(soft instrumental music)
(plates clinking)
Whee!
Pick me.
‐(cheering) ‐Pick me!
Choose me.
Pick me.
(cheering)
Uh‐oh.
Ah!
(slurping)
(chill music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(upbeat electronic music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(seagulls squawking)
What a beautiful day.
(percussive dance music)
All right, let's party.
Dude, I'm mid‐nap.
And I'm quarter‐nap.
I barely got started.
Well, I thought this was
supposed to be a fun day at the beach.
No, it's supposed to be a relaxing day at the beach.
Kevin's right. The text said relaxing.
Kevin, can we change it?
Nope, the text was sent.
You should've paid attention.
Hello, friends!
(relaxing music)
‐Hey. ‐Hi.
What do you think about my private island, huh?
You ain't think a seagull balled like this, huh?
[chuckling] Oh, Seagull,
that's just a rock.
And this is just cash.
‐Whoa. ‐And champagne.
‐Wow. ‐Whoo.
This bird parties.
You see, I'm rich in money
and beverages.
But you know what I'm most rich in?
Ulterior motives?
Opportunities, sir.
And I'd like to tell you about them
on a free tour of the Seagull Kingdom.
TANYA: I've heard of the Seagull Kingdom.
It's the hidden kingdom
of the seagulls.
And now I invite you to visit this land of mystery
with free champagne
and guaranteed good times.
Mm, monsieur, allow me to consult
with my associates.
‐Take your time. ‐We're doing this, right?
Good times, good times?
Yeah, sounds fun.
I don't know.
This guy seems sketchy.
Make it rain, baby!
Man, what's sketchy about a stranger inviting us
to a secret island?
All aspects of it.
What if he tries to sell us a timeshare?
Come on, Kev. It's a free tour.
We'll drink some champagne, check out a mysterious kingdom,
then bounce!
So are we doing this?
I guess.
Yes!
Adventures at sea!
(ominous music)
Is there even gonna be food at the Seagull Kingdom?
I mean, I bet they'll have party snacks.
Like hors d'oeuvres and stuff.
What do seagulls eat anyway?
Only what's not theirs.
Sandwiches they didn't make.
Hot dogs they didn't pay for.
Tanya, where did you get that cloak?
Cookies stolen from beachside picnics.
Nachos pilfered from unsuspecting children.
French fries, candy bars.
These are words I love,
but spoken with hate.
Tanya, you're frightening Kevin.
Explain this sudden turn to darkness.
Flashback:
I was eight years old.
Spent the whole summer selling lemons
at my lemon stand.
ERNESTO: Why not sell lemonade?
TANYA: Why limit a lemon's potential?
Let the consumer decide.
‐ERNESTO: Brilliant. ‐TANYA: I know, right?
Business was good.
I was young, successful,
and ready to take on the world.
So I asked my dad to drive me
to the boardwalk so we could get a hot dog.
And then, out of nowhere...
this one‐eyed seagull swooped down and stole it
right out of my hands.
All I'd worked for, gone!
I swore then...
"I will take my vengeance upon that seagull!"
If the one‐eyed seagull still lives,
someone in the Seagull Kingdom will know.
Okay, a little concerned this whole thing
was secretly about vengeance.
Yeah, you should've told us.
(seagulls squawking)
My friends.
Be careful, be careful.
It can be a little treacherous.
Like I said, there's mystery everywhere.
Welcome, welcome.
All right, Tanya. Tanya?
‐And she's gone. ‐Allow me
to introduce myself properly.
My name is Ricard.
And to be honest,
I've not been entirely forthcoming with you.
Here we go.
Truth is, I didn't bring you here
for a simple super fun tour.
I brought you here because...
I need your help.
‐Me? ‐You!
You're the strongest being
to ever set foot in this kingdom.
A beast.
I believe you may be
the hero who is spoken of.
The hero, huh?
They speak of me here as well?
That who speaks of?
Many, many,
all kinds of people, I mean‐‐
Many, huh?
See, Kevin?
They talk about me.
Dude, I called it.
He's sucking you in.
KEVIN: He's lying to you!
If I was lying,
would I open this champagne?
‐(cork pops) ‐KEVIN: Maybe.
Seems unrelated.
Drink up.
Get down, get funky.
Where we venture,
it's a place
of darkness.
(seagulls squawking)
(ominous music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(hawks phlegm)
Ah!
♪♪ ♪♪
(sighs)
Susan.
♪♪ ♪♪
(chill music)
♪♪ ♪♪
‐(sharp guitar chords) ‐Swan Boy.
(playful music)
(gasps) A trap.
God, Rona, you're really getting paranoid.
Remember, mail can't hurt you.
"Your student loans are illegally overdue!"
Oh, man.
Which will it be?
Pay my student loans or go to jail?
It's a lose‐lose.
If only there was a third way.
(notification tone)
"Stuck between paying your loans
"and going to jail?
Try this third way."
Well, here goes nothing.
(frenzied beeping)
What?
(knocking on door)
(knocking intensifies)
Is this the home of...
Rona Valenti?
Yeah, that's me.
‐Bag her, boys. ‐Ah!
(foreboding music)
(muffled struggling)
Where am I?
Welcome to my private island.
(laughs)
‐What's going on? ‐Don't you know?
When you gave click to that link
you legally consented to my most dangerous game.
(laughs evilly)
You'll be hunted along with
these two.
Wassup?
‐Uh. ‐Rona, remember "Wassup"?
What are you guys doing here?
Control freak?
I'll show you who's a control freak.
Retake!
Ah!
(rock music)
‐(notification tone) ‐"Want to be hunted for sport?"
Well, yeah, of course.
(grunts)
‐(bell ringing) ‐Let's go!
(sighs)
You see,
I've grown bored of hunting
non‐sentient beasts.
I long to hunt prey
that can think,
worry,
dream.
I'll be releasing you
onto my island
and hunting you.
If you survive for 24 hours‐‐
(gasps) We get to go again?
Why, you'll be granted freedom!
And all of your debts
will be canceled.
If not, well...
Well, what? You trailed off.
You idiot.
You'll be killed!
Thought it was clear!
(clears throat)
Giving you five minutes head start.
Beginning...
now!
I'm sorry, is this a joke?
I assure you, this is no laughing matter.
(laughs evilly)
Oh, triumph of man.
(panting)
Okay,
so I was thinking what we do
is we offer up Noel
‐as a sacrifice. ‐What?
This is insane!
I refuse to dignify this lunatic
with a response.
Oh, real mature.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Rona, do you mind?
What the hell's the matter with you?
This is basically the exact thing
I've been worrying about since I was four!
Get in the basement!
We're being hunted for sport!
Well, I'm getting hot, so, uh,
lemme know how this works out.
‐Swan Boy! ‐Ah!
I usually wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy,
but if you're gonna survive,
you're gonna have to start
thinking like me.
(upbeat percussive music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(sniffing)
♪♪ ♪♪
(sighs)
How are you so good at this? Oh, my God.
A lifetime of violent paranoia and constant internal panic
has left me with deer‐like reflexes,
a deer‐like metabolism,
and a deer‐like sixth sense for danger.
Wow, that rocks.
I gotta try being miserable all the‐‐
(buzzer sounding)
Aha! The poisoned darts,
tipped with a neurotoxin of my own design.
A single drop will render the victim
erratic and foolish.
‐How do you feel? ‐Normal!
NOEL: Swan Boy, Rona, I found a way off the island!
Over here!
‐Oh! ‐It's a trap.
By now the hunter must've found him.
Knowing Noel, he tried to cut a deal.
We should hide out.
In there!
RONA: Whatever you do, don't open your eyes.
Oh, no problemo.
(wet footsteps)
(heavy breathing)
HUNTER: They're nearby.
(sniffs deeply) I can smell them.
NOEL: I know what to do.
(clears throat)
What's that you said?
A Box Car Racer reunion?
HUNTER: Bully! (laughs)
RONA: Ah!
(panting)
(gasps)
End of the line!
Which will it be?
The cliff
or the gun?
(hyperventilating)
Ah!
(dramatic music)
♪♪ ♪♪
Whoa!
♪♪ ♪♪
‐(steady beeping) ‐RONA: Wha‐‐
Where am I?
Wha‐‐ Wha‐‐wow.
Was it all a dream?
You did it!
You had a supernova panic attack so severe
you flew us all to safety.
Our student debts are canceled.
Oh, my God.
I'm free!
Is this what being happy is like?
And here's your medical bill.
Could you be a doll and try
to get out of here by 4:15?
We've got a lot of old people in this town.
Wait, I can't pay this.
Oh, my God, no biggie.
We have a payment plan option‐‐here!
Ahoy!
(laughs evilly)
(upbeat rock music)
♪♪ ♪♪
♪♪ Okay ♪♪
♪♪ I think I got you out my system ♪♪
♪♪ Whoo ♪♪
(bright orchestral music)
♪♪ ♪♪
‐(face slap) ‐(orchestral music darkens)
Ha.
♪♪ ♪♪
(sighs)
♪♪ ♪♪
(gasps)
(scoffs)
You little...
Shush, you're causing a scene.
Wait till they see Act II.
That's what you think.
Ooh.
♪♪ ♪♪
You know I don't wear red.
You know how important this bruncheon is
to my reputation.
You're trying to make me look foolish
in a color you know doesn't complement me.
You're jealous of my philanthropy
and all my new friends.
Ah!
Oh!
(fabric ripping)
Uh!
♪♪ ♪♪
The theme is Lady in Red.
Well, my theme is Over My Dead Body.
That can be arranged.
♪♪ ♪♪
(struggling)
(panting)
Get away from me! (gasps)
(mysterious melody)
♪♪ ♪♪
I'd know that hand anywhere.
‐Sebastian's‐‐ ‐Roger's.
(curious music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(chill music)
Look, within this cave
lies the ultimate treasure.
A treasure no seagull
has been brave enough
to retrieve.
But perhaps you, Ernesto,
you can be
the one to retrieve it.
KEVIN: It's a pack of chips.
RICARD: They're not just chips.
They're Splendiferous Chips.
Yeah, Splendiferous Chips
Sour Cream and Barbeque.
BOTH: "If y'all be dippin',
y'all be chippin'."
♪♪ Splendiferous ♪♪
‐You know of them? ‐Yeah.
The ads are everywhere.
KEVIN: I went on the factory tour.
For generations
these chips have sat untouched.
Claim them for us.
Be our hero.
We would throw a great party for you.
Mm.
I accept my destiny.
And my party.
(glass shatters)
(mysterious music)
Mm, I doubt they have a party planned.
Sometimes it's about the journey,
not the party.
I'm having a great time,
and the party could still happen.
I just wish you would listen to me.
I've got good intuitions.
I mean, so do I.
(child laughing)
(ghostly shout)
‐Whoa. ‐Well, that was foreboding.
It's probably fine.
Go, go, go, go.
Ah, super easy!
‐Yes, now open them! ‐Mm, wait.
Isn't this your people's treasure or something?
Open them!
Yeah, open the bag!
You see that line where it says, "Tear here"?
‐Tear there! ‐Wait.
Is this all you needed me for?
To open chips?
‐That's not fun. ‐Seize them!
Get 'em, yeah!
Now!
‐Ooh! ‐Let me go!
Give it up, bear.
(indistinct struggling)
You dare steal the Splendiferous Chips,
the most sacred artifact in seagull culture?
Wait, wait, wait.
Ricard said it was cool.
Right, Ricard?
Ricard?
(conch shell horn blows)
Dude, come on.
Uh.
Sorry.
Susan!
There's no Susan here.
You stole my hot dog.
How did you know it was me?
You had one eye.
Oh, well, then, clearly,
you have the wrong person.
Enough lies, Susan!
[sighs] God, all right, all right.
Take your revenge then.
Whoa, what the heck happened to you?
Oh, I walked your path once.
Flashback:
I was a young bird when I lost my eye.
Some kid with a rock.
I was so angry.
I swore the people
of the boardwalk would pay.
So I did what I knew best.
I stole their lunches.
Their corn dogs, their nachos.
All of it.
I had my revenge.
Then more.
Then everyone on the boardwalk
swore revenge against me.
It was a revenge‐off, and I was outnumbered.
I barely made it back here alive.
So go ahead.
Take your revenge.
But you know what?
You're gonna lose part of yourself
you can't get back, honey.
(sighs)
Whatever.
You still owe me a hot dog.
TANYA: Ew!
Different dog.
Yeah, that's totally fair.
‐(conch shell horn blows) ‐Oh, shit.
That's an execution.
Someone must've stolen
‐the Splendiferous Chips. ‐Wait, what?
Oh, shit, those are my friends.
Susan, will you help me stop this?
Of course, but...
you know if I do,
I‐‐I won't owe you a hot dog anymore.
Fine.
(upbeat music)
♪♪ So totally cloud ♪♪
(harsh, low tone)
Oh, my God!
‐I won, I won! ‐You won.
We're rich‐rich, bitch.
Yay, money!
We're rich!
Oh, I love money!
Wait, wait, wait. Shut up!
Everybody loves money.
They're gonna come after us and steal it!
‐We gotta go into hiding. ‐You're right!
Okay, okay, okay.
Hmm, we'll pack a bag with all the cash.
I have a guy who can take us from here to the river.
We'll float for days on the bag of money
down to the South Shore!
We'll blend in with the locals
and barter for food.
We'll go undercover as cam girls.
‐Oh, that's genius. ‐Then we'll wait till winter
when they're all sleeping.
And we'll pay an artist to dynamite our faces
into a mountain like Mount Rushmore.
Pickles and Carl, huge!
We'll live in our mouths!
But we'll wear disguises so no one knows it's us!
We'll be happy forever.
Meet back right here tomorrow in disguise.
Let no one know it's you.
The code word is "Banana."
Don't forget it!
"Banana," yes.
I'll never forget it.
(harsh, low tone)
Good morrow, fair traveler.
To whom do I speak?
Oh, just a simple tramp
making his way through the world.
Banana!
No, thank you. I'm allergic.
Seen anyone who won a lot of money around here?
(gasps)
A trap!
This hobo knows about the money.
He probably killed Pickles.
What's that in your hand, traveler?
Who are you?
Stay back, fiend!
Where's Pickles?
Pickles?
Pickles is, uh...
uh...
dead.
But he told me to meet Carl here.
What have you done with Carl?
There is no Carl.
Carl is...
‐also dead. ‐Murderer!
That's his ticket!
Give me the ticket!
Murderer!
You'll never have it, never!
‐Give it to me or I'll‐‐ ‐(dramatic music)
No!
(laughs) Come and get it now, pappy!
Oh, wait.
Banana.
(chill music)
♪♪ ♪♪
Welcome to the next installment of Words with Ike.
Oh.
You'll have to forgive my appearance.
I've been digging deep into the archives
and have discovered one of the oldest words
known to man.
That word is "ye."
(mysterious music)
Its definition?
Now we know the past version of the word "you" is "ye"
and the present version of the word "you" is "you."
But what, pray tell,
is the future of "you"?
♪♪ ♪♪
Hmm.
The future of you.
♪♪ ♪♪
The future...
♪♪ ♪♪
of you.
You?
Will you stay the same?
(echoing)
Or will you evolve?
(echoing)
What will you become?
What might you be?
(echoing)
The possibilities are infinite.
And it's all up to you.
♪♪ Words with Ike ♪♪
♪♪ ♪♪
♪♪ I'm done acting normal ♪♪
♪♪ 'Cause I know who I am ♪♪
Hmm.
For the crime
of stealing the Splendiferous Chips,
you are sentenced to die.
I told you.
I told you all.
I knew‐‐I knew this would happen.
And now I got a permanent record?
No, no, no. You got the wrong guy.
It was Ricard.
He said there would be a party.
He guaranteed a good time.
Silence!
There's no Ricard‐‐ Hmm.
(chewing loudly) In this Seagull‐‐
Mm, kingdom.
Mm, sorry, my mouth was full.
Silence!
(indistinct whispering)
(dramatic music)
(whispering continues)
No way!
What is the bloody meaning of this?
No!
‐(all gasp) ‐That's no judge!
That's Ricard!
He must've stolen the Splendiferous Chips!
He just tricked these naive forest creatures
into doing his dirty work!
Hold on, wait!
Wait one damn minute now.
Stop!
You can take revenge on this seagull.
Maybe it'll feel real good because he stole your chips.
And trust me, I know how serious that can be.
But you will lose a part of yourself
that you can't get back.
My friend
Susan taught me that.
And I think she has a lot to teach all of you.
Yes, I finished the Splendiferous Chips,
but punishing me won't bring them back.
Plus, the bag was mostly air.
There is another bag.
‐(all gasp) ‐Another?
Another bag!
SUSAN: Splendiferous Chips Cheddar Ranch.
I stole them from the boardwalk years ago and hid them away.
I will gladly offer them in place of our lost treasure.
(cheering)
Hell yes! You see?
Revenge isn't the only answer.
I'll kill you!
‐(gasps) ‐No!
Dude, come on.
I just did a whole speech about not taking revenge
and what I learned from Susan,
who I'm cool with now.
It seems Ernesto doesn't listen to anybody.
Sorry, Tanya.
Sorry, Susan.
‐And... ‐(sighs)
And sorry, Kevin, I guess.
Oh, we're cool. That's all I wanted.
I understand your anger, Bear.
Ricard is a known asshole.
Yeah, enjoy watching the top of your head
for the rest of your life. (laughs)
Thank you all for revealing this charlatan's crimes.
You've done us a splendiferous service.
Yes!
I love doing splendiferous services.
(seagulls squawking)
(chill music)
♪♪ ♪♪
♪♪ I think I went to work ♪♪
♪♪ For the last time today ♪♪
♪♪ I could try my luck at school ♪♪
♪♪ But I'm sad to say ♪♪
♪♪ That I'm done living for you ♪♪
♪♪ I'm gonna find my way ♪♪
♪♪ You say I'm a screw‐up, I'm a basket case ♪♪
♪♪ I was a punk at school, always sleeping in class ♪♪
♪♪ Mama's scared for my future ♪♪
♪♪ Teachers said I won't pass ♪♪
♪♪ I'm done acting normal ♪♪
♪♪ 'Cause I don't give a damn ♪♪
♪♪ The way they say ♪♪
♪♪ 'Cause I know who ♪♪
♪♪ I'm done acting normal ♪♪
♪♪ No, I don't give a damn ♪♪
♪♪ 'Bout what they say ♪♪
♪♪ 'Cause I know who I am ♪♪
(clear music)
CHORUS: ♪♪ Yes ♪♪