1
00:00:05,939 --> 00:00:07,469
(insects chirping)
2
00:00:07,541 --> 00:00:08,711
GILBERT: Well...
3
00:00:08,775 --> 00:00:10,605
I'm not sure I took
the right trail
4
00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:12,577
since that squirrel stole
my compass.
5
00:00:12,646 --> 00:00:13,976
Okay.
6
00:00:14,047 --> 00:00:17,717
I must be a bit lost,
but don't panic, Gilbert.
7
00:00:17,784 --> 00:00:19,354
You still have
your safety whistle‐‐
8
00:00:19,419 --> 00:00:21,119
‐(animal growls loudly)
‐(screams)
9
00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:24,157
(panting)
Sweet Jesus, what was that?
10
00:00:24,224 --> 00:00:27,034
Okay, don't panic, Gilbert.
11
00:00:27,093 --> 00:00:29,733
For now, just try to find
12
00:00:29,796 --> 00:00:32,196
and follow the North Star.
13
00:00:32,265 --> 00:00:34,765
(lightning crackles,
thunder booms)
14
00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:37,735
(whistle blows, echoes)
15
00:00:40,073 --> 00:00:43,013
(echoing) Help!
16
00:00:43,343 --> 00:00:46,253
(smooth electronic music)
17
00:00:46,312 --> 00:00:53,422
♪♪ ♪♪
18
00:00:56,189 --> 00:00:57,359
JOHN: David,
what are you doing?
19
00:00:57,423 --> 00:00:58,763
DAVID: Shut up.
Dude, just shut up.
20
00:00:58,825 --> 00:01:00,125
Just wait.
21
00:01:00,193 --> 00:01:01,763
Ahh...
22
00:01:01,828 --> 00:01:03,628
ahh‐ahh...
23
00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:04,997
Oh, no,
you're doing that thing.
24
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,295
It's not working.
You know, back in the day,
25
00:01:06,366 --> 00:01:08,266
if you held a slice
of cafeteria pizza like this,
26
00:01:08,334 --> 00:01:10,004
everything would slide off into
your mouth like a mudslide.
27
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,240
It was delicious.
28
00:01:11,304 --> 00:01:12,374
The gastronomy club
petitioned them
29
00:01:12,438 --> 00:01:13,738
to use better tomato paste.
30
00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:15,007
Oh, there you go.
31
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:16,975
Sustained activism is the key
to social progress.
32
00:01:17,043 --> 00:01:18,183
Well,
you ruined pizza chugging.
33
00:01:18,244 --> 00:01:19,384
Congratulations.
34
00:01:19,445 --> 00:01:20,575
Okay, look,
we're not technically
35
00:01:20,647 --> 00:01:21,817
supposed to be
on school property at all,
36
00:01:21,882 --> 00:01:22,882
so let's get down to it.
37
00:01:22,949 --> 00:01:23,979
How can we help you?
38
00:01:24,050 --> 00:01:25,390
Have y'all ever heard
of Party Pines?
39
00:01:25,451 --> 00:01:27,051
Kids party there
on the weekend.
40
00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:28,620
Oh, yes.
41
00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:31,259
Yes, we're familiar
with Party Pines.
42
00:01:31,324 --> 00:01:32,634
‐Really?
‐What are your names again?
43
00:01:32,693 --> 00:01:34,263
‐He's Colin.
‐She's Phoebe.
44
00:01:34,327 --> 00:01:35,497
All right,
Phoebe and Colin,
45
00:01:35,562 --> 00:01:36,662
I'ma put y'all up
on some history.
46
00:01:36,730 --> 00:01:40,270
I tapped the first‐ever keg
at Party Pines.
47
00:01:40,333 --> 00:01:42,243
Me and my bros
founded that place.
48
00:01:42,302 --> 00:01:43,702
It's like going up
to Christopher Columbus
49
00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:45,470
and saying, "Oh, have you heard
about this place?
50
00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:47,039
"It's really great.
It's called America.
51
00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:48,437
I think you would like it."
He's like,
52
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:50,809
"Yeah, I know all about it.
I'm the one who invented it."
53
00:01:50,877 --> 00:01:52,047
‐Why that acc‐‐
‐'Cause he's Italian.
54
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:53,252
‐Oh, God.
‐Yeah.
55
00:01:53,313 --> 00:01:54,723
So you're Christopher Columbus?
56
00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:56,551
Yeah, if he did
upside‐down beer bongs
57
00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:58,887
on a sick‐ass tire swing
he built himself.
58
00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:02,322
So you're okay having the blood
of genocide on your hands?
59
00:02:02,388 --> 00:02:03,818
Uh, it rules, obviously.
60
00:02:03,890 --> 00:02:05,030
I got a holiday out of it.
61
00:02:05,091 --> 00:02:06,161
‐Okay, that's‐‐
‐I win.
62
00:02:06,226 --> 00:02:07,486
‐All right, Howard Zinn,
let's, uh,
63
00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:08,961
let's move on to their case,
please.
64
00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:10,529
Anyway,
65
00:02:10,597 --> 00:02:12,567
something strange
is happening at Party Pines.
66
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:13,433
(twig snaps)
67
00:02:13,499 --> 00:02:14,739
For the last few weeks,
68
00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:17,401
there's been a thing
in the woods.
69
00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:19,470
COLIN: Just standing there
watching us.
70
00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:22,040
Not to creep‐shame,
but it's kind of creepy.
71
00:02:22,108 --> 00:02:24,238
(gasps) Dude, I wonder if it's
the lurker of Party Pines.
72
00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:25,610
Do you remember him?
73
00:02:25,679 --> 00:02:26,879
I wouldn't remember
the lurker of Party Pines,
74
00:02:26,947 --> 00:02:30,047
because I was never invited
to Party Pines.
75
00:02:30,116 --> 00:02:31,746
Who's the lurker
of Party Pines?
76
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,618
Back when we were
in high school,
77
00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:35,987
he was this weirdo
who hid in the woods
78
00:02:36,056 --> 00:02:37,116
and just watched us.
79
00:02:37,190 --> 00:02:40,230
(twig snaps)
80
00:02:40,293 --> 00:02:41,603
And we all thought
maybe he was, like,
81
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:44,232
an escaped lunatic from
the Dicktown Lunatic Asylum,
82
00:02:44,297 --> 00:02:45,567
'cause that's where they kept
all the lunatics.
83
00:02:45,632 --> 00:02:47,902
But that was, like,
50 years ago.
84
00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:49,138
You think it's the same guy?
85
00:02:49,202 --> 00:02:51,442
No, he would be dead by now,
of course,
86
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:54,035
but perhaps it's his ghost.
87
00:02:54,107 --> 00:02:56,077
Whatever it is,
we want it to leave us alone.
88
00:02:56,142 --> 00:02:57,682
Kids shouldn't have to look
over their shoulders
89
00:02:57,744 --> 00:02:59,114
when they're partying illegally
in the woods.
90
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:00,109
(door opens)
91
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,180
MAN: Hey.
92
00:03:01,247 --> 00:03:02,677
‐Oh, dude.
‐MAN: Hey, you.
93
00:03:02,749 --> 00:03:04,149
‐We gotta go, we gotta go.
‐We'll see you tomorrow night.
94
00:03:04,217 --> 00:03:06,017
Hey, My Two Dads,
get out of here.
95
00:03:06,086 --> 00:03:07,016
Thanks for the pizza.
96
00:03:07,087 --> 00:03:10,687
(dramatic music)
97
00:03:10,757 --> 00:03:12,457
Man, I didn't know
you believed in ghosts.
98
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:13,586
I don't believe in ghosts.
99
00:03:13,660 --> 00:03:15,530
You just said
it could be a ghost.
100
00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:17,426
David, you have friends,
and you have good hair,
101
00:03:17,497 --> 00:03:18,967
but I have something
even better.
102
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:19,972
Yeah, I know, a houseboat.
103
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,373
An analytical mind.
104
00:03:21,434 --> 00:03:22,804
‐Oh.
‐I don't believe in ghosts.
105
00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:24,299
I'm a skeptic.
106
00:03:24,370 --> 00:03:26,810
However, I do need money
to pay for the houseboat,
107
00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:27,773
and therefore,
108
00:03:27,841 --> 00:03:30,541
why not pose
as ghost hunters...
109
00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:32,211
‐Oh, snap.
‐In order to get more work?
110
00:03:32,278 --> 00:03:34,518
Damn,
I love your analytical mind,
111
00:03:34,581 --> 00:03:36,551
your hot,
throbbing analytical mind.
112
00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:38,787
It explodes, and I get thoughts
all over my face,
113
00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:39,952
and I go crazy.
114
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:41,390
Oh, no thank you.
115
00:03:41,454 --> 00:03:44,964
(energetic percussive music)
116
00:03:45,025 --> 00:03:47,925
(spacey music)
117
00:03:47,994 --> 00:03:54,844
♪♪ ♪♪
118
00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:02,842
(footsteps thumping)
119
00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:05,047
(gasps)
120
00:04:05,111 --> 00:04:11,951
♪♪ ♪♪
121
00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:36,605
(gunshots)
122
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:43,179
♪♪ ♪♪
123
00:04:43,249 --> 00:04:45,319
(panting)
124
00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:48,959
(smooth electronic music)
125
00:04:52,593 --> 00:04:54,233
(smooth electronic music)
126
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:57,834
(slurping)
127
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:04,004
(sighs, farts)
Whoops.
128
00:05:04,070 --> 00:05:05,640
Did you fart?
129
00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:07,066
Uh, no.
130
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,040
It's the cushion, I think.
131
00:05:09,109 --> 00:05:10,409
(clears throat)
132
00:05:10,476 --> 00:05:12,746
So have you been getting
any more business lately?
133
00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:16,283
Have you been getting any calls
from new prospective clients?
134
00:05:16,349 --> 00:05:18,519
I‐I have taken on
some new clients
135
00:05:18,585 --> 00:05:19,785
recently, yes, why?
136
00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:23,863
Well, I left you a very
positive review online.
137
00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:25,064
Oh.
138
00:05:25,125 --> 00:05:26,485
So I thought maybe that
stirred up some business.
139
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:28,490
Thank you, that's very nice.
140
00:05:28,562 --> 00:05:32,232
Are you familiar
with Dr. Ned Zappastein?
141
00:05:32,298 --> 00:05:35,568
I‐I do know him, yes, why?
142
00:05:35,636 --> 00:05:40,066
Well, you just
leapfrogged him on Yelp.
143
00:05:40,140 --> 00:05:43,240
You are number 7
in the area now.
144
00:05:43,309 --> 00:05:44,779
Oh!
How exciting.
145
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,705
(both laugh)
146
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:51,350
I, uh, left him
a bit of a review too, yeah.
147
00:05:51,417 --> 00:05:52,817
Check this out.
148
00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:55,964
Okay.
149
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:57,822
Let's see what you did here.
150
00:06:01,327 --> 00:06:02,457
Okay.
151
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:04,059
You need to delete that
right now.
152
00:06:04,130 --> 00:06:05,370
What?
Why?
153
00:06:05,431 --> 00:06:07,201
Because you call him
an alcoholic
154
00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:08,427
and you claim
he'd excused himself
155
00:06:08,502 --> 00:06:09,872
to go drink in the bathroom.
156
00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:11,566
‐Yeah, so?
‐Well, that's a lie.
157
00:06:11,638 --> 00:06:13,368
And you're gonna destroy
his reputation.
158
00:06:13,439 --> 00:06:14,509
What the‐‐
who gives a shit?
159
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:15,535
What about your reputation?
160
00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:16,909
You're a great doctor,
161
00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:18,377
and that schmuck's
got a better score?
162
00:06:18,444 --> 00:06:19,954
Why are you so upset?
163
00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:22,153
I appreciate
your positive review.
164
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:24,545
Yeah, well, that's not
even the best part.
165
00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:26,488
The best part is that I nailed
the Zappastein guy.
166
00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:28,153
And why is that the best part?
167
00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:30,221
Because it's funny.
168
00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:31,730
Oh, boo‐hoo,
he gets a little hurt.
169
00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:34,862
I get hurt every day,
nobody cares.
170
00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:35,998
What hurts you?
171
00:06:37,263 --> 00:06:38,433
(sighs)
172
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,671
‐(grunts)
‐What hurts you?
173
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,967
Oh, my God, nothing hurts me.
I am an impenetrable fort.
174
00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:47,539
You just said
that you get hurt.
175
00:06:47,608 --> 00:06:49,438
It's a figure of speech.
176
00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:50,810
You think
that you could hurt me?
177
00:06:50,877 --> 00:06:52,447
‐Come on, try.
‐I don't want to hurt you.
178
00:06:52,513 --> 00:06:53,683
Come on.
Let's go. Try.
179
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:55,077
‐I don't want to.
‐No, I'm serious, come on.
180
00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:58,918
Come on.
Come on, try.
181
00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:01,885
‐You know what I see?
‐What?
182
00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:06,625
I see someone very brave
sitting across from me.
183
00:07:06,693 --> 00:07:08,563
I see someone taking
those very difficult
184
00:07:08,629 --> 00:07:10,099
first steps,
185
00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:13,333
to show their pain, to heal,
186
00:07:13,399 --> 00:07:16,299
and to let people in.
187
00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:18,099
And I see someone
who's grateful
188
00:07:18,171 --> 00:07:20,311
for their progress
but is still grappling
189
00:07:20,373 --> 00:07:24,683
with some old negative habits.
190
00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:27,475
I see a great man
peeking through‐‐
191
00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:32,220
Are you‐‐
is that‐‐
192
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:34,685
are you drinking alcohol?
193
00:07:34,755 --> 00:07:37,985
Yeah, sorry, I zoned out.
(clears throat)
194
00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:40,158
Excuse me,
I gotta go use the bathroom.
195
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,333
I'm just gonna be honest
with you,
196
00:07:44,397 --> 00:07:47,227
I, uh...about to get hammered.
197
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:49,200
Probably not coming back.
198
00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:51,569
(mellow jazz music)
199
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,168
♪♪ Uh‐huh ♪♪
200
00:07:53,239 --> 00:07:54,469
♪♪ ♪♪
201
00:07:54,541 --> 00:07:55,641
(rock music)
202
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:57,279
Tucker, we need supplies.
203
00:07:57,343 --> 00:07:58,613
TUCKER (over phone): They sell
adult diapers at CVS.
204
00:07:58,679 --> 00:07:59,949
Very funny.
We're coming over.
205
00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:02,223
TUCKER (over phone): No,
you already owe me $500.
206
00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:03,822
Plus, I'm not home.
207
00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:05,294
DAVID: He is totally lying.
208
00:08:05,351 --> 00:08:07,621
Plus, you still haven't
returned my binoculars.
209
00:08:07,688 --> 00:08:09,418
Okay, that part's true.
210
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,489
Ghost hunting gear?
211
00:08:11,558 --> 00:08:13,158
Do you even believe
in paranormal stuff?
212
00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:15,526
What‐‐what does it matter
what I "believe."
213
00:08:15,596 --> 00:08:16,896
Does anything matter?
214
00:08:16,963 --> 00:08:20,533
Mm, your rejection
of bourgeois labels is hot.
215
00:08:20,601 --> 00:08:21,871
I thought it was
existential nihilism.
216
00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:23,795
I'm still aroused.
Here, take these goggles.
217
00:08:23,870 --> 00:08:25,740
All right, well,
what do these do?
218
00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:26,966
Help you see at night, genius.
219
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,440
That's why they're called
night vision goggles.
220
00:08:28,509 --> 00:08:30,179
Okay, okay, I didn't know
what kind of goggles they were.
221
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:31,283
‐I'm sorry.
‐(laughs)
222
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:32,584
I thought maybe they were
micro‐penis goggles
223
00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:33,976
for looking
at your micro‐penis.
224
00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:35,247
‐Guys, guys, okay.
‐'Cause it's so tiny,
225
00:08:35,315 --> 00:08:36,615
you need goggles to see it.
226
00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:38,723
Okay, what else do you have,
Tucker?
227
00:08:38,785 --> 00:08:40,645
Uh, you can say
this old graphing calculator
228
00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:42,061
is an EMF meter.
229
00:08:42,122 --> 00:08:42,992
What's EMF?
230
00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:44,456
BOTH:
Electromagnetic frequency.
231
00:08:44,525 --> 00:08:45,685
‐DAVID: What?
‐Duh.
232
00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:48,029
‐Ugh, these nerds.
‐Okay, keep it coming, Tucker.
233
00:08:48,094 --> 00:08:49,004
What else?
‐I guess you could tape
234
00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:50,362
this old Xbox to a bike helmet.
235
00:08:50,430 --> 00:08:51,670
Well, that sounds perfect.
236
00:08:51,732 --> 00:08:52,872
That will actually look
kind of cool.
237
00:08:52,933 --> 00:08:54,203
All right, and we'll need
these walkie‐talkies.
238
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:58,037
Okay, you already owe me five,
so that comes to $800.
239
00:08:58,104 --> 00:08:59,244
‐Oh, David.
‐Yeah, right.
240
00:08:59,305 --> 00:09:00,635
How about $200
241
00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:02,277
and we don't tell your parents
about all this?
242
00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:03,312
No way.
243
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:05,406
Tucker, my dad will kill me.
244
00:09:05,478 --> 00:09:07,478
Mine too.
245
00:09:07,548 --> 00:09:09,578
(ominous music)
246
00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:12,050
‐(inhales) Mmm, Party Pines.
‐(groans)
247
00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:13,648
It's good to be back.
248
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:15,060
Yes, Party Pines.
249
00:09:15,121 --> 00:09:17,221
You know, you said we never
invited you here,
250
00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:18,890
but we totally did, man.
251
00:09:18,959 --> 00:09:20,859
Oh, that's right.
You did invite me once
252
00:09:20,927 --> 00:09:24,027
to solve the mystery
of the wrong bong.
253
00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:28,269
No, this is your bong, Taylor.
254
00:09:28,334 --> 00:09:30,374
Dude, if that was my bong,
I'd be high right now,
255
00:09:30,436 --> 00:09:33,806
and if I was high,
I'd be paranoid, but I'm not.
256
00:09:33,874 --> 00:09:35,644
That proves somebody snuck up
in here and replaced it
257
00:09:35,709 --> 00:09:37,739
with an exact replica, man.
258
00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:39,781
Taylor, it literally has
your name on it.
259
00:09:39,846 --> 00:09:42,146
Duh, that's because
it's an exact replica.
260
00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:44,845
That's the level of mastermind
that we're dealing with.
261
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:45,848
(sighs)
262
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:47,189
Don't sigh.
It's rude.
263
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:50,323
Ahh!
264
00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:52,590
‐Still an open case, buddy.
‐No, it isn't.
265
00:09:52,659 --> 00:09:54,959
(ominous music)
266
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:56,758
Hey, y'all.
What's up?
267
00:09:56,830 --> 00:09:58,730
Uh, where is the keg?
268
00:09:58,799 --> 00:10:00,529
Keg?
What are you, cops?
269
00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:02,401
They're too old to be cops.
270
00:10:02,468 --> 00:10:04,138
Whoa,
cool graphing calculator.
271
00:10:04,204 --> 00:10:06,374
This is an EMF meter, bruh.
We're ghost hunters.
272
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:07,709
That's right.
273
00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:09,884
If anyone has issues
with ghosts or demons,
274
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:12,353
Hunchman Paranormal
Investigations can help.
275
00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:13,382
Where did you get those beers?
276
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:14,676
Beer?
277
00:10:14,748 --> 00:10:16,448
Beer impairs
your mental activity, dude.
278
00:10:16,517 --> 00:10:17,817
This is Super Soylent.
279
00:10:17,884 --> 00:10:19,954
It has cognition‐enhancing
nutrients.
280
00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:20,790
Really?
281
00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:22,194
Even folate coenzymes?
282
00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:23,255
Wait, hold on.
283
00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:24,423
You're drinking to get smart?
284
00:10:24,490 --> 00:10:26,560
You're supposed to drink
to get dumb.
285
00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:28,187
Dude,
something's not right.
286
00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:30,301
Huh? Wait.
287
00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:31,973
What the...
288
00:10:32,032 --> 00:10:34,972
What happened
to my Party Pines?
289
00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:37,465
Welcome to Party Pines 2.0.
290
00:10:37,538 --> 00:10:38,808
Wait a minute.
291
00:10:38,872 --> 00:10:41,012
‐This looks like a TED Talk.
‐What's that?
292
00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:43,184
Oh, it's an annual conference
of thought leaders...
293
00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:44,653
‐Boring, boring.
‐That meets in Vancouver
294
00:10:44,711 --> 00:10:46,951
to present and discuss issues
of the day in technology,
295
00:10:47,013 --> 00:10:48,723
entertainment, and design.
‐Boring!
296
00:10:48,782 --> 00:10:50,752
We call it
Cognitive Campfire Talks.
297
00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:52,847
We've disrupted
the partying paradigm.
298
00:10:52,919 --> 00:10:54,589
We get buzzed on ideas.
299
00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:56,655
‐And Adderall.
‐But mostly ideas.
300
00:10:56,723 --> 00:10:58,733
Oh, where was this
when I was in school?
301
00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:00,432
We're all about
leveraging knowledge
302
00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:03,633
to improve our chances
in today's zero‐sum economy.
303
00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:05,397
That sounds fun as shit.
304
00:11:07,568 --> 00:11:09,598
We're about to start
tonight's program.
305
00:11:09,670 --> 00:11:12,710
Okay, guys,
cognitive campfire is starting.
306
00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:15,683
May's up first,
game theory for beginners.
307
00:11:15,742 --> 00:11:17,342
(dramatic music)
308
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:19,010
Well, that sounds
really interesting.
309
00:11:19,079 --> 00:11:20,879
I could use a refresher
on game theory.
310
00:11:20,947 --> 00:11:23,577
So you better go
stand guard now.
311
00:11:23,650 --> 00:11:24,790
Oh, right.
312
00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:26,391
Come on,
let's go secure the perimeter
313
00:11:26,452 --> 00:11:30,192
so these nerds can make out
with each other's brains.
314
00:11:30,256 --> 00:11:33,026
(discordant electronic music)
315
00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:38,099
(hip‐hop music)
316
00:11:38,164 --> 00:11:41,334
(birds and insects chirping)
317
00:11:41,401 --> 00:11:43,901
NIGEL: When Brian drops me
off, I feel like a schlub.
318
00:11:43,970 --> 00:11:46,110
If I pull up
in a car of my own,
319
00:11:46,172 --> 00:11:47,572
I'll feel good about myself.
320
00:11:47,641 --> 00:11:50,381
I'm not talking, like,
a new car or anything.
321
00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:52,753
Just a used car.
322
00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:54,783
2004 maybe.
323
00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:57,478
With power locks and windows.
324
00:11:57,551 --> 00:12:00,421
Yeah, why don't‐‐
why don't you get a car then?
325
00:12:00,486 --> 00:12:03,316
I can't.
My credit's shit.
326
00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:06,259
I saw a movie about a man
who got his driver's license
327
00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:08,486
taken away
'cause he was so old,
328
00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:10,932
but then his brother got sick
329
00:12:10,997 --> 00:12:13,367
so he actually drove
across the country
330
00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:15,773
on a John Deere lawnmower
to see him.
331
00:12:15,836 --> 00:12:17,196
Why don't you do that?
332
00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:19,910
(sighs) They made
a whole movie about that?
333
00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:22,243
Hooded oriole.
334
00:12:23,209 --> 00:12:24,979
(sings)
335
00:12:25,045 --> 00:12:28,175
(gentle music)
336
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:30,718
♪♪ ♪♪
337
00:12:30,784 --> 00:12:32,124
Hey, Nigel.
338
00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:33,315
Yeah?
339
00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:34,816
Have you ever tried
putting an Altoid
340
00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:36,458
in a glass of hot water?
341
00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:38,733
NIGEL: Uh, no.
342
00:12:38,792 --> 00:12:41,432
Um, I did it the other day.
343
00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:43,404
I thought it might help
my sore throat,
344
00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:45,073
but it didn't.
345
00:12:45,131 --> 00:12:49,701
It was just a glass of water
that tasted like Altoids.
346
00:12:49,770 --> 00:12:52,910
(chirping)
347
00:12:54,641 --> 00:12:56,711
NIGEL: I used to get this
way where I would‐‐
348
00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:59,977
when I had too many beers,
I'd just wanna go to bed,
349
00:13:00,046 --> 00:13:03,246
and I also just wanted to get
the rest of the energy out.
350
00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:05,446
When I was at a party
and I had too many beers,
351
00:13:05,519 --> 00:13:08,189
I would just leave and run
the whole way home.
352
00:13:08,254 --> 00:13:09,464
(panting)
353
00:13:09,523 --> 00:13:12,063
You never done that?
354
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:13,325
No.
355
00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:16,363
(singing)
356
00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:19,369
(gentle music)
357
00:13:19,432 --> 00:13:22,972
♪♪ ♪♪
358
00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:24,706
Do you remember
359
00:13:24,771 --> 00:13:28,811
the specific moment
that mortality occurred to you?
360
00:13:28,875 --> 00:13:31,605
Uh, I don't know.
I don't think so.
361
00:13:31,678 --> 00:13:34,348
MAN: Do you remember when
Tom Stoli and Brian Bryce,
362
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:36,784
those senior lacrosse players,
drove into a tree
363
00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:38,820
'cause they were
drinking and driving?
364
00:13:38,885 --> 00:13:40,445
Yeah.
365
00:13:40,521 --> 00:13:42,691
MAN: Those guys were the
biggest and strongest of us,
366
00:13:42,756 --> 00:13:45,956
and I realized that if they
could end up in wheelchairs,
367
00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:50,156
I mean, that's it for me.
368
00:13:50,230 --> 00:13:52,070
(sighs)
369
00:13:52,132 --> 00:13:54,302
NIGEL: Well, you know what,
I do remember
370
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:57,397
the first time
I thought about mortality.
371
00:13:57,470 --> 00:14:00,110
Remember that afternoon
when Mom let us stay
372
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:02,613
after school and play
on the playground?
373
00:14:02,676 --> 00:14:04,136
Yeah.
374
00:14:04,210 --> 00:14:05,550
NIGEL: The son was kinda
going down.
375
00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:08,522
I looked over at you,
and you were having fun.
376
00:14:08,582 --> 00:14:11,282
And I looked over at Mom,
who was playing with Helen.
377
00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:14,221
I realized she's gonna be
at school with us eventually,
378
00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:16,317
but maybe not for too long,
379
00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:18,059
'cause then we'd be going
to middle school
380
00:14:18,124 --> 00:14:20,334
and high school
and get older and so on.
381
00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:22,763
I looked over at mom,
realized that she's going
382
00:14:22,829 --> 00:14:26,069
to get older as well,
and so on and so forth,
383
00:14:26,132 --> 00:14:28,772
and that eventually
we would all pass away.
384
00:14:28,835 --> 00:14:30,035
(owl hoots)
385
00:14:30,103 --> 00:14:33,273
Well, I ran into
Ellen O'Neal the other day,
386
00:14:33,339 --> 00:14:36,039
and she was telling me
that they tore down
387
00:14:36,109 --> 00:14:38,039
that playground
just a few years ago,
388
00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:41,281
because the wood was, uh,
weather‐treated
389
00:14:41,347 --> 00:14:44,587
with chromated
copper arsenate.
390
00:14:44,651 --> 00:14:46,121
♪♪ ♪♪
391
00:14:46,186 --> 00:14:48,656
Isn't that kinda crazy though?
392
00:14:48,722 --> 00:14:50,122
What?
393
00:14:50,190 --> 00:14:52,790
That that specific realization
394
00:14:52,859 --> 00:14:55,059
happened to me while we were
playing on that playground.
395
00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:58,398
♪♪ ♪♪
396
00:14:58,464 --> 00:15:00,604
(sighs)
397
00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:06,368
Look, it's Apis.
The big bird in the sky.
398
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:08,910
MAN: Yeah, that's good.
399
00:15:08,975 --> 00:15:11,845
(mellow percussive music)
400
00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:14,982
♪♪ ♪♪
401
00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:19,088
Drinking used to be fun
and part of my personality,
402
00:15:19,152 --> 00:15:23,822
and now I just wanna get
back to my house and eat pizza.
403
00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:26,790
I only go out for the part
at the end
404
00:15:26,860 --> 00:15:28,930
when we're all eating pizza.
405
00:15:32,533 --> 00:15:34,073
(mellow music)
406
00:15:37,303 --> 00:15:40,243
(smooth electronic music)
407
00:15:40,306 --> 00:15:42,176
(gentle psychedelic music)
408
00:15:42,242 --> 00:15:45,482
Yesterday, I was‐‐
I was drifting in a spot,
409
00:15:45,546 --> 00:15:46,806
and I was thinking,
you know, this feels good,
410
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:48,010
and then I moved
411
00:15:48,081 --> 00:15:50,251
about a fraction of
a millimeter to the left.
412
00:15:50,316 --> 00:15:51,146
Yeah.
413
00:15:51,217 --> 00:15:52,317
And I thought, not for me.
414
00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:54,955
Yeah, 'cause I bumped into you,
and you seemed down.
415
00:15:55,021 --> 00:15:56,861
Oh, look‐‐all right.
416
00:15:56,923 --> 00:15:58,093
‐No.
‐Can you‐‐
417
00:15:58,158 --> 00:16:00,028
Can you confirm or deny
the following?
418
00:16:00,093 --> 00:16:02,963
That over there is Adrian.
419
00:16:03,029 --> 00:16:05,469
‐Um, confirmed.
‐(both laugh)
420
00:16:05,532 --> 00:16:07,132
Oh, Adrian.
421
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,430
You gonna come over?
422
00:16:08,502 --> 00:16:09,602
Hey‐oh! Hey‐oh!
423
00:16:09,670 --> 00:16:10,740
"My name is Adrian."
424
00:16:10,804 --> 00:16:12,274
Run for cover,
it's the A bomb!
425
00:16:12,338 --> 00:16:14,308
Come on, get over here,
Adrian!
426
00:16:14,374 --> 00:16:16,684
Hey, how's the big shoal
treating you, buddy, huh?
427
00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:17,683
Coming back to join us?
428
00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:19,114
Hey, guys, no, no.
429
00:16:19,179 --> 00:16:21,079
I've just been on a quick
visit to see my parents,
430
00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:23,217
so, well, yeah‐‐
I've probably, yeah,
431
00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:24,893
gotta head off.
Big meeting tomorrow, so...
432
00:16:24,951 --> 00:16:26,091
Why don't you stick around
433
00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:27,452
and have a little drift
while you're here?
434
00:16:27,521 --> 00:16:28,791
Yeah, just have
a little drift nw.
435
00:16:28,855 --> 00:16:31,855
Yeah, yeah, I'd love to,
but, you know, as I said‐‐
436
00:16:31,925 --> 00:16:33,985
‐Great. If you'd love to.
‐Good.
437
00:16:34,060 --> 00:16:35,600
‐I would love to, yeah‐‐
‐Oh, perfect.
438
00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:37,262
Caught you there,
haven't we?
439
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:38,830
If you'd love to,
then have a drift.
440
00:16:38,899 --> 00:16:40,429
Who are you meeting?
441
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,740
Well, I mean, you wouldn't‐‐
you wouldn't really understand.
442
00:16:42,803 --> 00:16:44,373
‐You‐‐
‐BOTH: Ohhh.
443
00:16:44,437 --> 00:16:46,437
Okay, right.
444
00:16:46,507 --> 00:16:48,537
What's a meeting?
'Cause I don't understand.
445
00:16:48,609 --> 00:16:50,709
Hmm, a meeting.
Is it a type of cabbage?
446
00:16:50,777 --> 00:16:51,977
Okay, well‐‐
447
00:16:52,045 --> 00:16:53,245
I couldn't possibly
understand.
448
00:16:53,313 --> 00:16:54,683
I didn't mean
to be rude, but‐‐
449
00:16:54,748 --> 00:16:56,378
Oh, please, sire, sir,
what is this?
450
00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:58,079
Oh, but the irony is
you don't understand,
451
00:16:58,151 --> 00:17:00,351
and you wouldn't so...
452
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:02,220
I think I understand
what's going on here.
453
00:17:02,288 --> 00:17:04,288
‐Lay it out for me.
‐He's a big man now.
454
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:05,957
Just 'cause I've done
something, you know?
455
00:17:06,026 --> 00:17:07,456
I haven't just sat around.
456
00:17:07,528 --> 00:17:10,528
Oh, you think
you're so special?
457
00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:12,527
That's what all you
shoal organisms think.
458
00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:16,069
But look, look,
from over here, Adrian,
459
00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:18,636
you all look
exactly the same.
460
00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:20,805
♪♪ ♪♪
461
00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:24,144
(bright synth music)
462
00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:26,750
(ominous music)
463
00:17:26,813 --> 00:17:28,213
(groans)
464
00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:30,981
These woods are definitely
creepier than I remember.
465
00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:32,691
Do you see anything?
Over.
466
00:17:32,753 --> 00:17:34,863
Breaker one‐nine,
that is a negative.
467
00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:36,691
I see nothing.
468
00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:40,459
Okay, like a said before,
469
00:17:40,527 --> 00:17:42,927
please say "over"
to end your transmission, okay?
470
00:17:42,996 --> 00:17:44,526
‐Over.
‐Got it.
471
00:17:44,598 --> 00:17:45,528
Over.
472
00:17:45,599 --> 00:17:46,769
Thank you, over.
473
00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:49,373
‐DAVID: You're welcome, penis.
‐(groans)
474
00:17:49,435 --> 00:17:50,735
You know, I wonder if they put
their lectures on YouTube.
475
00:17:50,804 --> 00:17:52,814
I should probably check out...
(gasps)
476
00:17:52,873 --> 00:17:53,943
David.
477
00:17:54,007 --> 00:17:55,177
Oh, my God, David,
the mystery man.
478
00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:57,641
What do I do?
David, what do I do?
479
00:17:57,711 --> 00:17:59,311
DAVID: You can start
by saying "over."
480
00:17:59,379 --> 00:18:01,249
This isn't funny.
Over.
481
00:18:01,314 --> 00:18:03,354
He's coming for me.
482
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,916
David, help me.
Over.
483
00:18:05,986 --> 00:18:08,146
(breathing heavily)
484
00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:10,261
He was so close.
I felt his evil.
485
00:18:10,323 --> 00:18:11,463
What do I do?
What do I do?
486
00:18:11,525 --> 00:18:13,025
Use your analytical mind.
487
00:18:13,093 --> 00:18:14,933
Right, I can do this.
488
00:18:14,995 --> 00:18:16,225
Target left the clearing
at 9:30
489
00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:17,496
traveling approximately
five miles per hour.
490
00:18:17,564 --> 00:18:18,634
You started running at 9:31.
491
00:18:18,699 --> 00:18:20,099
If you run 30 degrees
to the east
492
00:18:20,166 --> 00:18:21,396
at 5.25 miles per hour,
you'll cut him off at the creek
493
00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:23,737
at 9:34 p. m., over.
494
00:18:23,804 --> 00:18:26,244
I'm on it, over.
495
00:18:26,306 --> 00:18:28,806
In conclusion,
the key to game theory is...
496
00:18:28,875 --> 00:18:29,875
(all gasp)
497
00:18:29,943 --> 00:18:31,883
Hi‐ho, nerds.
498
00:18:31,945 --> 00:18:33,245
Look who we got.
499
00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:34,483
Now they'll see who this
500
00:18:34,548 --> 00:18:36,848
non‐ghost mystery man
really is.
501
00:18:39,653 --> 00:18:41,593
‐DAVID: Cam Smith.
‐JOHN: Exactly.
502
00:18:41,655 --> 00:18:43,385
Cam Smith.
503
00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:44,686
I'm sorry.
I've never heard of him.
504
00:18:44,758 --> 00:18:46,458
Yeah, me neither, actually.
Who's Cam Smith?
505
00:18:46,527 --> 00:18:48,357
Uh,
he's the starting center
506
00:18:48,428 --> 00:18:49,698
on your high school
basketball team,
507
00:18:49,763 --> 00:18:51,803
the Junior Tobaccaneers.
508
00:18:51,865 --> 00:18:54,325
What, you guys don't support
the Junior Tobacs?
509
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:56,340
All sports cause concussions.
510
00:18:56,402 --> 00:18:58,642
Ugh, why were you hiding
in the woods?
511
00:18:58,705 --> 00:19:01,235
Well, I heard about
these cool lectures,
512
00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:03,877
well, I‐‐I knew they'd
never invite me,
513
00:19:03,944 --> 00:19:05,214
because I'm a jock.
514
00:19:05,278 --> 00:19:07,208
But nerds are cooler
than jocks now.
515
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:08,680
I know.
516
00:19:08,749 --> 00:19:10,719
The whole world is swirling
down a toilet of madness.
517
00:19:10,784 --> 00:19:13,124
You're welcome to join
our circle of influencers, Cam.
518
00:19:13,186 --> 00:19:14,186
‐Really?
‐What?
519
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:15,794
No.
What are you doing?
520
00:19:15,856 --> 00:19:17,456
You've built this beautiful
intellectual oasis,
521
00:19:17,524 --> 00:19:18,664
and you're gonna let jocks in?
522
00:19:18,725 --> 00:19:20,485
Jocks will ruin it.
523
00:19:20,561 --> 00:19:22,201
Just like they ruined
the Beastie Boys.
524
00:19:22,262 --> 00:19:23,432
But we're intersectional.
525
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:24,696
We'd love to hear
the jock perspective.
526
00:19:24,765 --> 00:19:28,595
Oh, the whole world is swirling
down a toilet of madness.
527
00:19:28,669 --> 00:19:30,339
Thanks for your help, guys.
528
00:19:30,403 --> 00:19:31,543
Wait, I'm sorry.
I've got‐‐
529
00:19:31,605 --> 00:19:33,065
I've got to say one thing
before we go.
530
00:19:33,139 --> 00:19:34,169
All you nerds, listen up.
531
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,140
This is your final lecture
for the night.
532
00:19:36,209 --> 00:19:38,179
Party Pines is special,
you idiots.
533
00:19:38,244 --> 00:19:40,784
Generations of Dicktown kids
have goofed off right here.
534
00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:43,177
This is a sacred space
for acting stupid.
535
00:19:43,249 --> 00:19:45,589
That's why he named it
Party Pines.
536
00:19:45,652 --> 00:19:48,822
And you nerds are defiling it
with free lectures.
537
00:19:48,889 --> 00:19:51,189
What is this,
Snapchat Epidemiology?
538
00:19:51,257 --> 00:19:52,327
What the fuck is that?
539
00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:54,032
It's shameful, son,
is what it is.
540
00:19:54,094 --> 00:19:56,934
I'm embarrassed to be
a Dicktown High alumni.
541
00:19:56,997 --> 00:19:57,927
Thank you. Good night.
542
00:19:57,998 --> 00:19:59,798
Alumnus.
543
00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:00,696
What did you say?
544
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:02,237
You're embarrassed to be
an alumnus.
545
00:20:02,302 --> 00:20:03,772
"Alumni" is plural.
546
00:20:03,837 --> 00:20:05,137
‐Oh, he's right, actually.
‐Ooh.
547
00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:06,565
You keep acting smart,
548
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:08,980
I'll burn this whole
fucking forest to the ground.
549
00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:10,542
John, let's go.
550
00:20:10,611 --> 00:20:12,851
Great lecture series, everyone.
551
00:20:12,913 --> 00:20:14,153
Thanks.
552
00:20:14,214 --> 00:20:17,324
Well, to our first
non‐paranormal
553
00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:18,423
paranormal case.
554
00:20:18,484 --> 00:20:20,894
And to the spirit
of Party Pines, RIP.
555
00:20:20,954 --> 00:20:22,024
Oh, David.
556
00:20:22,088 --> 00:20:23,288
Oh, that's gonna leak
into the living room.
557
00:20:23,356 --> 00:20:24,656
‐I'm pouring one out
‐All right.
558
00:20:24,725 --> 00:20:26,855
I guess I'll go get a towel
and clean up your mess.
559
00:20:26,927 --> 00:20:28,287
‐Okay.
‐Ugh.
560
00:20:28,361 --> 00:20:31,901
(light jazzy music)
561
00:20:31,965 --> 00:20:34,065
Hey, I'm sorry we never
invited you to Party Pines.
562
00:20:34,134 --> 00:20:35,244
JOHN: It's fine.
563
00:20:35,301 --> 00:20:36,801
Just we didn't like you
very much.
564
00:20:36,870 --> 00:20:39,570
JOHN: Well, I appreciate
your honesty, I guess.
565
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,110
DAVID: Hey,
wouldn't it be weird
566
00:20:41,174 --> 00:20:43,984
if the lurker of Party Pines
was still out there somewhere?
567
00:20:44,044 --> 00:20:45,384
I'm sorry, what?
568
00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:46,605
DAVID: I said,
wouldn't it be effed up
569
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:48,380
if the lurker of Party Pines
570
00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:50,448
was still alive
out there somewhere?
571
00:20:50,517 --> 00:20:53,187
Oh, David,
that is a mystery
572
00:20:53,253 --> 00:20:55,623
that will never be solved.
573
00:20:55,689 --> 00:20:56,719
What?
574
00:20:56,790 --> 00:20:59,890
That is a mystery
that will never be solved.
575
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:01,730
Wait, what?
576
00:21:01,795 --> 00:21:03,055
That is a mystery
that will never be solved.
577
00:21:03,129 --> 00:21:05,299
DAVID: Dude, I can't hear you.
What are you saying?
578
00:21:05,365 --> 00:21:06,595
It's a mystery
that will never be solved.
579
00:21:06,667 --> 00:21:08,127
DAVID: I still can't hear you.
What are you saying?
580
00:21:08,201 --> 00:21:10,841
Nothing!
581
00:21:13,239 --> 00:21:16,139
(energetic jazzy music)
582
00:21:16,209 --> 00:21:23,349
♪♪ ♪♪
583
00:21:57,884 --> 00:22:00,054
‐(clear music)
‐CHORUS: ♪♪ Yes ♪♪