(engine rumbling)
(electronic music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(jazz music playing)
MIKE: Boy, Richardsville sure has changed.
Remember when our fanciest restaurant
was Dr. Giuseppe's Meatball Hospital?
Look at us now.
This isn't even Richardsville, Dad.
Sure, it is. It's New Downtown.
It's not even in the same county.
New Downtown is just offices for bankers
in the middle of old tobacco fields.
You're just being disagreeable.
No, I'm not.
I read this is what it's like in Brooklyn.
Have you ever been to Brooklyn?
No.
Well, who needs Brooklyn
when you can get authentic, Brooklyn‐style barbecue
right here in North Carolina?
Hello again, Jen.
Say, do you know my son, John?
Oh, of course.
He solves crimes for teenagers.
I work at the Lunch Hut. He's in there every day.
Oh, yes, of course. Uh, I remember you, yes.
I bet you do. You got the lamb burger.
Did it turn out the way you wanted?
Yes, it did. Thank you, Jen.
Oh, good.
But, Jen, he's running low on that patchouli.
Aioli, Dad. And it's fine, I don't‐‐
No, let's get him another little cup of aioli
for his fries, okay, Jen?
More of our famous aioli coming right up.
I think she's pregnant.
Mm, keen eye, Dad.
So I have some news.
Remember how the latch on my front gate was squeaky?
You've mentioned it a few times.
Well, I decided to fix it.
Pardon my reach. Here's your aioli.
Thanks, Jen.
Say, we were just talking about how you're pregnant.
Oh, my God.
Your folks must be excited.
‐(sighs) I wish. ‐Oh, no.
‐What's the issue? ‐Dad.
Oh, no, it's okay.
Have you ever dated someone your parents didn't like?
Oh, he's never dated anyone. (chuckles)
I have. I've totally dated someone.
When I got pregnant, my folks said
I had to move out when the baby was born
because they didn't like the father.
(sighs) So the clock is ticking.
I work at Mr. Moisley's Lunch Hut, as you know.
Of course I know that.
But it's not enough, so I've been working here, too,
trying to save enough money to move to Ottawa.
Ottawa?
That's exotic.
Mm‐hmm. Canada.
They've got a super‐duper neonatal health care system.
And before you ask, "Where's the father?"
He died in a boating accident in Pamlico Sound.
Yikes, that was a bit of a purse dump.
‐I'm really sorry. ‐Nonsense.
Hang in there, Jen.
You work at a fancy restaurant in New Downtown.
The world is your oyster.
Aww, bless your heart. Enjoy your aioli.
‐Nice gal. ‐Uh‐huh.
She seems sad.
Anyway, I found the exact same latch for my gate
and installed it.
‐(woman screams) ‐What?
‐(patrons gasping) ‐What's going on?
And so my gate is smooth and quiet now.
Excuse me, Dad.
Where you going, bud?
(dramatic music)
♪♪ ♪♪
Where is it? It was just here.
‐What are you looking for? ‐My favorite ring.
I'm sorry, who are you?
I'm John Hunchman, private investigator.
I'm Emma Bauers.
This is my fiancé, Loafer Toeknuckle.
He's an investor in this restaurant.
Loafer Toeknuckle.
As in son of Gary Toeknuckle,
founder of First Toeknuckle Financial in Charlotte?
Dad.
Wowee‐magowee.
Your dad is a legend.
Mike Hunchman, Richardsville Savings and Loan, retired.
Whatever.
Listen, I can't have thieves running wild in my restaurants.
It'll kill my Yelp rating and my SEO.
Right, so you wouldn't want the police here,
just a private investigator.
John Hunchman, private investigator.
The ring's important to me.
It has cleansing energy.
If you find it, I'll pay you $500.
(chuckles) Well, no problem.
Nobody leave.
I'll be right back. I have to leave.
♪♪ ♪♪
SINGER: ♪♪ Uh, sports, sports ♪♪
♪♪ Sports ♪♪
(harsh electronic music)
PARAMEDIC: That Karate Snuppy guy
sure loves sending motherfuckers to the hospital.
Damn.
KARATE SNUPPY: Did you miss me?
I feel like I am coming out of retirement.
My favorite niece graduated from high school
and I am pumped.
The best thing about being a Karate Snuppy is everything.
I am so sick and tired of the Karate Snuppy's arrogance.
I could spit tacks.
You know what? We could beat him.
You just got out of the hospital
for fighting a circulatory system
and now you want to go up against a Karate Snuppy?
(groans)
Nobody in the history of karate
has ever defeated a Karate Snuppy
without having an extreme karate technique.
Do you have an extreme karate technique, yes or no?
BLUE KARATE MAN: If the four of us go after him,
that'll be a total of eight hands
and eight feet
attacking him all at once.
Plus, we could all yell and scream
at the same time too.
I mean, that's gotta be
an extreme karate technique, right?
‐Man, I'll say one thing. ‐(dramatic music)
You do have a go‐get‐'em attitude.
You know what? Fuck a duck.
Let's go for it.
Yes!
Let's become legends of karate, please?
Damn it, man. Yeah, let's go for it, fuck.
Albert, are you in?
(groans) Okay, fine.
Let's fight.
Okay, we attack on the count of two or three.
One, two,
and here we go, three!
(battle cries)
(distorted video game sounds)
KARATE SNUPPY: I'll fight everyone, forever.
My body is normal, but my mind is on fire.
PARAMEDIC: Damn, Snuppy!
You love to send these karate motherfuckers
to the hospital, don't you, huh?
You're the best. Keep this‐‐
keep this ambulance in business right here.
Keep paying my‐‐ keep paying my check.
Haulin' away these motherfuckers, goddamn!
You sick, Karate Snuppy. You sick motherfucker.
(upbeat music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(phone rings)
Butt Cheeks Incorporated, how may I help you?
JOHN: It's John. What are you doing?
I'm sippin' and grippin', bruh.
JOHN: What?
I'm sippin' and grippin'.
Ugh, well, I'm at the President's Physician.
Oh, my God. You pretentious dick.
(shushes) Just how soon can you get here?
I got us a case.
‐Working for a grown‐up. ‐Seriously?
Yes, they'll pay us $500.
‐Okay, give me five minutes. ‐Great.
To finish up with my little thing here.
Ew.
And then another ten to drive over.
‐No. ‐And I'll be there.
Please hurry, David.
No.
EMMA: Here's a photo, if that helps.
JOHN: Oh, wow.
"Day six of my paleo cleanse.
"Date night with Loafer getting my bling on.
#ThugLife, #Blessed, #NewDowntown."
I'm a personal branding consultant,
so my sosh is everything.
Well, I get it. I'm active on Goodreads.
But this is a lot of rings. Which one is missing?
This one.
Sapphire and diamonds.
Wowee‐zowee.
These folks don't need to know, but it's a $20,000 ring.
(gasps) Oh, sorry.
‐MIKE: I found it! ‐Where?
Dagnabbit, false alarm.
‐Crouton. ‐(groans)
Admit it, you stole the ring.
You're poor. That's a motive.
Come on, man. I just got here.
Wait, wait.
Before we jump to any conclusions,
why don't we just look around for a second?
MIKE: Good thinking, bud.
Stop being wishy‐washy.
Everyone who works here,
get down on your knees and crawl around on the floor!
This is not optional. I expect total compliance.
God damn, it sounds fun in here.
Hey, I came as soon as I could.
Guys, this is my associate‐‐
I came just as soon as I could.
Okay, I‐‐I get it.
This is David Purefoy. David, this is Emma Bauers.
Her ring is missing.
That's Loafer Toeknuckle
as in the son of Gary Toeknuckle.
Uh‐huh.
And he's an investor in this restaurant.
And, uh, why is Jen,
who's, like, a thousand months pregnant,
crawling around on the fucking floor?
Uh, she works for me? She's looking for Emma's ring.
Dude, seriously?
It's my favorite ring. It has cleansing energy.
What, like an enema?
Exactly like that.
Has anyone looked up her butt?
You making fun of my girl's ring, bro?
'Cause I can be your best friend or your worst nightmare.
Homie, you are my worst nightmare.
You smell like garlic and mayonnaise.
It's called aioli. We're kind of famous for it.
David, can I talk to you for a minute, please?
♪♪ ♪♪
Why are you acting so weird?
Why are you helping these New Downtown douchebags?
Because they're grown‐ups.
How long have we talked about getting grown‐up clients?
I don't know, man. I don't think it's worth it.
Well, if we find this ring, she'll give us $500.
And she'll refer us to her adult friends in New Downtown.
So basically, you're selling out.
Just because I want to stop working for children,
that's selling out?
Yeah, man.
I mean, what about your dignity?
(chuckles) Dignity.
David, you live with your parents.
I'm not ashamed of wanting to grow up.
Who knows?
Maybe I'll actually leave this piece of shit town.
‐Whoa. ‐Yeah.
And maybe I can start fresh.
‐Maybe with Heather. ‐Yeah, right.
‐Keep dreaming, come on. ‐Oh, well, thanks a lot, David.
Face it, we're both stuck here.
Finding this ring is a way out.
If I find the ring,
I'm flushing it down the fucking toilet.
(shoe squeaks)
♪♪ ♪♪
(humming)
(choral music)
(snoring)
♪♪ ♪♪
(upbeat music)
(low music)
(melodic chimes)
MAN: I never understood why they built it here.
I never understood what it was or who it was for.
It always seemed so random.
And every time I stopped by, it always seemed so empty.
So it never made any sense to me.
This beautiful temple of worship
built in the middle of Wilmette, Illinois.
(engine rumbles)
Is it a Muslim thing?
No, I don't think so. It's Baha'i.
WOMAN: What's that?
I'm not sure.
MAN: This was our first time hanging out
just the two of us.
At that point, she was still just
some sophomore from my music class.
Hi.
MAN: She said she was from the West Coast
and I guess I decided to show her the temple
out of some strange feeling of hometown pride.
(camera shutter clicks)
MAN: I always liked being the one
to introduce people to things
and the subtle power that comes with that.
(shutter clicks)
MAN: Took them, like, 50 years to build it.
Wow.
MAN: Little did I know we'd actually end up back here
six months later
on some desperate attempt to recreate the past,
trying to remind ourselves of a time
when we were still just getting to know each other,
back when it still felt easy and natural,
back before we started wondering,
"Is this really the person I want to be with?"
‐You want to go inside? ‐Yeah, definitely.
(latch squeaks)
MAN: It wasn't that the relationship was bad,
it's just that it wasn't great,
that it felt like work,
and that the more days went by, the more we realized
we didn't really have anything in common
other than music... (piano note plays)
And attending Northwestern.
(wildcat snarls)
MAN: She didn't even like the Bulls.
(shoes squeaking, players shouting)
(buzzer blares)
MAN: And I can't remember what it was
we liked about each other.
(coin pings and plops)
MAN: At some point
between that first trip to the temple and this one,
something had changed.
While the building stayed the same,
whatever it was we had drained away
and there was no real way to recapture it,
if we ever even had it to begin with.
(latch clicks)
(chair squeaks)
MAN: She used to bite her lip before she played,
and it made my heart melt.
Now she does it, and it makes my skin crawl.
I look at her and I think about
all the uncomfortable thoughts
she probably keeps in her head,
all the harsh truths she hides behind that bit‐lip smile,
and I wonder why it is we keep going.
(slow classical music playing)
MAN: They started planning
the construction of the temple sometime in 1903,
but they wouldn't finish it until 50 years later.
And at some point, I imagine they had that same thought,
because they must've known
somewhere in the back of their heads
that this temple and Wilmette
never really made any sense together.
They must've known
when they looked around at all the commuters and teenagers
that this town of upper‐middle‐class homes
and youth soccer leagues
would never make for an ideal holy site...
because the suburbs aren't a place for introspection.
They're a place for casual recreation.
And eventually, they can't help
but swallow up everything around it,
turning even this temple,
the oldest of only seven Baha'i temples
in the entire world, into nothing more
than a pretty building with a nice garden.
♪♪ ♪♪
MAN: Just a casual place for the first date
of two Northwestern music students.
(piano‐cello duet playing)
But still, despite all the nagging thoughts,
they kept going...
for no real reason other than they had already started,
for no real reason other than the fact
that some person had already decided,
"Yeah, here. Why not?
Let's do it."
♪♪ ♪♪
You sure?
Yeah. Let's go.
MAN: The sun sets quickly in March,
and so we get back into my car.
And we don't really say much,
even though I think we both have the same feeling,
that this is probably not something
that's going to last,
especially after I graduate in two months,
but neither of us wants to say anything out loud.
So instead, we just bide our time,
placing bricks upon bricks
and blocking those nagging thoughts
in the back of our heads
until finally, life gives us a good enough opportunity
to say...
"Oh, well. We tried our best."
(cheers and applause)
♪♪ ♪♪
MAN: And all the relics of the relationship
will seem like distant objects from a foreign land,
and no archaeologist or anthropologist
will ever be able to understand
quite how it all came together
and just who these people were
and if they ever even really did love each other.
(soft music)
♪♪ ♪♪
MAN: Let's keep in touch.
For sure.
♪♪ ♪♪
(light piano music)
MAN: Was there a reason?
Was there some great, unforeseen force
that put you in that music class?
That put that temple in Wilmette?
MAN: Or was it all just as simple and pointless
as it appeared to be?
Just two people who one day randomly decided,
"Yeah, here. Why not?"
Let's do it.
MAN: And it never made much sense.
And it never quite fit together.
♪♪ ♪♪
(slurping)
(harsh music)
(telephone rings)
Uh, well, I‐‐I‐‐ I kept the receipts.
It's my weekend car.
(screams)
(rapid footsteps)
‐(clunk) ‐(high‐pitched screams)
(soft dramatic music)
(laughs loudly)
(baby crying)
(laughing loudly)
♪♪ ♪♪
(indistinct chatter on TV)
(sizzling)
‐(clicks) ‐(error chime)
‐(double clicks) ‐(error chimes)
♪♪ ♪♪
(glass shatters)
(indistinct chatter)
(flames whoosh and crackle)
♪♪ ♪♪
(baby babbles)
(squeals)
♪♪ ♪♪
‐(grunts) ‐(thumping)
‐(gasps) ‐(screaming)
(grunting, siren wailing)
♪♪ ♪♪
(siren wailing)
(relaxed music)
♪♪ ♪♪
Okay, good news.
We're going to employ two separate search strategies,
and that will double our chances
of returning your ring to you.
‐Actually, it will not. ‐(groans)
Now she's refusing to help
because she's "pregnant."
‐I am pregnant, and I did help. ‐Not enough!
Jen, pack your bags and go. You're fired.
‐What? ‐Whoa, what?
I think that's a mistake both morally and legally.
Oh, really?
Uh, what do you know about running a successful business?
Well, I've had my own investiga‐‐
And how much do you even make?
‐Do you mean in‐‐in money? ‐Uh, duh.
What else is worth making?
I make pee‐pee and poo‐poo sometimes.
See, this is why
the President's Physician is in New Downtown,
because New Downtown is for winners and innovators.
(bell rings)
Face it, you are betas trying to make it in an alpha world.
Uh, but if I find the ring, you'll still refer me
to some of your grown‐up friends, right?
Okay, that's it.
I'm not helping this aioli‐smelling motherfucker
for one more second.
Oh, and by the way, before I leave,
those light bulbs are goddamn ridiculous
and those French fries are too greasy, even for me.
That's my Yelp review. Zero stars on deez nuts.
Wait a minute, that's it.
(dramatic guitar music)
‐(inaudible) ‐(gasps)
And those French fries are too greasy even for me.
(echoing) It's called aioli.
Miss Bauers, I have one question for you.
Did you eat any of Loafer's French fries tonight?
‐(gasps) ‐LOAFER: Of course she didn't.
I put her on a paleo cleanse.
(suspenseful music)
Sorry, babe. I've been bad.
(scoffs) I knew you had a fat person in you.
A‐ha.
Thank you.
Jen, where's Loafer Toeknuckle's aioli?
(sighs)
It's already been uploaded back into the cloud.
What does that mean?
Loafer has us dump leftovers back in the vat.
(shudders) That is profoundly unhygienic.
He calls it "condiment cloud storage."
He says he's a disruptor.
Jen, close your eyes. I'm going in.
‐(soft dramatic music) ‐JOHN: (gasps)
♪♪ ♪♪
It was simple, really.
Emma was on a paleo cleanse,
which would've withered her fingers to sticks.
Couple that with the greasy fries
and you've got a recipe for a classic ring slide‐off.
Bloop into the aioli ramekin and back into the vat.
Well, I hope you're proud of yourself,
because you sold out for some New Downtown assholes
JOHN: Mm‐hmm?
And you got a pregnant lady fired, and your arm smells.
Huh.
Well, what did they say when you returned the ring?
I didn't.
I thought you said it was in the vat.
I'm sure it was in the vat, but I didn't find it.
Okay, now I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
What?
However, I did suggest Jen search the vat
while I called the health inspector
to get that place shut down.
‐DAVID: Whoa. ‐So who's the alpha now?
Damn, respect.
DAVID: So did Jen find it?
JOHN: I'm really not sure.
‐Was Loafer Cockknuckle pissed? ‐Yes.
Did that bring you immense joy?
Well, that would be unprofessional to say,
but yes... (laughing)
It really made me happy.
That guy sucked hard.
JOHN: David, to justice.
DAVID: John, to sippin' and grippin'.
You know what? I'll go along with that
to the cleansing energy of sippin' and grippin'.
Damn, you're a pervert!
‐Here, smell my arm. ‐No, ugh!
‐Smell my aioli arm, smell it! ‐No, stop!
‐Seriously, stop bullying me. ‐Smell it, David!
‐I don't like this. ‐I'm the alpha male now.
DAVID: This is not natural.
(upbeat music)
♪♪ ♪♪
SINGER: ♪♪ Well, I hope she knows I miss her ♪♪
♪♪ Think about her every day ♪♪
♪♪ I just wanna kiss her ♪♪
♪♪ And show her everything ♪♪
♪♪ I got a Chinese flower vacation ♪♪
♪♪ No expectations ♪♪
♪♪ Don't bring a bag ♪♪
♪♪ Just bring yourself ♪♪
♪♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪
♪♪ Ah‐ah‐ah‐ah ♪♪
‐(clear music) ‐CHORUS: ♪♪ Yes ♪♪