ANNOUNCER: (speaking Japanese)
(speaking Japanese)
(upbeat music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(cool jazz music)
MARK: John Hunchman and David Purefoy.
How you boys been?
Man, oh, man, look at you guys.
Hunchman, you still got
that backpack with pink stripes?
You know, the one from the eighth grade?
‐Uh‐huh. ‐Remember that one?
As I've told you before, no, I do not.
(laughs)
We used to kill him over that backpack, huh, Dave?
‐(chuckles) ‐Right?
Damn, pink stripes, you kidding me?
‐On a backpack? ‐Yeah.
Those pink stripes were pretty bad.
Hey, what's new with you, Pure‐if?
‐What's up? ‐You know, I'm chilling.
I got a cool thing going with a lady.
Oh, prithee do tell, young lad.
Ugh, prithee no thank you.
Casual, hot, don't have to spend money on her.
‐Don't have to spend the night. ‐Real chivalrous, David.
And she's a total freak too.
She had me take one of those big, blue ceramic dogs‐‐
‐Hey, old man. ‐Uh‐‐
No one wants to hear about your sex life
with your droopy balls.
Wait, who are you again?
I'm Lance, and don't you forget the name.
It's Lance.
Uh, Lance is my client. He's the reason y'all are here.
I pay y'all by the hour, right?
So stop wasting my time with this bullshit
about pink backpacks and whatever skank
this old‐ass loser's hooking up with.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, she's not a skank.
Uh, she's with you, right? So she's a skank.
Okay, okay, settle down, Lance. Just relax.
Uh, look, Lance, why don't you explain your situation
to our colleagues.
Pay attention.
Me and my mom live alone. Someone's harassing us.
It happens at night.
(wood crashes)
Furniture crashing.
(floor creaking)
Creaky floor.
Drippy faucet even though I turned that shit off.
(ghostly moan)
Creepy moaning. ‐Uh‐huh.
You know, it sounds like it could be a‐‐
A ghost? Yeah, no duh.
It's a ghost. ‐I was gonna say your mom.
What'd you say about my mom?
DAVID: No, I don't mean it like that.
You think my mom is a ghost?
No, I'm just saying‐‐
She works two jobs just to provide for me.
Keep talking 'bout my mom. See what happens.
Oh, okay, easy, son, easy.
Damn, we got a live one here, boys.
(chuckles)
I'll straight murk you, you Angela Lansbury,
old‐ass looking bitch.
Okay, okay, let's focus please.
Uh, Taggy, what do you want us to do?
Well, serve papers like always.
Well, okay, but to whom are we serving these papers?
To the ghost. Damn, y'all are dense.
What, seriously?
My mom says it's a ghost, and I always protect my mom,
so I'm suing it.
First ever ghost lawsuit‐‐ lawyer hall of fame, me.
♪♪ ♪♪
Okay.
You know Kendra at Skull and Sage?
Yeah, the dumb new age shop where dog food city used to be.
Oh, don't say "new age" around Kendra.
She'll put a hex on your ass.
Anyway, Kendra's got one of them thingamajigs
for texting with ghosts and witches and whatnot.
You're talking about a Woojoo board?
MARK: Yeah, that's it.
(chuckles) This is ridiculous.
‐What'd you say? ‐Um, nothing.
All right, here's the summons.
Lance'll take you boys to his house
once it's dark out. Kendra will meet you there.
Use her Woojoo board to contact the ghost, then serve him
and tell that undead, see‐through son of a gun
I'll be seeing him in court. What could go wrong?
(thunder crashes)
(dramatic music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(upbeat music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(bluesy rock music)
ALL: Good hex!
(spooky music)
♪♪ ♪♪
Do you think it's weird‐‐
That even death won't stop your incessant neediness?
‐ No, I am‐‐ ‐ A little bit, yeah.
I was wondering if you think it's weird
that we used to, like, have sex...
‐(chuckles) ‐A lot.
Okay... (chuckles)
Are you saying you wanna have sex?
‐Ew, Gregor! ‐What?
That would make you a necrophiliac.
What the fuck, Anna? You brought it up.
Is that what you're writing about?
You're writing about me, right?
I'm sketching communist icons like a normal person.
He has my boobs.
‐Those are Marx's boobs. ‐Really?
Those are the boobs of‐‐
'Cause those areolas look pretty familiar.
The boobs of all the comrades‐‐
Look, all I am saying is that you
‐were literally inside of me... ‐Oh, my God.
On and off for, like, what? Eight years?
Like 8 years and 22 days, and then you dumped me,
but who's keeping score?
But now it seems like the thought
of that closeness is creepy.
Well, yep, it is.
‐(sighs) ‐What's wrong?
What's wrong?
What if I can't have sex anymore?
I don't know. It's not my problem.
I know, I know, I know, no ghost vag talk,
but no one else can see or hear me,
and yesterday, I put on some T‐Swift hentai
and felt around down there, and I came dust.
Ugh. ‐I know.
(punchy rock music)
(both moaning)
Your lips are like leaking ice packs.
Mm, you taste like sad.
♪♪ ♪♪
(retches)
Oh, my God.
Remember how much I used to love period sex?
It was my favorite thing about you.
♪♪ ♪♪
(infernal screaming)
Am I going to need some sort of protection?
Okay, so from what I gather, I don't enter you.
You get entered by me.
(ethereal music)
‐ANNA: Oh. ‐GREGOR: Yes.
‐ANNA: (screams) ‐(screams)
(laughter)
(upbeat electronic music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(rooster crows)
♪♪ ♪♪
‐ANNA: (screams) ‐GREGOR: (screams)
(rhythmic squelching)
(breathing heavily)
(both screaming)
My biggest regret is breaking up with you.
If it means we can be together, I'm willing to die!
(both scream)
♪♪ ♪♪
Oof.
‐(sighs) ‐ANNA: Oh, my God.
Ugh, hey.
Oh, hey Uh...
So I was thinking about breakfast‐‐
Oh, yeah, um, I'm actually late for work.
Oh that's‐‐that's fine.
Yeah, I was gonna go open up all the cabinets.
‐Oh, that work. ‐Yeah.
Okay, great, great, great.
‐So... ‐Great.
(upbeat music)
(electronic music)
(whooshing)
(smooth music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(knocks)
MAN: Hello, Christina?
‐Yeah, you ready? ‐Yeah, coming.
(chuckles) Hi.
‐Hi, you look great. ‐Thank you, you too.
(pained grunt)
You okay?
(sighs) Yeah.
‐Yeah, I'm fine. ‐Okay‐‐careful.
‐(grunts) ‐(chuckles)
Oh.
Oh, you got the convertible. (chuckles)
Yeah.
‐(sighs) ‐What's wrong?
It's nothing.
Okay.
‐Just‐‐did you change your hair?
(laughs) No.
But if we get there by 4:00, then I think we could totally
be done in time for, like, a movie
or, like, dinner if you're still hungry.
I'm cheating on you.
What?
(sighs) I'm seeing someone else.
We're engaged.
I didn't mean for this to happen...
and I should have told you sooner.
‐But it just happened, okay? ‐Jeez.
‐And you and I haven't been‐‐ ‐Don't‐‐
‐Ugh! ‐Ow!
Don't!
Ow! Ow!
Stop, you don't have to do this.
Don't.
Don't!
(cries)
‐Your hand‐‐ ‐Stop it!
(sobs)
Ow. (engine rumbles)
(sobs)
‐Christina, wait. ‐What?
Could I get my grandmother's ring back?
No!
Ugh.
(sighs)
Did you tell her?
Yeah.
I'm cheating on you.
‐(sighs) ‐What?
I'm fucking someone else.
(chuckles)
(sighs)
(chuckles)
But‐‐
(chuckles)
I‐‐
‐I'm‐‐ ‐Fucking shit.
(sighs)
Fucking unbelievable.
Did you tell him?
Yeah.
Ow.
(upbeat music)
(smooth electronic music)
So, Lance, what grade are you in?
You know what sucks about this ghost?
I can't physically beat the shit out of it
because it's mist or some shit.
Oh, I would love to just wail on this motherfucker.
Dude, I hear you. It's just‐‐
‐Man, shut up. ‐Okay.
Wish I still had my butterfly knife.
I don't.
‐Take a right here. ‐Okay.
Last house on the left.
(owl hoots)
♪♪ ♪♪
Uh, are you sure this is it, Lance?
(chuckles) Yes, I'm sure.
It's my damn house where I live,
you stupid fucking piece of shit.
There's Kendra. Let's go.
John, I gotta tell you something.
No, David, not now. Let's just get this over with.
It's bad. It's gonna be bad.
David, relax. It's gonna be fine.
Hey, y'all. I'm Kendra.
You ready for your Woojoo session?
Ah, well, if we said no,
"Woojoo" hold it against us, Kendra?
(chuckles)
Please don't joke.
Humor is a sign of spiritual weakness.
(groans quietly)
We wanna have a successful session.
Come on, attic's upstairs.
(spooky music)
Ooh, I wanna go home.
♪♪ ♪♪
(thunder cracks)
So tonight we'll be using this Woojoo board
made from sustainably forested cedar.
Sure.
It's paired with these hematite crystals
and this locally sourced goat's blood.
‐All right, that's disgusting. ‐Whoa.
This is to purify our intention.
‐What is this exactly? ‐Fairy pus.
‐Oh! ‐Ugh, okay.
Don't worry. It's organic.
That's not my concern.
‐Place your fingers like this. ‐JOHN: Ugh.
Remember, don't move it. The spirit does.
‐Empty your intention. ‐Okay.
‐Sure. ‐Done.
No, hang on, I haven't emptied my intention yet, David.
‐Come on, hurry up. ‐Wait, please.
How hard is it not to think about anything?
Just empty your goddamn... ‐Stop.
‐Intention! ‐Stop interrupting.
‐Let's go! ‐I wanna do it right.
Just wait for me. (chuckles)
And there we go. Now it's empty.
Such a dick.
(sighs) Do you feel it?
‐Feel what? ‐Feel what?
The sacred portal opening. Begin.
‐May I please speak to the‐‐ ‐Please don't yell.
‐Oh. ‐Please don't yell.
‐Excuse me. ‐Thank you.
Um, may I please speak to the entity
residing at the home of Lance DeLuca?
Hello? Oh, whoa.
I am
the g‐gho‐‐
ghost.
I am the ghost?
‐Good Lord, it worked. ‐Told you.
Okay, uh, ghost, you've been served.
You should hire a lawyer.
Boom!
How you like that, ghost?
(scream)
(wood creaking)
♪♪ ♪♪
(upbeat music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(plucky orchestral music)
♪♪ ♪♪
Okay, Walt, it's very simple.
You give us what we want, and we give you what you want.
(suspenseful music)
♪♪ ♪♪
OUTLAW: Ain't no cop ever gonna catch me.
SHERIFF: You don't have to do this.
You can trust me. I'm your friend.
I don't trust no Sheriff.
(Western musical flare)
Little men like me
don't stand a chance against the law.
(plucky orchestral music)
♪♪ ♪♪
Yeah, yeah.
DISPATCHER: 9‐1‐Charlie. Missing person reported.
Small child, Polish, last seen wearing a blue hoodie.
10‐4.
You kick in my door.
Oh, that's funny.
I don't remember kicking in the door.
Do you remember kicking in the door?
I didn't kick in no door.
Looks like something maybe you'd do, Jackie Chan.
(chuckles)
Hey, what are we doing here?
What is this your first day?
‐ROGER: Ah‐‐ ‐MEG: Come on.
Hey, good cake, Timmy. You the man, man.
(chimes shimmer)
(plucky orchestral music)
Whoa, easy there, cowboy.
This must be the missing Polish kid.
♪♪ ♪♪
Let's book this lard ass.
(Western musical flare)
OUTLAW: I don't trust no sheriff.
♪♪ ♪♪
We just got a call about you, son.
You're gonna have to come with us.
(suspenseful music)
Hey, do you speak English, fat boy?
♪♪ ♪♪
Do you speak English, fat boy?
You can trust us. We're your friends.
SHERIFF: You can trust me. I'm your friend.
♪♪ ♪♪
You have another lollipop you can give him?
Ah, good call, yeah.
♪♪ ♪♪
I got something very special
for you, little man.
♪♪ ♪♪
I have something very special for you, little boy.
(gunshot)
(outlaw screams)
Oh‐‐ah! Oh!
(screams)
Officer down!
♪♪ ♪♪
All right, you son of a bitch. Don't be scared.
♪♪ ♪♪
(grunts) I should've never trusted you.
You son of a bitch.
You got that right, you son of a bitch.
(gunshot)
♪♪ ♪♪
Here, tubby, tubby.
Come out, come out, wherever you are.
♪♪ ♪♪
I'm coming to get you, big boy.
♪♪ ♪♪
(screams)
♪♪ ♪♪
What the hell is going on out here?
Holy fucking crow!
♪♪ ♪♪
Wait, don't run. I'm just trying to help.
Oh, I heard that before. Run, little man, run.
♪♪ ♪♪
(breathing loudly)
♪♪ ♪♪
(muffled gurgling)
♪♪ ♪♪
‐(grunts) ‐(screaming)
Them‐‐polícia.
(gurgles)
Where are you, fatty?
♪♪ ♪♪
(laughs)
♪♪ ♪♪
(crowd screaming)
(growls)
♪♪ ♪♪
(grunts) Fuck!
♪♪ ♪♪
(exhales)
Buckle your boots, cowboy. You're going home.
(soft dramatic music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(spirited orchestral music)
You did a very good job today, Walt.
A very good job.
♪♪ ♪♪
(upbeat music)
(upbeat electronic music)
TRACEY: Babe, I'm home!
(gasps) That's my mom!
We're up here, Mommy.
‐Dude, it was me. ‐What?
I am the ghost.
I recognized the house when we pulled up.
Lance's mom is the lady I've been hooking up with.
Oh, you‐‐you were moving the Wooj‐‐‐
‐DAVID: Yes. ‐JOHN: Oh, oh, okay, wow.
The furniture crashing‐‐
DAVID: It's probably when we had coitus
in this old, wooden chair. He must have heard it.
JOHN: Creaky floor?
DAVID: It's probably me walking
to the bathroom after coitus.
JOHN: Drippy faucet even though‐‐
DAVID: I probably didn't turn off the water after coitus.
Okay, and the creepy moaning? That was you during coitus?
Uh, no, actually, it's me moaning
when Tracey said no cuddling and kicked me out
and said I had to go home.
But I thought you were just using her for sex and‐‐
It's more complicated than that.
‐I don't‐‐ ‐Oh, okay.
Look, the point is, Lance already hates me.
If he finds out I've been screwing his mommy‐‐
‐Ugh. ‐I gotta go.
Lance, honey, what are you doing up here?
Shh, shh, everything's gonna be okay.
We had a séance. No more ghosts.
‐Jesus, what is that? ‐What?
(gasps) It's him!
(thunder cracks)
Stand back, people. (cracks knuckles)
I'm 'bout to beat up a ghost.
Lance, no! ‐TRACEY: Oh, Lance, baby, no.
Not again. DAVID: Ow!
TRACEY: Lance, no, no, no. ‐(grunts)
‐DAVID: (moaning) ‐Wait, who is this?
ALL: (gasp) David Purefoy!
Fuck!
‐Hi, Tracey. ‐What is going on?
Well, you told me all those noises I was hearing
at night were from a ghost.
I wanted to protect you, so I sued it.
‐Sued who now? ‐The ghost.
‐Duh, Mommy. ‐Oh...wow.
Wait a second. How do you know this pervert?
Well, now, it's complicated.
(sighs) Do you guys have some ice?
‐Hold up. ‐Ow.
Somebody tell me what the fuck is going on.
Okay, honey, you remember when Mommy
was crying by herself in the bathroom
about two weeks ago?
Huh, and to think there was a brief, stupid moment
where I actually believed in ghosts.
Oh, you're too cool to believe in the occult.
No, I believe in human stupidity.
Exhibit A. Case closed.
Well, then you won't mind if I put
a berserker avenging spell on your anus.
(chuckles) Oh, no.
Knock yourself out.
Herper. Done.
‐That's the whole spell? ‐Yeah.
You're in for a long night.
You don't wanna give me a little bit more,
I mean, do a little show?
LANCE: Wait a second.
You have been fucking my mommy?
(cool jazz music)
Getting punched by a teenager is a total bummer.
Oh, well, come on, David. It's not that bad.
Tracey literally told Lance I was a ghost
rather than acknowledging me as a person
because she was, like, ashamed of me.
Yeah, it must be very hard for you.
And I really liked her too. (growls)
It's like all I have to look forward to now
is, like, getting older and older
and meeting divorced ladies and getting a crush on 'em
and then getting wailed on by their children?
Like, I'm just gonna keep doing this
until I'm 200 years old, and then I'm an actual ghost,
and then no one's gonna wanna fuck me
'cause it's, like, fucking a ghost
is like fucking the stuff that comes out of a humidifier?
Like, what? This is my life?
Uh‐huh, even though she treated you exactly
the same way you bragged about treating her.
(chuckles) This must be very hard for you.
Dude, what is your problem?
I can't stand it! My ass itches so bad.
(laughs)
‐I'm literally butthurt. ‐Yes.
I know why‐‐because a witch said she was gonna put
a berserker revenging spell on your anus.
I probably ate something spicy is all.
You know what?
I'm glad that I'm not the only one hurting
on this houseboat deck. Thank you.
Oh, I'm glad I could cheer you up with my ass itching.
Bro, you're a true friend.
And thank your anus too. Your butt is a true friend.
Uh, David, will you please go get the cream from my bathroom?
No.
(upbeat music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(upbeat percussive music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(upbeat music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(upbeat music)
ALL: Yes!