1
00:00:11,800 --> 00:00:13,538
(crickets chirping)

2
00:00:13,604 --> 00:00:14,573
Ah‐‐

3
00:00:16,309 --> 00:00:19,783
(soft music)

4
00:00:19,850 --> 00:00:26,429
♪♪ ♪♪

5
00:00:28,300 --> 00:00:31,439
(perky music)

6
00:00:31,507 --> 00:00:35,447
♪♪ ♪♪

7
00:00:35,515 --> 00:00:38,353
(sighs) Do you ever get
nostalgic for things you

8
00:00:38,420 --> 00:00:40,558
‐didn't actually experience?
‐(phone buzzes)

9
00:00:40,625 --> 00:00:42,261
Ugh.

10
00:00:42,328 --> 00:00:43,598
Like the Mongol
conquest?

11
00:00:43,664 --> 00:00:46,336
I was thinking
more like the '60s.

12
00:00:46,402 --> 00:00:48,306
Oh, now that
takes me back‐‐

13
00:00:48,373 --> 00:00:51,580
the 1260s
when we conquered Damascus.

14
00:00:51,647 --> 00:00:53,116
You know, personally
I've always felt like

15
00:00:53,183 --> 00:00:54,553
I should have been
born earlier.

16
00:00:54,620 --> 00:00:56,256
‐Like, how earlier?
‐I don't know.

17
00:00:56,322 --> 00:01:00,030
Anywhere from like
100 to 5,000 years ago.

18
00:01:00,097 --> 00:01:02,268
You wish you were born
5,000 years ago?

19
00:01:02,334 --> 00:01:03,638
Yeah! Probably
would have been

20
00:01:03,704 --> 00:01:05,608
the queen of my own barbarian
tribe or something.

21
00:01:05,675 --> 00:01:08,881
I would way rather do that
than work in an office.

22
00:01:08,948 --> 00:01:10,551
Tanya,
I totally agree.

23
00:01:10,618 --> 00:01:12,221
I probably
would have been

24
00:01:12,288 --> 00:01:14,258
the magistrate
of an ancient city,

25
00:01:14,325 --> 00:01:15,595
and we might've
even been friends.

26
00:01:15,662 --> 00:01:17,766
Yes! We definitely
would have been friends.

27
00:01:17,832 --> 00:01:20,037
You would provide grain
for my people,

28
00:01:20,103 --> 00:01:23,844
and my warriors would offer not
to destroy your city in return.

29
00:01:23,911 --> 00:01:25,480
That does
sound like me.

30
00:01:25,548 --> 00:01:27,786
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
ancient times were terrifying

31
00:01:27,852 --> 00:01:28,988
and filled with danger.

32
00:01:29,055 --> 00:01:32,094
Uh, yeah, that's why
I would be the danger, dude.

33
00:01:32,161 --> 00:01:34,131
And that's why
I would pay her off.

34
00:01:34,198 --> 00:01:35,300
(phone buzzing)

35
00:01:35,367 --> 00:01:36,637
Tanya, hey,
is that your phone?

36
00:01:36,704 --> 00:01:38,674
Ugh, yeah,
it's probably work.

37
00:01:38,741 --> 00:01:41,647
I'm juggling like 37 projects
right now.

38
00:01:41,714 --> 00:01:42,816
But it's Saturday.

39
00:01:42,882 --> 00:01:45,622
Unfortunately,
Saturday is the new Thursday.

40
00:01:45,688 --> 00:01:46,857
What's Thursday then?

41
00:01:46,924 --> 00:01:48,193
Thursday
has always been Tuesday.

42
00:01:48,259 --> 00:01:50,297
Mm. Nobody tells me
these things.

43
00:01:50,364 --> 00:01:51,934
(Tanya groans)

44
00:01:52,001 --> 00:01:53,303
See, if this was ancient times,

45
00:01:53,370 --> 00:01:54,873
nobody would be able to
text me on the weekend.

46
00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:58,346
Yeah, and I wouldn't have to
run my online T‐shirt business.

47
00:01:58,413 --> 00:02:00,317
I could've run
an ancient city.

48
00:02:00,384 --> 00:02:02,989
Kevin, you love
your online T‐shirt business.

49
00:02:03,056 --> 00:02:04,325
What about person carrot?

50
00:02:04,392 --> 00:02:05,962
KEVIN: Designing cute things
to put on T‐shirts

51
00:02:06,029 --> 00:02:07,766
just isn't my destiny.

52
00:02:07,832 --> 00:02:09,970
I want a cooler destiny
than that,

53
00:02:10,037 --> 00:02:13,009
one that's not tied up
in frivolous consumer goods

54
00:02:13,076 --> 00:02:14,713
and brilliant comedic wordplay.

55
00:02:14,780 --> 00:02:17,886
Sadly, Kev, our destinies
may lie in the past.

56
00:02:17,952 --> 00:02:19,155
(both sigh)

57
00:02:19,221 --> 00:02:20,457
I have an idea.

58
00:02:20,525 --> 00:02:22,394
How about we go to the
Museum of Ancient History?

59
00:02:22,461 --> 00:02:24,566
That way, we can see
how horrible and scary

60
00:02:24,633 --> 00:02:26,269
old times
actually would have been.

61
00:02:26,336 --> 00:02:28,641
‐KEVIN: Ugh, fine.
‐Ugh!

62
00:02:28,708 --> 00:02:33,818
♪♪ ♪♪

63
00:02:35,555 --> 00:02:36,824
ERNESTO:
This can't be it.

64
00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:38,494
KEVIN: It says
"Ancient History Museum."

65
00:02:38,561 --> 00:02:42,267
Shit, we were looking for
the Museum of Ancient History.

66
00:02:42,334 --> 00:02:45,273
‐TANYA: Uh, same thing?
‐Meh, I guess.

67
00:02:45,340 --> 00:02:47,144
(ominous chords)

68
00:02:47,211 --> 00:02:48,781
All...right.

69
00:02:48,848 --> 00:02:51,419
What terrifying lessons of
the past should we learn first?

70
00:02:51,486 --> 00:02:55,293
Ooh, terrifying, you say?

71
00:02:56,563 --> 00:02:59,301
Oh, sorry, is this
the Museum of Ancient History?

72
00:02:59,368 --> 00:03:01,507
This is the Ancient
History Museum.

73
00:03:01,573 --> 00:03:02,675
Same thingy.

74
00:03:02,742 --> 00:03:05,347
Now, what was that
about terror?

75
00:03:05,414 --> 00:03:08,219
Are we scared
about the ancient world

76
00:03:08,286 --> 00:03:10,491
and its many wonders
and also mysteriosisosis?

77
00:03:10,558 --> 00:03:12,127
(Kevin laughing)
I'm not scared.

78
00:03:12,194 --> 00:03:13,864
I'm just trying
to show my friends

79
00:03:13,931 --> 00:03:16,035
that we have it way better
in modern times,

80
00:03:16,102 --> 00:03:18,774
and living in the ancient world
was constantly horrible.

81
00:03:18,841 --> 00:03:21,145
Well, what if I was
to tell you

82
00:03:21,212 --> 00:03:23,183
that you are incorrect
about me,

83
00:03:23,249 --> 00:03:25,621
and that, and this,
and everything?

84
00:03:25,688 --> 00:03:26,590
(gasps) Oh!

85
00:03:26,657 --> 00:03:28,059
That's exactly what
I was saying.

86
00:03:28,126 --> 00:03:30,330
Well, then you've come to
the right place, tasty dudes!

87
00:03:30,397 --> 00:03:32,301
Who wants
to see some cool swords?

88
00:03:32,367 --> 00:03:34,105
‐BOTH: I do.
‐Well, great!

89
00:03:34,171 --> 00:03:35,875
My next tour starts
right now!

90
00:03:35,942 --> 00:03:38,046
Follow me!
Come, come, come, come!

91
00:03:38,113 --> 00:03:40,350
‐Oh, my God, I love you.
‐Um...

92
00:03:40,417 --> 00:03:42,087
MY name is Gil, BTWs.

93
00:03:42,154 --> 00:03:45,060
It's short for Gilandrical,
Gilandrical Kartorious.

94
00:03:45,127 --> 00:03:46,930
KEVIN: Weird name.
I love it.

95
00:03:46,997 --> 00:03:48,299
GIL: Yes, it's very old,

96
00:03:48,366 --> 00:03:50,137
just like everything
in this museum.

97
00:03:50,203 --> 00:03:52,609
Mm, uh...

98
00:03:52,675 --> 00:03:55,180
In ancient times, pretty
much everyone had swords.

99
00:03:55,247 --> 00:03:56,482
KEVIN: Really?

100
00:03:56,550 --> 00:03:58,621
It was as common as,
like, cell phones are now.

101
00:03:58,687 --> 00:04:00,157
‐Wow!
‐Swords were used

102
00:04:00,223 --> 00:04:03,964
to cut people, bread‐‐
lots of stuff.

103
00:04:04,031 --> 00:04:07,806
Um, would any of these happen
to be barbarian swords?

104
00:04:07,872 --> 00:04:09,543
Several in fact, yeah.

105
00:04:09,609 --> 00:04:12,247
This one here was wielded
by a barbarian ruler

106
00:04:12,314 --> 00:04:14,452
who almost took down
all of the Romans,

107
00:04:14,519 --> 00:04:16,824
all of those dudes
and ladies at once.

108
00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:18,460
It was really cool.
Come, you slow‐pokeys!

109
00:04:18,527 --> 00:04:20,631
Don't touch!
Let's go.

110
00:04:21,466 --> 00:04:23,203
What the‐‐hey!

111
00:04:23,269 --> 00:04:25,508
GIL: At its peak,
this great ciudad

112
00:04:25,575 --> 00:04:28,413
was home to over
50,000 inhabitants,

113
00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:30,651
and none of them
liked each other, no.

114
00:04:30,718 --> 00:04:33,089
‐No get along gang here!
‐Ooh, Gilandrical,

115
00:04:33,156 --> 00:04:34,793
can I ask a question?

116
00:04:34,860 --> 00:04:37,164
I mean, Gil is fine.
Also, yah.

117
00:04:37,231 --> 00:04:39,468
Gil, theoretically,
would someone

118
00:04:39,536 --> 00:04:41,874
who now operates
an online T‐shirt business

119
00:04:41,940 --> 00:04:43,978
have the skills necessary
to become‐‐

120
00:04:44,044 --> 00:04:46,249
oh, I don't know‐‐

121
00:04:46,315 --> 00:04:48,219
magistrate
of such a great city?

122
00:04:48,286 --> 00:04:50,323
Ha ha ha! Oh, yes.

123
00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:52,862
I think it's
a very similar skill set.

124
00:04:52,929 --> 00:04:57,104
But why settle for bureaucracy
when you could be...a god?

125
00:04:57,171 --> 00:04:59,241
‐(gasps)
‐(eerie music)

126
00:04:59,308 --> 00:05:02,281
SINGER: ♪♪ I was a badass kid,
say what? ♪♪

127
00:05:02,347 --> 00:05:03,984
♪♪ Can you pass a little
juice to your neighbor? ♪♪

128
00:05:04,051 --> 00:05:07,124
♪♪ Brand‐new crib,
say what? ♪♪

129
00:05:07,659 --> 00:05:10,898
Hi, welcome back
to "Words with Ike."

130
00:05:10,965 --> 00:05:13,871
You know,
there's an old maxim that says,

131
00:05:13,938 --> 00:05:16,977
the best way to ruin a joke
is to explain it,

132
00:05:17,044 --> 00:05:18,747
but not this time

133
00:05:18,814 --> 00:05:22,421
because today we're going
to define the word "comedy."

134
00:05:22,487 --> 00:05:24,391
(soft trilling notes)

135
00:05:24,458 --> 00:05:26,530
Hold on to your sides
for this one,

136
00:05:26,597 --> 00:05:28,166
'cause they might split.

137
00:05:28,233 --> 00:05:29,936
‐(laughter)
‐The definition:

138
00:05:30,003 --> 00:05:32,307
‐Professional entertainment...
‐(slide whistle)

139
00:05:32,374 --> 00:05:34,411
‐consisting of jokes...
‐(off‐key ding)

140
00:05:34,478 --> 00:05:36,415
‐sketches...
‐(clang, honk, quack)

141
00:05:36,482 --> 00:05:38,086
‐and ironic juxtaposition...

142
00:05:38,152 --> 00:05:39,288
(ahooga horn)

143
00:05:39,355 --> 00:05:41,727
Designed to make
an audience laugh.

144
00:05:41,793 --> 00:05:45,233
‐(rim shot)
‐(laughter)

145
00:05:45,300 --> 00:05:47,204
Ah...

146
00:05:47,271 --> 00:05:49,475
I'll be here all week.

147
00:05:49,543 --> 00:05:52,114
So, if you're a joke,

148
00:05:52,180 --> 00:05:55,555
pun, gag, wisecrack,

149
00:05:55,621 --> 00:05:57,892
or even an old chestnut,

150
00:05:57,959 --> 00:06:00,731
you might be a comedy.

151
00:06:00,798 --> 00:06:02,569
(laughter)

152
00:06:02,635 --> 00:06:05,407
(punchy music)

153
00:06:05,473 --> 00:06:08,046
(soft music)

154
00:06:11,485 --> 00:06:15,595
(soft music)

155
00:06:16,429 --> 00:06:18,166
I'm home, Gimpy!

156
00:06:18,233 --> 00:06:20,070
How's my favorite gimp?

157
00:06:20,136 --> 00:06:21,707
(yipping and panting)

158
00:06:21,773 --> 00:06:25,247
Don't play that silly game,
pretending you can't talk.

159
00:06:25,313 --> 00:06:28,052
Oh, I'm not meant to talk.
I'm a gimp.

160
00:06:28,119 --> 00:06:30,056
And such a handsome gimp.

161
00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:33,029
I'm not handsome.
I'm ugly!

162
00:06:33,096 --> 00:06:34,499
I'm depraved!

163
00:06:34,566 --> 00:06:36,737
I brought you your favorite.

164
00:06:36,803 --> 00:06:39,008
Oh, really?
Nipple clamps?

165
00:06:39,074 --> 00:06:41,245
Nice, cold gelato.

166
00:06:41,312 --> 00:06:44,285
I don't get gelato!
I want maggots!

167
00:06:44,351 --> 00:06:45,621
Well,
you can't have maggots.

168
00:06:45,688 --> 00:06:47,424
How come you never beat me?

169
00:06:47,492 --> 00:06:49,729
I want to be beaten.
I'm a gimp.

170
00:06:49,796 --> 00:06:51,098
I'm not gonna beat you.

171
00:06:51,165 --> 00:06:53,637
The gimps next door
get beaten every day.

172
00:06:53,704 --> 00:06:55,641
Well, that's not the way
we do things in our house.

173
00:06:55,708 --> 00:06:58,313
Now, what DVD do you want
to watch tonight?

174
00:06:58,379 --> 00:07:00,050
I don't want DVDs!

175
00:07:00,116 --> 00:07:02,254
I want STDs!

176
00:07:02,321 --> 00:07:04,425
How about "Love Actually"?

177
00:07:04,492 --> 00:07:05,962
Oh, fuck that!

178
00:07:06,028 --> 00:07:08,667
None of that language
in here, Gimpy.

179
00:07:08,734 --> 00:07:10,303
I'll wash your mouth out
with soap.

180
00:07:10,370 --> 00:07:13,309
Why stop at soap?
Why not use petrol?

181
00:07:13,376 --> 00:07:15,080
I want to be burned!

182
00:07:15,146 --> 00:07:16,917
No video tonight then?

183
00:07:16,984 --> 00:07:19,656
Then I guess it's beddy‐byes.
Come and give me a hug.

184
00:07:19,723 --> 00:07:22,094
‐Humph.
‐Gimpy.

185
00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:24,298
(murmuring)
All right.

186
00:07:24,365 --> 00:07:28,239
Ah, bear hug?
Crack my ribs!

187
00:07:28,306 --> 00:07:31,012
Sweet dreams, Gimpy.

188
00:07:31,078 --> 00:07:33,884
Don't you get it?

189
00:07:33,951 --> 00:07:35,788
I am a gimp!

190
00:07:35,855 --> 00:07:39,328
I want to be tormented!

191
00:07:39,395 --> 00:07:41,533
What do you think
I'm doing now?

192
00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:44,104
(funky music)

193
00:07:44,171 --> 00:07:45,608
(crash)

194
00:07:45,675 --> 00:07:49,949
SINGERS: ♪♪ Y'all trash,
basura, meant nothing to ya ♪♪

195
00:07:50,016 --> 00:07:54,458
These statues represent the
gods of an ancient pantheon.

196
00:07:54,526 --> 00:07:57,632
You've got such classics
as cow person,

197
00:07:57,699 --> 00:08:01,873
cat person, regular cow,
bear person...

198
00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:03,877
‐What the f‐‐
‐GIL: And of course,

199
00:08:03,944 --> 00:08:05,915
this kick‐ass bird/lion hybrid!

200
00:08:05,981 --> 00:08:07,719
(gasps)
That guy looks like me!

201
00:08:07,785 --> 00:08:09,656
Except even more beautiful!

202
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:12,495
Oh, he does look
like you, huh?

203
00:08:12,562 --> 00:08:14,866
Is no one else
weirded out by this?

204
00:08:14,933 --> 00:08:17,137
These things
look exactly like us.

205
00:08:17,204 --> 00:08:20,043
‐Which one looks like you?
‐Ha. The bear one, obviously.

206
00:08:20,110 --> 00:08:22,749
‐Uh...
‐Eh, not really, dude.

207
00:08:22,815 --> 00:08:25,186
Yeah, that statue is in way
better shape than you are.

208
00:08:25,253 --> 00:08:28,059
It's a statue.
It can't be in shape.

209
00:08:28,126 --> 00:08:30,363
It's made of dirty old clay
or whatever.

210
00:08:30,430 --> 00:08:33,269
It's actually made
of an indestructible minerality

211
00:08:33,336 --> 00:08:36,275
found only at the deepest parts
of the ocean.

212
00:08:36,342 --> 00:08:39,014
Nobody knows how this ancient
civilization even got it.

213
00:08:39,081 --> 00:08:41,653
Okay, I don't believe any of
the shit this dude is saying.

214
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:43,256
Ernesto, chill, dude.

215
00:08:43,322 --> 00:08:45,293
Are you jealous
because I have a hot statue

216
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:48,066
‐and you don't?
‐I have a hot statue, too!

217
00:08:48,132 --> 00:08:49,368
That's why it's weird!

218
00:08:49,435 --> 00:08:52,107
It's just
a coincidenciality,

219
00:08:52,174 --> 00:08:54,044
an occurrence of things
that are just weird

220
00:08:54,111 --> 00:08:55,715
but do not mean anything,
guys!

221
00:08:55,781 --> 00:08:56,950
Relaxy, please.

222
00:08:57,017 --> 00:08:58,721
We haven't even
seen the mummy yet.

223
00:08:58,787 --> 00:09:00,758
‐You have a mummy?
‐Hells, yeah,

224
00:09:00,825 --> 00:09:02,628
we got those mummies!
Let's go.

225
00:09:02,695 --> 00:09:05,033
(Kevin laughs)

226
00:09:05,100 --> 00:09:07,437
(grunts)

227
00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:10,911
Damn it.
Oh, hey, wait, you guys!

228
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:14,786
I've been getting weird vibes
ever since we walked in here,

229
00:09:14,853 --> 00:09:17,023
and now this guy wants
to show us a mummy?

230
00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:20,865
‐That's a literal dead body.
‐It's a super old dead body.

231
00:09:20,931 --> 00:09:23,069
‐It doesn't count.
‐It's called an antique.

232
00:09:23,136 --> 00:09:25,674
Antique or not,
this place is weird.

233
00:09:25,741 --> 00:09:27,645
Gil is creepy,
and I say we go home.

234
00:09:27,712 --> 00:09:28,814
No, I can't.

235
00:09:28,881 --> 00:09:30,751
The longer I spend here,
the closer I feel

236
00:09:30,818 --> 00:09:33,322
to my ancient destiny
as a barbarian ruler.

237
00:09:33,389 --> 00:09:34,959
It is intoxicating.

238
00:09:35,026 --> 00:09:36,830
And the longer
I spend here,

239
00:09:36,897 --> 00:09:39,736
the more I realize I would have
made an incredible god.

240
00:09:39,803 --> 00:09:41,840
One of the best gods,
Ernesto.

241
00:09:41,907 --> 00:09:44,077
Come on!
Let's go check out this mummy.

242
00:09:44,144 --> 00:09:45,948
Fine, I'll look
at the dead person,

243
00:09:46,015 --> 00:09:48,152
but if anyone tries to sell us
a museum membership,

244
00:09:48,219 --> 00:09:49,722
I am outta here.

245
00:09:49,789 --> 00:09:50,858
‐KEVIN: Of course!
‐Of course, let's go.

246
00:09:50,925 --> 00:09:52,160
ERNESTO: They make you
feel really bad

247
00:09:52,227 --> 00:09:53,864
if you try to cancel‐‐
that's why I still have

248
00:09:53,931 --> 00:09:55,668
my membership
at the Kaleidoscope Museum.

249
00:09:55,734 --> 00:09:57,170
KEVIN: Oh, I love
the Kaleidoscope Museum.

250
00:09:57,237 --> 00:10:00,076
It's my favorite
Kaleidoscope‐based institution.

251
00:10:00,143 --> 00:10:03,149
Willkommen to the Mummy Room.

252
00:10:03,216 --> 00:10:05,386
This is the Great Queen.

253
00:10:05,453 --> 00:10:09,161
‐TANYA: Oh, the Great Queen?
‐GIL: The greatest of all time.

254
00:10:09,228 --> 00:10:10,898
She ruled an empire.

255
00:10:10,965 --> 00:10:14,138
She commanded thousands
of loyal followers.

256
00:10:14,204 --> 00:10:16,977
And she was apparently
super easy to talk to,

257
00:10:17,043 --> 00:10:19,248
just like a really
wunderbar personality.

258
00:10:19,314 --> 00:10:20,718
Everybody said so.

259
00:10:20,784 --> 00:10:24,091
Damn, that kind of power,
that kind of leadership?

260
00:10:24,158 --> 00:10:27,130
I bet nobody would email her
about work on a Saturday.

261
00:10:27,197 --> 00:10:30,470
Uh, definitely not, they would
have been immediately exiled.

262
00:10:30,538 --> 00:10:32,207
What was this queen's name?

263
00:10:32,274 --> 00:10:34,278
Her name was Tanya.

264
00:10:34,344 --> 00:10:35,815
‐TANYA: What?
‐ERNESTO: Oh, come on!

265
00:10:35,881 --> 00:10:37,585
KEVIN: Oh, my God, Tanya.
That's your name.

266
00:10:37,652 --> 00:10:39,488
Are you messing with me,
Gilandrius?

267
00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:42,528
Gilandrical or Gil,
and wait a minute.

268
00:10:42,595 --> 00:10:45,266
What‐‐are you saying to me

269
00:10:45,333 --> 00:10:48,172
that your name is Tanya?

270
00:10:48,239 --> 00:10:51,212
And you look like
that hot birdie?

271
00:10:51,278 --> 00:10:54,484
And you're...also here?

272
00:10:54,552 --> 00:10:56,823
What a weird series
of coincidinkies,

273
00:10:56,890 --> 00:10:58,527
which, as we all know...

274
00:10:58,594 --> 00:11:00,296
ALL: Is an occurrence of things

275
00:11:00,363 --> 00:11:02,835
that are just weird
but don't mean anything.

276
00:11:02,902 --> 00:11:04,338
Are you guys even listening
to yourselves?

277
00:11:04,404 --> 00:11:07,010
Can you not be downer
for like five seconds

278
00:11:07,077 --> 00:11:08,947
of this museum experience?

279
00:11:09,014 --> 00:11:11,820
‐Learn!
‐It's almost too perfect.

280
00:11:11,887 --> 00:11:14,626
No...yes...maybe?

281
00:11:14,692 --> 00:11:16,863
But also could be‐‐
but it can't be.

282
00:11:16,930 --> 00:11:18,834
(gasps)
The tour is over!

283
00:11:18,901 --> 00:11:20,403
The museum is closed!
Auf wiedersehen!

284
00:11:20,470 --> 00:11:21,540
Gil, wait!

285
00:11:21,606 --> 00:11:24,512
Shit,
what a half‐assed tour.

286
00:11:24,579 --> 00:11:26,348
We only saw
like two rooms.

287
00:11:26,415 --> 00:11:28,452
Let's just get out of here.

288
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,724
Oh, no, we're locked in.

289
00:11:30,791 --> 00:11:33,129
Gilandrical, Gilandrical!

290
00:11:33,196 --> 00:11:35,534
Wow, where did he run off to?

291
00:11:35,601 --> 00:11:37,672
Maybe he had to...
(quietly) poo.

292
00:11:37,738 --> 00:11:40,978
He did not have to poo
because he...

293
00:11:41,045 --> 00:11:43,115
‐is me!
‐(dramatic musical sting)

294
00:11:43,182 --> 00:11:44,619
Oh, Gil, cool.

295
00:11:44,686 --> 00:11:46,890
Uh, can you open the door so we
can leave your weird museum?

296
00:11:46,957 --> 00:11:48,961
I'm afraid I cannot.

297
00:11:49,027 --> 00:11:51,131
Explain yourself,
Gilandrical!

298
00:11:51,198 --> 00:11:53,269
It's Gil, excuse me,
and for years,

299
00:11:53,336 --> 00:11:55,741
I've searched
for the perfect hosts,

300
00:11:55,808 --> 00:12:00,016
the Queen, the Bird,
and the Bear.

301
00:12:00,083 --> 00:12:02,755
Yeah, I don't know.
Doesn't really look like him.

302
00:12:02,822 --> 00:12:04,626
I know.
This one's a stretch.

303
00:12:04,692 --> 00:12:06,730
Dude, it totally
looks like me.

304
00:12:06,796 --> 00:12:08,834
If I was, like,
a little more shredded,

305
00:12:08,901 --> 00:12:10,704
you would definitely see it.

306
00:12:10,771 --> 00:12:12,508
It's no matter.
It's close enough, okay?

307
00:12:12,575 --> 00:12:17,250
Tonight the Great Queen and
her revered deities rise again.

308
00:12:17,317 --> 00:12:19,923
Their spirits
will fuse with yours,

309
00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:23,262
and they will walk the Earth
once more through you.

310
00:12:23,329 --> 00:12:25,734
Either you come willingly,
or I‐‐

311
00:12:25,801 --> 00:12:27,137
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

312
00:12:27,203 --> 00:12:29,742
You want to give me the powers
of this ancient queen

313
00:12:29,809 --> 00:12:32,347
and basically make me
the new queen?

314
00:12:32,414 --> 00:12:35,521
That's correct,
and then through dark magic‐‐

315
00:12:35,587 --> 00:12:36,656
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

316
00:12:36,723 --> 00:12:38,259
And would I get
to set my own hours?

317
00:12:38,326 --> 00:12:40,063
Oh, sure, yeah, yeah,
you would totally be in charge.

318
00:12:40,129 --> 00:12:42,802
And could we confirm
that I would be a god,

319
00:12:42,868 --> 00:12:44,071
one of the best around?

320
00:12:44,137 --> 00:12:47,778
One of the best of all
of the arounds.

321
00:12:47,845 --> 00:12:49,481
Well, that's all
I need to hear.

322
00:12:49,549 --> 00:12:51,051
‐I'm in.
‐Way ahead of you, dude.

323
00:12:51,118 --> 00:12:52,855
‐Whoa, whoa, whoa‐‐
‐Ernesto, look at me.

324
00:12:52,922 --> 00:12:56,128
You're telling me you
don't want to be a god?

325
00:12:56,195 --> 00:12:58,399
They're even making
an exception for you!

326
00:12:58,466 --> 00:13:01,171
Okay, ignoring the fact that
I'm a shoo‐in for the god

327
00:13:01,238 --> 00:13:02,908
due to obvious physical
similarities,

328
00:13:02,975 --> 00:13:05,013
this whole thing feels weird.

329
00:13:05,079 --> 00:13:07,117
‐We should leave.
‐Come on.

330
00:13:07,183 --> 00:13:08,520
Now.

331
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:12,828
Oh, come on, Ernesto.
You're ruining the vibe.

332
00:13:12,895 --> 00:13:14,231
‐Come on.
‐Come on!

333
00:13:14,298 --> 00:13:15,701
‐HENCHMAN: Just do it, man.
‐Come on.

334
00:13:15,768 --> 00:13:17,571
All right, all right, geez.

335
00:13:17,638 --> 00:13:19,207
You guys are so annoying.

336
00:13:19,274 --> 00:13:23,449
TANYA: Yes, peer pressure
for the win!

337
00:13:23,517 --> 00:13:26,088
(soft music)

338
00:13:29,495 --> 00:13:33,369
(soft music)

339
00:13:36,976 --> 00:13:40,383
Mm, bath toast.
What could go wrong?

340
00:13:40,450 --> 00:13:41,686
(gulps)

341
00:13:41,753 --> 00:13:45,828
Aah! Consequences!
My only weakness!

342
00:13:47,498 --> 00:13:51,873
(eerie music)

343
00:13:51,940 --> 00:13:54,979
So this is Hell. Huh.

344
00:13:55,046 --> 00:13:57,150
‐(screaming)
‐Not so bad.

345
00:13:57,217 --> 00:13:58,920
(patriotic flute music)

346
00:13:58,987 --> 00:14:00,924
George Washington‐‐oh, slavery?

347
00:14:00,991 --> 00:14:02,828
Oh, yeah, big time.

348
00:14:02,895 --> 00:14:04,197
There you are!

349
00:14:04,264 --> 00:14:07,137
You're supposed to be in line
to be judged.

350
00:14:07,203 --> 00:14:10,209
But if you insist
on breaking Hell's rules,

351
00:14:10,276 --> 00:14:14,184
I suppose we can make
a special example out of you.

352
00:14:14,251 --> 00:14:17,925
Here are all of the people
who you wronged in life.

353
00:14:17,992 --> 00:14:19,261
Who's this asshole?

354
00:14:19,327 --> 00:14:22,100
This was a child to whom
you sold a cigarette.

355
00:14:22,167 --> 00:14:24,137
So the kid's in Hell?

356
00:14:24,204 --> 00:14:26,509
No, this is the idea
of the kid.

357
00:14:26,576 --> 00:14:28,513
‐So the kid's fine?
‐Well, the kid

358
00:14:28,580 --> 00:14:30,617
got a little sick
from the cigarette.

359
00:14:30,684 --> 00:14:33,189
So he learned not to smoke?
I'm not seeing a problem here.

360
00:14:33,255 --> 00:14:35,393
Okay, well,
here's your third grade teacher

361
00:14:35,460 --> 00:14:38,600
who you drove
clinically insane.

362
00:14:38,667 --> 00:14:41,138
Turns out, I had ADD.

363
00:14:41,205 --> 00:14:42,541
Okay, I don't think
that's on me.

364
00:14:42,608 --> 00:14:44,311
You know, even if it was,
better to know.

365
00:14:44,377 --> 00:14:45,614
It's true.

366
00:14:45,681 --> 00:14:48,352
‐I learned a number of coping‐‐
‐All right, enough.

367
00:14:48,419 --> 00:14:50,223
Here's millions of iterations

368
00:14:50,289 --> 00:14:52,962
of your so‐called
best friend Noel,

369
00:14:53,028 --> 00:14:55,466
one for each time
you wronged him.

370
00:14:55,534 --> 00:14:57,872
Oh, my God, who cares?

371
00:14:57,938 --> 00:15:00,176
Okay, what's next?
I'm not made of time.

372
00:15:00,243 --> 00:15:04,619
Welcome to the Too Much
of a Good Thing Chamber.

373
00:15:04,685 --> 00:15:06,556
Swan Boy, in life,

374
00:15:06,623 --> 00:15:10,430
you loved watching
epic soldier fail videos.

375
00:15:10,497 --> 00:15:13,369
Let's see just how much
you love them.

376
00:15:13,436 --> 00:15:14,539
(cackling)

377
00:15:14,605 --> 00:15:16,475
(shrill scream)

378
00:15:16,543 --> 00:15:18,547
(Swan Boy laughing)

379
00:15:18,613 --> 00:15:20,082
SWAN BOY: Oh, my God,
this guy comes home from war,

380
00:15:20,149 --> 00:15:21,619
and his son
doesn't even recognize him.

381
00:15:21,686 --> 00:15:25,159
‐What a loser.
‐You watched all the videos?

382
00:15:25,226 --> 00:15:27,698
‐Wait, there's more than one?
‐(steam whistle)

383
00:15:27,765 --> 00:15:30,169
Okay, you know what?
I'm overthinking this.

384
00:15:30,236 --> 00:15:32,975
Gotta do some just good
old‐fashioned torture.

385
00:15:33,042 --> 00:15:35,313
Ooh, my safe word
is Baltimore.

386
00:15:35,379 --> 00:15:37,150
‐What?
‐Charm City, baby.

387
00:15:39,889 --> 00:15:42,427
(grunting)

388
00:15:42,495 --> 00:15:44,999
‐Are we starting soon?
‐How?

389
00:15:45,066 --> 00:15:48,607
(distorted voice reading)

390
00:15:48,673 --> 00:15:51,311
(grunting)

391
00:15:51,378 --> 00:15:53,984
That's strange‐‐no screams.

392
00:15:54,050 --> 00:15:55,621
Hello.

393
00:15:55,687 --> 00:15:58,693
(grunting)

394
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:01,666
(whimsical music)

395
00:16:03,002 --> 00:16:04,939
Whee!
I'm a pachinko!

396
00:16:05,006 --> 00:16:07,310
(laughs)

397
00:16:08,780 --> 00:16:10,316
Hello!

398
00:16:10,383 --> 00:16:11,953
Bonjour!

399
00:16:12,020 --> 00:16:13,455
Hah hah, oui, oui, bitch!

400
00:16:13,523 --> 00:16:14,792
(whimpering)

401
00:16:14,859 --> 00:16:17,130
Maybe a couple
of thousand years

402
00:16:17,197 --> 00:16:20,002
‐in the flames will fix you!
‐(Swan Boy laughing)

403
00:16:20,069 --> 00:16:22,307
(shrill scream)

404
00:16:22,373 --> 00:16:25,681
(relaxing tropical music)

405
00:16:25,747 --> 00:16:26,816
Oh, look, this is me.

406
00:16:26,883 --> 00:16:28,485
Gotta go.
Take care.

407
00:16:28,553 --> 00:16:29,822
Pretty awful, right?

408
00:16:29,889 --> 00:16:31,960
Eh, he mostly talked
about his grandkids, I think.

409
00:16:32,026 --> 00:16:33,128
I don't really speak
Mongolian.

410
00:16:33,195 --> 00:16:35,099
Tell you what I did
pick up on though,

411
00:16:35,166 --> 00:16:38,038
that guy loved to nut.

412
00:16:38,105 --> 00:16:40,811
Fine!
You win.

413
00:16:40,878 --> 00:16:42,748
I give up.

414
00:16:42,815 --> 00:16:45,787
You are too shallow and too
weird for the torments of Hell.

415
00:16:45,854 --> 00:16:48,960
(laughing and sobbing)

416
00:16:49,629 --> 00:16:52,735
‐(organ playing)
‐Uh...what is a funeral?

417
00:16:52,801 --> 00:16:54,204
The Unitarians believe‐‐

418
00:16:54,271 --> 00:16:57,343
‐Bench sitter!
‐I know, I know.

419
00:16:57,410 --> 00:17:01,719
The Unitarians believe
it's a celebration of the life.

420
00:17:01,786 --> 00:17:03,690
But I believe, in this case,

421
00:17:03,757 --> 00:17:06,763
it's more a celebration
of the death.

422
00:17:06,829 --> 00:17:07,831
(dramatic music)

423
00:17:07,898 --> 00:17:10,637
Ta‐da!
(panting)

424
00:17:10,704 --> 00:17:12,641
‐(crowd booing)
‐Yeah, yeah, yeah!

425
00:17:12,708 --> 00:17:14,344
Same to you!
Go home.

426
00:17:14,411 --> 00:17:16,215
Scram, you drips.
Show's over.

427
00:17:16,281 --> 00:17:18,018
Swan Boy, we thought
you were dead.

428
00:17:18,085 --> 00:17:20,122
‐I was.
‐What do you mean, you were?

429
00:17:20,189 --> 00:17:21,826
The devil found me annoying.

430
00:17:21,893 --> 00:17:25,199
‐Maybe there's a lesson there.
‐Don't I know it.

431
00:17:25,266 --> 00:17:27,270
I can do whatever I want
with no consequences.

432
00:17:27,337 --> 00:17:28,940
Now let's go kill a bank.

433
00:17:29,007 --> 00:17:34,150
SINGER: ♪♪ Call be bad, bigger,
glide across the room ♪♪

434
00:17:34,217 --> 00:17:36,355
(clucking)

435
00:17:36,421 --> 00:17:37,490
(crowing)

436
00:17:37,558 --> 00:17:39,595
(growling)

437
00:17:44,705 --> 00:17:46,375
(chirping)

438
00:17:48,613 --> 00:17:51,184
(soft music)

439
00:17:54,625 --> 00:17:58,365
(soft music)

440
00:17:58,432 --> 00:18:01,305
(insects chirping, buzzing)

441
00:18:03,108 --> 00:18:05,714
Hm.

442
00:18:05,781 --> 00:18:08,954
Hm?
Hm.

443
00:18:09,020 --> 00:18:11,593
(growling)

444
00:18:16,669 --> 00:18:19,575
(upbeat music)

445
00:18:19,642 --> 00:18:23,750
♪♪ ♪♪

446
00:18:23,817 --> 00:18:26,723
SINGER:
♪♪ Y'all can eat my ass ♪♪

447
00:18:26,789 --> 00:18:29,094
(ominous music)

448
00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:34,972
♪♪ ♪♪

449
00:18:35,039 --> 00:18:36,609
ERNESTO:
Can you guys see anything?

450
00:18:36,676 --> 00:18:38,947
I'm just staring
at a wall here.

451
00:18:39,014 --> 00:18:41,284
Let the ritual commence!

452
00:18:41,351 --> 00:18:44,157
Yes, barbarian queen!

453
00:18:44,224 --> 00:18:47,931
Let's start this ritual!
(laughs)

454
00:18:47,998 --> 00:18:49,067
ERNESTO:
Oh, no.

455
00:18:49,134 --> 00:18:51,739
Let the greatest queen
rise again

456
00:18:51,806 --> 00:18:54,210
to unite the world
under her rule...

457
00:18:54,277 --> 00:18:55,614
‐KEVIN: Yes!
‐And to oversee

458
00:18:55,681 --> 00:18:59,522
dozens of projects
that will restore her glory...

459
00:18:59,588 --> 00:19:01,425
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Oversee what?

460
00:19:01,492 --> 00:19:03,596
GIL: And to be available
at all of the hours

461
00:19:03,663 --> 00:19:05,734
for various questions
that any of us may have.

462
00:19:05,801 --> 00:19:07,136
All hours?

463
00:19:07,203 --> 00:19:10,343
GIL: And let the bird and also
the bear rise again as well,

464
00:19:10,409 --> 00:19:12,113
so that their images
may be printed

465
00:19:12,180 --> 00:19:13,883
on tens of hundreds
of T‐shirts.

466
00:19:13,950 --> 00:19:16,923
Wait, hold up, T‐shirts?
That's not very epic.

467
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,225
Gil, uh, Gil, wait a minute.

468
00:19:18,292 --> 00:19:19,662
But what?
I'm in the middle of something.

469
00:19:19,729 --> 00:19:21,733
No, I get that, but this
is actually sounding like

470
00:19:21,799 --> 00:19:23,603
a not great arrangement.

471
00:19:23,670 --> 00:19:25,540
I'm really just looking for
more flexible work hours.

472
00:19:25,607 --> 00:19:28,412
And I'm trying to get out
of the T‐shirt game.

473
00:19:28,479 --> 00:19:31,586
Honestly, I can make you fuse
with the ruling spirits

474
00:19:31,652 --> 00:19:34,090
of this dead empire,
but I'd rather find somebody

475
00:19:34,157 --> 00:19:35,660
who, like, wants it, you know?

476
00:19:35,727 --> 00:19:38,065
Somebody who's gonna be
with the team for a while,

477
00:19:38,132 --> 00:19:40,236
because these guys
deserve that.

478
00:19:40,302 --> 00:19:41,639
‐For sure, man.
‐Whoo‐hoo!

479
00:19:41,706 --> 00:19:43,142
Ah, Gil, you're my guy!
We love you, Gil.

480
00:19:43,208 --> 00:19:45,079
I love you as well,
hooded figures!

481
00:19:45,146 --> 00:19:46,582
They do seem like
a good group.

482
00:19:46,649 --> 00:19:49,421
Oh, hells yeah, I would
do anything for those guys.

483
00:19:49,487 --> 00:19:51,693
All right, everyone, let's get
the hells out of here.

484
00:19:51,759 --> 00:19:53,730
Who wants
a circular carbohydrate?

485
00:19:53,797 --> 00:19:55,466
‐Code name for pizza!
‐Whoo‐hoo!

486
00:19:55,534 --> 00:19:57,270
‐Can we get pineapple?
‐Yes, yah, yah.

487
00:19:57,336 --> 00:19:59,474
HENCHMAN:
No more YAS, bitches.

488
00:20:03,482 --> 00:20:07,190
Hello?
Uh, guys?

489
00:20:07,256 --> 00:20:09,862
You're free to go,
home slices.

490
00:20:09,929 --> 00:20:12,333
Hold up, are we making
the right decision here?

491
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,104
If we walk out this door,

492
00:20:14,170 --> 00:20:15,507
we are right back
where we started.

493
00:20:15,574 --> 00:20:17,310
Hey, may I
tell you something

494
00:20:17,376 --> 00:20:18,646
that's going to sound, like,
uber cheesy?

495
00:20:18,713 --> 00:20:20,416
‐Sure.
‐You can always talk to me

496
00:20:20,483 --> 00:20:22,053
‐about cheese.
‐Me as well.

497
00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:25,393
Find what makes you happy,
and do it forever.

498
00:20:25,459 --> 00:20:26,696
I mean, look at me.

499
00:20:26,763 --> 00:20:28,967
I love trying to revive
this ancient empire

500
00:20:29,033 --> 00:20:31,338
and revert the world
to a premodern state,

501
00:20:31,405 --> 00:20:32,674
and do you know what?

502
00:20:32,741 --> 00:20:35,814
It never feels like work,
not one day of it.

503
00:20:35,881 --> 00:20:39,522
I wake up every day excited
to try to find suitable hosts

504
00:20:39,588 --> 00:20:42,561
for the spirits and
to commence the ritual, yes.

505
00:20:42,628 --> 00:20:44,665
‐Oh, thanks, Gil.
‐TANYA: Thanks, Gil.

506
00:20:44,732 --> 00:20:47,303
Oh, and hey, please
to be telling your friends

507
00:20:47,370 --> 00:20:48,773
about the
Ancient History Museum.

508
00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:52,313
In terms of making our rent,
utilities bills, etc.,

509
00:20:52,380 --> 00:20:54,852
we're doing very poorly,
so spread the word, yes?

510
00:20:54,919 --> 00:20:55,987
We will, Gil.

511
00:20:56,054 --> 00:20:58,626
We actually do offer
annual museum memberships

512
00:20:58,693 --> 00:21:00,196
at a discount
if you're interested.

513
00:21:00,262 --> 00:21:01,799
You can sign up right now.
I'm ready.

514
00:21:01,866 --> 00:21:04,572
Noooooo!

515
00:21:05,974 --> 00:21:08,045
(growling)

516
00:21:08,112 --> 00:21:09,280
(grunting)

517
00:21:10,750 --> 00:21:12,153
Arrrhhh!

518
00:21:12,220 --> 00:21:13,455
(huffs)

519
00:21:13,523 --> 00:21:16,094
(upbeat music)

520
00:21:16,596 --> 00:21:19,434
SINGER:
♪♪ Call me bad, bigger ♪♪

521
00:21:19,502 --> 00:21:21,806
♪♪ Glide across the room ♪♪

522
00:21:21,873 --> 00:21:24,077
♪♪ I been fresh as honeydew ♪♪

523
00:21:24,144 --> 00:21:26,014
♪♪ Since I came up
out the womb ♪♪

524
00:21:26,081 --> 00:21:28,520
♪♪ Call me bad, bigger ♪♪

525
00:21:28,586 --> 00:21:30,690
♪♪ Glide across the room ♪♪

526
00:21:30,757 --> 00:21:32,861
♪♪ Yeah, I stay so fresh
to death ♪♪

527
00:21:32,928 --> 00:21:34,565
♪♪ Have you dancing
in your tomb ♪♪

528
00:21:34,632 --> 00:21:36,903
♪♪ I was a badass kid ♪♪

529
00:21:36,969 --> 00:21:38,405
♪♪ Say what? ♪♪

530
00:21:38,472 --> 00:21:39,575
♪♪ Could you pass a little
juice to your neighbor? ♪♪

531
00:21:39,642 --> 00:21:41,044
♪♪ Got a brand‐new crib ♪♪

532
00:21:41,111 --> 00:21:42,614
♪♪ Say what? ♪♪

533
00:21:42,681 --> 00:21:44,585
♪♪ Did you rob a big bank,
did you save up? ♪♪

534
00:21:44,652 --> 00:21:46,221
♪♪ I'm a P‐I‐G,
say what? ♪♪

535
00:21:46,288 --> 00:21:48,392
♪♪ Did you roll around the mud
for the flavor? ♪♪

536
00:21:48,458 --> 00:21:50,296
♪♪ Know who I is ♪♪

537
00:21:50,362 --> 00:21:51,799
♪♪ You the mayor
stepping in ♪♪

538
00:21:51,866 --> 00:21:53,770
♪♪ When the groove's
in danger ♪♪

539
00:21:53,837 --> 00:22:00,617
♪♪ ♪♪

540
00:22:03,590 --> 00:22:05,392
♪♪ I was a badass kid ♪♪

541
00:22:05,459 --> 00:22:06,996
♪♪ Say what? ♪♪

542
00:22:07,063 --> 00:22:08,332
♪♪ Could you pass a little
juice to your neighbor? ♪♪

543
00:22:08,398 --> 00:22:09,568
♪♪ Know who I is ♪♪

544
00:22:09,635 --> 00:22:10,737
♪♪ You the mayor ♪♪

545
00:22:10,804 --> 00:22:12,139
♪♪ Stepping in when ♪♪

546
00:22:12,206 --> 00:22:13,776
♪♪ The groove's in danger ♪♪

547
00:22:14,578 --> 00:22:15,714
‐(clear music)
‐CHORUS: ♪♪ Yes ♪♪