(crickets chirping)
(tense music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(rustling)
♪♪ ♪♪
(gurgling)
(dramatic music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(rustling)
JOHN: All right, Zeb. Hand it over.
ZEB: No.
But I just proved that case belongs to my client.
Did you, though?
Zeb, when are you gonna cover these tubs, bro?
'Cause this water is really disgusting.
Okay, David. Yes, I did prove it.
‐The heat of the car engine... ‐ZEB: Right, right, right.
The fact that starlings aren't native to the United States.
‐The egg timer. ‐ZEB: Yeah, yeah.
‐We just went through this. ‐I guess you got me.
Right, thank you. Hand it over.
‐Nah. ‐(groans)
Okay, David. You're up.
Gimmie.
You touch me, you die.
Okay, Zeb. Get ready.
I'm about to touch you.
ZEB: Oh, God!
Well, Zeb, looks like you're all wet.
Oh, my God.
I fucking zinged you Super Friends style.
Let's go.
Oh, fuck you, man!
I hope you get ass crabs from my stank‐ass tub water!
(dramatic music)
♪♪ ♪♪
DAVID: You know what, man? I'm offended.
JOHN: What?
I was trying not to say anything,
but you did it again back there.
You said my client and really you should say our client.
What? No, it's my client.
And also I don't like how you
still call it Hunchman Investigations.
‐Ah, ten and two, David! ‐That name sucks.
‐It's my name. ‐Well, it stinks.
What would you call it?
I would call it, like,
Best Friends Crime Solvers, LLC.
‐(laughs) ‐That's a dope name.
All of those words are inaccurate,
including LLC, by the way.
‐I am incorporated. ‐Oh, my God.
You sound like PBS right now. No one gives a shit.
David, look, I'm a detective.
I've been a detective my whole life.
I know.
I've been helping you your whole life.
Helping‐‐how have you been helping me?
Oh, my God!
By keeping you busy and, like, drumming up business.
(school bell rings)
And this proves that the real
thief of the class hamster
was David Purfoy.
‐Shut up, nerd. ‐(grunts)
(school bell rings)
And so the great bubble gum swindle
could only have been pulled off by David Purfoy.
‐Eat floor, narc. ‐Hey!
(school bell rings)
(sighs)
Need I point out that the only person
who would bother to melt down
the tae kwon do team's trophy
to make it into a bong is David Purfoy?
(coughing)
‐Someone else shove him. ‐Hey!
(school bell rings)
You feed off me to survive.
You're like one of those little birds that lives
on the back of a rhinoceros eating bugs.
You're talking about the oxpecker bird?
DAVID: (laughing) Yeah!
That's so perfect! You're the oxpecker!
‐I'm not the oxpecker. ‐You're a little oxpecker.
No, you‐‐you're the oxpecker. I'm the rhinoceros.
‐You work for me. ‐I'm the rhinoceros, man.
‐You're crazy. ‐How is that?
‐Whose car is this? ‐Oh.
DAVID: Whose Fiero are you sitting in?
JOHN: It's your Fiero.
I can tell because you wrote your name in Wite‐Out
on the glove compartment.
(rock music)
(doorbell rings)
You know, sometimes, I think you only think of me
as, like, your muscle.
Yeah, well, I don't want to hurt your feelings, David,
but that's right, you're muscle.
‐Wow. ‐That's what I need you for.
DAVID: Okay.
I mean, Dicktown's a rougher place.
We're not teenagers anymore.
Uh, crime‐solving is completely different now.
‐Did you get it? ‐Hi, Tucker.
Yeah, we got it.
(sniffs)
It smells like swimmer's farts.
So what's in that case, anyway?
Next week's AP History exam.
(scoffs)
Well, I'm glad I could help
further the cause of justice.
‐Why did Zeb want them? ‐I don't know.
Some people just want to watch the world burn.
Also, he had another buyer at Small Mouth Poly Prep.
Oh, my God. Those snobs.
We used to call them Small Dick Probably Pervs.
‐Get it? ‐Yeah.
Anyway, Tucker, about our fee?
Right. Cash flow problem.
I gotta sell these before I can pay you.
Oh, come on, Tucker.
I gotta make house boat payments.
You haven't returned the drone I rented you.
‐Well, it's in the shop. ‐It's not our fault, Tucker.
Timothy tried to make love to it.
TUCKER: Who's Timothy?
JOHN: My parents' labradoodle.
I told you not to tell him about that!
Yeah, the best I can do right now
is hook you up with another job.
A kid at school's being bullied online.
Hmm, a real person who needs actual help.
‐Yes, and she can pay. ‐Fine.
Forget about the drone and we're square.
‐It's a deal, detectives. ‐Ah, see?
He said "detectives," plural.
He's talking to me like I'm just his muscle.
That's not fair.
He also needs you to drive him around
because he doesn't have a license,
and people actually like you.
Everyone thinks he's a weirdo 'cause he works for teenagers.
‐(laughs) ‐Oh, Jesus, Tucker.
Hey, it's your brand.
Lean into it.
(mellow electronic music)
(tense music)
Holy shit. Look.
Ah, shoot.
I was hoping he wasn't real, but he is.
Piddlywinks. Poop.
A circulatory system that actually knows karate.
‐We are fucked. ‐We are fucked.
We are fucked.
‐We are fucked. ‐We are so fucked.
‐We are fucked. ‐Ah, poop.
Well, at least he can't see us. Wait.
Wait, wait.
Um, can he see us?
I don't know.
Do circulatory systems have eyeballs?
MAN: Man, how would I know that?
Why don't you tell me?
Me tell you? How would I know?
Do I look like an ophthalmologist?
How would I know if you look like an ophthalmologist, man?
I don't go to the ophthalmologist.
Whoa.
And besides,
I have no interest in your personal life.
Hey, whoa, whoa.
My personal life is pretty cool.
(melancholy music)
Hello there. Hello.
Do you fight here often?
I don't mean to be rude,
but is it always this excruciatingly boring and dull?
Can I pay you a compliment?
You remind me of my niece.
♪♪ ♪♪
You walked into my trap.
I'm going to hurt your bodies,
and then I'm going to erase your minds.
Ha, ha, ha.
(upbeat music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(cool guitar music)
(quirky music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(wind howling)
♪♪ ♪♪
Don't do it, man! Don't jump!
You got so much to live for!
Huh?
MAN: You still owe me 100 bucks!
Jump? What?
(dog barking)
♪♪ ♪♪
BEN: Hey. Hey, I‐I‐I see you.
Y‐you trying to break in?
Ah, not on my watch, pal.
Oh, hush, Ben.
Not all gypsies are thieves.
I‐I didn't say he was a gypsy.
Y‐you're a racist.
♪♪ ♪♪
You really went above and beyond today, Walt.
That was a risky move.
It got us the results we need to keep this whole thing going.
And since you helped me out,
I have something for you.
Just a little thank you gift.
♪♪ ♪♪
(pigeon cooing)
♪♪ ♪♪
Oh, oh, I don't think he's trying to break in, Ben!
I think he's trying to help that boy on the ledge.
(groaning)
♪♪ ♪♪
Oh, no! Oh, God!
Hold on! Help is on the way!
♪♪ ♪♪
(dog barking)
♪♪ ♪♪
(distant sirens blaring)
(triumphant music)
Oh, God! My thong!
♪♪ ♪♪
Sir, stay where you are!
We are coming to help you down!
(screaming)
Oh, we got a fucking dangler!
I have a dangler.
(man shouting)
Oh, shit!
♪♪ ♪♪
(ethereal chiming)
♪♪ ♪♪
Hey, what the hell are you doing up there?
Don't be a hero!
♪♪ ♪♪
(retching)
(wind howling)
(shouting in slow motion)
(percussive music)
MAN: Whoa, get that ladder up there!
Oh! Oh!
(dramatic music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(shouting)
♪♪ ♪♪
(shouting) (glass shattering)
(banging)
(grunts)
MAN: Hurry! Hurry, everybody, let's go!
Is this your apartment, miss?
Yeah, I was locked out.
Is Walt okay?
I asked him to climb in through my window
and let me in.
Did he fall?
(stirring music)
Walt!
♪♪ ♪♪
(sniffing)
Oh, uh...
♪♪ ♪♪
(groaning)
Oh. (clears throat)
Thanks again, Walt.
I'll definitely remember these next time.
(laughs, groans)
Hey, hey.
You're a hero, son.
You smell like shit, but you're a goddamn hero.
(triumphant music)
(mellow electronic music)
MONICA: I'm the president of the school cosplay club.
We specialize in gender/race‐fluid cosplay
from the Pre‐Crisis DC Universe.
I'm writing that down to Google that later.
Don't worry, David. I‐I've got it.
Go on.
We post photos
to an invite‐only Instagram account,
but two weeks ago, someone hacked our password
and all these trolls started spamming our feed with abuse.
Uh‐huh, and what did you do to provoke them?
‐Whoa, David. ‐What?
Victim‐blame much?
Whoa, John. Virtue‐signal much?
Enough with the PBS words.
The answer is, I did provoke them.
I cosplayed as Aquaman.
I don't get it. Everyone loves Aquaman.
Apparently this troll army feels I de‐centered
the white male Atlantis experience,
which I totally did
and they wish they could handle it.
You know, honestly, Monica,
it sounds like you're on top of this.
Oh, I am. We talked to Instagram.
They're shutting it all down, but there's a ring leader.
Oh, who's the ring leader?
I'm going to assume it's a cis white male.
His handle is AltRightPepeMilkman.
Someone's leaning into his brand.
I just wanna know who he is.
I don't cosplay with a mask
and I don't respect anyone who does.
Understood.
With great cosplay comes great responsibility.
We'll find this guy.
Wait, so who are you cosplayed as right now?
‐David! ‐What?
She's Mon‐El of Daxam.
I don't know who the fuck that is.
Superboy discovered him. He thought he was his cousin.
I don't read comic books about Superboy and his little cousin.
He discovered him on a‐‐ on a Monday,
so he called him "Mon‐El," but it turned out‐‐
‐Are you serious? ‐This is true.
Same powers. Same powers.
From the Legion of Super‐Heroes.
I don't know what that is, man.
Monica, we'll talk to you later.
It was really nice to meet you.
We have to go now.
Long live the legion.
Heavenly Father, please forgive these nerds.
Kryptonians are vulnerable to Kryptonite.
I don't give a shit!
The Daxamites are vulnerable to lead.
DAVID: I don't care. Let's go.
(dramatic music)
Oh, yes. Cyber sleuthing.
Just like the '90s promised.
I'm hunting a bully using only my wits and fast typing skills,
just like a young David Strathairn in Sneakers.
Now, I've cross‐referenced the frequent users
of every Aquaman fan site I could find.
There are 24,000 candidates.
Seems overwhelming, right?
But look what happens when I filter for those
who use the words "men's" and "rights."
‐Damn it! ‐What?
‐This is too freaking hard. ‐What are you doing?
I'm bullying people on twitter.com,
but it's not the same because when you describe
giving someone a wedgie, they think you're being sexy.
Proud White 420 69?
Since when has that been your Twitter handle?
Since I got a code name for this sting operation.
How does this help our case, David?
Okay, I wanted to see if being a total asshole would help me
make friends with racists on the Internet.
What, so you think if you're obnoxious and racist enough,
AltRightPepeMilkman's just gonna magically
reach out to you?
(phone chimes) Boom.
‐He literally just DM'ed me. ‐Wow.
"Your tweets are right. Dicktown sucks.
Vaping rules. Men have been pussified."
See, he fell into my honey hate trap.
Is that what he said? Interesting.
All right, I'm gonna write him back.
"Hey, do you want to meet up and talk about Vikings
and tiki torches?" Send.
David, you didn't need to send that.
Why not?
We already have everything we need to track him down.
(tense music)
♪♪ ♪♪
Why are we staking out a vape shop?
Because based on his tweets,
our suspect has EKOVT.
What's that?
Extensive knowledge of vaping technology.
‐Exactly. ‐So why this vape shop?
David?
Because he kept talking about Dicktown
in his messages to me
and anyone else would call it Richardsville,
so, cogito, ergo sum, he's local.
I searched Yelp for every vape shop
within a 5‐mile radius.
It turns out there are 73 of them,
which is a number that surprised me, frankly,
but, of them all,
only one has a single five‐star review.
Yeah, look at this. Look at this.
"High and Mighty Vape Shop is righteous,
especially if you want a little 88 with your 420."
‐Right. ‐Mm‐hmm.
So, 420, it's street slang for marijuana.
Yes, I know.
And H is the eighth letter of the alphabet.
88 equals HH equals "Heil Hitler."
Yes, and Hitler was a really famous Nazi.
I know that as well.
(in German accent) Und now we wait.
(giggling)
(in German accent) And maybe later ve vape.
Oh‐‐oh, I see what you did there.
Wow, Dad jokes. That's...oh, God.
(tense music)
♪♪ Vape shop stakeout, we're living the dream ♪♪
David‐‐David, stop singing.
‐Oh, my God, look. ‐What?
Dude, look at that guy and his stupid vest.
JOHN: Yes.
DAVID: He's like, "Oh, I'm late
"for my old‐timey hot air balloon ride.
It's 1844."
He does seem surprisingly natty.
Oh, my God. Is that Charlie?
Do you know him?
He graduated a couple years ago.
Huge stoner. He used to be a sloth.
‐Mm. ‐Uh‐huh.
♪♪ ♪♪
‐He works there? ‐Double hmm.
Well, I hope y'all like fancy mustard,
because it is on like Grey Poupon.
(funky percussive music)
SINGER: ♪♪ All doing the best we can ♪♪
Sometimes when I pet my cats for too long
and they're purring a lot,
I start to worry that I'm turning them on,
and I start going, like, well, should I‐‐
should I stop petting them altogether?
Because the sounds they're making
are very pleasurable.
To them. To them.
I mean, I‐‐ I'm not‐‐yeah.
BOTH: (whispering) "Tree Secrets."
(mellow electronic music)
(man singing Japanese)
♪♪ ♪♪
(up‐tempo music)
♪♪ ♪♪
(serene music)
SHRIMP: E‐excuse me, sir?
Sir, can you spare a moment to talk about the fact
that we live inside the belly of a giant whale?
Ma'am, ma'am?
D‐do you have time to talk...
(sighs)
Sir, d‐do you have a moment to talk
about digestion death rates?
Uh, yes, sure I do. Thank you for asking.
I'm glad to see there's another one of us out here.
‐Enough is enough. ‐Good.
Right, so I don't know if you're aware...
Uh‐huh.
But every ten minutes,
death rates due to whale digestion
are rising by about as much as‐‐
I'm sorry, what‐‐ w‐w‐w‐w‐what‐‐
W‐w‐whale? Whale digestion?
The whale isn't digesting us, ma'am.
I hate to be the one to tell you this.
Yeah? What else would it be?
‐Uh, the red krill. ‐Excuse me?
‐It's the red krill. ‐Excuse me?
They've been doing it for years.
Digesting people in their sleep in order to take over society.
Okay, sir, please. This is really‐‐
‐It's these darn redheads. ‐Okay, okay, please.
Do not use that word around me.
It's absolutely not okay to use that word.
I mean, it's red sac‐spawning crustacean.
MALE SHRIMP: Okay, this is abuse.
This is abuse?
The way you're screaming at me like this is abuse.
I'm not screaming. I'm expressing myself.
I'm just articulating my emotions.
I'm not here to fight with you, ma'am.
You seem like a very nice person.
I‐I respect what you're doing out here.
All this political correctness, uh, I think it's very cute.
FEMALE SHRIMP: Hmm, oh, cute. Okay, good.
MALE SHRIMP: Maybe, I mean, a whale, really?
This is vintage red krill propaganda.
What are you talking‐‐
Open your eyes is what I'm talking about!
I'm talking about opening your eyes!
Okay, okay, you know what?
You are entitled to your opinion,
but I'm not gonna listen to you because frankly you're a bigot
and you won't hear me, what I have to say anyway.
‐Wow. Wow, okay. ‐So what's the point?
Well, I'm not big into labels, but it's a blue whale,
so it should be for blue krill.
I'm very upset and I really think you should leave.
You're right. We should keep it civilized.
So how about this?
Red krill are digesting you in your sleep!
‐Oh, my God. ‐This woman is a liar!
And a traitor! Wake up, people!
MALE SHRIMP: The blue dart is rising!
Hey, uh, listen.
Uh, I just wanted to say that I think it was great.
Exactly the right way to deal with a bigot like that.
‐Thank you. ‐Yeah.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Oh, God. That's so good to hear.
Yeah. (clears throat)
God, sorry. (laughs)
Anyway, um, listen, actually,
there's a manifestation tomorrow
against whale digestion, and I was just wondering‐‐
I have a thing tomorrow.
‐I‐I'm gonna, yeah. ‐Okay, thank you.
‐Bye. ‐(sighs)
(singer vocalizing)
SINGER: ♪♪ Read my mind ♪♪
♪♪ Oh ♪♪
(doorbell chimes)
Charlie? You look so dapper.
(chuckles) Monica!
‐I didn't know you vaped. ‐I don't.
‐What you reading? ‐Oh, uh, nothing.
Charlie, are you AltRightPepeMilkman?
Am I‐I'm sorry, who?
(chuckles) You know.
The fearless leader
of the anti‐black Aquawoman resistance.
Um, I'm afraid I don't know what you mean.
Come on, Charlie.
We were in Godspell together.
All right, Monica! Fine!
I'm done hiding!
I have a right to exist!
I won't be erased,
the way you erased the proud
white male heritage of Atlantis!
Oh, Charlie. What happened to you?
Oh, I graduated.
I saw what life is really like. (clears throat)
There was a time in this country
when a white man who didn't want to go to college
would be handed a great job working in a coal mine
or a fax machine factory.
That's all gone. (grunts)
And look at me.
Probably genius‐level IQ working as the night manager
at Dicktown's smallest vape shop
in a Jew feminist SJW world where...
(grunts)
A young white boy can go on social media
and see a black woman Aquaman
and learn that he might not grow up to be the hero
of every single story!
That's not a world I can believe in!
And I will fight with everything I've got‐‐
(farts) Oh, God!
ALL: Whoa!
What is that smell, dude?
‐Is that what I think it is? ‐Dude.
Fine, I'll tell you.
My mother tried to make me take
my diarrhea medicine this morning.
‐And? ‐I reject feminism.
I said no.
And?
And now I have diarrhea. Big deal.
I'm catching a different kind of vapor all of a sudden.
‐Oh, snap! ‐Thank you.
You know I'm right, Monica.
The races are different.
The genders are different.
You're dressed as Supergirl, not Superman.
Actually, I'm dressed as Superman,
who is himself cross‐dressing as Supergirl.
‐(groans) ‐My cosplay is the future.
Your cosplay is the past.
BOTH: Nice.
Monica, he admitted harassment.
‐Want me to call 911? ‐No.
It's too pathetic. Let's go.
Pathetic?
You're the one who's too PC to have diarrhea!
All right, good luck with your vikings
and your tiki torches, ya dipshit.
Hey, wait a second.
You're Proud White 420 69, aren't you?
You're funny! You want to hang out?
I'm not trying to hang out with the racist
who can't make a proper BM.
Face it. You're just like me.
You know the strong should dominate the weak.
I don't believe that at all, you weakling.
Hey!
(doorbell chimes)
Well, Charlie released the security footage
of you shoving him.
Oh, my God. Am I in trouble now?
There's already a 10,000‐word think‐piece on The Atlantic
about whether it's okay to bully Nazis.
You know, today's the day I really leaned into my brand.
Which is what?
Muscle. It's all I'm good at.
That's not all, David.
I mean, you're‐‐ you're likable.
Uh‐huh.
I'm gonna crash here tonight, dude.
What? No.
‐I'm crashing here. ‐Go to your parents' house.
I can't go home.
My parents are having a fondue party.
It gets too sexy.
Oh, you need to get your own place.
I know, so pay me some more money.
I'll get the AeroBed.
SINGER: ♪♪ Read my mind ♪♪
♪♪ Read my mind ♪♪
♪♪ Ah, hey ♪♪
♪♪ Read my mind ♪♪
♪♪ Hey ♪♪
(funky electronic music)
♪♪ Read my mind ♪♪
♪♪ ♪♪
♪♪ Read my mind ♪♪
(singer vocalizing)
♪♪ ♪♪
‐(clear music) ‐CHORUS: ♪♪ Yes ♪♪