. This was her idea.
No, this was your idea.
Wait, you never sent that email, did you?
(scoffs) What?
What email?
Oh, Ernesto was supposed to email
his college friend, Pietro,
that he can't make it to his wedding.
But Ernesto's been putting it off for weeks.
Almost like some kind of procrastination?
Wait, why don't you want to go to Pietro's wedding?
I thought he played keyboards?
He's sick at keyboards.
But I don't know any of his friends now.
And I'd have to go alone. What if they don't like me?
What if they like me too much and it gets weird?
It's just a lot of pressure.
But saying no, that's also pressure.
It is a high‐pressure situation,
like my ID card in many ways.
Yeah, and what if wandering
around this improbable forest isn't the answer?
Are we making things worse for ourselves?
Hmm. Kev, you've sort of been
the voice of reason today.
‐KEVIN: (chuckling) ‐Kev? Kev!
Whoo! (laughter)
What? There's like a million flowers!
And they're all different, beautiful colors.
We should live here!
Hey, Kev! Come on!
(ominous music)
(chill electronic music)
‐Swan Boy. ‐(guitar music)
Oh, man, yeah, I'm telling you, this is how people
in the olden days used to get off.
I'm sorry, what olden days?
What am I, a fucking historian?
Hey, isn't that your‐‐
A 1980 Plymouth Reliant
caused massive delays when its driver
"Had to teach a bee a lesson."
So, the bee got in my car,
and I started driving real slow
to let it know I'm not just handing out
free rides over here.
Ass, gas, or grass. Nobody rides for free.
Now obviously this bee has no gas or grass,
but then I got to thinking, ass?
Ah! My uncle's in town.
Wasn't supposed to be like this.
I thought he was managing a tropical‐themed restaurant
in Myrtle Beach.
That's supposed to be time‐consuming.
That's a lot of ambiance to manage.
I thought you loved your uncle.
Oh, sure. When I was a kid, he was great.
Fun, irresponsible,
undiagnosed.
He was the original Swan Boy.
Well, what changed?
You know how when you try to make plans
with me for more than 12 hours in the future,
I black out?
You black out a lot.
If I can't handle looking down the barrel
of 12 hours into my future,
I sure as shit can't handle 30 years.
Relax, you'll probably be dead in 30 years.
Don't try to comfort me.
I've just gotta do the responsible thing.
Make plans with him and then bail.
Ah, shit! I forgot to bail.
Well, it's good to see you, Swan Boy.
It's been too long.
I know what you're probably thinking.
"What's a cool guy like my Uncle Herman
doing in a dump like this?"
Well, I'll tell you the short version.
I'm in town for my 40th high school reunion.
Okay, that seems like not really any of my‐‐
Fine, twist my arm.
I'll tell you the medium version.
I had to leave Myrtle Beach
because there's a hit out on me.
Okay, well, that doesn't concern‐‐
Oh, you drive a hard bargain.
The long version it is.
I'm turning my life around and starting fresh.
And it begins tonight,
by finding the love of my life
at my high school reunion.
That's why I need you to pose as my son
so that nobody from my class
will know that I'm a virgin.
Which I am a big one.
And I need you to keep the secret of my virginity
under wraps!
Ew, no way.
I'm not gonna help you with your dick problems.
Ah, you're probably right.
Just a sad old man
trying to impress friends he never had.
And for what?
To fill the void a life of irresponsibility
and recklessness has left in me?
A sad end to a sad life.
Fine, I'll help you.
Oh! You mean it?
Swan Boy, I could kiss you.
‐Don't! ‐Oh, what a relief.
I don't know how.
I'm a virgin, I tell you!
Don't tell anyone!
(yelling) I'm a virgin!
(electronic music)
Now remember, you're my son, Herman Jr.,
and you fell asleep under a tall oak tree
20 years ago, and now you're older than me.
That way I get to be the sexy one.
Now go mingle, and don't blow this for me.
This is my big chance to turn my life around.
So, as you can imagine, I've got the runs.
Jane! Where did the years go?
You know, I've been having so much sex
they had to call in the doctor to give me a stern warning.
(laughs)
Hey, who ordered the tropical hit men?
Shaka.
Nice one. Aw, thank you.
Wait, no, not nice.
(gasps) Ah, shit.
Hey, I was about to score.
Herman, you remember
how there's a hit out on you?
Rings a bell.
The hit men found you!
Rats, I was hoping they wouldn't do that.
You gotta get out of here, man.
No, Swan Boy, I don't think I will.
I'm going on stage.
What? Wait, why?
Because I'm tired of running.
Excuse me.
Look, it's Herman Dandolos.
That's right. I'm Herman Dandolos.
And I am a virgin!
ALL: (exclaim)
Oh, my God.
And, I have 10 gallons of C‐4
strapped to my body.
‐(gasps) ‐That's right.
I'm actually a thin man.
It's the explosive chemicals tricking your eyes.
Now, if those two sharks over there
take one step closer, I'll shake my trim frame
and we'll all be blown to kingdom come!
Just like Mount St. Helens!
Seniors '80!
(gulps)
Good. Now I can admit
I didn't have any C‐4 on me.
It was all a ruse. (groaning)
Oh, you're pinching me!
Ooh, you're turning my penis into an innie!
Ah!
(sirens wail)
Well, looks like I'm going away for a while.
Apparently you're not supposed to do that.
Yeah, well, at least you didn't get murdered.
You're right.
Nothing solves a problem
like creating a bigger problem.
Like global warming. Just make it hotter!
You're right!
I don't have to worry about getting old
as long as I keep living like an idiot.
(siren wails)
Swan Boy and Herman Dandolos
are still at large and are considered
the lowest possible priority.
If you have any information about their whereabouts,
maybe try to handle this one yourself.
For instance, if you see them on the road,
try to crash into them.
I don't know, get creative with it.
You're the master of your own mystery.
(electric bass music)
♪♪ ♪♪
Let's do this!
(majestic music builds)
(ominous music)
‐What the fuck? ‐TANYA: Ernesto!
Can you get through this?
(grunts) Whoa.
(whistling)
TANYA: Ooh.
KEVIN: Man.
ALL: Whoa!
(dark music)
(snoring)
Uh, who's that?
(phone ringing)
Oh, uh‐‐
(stammers)
Uh, spam call.
(grunting)
(deep roar)
Just stretching. What time is it?
It is 2:30.
I slept for 300 years?
Impressive.
My alarm didn't go off, I guess.
No worries. Time to get up.
Who are you?
I'm Tanya, and these are my bros,
‐Ernesto... ‐Hey.
‐And Kevin. ‐Hey!
What up?
I am the guardian of the forest of the backyard,
one of an ancient order of mythical beings
tasked with protecting places of natural power.
Whoo!
We're in a band.
Hey! Did you know there's a bunch
of creepy‐ass vines all over the place?
Yeah. Invasive species.
I gotta take care of that.
And also some kind of lost civilization?
GUARDIAN: Aww, they're lost?
Damn.
They were doing fine the last time I checked.
I should really take a look at that,
do a little yardwork.
We can help. We brought tools.
GUARDIAN: Wow. You brought tools.
And little hats.
You all look great. I have trimmers over there.
Hmm. But they're all rusty,
so I probably need to oil those.
(groans) That takes so long, though.
You guys want a cup of tea first?
‐Yes, please! ‐Yes, please!
Wait, are we all procrastinating now?
Ernesto, my little honey,
I am magically bound to my duties.
I literally can't not do them.
I just don't feel like doing them at this current time.
Now I'm guessing you're an herbal tea guy.
I am!
Then you're gonna love this shit.
My friend Shohorizad hooks me up.
He's an actual wizard.
ALL: Mmm.
(electronic music)
And then the Order left me here,
and they were like, "Take care of the forest."
Where do I even start?
Pfft. That's bullshit.
GUARDIAN: Yeah! Bullshit.
And very stressful.
But you know what? Hearing that you two
are also procrastinating weirdly makes me feel better
about all this.
We're like the little team that doesn't do anything.
‐Aww. ‐(tea cups clinking)
And why start now, huh?
You know, sometimes I even think
the invasive vines are a good thing.
They're nature too, right,
even if they're blighted by unknown magics?
(phone ringing)
Shohorizad! Yo, dude.
Uh‐huh, uh‐huh, yeah.
300 years. Can you believe it?
I know.
The dwellers of Orlath are all dead, apparently.
Hey, guys, were those vines there before?
No. And where's the flower tunnel?
Okay, we need to get to work now.
No more procrastination.
And I'm gonna draft an email to Pietro
in my head while we work.
Ugh, fine.
(upbeat music)
ALL: (gasp)
My pruners!
Hey, hey, hey. What the fuck is going on?
Don't worry about your tools. That's just a‐‐
little offering to the forest. Just chill.
Sit down. Yeah.
N‐‐no. We need to get to work.
There's a bunch of vines that are just overgrowing‐‐
Just chill. Okay?
Check this shit out. (speaking unknown language)
‐Uh... ‐Hi, handsome.
(ominous music)
Whoa. Three new friends.
I'll get more tea going.
(chill electronic music)
Hi. Welcome to Words with Ike.
Today's word is "dawn."
Its definition...
But here's the thing about "dawn."
There's another definition too.
I'd like to think
that's what we're trying to do here
on Words with Ike.
Word by word, we usher in a new dawn.
And once all the people,
in all the nations of the Earth,
learn those words, and realize
we're on the same page
when it comes to living life,
and on that page it says one thing‐‐
"We want to just get along and get along good, too."
I'm reminded of these words from the ancients,
that, uh, "It's always darkest right before the dawn."
Yeah, I'll give you that.
But here's another thing, too, about dawn,
is that after dawn,
things get pretty damn bright,
and damn fast too.
I've been Ike,
you've been fantastic,
and these have been words.
(rock music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(gurgling)
(calm music)
(hawk shrieks)
(gasping)
(chill music)
♪♪ ♪♪
No way. This is out of control.
Even though I know how to fix the air conditioner,
it's still not fixed.
I'm pretty sure I need a new this.
Why are you doing that? It's cold out.
It's gonna get hot eventually.
Oh! You could buy at a store.
BIT: Or we could buy online.
Fast, cheap, easy, secure payment.
But come on, we could support the community.
Or we can support ecommerce and the tech industry.
Please, come on. It'd be so fun
to go and meet people.
We already know each other.
Why do we need to meet more people?
JAMES: Because you don't show me off.
BIT: Doesn't mean I don't appreciate you.
I'm just trying to be productive and proactive.
Please? Pretty please?
Okay, fine. We can go.
But you're wrong.
Are you‐‐ (chuckles)
(eerie music)
♪♪ ♪♪
Chased that big old Rottweiler,
150 pounds, up the tree.
(bell dings)
I've never seen anything like it.
Howdy. So sorry to interrupt,
but we were wondering if you happen to carry these...
at your local store.
It's broken.
Oh, one of those.
I should have one,
but Kilgore hasn't delivered it yet.
Oh, Kilgore.
Is that the local delivery service?
No, it's just a guy.
So, you don't have the part?
We're locals.
We just moved here.
Didn't you fellas hear?
Kilgore hasn't left his house
ever since his prized fruit trees
stopped producing peaches.
If you brought him a peach,
I bet he'd give you the part.
Hmm.
'Course, the only living peach tree in town
belongs to little old Mr. Smudge.
It growed so tall,
he can't reach the dang peaches.
(laughs)
Hey, well,
how about I buy a ladder for a neighbor?
Okay.
(typing on phone)
Problem is, I sold my only ladder
to Mrs. Pumpas last week.
(sighs)
But she passed on.
She died like crazy!
BAG: (laughs) That's right.
She died like crazy
and was buried with the ladder.
(phone trills)
Oh, whoa. Okay.
The part will be delivered to our house.
Have fun not buying things in here.
I hope I never see you guys again.
(bell dings)
So...
we're gonna dig up Mrs. Pumpas?
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
(energetic music)
People. Who needs 'em, right?
(phone trills)
(mumbling indistinctly)
Uh, yes‐‐yes I‐‐yes I‐‐ yes I do!
Yes I do.
(phone trills)
(drone buzzing)
(grunts)
All right, fellas. I like what we're doing here.
But remind me, why do we need
to bring an old bell to the lighthouse
if we already have the key to the laboratory?
The lighthouse needs the bell to go ding‐dong
for all to hear.
JAMES: Right, right, right.
So, Tractor Man,
you're gonna ram the schoolyard gate
when you hear the bell go ding‐dong?
No, I'm not going to the schoolyard.
I'm going with Narton to the docks.
I thought Narton was stealing
the mayor's fountain pen.
We told you,
I'm not going to the docks with you.
You always want to be thrown to the warm, warm, water.
Sick of trying
to make you like me, Narton.
Accept me as I am.
I have a rich inner life.
Eat shit, Tractor Man.
(drone buzzing)
BIT: No, no more! (speaking indistinctly)
You said one beggar, but five?
The hammer was this size.
It's always one size. One size...
Come on, guys. Come on, people.
People, hey, we don't need to do this.
‐Hey. ‐You keep inviting me
to ride on your tractor.
What happened to brotherly love?
(people arguing)
Remember the unifying words of Mrs. Plumpas.
‐(drone buzzing) ‐Ow!
Ow, stop it!
Ow. Get out!
You should have helped.
(bell dings)
My delivery has arri‐‐
(drone buzzing)
Ah!
ALL: Ah!
Ah!
(screams)
(chill music)
Uh, I agreed to dig up a body.
That's great.
(rhythmic music)
Hey, that stuff with your ID?
Don't even worry about it.
Really?
If you never do it, then you never have to.
It's logic.
It is a kind of logic!
Oh, it's fine to reply to an email
seven weeks later.
It actually makes you seem cooler.
You're right, I have been feeling cooler.
Flowers are just little trees.
I knew it!
And trees?
They're just big flowers.
You're answering so many questions for me.
Ah.
You know, I'm glad we all decided
to keep doing nothing.
Am I right, team?
We've got time.
We've got eternities.
Wait, eternities?
But my DMV paperwork is due on Monday.
Argh! No! We have time.
(grunts) I've been sitting on that email
for seven weeks.
That's almost two months!
That's 2/12 of a year!
1/6 if you reduce the fraction.
Pietro's gonna be upset.
What if he writes a sad keyboard song?
I can't do that to a friend!
Ugh. Stop!
Why are you stressing yourselves out like this?
You're ruining my vibe!
Battle formation.
ALL: (grunt)
Super glad we practiced this battle formation.
(yells)
(indistinct moaning)
(evil laughter)
Uh, run! Everybody fucking run!
Ow! My leg! Ah!
Where do you think you're going?
Wait a second‐‐
(dramatic music)
(yelling)
(guttural yell)
(yells)
BOTH: Whoa!
‐(groans) ‐Come on!
Hey! Real mature.
I have to get a tetanus shot now.
Like I've got the time for that.
Come on, let's go!
(roars)
Quick, get behind me. Push me through it.
(roaring)
Look, Tanya, your ID!
Leave it!
But old Street Street!
It's just a street, dude.
Come on!
(gasps) Hmm.
Damn, blighted magics.
Oh, I hate vines.
(screams)
(epic chase music)
♪♪ ♪♪
Go now!
The spirit of Orlath shall protect you.
(rocks crashing)
Okay.
(electronic music)
(clears throat) Man, that went bad real fast.
Well, I still had a good time.
Yeah, that was cool.
Plus, Pietro's gonna love this story.
Wait, so you're going to the wedding?
I am.
I think it was while we were leaping across the ravine
on the giant deer that I was like, "Life is short."
This kind of zany shit
is what memories are made of, right?
Not ID cards.
Hell yeah.
Adventures forever.
Oh, I'll go back into that forest right now!
Let's all go back in that forest!
ALL: Yeah!
(distant roar)
Actually, no. No, no, no.
You know what? Let's just listen
to music instead.
Uh‐huh, I love music.
That's an adventure for our senses.
(eerie electronic music)
(pop music)
♪♪ ♪♪
‐(clear music) ‐CHORUS: ♪♪ Yes ♪♪