(can clatters)
WESTERNER: Okay, cowboy,
drop 'em.
(ambient music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(upbeat, whimsical music)
♪♪ ♪♪
‐("La Donna è Mobile" playing) ‐(whistling)
(slurps)
Mmm, mm‐hmm.
Kevin, that smells amazing.
It's my secret spaghetti recipe.
You have a secret recipe? That's so dope.
I mean, I found it on the Internet,
but I'll never tell anyone where.
What about us, your closest pals?
No way.
If any of us could make secret spaghetti,
then it would just become regular spaghetti,
and then you two definitely wouldn't come
to my dinner party.
BOTH: (gasp)
Wouldn't come to your dinner parties?
Every time I say I'm going to make dinner,
you guys wanna go out instead.
Like the other day.
I was like, "I want to have a dinner party,"
and Tanya was like, "Yeah,
let's take shots and get sushi."
That is partying and having dinner.
It's dinner and a party.
You know that's not the same thing.
It's a similar use of words.
Hey.
ALL: Hey.
‐What up, Turt? ‐Ah, not much.
Just turtle stuff, mostly.
I brought a bottle of wine.
ALL: Wine!
Let's drink it!
(rumbling)
‐TANYA: What the hell? ‐The wall! We needed that.
(rumbling)
(both scream)
(grunts)
(intense music)
Good instinct, Turt.
(synthetic voice) Hello.
Um, hello.
My name is Trobotto.
I come from a world of sentient robotic life forms.
I am damaged and require sustenance.
‐Sustenance? ‐Affirmative.
I smelled your delicious spaghetti sauce.
Please, may I have some?
Oh, I'm sorry,
this is actually more of a friends‐only dinner party.
Please, I am dying.
Only the sauce can save Trobotto.
Ugh, I don't want to watch a robot die.
That would be a huge bummer on the night.
Death is, like, the worst.
Um, okay.
Swallow.
Hmm, quite pleasing.
Please feed me all of it.
The entire thing?
Yes. I have kids.
Um...
Gulp, gulp, gulp.
Ah, thank you.
You have done me a great service.
I will never forget you, Ken.
It's Kevin, actually.
Goodbye, Ken.
Goodbye, Ken's companions.
Hey, who's gonna pay for our wall?
Bye!
‐Oh, dear! ‐Ooh.
(roars)
(grunts)
(roars)
(intense music)
Ken, please.
I am damaged and require sus‐‐
You already ate all my spaghetti sauce.
Did you make garlic bread too?
Yes, I did make garlic bread.
Please, Ken, the bread.
(distorted) I am damaged
and require sustenance.
(sighs)
♪♪ ♪♪
Swallow.
Thank you. I feel my strength returning.
Hey, dude, who's that dragon?
My greatest rival, the one known only as‐‐
‐(grunts in pain) ‐(rumbling)
♪♪ ♪♪
(thundering footsteps)
Um, excuse me, do you know him?
Um, no. Do you?
DRAGON: Yes.
That is my greatest rival, okay?
Were you helping him?
Yo, he just asked for some food.
You have food? What do you have?
We had incredible spaghetti sauce
that I worked on for hours.
But that robot ate it all.
And he thinks my name is Ken.
Oh, no. Well, what's your real name?
Kevin. Much better than Ken.
Kevin, let's start over.
My name is Lazandra.
I'm from another dimension,
and I'm about to be engaged in a pretty long battle here.
If you could get another pot of spaghetti sauce going,
oh, I'd be deeply indebted to you.
Mm‐hmm. Yeah, sure. That's what the robot said.
I'm very rich. Listen, I could pay you.
Here are 7,000 of your people's dollars.
Oh, boy, will that be enough to pay for a sauce?
Hmm... (smacks lips)
You know, I think 9,000 would be closer.
‐Right? ‐Yeah.
I think it's 9.
Kev, you good with this?
But what about my dinner party?
We gotta postpone, dude. We need the money.
You think that robot's gonna pay for all the stuff
‐he messed up? ‐LAZANDRA: Mm‐mm.
He won't. He broke.
Only I can help replace your stuff.
(groans) Fine.
We'll get that started for you, Miss Lazandra.
Oh, excellent.
(roars)
All right, I'm gonna order sushi and watch my show.
(scatting)
(scatting continues)
(deep dance music)
SINGER: ♪♪ Oh ♪♪
♪♪ Okay ♪♪
(retro electronic music)
Welcome back to Words with Ike.
Now, today's word is a beautiful marriage
between the letters A and H.
And that word is "ah."
♪♪ ♪♪
Its definition?
How about we do a little roleplay
to see just how much emotion "ah" can express?
(phone ringing)
So the next time you've got a feeling inside
that you don't quite know how to put into words,
try opening your mouth
and saying, "ah."
♪♪ ♪♪
(ambient music)
♪♪ ♪♪
‐(growling) ‐(toy squeaking)
(toy squeaking)
(squishes)
DIZZY FAE: ♪♪ Play on my body and tug on my hair ♪♪
♪♪ ♪♪
(rock music)
It's DeVito, not the Vito.
What are you, his doctor?
Huh.
(wind blowing)
(intense tone)
♪♪ ♪♪
Hey, we should eat something. I'm starving.
Uh, I don't know if I‐‐
I'm sort of hard up for cash right now.
I could spot you.
Oh, I‐‐I don't wanna be rude.
Actually, it's ruder to just watch us eat.
Well, I'm stuck.
Everything's varying shades of rude now,
and I‐‐
I have to go to the bathroom.
(pants)
Hmm?
RONA: What are you doing, Rona?
Stealing is a crime.
(chuckles nervously)
(door clicks)
(whimpers)
Oh, God, oh, God, one of the important bills!
(harp music)
You should return the money and walk into prison.
‐Just get it over with. ‐DEVIL: Might as well spend it
on yourself since you're so selfish,
which everybody already knows!
(Italian accent) Rona, mi a‐daughter,
donate‐a the money to the Church.
She need it.
You're going to die of mercury poisoning
on January 11th, 2041.
Smoke it out.
Whoo‐hoo!
A penny saved is a penny‐‐
you've been in here for more than two minutes.
Your friends think you're taking a shit!
ALL: (chanting) Shitter, shitter.
Oh, they'll be so disappointed!
Christmas Junior. What do you call it?
Easter.
Sorry I took so long, I‐‐
I don't know what to do. I'm in deep, guys.
It's too much. First I had no money,
then I had money, but it was tainted.
Then my dad was dressed like the pope,
which I know you guys weren't there for,
but it's a very loaded image for me.
Why is everything so stressful?
(child coughs)
Rona, what are you even talking about?
What happened?
Okay, so you know how money‐‐
A‐ha! You're on Moral Dilemma,
the Internet's only hidden camera show
where we force strangers into moral dilemmas
and film their reactions...
BOTH: Without their permission.
I'm 38.
Congrats, you're the first person to take the $100
and then have a full‐on panic attack.
Wait, you've been filming me this entire time?
Yeah.
Also, I have a son in middle school.
I'm going to be on the Internet?
Yeah, isn't that great?
No, people are going to perceive me.
Well, you should have thought of that
before you existed alongside us in reality.
You have to pull that video!
Never.
(hyperventilating)
(screams)
I can't take all of this responsibility!
(intense tone)
(siren noise)
All right, asshole, you're under arrest.
No, but‐‐but why?
I did the right thing!
I tried to get rid of my ill‐gotten gains!
Littering. This pale blue dot
is our shared responsibility.
I‐‐I did everything right.
I did everything right.
Now that's what I call footage.
Noice!
Looks like we're gonna have to go bail Rona out.
Come on, Swan Boy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold up.
COHOST: The world's only hidden camera show‐‐
Ooh, money.
Early to bed, early to‐‐
Cram it, old man, or I'll break you into 20s.
(screams)
(surreal electronic music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(echoing voices) Konnichiwa.
Goodbye.
ALL: Bye‐bye.
Sayonara.
♪♪ ♪♪
ALL: Sayonara.
Sayonara.
♪♪ ♪♪
(nostalgic ukulele music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(gunshot)
I'm just so sick of it!
(gunshot)
I'm just so sick of it.
(gunshot)
‐I'm just so sick of it. ‐(gunshot)
(whispering) I'm just so sick of it.
(gunshot)
(guns fire repeatedly)
(exhales)
I'd like to get in the water soon.
The water?
We've been here for days,
and that's all you ever talk about.
Why do you keep demanding that I get in the water?
You can't make me get in that water.
I love the water.
I've spent too much of my life on land.
Do whatever you want, but I'm getting wet.
But we're on vacation together.
Vacation doesn't mean you do everything together.
Then what's the point?
Oh, Bonnie.
The point is to rest and relax
and discover the things you enjoy doing in your free time.
Oh, Joanne, I'm so sorry.
Maybe I would enjoy
a solo alfresco luncheon on the lanai.
It's just...
Roger never telephoned.
Oh, Joanne, I thought he was the one.
(gasps)
(suspenseful music)
♪♪ ♪♪
‐Specialist. ‐Roger.
Hello, girls.
‐Specialist? ‐Roger?
♪♪ ♪♪
(ambient music)
♪♪ ♪♪
Chop, chop, chop. Choppity chop.
Kevin, thanks for telling us your secret recipe.
Well, it's not much of a secret anymore, is it?
Maybe not, but we're making way more sauce this way, right?
Huh, Trobotto's doing well.
Yeah, he's really coming back.
At first, I was like, "This dude is done,"
but then he pulled out the sword of light
and harnessed the power of the stars.
‐Sword of light! ‐(energy buzzes)
(screams)
Ow!
Oh, oh, friends.
The sauce! Quickly!
Order up!
Ooh, hot. Hot, hot, hot, hot.
(swallows) Thank you.
Oh, you beautiful creatures.
Aww.
Not that beautiful.
(shouts)
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Excuse me, did you pay for that?
Pay? But you're my Earth friends.
I am Trobotto.
Um...
(voice cracking) I am damaged and require‐‐
Ernesto, do you know this fool?
Nope.
(intense music)
(sighs)
♪♪ ♪♪
Gulp, gulp, gulp.
Ahh, thank you.
Is the bread complimentary?
Bread is extra.
Hmm, what to do?
What to do?
‐How much extra? ‐(shouts)
Oh, God.
All righty, let's get back to it.
Maybe we should wrap up early
and get back to the dinner party.
I'm pretty hungry now.
Ooh, we could order pizza.
Yeah, we'll eat while we work.
BOTH: Super efficient.
(groans)
NATALIA: (sighs) So,
you were the spy all along, Fernando.
Living in disguise.
‐TURT: (sobs) ‐No, Natalia.
Living...in love.
(smooching)
TROBOTTO: (yelling)
(slurping)
Oh, Fernando.
Chef, we're running low on celery here.
Running low on tomatoes, too.
Someone needs to do a supply run.
Fine, I'll go.
(electronic music)
(groans) Hey, Mr. Tran.
‐MR. TRAN: Ah, Kevin. ‐(sighs)
MR. TRAN: Hey, what's wrong?
I've never seen you so upset about buying celery.
Well, you know those giant things
that are fighting in the sky?
Oh, yes.
The dragon and robot. Sure, why?
Well, I was throwing a dinner party for my friends,
but instead, we ended up cooking
a bunch of secret spaghetti sauce for the dragon
because she's paying us thousands of dollars.
But then the robot started paying us too.
And I guess it's because the secret spaghetti sauce
is so good that it makes them fight harder,
but I just feel like
I'm not totally cool with all of it.
That's messed up.
It totally screws up your dinner party.
Exactly!
It's like my friends don't even care.
Oh, Kevin, if your friends are as cool
as you always say they are, they'll listen to you.
And if they don't,
then you cut them out of your life,
and you never speak to them again.
And you hold that grudge forever.
Thank you, Mr. Tran.
You're so wise.
Have a good dinner party. (laughs)
Goodbye to you.
(upbeat electronic music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(upbeat music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(muffled TV noise)
Oh, my God.
What the heck? (laughs)
(distorted speech)
Why would you do it?
MAN ON TV: No one hates me as much as I hate myself.
Oh, come on, dude.
(piano melody)
Mm‐mm. This isn't what it is.
Watch out, jackass, I'm gonna install the TV.
What are you talking about? It's already up.
Wait, really? You did it?
Uh‐uh, I thought you did it.
(distorted noises)
What are you watching?
(choking)
(moans)
I'm eating hair.
Some weird show is on every channel.
(smash, scream)
(fart noise)
(squeak)
(ominous music)
I'm coming.
Move.
Watch out. Move.
Unfamiliar cord.
Did you see this unfamiliar cord?
(gagging)
Stop messing with stuff.
♪♪ ♪♪
Weird box.
Did you see this weird box?
Mm‐hmm.
(banging) This box is so strange.
I've never seen a box like this in my house.
It doesn't belong here.
♪♪ ♪♪
(banging) Come on.
What are you doing? We're not allowed to do that.
You wanna fix the TV, right?
Bit, cut it out.
It's stuck. You're gonna break it.
‐Look, hey. ‐I'm gonna fix it.
‐There's a phone number here.
Call the phone number.
I'm calling‐‐ calling this number right now.
‐(line trilling) ‐Hang up.
It's not piss, it's juice.
(line trilling)
Stop it!
‐ANSWERER: Problem? ‐Hey, hey, yeah.
I'm actually having
a little bit of a problem right now.
ANSWERER: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, pal.
I don't need your life story. What's the problem?
Uh, okay, okay, um, uh,
there's just a guy and he's just
laying down on my TV, and I don't want to watch that.
I want to watch stuff that I like.
‐ANSWERER: Whoa, whoa, whoa. ‐Stop it.
‐ANSWERER: I'm lying down. ‐(inaudible)
ANSWERER: That sounds like me.
Hey, Bill, I think I'm on some guy's TV.
(banging)
Jesus, are you okay?
‐ANSWERER: I'm fine. ‐I'm fine.
Thanks for asking.
(banging)
Stop it. The walls are too‐‐
(clattering)
‐(indistinct) ‐(crashing)
ANSWERER: Okay, so I'm waving my arms around.
Do you see that?
Uh...
This time it is piss.
♪♪ ♪♪
No.
ANSWERER: Jeez, maybe your TV really is broken.
(crumbling)
Let me ask you, what's this guy wearing?
Uh...
I'm wearing overalls.
O‐‐overalls.
ANSWERER: Okay, one second. Let me go get my overalls on.
You're right, I should be wearing overalls for this.
What, they're gonna hate me just 'cause
I get spit on by a bus driver?
ANSWERER: Okay, all set.
What am I doing now?
Uh, it looks like you're tap dancing.
Hey, Bill, I'm on TV. I'm dancing.
(crashing)
(grunting)
Will you stop it?
ANSWERER: What's wrong with a working man
having a passion for dancing?
What do I have here?
Is this a big, red apple?
(clattering)
(bright music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(gasps) Where the hell is my apple?
Who's got my big, red apple?
♪♪ ♪♪
ANSWERER: Is he with his parents?
Pretty flowers.
‐(laughs) ‐Uh, not currently.
ANSWERER: That makes sense. I haven't seen my parents
for a long time.
♪♪ ♪♪
‐So we got overalls‐‐ ‐Right.
‐ANSWERER: No parents. ‐Mm‐hmm.
♪♪ ♪♪
(exhales) Okay, okay, okay.
Now we're getting somewhere. Now we're getting somewhere.
♪♪ ♪♪
James, look at it.
‐All right, so, ‐Just wait a minute.
‐Look! Look at this. ‐What I need you to do
is get as close as possible to the TV
and see if you, like‐‐
‐Look at this thing. ‐ANSWERER: If you can smell‐‐
if he smells like a‐‐ I gotta tell you,
I haven't taken a bath in days.
♪♪ ♪♪
Hey,
maybe I'm not such a rotten, dirty piece of shit.
Maybe people like me.
‐(intense music) ‐(screams)
♪♪ ♪♪
(screaming)
(retches)
(crushing, shattering)
(retching)
Oh, my God.
The guy just fucking died.
ANSWERER: What? I'm dead?
Are you sure I'm dead?
Yeah, dude. He's bleeding and everything.
It's gross.
ANSWERER: Hey, Bill, do I look dead to you?
Didn't think so.
Sorry, pal, that ain't me.
All right, so sounds like we solved your problem.
I'm gonna go ahead and disconnect this phone.
Thanks for giving me something to think about.
‐Goodbye. ‐(phone beeps)
I don't know. I guess that fixed it.
Yeah, I fixed it.
(static)
(ominous music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(hammer bangs)
♪♪ ♪♪
(ambient music)
♪♪ ♪♪
Hello.
Welcome to a special Words With Ike
Pronunciation Investigative Report.
Today, we take a look at one of the greatest questions
plaguing humankind throughout its history.
Is it tuh‐mah‐tow or tuh‐may‐tow?
Our team of researchers has been working around the clock
to bring you a definitive answer.
They're going to play that answer for me
through a pair of headphones,
and I'll deliver their findings to you right now.
Headphones, please.
(dramatic music)
Okay, the, uh, headphones are on.
Uh, we can hit play.
Uh, turn it up a touch.
‐Thank you. ‐(muffled voice)
All right, play it back.
(rewind distortion)
(muffled voice)
Got it.
It's tuh‐may‐tow.
(retro electronic melody)
♪♪ ♪♪
DIZZY FAE: ♪♪ Ooh ♪♪
♪♪ It'd be so cruel if I didn't let my ♪♪
♪♪ B‐b‐body move ♪♪
(dramatic music)
TROBOTTO: My sword!
(shattering)
♪♪ ♪♪
Arm cannon!
♪♪ ♪♪
(roars)
(whooshing)
♪♪ ♪♪
(thunderous explosion)
(metal clattering)
Hey, Kev. That was quick.
Super efficient. Dump those veggies over here.
I don't want to do this anymore.
What, stand on the table?
No, not stand on the table.
I don't want to cook for those
futuristic monster things anymore.
I want to have a dinner party with my friends.
We can make it more of a party up here.
‐Let's put some music on. ‐No, no.
No more creative uses of the words "party" and "dinner."
I'm out.
If either of you want to attend an actual dinner party,
you know where to find me.
Kevin, wait. (sighs)
‐We can shut it down. ‐(sighs)
A dinner party sounds good.
‐Really? ‐Yeah,
I'm super hungry now, too.
Listen, why don't we just finish making
this one last pot of sauce?
That dragon has given us, over, like, $20,000,
and I just kind of feel like we owe it to her at this point.
All right, that's fair.
LAZANDRA: Wait, what do you mean
you're not gonna make any more?
We're done. This is the last batch.
And we're taking some for ourselves.
Wait, did I not pay you enough?
It's got nothing to do with the money.
What's going on?
They don't want to cook anymore!
Why not? I paid you guys 20 bucks.
Wait, excuse me? How much?
A‐as I already made clear,
this has nothing to do with the money.
We just have a prior commitment
that we need to get to tonight, that's all.
And you two should stop fighting.
You're clearly meant for each other.
‐Hey, Kevin... ‐Stop.
Let's actually not upset the violent giants
more than we have to.
If they want to fight, that's on them.
So, we good here or what?
If you won't make more sauce, then simply give us the recipe.
Affirmative. So we may replicate it.
All right, fine. I'll send you the link.
It's, like, the very first search result
for spaghetti sauce.
Then we will take the remaining sauce
and do battle elsewhere.
Perhaps another dimension.
Or another point in time.
Yeah, either of those are good.
(dramatic tone)
Goodbye, Ken.
Goodbye, Earth friends of Ken. (whooshes)
(mysterious tone)
Hmm, well, that was fun.
Yeah, they were nice...ish.
And how much did we make for 2 hours of work?
‐We made 21,020 bucks. ‐(whistles)
Man, we probably should have
kept doing that for a while, huh?
What about all the stuff I said?
Regarding friendship and dinner?
No, yeah. That‐‐that stuff was pr‐‐
probably right.
You know, no‐‐no regrets.
TURT: Oh, man.
You never know what's gonna explode in that show.
Or who's gonna make out.
But it's usually Natasha and Fernando.
(chuckles) They're nasty.
To dinner party.
ALL: Cheers!
Oh, my God, that's good.
Mm‐hmm‐hmm‐hmm.
Mmm, Kevin, this is amaze‐tastic!
Aw, I'm glad you all like it.
I don't just like it, I love it.
High kick!
(whoosh)
(grunts)
ALL: Yes!
(upbeat music)
DIZZY FAE: ♪♪ Oh, I'm nasty ♪♪
♪♪ Gotta keep it freaky ♪♪
♪♪ Starting at my best so I always keep it sticky ♪♪
♪♪ Icky, licky, put it on my kidney ♪♪
♪♪ Maybe rearrange everything that came with me ♪♪
♪♪ B‐b‐body move ♪♪
♪♪ I just might do it some more ♪♪
♪♪ Ooh ♪♪
♪♪ It'd be so cruel if I didn't let my ♪♪
♪♪ B‐b‐body move ♪♪
♪♪ Ooh, I just might ♪♪
♪♪ I just ooh, ooh, ooh ♪♪
♪♪ I just might ♪♪
♪♪ Mm, this a fucking love song ♪♪
♪♪ Ooh it'd be so cruel
♪♪ If I didn't let my body move ♪♪
♪♪ I just might do it some more ♪♪
♪♪ B‐b‐body move ♪♪
‐(clear music) ‐CHORUS: ♪♪ Yes ♪♪