(murmured conversation)
Mmm. Brr.
(groans)
Ah!
(chill electronic music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(upbeat music)
♪♪ ♪♪
ERNESTO: Hmm.
KEVIN: Uh...
‐Right? ‐Nope.
Huh.
Oh. I'm dizzy.
Oh.
KEVIN: Tanya?
Um...
(groans)
Why would you carry your bike
up three flights of stairs?
Did you not see the bike rack?
It's right outside.
The red bike is there.
Every time I come here,
this red bike is taking up the entire rack‐‐
parked right across it, blocking all the spots.
Ugh, I mean, who would openly flout
bike‐rack etiquette like that?
I don't know. I've never actually seen them.
But I had an idea.
How about you guys just come to my place more?
That seems fair.
Oh, I totally would,
but I got this puzzle going on right now,
and, you know, puzzles don't travel well,
like sushi.
Ernesto, I didn't want to get all serious about this‐‐
(breathes deeply)
But I feel like you're not holding up
your end of the best‐pals contract.
‐What? Whoa, Whoa. ‐(gasps)
You invoke the best‐pals contract, Tanya?
The unspoken agreement of loyalty and love
among a group of best pals?
Yes I do.
This is a serious accusation.
Y‐you really think I would sacrifice our friendship
for a 24‐piece jigsaw puzzle?
Prove that you wouldn't.
Fine.
I will help you track down
the owner of the mysterious bike
and teach them proper bike‐rack etiquette,
even if it means staking out the bike rack for hours,
even if it means bringing snacks.
Huh. That's not at all what I was going for,
but it does sound fun.
(laughs) Yeah, let's do it.
Surprise!
‐(all yell) ‐Turt, what the fuck?
Sorry, y'all.
Just decided to pull a little surprise.
I'm trying to be more impulsive.
But, Turt, I thought you feared the unknown.
I did, but then yesterday I fell off the kitchen counter,
and I thought I was gonna die
because it's ten times my body height,
but then I didn't die.
‐You lived? ‐Yeah.
So now I'm not scared of stuff anymore.
Check this out.
‐Ahh! ‐(gasps)
Flip me over! Flip me over!
‐TANYA: Oh, my God, Turt! ‐Ah.
See? I'm all good.
‐Whoa. ‐Oh, I'm so happy
that you conquered your fears, Turt.
I mean, I've always been fearless,
so I can't exactly relate.
Same.
I know. You two are the coolest.
I think it's because you're both tall.
That's my theory as well.
So should we go catch the mystery biker?
'Cause I'm down to clown.
Oh, we're doing that today?
‐I'm ready. ‐You guys want me
‐to bring the puzzle? ‐On a stakeout?
Right, good point. I'll bring it.
(upbeat music)
(yells)
Huh.
(easygoing music)
♪♪ ♪♪
Hi, and welcome back to another edition
of "Words with Ike."
The word I'd like to talk to you about today
is "opportunity."
Opportunity can be defined
as a good position, chance, or prospect
for advancement or success.
As an example, I'd like to offer my viewers
a one‐time opportunity to invest
in my offshore, future trading program‐‐
Ike's Mutual Fortunes Fund.
It yields a high
and consistent return.
No matter how much the market fluctuates,
we guarantee high performance on your investment.
While we're not yet registered
with the Securities and Exchange Commission,
the longer you wait to invest,
the longer it takes for you to see your return.
All it takes to get started is a base payment of $50,000.
There's no risk at all.
There's no risk at all,
other than missing out on this opportunity.
And if you've already invested,
please stop calling.
(cheerful music)
(chill electronic music)
(rock music)
Legs are numb, and the phone is out.
Who will earn my like today?
Gasp!
I mean, they were only dating for a year!
Good for Liam!
Aren't you happy for your brother?
No! He's beating me now.
He's engaged, and I have nothing, all right?
He's only four months older than me.
How is that possible?
God, I have nothing to show for myself.
Everybody hates me
because I haven't accomplished anything.
Oh, Noel, that's not why people hate you.
‐(bell dings) ‐That's it!
I should set up an online dating profile.
I'm a catch after all, right?
(distant cough)
Right?
"Which is nothing to be embarrassed about."
There, done.
Now to see all the hits I'm getting.
(buzzer sounds)
And now to see all the hits.
(buzzer sounds)
All right, third time's the charm.
(buzzer sounds)
(clock ticking)
(groans)
‐(computer chimes) ‐Oh, hello.
"Hello, my sexy man."
(chuckles) Okay.
Uh, "We are need credit card info
to big‐time sex with you."
God damn it.
Olga, you fool, you come on too strong.
Ah, I thought he'd be my Mr. Right.
So you called me in
to help spice up your dating profile, huh?
No, you broke into my apartment
because the butterfly you were chasing
flew in through my window.
Challenge accepted.
Let's see what I can do here.
Oh, yeah, here's your problem.
Under job, you said you were the last honest man.
Ugh, women hate that. Hell, everybody hates that.
It's what I am.
And now you're a doctor.
I'm not a doctor.
Hey, you're doctoring this, aren't you?
How tall are you? 6'5"? 7'3"?
I'm 5'11 3/4".
6'5". And you're a veteran of, uh...
What's a good one? What's a good war?
Oh, this is absurd, okay?
‐Just take it down. ‐(computer chimes)
Okay, well you already have 300 hits.
301, 302... 314? Jeez.
Can you make it say I fought ISIS?
Buddy, I can make it say you beat them.
(suspenseful music)
♪♪ ♪♪
PERSON ONSCREEN: Aah!
(giggles)
(chuckles) Oh, and I'm not permitted to be scared?
This is so typical of Americans.
Uh, aren't you American?
I'm a citizen of the world, baby.
NOEL: (grunting)
Okay, well, I have the fingers
of a nine‐pound ball user.
It's the ball who should be embarrassed,
not me! ‐Ugh.
Because the spinning top, say it with me,
represents reality.
Aah!
But you left your parachute!
I no longer fear hell and its torments!
I should just throw in the towel.
Maybe get into craft beers or something
to keep my mind occupied while I circle the drain.
Jesus, Noel, you went on three dates.
Maybe let Swan Boy and me help you on the next one.
That's rich. How could you two help me?
I can sell you performance‐enhancing shoes.
You don't have any of those.
Yeah, the magic was in you the whole time.
Pay up.
No, I meant we could hide in the bushes
and give you advice.
Like Cyrano de Bergerac?
Just lie!
This shit is not complicated.
Argh! Swan Boy, the only thing
you know how to do is end relationships.
Well, glad to see
we're just laying it all out there.
Cyrano?
Cyra‐yes de Berge‐let's go.
Hmm.
(bird cooing)
She's not coming.
Can I come out of the bushes now?
Ow!
Why bother? Why do anything?
It's hopeless.
Yeah, that's my default take.
‐Ow. ‐(cell phone chimes)
(gasps) Liam and Mariah!
Oh, my God, are they okay?
(laughing) No!
It's great!
They broke the engagement off.
Oh, no! Why?
Argh! Swan Boy, the only thing
you know how to do is end relationships...
(echoing) End relationships.
(bell dings)
BOTH: Swan Boy.
Mmm. (chuckles)
Swan Boy.
(shouts)
Swan Boy, did you break up
Liam and Mariah's engagement?
Who?
My brother and his fiancée.
You did, didn't you?
You took it to heart when I told you
all you know how to do is end relationships,
and so you ended theirs.
Whoa, buddy, hold the phone‐‐
That is the nicest thing you've ever done for me.
Hell, that's the only nice thing you've ever done for me.
Yeah, our bar for you is so low.
Nice. Nice work.
All right, sure. What the hell?
I broke them up.
Viewer, I have no idea what the hell
they're talking about.
My best guess‐‐ two people fell out of love.
Happens every day.
I wasn't really the protagonist of this one,
so I tuned a lot of this episode out.
Glad to see I came out on top, though.
(sighs)
I guess what they say is true.
Certain butterflies are toxic and should not be eaten.
(upbeat music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(grunts)
Turt, I didn't know you scoot.
I do now. I also started wearing this beret.
No fear!
Nice! You got sick air on that one.
I know, I felt it.
Anyone hungry?
‐Bring it, son. ‐Always.
TANYA: Still nothing.
ERNESTO: Maybe it's abandoned.
No, it moves sometimes.
It was parked in the other direction yesterday.
We're just gonna have to wait.
Yeah, we got enough cheese for the rest of the day...
I think.
(upbeat music)
(snoring)
‐(soft clatter) ‐Huh?
(rattling)
Oh, my God.
Everybody! Come look at this!
ERNESTO: What the hell?
KEVIN: Oh, yeah. I should have known.
Ghost bike.
What's a ghost bike?
It's the ghost of a dead bike.
Maybe it's just the wind.
The wind is riding the bike?
I don't know.
But there's no way it's a ghost bike.
Ernesto, are you scared of ghost bikes?
No, because they're not real.
I don't believe in ghost bikes either,
but this is definitely weird, right?
Let's follow it.
On foot? We won't stand a chance.
That's why we're gonna use a bike's natural enemy‐‐
skateboards.
I'll take my scoot.
So we're just not finishing the puzzle?
What if someone comes by and completes it?
Ugh, we'll finish it later.
Come on, let's go!
There it is!
(gasps) It spotted us.
Let's move!
(dramatic music)
(brakes screeching, horns honking)
Ugh!
Come on, come on, come on!
‐(device beeping) ‐ERNESTO: Come on!
‐KEVIN: Oh! ‐TANYA: Oh, God. Ugh.
Come on!
‐(device dings) ‐Come on, let's go!
(horn honks)
♪♪ ♪♪
(car horns blaring, brakes screeching)
♪♪ ♪♪
(grunts)
KEVIN: Whoo!
TURT: (grunts)
(grunting) Ow.
Ah.
Ow.
(people screaming)
♪♪ ♪♪
Whoa!
(grunts)
Whoa!
TANYA: Ow!
TURT: (groans)
Ow.
I'm on my back. Flip me over.
(breathes deeply)
Oh, my God.
We're surrounded by dead bodies...
dead bike bodies!
Kevin, bikes can't die. They're objects.
(all screaming)
♪♪ ♪♪
Maybe some bikes can die?
(grunts) God damn it.
‐(grunts) ‐ALL: Aah!
Ernesto, where are you going?
No‐‐no‐‐nowhere.
I just got to go check on the puzzle.
Aw, I thought you were fearless, Ernesto?
Well, I found new fears.
Okay, so you just want to let the red bike
take over the bike rack forever?
You just want to lead us
into a rusty, haunted bike factory.
Well, maybe I do.
Yeah, Tanya, you're the coolest.
And, Ernesto,
I have one thing to say to you.
Best‐pals contract.
Ooh.
Ah, damn. All right, I'm in.
Yes! Now let's send this demon bike back to hell...
‐(neck cracks) ‐From whence it came.
Uh, ghost bike, Tanya?
It might still be able to find peace
in the eternal halls of Bikehala.
Do you just make this stuff up?
I mean, it's a hypothesis.
I don't see anyone else offering theories.
Except Ernesto's wind idea,
which is ridiculous, by the way.
(gasps) That way!
(spacey music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(Muzak playing)
(squeals)
(both shrieking)
(shrieks)
♪♪ ♪♪
Huh?
(panicked grunting)
♪♪ ♪♪
(bell tolls)
SINGER: ♪♪ I said ooh ♪♪
♪♪ You're like a magnet ♪♪
(clock ticking)
(yawns)
(breathes deeply)
(ethereal music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(distant laughter)
That's exactly why I asked.
Oh, God.
Oh, hey, Jess, um, can I borrow your camera again
this weekend, please, if you're not using it?
Oh, the digital camera again? What do you need it for?
I just wanted to get some professional photos
of, like, my woodworking project.
Sure.
Can I borrow your camera again this weekend, please,
if you're not using it?
(distorted voice) Oh, the digital camera...
again.
What do you need it for?
I just wanted to get some professional photos
of, like, my woodworking project.
JESS: I don't really want to give you the digital camera
because you always borrow it, you change all the settings,
and aren't careful with it!
Sure.
(ethereal music)
(sheep bleating)
(upbeat music)
♪♪ Boy, are you ♪♪
♪♪ Gonna tell the truth? ♪♪
♪♪ Know you got a thing for me ♪♪
♪♪ Yeah ♪♪
♪♪ ♪♪
♪♪ Boy, are you ♪♪
♪♪ Gonna tell the truth? ♪♪
♪♪ Know you got a thing for me ♪♪
(vocalizing)
(distorted voice) ♪♪ Boy, are you gonna tell the truth? ♪♪
♪♪ Know you got a thing for me ♪♪
(verses overlapping)
(heavy music)
♪♪ ♪♪
JESS: Oh, the digital camera again?
‐What do you need it for? ‐(sheep bleats)
AMY: Oh, I just wanted to get, some, like,
professional...
(ethereal music)
♪♪ ♪♪
INTERROGATOR: Right. Okay, then.
So, Amy, it's my understanding
you were home all evening on Thursday.
What?
Yes, I think so.
INTERROGATOR: Well, Amy, I put it to you
that it was your brother's first solo exhibition
in New York that night,
and you didn't call him or your parents
‐to say congratulations. ‐Oh, no.
Oh, God, I forgot. I forgot.
INTERROGATOR: Oh, you forgot.
And, Amy, did you also forget
to pursue a fulfilling music career?
I...
INTERROGATOR: How many hours of guitar lessons
did your parents pay for for you
that your job at the sound studio
as a project manager
doesn't actually involve touching any instruments
or doing anything creative yourself?
AMY: It's‐‐it's just‐‐ at the moment‐‐
Amy, I just have one more question for you.
AMY: Yes?
Boy, are you gonna tell the truth?
ALL: ♪♪ I know you got a thing for me, yeah ♪♪
♪♪ Boy, are you gonna tell... ♪♪
(ethereal music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(alarm beeping)
(alarm beeping continuously)
(upbeat music)
(spacey music)
(satellite beeping, whirring)
(hip‐hop music playing)
♪♪ ♪♪
(glass squeaking)
♪♪ ♪♪
(air hissing)
(spacecraft whirring)
(explosion)
(dramatic music)
(upbeat music)
♪♪ ♪♪
‐(bicycle chain clicking) ‐(ominous music)
Um...
c‐can you guys see anything?
(rattling)
TURT: I found a switch.
♪♪ ♪♪
Uh, Kevin, are these dead bikes or regular bikes?
Mm, hard to tell.
I don't have my equipment.
What kind of equipment do you have for this?
TURT: Son of a gun. They are dead.
Okay, nobody move.
Oh, God...
Just be cool, Turt.
Remember, you're not scared of anything now.
‐Uh, yeah. ‐You're cool!
I'm cool. This is a cool new experience.
It's coming to eat us!
I just wanted to do a puzzle today!
Let us help you find peace, great ghost bike!
‐Ah... ‐Tell us why
you're haunting our bike rack!
‐Ah! ‐Hell it is, then, bitch!
‐(grunts) ‐My pal!
♪♪ ♪♪
My two pals!
KEVIN AND ERNESTO: (yelp)
Ah!
Okay, all right. I‐I guess we're doing this.
No fears!
‐(all screaming) ‐No, no, no, no, no!
♪♪ ♪♪
Whoa!
(dramatic music)
It's not a ghost bike at all.
It's a magic bike!
So you just change your theory, just like that?
You've been saying it's a ghost bike all night!
I work with the evidence I have.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck this!
You got this, Turt. It's okay.
It's just like the kitchen counter.
No, it's not. This is much worse.
This is, like, ten thousand times my body height.
Whoa, I can see our apartment.
And there's your house, Tanya!
‐Wait, is that a park? ‐It is a park,
right between our neighborhoods.
We could hang out there! It's equidistant!
Oh, my God, it's the perfect spot.
Excuse me, bike.
Will you please take us to the park?
Use your magic for good, bike.
Oh, my beret!
You guys, I just realized I hate this.
Bike, please. I think she's gonna throw up.
Hey, this bike has a thorn in its ass.
It's just like the story with the mouse and the lion‐‐
you know, where the lion has a thorn in its ass.
I believe the thorn was in its paw.
‐Really? ‐Oh, God.
That changes the whole story for me.
(grunts)
(tranquil music)
♪♪ ♪♪
‐ALL: Whoa! ‐ERNESTO: You did it, Tanya!
You redeemed its soul or whatever.
Okay, so are we cool now, bike?
Will you give us a ride to the park?
(bell chimes)
ALL: Yay!
(sighs) Shit. It's closed.
Closes at sundown? Pfft.
Well, that's constantly changing, isn't it?
Unbelievable.
This city needs more accessible green spaces.
Should we just hang out at my place?
Eh, I guess.
Hey, bike, uh...
can you fly us back to my place, by any chance?
Is that too much to ask?
I don't want to be a bother,
but, like, you‐‐you did take us on this adventure.
(shimmering)
Guess we're walking.
We can work on the puzzle.
That sounds fun and safe. You know what?
You guys aren't so bad after all.
TANYA: Wait, when did you start thinking we were bad?
TURT: When I almost fell from the sky to my death.
‐TANYA AND ERNESTO: Oh... ‐KEVIN: I hear that.
TURT: Has anyone seen my beret?
(easygoing music)
♪♪ ♪♪
‐(clear music) ‐CHORUS: ♪♪ Yes ♪♪